July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 1
2
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
4
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 5
FOAM PARTY
6
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
CHARLIE’S
SEE MORE GREAT PICTURES AT IONAZ.COM
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 7
8
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 9
10
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 11
12
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 13
14
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 15
16
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 17
830 N. 1st Ave., Unit 203 Phoenix, AZ 85003 (602) 308-4662 www.IONAZ.com ionarizona@me.com PUBLISHER / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero ............................................ jacktesorero@me.com
CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ..................................................... kbushaw@me.com EDITOR Deon Brown ................................................... ionazeditor@me.com COPY EDITOR .......................................................... Austin Head GRAPHIC DESIGNER ......................................... Angel Jimenez PRODUCTION & ARTWORK SUBMISSIONS
ionazproduction@me.com
ADVERTISING SALES Jack Tesorero ............................................................ (602) 750-1164
jacktesorero@me.com
PHOTOGRAPHERS:
Fernando Hernandez Scotty Kirby Dean Dill
Franklin Diaz Sean Kapera
NATIONAL ADVERTISING REPRESENTATIVE Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 CONTRIBUTORS:
Addison DeWitt C. Edwards Ted Kirby
Peter Lora Paul Sanchez Miss Tiger
Published monthly by
1995-2016: 21 Years of Design and Creative Excellence © 2016 JMT Designs, Inc.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ
All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee. NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company. Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.
18
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 19
T
his month we celebrate ION Arizona’s 15 year anniversary! Since 2001,180 months ago, 5,479 days later, we’ve been “Dancing with the Bars” even before it was a thing. The bars have always been the backbone of ION and we can’t thank them enough for their years of support. Check out this year’s “Dancing with the Bars 2016” contestants on page 57. I won’t bore you on the challenges and hurtles we had to overcome throughout the years, but I will tell you about the amazing people I have met on our journey. First, I want to thank you, the reader, for picking up or viewing every issue online. When we started, there was no Facebook, no Grindr, no Snapchat. Just ION. Today, you have more social media options than ever before but you still turn to ION for fun and info on your community. We’ve also shared a lot of happy and even some sad times together. Our business partners and advertisers have been incredibly loyal. From some of our longest continuous advertisers like Open Wide Dental and Pueblo Family Physicians to our newest corporate sponsors like Lerner and Rowe, Banner Health and CVS Pharmacy. Who can forget all of our non-profit partners, too many to list, but all work countless hours to raise money for great causes and host fantastic fundraisers. In July 2001, we started ION in a small guest house of my former home in Phoenix’s Willo Historic District. Many of you have fond memories of our epic pool
20
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
parties—including the first Splash Bash where we premiered issue number 1. Unfortunately, that house recently experienced a catastrophic fire and it is slated for demolition. It will be gone but the memories will live on. This leads me to all the amazing people at ION that spend long hours, travel to locations all over the state, who donate their creativity and talent to create every issue. ION has featured hundreds of Arizona residents and made them stars. Our professional photographers, Scotty Kirby and Franklin Diaz, produce greatness every month. Paul Sanchez and Ted Kirby have been braving rare rain, occasional sleet, and lots of heat to deliver every issue to you. Claude Edwards draws our hilarious Abel Body cartoon and Miss Tiger is always ready to give you her own shocking advice. Peter Lora is our expert about new music. The core of ION is the incredible staff: Deon Brown is the literary genius responsible for many articles and interviews including this month’s interview with 1950‘s Hollywood heartthrob Tab Hunter. Kevin Bushaw directs and creates the amazing and creative photoshoots in addition to laying out the entire magazine. Paul Sanchez, Ted Kirby, Kevin and Deon have all been contributing to ION for over 10 years! We’ve come a long way since our humble beginnings, but we still have a long way to go. We will never rest. We will continue to bring the best LGBTQ publication in the country and we will continue to fight for equality. We’ll see you on the dance floor!
Jack “Two Left Feet” Tesorero
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 21
22
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 23
XXXmas in July at Dick’s
Have you been naughty or nice? But if you’ve been really bad you can sit on Santa’s lap and talk about the first thing that pops up! It’s the XXXmas in July Bash at Dick’s Cabaret! You won’t get a pony, but you’ll get $2 regular lap dances on Fri. & Sat. July 15 & 16. 3432 E. Illini in Phoenix. See ad on p. 84
Gustavo Trevino Underwear Fashion Show
Ever wonder why Latino boys are so sexy? It must be in the “chonies.” You won’t want to miss this fashion show showcasing Gustavo Trevino underwear and his “linea de ropa interior masculina ‘muy pronto!’” We just know it’s hot! Don’t miss it on Sunday, July 17 at Karambam 1724 E. McDowell Rd. in Phoenix. See ad on p. 17
Bearracuda
It’s that time! The most popular dance party in town is back! Shake your booty at Bearracuda, baby! Hairy or smooth ... it doesn’t matter. But a great attitude does! We’ll see you dipping in the honeycomb on Friday, July 22 at The Rock, 4129 N. 7th Ave. in Phoenix. See ad on p. 3
24
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
Fun in the Sun Pool Party
Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do in pool with your friends from the Phoenix Metropolitan Men’s Chorus and ION Arizona! This wet ‘n’ wild pool party hits all the right notes on Saturday, July 23 from 11 a.m.- 5 p.m. at the Hotel 502, 502 W. Camelback Rd. in Phoenix. Rooms start at just $59. See ad on p. 13
Sumo Wrestling at Charlie’s
Domo arigato, y’all! Most honorable sumo wrestling match will occur at humble little bitty ol’ pissant country place! Much laughter and fun will be had! Saturday, July 23 at Charlie’s, 727 W. Camelback Rd. in Phoenix. For more exciting events at Charlie’s see ad on p. 7
JULY 2016 ION EVENTS LISTINGS Thur Mondays 2 3 4 8 9 9 9 14 15-16 16 16 17 17 21 22 22 23 23 23 23 23 23 23 23 24 AUGUST 3
Comedy Night Naughty or Nice Drag Bingo Grand Ol’ Opry Carnaval Latino Torches & Togas Hermanos Vega Queens Across America Biz Bowl Toga Party Dart & Pool Tournament XXXmas in July Texas Hold ‘em Tourney Blue Comedy Show Gustavo Trevino Underwear Sexy Underwear Auction Beer Pong Tourney La Sonora Karisma Bearracuda Pulse Orlando Live Stream Gong Karaoke Summer Luau Blackout Party White Party Sumo Wresting Men’s Chorus Pool Party Gong Karaoke Broadway Brunch
Cruisin’ 7th Phoenix Kobalt Phoenix Charlie’s Phoenix Karamba Phoenix Stacy’s Phoenix Karamba Phoenix Symphony Hall Phoenix AMF Christown Lanes Phoenix Charlie’s Phoenix Roscoe’s Phoenix Dick’s Cabaret Phoenix Roscoe’s Phoenix Cruisin’ 7th Phoenix Karamba Phoenix Bunkhouse Phoenix Cash Inn Country Phoenix Karamba Phoenix The Rock Phoenix Stacy’s @ Melrose Phoenix Roscoe’s Phoenix Dick’s Cabaret Phoenix Anvil Phoenix Karamba Phoenix Charlie’s Phoenix Hotel 502 Phoenix Roscoe’s Phoenix Los Diablos Phoenix
Gong/Kamikaze Karaoke
Los Diablos
Phoenix
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 25
26
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 27
Absolutely Fabulous! Joanna Lumley and Jennifer Saunders gab it up with ION
“
S
weetie, darling!” The morally bankrupt, pretentious, social climbing gruesome twosome are back! And now they’re on the silver screen. Edina Monsoon and Patsy Stone (Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley) are still oozing glitz and glamour, living the high life: shopping, drinking and clubbing their way all around London. But when they accidentally push Kate Moss into the River Thames at an überfashionable party, Eddy and Patsy become entangled in a media storm surrounding the supermodel’s untimely demise. Fleeing to the glamorous playground of the French Riviera, they hatch a plan to make their escape permanent and live the high life forever more. Absolutely Fabulous debuted in 1992, lasting five seasons. TV Guide ranked it as one of the Top 25 cult shows. It continues to be a hallmark for LGBT audiences today.
stars about the long awaited feature premiering this month. Cheers! Q: You’ve both done a remarkable amount of work in the field of memoir. Joanna has four books, and Jennifer you have one. If you were to carve out this moment for your next memoir, what quick elevator pitch would you give and what you might call it? Joanna: Oh good lord! I would say Utterly Fabulous. Fabulous from cover to cover. Couldn’t put it down. I actually couldn’t pick it up. Jennifer: Living the Dream. Remember, back in 1990 we never imagined in our wildest dreams we would still be sitting here having done a film of that show. It’s quite extraordinary, and we feel very, very lucky. Q: Please explain for the uninitiated: Who are Patsy and Edina? Jennifer: These are people who have been friends since they began. Eddy thinks she’s a fashion PR guru. Patsy works as an editor on a fashion magazine. They’re utterly useless. They’re inseparable and they walk in chaos. Joanna: A chaos of drink and cigarettes and champagne. Jennifer: And a few illegal substances. And generally in very bad shoes. (Continued next page...)
ION Arizona participated in a national teleconference with the July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 29
Q: How did you update the characters from the end of the series to the movie? Jennifer: Edina gets older and fatter, and actually Patsy doesn’t change at all. She’s just sort of embalmed and remains exactly the same. Q: You have an exciting low-speed chase in the film. Can you talk about the difficulty of doing stunts? Joanna: We insisted on doing our own stunts. Obviously, it’s a reach from a car traveling at almost three miles an hour to take a cigarette off a completely supine man. It was a bit challenging—I managed it. Jennifer: I’d never been on a scooter before, and they wouldn’t let me wear a helmet. I was very, very brave. It’s almost the most exercise I’ve ever done. Q: Would you talk about your costumes? Joanna: Well, Edina is always “overambitious,” should we say, with her costume. She always thinks she’s going to be really thin by tomorrow and never is, so she’s squeezed into some appalling outfits. Q: How did this current move toward political correctness in pop culture affect your writing the screenplay?
30
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
Jennifer: Quite a bit, to be honest, only because people are much more ready to be offended these days. If you write a movie, you have a raft of lawyers telling you who you can offend and who you can’t offend, and who’s going to sue you and who won’t. It was quite an issue, I have to say. Q: Which celebrity you would like to kill in real life? Jennifer: I would never kill anyone, but I’d quite like to slap Donald Trump. Q: Joanna, you announced recently that Patsy has gone transgender. Will Edina be far behind? Jennifer: She’s always far behind. Q: We loved the celebrity cameos. Was there somebody you wanted but didn’t get?
Jennifer: No. I mean to be honest, no, because you always end up with the people who are available on the day and who you love and who you know and who are easygoing and happy. We just said, “We’re having a party! Will you come and be in it?” Lots of people turned up and were incredibly generous. Q: Ab Fab is unique in a lot of ways because it was a show about women, written by women. Has the environment changed very much for women in the world of television? Jennifer: I don’t think it has, actually. It makes me a bit sad that, if anything, that people seem to want to go back to an old model of normality, and sitcoms seem to want to be about ordinary families and things that aren’t very
interesting. I just think it’s a bit sad. It’s a shame that life is still depicted in a very straight way, I think. Q: You involved gay characters, trans characters and a broad cross-section back when it wasn’t really PC to do it. Jennifer: Oh, it’s been our pleasure. We owe the gay community a huge deal, too, because they’ve helped make the show popular, and we love having them as fans. Q: Why do each of you think you’ve connected so deeply with the LGBT community? Joanna: I think from Patsy’s point of view, she’s very easy to copy if you’re a boy and want to dress up as Patsy because Patsy’s quite tall. You just want to get your good, yellow wig on. Lots of lovely, red lips. Most men have very good legs—much better than mine—so men’s beautiful legs showing in good stockings. Nice pair a high heels. Glass of Bolli. Cigarette on the go. Dark shades on. You’re there. Jennifer: I think as far as the characters go, they live for each other, and they live
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 31 July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 31
32
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
a life they don’t apologize for. They don’t need men. They don’t need a relationship in order to have fun and get on in the world. It doesn’t matter; be who you can be and want to be. Q: All the drugs and the drinking resonated with the hard-partying, 1990s gay male audience. Were you concerned when writing this screenplay that it wouldn’t apply with today’s crowd? Jennifer: Do you know, when you write it, I write it to amuse Joanna, really. I think if you wrote it with too many people, too many audiences in mind, you’d die of the pressure. I just basically write what I think will be funny, and what I wanted is if people could see this film—and not have known the series—still enjoy it, but that it would also satisfy people that knew the series extremely well. Q: Are you friends outside the movie? Jennifer: We are friends. We’re very good friends. Joanna: We’ve known each other now for 25 years, and we know each other very well. Q: Is there going to be a sequel? Jennifer: Joanna keeps telling me there’s going to be a sequel, so there’s going to be a sequel!
Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie directed by Mandie Fletcher and produced by Jon Plowman and Damian Jones, will released by Fox Searchlight Pictures July 22, 2016. July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 33
34
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
Drag Wars 8 at BS West It’s the biggest BS West fundraising event of the year! Watch the battle of the beauties when these queens roll up their sequined sleeves, beat their mugs and duke it out! Who goes down for the count? We’ll see who’s in for a big KO on Sunday, July 31. Proceeds benefit Project Hardhat and one•n•ten. You can participate! Contact Mike at BS West at 480-945-9028. BS West, 7125 E. 5th Ave. in Scottsdale. See ad on p. 10 for details.
JULY 2016 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE
TIME
LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S)
7/4
1:00pm
Charlie’s
4th of July Show
7/4
2:00pm
Cruisin’ 7th
Excuse Our Beauty Revue
7/9
Roscoe’s
Pheline Cabaret
7/9
Symphony Hall
Season 8 - The Queens. Live Across America
7/23
9:00pm
Los Diablos
Devilish Divas with Afeelya Bunz
7/31
All Day
BS West
Drag Wars
Mondays
10:00pm Charlie’s
Claudia B Hosts The Strip Factor
Tuesday
10:00pm Karamba
Savannah Moussier’s Show
Tuesdays
9:00pm
Wednesdays 9:00pm
BS West
Stars Choice Talent Showcase
Kobalt
Garden Variety Revue with Olivia Gardens
Wednesdays 10:30pm Karamba
Karamba Girls - Adriana Galiano & Karime Lizaldi
Wednesdays 10:00pm Charlie’s
Nevaeh’s High Heels & Halos Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds
Thursdays
10:30pm Karamba
Fridays
10:30pn
Cruisin’ 7th
Nikki at Night with Nikki Knowles
Fridays
10:30
The Rock
Special Event Rotating Drag Shows
Fridays
9:00pm
Plazma
Freaky Fridays with Celia Putty
Fridays
9:00pm
2nd Saturday 9:30pm
BS West
Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers
Kobalt
Celia Putty
Saturdays
10:30pm Cruisin’ 7th
Lady Christian’s Lady & the Tramps
Saturdays
10:00pm The Rock
The Barbra Seville Show
Saturdays
9:30pm
Charlie’s
Pussy’s Patio Show
Sundays
8:30pm
Charlie’s
Pussy LeHoot & Friends
Sundays
10:30pm Karamba
Diamond’s Show
3rd Sunday
2:00pm
“Big Sunday” with Big Booty Judy
Cruisin’ 7th
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 35
36
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
Avenue Q
The laugh-out-loud musical tells the story of Princeton, a recent college grad who moves into a shabby New York City apartment all the way out on Avenue Q. He soon discovers that this ain’t Sesame Street. Now through July 10 at Phoenix Theatre, 100 E. McDowell Rd. For tickets go to PhoenixTheatre.com or call 602-254-2151
Shrek: the musical
Based on the Dreamworks film, we learn the story about a big, green ogre who battles Lord Farquuad for rights to his home in the swamp, and Princess Fiona. July 15-August 14 at Arizona Broadway Theatre, 7701 W. Paradise Ln. in Peoria. For tix go to AZbroadway.org or call 623-776-8400
David Alan Grier
You may remember the mincing, prissy film critic “Antoine Merriweather” from In Living Color. (“Two snaps up in a circle!”) Comedian David Alan Grier brings his comedy to town July 15-17 to the Tempe Improv, 930 E. University Dr. For more info and tix go to TempeImprov.com or call 480-921-9877
JULY 2016 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE
EVENT
7-8/20 7-9 7-9 9 thru 10 15 15-8/14 15-16 15-17 thru 16 16 21-24 23 29-30 30
West Side Story Hale Centre Theatre - Gilbert Steve Byrne Stand Up LIve - Phx Ralphie May Tempe Improve 7 Minutes in Heaven Space 55 Theatre - Phx Avenue Q Phoenix Theatre The Revival: Improv Space 55 Theatre - Phx Shrek: the musical AZ B’way Theatre - Peoria The Dan Band Stand Up Live - Phx David Alan Grier Tempe Improv Green Day’s American Idiot Stray Cat Theatre - Phx 7 Minutes in Heaven Space 55 Theatre - Phx Mitch Fatel Tempe Improv 7 Minutes in Heaven Space 55 Theatre - Phx Wayne Brady Tempe Improv 7 Minutes in Heaven Space 55 Theatre - Phx
COMPANY
PHONE
480-497-1181 480-719-6100 480-921-9877 Space55.org 602-254-2151 Space55.org 623-776-8400 480-719-6100 480-921-9877 480-227-1766 Space55.org 480-921-9877 Space55.org 480-921-9877 Space55.org
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 37
38
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
Todrick Hall
The actor, singer, director, choreographer, MTV wünderkind and YouTube star with over two million subscribers seems to be taking over the world. Todrick’s taking over the stage here in Phoenix on Sunday, July 17 at Comerica Theatre, 401 W. Washington St. Wanna go? Visit TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000
Meghan Trainor
The young lady who’s all about that bass, ‘bout that bass (no treble) brings the MTrain to the station on Sunday, July 24 to the Comerica Theatre, 401 W. Washington St. in Phoenix. Wanna go? Jump on board! Get your ticket at TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000
Duran Duran
Thirty years later and they’re still Hungry Like the Wolf. The Brit-Pop Wild Boys jam out on Wednesday, August 3 at the Gila River Arena, 9400 W. Maryland Ave. in Glendale. Call 800-745-3000 or go to Ticketmaster.com for tix. Simon LeBon forever!
JULY 2016 ION CONCERT CALENDAR DATE ARTIST LOCATION 2 Armin Van Buuren Pool at Talking Stick Resort - Phx 2 Enrique Iglesias Casino del Sol - Tucson 3 Flight of the Conchords Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 4 KISS Casino del Sol/Tori Amphitheatre - Tucson 8 Rick Springfield & more Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 9 Brian Wilson Celebrity Theatre - Phoenix 12 Lyle Lovett Mesa Arts Ctr. - Mesa 14 Dashboard Confessional Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 15 Psychedelic Furs Pepsi Amphitheatre - Flagstaff 16 Happy Together Tour Talking Stick Resort 17 Pit Bull, Prince Royce Talking Stick Resort Arena - Phx 17 Dixie Chicks Ak-Chin Pavilion - Glendale 17 Todrick Hall Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 19 Goo Goo Dolls & more Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 20 Steven Tyler Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 23 Soul Asylum Marquee Theatre - Tempe 24 Meghan Trainor & more Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 26 Chris Isaak Celebrity Theatre - Phoenix 27 New Edition Celebrity Theatre - Phoenix 27 Fitz & the Tantrums Marquee Theatre - Tempe 28 Martina McBride Celebrity Theatre - Phoenix AUGUST 3 Weezer & Panic! At the Disco Ak-Chin Pavilion - Glendale 3 Duran Duran Gila River Arena - Glendale
PHONE ReleaseVIP.com 800-344-9435 800-745-3000 800-344-9435 800-745-3000 602-267-1600 480-644-6500 800-745-3000 855-502-6090 Scottsdale 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 480-839-0707 800-745-3000 602-267-1600 602-267-1600 480-839-0707 602-267-1600 800-745-3000 800-745-3000
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 39
40
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
Aural Fixation
by Peter Lora pintelonegro@gmail.com
Nick Jonas
Last Year Was Complicated Last year was quite the year for the youngest and arguably sexiest of the Jonas Brothers; two hits, “Chains,” “Jealous,” and roles in TV shows Scream Queens and Kingdom, where his role as a gay UFC fighter, along with half-naked, crotch-grabbing antics positioned him nicely as an ally for our community. Nick seems to be combining the methods of his pop predecessors, turning up the sex like Britney, leaving his boy band days for new, solid hits, like Timberlake did. With his sophomore effort, Last Year Was Complicated—a title given by impresario and mentor JAY Z— young Jonas missteps, forgoing artistic merit for the bare minimum. The album starts off well with “Voodoo.” “Champagne Problems” is dancefloor ready with its 80’s synth and bass line. The sensuous duet “Close” with Tove Lo stands out on an album of mostly pop drivel. Consider the poetry found on a song called and inspired by bacon “... throw some bacon on it, the one thing I love more than being with you.” “Under You” came from the same factory as Taylor Swift’s “Style,” but at best, it’s faulty. The album is a pop numbers game; a disappointing for fans wanting something more ... well ... complicated. Available Now
Mitski Puberty
2 Mitski Mayawaki studied studio composition at SUNY Purchase where she recorded her first two records, 2012’s Lush and 2013’s Retired From
Sad, New Career in Business, combining her cathartic folk-pop with high symphonic production. Her 2014 breakout Bury Me at Makeout Creek landed her on the “Artist You Should Know” lists of Rolling Stone and countless other magazines. Her aptly named Puberty 2, laden in distortion guitar and angsty poetry, will make you feel like a teen. Again. Lead single “Your Best American Girl” mourns unrequited love: “Your mother wouldn’t approve of how my mother raised me / But I do, I think I do / And you’re an all-American boy / I guess I couldn’t help try to be your best American girl.” The guitar is full-on 90’s Weezer. With the ballad, “Once More to See You,” Mitski duets with herself, recalling girl groups of the 60’s. “Fireworks” stands out as a jubilant recuperation from heartbreak: “One morning this sadness will fossilize and I will forget how to cry.” Puberty 2 has its highs and lows, exploding with personality. Available Now
Christina Aguilera
THE DL SONGS TO DOWNLOAD ARTIST - “SONG” Christina Aguilera – “Change” Børns – “It’s You” The Kills – “Siberian Nights” Red Hot Chilli Peppers – “Dark Necessities” Alicia Keys – “Hallelujah” The Avalanches – “Subways” Disclosure – “BOSS” Allah-Lahs – “Famous Phone Figure” BRONCHO – “Señora Borealis” Beck – WOW July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 41
On the QT
with Tab Hunter Documentary reveals all about the Hollywood Heartthrob
by Deon Brown 42
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
Discovered as a stable boy, Tab Hunter was the swoon-bait “Sigh Guy” when he burst on the screen in the 1950s. He partied with Cole Porter, Judy Garland, Marlene Dietrich and performed with Ethel Merman. He starred in over 40 pictures (often shirtless) with leading ladies like Sophia Loren, Gina Lollobrigida, Rita Hayworth, Lana Turner, Debbie Reynolds and Tallulah Bankhead. In 1955, a suggestive nugget of gossip emerged about an arrest in 1950 for “idle, lewd and dissolute conduct” at a “limp wristed pajama party.” A fabricated off-screen “romance” had Tinseltown insiders wondering why, “Natalie Wood and Tab Wouldn’t.” Secretly, he was involved in a serious relationship with young actor Anthony Perkins (Psycho, 1960). In 1955 Hunter was awarded “Most Promising New Personality,” an exclusive contract with Warner Bros. as well as their top grossing star from 1955-59. His 1957 hit, “Young Love” was #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 for six weeks, besting even Elvis Presley. Giant Warner Bros. Records was established specifically for him. He embraced the early medium of television, starring his own show from 1960-61. Tab Hunter was the equivalent of today’s Zac Efron, Justin Timberlake and Colton Haynes— all rolled into one.
Gossip continued about Hunter’s sexual persuasion. “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Don’t Complain, Don’t Explain,” was the rule. As his star waned he made Spaghetti Westerns “short on meat sauce” and traveled doing dinner theatre. Cult movie producerdirector John Waters tapped Tab for cult classic Polyester in 1981 asking, “How would you feel about kissing a 350-pound transvestite?” Hunter answered, “I’ve kissed a lot worse.” Waters told The New York Times “Making out with Divine, that’s beyond the bravery of coming out.” The 2005 everything was confirmed in his autobiography, Tab Hunter: Confidential with a fascinating, award winning documentary produced in 2015. The Hollywood heartthrob is 85-years old this month, handsome, active, living on his horse ranch in Montecito, California (“It’s the French Riviera ... without the French”) with producer and partner, Allan Glaser. Intensely private, Hunter lives in the present, rarely reflecting on this past. He shared memories and observations with ION Arizona in a phone interview. ION: You spent a lot of time on your 2005 autobiography, then on the 2015 documentary. How did you feel about these projects? July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 43
Tab: It’s not just about my career, it’s the whole journey. We’re all on a journey. It’s what we do on this journey that’s important. I heard someone else was going to be doing a book on me I thought, “Wait a minute!” They usually write when somebody’s dead and gone—thank God I’m still here—so better to hear from the horse’s mouth than some horse’s ass who never knew me. (Laughs) ION: You worked with the Hollywood greats. Who impressed you? Tab: We like different people for different reasons. I worked with Van Heflin three times and was crazy about him. Gary Cooper because he was so basic and down to earth—same with Fred Astaire. Those three were very, very important to me. Of course, I loved Natalie Wood; she was like my kid sister. Such a delight. ION: What about tales of the “casting couch”?
44
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
Tab: (Bristling) I don’t know! You always heard about some good looking guy coming in and some horny old bugger running the studio putting the make on so-and-so. I’m not gonna dwell on those things. That’s all talk, and talk is cheap. I’m sure there’s a lot of reality, but let’s get on with our lives; what we’re doing is pretty important. Today everything is about sensationalism. I’m not into all that garbage. ION: Did you ever wish you hadn’t been discovered? Tab: When you’re a kid and get thrown into acting you think, “Wow! How terrific!” After a while you think, “I better learn my craft.” That’s very important, particularly if you’re a product of Hollywood, and that’s what I was. I was never comfortable in the public eye. You fake it and go along with it. Had I not become an actor I would have without a doubt become a horse trainer. ION: They say you never watch your own movies? Tab: I’ve seen bits and pieces or one or two. I’m not comfortable watching them. You did it, you want to see how it turned out, thank you very much. I loved doing Gunman’s Walk; it was the first “heavy” I got to play in film. I enjoyed the days of
live television with Playhouse 90. That was really a creative time in Hollywood. They don’t have shows like that anymore.
ION: At 32 you were no longer the “Teen Hearthtrob” in 1964 when you did Ride the Wild Surf. Was it difficult getting older?
I also enjoyed doing Damn Yankees (1958) and a spoof on 50s westerns I did with [producer/partner] Allan, Lust in the Dust where I’d written the script. I always joke and say that Divine was my favorite leading lady but he was wonderful. Polyester with John Waters was a shot in the arm and introduced me to whole new crowd who never knew who Tab Hunter was.
Tab: I didn’t think about it as “getting older.” I was fortunate to be working even though I was a little long in the tooth and hadn’t done a film in a while. I felt I wasn’t right for that role. You go where the work is. It’s called “survival.” We’re all blessed. We’re all fortunate if we don’t look at the negative. I mean, c’mon! I’m a firm believer that somewhere under that pile of crap that there’s a pony, so start diggin’!
ION: What’s your favorite song?
ION: You never descended into drugs and alcohol.
Tab: I really enjoyed cutting records because it was another means of expression. I was happy with Young Love because that was the first one I ever recorded. Some of the ballads were favorites of mine. That’s how we put some of those albums together: by doing things that I wanted to do. There’s a song called Candy that I always liked very much; it was a big hit when I was a kid.
Tab: That’s such a negative “me, me, me” type of thing. You have to learn to divorce yourself from yourself—and people don’t want to do that.
ION: Who was the best kisser in Hollywood? Tab: (Laughs) Oh, God! I loved Sophia Loren, of course! Dorothy Malone was not shabby at all! She was wonderful! July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 45
Tab: That’s a tough one. I don’t go to a lot of films. There’s very few that I really like. I love the gal [Saorise Ronan] who was in Brooklyn. Eddie Redmayne I like very much. It just depends on the project, but I don’t know a lot of “big names” or who they are. In the old days studios would build a person. There was an air of mystery about you these publicity departments would build. People would gobble up that hoopla. ION: Even Scorcese can’t lure you out of retirement.
ION: Do you ever feel like you were denied living an authentic life? Tab: Not at all. I never look at the negative. We have to look at the positive. Here I was: a young man, thrown into the business. It was called “Trying to Survive” in an industry I knew nothing about. I figured, “This artistic venture is important. You work with some incredible people and can learn from them.” ION: Who are your favorite actors today? 46
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
Tab: I’m an old man! I’ve got a great life, if you don’t look at all the negatives. I’m very fortunate. That’s what it’s all about is being thankful and contributing. We all have to try to be contributors on this journey that we’re on. I don’t care about a picture. I got an offer not long ago, but I’m not interested. ION: What would you like to be remembered for? Tab: (Laughs, then pauses thoughtfully) That hopefully I said, “Thank you” enough. Documentary Tab Hunter: Confidential now available on iTunes, Netflix Google Play, Vudu and exclusive bonus content on Amazon Instant.
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 47
48
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
ionazeditor@me.com
The Top 1% Some People
A Royal Night Out 2015
2015
Starring: Jonathan Gordon, Jason Ralph
Starring: Sarah Gadon, Bel Powley, Jack Reynor
Guileless painter, Charlie, (Gordon) and the aristocratic Sebastian (Ralph, TV’s The Magicians), are lifelong best friends living in the Upper East Side of New York. Charlie’s unrequited love for Sebastian influences his art, while the self-centered, charming Sebastian has been in a state of personal crisis since his wealthy financier father’s arrest on white collar criminal charges.
There will always be an England. With the astonishing events of “Brexit,” this charming romantic comedy is a fictionalized telling of a real story: Victory in Europe (VE Day), 1945. Then Princess Elizabeth (Gadon, Dracula Untold) and her sister, Margaret (Powley, Diary of a Teenage Girl), are granted permission to leave the palace “in cognito,” joining in After moving into Sebastian’s digs to help the celebration. him through bouts of depression and The sisters shed their chaperones and alcohol abuse, Charlie is drawn into a are separated. “Lizzie” finds protection love triangle when he meets Tim (Haaz in an AWOL airman, Jack (Reynor, Sleiman), a successful concert pianist who loves him. Choices must be made. A Transformers: Age of Extinction) while tale of unrequited love that is challenged good time girl Margaret (the “fun one” and reversed as Charlie discovers of the two girls) kiting about at parties himself and Sebastian finds selflessness. in clubs, bars and whorehouses around London. Directed and written by Joey Kuhn for a graduate thesis project, Some People Reminiscent of the 2008 screwball is remarkably well produced and bound comedy Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day, to strike a chord despite bits of plodding this jolly good picture is sure to delight dialogue and slow scenes about super queens everywhere. Even Queen privileged people. A featured film in this Elizabeth II who called the real life event, year’s Desperado LGBT Film Festival. “The most memorable night of my life.” Available Now, Amazon, Netflix, iTunes Available now, Amazon, Netflix, iTunes
★★★☆☆
★★★★☆
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 49
50
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
The Legend of Tarzan Starring: Alexander Skarsgård, Samuel L. Jackson, Margot Robbie, Christoph Walz
“Me, Tarzan. You, Jane.” These jungle sweethearts made their screen debut in 1918 with the first of 48 live action and animated films. The hunky apeman returns with Skarsgård (True Blood) as the nowcivilized Lord Greystoke. He’s called upon to serve as a trade emissary to his native Belgian Congo, unwittingly becoming a pawn in a actionpacked, murderous plot. Packed back into a loincloth, the Lord of the Apes never looked better.
a backseat when his owner (Kemper, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt) adopts the loutish mutt, Duke (Stonestreet, Modern Family). The two vie for Top Dog. Escaping while on a walk, the two pooches are scooped up and bound for the pound. Cunning rabbit, Snowball, (Hart, Scary Movie 3 & 4) saves the day, but demands they join his gang of abandoned pets with a mission to retaliate and turn the tables on humanity. Opens July 8
Ghostbusters
Starring: Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig, Kate McKinnon, Leslie Jones, Chris Hemsworth
While you’re at the office, school or whatever grim job you have, no doubt you’ve wondered what your pets are doing while you’re gone. They talk smack about you, for one thing.
SNL and Bridesmaids alum unite in this (almost) all-female reboot of the 80s comedy classic. Erin (Wiig, Skeleton Twins) and Abby (McCarthy, Identity Thief) wrote a book about spooky spirits. Years later Erin teaches at a prestigious university. When her book resurfaces, she becomes a laughingstock. When ghosts invade the Big Apple and possess humans, the two gals team up with a nuclear engineer (McKinnon) and a subway worker (Jones) to vanquish the ectoplasmic phantasms.
Terrier Max (comedian Louis C.K.) takes
Opens July 15
Opens July 1
The Secret Life of Pets
Voiced by: Louis C.K., Eric Stonestreet, Kevin Hart, Ellie Kemper
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 51
52
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
Sierra Bonita Grill
Come & Get It, Pardner
H
ome! Home on the range!” When “ I hear that American folk song I usually think of sweating at the stovetop cooking. I’m not so “at home” on that range. That’s when I gallop over to the Sierra Bonita Grill, the namesake of the historic hacienda. It is the first, largest—and oldest—American cattle ranch in Arizona, (and the nation) near Willcox. Whites, Native Americans and Mexicans lived and worked side by side as equals. Billy the Kid worked there as a ranch hand. (It didn’t work out.) The classy and comfy Sierra Bonita Grill pays tribute to the history and hospitality of that venerable ranch ‘n’ range, offering a uniquely western menu with spicy influences from South of the Border. For 12 years they’ve been a North Central favorite. “We’re not trendy or ‘hipster.’ We offer quality food at a good price,” said owner Nate Hopper. ‘Nuff said, pardner! Nate helped create the unique menu after a culinary immersion foray in Oaxaca, southern Mexico.
serve up a sizzling cast iron platter of broiled, halved, mild jalapeños stuffed with a blend of four cheeses that’s a rootin’tootin’ favorite. Eight for $14. A chuck wagon fave is the Green Chile Mac ‘n’ Cheese with al dente penne pasta, green chiles, Cheddar and tangy Menonita cheeses all for a sawbuck. (That’s $10.) Sierra Bonita has tweaked their menu for summer, putting away some of the classic cold weather rations—like Cowboy Chili—in the back pantry ‘til the next cold snap. You’ll have your choice of other summer
When the dinner bell rang, we ordered the piquant starter Hopper’s Poppers. They July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 53
comes with Oaxacan chile mashed sweet potatoes, giving it a “Thanksgiving” kick, asparagus and cracked black pepper gravy. Tasty and traditional, sure, but try treating yourself to a few of the other incredible comestibles. $15 lunch/$25 dinner. They purchase locally when possible. All beef served is from Arizona.
favorites, like the Pan-Seared Red Trout, presenting a generous, flaky, mild filet (no bones) with a seasoned crust you’ll flip over. Mild, without any “fishiness,” it’s served with green beans, roasted peppers, baby spinach and tomatoes all sautéed in brown butter. There’s plenty of vittles and well-worth the $23 price tag. If you got a cattle driver’s appetite, you’ll be hankerin’ for the Pork Osso Bucco. The Grand Canyon-sized shank is carefully braised and served with green chile mashed potatoes, roasted baby carrots, cipollini onions, zucchini, and doused with Hatch green chile sauce. You’ll have plenty to chow down on for just $27. The Buttermilk Chicken is comfort food. This is the Number One bestselling item on the menu. Breaded, lightly fried and finished in the oven, it 54
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
Sierra Bonita offers more fine fare: choose from five different salads, or three kinds of soup, including Green Chile Pork Pozole. Six other entrées, lkike Stacked Enchiladas ($16) and Santa Cruz Pasta ($21) are enough to have us set up a wagon train and go back for more. Best of all, you get a full plate of rations that’ll fill your belly without emptying your knapsack. Sierra Bonita’s saloon offers more than 19 Arizona wines as well as many Arizona craft beers. There are three private dining rooms downstairs that don’t cost anything to book. Perfect for a special jamboree with kith and kinfolk. Saddle up your cayuse, put on your petticoats, put away your pistols, y’all, and mosey on over to the Sierra Bonita Grill for a heapin’ helpin’ of their hospitality. Sierra Bonita Grill 6933 N. 7th St. just south of Glendale Ave. Lunch, Dinner, weekend Brunch. Happy Hour specials 3- 6 p.m. SierraBonitaGrill.com
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 55
56
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
N
obody puts Baby in the corner! It’s time for the annual “Dancing with the Bars” competition! Fourteen teams are competing and raising funds for one•n•ten. Arizona Ballroom Champions is the official dance studio. The excitement happens on Sunday, August 7 at Tempe Center for the Arts, 700 W. Rio Salado Pkwy. in Tempe. Tickets available at OnenTen.org/DWTB. Photos by Franklin Diaz.
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 57
58
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 59
60
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 61
62
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 63
64
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 65
66
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 67
68
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 69
70
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 71
72
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 73
Awarded
“Best Salon in the West” Sophisticate’s Hairstyle Guide
602.216.1616
1940 E. Camelback, Phoenix
Present this ad for 50% Off your first visit Phoenix • Roxboro • Puerto Vallarta 74
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 75
76
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 77
78
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 79
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 81
82
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 83
84
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 85
BISBEE PRIDE
86
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
HISTORIC OLD BISBEE
FREE TO LISTEN AND REPLY TO ADS Free Code: IONAZ
FIND REAL GAY MEN NEAR YOU Phoenix:
(602) 993-4567
Tucson:
(520) 791-2345 www.megamates.com 18+
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 87
Phoenix • Roxboro Puerto Vallarta
1940 East Camelback, Phoenix | 602.216.1616 88
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
Vol. 10, Issue 3
July 2016
OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.
ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL
Pope Apologizes to Gays, Plans Circuit Party at Vatican
OUTRAGEOUS!
ROME – In a carefully worded but nonetheless surprising statement contrary to Catholic doctrine and centuries of canon law, Pope Francis said an olive branch should be extended to gays by the entire Christian community.
Vatican. “We want to call it the ‘Holy Moly Ball.’”
OUTRAGEOUS!
“We’re dedicating St. Peter’s Square for dancing,” said one papal nunzio. “We’re thinking of getting Dead Mau5 to DJ. His ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY Holiness loves some goodACCIDENTAL dubstep.” St. Peter’s Basilica will be the designated “Chill Room” “His Holiness is totally down with the gays with bottles of iced holy water for partygoers. and lesbians,” said one anonymous Vatican insider. “He’s a huge Lady Gaga fan,” he “We’re expecting lots of ‘Holy Rollers,’ if you continued. “He puts his paws up and likes get my drift,” said an assistant. “St. Molly is to refer to himself as a ‘Holy Monster,’” he sure to make an appearance.” confided. The Pope will ask Madonna to perform, of course, as long as she doesn’t cuss.
OUTRAGEOUS! In a conciliatory measure to help heal centuries of denigration, His Holiness is proposing a circuit party to be staged in the
ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 89
90
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
OUTRAGEOUS! Loose Child Nabbed at Circus. Clown Shot. SARASOTA, Fla. – Crowds witnessed the greatest show on earth when an unattended child wandered away from his family and into a three ring circus ANY RESEMBLANCE spectacular.
Volkswagen filled with approximately 32 other clowns when circus security stormed the ring and shot the clown with a pistol that ejected a small banner reading, TRAGICALLY “BANG!” ACCIDENTAL
OUTRAGEOUS! TO THE TRUTH IS
This terrifying Leland situation follows McCarthy, 4, recent events when from Frostproof, a child fell into the Fla. visited gorilla enclosure the circus for at the Cincinnati Zoo resulting in the the first time last Saturday. While primate’s shooting, and an alligator that the clowns were japing with the dragged a child off near Disney World water-shooting boutonnieres, peeling in Florida. imaginary bananas and the endless hanky in the pocket routines, the child Clown and child are resting toddled away from his parents, Marge ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL comfortably. and Blake, and into the clown ring.
OUTRAGEOUS! “He hopped into the clown enclosure,” said one anonymous spectator. “We just it was all part of the act!” The mother screamed hysterically, “My baby! My baby! That clown has my baby!” and pandemonium ensued. Kefuffle the Klown, a 42 year veteran of the circus, carefully picked up the child and attempted to carry him into a
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 91
92
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 93
94
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
T
his month’s Favorite Bitch® is all about getting along ... or lack thereof. The summer humidity has these folks showin’ out all ovah the place. Enjoy the heatwave, Hunties! Dear Miss Tiger, My sister and me get in fist fights whenever our paths cross at momma’s trailer. How do I keep momma from getting caught in the goddamn middle? — Crystal Dear Ya’ll Need To Get Back On Your Meds, Remember the time you slammed your sister across the coffee table, broke it in half and left momma with a year’s worth of Rent-A-Center payments ... and no table to rest her pretty little hillbilly feet on? If ya weren’t concerned about momma then, why in the hell do you give a shit about her now? Dear Miss Tiger, My neighbor beats her husband. I’ve called the police on them numerous times! How do I avoid being involved in their drama? — Ruthie Dear Try Tuning In To The Young And The Restless Instead Of Starring In It, If that doesn’t suit you, then start taking bets on who’s gonna get the next TKO. Looks like wifey is a sure win! Dear Miss Tiger, My wife texted a pic of her vagina to another woman. When I busted her, she brushed it off as simply showing a friend her Brazilian wax. I’m butch and don’t do girly things like that. Am I overreacting or should I be worried? — Naomi
Dear Forget Being Worried – Be Ready For A Bitter Divorce AND a Nasty Custody Battle Over Those Five Mangy Cats, And with that said ... NEXT! Dear Miss Tiger, I have this bad luck of running into my exes every time me and my papí go out to the clubs. Before the night is up, me and him end up fighting. Got any advice for me? — José Dear Ass Like A Drive-Thru Window, Speaking of fast food, what does your culíto and McDonald’s have in common? Look to the golden arches for this answer ... “Billions and Billions Served.” P.S. - Move to a new city or hit the straight clubs. And if your old tricks still appear, write to somebody else other than me. Dear Miss Tiger, My boyfriend joined a fight club. We go to a gay church and these clubs are frowned upon. HELP! — Shawn Dear That’s What Happens When You Respond To A Grindr Profile With “STR8 Acting” In The Headline, Question ... what kind of good Christian reads my column in the first place? All I have to say is be glad he’s kickin’ somebody else’s ass and not yours! MISS TIGER Advice Columnist • SiriusXM radio personality ... and everyone’s #FAVORITEBITCH Website FavoriteBitch.com Facebook /MissTiger Advice ask@misstiger.com
July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 95
96
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
by Addison DeWitt
F
A
ar from the steppes of Russia, my favorite bed bouncing Bolshevik Jacob Peterson (A) celebrated his birthday with his Proletariat comrades at BS West. I’m dying to show this sexy Russky my own special Communist Manifesto someday. Let’s just say that I can give him directions where “XXX” (Karl) “Marx” the spot. (Get it? I made D two bad jokes in one right there!) Twinkle, twinkle, little Tsar! (Somebody stop me—before Putin E does.) How many times C have you been on stage at Caeser’s Palace? Gorgeous go-go boy Angel Leon has! He proposed gay marriage to his pal at the Vegas Colosseum showroom while screechy songbird Mariah Carey (remember her? She was the star of movie classic Glitter) squawked her best wishes at them. (B) Note: the proposal F was staged. Angel’s still single! I hope! My favorite bristle sprout Truett Fuentes and his burley, broomy whiskers (C) just may be elected as next leader of the Free World. Is it a coincidence, or is our Truett looking presidential with his crumb collector?
Sexy Truett’s a dead ringer for the ever-popular Presidents James A. Garfield (D) and Rutherford B. Hayes (E) Look-a-Like Contest with all those hairs on his chinny-chinchin. Of course, these Buckeye presidents didn’t wear tractor caps back in the 1800s, but you get the idea. (Well, I think it’s funny, anyway. They’ll love it in Ohio. I hope.) B Who’s that girl? I took a trip in the Way Back Machine at The Rock when I saw the chameleon-like Coco St. James (F) all dolled up as 1980s era Madonna from back in the good old days, probably back when Coco was still in sequined diapers, I’m guessing. You boys in Arizona know exactly how hot and sticky things get down in the “Netherlands” this time of year. Things are dank and swampy in Man Country. From the “Too Good To Be True” files: Yes. You, too, can make your testicles twinkle all day long! Keep G the family jewels sparkling with Nadkins (G) 100% natural refresher towelettes. No kidding, you gotta try these. Visit Nadkins.com and see how they work. Or you can check mine out. Free demonstrations! (Some restrictions may apply.) July 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 97
T
his is an important time to make your own Declaration of Independence. July 4 marks the New Moon in Cancer. It’s a great time to start over, just like our nation’s revolutionaries did. You’ll be “Valley Forging” ahead on a project or mission. You share your sign with a famous American who set standards. Create your own Bill of Rights this month, you proud American!
Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 You’re like fellow ram Thomas Jefferson. You have the ability to turn an abstract thought into something important. You’re not gonna write the Declaration of Independence or anything, but you’re pretty darn smart, though. Taurus April. 21 - May 20 You’re brave. You refuse to give up. You are a warrior. You have the spirit of bullish Apache medicine man Geronimo. Others follow you because of your determination to fight for what you deserve. You lead others well in a cause, or to a party. Gemini May 21 - June 21 Principles and deep, abiding beliefs for what’s right guides you. You’re a twin to abolitionist and writer Harriet Beecher Stowe. You both plant the seed for a thought that arouses passion. You’re a born rabblerouser, you rascal, you! Cancer June 22 - July 22 Crabby Revolutionary War sea captain John Paul Jones said, “I have not yet begun to fight!” Backed into a corner, your ire is raised and you don’t back down. That’s a good thing. Usually. Pick your battles. Birthday crabs chart a new course. Leo July 23 - Aug. 22 You have the same leonine qualities of First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy. You’re refined and classy, bringing a little bit of pizazz, class and style to most everything you do and everywhere you go. Avoid motorcades and grassy knolls if it’s your birthday. 98
WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2016
Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22 You’re that best friend who jumps right into the middle of a war to help. Just like French aristocrat Marquis de Lafayette who added muscle to our struggling revolution. A needy friend depends on you. Bring croissants. Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22 Never one to mince words, you’re like scholar and America’s dictionary kingpin Noah Webster. You have the ability to tell it like it is. Choose your words carefully when you’re verbally sparring with someone who has an acid tongue. Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23 Pioneering unexplored territory and noted for your fearless nature, frontiersman Daniel Boone is your icon. Famed for his trapping skills, you find yourself on the hunt, too. Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23 A little introverted? Your eccentric ways are like fellow archer and shy poet Emily Dickinson, who was a little odd. When you’re really full-blown, batshit crazy you act more like First Lady Mary Todd Lincoln. Pick your own crazy. Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20 Founding Father Alexander Hamilton got short shrift as simply “the guy on the ten dollar bill” until a fab, hip-hoppy Broadway hit comes out. Great. Just great. People learn about your passion and genius before it’s too late. Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 You search to make things fair, putting your foot down saying, “Hey! Wait a minute!” like water bearing suffragette Susan B. Anthony. Your activism reaches new heights, but your face won’t be on the silver dollar. Sorry. Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 Logical and fair, like Founding Father James Madison. Your own personal constitution is equally democratic. You have a wife (or husband) as fabulous as First Lady and snack cake namesake Dolley Madison. You two make a great team, especially at parties and social events.