The Complete Party Like A ... Collection: 2008-2012 by Jonathan White

PARTY LIKE A ...

ALIEN VS. TOURIST

EARTH DATE: 2010. COORDINATES: 39° 56′5′N, 116° 26′59.5′E by Jonathan White

e arrive in Beijing’s Sanlitun at local time 10.36pm. Our quest? To deter mine which of these human tourists (e.g. AMERICANS, BRITONS, GERMANS) and their traits that we should emulate in order to become better liked once we commence Stage 2 (Assimilation) in the planned colonization of their puny planet. Our first problem is that all of these tourists look the same. We were ill-prepared for this. Caucasians – as our intelligence sources advise us that these Earthlings are classified – are all too similar to one another. We had been briefed that individuals of different Earth nationalities could be identified through variations in their corporeal mass and girth alone, but this assertion has proved to be problematic. The humans sporting horizontal bars of alternating red and white alongside crude renderings of stars are only slightly larger than those resplendent in their black, red and gold. Previous findings indicated that humans spend a great many hours lubricating themselves with liquids voluminous in ethanol. In this particular locale, such ingestion is key to intra-species social interaction, manifesting either as a crude courtship ritual or violent confrontation with members of rival human packs to assert status. What begins as sensibly-paced consumption becomes more frantic over time. Some humans even ingest “shots” (undiluted liquor) to further accelerate the process of intoxication.

The tourists under surveillance become more distinguishable as this period of drinking peaks. The AMERICANS begin to chant the name of their nation in a state of some excitement which becomes stronger when a device to speed up the swallowing of drink is produced and o p e r a t e d ; t h e B R I TO N S s e e m i n t e n t o n consuming as many different sugary, colored drinks as they can; the GERMANS continue to drink hops-based alcohol of high organic integrity; and the FRENCH sip lager in bottles while not giving their patronage to any particular bar. Meanwhile the AUSTRALIANS are too busy working behind bars to get drunk. Note: In order to procure the desired liquids, these humans exchange fiber and metal tokens with the keepers of said drink. The AMERICANS and BRITONS exchange many less of these tokens per individual drink. As nighttime progresses toward early morning, our subjects’ intentions turn sharply toward food. Differences, once again, abound as they all order different things. This display of difference seems all the more unusual as they all go to a single pur veyor of fuel named “McDonald’s.” The GERMANS are not hungry qas they have been feasting on small sausages along with their beers; meanwhile, the AMERICANS order almost an eighth of their mass in products purpor ted to be largely meat-based (our scanners were unable to confirm these reports). During this entire time, only one of the BRITONS

has ventured after foodstuffs. The remaining members of his party continue to consume alcohol rapidly – aside from one human who is realigning his energy levels in the corner and another human who has assumed a prostrate position while expelling his previous intake. Drinking recommences. The behavior of the intoxicated tourists elicits widely var ying reactions from passersby. These reactions range from lust for the young female BRITONS (for exhibiting procreative availability) to the swift dispatch of a plastic chair into the head of the most alpha of AMERICAN males. Note: Our research brief had cited a report compiled for Expedia (a tourism-related Internet node) as claiming that BRITONS are the rudest, meanest and worst-behaved holidaymakers in the world, as well as the least likely to make an effort to speak the local language. Despite the primitive technology of the humans’ Internet, the findings of their survey mirror our own. Just above the BRITONS on the league table of holiday infamy are the ISRAELI and IRISH. As our surveillance failed to include an IRISH pub, these reports remain unconfirmed. Based on our surveillance, our only conclusion is that our assimilative efforts would be best spent on emulating the tourist behavior of GERMAN humans. We suggest that our top scientists be immediately assigned to replicate their national costume.

IMAGE:JOEY JOEYGUO GUO ILLUSTRATION:

AUGUST 2010

PLA ...

PARTY LIKE AN ALPHABET The ABCs of Beijing nightlife

BARS & CLUBS

by Jonathan White

is for alcohol and houses of ales Where shoptalk is shelved and banter prevails.

is for tales of Nanjie from years past When your ﬁrst ten-kuai drink was never your last.

is for boozing and bothersome shooters, And ﬁnding out that the reason for birthdays is Hooters.

’s for opportunity and one-night stands And walks of shame past reverse-walking grans.

is for covers (both charges and bands), And how cocktails plus chuan’r equals vomit in hands.

is for pints, parties and Propaganda And 40-kuai cab fares to get a proper gander.

is for decor and discos and dancing With dirtiest grinding in place of romancing.

is for queues that stretch on for miles And a nod and a wink to alternative lifestyles.

is for editors and ESL teachers And other examples of spongers and leechers.

is for RMB, which you’ll be needing, And turning back to p54 for reviews to be reading.

is for ﬁreworks on Chivas Regal Brought out by fuwuyuan who seem barely legal.

is for snacks, well, they’re really just peanuts And come-hither students with chat driving me nuts.

is for gin, ice and tonic in glasses And reading The Game to bring assholes to asses.

is for tapas and trivia nights Which should be called pub quizzes, by rights.

is from homeys hollering “Hey man! What’s up?” The tired sales tactic of the down-on-their-luck.

is for underpants and urgent urology, Drinking cranberry and a phone-call apology.

’s for illegal, illicit and iffy and also for eyes that fake booze will make squiffy.

is for vodka, both cheap and expensive However you mix it, the effects are extensive.

is for japing, “only joking” and jesting And waking up in The Den when you were merely resting.

is for watching (people or games) And asking your wingman to ask the girl’s name.

is for KTV and pricey Kilkenny And making it home with nary a penny.

is your signature on credit card bills When the end of a bottle was the cure for your ills.

is for Ladies Night and local lager Girls dancing with men as old as their father.

is for yes when you should really mean no The drunken courage of “How bad can this go?”

is for Mongols and mixed drinks in Mix And megaclub Gongti which all looks like Vics.

is for zzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzz zzzzzzz (that’s cartoon snoring) That peaceful coma before a hungover morning.

58 that’smags the 2005 Beijinger March 2010 Sept. www./ thatsbj.com

www.thebeijinger.com

PLA ...

PARTY LIKE AN ARTIST Inspired by Beijing

text by Jonathan White; images by Joey Guo

BARS & CLUBS

hat if some of the great artists of the past were living in the city now? Where would they go and what might their works look like?

Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec Midgets. Dancing girls. A love of absinthe and cognac. Alcoholism. Syphilis. Where’s a chap like this to go? Chocolate.

Vincent Van Gogh The Dutchman’s love for a drink is well-known but he could do with laying off the harder stuff. Wine seems to be the way – and affordable wine at that. He was a penniless artist, after all. Raise a glass at La Baie des Anges

Andy Warhol In the middle of his 15 minutes of fame, Warhol did, in fact, once visit Beijing. There were no bars to speak of at the time so it might all come as too much of a shock. He’d be best off in Bed Bar. It’s also the ideal place to film a sequel to Sleep.

To locate these drinking establishments, see our directory listings, starting on p70.

68 that’smags the 2005 Beijinger September 2009 Sept. www./ thatsbj.com

www.thebeijinger.com

PHOTOS: SIMON LIM AND COURTESY OF CHOCOLATE

M.C. Escher A quiet life suggests the love of a quiet pint and where better than the Drei Kronen 1308/Danger Doyle’s complex? They’ve European beer aplenty to suit the nomad and more adjoining staircases than anyone can comfortably render uncomfortable.

PARTY LIKE A ...

BACK-IN-THE-DAY BAR CRAWL LIVE IT UP LIKE IT’S 2001 ALL OVER AGAIN by Jonathan White

n October 2001 Beijing had nothing like the nightlife options it has now. The “better-looking twentysomethings” of the time would have told you to go to one of two areas for a night of making merry – Sanlitun North Street or Sanlitun South Street. Sanlitun North Street (or Sanlitun Bar Street

as we know it now) has not changed noticeably but South Street has gone to bar heaven; in its place stands the towers of Sanlitun Soho. However, the spirit of South Street lives on. Here’s a pub crawl to pay homage to those groundbreaking institutions of drinking. Bottoms up.

Frank’s Place (Lido) What we said then: “One of Beijing’s earliest bars, Frank’s Place has kept its ‘All-American’ image going since the late 1980s.” What we say now: That ‘All-American’ image has been amped up by its latest owner, John of Goose & Duck legend. Frank’s Place is still going strong. Drink: We stated back then that there was a good selection of beer on tap and we stand by that.

Nashville (Lucky Street) What we said then: “Nashville has been in business since the start. The music, as the name suggests, is good ole’ boy country with some pop and rock thrown in to boot.” What we say now: Those good ol’ boys have stuck to the task admirably. Nashville is one of Beijing’s hidden gems. Drink: We mentioned none of their drinks back then, but it’d be rude not to drink their whiskey.

Durty Nellie’s (Laitai Flower Market) What we said then: “The long time Sanlitun South Street staple packs in the crowds, especially on weekends.” What we say now: The crowds may have gone but they still specialize in Guinness. There’s also the interesting addition of a Japanese restaurant (see p41). Drink: Guinness (RMB 50 in 2001 and an inflation-friendly RMB 50 now).

Hidden Tree/The Tree (Sanlitun) What we said then: “Cozy and laidback, the predominately working-stiff crowd keeps going back for their unrivalled selection of gourmet beers” What we say now: The gourmet beers remain but the steaks have been replaced by one of Beijing’s best-regarded pizzas. The Tree empire has expanded to include The Tree, Nearby The Tree and By The Tree. Drink: Chimay, Duvel, and Hoegaarden were the beers we raved about. Have one per Tree outlet.

Huxley’s (Houhai) What we said then: “Huxley’s unassuming interior reflects its down-to-earth prices and studentfriendly drink prices.” What we say now: Huxley knows what people want: cheap drinks. The concept is still going strong and the interior has gotten even more unassuming. Drink: Rum and coke (RMB 10 in 2001 and still RMB 10 now). Have a couple.

Black Sun Bar (Chaoyang Park West Gate) What we said then: “Looking like a bar straight out of Austin, Texas’ 6th Street, the Black Sun Bar is a typical American ‘college bar’ with a southwestern theme.” What we say now: Now under new management (who wouldn’t know a southwestern theme if it hit them with its banjo), the bar remains a cheaper option. Drink: Rum and cokes (RMB 15 in 2001) are currently RMB 20. The RMB 5 Tsingtao days are over.

Ten Tracks from 2001 to Listen To

Rules of the Game

Ten Talking Points from 2001

For authenticity, all of these songs should be downloaded from Napster

You may use a bicycle for transport. 2 You can only use subway Lines 1 and 2. 3 Mobile phones are permitted, but no models from 2002 onwards. You can only use it for calls, showing off ringtones and playing Snake. 4 If you want to be trendy, wear trucker hats and Ugg boots.

9/11 and the War on Terror Scrubs – Season One 3 Denzel Washington’s performance in Training Day 4 The trailers for Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, Ocean’s Eleven and Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone 5 Michael Jordan’s NBA comeback 6 Jennifer Lopez topping the FHM Sexiest Women in the World list 7 The solo output of the Spice Girls after they split up 8 China’s chances in the 2002 FIFA World Cup 9 “There’s this great website called Wikipedia ...” 10 Holland leading the way in same-sex marriage

“Bootylicious” by Destiny's Child “Can’t Get You Out of My Head” by Kylie Minogue 3 “Drops of Jupiter (Tell Me)” by Train 4 “Family Affair” by Mary J.Blige 5 “Hero” by Enrique Iglesias 6 “How You Remind Me” by Nickelback 7 “Last Nite” by The Strokes 8 “Ride Wit Me” by Nelly 9 “Teenage Dirtbag” by Wheatus 10 “Whenever, Wherever” by Shakira 1 2

OCTOBER 2011

Authentic Alternative Drink Ideas Tsingtao (bottles), draft lager (Beijing/Yanjing) or Chivas and green tea

CELEBRATING TEN YEARS

1 2

PLA ...

BAR & CLUB REVIEWING PROCESS How the editors arrive at their decisions by Jonathan White

e’ll hold our hands up. One of our bar reviewers left a copy of the following guidelines in a bar. We thought we’d bite the bullet and publish them before you saw them somewhere else. Here it is in full.

BARS & CLUBS

the Beijinger Bar & Club Reviewing Guidelines AMBIANCE

FOOD

Décor/Ambiance – Has enough thought got into the decoration that it

Is there Mexican food? Mini burgers? If yes, has anyone been sick in the bar?

could be termed as décor? Is it shiny and new? Is the bar-top sticky? Is the floor sticky? Are the toilets clearly signposted? Are there cushions on the seats? Is there space to swing a cat? Too hot? Too cold? Are there nudie pictures painted by the owner on the walls? Is there a stripper pole?

Menu – Does it have a nice big print so that you can see it in the dark? If not, is there an overeager chap with a torch at the ready to help out? Do the drink names make sense? Are the prices written in pen? That’s never a good sign. Is there a chalkboard? They’re cool.

Hardware – Is your glass chipped? Is there lipstick on it? Are you sure it’s lipstick? Do the staff wear uniforms? If yes, are the uniforms clean? What the devil is that smell in the bathrooms? Have a quick look in the bathroom of the opposite sex – why not?

Venue Layout – Does the rubbish go out of the same door as the customers come in? Is that not a bit grimy? Is there a non-smoking section? Should people who are intolerant of Beijing’s right to smoke be in bars? Is there hot water in the bathroom? Soap?

DRINK Presentation – Do they pour a pint properly, right up to the line? Are the bottles covered in dust? Is that not a big risk of Weil’s disease? Do they have the massive bottles of Tsingtao? Is your beer poured into a glass? Do they have different types of ice?

Temperature – Is the beer cold? They wouldn’t stand for that in England, would they?

Flavor – Is the overpowering flavor alcohol? That’s not a good look. Does the milk in the White Russian taste off? Is the mint in the mojito too leafy? Are you picking it out from your teeth?

Mixing Methods – Are the staff trained in making cocktails? Do they

SERVICE Friendliness – Do they look you in the eye or do they stare at the floor? Do you feel less pressure in the Stepford reality of 7-11?

Attentiveness – Any chance of getting served or are you too busy talking to your mates there, pal? Do the servers hang around a little too much? Do you feel less pressure in the Stepford reality of 7-11? Is it somewhere in between? Are those empty glasses going anywhere? What about cleaning that ashtray? Will they bring Tabasco over if you are with a rugby team?

Customer Service – Is anyone cutting their nails on the bar? Will someone top the head up on your stout? Does someone know how to work the coffee machine? Does anyone know how to change the satellite channels? Can someone get the missing balls from the pool table? Do they make you drink up when they want to leave? Can you run a tab? Do they make you pay up at the end? (Also, if applicable, do the bouncers scare you? Do they look like they want to hit everybody?)

Knowledge – Are your questions answered? If you came in here with your mother and she asked for something “long and hard” would they help or would they make inappropriate comments?

GENERAL

shake it like Tom Cruise in Cocktail?

Compare – Is it better value than certain 24-hour bars

Freshness of Ingredients – Do they make whatever they can or buy it all from Jingkelong? Is the ice made from drinking water?

with disreputable character? Is it better than the bar next door?

Value for Money – Would you pay that price for a drink in your native

Groups – Is it a good place for group shenanigans? Is it full

Wine List – Did the guy at the bar believe that you knew anything about wine? Is there a cheeky rosé at a reasonable price?

of those crazy British sports guys? Awesome. Will there be a fight? Is it in Wudaokou? There’ll be a fight.

Water – Do they offer free drinking water? Is it free? Animals – Are dogs welcome?

WHATEVER YOU DO, REMAIN ANONYMOUS. 58 that’smags the 2005 Beijinger February 2010 Sept. www./ thatsbj.com

www.thebeijinger.com

PHOTO: SONG YANG

country? Are you happy paying that price in Beijing? Is it dirt-cheap, reasonable, a bit pricey or are they taking the piss? What can that money get you elsewhere? Shouldn’t you go there?

PARTY LIKE A ...

BAR ROOM OLYMPIANS BEIJING’S RECORD-BREAKING BARMEN? by Jonathan White

n keeping with this month’s theme of world records, we thought we’d lay down a challenge to the city’s innkeepers. We know that they can sell drinks, but can they drink them? More importantly, what do they do with all that time when there are no customers? We suspect that they’ve been practicing the nonsensical tricks most likely to become the marquee events at the Bar Olympics. Let’s find out.

THE CONTENDERS Clinton Krikken (The Bookworm) Ar Jian (Second Floor) Jack Zhou (First Floor) Tom Cattanach (The Black Sun) Team Beijinger

Clinton: 4.5 secs Ar Jian: 5.4 secs Jack: 3.0 secs Tom: 1.8 secs Team Beijinger: 5.0 secs

CHALLENGE #1: Downing a pint of stout The current Guinness World Record is 2.1 seconds, set by Peter Dowdeswell at Millwall Football Club, London, UK on April 24, 2001.

CHALLENGE #3: Most beer mats flipped and caught in one minute The current Guinness World Record is 70, achieved by David Cowling-Cass (UK) at the World Trade Centre, Barcelona, Spain, on May 14, 2010.

CHALLENGE #5: Most pint glasses balanced on head The current Guinness World Record is 235 glasses for 13 seconds, set by John Evans on September 7, 2002 at the Guinness festival in Dessau, Germany.

Clinton: 28 Ar Jian: 35 Jack: 32 Tom: 34 Team Beijinger: 20

Clinton: refused to use glasses Ar Jian: refused to use glasses Jack: refused to use glasses Tom: refused to use glasses Team Beijinger: 1

WINNER: Ar Jian

WINNER: Team Beijinger

CHALLENGE #4: Most beer mats flipped and caught (in one go) The current Guinness World Record is 112, set by Mat Hand on May 9, 2001 at Waterstone’s Bookshop Gallery, Nottingham, UK.

CONCLUSION While drinking is neither big nor clever, it is undeniably hilarious. With the fun we had and bartenders being ultra-competitive, we’ll be doing this again. Look out, barmen.

Clinton: 26.0 secs Ar Jian: 13.9 secs Jack: 8.4 secs Tom: 15.3 secs Team Beijinger: 8.6 secs WINNER: Jack Zhou CHALLENGE #2: Downing a pint of lager There is no current Guinness World Record for a pint of lager. However, Steven Petrosino’s 1977 record for guzzling a liter of lager in 1.3 seconds remains unbroken. A quarter of a century later, Petrosino was filmed downing 12 ounces of lager in 0.18 seconds on December 18, 2003 at the Old Bag of Nails Pub in Columbus, Ohio.

NOVEMBER 2011

Ar Jian: 40 Jack: 40 Tom: 20 Team Beijinger: 40 WINNER: Clinton Krikken

WINNER: Tom Cattanach

Clinton: 46

We do not recommend trying this at home.

PARTY LIKE A ...

BEIJING BAR WORLD TOUR

AN IN-NO-WAY COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE TO THE CITY’S FOREIGN-THEMED PUBS by Jonathan White & Iain Shaw

A Taste of …

Can you buy a drink from a native?

Can you have a drink with a native?

Appropriate decor (and drinks)?

Authenticity

La Fite British Exotic Bar

No chance whatsoever, old bean

No – the Brits are what is exotic in these parts

Like an officer’s bar in an Empire outpost

As real as Austin Powers: The TV Series

Molly Malone’s

They may have the right accent

Depends on the economy this week

A fair imitation of a Dublin pub

Like a real Irish bar ... in any airport

Tim’s Texas Bar-B-Q

Occasionally, y’all might could

They’ll make sure of it

You’ll have stars and stripes coming out of your eyeballs

As American as “American Pie” in a barn

Cafe de la Poste

Yes, and get a free Poire William

The minute you step in the door

Very, but not the bathrooms

Around France via Interrail in the late ‘80s

12SQM

Sure can, mate

Summer? Yes. Winter? No way

Yes, Australia’s famous for its hutongs

Crocodile Dundee – Australian out of water

Durty Nellie’s

Pretty unlikely

If you can, they’ll have been there a long time

“Authentic” in the worst sense of the word

Durty liars, more like

Migas

Say the words “el” and “Bulli” and they’ll come running

No choice. You’ll be shoulder-to-shoulder

Those big egg booths must be all the rage in Madrid

This is the new Spain that wins at football

Salud

Mais oui

Depends how good your French is

Feasibly, but there’s not a baguette in sight

A drunken wander off a French campsite

Drei Kronen 1308

Native costume, at least

There might be one on the third floor, by the fire

A coat of armor says it all

Like going to Oktoberfest in May

The Irish Volunteer

Off a passport-holder, certainly

Plenty will volunteer their services

Are we in Boston in a Ben Affleck movie?

An authentic Irish Bar experience

2 Kolegas

Yeah, but says his name isn’t Jorge, but “Hao Gei”

Depends on the band, but more than likely

Too dark to say

This Spain cheated at the Paralympics

Paddy O’Shea’s

Sure, but that depends how you regard those from the pale

Like Dublin – locals, tourists and stag parties alike

What you’d expect – GAA shirts, proverbs, Celtic gear

As real as Colin Farrell’s accent when he’s in an Irish film

Las Vegas Club

Don’t be silly

If they’ve stumbled in off the street like you

Modern Hollywood’s portrayal of Vegas

Vegas shot cheaper in Eastern Europe

Saddle Cantina

If they are let out of the kitchen

Get the passports out just to be sure

When the sun is shining, you’d happily believe it

Lalalalalala La Bamba

Czech Pub

50-50. After five of their beers, you won’t care

Just the one?

There’s wood and beer. It could be the start of Hostel

The fun of Prague minus the defenestration

Luga’s Villa

No way, Jose

More slim to none than Carlos Slim

Luga’s idea of Mexico

Mexican like Monterey Jack (but from the Rescue Rangers)

SEPTEMBER 2011

ILLUSTRATION: JOEY GUO

Bar

PARTY LIKE A ...

BESPOKE BEVERAGES THE FLASHEST WAYS TO DRINK by Jonathan White

ou may have noticed that certain restaurants around town have their own branded wine – Flamme, Café de la Poste and Alio Olio are three such examples where the house vino is identifiably of the house. If you’ve seen this, you’ve probably thought “What do I need to do to get my face on a bottle?” If so, there’s good news and better news: One, you’re vain, and two, here’s how to feed your vanity.

WINE REPUBLIC The Wine Republic offer a personalized labeling service that’s open to the average punter, but the volumes required mean that you’d have to be a serious drinker to take them up on it. They tell us, “Most wineries can reel off 400-500 bottles in an hour so they won’t get out of bed for much less than that.” However, if you’re willing to buy around 200 cases or more, then Wine Republic can offer vintages from around RMB 75 per bottle. You can pick from any of their stock. Once you’ve designed your label, they’ll send it to the winery where your chosen vintage will be labeled and then imported. Storage is an issue – you don’t want thousands of bottles strewn around your house (or maybe you do?) but Wine Republic offers a number of handy solutions. If you are buying at the top end of the wine spectrum, then the minimum quantity will come down; obviously you’ll be paying much more per bottle.

VINEYARD WINE EXPERIENCE This is the most hands-on you can get without getting grapes between your toes and cork under your fingernails. At their Jianwai Soho HQ, they will guide you through the process of making your own wine from scratch. You can visit at several points in the process. Depending on which grape varietal you

choose, your beverage will be ready for consumption in three to eight weeks. A minimum order of 15 bottles – and subsequent orders in multiples of 15 – is required. Prices start at RMB 188 per bottle. Call one or two days in advance to get started.

VEDETT Belgium is not known for its wineries. With good reason. Once monks learned how to make beer, why would they bother with wine? Vedett is from the same brewers as Duvel and they couldn’t be more eager to have your face on their bottles. Visit Vedettchina. com and you’ll be presented with the opportunity to upload your photograph to create your personalized beer. A crate of 24 33cl bottles costs RMB 350 per crate if you live in Shanghai, but why are you reading this magazine if you live in Shanghai? Here in Beijing, with the delivery fee, it’ll set you back RMB 450. That’s RMB 18.75 per bespoke beer. In seven to ten days you can be supping from a bottle plastered with your mug. Orders of five crates get six glasses free; orders of ten crates get a few other free gifts as well. What’s more, Vedett is currently running a competition where the prize is getting your headshot on thousands of bottles of beer in China. Again, see their website for details. The likely sour aftertaste of this story is that if you do see your face adorning a bottle in a bar, it is unlikely that the proprietors will let you have it for free. NB. Other wine companies in Beijing offer bespoke labeling services but were unavailable for comment. For venue details, see directory listings.

ILLUSTRATION: JOEY GUO

MAY 2011

Party like a ...

Blueprint for Success How to build a bar by Jonathan White

ilm and television would have you believe that anyone can start a bar and be a success. But they’ve been lying to us. It’s not the lies that disappoint us – it’s the getting our hopes up. Who doesn’t dream of owning a bar? Well, with this handy guide, you will be well on your way to that exciting first day … of soft opening.

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se a c t m o re a ca in f s Is it m o re, a’s ha K a n e e s n i h e . S r n z ’ O O iti tark ’re i d d y t h a n C super s yo u a r s a e P k li fb r es rc k . o is fe e l ts o f r a m El Nid per Sta yo u a i r s ( l o G l e n ) o e l e u i s k h G ma st ch w ke is ju TINstools toallad (2Fv),e them li Lan A E b d a S ’ll fin mid- all h g not You and ar). thin oy b m , b u t ( B e d B b a e p l a n a when S l h o h t a t t R s t e r re U n( h av at i n g a BAsRe are mno to lean ong) or clipre HODen, nevlee others,d se S o n S i e i a an ite Th barm wh t ca Th e INE e cle . G r e a s i z e , a i k e o m e r s, u c h l i m i n a S b l r s , o d U f e s l B e b a r i r c u s t a v e s r ights m its f hind hou MSh e n i t cocases he s a i l s b e e n w i t h r t i o n o . S o m n g t h e e a p , h itation O o n k p e p w O a i L is t ro eu R l i m i t . I n s o m c tually his ser v G r e a t ke v t t be he p l tak e a t ’s li ATkH m u s e a n d t h it wil c k s o u ’s t h st room y don’t e away B l i k e s that i n. y u l c p i s e e a b e r h l o h o te w sh ’ll T h e e s m a l s i n ce t hou ng pris s. yo u sesh bar co l a the n ’s h o r tegorie o t h l i te ra l – o m a n d n e . C h o l e n t ( i f t h u to ? a o i c o in o u ’s r r . n t p e e s h a o U re th b a t a rc h f u l a r l y o e r s i o n co m er ll th ea in a who tled be y h av d e to s e r par tic e - s ex ) v e l t l p l o i l e peo db loca outs eta off ly sing S r ve to theth impor ttehem withlow their d Z inting n K a r PS te I N se wi ,b w ppo TOgot one uoch disa DRat do youight themNido), wot at Terrai)) or educoau’ll F O , El w Boa Wh an del k ih sadly, y RO’ve eithehr ere’s noosf t o p, hru c (Mo lo u T o You Drive -T beer (S cktails a), but, Draf t. Y n’t. d ro mo r t T u do s a b a r. Koko t o r o ( Th e e d c r a f a s s i c c o ( I c h i k u B e i j i n g o y N e a I e e s l h r d g r w t c s i T n O P by Th e h p a y b re ith oa key t h i n a d we a d t h e E d w h whis Tsingta e b c r n r C t i . u ; a e s I d t m ju o v - ro u n wi o re PRces like Ne p re t t y mTs i n g t a oill e c them s sell m h a v i t ye a r r e w i a s l , e y P u y a e h r Ho ca k t alw ed mak R e d t o d r i n p o t h e hole r s N eaten A w O u u o a e I i o k c b y li rly deli er nea e r s, CAT t h e e r b e o t h e yo u y f o r a h e s o f f L O f a r o f f o u’ l l n e v a w a y. c g e r a n a o r h o s y o p c er d se To of m h ap den k an stom b i l l a i l. B o t m e r s. t r a c n g c u ou’d be rhood a o t i t E k n s i a y coc to c u erm t u r n again, eighbo n s e l y l, e RAaC n R d B e e t l e ve n e a e n valu , d E h e g T e s o y n T ritiv at str i r a n d o i d j o a g h to c ’ s a l r e S h u a n S a n Ap e t h e i r s i d - a r and r t i nm p We’d like to warn anyone who’d been hoping to use this as their t h a l a t e d . g r e a t e u t fo r kee i e’s i s i h mid-a den o j d id t pu n g h n o o a a l n b p l i business plan that there is no real blueprint for success. All we l N s i e l i y a w ’s c n ty ar S h u a re a l l can say with certainty is that those who have succeeded time Fub e a pret ve. n a d u lit insi r h e ro c a r s. and again have worked out that it’s about the customers. If the b e e mor sup customer comes first, then they’ll keep coming back.

May 2012

Cast your vote in our Reader Bar & Club Awards to reward the good folks who work hard so that you can forget that you do too.

PLA ...

PARTY LIKE A BRUNCHI ST

The food-free

recipe for losin

g an afternoo

n somewhere

by Jonathan W

hite

between brea

kfast and lun

Champagne Fool

Ingr edie nt

Serv es 2-

4. By now t he conve rs shou ld be fl S o u rc e co tt ow ing as free at io n o n ca n d y. C ly as the champag ne. o n su m e rapid ly at fi rs Fold in anot he t. Qu ick ly re r glass of champag ne, al ize why you never ea for consisten t cotton ca ndy cy. Ch il l. . 5. D ri zz le in 10. W h ile de wh it e w ine ss er as you r par ty beg ins add refresh in t is bei ng scoffed, to pick th ro g cockta ils to u gh the smorg asbord clea p alate. Gin & of seafood. ton ics or cosm nse ta ns are st an opol i6. Cont inue dard, but the deca nt ing ch select ion ca n be altere ampag ne in to st o m ac d accord in g h. to taste. A second hel conversation R o u gh ly cu t in to pin g is not , demand ing fr up ow ned to k now on . W h ip co why fleas are a gu pea ks at a vo nversat ion u nti l it at a flea ci rcus aranteed presence lu me and baw but not neces u nsu itable fo d iness sa ri ly at a flea market. r a venue w it h so many bal loons in it Inst ruc . t ions 7. L oosen yo 1. Tak e th e u r belt to m 11 m ar in at ed h at . lo ch B os as th en te e ess of lips w it h fi n al la an gove r w h en it is sh in gs of ch amp ag ne. ab void w it h a b at the table. Fil l that T he bru nch an d intr o du o u t b lo o d -w a r m ee r. O n th e is done ce it to the w su h bj en fleas, nobody ect of its par ticipan fi ve -s ta r hotel. Greet w il l k now. A ts are in equ fellow br u nc p ar gr ts th ee al ro ei that rs is not a real wdy and ligh h ists. Sl ice th rou gh you tly glazed ov ci rcus. r collective Y ou er ca . n also test don il l fe and muttered 8. Pou r in on eness by the polite insist pleasant ries by el ing e or two shot ence of the s of vodka to down the fi rs in lieu of the wai that you’ve t glass of cham ssing caviar that ev al ready been t st af f pag ne. er el yb se o dy is pretend ing to asked to le 2. For good av e o nce, si r. W h enjoy eati ng. measu re, add St ar t sett ing ere d id al l th ti anot her flute of cham m th e e go e w ? o rld to rights. Moreover, w pag here to get another d ri n off. T h is shou ne. Savor u nt il seen 9 . T o p k? T he quest u p ch a m p a ld g n e. D o w n io remai n u nde of the hango aid the evaporat ion champag ne. r heated d iscu n w il l ver. Repeat. At th ss th ion on e is st th ag st e age, ger to the fo flo orshow – 3. Resist the yer. clow n s, d an u rge to eat by o r ce m rs u si ci an s – sh 12 . Bri ng off st ir in one Bloody o u ld b eg in the boil. L et M ar y, slowly ri ng captivate yo to st and, if st . If th is is u navai labl il l possible. G u r p ar ty . A e, then it is ac t arn ish w it h a th e of si ght ch ild ren hold a visit to ka ra nap, or cept able to sub st it ut in g co tton ca ndy, oke. e re you may opt perfect ly acce d w ine. It is al so to make a la For a full list st-m inute pt able to do add it ion to th uble the of helping. e list of ingr Events on p39. br unches, see Dining ed ients.

The brunch is done when its participants are in equal parts rowdy and lightly glazed over

www.thebeijinger.com

April 2009 / the Beijinger www. thatsbj.com Sept. 2005 65 that’smags

BARS & CLUBS

1 Su nday 1 ﬁve-sta r ho tel (I ntercont inenta l, St . Reg is, W esti Westi n Finan n Ch aoya n g or Hangovers, 1 cial St reet) per p stew over n ig erson (a llow to ht) Champag ne, bot tom less 1 Bloody M ar y (or more) Wines, red an d wh ite Beers, ch il le d Vod ka shots Cot ton ca ndy Cockta ils

aoyang n Nanlu, Ch d Touch ng, 1 Xinyua 店2层 ya an e ao st Ch Ta 酒 ng Beiji us at 斯汀大 Bubbalicio 0am-3pm. 2/F, Westin阳区新源南路1号朝阳威 .3 Sunday 11 2 8888 ext 8102) 朝 92 aoyang District (5 ai Dajie, Ch ch nguomenw un Jia Br e 21 l, gn te ampa s Ho 饭店 Elegant Ch 0am-3pm. St. Regi 外大街21号国际俱乐部 .3 Sunday 11 0 6688) 朝阳区建国门 , 46 Jinrong Jie District (6 Street, 9B d Prego tin Beijing Financial 威斯汀大酒店1层 an es ns Wes at Se 金融街 InspiRED 0am-3pm. 1/F, The 区金融大街乙9号北京 .3 城 Sunday 11 trict (6629 7810) 西 is , Xicheng Xicheng D Jinrong Jie Hotel, 11 l ta en tin ch 5层店 rCon Brun . 5/F, Inte 西城区金融街11号洲际酒 Monsoon .30am-3pm 7) Sunday 11 2 5888 ext 5916/1 85 District (5

Party like a ... The Beerjinger

Classifieds

by Jonathan White

MISSED CONNECTIONS You were the blonde who came into The Den with friends. You wanted to drink water while your friends ate pizza. I was the businessman who offered to buy you a drink. You were asked to leave before I got an answer. I’d love to take you out. It was a few years ago but I hope you remember. I figure this is worth a shot. I heard rumors that you were still in town but I’ve looked hopefully every time I have gone out. We spent a few great nights together before the Olympics. I was often loud and drunk. You were 5 kuai beer. You were the boy in the teal cardigan. We were chatting in George’s and we agreed to continue our conversation later in Few bar (?) round the corner. My friend saw you go into Stadium Dog and I headed in. I never saw you again. Where did you go? Hello. Ni hao. You meiguoren. America. I am China. Cheers. Beer. We cheers. Cute girl in tortoiseshell glasses. I saw you across the room at trivia night. I was the dude with the sideburns who tried to get your attention by shouting funny answers to questions. I had to leave after the British guy made me look like a douchebag. I don’t know if you still go there but I haven’t gone back. Maybe we can meet up at Kro’s Quiz? You were holding a monkey. I asked you for leather and 34 February 2012is not you said no, the banana mine

Remember me? Massagey. I think you remember. Late one night on Gongti Xilu. I went into Bellagio to eat. You were a boyish girl with short hair. You seemed busy. Call me. U had a big face. We were both drunk. There was shouting. We fell out. I swung a fist. I think I missed. I was quite pissed. R friends broke us 2 up. Love 2 shake hands and make up over a beer. I was in Sanlitun. I tried to give you what you needed. You walked on by. Call me, bro. You: The cutie walking her dog past Aperitivo. Me: The handsome man in the sunglasses and open-neck shirt on the terrace. I shouted sweet nothings at you but you ignored me. I am assuming you were deaf but can read.

WANTED iPhone 4S. Top price paid. Don’t want to wait. Will pay more if it has Kazaa. Will consider swapping for membership to Beijing’s most-notorious pub quizzers. Contact thestepdads@gmail.com. Mayors for nightlife establishments. Impress tens of people. No workload. No obvious benefit either. Contact foursquare. Brand-new flavor of the month for frequent use for foreseeable future . Will swap for fixed-gear bike, Spark club membership or Migas VIP wristband.

DJs. Minimum requirement is iPod. Playlists a bonus. No experience necessary. Competitive rates. Contact 1F or Black Sun Bar. Fuwuyuan. Why is there never one when I need one? New tattooist for local bar looking to keep up with crazy neighborhood competitors. Come and see us at Grinders. Whatever you do, don’t go into The Brick and ask for Lee. Sports jerseys for roof. We can still see some of it and we’re worried we’ll get covered in curry if it comes down. Free pint for each deposited. Contact Paddy O’Shea’s. Ideas for outrageous fancy dress ideas for the next Yen party. Contact Rich at Lush.

LOST Memory. Any ideas? Need it back for writing best man’s speech for brother’s wedding. Top price paid if returned. Dignity. Last seen around 3am on a Saturday outside 1F. Think it may have been stolen by a European. Any information call 153 0102 346. Various nokia phones in cabs over the last five years. No monetary value. I’d love the sim cards to get the numbers. It’s costing me a fortune in Missed Connection ads. Memory. Any ideas? Need it back for writing best man’s speech for brother’s wedding. Top price paid if returned.

Feigned interest for large-scale sporting events. Last spotted in a crowd earlier last winter. Hoping to find it in early February. Definitely needed for a big event this summer.

FOUND Taxi in Sanlitun. Result! Get in! Take that, walking! Nicest bar man in Beijing. Contact Andy at Union. Hundreds of lenses for spectacles. Not all in pairs. All types available. Found in dumpster in alleyway off Nanluogu Xiang. Would suit optician. Found. Beer belly. Would very much like to lose.

POSITIONS OFFERED Internship with famous blogger. Must pay for own drinks. Send CV and list of favorite offmenu drinks to Beijing Boyce.

EDUCATION Mixology courses. Muddle your friends’ minds and impress them with your creative cocktails and flair bartending. Jobs guaranteed or your money back. Send RMB 100 for first lesson to PO Box 141, Sanlitun.

WANT TO SAVE ¥s? WANT TO LOOK GOOD? GIVE UP DRINKING TODAY

PARTY LIKE A ...

CONFESSIONS OF A MICROPHONE

OPEN MIC NIGHTS FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF THOSE WHO KNOW by Jonathan White

ack out of the closet for another night of fun. I wonder who will be holding me tonight? I only hope that someone knows how to set me up and get comfortable – I’ve had enough of these amateurs messing with my levels and making me look bad. The worst kind of feedback is definitely feedback. I mean, anyone can take constructive criticism, but sounding bad’s a whole other world. 8.09pm “Testing 1-2, Testing, Testing 1-2.” And then ... yep, some pre-rehearsed banter. The same weak banter as every other week. I guess I should know what to expect by now. What’s the use of getting upset? But still hope springs eternal. 8.32pm Why is the first turn always the same guy with his same song? He’s a one-trick pony and there’s only so much I can help out on his Bob Dylan cover. I’m not Auto-Tune, am I? No, I’m not. You’d think my internal soliloquies would be better with all the time I have to think sitting amongst the dust and the free Carlsberg merchandise for days on end. Even Michael Jackson had to clear his throat. 9.17pm Now this is pretty good. I’m feeling this. This girl can sing, she’s got a lovely timbre to her voice. Strange choice of number, though. (“Father and Son”?) And that guitarist could be better but this is all right by me. I love it when someone new

JULY 2011

comes in and belts out a tune. It makes me feel like Simon Cowell. Who knows, this could be the start of something. I could be telling my grandkids about this one day. Times like this I really wish there was another microphone to hang around with. I’d even take one of those wacky modern headsets that seem all the rage. It’s weird enough that I spend most of the night snuggled up to this mic stand, seeing as I don’t see him for a week at a time. At least he gets to hang around with the amps all week. Life was better when I was at the KTV. The singing wasn’t much good but at least I had a friend. 10.05pm “No, I won’t be afraid, Noooo ...” What the devil is this? Get off the stage already. Phew, that was a relief. Such clammy hands too. That made me feel a little bit queasy. 10.20pm I have never willingly touched a drop of alcohol in my life. I have, however, been subject to various accidents involving the dreaded drink and saliva and, worst of all, being swung around like a pirate’s cat. It’s disorienting. These three things happening in quick succession is my worst nightmare and oh, now it’s happening again. Drunkards. Blackguards to a man and worst of all, they can never sing. They sound like football hooligans. 10.44pm Why do people get so nervous when they finally get to hold me? I won’t bite. I can’t.

Unlike these pseudo-rappers. This is some topclass biting but what do you expect with a cover version? Alicia Keys would be turning in her grave – and as for Jay-Z ... Another thing, why do these hip-hop types always hold me upside down. How would they like it if someone did it to them? 10.45pm Oh, this is a pleasure. I don’t want this to stop. More of these classics. Don’t stop believin’ indeed. And what gusto. What a difference when someone who can command money for a gig is willing to have a dabble with little old me. 11.16pm I wish I could turn myself off and put a stop to this. You are too bloody loud, you are not funny and you are not in Tenacious D. I, for one, am happy to speak on behalf of everyone else on stage and in the audience: We find your “hilarious” ditties somewhere between grating and taxing. Put a sock in it. No, really. 11.35pm Oh, it must be that time of night again already. Time doesn’t half fly. I can set my clock to this boy. Hey-bloody-Jude. Every week. Every stinking week. It never gets any better. At least they try, though, bless them. It doesn’t make it any easier but at least they want to sing. Still, I pray they get me back into that cupboard before the real loons decide to get on stage and start their messing. I’d rather be alone in that cupboard than that.

PLA ...

PARTY LIKE A DRINKING GAME Win, booze or draw

BARS & CLUBS

by Jonathan White

rinking games are officially rubbish. Fact. You shouldn’t need an excuse to drink and it’s never made any better by someone organizing your fun. They are rubbish like the popularity of wacky T-shirts and posters that say things like “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor” or “Beer – helping ugly people have sex since 1862.” See? Intolerable rubbish. However, the study of rubbish is legitimate anthropology, and, as “garbage artists” Pascal Rostain and Bruno Mouron demonstrated, can be highly profitable. I’m no anthropologist but have been called Mouron-ic more than once … Time to get up to my waist in rubbish. It turns out anything can be the basis of a drinking game, as they test many different skills: physical coordination, mental concentration, sense of discretion, spotting clichés in TV/movies, sheer luck, and drinking every time there is a throw-in in a football match. Through these means, your friends intend to get you drunk and strip you of your dignity, if not your clothes. Here are some examples. “Taps”

“I Never”

Category: Physical coordination

Category: Secrets

Rules: Everybody sits around a table, resting their right hands upon

Rules: Someone says a true statement that begins with the words “I

it. The ﬁrst person taps on the table and states a direction of play

never.” Anyone who has actually done the statement in question takes

(e.g. clockwise). You tap when it is your turn. One tap continues the

a drink. No further questions are asked of the drinkers.

game in the same direction; two taps changes the direction; three

Commentary: This usually starts off fairly lighthearted and innocent,

changes it twice, making it the same as it was. If you mess up (and you

along the lines “I never owned a cat.” It soon descends into a bawdy

deﬁnitely will), you drink. Probably from a horrible communal glass with

mess, revealing secrets that would make a submariner blush. Samples

a questionable mix of drinks in it.

include: “I never ______ a _____,” “I never had a ____ in the ofﬁce” and “I never wanna give you up.” OK, the last one is a Rick Astley song.

“Drink While You Think” Category: Mental concentration Rules: One player starts off by naming a famous person; the next player must name another famous person whose name starts with the ﬁrst letter of the previous celebrity’s surname. If it’s the same letter (e.g. Marilyn Monroe), the direction of play changes. When it is your turn, you have to drink while you think. If you lose, you then drink from the communal glass in the middle of the table. Commentary: A favorite among the drinking game fraternity. No

At some point everyone tries to dodge the drinking ... Cue punishment drinking “Meta Drinking Game”

matter how many times you play this, you’ll still get stuck – and at some

Category: Meta

point everyone tries to dodge the drinking part while they concentrate

Rules: Before you head out to a bar with your friends, everybody has

on thinking. Cue punishment drinking.

to pick a type of drinking game. If you see anyone playing your game in the bar, then you drink. If you see a game not picked by anyone,

“Dice Game”

then you all drink. If no games are being played, then drink normally

Category: Games of chance

– you’re in a bar.

Rules: Each player rolls ﬁve dice; you only see your own dice. Then you

Commentary: There may be no winners in drinking games, but if

guess how many of a particular number there are among all the dice,

you go to a bar packed with college kids – ideally on beer pong night

e.g. four 5s. Guesses continue until you call someone out for lying.

– then you can’t lose.

Loser drinks. Commentary: This is a great way to see what people really think of you. It turns out that nobody you know actually trusts you. This is good up exposed, disappointed and also very, very drunk.

72 that’smags the 2005 Beijinger August 2009 Sept. www./ thatsbj.com

www.thebeijinger.com

PHOTO: JUDY ZHOU

if you are honest and you win; if you are untrustworthy, you will end

PARTY LIKE A ... That’s it, love, finish your drink and then we’ll go back to my place.

DRINKING IS GOOD FOR YOU SCIENCE SAYS SO … by Jonathan White

votre santé! Slainte! Iechyd da! Na Zdrowie! Egészségedre! Most traditional toasts can literally be translated as “To your health!” Should we take that to mean that the answer to your health concerns is to be found at the bottom of a bottle? Apparently so. Research has found that alcohol in moderation can help prevent against strokes, arthritis and various types of cancers. Here are some more reasons to drink and some non-scientific suggestions about where to do so. SAVE YOUR HEART The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) reported that moderate drinking is beneficial to heart health – it can result in a 20-40 percent decrease in risk of coronary heart disease as compared to non-drinkers. Try Atmosphere or d lounge DRINK WINE Researchers at the University of Texas at Austin found that moderate drinkers (people who imbibe no more than two drinks per day) of wine were more likely to live longer than both binge drinkers and those who abstain completely. Try Cheese & Wine or Palette Vino

JANUARY 2011

AFTER-WORK DRINKS WITH PALS Research by the Harvard School of Public Health found that those with an active social life experienced less than half the memory loss of the lonely as they got older. That’s not license to drink yourself stupid, but you now have empirically based reasons to stop by the bar for happy hour on the way home. Try The Stumble Inn or The Den GET THE COCKTAILS IN The US Dental Association has found that the natural goodness of berries is increased when they are soaked in booze. Steeping the fruit in rum or vodka supercharges their antioxidant levels. To reap the berry benefits, find a bar that infuses their own spirits. Try Apothecary or Touch IT PAYS TO GET THE BOSS ONE A study at Stirling University has concluded that moderate drinkers earn 17 percent more on average than their teetotal colleagues. Drinkers also boost their chances of promotion by using the social lubricant to cozy up to the boss. Try Centro or Aperitivo

BE THE DUDE Feeling stressed? Alcohol may be the best-known of all depressants and not to be put into the hands of those who drink away their worries, but there is a drink that has been proven to be relaxing: Bailey’s Irish Cream. The whiskey does the alcohol bit handsomely but the magnesium in the cream also relaxes muscles and calms the heartbeat. For the more macho, a White Russian made with real cream will do the trick. Try Blue Frog or Union Bar & Grille HAVE A REAL PINT Drinking real ale (hint: if it says Yanjing on it, keep looking) confers health benefits that other alcohols do not. For a start, ale has zero fat and zero cholesterol, plus it is full of vitamins and minerals. It includes protein – wine contains none – and the soluble fibers act the same as those in your breakfast cereal. If you’re drinking a darker ale, smile – the malt has been known to aid the fight against tooth decay. Try Great Leap Brewing or Beer Mania Remember that the only thing worse than not drinking at all is drinking too much. Keep an eye out for fake alcohol and look after yourself.

Party like a ...

DRUNKEN MATHSTER Foods to get tipsy on by Jonathan White

hat’s more fun than maths? Arguing over whether it should have an “s” on the end of it? Not on your nelly. Well, drinking is more fun. As is eating. Now imagine you could live in a world where some manner of genius could add drink to food. Here are nine of the best dishes that Beijing chefs have cooked up that are heavy on the liquor.

(river shrimp x Shaoxing rice wine) > river shrimp

2. crab ñ dignity =

drunken crab

3. (duck eggs + rice wine + salt) x 120 days = pickled eggs

Korean herb-infused fermented rice + wine + ladyfingers + mascarpone + Korean dates + cocoa powder Ssam Tiramisu

5. + + +

boiled chicken liquor ginger heat drunken chicken

baijiu + honey + Coca-Cola + garlic + pepper chicken wings flames

(Tiramisu ñ rum) + Chinese characteristics Wuliangye Tiramisu

= alcohol-fragrant chicken wings

Tomato + pasta + Go3 Vodka Tomato pasta

9. pastry + (branded stout + meat) Guinness π

Where to get drunk on food: 1. Drunken Shrimp, Fuchunjiang Restaurant 2. Drunken Crab, Kongyiji 3. Pickled Eggs, Daoxiangcun 4. Ssam Tiramisu, Ssam 5. Drunken Chicken, Jade Garden 6. Alcohol-fragrant Chicken Wings, Fengliuchi 7. Wuliangye Tiramisu, Kerry’s Kitchen 8. Vodka Tomato Pasta, Gung Ho! Pizza 9. Guinness Pie, Paddy O’Shea’s For venue information, see TheBeijinger.com

Hat tips to Iain Shaw and Beijing Boyce

April 2012

PARTY LIKE A ...

FE ASIBILITY STUDY Have you got what it takes to open a bar in Beijing? by Jonathan White

Are you from Japan?

EED. C C U

S That’ll work. y Countr music?

Do you like dance music?

h? ou Iris p Are y you end u e id db How d You shoul . r ? a here ening a b op

S T O P.

ox. lingb y S a d Get ve Bloo ine. Ser nd pout sa Mary

Do you know any DJs ?

Do you know anyone wit? h an iPod

Everyone loves the ‘80s.

They were RAD.

GOOD LUCK.

That’ll do.

Can you afford the rent?

You’ve already won. Enjoy your wine bar.

BOYS?

Do you want to meet girls?

Have you got a business partner?

SO YOU WANT TO OPEN A BAR?

Hmmm. You better find something unique ...

Have you got guanxi?

GAME OVER.

Do you mind selling fake booze?

STOP NOW.

Is she Chinese?

Have you really, though?

Enjoy bar street.

Make some CA$H.

Is it somebody else’s wife?

is it your wife?

Shuangjing? Open anything. Right now.

Students?

Have you made a lot of money from I.T.?

Have you found a nice hutong?

Do you live there?

Open a cafe with free Wi-Fi.

You are but disco baall fro succesms.

Open a ten-kuai rum joint and poison the youth.

or you’ll end up in a 3rd-tier city.

ILLUSTRATION: JOEY GUO

MARCH 2011

Have a ladies night. Play reggaeton.

Find another flowchart.

Why bother ?

Can you mix a real cocktail?

Have you made a lot of money from oil?

Leave . Beijing. Now

WINNER. 38

m Are you fro ? ca ri e m A h Nort

tball he foo Get t gby on. and ru ila for equ And t rts fans. spo e colleg

No one to wants our y o t go ore, bookst y gu .

‘80s tunes ?

Chargetht.he ear s. e S t rule

u Do yo like s? sport

Do you like dance music?

Do you l k li e actua real-life human beings?

FAIL.

u Do yo like s? sport

Buy a recipe book. Practice. Open in 5 years.

PLA ...

PARTY LIKE A FREEGAN Begging, borrowing and stealing booze in Beijing by Jonathan White

research n. The scholarly study of listings magazines to identify venues with free alcohol. The good people at the Kro’s Nest and Nearby the Tree just happen to give away beer. Even better, the two are but a short carbon-footprint-shattering cycle or walk apart. Going green gets a welcome boost and, as it happens, free lager is ace. Buoyed by victory over The Man, and drunk on his free beer, I decide it’s time to ﬁnd more methods of costless consumption.

cause for complaint with the liquor lottery. Minesweeping is best practiced in busy pubs, such as Paddy O’Shea’s during televised rugby. Be warned: Rugby fans tend to take unkindly to theft. They also tend to be big. cross-dressing n. Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtﬁre. Women can drink free pretty much every night of the week in Beijing. Those of us unlucky enough to have a Y chromosome have to be a little more creative than just turning up. Away from the gaze of the eagle-eyed staff, you can either clutch at the straws of recently befriended young women or … you can wear women’s clothes. Equalopportunity opportunists Tun will give booze to any man dressed as a woman at their weekly Ladies’ Night – which makes you both green and a battler against gender stereotypes. Those souls committed to free drinks can make it permanent with just a short plane trip to Thailand and a minor dip into their life savings. deceit n. “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” Lying. Drunk and disorderly, I take one more crack at unpaid imbibing by telling the bar staff at Luga’s Villa that it is my birthday. Success comes in a taste of tequila. Failure comes in the realization that this is the worst birthday ever … apart from saving the world.

minesweeping n. 1) the noble art of clearing the world or land and underwater ordnance; 2) the ignoble act of thieving drinks from unwitting patrons’ tables in bars. Minesweeping is popular at universities the world over, and goes some way to explaining the unpopularity of students the world over. Just as beggars can’t be choosers, so thieves have no

Minesweeping is popular at universities the world over, and explains the unpopularity of students the world over

www.thebeijinger.com

March 2009 / the Beijinger www. thatsbj.com Sept. 2005 63 that’smags

BARS & CLUBS

freegan n. A vegan who opts out of capitalist society by foraging for food. Usually found in dumpsters. The old saying goes that there is no such thing as a free lunch. Well, freegans have kicked that notion into touch. If you can eat for free then surely it must be possible to drink for free. We’ve all got a moral responsibility to the environment and if not paying for beer is doing my bit, then I’m happy to help. Up yours, global warming. Now this was a great idea but, as with many great ideas, it fell apart when put into practice. There should be lots of leftover beer to be foraged – a look at the liquid sloshing in the bottles taken away by the ever-too-hasty fuwuyuan will tell you that. The problem is getting to it. Bins that bars use are easy enough to ﬁnd, but it turns out that glass bottles smash. Who knew? Licking broken glass is a step too far. Also Beijing is never quiet enough for you to not feel self-conscious when doing it. Freegan beer might not exist but there must be free beer somewhere. I’ve not come this far to give up now. Remember, it’s for the good of the planet.

PARTY LIKE A ...

GUESS WHO?

Barmen are to art what ears were to Van Gogh. Missing. So we asked some notable bar personalities (Pat Walsh, Trevor Metz, Beijing Boyce, Chad Lager, Lee Mitchell and Stephen Rocard) to draw their self-portraits. We were going to ask an art critic to judge them, but based on the mystifying results we got back we thought itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d be better if you could guess whoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s who.

by Jonathan White

Australians have a reputation for straighttalking. Now they can add straight-drawing to that. Very clean for a hutong.

The grind of Shuangjing can do strange things to a man, especially if the Canucks blow the Stanley Cup.

More subtlety than one could possibly expect from anything to do with a brick.

A lovely man, with colorful headwear, who or may not have defaced his own portrait. A cry for help? Average at best, sir.

This barman sees himself as a happy bunny rather than a laughing Buddha. Either way, this picture is, for us, beyond all recognition.

LOOK FOR MORE IN OUR SERIES OF BEIJINGER SELF-PORTRAITS ... COMING SOON! 36

AUGUST 2011

1) Beijing Boyce 2) Trevor Metz, Grinders 3) Lee Mitchell, The Brick 4) Stephen Rocard, Mao Mao Chong 5) Pat Walsh, The Green Cap 6) Chad Lager, Fubar

Martini glass, laptop and facial hair all present and correct. Spookily accurate.

PARTY LIKE A ...

HOME BREWER

MAKING A BEER FROM START TO FINISH by Jonathan White

fter many false dawns, it now seems that the microbrewery has become a Beijing success story. They range from large-scale stalwarts such as the Paulaner and Drei Kronen to the ever-expanding craft brews of Great Leap to new boys like Slow Boat Brewery. How hard could it be? We at the Beijinger decided to give artisanal beer production a shot. We went to Taobao.com and looked for the easiest possible way to get started. A few clicks and 104 kuai later, we had ourselves a home beer-making kit. WHAT IT SAYS ON THE BOX The instructions were simple (if oddly written): • Mix malt and brewing sugar with 2 liters hot water, then add cold water to 23 liter. • Stir the ingredients evenly and sprinkle the yeast over the top of the liquid. It needs 4-7 days to perment [sic]. • Add carbonating sugar (10g: 20 sachets) specially to 20 bottles. Then fill the bottle with beer in the fermenter drum. • After 10 days you will enjoy beer brewing by yourself. Based on our longstanding mistrust of people who can’t spell, we decided to ignore these instructions. Instead, we roped in a local homebrewer and his brand-new equipment to help us craft our beer. THIS IS HOW WE BREW IT. 1. We brought 23 liters of water to the boil in a pot the size of an Oompa-Loompa. A watched pot never boils, so they tell me. We tried not to watch ours. It still took forever. 2. We then tipped in the malt – a lovely, syrupy liquid that smelled different than what we had expected from a lager home-brew kit. We examined the box, which referred to the substance variously as “malt,” “100% malt,” “crystal amber” and “home lager malt.” Still confused as to what we had just made, we then washed the spilt malt off our hands. 3. We added in the sugar. There was a kilo of it. This 23-liter (and everreducing) concoction was stirred and stirred while still on the heat. 4. Some of us took a 15-minute break for drinking while one poor sap continued stirring. Next we used the bathtub to sterilize the “fermenter drum” as well as the copper coil that we would soon be using to cool the beer. 5. We took the big pot off the hob and then downstairs to the washing machine. Transporting such a large quantity of hot liquid is not recommended unless you are in prison or thawing a road. 6. The copper cooling coil (or wort chiller, as the pros call it) and one of its tubes were attached to the washing machine tap. We lowered the coil into the beer. Then we pointed the other end of the tube toward the sink, only to discover that it was obviously not long enough to

DECEMBER 2011 NOVEMBER

drain properly. Six big (19-liter) water jugs were conscripted for use in a three-man production line. Fill-carry-pour, fill-carry-pour, fill-carrypour. This happened several times before our beer reached the desired temperature of 30˚C. NB. Watching all that water go down the drain, it became abundantly clear that the amount of water used to brew beer is a massive environmental concern. In order to feel better about drinking this beer, I personally have not bathed since we made it. 7. We then poured what-was-now-beginning-to-look-like beer into our fermenting drum. We tipped in the yeast. This is when we had our first taste of our sugary nectar. It tasted like an ale that had been spilled in a candy shop. NB. It turns out that sugar is good – that’s what the yeast turns to alcohol. This boded well. 8. The yeast stayed mysteriously inert for about a week, so that slowed down our fermentation. After taking it out of the fridge to kick-start biology, we then left it to bubble away before putting the brew into a keg, to let it stand before drinking. THE TASTING After a thirsty 18 days, our brew was as ready as it was ever going to be. We took it to Paddy O’Shea’s to get some average consumers (and Beijing Celtics FC) to drink … “The Beerjinger.” Here’s what they said. Actually, no. We can’t print that. In honesty, it tasted of water with a hint of ale. At best. The good news is that no one died. Brewing is trial and error. We’re lucky that we’re not on trial for our error. Oh well, better luck with the next batch ... Thanks to Enda Winters, Flannan Gleeson, Lauren McCarthy, Iain Shaw and everyone brave enough to drink it.

PARTY LIKE A ...

HOME BOOZE DOMESTIC DRINKING … IN STYLE by Jonathan White

t’s winter. It’s cold. It’s already dark by the time you finish work. You can’t stomach going to a bar in such dismal conditions but you also can’t stomach watching another Gossip Girl box set without anything to numb the knowledge that you aren’t an unfathomably rich New York teen. So what do you do? The answer is not “Man up” nor is it “Play Mario Kart.” It’s to let the alcohol come to you. HOME DELIVERY The easiest option of the lot. You stay on your sofa and let the mountain come to Mohammed, so to speak. All you need is the Internet – and, let’s face it, if you don’t have that, you should be in bars meeting people. Not counting the scores of xiaomaibu that’ll happily send up a crate of Yanjing, there are three decent delivery options in Beijing in the form of www.bjliquorstore.com, www.mai9.com (Chinese -language) and www.beijinghome delivery.com. Using a 750ml bottle of Absolut vodka as a sample, we were quoted these prices: RMB 85 (BJ Liquor Store), RMB 99 (Mai9) and RMB 168.67 (Beijing Home Delivery). The more well-heeled will find a list of wine importers in our Directory on p71. BAR-TO-HOME The wily individuals who run Beijing’s bars are happy to take your money even if you aren’t on

DECEMBER 2010

their premises. Let me rephrase that: They offer the valuable public service of providing you draft beer in your home. The Goose & Duck will bring the kegs for free and set them up. The Stumble Inn will sell you a keg cheaper than you could drink it for in the bar; besides delivery and set-up, they’ll teach you to pour a pint too. They can also offer bottles, cocktails and provide staff, should you need them. Paddy O’Shea’s will sell you a keg at bar prices, then deliver and set it up, plus they can throw Western staff into the mix. Prices vary based on what you order. HOMEBREW The good news is that it is not illegal to brew alcohol on your own premises provided that it is for your own consumption and not intended for sale. The bad news is that China could not be much further from the forefront of the home brew scene, meaning that ingredients are hard to source. Hard but not impossible. Depending on your enthusiasm, experience and willingness to experiment, there are a number of options. If you don’t know your wort chillers from your hydrometers, you can always start with a home brew kit. Various options on the market will have you making your own ales, lagers, stouts, wines and even liquor in no time. Sites such as www. makebeer.net, www.homebrewers.com and www. homebrewery.com all sell ready-made kits that contain everything you need to produce a drink-

able product. Although they don’t deliver to China, sites such as www.dong-xi.com will help you get around that. Dong-Xi.com will either purchase everything you desire on your behalf (10 percent of the order value, plus shipping) or you can buy it and ship it to their US address (USD 5 handling fee, plus shipping). Shipping is calculated by weight and details can be found on the site. Hardcore homebrewers, you can either get hold of proper microbrew hardware or be brave and cobble it together yourself. The former option is not as difficult as you might expect – surprise, surprise, it’s all made in China. HanBo (400 668 9158, www.chinahanbo.com) supplies microbrew equipment for Beijing bars and restaurants. The latter option will take some technical skill and a foray into online forums. Sites such as www.homebrewtalk.com, www.ibrew.com.sg and www.homebrewkorea.com offer an international panel of experts, while China-specific advice can be sought at the likes of www. hellonanjing.com and www.thebeijinger.com. Finally – and fittingly for the city of the half-pat – is the half-home brew option that is Vineyard Wine Experience. The Jianwai Soho-based outfit has a DIY wine facility where you make wine with their assistance, they store it and ferment it, and then you get to drink it. Drink responsibly. Contact info for all listed venues can be found in the Directory, starting p71.

PLA ...

PARTY LIKE A KTVER I’d like to teach the world to cringe by Jonathan White

eing in a room full of your friends and colleagues, taking turns belting out versions of songs that probably should have been long forgotten. Nothing quite like it … if you like being judged, derided and ridiculed. Here are the color-coded highlights of a recent six-man KTV gala.

“Hollaback Girl” (originally by Gwen Stefani) All snap and crackle but nowhere near pop. More like polyester and nylon being hastily removed from a tumble dryer. Everyone loves the “B-A-N-A-N-A-S” singalong bit, though. There should be an option to just do that part. “Gold Digger” (originally by Kanye West) “Now I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digger/ But she ain’t messin’ wit no broke … [awkward silence].” His rendition sounds excited and a little bit frightened, like one’s ﬁrst time sleeping in a tent. “The Dock of the Bay” (originally by Otis Redding) Quite stunning. A mournful voice that sounds like becoming increasingly hot in a crowded elevator. Note to self: Don’t go to KTV with people who sing in bands. “Baby I Love Your Way” (originally by Peter Frampton) A relaxing song done by a calming voice that sounds like cycling into the sea. The video is perfect. Providing that it was intended to be for a southern European railway line. “Milkshake” (originally by Kelis) Somebody’s bitter at getting landed with such a difﬁcult song. He sings as if he just got an unwelcome answer from a Magic 8-Ball.

“My Way” (originally by Frank Sinatra) If this were the Philippines, I would likely be killed for this performance. (They take this song very seriously.) Luckily, no one in the room has a gun. In the cracks between my finest Paulie Walnuts “Joyzee” accent, I sound like the end of the second period of overtime. “La Bamba” (originally by Ritchie Valens) Sung with a piping voice like freshly pumped-up BMX tires. However, the tempo of the track is wrong so it’s skipped after merely one “Soy capitan.” Shame. “New York, New York” (originally by Frank Sinatra) Brilliantly, this song plays out over a KTV video of Paris. Sung in a jolly attempt that sounds like getting a letter in the post when you’re a child. “Babycakes” (originally by 3 of a Kind) Brits know this UK garage/pop crossover classic inside out. Well, some do. Finally, a manageable song for Mr. Antsy. I never knew it was possible to sound smug when singing – I feel like I’ve been corrected on the difference between “doth” and “dost.” “Wind Beneath My Wings” (originally by Bette Midler) The KTVoyeur who has spent all night not singing finally succumbs to cajoling and a love of the film Beaches. Theirs is a timid voice that sounds like guiltily opening the bag to put the cats in before you drown them. “Back in Black” (originally by AC/DC) Familiarity with a song is of great benefit. Despite this being a rock song, his voice is smoother than marmalade on buttered toast. Stop singing, already – it’s becoming annoying. “Mr. Brightside” (originally by The Killers) A group effort, involving too much gusto. Sounds like sweaty topless men in shorts high-fiving in a weights room. It also looks a lot like that. Blame the beer. And the awe-inspiring fun of KTV. … and then it’s daylight. Davidoff Lounge China Central Place, 83A Jianguo Lu, Chaoyang District (5908 8070)

His rendition sounds excited and a little bit frightened, like one’s first time sleeping in a tent

朝阳区华贸中心建国路甲83 Tango Gongti Xilu (beneath Gongti 100 Bowling Alley), Chaoyang District (6551 9988) 朝阳区工体西路工体100保龄球馆下面 Melody A-77 Chaoyangmenwai Dajie (northwest of Landao Tower), Chaoyang District (6551 0808) 朝阳区朝阳门外大街乙77号（蓝岛大厦西北）

www.thebeijinger.com

May 2009 / the Beijinger www. thatsbj.com Sept. 2005 63 that’smags

BARS & CLUBS

“Candle In The Wind ’97” (originally by Elton John) I start with an impassioned rendition of the song that commemorated England’s Rose. Verdict: I sound more like cigarette butts doused in vinegar than the ﬂowers at a shrine I was aiming for.

“We Are The Champions” (originally by Queen) This seems rehearsed. Maybe it’s just the Freddie Mercury mustache. Dammit, why are you so good at singing? Sung with the kind of power that resembles the look on a dog’s face when it realizes it’s off the leash.

PLA ...

BARS & CLUBS

PARTY LIKE A LOSER A loveless trudge through the city’s nightlife by Jonathan White

’ll be the first to admit that I might well be a loser, unlucky in love and all of that. Either way, I’ve got no Olympic golds with which to impress the ladies, so I rely on word of mouth and local listings magazines to find out where an eligible young man might go to find a young lady and then start the courtship ritual which is hoped to end in my mother buying a hat and the white wedding we have all always dreamed of. Beijing might not be the best of places to go entering into the world of dating. For all of the success stories, there are thousands more who have ended up one way or another on the receiving end of a story fit for Beijing Dirt. Feeling ever so brave and – let’s be honest with St. Valentine’s Day so close – very lonely, I started out on the well-trodden path of meeting potential mates. The Bookworm is said to be a hive of intellect and, more than that, some damn fine-looking young (and not so young) folk. I was not disappointed. There were indeed some handsome-looking gentlemen among the coffee drinkers. Better than that, there were also plenty of women. Result. Well, no. It turns out that engendering conversation with people who pretend to be working on their laptops and are all the while scoping out the other customers is not as easy as you might think. It is even more difficult when your idea of Dutch courage involves the better part of Cognac’s regional yearly product. Note to self: Bring a laptop. And drink less. No laptops are needed at Mix – it just sounds like all of the songs playing inside were made on one. No one wants to listen to Akon at the best of times and the strains of “lonely, so lonely” seem like more of a kick to the teeth than ever before. On the plus side, it is absolutely heaving. As I edge to the bar, I have to sidestep the throng of thong-clad college students … and that’s just the guys. Many more folk than myself seem to be doing quite well for themselves. I don’t know whether to be heartened or sickened by the amount of people

shamelessly hooking up. I err on the side of sickened. Why I thought that Vics would be a better idea we shall put down to drunken indiscretion. A very similar formula to the club across the car park yields very similar results. Lots of people seem to be very good at this whole girl-meets-boy – or whatever spin on it that actually works – than me. A swiftly downed rum at the bar leads me to seek enlightening conversation and I know just the place. The Den is open 24 hours. This is much in its favor. The fact that it is open all the time makes me think that at some point I might meet someone with a similar love of long walks and poetry. At worst I might meet someone who might also like late night drinking so much that they may be as drunk as I. I’d like that. As much as I’d like that, I am not in luck. There are plenty of women but they seem less interested in me than the obviously much cooler guys who clearly earn a great deal more money than me. Ah well. There’s always one for the road. The last port of call for the night is Maggie’s. I think we should leave it there. I don’t kiss and tell. Needless to say that the service was exemplary … even losers love a hot dog.

PHOTO: JUDY ZHOU

As I edge to the bar, I have to sidestep the throng of thong-clad college students … and that’s just the guys

The Bookworm Courtyard 4, Gongti Beilu, Chaoyang District. (6586 9507) 朝阳区工体北路4号院

The Den 4 Gongti Donglu (next to City Hotel’s main entrance), Chaoyang District. (6592 6290) 敦煌, 朝阳区工体东路4号城市宾馆正门旁边

Maggie’s South Gate of Ritan Park. Chaoyang District. (8562 8142/8143) 朝阳区日坛公园南门

Mix Inside the north gate of Workers’ Stadium, Chaoyang District. (6530 2889) 密克斯, 朝阳区工体北门内

Vics Inside the north gate of the Workers’ Stadium, Chaoyang District. (5293 0333) 威克斯, 朝阳区工体北门内

www.thebeijinger.com

February 2009 / the Beijinger www. thatsbj.com Sept. 2005 65 that’smags

PLA ...

BARS & CLUBS

PARTY LIKE

N IO T U L O S E R S ’ R A E Y W E N A ge? wed to make a chan

Guess w which hich resolu tion b bar. Y ou elong China st Bar, d r choices a re Blu o loung David e Frog e off Cig , Dang , er Do ar Lou Paddy yle's, nge, L O ush, N The D 'Shea's, Th an e Boo en, Th kworm jie, e Rick Suzie sh , Wong 's and aw, Salud, White Rabbit . (Answ ers on p62)

rs vo What if Beijing’s ba by Jonathan White

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58 that’smags the 2005 Beijinger January 2010 Sept. www./ thatsbj.com

www.thebeijinger.com

PHOTO: JOEY GUO

Party like a ...

Nightlife Contributor The don’ts and don’ts of writing about bars & clubs by Jonathan White

e’re always on the lookout for people who can write about drinking. The problem is that most of the people who apply can’t write. We never bother to find out if they can drink. Here are some examples.

Mr. Check-Check-Check Mao Mao Chong has gained a lot of popularity and it is easy to see why. Infused cocktails? Check. Homemade pizzas? Check. Friendly proprietors? Check. Beijing’s best hutong bar? Check, check, check and check.

The Know-It-All The electronica scene in Beijing is nascent compared to Berlin. Clubs here are not on a parallel to the likes of Delicious Doughnuts, Cassiopeia or even Tresor. That’s not to say we should look down on it but when are we going to get a post-skwee night to rival even the most pedestrian of Europe’s party backwaters. Perhaps School Bar has the answer …

The Bore With Nothing To Say Upon entering LAN, it is a large space with interesting décor. In the many rooms – some of which are the bathrooms – lots of work has gone into making them look good and feel comfortable. They have a vast selection of drinks so there is something for everyone to enjoy.

The Nitpicker The girl brought my pint of Tsingtao (5 kuai) over, and the head was tiny, probably only about 0.8cm. I said to her, “Don’t you know that back in my country there’s a regulation size for the head on a pint of beer?” Also, the stools are rather high. The Chip-on-the-Shoulder Hutong Expat I’m sure that this is a fine bar if you like Sanlitun but this is 2012, people. Who still likes Sanlitun? Who ever did? Who picks the neon lights of bar street over the dimly lit Fangjia Hutong? Who picks expat brats and tourists over folk musicians and photographers? Who picks a pint of generic mass-produced lager over a growler of artisanal craft brewing? Who picks the sound of Ke$ha over throat singing? If that’s what you want, then fine. It means more of the real Beijing for us. The Fill-in-the-Blanks Cliche Machine A smorgasbord of better-looking twenty-something denizens people the cavernous dancefloor amid the stellar decor. All in all, Spark has caused quite a stir, it’s a winning addition to the nightlife scene and only time will tell if this hidden gem becomes the next Beijing staple. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see ... A valuable addition to the steadily burgeoning CBD dance vista. The Scrabble Champion This new Ukrainian bar is worth your hard-earned Hryvnia. Drinks are stronger than a Zo, but tasty enough to warrant sapping your Qi. Euoi!

January 2012

The Getting-Paid-By-the-Word Freelancer Paddy O’Shea’s has won many awards from the readers of the Beijinger. These include “Outstanding Bar/Club of the Year” 2010, “Outstanding Best Beer” 2010, “Friendliest Crowd” 2010, “Best Bartender” 2010, “Outstanding Quiz Night” 2010 and “Best Sports Bar” 2010 in the Beijinger’s 2010 Reader Bar & Club awards. That barely touches the surface of the plaudits that this Irish-cum-sports bar has earned over its four-year history. In fact, it’s just one year’s worth of accolades. The Gaelic charm of Karl Long plays no small part. Karl Long is the bartender. Did I mention he’s awardwinning? Another one of the bar’s sparkling facets is the multi-screen and multi-channel satellite television for sports coverage at all times of day and night. The fact that they also have the ability to offer foreign games both over the Internet and via a Slingbox means that you will never miss your team in action again. There’s no reason to, not when you can be enjoying brews as diverse as stout (Guinness, Murphy’s), draft lager (Stella, Beijing, Kronenbourg 1664) and even authentic Irish cider (Magners). Say top of the morning to Paddy O’Shea’s – in fact, you might find that before too long, it already is the morning! Haha. The Guy Who Misuses Words It is behooving for traditional bars to keep a wary eye on these new kids on the brew block – irregardless of how personally impactful Beijing’s fledgling microbrewers become. These artisanal progenies have initialized a taste revolution that albeit is currently all the rave and drinkers could not of waited any longer to sup at their taps. For all intensive purposes, this bar could literally explode among the city’s discriminatory denizens of hutong drinking.

PLA ...

Do you speak the slanguage of Beijing bars & clubs? look up:

fuwuyuan’r

Jonathan White

1,200 up

436 down

(also FUYU-ENNNNNNNNNNNNN) Recently-arrived sexpat slang for a girl you’d like to date.

BARS & CLUBS

Jake: Hey, Fuwuyuan’r, what’s your name? Fuwuyuan’r: Ethel Jake: That’s nearly as pretty as your teeth. What time do you ﬁnish? WIN A MUG! CLICK HERE

by ihatejake

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all-you-can-drink backshots baijiu kiss Beijing Boyce bouncers bubblewrap handbag dive bar erguotouteng get Boyced going local Happy Hour Irish bar Ladies’ Night ladybar street LAN bathroom job leaving party ‘litun longneckers Luga’s Village Maggie’s hot dog martini (mango) men’s night mixologist Olympics hangover opening party pink RMB Rickshaw pub crawl Sanlitun bra street sexpat Sunday club table service The Flower Woman

74 that’smags the 2005 Beijinger April 2010 Sept. www./ thatsbj.com

92 down

Russian roulette for the liver. Often performed in dive bars. Bro: Dude, the all-you-can-drink here is only sixty-kuai. Dude: Bro, that’s not going to help your jaundice.

by averagezhou

Sports fan T-shirt (RMB 80)

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5-kuai beer

180 up

11 down

An offer that’s too good to be true. Its possibility is seen as non-existent. Steve: This girl just told me she’s taking me home. Right. Now. Jeff: That’s some 5-kuai beer talk, buster.

by yibaqi

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100,000 up

4 down

Shunyi T-shirt (RMB 80)

Anyone who knows how to use iTunes. Morrissey: Hang the DJ, hang the DJ, hang the DJ …

by postieB

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soft opening

32 up

9 down

Not ready to open but more than willing to take your money. Patron: Hey, bossman. I just paid 80 kuai for this drink and there’s a hole in the bottom of the glass. Bossman: Regrettably, sir, there’s nothing I can do. It’s a soft opening.

by BrianEunuch2

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chuan’r

66 up

A tasty street snack. Accounts for many missing pets. Boy: I lost my pet rat, can you help me look? Girl: No point. It’s probably chuan’r by now.

by jingthing www.thebeijinger.com

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74 down

Ayi T-shirt (RMB 80)

More merchandise coming soon! Check back next month to see our brand-new catalogue!

ILLUSTRATION: JOEY GUO

The Frog Man The Hut The Wu Thursday crowd Tin Can Alley xiaomaibooze White Rabbit o’clock wine tasting

47 up

Party like aN ...

olde Bar Personality T

CHAD LAGER, THE LITTLE EASY If you could grow hair again, what style would you wear? Mullets are always in style in my book.

he night is dark and full of terrors but luckily for us there are knights-errant to stop nightmares such as your mead getting roofied by a warlock . These fair maidens (ok ay, only one is a maiden) were set the quest to find out the darkest secrets of their fellow innkeeps. We took our quill and recorded it for posterity. Here’s the saga of this year’s bar personalities.

Are you a little easy? Way too easy. Is there anything the Little Easy finds big and difficult? Smartphones are my nemesis.

TREVOR METZ, GRINDERS Who would win a fight to the death, you or an ostrich? I would obviously win a fight with an ostrich. While it possesses speed, strength and reach, I have a secret weapon. Plus I have many years of repressed anger.

JACK ZHOU, FIRST FLOOR Is there any other job you’d like to have? Yes! To be a policeman. It was my dream! What percentage of your customers do you actually like? Fifty percent.

June 2012

What’s the earliest in the day you’ve beaten someone up? Just before my fifth birthday at about 9am. I wouldn’t let Jason Wallace play on my new swing set so he held his fist out as I was swinging by. When I came to, he was running for his house but I caught him at the fence line. He was more sorry than the ostrich would be. True story.

Where are you going next? Whoever pays for me gets me. But I would really like to have my own place with a contract that is binding.

When did you start losing your hair? Losing my hair??

CARL SETZER, GREAT LEAP BREWING Warm beer vs. cold beer: who would win in a cage match? Beer is a liquid and cages are porous by nature so I don’t think it would be a long fight for either of the opponents.

Have you made a gin and tonic yet? Yes, since winning Barman of the Year [in 2010] I have learned that there is more to being a barman than opening bottles. I’m planning on learning the art of the “rum and coke” next year.

What was your nickname in homeschool? There was no one there to give me a nickname ... I was homeschooled.

GREG DOVER, BLUE FROG How many dislocated jaws has the Montana Burger notched up over the years? Haha, good question. Guess you’re speaking from experience. It is a big burger and requires a special approach. We suggest the customer either apply a bit of pressure to the top of the burger bun or remove one of the onion rings. What was your favorite childhood toy? Millennium Falcon.

Have you ever dyed your hair? I attempted to dye my hair gray in college, but apparently that’s impossible when you are starting with blonde hair and the best I got was singed hair which was followed by a buzz cut.

ANDY BRIGHT, UNION BAR & GRILLE What kind of music do you like? AC/DC’s “It’s a Long Way to the Top.” Burger or cocktail? Cocktail every time. What do you say to people who complain about your Wi-Fi? “We’re getting it fixed, Jim.” Warren Pang of d lounge opted not to par ticipate. Trevor Metz missed the photo shoot. To hear from Stephanie Rocard of Mao Mao Chong, who was voted Best Personality of the Year, turn to p42.

photos: judy zhou

Man, bear, pig. Your thoughts. A man has to be a real MAN! The bear is a cute animal. Pig! We call stupid people pigs all the time! A man needs to bear pigs!!! Especially as a barman! Haha!

KARL LONG, PADDY O’SHEA’S If you could fight one person, who would it be? I am not much of a violent person and enjoy as much peace and tranquility as possible, but if it’s a must, I’d love to slap the sh*t out of Chuck Norris.

PLA ...

PARTY LIKE A PUB QUIZ Literally.

by Jonathan White

BARS & CLUBS

he answer to each question is the name of a current bar in Beijing. (To cheat, see Directory, p64.) E-mail your answers to editor@thebeijinger.com before the end of June for a chance to win a bottle of booze. Winners and answers will be announced on www.thebeijinger.com. Good luck.

Round 1: Sport

Round 4: General Knowledge

1. C.M.

1. Son of Jupiter and Juno, married to Venus and Maia.

, American wrestler.

2. Winner of 2008 Louisiana Derby.

2. Passed by the legal profession.

3. Cricket ground building.

3. Converse shoe.

4. Millwall FC’s home until 1993.

4. Occult symbol associated with Neo-Nazis.

5. London football team,

5. Valley, often with water.

Palace.

Bonus: Ethernet and Wi-Fi. Round 2: Films and TV 1. 1981 Wolfgang Peterson ﬁlm (if translated).

Round 5: Food and Drink

2. Bond inventor.

1. Coca-Cola: "valuable

2. Sugary orange drink (US).

Dalmatians.

and nerve stimulant.”

4. Bar in Indiana Jones.

3. Sugary orange drink (UK).

5. Where everybody knows your name.

4. Open-air marketplace in Muslim countries.

Bonus: The A-Team’s Lt. Templeton Peck.

5. They bag rhinos, cook eggs. Round 6: Music

Round 3: Literature 1. Play starring Vladimir and Estragon. 2. Alex Garland novel.

1. KISS suggest that God gave it to you. 2. “O mio babbino caro,” for example. 3. Term for accessories, coined by rapper BG.

3. Alice follows him. 4. Sixth letter of Greek alphabet. 5. Belongs to Aldous.

4. Home of the Grand Ole Opry. 5. Music biopic starring Lou Diamond Phillips. Bonus: “There’s no sex in the

room” -Wyclef.

Roll up, roll up, for the Beijinger’s Quiz to End All Quizzes. Sunday, June 7 at Tun. 7.30pm. Free. See back cover for more info.

Beijing’s Pub Quizzes The Bookworm (Mondays, 7.30pm)

Lush (Wednesdays, 8pm)

Courtyard 4, Gongti Beilu, Chaoyang District (6586 9507)

2/F, Bldg 1, Huaqing Jiayuan, Chengfu Lu (across from the

书虫书吧, 朝阳区工体北路4号院

Wudaokou light-rail station), Haidian District (8286 3566)

Tim’s Texas Roadhouse (Tuesdays, 8pm)

海淀区成府路华清嘉园1号楼2层（五道口城铁站对面）

27 Xingba Lu (Nüren Jie), Chaoyang District (6461 1141)

Paddy O’Shea’s (Wednesdays, 8.30pm)

西部牛仔餐吧, 朝阳区星吧路27号

28 Dongzhimenwai Dajie, Chaoyang District (6415 6389)

The Stumble Inn (Tuesdays, 8pm)

朝阳区东直门外大街28号

Haoyun Jie (next to Elisa’s Italian Restaurant), 29 Zaoying Lu,

The Pomegranate (Wednesdays, 8pm)

Chaoyang District (5867 0248) 朝阳区枣营路29号好运街

19 Kaifa Lu, Xibaixinzhuang, Houshayu, Shunyi District (8046

Frank’s Place (Wednesdays, 8pm) Jiangtai Xilu (west of Rosedale Hotel), Chaoyang District (6437 8399) 朝阳区丽都将台西路

68 that’smags the 2005 Beijinger June 2009 Sept. www./ thatsbj.com

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2558) 石榴园, 顺义区后沙峪西白辛庄开发路19号

AKA: Sir William Casanova IV Most likely to holler: “Come along, dear fellow” ‘Hood: Flamme Inﬂuences: Hendrick’s Gin, fresh passion fruit, homemade apple syrup (reduced apple juice), fresh lemon juice If not a rapper, would be: Career politician Green: RMB 50

AKA: The Peruvian Screwface Most likely to holler: “Say hi to my lil’ friend” ’Hood: Apothecary Inﬂuences: Campanario Pisco brandy, simple syrup, lemon juice, egg whites, Angostura bitters If not a rapper, would be: Attorney/ crimeﬁghter Cheddar: RMB 70

JUNE 2011

Mala Mule Kafka Haze

Ten Beijing cocktails. One opportunity. You only get one shot. (In some of these drinks, you get multiple shots.) These freestyling drinks went headto-head for the Best Creative Cocktail crown in our 2011 Reader Bar & Club Awards. This is the 411 on the big ten.

AKA: Dr. Ponderosa Fly Most likely to holler: “I’m the Jay-Z of this China biz” ’Hood: Atmosphere, China World Summit Wing Inﬂuences: 80 percent gin, lemon, lime cordial, sage and lemongrass If not a rapper, would be: Businessman Bank: RMB 75

passion fruit lychee martini

by Jonathan White

The Jing Fling

RAP-BATTLING BEIJING DRINKS

Lemongrass Gimlet

Pisco Sour

AKA: Rocky Concrete Fist Most likely to holler: “You looking at me?” ’Hood: The Brick Inﬂuences: Double Long Island Iced Tea with cider, beer, and blackcurrant syrup If not a rapper, would be: Security for a rapper Dinero: RMB 88

AKA: Fire & Spice Most likely to holler: “This is why I’m hot” ’Hood: Mao Mao Chong Inﬂuences: Chilli-infused vodka, Sichuan pepper-infused vodka, lime, ginger ale If not a rapper would be: Fashion designer Money clip: RMB 35

AKA: Sabre-Toothed Franz Most likely to holler: “It was just a dream” ’Hood: Maison Boulud Inﬂuences: Green absinthe, apple liqueur, passion fruit syrup, fresh lime If not a rapper, would be: Web entrepreneur Cash money: RMB 98

AKA: MC Martin Lightfoot Most likely to holler: “Would you like to see my etchings?” ’Hood: Mesh, The Opposite House Inﬂuences: Belvedere vodka, lychee liqueur, fresh passion fruit juice, red grapefruit juice If not a rapper, would be: Model/actor (and part-time architect) Scrilla: RMB 70 (+15% service charge)

AKA: DJ Loafy Loaf Most likely to holler: “Wanna take a ride in my sidecar?” ‘Hood: Mao Mao Chong Inﬂuences: Baijiu, cinnamon-infused vodka, sour plum-infused vodka, plum juice, anise If not a rapper, would be: Web designer Cheese: RMB 30

PHOTOS: JUDY ZHOU, SUI AND COURTESY ILLUSTRATION: OF APOTHECARY JOEY GUO

The Terminator

the dizzy buddha

AKA: Grandmaster Pork Liquor Most likely to holler: “What you know about the Dirty South?” ’Hood: Apothecary Inﬂuences: Don Lee of PDT in NYC. Bacon, maple syrup, Jim Beam bourbon If not a rapper, would be: Blind bluesman Dead presidents: RMB 70

The Passionate Englishman

AKA: Eightfold Pathﬁnder Most likely to holler: “Can’t we all get along” ’Hood: Fubar Inﬂuences: Vodka, coconut rum, amaretto and tropical juices, free mug If not a rapper, would be: Yoga teacher Benjamins: RMB 100

Bacon Bourbon Old-Fashioned

PARTY LIKE A ...

PARTY LIKE A … ROCKER A booze-fueled tour of Beijing’s live music clubs by Jonathan White

ith rock venues dotted over the east and the west Beijing’s music scene is sprawling enough to warrant more than one night out. Everyone’s heard of the battle of the bands but it seemed more fitting to stage a battle of the band venues. Local band Boy #6 allowed me to tag along on their world tour of Beijing, albeit with taxis replacing a tour bus and our own pockets acting as tour rider. Wednesday is officially the start of the weekend – well, it is if you are a student. With this in mind, Boy #6 and I trekked out to the university district. Wudaokou is home to D-22, the premier venue for catching the likes of Joyside and Carsick Cars. It’s not the biggest place in the world but is all the better for it. Drinks cost what you’d expect a student to be happy to pay and the music switches back and forth between the rockier fringes of indie and classic punk. Full of bourbon, the band and I move onto 13 Club. Here heavy metal is king, and more bourbon is consumed as we thrash around to the aural assault. A brief venture on to the pool table almost results in s confrontation with someone whose hair appears to still be a victim of the 1980s. Thursday night is more like the weekend for working folk. 2 Kolegas is our starting point of the evening. The venue is a good size, big enough to get a good crowd but small enough to still feel an intimate part of a show that washes over us. The booze begins to flow and we sample the staples of any rocker’s diet: whisky, beer and cigarettes. All reasonably priced, as it should be. This venue showcases a wide variety of the many sub-genres of rock and sometimes has bands flown in from as far afield as … Qingdao. Into Sanlitun and to Tun specifically. The bar has been equipped with a stage since it opened but has only just begun to put bands on. We’re glad that they have. Drinks are cheap and we dive into Miami Iced Teas, which sounds less rock & roll than the Keith Richards staggering it leads to. Stagger we do, on to Kai Club for their weekly indie night. Live music is wonderful, but screaming along to The Smiths whilst drinking some of the cheapest “alcoholic drinks” in town is a hard feeling to beat. It’s Friday and time to ignore the excesses of the past two days. Boy #6 and I turn to Yugong Yishan to assist us in that cause. This is a bastion of the Beijing rock scene, having been a dominant force

in its Gongti days before upping to its new home. We sink into the sinking of bottles of lager and lay off the spirits … for a round or two. The group on show is Chasing Stars and they sound a lot to me like they could be playing folk. I think it’s the singer’s accordion that’s the giveaway. Tonight it’s a bit relaxed for our hedonism, although thoroughly pleasant, so we agree to move on again. MAO Livehouse is the next port of call and this feels more like it. Dingy is not a word that usually engenders good feeling but this feels right. A cramped bar and a more cramped corridor to the room housing the stage make for what I’m told is the best venue in Beijing. We down our rums and head into the lion’s den … it’s a full-on moshpit. This is fun at its most sweaty and tension-relieving. Were I to have hair it would have been let down. Onwards to Obiwan, for its Beijing Calling night, meaning shouting slightly out of time to timeless tunes and enough liquor to seriously contemplate a swim in Xihai. That’s enough enjoyment for me. Well, almost. I’m ushered to Lush back in Wudaokou for the ﬁ nale to my tour with Boy #6. Sunday is open-mic night and the place to put your mouth where your rock star dreams are. Despite the recent drinking, I choose not to subject anyone to my attempts. The brave ones who do offer varied styles and varying quality but it’s all heartfelt and very real, much like rock in Beijing.

BARS & CLUBS

Drinking the cheapest “alcoholic drinks” is a hard feeling to beat

13 Club 161 Chengfu Lu (by Lanqiying bus stop; doorway is recessed in a small alley), Haidian District (8668 7151) 13俱乐部, 海淀区成府路蓝旗营车站下车，马路南边即是(瓦罐饭馆的西边) 2 Kolegas 21 Liangmaqiao Lu (inside the drive-in movie theater park) north of Chaoyang Park, Chaoyang District (6436 8998) 两个好朋友, 朝阳区亮马桥路21号（燕莎桥往东1500米路北汽车电影院内） D-22 242 Chengfu Lu (two doors west of 13 Club), Haidian District (6265 3177, charles@d22beijing.com) 海淀区成府路242号 Kai Club Sanlitun Beijie (around the corner from Poachers Inn), Chaoyang District (6416 6254) 开, 朝阳区三里屯北街友谊青年酒店拐弯处 MAO Livehouse 111 Gulou Dongdajie, Dongcheng District (6402 5080) 光芒, 东城区鼓楼东大街111号 Obiwan 4 Xihai Xiyan (300m from Jishuitan subway station), Xicheng District (6617 3231) 西城区西海西沿4号 Tun Courtyard 4 (20m south of Salsa Caribe), Gongti Beilu, Chaoyang District (6585 5866) 屯, 朝阳区工体北路4号院 Yugong Yishan 2-3 Zhang Zizhong Road (former Duan Qirui government building, east of Ping’an Dadao), Dongcheng District (6404 2711) 愚公移山, 东城区张自忠路2-3号段祺瑞执政府旧址西院

78 that’smags the 2005 Beijinger November 2008 Sept. www./ thatsbj.com

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PARTY LIKE A … RUGBY PLAYER Drinking games and sing-songs in the capital Beer in a boot. Mmmm ... yummers!

by Jonathan White

BARS & CLUBS

he rugby season has just restarted, so what better time to see how the players of Beijing like to unwind after 80 minutes of beating each other senseless? As it turns out, there is no better time: These hardened souls have had a summer without practice. And by practice, I mean preparation for post-match punishment. Drinking starts on the pitch immediately after the game. Slabs of Yanjing are carted out and consumed with a degree of civility and camaraderie that doesn’t begin to hint at the night ahead. Often, a “man of the match” (and a “mug of the match”) is announced from each team. The honored players subsequently have to drain their beer, while others look on, shouting slogans such as: “Too slow!” and “Eat it!” Obviously, you can’t eat beer; it’s just an expression. Since playing fields are notoriously hard to come by in Beijing, most games are played at the same venue. There are no “home and away” fixtures per se, so teams make up for this by taking turns providing beverages at the ground before decamping to their venue of choice for many a libation. The Beijing Devils is the oldest team in town, so it’s fitting they retire to one of the capital’s oldest bars, The Den. Here, these snappily dressed chaps (club blazer and tie) dive into pints of Tsingtao and Guinness and begin singing songs of rather dubious taste. Ties quickly become as loose as the women they sing about and white shirts stain under the strains of “straight-arm” drinking, which is exactly what it sounds like: You drink without bending your arm, and it is as difficult as you’d expect. The rowdiness continues in the form of partial-nudity and more singing. Teams challenge one another to boat races. The punishment for losing? Yet more drink. Some players are forced to “shoot the boot” – drinking from a shoe after an on-field indiscretion – others drink the Devils’ Shot, a horrid mixture containing red Aftershock, banana liqueur, tequila and Tabasco. The Den isn’t the only venue for post-rugby machismo. The Aardvarks, a band of international students, take their opponents back to the haunts of Haidian and a cheap and cheerful restaurant close to the Beijing Language and Culture University. There are arbitrary rules for dinner (no pointing, drinking with the left hand only) that are in place merely to punish offenders with more liquor. One infraction determines a cup of beer must be downed. Two offences and it’s two cups, one held in each hand, drunk in the style of a speed skater with your top pulled over your head.

The all-Japanese team, Beijing Japanese, is the perfect host – a Japanese restaurant is the venue for a meal washed down with a lot of sake and Asahi. Shirts are removed and a lot of slapping oneself to song occurs. Loong Ban, the ﬁrst Chinese grassroots side to form outside of the state system, provides for their opponents at a local eatery. Cheap beers quickly lead on to the “pleasures” of baijiu and more shouts of ganbei than a joint-wedding ceremony. The rugby calendar in Beijing coincides with international matches and players left standing after post-match meals will head to one of the city’s many sports bars to catch the game. The Den, The Rickshaw, and Paddy O’Shea’s always show the rugby and tolerate players’ casual undressing. From then on, the destination depends largely on the price of alcohol: the cheaper, the better, since more can be purchased. The Aardvarks will head to Nanjie to hang off balconies and shout at females, while paid-up members of The Devils enjoy free entry into Vics. Rugby teams are instantly recognizable from their matching attire and while the sight of a horde of giant men may be fearsome, they are a good-natured bunch. If you see them out, join them for a drink and see how long you keep pace. For those who are more self-destructive than myself, you’re welcome to join a team and do this every week.

Shirts are removed and a lot of slapping oneself to song occurs

www.thebeijinger.com

4 Gongti Donglu (next to City Hotel’s main entrance), Chaoyang District (6592 6290) 敦煌. 工体东路4号城市宾馆正门旁边朝阳区 The Rickshaw Sanlitun Nanlu (north of the turn-off to The Bookworm), Chaoyang District (6500 4330) 三里屯南路朝阳区 Paddy O’Shea’s 28 Dongzhimenwai Dajie, Chaoyang District (6415 6389) 东直门外大街 28号朝阳区 Vics Inside the north gate of the Workers’ Stadium, Chaoyang District (5293 0333) 威克斯. 工体北门内朝阳区 Nanjie Courtyard 4, Gongti Beilu (next to Banana Leaf), Chaoyang District (6413 0963) 南街.

工体北路4号院蕉叶旁边朝阳区

PHOTO: JOSH KERNAN

78 that’smags the 2005 Beijinger October 2008 Sept. www./ thatsbj.com

The Den

PLA PLA...

THE BEIJING NIGHTLIFE MERCHANDISE SPECIALISTS Help Dudes

Dolls

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Details

NEW IN STOCK

“What Would Luga Do?” Wristband

Sanlitun Wi-Fi Mousepad

The Beijing Bar Legends Bobblehead Series #1/12 – Chad Lager

RMB 5

Surf the fastest wireless in your area. This mousepad assesses the local hotspots and points to the strongest signal with a pulsing LED. Say goodbye to the indignity of your downloads crashing at Element Fresh.

RMB 128

Add to cart

Jonathan White

NEW IN STOCK

Sport your wristband with pride. Let it be known that before every major decision you take in life, you pause to contemplate: “What would Luga do?”

Start your collection with the head honcho of Hendrick’s gin & tonics. #2 in the series debuts this June.

RMB 888

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TOP SELLER 5DKorean Phrasebook Say annyeong to all the Koreans that a night in Propaganda could possibly throw at you. Includes both Chinese -Korean and English-Korean translations.

RMB 60, RMB 30 (with student ID)

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TOP SELLER

NEW IN STOCK

Hipster Starter Pack

“Soft Opening” T-shirt

The Tongli Studios Slinky

Includes a plaid shirt with prerolled sleeves and a pair of glasses without any lenses (that’s right, just the frames). Also includes hair product to get that carefully sculpted devil-may-care bedhead and a bonus MP3 album of Peruvian techno.

Let them all know. Printed by hand on 100% brushed cotton by infants in a sweatshop. Available in red, blue, green and black.

“I’m Wearing a Chastity Belt” T-shirt

RMB200

RMB 68

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MAY 2010

Pe r fe c t fo r L a d i e s’ N i g h t s. Printed by hand on 100% primo polyester by pandas in captivity. Available in red, blue, green and black.

RMB 68

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When conversation starts to drag, amuse yourself with this classic distraction. Perfect for Kokomo and Bar Blu. Those up for the challenge can even try to best Danger Doyle’s.

RMB 54

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PARTY LIKE A SANTA CLAUS by Jonathan White CAST LIST Tour guide Santa Claus, American Sinterklaas, Dutch Black Peter, nationality unknown, a helper to Sinterklaas Father Christmas, English

BARS & CLUBS

Beijing Convention Center. A frosty night in late November. Public address system: That concludes the International Father Christmas Convention Beijing 2009. Good night, good luck and a very Merry Christmas. Tour guide: So gents, you’ve all got one more night in this fair city. What do you want to do? Santa Claus: I want Coca-Cola mixed with a lotta liquor, and then I want to meet some young girls who’ve been bad so they can sit on my lap. Tour guide: That’s one vote for Maggie’s. Santa Claus: It’s one vote for Coca-Cola, the way I see it. Sinterklaas: Does this Maggie woman make pancakes? Black Peter: There’s no fool like an old fool, this Maggie sounds like a – Father Christmas: Ho ho ho. Saint Nicholas: What’s this talk of ladies of the night? We shall give the oldest profession no quarter. Let us go to Maggie’s at once. I can give her money for a dowry. That is why they call me the Wonderworker.

Black Peter is smacked in the mouth by Sinterklaas’ crook.

Saint Nicholas, the Wonderworker, Bishop of Myra Belsnickel, German, also Santa of the Pennsylvania Dutch Krampus, an incubus demon who accompanies Saint Nicholas Père Noël, French Ded Moroz (aka Grandfather Frost), Russian

Black Peter: Jeez, I have had just about enough of this racist symbolism. The shackles were bad enough. You used to treat me like an employee, you mad old Dutchman. Sinterklaas: Sorry, Black Peter. I ﬁnd it hard to keep up with the customs of the time. I keep forgetting if I’m racist or not. Damned academics and their … what were we talking about? Belsnickel: I vud just like to haff one beer with the guys. Maybe at a German brauhaus? Tour Guide: Well, there’s Drei Kronen, Schindler’s, the Paulaner Brauhaus ... Black Peter: Hold on – he’s not getting in anywhere dressed like that, the fur-clad loon. Plus the Amish believe in him, and that’s pretty much the plot of M. Night Shyamalan’s The Village. That shit is weak. You don’t get a vote. Now this dude here, he gets a vote. Krampus: AARRRRRGH … Black Peter: Yo. There’s no kids to scare, or women to birch. Relax. Krampus: Sorry – force of habit. I don’t care what we do but I’d prefer the opposite of whatever Saint Nicholas is doing. Saint Nicholas: Only when we’re back in Austria, my boy. Tonight it’s me and you. Père Noël: I’d like to go somewhere

where, ’ow you say, ze people take off zeir shoes. Tour Guide: Karaoke at Wain Wain? Père Noël: [shrugging] For me, eet’s OK. Santa Claus: [swigging from a hip flask] Coca-freakin’-Cola. Father Christmas: I’ve a good mind to call you a corporate shill. Santa Claus: F-you, Johnny English. Père Noël: Fil-zee Ah-meri-cain. Ded Moroz: In my country, this Santa Clowz is illegal immigrant. He is also reason Stalin made me wear blue uniform when I was at Palace of Union. Come here, Santa Clowz. I finish you now. Same like Zangief in your famous Hollywood’s Streetfighter movie. Tour Guide: Enough of this. You lot are useless. I don’t know how any of you manage to deliver any presents. Except you, Black Peter – can I call you Pete? I like you. Anyway, the options are you can go to The Den or you can spend your last night in the hotel. If you’re coming, then bring enough money for a drink; you can’t stay in The Den and drink water all night. Right, get on the bus. Krampus: I hope there are some sleeping women at this Den.

They ﬁle onto their tour bus.

PHOTO: BSO/DAVE HOFFMANN

60 that’smags the 2005 Beijinger December 2009 Sept. www./ thatsbj.com

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PLA ...

PARTY LIKE A SCIENTIST Preliminary findings of an empirical study into metropolitan nightlife

BARS & CLUBS

by Jonathan White

ILLUSTRATIONS: JOEY GUO

60 thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;smags the 2005 Beijinger November 2009 Sept. www./ thatsbj.com

www.thebeijinger.com

PARTY LIKE A ...

The Spinster Diaries Memoirs of an aspiring DJ Jan 2, 2009

Dear Diary, tion and I shall see I have decided to become a DJ. This is my resolu break this cycle people other of lots seen ve it to completion. IÅ† put my superior of English teaching by doing it and I can finally ve got two whole hard drives full of iPod taste to good use. IÅ† music. What can possibly go wrong? Dear World, say hello to DJ Mixed Expat-ations

Jan 4, 2009

Dear Diary, IÅ† ve been to every bar in Sanlitun. ItÅ† s like a closed shop Å†IÅ† ve had very little luck indeed. I said to Mrs. DJ Mixed Expat-ations that IÅ† m not sure what I can do to get a break. She told me to hang on in there and maybe offer to work for free in order to practice. I posted my free DJ skills on thebeijinger.com. I got one response. Whoever WackDJKiller is, IÅ† m coming for you ...

Feb 16, 2009

m totally Dear Diary, s †a bar mitzvah. IÅ† t my first job. ItÅ Go . ers hat t, tha Take . rrow after the gig stoked. More tomo

Feb 17, 2009

Dear Diary, WhoÅ† s the man? IÅ† m assuming that this Pitbull is the man? ItÅ† s all the kids kept saying. ÅPlay † Pitbull, play Pitbull! Whaddya mean you donÅ† t got any?Å†I must redouble my effo rts and stay on top of the popular music scene. On the plus side, I can now refe r to myself as a DJ Å†and the mums liked my Neil Diamond.

Apr 30, 2009

onto Dear Diary, iTunes account and up. Got myself an t have no I l wil Things are looking ain ag ver Ne music e-mail lists. a new name: some weekly new ve also got myself anded. IÅ† dem † s itÅ en wh n reggaeto . The Sanlituntablist

Jul 21, 2009

Dear Diary, The Sanlituntablist has got hims elf a regular gig and an army of adoring student fans. I canÅ t† tell you where it is as Mrs . Sanlituntablist might read this. (I knew you were reading my diary. Stop it.)

Sep 7, 2009

Dec 13, 2009

Dear Diary, I accepted a job for NYE but then found out I need to be able to use a CD mixer. WTF? What am I gonna do?

Dec 16, 2009

Dear Diary, Stroke of genius Å†A trip home for Christmas and I dodge the inevitable emb arrassment of trying to Åmix † Å† CDs. Double plus: Get to see Mum.

Jan 7, 2010

Dear Diary, s† NothingÅ learning to mix CDs. This is the year of me her e I 100 p To ine gaz Ma . DJ gon na sto p me now come.

Feb 13, 2010

Dear Diary, Boom. Wikihow and a VPN to access YouTube. After watching tutorials on how to mix for three days straight, tonight is the night. Come on.

Feb 14, 2010

Dear Diary, Whoomp! There it is. Totally kicked ass on the decks. OK, it was only a bar full of frat boys but still. Go me.

May 1, 2010

Dear Diary, ItÅ† s been a while but thatÅ† s because I been making bank DJing day in, day out (well, four nights a week). The only downside is when this one ugly girl told me that I canÅ† t be a DJ if IÅ† ve not got ÅTrue † Love Never Dies.Å†

Jun 29, 2010

Dear Diary, a big local DJ. We got I was at a party and met was a DJ too. He starts to talking and I told him I records and I told him I my get I asking me where ll † at me blank and says heÅ made them myself. He looked more two with back es com He be back in a minute. d said. So I do. They what IÅ† guys and asks me to repeat of these other one n The . hing all laughed. Full-on laug he. FÅ†them douc a t a DJ but d-bags told me I wasnÅ† m done. vinyl Nazis. IÅ†

JULY 2010

IMAGE: JOEY GUO

Dear Diary, Someone asked me when I was in Jenny LouÅ† s ÅAre † you the DJ from thingio?ÅI† wanted to scream ÅYes, † yes, yesÅat † him but I played it cool. Only seven weeks of DJing one night a week and IÅ† m getting recognized. Super-stardom is surely just around the corner. Recognize.

PARTY LIKE A ... awardsV1.pdf 2011.3.21 5:27:54 PM

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awardsV2.pdf 2011.3.21 5:44:55 PM

2011.3.21 5:44:55 PM

UNAUTHORIZED, UNINFORMED AND UNDEFENDABLE by an anonymous nightlife blogger

Best Fusion

Paddy O’Kamat’s

C M

Best Italian

M Y Y CM

Aperitivo

CM MY MY CY

C M

Y CM

MY CY CY CMY

CMY K

The Tree

CM MY

CY CMY

Best Pizza

M Y

awardsV1.pdf 2011.3.21 5:27:54 PM CMY

CMY

awardsV1.pdf 2011.3.21 5:27:54 PM awardsV1.pdf 2011.3.21 5:27:54 PM

awardsV1.pdf 2011.3.21 5:27:54 PM

awardsV2.pdf 2011.3.21 5:44:55 PM

2011.3.21 5:44:55 PM

Nobody knew that anything went together like Caﬀrey’s and keema nan, Guinness and gulab jamun, and Bailey’s and butter chicken until they had a proper combination of two world cuisines: chips and curry sauce. Fusion at its ﬁnest.

awardsV2.pdf 2011.3.21 5:44:55 PM

One of the few Italian bars in Beijing, this Sanlitun stalwart has been knocking out Aperol-based cocktails since before some of the readers of beijingkids were parents. Thankfully, Aperitivo also serves bruschettas galore to get that weird taste out of your mouth.

We found this a particularly tough category to call. It had to be pizza from a bar, but then we realized that we only ate pizza at our desks; by the time we get out of the oﬃce, the pizza ovens have closed. We did the only fair thing to do in a vote and went for the one we remembered from when we used to go out.

Most Entertaining Family-Friendly 24-Hour Breakfast C C

Best Pies

M M

CY C

Y Y

Turay’s Africa House CMY M

K Y

CM CM

MY MY

The Den

Best Nuts

Great Leap Brewery

CMY CMY

K K

CMY

C Y

M CM

Y MY

CM CY MY

CMY CY

K CMY

Despite being upset in the “Best Pizza” category by The Tree, The Den canters away with this inaugural combination award. It’s worth staying in the bar for 24 straight hours if you can manage it. Start with a Den breakfast, watch the circle of life, and end with a Den breakfast. That’s living.

Everywhere has nuts. Some are strange and modern (not peanuts), some are noticeably cheap (peanuts) and some are a happy medium. The Great Leap Brewery knows how to make its customers thirst after those organic beers – chilli peanuts. Genius. For addresses of venues, see directory listings.

APRIL 2011

ILLUSTRATION: JOEY GUO

Pies are an ideal bar snack – they only require one hand so the other can concentrate on your martini (or, more likely in this hostelry, your can of Nigeria’s Star Lager). West African pasties cooked more authentically than other local stockists.

Party like a ...

TABLE OF CONTENTS The Fortunes and Misfortunes of a Young Rogue Upon His Soujourn in Peking by Jonathan White PART I: CONTAINING SCENES OF A MOSTLY FELICITOUS NATURE, IN WHICH THE HERO SETTLES INTO THE HABITS TRADITIONAL TO YOUNG PERSONS RESIDING ABROAD I. Containing as much of the Past of our Hero as is Necessary or Proper to acquaint the Reader with his Expectations upon Arrival in the Northern Capital. II. The Introduction of our Hero to the Capital’s Less-favored Districts. Locals proffer Warm, Long-necked Tsingtao. A glorious Summer spent Drinking at Plastic Tables on the Pavement. The rare Alchemy of the Aforementioned Tsingtao with Roasted Mutton both Highly Spiced and Skewer’d. III. The Odd Incidence of House Parties. An over-indulgence in Punch, spiked. Our Hero’s first Drunken Encounters with the valiant Knights of the Local Constabulary. IV. The notable Inadequacies of Language. An Initial Rash of Cultural Misunderstandings, abetted by Alcohol, and the Tall Tales thereof, as related to Friends and Family back home. V. Consisting of a Sketch of the Neighborhood of Gongti, where our Hero learns to his Chagrin of the Trapfalls of Things that do Glitter yet not Being Gold. VI. The remarkable Hospitality of The Den, a Hostelry where Man can be Fed and Watered at All Times, both Day and Night. VII.

A Memorable Foray into the Wilds of nocturnal Wudaokou and what Befell our Hero there. His encounter with Koreans in their Lush Habitat. The Humours and Dispositions of their Youth described. An account of the Women. Their multifarious Drinking Games described. A Night of Dissolution that ultimately renders our Hero as Oblivious to the Evening’s Misadventures as though he had Sipped from the Waters of Lethe.

VIII. A short Treatise on Alcohol Poisoning. IX. Wherein a Hospital is visited, Great Fears confessed, and Medical Advice duly dispensed along with the prediction of Dreadful Maladies, which May or May Not have been Blown out of all Proportion. PART II: CONTAINING THE MOST MEMORABLE SCENES FROM A MONTH OF THE TEETOTAL LIFE, WHEREIN NEW COMPATRIOTS ARE SOUGHT OUT AND SUNDRY SOBER PASTIMES ARE ATTEMPTED I. In which a Board Game Cafe finds much Favor with our Hero for its Innocent Entertainments. The Purchase of a VIP Card. A Too-Aggressive Invitation, made to a Stranger, to play at Rummikub. An awkward Denouement that renders the Continued Enjoyment of such Diversions a Stark Impossibility. II. An Excursion into the Hutongs of Peking, where our Hero must channel the Adventurous Spirit of both Aeneas and Odysseus, but not their Risks to Life and Limb, nor Acts of Derring-do, in an Attempt to Navigate a Safe Return from the Mazy Alleys. III. The Resolve of our Hero to remove himself from nocturnal Venues Cacophonous with Auto-Tune in favor of Partaking of the Live Performance of local Musical Troupes. IV. In which he is acquainted with the Tribe of Musical Gazetteers and Pamphleteers who throng the local Livehouses by Night and spend their Days upon the Web, arguing the Merits of their favored Troupes. V.

In which our Hero Resolves to try his Hand as a Satirist, reasoning that his Wit is no less Sound than his New Acquaintances.

VI. His subsequent and increasingly Violent War of Words, over many nights, with a prominent Online Diarist of the local Music Scene; with a Reprint of the Netizens’ Comments in full, including Impudent Speculation about Particulars of the Hero that Cannot Be Discussed in Polite Society. VII. A Peace finally Brokered but too Late to Sweeten the Souring of the Music Scene for our Hero. PART III: WHEN DRINK RETURNS UPON OUR HERO AND TAKES ITS HOLD 36

March 2012

PLA ...

PARTY LIKE A TOURIST Getting the rites of passage wrong by Jonathan White

Welcome to Beijing!

BARS & CLUBS

ded with me being 2pm on in the office that en ati ers nv ink co e th d rte back packers and dr “Tou rists? ” So sta tou rist, befriend some o a int as k r ec ve ch rco to de ing un tasked to go rks? By pretend ma my nd fi d to an e ing I go el my nerv with them. How am a bottle of gin to ste es olv inv n tio ara ep a youth hostel. My pr re for inspiration. watch ing Mrs. Doubtfi ves” on some kind 7.0 6pm ’re “fi nd ing themsel ey th at as th rs he ot l ma ny sleeping bags Youths in hostels tel seem just to share as et e me on I is es m on Sa e a. th t ing ’s Ru mspr of gap year. Bu version of the Am ish an ss me cla to leis dd th e mi tak me I so they ca n in e Trans-Siberian. it. He’s just “done” th ht’s his fi rst such character – a Br on ly rode on it. Tonig he s ain int ma he t bu in ends forever. that he robbed the tra e. M ine too. Best fri nc ide inc co a t ha W night in Beijing. e “pre-ga mi ng” 7.29pm rty. That is, if you lik pa to w ho ow kn re , but not as much as Sa m and his pa ls su lobby. Th is an noys me l ste ho I try a in tao ing e room. Despite th is, on longneck Ts mes” and jol lit y in th so y or we Gu “a or of y ce dd an Bu nd to the overabu listen intently d an s me ga ing lly ink dr veling is rea eyeto joi n in with their scr ibe how “li ke, tra de to pt em att -is e them out. whatever-h is-na me on ly in order to goug es ey my en op to nt 9. 34pm open ing.” I wa As I begi n to wond er how much mor e I ca n take with qu ist adors and their these cheerfu l conhostel-lou ng ing wa ys, there is a revelat in Buddy’s gu ideb ook there’s th is pl ion. Appa rent ly, ace ca lled Sa nl itu n bars and clubs. I re and it is chock-fu ll main stony-faced. of It won’t be the Sanl rather the Sa nl itu itu n n of lady ba rs and touts and scams. An that I enjoy but I know sees me? Ca d what if someone n I pass that off as coincidence ? I dr 9. 53pm in k faster. The ta xi dr iver do esn’t speak Engl ish , and I ca n’t let on Ch inese. Increasin that I ca n speak ta gly louder repetit io xi n of the words “b 10.0 8pm eer” and “bar.” To my disbelief, we end up at Powerh ouse. I ca me here ago. Years later, it’ it’ss sti ll the sa me: ro once, a long time ck music and telev beer and too man isions and over pr ice y lights. I wish I d could go next door di nner and ca lm to 10 01 Nights fo but no, to all appe r ar an trolleyed.” Th is is ces, I’m a tour ist m iserable. Luck ily fiendi ng to “get , Buddy and Sa m an more fu n to be ha d Guy th in k there’s d elsewhere and we decide to move on .

Beijing, Chin a

old p th is side of the biggest tour ist tra e 10.47pm re th fo ly ib Be ss h. po sc tsc – ki kit mp and nl itu n Lu ewhere between ca Here we are on Sa m ts so ge ll er fa rs Be . ba ne 12 yli e Sk o. Thes the fi rst one: in ’re we teahouse sw itchero p,” ea ch h. xy massage very as flash all too muc you ca n say “sex y se ta lk ing and ca mer p sto n’t wo y gu bought , Buddysam st count. And Red Moon? I’ve lo d an ne yli 2.17am Sk n ee ns Poachers, ve we visited betw h? Someone mentio tsc ki or How many bars ha p ’t m ca g in me.” (It also wasn those ba rs be ers is a rubbish na ch oa were the people in am “P I , at th gly in sis az ba I?) Am educated tel l them that, ca n but I veto it on the d, but I ca n ha rd ly ta lk of eit her th is en e’s ek er we th t d las an e t ou tim d lle pu ts open th is ge e in e. I sta rt wa lk ing a listings mag az n’t do th is anymor ca t listened to. But then jus I . re he ds My night en M ix or Vics place. deserve a ta xi. en ev n’t home – I do t sk iing becomes a 02 . Arou nd 4am. An argu ment abou g. in December 16 , 20 ez ing fre s It’ rs. The dr iver is laugh ve Poache the back of a ta xi. My friend and I lea at in re od G e blo th of to a se go a , then ng up to flur ry of head butts er. Beijing. We’re getti be in t p ea gh ni ch rst on fi y nd m is the wi like a man iac. Th is ’re th ree sheets to It’s all sm iles as we s. ur ho w fe a in Wall nt astic. Being a tour ist is fa

PHOTOS: SIMON LIM AND HALLA MOHIEDDEEN

! 你迎北京欢

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July 2009 / the Beijinger www. thatsbj.com Sept. 2005 73 that’smags

PLA ...

PARTY LIKE A YEAR IN BEIJING Covering the distance with the capital’s club scene by Jonathan White

F BARS & CLUBS

or seven years, Beijing’s nightlife scene had been limbering up for the Olympic Games. As 2008 began, publicans and patrons alike were feeling pre-meet nerves. A mixture of excitement and apprehension filled the air. Would the Games bring boom or bust? Who would live up to their own hype? Who would crumble under the weight of expectations? Now that the year is over, we know who came out as Usain Bolt, who dropped out like Liu Xiang, and who was sent home in shame. Here’s the rundown: On your marks … get set … GO: The run-up to the Games The bar scene came straight out of the blocks at the beginning of the year. Newcomers sprang up and became crowd favorites as they developed their own clientele (OT Lounge). Many more venues came into the running as the year progressed towards August. Old hands came up with new deals: the Saddle Cantina and its fiesta-filled outdoor deck, Huxley renovated a mechanic’s garage for fun in Tun, and Ai Wan crafted a shiny new ChinaDoll. It wasn’t all hijinks and hilarity, though. In April came the marshaling of Sanlitun, whereby many a familiar face was corralled to the gaolers and some pleasant but less than salubrious saloons found their doors closed for the last time as they were disqualified. This came as a reality check to the good times. Many worried that when the Olympics came along, all fun would have to be sanctioned …

Crossing the finish line: Post-Olympic slowdown? As might have been expected, some of the competitors got hamstrung and had to drop out. We lost some of the runners along the way but in a city as transient as this, did we not expect it? Reasons varied enormously. Old and new favorites (OT Lounge, Sunset Grill) are sorely missed – or otherwise (Pure Girl). Springing up to fill these voids are a slew of new spots such as Punk and Mesh in The Opposite House and Glen on Sanlitun Nanjie. Since the Games, promoters have got themselves back on track too, and we’ve all benefited from their events and the ace DJs they’ve been bringing in. If someone had told me at the start of the year that it would be spent sipping bubbly with Bosnians one night, seeing DJ Shadow the next and then chilling out in a bar with beds the night after, I would never have believed them.

Top speed: August 8-24, 2008 Time stood still, even as it accelerated. Fears that a 2am curfew would be imposed, that drunks would be “taken care of” by the police until sobriety returned and that rooftops would be no-go areas – it all came to nothing. Nothing could or would stop the revelry. The party came to town and that party hit the streets. Everyone was out and about, soaking up the atmosphere so much that ordinarily sensible folk could be found living fast. Many people spent a month in Sanlitun one night; why else would they head to The Den at 7am for a spot of breakfast? August 8 signaled a sprint of openings, some were successful, some less so. Club P was a case in point. On the plus side were the Brazilian staff and the champagne but it all seemed to falter as the Games went on. As you’d expect when victory is in sight, champagne was a key exponent of the month – Riviera’s pool parties were in full swing in the sunshine while the bigger boys battled it out for the celebrities at night. Stalking in the capital was at an all-time-high, from NBA stars at Bling to David Beckham at The Beach via Bunk from The Wire at ChinaDoll and the New Zealand rowing team at 2F. The best restraining orders were to be earned over at Club Bud, where those with long arms or pretty faces could get a grip of genuine medal winners like Michael Phelps. It wasn’t all in the VIP rooms, though. My personal favorite moment of the Olympics was challenging former track champion John Drummond to a drunken footrace around the streets of Sanlitun. Needless to say, he declined.

Post-sprint analysis: What’s next? 2008 is wrapped up and what are we left to show for it? Distant memories and hangovers from hell, for sure, but what else? Just this: We are lucky to be in a city that caters to all your nightlife needs any night of the week and keeps trying to improve. Whether you want to be ghetto-fabulous or simply ghetto, there’s someone working hard behind the scenes to bring it to you.

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PHOTOS: TBD

68 that’smags the 2005 Beijinger January 2009 Sept. www./ thatsbj.com

The best restraining orders were earned by those with long arms or pretty faces

PARTY LIKE A ...

ZODIAC HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK by Jonathan White

PHOTO UNAVAILABLE

RABBIT

DRAGON

SNAKE

HORSE

Motto: “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away” Voted most likely to: Get pregnant and married (but not in that order) Remember when … somebody oﬀered them a bite of Welsh rarebit and Rabbit punched them in the face? Hangouts: Aperitivo, Wain Wain

Motto: “Live fast, die young, eat a good-looking corpse” Voted most likely to: Succeed Remember when … Dragon punk’d all those guys from Western Zodiac High? Hangouts: Getting table service at Mix or Suzie Wong’s

Motto: “Dance as if no one’s watching, love as if you’ve never been hurt” Voted most likely to: Appear on Clubzone.cn Remember when … Snake charmed her way onto Blue Ocean Network? Hangouts: Xiu, Centro, Atmosphere, Touch

Motto: “Hey, hey, hey!” Voted most likely to: Be behind the bar pouring drinks – even if they don’t work there Remember when … Horse helped himself to a carry-out from champagne brunch? Hangouts: Lush, Propaganda

RAM

MONKEY

Motto: “No comment” Voted most likely to: Win a pub quiz on his own while drinking aged Scotch Remember when … Ram didn’t say a word for the ﬁrst four years? Hangouts: The Bookworm, Nearby the Tree, The Tree

Motto: “This is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S” Voted most likely to: Go on two dates in one night (after meeting them on TheBeijinger.com classiﬁeds) Remember when … Monkey climbed onto the roof of The Tree? Hangouts: Mix, then Vics, then 1F, then 2F, then …

PIG Motto: “A waist is a terrible thing to mind” Voted most likely to: Buy the next round pretending that it’s “one for the road.” It’s not. Remember when … Pig maxed out all her cards on her birthday? Hangouts: Fubar

FEBRUARY 2011

ROOSTER Motto: “It is better to be the head of a chicken than the rear end of an ox” Voted most likely to: Be the ﬁrst one on the stripper pole Remember when … Rooster used to wake everyone up? Hangouts: Chocolate, Latte

DOG Motto: “Four legs good, two legs bad” Voted most likely to: Live outside of the Fifth Ring Road Remember when … Dog started to wear glasses without lenses to appear more intelligent? Hangouts: The Den, Paddy O’Shea’s, The Stumble Inn, 1F

RAT

TIGER

Motto: “I have never let my schooling interfere with my education” Voted most likely to: Treat his staﬀ to cocktails while shouting at the fuwuyuan for poor service Remember when … Rat tried stand-up comedy? Hangouts: Suzie Wong’s, School, open mic nights

Motto: “Don’t run around like a headless chicken” Voted most likely to: Be found on a terrace if the weather allows it (even if other people tell them that it’s too cold) Remember when … Ox won that math prize for being outstanding in her ﬁeld? Hangouts: Apothecary, d Lounge, Q Bar

Motto: “IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING” Voted most likely to: Take on the Marines and Mongolians at armwrestling and then a drinking contest Remember when … Tiger ate all of that burger at Butcher’s Steakhouse and then did Fuel’s rib challenge after? Hangouts: The Stumble Inn, Mao Mao Chong, MAO Livehouse