The Jewish Home | JANUARY 28, 2021 The Jewish Home | OCTOBER 29, 2015
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OCTOBER 29, 2015 | The Jewish Home
Dr. Deb
Kool Aid By Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.
T
here’s a new slur going around. Whenever one person wants to be much smarter than another, he says, “Oh, you drank the Kool Aid.” And this must be delivered with a smirk. (For those born more recently, this remark refers to the Kool Aid drink that was, at one time, laced with drugs or alcohol.) Well, that’s how we got here. We got to this awful place because that’s what we’ve been doing the past number of years in the political arena and decades in our own homes. Being smarter than the ones we love and care about. With a smirk. So, of course, the latest effort at being really smarter has been to wait for a lull in conversation and then retort back with, “So, you’ve been drinking the Kool Aid!” Why does this remind me of second graders? (No offense to those second graders able to read this.) We are never, ever going to agree on everything. In fact, the spice of marriage is precisely because we don’t agree. We would be bored to tears living with a clone of ourselves. But we also don’t know how to navigate the differences. And the big mistake we make is being sure, in our hearts, that we are right and our spouse is wrong. Ha! Only the One Above knows which is which. No matter how convinced we are. But you know what? It’s perfectly OK to believe you’re right. We need some kind of foundation for our beliefs. A firm foundation is not a bad thing. But what do we do when our partner feels the opposite of us? Notice, I said “feels.” It’s all emotion. We aren’t upset at all when it’s pure science. It’s only when we have differences interpreting the facts that
we get all hot under the collar. Notice that? So what is the right thing to do when what you want most – and is slipping through your fingers fast – is shalom bayis? Step one is to ask yourself which you want more: to be right or the shalom bayis. If the answer is the latter, then step two is to breathe. Just breathe. Notice your breath and focus on it. Don’t get riled up about how right you are or how wrong they are. Just breathe. Step three is to turn your attention to something positive: a sweet memory, a compliment you got, a funny thing
try to convince them. It’s the same rule that we started with: You can’t argue, discuss, present facts, or anything else to someone whose head – and emotions – are in another place. You just can’t. They won’t hear it. Their defenses shoot up, and suddenly they’re walking around with cement walls around them. Invisible walls, maybe, but hard as cement nevertheless. What do you do? You assess what you can do. Can
When you feel good about yourself, it’s a lot easier to feel good about everyone else.
that happened, or a joke you heard. Or maybe just a nice day. We complain here in New York about the weather, but having lived for over 30 years in Florida, I can assure you our summers are milder. And don’t get me started on how wonderful it is to be here compared to Chicago in the winter when it’s below zero out. (The year my Israeli son got engaged in our sukkah, it was a bit too hot out since we were still in Florida, but my Chicago machatanim-to-be found out their sukkah crashed due to too much snow!) Now, all this good advice evaporates when the thing your partner is so convinced is right turns out to be really wrong – like abuse, addictions, laziness, lying, cheating, and the like. Then what? I will tell you what not to do: Don’t
you get them to a therapist? To the Rabbi? Can you do an intervention? If you make a threat will that fall on deaf ears or, worse, escalate? Or will it bring them to their senses? If none of those work, the answer has to be darchei shalom. The only path you can pursue is shalom. It must begin inside yourself. You must be at peace with who you are, the meaning of your life, and what you can do with it. That, alone, is a tall order. But it is the only option. Putting pressure on others will never boost your insides. Inner peace must come from your own work on yourself. Isn’t that a drag? You did not want to hear this. You wanted to hear cheers and rah-rah for new ways to make the other person
wrong. Yeah, I know. That way you don’t have to face yourself. But, difficult as it is, facing yourself is not only the only way, but it turns out to be the most enjoyable. What will it be like for you when you no longer beat yourself – or anyone else – up? When, instead, you love, care, cherish, and value yourself? I can tell you one thing: That one step is the best step toward making your marriage better. Because when your inner cup is full, you can drench your partner with good thoughts. And you feel good about it. When you feel good about yourself, it’s a lot easier to feel good about everyone else. But how on Earth can you feel good about a partner who is doing the wrong thing? Not just wrong in my eyes, but really wrong? The answer is compassion. Hashem created the world with rachamim and that has got to be our template, too. If our spouse is sorely mistaken, then we need to have compassion for them. Look what they had to suffer to get to the horrible place they’re in! That said, we also can never be complacent. It could be deadly to feel so much rachamim that we don’t watch out for our mental or emotional safety. That’s why the steps I listed above go in the order they do: You must start with yourself. Only then can you move on to rachamim and never give up creating the balance between them. Dr. Deb Hirschhorn is a Marriage and Family Therapist. If you want help with your marriage, begin by signing up to watch her Masterclass at https://drdeb. com/myw-masterclass.
