ION Arizona #168

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THE ROCK

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NIGHT FOR LIFE

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T HE BILT MORE

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3819 North 3rd Street Suite 26, Phoenix, AZ 85012 (602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com ionarizona@me.com Publisher / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero ............................................ jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ..................................................... kbushaw@me.com Editor Deon Brown ................................................... ionazeditor@me.com COPY EDITOR .......................................................... Austin Head GRAPHIC DESIGNER ......................................... Angel Jimenez SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR ..................... Stacey Jay Cavaliere PRODUCTION & Artwork SUBMISSIONS

ionazproduction@me.com Advertising Sales Jack Tesorero ............................................................ (602) 750-1164

jacktesorero@me.com

Benjamin Neher .........................................................

ionazsales@me.com

Photographers:

Erik Bryant Fernando Hernandez Scotty Kirby

Brian Cramer Franklin Diaz Sean Kapera

National Advertising Representative Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 ContributORS:

Stacey Jay Cavaliere Addison DeWitt C. Edwards Ted Kirby

Peter Lora Benjamin Neher Paul Sanchez Miss Tiger

Published monthly by

1995-2015: 20 Years of Design and Creative Excellence Š 2015 JMT Designs, Inc.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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Explore Arizona Get out of town!

A

Avenue and you may notice it even smells like the ‘70s. No visit is complete without a fabulous night at IBT’s.

Check out their new restaurant two doors away and they’ll deliver to you at the bar. Tucson knows how to party!

fter an amazing spring, Valley dwellers know the inevitable is coming: Heat. But while many choose the West Coast as their escape, cooler weather is right under our nose here in Arizona.

Bisbee

Just three hours from Phoenix and 90 minutes from Tucson is the state’s friendliest city: Bisbee. This is a “must-see” destination full of galleries, restaurants, stores and pubs. Many of you will be traveling to this old copper town June 18-21 for Bisbee Pride. I guarantee that when you visit Bisbee once, you’ll want to go back.

Flagstaff

Explore the cool pine country of Flagstaff, just two hours north. While it’s a winter wonderland for half the year, it’s paradise the other half. This town is full of charm and character. If you’re visiting for Pride in the Pines during June 27-28, you owe it to yourself to go to Arizona Snowbowl and ride the chairlift to the top where you will get a 360º view of northern Arizona.

Sedona

Voted one of the top ten “Most Beautiful Place in America” by USA Weekend. One visit and you’ll know why. Red mountains stand in the middle of groves of lush, green trees. Sedona boasts a quaint downtown with galleries galore. While Sedona/Verde Valley Pride isn’t until September, visit now to explore all Sedona has to offer.

Scottsdale

Yes, some of you Phoenicians need to leave your comfort zone and travel all the way to Scottsdale. There’s a lot to do and see from all the shops and galleries and restaurants in Old Town to the shopping experience at Fashion Square. Come stay for the weekend at Gay Days AZ and don’t miss ION’s Summer Splash Bash Monsoon Party on Sunday June 21. Sunday presale tickets half off now or free with a room reservation. Go to GayDaysAZ.com

The AZ Terrain

Between all of these unique Arizona towns are thousands of acres of trails, rivers, lakes and mountains. No other group knows how to explore the back trails of Arizona like the Cactus 4 Wheelers.

They’re always looking for new passengers and trucks. You’ll see Arizona in a new light. Check out their Facebook page for some great photos and information.

There are a lot of other small cities and towns in the state. Get out of the heat and enjoy all this beautiful state has to offer.

Tucson

Our sister city to the south reminds me of what Arizona was like at the turn of the century and again in the ‘70s. One visit to Hotel Congress and you’ll feel like you stepped back in time. Walk down Fourth 16

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Jack Tesorero Arizona Explorer

FITNESS UPDATE! In 3 weeks I’ve already lost 15 lbs. Amazing!

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2nd year anniversary

STACY’S ON MELROSE

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Bisbee Pride

You’ll be welcomed with open arms in Bisbee! What better time to go than during Bisbee Pride? Sherry Vine, Venus deMars, Mink Stole and Pandora DeStrange with the AZ Gender Outlaws keep the good times rolling in addition to Bisbee Ghost Tours, an Art Fair, a Lingerie bar crawl and more starting Thursday, June 18 to Sunday, June 21. See the ION feature on pp. 66-71 and check out BisbeePride.com for more information.

Summer Jam with Siya at AQUA

It’s summertime! Time to jam out with your clam out, grrrls! This is the biggest hip-hop party of the season! Don’t miss it! Meet Siya, part the next generation of female hip-hop artists and breakout star of the series “Sisterhood of Hip-Hop” as seen on the Oxygen network. Get down on Friday, June 19 for the Siya plus VIP, meet ‘n’ greet & bottle service available at AQUA Nightclub, 1738 E. McDowell Rd. (See ad p. 19)

Gay Days AZ & Summer Splash Bash

It’s time to soak up the Arizona sun and party! You have our permission! This year Gay Days Arizona heats up the summer with more parties than ever on Friday and Saturday, June 19 & 20. As a bonus, you won’t want to miss the ION Arizona Summer Splash Bash with the Sunday Monsoon Party on June 21. It’s all at the Saguaro Scottsdale, 4000 N. Drinkwater Blvd. For more info and tickets visit GayDaysAZ. com or IONAZ.com (See ads on pp. 76 & 77)

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Twisted Peacock Grand Reopening!

Everybody’s back at the Twisted Peacock, struttin’ their tailfeathers!

Join in the fun on Friday, June 26 at 10 p.m. when they’ll be serving up drink specials. Those sexy Peacock Boys will be spinning on the brass pole all night. Plus, expect special guest hosts, too!

Don’t forget Mia Adams “Fancy Feathered Follies” every Sunday night at 8 p.m. 3108 E. McDowell Rd. Check out TheTwistedPeacockAZ.com (See ads on pp. 6-7)

Miss Gay Arizona America Pageant The glamour! The glitter! It’s here! You won’t want to miss the excitement of the Miss Gay Arizona America Pageant, celebrating 30 years of excellence. The competition begins Saturday, June 27, 8 p.m. at The Rock with the pageant on Sunday, June 28 at 5 p.m. at Phoenix Theatre, 100 E. McDowell Rd. Start the party at Kobalt, and after the party head over to Charlie’s to celebrate! Visit MissGayArizonaAmerica for details.

June 2015 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE

Sundays 5 11 11 12 19 18-21 19-20 19-21 20 20 20 26-28 26 27 28 28

Splash ‘n’ Sizzle BBQ Pool Party FLEX Spas Phoenix Dark Cabaret Palazzo Nightclub Phoenix Throwback Thursday Kobalt Phoenix Back to the 80s Roscoe’s Phoenix Red Light Party The Rock Phoenix Summer Jam with SIYA AQUA Phoenix Bisbee Pride Bisbee Customer Appreciation Party Dick’s Cabaret Phoenix Gay Days AZ & Summer Splash BashSaguaro Hotel Scottsdale Pride Gala Scottsdale Hilton Resort Scottsdale Skin Tight Beach Party Karamba Phoenix Beach Party BS West Scottsdale Flagstaff Pride Thorpe Park Flagstaff Freaky AZZ Grand Reopening Party Twisted Peacock Phoenix Grand Ole Opry Charlie’s Phoenix Pre-Pageant Hangout Kobalt Phoenix Miss Gay Arizona America Pageant Phoenix Theatre Phoenix

EVENT

LOCATION

CITY

3 3 4 4

Carnaval Latino Bearracuda Fourth of July Party Military Party

CLUB DWNTWN The Rock Karamba BS West

Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Scottsdale

JULY

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CELIA PUTTY’S FREAKY FRIDAY

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PLAZMA

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Carnaval Latino Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Step right up! You won’t want to miss the greatest show on earth! It’s better than the circus! It’s Carnaval Latino, hosted by Diamond Dallas! Dance all night to the best hip-hop, Latin, pop and dance music! Get a lap dance from one of the sexy go-go boys! Superstars from RuPaul’s Drag Race, Roxxxy Andrews and Alyssa Edwards will be performing live, on Friday, July 3 at CLUB DWNTWN at 702 N. Central Ave.

JUNE 2015 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE

TIME LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S)

Thursday 4

8:00pm

Thursday 25 9:00pm Saturdy 27

8:00pm

The Rock

Miss Gay Arizona America Pageant Pre-Show

Sunday 28

5:00pm

Phoenix Theatre

Miss Gay Arizona America Pageant

Mondays

7:30pm

Apollo’s

Drag Race Viewing Party with Clayton

Mondays

7:00pm

Kobalt

Drag Race Viewing Party

Mondays

10:00pm Charlie’s

Claudia B Hosts Nearly Nekkid Men

Mondays

10:00pm The Rock

Barbra Seville’s Drag Race

Tuesday

10:00pm Karamba

Savannah Moussier’s Show

Tuesdays

9:00pm

Stars Choice Talent Showcase

BS West

Wednesdays 9:00pm

IBT’s

Viva La DIVA

Wednesdays 9:00pm

Kobalt

Garden Variety Revue with Olivia Gardens

Wednesdays 10:30pm Karamba

Karamba Girls - Adriana Galiano & Karime Lizaldi

Wednesdays 10:00pm Charlie’s

Nevaeh’s High Heels & Halos

Thursdays

10:30pm Karamba

Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds

Fridays

10:30pn

Fabulous Fridays with Regina Gazelle & Nikki Knowles

Cruisin’ 7th

Fridays

10:30

The Rock

Special Event Rotating Drag Shows

Fridays

9:00pm

Plazma

Freaky Fridays with Celia Putty

Fridays

9:00pm

IBT’s

Absolutely Flawless with China Collins

Fridays

9:00pm

BS West

Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers

Fridays

10:00pm OZ

2nd Saturday 9:30pm

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Orpheum Theatre Bianca Del Rio’s Rolodex of Hate Twisted Peacock Throw Back Thursday with Coco St. James & Celia Putty

Kobalt

Classy Corona & The Go Go Boys Celia Putty

Saturdays

7pm

OZ Bar

Classy Corona & Go-Go Boys

Saturdays

9:00pm

IBT’s

Starrletts with Janee Star

Saturdays

10:30pm Cruisin’ 7th

The Fabulous Mia Inez Adams

Saturdays

10:00pm The Rock

The Barbra Seville Show

Saturdays

9:30pm

Charlie’s

Pussy’s Patio Show

Sundays

8:30pm

Charlie’s

Pussy LeHoot & Friends

Sundays

10:30pm Karamba

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Diamond’s Show

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IMPERIAL COURT OF AZ Coronation X

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C ro w ne P laza P hoeni x A irport

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Angels

in America W

The messenger comes.

The great work begins.

hen it made its American debut in 1993, Tony Kushner’s epic play Angels In America changed theatre. Done in two parts, Millennium Approaches (part 1) and Perestroika (part 2), noted by many

as the most important play of the 20th Century, Angels In America is nothing short of a masterpiece.

Nearly Naked Theatre has taken on the monumental task of doing both plays at the same time and performing them in rep (on alternating nights and weekends).

Two plays, it follows the lives of two very different, but equally troubled couples as they navigate their way through the early years of the AIDS epidemic in 1980s New York.

This is not an AIDS play; it’s a political play dealing with the politics of the time, and how, through Reaganism and its reaction to the crisis, America very nearly lost its soul. What could save it? A lone victim of the disease, who may or may not be an angelhearing prophet, fights for his life, his love, and even his sanity as he wrestles with his and America’s demons– er–angels.

Director Damon Dering discussed how he plans to stage the epic show. “It’s certainly challenging,” he says, “The plays are telling one story, but in very different ways.

Kushner says you can do the play conceptually, finding ways to do all the ‘stage magic,’ or it can be done very realistically, like Broadway or the HBO mini-series. The conceptual way is a lot more fun for actors and for me, so that’s what we went with.

Kushner says Part 2 should be directed and acted like a comedy, and let the gravitas come from the situation, not the intent. It’s clear why people leave seeing Angels feeling great, even though the

subject matter would seem sad.”

Angels in America opens June 6 with Part One the first week and Part Two the second week. There are three opportunities to see it all in one day, by going to matinees of Part One and evenings of Part 2 on Saturday, June 13, Sunday, June 14 and Saturday, June 20. Be advised that the show contains strong language, adult themes and nudity–as well as a fairly sound bashing of conservative politics.

For tickets, go to NearlyNakedTheatre.org.

FIRST KISS (pictured left) Louis (Mike Largent) gives repressed Mormon man Joe (Thomas Hicks) his first gay kiss, as Joe finally admits what he has spent a lifetime denying.

THE PROPHET AWAKENS (pictured top) Prior (Drew Swaine, left) tells Belize (Raheem De’Angelo) that he believes he is seeing angels and visions from Heaven.

MY LIFE NOW (pictured center) Nurse Emily (Brandi Bigley) examines Prior (Drew Swaine) as he quickly realizes that he may never be well again.

LOOK AT ME! (pictured bottom) Harper (Vickie Hall) confronts her husband Joe (Thomas Hicks) about his homosexuality, as both of them fail to see what’s been right in front of them their whole marriage.

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One Man, Two Guvnors Picture it. Brighton. 1963. The easily confused Francis Henshall (starring the brilliant Ron May, artistic director of Stray Cat Theatre) is separately employed by two men: a local gangster and an upper class criminal.

Madcap hilarity ensues with mistaken identities, disguises, assumed identities and chaos in general, especially when the audience is recruited. Presented now through June 14 at Phoenix Theatre, 100 E. McDowell Rd. For tickets queue up at PhoenixTheatre.com or call 602-251-2151

Gene Moore & Maryanne Marttini Phoenix’s very own stand-up comedians will tickle your funny bones with their take on everything gay, straight and always just slightly warped. Catch Gene Moore in TUCSON: Tuesday, June 2, at 8 p.m. at The Think Tank, UofA Bear Down Gym, 1428 E. University. ● GOODYEAR: Saturday, June 6, 8 p.m. “Dry Heat Comedy Show” at Goodyear Park, 3151 N. Litchfield Rd. See Maryanne Marttini in the “Funniest Person with a Day Job” contest Tuesday, June 16 at House of Comedy, 5350 High Street in Phx. AZhouseofcomedy.net

JUNE 2015 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE EVENT COMPANY PHONE 2 Gene Moore Think Tank - Bear Down Gym, UofA - Tucson 5-6 Adult Puppet Slam Great AZ Puppet Theatre - Phx 602-262-2050 5-6 Michael McDonald StandUp Live - Phx 480-719-6100 5-14 Doubt Mesa Encore Theatre 480-644-6500 6 Dry Heat Comedy Show Goodyear Park none 6 Capt. Jack’s Space Attack Space 55 Space55.org 6-20 Angels in America Nearly Naked Theatre - Phx 602-254-2151 thru 7 Phantom of the Opera ASU Gammage - Tempe 480-965-3434 thru 14 One Man, Two Guvnors Phoenix Theatre 602-251-2151 11-14 Michael Ian Black Tempe Improv 602-921-9877 12-14 John Witherspoon StandUp Live - Phoenix 480-719-6100 12-27 An Almost Holy Picture ITheatre Collaborative - Phx 602-307-1071 13-27 7 Minutes in Heaven Space 55 - Phx Space55.org 16 Funniest Person with a Day Job House of Comedy - Phx 480-420-3553 thru 21 Disney’s The Little Mermaid AZ B’way Theatre - Peoria 623-776-8400

n/a

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Active Child The ethereal, other worldly, countertenor voice of electronic music artist Pat Grossi who performs the magic behind “Active Child” will transport you far away. His first album, “You Are All I See” was a critical success. “Mercy” will be released this month. Catch him on Thursday, June 4 at Crescent Ballroom 308 N. 2nd Ave. in Phoenix. Get tickets at TicketFLy.com or CrescentPHX.com or call 877-435-9849 or 602-716-2222

Salt-N-Pepa

“Ooh baby, baby! Ooh baby, baby!” Cheryl James is “Salt.” Sandra Denton is “Pepa.” And they’re gonna push it. Push it good. Push it. Push it real good on Friday, June 19 at Celebrity Theatre, 440 N. 32nd St. in Phoenix.

For tickets push it real good at CelebrityTheatre.com or call 602-267-1600. Just the two girls. Looks like DJ Spinderella couldn’t make it. Sorry!

True Colors: Season Finale “True Colors” is the last concert of the season for the Phoenix Metropolitan Men’s Chorus, featuring a 10-piece ensemble & the Omaggio Youth Chorus. The Phoenix Metropolitan Men’s Chorus explores the diversity and beauty of the LGBT community along with the complexities surrounding gay and lesbian identity. Hey, it’s a small world after all! See them perform on Saturday, June 20 at 7 p.m. at the Orpheum Theatre, 203 W. Adams St. For more information visit PhoenixMenChorus.org

JUNE 2015 ION Concert Calendar DATE 2 3 4 4 5 13 14 18 19 19 20 23 26 27 JULY 1 3

ARTIST LOCATION Gipsy Kings Comerica Theatre - Phoenix Gipsy Kings Rialto Theatre - Tucson Brad Paisley Ak-Chin Pavilion - Phoenix Active Child Crescent Ballroom - Phoenix Wynonna Judd Celebrity Theatre Aerosmith Gila River Arena - Glendale Peter Frampton & Cheap Trick Talking Stick Resort - Scottsdale Tim McGraw Ak-Chin Pavilion - Phoenix Salt N Pepa Celebrity Theatre Tears for Fears Wild Horse Pass - Chandler Air Supply Wild Horse Pass Casino - Chandler Vans Warped Tour Quail Run Park - Mesa Three Dog Night Wild Horse Pass - Chandler Masters of Funk Tucson Music Hall - Tucson

PHONE 800-745-3000 520-740-1000.

800-745-3000 602-716-2222 602-267-1600 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 602-267-1600 877-840-0457 877-840-0457 VansWarpedTour.com 877-840-0457 800-501-9983

Nickelback Ak-Chin Pavilion - Phoenix Rockstar Energy Mayhem Ak-Chin Pavilion - Phoenix

800-745-3000 800-745-3000

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Aural Fixation

by Peter Lora pintelonegro@gmail.com

Roisin Murphy

– Hairless Toys In a way, Roisin Murphy is the Lady GaGa that never happened: an avantgarde approach to dress, an esoteric approach to electronic music and the regality of a future pop sovereign. Despite overwhelming European and underground U.S. success with her sophomore release, 2007’s Overpowered, Murphy has remained largely unknown. The unwalked road of acclaim for Murphy is her greatest asset. Her new release Hairless Toys, sees Murphy more innovative than ever.

Even with sometimes indecipherable contexts and lyrical content, danceability is always Murphy’s M.O.. “Gone Fishing” is a track that Murphy says she envisioned as “almost as a song from a Broadway musical version of the iconic documentary Paris is Burning.” With Evil Eyes she does her best impression of Michael Jackson’s “Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough” Nearly 10 minutes long, “Exploitation” is undeniably sexy as Murphy asks, “Who, who’s exploiting who?” Sparse and simple at first with its Giorgio Moroder-esque “I Feel Love” metronomic beat, it gets more whimsical and intense as it continues.

The payoff is at “House of Glass”- a disco declaration where Murphy champions the disenfranchised with, “People like us from broken homes never throw stones, leave us alone”. Available Now

Conchita Wurst – Conchita

Over a year ago, Conchita Wurst won the the Eurovision song contest with her inspirational ballad “Rise Like a Phoenix.” Instantly Europe was ablaze with her on-stage persona; full drag and a neatly trimmed beard. Instead of releasing an album hot on the heels of her win, Wurst has taken the year to create Conchita, an eponymous debut album of entirely original material.

Conchita’s Eurovision winning song, “Rise Like a Phoenix” is pure James Bond; the virtuosic song feels like Adele’s “Skyfall” and by the end it’s Shirley Bassey’s “Goldfinger” with is orchestral flourishes and minor chord progressions. Ballads‑there are plenty, with “Pure” and “Heroes.” Most of them are typical and somewhat boring. It’s not a failure in delivery because Wurst is a diva in every sense of the word. Her range and vocal ability rivals all of the pseudo-classical crooners Groban, Church, Bocelli and a sometimes bored Celine.

Mid-album Conchita evokes Sarah Brightman’s Middle Eastern harem-style music with “Out of Body Experience” and “Colours of Your Love,” The hit of the album, going from a typical ballad to a better version of RiRi’s “Where Have You Been?” with its Eastern inspired dance breakdown and innovative vocal effects.

Available Now

THE DL SONGS TO DOWNLOAD ARTIST - “SONG” Janelle Monae – “Yoga” Taylor Swift – “Bad Blood” fT. Kendrick Lamar AlunaGeorge – “You Know You Like It” Florence + the Machine – “Delilah” BORNS – “Electric Love”

ARTIST - “SONG” Tame Impala – “Eventually” Tanlines – “Pieces” Gigamesh – “The Music” My Brightest Diamond – “Say What” Britney Spears – “Pretty Girls” feat. Iggy Azalea June 2015 www.IONAZ.com 37

pookie’s 20th anniversary

ROSCOES

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ionazeditor@me.com

Brit Wits

ionazeditor@me.com

Mortdecai (2015) Starring: Johnny Depp, Gwyneth Paltrow, Paul Bettany, Ewan MacGregor This box office disaster reaped $10 million in theaters worldwide while the budget was $60 million, earning it the distinction of being in the “Top 20 All-Time Worst Openings.” They better sell a lot of DVDs to make up the difference.

I really wanted to hate Mortdecai– but I honestly didn’t. Despite a few shortcomings, it’s perfectly entertaining. Isn’t that really what it’s all about, Alfie?

Available now on DVD, $19.98 MSRP, + NetFlix, Redbox, iTunes

★★★☆☆

Hello, Ladies

(20132014) Starring: Steven Merchant, Christine Woods, Nate Torrence, Kevin Weisman

There’s a Stuart Pritchard in everybody’s life: the frenemy you just can’t shake.

Lonelyheart web designer Pritchard moved from England to El Lay for one reason only: to pick up chicks. Lots of them. His gawky, awkwardness and downright obnoxious The plot: Fey British personality make him his own worst enemy. aristocrat and effete upper-crust grifter Well, and everybody else’s. His posse Charlie Mortdecai (Depp) owes Her Majesty includes the pudgy, needy, Wade (Torrence) a lot of money. To repay the debt, his art and the lecherous, wheelchair-bound Kives expertise is enlisted to retrieve a stolen (Weisman), who’s physical challenges don’t masterpiece containing the code to a Swiss prevent him from getting plenty of poontang. bank account filled with Nazi plunder.

Jessica Vanderhoff (Woods), a struggling actress, rents a room from Stuart. Single The picture is reminiscent of the screwball life, fitting in and crushing loneliness are laid comedies of the 1930s and recalls Blake bare.

Edwards’ legendary Pink Panther comedies (without the guileless charm of Peter For all of gawky Stuart’s shortcomings, he Sellers’ bumbling Clouseau), a little Austin always comes through in the end for his Powers and a dash of the board game friends‑and himself‑as a truly decent person.

“Clue.” It just tries a little too hard. Depp’s Until he screws everything up all over again. chameleon-like characterization seem like Like trying to pick up girls in a gay bar. a plea for attention. Still, his Chaplin-esque physical comedy & grace (see him in Benny The complete, 3-disc, eight-episode HBO and Joon, 1993) truly shines. series includes the movie finale, sewing everything up.

Suspending all that film critique claptrap, Mortdecai is an amusing comedy, especially Available now on DVD, $29.98 MSRP the scenes pairing Depp and Bettany. Bony Paltrow’s role reads as an afterthought.

Based on a series of mystery novels, Depp lobbied to make the film.

Who exactly the studio thought the audience would be is anybody’s guess.

★★★★☆

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Summer Cinema

ionazeditor@me.com

The studios are popping out summer blockbusters faster than Branjelina can adopt. This month we get the first crop of summer featuring the irritating bromosexuals from HBO’s long gone Entourage. (Too late?) Dinosaurs have a taste for teens and Chris Pratt is hotter than ever. Eden was a Sundance favorite.

Magic Mike XXL promises flesh for fantasy. Let’s just hope it’s more interesting than the first one. But do you really care? C’mon!

Entourage

Starring: Adrien Grenier, Jeremy Piven, Billy Bob Thornton Catch up with dreamy movie star Vincent Chase, (Grenier, “Drive Me Crazy”) and his coattail-riding gang of obnoxious, loser, fuck-ups from Queens who he calls “friends.” His agent, the monstrous egomaniac Ari Gold (the brilliant Piven, Mr. Selfridge) bankrolls Chase’s debut as a director. The popular HBO series ended in 2010; does anybody even still care who these people are anymore? 30 cameo appearances, including George Takei.

Opens June 3

Jurassic World

Starring: Chris Pratt, Judy Greer Since the scaly, cold-blooded, pre-historic wonderworld Jurassic Park opened 22 years ago, things have been going downhill with declining visitors. Guess what? A new Sea World-esque attraction opens to attract

the public! It’s no surprise when things go wrong.

Terribly, terribly wrong.

Lesson learned: don’t make fun of a dinosaur with tiny arms.

Opens June 12

Eden

Starring: a bunch of French people Circuit queens and fans of EDM will appreciate this thoughtful, critically acclaimed film of the French electronic music scene of the 1990s. Paul, a teenager, and his friends dive into la vie Parisienne of screwy house parties, raves and underground clubs with sex, drugs and lots of “thumpa-thumpa” music featuring Daft Punk’s Guy-Manuel de Homem-Christo and Thomas Bangalter.

Opens June 19

Magic Mike XXL

Starring: Channing Tatum, Matt Bomer, Joe Manganiello, Elizabeth Banks Get ready for theaters filled with sexually frustrated women in their 50s, and lots of tittering gay men. The bump ‘n’ grind sensations, the Kings of Tampa, decide to retire their Chippendale collars ‘n’ cuffs. But wait! Not before one final lap dance: at a male stripper convention in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. High Point: Big Dick Richie (Magnaniello, True Blood) humps a Pepsi machine in a convenience store.

Opens July 1

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Squid Ink

Sushi at CityScape

P

erhaps no cuisine offered here in America is quite as polarizing for the general United States public in large as sushi. Well, that and pickled pigs feet.

Some people love it; there’s others who hate it. On occasion you can find some common meeting ground. Not always, but sometimes.

Sushi has an extremely long, venerable history from Japan, obviously. In general, the contemporary, internationally recognized version of what we know as sushi today was created by Hanaya Yohei at the end of the Edo period, around the mid-19th century. So not all that long ago.

Of course, there’s all kinds of sub-genres that experts recognize: Chirashizushi, Inarizushi, Makizushi, Narezushi and on and on. But what we generally think of sushi is cooked vinegared rice, combined with seafood (often raw, sometimes cooked) and vegetables. Specialty sushi has also been created especially to appeal to the Western palate. Because, believe me, if you don’t like pickled pig’s feet here in America, there’s some hardcore specialty dishes that’ll send you running.

airy spaciousness with a modern sensibility.

No, you won’t hear the irritating “plink, plink, plink” of the Japanese shamisen guitar/ banjo-thing, but perhaps a DJ laying down some hot tracks. The servers, bartenders and staff are friendly, knowledgeable and willing to help you navigate the Hokusai-like Japanese waters of sushi. And ramen. And rice bowls. We chose the sushi route, opting for the not-so-traditional House Rolls, with over 15 different ones to choose from, a twist in each one’s preparation.

Our favorite: Tahoe – the soft-shell crab, avocado, spicy crab, sweet masago and eel sauces, topped with crushed macadamia nuts made this a standout, especially texturewise.

Dirty Rockstar: this roll features spicy tuna plus bigeye tuna, combined with avocado, a bit of habanero chili, fresh jalapeño, sweet chili sauce and spicy aioli. The chili isn’t overwhelming, adding an unexpected piquant boost to the roll.

Fortunately, the locally owned, hip, trendy Squid Ink Sushi Bar operates three locations in the Valley: Scottsdale, Peoria, and in downtown Phoenix at CityScape, where we visited. At Squid Ink, the brainchild of local chef Schuyler Estes, each venue has it’s own vibe and flair, but you can expect June 2015 www.IONAZ.com 45

Flying Phoenix: If the “floppy” nature that can accompany sushi is an issue for you, you’ll like this, with shrimp tempura, spicy crab, avocado, firm tuna tataki and a black pepper sauce.

Seafood Dynamite: Such a disappointment. On paper it sounded good–spicy crab, cucumber, bigeye tuna, salmon, yellowtail, broiled scallops with eel sauce and lemon zest. The scallops

proved tough and the whole roll just seemed hard and lacking in the delicate elements that should be in all sushi. A real “miss.”

The House Rolls are $14 on the average. The traditional sushi rolls range from $7 to $13.

You get about eight to ten pieces per roll. Squid Ink also offers New Style Sashimi and assorted sushi and sashimi platters–chef’s choice.

Based on a couple of enthusiastic recommendations and feeling adventurous, we tried Squid Ink’s Duck Confit, traditionally a French classic. They offer

a slow cooked leg and thigh of duck, wherein all the fat is rendered–perfect–and cracklins, (always a plus), pickled veggies, scallions and rice for a Japanese flair. Still, all-in-all, the dish seemed misplaced here at Squid Ink, and left us flat, especially with the $12 price tag.

A variety of contemporary Asian fusion dishes populate the menu, including Yakitori, soups and salads. Squid ink also has lunch specials from 11 a.m.-2 p.m., with reduced rice bowls, lunch and sashimi platters, as well as Happy Hour pricing in select sushi. Fortunately, several dishes will appeal to those who adamantly refuse to eat sushi, and even classics like the always pricey Filet Mignon for $23.

Of course, Squid Ink has a traditional bar, but additionally they have a clever menu with Signature Cocktails with names like

“Tune In Tokyo” and “Shiso Happens” that are fun to try. They also offer several different Sake Flights that are sure to complement your Asian adventure. Happy Hour is daily from 3 - 7 p.m. for select cocktails, wines and beers.

Downtown Phoenix isn’t downtown Tokyo, but it’s delightful to sit at the misted bar outdoors at Squid Ink while you enjoy some cocktails and have a cool summer meal of sushi while you watch the world go by as our downtown scene grows. A big plus is that you don’t have to worry about Godzilla attacking the city, either.

Central Ave. & Jefferson in CityScape 602-258-0510 SquidInkSushi.com

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ION Weddings

The perfect wedding starts here! chocolate fountain A Time for Chocolate (602) 628-0390 ATimeForChocolate.com event planning Events by Danielle

(602) 405-6832

Florists PJ FLOWERS & EVENTS (602) 995-4999 7828 N. 19th Ave, #12, Phoenix Gift registries Macy’s Biltmore (602) 468-2100 2410 E. Camelback Road, Phoenix MACY’S FASHION SQ. (480) 840-0333 7014 East Camelback Road, Scottsdale Jewelers Cornelis Hollander (480) 423-5000 4151 N Marshall Way, Scottsdale DIAMOND JIM’S 6005 N 16th St, Phoenix (602) 466-1772 10001 W. Bell Rd, Sun City (602) 977-2299 hotel Wyndham Garden Inn (602) 604-4906 3600 N. 2nd Ave, Phoenix photographers Scotty Kirby ScottyKirby.com

(480) 369-4529

Fernando Hernandez (602) 622-4792 NightFuse.com Franklin Diaz

(602) 214-4019

photo booths Crazy Shotz CrazyShotz.com

(602) 487-7066

NO FUSS PHOTO BOOTH (480) 766-0349 NoFussPhotoBooths.com Officiants Kevin Bushaw

(602) 369-6680

Richard Stevens

(602) 486-6996

tuxedos Rose Tuxedo (602) 957-0089 4031 North 24th Street, Suite C, Phoenix, To have your business listed here, call Jack Tesorero at (602) 750-1164 June 2015 www.IONAZ.com 53

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Photography by Scotty Kirby Direction & Art by Kevin Bushaw Text by Deon Brown.

Models Mark Surabian & Tanner Cordell are joined by Dante, of the Wild Men of the West.

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Stay hydrated with a Camelbak!

Tank & Plaid Shirt available at Macy’s Biltmore.

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Flagstaff Pride Party with the LGBT Lumberjacks at Thorpe Park, in Flagstaff, June 26-28. Entertainment by Kristine W, Neon Hitch and party at Collins Irish Pub with RuPaul’s Drag Race alum Manila Luzon performing with Aimee V. Justice. Don’t miss the Afterhours Dance Party and Sunday Brunch at Monsoon. For more info & tix go to FlagstaffPride.org

Monsoon A Pan-Asian gem of a restaurant in downtown Flagstaff, this place is a favorite of both locals and tourists alike. Great sushi, and a wide selection of noodles, stir-fry, and other dishes makes Monsoon perfect for everyone. Monsoon is a sponsor of Flagstaff Pride.

6 E. Aspen Ave. #100 Flagstaff, AZ 928-226-8844

Reach New Heights at Snowbowl!

Snowbowl? In the summer? Sure! Leave the skis at home & come enjoy the scenic Chairlift Ride and enjoy the panoramic view of the majestic San Francisco Peaks. Stay at the Ski Lift Lodge & Cabins. Summer specials available for lodging and chairlift passes.

9300 N. Snowbowl Rd. 928-779-1951 x 109. Visit ArizonaSnowbowl.com for more information.

WHYLD ASS Discover the WHYLD ASS coffee/tea house and eatery. Get your morning jolt of java from the rootin’-tootin’ lovable Ryan while Keith rustles up some fine vegan and vegetarian vittles and pastries for breakfast, lunch and dinner. 100% organic, plant based, GMO free, and made from scratch with extra 100% genuine, pure love. Probably the best place on Earth.

101 San Francisco St. 928-774-3523 WHYLDASS.com 60

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Before you get to the Old Pueblo, don’t forget to feed the Lorikeets and the Ostriches at Rooster Cogburn Ostrich Ranch near Picacho Peak. Corny? Yes. So worth it!

The great outdoors aren’t far from anywhere in Tucson. Hike through the majestic Sabino and Bear Canyon trails in the Coronado National Forest in the Santa Catalina Mountains. Consider a hike or 4-wheeling it through Reddington Pass. (We hear there are freshwater pools where nudists unofficially hang out. You didn’t hear it from us.) Cool down on a day trip to Mt. Lemmon. The tiny town of Summerhaven has cabins to rent for a romantic getaway.

Venture further afield and visit the Pima Air & Space Museum and the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum. Check out the heavens; one hour away is the world famous Kitt Peak National Observatory.

The streetcars make Tucson a snap. Explore Wildcat Country at the University, then check out the funky shops along Fourth Avenue, through downtown and over to the Mercado San Agustín’s public market, bodegas and more.

There’s nightlife fun to be had at IBT’s with frequent guest stars and drag shows. Feeling a little hipster? There’s often some great bands at the Rialto Theatre. Across the street you can check out the cool grooves and dance scene at Club Congress. Be sure to schedule for RuPaul’s Drag Race contestant Tempest DuJour’s hilarious “Retro Game Show Night” once a month.

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American Flag Tank, and Navy Shorts available at Macy’s Biltmore. Grey Tank and Shorts model’s own.

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IONBISBEE

IONTUCSON

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This Old Copper Town is a Gold Mine! Funky, freaky and fabulous! Bisbee!

“Mayberry on Acid.”

Bisbee’s Pride is Beyond Cool The spirit of the Wild West lives in Bisbee, Arizona! They pioneered the way as the first town in Arizona to perform legal same-sex civil unions. How things have changed!

Come to Bisbee Pride, June 18-21.

Here’s a just a few highlights: Party in your panties! There’s a Lingerie Pub Crawl on Thursday, June 18. Meet at Screaming Banshee at 6 p.m.

Filthy film director John Waters’ film star Mink Stole takes the stage on Friday, June 19 at the Old City Park hosted by Empress Olivia Gardens performing with Phoenix’s Pandora DeStrange and the Arizona Gender Outlaws. Venus DeMars parties from 11 p.m.-1 a.m. at The Quarry.

On June 20 you’ll find out that “Pride is Divine!” in the amphitheater at the Old City Park near Brewery Gulch at 8 p.m. The fabulous Sherry Vine will keep you in stitches! Don’t miss Pandora DeStrange and her TransGlam band, The Flaming Queens.

On Sunday, June 20 don’t miss the Artisan & Street Fair and Beer Garden and live performances at Grassy Park. Have fun at the Copper Queen Pool Party & BBQ.

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Screaming Banshee Nik will greet you with one of her trademark hugs and a hearty “Welcome home!” when you walk into this popular café featuring pizza, pasta, salad and a stellar bar. Partners Carrie and Nik say, “Put it in your mouth. You know you want it!” Heck, yeah!

200 Tombstone Canyon Rd. 520-432-1300 ScreamingBansheePizza.com

Shop! Shop! Shop!

Visit art galleries, gift shops and acres of antiques and collectibles.

Start your treasure hunt at On Consignment. Get extraordinary art at Acacia Art & Antiques on Main Street. Snoop around Finders Keepers on Main Street and say, “Howdy” to Kathy Sowden and Deborah Grier, who help make Bisbee Pride happen.

Bisbee Bicycle Co. Explore Bisbee by bicycle! The Bisbee Bicycle Company rents an electric assist bike with an extra “boost” to help you navigate the winding roads of this hilly town.

You’ll love it! You can buy one of these beauties, too!

29 Main St., Bisbee. Call 520-366-2105

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The soaring red rocks of Sedona are often backdrops for some of Hollywood’s great Westerns. Some believe they house a heliport for visiting aliens. No kidding. It’s also a haven for New Age enthusiasts.

Still, the beauty of Chimney Pot, Capitol Butte, Bell, Red and Coffee Pot Rocks and other magical places like Boynton Canyon will amaze and astound you. The Pink Jeep Tours are legendary–and fun! Explore Oak Creek Canyon and don’t miss Slide Rock.

Tlaquepaque Arts & Crafts Village is touristy, but, hey–aren’t you a tourist?

Check out Sedona.net for accommodations and ideas, hikes, maps and more. Tell the aliens that ION sent you.

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Apolis Shorts, Zaberobe Tank & Chambray Shorts available at HUB Clothing.

Dsquared Tank and Tom Ford sunglasses Models own.

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If you’re looking for a city loaded with “Best of” and “Most” awards, it’s hard to beat Scottsdale. Food & Wine magazine included it on a list of “America’s Healthiest Cities to Visit.” It’s also a Top 10 Spring Break destination and Livability.com names it one of the “Top 100 Places to Live” and “Top 10 Most Romantic Cities” in America.

The list goes on. Just check “The Dirty” for all the really good shit.

You’ll find hiking and biking trails, golf courses, glam resorts, spring training for baseball, and world class restaurants and nightclubs and fab shopping.

Thursday nights stroll through the Main Street galleries during Art Walk. Enjoy a South Pacific inspired lunch or dinner at Hula’s in the heart of Old Town. And no visit would be complete without a beverage at the legendary BS West.

Take advantage of the lush life during Gay Days Arizona, June 19-21 at the hip Saguaro Hotel. Go to GayDaysAZ.com . We’ll see you there!

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Models Mark Surabian & Tanner Cordell are joined by Dante, of the Wild Men of the West.

Photography by Scotty Kirby Direction & Art by Kevin Bushaw Text by Deon Brown.

HUB Clothing 5213 N Central Ave, Phoenix.

602-277-4822

Macy’s Biltmore 2410 E. Camelback Road, Phoenix 602-468-2100

Clothing provided by

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JUNE 2015

Vol. 9, Issue 3

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

TragiCon Tour a Big Flop OUTRAGEOUS!

WICHITA – TragiCon is a newly created A paltry turnout of roughly five costumed selfnon-profit, educational corporation creating styled “Bitter Buffs” and around six depressed an awareness of tragic theatre, poetry, Goth teens were not enough to ensure the novels, or historical events through the success of the confab. presentation of conventions and events celebrating the contribution of tragedy and “One guy was dressed up like Shakespeare’s misery as an art form. Convention halls Hamlet, another was supposed to be the Great ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL across the nation are slated to stage the TRUTH Gatsby, there was a very sad Mary Todd massive event, similar to the popular Comic- Lincoln and some girl came as the tragic Con International, which attracts video Regina George from Mean Girls,” said an gaming enthusiasts, superhero and nerdy event coordinator. “I guess we’re gonna have “Doctor Who” fans in general. to call off our Edgar Allen Poe Look-a-Like Contest and the Oedipus Pie Eating Contest.”

“We thought we could capitalize on the popularity of themed conventions, like Organizers are planning an Area 51 UFO Comic-Con and Monster-Con, except Camping Weekend & Alien Costume Contest highlighting some of the great tragic figures in New Mexico next year to offset TragiCon of the arts and history,” said one anonymous expenses. inside source. “Boy, were we wrong.”

OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS!

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OUTRAGEOUS! Ireland’s Gay Leprechauns First to Wed

OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS! ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

DUBLIN – Same sex marriage was Registrar Seamus O’Donoghue, said, “Well, overwhelmingly approved in a voter’s this certainly is a first for the Emerald Isle!” referendum with over 60% approval.

For the reception the merry couple served a Ireland is the first nation to legalize same lovely corned beef with cabbage, a hearty Irish ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL sex marriage as mandated by a country’s stew, lots of potatoes and then everyone got registered voters. stinking drunk.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL Surprisingly, the first couple to marry The ceremony was performed and Civil Registration Service Office in County Tipperary were a pair of wee, gay leprechauns living in an enchanted forest in a tastefully decorated tree stump with a lovely view of the local shire. Natural mischief-makers and hair stylists in their spare time, the pair have saved a tidy pot of gold.

O’Donoghue pronounced the two married, adding, “Ladies and gentlemen, I now present Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald!”

“I can’t wait to take his Lucky Charms tonight!” said the happy couple.

OUTRAGEOUS!

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Check Yourself After

the spread in MARICOPA COUNTY

FREE TESTING June 10th & 24th 5pm-6:30pm 1645 E. Roosevelt St. Phoenix, AZ

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Dear Miss Tiger,

T

here’s one type of bitch that I don’t have time for ... and that’s a bitch who can’t hold their alcohol! Why do these fools spend good money guzzling down everything they can get their hands on, only to ‘roman shower’ all over our lives and our dress shoes? This month’s Favorite Bitch is all about alcoholics on the verge of a nervous breakdown!

Dear Miss Tiger,

I get wasted and show out all over the club. Should I be worried or is it just a part of being young, gay and fabulous?

— Paul Dear And Next Month You’ll Be Asking What To Do About Getting The Crabs, And the month after that you’ll writing and asking what to do after fucking your best friend’s boyfriend. I have one thing to say ... NEXT!

I get drunk and can’t remember the names of the dudes that fucked me. I even got double penetrated and don’t remember half of it. I’m ashamed and need your help!

Dear Miss Tiger,

— Jordan

— Pebbles

Dear Stretched Like A Rubber Band, The only help that I have comes in the form of a taxi cab. Use one to take yo’ ass to Alcoholics Anonymous ... and then to the goddamn proctologist for some stitches!

Dear Miss Tiger, When my ex-girlfriend has been drinking, she blows my phone up with texts and begs me to get back together with her. Any advice?

— Beth Dear At Least She’s Wrecking Your Phone And Not Her Ford Explorer You’re Still Paying For, I have advice ... it’s called change your fuckin’ number.

Better yet, say farewell with a bottle of rubbing alcohol. She can use it to cleanse her wounded heart or ... she can drink the son-of-a-bitch!

I was drunk and threw up on my friend’s cat. I offered to pay for the grooming but she stopped talking to me!

Dear Fruity Pebbles, I’d be over you, too! With all that toxic shit in your drunken system, I guarantee you used up one of the kitty’s 9 lives.

Let this be a lesson that a girlfriend will be there to hold your hair back while you puke in the toilet ... but goddamn it, do not fuck with her pussycat!

Wanna talk to me LIVE about this kind of bullshit and more? Then join me June 15th on Derek and Romaine • SiriusXM OutQ 106 at 7pm MT! Visit my website for more information on columns and upcoming radio appearances.

MISS TIGER Advice Columnist • SiriusXM radio personality ... and everyone’s #FAVORITEBITCH Website FavoriteBitch.com Facebook /MissTiger Advice ask@misstiger.com June 2015 www.IONAZ.com 91

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by Sean Kapera @ Synergistic Studios SynergisticStudios.com

FOLLOW on instagram @SynergisticStudios

Josh Corona Personal Trainer Phoenix, AZ June 2015 www.IONAZ.com 93

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by Addison DeWitt

when muchachos and muchachas did their best with beloved dip.

Equality Arizona volunteers and possibly the cutest boyfriends in the whole, wide world, A Brad DeBiase & Blaise Caudill (C) prepared a salsa with chiles, tomatoes, onions and seasonings–all in equal parts, of course. Edward Castro, “El Rey de las Reinas,” brought an old family salsa recipe to the table. (D)

I’m boy crazy! Everybody knows that! But did you know I’m “Foye Crazy,” too? I’m simply mad about the Foye! Tim Foye, that is. (A) The blondacious boy about town makes me weak in the jaw–I mean, “knees”– whenever I see my dear little nippletastic Foye Toy at B Stacy’s @ Melrose. Oh, blondie, blondie!

Drop your laundry!

There’s no other man I’d rather be stranded on a desert island with.

Foye ahoy!

Speaking of Stacy Louis, he’s never “two-faced.” (B) He just celebrated his club’s second anniversary of serving up millions of martoonies, memories and fun, fun, fun! Stacy had a très fancy VIP party to commemorate the milestone. Sending you kisses galore, precious!

It was a “¡muy caliente!”

Cinco de Mayo at Karamba when Señorita Barbra de la Seville hosted her annual Salsa Challenge.

It was a gustatory tastebud stand-off

F

C

D

E

That juicy little Georgia peach masquerading as a hot tamale, MiShal MiShal brought a little extra fire ‘n’ falsies from South of Border (and maybe north of her garter!) to the event. (E) The only thing missing were mariachis.

Thank goodness. ¡Tostitos y besitos por todos! ¡Olé, queridos! And throw in a margarita or two while you’re at it.

Crime doesn’t pay, dearies! From the files of “Phoenix Police Department C.S.I. (Cocktail Scene Investigation): Twink Division.”

The scrummy Christian Milano (F) experienced police drama in real life. Here’s The Reader’s Digest Condensed Version: It was a balmy night when Milano’s car was June 2015 www.IONAZ.com 95

broken into and his iPad was stolen! Hearing the clamor of shattering glass, Milano, wearing a fetching Michael G Kors ensemble, acted toute de suite: he touched up his lipstick, fixed his pompadour, poured himself a stiff drink, looked up the number for 9­1­1 calling the po-po who tracked down the purloined iPad via GPS and caught the bandit while Christian followed in an Uber in hot pursuit! I was on the edge of my bidet as I watched this riveting drama reported on the local news while Milano related the story, sounding kinda very nearly almost butch. Almost. Christian must’ve had some mighty incriminating selfies downloaded I for this kind of police emergency.

Congrats, sugar!

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We’re excited about the new seasoning of Barbra Seville’s Drag Race now available at The Rock on Monday nights.

Watch eager queens duke it out for for valuable prizes. My eyes are on the hirsute, genderbending giant Jolene Cuisine, (G) a genuine bearded ‘n’ brawny boy Barbie! You can’t miss the glamour from the front ... nor from behind (H). Frankly, I couldn’t tell if the bigboned gal was coming or going! Fetch me some Brylcreem and a good rat-tail comb,, won’t you?

Finally, as a Public Service Announcement: H please don’t drink and drive. We recommend calling an Ultra Beneficial Expert Rideshare service for a chauffeured trip home. One advocate of the advantages of this service is our precious, beautiful Cozette Phifer. (I) Just ask Cozi why this is such a good idea. I’ll leave it at that.

You’ll never drive anywhere again. Drunk or sober.

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S

aturn climbs high in the night sky all month long, displaying its gorgeous rings.

Speaking of rings, you might expect Juno, the ancient goddess of marriage, to inspire someone to offer you a ring to seal the deal. Single?

Long days give you plenty of time to celebrate Gay Pride Month. The Summer Solstice happens exactly on Sunday, June 21 at 9:39 a.m. in Arizona. Where will you be? Celebrate the Equality of Day and Night. Hopefully the U.S. Supreme Court will honor Marriage Equality this month, too.

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22

Because you have this carefree charm and effortless ease with others, you also have a talent for extracting information from others.

Like a spy. Make sure you keep these confidences to yourself. Use them to build memories.

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

You’re all justice, balance, harmony and freak out when things are out of whack. The Hopi call this “Koyaanisqatsi” or “Life out of balance.” Do you speak Hopi? We didn’t think so. You are someone’s champion.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

It’s important for you to have “alone time.”

Sometimes it’s because you’re moody or, well, “crabby” and need to retreat. Research pays off. Loyal friends reward you for this discovery on your birthday. Act surprised (even though you’re not.)

Somehow you manage to accomplish goals and challenges in highly unorthodox ways bordering on zany and just plain weird.

But that’s just the way you are. An unusual proposition comes your way that’s perfect for you.

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

You’re naturally strong-willed, driven and Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23 impetuous. You’re willing to trample over everything–even elderly people, cute woodland Something is making you argumentative, contrary, and let’s face it: a little bit bitchy. creatures and small children–just to get your Scorps see everything as a healthy challenge, way. Slow down. Nothing’s that urgent. however. Your capability for control and Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20 confidence straightens out a mess.

You’re strength and stamina makes you Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23 everyone’s favorite astrological and spiritual Your philosophical nature helps you focus and beast of burden. You’re understanding; examine a variety of situations surrounding everybody looks to have you in their corner. you. Practice patience with others because Learn how to say, “No.” And, “Moo.” Because your demands for quick results just pisses you’re a bull. Get it? people off.

Gemini May 21 - June 21 Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20 We can never totally predict you in any given Stability and order mean a lot to you. A situation. Because of your flexibility? Your Cappie’s practical ability to organize everything adaptable nature? Or because of you’re systematically makes you good to have around slightly schizophrenic nature? You always when someone needs help moving. But who drive a hard bargain, but it pays off if it’s your wants to help someone move in the summer? birthday.

You have a way of cutting through to the meat of the matter, partly because of your naturally carnivorous nature. (Even if you’re vegetarian.

You can’t escape it.) You bare your teeth and your claws getting shizzle done this month.

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An important “Cause” attracts your attention.

Your devotion and dedication is admirable, but are you gullible? Put your foot down, because nobody takes advantage of you. Well, not usually. A prize comes your way.