ION Arizona #170 by ION Arizona

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ARTIST RECEPTION - VICKI REED

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LOS DIABLOS

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JELLO WRESTLING

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CHARLIE’S

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3819 North 3rd Street Suite 26, Phoenix, AZ 85012 (602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com ionarizona@me.com PUBLISHER / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero ............................................ jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ..................................................... kbushaw@me.com EDITOR Deon Brown ................................................... ionazeditor@me.com COPY EDITOR .......................................................... Austin Head GRAPHIC DESIGNER ......................................... Angel Jimenez PRODUCTION & ARTWORK SUBMISSIONS

ionazproduction@me.com

ADVERTISING SALES Jack Tesorero ............................................................ (602) 750-1164

jacktesorero@me.com

PHOTOGRAPHERS:

Fernando Hernandez Franklin Diaz Scotty Kirby Sean Kapera Marco Ovando Sue McConnell Stephanie Anne Donaghue NATIONAL ADVERTISING REPRESENTATIVE Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 CONTRIBUTORS:

Stacey Jay Cavaliere Addison DeWitt C. Edwards Ted Kirby

Peter Lora Benjamin Neher Paul Sanchez Miss Tiger

Published monthly by

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee. NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company. Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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BOMBA LUCHA

FOR MORE GREAT PHOTOS VISIT IONAZ.COM

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PA Z CANTINA

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Back to Pool I

f you’re a student coming to Arizona for the first time, welcome! Arizona is an amazing state with a diverse variety of cities, cultures and people. There’s plenty to see and do. Use ION Arizona as your guide to your LGBT community and our supporters. When most states cool down during the fall, most of Arizona is still hot and sunny. So, while students still have to hit the books, at least you can do in style by the pool. This issue features sexy students as they continue their education at one of Arizona’s great colleges and universities. They’re wearing a collection of swimsuits from the 90s through today. While some of them are out of production, you can find others at TUC Shop’s newest location. See all the boys in their swimsuits on page 61. We were lucky enough to get an interview with Pearl, the RuPaul’s Drag Race season 7 top three finalist who, along with five other of your favorite drag racers from the hit show on Logo TV, will be coming

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to the Orpheum Theatre in Phoenix on Thursday, August 13 with “Drag Starz Fan Faves, as seen on TV” spectacular. Check it out on page 30. By the time you read this, Apollo’s Lounge‑Arizona’s oldest continuously open gay bar‑will be closed. The latest owners of the bar, Ron Lindblad and Lee Revelle, energized the community for years. They raised money for great causes, supported nearly every LGBT event, non-profit, publication and other LGBT bars, too. To Ron and Lee, all I have to say is, “Thank you.” Thank you for all you have done for our community. But most importantly, thank you for being a friend to all of us. We’ll certainly miss Apollo’s, but look forward to seeing what you have planned for the future and wish you the best of luck. We live in changing and exciting times. Get out and enjoy all the great things Arizona and your community has to offer.

Jack M. Tesorero - Publisher

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匀椀最渀甀瀀渀漀眀昀漀爀䘀愀氀氀㈀㄀㔀愀甀搀椀琀椀漀渀猀℀

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An Evening of Jazz

Meet Jazz Jennings and her extraordinary family, the subjects of an upcoming TLC docu-series “I Am Jazz: A Family In Transition.” They’ll be part of a panel discussion about the life altering decisions they made with their tween trans daughter. Jazz is a Transgender Youth Activist and HRC Youth Ambassador. Music provided by the Aletheia String Quartet. Saturday, August 8 from 6-9 p.m. at Memorial Hall at Steele Indian School Park, 300 Indian School Rd. in Phoenix. More information and tickets available at OnenTen.org/Jazz (See ad on p. 40)

Karamba’s 11th Anniversary ¡Feliz Cumpleaños to our amigos at Karamba’s! It’s fiesta time! The first 150 people get a free Karamba LED lighted t-shirt and 300 more lucky muchachos y muchachas get a souvenir keychain. Best of all, tickets for Madonna’s “Rebel Heart Tour” at will be given away to ten very lucky people! Saturday, August 22 at Karamba’s, 1724 E. McDowell Rd. in Phoenix. 602-254-0231KarambaNightclub.com (See ad on p. 11)

Toga Party at BS West

Party like it’s 69! A.D., that is! Dress up like Vespasian, or even Lucius Calpurnius Piso Licinianus–if somebody else isn’t already. Why? It’s time for a Toga Party! Grab your 480-thread count sheets and–bam!– you’re Caesar Augustus! You don’t even have to wear your chonies! Party down on Saturday, August 22 at BS West, 7125 E. 5th Ave. in Scottsdale. 602-945-9028. BSwest.com (See ad on p. 17) Note: Short togas are “in” this season!

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Gear Night at The Anvil

Break out your best leather harness, chaps, vests, and jockstraps, too. This is what you’ve been waiting for: It’s Gear Night at The Anvil! Let your manliest rough ‘n’ tough inhibitions run wild. Feeling a little piggy? Dominant? Submissive? Saturday, August 29 The Anvil is the place to be. 2424 E. Thomas Rd. in Phoenix. 602-334-1462 TheAnvilBarAZ.com

Aqua Pura Pool Party for EQAZ

Dive Into Equality! We’ll see you at the summer’s hottest pool party! All proceeds benefit Equality Arizona, the states oldest and largest LGBT advocacy agency. Hang out poolside with all the cool kids! Limited cabana packages are available. Jam out to the hottest tunes with a live DJ on the fabulous Lustre Bar & Pool overlooking downtown Phoenix. Mark your calendar for Sunday, August 30, 11 a.m.- 5 p.m. Get your tickets early at EqualityArizona.org. (See ad on p. 70)

AUGUST 2015 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE

EVENT

LOCATION

CITY

Sun/Mon Trans Pole Dancers C7 Phoenix Tues Amateur Strip Night C7 Phoenix Tues Temptation Tuesdays Ladies’ Night BS West Scottsdale Thurs Wild Men of the West C7 Phoenix Fri Dirty Daddy Dancers & Blackout Party C7 Phoenix Sat Dirty Daddy Dancers C7 Phoenix 1 Leather Rummage Sale The Anvil Phoenix 5 Speed Dating Kobalt Phoenix 7 Red Light Party The Rock Phoenix 8 An Evening of Jazz - Memorial Hall @ Phx Indian School Park Phoenix 9 Celebrity Impersonations at “Illusions” Tempe Improv Tempe 9 Dancing with the Bars Tempe Center for the Arts Tempe 9 Dancing with the Bars After Party Stacy’s @ Melrose Phoenix 11 Jalapeno Rock Karamba Phoenix 12 Great Gatsby Party Karamba Phoenix 13 Drag Starz Fan Favs Orpheum Theatre Phoenix 14-15 Black Out Bash Dick’s Cabaret Phoenix 18 Madonna All Day Bliss / ReBar Phoenix 21 AZ Pups & Handlers The Anvil Phoenix 22 Karamba’s 11th Anniversary Karamba Phoenix 22 Toga Party BS West Scottsdale 23 Wedding & Honeymoon Expo JW Marriott Desert Ridge Phoenix 29 Gear Night The Anvil Phoenix 29 Solid Gold - American Soul Train NuTowne Saloon Phoenix

SEPTEMBER 4 5-7 6

Tropicalismo Apache Labor Day Weekend Party Carnaval Latino

Karamba Charlie’s Karamba

Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix

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WONDERLAND WEEKEND

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STACY’S @ MELROSE

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Josh’s Celebration Everybody’s favorite Josh Rivers is back from medical treatment in Panama and he’s celebrating his birthday! Join DJ Josh when he spins his own music mix and brings on da funk for this special occasion. Josh welcomes RuPaul’s Drag Race All Star queen Chad Michaels and RPDR contestant Latrice Royale to the stage along with Coco St. James, Savannah Stevens, Luna Love. Nevaeh McKenzie and DJ Tsunami host this special event on Monday, August 17 at 8 p.m. with a special Meet ‘n’ Greet is at 7 p.m. at BS West, 7125 E. 5th Ave in Scottsdale.

AUGUST 2015 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE TIME Sat 8 7:00pm Sun 9 8:00pm Wed 12 Thur 13 8:00pm Fri 14 Fri 14 10:00pm Mon 17 8:00pm Sun 23 2:00pm Fri 28 10:00pm Fri 21 10:00pm Mon Sept 7 1:00pm Mondays 9:30pm Mondays 10:00pm Tuesday 10:00pm Tuesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 10:30pm Wednesdays 10:00pm Thursdays 10:30pm Thursdaya 9:00pm Fridays 10:30pn Fridays 10:30 Fridays 9:00pm Fridays 9:00pm Fridays 9:00pm Fridays 10:00pm 2nd Saturday 9:30pm Saturdays 9:00pm Saturdays 10:30pm Saturdays 10:00pm Saturdays 9:30pm Sundays 8:30pm Sundays 10:30pm 28

LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S) Kobalt Celia Putty Tempe Improv Illusions Celebrity Impersonation Show Karamba Great Gatsby Party / Adriana Galliano’s Birthday Party Orpheum Theatre Drag Starz Fan Faves Kobalt La Femme Magnifique The Rock Barbra Seville’s Girly Show BS West Josh’s Celebration with Chad Michaels and Latrice Royale Cruisin’ 7th Big Booty Judy The Rock Lady Christian’s Trailer Trash Revue The Rock Barbra Seville’s Girly Show Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot’s Labor Day Show Kobalt Drag Bingo Charlie’s Claudia B Hosts Nearly Nekkid Men Karamba Savannah Moussier’s Show BS West Stars Choice Talent Showcase IBT’s Viva La DIVA Kobalt Garden Variety Revue with Olivia Gardens Karamba Karamba Girls - Adriana Galiano & Karime Lizaldi Charlie’s Nevaeh’s High Heels & Halos Karamba Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds Twisted Peacock Throwback Thursdays with Celia Putty and Coco St. James Cruisin’ 7th Nikki at Night with Nikki Knowles The Rock Special Event Rotating Drag Shows Plazma Freaky Fridays with Celia Putty IBT’s Absolutely Flawless with China Collins BS West Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers OZ Classy Corona & The Go Go Boys Kobalt Celia Putty IBT’s Starrletts with Janee Star Cruisin’ 7th The Fabulous Mia Inez Adams The Rock The Barbra Seville Show Charlie’s Pussy’s Patio Show Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot & Friends Karamba Diamond’s Show

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Pearl’s Jam For RuPaul’s Drag Race Finalist, the World is Her Oyster

by Deon Brown

earl Liaison is the glamorous creation of Matthew James Lent. As Pearl she kept audiences guessing what would happen next on RuPaul’s Drag Race, season 7, where she was among the top three finalists, competing with Ginger Minj and Violet Chachki for the title of “America’s Next Drag Superstar.” She butted heads after a harsh critique from RuPaul, bluntly asking the grande dame of drag, “Is there something on my face? Then why are you staring at me?” Pearl participated in a photo project with Wilhelmina Artists called, “The Transformation of Pearl” channeling icons like Farrah Fawcett, Barbarella and others. In addition to an EDM dance album, he just inaugurated a unisex fragrance called, “Flazéda” meant to capture “an opulent night out in New York City. (1.7 ounce is $124 at Xyrena.com.) The online commercial captures Pearl’s Old Hollywood glamour. How to describe Pearl? Like her fragrance, she’s very flazéda. “The word came as a result of being exhausted after a long day of filming,” she explained. It’s since become a commonly used phrase and hashtag among show fans. “It’s anything positive,” she said. Matthew a.k.a. Pearl chatted with ION about his career since RPDR, the nudie snapshot scandal, and what he’d call his own reefer that he’s so fond of.

ION: Do you feel like you’re under more pressure? Pearl: Especially when you’re under a microscope and people are analyzing your every move. Right now I feel like it’s okay. I love to work. I’ve always been a hard worker, but I simply cannot dress up like “Pearl” for the rest of my life. I mean, I feel more under pressure about my future and for the rest of my life. I’m trying to enjoy what I’m doing at this moment. ION: What did you think when you didn’t win? Pearl: I really wasn’t terribly sad or anything. There’s a lot of responsibility that comes with winning. I could’ve handled it, but I’m not sure if I wanted to. I’m so happy for Violet; I didn’t think I was really gonna win. I was way too controversial on the show. My relationship with RuPaul was so ... confusing. (Laughs) ION: What would you like for ION readers to know about you that might surprise them? Pearl: I didn’t feel like myself on the show by any means. I never felt really comfortable in front of the cameras–I thought that I would. The whole experience was so unreal. There’s a lot that went into post-production that I disagreed with. I definitely was not myself when I was there, let’s say that. They decide who you’re gonna be the first day that you’re there and you kinda just work with it. Whatever they need for the story to be, they can edit it. So, I guess that I’m pretty much opposite of what you see on the show. August 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 31

ION: If you weren’t “Pearl” what would Matthew James Lent be doing? Pearl: I was a barber for seven years. For five I worked exclusively in a barber shop ‘til a week just before the show aired. I’d guess I’d still be in the hair industry, do freelance, drag and try to be my own artist. ION: You recently had your own “Pamela Anderson” kind of moment, thanks to the internet. Any comment?

ION: You have a new Dance/EDM album called Pleasure, featuring a single with a video: “Love Slave.” Unlike other RPDR Queens’ singles, there are no vocals by Pearl. Pearl: I don’t sing. I’m very happy with the album! Personally, I like it a little bit gritty and underground, a nastier beat–a little bit deeper. I’m trying to appeal to all audiences and my fan base. It’s a really nicely grounded album. There’s darker beats, lighter beats, fun beats for all kinds of people. ION: You also have your own personal fragrance, “Flazéda.” Pearl: I’m capitalizing on my image at this point in my career, and I’m lucky enough to have people who want to invest. It was fun creating the scent and fun shooting the commercial for it.

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Pearl: (Pauses, then laughs) Not really. Nothing really to say. I honestly don’t care; I’m not embarrassed or ashamed. (Laughs again) [We saw the pictures. He has nothing to be ashamed of. – Ed.] ION: We have a question from a fan and reader: “If you were to hybridize your own strain of ganja, what would you call it?” Pearl: That’s a good question. Oh my god ... There’s so many options ... Probably after my first puppy, “Bunny.” Maybe I’ll be the first to create my own ganja!

Pearl brings her “ultimate Stepford wife robot-bitch” incarnation with RPDR alumnae Latrice Royale, Trixie Mattel, Joslyn Fox, Jujubee and Milk in “Drag Starz. Fan Favs. As Seen on TV” at 8 p.m. on Thursday, August 13 at the Orpheum Theatre, 203 W. Adams St. in Phoenix. For tickets go to TicketForce.com or call 602-262-7272

Drag Starz Fan Faves Milk

This 26-year-old, wholesome, rich ‘n’ creamy (if not a slightly bizarre) out-of-the box queen is also real life competitive figure skater, Daniel Donigan. His got his moniker during a meeting of the minds at the Cheesecake Factory. Well, and because of his “ability to make women lactate when out of drag.” Milk competed in RPDR season 6, finishing in ninth place. He formed a group of performers called, “The Dairy Queens.” Milk’s advice? “Be patient, be happy, be fucking fabulous!” Check her out at BigandMilky.com

Trixie Mattel

When it comes to putting on stage makeup, they say paint for the back row. “I paint for the check cashing place down the street,” says Trixie, who hails from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. This wacky doll worked the stage of RPDR season 7, placing sixth. Trixie’s controversial elimination outraged viewers and (finally!) had fans wondering, “Exactly how ‘real’ is ‘reality TV?’” She later returned where she was paired up with Pearl for the “Conjoined Twin Challenge.” Her life in plastic is fantastic! Accessories sold separately, batteries not included. Appropriate for ages 18 and up. Check this doll out at TrixieMattel.com August 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 33

JuJubee

A veteran from RPDR season 2, JuJuBee easily chantéd her way into the top three, never once pausing having to lipsynch for her life. The real-life Airline Inthyrath is of Laotian descent and also fluent in Thai. Combined with English, she has the ability to “read you to filth” with no problem. JuJuBee, 31, also appeared on RuPaul’s Drag U. Warm, talented and a clear fan favorite, JuJuBee says, “I feel like I’m a superhero diva and my power is glitter!” For everything about this LadyBoy extraordinaire, visit JuJuBeeOnline.com

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Latrice Royale

She’s large and in charge! The warmhearted plus-sized queen competed in RPDR season 4 in 2012, where she made it to the top four queens. Timothy Wilcots auditioned as Latrice Royale for RPDR on a dare. She also went for the crown in RPDR “All Stars” later in 2012 as well as appearing in RuPaul’s Drag U. Hailing from fabulous Compton, California, the queen temporarily vacationed in a Dade County, Florida correctional facility before she went from slammer to glamour. ‘‘It was a mistake, and I learned from it, and I won’t do it again.’’ The shade of it all! Latrice Royale currently headlines at The Palace Bar in South Beach, Florida. For all things queenly go to LatriceRoyal.com

Joslyn Fox

“Keep it foxy! Wonk! Wonk!” says 30-yearold Bay Stater Patrick Joslyn, whose sexy alter-ego Joslyn Fox–the “black horse” of the competition–placed sixth in RPDR season 6. One of the fishiest Drag Racers and a fan favorite, Fox married her fiancé on stage by RuPaul during the cast reunion. Fun Fact: Fox shares her home with several dearly departed souls–good and not-so-good. She communicates with them with a Ouija board. Would you like to communicate with the foxy Fox? Find out everything about her at JoslynFox.com

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Tarzan: the musical “Me, Tarzan. You, Jane.” When father-daughter scientists travel abroad to study the flora and fauna of the jungle, you can only imagine what happens when they meet the tall, chiseled, muscular Tarzan who was raised by gorillas. This production features a gorgeous Lord of the Apes you won’t want to miss, plus the handsome Stephen Serna co-stars, too! Now through August 22 at Hale Centre Theatre, 50 W. Page Ave. in Gilbert. Go to HaleTheatreArizona.com for tix or call 480-497-1181

Adult Puppet Slam Hey, these ain’t the same puppets from Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood. Expect a few four-letter words and racy “adult situations” in this quirky, edgy puppet show from Arizona’s leading puppeteers. Got kids? Don’t bring ‘em! Friday, September 4 and Saturday 5 at the Great Arizona Puppet Theatre on Third Avenue at 302 W. Latham St. by the Hance Deck Park in Phoenix. Go to AZpuppets.org for more info and tix.

Hysteria Psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud and the eccentric artist Salvador Dalí meet for tea one afternoon in 1938. Jessica arrives, bringing serious charges against Freud. In his last months, Freud finds himself explaining his life’s work and the lady’s underpants that appeared in his garden. Presented by the Southwest Shakespeare Company. September 4-19 at the Mesa Arts Center, 1 E. Main St. in Mesa. For tickets go to SWShakespeare.org or call 480-644-6500

AUGUST 2015 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE EVENT Mondays Stand Up Comedy Night 8 Whitney Cummings thru 9 Legally Blonde: the musical 21-9/5 Grounded 21 & 22 Heather McDonald thru 22 Tarzan: the musical 22 Men Are From Mars ... 26-10/4 Wicked 27-30 Tom Green 28-9/20 Lucky Stiff 28-10/10 Something’s Afoot 31 Remember the King SEPTEMBER 3-6 Ralphie May 4-5 Adult Puppet Slam 4-6 Jamie Kennedy 4-19 Hysteria 9-10/4 Chicago

COMPANY The Rock Tempe Improv AZ B’way Theatre iTheatre Collaborative StandUp Live - Phx Hale Centre Theatre AZ Theatre Co. (Tucson) ASU Gammage StandUp Live - Phoenix AZ B’way Theatre Hale Hale Centre Theatre AZ B’way Theatre

PHONE 602-248-8559 480-921-5877 623-776-8400 602-347-1071 480-719-6100 480-497-1181 520-622-2823 480-965-3434 480-719-6100 623-776-8400 480-497-1181 623-776-8400

StandUp Live - Phoenix Great AZ Puppet Theatre Tempe Improv SW Shakespeare Co. Phoenix Theatre

480-719-6100 602-252-2050 480-921-5877 480-644-6500 602-254-2151

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SUMMER ENDS FESTIVAL

MUSIC 2015

Tempe Beach Park • Tempe, Arizona

thursday, September 24th

Friday, September 25th

BRAND NEW thrice • spoon Manchester orchestra Kevin devine Saturday, September 26th

sunday, September 27th

big Sean • rebelution • g-eazy

kanye west

Pepper • iration Kari faux • the green • jez Dior

Sponsored by

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chance the rapper • travis scott kaytranada • vic mensa

@summerendsaz WWW.SUMMERENDSAZ.COM

Sam Smith That sexy, pink Englishman with the pompadour took music by storm with “The Lonely Hour.” He ain’t so lonely these days! (Have you seen him since he started dieting? Hot!) Catch him weep on Wednesday, August 12 at the Gila River Arena, 9400 W. Maryland Ave. in Glendale. For tix go to GilaRiverArena.com or Ticketmaster.com or call 800-745-3000

Idina Menzel

Tony award-winning actress for “RENT,” the green witch Elphaba from “Wicked” and guest star in (what else?) “Glee,” Adele Dazeem sings her heart out on Sunday, August 9 at Comerica Theatre, 401 W. Washington St. All the show queens will be there. Visit TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000. BONUS: She’ll sing, “Let It Go.” Ever heard it?

Taylor Swift Shake, shake, shake! Serial dater Taylor Swift comes to Phoenix to sing about all of her ex-boyfriends on Monday, August 17 at the Gila River Arena, 9400 W. Maryland Ave. in Glendale. For tix go to GilaRiverArena.com or Ticketmaster.com or call 800-745-3000. Don’t tell Kanye West.

AUGUST 2015 ION CONCERT CALENDAR DATE 7 7 8 9 9 9 9 12 12 15 17 18 19 19 20 21 21 21 25 26 26 27 28 29

ARTIST LOCATION Fifth Harmony Comerica Theatre - Phoenix Yuri Celebrity Theatre - Phoenix Grace Potter Celebrity Theatre - Phoenix Grace Potter Rialto Theatre - Tucson Idina Menzel Comerica Theatre - Phoenix Everclear & others Marquee Theatre - Tempe Fall Out Boy Casino del Sol - Tucson Man or Astro Man? Crescent Ballroom - Phoenix Sam Smith Gila River Arena - Glendale Dierks Bentley & others Ak-Chin Pavilion - Phoenix Taylor Swift Gila River Arena - Glendale Colbie Caillat, Christina Perri Casino del Sol - Tucson Colbie Caillat, Christina Perri Comerica Theatre - Phx The Drums Crescent Ballroom - Phoenix Jackson Browne Mesa Arts Center Macy Gray Crescent Ballroom - Phoenix Pat Benatar Wild Horse Pass Casino - Chandler Peter Frampton & Cheap Trick Casino del Sol - Tucson Kelly Clarkson & Eric Hutchinson Ak-Chin Pavilion - Phx Eric Hutchinson Rialto Theatre - Tucson Weird Al Yankovic Casino del Sol - Tucson Vince Gill Casino del Sol - Tucson Heart Celebrity Theatre - Phoenix Pimpinela Celebrity Theatre - Phoenix

PHONE 800-745-3000 602-267-1600 602-267-1600 520-740-1000 800-745-3000 480-839-0707 800-344-9435 602-716-2222 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 800-344-9435 800-745-3000 602-716-2222 480-644-6500 602-716-2222 877-840-0457 800-344-9435 800-745-3000 520-740-1000 800-344-9435 800-344-9435 602-267-1600 602-267-1600

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Aural Fixation

by Peter Lora pintelonegro@gmail.com

Tame Impala -

Currents

After months of absorbing every nuance of the four previously released singles, ‘Let it Happen,” “’Cause I’m a Man,” “Eventually” and Disciples,” there were still questions for Tame Impala mastermind Kevin Parker to answer. Namely, is it possible to compose an entire album that balances obvious nostalgia and a crisp, yet original perspective? The 10-minute long opus “Let it Happen” opens the album. Despite being released months ago and its daunting breadth, it still “crispy,” like a vintage polyester suit that’s been freshly dry-cleaned. The musical themes and motifs on Currents aren’t new, they’re obviously borrowed. What’s new are dichotomies that Parker creates: his signature lo-fi vocal recording style against the very forward instrumentals that you hear throughout. He sounds distant and dreamlike, but the phasers, the finger snaps, the guitar riffs, the perfect drum rolls are all at the forefront. Whereas the similar Random Access Memories by Daft Punk hit the era right on the nose, Parker manages to curate the melodies and sounds of the 70s into a more sophisticated and thoughtprovoking package. The perfect flow of Currents will be making waves for quite a while.

Nina Revisited ... A Tribute To Nina Simone

Interest in the Midcentury icon that was Nina Simone was reignited nearly 10 years ago with the Verve Records’ Verve Remixed Series. Nina Revisted ... A Tribute to Nina Simone is a

companion piece to the new, must-see Netflix produced documentary What happened? Miss Simone. The documentary masterfully shows the overly talented Simone’s humble beginnings and untimely fall due to her social martyrdom in the 60s civil rights movement, and her struggles with domestic abuse and mental illness. Unlike the new documentary, Revisited misses the practically unattainable mark. Revisited employs the likes of Jazmine Sullivan, Usher, Mary J. Blige and the elusive Lauryn Hill among others to breathe new life into the singer’s best known works. “Oh Baltimore, man, it’s just hard to live,” lyrics from Simone’s classic “Baltimore,” a song that with recent events has garnered more attention and appreciation than ever before. Jazmine Sullivan’s rendition of the song is good, but pales in comparison to Simone’s audible dismay on the original. Usher’s contribution, a bouncy version of “My Baby Just Cares For Me” is boring and Mary J. Blige’ s “Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood” is arranged in a style more appropriate for wedding receptions or Christmas albums. Perhaps the only truly triumphant moment on Revisited is Hill’s perfect interpretation of “Feeling Good” proving she’s the icon’s only true heir apparent.

THE DL SONGS TO DOWNLOAD ARTIST - “SONG” “Abrasive” – Ratatat (pictured above) “Show Me Love” – Sam Feldt feat. Kimberly Anne “Swords” – M.I.A. “Classic Man” – Jidenna “Sparks” – Beach House “Away From Me” – Chinah “Emergency” - Icona Pop “Closure” – Jill Scott “Radio” – Santigold “Can’t Feel My Face” – The Weeknd August 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 41

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ionazeditor@me.com

Blonde & Bros I

t’s hard to judge indie or foreign films against big budget features using the same “Hollywood” yardstick; you just can’t. Each picture reviewed is judged on its merits within its genre. Sometimes indie films can surprise you, stacking up to the best of them. And sometimes big time pix are stinkers. We always hope for the best.

The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe

Marilyn Monroe made 31 films. The impact the breathy star had in pictures, pop culture and history live on. The star’s life, work and legacy are reexamined in the four-hour biopic, The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe, produced for Lifetime this past May. Garner (The Aviator) tackles the role of the vulnerable Norma Jean Baker, morphing into the glamorous Monroe as the Hollywood machinery tears into her. Far from being a slap-dash, muckraking opus (like Lifetime’s jaw-droppingly awful Liz & Dick with Lindsay Lohan), this sensitive retelling (and it’s been told over and over again) of the doomed beauty’s story is engaging. We see Monroe’s troubled childhood, struggling to succeed despite the lack of a father and coping with a mentally ill mother (the always perfect Sarandon, Dead Man Walking). Then there are the marriages with baseball hero Joe DiMaggio and playwright Arthur Miller as well as her misbegotten affair with President JFK and the stints

in sanitariums. Garner’s “Marilyn” is portrayed with sensitivity combined with optimism, tragedy and a heartbreaking convincingness. She never reduces the role to a hackneyed imitation of the bombshell with quivering lips and perky breasts while she whispers baby talk wearing a blonde wig in her downward spiral. The gorgeous costuming, sets and lush art direction recalling MM’s brilliant life are noteworthy, lending authenticity. “I’m trying to prove to myself that I’m a person, then maybe I’ll convince myself that I’m an actress,” Monroe said. Discover the person behind the actress with this sad tale. ★★★★★ Available August 18, SRP $19.98

Tiger Orange

This indie drama reminds me of “Goofus and Gallant” from children’s magazine, Highlights: one kid is loud and troublesome while the other is polite and plays by the rules. Here, two gay brothers are reunited after a lengthy estrangement. Prim, proper Chet (Mark Strano) lives in a small town where he grew up in California’s Central Valley. His renegade brother, Todd (Frankie Valenti), returns after burning the candle at both ends in LA, screwing any guy he can (not good in a small town), getting stoned and fighting. The brothers address their differences, their relationship with their recently deceased stern father, absent mother and realize blood is thicker than water. Valenti might be more familiar to viewers from his XXX career as “Johnny Hazzard.” His years of panting, “Give it to me! Harder! Deeper!” paid off; he delivers an unaffected, solid performance. A thoughtful film about brothers. ★★★✩✩ Available now, SRP $24.98 August 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 43

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Stars, Stoners & Steel

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Ricki and the Flash

Starring: Meryl Streep, Rick Springfield A live-music packed comedydrama. Aging Ricki Rendazzo (Streep, in almost every legendary picture ever made) left everything behind to follow her rock ‘n’ roll dream, making mistakes along the way. A lot of mistakes. She returns home to make amends with her family. Is it too late? Can you go ever really go home again? Streep is reunited with Sophie’s Choice co-star, Kevin Kline, and her real-life daughter, Mamie Gummer. Opens August 7

American Ultra

Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Kristin Stewart Mike (Eisenberg, Zombieland) is an unmotivated stoner. (Have you ever seen a motivated stoner?) His life, and his girlfriend, Phoebe’s, (no doubt believably played by deadeyed, open mouthbreather Stewart, Twilight franchise) is turned upside down when it’s revealed that Mike’s a highly trained lethal sleeper agent whose past comes back to haunt him. Thrust into a deadly government operation,

he’s forced to summon his inner actionhero to survive. Expect lots of “dude”s in the script and jokes about the munchies. Opens August 21

Max Steel

Starring, Ben Winchell, Andy Garcia Based on the best-selling Mattel action figure, 16-year-old Max (hunky Winchell, who looks older than 16) moves back to the town where his scientist father died shortly before his birth. Uh oh. Max can’t control massive energy bursts. He meets Steel, a technoorganic extraterrestrial and the two form a symbiotic relationship, combining both of their energies. Dr. Edwards (Garcia, Godfather III) is the key for Max to find out about these incredible superhero powers and what happened to his dad. Enemy forces lurk nearby. So does a girlfriend, natch. Opens August 28

A Walk in the Woods

Starring: Robert Redford, Nick Nolte, Emma Thompson, Mary Steenburgen After two years in England, travel writer Bill Bryson (Redford, The Way We Were) comes back to the USA. He decides to reconnect to his country by hiking the 2,100 mile Appalachian Trail. When his kooky old friend Stephen Katz (Nolte, Hotel Rwanda) joins him, things get even kookier. A heartwarming, funny memoir/biopic with an all-star cast. Could be incredible, or incredibly schmaltzy. Opens September 2 August 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 45

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Harley’s

Italian Bistro

ho doesn’t love a quickie? We don’t always have the luxury of time–especially when it comes to lunch during the work week. Our favorite paisanos at Harley’s Italian Bistro have thrown open the doors of their ristorante during lunch and are offering a choice selection of menu favorites– all in under an hour! If you’re in Phoenix, in a hurry and playing “Beat the Clock” to get back to work, Harley’s serves up some of their best Italian fare presto allegretto. We know you can’t wait to get back to those spreadsheets and department meetings, right? The new offerings have been specially created for the lunch menu by Chef Chris and Sous Chef Nuvia. Some of our favorite people work at Harley’s, like that adorable Tuesday Pugsley Mahrle as a server and the handsome Brett Kennedy behind the bar during nights.

mozzarella, pepperoncini, red onion, cucumber, tomato and is dressed in a delightful house-made Gorgonzola dressing. A hefty serving means you can share–unless you’re really hungry. $10. You can add shrimp, chicken or prosciutto for only $4. If you want something a bit heftier, you might opt for the Italian Grinder from the Sandwich portion of the menu. Don’t mistake this for the sandwich with cold cuts, veggies and condiments. Harley’s is served piping hot with Italian sausage from Schreiner’s including ground beef and veal, green bell peppers, marinara and baked mozzarella, served on a delicious roll for $11. You can also choose a Meatball Sandwich, Chicken Parmesan, Chicken Caprese, or Melzane, a vegetarian ‘wich with lightly fried eggplant slices, rosata sauce and

In the mood for something light from Nature’s bounty? Harley’s features four fresh salads to choose from. The Italian Chop Salad has great crisp Romaine hearts, pepperoni, Genoa salami, August 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 49

sauce, with onions, sun dried tomato, prosciutto and baby spinach. It’ll fill you up for only $11.

baked mozzarella that sounds tempting. Sandwiches come with a choice of garlic fries or pasta salad. Looking for a piping hot entrée? Harley’s has six different contenders ready for your tabletop. The Bistro Chicken offers up a dish of penne pasta doused in rosata

A specialty you need to fit in is Sun Dried Tomato Mac & Cheese with penne pasta, sun dried tomato, parmesan cream sauce. Rich, smooth, flavorful and decadent, just the way a good mac ’n’ cheese is supposed to be. All this for $10. Make it even better: add shrimp, chicken sausage or prosciutto for only $4 more. We couldn’t say no to the generous addition of sliced sausage. This is a “must.” Trust us. For traditionalists, you’ll find Spaghetti Marinara has a special spot on the menu for only $8. If you like, you can add

meatballs or meat sauce for $3. We say, “Go for it,” to the meat eaters out there. Another vegetarian option is the Melanzane Vesuvio with lightly fried eggplant, rosata sauce, mozzarella and served over penne marinara for only $10. It’s heavenly. If you’re in the mood for something a little more all-American, you can’t go wrong with the “Crack Bread” Burger, grilled, fresh ground beef, topped with marinara, mozzarella, served on their famous baked “Bistro Bread” for $12. The tender, beefy goodness combined with the “pizza burger” element is irresistible. If you’re out for a night on the town at Stacy’s @ Melrose, Harley’s Bistro has some good news: if you and your posse get the munchies, don’t stop the music! Harley’s Bistro is now delivering their fabulous fare exclusively to patrons at Stacy’s every

night, seven nights a week. Just ask your bartenders, like that sexy Time Foye or Trisha for a menu and you’ll have Harley’s fine Italian fare molto vivace! That means “very fast.” Remember, The first Sunday of every month Harley’s offers “Brunch with Benefits” from 11:30 a.m.-1:30 p.m. A different, local, non-profit organization receives a donation, thanks to your generosity and support. So what are you waiting for? 4221 N. 7th Ave. in Phoenix 602-234-0333 Mon-Fri 11 a.m.-2 p.m. LUNCH Mon-Sun 5 p.m.-10 p.m. DINNER HarleysItalianBistro.com

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ION Weddings

The perfect wedding starts here! CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN A TIME FOR CHOCOLATE (602) 628-0390 ATimeForChocolate.com EVENT PLANNING EVENTS BY DANIELLE

(602) 405-6832

FLORISTS PJ FLOWERS & EVENTS (602) 995-4999 7828 N. 19th Ave, #12, Phoenix GIFT REGISTRIES MACY’S BILTMORE (602) 468-2100 2410 E. Camelback Road, Phoenix MACY’S FASHION SQ. (480) 840-0333 7014 East Camelback Road, Scottsdale JEWELERS CORNELIS HOLLANDER (480) 423-5000 4151 N Marshall Way, Scottsdale DIAMOND JIM’S 6005 N 16th St, Phoenix (602) 466-1772 10001 W. Bell Rd, Sun City (602) 977-2299 HOTEL WYNDHAM GARDEN INN (602) 604-4906 3600 N. 2nd Ave, Phoenix PHOTOGRAPHERS SCOTTY KIRBY ScottyKirby.com

(480) 369-4529

FERNANDO HERNANDEZ (602) 622-4792 NightFuse.com FRANKLIN DIAZ

(602) 214-4019

PHOTO BOOTHS CRAZY SHOTZ CrazyShotz.com

(602) 487-7066

NO FUSS PHOTO BOOTH (480) 766-0349 NoFussPhotoBooths.com OFFICIANTS KEVIN BUSHAW (602) 369-6680 RICHARD STEVENS (602) 486-6996 TEMPEST DUJOUR tempestdujour@gmail.com TUXEDOS ROSE TUXEDO (602) 957-0089 4031 North 24th Street, Suite C, Phoenix, To have your business listed here, call Jack Tesorero at (602) 750-1164 August 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 57

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Photography by Scotty Kirby Direction by Kevin Bushaw & Deon Brown | Hair Styling by Johanna Lorraine Models are Trevor Hort, Trevor Grant, and Clarence Howard. Special Thanks to Nicholas Yale. To see this home or others like it contact Nicholas Yale at 480-620-8075 Selected apparel provided by TUC SHOPS 602 W Indian School Rd, Phoenix, AZ 85013 Phone: 602-274-8268

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#HOOKER

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JULY EVENTS

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Vol. 9, Issue 5

AUGUST 2015

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

Trump Toupées Dress Dudes’ Domes. OUTRAGEOUS!

New York City – Donald Trump, American business magnate, entrepreneur, television personality, presidential hopeful and comedian is soon to market a line of luxury hairpieces for men called, “Trump Toupées: the Part of the Deal.”

conservative American White men making at least one-half million dollars yearly,” Trump promises. “Each creation will be modeled after my own completely natural, stylish hair,” he continued.

OUTRAGEOUS!

The free-range hair donors have never been Trump promises that the hair harvested for held in captivity, promoting healthy, luxurious use in the top-notch toupées comes from locks of hair that will be bleached, dyed and only from American White people, and not dried before styling. ANY TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL fromRESEMBLANCE Mexico. “I love my Trump Toupée,” said one “Each one of my deluxe, hand-crafted, anonymous right wing conservative White custom toupées are guaranteed to be male over 50 years old making nearly a million painstakingly created to resemble real dollars annually. “Nobody would confuse me hair,” claims The Donald. “Only the best, for a liberal Democrat when I wear it. Or a heterosexual, Republican hair from 100% bald guy, either.” Caucasian virgin female beauty pageant queens who’ve never nursed an infant Trump Toupées start at $25,000 and will be in America is used to create the most available exclusively at GOPSkinHead.com impressive and realistic hairpieces for

OUTRAGEOUS!

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OUTRAGEOUS! Minnesota Dentist Shoots Beloved Local Cougar. Young Men Furious. OUTRAGEOUS!

Scottsdale – Walter Palmer, the Minnesota dentist who is accused of allegedly shooting and killing a popular and much cherished 13-yearold lion named Cecil living in a ANY RESEMBLANCE Zimbabwe nature preserve recently, is on a slaughtering rampage.

and a pair of Manolo Blahniks near her lair.

“Mrs. Baldridge was totally snatched!” said Troy Dumbarton and Blade Caswell, students at Arizona State University. TRAGICALLY“She’d ACCIDENTAL buy us drinks all the time. Sometimes we’d go out for Mexican food and margs, then go to her crib and, y’know, hook up,” they remembered about the aging socialite.

OUTRAGEOUS! TO THE TRUTH IS

Palmer was recently spotted on a bizarre safari in trendy Scottsdale looking for some wild game The shooting of Mrs. to claim as his own. Baldridge marks a ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY decline ACCIDENTAL As he prowled in Scottsdale through Old Town cougars signaling a Scottsdale he spotted his prey drinking at TRUTH ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE ISofTRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL shortage random mating rituals needed for a local watering hole. Mrs. Christie Ann young, hormonal Valley men. Baldridge, 45-years-old, a divorced mother of four living in DC Ranch, is a popular “We’ve got to stop this dentist before he Scottsdale “cougar” among the male college kills again!” said an anonymous, horny ASU set. Sadly, her everything was cut short by sophomore. the bloodthirsty dentist when he caught the sexy, aging feline wearing a Tom Ford dress

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

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Dear Miss Tiger, TEETH: A good set is essential when landing your first high paying job. Give the smile that makes somebody want to kiss you. And last but not least, using too much of ‘em can make a dude never want to get serviced from yo’ ass ever again! This month’s Favorite Bitch is all about dental realness. Whether you’ve got movie star veneers or look as if ya been chewin’ on a box of rocks ... the teeth better be clean and gingivitis free! If folks have coins to flash iPhones or a round of drinks every Friday night, they sure as hell better set some coins aside to flash something else–a fierce, healthy smile! Dear Miss Tiger, My teeth are getting yellow. How do I whiten them without spending a fortune? – Leather Bear in Phoenix Dear Try Gargling With Cepacol Golden Mouthwash ... Instead of Somebody’s Golden Shower, And on that note ... NEXT! Dear Miss Tiger, Mami, I really need your advice! My husband woke me up in the middle of the night wanting head. I was half asleep and forgot to put in my top dentures. Ever since then, he’s asked me to take my teeth out when I do it. He says it feels better, but I’m not having it! – Juan Dear Unpaid Spokesman For Super PoliGrip, ¡Ay Dios mío! Well, Papi, it looks as if you have two choices here: you can either keep your pride or keep your husband!

My best friend has a huge gap between her two front teeth. People are always talking shit about her behind her back. She can afford to get them fixed but says she likes it. – Dimitri Dear I Bet She Likes Yeast Infections Too, If Miss Thing doesn’t live in a watermelon patch, then I don’t see that gap comin’ in handy any time soon. I’m sorry ... but there is no damn excuse for walkin’ around with a mouth that doubles as elevator doors. Dear Miss Tiger, I’m in love with my dentist. I’ve felt this way for years, so I decided to share my feelings with his receptionist. I was shocked to learn that he’s straight. He had me fooled! Should I tell him how I feel anyway? – Cory Dear Tooth Fairy, Unlike most other victims of perverted dentists, you’d be absolutely thrilled to get taken advantage of while under general anesthesia. What part didn’t you understand when that gal told you he wasn’t gonna dental dam ya? Just because he specializes in crowns, doesn’t make him a queen. Open wide and bite down on reality! MISS TIGER Advice Columnist • SiriusXM radio personality ... and everyone’s #FAVORITEBITCH Website FavoriteBitch.com Facebook /MissTiger Advice ask@misstiger.com August 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 93

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by Sean Kapera @ Synergistic Studios SynergisticStudios.com

FOLLOW ON INSTAGRAM @SYNERGISTICSTUDIOS

Jay Jordan Model Phoenix, AZ August 2015 WWW.IONAZ.COM 95

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by Addison DeWitt

can even write to Piper yourself! Maybe she’ll read your secret desires on the color internet! Visit YouYube.com/user/ HotForPiper today! No nudies, please. Well ...

’m always brokenhearted A when one of my little chicks leave the nest to spread their wings and fly. Our darling Helena Grayson (A) is pursuing true love! All the way to Sweden, no less! Sure, she’ll have lots of ABBA to listen to, Pippi Longstocking books, furniture from IKEA with not enough screws to put it all together, and delicacies like Swedish Fish, but more importantly, she’ll have true love! We’ll miss you, Helena. Hejdå! Did I see that handsome Travis Shumake (B) lighting up the night with that solar smile at Stacy’s @ Melrose? He was selling raffle tickets to raise money for Aunt Rita’s Foundation and SWAY Events’ “Dancing With The Bars.” Who’ll win? I love some stiff competition. Emphasis on “stiff.”

Will we be seeing another Arizona gal enter RuPaul’s Drag Race? The icy-hot beauty Luna Love St. James (D) submitted her application! Best of luck, sugar! Is it true? Is it? Facebook reported that the fabled star of billboards across Phoenix, Miss Felicia Minor (E) is retiring from show business. Say it ain’t so! Relax. It was only a rumor. She’s appearing at Kobalt, August 14. Mark your calendars! #NotByeFelicia

Guess who’s getting more fan mail than you could stuff into Lady Christian’s bra? Piper M’Shay! (C). My sweet little bunny has over 2,000 subscribers on the YouTube machine! Check in to watch and F hear Piper read mail from her fans all over the world in the comfort of your very own trailer! Leave it to the Germans to come up with the weirdest crap. You

What do you do when you’ve produced gay pornographic films since 1988, making millions of dollars, and hoovered up all the profits up your nose and drank all the vodka in WeHo leaving you with nothing but a box of old dildos used on Brad Benton? If you’re Chi Chi LaRue (F), you check yourself into Trembling Hills at the prestigious Hazelden Center in Minnesota–and start a GoFundMe.com page begging your fans to send you $40K. Really, now! By the way, if you like me, please contribute to my new KickStarter page. $100K oughta help out.

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he conjunction of Uranus and the Sun on August 26 breeds revolutionary teachers and students. This gives you a strong sense of exercising your individuality, while encouraging others to do the same thing. This creates a sense of rebellion. You feel empathy for the oppressed and cheer for the underdog. Kinda like a Communist.. Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. You’ll be in a position to educate someone set in their ways. New methods, new systems, new techniques help someone who needs it. If you’re good, you just might get a bone. Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20 Time is a great teacher. Unfortunately, it also kills all of its students. Are you procrastinating? Take this opportunity to learn something new. Like French or how to make an omelet. Gemini May 21 - June 21 You’re a good teacher because you like the sound of your own voice. Sometimes you go on and on and on. Others will find a few pearls of wisdom in there somewhere. Tables are turned when someone tests you. Cancer June 22 - July 22 Oops! Your best teacher is your last mistake. You’ve had a couple of mishaps lately. Did you learn for these boo-boos? Your experience will hold you in good stead. They put you at an advantage, believe it or not. Leo July 23 - Aug. 22 Experience is the best teacher. The autumn will offer you some “learn by doing” experiences you’ll never forget. Got a birthday? You are offered the “experience of a lifetime.” But is this the right lifetime? Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22 A good teacher knows the rules. Good students know the exceptions. You will make

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some rules, but you’ll break some, too. Birthday Virgos learn that you never follow rules if you want to accomplish something great. Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22 What is more important? Teaching or learning? You’ll find yourself being an educator and a student, both, this month. Someone benefits from your knowledge. You’ll learn something you never thought you could do. But it’s a secret. Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23 “Wisdom is like gossip. Except it’s the good kind.” Pay attention to the information presented to you. Is it valuable? Or is it really a bunch of worthless crap someone told you that you believed? C’mon, now. Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23 You will be remembered for the rules you break. You’re naturally a renegade, but don’t let this characteristic turn you into a delinquent. But remember: don’t wear white after Labor Day. Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20 “May words itch at your ears until you understand them.” There is a lesson you need to learn. Do you want to learn something the hard way? I didn’t think so. You will receive good news. Just listen. Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 You will teach someone something so valuable it will change their life. It might be how to change a tire, how to tie a bow tie, or maybe you’ll teach them how to do something in bed that will make them a better person. Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll eat for a lifetime. Do you have any idea how boring fishing is? Don’t waste your time. You learn to maximize your time this month. No fishing required.