ION Arizona #185

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 1

2

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

4

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 5

伀一䌀䔀 䤀匀 一伀吀 䔀一伀唀䜀䠀℀ 吀圀伀 匀䠀伀圀匀㨀 圀䔀䐀 㤀㨀 倀 匀䄀吀 ㄀ 㨀㌀ 倀

匀䤀一䘀唀䰀

匀吀唀䐀匀

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 7

8

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 9

THE FIRE BALL

10

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

CHARLIE’S

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 11

12

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 13

ODYSSEY HALLOWEEN SHOW

14

WWW.IONAZ.COM October 2016

BS WEST -SCOTTSDALE

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 15

16

WWW.IONAZ.COM October 2016

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 17

RAINBOWS FESTIVAL

18

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

HERITAGE SQUARE - DOWNTOWN PHX

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 19

20

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 21

830 N. 1st Ave., Unit 203 Phoenix, AZ 85003 (602) 308-4662 www.IONAZ.com ionarizona@me.com PUBLISHER / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero ............................................ jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ..................................................... kbushaw@me.com EDITOR Deon Brown ................................................... ionazeditor@me.com COPY EDITOR .......................................................... Austin Head GRAPHIC DESIGNER ......................................... Angel Jimenez PRODUCTION & ARTWORK SUBMISSIONS

ionazproduction@me.com

ADVERTISING SALES Jack Tesorero ............................................................ (602) 750-1164

jacktesorero@me.com

PHOTOGRAPHERS:

Fernando Hernandez Franklin Diaz Scotty Kirby Alex Campos Sam DeLeon NATIONAL ADVERTISING REPRESENTATIVE Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 CONTRIBUTORS:

Addison DeWitt C. Edwards Ted Kirby Keenan Daly

Peter Lora Paul Sanchez Miss Tiger Frederick Hill

Published monthly by

1995-2016: 21 Years of Design and Creative Excellence © 2016 JMT Designs, Inc.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

22

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 23

Hallelujah B

y the time most of you read this, the election will be over.

Thank God. Hallelujah!

Who doesn’t love a furry friend?

One that licks, cuddles and loves you unconditionally?

This issue is dedicated to to the ones that bring us happiness and companionship but are here for only a short time. I’m not talking about lovers but doesn’t that describe them too?

Pictured here are my two hairy loves, Brinley and Olive Juice (yes, from Family Guy).

We’re excited to have Tito’s Handmade Vodka, the only “Vodka for Dog People,” present this year’s “Pets and the City.”

Thank you to all the people that entered and congrats to the lucky ones who were randomly selected to be featured in this issue. With your generous contributions, ION Arizona raised over $500 for the Joshua Tree Pet Assistance Feeding Program. Our title sponsor of this feature, Tito’s Handmade Vodka, has a unique campaign to raise money for the ASPCA. Find out more about it at VodkaForDogPeople.com Years ago, when my very first dog Shmoopy (yes, from Seinfeld) passed 24

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

away, I was devastated.

I was alone. I was depressed. One song spoke to me and reminds me of the great times we had together. It was called “Hallelujah” performed

by Roofus (actually spelled “Rufus” but I thought the dog reference was appropriate here) Wainwright. ION was lucky enough to interview Rufus about his career before his concert at the Mesa Arts Theatre on November 10. It’s on page 28.

Keeping with our theme, the ION crew had a culinary feast at Blue Hound Kitchen & Cocktails in the Palomar Hotel at CityScape. What an amazing experience! Thank you to Food & Beverage Manager Jason Carlton, Christopher our waiter and Executive Chef, Sean Currid. Sink your teeth into it on page 59.

Now that Halloween is behind us and cooler weather is ahead, it’s time to get ready for the holidays. Curl up with your furry friends, enjoy a nice hot chocolate and dive into this issue of ION.

Jack M. Tesorero Dog and Man Lover

26 26WWW.IONAZ.COM WWW.IONAZ.COM November November 2016 2016

A Great Headline Goes in the Space

November November 2016 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM WWW.IONAZ.COM27 27

Rufus Wainwright

“Let the little fairy in you fly.”

by Deon Brown

by Deon Brown 28

WWW.IONAZ.COM August 2016

T

he scion of the musical family including father Loudon Wainwright, The McGarrigle Sisters—mother Kate and aunt Ann, along with his sister, Martha, Rufus Wainwright was born to make music. He’s recorded seven albums. In 2009 he was a Grammy nominee for “Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album” for Rufus does Judy Garland at Carnegie Hall where he recreated one of the greatest live concerts of the 20th century. He’s also recorded tracks especially for films, including Brokeback Mountain, I am Sam, Moulin Rouge! Shrek, Meet the Robinsons, Zoolander and more. His latest album, Take All My Loves, tackles nine of Shakespeare’s sonnets in a 16-track production featuring some of the greatest names in show business.

Critically acclaimed, the award winning Rufus Wainwright may arguably be one of the greatest musical talents you’re missing out on. Openly gay, married and a father, Wainwright chatted with ION Arizona a little bit about “everything Rufus,” including why he won’t sing “Hallelujah” until after the U.S. Presidential election.

ION: There’s been a lot of changes since you were last here touring in 1999.

Rufus Wainwright: Most of them for the better ... except for the lines on my face.

ION: You’ve collaborated with David Byrne, Boy George, Joni Mitchell, The Pet Shop Boys and other music

giants. Elton John called you the “greatest songwriter on the planet.”

RW: (Laughs) I’ve worked with so many great artists. Still to this day I talk t about how exciting it was to work with Burt Bachrach. I did a little tour with him where I sang a couple of his songs while he accompanied me. That was mind boggling to have Burt Bachrach playing piano for me. In the classical world I’ve done concerts with the great opera singer Jessye Norman.

Recently I sang for Tony Bennett’s 90th birthday party at Radio City Music Hall.

Jazz, classical, pop ... when will it end? (Laughs) ION: You performed at Michael Kors Runway Show this past September at New York Fashion Week, and the first musician ever to perform at the designer’s show.

RW: It was in a very beautiful space— most un-fashionlike. It was very bright with beautiful views of the city. Usually fashion shows are in cavernous, dark places. It was a wonderful way to spend a morning. I felt like half of the audience was staring at me, and the other half— the real fashionistas—had no idea I was there. That’s the way that world works.

ION: You’ve described yourself as “an artist’s artist.”

RW: For better or for worse, let’s just say that I appreciate that mantle. I think it’s the better one to be in when you’re a singer; It lasts longer, and you get more respect. Of course, if you’re not an “artist’s artist” you’re a “people’s artist” and you certainly make a lot more money November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 29

(laughs) so there’s certainly a trade off. It isn’t so bad.

ION: You composed your first opera, Prima Donna in 2009. You’re working on your next opera Hadrian, slated for 2018. How’s that going?

RW: I’m about half done. Opera’s my favorite thing to compose only because you get really caught up in all the facets that are in opera: the voices, the orchestra, the story itself. It’s a great opportunity to get totally immersed and lost in art.

ION: Are there a different set of challenges to creating an opera in the 21st century?

RW: Yes, definitely. During the golden era of opera there was a firm and very competitive aristocracy who enjoyed one-upping each other. Today there’s nowhere near a whirlpool of that opportunity. That being said, there’s a real need and real desire and a real aching for that kind of music by a big audience—even though that audience might not know it yet. Pop music has become so commercial and so kind of predictable and so commerce based.

More people who go to the opera are there for the music and I think that’s really important.

I was also always a little angry with my parents for not giving me dance lessons when I was very small. I have an okay physique, but I do wish they’d given me some ballet lessons—I’d have perfect legs.

ION: You made a splash with your 2006 recreation of Judy Garland’s historic Carnegie Hall concert. You’re also a big Edith Piaf and Al Jolson fan.

RW: When I was a kid I really liked them.

It’s funny, after doing the Judy Garland show again I definitely could be coined, rightly so, as the Al Jolson of today. I certainly won’t do any blackface, don’t worry—I’ll do “straight face.” (laughs) [Note: Jolson’s trademark performances on stage and in the motion picture The Jazz Singer included then-popular minstrel show blackface makeup.—Ed.] I think if anything my voice would’ve been tailor-made for the theatre of that time— for the vaudevillian stage. I put a ring in my voice that projects in those kinds of 19th century theaters. I would’ve been up there with Al. ION: Legendary poet, singer/ songwriter Leonard Cohen is the grandfather of your daughter, Viva Katherine Wainwright Cohen. Tell us about that relationship.

ION: What would you be doing if you weren’t writing/performing?

RW: I’m very honored—we’re all honored—to be blessed with such a talented and fascinating teacher. I do know him better than most people in a sense, but on the other hand, he always remains kind of mystical and iconic, even to the people closest to him in his life.

RW: My second love was painting and drawing. I’d definitely do that, because for one thing: it’s quiet. (laughs) There’d be a lot less noise. I could also be alone.

ION: You recently said you wouldn’t sing “Hallelujah” until the election is over and only if Hillary Clinton wins the U.S. Presidency.

30

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

RW: I’m not joking; I haven’t sung it for a few weeks now, but I intend to sing it in a couple of weeks when Hillary Clinton wins the election.

ION: What can your audience expect from your show?

RW: I’ll do a little bit from my Sonnets, a little of my first opera, Prima Donna, I’ll do some the old hits, some new songs,

I have a pretty varied arsenal at this point. I enjoy giving some from all the different departments.

A potpourri! Hopefully I’ll be singing “Hallelujah” again.

Rufus Wainwright performs at the Mesa Arts Center, 1 E. Main St. Thursday, November 10 at 7:30 p.m.

For tickets call 480-644-6500 or visit MesaArtsCenter.com

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 31

32

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

Charlie’s 32nd Anniversary

Seems like just yesterday we started two-steppin’ at that lil’ bitty ol’ pissant country place. 32 years later they’re going strong and one of the best saloons in Phoenix.

They’re celebrating with a big hootenanny on Tuesday, November 8 with the election party “Chooz & Booze” with 1¢ cocktails from 7-9 p.m. plus food and a show. 727 W. Camelback Rd. CharliesPhoenix.com See ad on p. 11 & back cover.

Growing Up Trans

November is Transgender Awareness Month. Children are changing genders and transitioning at younger ages with new medical options.

This screening of the PBS documentary takes the audience on an intimate journey facing transgender kids and families. Stay for the conversation with prominent trans community members. Brought to you by the City of Scottsdale Office of Diversity, Thursday at 5:30 p.m., Civic Center Library, 3839 Drinkwater Blvd. in Scottsdale.

Bacon Cook-Off at Kobalt

And this little piggy cried, “Wee, wee, wee!” ... all the way to the Kobalt Bacon Cook-Off! Bring your best dish using everyone’s favorite cured pork.

There’s a dart tournament, cash prizes, raffles and more! Benefiting HALO Animal Rescue, Chuck Waggin’ Pet Food Pantry & Mulligan’s Manor. Sunday, November 13 at 1 p.m. Kobalt: 3110 N. Central Ave. Ph: 602-264-5307. See ad on p. 8

34

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

Blue Friday Comedy Show

Q: What’s the difference between oral sex & anal sex?

A: Oral sex makes your whole day. Anal sex makes your hole weak. Gene Moore and Ernesto Ortiz have a whole show devoted to dirty jokes (that are a helluva lot funnier than the one above!) every third Friday. Get ready to laugh you @$% off! 10:30 p.m., November 18 at Cruisin’ 7th. 3702 N. 7th St. in Phoenix. Go to Cruisin7th.com for details. See the ad on p. 15

Wax-A-Bear (and Stuff-A-Turkey)

Join the Phoenix Boys of a Leather for their 8th Annual Wax-ABear & Stuff-A-Turkey event! Bid on your favorite bear and wax the hairy body part of your choice! All proceeds benefit Logan’s Playground and Joshua Tree Feeding Program. It happens Saturday, November 19 at 9 p.m. Depilatory provided. The Anvil, 2424 E. Thomas Rd. in Phoenix. See ad on p. 14

NOVEMBER 2016 ION EVENTS DATE

EVENT

COMPANY

PHONE

Tues Music Trivia Bingo 4 Glenville Slim’s Jamboree Blues Show 2 Dia de los Muertos 2 Dia de los Muertos 8 Charlie’s 32nd Anniversary 10 Growing Up Trans film/talk 10 Great Gatsby Party 11 Military Party 11 Veteran’s Day Vaquero Dance 11 Bearracuda 12 AML Club Night 13 Bacon Cook-Off 14 Paint ‘n’ Sip 17 Moulin Rouge! Big Gay Sing-a-Long 18-19 Get Stuffed 18 Blue Friday Comedy Show 18 Pups ‘n’ Handlers 18 Conjunto Poder 19 Military Ball 19 Wax-a-Bear Benefit 19 Beer Olympics 23 Carnaval Latino 24 Thanksgiving Party

Stacy’s @ Melrose Cruisin’ 7th Karamba’s Charlie’s Charlie’s Scotts. Civic Ctr. Library Karamba’s Charlie’s Karamba’s The Rock The Anvil Kobalt Pinot’s Palette Film Bar Dick’s Cabaret Cruisin’ 7th The Anvil Karamba’s Karamba’s The Anvil Charlie’s Karamba’s Karamba’s

Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Scottsdale Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix

2 3 10

Live on Central Children’s Museum Sheraton Downtown

Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix

DECEMBER

#KIRBYGIRLS Festival of Trees Red Brunch

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 35

GAY SKATE

36

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

GRE AT SK ATE GLENDALE

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 37

38

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

40

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

#KirbyGirls 2016 Scotty Kirby and the “girls” are back for the second annual installment of Scotty’s new photo collections featuring performances Phoenix favorites like Holly Peña Popper, Miley Mitchells, Piper M’Shay, Savannah Stevens, his muse Coco St. James and many more local beauties. They’ll be joined by stars Coco Montrese from RuPaul’s Drag Race and others. Friday, December 2 at the Grand Ballroom of Live on Central, 710 N. Central Ave. For tickets go to ScottyKirby.com

NOVEMBER 2016 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE

TIME

11/23 11/25

Karamba

12:00pm Charlie’s

11/30 Mondays

LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S)

Karamba

10:00pm Charlie’s

Chi Chi DeVayne & Daxexclamationpoint Pussy’s Leftovers Show Miss Mundo 2016 Claudia B Hosts The Strip Factor

Tuesday

10:00pm Karamba

Savannah Moussier’s Show

Tuesdays

9:00pm

Stars Choice Talent Showcase

Wednesdays 9:00pm

BS West Kobalt

Garden Variety Revue with Olivia Gardens

Wednesdays 10:30pm Karamba

Karamba Girls - Adriana Galiano & Karime Lizaldi

Wednesdays 10:00pm Charlie’s

Nevaeh’s High Heels & Halos

1st & 3rd Thurs 9pm

Cruisin’ 7th

Thursdays

10:30pm Karamba

Thursdays

10:00pm Charlie’s

2nd & 4th Fri 10:30pn

Camping Out with the Southern Belles Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds Coco St. James’ Neon Party

Cruisin’ 7th

Nikki at Night with Nikki Knowles Special Event Rotating Drag Shows

Fridays

10:30

The Rock

Fridays

9:00pm

Plazma

Freaky Fridays with Celia Putty

Fridays

9:00pm

BS West

Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers

2nd Saturday 9:30pm Saturdays

Kobalt

10:30pm Cruisin’ 7th

Celia Putty Lady Christian’s Lady & the Tramps

Saturdays

10:00pm The Rock

The Barbra Seville Show

Saturdays

9:30pm

Charlie’s

Pussy’s Patio Show Excuse Our Beauty Revue

1st Sunday

2:00pm

Cruisin’ 7th

Sundays

11:00am

Los Diablos

Show Tunes Sunday

Sundays

8:30pm

Charlie’s

Pussy LeHoot & Friends

Sundays

7:00pm

BS West

Sundays

10:30pm Karamba

The Showgirl Follies Big Sexy Show Diamond’s Show

3rd Sunday

2:00pm

Cruisin’ 7th

The Morning After with Trixxie Deluxxe

12/2

9:00pm

Live on Central

#KirbyGirls 2016

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 41

42

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 43

44

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

Nick Offerman: “Full Bush”

You recognize him as the anti-bureaucratic Ron Swanson, fictional director of Pawnee in Parks and Recreation. In this one man show, deadpan Offerman does a little lumberjack singing, story telling and more when he goes, “Full Bush” on Sunday, November 6 at the Rialto Theatre, 318 E. Congress St. in Tucson. For tickets call 520-740-1000 or go to RialtoTheatre.com or Ticketfly.com

John Cleese & Eric Idle

These two hilarious stars of the wacky Monty Python’s Flying Circus are reunited: “Together Again At Last ... For The Very First Time” in an evening of sit-down comedy, sketches, musical numbers plus a Q&A on Tuesday, November 22 at the University of Arizona Centennial Hall, 1020 E. University Blvd. in Tucson. Tix are available at UApresents.org or call 520-621-3341

Beautiful: The Carole King Musical “I’ll come runnin’, you’ve got a friend.” When singer/songwriter Carole King’s personal life began to crack, she found her voice who’s music became the soundtrack for a generation. Don’t miss this musical Tuesday, November 22 at ASU Gammage, 1200 S. Forest Ave. in Tempe. Get tickets at ASUgammage.com TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000

NOVEMBER 2016 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE

EVENT

COMPANY

PHONE

1-13 3-6 3-6 4-5 4-20 5 thru 6 6 16-12/24 18-19 22 20 22 25-12/30 29-12/4 29-12/11

Funny Girl Chris Titus Jeff Dye Marisol The Music Man Carlos Mencia The Trump Card Nick Offerman Billy Elliott Mo’Nique John Cleese & Eric Idle Gabriel Iglesias Beautiful - Carol King A Bloody Mary Christmas Sound of Music Christmas Carol

AZ B’way Theatre 623-776-8400 Tempe Improv 480-921-9877 StandUp Live 480-719-6100 Space 55 - Phx 866-811-4111 Mesa Encore Theatre 480-644-6500 Casino del Sol - Tucson 800-344-9435 Stray Cat Theatre - Tempe 480-227-1766 Rialto Theatre - Tucson 520-740-1000 Phoenix Theatre 602-254-2151 StandUp Live 480-719-6100 Centennial Hall - Tucson 520-621-3341 Talking Stick Resort - Scotts. 800-745-3000 ASU Gammage 480-965-3434 Space 55 - Phx 866-811-4111 UofA Centennial Hall - Tucson 520-621-3341 AZ B’way Theatre 623-776-8400

DEC 1-3

Jeff Ross

StandUp Live - Phx

October 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 45

480-719-6100

DON’T GET

ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS SHOW UP, DRINK, DINE & LAUGH YOUR SOCKS OFF!

houseofcomedy.net

BOOK NOW!

480.420.3553

5350 E. HIGH STREET, PHOENIX AZ (FORMERLY CITY NORTH)

46

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

Rufus Wainwright

The talented Rufus (son of folk singers Loudon Wainwright and Kate McGarrigle) sings everything from old Civil War ballads to Judy Garland showtunes. Catch this supergay on Thursday, November 10 at Mesa Arts Center, 1 E Main St. For tickets visit MesaArtsCenter.com or call 480-644-6500

Gogol Bordello

This wild, gypsy-punk band is known for their enthusiastic theatricality.

You can’t help but love ‘em! We think front man Eugene Hütz is kinda hot.

TUCSON: Mon. Nov. 14: Rialto Theatre, 318 E. Congress St 520-740-1000 or visit RialtoTheatre.com for tix.

TEMPE: Tues. Nov. 15: Marquee Theatre, 730 N. Mill Ave. Tickets: 480-839-0707 or LuckyManOnline.com

Scott Bradlee’s Postmodern Jukebox

A successful performer in New York City, music director Bradlee works with a rotating group of musicians producing covers of pop songs in jazz, swing and ragtime, like Puddles Pity Party’s viral version of “Royals.” Sunday, November 27 at Mesa Arts Center, 1 E Main St. For tickets visit MesaArtsCenter.com or call 480-644-6500

NOVEMBER 2016 ION CONCERT CALENDAR DATE ARTIST 3 The English Beat 3 Kris Kristofferson

LOCATION Livewire - Scottsdale Talking Stick Resort - Scotts.

4 The English Beat 7 Puddles Pity Party 10 Rufus Wainwright 13 Lauren Hill 14 Gogol Bordello 15 Ringo Starr 15 Il Divo 15 Gogol Bordello 19 Journey 19 Huey Lewis & the News 21 Adele 27 Post Modern Jukebox 30 Jinglebash feat. Diplo DECEMBER 2 Henry Rollins 3 Alice Cooper’s Xmas Pudding

Rialto Theatre - Tucson 520-740-1000 Crescent Ballroom - Phx 602-716-2222 Mesa Arts Ctr. 480-644-6500 Comerica Theatre - Phx 800-745-3000 Rialto Theatre - Tucson 520-740-1000 Celebrity Theatre - Phx 602-267-1600 Comerica Theatre - Phx 800-745-3000 Marquee Theatre - Phx 480-839-0707 Pool @ Talking Stick Resort 800-745-3000 Livewire - Scotts 800-745-3000 Talking Stick Resort Arena - Phx 800-745-3000 Mesa Arts Ctr. 480-644-6500 Comerica Theatre 800-745-3000

4

Glenville Slim’s Jamboree Blues Show

Cruisin’ 7th

Rialto Theatre - Tucson Celebrity Theatre - Phx

PHONE 480-361-9783 800-745-3000

Phoenix

520-740-1000 602-267-1600

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 47

48

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

My Dead Boyfriend Starring: Heather Graham, John Corbett, Scott Michael Foster

Sweet, unaccomplished Mary (Graham, Drugstore Cowboy) comes home to find her deadbeat, loser boyfriend, Primo Schultz, (Corbett, My Big Fat Greek Wedding) is dead. In a series of misadventures to get rid of his ashes (and his dog), Mary discovers her not-so-dearly departed was quite a guy. Well, besides having slept with most of New York City. She also learns something about herself.

Added bonuses: Tina Gershon (Showgirls) and Lady Bunny.

Opens November 4

Loving

Starring: Joel Edgerton, Ruth Negga Loving who you want in America has long been a contest—not just for same-sex folks. Mildred Jeter, (Negga, Warcraft), and Richard Loving (Edgerton, The Great Gatsby), were arrested and sentenced to prison in Virginia in 1958, because their interracial marriage violated the state’s

anti-miscegenation laws.They sued the state leading to the Supreme Court’s unanimous decision in Loving v.

Virginia, which holds that laws prohibiting interracial marriage are unconstitutional.

Opens November 4

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them Starring: Eddie Redmayne, Colin Farrell, Katherine Waterston

J.K. Rowling (author of the Harry Potter series) makes her screenwriting debut in this Potter prequel. Picture it. New York. 1926. A young wizard, Newt Scamander, (Redmayne, The Danish Girl) arrives in the city with a valise filled with magical creatures. The bag is misplaced, magical creatures escape and all special effects hell breaks loose. Look for Ezra Miller (Perks of Being a Wallflower) to cast his own spell.

Opens November 18

Friend Request

When social media goes wrong. Terribly wrong. Popular, cute coed Laura accepts a friend request on Facebook from a mysterious girl. Big mistake. Soon Laura’s 800 plus friends start dying violent deaths. Let that be a lesson to you kids.

Opens November 18

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 49

Phoenix • Roxboro Puerto Vallarta

1940 East Camelback, Phoenix | 602.216.1616

52

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

Aural Fixation

by Peter Lora pintelonegro@gmail.com

Lady Gaga

Solange A Seat

Joanne

The meat-clad antics that propelled Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta’s career as Lady GaGa ushered in a new era of pop.

As GaGa pushed the envelope with her combination of “soulless electronic pop” and high art pop quotations of David Bowie, Björk and Madonna, her peers seemed to catch up. Suddenly the leader of the pack saw herself lagging behind in a race she started.

ARTPOP was a critical and commercial disappointment.

Joanne, named after her late aunt sees Lady GaGa dipping into country and folk idioms. She shines on piano and acoustic guitar driven tracks, “Million Reasons,” “Sinners Prayer” and “Joanne,” a song where she speaks to her aunt as almost an alter ego in the way that Stevie Nicks references “Sara.” “I’m not flawless, but a diamond heart,” a lyric in “Diamond Heart” throws the slightest hint of shade at one of the only other women to reach the same heights of stardom.

“A-YO” is part “Shake it Off,” part Shania Twain discard—like a song that seems like a request from a worried record label. Lead single “Perfect Illusion” has the makings of a hit but misses the mark. As much as Lady GaGa needed a sort of musical renaissance, Joanne, her new civilian reincarnation, feels more like a step in another direction rather than a full blown reinvention. Question is, which GaGa will appear at the Super Bowl?

Available Now

at the Table

If Beyoncé were the sun, as she often feels described as such, her sister Solange would be a sort of mellow, blue planet orbiting nearby. With her previous albums, Solange seemed to set the m.o. that she was never going to sound like, act like, dress like or even aspire to step into the realm of her much more famous sibling.

With A Seat at the Table the baby sister, now 30, seems to have found her voice.

The album is intimate, Solange’s cozy and warm voice at the forefront. “Rise” is a subtle and simple entry into the album, a harmonious call to prayer. This leads to directly to “Weary”, the political undertones float to the surface of the jazz trio accompaniment.

“I’m weary of the ways of the world”. “Don’t Touch My Hair” and “Cranes in the Sky” are triumphant reflections on black womanhood. A Seat at the Table is a must-listen.

Available Now RuPaul

THE DL SONGS TO DOWNLOAD ARTIST - “SONG”

Rupaul - “Read U, Wrote U” The Weeknd - “False Alarm” Dolly Parton, Emmylou Harris, Linda Ronstadt “Do I Ever Cross Your Mind” Phantogram - “You Don’t Get Me High Anymore” Radio Dept. - “We Got Game” Warpaint - “New Song” The Growlers - “City Club” Liv - “Wings of Love” Soft Hair - “Lying Has to Stop” Drake - “Fake Love” November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 53

54

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

ionazeditor@me.com

Cali to Italy The Royal Road 2015 El Camino Real, or the Royal Road, is the historic, 600 mile road connecting Fr. Junipero Serra’s 21 missions, four presidios and three pueblos from San Diego to San Francisco, California, in the 1700s for the glory of Spain. Sections of the original route still remain.

Lesbian filmmaker Jenni Olson (founder of PlanetOUT.com) offers up a mesmerizing, hypnotic essay on 16-mm film about life and love in the Golden State along this historic boulevard in this touching award-winning remembrance of things past.

Olson describes her artful, dreamlike, 65-minute long moving slide show/ postcard-like tour of California’s Royal Road as “images of what once was, and a prompt to appreciate what now is.”

More than just a valentine to Cali, it’s “a story about love and loss and me, that reveals more about me than I ever expected to say,” says Olson. Don’t dismiss this as solely “a lesbian movie.”

Longing, melancholy and pastiches of humor dot this quiet film narrated with Olson’s poetic monologue about the love and yearning everyone can appreciate no matter who you love or where you live.

Tender and evocative, anybody who harbors memories of love for someone or for California will appreciate this. Watch it twice, at least.

Available now RoyalRoadMovie.com DVD: WolfeVideo.com or Amazon Digital: Vimeo, iTunes, VUDU, Xbox, GooglePlay, AmazonVideo or WolfeOnDemand

Francesca

(2015)

Starring: Italians A film genre emerged in 1970s Italy called, “giallo.” These schlocky “thrillers” are sometimes referred to as “Spaghetti Horror.”

There’s mystery, melodrama, a confusing plot, dutch angles, suspense, sex, models in lingerie, and a really low budget. The Scream franchise would be a loose, American equivalent.

Francesca is an homage to those movies, filmed through a gritty lens with poorly dubbed Italian, awful music, requisite blood and a “whodunit?” The plot: two detectives search for a serial killer, but first have to solve the case of a girl who disappeared 15 years ago.

Only a devoted cinephile and giallo enthusiast will appreciate this film, considered a triumph of the art in some circles. Why? I don’t know. ★☆☆☆☆

Available in a Collector’s Edition with Blu-ray, DVD & soundtrack on Amazon. com and AmazonVideo

★★★★☆ November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 55

56

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 57

58

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

Blue Hound C

elebrate ION Arizona’s annual “Pets in the City” with a treat! If you’re tired of the same ol’ boring kibbles and bits you usually eat, race over to Blue Hound Kitchen & Cocktails for some “people chow” that have you panting and begging for more. Because we all know a hungry dog hunts best.

Who let the dogs out?

We’re not sure, but we’re sure about one thing: when you trot to the Hotel Palomar at CityScape in downtown Phoenix you’ll see why so many people are wagging their tails. Executive Chef Sean Currid is the top dog, honing his skills at the Valley Ho, and the Mary Elaine at the Phoenician before moving to Blue Hound, creating a Southern gastropub with a modern twist.

Arf! Appetizers! We’re panting for the BHKC Deviled Eggs. The secret is bacon jam and a dab of dijon. $6 & $10. Nibble away on a tasty dish of roasted Shishito Peppers with a sprinkling of sesame seeds and sriracha aioli dip. Mild and sweet with a snappy spark, you can’t stop at just one. $9. We’re selfish with shellfish. Don’t

ignore the succulent Clams with garlic, shallots and ginger beer. Ask for extra Noble Bread to sop up the savory broth. $16 You’ll beg for The BHKC Chop: you get a tray with lanes of fregola (a pasta similar to couscous), pepitas, dried corn, Cotija cheese, avocado and baby tomatoes. The variety of textures lends an extra dimension to the taste.

Make room for the Roasted Beets accompanied by rich Boursin cheese, sectioned clementine, fennel, pickled shallots and a refreshing garden vinaigrette.

Both are $14 each.

Blue Hound doesn’t scrimp on the Shrimp and Grits served with spicy Andouille sausage, tomatoes and green onions. This ranks as a genuine favorite for our table. $25.

Woof! Dive in for the delicate, lightly Blackened Salmon with silky, smooth, celery root puree coaxing out the best of the fish. It’s garnished with bold rapini (or broccoli rabe) to give your tastebuds a jab, served with a spate of braised cipollini, a wild onion from the grape hyacinth. $27.

“Fetch!”

Carnivores will chase their November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 59

own tail when they see the spectacular 22 oz Bone-In Ribeye, served with rapini, and heavenly sunchokes—a potato-like tuber with a sweet, nutty flavor you’ll flip over, and a grand gaboodle of enoki mushrooms for $70. The thick, tender viand is a star with a choice marbling which gives this cut the rich, juicy flavor it’s known for. You might even be able to share. Or you might not.

Bow wow WOW! In an industry where you can rarely teach an old dog new tricks, Chef Currid’s imaginative menu at Blue Hound Kitchen changes seasonally and lets the farmer’s bounty dictate what’s in the pantry. Produce is locally procured and the beef is from Shamrock Farms. “I let great service and food capture the moment,” says Chef. A word about the service: veteran server Christopher is human’s best friend here.

Efficient, friendly and knowledgeable,

60

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

he might even scratch you between the ears.

Well, okay ... maybe that’s going too far. But he’s pretty great.

Every dog has its day. And at the end of that day why don’t you treat yourself to a fine, custom craft cocktail at Blue Hound?

We howled for fine drinkables like the fresh ‘n’ fruity Caribbean Spirit, the tart ‘n’ tangy tequila based Sayulita. After a long day at the dog park you’ll beg for The Original Lawless, a dark, deep, dusky bourbon. The Blue Hound mixologist can even create a spirituous sipper if you name the base booze. Sit. Stay. Good dog!

Yip! Yip! A trip to Blue Hound Kitchen & Cocktails will guarantee you and the rest of your pack will leave with your tails wagging. Good boy! Good girl!

2 E. Jefferson St. - Phoenix Phone: 602-258-0231 Lunch & Dinner, Happy Hour M-F 3-6 p.m.

BlueHoundKitchen.com

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 61

photos by Franklin Diaz Text by Deon Brown

Our pet friends

never disappoint us.

They’re always there. It’s hard to know who depends on each other more. One thing’s for sure: their love is unconditional.

ION Arizona celebrates you and your pet friends with our annual feature, “Pets in the City.” With your help we raised over $500 for the Joshua Tree Pet Assistance Project, dedicated to developing cost effective assistance programs for people living with HIV/AIDS feed and care for their companion animals.

We’re proud to have Tito’s Handmade Vodka sponsor this special issue. They’re partnering with the ASPCA to improve animal welfare and find “A Home for the Holidays” for pets around the country. Tito’s is donating $150,000 to the ASPCA to provide effective means for the prevention of cruelty to animals in the USA. That’s why they make “Vodka for Dog People.”

If you have a dog, cat or even a goldfish, ION Arizona and Tito’s Handmade Vodka celebrates you and your friend.

Bradley Dial and Tim Schwer with Hachi

➤

Bradley adopted Hachi from the Alta Vista Veterinary Hospital in central Phoenix, where he was recuperating from a broken leg. He’s in the pink now! He can loves men and chasing balls. Like father, like son, right? Bradley and Hachi both have gorgeous blue eyes to die for. Tim is the best looking bartender at Charlie’s.

KJ Philp & Koa ➤ This rascally Puggie-Wuggie mix was an orphan celebrating Verde Valley Pride with the Arizona Human Society when she convinced KJ to adopt her. Koa loves a good Sunday Brunch, a little beer, and the occasional left-shoe from time to time. KJ is the editor of Echo Magazine.

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 63

James Williams and Samuel Villalba with Walter & Catalina Walter is a 3-year-old Shih-Tzu. The best day of his life was when he was rescued at the Arizona Humane Society. Catalina, a Labrador Retriever/Pit Bull mix is an aggressive cuddler.

She believes that “a lady doesn’t divulge her age,” but we hear she’s almost 8-years-old.

Samuel teaches special education and James is an Instructional Coach at Cesar Chavez Leadership Academy.

64

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

Angel Jimenez with Gio

➤

“Do you want a treat?” or “¿Quieres una galletita?” Gio is a 5-years-old Shih TzuMaltese mix, and smarter than most of us: he’s bilingual and knows, both, English and Spanish. He has a smart teacher. Angel is a graphic designer and production artist. He lends his talents to ION Arizona, too.

Nirvana DaSilva with Pepper ➤ Perky Pepper found her salvation thanks to the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office Animal Safe Haven after living with a hoarder.

She loves dog parks and never gets tired.

Her great talent is destroying any toy in less than a minute. Nirvana is an emergency vet tech; sometimes Pepper goes to work with her.

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 65

“Hatchet” Crissinger & ➤ Damien Be as wonderful as your dog thinks you are. That’s a pretty good goal in life.

Hatchet’s rowdy dog Damien is a Catahoula Cur. This fantastic breed that has the distinction of being the State Dog of Louisiana, y’all.

Dusty Fuller, Steve Dudus & Bradley

➤

It’s a whole new world out there for this little tyke.

Bradley is a Boston Terrier, a breed originating around 1870 they call “The American Gentleman.”

Cuddly and curious, he’s giving Dusty and Steve a wild chase.

66

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

Cole Hoodley and Brad Carpenter with Romero & Winston Properly trained, Man can be a dog’s best friend. Cole and Brad have two of the greatest pals you could ask for. Romero is a purebred Shih-Tzu and Winston is a Pappilon-Terrier mix.

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 67

Sandeep ➤ Sharma & Poseidon Dogs have a nice life. Have you ever seen a dog wearing a wristwatch? Exactly.

Sharma’s pal Poseidon is 1-year-old, but Siberian Huskies ancestors date back to the Late Pleistocene and Early Holocene periods.

How far back can you trace your kin?

Jessica Ruiz & Goose

➤

When one door closes another one opens. A tragic event took Jessica’s last dog, Moose.

Her new puppy, Goose, resembles Moose in so many ways.

“I feel like he is the reincarnation; he’s definitely mended my broken heart,” says Jessica. Puppies have a way of doing that.

68

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

Robert Vance and Stuart Macaulay with Huckleberry

➤

It might be a distance of twofeet, it might be two miles, but if you’re in Huck’s sightline, he’s sure you’re coming to see him.

Robert is Managing Director at the Well & Being Spa at the Fairmont Scottsdale. Stuart is a wizard with color at Taglio Salon.

Derek ➤ Kruse & Blanche Blanche is a two-yearold, sexy, gorgeous, purebred Bull Mastiff named after the easy Golden Girls vixen who never wore underwear and Derek’s greatgrandmother, who did.

We’re not sure if Derek does, but we’re guessing he’s better at attracting men than the pooch.

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 69

Scotty Kirby with Fat Roger

➤

Fat Roger never met a snack he didn’t like.

He can’t bear to be without Scotty and has seizures whenever he leaves (codependent much?) so binging helps. Scotty is an eagerly sought after photographer and contributor to ION Arizona. We can’t wait for his annual #KirbyGirls spectacular on December 2. Visit ScottyKirby.com for tickets.

Ben ➤ Whitneybell & Butters ¡Ai, ai, ai! Butters was a stray, just livin’ la vida loca on the mean streets of Phoenix when he was saved from a life of certain crime. A born scavenger, Butters lived on Doritos and hot dogs at first. When it’s bedtime he likes to inappropriately lodge himself in Ben’s fine nooks and crannies. Frankly, we think that’s totally appropriate.

70

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

Michael Browder & Chanel “It is always better to be slightly underdressed,” said fashion designer Coco Chanel, the namesake of Michael’s 2-year-old blonde Pomeranian, who doesn’t need to wear clothes to look fabulous. Michael got Chanel when he was only one week old. Michael might look familiar to you: he’s also drag entertainer, Aubrey Ghalichi, Miss ArizonaDrag 2016.

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 71

➤ Adrian Ibave with Alejandro & Ellie Money can buy you a dog, but it won’t buy you the wag of his tale. Alejandro, a Pit/ Australian Shepherd mix and little Ellie the Daschund are always wagging their tails for their pop. It’s a dog’s life!

Tyra Marie ➤ with Honey Marie & Kennedy Sultry Tyra Marie gets a run for her money with 3-year-old Chihuahua Honey Marie, a sassy diva who doesn’t like to be bothered and Kennedy, a troublemaker of a Schnauzer, almost 2-years-old.

Tyra is Miss Gay Arizona America 2013.

72

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

Kristopher Tennison & Charlie Just a pup, Charlie, a Golden Retriever, loves tennis balls! (That’s a surprise!) A born athlete, he loves to swim and relaxes with a good mud bath. Not keen on cuddling, he shows his love and affection by chewing up your shoes. Your favorite shoes. The expensive ones you saved up for. Yep. Those shoes.

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 73

Marco Villalobos and Ayce Griego with Bruno, Fifi, Simba & Jinx Together for two years, Ayce and Marco moved in together—thanks to the cats who let them stay in their apartment. Ayce and marco needed something extra to make it a “home.” Puppies were the answer. The cats said it was okay to let them stay. Now they have a full house!

74

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

Jimmy Thomason with Shayla & Ginger These pups own the weekend.

3-year-old Shayla starts the day with a hike, following it up with a nap while Jimmy clears out the DVR with 11-year-old Ginger.

Jimmy was a top fundraiser, bringing in nearly $4,000 for Aunt Rita’s Foundation at AIDS Walk Arizona while Shayla raked in over $600. This earned each fur-friend a t-bone steak. They vacation by the seashore in San Diego when possible.

Blake Conley & Chip Won’t you be mine? On Valentine’s Day 2012, little Corgi/American Eskimo pup was waiting in San Diego’s Humane Society for that “someone special.” Blake opened his heart and home to the little pooch he named “Chip.” He enjoys long walk and is a champ at agility courses.

Fortune cookies are his weakness.

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 75

Joe Finedore & Tig ➤ Joe’s furry little bundle of joy was born this past August 4. She’s named “Tig” after the character on Joe’s favorite show, Sons of Anarchy.

Tig is mighty sensitive for such a young pup, but, like most puppies, she’s still plenty bold ‘n’ brassy.

Miss Gina & Mo’Cat

➤

A friend gave the little Chihuaha Mo’Cat to Gina who claims, “He’s the best thing in my life. His face looks like my old cat and his body looks like a cow’s, hence the name ‘Mo’Cat.’” Miss Gina works at OZ Bar.

76

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

Nathan Rhoton & Willie ➤ Far from the bonnie, bonnie banks of Loch Lomond, Scottish Terrier, 3-year-old wee Willie claims a dash of Golden Retriever in his heritage, too. He was rescued from a dubious future at the Arizona Human Society by Nathan, the Development Director of one•n•ten.

William Stratton and Brian Coffin with Karen Walker & Rosario “I don’t know what you do in Costaguadamexirico, but here in America we don’t eat birds!” Karen Walker and Rosario are actual sisters, sweetie. It’s all one big, happy family at their house—with a few of gin rickeys and Milk Bones.

Guess who gets what?

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 77

More than a dog, Cookies is Martin’s special companion and guardian. “He was given to me at a moment in my life when I least expected it.” The pair jog & hike together.

Cookies loves to go for a drive and he’s a big Katy Perry fan.

Martin Ruan & Cookies

80

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 81

82

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 83

84

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 85

86

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

Awarded

“Best Salon in the West” Sophisticate’s Hairstyle Guide

602.216.1616

1940 E. Camelback, Phoenix

Present this ad for 50% Off your first visit Phoenix • Roxboro • Puerto Vallarta October 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 87

88

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

November 2016

Vol. 10, Issue 8

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

ION Arizona’s Outrageous News OUTRAGEOUS! Endorses Election.

PHOENIX – Since 1906 ION Arizona’s “Outrageous News has stood as a sputtering beacon of journalistic semiexcellence and a paragon of quasi-virtue in the everbooming world of print periodicals.

best faux news available to the public from our state of the art newsroom and offices.

For the first time since our history, ION Arizona’s esteemed publisher, John M. “Black Jack” Tesorero, is lending his voice and almost taking a firm stand when Readers have he encourages long regarded Americans, “Vote “Outrageous for someone you ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL News” as a might possibly somewhat want to see in the skeptical White House on touchstone November 8 at when it the polls! There’s comes to the hard-hitting issues that affect a fifty-fifty chance you’ll guess for the right Americans in at least three small towns one! Vote early and vote often!” across the nation. Maybe only one. In 1914 With wildly swinging polls, Tesorero we erroneously reported, “Titanic Fender predicts, “Either Hillary or The Donald will Bender: Not That Bad.” But true to our dubious integrity, we continued to bring the win the election. We’re sure of it.”

OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 89

90

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

OUTRAGEOUS! Pres. Debate’s Unlikely Star Ken Bone is OUTRAGEOUS! Pin-Up for Bears.

SHILOH, Ill. – and manly. He’s The pudgy, affable stout and sexy. We’re “Everyman” bananas for this big boy who emerged as beefcake.” the unlikely star of the second Bone weighed in as a U.S. Presidential hefty hit for chubby debate staged chasers, too, scoring ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL at Washington high marks as a burly, University in St. brawny butterball Louis, Mo. on for Republicans and October 9 has a Democrats alike for his new claim to fame: non-partisan nature. the hefty hero of the night’s spitting “There’s something match between about a husky hunk in Sec’y. Clinton and a red quarter zip-up Donald Trump is sweater and a pair of a big hit with the khakis that drives me gay men’s “Bear” up the wall,” said one community. admirer of ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLYanonymous ACCIDENTAL girthy guys.

ANY TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL “He’s RESEMBLANCE perfect,” said Harvey Plans for a full line of “Honeybear” posters, videos, mugs, Hitchens of Terre lunchbags, plates and Haute, Ind., a platters with Bone’s connoisseur of the beefy boys so highly corpulent image are in the works. prized within the community. “He’s meaty

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 91

92

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

FREE TO LISTEN AND REPLY TO ADS Free Code: IONAZ

FIND REAL GAY MEN NEAR YOU Phoenix:

(602) 993-4567

Tucson:

(520) 791-2345 www.megamates.com 18+

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 93

94

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

dragged him home with me. He’s unemployed and insists on going out to eat all the time. We just can’t afford to unties, whoever said money eat out every night. What the hell have I makes you happier, surely never met gotten myself into? these folks. This month’s installment of Favorite Bitch® is all about Love 4 Sale — Scottsdale Drag Diva ... and unfortunately, most of it’s on the Dear The Only Thing That Should Be final clearance rack!

Getting Eaten Out Every Night Is YOU,

H

Dear Miss Tiger, My friend Katie married somebody rich.

She totally ditched me now that she’s hanging out with a bunch of other rich housewives. It’s not my fault that my husband isn’t wealthy and it’s not my problem she changed. What do you think?

— Heather

Darling, next time you go lookin’ for the worst that Scottsdale has to offer, try dragging home some of that discount Merle Norman makeup instead of some discount hillbilly loser!

Had you done like Katie, you’d be counting dollars instead of counting loose change ... at a CVS Coinstar.

NEXT!

Alone, I’d love to find a man who not only makes me skeet the sheets, but is an expert at getting out the stains afterwards. So leave her boo alone and try sashayin’ yo’ ass down to the laundromat. Who knows, maybe you’ll meet a man that can soak and tumble dry your ass too!

Dear Miss Tiger, My wealthy friend is banging this really hot dude who works at the the laundromat.

I’ve tried telling her that he’s never gonna be able to maintain her lifestyle. She just Dear Flying Stand-By In A First Class won’t listen! Am I wrong?

World, Ummm, it most certainly is your fault—for — Gay Best Friend marrying somebody broke!

Dear Leave Stanley Steemer The Hell

Dear Miss Tiger, I just found out that my boyfriend is escorting. I’m seeing red! He says I shouldn’t be jealous because all his clients are lonely, old uppity women.

What should I do?

— Monique Dear I See A Business Opportunity In Your Future, To hell with seeing red ... start seeing green! Instead of getting jealous, get your man a new gay clientele. Word on the street is that tired old queens pay way more than those bitter old spinsters!

Dear Miss Tiger, I met Merle at one of my shows and

Need advice? Tweet or Facebook me and get the answers you’ve been looking for!

MISS TIGER Advice Columnist • SiriusXM radio personality ... and everyone’s #FAVORITEBITCH Website FavoriteBitch.com Facebook /MissTiger Advice ask@misstiger.com November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 95

96

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016

by Addison DeWitt

Adorable Antonio Espinoza and fuzzy-wuzzy Cody barely endured the Halloween heatwave and just couldn’t keep their pants on. (E) I’m good with that. Shots anyone? (Look down. A little further … a little up.

There.

S

erving up some Hannah Montana realness: These two “sweet niblets” from Phoenix Channel 10 Fox News got all Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen Twins on us! My heartthrob Ty Brennan called up dishy Marc Martinez (A) one morning saying, “Hey, girl!

I’ll wear my Banana Republic blue & white windowpane plaid linen shirt, grey shorts and flip-flops if you do.” And they did. “Say what?”

Be careful when you drive past the Grassy Knoll, folks! Jackie Oh My Gosh! (F) partied like it was November 22, 1963 in her Chanel suit. (Here’s a secret: it’s a knock off! I know!

Right?)

What do you do when you hear a banana ringing? You answer it, of course, stupid. It might be Clayton McKee (B) calling.

Who needs a babysitter? I’ll watch the delicious and deluscious Lux (C) anytime!

The BS West Odyssey 2016 Halloween Party was out of this world!

Go, go, Gadget! Emm Jay’s intrepid cyborg detective Inspector Gadget (D) can crack my widget with his ball peen hammer anytime.

Blind Item: This reporter was shocked to discover one of the noblest pillars of our community being fellated in the men’s room in one of the most scandalous bars in town! (Because it would be just wrong to do it in the ladies’ room.) He saw me, his handsome features bloated with lust (and poppers), I managed to utter a single, horrified, “I’m telling!” I was so revolted that I could only watch for about ten minutes before I had to leave.

I hope he brought some Clorox Disinfectant Wipes. And some penicillin.

November 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 97

E

M

ars enters Aquarius on November 9, giving you the impetus to try something different. Venus cozies up with Capricorn November 11, so look to expand your experiences. Finally, Neptune ends that annoying retrograde on the 19th; a hazy fog lifts so you’ll soon be able to focus on things. You reap what you sow this Thanksgiving. Gobble, gobble!

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 You can resist anything but temptation.

Mars helps you define goals, but you may be lured into some nefarious scheme by some smooth talking snake oil salesman.

Eyes on the prize. Don’t be an idiot.

Taurus April. 21 - May 20 It’s important for you focus on success.

Venus helps. You’ve been a little lazy, frankly. With Thanksgiving here you’re tempted by carbs galore. I know. They’re good, aren’t they? Just say, “No.” Gemini May 21 - June 21 Thanks to Mars, you discover a burst of energy beginning November 9. You’ve got all kinds of cockamamie ideas spinning around (typical you). Use this as a time to focus. It’s hard, but try. Try a little harder.

partner? You can’t get enough of each other.

Single? You can’t get enough of, well, pretty much everyone.

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22 Your mental energy surges after the 12th.

You’re all about acquiring and sharing information. New ideas, notions and plans are swirling all around you. Maybe a little gossip, too. Make it worthwhile.

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23 You’re sharp with incisive opinions on just about everything. That works to your advantage and against you. The last of Neptune’s retrograde stablizes things swirlig around you. Is it your birthday? Mercury lights a fire under your ass. You might get a second job or pursue something a little wild.

But that’s so you.

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23 When the Sun joins Mercury on the 21st you’ll shine in the spotlight. Take that first step to starting a special project. Birthday Sags discover a reward for hard work and take on something new. This “something new” opens up all kinds of opportunities.

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20 Well, go figure. Thanks to Venus entering your own sign of earthy Capricorn you’re feeling affectionate, charming and Cancer June 22 - July 22 diplomatic, which is unusual. You’re usually You’re craving that feeling of being in love. If pretty, well, blunt. It’s a fact. Get rid of clutter you are in love, you want to take to the next by the New Moon on Nov 29. level. It’s all because of Venus who makes Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 this happen. You’re feeling horny, both, Mars is in you. So totally in you. The ride mentally and physically. starts on the 9th, so hang on and enjoy the ride, baby. You need an outlet for all of your Leo July 23 - Aug. 22 pent up energy. Focus on a new project or You get a burst of creativity beginning on else you’ll get all bitchy and snotty. We hate November 12 thanks to Mercury. It could that. be anything from découpage, or making slings and harnesses. This makes you come Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 across as friendly and approachable. And a It’s all about goals, discipline and focus. little kinky.

Neptune’s retrograde finishes up in Pisces on the 19th. A fog is lifted and you’re finding Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22 You find yourself goofing off after November it easier to express your emotions--but don’t get too emotional. We just can’t deal with it.

11 when flirty Venus visits Capricorn. Gotta 98

WWW.IONAZ.COM November 2016