The Jewish Home | JUNE 9, 2022
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teen talk
by Daniella Quinn
Dear Teen Talk, I had a question that has been bothering me for a while and was wondering if you had some advice for me. I have a friend who I am pretty close with. She is funny, ex-
Teen Talk ,
a new colum n in TJH, is ge ared towards th e teens in our com munity. A nswered b rotating ro ya ster of tea chers, reb clinicians beim, , and peers (!), teens w hearing a ill be nswers to many que stions they had percolatin g in their minds and wishe d they ha d the answ ers for.
tremely smart, and enjoyable to be around. Lately, there have been some things that bother me about her. My friend is very overweight, and sometimes I feel embarrassed to be seen with her. Is that normal? I also feel like she does not have socially appropriate mannerisms. For example, when there is pizza day in school, she will take four slices, or during recess, she will pour a snack bag down her throat. Not only is this not menschlicht, but it really grosses me out seeing my friend eating such an enormous amount of food. I know that now, as I am in ninth grade and have just entered high school, I am starting to notice things differently, but I was wondering if my concerns are valid and if there is anything I can do to improve the situation? Thanks!
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OctOber 29, 2015 | the Jewish Home
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must start off by saying that I am very impressed by your letter. In a situation such as the one you are describing, it’s very easy to think the only option is to drop your friend. It says a lot about you that you are looking for help rather than a way out. You’ve taken a mature approach, which alone is a major step. Your friend, as you described her, is a funny, smart girl who is enjoyable to be around, qualities we all look for in others. She has so much to her that brought you two together and even more that has kept the two of you friends to this day. It sounds like none of that has changed despite how she acts at times. If you are asking if your feelings about the situation are valid, then the answer is yes. Just as someone who finds it important to be quiet when a teacher is speaking would cringe when the class gets rowdy, you find it difficult to be around your friend when she acts in a way that goes
against something that is important to you. The fact that you notice the way she eats and the way she carries herself shows that this is some-
you act in a certain way and yet you are completely unaware of it. That’s not to say that there is anything wrong
Who she is on the inside - who anyone is on the inside - is what matters most. thing you value. You not only value acting like a mensch, but you notice when others do not. However, it is not your job to change her. I know that may be very hard to hear but forcing others to care about something that you value can be harmful to a relationship. Each and every person has their own set of values. Something that you would never think twice about, others may be extremely careful with, and vice versa. It’s possible that your friend finds it difficult to be around you when
with the relationship – quite the opposite. What this demonstrates is a sense of respect for their individuality. It’s so tempting to try to change people, but we forget how harmful it can be. It can come off as offensive and intrusive. Most of the time, people aren’t open to it because it’s help they never asked for. It’s like with a child who is struggling to do something themselves and then an adult comes along and does it for them. The child is likely to become even more frustrated because it makes them feel incapable. With every new stage in life, especially high
