The Fashion Five-Oh Collection: 2009-2012

FASHION FIVE-OH

ECONOMICAL ACCESSORIES text by Jonathan White; photos by Mary Dennis

OK, OK, so tattoos aren’t free. Well, they aren’t unless you either (a) do them yourself or (b) are tied down while the white supremacists from G Wing do it to you. This looks like the product of neither path to arm adornment. However, a tattoo is for life so as accessories go, it is superb value for money.

better in pairs.

Uniforms are ace. You look smart alone but s, no one can Ask any former British schoolkid. With uniform Louis Vuitton. point you out for not sporting the freshest leaves which free, or Plus they are either very, very cheap like beer. you with more money for proper accessories

The beauty of camouflage is that it blends the army tells in – that’s what me. That’s also the problem for conscious Beijin fashiongers. While yo ur disrupted-pa never dates, it ttern material is hard to keep on trend. That elect for epau is, unless you lettes or bring back badges.

cap. like an adjustable baseball Nothing says old school basee rappers and overpaid Fitted caps are for profligat bs-ups Thum . look a timeless for s ward back it Rock ballers. et shows free. A pen in your pock Say always look cool and are in the credit crunch of ’09. that you’ll hustle for a dime . class g rkin t-wo r-no hello to the neve

Where to start?

Su on the slopes bu re, glasses and headbands are t nothing says always cool seasoned stylist gloves. What’s a than a set of more, the wrist attachments pro ing after your gear is of the utm ve that lookost importance buying gloves once a season, . If you’re you’re not sav ing.

atching pink flags, which If your gaze can get past the eye-c accessories in their own look like world-class homemade eman’s hat. It looks both right, you might notice the gentl rate. A couple of quickly fashioned and utterly delibe insouciant look that will stop minutes work and you have an traffic.

Hats are co ol. They ad d a touch of why people class to any wear them outfit. This at weddings more and m is . This look is ore on the Beijing stree being seen economically ts. It’s much and ecolog more ically savvy like an anim to have a ha al than turn t that looks an animal in to a hat.

something. Maybe that was Facial hair is the new black, or s are certainly en vogue. in Vogue but beards and moustache crazy, anything goes. This With Hollywood now handlebarin ways other looks beard is a fine example and is classic or down and totally free. yearn for. Just as easy to dress up

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March 2009 / the Beijinger www. thatsbj.com Sept. 2005 25 that’smags

STYLE

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oney’s too tight to mention, so you want to get lasting use of those same old outfits. What better way than by accessorizing to draw attention away from the fact you’re still rocking last year’s duds?

Here’s evidence of Beijingers balling on a budget.

SLIMMING CLOBBER

FASHION FIVE-OH

there to be eled boots are s why black leather he into them. That’ Below-the-knee ns jea r you k y you tuc and all seen. That’s wh nk “nice shoes” thi d an m the ionalist. k at all the girls loo a good conversat that you look like the guys think

text by Jonathan White; photos by Mary Dennis

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STYLE

et’s face it, nobody really wants to pay for a gym membership, do exercise, develop an eating disorder or get a tapeworm. The key to looking slimmer is to wear black until all this belt-tightening becomes literal and you’ve lost more pounds than the British economy. These folk aren’t even “traditionally built” but they sure can wear black.

Block colors an d black go tog ether like the song in Grease. lyrics of that Try to disagree . Thought not. didn’t even no I bet you tice the hat, wh ich caps off the outfit.

A black T-shirt is a solid staple for the man about town.

Instantly slimming, it can also make your “guns” seem bigger. The pink feathers aren’t known to help you look slimmer but they are quite distracting and instantly tell people that you are that guy.

durable, Everyone has a pair of black pants. They’re of all, you timeless and almost impossible to stain. Best then rock up and can wear them all night, sleep in them, can do it again. into work with the same pair on. Then you And again.

ful Goth in the world. Be care She must be the happiest Too much and the gh. thou k, blac with when layering ppear. out of hand and you’ll disa slimming effect might get t.

This often happens at nigh

Who said black clothes had to be boring? No of Norway, tha t the knitters t’s for sure. Th is Dale sweater attention that grabs so much you forget his hat, scarf and is laughing at the you. fact that he

sure. This also seems to This is a little black dress. I’m pretty meant to have one. The be the reason that all women are looking at the young lady’s more eagle-eyed will have been coordinate. watchstrap, which doesn’t half

This is how all part English men should wear blac k: part Bond banker and villain, part rock sta of Waiting for Godot. r. Then add Bonus poin a splash “wifebeater ts for braver ” is hard to y, as the keep clean.

you feel about that, Even hippies wear black. How do good, considering that capitalist society? Probably pretty to just two lovely ladies. you managed to sell three coats fur is fake – otherwise I just hope for their sakes that the PETA will be up in arms.

www.thebeijinger.com

April 2009 / the Beijinger www. thatsbj.com Sept. 2005 29 that’smags

Loud and Proud

FASHION FIVE-OH

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text by Jonathan White; photos by Mary Dennis

ook at me. Yeah, me. Over here. That’s it. Me in the brightly colored clothing. I look ace, don’t I?” Yes, you do. Summer is on the way so everyone is out looking for a mate. To try and get ahead of the competition you’ll need to stand out from the crowd, and what better than appealing to subconscious psychological impulses?

Think about it: People love bright colors and more babies are conceived in summer.

Fact? Coincidence? Nonsense? It doesn’t matter – just brighten up.

STYLE

Red toenail polish. Loud and eye-catching, definitely, but also dignified and classic.

Oh, you were looking at the fellow in all of the gaudy gear? Why do you know that his underwear is green when you can only see his front? Weird. Nice handbag, though.

Iceman: You can be my wingman any time.

Maverick: Bullshit! You can be mine.

If you are going out with your pal, even if it is daylight, you just have to coordinate.

If you’re going to coordinate then do it properly. Yellow it is, then. Hello ladies.

I’m sure this young trendsetter feels cooler than you did the time you put your boxfresh hi-tops on inside the house and sat on the sofa watching Doogie Howser, M.D. while eating Pop-Tarts. He should. He looks the business.

This top is actually half of a tracksuit. Picture that and then rethink your initial appraisal.

This is cool. It’s like the ’80s kidnapped the ’60s and decided to freak out the hippies with their modern sportswear and wildstyle graffiti ways.

This is the look of someone who just heard the words “What’s that you said? I can’t hear you over your shirt. High five.” Ouch.

It turns out that Technicolor cowboy shirtwearing, statement-making indie hipsters don’t like your dad’s jokes either.

When not dealing with counterfeiters, this man about town is busy buying genuine cosmonaut outerwear. That is also a bona fide waterproof windbreaker. It stops wind and water, and everything. Keeping it real.

The same way that you can have too much of a good thing, you can also have too little.

The hard work of the jacket and the ripped jeans with the outrageous leggings beneath gets undone by the sneakers of the future coming in all colors except pink. Jog on.

Sometimes you get the feeling that you are, in fact, a cartoon character. Sometimes you’re absolutely right. This is the best outfit ever worn in Beijing. How many times a day must she be asked for her number?

Would she write it down in crayon?

When he’s not skateboarding, this guy likes to party. You can just tell. He’s a party animal. Look at the wacky patterning on every single item from head to toe. He’s so much fun that even his shirt is a Magic Eye picture. Maybe.

www.thebeijinger.com

May 2009 / the Beijinger www. thatsbj.com Sept. 2005 31 that’smags

FASHION FIVE-OH

Garments FOR Getting In

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STYLE

text by Jonathan White; photos by Mary Dennis

ou can easily tell it’s summer in Beijing - there’s always loads more flesh on show. Admittedly, it’s usually potbellies poking out of elderly gentlemen’s rolled-up tops. Fortunately, there’s plenty of prettier skin on display too, as sweet young things shed their winter coats and head out on the town.

All good, right? Except now you have to line up outside nightclubs where you’d walked straight in just a month before. Key question: How do you get noticed enough to jump the queue?

OK, you’re going to a club and your gear is pretty coordinated but ... something’s missing. How do you accessorize just enough? Answer: Weld a mirror ball to the end of your wrist. Every club needs a mirror ball. Just pray that you’re left-handed.

What time is it? Yeah, these boys know exactly what time it is. It’s time to kick back all old-school like Kid ‘N Play. The Simon Cowell-height waistband on those denims is fly but the multicolored hooped T-shirt slightly tips it in the smoothness stakes.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, so they say. Seems that the outfits are allowed to leave Las Vegas, though. This look is easy.

All you need is a keen seamstress, access to a magician’s wardrobe and the kidnapping of a high school football mascot.

It’s much tougher for chaps in the summer.

You aren’t allowed to look too scruffy. Shirts undone at the cuffs and collar are your best bet. Then if you add in a medallion, sculpted beard and glasses, you can look like the slickest lecturer in college.

Confusion is a praiseworthy tactic. If you dress both big and little at the same time, you’ll outwit most. Big hair, big heels and a big car key are set off against shorts last seen riding that high in 1970s marathons.

People say wearing sunglasses inside is a no-no. Tell that to this gent. He’s already laughing at you because he’s cooler than the other side of the pillow. Now stop bothering him about his glasses and let him finish his drink – otherwise he’s calling his friends.

Absolutely nothing wrong with turning to Hollywood for inspiration, even if it is to the Pink Ladies of Rydell High. These three have opted for just that – ranging from the purity of Sandra Dee to the couldn’t-care-less toughness of Rizzo. Summer Lovin’ optional.

34 that’smags the 2005 Beijinger June 2009 Sept. www./ thatsbj.com

You want to look smart but not haughty, fun but not a clown. What do you do?

You go for a short-sleeved shirt, you add a snazzy tie, and then you realize the temperature might drop by the time you leave so you make sure there’s an undershirt.

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If you’re going to go in for the current trend of eschewing sleeves, then do it properly. You’re sure to get noticed if you get a color tattoo. You’ll get even more attention if that ink depicts everything ever, all at once. Nice pirate ship, sir.

FASHION FIVE-OH

STYLE

Ghetto Getaways STYLISH STEEDS FOR THE MEAN STREETS

text by Jonathan White; photos by Mary Dennis

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here are more than enough fi lms where motorbikes are the main focus. Classic road movies like Easy Rider, iconic scenes such as The Great Escape – and for the true connoisseur, there are such illconceived cinematic rides as the ill-fated Vanilla Ice vehicle, Cool As Ice. What these movies tell us is that motorcycles are a man’s best friend, with all that power and metaphorical freedom growling between your thighs.

For those of us who aren’t a Hell’s Angel or Valentino Rossi, however, the trick is to avoid looking like you’re in the midst of a midlife crisis.

These guys are a step ahead of you. They already have wheels. Which one of these crazy bikers has the meanest style?

In the blue corner. This is a classic take on a timeless mode of transport. It’s as clean as a disinfected whistle, and it’s nearly regal in this shade of almost-royal blue. Such a sheen does not come without a hefty investment of elbow grease or the type of cleaning products that you’ve only ever seen on late-night infomercials.

Let’s be clear: This is not an entry-level bike. One has to graduate to rocking a sidecar.

You can see the misspent youth of the rider written all over his leather waistcoat and a grizzled look that even the harshest bourbon couldn’t sour. The shades and gold chain are a nice touch but the pièce de résistance, if you pardon my French, is the leather shoes without socks; they whisper youthful insouciance and mean business, all at once. The only way this could get better is if there was a dog in a bandana sat in that sidecar. Shame.

VS.

Also in the blue corner. Necessity is the mother of invention, so say inventive mothers the world over. How this young man happened upon his bike is not important. What matters is the fact that he has seen Pimp My Ride. This motorbike clearly doesn’t come with all these luxuries as standard – but with a little hard work, even the lamest-looking pedal-and-pop can be turned into a not-so-lean-or-mean pulling machine.

First, you add the windshield. This makes it look like it would withstand even the slowest-moving of ram raids into a chuan’r stand. OK, it might make uphill rides almost impossible with its poor aerodynamics but those ten-inch wheels probably weren’t going to allow it anyway. Then add a couple of Chinese flags, as a “Made in China” stamp would not be giveaway enough. Next is a helluva headlight and a chrome adornment that Rolls Royce would kill for. Still not enough accessorizing? A basket for your sundry goods is a good look; a street legal number plate tops that. Then, if that weren’t already the best ride ever, the genius marks out his upward mobility with a picture of a car.

Ladies and gentlemen, your winner by knockout.

38 that’smags the 2005 Beijinger July 2009 Sept. www./ thatsbj.com

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FASHION FIVE-OH

Sink or Swim

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LOOKING COOL BY THE POOL text by Jonathan White; photos by Mary Dennis

ummer should be sun, sea and sex on the beach (the cocktail, of course). Why should that stop just because you live in a sweltering grey metropolis? Beijing is as good a place as any for donning your most dapper aquatic gear and baring your bronzed body. Here’s the sum of the summer so far:

STYLE

Victorian-inspired swimming skirts allow ladies to maintain dignity while all around you skanks are losing theirs. The swim cap is another nod to the past, but in a town where nobody wears crash helmets, the jury is out. If it had a chinstrap, the decision would make itself.

Funky European Guy A: Let’s go to the beach to celebrate getting my hair dyed.

Funky European Guy B: Wear your block color Thai fisherman-style trousers.

Funky European Guy A: And a vest. Mine’s mesh.

Funky European Guy B: Mirrored sunglasses.

Funky European Guy A: Wear your cute hat, too.

Funky European Guy B: Don’t dare smile or we won’t look totally freaking cool.

The man-in-pants look is, wrongly, all too popular worldwide and, worryingly, it’s generally the preserve of the portly gentlemen. However, it can work if you accessorize: Wear a hat, get some jewelry, carry a camera, or sport sunglasses. (Dear fat man, the ideal accessories for your pants are shorts and a T-shirt.)

Animal prints are bigger than big game hunting this season. As evidence, just look at the paparazzi shots of Hollywood starlets. This woman might be one of them.

The hat-as-disguise trick works a treat. You need to see her face. You can’t.

Arrgh.

Possible starlet: 1.

Failed paparazzo: 0.

If you’re sneaking off from your responsibilities for a day at the beach, the best way to look inconspicuous is to go incognito like these two.

Nothing says “move along, nothing to see here” like adults in giraffe and sea turtle visor-masks.

Getting buried in the sand might seem ho-hum, but if you’ve got two women doing the burying and they then make breasts for you too, then you’re officially the king of the beach. That hat now counts as a crown.

Swimwear has been heading down the retro avenue for some time but your swimmers don’t have to be all Daniel Craig or Ocean’s 11 to get on trend.

Bermuda shorts are foolproof for the summer. Bright, floral patterns are hard to stain, won’t go see-through and allow you to look cool even with your pensive Beatlemania mop.

Beijing is famous for its lube-sky days – the days when you can lube yourself up and not burn to a crisp. This chap took time off from the gym to oil himself all over in the sunshine. Two thumbs up. Just don’t accept his offer of chewing gum.

As belts go, this is an unusual choice. It’ll make it tough to use the bus or subway in rush hour.

But inflatable belts can save your life, although lifeguards and medical professionals would not recommend them for that purpose. And they usually have pictures of cartoons on them.

That’s two more reasons why fashion is more important than public transport.

Towels are fantastic. So many styles, so many ways to wear them: the mum-startled-coming-out-of-theshower, the geriatric lady’s shawl, the Sports Illustrated towel-edition pose, and the defeated heavyweight champ (not pictured).

www.thebeijinger.com

August 2009 / the Beijinger www. thatsbj.com Sept. 2005 35 that’smags

FASHION FIVE-OH

Tats Beijing

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BEAUTY IS ONLY SLIGHTLY-UNDER-THE-SKIN DEEP

eenage girls, your kid’s kindergarten teacher and your lawyer are all sporting ink. Being permanently illustrated is no longer the privilege of gangbangers, tribesmen and sailors.

The taboo’s gone – but now we don’t know who to be scared of.

text by Jonathan White

STYLE

A one-eyed skull that’s dripping blood (despite having no skin) that is swallowing a snake and has a sword crashed through its top could be a little overbearing. It won’t be, though, if you let your cackhanded nephew design it.

There have been some well-documented examples of celebrities making fools of themselves by getting ink done in foreign script and it being wrong. Not that we’re suggesting that she wanted anything other than “Friday,” “Next Friday” and “Friday After Next” being an indelible mark on her skin. Some people just can’t get enough of Ice Cube’s contributions to cinema. Word.

This is the type of tattoo that usually sends out one of two messages: A) I would love to star in your rap video; B) I’m recently divorced and back on the singles scene with a vengeance … come to think of it, I’d also love to star in your rap video.

PHOTOS: MARY DENNIS AND COURTESY OF CIYITANG TATTOO

Tattoos should express things you like, acting as a modern form of hieroglyphs that reveal you as a person. Things he likes, at a guess, in no particular order, would include the sun, his mum and sex.

Oh, and maybe spiders.

A tattoo on the small of a young lady’s back has entered the common parlance as a “tramp stamp,” which just isn’t fair.

Firstly, tramps are the British version of hobos so it’s confusing. Secondly, this piece features a cross.

Crosses are never slutty.

I only know of three wolves: the faithful Diefenbaker from Due South, heroic White Fang and the terrifying White Wolf of Icicle Creek. Yeah, the last one is from a Nancy Drew video game. So what?

Wolves are cool. (Fun trivia: There is no evidence that wolves howl at the moon.)

These two are completely in love at the moment. They’ll certainly never regret these matching tattoos. Not even after all the late nights, the “incident” at his friend’s bachelor party, or that time she and the girls went to Shanghai. It was only one time. Can’t you let anything go?

A tattoo is a great way to support a cause that’s close to your heart. Let’s face it: The prematurely greying, blue-haired, jewelforehead, yellow-eyed race of elf women is undersupported. Good on you, sir.

Customer: “Good afternoon, sir. I want a pterodactyl drawn on my back forever. I am quite the fan of dinosaurs.”

Tattoo artist: “I can’t actually draw you a pterodactyl. It’s the pointy heads, you see.”

Customer: “OK. A normal dinosaur head will do.”

Tattoo artist: [aside] “I can’t do the wings either. Or the body.”

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September 2009 / the Beijinger www. thatsbj.com Sept. 2005 33 that’smags

FASHION FIVE-OH

SNEAKING ABOUT

THE WIDE WORLD OF ATHLETIC FOOTWEAR

STYLE

text by Jonathan White; photos by Mary Dennis

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emember when you went to school? Your sneakers could be the cause of much upset if you didn’t have the “right” pair. Thing is, things don’t really change. People are still going to notice and comment on your choice of footwear. On the upside, Beijing is not gangland, so there’s no risk that those shoes your mum picked out could get you shot.

Beijing has been known to be a haven for fake goods. No, really. Get over the shock and instead look for the giveaway on these New Balanc. That’s right, dropping an “e” is neither big nor clever.

Matching shoes with your partner is about five steps cooler than wearing those T-shirts that have paired slogans. The risk is if you start playing away from home and your beloved notices you’ve changed footwear. Stay monogamous, kids. It’s simpler.

OK, these aren’t sneakers but there’s no way we weren’t going to feature them on this page. Sandals with laces in a fetching camel color take some time to comprehend. These feet belonging to a man takes a little longer still.

Skinny jeans tucked into high-tops that are almost as icy-white as the day they were box-fresh but just dirty enough to wonder where they have been. You want to be in this person’s band. Failing that, you want to be their band’s groupie.

Texture and color are to be experimented with. You’re only young once, after all.

The trouble is that when you’re young, you tend to overindulge. Imagine being so drunk you can only look at your shoes and then you see these. Blimey.

Commitment to a brand is always to be encouraged, especially if it’s a niche brand.

Avia has long been slept on by the masses.

Coordinating your kicks with even harderto-find Avia socks is a nice touch.

Cute can quickly turn to kitsch. As things stand, you are allowed to have purple laces and silver shoes and flowers and colored stripes and gold writing on your shoes. You just can’t have them all on one pair. It makes you look eight years old.

All of the hipsters that you read about in online-only magazines are wearing Feiyue now. In Beijing, though, they don’t cost the same as a pair of Alexander McQueen slacks. They are cheap and practical and perfect for gym class. Take that, zeitgeist.

These appear to have been originally made to help the Smurfs get through their harsh winters. Snowboots in blue and yellow with flower details on the eyelets sound repulsive but in a strange, anime-wrestler kind of way, they really work.

If you’re an adult but aren’t a skater, then you have no reason to wear such clumpy, awkward shoes. Unless you have fallen arches. Sorry about your arches.

30 that’smags the 2005 Beijinger October 2009 Sept. www./ thatsbj.com

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FASHION FIVE-OH

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TECH IT OUT

THOROUGHLY MODERN ACCESSORIES

STYLE

text by Jonathan White; photos by Mary Dennis

hat t i me is it? It’s tech nolog y t i me.

That polyester suit you’re wearing wasn’t fashioned from the hide of an animal.

Nor those brightly colored Crocs on your feet. If you really want to get the tech look down pat, though, you need to accessorize. Check your Casio calculatorwatch. Yeah, that’s what time it is.

“Decisions, decisions. Do I swap the stereo, calculator, camera, alarm clock, address book, board games, calendar and various other distractions in my bags for this snazzy mobile telephone? Hmmm.

I wonder if it comes with a bag.”

Synthetic textiles, man-made materials, call them what you will but you have to admit that they are eye-catching. For some reason I can’t remove my gaze from this purple-haired young lady. I think it must be the commitment to head-to-toe faux.

Did you know that this is the best-selling toy of all time? He did. He also told us that in Russia it’s called the Cubik Rubik.

If you’re good enough, you can make your Rubik’s Cube match with any outfit.

Now that’s timeless.

If you could ask this man one question, and one question only, would it be: a) “Why, when you have a pocket on your T-shirt, do you have your namebrand mp3 player in a name-brand bicep holster?” b) “Why, if it’s so important to listen to music when you’re on the move, are your headphones wrapped around your arm?” c) Seriously, buddy, what is that pocket for?

When everybody’s wearing the same uniform, it’s essential to accessorize to put your own spin on it. Who wears theirs better? The old-school cool of the retro plane is a good look but Mr. Electric Saw blows him out of the water. It just makes his whites whiter.

30 that’smags the 2005 Beijinger November 2009 Sept. www./ thatsbj.com

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Even the youngsters can go for the tech look these days. This pair look the business in their sports utility perambulator.

No wonder they look so fearless and relaxed – they could probably do a bungee jump in that thing.

Movies can inspire dramatic life choices.

Was the choice here to have ball bearings inserted into his face to make him look like Hellboy? No, the choice here was to develop the knowledge to make crystal balls float like David Bowie in Labyrinth. Tra la la.

Photographer: “Excuse me, could I take your photo?

Those are quite the headphones.”

This guy: “What?”

Photographer: “I’m sorry, you might have to take them off to hear what I am saying.

I’m trying to ask you a question.

This guy: [SHOUTING] “I can’t hear you, I’ll have to take off my massive headphones.”

Photographer: “Nice cans.”

[Cue startled response]

Thanks to technological progress, cutlers can now fashion intricate blades like this one ...

You know what – I’m not even going to bother. She’s carrying a knife. That’s some Jerry Springer shit.

What says tech-savvy more than three rolls of electrical tape used as bangles?

Nothing, that’s what. As a bonus, these bold primary colors hit the mark for festival fashion.

FASHION FIVE-OH

HAIR TODAY

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air. It’s more than a controversial musical. It’s a way of life. How else do you explain the plethora of hairdressers in Beijing? If they aren’t cutting hair, then what could they possibly be doing? No matter. What’s clear is that a bit of mousse and expert tousling can swing you over the fine line between fool and cool.

FOLLICLE FOLLY

STYLE

text by Jonathan White; photos by Mary Dennis

Let your hair do its thing. Then you might be as joyful as this man. Hirsute is clearly the pathway to wholehearted happiness.

Volume is important but should it come at the expense of your hair’s health? Full marks for effort but two treatments ago was as good as it was going to get. Hold back, kids.

Less is more. More ends up like the extra in a John Hughes film who ends up on the cutting room floor because the coiffure’s gone too far.

I thought I knew a thing or two about active imaginations but this is something else. This is one guy, front and back. You probably knew that, though. He is your bank manager, after all. Now about that loan application …

The voice on the other end of the line when these students call home: “Dreadlocks, you say? Erm … Yeah, sure.

They are bound to make you look cool, you’re absolutely right. Stick with them, I say. One love and all of that.

Oh no, don’t tell me that you’ve put beads in them or got short spiky ones because that’s only going to make you a target. You’re wearing what? Don’t call here again.“ (BEEP)

Do blonds really have more fun? If they do, it’s because you can get away with wearing anything after going platinum. No one’s going to notice your Adam Ant get-up or what gender-specific anatomical terms apparently emblazon your shirt.

28 that’smags the 2005 Beijinger December 2009 Sept. www./ thatsbj.com

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FASHION FIVE-OH

BEIJING UNMASKED

BREATHING EASY AS THE YEAR TURNS

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eijing isn’t all “blue sky days.” Sometimes it’s pretty, erm, foggy here. That’s when you need to cold rock a mask. Just don’t mention swine flu.

STYLE

text by Jonathan White; photos by Mary Dennis

Mask weather also marks the start of Beijing’s unofficial “Dressing as Shredder” competition. This gent has undoubtedly done a good job but the lady comes out victorious. She gets extra points for her location between the rats in Sanlitun and the turtles sold on the Third Ring Road. Thus pre-empting Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 4: Beijing.

What says pollution-aware and image-conscious more than buying a patterned facemask?

Maybe a radioactive beret or keeping sewage in a crystal decanter. I don’t know. All I know is pollution is not meant to be this cheery.

Masks don’t grow on trees.

(OK, wooden masks kind of do.)

But necessity is the mother of invention for the frugal hypochondriac. Hoods need not be the sole preserve of anti-social youngsters ... you can use them to cover your face too. Just not from the police, kid.

The surgical-style m This is the 2010 version of slanting the brim on your flat-peak New Era cap.

28 that’smags the 2005 Beijinger January 2010 Sept. www./ thatsbj.com

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And you thought Christmas came but once a year.

You have to admit this is worth a smile. Just ask her backseat passenger/protégé.

Those unwilling to stoop to sporting a mask can always rely on looking haughty. The Air Pollution Index is well-known to fear its social betters. Fact.

(NB. May not be an actual fact.)

STYLE

FASHION FIVE-OH

Prints Among Men ANIMAL-INSPIRED FASHION text by Jonathan White; photos by Mary Dennis

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hanks to the fashion bible that is the Calgary Sun, we found out that animal prints are “in” this season. Not just in the greater Alberta area, or even Canada at large (although both are fashion hothouses, that’s for sure).

Beijing, too, is in on the craze with prints that are wilder than a box set of Animals Say The Funniest Things (which is also popular in Canada).

Which came first: the startled-in-theheadlights look or the snazzy moose antlers?

Answers on an e-card to thatwasmeanttobeajoke@keepup.com

“Yo, this is X to tha Z, Xzibit, all the way up in Beijing, China pimping them rides, for real.

We took short dog’s iron horse and straight twisted his whip, like you know how we do.

Westside.” English translation: What a spiffy seat cover. It’s leopard, don’t you know.

Ancient folklore would have you believe that the powers of animals can be transferred to humans.

Synthetic fabrics make this a reality for all. If you don’t believe in anthropozoöism, just check out this handplant.

The man snowboards just like a tiger in the wild.

There comes a time in your life that you think: Why not? This is where such flagrant exhibitionism begins. It all ends 40 years later in Dongzhimen bus station, minus the jeans, shouting at strangers for chuan’r money.

Flaunt it while you’ve got it, sister.

Everyone knows that the nicest smell in the world is that just behind a dog’s ear. Putting a dog on top of a human ear flips the script.

You already knew you wanted to touch her earmuffs … now you want to smell her ear, don’t you? And that, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is why fashion is to blame.

A poor, defenseless Dalmatian puppy has been slaughtered and then skinned to make a saddle cover.

Disgusting. Throw paint on such saddles. Animals are people too.

What do we want?

Justice.

When do we want it?

Only after the supermodels pose for the nudie PETA campaigns.

For those unfamiliar, the Care Bears were a worldwide phenomenon in those sugar high-filled days known as the 1980s. Their caring ways would beget rainbows and thwart the dastardly schemes of the evil No Heart. The Care Bears did not drink lager.

If this young man asks you to rub his “tummy symbol,” don’t. Ever.

28 that’smags the 2005 Beijinger February 2010 Sept. www./ thatsbj.com

www.thebeijinger.com

The last word in the fur debate goes to this man’s hat.

Beijing’s very own Davy Crockett made it himself. He outwitted the varmint and turned him into a snug trapper hat.

That’s cooler than those deer heads mounted on your drawing room wall.

Mark our words; urban hunting is going to be so big this year. You’ll never see another cat in the hutongs.

Combining designer labels and animal print is not an easy look for men to accomplish.

This chap manages the difficult Louis Vuitton-cartoon crossover with gusto by capping it off with a Beijing take on Kanye West’s haircut.

Give us a bear hug, you cuddly devil.

STYLE

FASHION FIVE-OH

One For the Books BEWARE OF GEEKS WEARING GIFTS text by Jonathan White; photos by Mary Dennis

G

eek chic first appeared in either the year 1876 or more likely in the mid-1990s. That’s when the Internet became popularized and suddenly all those dudes with glasses and wedgies had become rich, successful and able to help you log on to AOL. History lesson over.

Geeks are the new nerds.

Leather trousers are kind of the opposite of bookish cool. Then you see them worn with a facial expression only ever seen on milk carton ads for missing children or posters tacked onto lampposts looking for a lost dog. This look could be called well-thumbed.

Thumbs up.

This is what the laptop-in-public people look like to those who aren’t out looking for free WiFi and their java fix: a) a genius who uses his Notebook as handy pocket-sized personal stereo b) confused like a small child forcibly dressed for some manner of family photo c) smug like original EU member states Resist the urge. Keep them closed.

To style yourself as “wise” has to be foolish. That is, unless you manage to look like a man who has just climbed Everest the oldfashioned way.

That’s a proper mountaineer’s beard. Kudos.

Non-identical twin A: ”Highlights and stubble.”

Non-identical twin B: “Check.“ Non-identical twin A: “Maroon shirt.“ Non-identical twin B: “Check.“ Non-identical twin A: “Trenchcoat and scarf.“ Non-identical twin B: “Check, check, check.“ Non-identical twin A: “Look out, world - here we come.“

Accessories, according to those skilled in the art of seduction, should be able to spark conversation.

An example would be you carrying a Thomas the Tank Engine Thermos so that someone will talk to you and you have your “in.”

Browsing magazines and pretending you don’t know you’re being looked at it is how the shy kids are spinning it.

This shouldn’t work. At all.

It does and the reason lies somewhere between corduroy headwear, fingered-andhinged mittens and some good old-fashioned bar-brawler sideburns.

28 that’smags the 2005 Beijinger March 2010 Sept. www./ thatsbj.com

What do you see?

A slight military twist, a scarf with words on it, one of those haircuts that all the kids have.

This is what your girlfriend wants you to look like, except you don’t have a girlfriend because all the trendy guys have them.

www.thebeijinger.com

STYLE

FASHION FIVE-OH

BAKER’S DOZEN

AN ASSORTMENT OF TREATS text by Jonathan White; photos by Mary Dennis

F

or those not from N’awlins, a lagniappe is when a vendor throws in a freebie with your purchase. Locally, it’s like when you get a free Yashow calendar to sweeten that deal on spangly leggings. Here are twelve snaps with a little something extra tossed in just for you. We’re not entirely sure which one should have been gratis.

You may be forgiven for thinking that these pins belong to a nine-year-old girl. You’d be surprised to find out that they do not. They hold up a man of 36. If fashion isn’t about fun, being who you want to be, and remembering when you were a schoolgirl, then what is? Therapy?

This man-about-town is never off the grind. It’s strictly business from the corner to the club but that doesn’t mean a change of clothes. Buttons shined and buttoned-up on a classic silhouette get the job (and the party) done.

This is a look every man, woman and child should emulate. Take a look at his Hulihee beard (aka “bridged muttonchops”). And that’s before the quiff and the pseudo-tweed. We call it “the brigadier abroad.”

Hoods are great. G-R-E-A-T. First off, they can hide your face from the elements.

Secondly, the inside of them smells of you.

This is a good thing. Unless you smell worse than Beijing. In which case, sorry.

Monochromatic never goes out of style, even if furry hoods are best left to people who like to buy seasonally rather than invest. Fingerless gloves are a nod to the hobo-chic that’s lit up Paris. It’s just a shame he has so many eggs, as over there one egg is un oeuf.

44 that’smags the 2005 Beijinger April 2010 Sept. www./ thatsbj.com

Ever wondered what would happen if Super Mario jumped through the wrong warp pipe and ended up in Do the Right Thing?

No need. Next month: Sonic the Hedgehog in Malcolm X.

www.thebeijinger.com

Beijing is sometimes so far ahead of the game that it’s like the game doesn’t know the rules. This local Sid Vicious has it all: ski jacket, high-tops, cropped jeans and a sneer. Scope them out for next season.

FASHION FIVE-OH

PARK LIFE WHERE THE GRASS IS GREENER text by Jonathan White; photos by Mary Dennis

P

eep, peep. Keep off the grass. Parks here are alright, but there’s no place for dogs in them – not cool, Beijing. Mind you, there’s not much by way of muggings by hooded thugs here. These greener pastures breed fashion finery at its finest. With spring getting sprung, we had a stealthy snoop at the folks getting some exercise and cutting down on their pork life.

This bombshell is wearing the rivets out of her metallic bomber jacket. Her eye for color extends from that jacket to those peachy Nike Cortez. The lesson is to throw away your color wheel.

As any gangsta rap fan could tell you, Killer Cali knows about sunshine. And glocks. But going back to the sunshine – these chaps seem to have inspired every Californian rapper ever in their choice of dress. Wifebeaters, buttondowns and khakis with a cuff and a crease. It’s a bottle of malt liquor and a dice game away from getting shut down by the po-po.

Ill-fitting, baggy clothing has long been the staple of youths who secretly desire to be American. This fellow’s backpack (sensibly employing both straps) and backwards cap add a touch of late ’90s New York underground hip-hop. However, this look lives or dies on the use of a motorbike as a park bench.

It lives.

Spring may be in the air but in Beijing nowadays this can’t be assumed to mean much. The smart money is still on sweaters. These junior hipsters have got the look under lock and key. It’s unisex, it’s playful and it’s going to keep colds at bay. Bless you.

46

MAY 2010

When trends collide … should be a program on the Discovery Channel but until then we only have this photograph. It’s like an homage to John Hughes.

Bar-brawl denim, more flowers than Micronesia and not one but two day-glo colors. High five.

FASHION FIVE-OH

STYLEFEST CUTTING A DASH WHILST CUTTING A RUG text by Jonathan White; photos by Mary Dennis

S

tocks used to be where a village punished its criminals by way of rotten vegetables.

Since Woodstock, that’s all changed. “Stock” is now a suffix to any and all manner of lunacy masquerading as a music festival. Warning: Some of the following photographs are disturbing.

Joan Holloway, Papa Smurf and the Goth CHiPs ... why on earth do people get dressed like this for a music festival? I expect it’s because they work in banks. Except for the guy dressed as Supergirl. He’s a baker.

The sun’s beating down, the masses are sporting shorts – and what does the style savant do? He or she eschews a high SPF sun cream by covering up while still keeping it Mad Men.

Politically aware slogans are generally cool (as long as you agree with them, obviously). When such slogans are selfish, it’s another matter – championing the rights of a single individual is wack. And we get it, guy – you don’t like homework.

These leggings are louder than most of the stages at festivals. That’s not to say they’re not fabulous. They are.

The colors would be reason enough, as would the Ghouls and Goblins-esque ghosts and such, but that stance is aces.

46

JUNE 2010

FASHION FIVE-OH

THE REAR VIEW AN AFFRONT TO THE FRONT

text by Jonathan White; photos by Mary Dennis

B

aby got back. Sir Mix-a-Lot already told you. Rap paeans notwithstanding, the back is often overlooked for the front. It’s understandable, given our fields of vision and the way we evolved from beady-eyed savannah-dwelling imbeciles. But move it along, ladies and gents. It’s all about the rear this year.

R iviera ave a certaminbination h s te to d le e co Whee d the sais quoi.Th retiree je ntieng stripes of the bag asenoffun a n o se b a e d th f ad o edtrousersrwhetherthere’sa mutedstrispyo uwonde b a g. e ak thatm t o r w a te r g u n in th a t o sl in g sh

Ph ob ia s ar e a ha rs h m is tr es s.

Idiagnosethesetw athazagoraphob owiththefollowing: ignored)orscotomia (the fear of being aphobia(thefearof becomingblind) .Andapparently, co up le se lf- m ed this ic at es .

n”sang my Dearagingus im J , o d u n o B ra ewasenc irhave “Marlon awhenoshnochromaticpahe only n n o d a T M tions. t .Thism tovogueeled her inspiraeir outfits is tha h n t n t cha thing abou a n d s o n . weird r e m o t h e r they a

exactly pleswearingaseafter u co se o th e enyouse wanttoch Youknowwohthesanditmakesyo?uSometimesyousee cl e e if m n k e tched thesa MickDundethataresostylishlym.Yaoustill themwithsiate le in p a u :aco rnsag theoppo eyoubelieveinunicom , th o u g h … e k a th m r e to s ft a a g in s a end up ch

Iwasalwaystoldnottomixmyme taphors.The sameshouldbesaidforsty .Animalprint, seersucker, gladiator sanles dals, distressed denim and umbrellas ’t mix. Come on, pe op le, it’s no t roccan ke t sur ge ry.

46

JULY 2010

w ays no two lm ’s re st e h T r. inne l-iconprintisa oer a th c Pink is a w e ti g u a to o N t. aboutthhaape.Puttingthetw atest st yle asshipsably the single gre on. is prob t io n s in c e t h e ir in n o v a

FASHION FIVE-OH

THE LAST RESORT HOT STEPPING ON THE HOT SANDS

text by Jonathan White; photos by Mary Dennis

R

oll up your trouser legs, pack your trunks and say hello to the circus that is the inner city beach resort. What’s more charming than splish-splash fun that’s accessible via subway? The only downside is finding something to wear that won’t look gauche to the family sitting in the pool smoking cigarettes and eating sausages.

Nothing says “summer” more than blazingorange.Nothingsays“summer in Beijing” more than trying to stay outofthesun.Wide-brimmedhatsand long,looseclothingmakesense.Shoes that make you look like a shy, timetraveling Buddhist stripper do not.

Writingontheseatofone’ssaddlecoveringhaslongbeenthe privilege of the fairer sex. The likes of Z-list celebrities, realityTVshowstarsandthoseonstatehandoutshavemade the look their own. This cad has decided to man it up. He’s ever so brave for wearing his year-old trunks in public.

You don’t even need swimwear for the beach. This MacGyver of style knows the score. A knot here, a pair of soccer shorts there and you’re one piece of tin foil from something you can wear to the after-party.

With its bias-cut stripes, empire waist and heartdetailing,thisVictorian-inspiredbathing suit says“I’m a woman but you’re going to have to work for this.” She has all the mystique of a tin of chocolates from Eastern Europe.

Competitive swimming is filled with controversy over thedevelopmentofbodysuitsthatboostspeedbycutting drag. Is it fair that such innovation can make the differencebetweenoutrighthumanendeavorandsmashed records? Does it matter when that record-breaking speed is used to get to the chuan’r stand first?

Sand is f**king hilarious. No other way about it. Better than any worries about what you look like is to get covered in sand and let no one judge. Unbridled joy is the best look anyone can adopt.That or a madras tuxedo.

Sun, fun and cosplay. This gal looks like a hentai homage to a Bond girl. Done well, colorcoordinationcantakethemostmundane outfit to the style summit, and this outfit is done well. Free lollipop for the natty hair.

46

AUGUST 2010

FASHION FIVE-OH

SWEATERS

Whoever said lace had no place in sports never saw this jogger. This woman gets a Victorian high-five for rocking the shirt-shorts lace-trim combo, but her steampunk masterstroke is to bring back athletic bloomers for their sportsscienceapplications.Thosevoluminousairpockets allowforingeniouscoolingandventilation.Bloomin’’eck.

CLOTHES FOR SPORTS

text by Jonathan White; photos by Mary Dennis

W

e don’t talk often enough about clothing’s functionality. This is why soccer teams don’t ever play in their national dress, nor do swimmers wear cardigans and slacks.

Some people have the audacity to push the envelope and gain function where there was only form. Of course, some people fail.

Beijing has a muscle beach? Well, where is it? Oh, that way. Not quite Arnold (“You call those lats?”)

Schwarzenegger in his prime, but the cut of the vest’s armssuggestadmirableambition.Dressinglikeamuscleman is a strong look. Let’s hope their garish pants make a comeback.

This pair is working out in unison but there’s only one winner in the style stakes. Dora the Explorer on her day off has it by a mile. Sunglasses to hide exercise eyes and a dark top to hide sweat. The tired chap next to her could learn a thing or two.

If you’re going to go for that whole lao Beijingren thing of rolling up your shirt, then let gravity do it for you. Much, much cooler.

“Denim has transcended jeans”... it’s a message that won’t go away. Now jeans are fighting back, declaring themselves quite fitting for fast-paced sports. This jeanius table-warrior is already sporting the look. One-love to jeans.

46

SEPTEMBER 2010

Whatsays“safety-consciousbut still a free spirit” like the combination of a harness and flip-flops? (Answer: A helmet and henna tattoo. Or maybe piercings and a diving bell.)

FASHION FIVE-OH

TRICK, TRICK, TREAT

“Hi guys, I can’t wait for Halloween.

I’ve a brilliant costume idea.”

“That’s what you said last year.”

“Well, this time’s different.”

“How’s that?”

“I’m going as ... wait for it ...

Teen Wolf.”

HALLOWEEN HAUTE COUTURE?

by Jonathan White

H

alloween is the most important holiday in the world in the fashion stakes. Masquerade allows everyone to explore their wilder side in a way that reindeer-motif knitwear or New Year’s finery does not. If you want to be a lion, a witch or even a wardrobe, then you can. That’s not to say that every look is a winner. Oh, no …

I, like all normal children, wanted to be a comic book villain. This is megalomaniac chic at its zenith – a look to die for (an elaborately theatrical death, no doubt).

Cane, pipe and boney hand are good but the saucy nurse henchman is the musthave accessory this season.

There is a fine line between an homage to a movie killer and looking like a touring French mime troupe.

It’s hard to tell which side of that line this outfit comes down on, but those gloves scream murderer more so than man-climbing-invisible-ladder.

It is often said that women love a man in uniform.

Common sense suggests that women do not love the addition of a balaclava helmet. Top marks for coming off as authentic SWAT personnel, but a dunce’s hat for crossing the line between being a bit dangerous and an arrest warrant.

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

We’ve all been asked that. Who hasn’t answered: “A racecar-driving astronaut who moonlights as a vet while finding time to summer in St. Tropez and bring a pennant to the Knicks.” This guy lives that.

“Get down to the mask store – it’s two-for-one on all stock.” When you hear advice like that, you have to take it. Thank goodness this pair did. Then they had the good sense to add a touch of the imperial for a look that’s cooler than hypothermia.

50

OCTOBER 2010

Robots in disguise, they say? Really? Athletic wear is not much of a disguise. Mind you, if you’re a robot as good-looking as that, why would you want to turn into a truck when you could kick back in comfort?

FASHION FIVE-OH

TURNING HEADS

A GUIDE TO GETTING NOTICED

by Jonathan White

P

erforming a very memorable party trick, being a reality-television celebrity or singing “Happy Birthday, Mr. President” – it takes something special to get noticed at a party. Since there’s at least one party on every night of the year in this fair city, you’ve got your work cut out for you. Here are some tips from our nine years of archives.

In an ideal world, getting noticed and patriotic display go hand in hand. In a better than ideal world, you’ll be able to get a breeze between your legs too.

There’s getting noticed and then there’s the kind where the word “notice” is quickly followed by “of eviction” or something just as bad. Rowdy behavior will only get you run out of town – soon you’ll be trying to drink your airline-size cola through a baby shoe just to prove that you’re wacky.

If getting noticed seems like more bother than it’s worth, blend in by dressing in black.

If you really don’t want to get noticed, a tasteful handwritten note often works.

If you have a talent, don’t hide it under a bushel – expose it. Those naysayers said it would be unfeasible to perform on request, but you showed them. At times like this, you thank the portable 2010 dance pole.

46 science forNOVEMBER

2Pac said don’t sleep but should you take advice from a rapper? Of all musicians, they’re the most likely to fake their own deaths in order to release derivative “posthumous” material, so look elsewhere for advice. And sleep all you want, especially if you can hang loose at the same time.

FASHION FIVE-OH

WEATHER OR NOT KEEPING OUT THE COLD

text by Jonathan White; photos by Mattia Baldi

Nothing wrong with boho-chic. It has been hip since Keith Richards first chased the dragon.

However, giving it the big Mick Jagger-pose makes the overall look more Anthony Michael than Jerry Hall.

The elegance and simplicity of the clothing, the subtle meander around the color palette.

It all looks so soft to the touch. Then you see the sunglasses and remember why everyone wants to punch Bono.

46

DECEMBER 2010

If there’s a reason that the word dressage begins with the word dress, then this would be it. The modern equestrianist’s ensemble is an update of a classic look that has long permeated Europe’s upper echelons. Think Princess Anne drawn by HR Giger but less horsey.

Have you ever noticed that assassins in films never smile? They’re always tortured sorts who don’t ever seem happy despite their impeccable dress. There’s nothing at all wrong with wearing all black. There might be something wrong with holding a gun behind your back …

This chap’s outfit is the reason that you enrolled in his architecture lectures. Look how much fun those layers suggest he is. He even looks like he skateboards to work.

Fairy tales are as good a place as any to start when you’re picking your outfit for the day.

Then there’s the added bonus that picnic blankets make for pretty natty scarves.

This look combines all of the bad aspects of a painter-and-decorator, a hairdresser and a market-trader. It then moonlights as a rent boy.

Please put some more clothes on, sunshine.

If this hood was taken on face value by the British government, it would result in a custodial sentence. Ignore them. This is the hood that people dream that their kids will be able to afford.

The working man is rarely the inspiration for designers that he should be. Sure, every hipster is sporting a lumberjack shirt now, but when’s the last time you saw a real lumberjack? Rock a leather jacket, slacks and a collar-crew neck combo for some real working-class class.

“Leather keeps out the weather” seems like a maxim any self-respecting Hell’s Angel’s mother would extol. This much hide would normally be worn by someone brandishing a bike chain, but in combination with a fresh face, it goes together like rama-lama-lama-ka-dinga-da-dinga-dong.

DECEMBER 2010

47

FASHION FIVE-OH

WARMING SIGNS STAYING SNUG THIS SEASON

text by Jonathan White; photos by Mattia Baldi

Warm is not only a comfortable temperature at which to keep soup; it also applies to feelings. This siren has explored both meanings of the word by accenting her warm coat with an anatomically inaccurate heart, perky balloon and I-suppose-they-make-sense-becausehell-is-hot devil horns.

You might be keeping warm but that doesn’t mean you can’t stay cool. Oh, no.

Rock some of that big hair, bigwig/dictator-chic: bejeweled specs, matching earrings, a fur collar and a cane. And you thought power-dressing was just shoulder pads.

46

JANUARY 2011

It’s a known fact that Superman is never any hotter than when he is getting changed. Copy that by getting your own glass booth. Remember to layer as there is no guarantee that Beijing boxes will be draft-free.

Down-filled bubble jackets are a recent innovation and an ugly one at that. In the way-backwhen, you could keep your core temperature and your style quotient up at the same time.

Look at the patterns and textures – it even looks good in Braille.

Sometimes you have to go against the grain when it comes to style and opt for comfort. What could be warmer than walking around in what is, in essence, a sleeping bag? Nothing. That’s why he’s smug and you’re shivering.

If you only have that cartoon sheep outfit in the wardrobe, then pull it on. Just make sure to watch out for predators on those mean streets.

This jacket immediately brings to mind toy poodles that have been coiffed to within an inch of their lives. The playful print, dyed hair and cheeky nail polish make it forgivable – like when you see toy poodles get their own back.

Three generations of the same luxurious look. The verdict? Winner, winner, winner.

Interesting fact: As time goes by, ’80s-tastic hair volume increases. That’s the real winner.

Trends are like friends. Good ones are hard to find and too many will make you look like a boy band. Just pick one or else run the risk of looking like Simon Cowell sent you home without even letting you sing.

JANUARY 2011

47

FASHION FIVE-OH

IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED...

These two look like they’re not to be trusted with an estimate for replacing a blown gasket but they’d be perfect for helping you move house. What’s not to like? Quality coats, jeans and suitable footwear finished with a selection of gloves. Now make them a cup of really strong tea.

STOP TRYING SO HARD

text by Jonathan White; photos by Mattia Baldi

From the Classifieds section on TheBeijinger.com: “If you want to be in the coolest darn gang in all of Beijing then we’re looking for you, hip cat. Ability to turn-up jeans and wear sunglasses AT THE SAME TIME is a must.

Your own retro athletics gear is a plus. Meet 1pm sharp at Sanlitun Village.”

Nothing says “I am such a rebel. You can’t possibly control me” like dyeing your hair bottle-blonde and smoking a cigarette. At least, that was the case before the Sex Pistols split up. Punk’s not dead but it’s worried about having a fall in the bath.

46

FEBRUARY 2011

Buon giorno, Beijing. This pair would not look out of place on the streets of Milan. Not that Milan has a rule where your style has to be paired with a pal’s or one of them has to be ever-so-knowingly androgynous. That only happens in Shanghai. Ciao.

If you all have to wear the same drab uniform for work, that’s work’s fault. If you can’t style it out, that’s your fault.

Each member of this trio has offered something unique to pluck themselves out of mundanity and for that they’re slicker than an oil massage from a BP executive.

TOP TIP: If you’re not happy with how you look when you leave the house, then sleep on it. At some point everything comes back into fashion.

Put a spring in your step with some traditional Spring Festival celebratory clobber. It’s got the lot: color, headgear and dangly, flowing bits. Stop reading now. Go to the shops. Get on Taobao. Do whatever it takes.

Style consultants are always banging on about “your colors” and coordinating your look. Look at this ensemble and then ponder why you pay thousands of kuai to a charlatan. Dark denim patched onto beige, an egg-yolk yellow cap, clashing gloves and a contrasting denim cleans up.

Green coat: (SMS) cant wait 2 meet up. my outfit is so niuB. U’ll <3 the ripped tites. my coat’s 2 die 4 2. X Blue jeans: (SMS) K, c u @ the mall l8r yeh? i got mah new kicks & fresh tee on.

Grey clothes: “Nobody’s texting me. What is wrong with this thing?”

If a Mickey Mouse hat is not official Disney merchandise, does that make it a Mickey-Mouse Mickey Mouse hat? If you are cool enough to wear one, you shouldn’t care. Wasting time dwelling on philosophy’s bigger issues can wait ’til adulthood.

FEBRUARY 2011

47

FASHION FIVE-OH

FORM AND FUNCTION

Who says you need a job to have a uniform? Well, tell society to shove it. This outfit is de rigueur for retirees. Smart shoes and a collared shirt (with matching socks) show that you still take pride in your appearance. Sweatpants, knitwear and vintage denim prove that you are above dressing for the crowd.

text by Jonathan White; photos by Mattia Baldi and Roberta Pero

“Think Different” is what they sell you. And that’s exactly what you do: become an individual who wears your compulsory T-shirt over a woolen sweater with a woolen hat. Indoors. Yeah, you’re a genius, all right.

Do they call them high-visibility tabards because they reflect light ... or because they’re everywhere nowadays? These vests have had their fluorescence washed out and their reflective strips grimed and – in the way that Converse All-Stars look better dirty – it works.

46

MARCH 2011

The only thing worse than wearing a suit of armor is getting the date of the costume party wrong.

The only thing worse than that is getting the suit of armor off when nature calls. No one’s going to let you call them “fair maiden” if you smell authentically medieval.

You know what they say – if you can’t wok the wok, then don’t toque the toque. Plain and simple is the way to go in the kitchen – that goes both for ingredients and your chef’s whites. Let’s just hope she’s not pairing them with wacky pants and Crocs.

In certain parts of the world, men are afraid of color. That can’t be said here. If you are willing to dress like a camp Oxford don or a bold golfer attending a luncheon, more power to you.

Just stop talking about property prices.

The critical acclaim for the Coen brothers’ True Grit means that now is the perfect time to start wearing a Stetson. Admittedly, the hat only really counts as part of a uniform when you’re wrangling cattle but exceptions can be made if you can sing Kenny Rogers’ half of “Islands in the Stream.”

Surely this is what one would have found upon arrival in the Eastern Bloc in the late 1980s: as much military and law enforcement influence as could be squeezed onto such a rationed silhouette. Worn with patent shoes because “In disco, we are dance. Yes? Vodka?”

Customer: That’s a fancy uniform.

TCM pharmacist: [speech inaudible] Customer: I like the retro collar. Nice buttons too.

TCM pharmacist: [louder] Tfmhmm uhh hrghhhhhghn.

Customer: This is pointless. How much for the wormwood?

TCM pharmacist: [clear] 14 kuai, please.

MARCH 2011

47