ION Arizona #178

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DRAG RACE VIEWING PARTY

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KO BA LT

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FANTASY FRIDAYS

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AQUA

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VALLEY’S GOT TALENT

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RC SALOON

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CHILI COOK OFF

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ROSCOE’S ON 7TH

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830 N. 1st Ave., Unit 203 Phoenix, AZ 85003 (602) 308-4662 www.IONAZ.com ionarizona@me.com PUBLISHER / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero ............................................ jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ..................................................... kbushaw@me.com EDITOR Deon Brown ................................................... ionazeditor@me.com OFFICE MANAGER Dean Dill .......................................................... dean.dill@icloud.com

COPY EDITOR .......................................................... Austin Head GRAPHIC DESIGNER ......................................... Angel Jimenez PRODUCTION & ARTWORK SUBMISSIONS

ionazproduction@me.com

ADVERTISING SALES Jack Tesorero ............................................................ (602) 750-1164

jacktesorero@me.com

PHOTOGRAPHERS:

Fernando Hernandez Franklin Diaz Scotty Kirby Sean Kapera Stephanie Anne Donoghue NATIONAL ADVERTISING REPRESENTATIVE Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 CONTRIBUTORS:

Addison DeWitt C. Edwards Ted Kirby

Peter Lora Paul Sanchez Miss Tiger

Published monthly by

1995-2016: 21 Years of Design and Creative Excellence Š 2016 JMT Designs, Inc.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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4343 North 7th Avenue Phoenix facebook.com/stacysatmelrose

602-361-6560

602-264-1700

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NOCHE LATINAS

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ANTRO NIGHTCLUB

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Summer is Coming...

A pril is my favorite month! The long, cold

winter is over. The Snowbirds are beginning to leave, freeing up the traffic. And I can finally wear my shorts and t-shirts all the time.

While Phoenix Pride 2016 is history, we have more great events coming up.

This month we celebrate the delicious Dine Out for Life on Thursday, April 28.

Enjoy breakfast, lunch or dinner at many popular restaurants throughout the Valley while donating to Southwest Center for HIV/AIDS. I also love April because it’s the beginning of pool party season. And there’s no bigger pool party in our community than the scandalous Splash Bash. This will be our 16th Splash Bash (my lucky number and my birthdate) and we have made some exciting changes. First, we moved Splash Bash pool party back to Memorial Day weekend, May 27-29. While the massive pool party is all day on Saturday, we’re bringing back the popular “Sexiest Bartender Contest” on Sunday. We will

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also have an opening party, a free pool party and for the first time we will offer VIP weekend packages. Check out the ad on the next page.

While every issue is special, this one is especially exciting for us. While we’ve interviewed countless RuPaul Drag Race contestants (and winners!), the golden prize is an interview with the Queen of Queens, the original Supermodel of the World, RuPaul herself. RuPaul rarely grants media interviews, but we got one! Check it out on page 38.

There’s a lot going on in our community and things change all the time. Visit IONAZ.com and make sure you subscribe to our weekly email blasts, like us on Facebook and check out our website throughout the month. We’ve got you covered!

Jack M Tesorero Publisher

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PRINCE’S BALL

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CRUISIN’ 7TH

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rab your favorite spectators, slingbacks, platforms, wedgies or stilettos, honey! High heels are fabulous and they make your calves look better when you walk. So put on a pair of Miu Mius, Manolo Blahniks or Christian Laboutins and get ready for the annual Heel Party on Saturday, April 25th at 9pm at Bar1. Hard to fit? Relax! Get a chic, stylish pair of heels that fit at Boom Boom LaRue’s!

Bar1 Patio Bar

3702 N 16th St. in Phoenix 602.266.9001

Boom Boom LaRue’s 3606 N. 16th St. in Phoenix

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“Tab Hunter: Confidential”

Desperado LGBT Film at Phoenix Film Festival presents the story of 84-year-old, Tab Hunter.

His story is beautifully conveyed through this poignant documentary about the golden-haired 1950s matinee idol who went from teenage stable boy to closeted Hollywood star. Saturday, April 9, 7:55 p.m. at the Harkins 101 Theatre, 7000 E. Mayo Blvd. in Scottsdale. PhoenixFilmFestival.com

Doggie Drag

“You ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog!” Hey, dog lovers! Put on your poodle skirt for this show! You might see a Pomeranian in a prom dress or a Dalmatian dressed as Dolly Parton. You’ll definitely see hostess Barbra Seville with special guests. Proceeds benefit local dog rescues. Saturday, April 23 at The Rock, 4129 N. 7th Ave. in Phoenix. VIPP (Very Important Pooch People) tix available.

Los Diablo’s 1st Anniversary Party

Go to Hell! We’ll join you, because t’s always have a helluva good time at Los Diablo’s Bar & Bistro. Join these devilish imps as they celebrate their first anniversary with good times and good friends on Saturday, April 23. They’ve got karaoke from 5- 9p.m. and a DJ from 9 p.m.-close. Plus, take advantage of the “Buy 1, Get 1” special for $1 all day long (some restrictions apply, of course.) See ads p. 12 & 13

SAAF Jell-O Wrestling

Watch all the wigglin’ and jigglin’ at this gelatinous fundraiser! It’s the 29th Annual Jell-O Wrestling on Saturday, April 23.! All proceeds benefit the programs and services of the Southern Arizona AIDS Foundation. The gates open at 6 p.m and the ‘rasslin’ starts at 6:30 p.m. New location at 4th Avenue and 7th Street. For tickets and information visit JellWrestling.org or call 520-628-SAAF 34

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Heel Party at Bar1

It’s a fact: wearing high heels makes your calves look better. Bust out the Bandolinos! Splurge on those Christian Laboutins you’ve had your eye on. It’s time for the legendary Bar1 Heel Party! It happens Saturday, April 23. Okay, girl ... We suggest start practicing now: heel, toe. Heel, toe. Heel, toe .. Bar1, 3702 N. 16th St. in Phoenix.

(A matching purse is a nice idea, too.) See ad p. 29

Dining Out for Life

Raise your forks, raise your glass and raise money!

Grab a bite to eat with your friends while you celebrate “Dining Out for Life” on Thursday, April 28 at participating restaurants and merchants. A percentage of proceeds earned will be donated to Southwest Center for HIV/AIDS in Phoenix and Northland Cares in the Prescott area. Visit DiningOutForLife.com for more info

APRIL 2016 ION EVENTS LISTINGS April

Fri. Noche Latinas Antro Nightclub Glendale Sat. Wonderland Nights Antro Nightclub Glendale Mon. Drag Bingo Kobalt Phoenix 4 After Pride White Party Charlie’s Phoenix 9 Leather Rummage Sale The Anvil Phoenix 9 Tab Hunter Confidential Harkin’s 101 Mayo Scottsdale 9-10 Cactus Cities Softball Tourney & Sets on the Sand V-Ball Phx Locations 10 Miss Gay USofA at Large Pageant Scottsdale 10 Cactus Cities Tourney After Party Charlie’s Phoenix 15-16 Tax Relief Party Dick’s Cabaret Phoenix 22 Andaluz Karamba Phoenix 22 Bearracuda The Rock Phoenix 23 Heel Party Bar1 Phoenix 23 Blackout Party The Anvil Phoenix 23 Diablo’s 1st Anniversary Party Diablo’s Phoenix 23 SAAF Jell-O Wresting 4th Ave/7th St. Tucson 28 Dining Out for Life Valleywide/Prescott 30 Superheroes Party BS West Scottsdale

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Barbra Seville’s Salsa Challenge Karamba’s Phoenix Cinco de Mayo Celebration Karamba’s Phoenix Imperial Court Ball Phoenix Marriott Airport Phoenix Night for Life Camelback Inn Paradise Valley April 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 35

IGNITION PHOENIX

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A Z S TAT E FA I R G R O U N D S

The Big Ru-veal!

Supermodel of the World

RuPaul Spills the Tea!

by Deon Brown

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ork! Work it, girl! Drag legend, superstar and diva RuPaul André Charles offers his “ru-vealing” philosophy about Life in a rare, candid interview about his beliefs, his girls, and his real job. All tea, no shade.

ION: What’s it like to give birth to 100 drag queens and let them loose in the world?

RuPaul: I love it! It’s the most important thing I think I’ve done in my entire life is through the show and launching the careers of 100 drag queens to an international audience. They’re so thirsty for them, so excited for them! It makes me very happy and very fulfilled.

ION: Have you considered an international edition of Drag Race?

RuPaul: We’ve thought about it.

It sounds really lovely and like a sweet “kumbaya” moment, but the logistics are really, really hard to manage, with different countries and visas getting people from around the world.

It’s funny, the discrepancies between people who are and who are not in show business in terms of how things work.

Even with my own family.

(Laughs) Years ago people would say, “Ru, Why don’t you get back on TV?” I’m like, “Okay.

That’s what I’ll do!” They don’t realize how hard it is to get on TV. They think you just go, “Oh! Let’s go to NBC and say, “Hey! I’m ready to be on!” It doesn’t quite work like that.

ION: You went into hibernation during the Bush years in the White House. Are you worried about a victory for Trump or Cruz?

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RuPaul: Things were beautiful for me during my hibernation years! I had parties and barbecues. I still worked, but I wasn’t as interested in doing the things that were offered to me.

But regardless whose in office, prepare for change. Prepare to do what you need to do to navigate your life. I liken it to being a sailor: given the conditions of the water, wind and all these different elements you have to be able to navigate.

Election or not, life on this planet has always been cyclical. Windows of opportunity open and they close.

That’s why as a shape-shifter—as a conscious human being—you have to learn how to navigate your life, given the fickle nature of human trends.

ION: You’re a much different RuPaul than you were several years ago. Have you had a revelation or epiphany?

RuPaul: No, over time your frequency becomes clearer—your voice becomes stronger. I think that’s what you’re witnessing. I’m 55-years-old and at some point you have to be very comfortable in your own skin. It takes a lifetime. Truthfully, most people on this planet are faking it. That’s not a bad thing, it just means that we’re not given an instruction book. Over time, if you’re a seeker and you’re conscious, 40

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if you’re listening for the Universe’s stage direction, you will get that direction; the message coming back to you is that you are loved and there is nothing to worry about. This life lasts a second, it is to be enjoyed, not worried about or feel conflicted about.

ION: Do you have a partner? Is there a Mr. RuPaul?

RuPaul: Well, there is a partner but he would not be called ‘a Mr. RuPaul.’

(Laughs) He’s not in show business at all.

He loves Drag Race, but he doesn’t give a shit about pop culture or show business-y stuff. He’s a rancher in Wyoming.

ION: Do you think Drag Race has changed the definition of drag?

RuPaul: I think it has. It’s opened people’s minds up. It’s changed the pH balance of the dialog about drag. At the same time humans are a very primitive creature on this planet. We prefer to live in fear rather than in love. I didn’t come up with that, it’s just my observation. There’s still a lot of dumb motherfuckers out there—and there’s nothing you can do about that.

ION: Have you thought of allowing drag kings or bioqueens to compete?

RuPaul: (Pauses) Well, that would be a completely different show! (Laughs) But bioqueens ... that show actually does exist.

It’s called the “Miss Universe Pageant.”

ION: What has been one of your favorite & least favorite moments of the show?

RuPaul: My favorite moments are watching the queens break through their own limited perceptions of themselves. The challenges are designed to push the queens in places they didn’t know they couldn’t even go. Some aren’t able to go there, but when they are able to go there it is breathtaking! It’s like watching a child being born!

We’ve all seen when a queen can’t break through and it’s heartbreaking, but very telling.

My least favorite moments on the show are when I have to say goodbye to queens who I know have more to offer.

ION: Any of your girls you loved more than you expected? Any queens you really couldn’t stand?

RuPaul: (Laughs) I see all of their audition tapes. Some of the girls’ tapes I’ve seen for years and years and years. Thorgy has auditioned every single year. So did Alaska—but she wasn’t right. It was like watching a child grow; I fall in love with them watching their audition tapes. Like with every family, I have my favorites—and April 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 41

I have those I’m not as fond of. But for the most part it’s really nothing but love, because any creature who’s able to fuck society and say, “Eff you” to all the rules, I’m in love with them.

ION: Your new game show, Gay for Play premieres this month. You obviously love game shows.

RuPaul: I love them! More than the show itself, Gay for Play showcases that cheeky, gay sensibility that I absolutely love. When I was a kid growing up I was far too sensitive and too smart and too intuitive for this world. I was bored with every goddam thing. I loved music and dancing, but everything else about what society wanted us to do, I thought, “That’s boring!” So I found refuge and sanctuary in irreverent things like Monty Python or in the secret vernacular of gay culture—like Paul Lynde on The Hollywood Squares or Charles Nelson Reilly on Match Game. People my age had to seek out this secret, encoded language. We’ve done that in Gay for Play and Drag Race. It educates young people with a certain aesthetic and outlook. I’m not even sure that they’re aware of it. Gay for Play has that.

ION: Anything left on your bucket list? What’s left for you to conquer?

Any “Ru-grets”?

RuPaul: I would love to design clothes and housewares. I’d love to create a consortium where I could direct and motivate young people to put products together—like a factory. I don’t have any regrets. Life is not about looking 42

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backwards. All those things put me where I am today.

I love all of the gifts I’ve been given. I love today.

ION: What would you be doing if you weren’t RuPaul? Is there a day where you want to hang up the heels and put away the wigs?

RuPaul: I get to do that. There’s different levels of drag. Everything is drag to me.

“You’re born naked and everything else is drag.” My real job is being creative. Drag is such a small part of what I do. I do drag when we’re filming for about three months.

The rest of the year I’m not in drag.

(Laughs) I’ve been doing it for a long, long time. I don’t differentiate between a wearing a suit or putting on a dress. I think it’s all the same.

ION: You’re the original Supermodel of the World. If you were a superhero, what would your super power be and why?

RuPaul: (Pauses) I would like to inspire and take away self-inflicted boundaries from a person. I’ve had lots of friends throughout the years—very talented people—who let their bitterness engulf them. I would love to be able to touch someone and release the bitterness and the stress of sensitivity from them and

release it. I’ve known brilliant people, but they aren’t able to let go of the hurt they feel from the knowledge that this world is a hoax—and it is a hoax. It’s an illusion.

Once people find that out, their whole belief system has to shift. Usually when people do find out, they become very bitter and are unable to move beyond that moment. That would be be my superpower: to release people from the burden their disillusionment.

We have a few questions from former RPDR contestant, Arizona’s very own Tempest DuJour for you.

me that I had to ignore and give away in doing so. It worked for me, but here’s a danger in losing part of yourself by being so connected to what other people need to make themselves feel comfortable. I would say, “You don’t need to change yourself at all to make other people feel comfortable.”

Finally, Tempest DuJour wants to know, “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?” RuPaul: Well, let’s see ... a-one ... a-two ... a-three! (Laughs) RuPaul’s Drag Race airs Monday nights.

Gay For Play premieres April 11. Check your local cable provider for air times.

TDJ: What’s your greatest fear?

RuPaul: Ignorant people. They are unpredictable. They’re like zombies.

In recent years the whole “zombie” language is a parable of the ignorance that we face in our culture. There’s a certain fear of zombies -- I’m speaking metaphorically.

TDJ: Knowing what you know now, what advice would you give a young RuPaul about what’s to come in life?

RuPaul: It’s the same advice I’d give to everyone. The truth is: “Know thyself.” It’s not a new theory, but all roads lead to it. It’s deeper than just those words. It’s talking about your own frequency. Knowing what your own voice represents to this world. I spent a lot of time as a kid worrying what other people thought of me and trying to please them.

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Barbra Seville’s Salsa Challenge + Cinco de Mayo ¡Olé! North or South of the border, there’s one thing we can all agree on: we love salsa! Join la Señorita Barbra de Seville in a competition for bragging rights for the Best Salsa in Phoenix. There’s Salsa dance lessons, drag performances and fun for Chicanos and Gringos alike!

Donations benefit Phoenix Pride Scholarship. Sunday, May 1 at 3 p.m.

Don’t miss Ruby Reynolds’ Cinco de Mayo show and party on Thursday, May 5 at Karamba Nightclub, 1724 E. McDowell Rd. in Phoenix.

KarambaNightclub.com

APRIL 2016 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE TIME Mondays 7:00pm Monday 7:00pm Mondays 9:00pm Mondays 10:00pm Tuesday 10:00pm Tuesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 10:00pm Wednesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 10:30pm Wednesdays 10:00pm Thursdays 10:30pm Fridays 10:30pn Fridays 10:30 Fridays 9:00pm Fridays 9:00pm Fridays 9:00pm 2nd Saturday 9:30pm 3rd Saturday Saturdays 9:00pm Saturdays 10:30pm Saturdays 10:00pm Saturdays 9:30pm Sundays 8:30pm Sundays 10:30pm 3rd Sunday 2:00pm

LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S) Kobalt RuPaul Drag Race Viewing Party with Scotty Kirby The Rock Drag Race Viewing Party with Games and Distractions Stacy’s RuPaul Drag Race Viewing Screen Charlie’s Claudia B Hosts Nearly Nekkid Men Karamba Savannah Moussier’s Show BS West Stars Choice Talent Showcase IBT’s Viva La DIVA Cruisin’ 7th Kira Daniels & Saellah V Kobalt Garden Variety Revue with Olivia Gardens Karamba Karamba Girls - Adriana Galiano & Karime Lizaldi Charlie’s Nevaeh’s High Heels & Halos Karamba Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds Cruisin’ 7th Nikki at Night with Nikki Knowles The Rock Special Event Rotating Drag Shows Plazma Freaky Fridays with Celia Putty IBT’s Absolutely Flawless with China Collins BS West Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers Kobalt Celia Putty RC Saloon Nikki Star’s Cactus Angels IBT’s Starrletts with Janee Star Cruisin’ 7th Lady Christian The Rock The Barbra Seville Show Charlie’s Pussy’s Patio Show Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot & Friends Karamba Diamond’s Show Cruisin’ 7th “Big Sunday” with Big Booty Judy April 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 49

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Gospel According to Thomas Jefferson, Charles Dickens and Count Leo Tolstoy: Discord

A Founding Father, a Victorian novelist and a Russian revolutionary walk into a … stop me if you’ve heard this one. Thomas Jefferson (yes that one), Charles Dickens (the very same) and Count Leo Tolstoy (who else?) are brought together in a funny, blistering battle of wits. Arizona Theatre Co. TUCSON: April 9-30, Temple of Art & Music, 330 S. Scott Ave. TIX: 520-622-2823 PHX: May 5-29, Herberger Theatre Ctr. 222 E. Monroe St. Tix: 602-256-6995

David Cross

He’ll always be the never-nude, semi-pseudo-quasi-bisexual-ish Dr. Tobias Fünke of Arrested Development to us. Cross takes his sell-out stand-up comedy show, “Making America Great Again!” on Friday, May 6 to the Gila River Casino at Wild Horse Pass, 5040 Wild Horse Pass Blvd. in Chandler. For tickets call 877-840-0457 or visit TicketForce.com

APRIL 2016 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE

EVENT

COMPANY

PHONE

2-23 Wonderland Wives Nearly Naked Theatre 2 Jeff Foxworthy/Larry the Cable Guy Talking Stick Arena 5-10 42nd Street ASU Gammage - Tempe 7 Kathleen Madigan Rialto Theatre - Tucson 8 Sinbad Wild Horse Pass - Chandler 8-24 Vanya, Sonia, Masha, Spike Theatre Works 8-24 Black Pearl Sings Black Theatre Troupe -Phx thru 9 Twelfth Night SW Shakespeare Co. - Mesa 9 Kathleen Madigan Wild Horse Pass - Chandler 9-30 Gospel of Jefferson ...

AZ Theatre Co. (Tucson) 10 Bill Maher Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 15-5/7 Jurassic Puppets All Puppet Players - Phoenix 29-30 Wayne Brady Tempe Improv thru 4/17 Of Mice and Men AZ Theatre Co. (Phx)

602-254-2151 800-745-3000 480-965-3434 520-740-1000 877-840-0457 623-815-7930 602-258-8219 480-644-6500 877-840-0457 520-622-2823 800-745-3000 602-254-2151 480-921-9877 602-256-6995

1-2 4-8 5-29 6

602-262-2050 480-965-3434 602-256-6995 877-840-0457

MAY

Adult Puppet Slam Annie Gospel of Jefferson ...

David Cross

Great AZ Puppet Theatre ASU Gammage - Tempe AZ Theatre Co. (Phx) Wild Horse Pass - Chandler

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Unhappily

Ever

After

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hat happens when fairytale princesses get married ... but don’t sign a pre-nup? That’s the driving question of the silly, ridiculous, sexy and laughout-loud funny shenanigans going on at Nearly Naked Theatre this month as they present the world premiere of Off-Broadway playwright Buddy Thomas’ newest genderbent comedy, Wonderland Wives.

The premise is simple— or possibly just simply ridiculous. Take the happy endings of your favorite fairytales, add 16 years of marital disaster, throw in a Desperate Housewives feel with a RuPaul casting policy plus an HBO vocabulary, and you have Wonderland Wives. It’s all good, clean fun (except you can’t bring the kids.)

Buddy Thomas, who wrote the OffBroadway hits The Crumple Zone and Devil Boys from Beyond, loved Nearly Naked’s production of Devil Boys so much, he decided to give them first crack at Wives. “We’re so incredibly honored to be the first ones to produce this show,” said artistic director Damon Dering. “Devil Boys was so much fun that we just had to be the first ones to do this. It’s been an absolute blast because the script and this cast are so outrageous.”

What about the cast of characters? It’s a small world after all! There are four classic princesses: “Snow,” “Briar Rose,” “Belle,” and “Cindy.” Snow’s prince has left her, but she remains in denial

about that and exactly who’s the fairest in the land. Belle is leaving Beast because he’s a drunken layabout. Rose just got out of “rehab,” looking younger than ever (hmmmm ...) and Cindy’s Prince Charming just got out of prison, where he worked out—a lot.

It’s all pure mindless fun that opens on April 2 and runs Thursdays through Sundays through April 23 at The Hardes Theatre at Phoenix Theatre. Tickets are available at NearlyNakedTheatre.org or by calling the Phoenix Theatre Box Office at 602-254-2151 As with most Nearly Naked shows, you cannot bring the kiddos to this one.

Believe us, this ain’t Disneyland.

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photos by Leaked Glass Photography WorldDANCE is a professional showcase plus an opportunity for talented artists to network, collaborate and share their unique artistry and cultural dynamics through music and dance. WorldDANCE features live Flamenco singing and dancing, Mexican Folklorico, Spanish Classical, Samba, Burlesque, Indian Classical, and Contemporary, all with Phoenix talent. WorldDANCE founder and creator Carlos Montufar said, “My vision for WorldDANCE is that it will continuously provide a

platform for performing artists to learn from each other, to share the passion of their talent and help build a stronger bond within the arts community. I want WorldDANCE to serve as a bridge–not only to the community–but to each other.”

Experience the breathtaking performances of WorldDANCE at the Phoenix Pride VIP Area. Visit CarlosMontufar.com for more performance dates and times.

CLEODORA She’s a contortionist, aerialist, mermaid, burlesque performer, and producer. Cleodora was a competitive rhythmic gymnast for six years and trained in Mongolian contortion at the San Francisco Circus Center. Now she produces her own monthly shows at the Arizona Event Center. She offers flexibility/ stretching, rhythmic gymnastics and contortion training.

For updates and booking email CleoContortion@gmail.com

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CARLOS MONTUFAR In addition to co-directing Flamenco Por La Vida before branching out on his own, Carlos performed in local flamenco groups Mosaico, Zona Flamenca, Inspiracíon Flamenca, and Flamenco De Leon. Carlos also lent his talents to Scandalesque, Pyrrha Sutra Presents and Scorpius Dance Theatre. In 2015 he created WorldDANCE. Carlos performs regularly at CoR Tapas and Wine in Phoenix and at Casa Vicente in Tucson. He also teaches flamenco arts education. For event information and booking, visit CarlosMontufar.com

OLIVIA ROJAS (pictured left) Olivia began her professional career singing choral and Mexican rancheras.

She sings flamenco cante, touring with Calo Flamenco: Ballet de Martin Gaxiola and Chris Burton Jácome Flamenco Ensemble. Olivia is coowner of Flamenco Por La Vida and performs regularly at Crescent Ballroom and Otro Café. She teaches flamenco cante at 5th Row Dance Studios on Roosevelt Row in Phoenix.

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ANGELA KEETER For over 20 years, Angela’s heart and passion has belonged to the violin. She began playing with mariachis and orchestras. She became a multi-genre musician adding folk, world-music, pop and rock to her repertoire while touring the U.S. and Mexico. She performed at the Hollywood Bowl and as an entertainer at Disneyland. Angela graduated Summa Cum Laude from Arizona State University. Angela has been directing and performing Latin and world-music projects in Arizona and beyond.

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ADAM SMITH This talented, self-taught multi-instrumentalist grew up in the mountains of Kentucky. He began writing songs in his teens after hearing Joni Mitchell’s album, “Blue” (which he says changed his life forever.) Adam has released three full-length studio albums and toured the United States, winning fans with his unique sound.

Adam is working on a new project which will be released this year.

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Phoenix • Roxboro Puerto Vallarta

1940 East Camelback, Phoenix | 602.216.1616

Ellie Goulding

This talented British lass is not only a singer, but songwriter and multi-instrumentalist. Her 2010 album, “Lights” was a chart topper. She even performed at Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding. This soprano with her 3.5 octave range voice comes to Phoenix on Saturday, April 16 where she’ll perform at the Comerica Theatre, 401 W. Washington St. TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000

Diplo

This DJ, record producer, songwriter worked Britney, Shakira, No Doubt, that awful Justin Bieber and others. You might remember his contribution to “Bitch, I’m Madonna” for Madge herself.

He had the most number of Shazams in 2015 and spins on Saturday, April 23 to The Pool at Talking Stick Resort, 9800 E. Indian Bend Rd. in Scottsdale. For tix visit ReleaseVIP.com

CHVRCHES

Since 2011 this Scottish electronic-synthpop band is the heir apparent to Depeche Mode and New Order. They write, record, mix and master all of their music in a basement in Glasgow. Catch a listen on Sunday, April 24 at the Marquee Theatre, 730 N. Mill Ave. in Tempe. For tickets call 480-839-0707 or visit LuckyManOnline.com

APRIL 2016 ION CONCERT CALENDAR DATE 1 7-10 8 9 12 14 16 16 18 22 23 24 29 29 30 MAY 1 2 3 4

ARTIST Belinda Carlisle Country Thunder Elvis Costello Air Supply The Used Carrie Underwood Ellie Goulding The Darkness The Ann Wilson Thing Say Anything Diplo CHVRCHES Atlas Genius, Skylar Grey Clint Black The Mowglis Rihanna Life in Color Violent Femmes Pentatonix

LOCATION Wild Horse Pass - Chandler Florence, AZ Mesa Arts Ctr Wild Horse Pass - Chandler Marquee Theatre - Tempe Talking Stick Resort Arena Comerica Theatre - Phoenix Rialto Theatre - Tucson Rialto Theatre - Tucson Marquee Theatre - Tempe The Pool @ TSR - Scotts.

Marquee Theatre - Tempe Crescent Ballroom - Phoenix Wild Horse Pass - Chandler Crescent Ballrom - Phoenix

PHONE 877-840-0457 866-802-6418 480-644-6500 877-840-0457 480-839-0707 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 520-740-1000 520-740-1000 480-839-0707 ReleaseVIP.com 480-839-0707 602-716-2222 877-840-0457 602-716-2222

Talking Stick Arena - Glendale The Slaughterhouse - Tucson Marquee Theatre - Tempe Comerica Theatre - Phoenix

800-745-3000 LifeInColor.com 480-839-0707 800-745-3000

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Aural Fixation

by Peter Lora pintelonegro@gmail.com

Gwen Stefani

This Is What The Truth Feels Like While Britney descended into madness and a post-Stripped Christina Aguilera took time off to remove all those piercings, a void in popdom appeared.

2004’s Love.Angel.Music.Baby saw 90’s alterna-girl queen Stefani carrying the baton of pop making sure we would all be able to spell b-a-n-a-na-s. The Pharrell produced follow-up Sweet Escape felt like b-sides from its predecessor, making room for Katy, Rihanna and Gaga to pursue unapologetic pop.

Until 2014, Gwen seemed to be comfortable as the freakishly ageless Covergirl, fashion designer and cool mom, but after a messy public split from husband Gavin Rossdale, the “Don’t Speak” auteur was ready to put another heartbreak on record.

This Is What The Truth Feels Like is an apt title for a non-cohesive album with Gwen navigating an awkward place between a breakup and a rebound. The half-hearted hip-hop tracks “Red Flag,” “Asking 4 It” and “Naughty” are equal parts regrettable and forgettable. “Used To Love You” is angry and honest, a reconciliation of an angsty 90’s Gwen and her 00’s pop incarnation. The breezy “Where Would I Be” and disco tinged “Make Me Like You” give us hope that The Truth is really just Gwen figuring it out and she’ll soon remind us why we used to love her so much. Available Now

RuPaul Butch Queen

It’s no coincidence that Butch Queen and RuPaul’s Drag Race arrived hand in hand. RuPaul said if you want the full Drag Race experience “I’ll have music for you, I’ll have t-shirts, I’ll have a candy bar for you if you want.” The title? “Drag queens are like the Marines of the LGBT movement.

Drag queens show up, they suit up, and they’re ready to serve. Butch Queen pays homage to that. If I had a vogue ball, this would be the soundtrack.”

A nod to the must-see documentary Paris Is Burning, Butch Queen is a ball. Borrowing from those legendary queens and the success of progeny Alaska Thunderf*ck, Ru gives us more hilarious spoken word and one-liners than vocals. The lyrics may be a joke but the Vjuan Allure beats are serious and the best Ru’s had since the 90’s. This outing will have “Butch Queens” wishing they could do a death drop.

Available Now

THE DL SONGS TO DOWNLOAD ARTIST - “SONG” Ariana Grande – “Dangerous Woman” Février – “La Montagne” ANOHNI – ”Drone Bomb Me” Poliça – “Lose You” M83 – “Do it, Dry it” The Kills – “Doing It To Death” Adore Delano – “Take Me There” ZAYN – “iT’s YoU” Empress Of – “Woman Is Word” Miike Snow – “My Trigger” April 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 67

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ionazeditor@me.com

Big Wigs & Blood The Making of Trump

(2015) Starring: The Donald Be afraid. Be very afraid. Starting in the 1980s, fatfingered Vulgarian Donald Trump was the “can do” entrepreneur who was arguably the savior of a financially beleaguered New York City. Together with then wife Ivana, they were the toast of the town.

This current, fascinating 90-minute documentary produced by A&E and the History Channel presents an objective portrait of the orange-faced, comb-over creature from his humble beginnings to his megalomaniacal bid for the U.S. presidency.

If only he used his power for good instead of evil.

Available now MSRP $14.98 ★★★★☆

The Danish Girl (2015) Starring: Eddie Redmayne, Alicia Vikander

This romantic drama is based on the 2000 fictional novel of the same name, adapted from a true story. Still, this technicality does not diminish the story’s very real story concerning the issues and pain surrounding life as a transgender person nearly a century ago.

Einar Wegender (Redmayne, The Theory of Everything) harbors the spirit of Lili Elbe. His artist wife, Gerda (Vikander, Anna Karenina), is sympathetic. Despite confusing roadblocks concerning sexual identity, Gerda reconciles herself to honor her marriage while Lily pursues a risky gender reassignment.

Beautifully filmed, the gently unfolding romance, drama and tragedy deserves all the praise and awards. The story will remain with you after the movie is over.

Available now MSRP $14.98 ★★★★★

You’re Killing Me (2015) Starring: Matthew McKelligon, Jeffrey Self

It’s frustrating. You find a hot boyfriend.

Not only is he slow to put out, he kids that he’s a budding serial killer. Except he’s serious.

Hot Matthew McKelligon (EastSiders) is the Dexter-ish Joe, who has a hankerin’ for killing. For fun. He’s dating the selfinvolved George (Self, of Jeffrey & Cole Casserole semi-fame) an aspiring YouTube fame-whore who fails to see danger. (Frankly, I’d be happy to kill him, too.)

This dark comedy is very “L.A.” with what appears to be inside jokes among industry Angelenos. Shining moments with gay indie flick faves like Jack Plotnick, Edi Patterson, Drew Droege stand out. The fab Mindy Cohn (“Natalie” in The Facts of Life) totally steals the otherwise ho-hum show.

Available now MSRP $24.95 ★★☆☆☆ April 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 69

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Elvis and Nixon

Starring: Michael Shannon, Kevin Spacey

The Boss

Starring: Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Bell Michelle Darnell (McCarthy, Identity Thief) is a chic, ball-busting P.T. Barnum-esque business mogul and sent to prison for insider trading. After she’s sprung from the big house she attempts to rebrand herself as America’s Sweetheart. Let’s hope this picture’s better than Tammy and The Heat. It certainly couldn’t be any worse.

Opens April 8

The Jungle Book

Voices of Bill Murray, Ben Kingsley, Scarlett Johansson, Christopher Walken Disney brings the 1894 tale by Rudyard Kipling to the big screen once again in live action plus CGI. Young Mowgli is raised by wolves in the Indian jungle.

The animals he meets mirror the greed and savagery of the “real world.” When Mowgli finally meets humans, he questions his own identity. Sure to be a sweeping and breathtaking blockbuster.

Opens April 15, in 3D, IMAX3D

Some readers may be too young to remember what a giant Elvis Presley was in the music industry and pop culture long before he died and Vegas impersonators made him into a corny, fat, aging, drugaddled joke.

On December 21, 1970, Presley surprised President Richard Nixon when he showed up at the White House, insisting that he be appointed as an undercover agent by the Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs. This comedydrama is loosely based on that historic, bizarre meeting. As usual, Spacey will be amazing. Although Shannon (Boardwalk Empire) looks slightly Herman Munster-like as The King of Rock ‘n’ Roll, his performance is guaranteed to be genius. No doubt this will fly under the radar.

Opens April 22

Keanu

Starring Keegan-Maichael Key, Jordan Peele, Will Forte The Comedy Central duo star as besties (they seem rather gay, especially with a prominent George Michael soundtrack) who infiltrate a street gang to retrieve their kidnapped cat, Keanu. An all-out gang war erupts.

C’mon! There’s a kitten in this movie!

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So Fondue You!

The Melting Pot

Iandf you70s,were around in the 1960s you might remember things

like shag carpeting, color schemes of Harvest Gold or Avocado Green and pictures of wide-eyed Keane children decorating living rooms across America.

With entertaining reaching its zenith, hostesses abandoned pass around hors d’oeuvres and canapés in favor of the an interactive dining experience: fondue.

Fondue parties were all the rage.

Friends would gather over communal chafing dishes filled with cheese or chocolate, spearing bread or fruit onto little forks and dipping them into the sauces. Trends come and go.

You can often find fondue pots in secondhand shops today.

However, don’t discount the camaraderie, fun (and even romance) that accompanies sharing fondue. This experience began around 1699 and evolved into what we know to today around 1875. It’s the national dish of Switzerland and a symbol of Swiss unity. The Swiss have an old saying: „Fondue isch guet und git e gueti Luune.“ (“Fondue is good and creates a good mood.” The Swiss know what they’re talking about.)

where The Melting Pot comes in. They give you a dining experience you’ll always remember.

While you can order à la carte, we highly recommend opting for the exquisite decadence of the 4-Course Experience, including salad, entrée and dessert. You deserve it. (The prices listed reflect the 4-course option.)

Start off with a fresh, crisp salad. We loved the California Salad, with mixed baby salad greens, Roma tomatoes, candied pecans and Gorgonzola cheese with raspberry black walnut vinaigrette.

Or try the Apple Bacon Spinach, tossed fresh spinach, Crimini mushrooms, sliced hardboiled egg and sweet and spicy pecans in an apple bacon vinaigrette and top it all with a haystack of crisp green apples. A Caesar and the Melting Pot Salad are also available. Individually,

Making fondue at home can be a mess.

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carnivorous experience. $42.95 salads average about $7.50 each.

Everybody say, “Cheese!”

This is the hallmark of fondue.

You’ll have six different “fromage” based dips to dip your fresh baked bread in. We picked classic, aged, medium-sharp Cheddar and Emmenthaler Swiss cheeses, spiked with lager beer, garlic and seasoning.

Bacon & Gorgonzola with Butterkase and Fontina cheeses, white wine, garlic and crisp bacon pieces is stronger, if you’re adventurous with your cheese.

Now the true spectacle of The Melting Pot’s expertise begins. You have a choice of four different cooking styles— these are intricate, delectable, boiling broths presented in which to cook your viands. You can’t go wrong with the traditional Coq au Vin style, featuring burgundy wine infused with fresh herbs, spices and mushrooms.

You’ll love the MOJO, Caribbean influenced bouillon with a distinctive fresh-garlic flavor and a citrus flair.

For your entrée, you get a taste of Old New Orleans with the French Quarter. Tuck into premium filet mignon, all natural chicken breast, Pacific white shrimp with Cajun spices and seasonings and Andouille sausage for a 76

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You can’t go wrong with The Classic. This is the most popular combination with certified Angus beef sirloin, Memphisstyle BBQ pork medallions, Pacific white shrimp, herbcrusted all natural breast of chicken and teriyaki-marinated sirloin. $47.95 Get a bit of everything with Fondu Delight. Sample premium filet mignon and succulent cold water lobster tail, all-natural chicken breast, Pacific white shrimp and wild mushroom sacchetti (similar to a kind of tortellini). $49.95 A Steak Lovers as well as Land & Sea are other great options.

The Melting Pot experience makes for a memorable “romantic” experience, but it’s also fun with a few intimate friends, too.

A tradition says that if a man loses his bread in the pot, he buys drinks all around, and if a woman does, she must kiss her neighbors. And remember the cardinal rule of fondue: No doubledipping, please. C’mon, now!

The Melting Pot

3626 E. Ray Rd. in Ahwatukee 480-704-9206 MeltingPot.com

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Prismatic

Pride

Photos by Scotty Kirby.

So many people contribute time, energy and lots of love to make our LGBT community special.

We’re proud to announce the 8th Annual ION Arizona 2016 Prismatic Pride honorees.

Thank you!

Juan Hinojos & Sabre Collins

Rising Stars The world is getting better with these two young people, the winners of the QU Scholarship! Sabre is majoring Social Work and aspires to help LGBTQ youth. He is active in the trans community. Juan will be attending ASU, majoring in Global Studies with the Class of 2020. He has ambitions to be an ambassador or U.S. Senator.

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Rebecca Wininger

Passion Award Rebecca is passionate about LGBT civil rights. She quit her job to focus on fighting for marriage equality and the Bathroom Bill and SB1062 (The “AntiGay Bill.” She was the first to testify against it.) “I try to be the voice of those in our community who aren’t in a position to speak. The injustice to those disenfranchised in our LGBTQ community deserve to have a champion every day. I just try to be one of those champions when I can.” Her partner, Wendi Sorensen, supported them during Rebecca’s crusade. They will be married this April 17. Congratulations!

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Edward Castro

Most Valuable Volunteer “Yes” should be Edward’s middle name.

Since 2014 Edward volunteered to help the Entertainment Committee at the Phoenix Pride Festival and he’s the Assistant Entertainment Manager for the Rainbows Festival.

He also served on the committee for “Barbra Seville’s Wonderful 100” team for AIDS Walk Phoenix.

Further afield, Edward volunteered for San Diego Pride Music Festival in 2015. President Barack Obama was elected in 2008 because Edward was a volunteer with his campaign.

True story.

(Well ...)

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Ignite Program - Community Outreach IGNITE is Southwest Center for HIV/AIDS outreach project to encourage and support the sexual health of gay men and the gay community. They interact with Phoenix’s gay community, distributing safer sex materials, volunteering at free HIV testing events, and talk openly about safer sex, HIV and STDs. The project’s goal is to normalize the conversation and eliminate the stigma around safer sex and HIV. Update your status. Protect yourself. Get tested.

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Jacqueline Ariel - Fantastic Fundraiser “I love doing anything community based,” says the pert ‘n’ perky Jacqueline, a professional hair designer. “I donate hair styling and fashion ideas to help when I can.” Beyond her mad skills, she’s raised money for AIDS Walk Phoenix, competed in Dancing with the Bars 2015 raising over $5,000 for Aunt Rita’s Foundation and nearly $1,000 for the one•n•ten Fresh Brunch. “The youth there are amazing and teach me so much,” Jacqueline raves.

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Sen. Katie Hobbs

Straight Ally

A social worker concerned with issues like domestic violence, behavioral health and homelessness, Sen. Hobbs also worked tirelessly to improve our community and to fight back against extremists trying to take over the state.

She was part of the vanguard for Marriage Equality in Arizona. A great friend of the LGBT community demanding equal protection, Sen. Hobbs is also a strong voice against LGBT bullying in our schools.

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Rev. Elizabeth Youngberg of

UCC Rebel & Divine Unsung Heroes

Rebel and Divine is a faith community. Eclectic and diverse, they feed, clothe, bathe, educate and support Phoenix area LGBTQ youth and young adults. Traditional “church” doesn’t work here. They worship, discuss faith, sing and celebrate weekly. With the guidance of Rev. Elizabeth Youngberg, they are a safe place, unifying young, old, gay, straight, queer, Christians and all religions. You are welcome here.

917 E. Sheridan St. Visit RebelDivineUCC.org for more

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George Johnson & Naomi St. James Mister & Miss Phoenix Pride “I’m honored to be making history as the first biomale performer to become Mr. Phoenix Pride,” says George. “I want to show the community who we are!” The talented Naomi St. James says, “I’m very honored to represent the trans-community as the first trans-woman to win Phoenix Pride.” Together they will be responsible for raising funds for Phoenix Pride Scholarships.

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Daniel O’Leary

Mr. Phoenix Leather Phoenix, Arizona Leatherman Daniel O’Leary hopes to do the Copper State proud this May when he competes for the title of International Mister Leather in Chicago. Daniel hopes to spread his message of body and sex positivity and to encourage everyone to step outside their comfort zone and try something new.

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Photo by Franklin Diaz

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Vol. 9, Issue 11

April 2016

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

“Madonna Dearest!”

Son Rocco Pens OUTRAGEOUS! Tell-All Book LONDON – It’s no secret that the Material Girl’s estrangement from her son Rocco Ritchie, 15, is contentious and no holiday since he opted to live with dad, Guy Ritchie, Madge’s exhusband. The teen lives to tell a scandalous tome where he will express himself about life with the girl gone wild.

“I was living on a borderline with Mum,” said Rocco.

“Just when we got into the groove she was frozen. A total unapologetic bitch. I couldn’t keep it together.

ANY RESEMBLANCE Every 4 minutes she was TO causing a commotion. It was no celebration.”

“Rescue me,” begged Rocco to his father, mediocre film director Guy Ritchie. “Mom just turns up the radio and says, ‘Nothing really matters.’”

Rocco and the housekeeper often found the Queen of Pop drunk in her bedroom after a shopping spree. She would send him to bed hungry when he refused to eat his supper.

OUTRAGEOUS!

“She once cut off all my hair when she found me imitating her,” Rocco claims.

THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY “This is totalACCIDENTAL bullshit,” said

Young Rocco recounts horrifying nightmares of American Life with Madonna when she would wake him after a bedtime story making him scrub the bathroom floor, beating him with wire hangers and strangling him in front of reporters.

Madonna. “This is the same stupid story about Joan Crawford and her daughter, Christina! I’m asking Rocco, ‘Open your heart! There’s no substitute for love!” Mama don’t preach!

OUTRAGEOUS!

Fans are hoping for a ray of light to this sad tale.

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OUTRAGEOUS! Last Man Trapped in AOL Chatroom Rescued

OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS! ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

NEW YORK – America Online “I logged on one night in 1993,” Perry headquarters announced the discovery and recalled. “I wasn’t able to leave! That night subsequent release of Albert Perry, 79, of there were probably 50 members in the Boulder, Colorado, who was trapped in room. Users came and went. Slowly they the long defunct ancient inter relay chat dwindled. Finally, I was the only one left in program.

“Rooms” allowed groups of he sobbed. “I couldn’t log out!”

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTHthere,” IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL individuals to communicate who shared common interests back in the 1990s.

“We are glad that Mr. Perry has been ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL liberated from the chatroom.

We didn’t think Perry logged into a chatroom under the anybody was left in the rooms anymore,” handle “2Much2Touch” in a popular said one AOL executive. “Frankly, we didn’t chatroom designated as “Men 4 Men,” even know anybody used AOL anymore. frequented by homosexuals who enjoyed This means that we just lost our last discussing a variety of homosexual subscriber.” related topics of shared interest with other homosexuals, like figure skating, most Perry said that he is looking forward to likely.

Whitney Houston’s latest album.

OUTRAGEOUS!

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WINKS are like Spring chickens. They’ll either feed off of the farmyard drama or they’ll gobble up scattered grains of good advice from Mother Hen. Hunties, this month’s Favorite Bitch® is all about Troublesome Twinks. At the rate these boys are going, it won’t take long for them to go from savory chicken dumplings to a discarded bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken!

Dear Miss Tiger, I’m 22 and I work a part-time job. I live paycheck to paycheck. My roommate knew this when I moved in. We always end up fighting when I come home with any type of shopping bag. He accuses me of spending my rent money at the mall. He doesn’t understand that I’m buying on credit and not with real money.

Help!

— Chance Dear Chances Are You Need Full Time Employment, If ‘real money’ is what you’re after, then take your twink-ass down to a gay bar on stripper night and make those coins, hunty!

If ya twerk it real good, you’ll have plenty of rent money and the roommate off your back. Speaking of your back, try lying on it ... and perhaps you’ll find a sugar daddy who’ll pay for your retail therapy and an apartment of your own.

Dear Miss Tiger, My lover, Tony, is 20 years older than me. He also has a husband. His crew thinks I’m a whore who’s using him for his money. It ain’t my fault he gives me that

money. It’s also not my fault that Tony and his man are in an open relationship.

You got some advice on how I can get his friends to believe we’re for real?

— Joaquín Dear Reality Check, After Tony creams in your cake, gets dressed to go home to his husband and then gives you money to “buy yourself something pretty” ... do you feel like his BOYFRIEND or his WHORE? Dear Miss Tiger, I’m 19-years-old and I just came out.

I’ve only topped guys who shaved their pubic hair. I don’t know how I even got crabs from somebody! Where do crabs come from? I love your column, Miss Tiger! Can you help me?

— Danny Dear Hmmm ... I Wonder How You Scored On The SAT, Who the hell knows where you picked up those coochie critters, sugar pie! I am certain of one thing though ... you definitely got ‘em from being a slut and not from divine intervention.

P.S. I love you too, boo! Now take your ass to Walmart and buy a box of RID! Need advice? Write, Tweet or Facebook me and get the goddamn answers you’ve been looking for!

MISS TIGER Advice Columnist • SiriusXM radio personality ... and everyone’s #FAVORITEBITCH Website FavoriteBitch.com Facebook /MissTiger Advice ask@misstiger.com April 2016 WWW.IONAZ.COM 111

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by Addison DeWitt

M arch comes in like a lion! And

so did the vote-hungry candidates lusting for the nomination C for President of the United States of ‘Murica.

The Bernmeister spoke in the Ag Barn at the Arizona State Fairgrounds where the poultry is usually exhibited.

See that tiny, little, angry, white head in the distance? (C) That’s Bernie. Here’s a close-up of Bernie waving, too. (D) They both love homosexuals and urge you to vote for them.

A

B

Rallies! Rallies!

Rallies! (Ever the D intrepid journalist, I carried my supersecret FBI-proof uncrackable code camera-pen to take some pictures.)

Madame Secretary Hillary Clinton flew to Phoenix prior to Super Tuesday.

Here (A) we see just how excited Secretary Clinton was to see local superfan Jake Jamison (B).

She wore a lovely contrasting pantsuit just for the occasion (that’s Clinton, I’m talking about) for the snapshot, suitable for framing. “I want to run barefoot through your hair,” she told him. Well, not quite exactly in those words. But she is crazy about Jake’s gorgeous hair and told him so. Honest.

Can you blame her?

Fellow Dem, good ol’ rabble-rouser Bernie Sanders came to Phoenix, too.

E

F

That fat fart-knocker Trump was here, too. His rally looked remarkably like a fire at a recycling plant. (E) Or maybe it was a cross-burning they held. Can’t you feel the love?

Do you like candles? Me, too! I went to the The Anvil and, boy! was I surprised! This candle lady was pouring hot wax all over this super cute, comely young man. (F) And he let her! This was not a Partylite Candle event, let me tell you.

Celebrity drag queen Lady Bunny made a glam appearance at the fancy-schmancy Mitchell Gold + Bob Williams Furniture Store. There she proceeded to manhandle Carrick Sears (G). (But who wouldn’t wanna do that?

Seriously.)

I’m sure that Hillary, G Bernie, Lady Bunny, Jake, Carrick and that awfully cute boy covered in wax all want to wish you a Happy Pride.

But not the Donald.

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incompoops. Idiots. Dimwits. Ninnies.

Morons. April fools abound! Just make sure you’re not played for a fool. The New Moon on April 7 transitions change. The alignment with Uranus links the past and future. This is an exciting time! Saturn brings structured change. All possibilities are on the table. Achievement and goals are the result of an intense experience. A radical change indicates that you’d better prepare a “To Do” list. If you don’t, some shithead is bound to screw things up for you. No fooling.

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 “Wise men don’t need advice. Fools won’t take it,” said Ben Franklin. You’re nobody’s fool, proving your wisdom in a sticky situation. Birthday Rams get a round of applause for hard work.

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20 Fake people are like fool’s gold: it’s everywhere and worthless. You discover the value of true friends. Birthday Bulls win a valuable contest. The bragging rights boost your credibility.

Gemini May 21 - June 21 Why do birds sing so gay? Lovers await the break of day? Why do fools fall in love?

Even the stars and planets can’t always tell. Someone tickles your fancy. Already in love? April Love strengthens the bond.

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22 Someone out there is trying to take advantage of your gullibility. (Maybe it’s a Leo, see above.) This month it proves prudent to be wary. Like the old saying goes, “Fool me once, shame on you ...”

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22 “... Fool me twice, shame on me.” Oh, honey ... Really now? You fall for an old trick once again. It may be from a friend or co-worker. Just like your mouth and genitals, be careful where you put your trust.

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23 “A fool’s paradise is a wise man’s hell.”

Your ability to analyze any situation makes you naturally suspicious. This is a good thing. You’ll avoid a trap that others can’t avoid. You have the last laugh.

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23 “Fool the world: tell the truth.” In a day where lies and Republicans abound, it seems you have the voice of one crying in the wilderness, as they say. Stand up for what’s right. Or sit down. Whichever’s most comfortable.

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20 “Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.”

Watch your step, missy! Time to do a reconnaissance mission before you follow that “sure thing.” A true opportunity lies ahead.

Cancer June 22 - July 22 Your natural ability for theatrics and genuine charisma gives you the ability to get away with just about anything. This proves that you can fool some of the people some of the time ...

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 Itchy nose? This means you’ll be kissing a fool soon. You have your eye on somebody who has more a lot more than your nose itching. Otherwise you may have to buy a prescription topical cream to get rid of that itch.

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22 ... but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time. You tried to pull a fast one but it backfired. This is uncharacteristic of your naturally trustworthy nature. Honesty is the best policy.

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 “Fortune favors fools,” said Samuel Johnson. In other words, “Dumb fucks have all the luck.” Uranus’s conjunction with the Sun on April 9 allows for unusual self-expression. This means: get naked.

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