Teen Talk

Dear Teen Talk,

I had a question that has been bothering me for a while and was wondering if you had some advice for me.

I have a friend who I am pretty close with. She is funny, extremely smart, and enjoyable to be around. Lately, there have been some things that bother me about her. My friend is very overweight, and sometimes I feel embarrassed to be seen with her. Is that normal? I also feel like she does not have socially appropriate mannerisms. For example, when there is pizza day in school, she will take four slices, or during recess, she will pour a snack bag down her throat. Not only is this not menschlicht, but it really grosses me out seeing my friend eating such an enormous amount of food.

I know that now, as I am in ninth grade and have just entered high school, I am starting to notice things differently, but I was wondering if my concerns are valid and if there is anything I can do to improve the situation? Thanks!

Teen Talk, a new column in

TJH, is geared towards the teens in our community. Answered by a rotating roster of teachers, rebbeim, clinicians, and peers (!), teens will be hearing answers to many questions they had percolating in their minds and wished they had the answers for.

Imust start off by saying that I am very impressed by your letter. In a situation such as the one you are describing, it’s very easy to think the only option is to drop your friend. It says a lot about you that you are looking for help rather than a way out. You’ve taken a mature approach, which alone is a major step.

Your friend, as you described her, is a funny, smart girl who is enjoyable to be around, qualities we all look for in others. She has so much to her that brought you two together and even more that has kept the two of you friends to this day. It sounds like none of that has changed despite how she acts at times.

If you are asking if your feelings about the situation are valid, then the answer is yes. Just as someone who finds it important to be quiet when a teacher is speaking would cringe when the class gets rowdy, you find it difficult to be around your friend when she acts in a way that goes against something that is important to you. The fact that you notice the way she eats and the way she carries herself shows that this is some-

thing you value. You not only value acting like a mensch, but you notice when others do not.

However, it is not your job to change her.

I know that may be very hard to hear but forcing others to care about something that you value can be harmful to a relationship. Each and every person has their own set of values. Something that you would never think twice about, others may be extremely careful with, and vice versa. It’s possible that your friend finds it difficult to be around you when you act in a certain way and yet you are completely unaware of it.

That’s not to say that there is anything wrong

with the relationship – quite the opposite. What this demonstrates is a sense of respect for their individuality. It’s so tempting to try to change people, but we forget how harmful it can be. It can come off as offensive and intrusive. Most of the time, people aren’t open to it because it’s help they never asked for. It’s like with a child who is struggling to do something themselves and then an adult comes along and does it for them. The child is likely to become even more frustrated because it makes them feel incapable.

With every new stage in life, especially high

Who she is on the inside - who anyone is on the inside - is what matters most.

school, you will find yourself thinking differently about those around you and about the person that you are. Your perspective changes because you change, and this is completely normal!

High school is such an important part of your life because, as they say, it’s a time where you “find yourself.” You said that lately the way your friend acts in certain situations bothers you. I believe it’s because something in you has changed. It’s possible you have become more conscious of the way you hold yourself and so you’ve begun to notice how those around you do as well. While it is amazing that you have grown in that aspect, everyone grows at their own pace. Your friend may not be up to the point where she holds herself to the standards you do in this particular area, and that is normal!

Growth is something personal; you may be ahead in some areas and behind in others, but that’s not a reason to look down upon someone.

In the moments, whether it be lunch, snack, or something else, where you can’t help but be embarrassed by your friend, I want you to remember why you were friends with her to begin with. Aside from the fact that we are all tzelem Elokim, she has greatness within her that makes her such a good friend to you and that doesn’t change because of the way she eats her food or because of the way she carries herself. When you find yourself judging her, remember that this is your friend who you love being around. Who she is on the inside – who anyone is on the inside – is what matters most. It will take time and practice to change your perspective, but it’s worthwhile, not just for this relationship, but for how you look at anyone. It’s also possible that one day she will come up to you and share that she does want to change in this particular area, and if that happens, then, of course, give her all the support that you can. Until then, it’s so important to appreciate her for who she is, the same way you would want to be appreciated.

I believe that you will find that this shift in perspective will make a world of difference.

Are you a teen with a question? If you have a question or problem you’d like our columnists to address, email your question or insight to editor@fivetownsjewishhome.com, subject line: Teen Talk.

Daniella is originally from Houston, Texas, and recently moved to Baltimore, Maryland, after a year of seminary in Israel. She currently works in a school while studying for a degree in psychology.

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