ION Arizona #158 by ION Arizona

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white party

KARAMBA

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3819 North 3rd Street Suite 26, Phoenix, AZ 85012 (602) 308-4662 â&#x20AC;˘ Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com ionarizona@me.com Publisher / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero ............................................ jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ..................................................... kbushaw@me.com Editor Deon Brown ................................................... ionazeditor@me.com COPY EDITOR .......................................................... Austin Head GRAPHIC DESIGNER ......................................... Angel Jimenez SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR ..................... Stacey Jay Cavaliere PRODUCTION & Artwork SUBMISSIONS

ionazproduction@me.com Advertising Sales Jack Tesorero, .......................................................... (602) 750-1164

jacktesorero@me.com

Danny Catt, Regional Sales Director ......................... (520) 429-5905

ionazsales@me.com

Photographers:

Fernando Hernandez Danny Catt Sean Kapera

Paul Tibbles Scotty Kirby Franklin Diaz

National Advertising Representative Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 ContributORS:

Stacey Jay Cavaliere Addison DeWitt C. Edwards Ted Kirby

Peter Lora Albert Rivas Paul Sanchez Miss Tiger

Published monthly by

1995-2014: 19 Years of Design and Creative Excellence ÂŠ 2014 JMT Designs, Inc.

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee. NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

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Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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Introducing the First LGBT Auto Show When I was a teenager I didn’t have posters of sexy women in my bedroom. I had car posters and automobile magazine ads all over my walls. When I went to the International Auto Show in Detroit every year in the dead of winter, I was in love. Not with the sexy women showing off all the new cars but the sexy cars behind them. After staging over 15 Splash Bashes through the years, we were looking to create a new event. A huge, community event in the dead of summer. A couple months ago, my partner said, “We should create the first LGBT auto show!” About a second later, I said, “Absolutely!” We were off to the races! We call it, “Ignition Phoenix.” Since then, we have chosen the only place that could house such a big event: The Arizona State Fair Veterans Memorial Coliseum. We gathered a great group of sponsors and partners that will bring a variety of cars from classic, unique, exotic, 4x4 and motor scooters, too. We’ll also have a full bar, food, DJ, raffles, awards, poker tournament, a vapor lounge and more. It all happens Saturday, August 30. 14

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The best part is that 100% of the admission donations and raffles goes to the QU Scholarship Fund and the new Phoenix Pride LGBT Center. Check out IONAZ.com and Facebook for updates throughout the month for more information. We’re always looking for more sponsors and cars to show off at “Ignition Phoenix. Call me at 692-7501164 or email me at jacktesorero@ me.com today! If you ever looked for true (or even temporary) love online and were tricked when what you saw was not what you got, you were “catfished.” This happens to straight and LGBT people alike. This topic is a hit show on MTV called, “Catfish: the TV Show.” Investigative host and “catfishing” expert Nev Schulman spoke to ION Arizona about this fishy phenomenon and his new book, In Real Life. Enjoy this issue with all the hot rods— and hot bods, too. We’ll see you at the Coliseum at the end of the month!

Jack Tesorero Publisher

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t s u L

me $5 SHOWTINIS i T w o Sh

THURSDAYS

10PM SHOWTIME

@TheBAR

DIZZIE RAMSEY

PRESENTS

URBAN

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Featuring Ian Christiansen & Barbra Seville PHX’s Best Drag & Theatre Cabaret

UNTIL MIDNITE

TOP 40 MIXX

GOGOS, MUSIC PA S T 2 A M

$5 First Drink U-Call-It

URBAN HIP HOP @ G E T D I Z Z I E O N S AT

2 – 4 – 1 ALL DAY Open @ 3PM, Bar Games Ping Pong l Water Pong lGiant Jenga Cornhole l Left Right Center l Darts

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S AT U R DAY S

SUNDAYS

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FRIDAYS

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NEVER A COVER l EVERYONE WELCOME TALL DRINKS ALWAYS August 2014 www.IONAZ.com 17

COMMANDO PARTY

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THE BAR ON CENTRAL

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GRAND OPENING

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ANVIL

PHOENIX

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HELL FREEZES OVER

CHARLIE’S

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The New icepics icepics is red hot! New ownership, a remodel and more fun than ever before! Happy Hour every day, Sunday & Monday night football, and the sexiest gogo boyz in town, including ION coverman “Digs.” Don’t miss Fanfuckintastic Fridays with Kiki Andrews dishing out more fun than you can handle! 3108 E. McDowell Rd. 602-267-8707 icepicsvideobar.com (See ad. p. 15)

IBT’s Café Lookin’ for a casual bite to eat? Don’t miss out on the full menu (in addition to the great drinks!) coming August 6 at IBT’s in Tucson! There’s sure to be something to tempt your tastebuds. Check the IBT’s Facebook page for updates. And don’t forget Janée Starr’s “Saturday Night Starrletts” at 9 p.m. 616 N. 4th Ave. Tucson. 520-8823053 IBTsTucson.com

Dirty Daddy Bus Tour 2 Road trip! Join the sexy Wild Men of the West for their second testosterone-packed bus tour down to the Old Pueblo. Cost is only $100 for transportation from Phoenix to IBT’s, drinks and snacks along the way, a meal in Tucson plus those feral Wild Men of the West! Tix available at Anvil, Tan United, Off Chute Too or contact Emilio at WMWproductions@yahoo.com or call 903-243WILD. Rawr! (See ad p. 9)

Carnaval Latino Karamba ¡Ay, papi! It’s time for the Carnaval Latino! If you like underwear—or men without any underwear at all—you’ll love this fiesta! Andrew Christian underwear model (and sometimes XXX star) Topher DiMaggio (who just might have some free man-panties to give away, we bet!) After Hours ‘til 4 a.m. at Karamba Nightclub, 1724 E. McDowell Rd. Phoenix. 602-254-0231 KarambaNightclub.com

Ignition Phoenix Break out the Armor All and the Turtle Wax! It’s the first annual Ignition Phoenix LGBT Auto Show! The best in classic, vintage and collectible cars from the Lambda Car Club and others with entertainment, food, a DJ and more. Pre-party Friday night at icepics, the event is on Saturday, August 30 at the Veterans Memorial Coliseum at the Arizona State Fairgrounds, McDowell Rd. and 19th Ave. in Phoenix. 12 noon-7 p.m. After party Saturday night at Stacy’s in Phoenix. (Ads on p. 4-5)

Cosmic White-Out Bowling Don’t pack up your summer whites just yet! It’s time for a glow in the dark Cosmic White Out benefiting Mulligan’s Manor, a LGBTQA non-profit community home for youths. Join in the fun on Saturday, September 6 at 7 p.m. at Let It Roll Bowl, 8925 N. 12th St. Phoenix. Register by August 15. Call Sue at 602-588-7836. Costumes! Prizes! Raffles! Fun! (See ad p. 46)

AUGUST 2014 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE

Sun Mon Tues Thurs Fri Fri Sat 2 9 10 15 15-16 16 16 22 22 23 23 29-Sept 1 30 31 31 September 5-7 6

EVENT

LOCATION

CITY

Sunday Funday Lip Service Monday Twerk Tuesdays Junk Thursdays Fanfuckintastic Fridays Friday Night with Jordon So Fly Saturdays Jello Wrestling Justin Timberlake Party Pimpinela Party & Giveaway La Sonora Karisma Black Out Bash! Roscoe’s Crush Bingo Imperial Ct. Solid Gold Party Larry Hernandez Party & Giveaway Red Light Night Party Gong Karaoke Marc Anthony Party & Giveaway Beach Party Weekend Marc Anthony After Party Labor Day Carnaval Latino Party Labor Day Pool Party

Plazma icepics icepics icepics icepics Plazma icepics Charlie’s Karamba Karamba Karamba’s Dick’s Cabaret Roscoe’s NuTowne Karamba The Rock Roscoe’s Karamba’s Charlie’s Karamba’s Karamba’s FLEX Spa

Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix

18th Anniversary NFL Weekend Mulligan’s Manor Cosmic Bowling

Roscoe’s Let It Roll Bowl

Phoenix Phoenix p 44

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Plenty of

Catfish in the Sea

Nev Schulman from MTV’s “Catfish: The TV Show”

by Deon Brown 34

talks about the ‘Reel World’ of Internet Love

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aniv Schulman fell in love with “Megan,” a pretty, young girl he met online. Something fishy was going on and he fell for it hook, line and sinker. When he met her, she was middle-aged, married and not who she said she was. It was bait and switch. In 2010 he produced a documentary all about the experience, calling it “Catfish.” Why? A sage explained it to Nev like this: They used to tank cod from Alaska all the way to China, keeping them in vats. By the time the cod reached China, the flesh was mush and tasteless. Putting catfish in tanks kept the cod agile. He added, “There are those people who are catfish in life. They keep you on your toes. They keep you guessing, they keep you thinking, they keep you fresh. And I thank God for the catfish because we would be boring and dull if we didn’t have somebody nipping at our fins.” Now part of pop cultural history, even the venerable Merriam-Webster recently included an alternate definition of “catfish” in their dictionary: “A person who sets up a false personal profile on a social networking site for fraudulent or deceptive purposes.” Nev and his trusty partner on the show, Max Joseph, help the internet’s lovelorn ferret out the “catfish” from the real deal on MTV’s “Catfish: The TV Show.”

“Remember, this happened to me, too,” Nev writes. “Even though I seem sophisticated, with my lastest-model iPhone and my rollerboard suitcase and my carefully tended chest hair ... I’m really no different than you.” ION Arizona chatted with Nev about the “Catfish Phenomenon,” how he stays focused, and introducing him to his inner otter-ness. ION: How long does it take to shoot one episode of “Catfish”? Nev: Every episode takes roughly six days to shoot from start to finish, including travel. The season takes considerably longer. Stories sometimes come to us at the last minute and often episodes we’re getting ready to shoot fall apart. ION: There’s a lot of LGBT catfish out there. Do they differ from “straight” catfish? Nev: We certainly never set up a quota or parameters for specific stories we did or didn’t want to tell. The purpose of the show is to simply address the growing phenomena of people setting up social media profiles to engage with each other in

In his new book, In Real Life: Love, Lies and Identity in a Digital Age from Grand Central Publishing, Schulman explores relationships in the digital age with lessons he learned personally and from the show about not getting sucked into an emotional attachment through Facebook or other social media with a person who puts up a phony picture and is out to play with their heartstrings.

Nev with co-host Max Joseph

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ION: Are there hopefuls jockeying to be on “Catfish”? Nev: Definitely there are people who are obviously or not so obviously trying to get attention or get on the show. We had an episode that aired after which we discovered some of the information we’d been told wasn’t totally true or people may have had a prior relationship or knowledge before the show. So we’ve even been catfished ourselves. ION: Why do catfish consent to be on TV?

primarily romantic ways but in other ways as well. We discovered that as our culture (particularly in the United States) is becoming more accepting of the many forms of sexuality, young people are beginning to feel more serious and certainly more liberated in exploring those forms of sexuality. Understandably a good place and arguably a safe place to better understand their sexual identity is the internet. Without really intending to, we stumbled on a bigger issue: some people pretending to be someone they’re not are members of the LGBT community. Not that I think it’s more or less common in either gay or straight communities. I was fascinated and eager to address that. The more we can keep talking about and accepting these issues as part of the conversation, the better. I’m very happy to have those stories. 36

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Nev: This is a question I’m always asking myself. It’s hard to understand why someone who’s been lying would agree to reveal himself in such a public way. At the heart of most stories, documentaries and reality TV shows, the inherent desire for all human beings is to tell their stories, to be heard, to get acknowledgment that they exist. People come on the show because they want to reveal themselves. They want to be seen. We provide, I believe, a genuinely safe and supportive environment to do that. At least they know they aren’t going to be ridiculed and laughed at. ION: What’s the biggest reason for catfishing? Low self-esteem? Revenge? Love? Nev: There are recurring themes throughout the show as well as the thousands we don’t get to put on TV. At the core it’s back to self-esteem. Social media really has changed the way we conduct our lives that more and more people are looking for answers on the internet rather than the hard work that it takes to actually get the satisfaction in their lives

that they so desperately desire. By putting themselves online and being vulnerable as someone who’s looking for and needs affection it becomes increasingly easy for those who prey on that to take advantage of you. ION: Do you maintain contact with former catfish? Nev: I’m totally available to anybody who’s been on the show. Some of them I’m close with; some of them I’m not. It’s sort of up to them. Some of them have places in my life and I’m very happy about that. ION: Are there episodes that are emotionally difficult for you & Max? Is it hard to maintain your sense of objectivity? Nev: It can be. There have been episodes with catfish whose motives were malevolent. Their intention was to hurt and cause harm. I understand that there are people who act in that way. I take it very personally when someone uses me and takes advantage of my TV show to publicly humiliate someone on

a large scale. I’ve definitely had my own personal tiffs with some of the people on the show—some of which you see, some you don’t. It’s not just “a job” for me; it’s my feelings, my emotions, my time. It’s something I went through and honestly feel very close to. Sometimes it’s really hard for me. People in general are so used to a culture of judgement, anger and ridicule on TV that it comes as a welcome surprise that we don’t default to those things. We take our time to try to understand people, let them explain themselves and, perhaps, find some meaningful explanation for the bad choices that they made. ION: Tell us about your book. Nev: I’ve been so moved and inspired by the reactions to “Catfish.” The conversations that I’ve had with people— young and old—about the world and social media are really profound and complicated. It’s very mysterious; I’ve spent the last three

Max Joseph with Nev Schulman

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years doing and thinking and talking about nothing else. I think I’ve come up with some important and hopefully meaningful ideas to share. I thought it would be a good idea to let people know about me. It’s a very vulnerable, honest look at my life, growing up, my mistakes, friendships I had and lost. How I went from being a pretty out of control, rudderless, obnoxious young man into a more acceptable—certainly functional and likeable—human being. Hopefully it can serve as some kind of self-help, advice or guidebook for anybody who’s still trying to better understand themselves how they fit in the strange, unusual world we all find ourselves living in. ION: In the end, what would you like to be remembered for? Nev: (Pauses) I think there are at least two different answers, one of which is more personal: being a good person, father and friend. In terms of a sort of macro, 30,000 foot perspective, I’d like to be remembered as a leader and role model. Someone who stood for something meaningful, positive and really committed. Helping other people learn from my mistakes and leading some kind of movement for emotional growth amongst my peers and community. ION: If you were a superhero, what would your superpower be? Nev: (Long pause) I would like to have the power of knowing exactly what I should do. It may sound silly, but there’s a lot of 38

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choices and options. I often find myself torn, confused and unsure of myself not knowing what I should or shouldn’t be doing. I think that’s just part of life and one of the important things that makes life interesting, but it would be kind of amazing always knowing exactly what I was supposed to do. ION: Finally, do you even like catfish? Nev: Ah! I do! We often find ourselves in the South and served blackened catfish; it’s pretty delicious. It’s not something I seek out, but I do like a good catfish. ION: By the way, in the gay world you’re totally an “otter.” Do you know what that is? Nev: No, I don’t think so. I know what a “bear” is. ION: Hairy like a bear, just slimmer. We’d love a lock of your chest hair! Nev: (Laughs) Well, I’ve got plenty to go around!

In Real Life: Love, Lies and Identity in a Digital Age is available September 2, 2014 published by Grand Central Publishing. Formats: paperback, audiobook and e-book.

L S

EQUALITY ARIZONA’S

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ANNUAL AWARDS DINNER

BE INVENTIVE. BE BOLD. BE YOU. CELEBRATE YOUR STYLE AT A NIGHT OF FASHION, EXPRESSION + ACTION

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 13TH SHERATON PHX DOWNTOWN

TICKETS AT facebook.com/EqualityAZ August 2014 www.IONAZ.com 39

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Roxxxy Andrews & Tyra Sanchez Now sissy that walk! RuPaul’s Drag Race buxom season 5 finalist Roxxy Andrews brings her hourglass figure to the runway along with season 2 winner, “the other Tyra”—Tyra Sanchez, that is. It’s all part of Carnaval Latino Labor Day Weekend Party on Sunday, August 31 at Karamba Nightclub, 1724 E. McDowell Rd. 602-254-0231 KarambaNightclub.com

AUGUST 2014 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE

TIME LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S)

Mon 9/1

1:30pm

Mondays

10:00pm Charlie’s

Charlie’s

Pussy LeHoots Labor Day Show Barbra Seville w/ Strippers!

Mondays

10:00pm Apollo’s

Naughty or Nice Bingo

Tuesday

10:00pm Karamba

Savannah Moussier’s Show

Wednesdays 9:30pm

icepics

Ice Queens Weekly Drag Competition

Wednesdays 9:00pm

IBT’s

Viva La DIVA

Wednesdays 9:00pm

Kobalt

Wednesdays 10:30pm Karamba

Garden Variety Revue with Olivia Gardens Girls of Karamba - Adriana Galiano, Karime Lizaldi, & Celeste

Wednesdays 10:00pm Charlie’s

Nevaeh’s High Heels & Halos

Thursdays

Showtime at the Bar with Ian and Barbra

9:30pm

The Bar

Thursdays

10:30pm Crescent Ballroom Olivia Gardens hosts Truth, Drag or Dare

Thursdays

10:30pm Karamba

Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds

Fridays

10:30

Special Event Rotating Drag Shows

The Rock

Fridays

7:00pm

Ruby Reynolds with the Boys of OZ

Fridays

9:00pm

IBT’s

Absolutely Flawless with China Collins

Fridays

10:00pm Cruisin’ 7th

The Barbra Seville Show

Fridays

9:00pm

Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers

BS West

1st Saturday 9:30pm

Kobalt

Taylor Made with TC Taylor & Special Guests

Saturdays

8:00pm

Saturday Night Showgirlz with Ruby

Saturdays

9:00pm

IBT’s

Saturdays

10:30pm Cruisin’ 7th

Starrletts with Janee Star The Fabulous Mia Inez Adams

Saturdays

10:00pm The Rock

The Barbra Seville Show

Saturdays

9:30pm

Pussy’s Patio Show

Charlie’s

Saturdays

9:30pm

Zorf’s

BeDazzled

Sundays

8:30pm

Charlie’s

Pussy LeHoot & Friends

Sundays

10:30pm Karamba

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That’s Life: Sinatra to Sondheim If you like standards from The Great American Songbook and classics from film and the Broadway stage, you’ll love an evening of this memorable music. Local theatre’s best and brightest—like Kristen Drathman, Rusty Ferracane and Craig Bohmler—lend their pipes to these masterful tunes. Hipster approved. Staged by Actors Theatre Phoenix at the Black Theatre Troupe building 1333 E. Washington St. Phoenix. For tix call 602-888-0368 or go to ActorsTheatrePhx.org

The Book Club Play A group of friends welcome a new member into their book club only to see him tear at the fabric of their longstanding relationships. A sly examination of social groups, ritual, and true friendship. BENEFIT: It stars the fabulous Joe Kremer! How cool is that? A theatre “must!” Staged by Actors Theatre Phoenix at the Black Theatre Troupe building 1333 E. Washington St. Phoenix. For tix call 602-888-0368 or go to ActorsTheatrePhx.org

Peter Pan Way before Michael Jackson built “Neverland,” it was a place for rebellious kids, clock-eating crocodiles, the somewhat fey, wicked Captain Hook, Tinkerbell and the boy who would never grow up: Peter Pan. See the magic come alive on stage now through August 17 at Arizona Broadway Theatre, 7701 W. Paradise Ln. Peoria. Tickets: 623-776-8400 or go to AZBroadway.org

AUGUST 2014 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE EVENT LOCATION thru 3 Jersey Boys ASU Gammage - Tempe thru 10 Biloxi Blues Desert Stages Theatre - Scotts. thru 10 The Cottage Actors Theatre - Phx thru 10 Sinatra to Sondheim Actors Theatre - Phx thru 17 The Book Club Play Actors Theatre - Phx thru 17 Peter Pan AZ B’way Theatre - Peoria SEPTEMBER 5-28 The Angry Housewives AZ B’way Theatre - Peoria 5-21 Godspell Mesa Encore Theatre 5-10/26 One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest Desert Stages Theatre - Scotts 6-14 Jagged Little Pill - N2T Hardes Theatre at PHX Theatre

PHONE 480-965-3434 480-483-1664 602-888-0368 602-888-0368 602-888-0368 623-776-8400 623-776-8400 480-644-6500 480-483-1664 602-254-2151

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Justin Timberlake JT brings sexy back again! That’s not a bad thing, so put on your suit ‘n’ tie and prepare to get down for a 20/20 Experience. Be sure to tell all your MySpace friends about it. If they’re still on MySpace, that is. Catch him on Saturday, August 9 at Jobing.com Arena, 9400 W. Maryland Ave. in Glendale. Tickets available through TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000

John Legend

Smooth, sexy, R&B singer John Legend is, well, a legend. He brings his “All of Me” Tour to Phoenix on Sunday, August 17 so bring all your curves and all your edges, and your perfect imperfections down to the Comerica Theatre, 400 W. Washington St. For tickets visit TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000

Jason Mraz Everybody’s favorite 420 hipster croons, “YES!” to Phoenix with his acoustic tour of the same name. Mr. A-Z will probably wear a hat and have an audience sing-a-long to his classic monster hit, “I’m Yours,” too. The good vibes all happen on Saturday, August 31 at the Comerica Theatre, 400 W. Washington St. in Phoenix. For tickets visit TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000

AUGUST 2014 ION Concert Calendar DATE 3 3 6 7 8 9 9 12 13 15 15 17 17 19 23 26 27 30 31 31

ARTIST LOCATION PHONE Goo Goo Dolls/Plain White T’s Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 800-745-3000 Los Lonely Boys Rialto Theatre - Tucson 520-740-1000 Counting Crows/Toad Wet Sprocket Casino del Sol - Tucson 800-344-9435 Counting Crows/Toad Wet Sprocket Comerica Theatre - Phx 800-745-3000 Fall Out Boy & Paramour Ak-Chin Pavilion - Phoenix 800-745-3000 Justin Timberlake Jobing.com Arena - Glendale 800-745-3000 Prince Royce Casino del Sol - Tucson 800-344-9435 Paul McCartney US Airways Center - Phoenix 800-745-3000 American Idol Live Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 800-745-3000 Sheryl Crow, Rascal Flatts Ak-Chin Pavilion - Phoenix 800-745-3000 Peter Frampton Wild Horse Pass Casino - Chandler 800--WIN-GILA x 7370 John Legend Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 800-745-3000 ZZ Top & Jeff Beck Casino del Sol - Tucson 800-344-9435 Randy Newman Fox Theatre - Tucson 520-547-3040 Tony Bennett Mesa Arts Center 480-644-6500 Wynonna Judd Scottsdale Center for the Arts 480-499-8587 Dwight Yoakam Fox Theatre - Tucson 520-547-3040 Marc Anthony Jobing.com Arena - Glendale 800-745-3000 Jason Mraz Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 800-745-3000 Ed Sheeran Jobing.com Arena - Glendale 800-745-3000 August 2014 www.IONAZ.com 45

88% of LGBTQ Phoenicians agree... Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s ok for adults to drink responsibly as long as they donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t drive afterwards.

Have a safe & sober ride!

Learn more at: www.facebook.com/safeout www.twitter.com/lgbtqconsortium This program is funded through Mercy Maricopa Intergrated Care.

www.IONAZ.com August 2014

by Peter Lora pintelonegro@gmail.com

Aural Fixation

Morrissey

World Peace is None of Your Business Fans of Morrissey and The Smiths have a tendency to see the heroic 80s romantic poet as he once was and not for who he actually is now. In a way, this is what Morrissey may believe and narcissistically think of himself. We’ve seen him release a successful autobiography that finally addressed his ambiguous sexual orientation, cancel an entire U.S. leg of his tour and speak unfavorably of the “Iron Lady,” the late U.K. Prime Minister, Lady Margaret Thatcher. Fans wondered if there would be new music after a decade of sonic silence. Morrissey managed to release an album that doesn’t necessarily live up to the glory of yesteryear but reminds us of his fearlessness, distinct vocal style and ability. In true Moz fashion the album is filled with social commentary. “I’m Not a Man” shows disdain for the masculine archetype with comic quips like, “Beefaroni, but lonely’” and at the same time saying, “Never eat an animal.” It’s musically strong, melding Spanish influences and classic Moz in songs like “Neal Cassady Drops Dead,” “Earth is the Loneliest Planet” and “Kiss Me A Lot.” Available Now

La Roux

Trouble in Paradise After a five-year wait, synth-pop androgyne La Roux is back after it felt we’d never hear from the Brit-pop ingénue again. After a bout with paralyzing performance anxiety and a split with Ben Langmaid, her original

collaborator believed to be the mastermind behind the success of her debut, a longawaited and aptly named sophomore release is here. This could have just as easily been released in 1984 with its early electronic music sound. Lead single and call to nightlife, “Uptight Downtown” bridges what we know of La Roux from her previous album but at the same time borrows the guitar riffs and electronic effects we’ve heard in a different time from long forgotten artists—namely Bananarama. “Cruel Sexuality,” “Paradise is You” and “Tropical Chancer” play into the albums 80s sensibility—cool synth sounds against warm mentions of beaches, palm trees and humid, ill-fated love affairs. “Sexotheque” is relatable, opening with “He must know what it feels like to mess around.” Autobiographical Silent Partner not only sounds like Eurythmics but mirrors the tale of both of these musical duos. Let Me Down Gently stands out as the album’s opus with its elegant synth mid-tempo ballad opening and transformation into a solo dance anthem. Available Now. Jessie Ware

THE DL SONGS TO DOWNLOAD ARTIST SONG La Roux Let Me Down Gently Morrissey Earth is the Loneliest Planet Jessie Ware Tough Love Grimes Go feat. Blood Diamonds AlunaGeorge Kaleidoscope Love (Kaytranada Edition) Clean Bandit Rather Be Jungle Busy Earnin’ Usher Good Kisser (Disclosure Remix) Tove Lo Stay High (Habits Remix) Ariana Grande – Break Free June 2014 www.IONAZ.com 47 August 2014 www.IONAZ.com 47

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ionazeditor@me.com

Teen Wolf: Season 3, part 2 Take a bit of “Beverly Hills 90210,” a splash of “Dawson’s Creek,” a dab of “The Incredible Hulk,” a dash of “Twilight” with a big dose of homoerotica and you’ve got the epic MTV series “Teen Wolf.” Despite complex details and characters, the basic plot is simple: outcast high school student Scott McCall (the handsome Tyler Posey with an weirdly lopsided face) is a werewolf. He feels guilty about it. You know these anxiety-riddled teenagers! His bestie, Stiles (Dylan O’Brien), and Scott’s girlfriend, Allison (Crystal Reed), help him embrace his inner beast, coping with all the wild hair, pointy teeth, flashing red eyes and so forth. If you haven’t watched the show, you won’t understand most of it now. As with most soap operas, it doesn’t take long to catch on to the supernatural drama with the requisite teenage angst and big bad werewolf melodrama punctuated with very serious music indicating when something very serious is happening. That happens a lot. This season there’s a hybrid of werecoyotes. Highlight includes seeing fellow werewolf and sex bomb Derek Hale (Tyler

Teens & Tempers Hoechlin, 2007 ASU Sun Devil Baseball infielder) stripped to the waist and cuffed to a chain link fence and hot, shirtless werewolf identical twin brothers. “No homo, bro” and very “homo, bro,” verbal sparring occurs. Often. These clips are commonly found on YouTube as well as poorly photoshopped pornographic images with the stars’ heads on mismatched bodies all over the web.

High production values and a clever, swiftly moving story sucks you in, making “Teen Wolf” a guilty “no homo, bro” pleasure. ★★★☆☆ Available now on DVD

The Angriest Man in Brooklyn Starring: Robin Williams, Mila Kunis Henry Altmann (Williams, Dead Poets Society) is damn mad. At pretty much the whole world. His doctor, Sharon Gill (Kunis, Friends with Benefits), is stressed. Henry’s insults don’t help. When she abruptly reveals that he has a brain aneurysm and only 90 minutes to live (coincidentally the length of the movie) Henry has a Scrooge-like epiphany and attempts to make amends with—yep—pretty much the whole world. “In the end, there’s only family.” Predictable, yes. But this screwball dramedy is a delight with a lesson. Look for James Earl Jones in a brilliant cameo. ★★★☆☆ Available now on Blu-ray, DVD August 2014 www.IONAZ.com 49

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Starring: Megan Fox, Will Arnett, Johnny Knoxville (voice over), Whoopi Goldberg, Tony Shaloub Cowabunga, dude! Let’s see if there’s still magic from your 1980s Saturday morning cartoon crime-fighting anthropomorphic amphibians Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo and Raphael in this live action reboot. The four turtles emerge from the rank sewers of the Big Apple armed with nunchucks and martial arts skills, thanks to their sensei rat Splinter, to combat the villain Shredder and the Foot Clan who are taking over NYC. The turtles team up with reporter April O’Neil (Fox, Transformers) and her wisecracking cameraman Vernon Fenwick (Arnett, Arrested Development) to save New York. In the pipeline since 2009 and produced by the controversial Michael Bay. A couple of rewrites after purchasing rights, this could be a big hit ... or not. Opens: August 8

Turtles, Tears & Takei The Giver Starring: Jeff Bridges, Meryl Streep, Brenton Thwaites, Alexander Skarsgard, Taylor Swift, Katie Holmes Based on the 1993 science fiction novel by Lois Lowry about a perfect world where there is no war, racism or pain. Every member of society has a specific role and 16-year-old Jonas (Thwaites) is selected to be the Receiver of Memories from an elderly man (Bridges, True Grit, Tron). The true pain and pleasure of the “real” world are revealed. As Jonas uncovers the truth behind his world’s past, he discovers that his forefathers gave up humanity to oder to have a stable society. Another reason to see this is simply because of the magnificent Meryl Streep (Sophie’s Choice) and Katie Homes (Dawson’s Creek) who knows about cult behavior. T-Swizzle (Swift) makes her film debut. Opens: August 22

To Be Takei Starring: George Takei, Brad Takei, Walter Koenig Keep this on your radar! “Star Trek”’s Mr. Sulu discusses his life and career as well as his huge popularity with the public post-coming out in the awardwinning documentary. Opens: August 22

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www.IONAZ.com August 2014

by Albert Rivas arivas3@gmail.com

et’s focus on the supernatural. The Lifetime network’s Witches of East End revolves around the Beauchamp family. Matriarch Joanna’s (Julia Ormond) two daughters: Freya (Jenna DewanTatum) and Ingrid (Rachel Boston), are both unaware of their powers and legacy. Joanna’s younger sister, Wendy, (Mädchen Amick) is a shapeshifter. The series picks up much like AHS: Coven and Charmed. The sad part about this is that not even the eye candy like Daniel DiTommaso and Christian Cooke can save it. I’ve been a huge fan of book-to-TV adaptations, leaving room to expand and a great way to shock viewers by changing characters’ fates. The series focuses too much on the novel. It is literally a book-to-television. Yes, they use soap opera tactics and cheesy visuals, but it appears that not even the cast wants to be there. I’d settle for a Shannen Doherty scandal to at least spark some interest. (In case you don’t remember, Dougherty was fired from, both, “Beverly Hills 90210” and “Charmed.” Homegirl can’t keep a job. Now she’s forced to do those “get your degree from home” commercials.) Coven showed how to perform magic without making it campy; here it looks like they hired a high school visual arts team. The show is so bad that it actually makes

Witches & Werewolves some scenes good. Without disgracing the acting, these women have a chemistry that’s unmatched in most new shows. Still, the magic is very “been there/done that.” Haven’t we reached the end of the supernatural craze? Apparently not. “Hemlock Grove,” another Netflix original series premiered in July. Famke Janssen (“Jean Grey” in the film adaptations of the X-Men series) plays Olivia Godfrey who is a Upyr, a vampire-like creature. With her mannerisms and the voice, you know right away something is not right with this Mommie Dearest. Bill Skarsgård is her son, “Roman,” half Upyr and half human. If the last name rings a bell, he’s is the younger brother of actor Alexander Skarsgård (“True Blood”). Peter Rumanek (Landon Liboiron) is a werewolf. His chemistry with Roman plays off well playing murder investigators. The best part of this series is the werewolf transformation. It’s something you’ve never seen before. At first it was cringeworthy to watch but ultimately it’s very believable. I mean, if there really were werewolves in real life, of course. Filled with suspense and not your typical high school teen drama, this show still has time to grow. So kudos on Netflix for producing an array of different shows to their lineup. Keep ‘em coming! August 2014 www.IONAZ.com 53

Check out these great realtors, mortgage brokers, insurance agents, apartments, condos and houses. With ION Home, we make it easy to find, finance and insure your new home.

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A Collection of Local Independent Favorites

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Barrio Queen O

nce upon a time, in the glitzy kingdom of Scottsdale there lived a queen. She decreed that her famous burritos, enchiladas, tacos, tortas as well as other exotic Mexican comidas (not to mention her amazing selection of tequila potions) would be the greatest in all the land. She is the fabled “Barrio Queen.” All Chef Silvana Salcido Esparza needs to do is wave her wisk, say, “Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo” over a skillet and you’ve got something magical on your plate. Magic and a lot of hard work and heart goes into everything she creates. It all started at the modest Barrio Café on 16th Street near Thomas Road. Since then Chef Silvana’s empire has grown to include a location at Sky Harbor Airport and now Scottsdale. A Gilbert location is coming soon.

Májia Mexicana

prepared tableside with the freshest of everything, including a seasonal surprise. Ours was cranberries. The autumn brings pomegranates to the mix. $10.75. Thick, crunchy tortilla chips are made in house, too. Barrio Queen’s Huitlacoche y Champiñon Quesadilla ($8) offers a hand-pressed corn tortilla filled with melted Oaxaca cheese, sautéed huitlacoche—a real delicacy also referred to as “Mexican Truffles” and comes from naturally occurring corn ‘smet’ (a somewhat rare, gourmet, edible fungus) that forms on the ears. Add mushrooms, shallots and garlic with two snappy salsas for a treat you can’t get in Never-Never Land. Craving tacos? The Queen’s royal pantry has the best. Go for the Nopalitos—the tender pads of a prickly pear cactus along with serrano pepper, onion and a tomato sautée

So click your heels together three times and be whisked away to the merry old land of the Barrio Queen and rediscover why she’s a fourtime nominee for the coveted James Beard award and a local treasure. Chef Silvana comes from a culture of food and creativity, of course. Start with her fab Barrio Guacamole, August 2014 www.IONAZ.com 57

ride her broom home.) Expect nearly 20 tacos to choose from. They’re made to order with hand-pressed corn tortillas; three for $10 or $3.50 each.

that’s nothing short of enchanting. Or go for the Carne Asada, Chorizo Azul—thinly sliced beef marinated in fresh orange and garlic, grilled and topped with chorizo and a zippy bleu cheese. Gossip Item: lifestyle witch Martha Stewart chowed down on these (and quaffed the magic margaritas. A lot of them, I hear. So many she couldn’t

Expect even more magic with the Barrio Queen’s entrées. The Yucatán-inspired Conchinita Pibil is fallapart tender marinated pork in sour orange and achiote paste, wrapped in a banana leaf and slow cooked overnight. Top it off with pickled sour orange onions and pico de gallo, serve it up with magnificent chipotle mashed potatoes and calabacitas (squash). Presto! Only $19. Plenty to share!

Abracadabra! The Chiles en Nogada is a twist on the traditional relleno with chicken breast, dried apricots, pecans, raisins, onion, garlic and red wine in a roasted poblano pepper served in an almond cream sauce with pomegranate, queso fresco and cilantro garnish. Delicate and robust, it’s sure to delight without any trickery: just honest cuisine. $24. Don’t miss out on her enchiladas, tortas or burritos, either. Barrio Queen’s chalice from the palace has the brew that is true. She has 420 different tequilas—try a flight of them and stamp the Barrio Queen’s “Tequila Passport” with every one you try. Lead Bartender Colton Brock is the resident cocktail wizard you need to meet. A wide variety of magnificent

Margaritas will make you say, “¡Olé!” especially on Margarita Mondays when they’re half-off. If you’re driving, make sure you go for her Aguas Frescas. The Tamarindo, Jamaica and Horchata are all prepared in house from scratch. If you’re lucky the masterful (and handsome!) Fernando will be your server extraordinaire. It’s worth it when you see him work his magic tableside. Alakazam! There’s no place like home, but the Barrio Queen ain’t at your house, Dorothy. Live happily ever after at Barrio Queen.

‘

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ICEPICS

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FAN FUCKINTASTIC FRIDAYS

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Photography by Scotty Kirby • Direction by Kevin Bushaw • Models are Jeremy Troughton, Geoffrey Gargotta, and Dick Johnson. Special thanks to Roger Irling, Alan “Robogay” Cooley, Adam Aarons, Scott Taylor & Joel Hamilton. Special Thanks to the Wild Men of the West. Be sure to visit The Coliseum on August 30th for Ignition Phoenix! August 2014 www.IONAZ.com 67

IGNITION PHOENIX Break out the Armor All and the Turtle Wax! It’s time for the first annual Ignition Phoenix LGBT Auto Show! See the best in classic, vintage, collectible cars from the local chapter of the Lambda Car Club, Cactus 4 Wheelers, Hell’s Fairies with entertainment, food, DJ, a poker tournament, a vapor lounge and more. Saturday, August 30 at the Arizona State Fair Veterans Memorial Coliseum at the Arizona State Fairgrounds, McDowell Road and 19th Avenue in Phoenix. 12 noon-7 p.m.

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THE LAMBDA CAR CLUB If you have a passion for automobiles and everything about them, Lambda Car Club is for you! Classic, vintage and unique, collectible automobiles or vehicles are the primary focus here, but you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t need one to join this club of car lovers. Find out more about the Arizona chapter of the Lambda Car Club, visit AZgayCar.com and see what theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve got to offer.

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HELLS FAIRIES Founded in Chicago, Illinois in 2006, this club of primarily LGBTQ motor scooter enthusiasts has chapters across the United States of America, including Phoenix, Arizona! Check out HellsFairies.com for info about joining the Phoenix chapter for some two-wheel motorized fun!

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www.IONAZ.com August 2014

CACTUS 4-WHEELERS A group of four wheel drive off-road enthusiasts from all walks of life with 4x4’s who get together in the great outdoors and take their four-wheel drive vehicles off the paved roads. These friendly, fun people enjoy getting together, packing up and getting out of the urban chaos, whether for just the day, or a weekend getaway. “Like” them on Facebook.

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SHERATON HOTEL DOWNTOWN PHOENIX

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www.IONAZ.com August 2014

Vol. 8, Issue 4

July 2014

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

AZ Ends Death Penalty. Guilty Must OUTRAGEOUS! Watch Another Season of ‘Glee.’

PHOENIX — After the botched execution of Arizona’s convicted death row inmate Joseph Wood, III last month, state prison officials and government executives addressed alternate forms of capital punishment due to public outcry.

societal outcasts who find redemption in harmonic choral singing productions much to an evil athletic director’s disgruntlement. Detractors say that marathon viewings of ‘Glee’ is an even more cruel and unusual punishment.

OUTRAGEOUS!

“Capital punishment “What kind of is a controversial are we?” subject,” said one ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLYmonsters ACCIDENTAL argued one critic of anonymous source the penance. “Do we want to be remembered in the penal system. “Hanging, the electric in the history books as a civilization that chair, gas chambers and now even lethal forced another horrifying 22 episodes of this injection are considered inhumane and agonizingly painful TV show on another torture. There was only one other fair human being? Have some pity!” alternative. ‘Glee.’” Death row inmates will be forced to watch yet another season of the FOX network’s painful, excruciatingly awful TV show about rapidly aging yet musically inclined

Arizona Department of Corrections said execution by ‘Glee’ was quicker and less painful than ‘Sean Saves the World.’

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL May 2012 www.IONAZ.com 85

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OUTRAGEOUS!

Putin Worries About Image, OUTRAGEOUS! Place in History. Murders Press OUTRAGEOUS!

members of MOSCOW — the press and Russian president researchers who Vladimir Putin disagree with ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL is concerned his current and about how he is future policies.” portrayed to the world and how Putin weighed his legacy will in on his be perceived reputation. by historians in “Don’t get me the future. Will wrong. I love he be painted the press. I am as an energetic, a family man, hardworking, too” said Putin. dutiful world “Don’t forget, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL leader? Or will he my campaign be put on display slogan was, as a tyrannical despot and power hungry ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL ‘Vote for Putin or He Will Shoot Your megalomaniac? Family. And Your Dog.’”

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Boris Vodkanovitch, a pro-Putin member of the State Duma reports, “President Putin wishes to confirm his status in a historical context for future generations to understand and appreciate. To ensure that this is done satisfactorily, President Putin will execute all

A friendly press conference with one-way tickets and paid expenses is scheduled this winter in upper Siberia. Attendees are recommended to pack light.

OUTRAGEOUS!

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he other night I was at an industry party and the joint was filled to capacity with some of Manhattan’s finest male models. These motha fuckahs were plentiful, unlike the booze at the open bar they said they were having. As the night progressed and after a few of the boys had more than the rationed alcohol, they migrated to the lower lounge and were looking for some pity. These queens were cackling about their quests for true love. Well, you, me and the bartender were giving some serious side-eye, knowing damn well these boys aren’t looking for true romance. Hell, these bitches are looking for either a sugar daddy, a fuckbuddy/agent ... or someone just as pretty as they are to be their other half in a wannabe power couple. In honor of these messes, I reached into my inbox and found some other attractive fools with similar problems. This month’s Favorite Bitch is all about pretty hurts. Whether you’re on the giving or receiving end of it! Dear Miss Tiger, I’m a struggling model. I love living in the expensive part of town, but my wallet doesn’t share the same affection. Should I leave or stay and live on ramen noodles? What do you see happening? — Javier Dear I See A Job Opportunity At Olive Garden In Your Future, Hmmm ... Do like every other struggling young model does when he’s in a pinch. Instead of updating your profile on ModelMayhem.com, try creating one at RentBoy.com. I hear the going rate for a

power bottom is $150, so buy some good grease, hunty! You’ll need to take about a dozen hateful cocks every month to pay that rent. NEXT! Dear Miss Tiger, My friends say that my new boyfriend isn’t cute like me. I’m attracted to his personality. Besides, we’re perfect together. I’m a model and he’s rich. What do you think? — Cody Dear Nothing Good EVER Comes From A Boy With A Trashy Name Like Cody, NEXT! Dear Miss Tiger, What should I do about my cheating boyfriend? He’s a runway model and much younger than me, but I’m ready to throw his ass out! Help! — Shawn Dear Next Time Be Less Concerned With The Wrapping And Pay More Attention To The Gift, Darling, sometimes when you bite down on a Twinkie, you get a bad taste of reality instead of the sweet, creamy filling! Wanna talk to me LIVE about this kind of bullshit and more? Then join me August 18th on Derek and Romaine • SiriusXM OutQ 106 at 7pm MT! Visit my website for more info about my radio appearances. Miss Tiger - Advice Columnist • SiriusXM radio personality ... and everyone’s #FAVORITEBITCH Website FavoriteBitch.com Facebook/Twitter MissTiger Advice ask@misstiger.com August 2014 www.IONAZ.com 91

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by Sean Kapera @ Synergistic Studios

Jonathan Benitez Portland, OR Model/Actor

FOLLOW on instagram @SynergisticStudios August 2014 www.IONAZ.com 93

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by Addison DeWitt

’m using that sexy go-go boy Angelo Leon (A) at the beginning of my column just to get your attention. Now that I have it, let’s go! During a recent trip to the Big Apple, B The Clarendon hotelier Ben Bethel (B) got glitter kissed on the lips by none other than Neil Patrick Harris’s (C) own musical theatrically transgendered self during a performance of the remounted Hedwig and the Angry Inch on the Great White Way. (What did his lipstick taste like?)

Speaking of the business of show, it looks like that handsome Bryce Matheson (D) is serving F up some majorly sexy “Daddy Warbucks” (E) realness with his freshly shaved chrome dome here and he’s ready for a fabulous Broadway production of “Annie.” Who’ll play the orphan and the dog, Sandy? Let’s revise it, make it gay and just call it “Mannie.” [Editor’s note: kids, if you don’t know who “Little Orphan Annie” is or the annoying 1976 musical, ask your moms. Or grandmas.] “Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya! Tomorrow!” Sure. Sure you will.

The new, improved bar icepics had a much needed facelift and is hip-hoppin’, trippin’ and twerkin’ off the hook since Kiki Andrews came in like a wrecking ball. Well, a wrecking ball with lots of foam rubber padding, of course. Here’s Kiki with that bodacious Brazilian Bombshell Fabrício Carvalho (F) was a foxy finalist during the bar’s weekly “Fan-Fuckin’Tastic Friday” parties. I’ve never been so happy for these dirty summertime C haboobs. Those sexy Wild Men of the West were washing cars at Charlie’s to raise money for the Joshua Tree Feeding Program. That sexy Jason Vaccaro (G) can give me a sponge bath and Simonize me from my grill to my tailpipe anytime. And E make sure those rims are shining like the top of the Chrysler Building by the time you’re done, darling. Jason puts the “man” in “manifold.” I haven’t posted a “Party Penguin of the Month here in quite a while. Frankly, readers, I’ve been disappointed in you. I need to be impressed. And you know who inspires me? I’ll tell you: it’s the famous “Tamale Lady” (H) who peddles her G tasty treats all over town. That’s the way to my heart. That and promises of gratuitous nudity.

Now guess how I’m gonna end this? Much as I began it. But this time with Angelo’s end. The livin’ end! You’re welcome. August 2014 www.IONAZ.com 95

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Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22

Your turbosupercharger gives your own special “internal combustion engine” some n search of a little Fahrvergnügen? Fasten increased power for the long haul. If it’s your seat belts, because Venus is in conyour birthday, you’ll be getting some great junction with Jupiter on August 18. These mileage on the highway. Take a road trip dazzling planets present opportunities of with someone special. chance, luck and optimism. Los Olivos can detail your car, but it’s up to you to get your- Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22 You’re a little overheated lately. You’re likely self spiritually spic & span. Bring your own classy chassis to Ignition Phoenix on August to blow a gasket if you don’t take it easy. 30. You might be surprised who you’ll meet. Your internal combustion engine will run smoothly if you get your tailpipe cleaned Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 out. You know you need it. You’re running on a fast idle. A tune up will Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23 get your timing adjusted. As far as you’re That luxury model you’ve been looking at personal life is concerned, don’t race into turns out to be a lemon when you take it for anything too early or wait ‘til it’s too late a test drive. You’ll find a better model with because timing is everything. an asking price that’s within range. This one Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20 won’t backfire on you. You’ll catch yourself slamming on the brakes late in the month when you’re in a near fatal Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23 You’ve been running on empty and now it collision with Destiny. Gently accelerate as looks like you’ll need roadside assistance you enter the on-ramp to the Freeway of to get you where you need to be. Don’t be Love, merging with on-coming traffic. afraid to ask for help. Someone is waiting to Gemini May 21 - June 21 fill ‘er up—with premium. You’ll need to prove that you have a valid license and current registration when you’re Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20 You’ve been having trouble with your questioned about a violation. Prove you’re qualified to be behind the wheel of whatever starter and it may need to be replaced. It happens. A qualified mechanic with the right you do. And you do it so well. screwdriver and plenty of lube can get it in Cancer June 22 - July 22 running order. It might take overnight—or Have you checked your emissions, hoses longer. and tubes? Make sure they’re in good Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 working order during the summer months when they’ll be getting lots of use. Someone Your battery gets a jump start when you think it’s gone for good. Someone who checks under the hood just to make sure. knows what they’re doing clamps their Leo July 23 - Aug. 22 cables on your terminals and gives you a You were in “park.” Then you got stuck in nice, long, powerful charge. Vroom! Vroom! “reverse,” but you’ve been in “neutral” for a Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 while. Get off the stick and put in first, then You need a front end alignment but you second gear because you’ll be in overdrive should have your rear axle looked at, too. now. Birthday cats prefer “automatic” over Need your oil checked? Someone with a “manual.” nice, long dipstick can help. Your engine hasn’t seized up and you’re still a smooth ride.