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GRAND REOPENING
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TWISTED PEACOCK
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一䔀圀 䰀伀䌀䄀吀䤀伀一℀ 猀眀椀洀眀攀愀爀 簀 甀渀搀攀爀眀攀愀爀 簀 愀挀琀椀瘀攀眀攀愀爀
䀀 䴀攀氀爀漀猀攀
䄀氀攀砀 䐀椀最愀甀搀椀漀 昀漀爀 吀唀䌀 匀䠀伀倀匀 倀栀漀琀漀最爀愀瀀栀礀 戀礀 刀椀挀欀 刀甀猀挀栀 䀀 爀椀挀欀爀甀猀挀栀瀀栀漀琀漀最爀愀瀀栀攀爀⸀挀漀洀
㘀 ㈀ 圀⸀ 䤀一䐀䤀䄀一 匀䌀䠀伀伀䰀 ⠀戀攀琀眀攀攀渀 㔀琀栀 ☀ 㜀琀栀 䄀瘀攀⤀ 㘀 ㈀⸀㈀㜀㐀⸀㠀㈀㘀㠀
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ON THE COVER ION Arizona readers picked our own Ted Kirby with his partner, the lovely Diona Peltcs for this month’s cover. Their fab portrait won, receiving almost 700 “likes” in a Facebook contest where friends and fans voted for their favorite team. Ted and Diona are competing in SWAY PHX Events’ 8th Annual Dancing With The Bars on August 9. See the photofeature on page 32. Photography by Franklin Diaz. Franklin Diaz is an event, fashion and product photographer. He believes that creativity is a team effort and the result of working closely with clients.
3819 North 3rd Street Suite 26, Phoenix, AZ 85012 (602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com ionarizona@me.com PUBLISHER / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero ............................................ jacktesorero@me.com
CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ..................................................... kbushaw@me.com EDITOR Deon Brown ................................................... ionazeditor@me.com COPY EDITOR .......................................................... Austin Head GRAPHIC DESIGNER ......................................... Angel Jimenez PRODUCTION & ARTWORK SUBMISSIONS
ionazproduction@me.com
ADVERTISING SALES Jack Tesorero ............................................................ (602) 750-1164
jacktesorero@me.com
PHOTOGRAPHERS:
Fernando Hernandez Franklin Diaz Scotty Kirby Sean Kapera Marco Ovando Sue McConnell Stephanie Anne Donaghue NATIONAL ADVERTISING REPRESENTATIVE Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 CONTRIBUTORS:
Stacey Jay Cavaliere Addison DeWitt C. Edwards Ted Kirby
Peter Lora Benjamin Neher Paul Sanchez Miss Tiger
Published monthly by
1995-2015: 20 Years of Design and Creative Excellence © 2015 JMT Designs, Inc.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ
All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee. NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company. Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.
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We’ve (All) Come a Long Way, Baby! F
ourteen years ago, life in America was very different. Gays and lesbians couldn’t serve openly in the armed forces and gay marriage was illegal. Today we can openly and proudly defend our country and now we have marriage equality throughout the land. Hallelujah! On July 1, 2001, a new publication shocked the Arizona LGBT community. It was a magazine like no other. It was called IONAZ (Eye On Arizona). A lot has changed since our humble beginnings: Apple revolutionized mobile devices. YouTube introduced a new way to create and watch videos and Facebook became a fun, easy way to communicate with friends. Twitter and Instagram became another way to share your thoughts and pictures. ION has embraced these awesome social media outlets. A great example is last month’s “Dancing with the Bars” contest to appear on the cover of ION Arizona. Every year, ION likes to promote a contest on Facebook where you–the reader–pick our cover models. We’re proud to announce that one of ION’s valuable contributors and a big supporter of our community, Ted Kirby, and his dance instructor Diona Peltcs won the contest and now grace this month’s cover–our 14th anniversary issue. Thank you to all of our Facebook fans who voted online and good luck to all the other contestants who’ll compete on August 9 16
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at Tempe Center for the Arts. (Team Ted all the way!) Look for more contests and ticket giveaways on our website, our Facebook/Twitter pages and our email blasts. This month we’re excited to chat with TS Madison Hinton, the transgender LGBT advocate whose wild Vines, YouTube videos, Twitter and Facebook have made her a “transviral sensation” on social media platforms. “The Dickumentary: A Short History of the Penis” is a new documentary about everything “downstairs.” What we learned might surprise you! Read all about it. If you like sexy underwear, you’ll love what #HOOKER offers in “Steamy Summer.” We sure do! It has been such a pleasure to join you on our journey to equality. We still have a lot of work to do. I want to thank all of our employees, friends, fans, contributors, advertisers, sponsors and our readers. We look forward to another 14 years together and beyond.
Jack M. Tesorero
FITNESS UPDATE! In 7 weeks I’ve already lost 22 lbs. Amazing!
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GPGLCC BizBowl
You don’t want your ball to end up in the gutter ... or is that where you mind is? The “Gay Chamber of Commerce” is having a bowling tournament benefiting the ASU Devil Pride Scholarship Fund. It’s fun! Dress up like your favorite TV characters for even more fun! Saturday, July 11 from 5-9 p.m. at AMC Christown Lanes, 1919 W. Bethany Home Rd. Sign up today at PhoenixGayChamber.com/Events (See ad p. 31)
Wonderland Weekend
“Things are getting curiouser and curiouser.” What’s happening? Go ask Alice. I think she’ll know. Travel down the rabbit hole on Saturday, July 11 and Sunday, July 12. Wear your best “Wonderland Wardrobe” to win prizes! It all goes down at Stacy’s @Melrose, 4343 N. 7th Ave. in Phoenix. Feed your head! (See ad pp. 4 & 5)
Jello Wrestling at Charlie’s
Wiggly and jiggly fun! Watch some of the city’s sexiest super-studs in singlets (and maybe a couple of gals!) grapple ‘n’ grope in the gelatinous goo. This popular fundraising event, benefiting Community Church of Hope, Men of Charlie’s, PFLAG and others. See you ringside on Saturday, July 25 at Charlie’s, 727 W. Camelback Rd. To sign up, send an email to JelloWrestling2015@gmail.com (See ad p. 15)
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Drag Wars 2015
“Don’t get mad, get evil.” It’s back! It’s badder than ever! The biggest fundraiser of the year rockets through space at warp speed! This wacky event benefits Project Hardhat & Altered Tails. Sunday, July 26. Don’t miss the “Miss BS Mess Pageant” on Tuesday, July 28. No pro drag queens allowed! The madness happens at BS West, 7125 E. 5th Ave. in Scottsdale. For more information or if you want to participate, visit BSwest.com or call 480-945-9028 (See the ads on p. 9)
DWTB Ted Kirby Tangos at Plazma
We’re excited! ION Arizona’s very own Ted Kirby will be tearing up the dance floor when he busts a move at SWAY PHX Events’ eighth annual “Dancing With The Bars 2015.” and raising money for Aunt Rita’s Foundation. Join Ted for a very special “Tappy Hour” on Friday, July 31, 6-9 p.m. at Plazma, 1560 E. Osborn Rd. where they’ll be serving “Ted’s Twisted Tango,” giving away some great swag, and tickets to the big night! (See ad p. 57)
JULY 2015 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE
EVENT
LOCATION
Sun Mon Mon Tues 3 3 8 11-12 12 15 17-18 18 18 18 25 26 26 26 28 30 31 31
Splash & Sizzle Party Stand-Up Comedy Amer. Ninja Warrior Viewing Parties Amateur Strip Night Carnaval Latino Bearracuda Gay Skate Wonderland Weekend DWTB Tappy Hour for Adriana Galliano Comedy Night Summer Luau DWTB Tappy Hour for Travis Shumake White Party Bomba Lucha & Scandalesque Neon Blackout Party SWAY Summer Pool Party Drag Wars Artie Party Miss BS Mess Pageant Studio A Go Go feat. Austin Head Conjunto Poder DWTB Tappy Hour for Ted Kirby
The FLEX The Rock Kobalt Twisted Peacock Club DWNTWN The Rock Great Skate Stacy’s Karamba Karamba Dick’s Cabaret Stacy’s Karamba Paz Taqueria Cantina BS West Valley Ho BS West Charlie’s BS West Paris Karamba Plazma
9 9
Dancing With The Bars Illusions Celebrity Impersonations
Tempe Ctr. for the Arts Tempe Improv
AUG
CITY
Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Glendale Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Scottsdale Scottsdale Scottsdale Phoenix Scottsdale Scottsdale Phoenix Phoenix Tempe Tempe
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THROWBACK THURSDAY
PARK CENTR AL MALL - PHOENIX
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KO BA LT
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PRIDE GALA
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SCOTTSDALE HILTON
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MISS GAY AZ AMERICA
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PHX THE ATRE
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ION MONSOON SPLASH BASH
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SAGUARO HOTEL
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Ievent’s time to cha-cha! Or rhumba. Or salsa. Or tango. Possibly a paso doble? Maybe the forbidden dance ... the lambada! It’s time for SWAY PHX Events eighth annual “Dancing With The Bars!” This crowdpleasing spectacle is an opportunity to give our community’s best and brightest the spotlight to jitterbug live, on-stage in a dazzling competition displaying their talent and skill, determining who can out-foxtrot, grandstand and do a little showboating for a chance to win the audience’s heart. Well, and bragging rights, too, of course. Ten sensational couples representing your favorite bars, clubs, restaurants, sponsors and magazines team up with a professional dancer while they boogie-woogie their way into your hearts. I know! Right? Best of all, they’re fundraising for Aunt Rita’s Foundation, an agency benefiting 17 non-profit HIV/AIDS organizations in Arizona. Meet the sparkling couples who have dedicated their time, energy and gifts they’ll be sharing on the dance floor Sunday, August 9 at Tempe Center for the Arts. For tickets go to SwayEvents.com Cha-cha-cha! Photography by Franklin Diaz • Art by Kevin Bushaw • Text by Deon Brown Shawn Nerdahl photo courtesy Echo Magazine. Special thanks to Phoenix Pride and SWAY Events.
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Adriana Galliano & John Holzworth Our favorite red hot chili pepper from Mexico City is “Adriana.� The cha-cha, tango, rhumba or samba are no contest for her. She dances with John Holzworth, representing Karamba Nightclub.
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Travis Shumake & Tim Bishop Downtown Phoenix wouldn’t be the same without the brilliant smile of Travis; he founded the Phoenix Downtown Neighborhood alliance. He’ll be cuttin’ a rug with Tim Bishop. Together, they represent Stacy’s @Melrose.
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Ted Kirby& Diona Peltcs He’s everywhere you go! You can’t miss Ted! If there’s a fair, event, gala, contest, show or Pride festival ... there’s Ted! He’ll tear up the dance floor with DWTB veteran instructor Diona Peltcs.
Ruben Contreras & Iliana Gonzalez If you end up at that lil’ bitty ol’ pissant country place, Charlie’s, you’re bound to see Ruben behind the bar. He’s teamed up with the lovely Iliana. They won’t be doing the hokey-pokey.
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Ashlee James & Cullen Daniel For more than 25 years Echo Magazine has been reporting news for the LGBT community. Ashlee represents Echo and she’ll be dancing with the rambunctious dance pro and DJ extraordinaire Cullen Daniel.
Brett Kennedy & Shawn Nerdahl Brett’s good looks make him everybody’s All-American Boy. This dimpled Michigander is a server at Harley’s Bistro. He’s paired up with Shawn Nerdahl, instructor and co-owner of Arizona Ballroom Champions (and part of last year’s winning team!)
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Olivia Gardens & Rik Dault The Empress of the Imperial Court of Arizona might just waltz away with a royal prize this year. Her partner is the accomplished Rik Dault. They come from the kingdom of Kobalt.
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Jackie Weinstein & Matt McGuire It’s just like Heaven! BLISS/ReBar is sponsoring the Jackie who dances with handsome Matt. With Jackie’s beauty and Matt’s gypsy-like good looks, expect sparks to light up the stage.
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Kira Daniels & Freddie Maese Pageant queen and national title holder Kira “Tik-Tok” Daniels is a whirling dervish who can’t be stopped. She’s in good hands with the masterful Freddie. This duo is sponsored by BS West.
Goochie Ybarra & Elie Contreras It’s never a party unless Goochie’s around! He can’t keep all that energy “bottled” up inside! He pops his cork for SWAY PHX representing them as a Bottle Model.
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Illusions If you can’t make it to Hollywood, Vegas or Nashville, you’ll get your chance to see the spitting images of Reba, Lady Gaga, Liza, Cher, Janet Jackson and many more at Illusions, hosted by Olivia Gardens, staged the second Sunday of every month at the Tempe Improv, 930 E. University Dr. Don’t miss it! Shows are: July 12, August 9, and September 13 at 8 p.m. with a meet ‘n’ greet at 7 p.m. Admission is only $10
JULY 2015 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE TIME Sun 5 Fri 10 10:00pm Sun 12 Sun 12 7:00pm Fri 17 10:00pm Thurs 23 Fri 24 10:00pm Sun 26 Tues 28 9:00pm Tues 28 Thurs 30 9:00pm Fri 31 10:00pm Mondays 10:00pm Tuesday 10:00pm Tuesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 10:30pm Wednesdays 10:00pm Thursdays 10:30pm Fridays 10:30pn Fridays 10:30 Fridays 9:00pm Fridays 9:00pm Fridays 9:00pm Fridays 10:00pm 2nd Saturday 9:30pm Saturdays 7pm Saturdays 9:00pm Saturdays 10:30pm Saturdays 10:00pm Saturdays 9:30pm Sundays 8:30pm Sundays 10:30pm Sundays 8:00pm 40
LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S) Karamba Diamond’s 4th of July Show The Rock Barbra Seville’s Girly Show Karamba Adriana Galliano’s Tappy Hour for DWTB Tempe Improv Illusions Celebrity Impersonation Show The Rock Barbra Seville’s Girly Show Karamba Amy Winehouse Tribute The Rock Barbra Seville’s Girly Show BS West Drag Wars BS West Miss BS Mess Pageant Karamba Savannah’s Face Off Twisted Peacock Throwback Thursday with Celia Putty & Coco St. James The Rock Lady Christian’s Trailer Trash Revue Charlie’s Claudia B Hosts Nearly Nekkid Men Karamba Savannah Moussier’s Show BS West Stars Choice Talent Showcase IBT’s Viva La DIVA Kobalt Garden Variety Revue with Olivia Gardens Karamba Karamba Girls - Adriana Galiano & Karime Lizaldi Charlie’s Nevaeh’s High Heels & Halos Karamba Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds Cruisin’ 7th Fabulous Fridays with Regina Gazelle & Nikki Knowles The Rock Special Event Rotating Drag Shows Plazma Freaky Fridays with Celia Putty IBT’s Absolutely Flawless with China Collins BS West Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers OZ Classy Corona & The Go Go Boys Kobalt Celia Putty OZ Bar Classy Corona & Go-Go Boys IBT’s Starrletts with Janee Star Cruisin’ 7th The Fabulous Mia Inez Adams The Rock The Barbra Seville Show Charlie’s Pussy’s Patio Show Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot & Friends Karamba Diamond’s Show Twisted Peacock Fancy Feathered Follies with Mia Adams
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TS Madison Pre-painted for theRapture by Angel Jiminez & Deon Brown
T
he bold, brazen, brash and bawdy transgender TS Madison Hinton speaks truth to power, honey! She boasts 28.5K Twitter followers, 59.6K Instagram fans, and 73.3K Vine lovers. Her aphorisms are legendary: “Bitch ... y’all ‘hoes ‘sleep?” “Pre-painted for the rapture!” “Is it on?” “Get a job!” “Own a business!” and last but not least ... “Suck a dick!” She’s appeared on Glee, RuPaul’s What’s the Tee? and has a regular online spot with World of Wonder with her scandalizing observations with “Wait a Minute!” every Wednesday. Madison recently penned her memoirs “A Light Through the Shade: An Autobiography of a Queen” about her triumphs. She learned a lot, and she tells a lot. She advises, “Read good books and bad people.” ION Arizona spoke with TS Madison in her “chateau” in Atlanta, Georgia, where she answered with her signature ... ... “Is it on? Is it on, honey? Is this bitch recording? It seems like the red light is flashin’ over there, so that means, ‘Yes it is!’ What’s up YouTubeland, Twitterland, Instagramland, Snapchat, Grindr, Scruff, Jack’d, Facebook, and last but not least, everybody, my most favorite site of all ... Christian Mingle! This is your girl TS Madison and I’m comin’ to you live and in color!” And, boy ... did she ever!
ION: What was the turning point that made you want to be a bigger voice for the LGBT community? TS: You never know the influence you have. Before I went viral and got crazy on social media I was promoting my adult entertainment business through Vine. What I didn’t know was that six seconds of me goin’ wild and crazy would have an impact. In the beginning I was a tad bit selfish and all about trying to garner a coin from the crazy stuff I was doin’ on Vine, like runnin’ around naked. I was displaying more than self-expression and freedom. People started to take those six seconds and I became a topic of discussion. It made me deliberate over the effect I had on people. What I had to do was say, “Madison, you’ve gained so much popularity and influence you’ve got to understand that you can use it for good or keep on being selfish, honey, and making your coins off of it.” I grew up in a very religious background, my mom taught me that whatever you do in this life it doesn’t matter unless you’re doin’ it for God or the good of Mankind. I thought, “You know what, Maddie? You need to reevaluate yourself, take this opportunity and start talking about things that are really important.” ION: Your mother, Miss Mary, is a devoted Christian. How has she come into terms with you being transgender and her faith? TS: It’s a struggle when you’re torn between the ones that you love and your faith. My mother never deviates from what the Word says to her. She looks deeper into what God says. “Thy love and thy kindness has drawn thee.” She says that as long as she’s with me she’s going to display the love of Christ. That’s how she deals with it. She says, “Baby, I love you. I don’t agree with everything you do, but I love you unconditionally. What I need July 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 43
genuine and fabulous? TS: My background, my story, being raised in faith, having a mother that taught me that “Whatsoever a man soweth, so shall he reap.” I try to plant the seeds of good and warmth and love and happiness and fun so I’d like to reap that positivity. None of that negative stuff. My background won’t allow me to be that way. I use encouragement and positivity, putting it out in to the atmosphere. It’s like a boomerang effect: whatever you put out comes back. ION: What would you like people to know about you that might surprise them?
for you to do with the spotlight on you, is to show God’s love through you. Let His kind, warm and gentle spirit use you to reach people.” I have to thank her for still believing and understanding what God’s word means and is about. I love her for that. ION: Do you brainstorm your catchphrases or do they come at the spur of the moment? TS: It just comes! I’ve been blessed with the gift of laughter, honey. “Shoes for the party! Shoes for the party, girl!” ION: What’s your secret for being 44
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TS: I read those comments people say about me on social media. Even though I’m very strong sometimes it hurts my feelings, especially when AfricanAmerican people try to oppress me. Why would you attack me? I’m only speaking my truth! I know it’s impossible, but I want everybody to love me; I love everybody! ION: What does TS Madison represent & support? TS: I’m all about individuality and identity. We’re all individually wrapped and packaged to the desired taste of those who wants us. I support people who are true to themselves. Like Caitlyn Jenner: We haven’t had someone on a large scale actually live in front of the media, and change into who they are right in front of our eyes. We watched Bruce be “Bruce”–a champion in the Olympics and father of his children on television. Now we’re watching
Bruce transform into who he was on the inside as Caitlyn. It’s on such a large scale, watching someone living their truth. I support people who live outside of the norm from people who say, “You have to live this way. You have to believe this way.” I don’t like people who live by other’s standards and conform just to fit in. I don’t like it when gay men are negative to transwomen and take the same views and hate that we get from some members of the heterosexual community. They’re trying to blend in so bad and don’t understand transitioning or a trans-person and being trapped in the wrong body, oppressing their own kind. We’re gay! We’re the rainbow, sweetie! ION: Give us one piece of advice, TS Madison style. TS: I say this to everybody: speak your entire life into existence, honey. Think positive things! Get up! Remind yourself that you are a great person and that you can do anything that you want! no matter how large the obstacles are or what your past might be. You have to speak it as you believe it! Discover everything about TS Madison at TSMadison.com Facebook: TS Madison Hinton and Mzmadisonofmia Twitter: @ tsmadisonatl1 Instagram: therealtsmadison A Light Through the Shade an Autobiography of a Queen is available on Amazon.com and Kindle.
匀椀最渀 甀瀀 渀漀眀 昀漀爀 䘀愀氀氀 ㈀ 㔀 愀甀搀椀琀椀漀渀猀℀
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䜀攀琀琀椀渀最 愀爀漀甀渀搀 琀漀眀渀 樀甀猀琀 最漀琀 愀 氀漀琀 攀愀猀椀攀爀⸀ 䐀漀眀渀氀漀愀搀 琀栀攀 䘀刀䔀䔀 吀漀琀愀氀 吀爀愀渀猀椀琀 愀瀀瀀⸀ ⴀ 一漀 猀甀爀最攀 瀀爀椀挀椀渀最 ⴀ ㌀㔀─ 氀攀猀猀 琀栀愀渀 愀 琀愀砀椀 ⴀ 刀攀愀氀 琀椀洀攀 琀爀愀挀欀椀渀最 ⴀ 䄀甀琀漀洀愀琀椀挀 瀀愀礀洀攀渀琀 䜀攀琀 ␀ 漀昀昀 礀漀甀爀 爀椀搀攀 眀椀琀栀 瀀爀漀洀漀 挀漀搀攀㨀 䤀伀一䄀娀
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Legally Blonde: the musical See sorority girl law student and fashionista Elle Woods and along with her dog, Chihuahua-American Bruiser, take on the legal system, fashion, education and perms ... in music and song, of course. July 10 thru August 9 you can see the pink puff piece at the Arizona Broadway Theatre, 7701 W. Paradise Lane in beautiful downtown Peoria! For tickets check out AZBroadway. org or call 623-776-8400. “I haven’t been this excited since Gucci became a publicly traded company!”
Cheech & Chong It’s a blast from the past, dude! Cannabis loving cohorts, Cheech and Chong, legendary hippies and stoners from the 1970s, bring their satiric, counterculture comedy(and maybe a doobie or two) back to the stage. Catch them with the rock ‘n’ roll band WAR on Friday, July 10 at the Casino del Sol Resort at the AVA Amphitheater, 5655 W. Valencia in Tucson. For tickets visit CasinoDelSolResort.com or call 800-344-9435.
Anjelah Johnson “Have it your way, but don’t get crazy.” Uh-oh ... the insolent King Burger cashier Bon Qui-Qui from MADtv and the critical manicurist Tammy, from Beautiful Nail, returns. Comedienne Anjelah Johnson comes to Phoenix. Catch her from July 31 through August 1 at Stand Up Live Phoenix at CityScape, 50 W. Jefferson St. For tix call 480-719-6100 or go to StandUpLive.com
JULY 2015 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE 9-8/22 10-8/9 10 10-12 11 & 18 16-18 18 24-26 25 31-8/2
EVENT Tarzan: the musical Legally Blonde: The Musical Cheech & Chong w/ War DL Hughley The Carpa Plays Pauly Shore George Lopez Loni Love Martin Lawrence Anjelah Johnson
COMPANY Hale Centre Theatre - Gilbert AZ B’way Theatre Casino del Sol - Tucson Stand Up Live - Phoenix Teatro Bravo Tempe Improv Celebrity Theatre Tempe Improv Comerica Theatre Stand Up Live - Phoenix
PHONE 480-497-1181 623-776-8400 800-344-9435 480-719-6100 602-258-1800 480-921-9877 602-267-1600 480-921-9877 800-745-3000 480-719-6100
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60s, 70s, 80s, 90s Music Galore! This month go see lots of retro bands and singers that your big brothers or sisters listened to, or maybe your parents. Possibly even your grandparents. Johnny Mathis started singing in the 1960s. John Mellencamp, Pat Benatar, Chicago, Rush, Steve Miller & The Motels are right outta the 70s. The English Beat brought ska in the 80s long before No Doubt did. There’s some Emo, Country, Alternative, Shock Rock and more appearing live, in the Phoenix and Tucson area. See schedule below.
Lady Antebellum You don’t have to be a Country/Western fan to love Lady Antebellum (although it helps!) Since 2007 the awards keep stacking up. They’re in town for a hoe-down on Saturday, July 11 at the AkChin Pavilion, 2121 N. 83rd Ave. in Phoenix. Get your tix at TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000, y’all!
Dashboard Confessional The dreamy, weepy, tattooed poster boy for the emo music movement, Chris Carrabba, made a tear-filled impact on music in the early years of the millennium. Almost 40, he’s also performed with Taylor Swift and Paramore’s Hayley Williams to stay relevant. His band performs with marginal 90s band Third Eye Blind on Sunday, July 12 at Comerica Theatre, 401 W. Washington St. in Phoenix. Don’t cry, get your tickets at TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000
JULY 2015 ION CONCERT CALENDAR DATE ARTIST LOCATION PHONE 2 Kenny Chesney Casino del Sol - Tucson 800-344-9435 3 Wilco Talking Stick Resort - Scottsdale 800-745-3000 9 Rob Thomas Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 800-745-3000 9 Hippiefest Fox Theatre - Tucson 520-547-3040 10 The English Beat Rialto Theatre - Tucson 520-740-1000 11 Lady Antebellum Ak-Chin Pavilion - Phoenix 800-745-3000 11 Smashing Pumpkins & Marilyn Manson Comerica Theatre - Phx 800-745-3000 11 The English Beat Livewire AZ - Scottsdale 480-970-1112 11 Lord Huron Rialto Theatre - Tucson 520-740-1000 12 Dashboard Confessional & Third Eye Blind - Comerica Theatre 800-745-3000 15 The Motels Musical Instrument Museum - Scotts. 480-478-6000 17 Sugar Ray, Better Than Ezra, Uncle Cracker Wild Horse Pass - Chandler 21 Chicago + Earth, Wind & Fire Ak-Chin Pavilion - Phx 800-745-3000 24 Pat Benatar Desert Diamond Casino - Sahuarita 520-297-7777 24 Lyle Lovett Fox Theatre - Tucson 520-547-3040 25 Imagine Dragons US Airways Ctr - Phx 800-745-3000 27 Rush US Airways Ctr - Phx 800-745-3000 29 John Mellencamp Comerica Theatre - Phx 800-745-3000 30 Steve Miller Band Talking Stick Resort - Scottsdale 800-745-3000 AUGUST 2 Johnny Mathis Celebrity Theatre - Phoenix July 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 49
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Aural Fixation
by Peter Lora pintelonegro@gmail.com
Jamie XX
In Colour
A full-length solo album by the enigmatic Jamie XX is long overdue. He’s been just below the surface of the zeitgeist, a member to the London-based band The XX and remix producer to Florence + The Machine, Adele and countless others. Jamie’s teased us with near hour long mixes, singles, a collaboration with spoken word legend Gill-Scott Heron, yielding “I’ll Take Care of U,” which Jamie recycled into Drake and Rihanna’s 2011 hit “Take Care.” The last five years culminated with In Colour, a dazzling collection of work that exhibits Jamie’s technical know-how and wide range of genre, tastes and points of reference. In Colour begins at a racing pace with “Gosh.” It feels like pent up excitement. “I wasn’t old enough to go to raves, so I have a romantic idea of that period and the scenes that were happening before the Internet,” he said. “Hold Tight” and ”The Rest is Noise” are sophisticated nods to rave and drum-n-bass culture. “Sleep Song” samples the 50s with The Freshman Four’s “It’s a Blue World” and Alicia Keys’ “Karma.” His bandmates make cameos throughout; Oliver Sim in the very XX “Stranger in a Room” while Romy shines on the part-Morrissey/part-gospel “Loud Places.” In Colour is an apt title for the spectrum of Jamie’s carefully crafted masterpiece. Available Now
Florence + The Machine
– How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful
If you were wondering if the dog days were over or if it’s
possible to shake it out; the answer is, “no.” Soul champion Florence Welch is back with another collection of trumpeting and tambourine shaking songs about heartbreak. I’ve always thought two things about Florence Welch: she must wish she wrote Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep” and secondly, Florence Welch is what would have happened if the redhead in “Sister Act” left the convent and became a famous singersongwriter. Between the deeply allegorical lyrics, saints’ name-dropping, storms and greek gods to the rabble-rousing musical arrangements, How Big feels like a tent revival. Florence’s unwavering melodic sensibility hasn’t failed her; the album is undeniably catchy. Album opener “Ship to Wreck” is a perfect sequel to “Dog Days are Over” and sets the tone for the album with lots of drums, lots of brass and lots of tambourines. “Queen of Peace” stands out, the harmonies, lyrics and Florence’s gift of a voice summate to a contemporary Fleetwood Mac “Go Your Own Way”. Available Now
THE DL SONGS TO DOWNLOAD ARTIST - “SONG” “No Sleep” – Janet Jackson “Love is Free ft. Maluca” – Robyn & La Bagatelle Magique “Girl” – The Internet “Feeling Good” – Lauryn Hill “Can’t Feel My Face” – The Weeknd “Smooth Sailin’” – Leon Bridges “Dreams” – Beck “Tom’s Diner” – Giorgio Moroder ft. Britney Spears “Holding On” – Disclosure ft. Gregory Porter “Thick Thighs” – Willam feat. Latrice Royale July 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 51
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A Farce & A Fair Such Good People Starring: Michael Urie, Randy Harrison, Anna Ortiz, Carrie Wiita, Alex Mapa
The zany, madcap “screwball comedies” from the Golden Age of Hollywood, like Bringing Up Baby, stand the test of time. The ingredients usually include a large cast, mistaken identities, a huge misunderstanding and what Hitchcock called the “McGuffin”– a device or plot element placed to catch the viewer’s attention, driving the logic of the plot, serving no purpose but to distract you as you try to figure out its significance. Usually it’s a package or object. Here we find Richard (Urie, Ugly Betty) and hubby Alex (Harrison, Queer as Folk) who are housesitting for a couple who are in Bhutan, saving orphans. They find a stash of cash that would choke a horse. They also find a forgettable objet d’art: a small, porcelain dragon. (That’s the McGuffin! Did you already figure that out?) Soon, you’re being force-fed ersatz hilarity. What happens to the million bucks? What’s up with the porcelain dragon? Did I see a corpse? Want an Bhutanese orphan? Urie, the lovable, bitchy queen “Mark St. James” from Ugly Betty, is at his usual, lovable, comedic best: flitty and supercilious–in a word, typically gay. His coquettish approach is always en pointe. His pairing with Harrison (the adolescent Justin from QAF, all grown up now!) is comfortable and appealing.
The berserk, out-of-control script proves to be the picture’s undoing. Money, real estate, orphans, porpoise rescue, Labradoodles, artifacts, Lance Bass ... The confusion is compounded with an annoying, constant music score (which, curiously, they’ve made available for purchase.) It’s. Just. Too. Much. ★★☆☆☆ Available now. $21.99 MSRP
Folsom Forever
Wit and sodomite Oscar Wilde said, “Anyone who disappears is said to be seen in San Francisco.” They probably end up at the Folsom Street Fair. Every year about 400,000 people attend the hedonistic carnival. Each September, leather, rubber and kink fetishists from the GLBT community converge South of Market Street and let it all hang out. Boy, do they ever! Sister Roma crows, “There’s nothing I love more than a great big circle jerk!” This 72-minute documentary is a valentine, giving a brief but fascinating history of San Fran’s legendary Skid Row and how the gay community took over. In 1984 the Folsom Street Fair formed to raise funds as an answer to the escalating AIDS crisis. Today, the fair donates nearly $325,000 to nonprofits. If you’ve never been, the doc explores the the lewd, lascivious and perhaps shocking side of the fair (expect lots of nudity. Yay!) but bogs down somewhat when they go into excessive detail about the financial and operational side things, sounding a bit like an informercial. ★★★☆☆ Available now. $17.99 MSRP July 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 53
The Dickumentary A Short History of the Penis
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alleywhacker. Baloney Pony. Putz. Meat Thermometer. Trouser Trout. Pecker. Dudes, it’s all about the penis. The Dickumentary: A Short History of the Penis is an evolutionary documentary telling the story that started 250 million years ago in the primordial ooze, climaxing (ahem!) to the state of the art penile enhancement surgery today. Depictions of the erect penis were exposed in ancient Egypt, as well as on a hillside in England with the possibly prehistoric Cerne Abbas Giant (middle), in sculpture, like the bacchanalian Barberini Faun, and in lots and lots of modern day pornography. Some cultures love the penis. Publicly. At the Honen Fertility Festival (lower right)in Komaki, Japan, a large, wooden penis is enthusiastically carried in a parade. It’s part of the Shinto faith. In India, you can’t get away from Shiva’s lingam. (top) Dickumentary director Sofian Khan visited fourteen countries documenting how other cultures celebrated man’s beef bayonet. He toured the Museum of the Penis in Reykjavik, Iceland, spoke to a quirky Egyptologist, interviewed porn god Ron Jeremy along with assorted female adult entertainers, and talked to Jonah Falcon, the man with the 13.5” penis. Like the penis itself, the genital history is, well, “growing.”
pleasing vision of the penis as an object of reverence and fertility power,” said Khan. “The way they render the phallus itself is aesthetically pleasing. It’s very respectful, sexual and religious at the same time. Japan has a more aesthetic response, but I don’t how healthy their everyday sexuality is. If you’re going to talk about a society where the penis is everywhere, I think India is the top. If you ask, ‘Is that Shiva’s lingam?’ sitting in a shrine they’ll say,’ no, that’s not what that is.’ The people have separated the phallic image to become something else.” Though some cultures acknowledge the penis in an open, healthy way. But not everybody around the world does. “I would say in America we have the most unhealthy problem with the penis,” Khan discovered. “The size issue is so prominent; with porn it’s something we’re exporting to other places that didn’t think about it as much as they do now. That’s unhealthy–people who
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feel bad about themselves because of their size is what I’m getting at, not necessarily celebrating someone with great size or that they should be seen as a freak. People with body image issues are being attacked with this message. There’s pills, stretching, and, of course, surgery is on the rise. There’s a big demand for it. The surgeon in San Diego we interview is doing a Super Bowl commercial. I can definitely say with confidence it’s unhealthy here. The penis offers some surprising tales. Supposedly, Christ’s holy foreskin ascended up into Heaven with Him. In Islam, their prophets are born without foreskin to circumvent the unpleasantness of circumcision. The Dickumentary explores the history of circumcision and how it became medicalized in the United States. “It has no real medical benefits. It surprised me how powerful that idea is; a huge percentage of people are doing this practice without questioning it.” Surprisingly, the documentary omits addressing gay men, who–not surprisingly–happen to be particularly fond of the penis. “I really wanted to specifically address 56
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this gay culture. It ended up being too difficult to do it justice,” Khan reflected about the omission. “The film kind of skirts around it, which is ironic since we asked so many women about it; men are thinking about their penis very differently than women. “I found that with gay men that there’s more appreciation but on a different level that had to do with appearance or proportion. Men are always thinking about size. Gay men focus on details like the aesthetics of the penis. I don’t know if it’s a trend or not, but the language and the way they talk about in a heterosexual context is blunt. I think when gay men talk about it, it’s like Eskimos and snow; there’s all these different words. They talk about with much finer detail. That’s missing from the film.” This is just the tip. “We’re editing more material,” said Khan. “I originally envisioned this as a five or six episode series. I really wanted this to be the definitive penis film. We covered a lot of ground, but there’s more to talk about. Maybe a sequel.” Because everybody wants more dick. Right? The Dickumentary: A Short History of the Penis is distributed by Breaking Glass, Inc., and available on Amazon.com $17.99 (Top, director Kahn on location in Japan) (Center - The Barberini Faun)
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The studios are peddling a little bit of everything on the silver screen this summer, like documentaries about Amy Winehouse and Marlon Brando, plus the feud between Gore Vidal and William F. Buckley. Look for animated features like Minions and The Seventh Dwarf. Like superheroes? Check out Ant-Man and wait ‘til August for The Fantastic Four. But beware! Jennifer Lopez made another movie! I know! Right? Sheesh.
Summer Cinema Pixels
Amy
Starring: Adam Sandler, Kevin James A time capsule sent into space alarms aliens with arcade game videofeeds. They retaliate, sending 80s videogame characters like PacMan, the Super Mario Brothers and Donkey Kong to attack Earth while videogame experts deal with the threat. Shades of Ghostbusters. Opens July 24
Lila and Eve
Starring: Nat Wolf, Cara Delevingne A coming of age story about Quentin (Wolf, the blind kid in The Fault In Our Stars) and his alluring, yet mysterious alternachick neighbor, Margo. Her sudden disappearance forces her pals on a wild goose chase searching for her, finding cryptic clues along the way. If you read or saw Fault, expect some weepy moments. Opens July 24
Good news! Singer Amy Winehouse is four years sober this month! Too soon? This doc tells the troubled singer’s incredible story, featuring archival footage and previously unheard tracks, capturing her rare talent in a moving, vital film. Opens July 10
Starring: Viola Davis, Jennifer Lopez A grudge match between the uncaring law and two grieving mothers avenging their children’s deaths erupts. The scariest part of this thriller will be the poor audiences forced to watch J-Lo attempting to act. Again. Yes. Sadly enough, we remember the laughable The Boy Next Door. And Gigli. And ... Opens July 17
Paper Towns
Vacation
Starring: Ed Helms, Christina Applegate “You’ll all be whistling ‘Zip-A-Dee Doo Dah’ out of your assholes!” Clark Griswold’s son Rusty surprises his hapless family with the vacation of a lifetime: A road trip to the fabled amusement park Walley World! A revamped reboot of the nutty John Hughes classic. Opens July 29
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Grass Roots Whistlin’ Dixie
In a competitive industry where everyone is jockeying for “The Best This” or “The Best That” you really only want one thing: Food that’s well-prepared, with honesty, a friendly, knowledgeable, efficient staff, in an unpretentious and clean setting. Sometimes it ends up blowing your doors off without you even knowing it. Grassroots Kitchen & Tap at the Town & Country Shops is that kind of place. Proprietor and hands-on chef Chris Collins, a fourth generation restaurateur, took over the sad, longforgotten Baby Kay’s Cajun Kitchen, renovated the space, created a menu where everything’s made from scratch, giving you Southerninfluenced American cuisine. It’s food that made America great ... with a some new twists.
ingredient of many Cajun dishes. Choose from Grassroots’ seven salads. Some are traditional, but have a hip, unpretentious spin. The Cardiff Salad ($14) offers a bed of field greens, cherry tomatoes, California avocado, radish, edamame and corn with tender, flavor-packed, poached shrimp. The surprise is a old time fave: Louis dressing. Since around 1900 this simple, smooth dressing is basically mayonnaise with red chili sauce, onion, parsley and–get this–heavy cream. It’s divine. We can’t wait to try their Roasted Chicken Waldorf. Sandwiches run the gamut from a Shrimp Po’Boy to Cajun Spiced Ahi Tuna, from $12-$16. We opted for the special: a pastrami sandwich on a pretzel bun. The succulent meat was hot,
Hopefully your soup of the day option will offer up Gumbo. Our fabulous, sassy server advised me, “This isn’t traditional gumbo; there’s no shrimp.” Gumbo recipes vary wildly. This gumbo base was dark and earthy, like it should be. In addition to the chicken, the star is the Tasso sausage, a specialty of south Louisiana cooking: spicy, heavily peppered, smoky July 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 61
cilantro. If you don’t like cilantro, well ...
tender and lean. Brother’s Tangy Slaw was the side we chose. The crisp, green cabbage has the customary mayo-based dressing, but the real kick is a noticeable dash of chopped
Looking for an entrée? Sink your teeth into the ‘Roti & Rib Combo for $23. A moist, rotisserie chicken breast is paired with a half-rack of Grassroots’ meaty, succulent Carolina Baby Back Ribs, slow smoked in-house and grill-finished. The bbq sauce has all the sweet ‘n’ sour, tangy, spicy
and sugary elements you expect. The side of Southern Baked Beans with pork belly is larrupin’ good; the beans are firm, the sauce (a secret, I’m sure, like most Southern recipes) bearing an appropriate hint of molasses and dark brown sugar. Other selections including short ribs, an apple brined “Almost Famous Pork Chop,” brisket and more look mighty tempting. A fine catch of seafood featuring blackened red fish, broiled rainbow trout, and Southern shrimp & grits sound too good to pass up in another visit. We couldn’t ignore the Coconut Cream Pie calling our name. A blue ribbon favorite anywhere, the sweetened flakes of coconut folded into the rich, custard filling with a hint of vanilla is as good as anything Mary Ann could whip up on Gilligan’s Island.
The lunch clientele is Biltmore business-y crowd with a smattering of Ladies Who Lunch and casual. The island bar broadcasts sports events on three large, unblinking wide-screen TVs (a big turn-off, in my book.) Social Hour, 3-6 craft offers beer, wine (both on tap) and signature cocktails. A tempting array of six nibblies. Grassroots Kitchen & Tap gives us “The Best of Dixie” and a little bit more. It might just blow your doors off, honey. Grassroots Kitchen & Tap Town and Country 2119 E Camelback Rd, Phoenix, AZ 85016 (602) 368-8766 M-Thurs & Sun: 11 a.m.-9 p.m. Fri-Sat: 11 a.m.-10 p.m.
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ION Weddings
The perfect wedding starts here! CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN A TIME FOR CHOCOLATE (602) 628-0390 ATimeForChocolate.com EVENT PLANNING EVENTS BY DANIELLE
(602) 405-6832
FLORISTS PJ FLOWERS & EVENTS (602) 995-4999 7828 N. 19th Ave, #12, Phoenix GIFT REGISTRIES MACY’S BILTMORE (602) 468-2100 2410 E. Camelback Road, Phoenix MACY’S FASHION SQ. (480) 840-0333 7014 East Camelback Road, Scottsdale JEWELERS CORNELIS HOLLANDER (480) 423-5000 4151 N Marshall Way, Scottsdale DIAMOND JIM’S 6005 N 16th St, Phoenix (602) 466-1772 10001 W. Bell Rd, Sun City (602) 977-2299 HOTEL WYNDHAM GARDEN INN (602) 604-4906 3600 N. 2nd Ave, Phoenix PHOTOGRAPHERS SCOTTY KIRBY ScottyKirby.com
(480) 369-4529
FERNANDO HERNANDEZ (602) 622-4792 NightFuse.com FRANKLIN DIAZ
(602) 214-4019
PHOTO BOOTHS CRAZY SHOTZ CrazyShotz.com
(602) 487-7066
NO FUSS PHOTO BOOTH (480) 766-0349 NoFussPhotoBooths.com OFFICIANTS KEVIN BUSHAW (602) 369-6680 RICHARD STEVENS (602) 486-6996 TEMPEST DUJOUR tempestdujour@gmail.com TUXEDOS ROSE TUXEDO (602) 957-0089 4031 North 24th Street, Suite C, Phoenix, To have your business listed here, call Jack Tesorero at (602) 750-1164 July 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 69
STEAMY SUMMER Photography by Marco Ovando
#HOOKER is a bold new men’s collection by designer Andreu David that offers details, colors and embellishment rarely seen in athletic wear today. The idea was inspired by David’s years in the gay party scenes of New York, Atlanta and LA where he would observe how hard bartenders and go-go boys would work and the little gratitude and respect they’d receive from patrons. “These men were viewed as sex objects providing a service, like prostitutes but without the sex,” he says. “It got me to thinking how people treat others differently based on their profession and how the more respected one’s occupation is, the higher his position on the social pyramid.” Through his collection, David aims to promote equality and acceptance, arguing everyone is essentially selling something to gain something. “We’re all working to survive and achieve happiness. We are all hookers. I’m not sure mainstream America is ready for #HOOKER,” he reflects, “but it’s never been my aim to be accepted by them. My goal is to be provocative; stir up social ideology and challenge society’s rules.” All #HOOKER garments are made in the USA. David gives considerable thought into designing each piece so they not only look great but perform well, too. The
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swim and underwear collection are made with imported fabrics enhanced with performance-driven properties, like quick dry, moisture management and COOLMAX®. The brand is anchored by the colors of black, pink and gold with the brand’s signature vibrant shade of #Hooker Pink.
#HOOKER is available now at HashtagHooker.com
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#HOOKER
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BISBEE PRIDE
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HISTORIC OLD BISBEE
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IONTUCSON
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THURSDAY NIGHTS
IBT’S
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Vol. 9, Issue 4
JULY 2015
OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.
ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL
SCOTUS Justice Scalia Throws a Conniption OUTRAGEOUS!
OUTRAGEOUS!
labeled him a skilamalink who’s not to be trusted WASHINGTON, D.C. – The landmark ruling and will do anything to take the egg. of the Supreme Court in Obergefell v. Hodges and same-sex marriage threw conservative “Justice Scalia feels that this entire kerfuffle is Judge Antonin Scalia into a swivet. Noted TRUTH for ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL a lot of fiddle-faddle in the first place,” said one his extensive vocabulary, Scalia flummoxed anonymous clerk at the Supreme Court. “Scalia America when he accused the ruling to be doesn’t feel this went down according to Hoyle. “applesauce” and the reasoning “interpretative Everything’s been higgeldy-piggeldy around here jiggery-pokery.” He cited the DOMA ruling with all these monkeyshines in the courtoom. ” two years ago to be “legalistic argle-bargle.” The discombobulated justice didn’t have a tailfeather left by the time the ruling was issued. His contumelious approach to reason is humbuggery. Scalia’s attempt to bamboozle the public with his stultiloquence. Liberals have
With the 5-4 ruling, liberal and conservative judges fought like Kilkenny cats, while Scalia was advised, “Keep your shirt on,” by Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. “You old fart.”
OUTRAGEOUS!
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OUTRAGEOUS! Stars Donate Fancy Water to Curb Drought
OUTRAGEOUS!
OUTRAGEOUS! ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. – Now in its third year, the 100 Year Drought plaguing the Land of Fruits, Nuts and Vegetables deepens. Residents are requested to limit or abolish watering lawns, restrict baths and showers as well as flushing toilets. The water tables are drastically being lowered with low rainfall.
all the bottled water they had. I want to help.”
OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!
Veteran actor and philanthropist Robert Redford is organizing an all-star charity event called, “Drought Out.” Celebrities, actors, singers and probably a few mimes will gather at the fames Santa Monica Pier for a weekend of giving as ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL they pour all of their premium bottled water back into the Pacific Ocean as Justin Timberlake sings, Stars of the silver screen are stepping up to ANY RESEMBLANCE THE TRUTH ISATRAGICALLY “Cry Me River.” Donations ofACCIDENTAL bottled water the plate to help as they tap into TO their reserves will be accepted from all California residents and of pricey bottled water in an effort to give invite them to participate. back. Basements and pantries once packed to overflowing with cases of Evian, Perrier, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are doing their part. Fiji, Vittel, Gerolsteiner and Voss are being ransacked. “We are no longer giving any water to our six children. It’s the least we can do.” “This is serious,” said Tori Spelling. “When Pop singer Justin Beiber said, “Why should I I heard California was running out of water I care? I’m Canadian!” immediately went to Whole Foods and bought
OUTRAGEOUS!
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䌀栀攀挀欀 夀漀甀爀猀攀氀昀 䄀昀琀攀爀 琀栀攀 猀瀀爀攀愀搀 椀渀 䴀䄀刀䤀䌀伀倀䄀 䌀伀唀一吀夀
䘀刀䔀䔀 吀䔀匀吀䤀一䜀 䘀䰀䔀堀 匀倀䄀
㔀㜀 匀⸀ 䈀氀愀挀欀 䌀愀渀礀漀渀 䠀眀礀 倀栀漀攀渀椀砀Ⰰ 䄀娀 㠀㔀 㤀 吀甀攀猀 䨀甀氀礀 ㈀猀琀 㐀㨀 ⴀ㘀㨀 瀀洀 圀攀搀 䨀甀氀礀 ㈀㜀琀栀 㨀㌀ 愀洀ⴀ㈀㨀㌀ 瀀洀
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Dear Miss Tiger,
I
’m sure you know by now, that there are absolutely no subjects off limits for this column. I’ve given advice on everything ... from extracting an Oscar Mayer outta the booty to handling demons that ordained exorcists won’t even touch! I decided to take a break from the ‘perils of boypussy’ and address my female readers like a soothing feminine spray during an Arizona heatwave. This month’s Favorite Bitch® is all about the ladies and their ‘lingus! Dear Miss Tiger, My wife is awesome at eating me out and I have multiple orgasms. She recently began putting a towel around her neck. How do I tell her the towel is a turn off? – Nicole Dear Mount St. Helens, Miss Thing has you bustin’ fire hydrant caps and you have the nerve to complain? If it’ll make you feel any better, invest in some fancy monogram towels during the next Macy’s White Sale ... and shut the hell up!
My new girlfriend won’t squirt in my mouth. What I should do? – Christopher Dear JELL-O Shots, Take yo’ ass to a gay bar. I gurrr-unnnteee that you’ll find someone (quite a few, actually) who’ll be more than happy to use your throat like a dart board. Dear Miss Tiger, My girlfriend enjoys eating cakes and desserts during sex. I tried it but it’s not my thing. What should I do? – Janet Dear Either Little Debbie or Hello Kitty, If your woman is half as good at eating your cream as she is at devouring the center of a Hostess cupcake, then who cares if she brings a lunchbox to bed??? Dear Miss Tiger, I like it when my husband eats grapes from my va-jay-jay, however, I’m afraid he’ll want to experiment with larger items.
Dear Miss Tiger,
– LeAnne
My man isn’t putting in that work! Why do guys expect blow jobs and then don’t want to eat us out?
Dear What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?
– Latisha Dear Not All Guys - Just Your RaggedyAss One, I found your solution by strolling through my iTunes ... and in the words of Lil’ Kim, “If you ain’t lickin’ this - then you ain’t stickin’ this!”
Turn the grapes to boxed wine and he’ll forget all about everything else in the produce aisle. MISS TIGER Advice Columnist • SiriusXM radio personality ... and everyone’s #FAVORITEBITCH Website FavoriteBitch.com Facebook /MissTiger Advice ask@misstiger.com July 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 93
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by Sean Kapera @ Synergistic Studios SynergisticStudios.com
FOLLOW ON INSTAGRAM @SYNERGISTICSTUDIOS
Kedwin Zapata Manhattan Mixologist New York, NY July 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 95
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by Addison DeWitt
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he martinis won’t be quite as A divine. The bottles of booze won’t have the same sparkle. Happy Hours everywhere will definitely not be as happy. A collective sob went up when it was announced that the fabulous Gina Florio (A) left her cozy station behind the bar at Kobalt. Gina helped inaugurate the friendly watering hole over eight years ago, quickly becoming a staple–and a friend– to everybody who walked through the door. As she goes on her grown-up “rumspringa” to explore the Costa Rica, we say, “¡Vaya con Díos, amiga!” Wherever you go, there you are. Don’t forget to write! The art world got an erection when Christie’s opened up one of late artist Andy Warhol’s legendary boxes of crap that he called “Time Capsules.” What did they find? A Polaroid of a youthful stud and scion of our great state’s legendary families: the fabulous Ty Goldwater (B). The one-time
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model for the prestigious Zoli Agency met Warhol (C), receiving an oblique reference in his famous diaries. The image was auctioned off last month with an estimate of $2,000-$3,000. In real American dollars. I have snapshots of Ty from the 90s, I wonder how much they’d fetch? I’m strapped! Audiences were on the edge of their folding chairs at The Rock for the latest “season” of Barbra Seville’s C Drag Race. When all was said and done, the winner was Patricia Mason, v. 2.0. (D) She’s the current Miss Phoenix Entertainer of the Year. I admire her professionalism and dedication to her craft. If you haven’t seen Patty’s unforgettable “Ethel Merman,” I hope one day you do. And I’m also hoping my younger readers actually know who The Merm was. C’mon! You’re supposed to be gay, fer chrissakes!
Tongues were wagging when the winsome ingenue and contestant “Naïve,” also known as the super-scrumptious BS West barback Antonio Espinoza was seen making out with nightlife staple and Robbert McFadden, aka DJ Robbie Winehouse (E). With tongue! Gentle readers, I am not kidding you! Yes, I saw it with my own eyes! And, yes, I’m E jealous. Very. July 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 97
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itness the conjunctions of King and Queen of the solar system, Jupiter and Venus, on July 1 and again on July 31. Romance and Love collide with Pleasure and–admit it–laziness. Be responsive, but practice moderation, so don’t borrow from the future. The month of July has a special, if somewhat obscure holiday that fits your personality. Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 Need to boost your self-esteem? July 3 is “Compliment Your Mirror Day.” Stare into the looking glass and say something nice. Expect a secret admirer to come forth with kudos. You’re hot. Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20 You have a knack for refusing to kowtow or kiss ass in general. July 3 is “Disobedience Day.” You question authority, protest and find ways to riot against the status quo. Or if you’re a “slave,” you’ll say, “No!” to your master. Gemini May 21 - June 21 You adore the finer things in life. July 18 is “Caviar Day.” Luxuries mean everything to you: champagne, Chanel lipstick, 420-thread count sheets and better handbags. Don’t let “things” disguise things that really matter. Cancer June 22 - July 22 Chaos! Bedlam! Mass hysteria! July 14 is “Pandemonium Day.” Expect the unexpected with the wild and wacky to happen. Got a birthday? It’ll be like herding cats for you this month. Leo July 23 - Aug. 22 The only “cover up” anybody needs is for blemishes and hickeys. You’re good at exposing the truth. That’s why July 2 is World UFO Day. Are there extra-terrestrials visiting Earth? If it’s your birthday, you’ll reveal something big that you’ve been investigating. 98
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Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22 You’re about to embark on a difficult task that takes skill, requiring you to walk a fine line. That’s why July 25 is “Threading the Needle Day.” It’s a metaphor. Unless you actually sew, then it could mean both. Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22 July 30 is “Cheesecake Day.” Like your life lately, it’s kind of tart yet sweet. You’ll be facing a mixed bag of feelings. Recommendation? NetFlix the entire series of “The Golden Girls” and eat a lot of cheesecake. Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23 It’s a day of extremes: “All or Nothing Day” on July 26 describes you to a “T.” Deal or no deal. Bet everything. Go for broke. You’ll come out on top. Or bottom. Whichever you prefer. Vers? Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23 In search of something that’s finger lickin’ good? July 6 is “Fried Chicken Day.” You need to indulge in a few things that are forbidden and bad for you. Vegetarian? Make it “Fried Tofu Day.” Improvise! Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20 Hey, smarty-pants! It’s “Embrace Your Geekness Day” on July 13. You watch “Dr. Who” and know all about Windows and Apple computers. You might be a little goofy, but you’re a tiger in the sack. You’ll prove it, too. Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 Take it all off, baby! July 14 is “Nude Day!” Get nekkid! This is also a good time to expose yourself spiritually, emotionally or psychologically. Wearing a clever t-shirt from Brand X for this day is superfluous, but get one anyway. Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 You’re multi-layered, delicious, complex and always leave others satisfied. It’s “Lasagna Day” on July 29. Like the culinary work of art you take time to prepare. Everyone thinks they have your “secret recipe.” Do they?