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E M BAS SY SU I T ES BY H I LTO N
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BEARRACUDA
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THE ROCK
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WATERING HOLE
TITO’S VODKA
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SEE MORE GREAT PICTURES AT IONAZ.COM
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PHX MERCURY PRIDE
TALKING STICK RESORT ARENA
Photos by Barry Gossage & Michael Gonzales 12
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17 W. Vernon Ave., Unit 3 Phoenix, AZ 85003 (602) 750-1164 www.IONAZ.com ionarizona@me.com PUBLISHER / SALES / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero ...................... jacktesorero@me.com EDITOR Deon Brown ............................... ionazeditor@me.com ART DIRECTOR Alex Campos ...................... ionazproduction@me.com COPY EDITOR ...................................... Austin Head PRODUCTION & ARTWORK SUBMISSIONS ionazproduction@me.com NATIONAL ADVERTISING REPRESENTATIVE Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 PHOTOGRAPHERS: Franklin Diaz Scotty Kirby LeakedGlass Production RSVP Photography Fernando Hernandez Rafalogie Studio CONTRIBUTORS:
Addison DeWitt C. Edwards Ted Kirby
Peter Lora Paul Sanchez Miss Tiger
Published monthly by
1995-2019: 24 Years of Design and Creative Excellence Š 2019 JMT Designs, Inc.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ
All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee. NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company. Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.
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CRAZYSHOTZ
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18 Again I
n 2009, Zac Efron was in a movie called 17 Again. He was sent back in time where he was 17-years-old and in high school. Well, ION Arizona is now 18 and if I knew then what I know now I would do things different. Where were you July 2001? What would you do differently if you were 17-years-old and could do it all over again? One of our Secrets to our Success (1987, starring Michael J. Fox) and our longevity is that we’re more than a magazine. When we started we were only print distributed in Phoenix. Today, not only is ION in Phoenix, Tempe, Scottsdale, Bisbee, Tucson, Flagstaff but throughout the world online. We also host signature events like Splash Bash, Sexiest Bartender Contest, Ignition Phoenix Car Show and Sausage Fest. Stay tuned for more info on the latter two coming this fall. We also sponsor and support all of the local non-profits like Phoenix Pride Reception July 13, Aunt Rita’s Project Red on June 20, GPGLCC Biz Bowl July 27, and this month’s moviethemed Dancing for one.n.ten on July 28 at Tempe Center for the Arts. Check out their feature on page 62. For our 18th Birthday, we’re going to be giving you the gifts. For year’s, I’ve had a “Bucket List” (2007, starring Jack 26
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Nicholson) for the magazine. We now finally have tons of ION swag including bracelets, towels, t-shirts, lip balm and even an ION Thermos. We’re adding a new mid-month online only edition with updated events and more great pictures from our photoshoots. Plus, we’re launching three new items: 1. Our very own theme song called “Still the One”, a new ION App and a new look for our website! People asked me why do I do ION Arizona. First, I love this magazine, my staff, my friends and family. Second, I love this community, our city and state. Third, ION Arizona has become a true time capsule of our community. Just look back at past issues available in our online archive. You’ll see old and new friends. Old and new businesses. It’s almost like a high school yearbook when, you guessed it, you were 18. I want to thank all of you who’ve put up with me, my wonderful staff, our non-profits and the businesses inside every issue. You are all The Incredibles (starring Craig T. Nelson, 2004). We wouldn’t be here without you. Thank you so much for 18 wonderful years. The best Is yet to come!
Jack M. Tesorero 18 Again (I wish)
ROCK BOTTOM
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THE ROCK
XXXmas in July at Dick’s Cabaret It’s beginning to look a lot like XXXmas! Forget the North Pole. Just wait ‘til you see what Santa has hanging underneath his mistletoe in the South Pole, baby. This is the first time you’ll be glad you’ve been naughty, believe us! Get $2 lap dances ‘til 1 p.m. on July 19 & 20 at Dick’s Cabaret, 3432 E. Illini in Phoenix. (See ad on p. 76)
Talent Show Competition at C7 “Sparkle, Neely, Sparkle!” Can you sing? Dance? Tell jokes? Do impressions? Are you a ventriloquist? If you’ve got what it takes you could walk home with a $100 cash prize! Every third Saturday at 12 noon at Cruisin’ 7th, 3702 N. 7th St. in Phoenix. Call 602-212-9888 for more info and reservations.
Pups in the Pool Grab Fido (male human dogs only, please!) and head to the pool! FLEX Spas is having a party your cute pretend canines will love! There’s a dog house, mosh pit, doggy treats and more for well-behaved pooches. The party happens on Sunday, July 21 from 1-6 p.m. at FLEX Spas Phoenix, 1517 S. Black Canyon Hwy in Phoenix. (See ad on p. 83)
award-winning, contemporary setting american classics w/a mediterranian twist burgers, salads, entrees and more
traditional and comfort classics signature cocktails in a pub-style setting best patio and perfect event venue
fezoncentral.com 105 W Portland St
blissrebar.com 901 N 4th St
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Fierce Skate We’re in a Love/Skate relationship. Even the best fall down sometimes, but the ground will always be there to catch you. Join your friends in the rink for Fierce Skate, benefiting the social organization Fierce Friends of Phoenix. Thursday, July 25 at Great Skate Glendale, 10054 N. 43rd Ave. in Glendale. All ages! (See the ad on page 38)
GPGLCC Biz Bowl “Drag me to the bowl!” Grab your balls, kingpins and queenpins, too! Bowling balls, that is. You might get a Brooklyn, a cherry or maybe a Christmas tree. It’s the GPGLCC Biz Bowl! Whether you get strikes or turkeys, it’s all for fun. Saturday, July 27 from 4-9 p.m. at Let It Roll! 8925 N. 12th St. in Phoenix. Register at PhoenixGayChamber.org (See ad on p. 32)
JULY 2019 ION EVENTS DATE 3 3 5, 7, 23 13 13 13 14 18 19 19-20 20 20 21 24 25 27 27 27 27 28
EVENT Foam Party Carnaval Latino Phx Mercury Games Summer Luau Phx Pride Spirit Awards AZ Men of Leather Club Night Plazma 15th Anniversary Employee Turnabout Show Pup Night Merry XXXmas in July Blackout Night Project RED Pups in the Pool Party Gear Night Fierce Skate Dart Tournament White Party 11th Annual GPGLCC Biz Bowl Furr Trade Party Dancing for one.n.ten
LOCATION Charlie’s Karamba Talking Stick Arena Dick’s Cabaret Penske Racing Museum The Anvil Plazma Charlie’s The Anvil Dick’s Cabaret The Anvil FABRIC FLEX Spas The Anvil Great Skate Bunkhouse Karamba Let It Roll Bunkhouse Tempe Ctr. for Arts
CITY Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Scottsdale Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Tempe Phoenix Phoenix Glendale Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Tempe
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Photography by: LeakedGlass Model: Abria Reece Designer: Claire Cohan
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roject RED is Aunt Rita’s Foundation first-ever fashion show featuring local designers, entertainment, and fabulous cocktails at F.A.B.R.I.C. in Tempe. Eva Angelica Stratton will be the evening’s emcee walking the attendees through an account of HIV and AIDS portrayed through a series of fashion time periods from the 80s, 90s, and recent trends.
bring awareness to the history of HIV to the younger generation as we remind everyone our fight is not over; we must continue to work together to end new infections,” Ash said. “We will also celebrate the science behind U=U (undetectable = untransmittable) and the fact that people living with HIV
Local fashion designers Ashish Sazvhand, owner of Ashprin Couture, Claire Cohan, and stylist Lauren Lambert will present their creations on the runway. Local community leaders walking the runway include former Phoenix Mayoral Candidate and Phoenix City Councilman Daniel Valenzuela, one.n.ten Program Manager Dani Logan, Aunt Rita’s Board Director Joseph Segal, along with other community leaders who provide support for Aunt Rita’s mission. The night will have entertainment from the Pride Dance Group. After the event, continue the night at Stacy’s at Melrose for the official Project RED After Party. The event is spearheaded by Felicia Butts and designer Ash Sazvhand “Felicia and I are very excited to work alongside talented individuals in our community to bring you Aunt Rita’s first-ever fashion show to help raise money for the HIV service community. We hope to
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can lead healthy normal lives with treatment.” Sazvhand reached out to stylist Lauren Lambert and Designer Claire Cohan to join the team. Each designer took a different period of HIV/AIDS (80’s,90’s and Future) to showcase the mood of each era through a series of fashion outfits. “The 80’s is when the AIDS crisis began,” Sazvhand explained. “The 90’s is when activist groups like ACT UP politicized the disease, heightening public awareness. The Future of HIV/AIDS is projected with the advancement of technology eliminating AIDS completely from our society. This has become a real possibility. Today people with HIV/AIDS are living happy healthy lives without the fear of societal oppression but there is a lot more that can be achieved,” Sazvhand concluded.
Model: Monasha Kandel Designer: Ashprin
Saturday, July 20
F.A.B.R.I.C.
132 E. 6th St. in Tempe Doors open at 6 p.m. Show begins at 7 p.m. Fashion Standard Time Proceeds from the fashion show will benefit our 13 partner agencies that provide critical services to those living with, or affected by, HIV and AIDS. Official after party at Stacy’s @ Melrose The event is open to all ages. Reserve your seat at ProjectRedAZorg
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Blip of Joy Jonny Pierce and The Drums bring all the feels to Phoenix By: Deon Brown
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ince their first EP in 2009, The Drums have matched the sunny, surfy, reverb reminiscent of SoCal singers of the 60s, Jan & Dean, and The Beach Boys while incorporating a unique undertow as a voice for “disillusionment, depression and hope” for the 21st century. Boyish and buoyant Jonny Pierce, the 37-year-old founding front man is the lead vocalist in addition to playing keyboards, drum programming, drums, guitar, bass guitarist. He grew up in a home where both parents were Pentecostal pastors, and the only music allowed was gospel. He was sent to Gay Conversion Camp as a teenager. Now, out and proud, Jonny unabashedly writes and sings about his feelings. And he has a lot of them. “I’m expressing myself honestly. To write a beautiful, honest, heartfelt song ... that’s always been my goal. Everything else comes after that. You have to have that beautiful three minute moment that’s an escape,” he said in his YouTube video, “What I Love.” Jonny testified to ION Arizona about his place in the world. ION: You describe yourself as a “control maniac.” Jonny Pierce: Y’know, in a way that someone who’s an alcoholic is always an alcoholic? I’m in recovery. (Laughs) I’m always reminding myself that some things I feel that I need control over aren’t really as important as I felt they were that morning. Even making the last record, Brutalism, is a real testament to being able to let go of control. Before that I was really so hands on and elbows out in making music. For the first time, with the help of therapy and the counsel of friends who I love, I decided to bring my elbows in and open my arms. That was really scary, but it helped me. Sometimes when you let go and walk into the wilderness where you’re the most uncomfortable, yeah, there might be some risks, but there can also be a beautiful reward. I’m so proud of that record. It’s a time-stamp for me of a time in my life when I kinda stepped into the unknown. I’m a work in progress when it comes to control; I relapse all the time. I might get territorial again, but I hope I’ve learned my lesson. (Laughs) July 2019 WWW.IONAZ.COM 41
ION: You once said that you’re “always standing in the middle of bliss and depression.” The Drums sound is often upbeat, and happy. How do you marry those different elements? JP: I’ve heard that from fans and friends. There’s a few exceptions. You know, I’ve never set out to do that. I never sat down and said, “Write a really sad song but make it sound happy.” I’ve identified the vibe that comes across with these songs filled with sadness that you can dance to, or make you want to go on road trip with friends. I’m a real big believer in showing yourself in your work. I’m honest about my life. Some chapters of my everyday experience have been strictly sadness; with others happiness kinda takes over. I’m always up and down, and all around. I’m feeling everything and hypersensitive. I don’t understand artists who make their work represent them one way. For me, that’s increasingly a goal of mine: to be honest, transparent and human. Even when it’s difficult and doesn’t feel great. 42
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ION: You’ve seen some shit. Which songs from your new album are most telling about you? JP: (Laughs) Sure have! I have a song called “Loner.” Most of my life until five years ago—and maybe still, if I’m honest with myself—I’ve been in survival mode. I grew up below the poverty line with religious zealots who are still partially antigay and love Donald Trump. I didn’t go to a proper school; I was schooled by my mother. When it was time for me to be an adult I was this stunted kid who wasn’t able to be himself. I learned pretty quick to try to survive. I still feel like my whole life I’ve been surviving, surviving, surviving. That plays into all of that. ION: You said that “I Will Always Love You” is your favorite song. Any plans for a cover? JP: Hmmmm .... No. (Laughs) People ask me all the time to cover other songs. When I was teenager making songs on my analog synthesizer in my bedroom, all of my friends who were in
the church were secretly obsessed with Nirvana and Toad the Wet Sprocket and playing Bush on the guitar. I just couldn’t understand covering songs when there was so much to talk about. Now all of those people are investment bankers or work in a grocery store and I’m here making music and talking about how I’m feeling, talking about the world and my place in it, or if I even have a place in it. My boyfriend asked me last week if I would cover a Toni Braxton song. And, I’m, like, sure, I love that song! It’s our song! But I don’t understand why I would cover that. I still have a lot that I want to say. ION: How does it feel to be a heart throb for a lot of gay boys swooning over you and your music at concerts? JP: I don’t feel like that! I have to be reminded of those things. You know, when I have a boyfriend I don’t see that. (Laughs) Well, maybe I do a little bit! I’m bad with compliments or getting adoration. If a fan walks up to me on the street you’ll see me turn into this shy, little hermit. When I’m on stage it’s one thing as soon as I step off the stage I’m just really, really shy. The amount of hook-ups I’ve had while touring is so minimal, in ten years you could could count them on two hands. I get really, really self-conscious, or I might see someone who’s stunning and interesting, but I’m already in a relationship. For whatever reason I haven’t lived the that sex,
drugs & rock ‘n’ roll game too much. And you know what? I’m just such a lover; I’m not so much a fucker. I love to love and to feel love. Tour life isn’t so conducive to an emotional connection because within hours you’re on to the next city. You don’t get much time to know anyone. I want my life to be meaningful—including sex. ION: What can we look forward to from The Drums in your Phoenix appearance? JP: It’s been a while! We have an amazing band—my favorite incarnation so far. People who believe in empathy, who live with kindness. We believe in recycling, and things like that! (Laughs) I think we’re all really good looking, which is kinda nice, since we’re on the road stuck in a tour bus with the same people. We’re gonna play songs from every album. It’s a pretty well-rounded show. We don’t have time to do any deep cuts, but we’ll do all the hits, all the way through! ION: The Drums were the most Shazamed band of 2009. JP: That’s the greatest compliment you can get. All that means is there’s no advertising. Nobody’s telling you what to write. That means people are sitting in cafes saying, “I like this! What is it?” ION: No, Jonny, the greatest compliment you can get is when I tell you that I love you. JP: (Laughs) Awww! That’s always important! And I love you, too! July 2019 WWW.IONAZ.COM 43
“I’m just such a lover; I’m not so much a fucker. I love to love and to feel love.”
The Drums perform on Thursday, August 1 at The Van Buren, 401 W. Van Buren St. in Phoenix. TheVanBurenPHX.com (info only, ticket link)
TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000. Check out TheDrums.com for more about them and their new album. 44
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Rock Bottom with Benaddiction
Feeling low? Feeling down? Not for long. There’s only one way to go ... and that’s up. Once you’ve hit “Rock Bottom with Benaddiction” you’ve seen it all. Come on down (or up, depending on how you look at it) for an all new drag spectacular, gameshow, contest and the baddest good time you ever had with Benaddiction and a new guest cast every month. It all happens at 10 p.m. on the last Friday of the month at The Rock, 4129 N. 7th Ave. in Phoenix. All Rock Bottoms and Rock Tops welcome. Photo Credit: Scotty Kirby
JULY 2019 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE
TIME
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10:30pm Karamba
LOCATION
SHOW / PERFORMER(S) Gigi’s Fourth of July Show
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10:00pm The Rock
Stevens’ Family Values with Doja
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9:00pm
Late Nite Snax with Benaddiction
The Rock
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10:30pm Karamba
Malibu Barbie Party
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Rock Bottom with Benaddiction
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10:30pm Karamba
Ruby’s Neon Party
Mondays
10:00pm Charlie’s
The Strip Factor - Claudia B, Piper M’Shay & Adriana Galliano
Tuesdays
8:00pm
Charlie’s
Claudia’s Karaoke Cabaret “Sing with the Queen”
Wednesdays 8:30pm
Charlie’s
La Loteria with Susan Martell
Wednesdays 9:30pm
Charlie’s
Wednesdays 10:30pm Karamba
Diamond in Fuego Karamba Girls Show with Mileena Dallas & Fernanda Vargas
Thursdays
10:30pm Karamba
Gigi DeMilo Show
Thursdays
10:00pm Charlie’s
Piping Hot Thursdays with Piper M’Shay
2nd & 4th Fri 10:00pm The Rock
Coco’s Charm School
Fridays
TGIF (Thank Grande Its Friday) with Espressa Grande
10:30pn
Cruisin’ 7th
Friday’s
9:30pm
Charlie’s
Fridays
10:30pm The Rock
The Boys & The Booze With Diamond Dallas & The Sinful Studs Special Event Rotating Drag Shows
Fridays
9:00pm
Plazma
New Times Best Drag Show Freaky Fridays with Celia Putty
Fridays
9:00pm
BS West
Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers
Saturdays
10:30pm Cruisin’ 7th
Lady Christian’s Lady & the Tramps
Saturdays
10:00pm The Rock
The Barbra Seville Show
Saturdays
9:30pm
Charlie’s
Saturday Under the Stars With Claudia B
Sundays
7:00pm
Charlie’s
Pussy LeHoot & Friends
Sundays
10:30pm Charlie’s
Latin Explosion With Adriana Galliano
Sundays
10:30pm Karamba
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Melissa Etheridge
Get old school and jam out with your clam out right along with everyone’s fave lesbian rocker! Melissa can still come through your window, and this time it’s with her tour, “The Medicine Show.” It all happens on Saturday, July 13 at the Chandler Center for the Arts, 250 N. Arizona Ave. Get your tickets at ChandlerCenter.org or call 480-782-2680
Queen & Adam Lambert
Scaramouche! Scaramouche! Can you do the fandango? American Idol legend Adam Lambert teams up with legendary 70s rockers Queen (well, minus Freddie Mercury) for a night at the opera, so to speak. They will rock you on Tuesday, July 16 at Talking Stick Resort Arena 201 E. Jefferson St. in Phoenix. Get your tickets at TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000
The Drums
This happy, perky, synth-pop California band with a dreamy, sandy Beach Boys sound tours promoting their new album, Brutalism. Out-’n’-proud front man, blondie Jonny Pierce is the dreamiest. We want to wear his underwear over our head. Thursday, August 1 at The Van Buren, 401 W. Van Buren St. For more info go to TheVanBurenPHX.com and for tickets visit TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000
JULY 2019 ION CONCERT CALENDAR DATE ARTIST LOCATION 6 Annuel AA Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 9 Shawn Mendes Gila River Arena - Glendale 13 Melissa Etheridge Chandler Ctr. for the Arts 16 Queen & Adam Lambert Talking Stick Arena - Phx 16 21 Savage Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 19 Happy Together Tour Talking Stick Resort - Scotts. 20 Shinedown Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 21 Beck + others Ak-Chin Pavilion - Phoenix 22 The Head & the Heart Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 30 Bowling for Soup Marquee Theatre - Tempe 31 Third Eye Blind/Jimmy Eat World Ak-Chin Pavilion - Phx AUGUST 1 The Drums The Van Buren - Phoenix 3 Rascal Flatts Ak-Chin Pavilion - Phoenix 6 Carly Rae Jepsen The Van Buren - Phoenix
PHONE 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 480-782-2680 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 480-839-0707 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 800-745-3000
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The Addams Family
They’re creepy and their spooky. America’s groovy ghoulies learn that blood is thicker than water. Metaphorically speaking. Through July 6 at Arizona Broadway Theatre, 7701 W. Paradise Ln in Peoria. Tix: AZBroadway.org or 623-776-8400 • July 12-26 at The Herberger Theater, 222 E. Monroe. Tix: 602-254-7399 or HerbergerTheater.org
Daniel Sloss
This hilarious Scotsman claims his Netflix special Jigsaw is responsible for 4000 break ups, 17 canceled engagements, and 9 divorces. Tackling taboo subjects is his forté. Endearing, dark and funny he performs at The Van Buren, 401 W. Van Buren St. in Phoenix on Thursday, July 11. For info go to TheVanBurenPHX. com and tix visit TicketMaster.com or 800-745-3000. Check out DanielSloss.com for more about him.
Book of Mormon
Gimme that old time religion! Two enthusiastic LDS missionaries are gung-ho to bring Joseph Smith’s wild visions of Heavenly Father’s plan to the poor citizens of a remote Ugandan village in this musical. August 6-11 at ASU Gammage, 1200 S. Forest Ave. in Tempe. For tickets visit ASUgammage.com or call 480-965-3434
JULY 2019 ION THEATER +STANDUP DATE EVENT 5-8/17 Chitty Chitty Bang Bang thru 6 The Addams Family 11 Daniel Sloss 12-28 The Addams Family 13 Michael Ian Black 21 Adam Conover 25 & 27 She Kills Monsters 26 & 27 Roald Dahl’s Matilda 26 & 27 Shawn Wayans 26-8/24 Sister Act AUGUST 6-11 Book of Mormon thru 11 Spamilton: a parody
COMPANY Hale Ctr. Theatre AZ B’way Theatre - Peoria The Van Buren - Phoenix AZ B’way Theatre - Herberger StandUp Live - Phoenix Copper Blues - Phoenix AZ Theatre Co. - Tucson AZ Theatre Co. - Tucson Tempe Improv AZ B’way Theatre - Peoria ASU Gammage - Tempe Phoenix Theatre
PHONE 480-497-1181 623-776-8400 800-745-3000 602-252-8497 480-719-6100 cblive.com 520-622-2823 520-622-2823 480-921-9877 623-776-8400 480-965-3434 602-254-2151
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The Mouths That Roared Kathy Griffin: A Hell of a Story
The Lion King Voiced by Beyoncé, Donald Glover, Chewitel Ejiofor, James Earl Jones, Beyoncé, John Oliver, Seth Rogen, Beyoncé, Bill Eichner, Eric Andre, Keegan-Michael Key, Beyoncé, Florence Kasumba, Alfre Woodard and John Kani. Oh. Did we mention Beyoncé? Disney is understandably nervous about this picture after Tim Burton’s dismal retelling of Dumbo and the disappointing reviews of the adorable (but overkilled?) Toy Story 4. But then again, they didn’t have Beyoncé, now, did they? This photorealistic-computer animated reboot of the 1994 feature, which did not star Beyoncé, is poised for success. Because, you know, Beyoncé. Just in case you don’t know this original tale from the savannas of Africa, Simba (J.D. McCrary, and Glover), the son of Mufasa (Jones, reprising his role from the original) and the Prince of the Pride Lands, hopes to follow in his father’s footsteps. Mufasa’s evil brother, Scar (Ejiofor), plots to betray Mufasa, forcing Simba into exile, where he meets Timon (Eichnor) and Pumbaa (eternal movie stoner Rogen). Simba has to make an alliance and rebuild himself fully to take what is rightfully his, including the love of his life, Nala (Beyoncé). This is where the crowds go crazy.
Everyone’s favorite chatterbox (well, that might be a bit of a stretch) Kathy Griffin, was once the darling of, well, just about everybody. She was Anderson Cooper’s best fag hag, spending every New Year’s Eve broadcasting from Times Square with him on CNN. Until ... that picture. Griffin was photographed holding the severed head of POTUS Donald Trump. (Well, it wasn’t really his head.) Nonetheless, Griffin was blacklisted and her career vanished. Even Anderson de-friended her. Griffin produced this 80 minute “docu-comedy” featuring the best of her 2018 “Off With Your Heads” comedy tour, with about five minutes of backstory presenting a brilliant case about First Amendment rights. Even the blabbermouth’s most vitriolic critics admit the film is Griffin at her hilarious best. An audience favorite at the 2019 SXSW Film Festival. Opens Wednesday, July 31
Opens Friday, July 19 July 2019 WWW.IONAZ.COM 55
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Aural Fixation
by Peter Lora PeterWasTheWolf@Gmail.com
Miley Cyrus She is Coming
Miley’s made a career out of assuming personas. With the first EP of a trilogy, this album sees Miley pointing her pre-Return of Saturn energy to a seamless reconciliation of previous alter egos. With only six songs, Cyrus finesses her approach to hiphop with “D.R.E.A.M.” and “Party Up The Street,” and digitizes country with the ballad “The Most.” Her ball culture tinged duet with RuPaul comes off as a trite b-side for both whereas “Mother’s Daughter” is an unapologetic feminist banger. Available Now
Mark Ronson Late Night Feelings
Fresh from his awardwinning year alongside Lady Gaga, the co-conspirator behind A Star is Born’s “Shallow” is back. 2015’s Uptown Special was an all-out sausage fest, but now he’s dumped the funk with ladies in the lead of all 13 tracks. He takes on the 80’s with Camila Cabello collaboration “Find U Again” and “Pieces of Us” with King Princes. Miley Cyrus is at her best on the a must-listen “Jolene” facsimile “Nothing Breaks Like a Heart.” Ronson saves the best for Lykke Li with the Bee Gee-esque title track and Karen Carpenter-style ballad “2 AM’.” Available Now
Madonna Madame X
There’s a case to be made for classifying Madonna as an underdog in 2019. Where her ideas once inspired awe or at least controversy, it seems her days of groundbreaking and hit-making are behind her. Madame X is a convoluted collection of nonsensical and self-indulgent Latin flavored pop tunes and trap infused ballads. Madonna’s sonic and visual influence may be over, but what’s important is her persistence that women don’t get put away after a certain age is revolutionary. Available Now
ROSALIA
THE DL SONGS TO DOWNLOAD ARTIST - SONG ROSALIA – “Aute Cuture” Avalon Lurks – “Papi Chulo” Ashley O – “I’m on a Roll” Caroline Polachek – “Door” Jai Paul – “He” Daphni – “Just” Metronomy – “Salted Caramel Ice Cream” Holy Ghost! – “Nicky Buckingham” Major Lazer – “Make it Hot” feat. Anitta Taylor Swift – “You Need to Calm Down” July 2019 WWW.IONAZ.COM 57
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Memory Lane W
ith queer movies being cranked out nowadays like sausages it’s important to remember that there was a time when there wasn’t a place for LGBTQ film. We focus on two vintage movies who approach the subject in different ways.
Can’t Stop the Music Starring: Valerie Perrine, Steve Guttenberg, The Village People, Bruce Jenner before he was Caitlyn Who doesn’t love good musical? Flamboyant producer Alan Carr (Grease, Grease II) brought this lavish, blockbuster film to the silver screen in 1980. Originally titled, Discoland ... Where the Music Never Ends, the goofy plot involves Jack (Guttenberg, whose nickname in Hollywood is “Good’n’Plenty” ... wanna guess why? Check him out in shorts.) who’s looking for a record deal. His supermodel roommate Samantha (Perrine) helps, recruiting a singing/dancing American Indian, construction worker, cop, leather queen, soldier and a cowboy. Voilà! The Village People! Long before Caitlyn, you’ll see hunky, 30-year-old drool-worthy Olympian Bruce Jenner in his big screen debut. However, even the giant, splashy, super gay MGM-worthy musical numbers
(“YMCA”) couldn’t save this laughable turkey. On the bright side, Time has preserved this hilarious, awful, fabulous, super gay extravaganza of disco’s last gasp on film. Now on Blu-ray with extras, including commentary by comedy writer Bruce Vilanch and an interview with Randy Jones (the “Cowboy.”) Available June 11 at ShoutFactory. com for $29.99
Too Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar Starring: Patrick Dempsey, Wesley Snipes, John Leguizamo, Stockard Channing This predictable bit of 1995 fluff tells the tale of drag queens Noxeema Jackson (Snipes), Vida Boheme (Swayze) and Chi-Chi Rodriguez (Leguizamo) who embark on a cross-country road trip to compete in a pageant. Surprise! The car breaks down in a small town, suspiciously like the 1994 Aussie hit, The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. Here, the “girls” (how on Earth nobody can see through the bad drag is beyond me) fix broken hearts and broken nails. Now on Blu-ray, it’s hard not to like this sweet, fruity fairytale in farm country. Available now at ShoutFactory.com for $24.99 July 2019 WWW.IONAZ.COM 61
Time to Tango! Get ready for the annual “Dancing for one•n•ten.” This crowd-pleasing spectacle gives the best and brightest a chance to jitterbug live, on-stage, in a dazzling competition of talent and skill, determining who can out-foxtrot, grandstand or do a little showboating for a chance to win the audience’s heart. Well, and a really nice trophy, too. Best of all, they’re fundraising for one•n•ten, our local agency benefiting LGBTQ youth across the Valley. Nine sensational competitors sponsored by bars, restaurants, and businesses team up with a professional dancer to boogie-woogie their way into your hearts. The competition includes a People’s Choice and a Judge’s Award. The dancer with the highest points will be designated the Grand Champion Award. Meet the sparkling dancing teams who dedicated their time, energy and talent they’ll be sharing on the dance floor Sunday, July 28 at Tempe Center for the Arts Theater, 700 W. Rio Salado Pkwy. For tickets go to OneNTen. org or TCAticketforce.com 62
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Stacy’s @ Melrose Karaoke (W)
Tempe Center for the Arts Dancing for One.n.Ten
OZ Bar Pocker (W)
Charlie’s Karaoke (W)
Charlie’s Karaoke (W)
The Womack Bingo No She Didnt
30
Bar 1 Karaoke (W)
Bliss/ Rebar Taco Tuesday Trivia (W)
23
16
Charlie’s Loteria Night (W)
Cruisin 7th Cruisin Play Mates (W)
26
19
Let It Roll Biz Bowl
Cruisin 7th TGIF (W)
Cruisin 7th In the Spot Light
F.A.B.R.I.C Project Red
Bunk House Furr Trade
27
20
The Rock Barbra Seville Show (W)
The Anvil Club Night
The Rock Rock Bottom
Cruisin 7th TGIF (W)
Plazma Freaky Friday (W)
Plazma Freaky Friday (W)
Cruisin 7th TGIF (W)
The Anvil Red Hanky Party The Rock Barbra Seville Show (W)
13
6
SATURDAY
JULY 2019
Charlie’s Pipin’ Hot Thursdays (W)
Plazma 15 Year Anniversary
31
Great Skate Fierce Skate
Dick’s Cabaret WTF Wednesday (W)
25
BS West Underwear Nite (W)
Dick’s Cabaret WTF Wednesday (W)
24
Charlie’s Employee Turnabout Show
18
The Rock Stevens’ Family Values
OZ Bar Bingo (W)
Phoenix Mercury Team Hoops & Heros Night
Charlie’s Water Slide Event
12
Roosevelt Row First Fridays (M)
5
FRIDAY
BS West Underwear Nite (W)
11
4
THURSDAY
Cruisin 7th Cruisin Play Mates (W)
17
I N PARTY CAM EVENTS • (W) WEEKLY EVENT
Charlie’s Undie Monday (W)
Karamba Rub’s Neon Party
29
Cruisin’ 7th Tia’s Teasers (W)
Flex Spa’s Pups in the Pool
28
Stacy’s @ Melrose Karaoke (W)
Stacy’s @ Melrose Flesh (W)
22
BS West Industry Night (W)
Charlie’s Banana Hammock Sundays (W)
21
FEZ $5 Big Margaritas (W)
The Rock Late Nite Snax
15
Film Bar Miss Congeniality
Bar 1 Karaoke (W)
Cruisin’ 7th Tia’s Teasers (W)
Charlie’s Banana Hammock Sundays (W)
14
Charlie’s Loteria Night (W)
10
Karamba Carnaval Latino
Charlie’s Foam Party
Bliss/ Rebar Taco Tuesday Trivia (W)
9
Bar 1 Karaoke (W)
OZ Bar Pocker (W)
3
WEDNESDAY
Phoenix Mercury Team Atlanta Dream
8
BS West Industry Night (W)
Charlie’s Undie Monday (W)
2
TUESDAY
Stacy’s @ Melrose Karaoke (W)
7
SUNDAY
1
MONDAY
hydrat
DRINK & EVENT GUIDE
PHOENIX FRIDAY SATURDAY
SUNDAY
Anvil
DIRTY DADDY DANCERS 10pm HH $3 well/dom $2.50 pint 1-8pm
WILD MEN of the WEST 7:30pm HH $3 well/dom $2.50 pint 1-8pm
BEER BUST $3 Pitchers All Day HH $3 well/dom $2.50 pint 1-8pm
Bar 1
HH 10am-7pm
$2.75 Domestic Bottles 7pm-9pm
$1.50 Bud Light Drafts $2.75 Canned Beers ALL DAY
HH $2 OFF Well/Beer/ Select Apps/Wine/Prem.Spirits
Brunch Specials 10a-3p $12 Bubbly $6 Bloodys/Sangria
$12 Bubbly, $6 Bloodys 10a-3p 1/2 OFF Cock. 2-7pm KARAOKE 9p
Elements Show 10:30pm $5 Tito’s Handmade Vodka All Night
Buy 1 get 1 for $1. Go-Go Dancers, Extended Patios VIP
Sunday Funday KARAOKE 10p $2 doms - $3 Marys & Mimosas
2-4-1 8am-2pm HH 2pm-8pm $2.50 Miller Products 8pm-cl
2-4-1 8am-2pm HH 2pm-8pm $2.50 Bud Products 8pm-cl
FryBread w/ Joe Jackson 12p-9p JAZZ w/ Kenny Thames 7:30pm
$3 Pitch/2-4-1 Well-Dom 2-7pm $1 Draft 7pm-9pm $5 Crown 9-12a
$3 Pitch/2-4-1 Well/Dom 2-7pm $1 Well 7-9pm $3 D. Eddy 10-12a
Super Happy Hour 4-7pm $3.50 Pitch, Lg Isld, AMF’s Open-Cl
HH $2.75 Well/Dom 6am-8pm Espressa Grande 10:30pm
Dirty Daddy Dancers 4:30pm Lady Christian 10:30pm
HH $2.75 Well/Dom 6am-4pm TS Dancers 10:30pm
2-4-1 VIP & 50% off Cover 7-10pm
Off the Hook Tons of Prizes & Giveaways
2-4-1 Cover, Wristbands & VIP Dances
HH 3:30-6:30pm & 11pm-Close $2 OFF Apps / Well / Wine / Beer
$5 & $6 Big Brunch Drinks 10a-3p HH 3:30-6:30p & 11p-close
$5 & $6 Big Brunch Drinks 10a-3p HH 3:30-6:30p & 11p-close
Happy Hour Drink Specials 10:30am -6pm
Happy Hour Drink Specials 10am-6pm
Vaquero Fridays 9-11pm Reverse Happy Hour $3 Drinks
Top 40 Saturdays 9-11pm Reverse Happy Hour $3 Drinks
Top 40 Sundays Ruby Show $3 Pitchers Beer Bust
$3 Well & Dom Until 8pm $4 3 Olives & $3 Fireball Shots
HH $3 Well/Dom Btl/Drft 12/8pm All Male Revue 10pm
Football Sunday 7p $3.50 Dom Pitch, Mimosas & Bloody Marys
HH 2-4-1 Well & Dom 2-8pm KARAOKE 9pm Drag Show 10p
2-4-1 11a-7p KARAOKE 9p Barbra Seville Show10p
HH 2-4-1 Well & Dom. 11am-cl Drag Show 10p
HH 4-8pm $2.50 Rolling Rock $4.50 Pinnacle Flavors 8pm-Cl
HH 4-8pm $2.50 Rolling Rock $4.50 Firball 8pm-Cl
$2 Rolling Rock & Well open -7pm 7-10pm $2.50 Wells & Rolling Rock
Bliss/ReBar
BS West Bunkhouse Charlie’s Cruisin’ 7th
Dick’s Cabaret FEZ Hula’s
Karamba Plazma The Rock Stacy’s
W
TUCSON FRIDAY SATURDAY Hotel Congress
IBTS
Live Music on the Patio Tom Walbank 7p DJ Dirtyverbs 10p
Free Dance Party 10pm DJs Sid the Kid, BOBFelix & More!
Flawless Fridays with China Collins
Saturday Night Starrletts with Janee Starr
Br
Br
SUNDAY Br
Hot Club of Tucson 10:30pm Club KARAOKE 10pm 2-4-1 9p-Close KARAOKE
MONDAY
TUESDAY
Beards, boxers & Briefs $1 OFF HH $3 well/dom $2.50 pint 1-8pm
$2 Miller High Life & well vodka cocktails 8pm-close
2-4-1 WELL 8pm-close HH $3 well/dom $2.50 pint 1-8pm
KARAOKE 9pm HH $3 well/dom $2.50 pint 1-8pm
$1.25 Bud Light Drafts, $5.25 Martinis 7pm- Close
KARAOKE 9pm $3 well, dom bottle & drft
$6 Huge Long Islands
2-4-1 U-Call-It 10am-2am (except shots & pitchers) $4 Bellinis
HH ALL DAY $2 OFF Well/Beer/ Select Apps/Wine/Prem.Spirits
$3 OFF Taco Platters $6 Big Margaritas
20% OFF ENTIRE BILL (excludes discounted items)
$20 Any wine bottle $15 Any wine bottle w/ food purchase
HH Drink Specials
College Night 2 for $1 Go-Go Dancers - VIP
Thirst Trap w/ Men of BS $4 Heineken / $6 Absolut & Jager
2-4-1 8am-2pm HH 2pm-8pm Pool Tournament 9pm
2-4-1 8am-2pm HH 2pm-8pm Dart League 7:30pm
2-4-1 8am-2pm HH 2pm-8pm KARAOKE 9pm $3.75 L.I.
2-4-1 8am-2pm HH 2pm-8pm Undies/Leather night $1 Off
Underwear Party 8pm-Cl 50% off w/ your Pants Off $3 Jack
2-4-1 Open to Close KARAOKE 9:30pm
$5 Ketel One/Malibu $3.50 Dom Pitch $3 1800 Tequila 8pm-Close
2-4-1 All Cocktails & Beer Open-Close
HH $2.75 Well/Dom 6am-8pm TS Dancers 10:30pm
HH $2.75 Well/Dom 6am-8pm
Wasted Wednedays HH $2.75 Well/Dom ALL DAY
HH $2.75 Well/Dom 6am-8pm Wild Men of the West 10:30pm
Amateur Night Starts at 10pm
WTF Wednedays $5 Cover and almost everything else!
Thirsty Thursday $5 off Cover w/ ION AZ Ad
$5.55 BIG Margaritas ALL DAY HH 3:30-6:30p & 11p-close
$5.55 Classic Martinis ALL DAY HH 3:30-6:30p & 11p-close
$2 OFF Glasses of wine 50% OFF Bottles of wine
$5.55 BIG Signature Cocktails G Spot / O Spot / B Spot/ A Spot
Mysterdy Mondays $5 Mystery Cocktail/Shot
2 N’ 2 2 apps & 2 cocktails $25
All Night Happy Hour Regular Happy Hour all Night
Facebook/Twitter Special Text “Hulas” to 90210 after 6pm
Cumbia Night $3 Pitchers Karamba Girls Show
Urban Thursdays Aubrey Show $3 Pitcher $3 Drinks
1/2 Priced Well and Beer
KARAOKE 9pm $3 Drinks / $3 Pitchers
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
HH 2-4-1 4-8pm $2 Well & $3 Domestic
HH 2-4-1 4-8pm $2 Well & $3 Domestic 9pm-Close
2-4-1 4-8pm Sinful Studs 9pm-Mid
HH 2-4-1 ALL DAY Beautiful Losers Comedy SHow
HH 2-4-1 Well & Dom 2-8pm KARAOKE 9pm
HH 2-4-1 Well & Dom 2-8pm
HH 2-4-1 Well & Dom 2-8pm Underwear Night
HH 2-4-1 Well & Dom 2-8pm Drag Show 10p
KARAOKE 9pm-Close HH All Day & $2.50 Rolling Rock
HH All Day $5 Martinis All Day & $3 Rolling Rock
2-4-1 4pm-Midnight Happy Hours Midnight- Close
HH ALL DAY Thursdays Only 2-4-1 from All Other Bars
MONDAY
TUESDAY
90s House Party 10pm w/ DJ Sid the Kid 90¢ PBR Br
3-4-1 Well Drinks 8p-Close KARAOKE
Geeks Who Drink Trivia Night 8pm
Br
Tequila & Mexican Beer ALL DAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
Live Music
Salvador Duran 7pm OPTI CLUB Dance Party 10pm
Viva La Diva Show with Diva
2-4-1 All Day Go Go Boys 11pm
Br
Br
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PHOENIX Address
Phone
1. Anvil
2424 E. Thomas Rd.
(602) 334-1462
2. Bar 1
3702 N. 16th St.
(602) 266-9001
3. Bliss/ReBar
901 N. 4th St.
(602) 795-1792
4. Boycott Bar
4301 N 7th Ave.
(602) 515-3667
5. BS West
7125 E. 5th Ave., Scottsdale
(480) 945-9028
6. Bunkhouse
4428 N 7th Ave.
(602) 200-9154
7. Caravan Taphouse
4835 N 15th Ave
(602) 274-7756
8. The Cash
1730 E McDowell Rd.
9. Charlie’s
727 W. Camelback Rd.
(602) 265-0224
10. Cruisn’ 7th
3702 N. 7th St.
(602) 212-9888
11. Dick’s Cabaret
3432 E. Illini Rd.
(602) 274-DICK
12. FEZ
105 W. Portland St
(602) 287-8700
13. Flex Spas Phoenix
1517 S. Black Canyon Hwy.
(602) 271-9011
14. Hula’s Modern Tiki
4700 N Central Ave # 122
(602) 265-8454
15. Karamba
1724 E. McDowell Rd.
(602) 254-0231
16. Kobalt
3110 N Central Ave. Park Central (602) 264-5307
17. Los Diablos
1028 E Indian School Rd.
18. NuTowne Saloon
5002 E Van Buren St.
(602) 253-0689
x
(602) 795-7881 (602) 267-9959
19. OZ Bar
1804 W. Bethany Home Rd.
20. Plazma
1560 E Osborn Rd.
x
21. The Rock
4129 N. 7th Ave.
22. Stacy’s @ Melrose
4343 N 7th Ave.
24. IBTs
(602) 266-0477
x
(602) 248-8559
TUCSON Address 23. Hotel Congress
(602) 242-5114
(602) 264-1700 Phone
x
311 E Congress St., Tucson
(520) 622-8848
x
616 N 4th Ave, Tucson
(520) 882-3053 July 2019 WWW.IONAZ.COM 77
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WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2019
Dear Miss Tiger,
Y
OU ARE WHAT YOU EAT
This month’s Favorite Bitch® is serving Fierce Reads With A Twist Of Culinary Realness … Hey Miss Tiger, Totally need your advice, gurl! Not gonna lie: I’m a size queen. I’m hooking up with a dude only because he’s packing 10 inches. Problem is that he’s overweight. His anaconda is giving me life—but not so much his body. Help! — Jermaine Dear Like My Aunt Edna Always Says About Her Famous Southern Style Short Ribs: “You Gotta Deal With The Fat To Get To The Meat!” And on that note … bon appétit, bitch! Dear Miss Tiger, Life was fabulous with my sugar daddy ... until he lost his fabulous job. My allowance stopped and so did the gifts. Our relationship was always about my body in exchange for his wallet. Is it cool that I’m thinking about breaking up with him?
I grabbed my boyfriend’s phone so I could take a look at the deals on the McDonald’s app. I had no idea he had downloaded Grindr. I found out he’s been bottoming for the whole damn neighborhood! Should I tell him he’s busted??? — Carter Dear You Went Looking For A Big Mac And Found Out That The Special Sauce Ain’t So Secret After All, If you’re okay with everyone dippin’ their french fries in your man’s ketchup then I guess it’s okay if his legs are spread wider than Mickey D’s Golden Arches! Hi Favorite Bitch, I’ve been getting fisted for years and you would’t believe the things I can take! My new boyfriend acts like he’s okay with it, me but I don’t believe him. Any advice on how to work through this? — Damon Dear Topping You Is Like Topping A Skillet Of Sloppy Joe Meat, Why are you asking for advice? You don’t need advice. And you don’t need a boyfriend. What you need is a traffic cone!
— Adam
The Miss Tiger Show
Dear You’ll Break Up Quicker Than A Cracker Dunked In My Bubbe’s Matzo Ball Soup,
Every Tuesday at 6 p.m. MST
Darling, your mentality is pedestrian; do like any good ‘ho would do … walk your ass to the sidewalk and get a new trick.
Live on MissTiger.com Advice Columnist • Radio Personality ... and everyone’s #FAVORITEBITCH Website: MissTiger.com Instagram/Twitter: @MissTiger Advice: Tiger@MissTiger.com July 2019 WWW.IONAZ.COM 79
by Addison DeWitt
T
A
he public cries out for more! Who am I to deny you? It’s another exciting peek at “Keeping Up with the Davenports!” Those handsome rascals! You never know where the oh-so-lickable Christopher and Clayton (A) will turn up next! (In this case they were salivating all over each other at Kobalt. Lucky them!) You know who I’ve been thinking about lately? Victor Avila. (B) He’s everywhere, but you know what? He’s never been in my column. Victor, honey, this is for you. In other news, AARP members took a trip down Memory Lane to recall the long gone cabaret bar on 7th Street, Winks, who shuttered their doors 15 years ago when I was just a young boy with a dream. Sure, it was a little difficult for
C
E
G
some of the old timers to remember that far back. (Especially the ones who spent their time there hoovering up mountains of blow in the men’s room. Oh, c’mon! Like that’s even a secret anymore! And it wasn’t back then, B either! Besides, the statute of limitations is up if you wanna sue me about that nugget o’ news.) Veteran emcee of the fabled, teeny boîte Clayton McKee reminisced with the wonderful Devina Ross about the Good Ol’ Days (C). Julie Craig (D) got all “Madonnafied” acting, “Like a Virgin” (well ... that’s a stretch) while Diane Daniels (E) got old school D (and I’m talking “Little House on the Prairie” old school. That’s old.), giving a tribute to Tish Tanner as she performed the nutty “Salvation Army Song.” Meanwhile, that blondacious Sioux City sweetheart Ryan Paulsen F was hiding behind a pair of au très chic Gucci sunglasses with the head of sweet little Cozi Phifer
was it about Caravan’s juicy, hot go-go boy, (M) known on Instagram and Twitter as “Jockfap”? (I’d love to see his OnlyFans page if someone wants to buy me a present.) Here he I is wearing an ohso-skimpy fabrication made by couturier to the stars, (and go-go boys) VeraSaucy.com.
H tucked in his arm. (F) Where’s the rest of her!? And this ... this is Victor. Just being Victor. (G)
Congratulations! To whom? Victor! He’ll will be working with Mike Fornelli at Phoenix Pride. Reunited! (N)
J
Strike! Lovebirds Jimmy Thomason and Jesús Martínez took the bowling alley by storm with their big, sparkly, beautiful balls! (H) The fab Savannah Stevens was there, too, rackin’ ‘em up in his boy civvies. He sure knows how to address L a ball ... and a ballgown. (I)
K
You know what I love? Besides Absolut™ Vodka? That sexy bottle model, Alexander Peña, who can show me how to put the “screw” in “screwdriver” anytime. (O) Meanwhile, Phoenix was a ghost town when everyone hightailed it to New York City for World Pride. And you know who was there? Victor, that’s who! (P) And he even wore a rainbow headband!
Here’s a candid of Victor at Splash Bash. (J) Speaking of Splash Bash, zany Rafael Santana (K) spilling all the hot tea. Was it about porn producer / DJ Chi Chi LaRue and Kiki Andrews? (L) Or
M
N
Can you beat that?
O
P
J
uly 16 The close approach of our Moon with Saturn and Pluto will give you more power. Make your dreams come true, but it’s going to take hard work and a sensible, realistic approach. Like, you’ll have to act like a grown up. We’ll all have to work at overcoming emotional challenges, but you jerks out there are gonna have to work extra hard. Mercury goes into full retrograde from July 8 through August 1. So even if you are a jackass you can use this time correct some mistakes and correct communication errors. ARIES Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 Don’t blurt out the wrong thing at the wrong time. We all do it. But you need to watch it more. This is a good time to apologize. And you’ve got a lot of apologizing to do. TAURUS April. 21 - May 20 There’s a high likelihood that you have breakthrough you’ve been seeking. It might be emotional, or maybe psychological. When it happens you’ll go, “Whoa! Dude!” GEMINI May 21 - June 21 You’ve been debating pretty much everything for a while. Speak your truth and lay your cards on the table. A risk on July 9 or 10 is worth taking. (Or is it?) Only you will know. (Or will you?) CANCER June 22 - July 22 Balance your expectations of others, but make sure to maintain your own identity. You gotta be you. Birthday Crabs will claw their way to the top because it’s party time, bitches! You deserve a present. Or two. LEO July 23 - Aug. 22 You’ve been a spiritual backslider lately, but divine intervention will help shore up any problems. Birthday kitties surround themselves with talented folks and unload the dead weight. A trip is on the horizon! 82
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VIRGO Aug. 23 - Sep. 22 Look forward to making changes in your day to day life. This entails some extra work, which you hate. Good news! Others will help out, but you owe them something in return. And, no, not a handie-j. LIBRA Sep. 23 - Oct. 22 Look for strong gains at work. It sounds boring, but you’ll also be spiritually satisfied. Mercury makes someone in your family all bitchy. Keep your cool. Oh. Your liver is trying to tell you something. SCORPIO Oct. 23 - Nov.23 You’re feeling uninhibited. This means we might find you nude in a public place. Your impulsive nature is so alluring, but respect limitations. We don’t want to see you arrested. We love how open-minded you are! Dirty birdy! SAGITTARIUS Nov. 23 - Dec. 23 Don’t let Saturn guilt trip you into doing something you don’t want to do. Saturn ain’t yo’ Mama! Put your personal passions out in the open. Everyone hits your “Like” button. CAPRICORN Dec. 23 - Jan. 20 Expect some changes coming your way. Exciting new beginnings and emotional endings happen all month long. Mercury retrograde puts you in the spotlight. Start rehearsing now for your solo. AQUARIUS Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 The potential for getting in arguments is big, thanks to Mercury and Mars. Don’t lose your temper if you can help it. But there’s on spectacular tantrum we can’t wait to witness! Just say it’s a form of self-expression. PISCES Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 It’s time for you to show the world how sassy and bold you really are. (Not that you usually hide it.) Your strength of character helps out in a sticky situation. That and a clean towel.