ION Arizona #162

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BARBRA SEVILLE’S DRAG RACE

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BEARRACUDA

THE ROCK

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MiLITARY BALL

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CARNAVAL LATINO

KARAMBA NIGHTCLUB

PARTY CAM

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30TH ANNIVERSARY PARTY

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CHARLIE’S PHOENIX

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THANKSGIVING WEEKEND

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STACY’S @ MELROSE

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3819 North 3rd Street Suite 26, Phoenix, AZ 85012 (602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com ionarizona@me.com Publisher / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero ............................................ jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ..................................................... kbushaw@me.com Editor Deon Brown ................................................... ionazeditor@me.com COPY EDITOR .......................................................... Austin Head GRAPHIC DESIGNER ......................................... Angel Jimenez SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR ..................... Stacey Jay Cavaliere PRODUCTION & Artwork SUBMISSIONS

ionazproduction@me.com Advertising Sales Jack Tesorero, .......................................................... (602) 750-1164

jacktesorero@me.com

Danny Catt, Regional Sales Director ......................... (520) 429-5905

ionazsales@me.com

Photographers:

Fernando Hernandez Danny Catt Sean Kapera

Paul Tibbles Scotty Kirby Franklin Diaz

National Advertising Representative Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 ContributORS:

Stacey Jay Cavaliere Addison DeWitt C. Edwards Ted Kirby

Peter Lora Paul Sanchez Miss Tiger

Published monthly by

1995-2014: 19 Years of Design and Creative Excellence Š 2014 JMT Designs, Inc.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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‘Twas the Night Before ION (Apologies to Clement Clarke Moore) ‘Twas the night before ION, when all through the Valley Not a creature was stirring, not even deadmau5.

The nylon stockings were hung by the stage with care, In hopes that ION soon would be there.

The gaybies were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of strippers danced in their heads.

Barbra in her boa and I in my thong, Had just started our night and could do no wrong.

When out at the bar there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my pole to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I stood in my flesh, Tore open the shutter, and threw up in the trash.

When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear, But a miniature mag by 12 tiny great elves.

“Now Deon! Now Kevin!

Now, Scotty and Franklin!

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On, Peter! On, Austin!

On, Sean and Stacy Jay! On, Danny and Angel, On, Ted! On, Paul!”

With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be Just Jack.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, And fill’d all the racks; then turn’d with a jerk, “To the front of mag!

To the top of the world!

Now read away! Read away!

Read away all!”

He sprung to his truck, and patrons gave a whistle, and away he flew fast, cause he had to hustle But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight “Happy Holidays to all, and to all a good night.”

Thanks for a great year, everybody!

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Charlie’s 22 Days of Christmas The spirit of the season never ends here! Men of Charlie’s Contest, a Toy Drive, a Motown Christmas, a Heatwave Christmas, a bake sale, and, of course, lots and lots of Pussy! Be part of the holiday tradition at the lil’ bitty ol’ pissant country place right in the middle of the Big City. The 22 Days of Christmas happen at Charlie’s from December 5-24. 727 W. Camelback Rd. See ad p. 15

“Cowboy Nights” at Stacy’s Yee-haw! Home on the range was never quite like this! Come meet the Men of HomoRodeo.com Calendar Models when they come to Stacy’s @Melrose on Friday, December 12 at 8 p.m. and Saturday, December 13 at 9 p.m. This fundraiser will benefit Joshua Tree Feeding Program,. 4343 N. 7th Ave. in Phoenix. 602-264-1700

Phoenix Men’s Chorus Holiday Concert Help yourself to some Holiday cheer when the Phoenix Metropolitan Men’s Chorus brighten the Yuletide with a special night of music with “Naughty, Nice, Sugar & Spice” featuring the Omaggio Youth Chorus. Fri. December 12 at 8 p.m. Sat. December 13 at 7 p.m. and Sunday, December 14 at 2 p.m. at the John Paul Theatre at Phoenix College, 1202 W. Thomas Rd. Visit PhoenixMensChorus.org for tickets & info. See ad on p. 79

The Twisted Peacock Grand Opening The old icepics is opening again! New name, New owners, new management, new specials and much more!

Come to the big Grand Opening celebrations December 19-21 where there will drinking, dancing and Arizona’s own stand-up comedian, Thai Rivera on Sunday, Dec. 21 3108 E. McDowell Rd. in Phoenix. See ad on p. 25

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New Year’s Eve Bid farewell to 2014 and hello to 2015! It’s New Year’s Eve, baby! Out with the old and in with the new!

Pucker up and get ready to kiss somebody at midnight! Check out the New Year’s Eve ads throughout this issue of ION for your favorite bars and clubs and get ready to party like it’s 1999! Well, except it’s 2015. You know what we mean.

Kobalt’s “Adventures in Hangovers” Start out the New Year saying, “What in the hell did I do last night?” at Kobalt for their 7th Annual “Adventures in Hangovers” party! Who cares if you’ve got bed-head?

Throw on your ‘jammies, robe or a housecoat and get a little of the hair of the dog that bit you the night before at their Bloody Mary and Mimosa Bars, plus dig in to breakfast and pizza. The doors open at 8 a.m. with a drag show later that night. See ad on p. 10

DECEMBER 2014 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE

EVENT

LOCATION

CITY

Mon. Weds.

Fri. Sat. Sun. 5-26 11 12 12 12-13 12-14 13 13 18-21 19-21 21 24 25

Ladie’s Night Twisted Peacock Karaoke Twisted Peacock Freaky ASS Fridays Twisted Peacock Retro 80s/Goth Twisted Peacock $1 Domestic Drafts Twisted Peacock 22 Days of Christmas Charlie’s Barbra Seville’s Golden Wig Head Awards Karamba Festival of Trees Arizona Center Red Light Night The Rock Men of HomoRodeo.com Stacy’s Phx Men’s Chorus Holiday Concerts Phx College Black Party Karamba Underwear Auction OZ Merry XXXmas Party Dick’s Cabaret Twisted Peacock Grand Opening Posada Navidena Karamba Holiday Peacock Party Twisted Peacock Xmas Potluck OZ

Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix

1

Adventures in Hangovers

Phoenix

JANUARY

Kobalt

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Marching Mistletomosexuals Join in the fun with Phoenix’s first gay version of Santarchy/ Santacon, an annual mass gathering of people dressed in Santa Claus costumes parading publicly on streets and in bars in cities around the world. The focus for this event is on spontaneity and creativity, while having a good time and spreading cheer and goodwill. It’s a Santa-themed bar crawl with awesome costumes, misfit toys, Santa Claus of course, and more fun than you can shake a candy cane at!

Here’s a brief lowdown on the ho-hoho lowdown with some general rules: FIRST: Wear a costume. The true Santacon/Santarchy uniform is a Santa suit.

The March of the Mistletomosexuals is “gay Santarchy,” so our group is naturally more creative and definitely more flamboyant.

Wear lights, tinsel, and glitter! Be a reindeer, or an elf if you want. Heck, be a Grinch if you like.

SIMPLY WEARING A SANTA HAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE (unless you’re otherwise nearly naked, which is hot, though illegal in public.) Not wearing a full costume is lame and we will NOT let you play our reindeer games.

SECOND: Yes, it’s our own “Santarchy,” but we are by no means anarchists. Please behave responsibly.

1. BRING YOUR I.D. You will not be allowed in a bar without proper identification.

2. Santa is not cheap. You pay with CASH so don’t hold up the lines and no complain, bitching or carping about it.

3. You will be courteous to the public. Feel free to bring candy to give to people you meet on the street. No drunken disorderliness, please.

4. At any location, we’ll linger just long enough for one quick drink.

Stay with your group and shove off to another welcoming watering hoho-hole.

5. If a bar is too crowded, go ahead to the next bar with a group of Santas. Never wander off alone!

6. Bring enough cash to take a Discount Cab home. Uber is always a great idea, too!

THIRD: Please do not get tipsy and walk around alone. Again, stay in a gang of Santas. When the night is over, don’t walk back to your sleigh or to the North Pole alone. (If you’re tipsy, call a Discount Cab or Uber.) Everyone’s goal is to get back to the workshop safe, alone, or with one or more Santas!

FOURTH: Be outgoing! Have FUN. SING! CHANT! CHEER! Get yourself on the Naughty List (in a good way.)

December 20 at 7 p.m.

Kick-off at Charlie’s 727 W. Camelback Rd. Schedule TBA Search for “Marching Mistletomosexuals” on Facebook to join in the festivities and find out more!

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SATURDAY NIGHT

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BAR1

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The Golden Wighead Awards As Miss Phoenix Pride, the Blonde One teams up with the unstoppable Mr. Phoenix Pride Eddie Broadway to present “Barbra Seville’s Golden Wighead Awards 2014.” The best of the best are recognized for their integrity, creativity, glamour and “realness” for this coveted award. This event benefits Phoenix Pride Scholarship Fund. Miss Gay America 2015, Blair Williams, will take the stage and help salute Arizona’s brightest in the biz. Thursday, December 11 at Karamba, 1724 E. McDowell Rd. in Phoenix. See ad pg. 80

DECEMBER 2014 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE

TIME LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S)

Sun 7

7:00pm

Fri 27

10:00pm The Rock

BS West

Miss BS West Pageant Lady Christian’s Trailer Trash Revue

Thurs 11

TBA

Charlie’s

Christmas Giveaway with Nevaeh & Clayton

Thurs 18

TBA

Karamba

Linda Ronstadt Tribute with Ruby

Tues 23

TBA

Charlie’s

Employee Turnabout Show

Friday 26

TBA

Charlie’s

Pussy LeHoot’s Annual Regifting Show

Thurs 1/1

8:00am

Kobalt

Mondays

10:00pm Charlie’s

Adventures in Hangovers with TC, Barbra, Celia, & Tyra Claudia B Hosts Nearly Nekkid Men

Mondays

10:00pm Apollo’s

Naughty or Nice Bingo

Tuesday

10:00pm Karamba

Savannah Moussier’s Show

Wednesdays 9:00pm

IBT’s

Viva La DIVA

Wednesdays 9:00pm

Kobalt

Garden Variety Revue with Olivia Gardens

Wednesdays 10:30pm Karamba 10:00pm

Karamba Girls - Adriana Galiano & Karime Lizaldi

Charlie’s Nevaeh’s High Heels & Halos

Thursdays

10:30pm Crescent Ballroom Olivia Gardens hosts Truth, Drag or Dare

Thursdays

10:30pm Karamba

Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds

Fridays

10:30

Special Event Rotating Drag Shows

The Rock

Fridays

7:00pm

OZ

Ruby Reynolds with the Boys of OZ

Fridays

9:00pm

Plazma

Freaky Fridays with Celia Putty

IBT’s

Fridays

9:00pm

Fridays

10:00pm Cruisin’ 7th

Fridays

9:00pm

1st Saturday 9:30pm

Absolutely Flawless with China Collins The Barbra Seville Show

BS West

Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers

Kobalt

Taylor Made with TC Taylor & Special Guests

Saturdays

8:00pm

OZ

Saturday Night Showgirlz with Ruby

Saturdays

9:00pm

IBT’s

Starrletts with Janee Star

Saturdays

10:30pm Cruisin’ 7th

The Fabulous Mia Inez Adams

Saturdays

10:00pm The Rock

The Barbra Seville Show

Saturdays

9:30pm

Charlie’s

Pussy’s Patio Show

Sundays

8:30pm

Charlie’s

Pussy LeHoot & Friends

Sundays

10:30pm Karamba

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Mary Poppins She’s practically perfect in every way!

Everybody’s favorite (if not a little formidable) nanny comes to the Banks’ household where everything is spit-spot in a jiffy, thanks to Mary. She’s supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! This Best Musical Tony winner is staged by Phoenix Theatre through December 28. 100 E. McDowell Rd. in Phoenix. For tix visit PhoenixTheatre.com or call 602-254-2151

Year of the Rooster Cock-a-doodle, doo! Gil’s miserable life working at McDonald’s and caring for his ailing mom has one way out: Odysseus Rex, his rooster he’s nurtured for cockfighting. Will he be Gil’s salvation? Abundant humor with dark undercurrents. December 5-20 at Stray Cat Theatre, Tempe Performing Arts Ctr., 132 E. 6th St. in Tempe. For tix call 480-227-1766 or visit StrayCatTheatre.org. This is something to crow about!

Murder for Two Mixing zany, madcap, musical comedy “whodunit?” A hilarious send-up of Agatha Christie-style mysteries with a twist: it’s all performed by two actors playing 13 roles—and a piano! TUCSON: thru Dec. 20. Box Office: 520-622-2823. PHX: Dec. 31-Jan. 18. Box Office: 602-256-6995 or visit ArizonaTheatre.org for tix.

DECEMBER 2014 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE EVENT LOCATION 2-7 Pippin ASU Gammage 4-21 A Bloody Mary Christmas Space 55 5 A Sondheim Evening UofA Centennial Hall 5 Bob Newhart Wild Horse Pass 5-20 Year of the Rooster Stray Cat Theatre 7 Dana Carvey Tempe Improv 12 Joe Rogan Celebrity Theatre 12-14 Beauty and the Beast UofA Centennial Hall 12-21 Something About December iTheatre Collaberative thru 20 Murder for Two - TUCSON AZ Theatre Co. thru 21 A Tuna Christmas Mesa Encore Theatre thru 28 Mary Poppins Phoenix Theatre thru 28 White Christmas AZ B’way Theatre 29 An Evening with Kevin Smith Tempe Improv 31 Brian Regan Comerica Theatre 31 Paula Poundstone Mesa Arts Center 31-1/18 Murder for Two - PHX AZ Theatre Co.

PHONE 480-965-3434 Space55.org 520-621-3341 wingilariver.com 480-227-1766 480-921-9877 602-267-1600 520-621-3341 602-258-9481 520-622-2823 480-644-6500 602-254-2151 623-776-8400 480-921-9877 602-379-2800 480-644-6500 602-256-6995

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Fleetwood Mac Oooh, you make lovin’ fun! One of the quintessential bands of the 1970s and 80s featuring the original Gold Dust Woman, Stevie Nicks herself and the rest of the band (including longtime holdout Christine McVie) hit the road! They’ll be here Wednesday, December 10 at the US Airways Center, 201 E. Jefferson St. in Phoenix. Get your tickets (if there’s any left!) at TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000

Melissa Etheridge Out ‘n’ proud rocker chick Melissa brings her new “This is M.E.” tour to town where she’ll perform new songs and her greatest hits, “Come To My Window,” “I’m The Only One” and more! Catch her Tuesday, December 9 at the intimate Mesa Arts Center, 1 E. Main St.. For tickets call 480-644-6500 or go to MesaArtsCenter.com

Mannheim Steamroller It’s not quite the Holidays without the thundering arrangements of Christmas and Holiday crowd-pleasing classical-synth pop rock music. Tempe: Fri. Dec. 26 at ASU Gammage, 1200 S. Forest Ave. Tix: 480-965-3434 or ASUgammage.com. Tucson: Sat. Dec. 27 at UofA Centennial Hall, 1020 E. University Blvd. Tix: UApresents.org or 520-621-3341

DECEMBER 2014 ION Concert Calendar DATE ARTIST LOCATION 4 John Prine Celebrity Theatre 5 A Sondheim Evening UofA Centennial Hall 6 Pink Martini Scotts. Ctr. for the Arts 6 Patti LaBelle Wild Horse Pass 7 Phillip Phillips Celebrity Theatre 9 Melissa Etheridge Mesa Arts Center 10 Fleetwood Mac US Airways Center 10 Ryan Adams ASU Gammage 11-13 Pedrito Martinez Club Congress 11 Charlie Daniels Band Celebrity Theatre 12 Handel’s Messiah Mesa Arts Center 12 -14 Phx Men’s Chorus Phx College 13 Alice Cooper’s Xmas Pudding Comerica Theatre 15 Brian Setzer Orchestra Celebrity Theatre 16 The Piano Guys Comerica Theatre 26 Mannheim Steamroller ASU Gammage 27 Bret Michaels Wild Horse Pass Casino 27 Mannheim Steamroller UofA Centennial Hall JANUARY 3 Beach Boys Tucson Arena 3 Willie Nelson Desert Diamond Casino- Sahuarita 4 Willie Nelson Celebrity Theatre

PHONE 602-267-1600 520-621-3341 480-499-TKTS 800--WIN-GILA x 7370 602-267-1600 480-644-6500 800-745-3000 480-965-3434 877-987-6487 602-267-1600 480-644-6500 phoenixmenschorus.org 800-745-3000 602-267-1600 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 800--WIN-GILA x 7370 520-621-3341 520-297-7777 602-267-1600

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Aural Fixation

by Peter Lora pintelonegro@gmail.com

Azealia Banks Broke

With Expensive Taste

It seemed as though a true debut album from Azealea Banks was never going to happen. Three years have passed since the New York underground rap prodigy thrust herself into stardom with her profane breakthrough hit “212.” Critically acclaimed EPs like 1991 and Fantasea satiated eager fans and it seemed that a perfect storm was being set for Banks to assume the role of high priestess of rap over contemporaries Minaj and the other Azalea, Iggy. After disagreements with her label, Banks was released from her contract along with her body of work.

Broke is an eclectic collection of 16 songs that borrows from her previous EPs. Songs like “212”, “BBD”, “Luxury” and “Soda” are just as good a second time around. “Idle Delilah,” “Ice Princess” and “Desperado” Banks, fuses Deep House and early 90s dance music to create a background her rap skills glide above. “Nude Beach a Go-Go” instantly sticks out; it’s pure 60s surf rock. The most impressive moment happens with “Gimme a Chance” a postdisco bass-heavy romp transitioning into a smooth meringue where Banks sings and raps in impeccable Spanish.

Bette Midler It’s the

Girls!

Taylor’s “Shake it Off,” Pharrell’s “Happy” and Meghan Trainor’s “All About that Bass.” These songs borrow from the sound perfected by girl groups

of the 1960s. Who better to deliver a canon of the girl group standards than bathhouse performer and actress, the Divine Miss M? Bette salutes girl group sounds of The Shirelles, The Chiffons and The Ronettes. She conquers “Be My Baby,” “Too May Fish in the Sea” and “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?” This isn’t unfamiliar ground for Midler whose debut album covered “Chapel of Love,” “Leader of the Pack” and the Andrews Sisters’ WWII hit, “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy.” She revisits this vintage syncopated style with her impeccable cover of “Bei Mir Bist Du Schon.” At the heart of the album is a duet with iconic background singer Darlene Love, “He’s Sure The Boy I Love.”

The only hiccup is Midler’s country arrangement of the Supremes’ “You Can’t Hurry Love.” It’s far reaching and would’ve otherwise been a high point on this fun and well-executed collection. The wind beneath the wings of this album is Midler’s take on TLC’s “Waterfalls.” The simple arrangement makes way for the lyrics to be heard in Midler’s motherly monologue approach.

Azealia Banks

THE DL SONGS TO DOWNLOAD ARTIST SONG Azealia Bank “Gimme a Chance Bette Midler “Waterfalls” Beyonce “7/11” Calvin Harris “Pray to God Feat. HAIM” Benzel “Wasted Love” Charli XCX “Gold Coins” Willow “3” Father John Misty “Bored in the USA” Jessie Andrews “The Feeling” Arca ”Thievery” June 2014 www.IONAZ.com 45 December 2014 www.IONAZ.com 45

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Gab and Gods

ionazeditor@me.com

The Merv Griffin Show Before Jay Leno and David Letterman there was Merv Griffin, a pioneer of the talk show genre. From 19621986 Merv chatted and schmoozed with more than 25,000 of the most interesting and important celebrities, artists and even a few presidents of the 20th century.

With his warm, chummy style he interviewed guests on over 4,200 shows. With lots and lots of smoking.

A massive 12-DVD set of Merv’s talk show is out.

You’ll see some of the most fascinating people of the day sharing amazing stories.

All with nary a word about the idiotic Kardashians.

Peek into history when you see artists like Andy Warhol. The famously bizarre surrealist Salvador Dalí discuss why he is “the greatest artist” in his own not so humble opinion. Laugh with comedians Phyllis Diller, Totie Fields, Richard Pryor, and a youthful Jerry Seinfeld. Designers, writers, filmmakers and sports heroes (like Bruce Jenner before he got all weird) and more—like The Golden Girls cast. Sadly, because of copyright restrictions many performances by the great singers have been edited. Some personalities may not grab your attention, but the very young Whitney Houston will.

The show is a fascinating look at Americans’ interests—especially since everything is “dumbed down” on talk TV today. Despite

Merv’s sometimes unctuous sucking up, (“Oooh! That’s interesting, Zsa Zsa!”) he shines chatting with presidents or acknowledging the omnipresent Miss Miller, a staple in studio audiences. (“Hello, Miss Miller!

Welcome!”)

Rumors of homosexuality hounded Griffin, who also created game shows Jeopardy! and Dance Fever. Griffin died in 2007, his gravestone reads, “I will not be right back after this message.” Oh, Merv!

If you love TV, American and entertainment history, this is a “must.” Don’t remember Merv? I’ll bet your parents or grandparents will. A perfect gift for the holidays.

Available now. List price: $129.99

★★★★★ Hercules

Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Irina Shayk, John Hurt Why is it that in movies about the ancient gods everybody speaks with a British accent?

Beginning with a Cliff’s Notes version telling about the Seven Labors of Hercules, the demigod (Johnson, WWF), is summoned by the King of Thrace (Hurt, Harry Potter franchise) as a sword-forhire mercenary to combat the hellish descendants of Hades.

Lots of elaborate battles and scored with loud French horns. Visually entertaining.

Available now on Bluray. List price $24.99

★★☆☆☆

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ionazeditor@me.com

Arts & (Witch)Crafts

Into The Woods

James Corden, Emily Blunt, Meryl Streep, Anna Kendrick, anybody who’s anybody in Hollywood Show Tune Queens, rejoice! Remember when you were a kid and wished all of your favorite storybook characters could all be together? Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it. James Lapine and Stephen Sondheim took that idea, casting the principles from several of Grimm’s grim fairy tales, weaving the plots of those tales together and following them when they discover the consequences of their wishes and quests.

The Baker (Corden, soon to succeed Craig Ferguson on CBS’s Late Late Show) and his Wife (Blunt, The Devil Wears Prada) are cursed by a Witch (Streep, just about everything fabulous in movies), who renders them childless. Soon they’re off on a kind of scavenger hunt to find objects they need to break the spell. Along the way they meet the Who’s Who of Storybook Land, including Cinderella (the faultless Kendrick, Pitch Perfect).

Early attempts at adaptions in the 1990s (with Robin Williams as the Baker, Goldie Hawn as his wife, Cher as the Witch, Jake Gyllenhaal as a Prince as well as a never ending musical chairs in casting other Hollywood heavy hitters) failed to materialize. It took Disney’s magic wand to make it all come together for a fairy tale happy ending. Disney also frowned upon the racier and more sinister elements of the stage production but Broadway God Sondheim approved the

changes to make it “family friendly.”

Expect a boffo bonanza and several nods from Oscar with this eleventh hour release.

We’re hoping that the brilliant Tracey Ullman as Jack’s (of the Beanstalk fame) mom gets the props she’ll surely deserve.

Opens December 25

Big Eyes

Christoph Waltz, Amy Adams, Krysten Ritter, Jason Schwartzman

Directed by Tim Burton, shockingly enough this film does not star his wife, Helena Bonham Carter, nor the increasingly unbankable Johnny Depp—for once. (Face it, did you see The Lone Ranger? Exactly.)

Originally slated to star Kate Hudson and Thomas Haden Church in 2008, then Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Reynolds in 2010, it was pushed back because of contract issues and other details. This anticipated biopic tells the true story behind the pop art paintings of the 1950s and 60s known as “Big Eyed Children,” featuring portraits of tragic, waif-like children that seemed to be everywhere. Even movie star Joan Crawford had these paintings in her New York City apartment.

Margaret Keane (Adams, American Hustle) churned out the wildly popular portraits one after another while her unscrupulous husband, Walter (Waltz, Django Unchained), claimed the celebrity (and most of the money) as the artist.

Not surprisingly, they divorce and a contentious courtroom drama unfolds when both parties try to prove that they are the true artist of the truly awful, awful paintings and deserve all the truly fabulous, fabulous money.

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Check out these great realtors, mortgage brokers, insurance agents, apartments, condos and houses. With ION Home, we make it easy to find, finance and insure your new home.

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Photography by Scotty Kirby

Text by Deon Brown

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Joen Romero-Martinez & Nathan Rhoton The electricity and energy Nathan and Joen generate could light up a thousand Christmas trees! Nathan is a former gala chair for the Arizona Human Rights Campaign, co-chair for EQAZ, the Arizona Human Rights Campaign and a former team leader with “Barbra Seville’s 56

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Wonderful 100” for AIDS Walk Phoenix.

Joen staged the fashion show for the 2014 EQAZ Gala and is a 2015 “Leading for Change” Fellow. They both competed in the annual fundraiser, “Dancing With The Bars.”

Maryanne Marttini, Jenny Diaz, Jeff Riddle, Deanna Jordan & Michael Burkhardt Board of Directors for Mulligan’s Manor, A second chance and a special place and family for at-risk youth specializing in serving gay, bi-, transgender, questioning and ally youth. ”As a member of the Mulligan’s Manor team, my hope is that every GBT young man in our home will know that he will never be all alone.”

— Maryanne Marttini “The Manor is my heart, my soul, and an all consuming passion. I’m forever grateful to my Board and our community for helping me to care for these beautiful boys.”

— Jenny Diaz, Founder

“Mulligan’s Manor is a statement of love and compassion; a home where hope lights a path out of the dark.”

— Michael Burkhardt “Mulligan’s Manor is a beacon of hope, a safe place for authentic living within the boundaries of support. I believe that our future lies in giving opportunities and suppot to those who can’t speak for themselves.

— Deanna Jordan

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J. David Smith with Mr. & Mrs. Fred DuVal “Wishing you a warm & wonderful Holiday!”

“It was an honor to stand with the LGBTQ Community during the 2014 campaign for Governor of Arizona. May 2015 be the year we assure full rights and opportunities for all our citizens.”

“It’s time to stop fighting and start fixing.” The 2014 elections were contentious. Fred DuVal ran as the Democratic candidate for Governor. Mr. DuVal championed an all-inclusive philosophy for Arizonans and supporting the LGBTQ community. Mr. DuVal and his wife, Jennifer, worked closely with J. David Smith, the Finance Council Coordinator.

In addition to the DuVal campaign, Smith’s contributions as chairperson, director and board member combined with his drive and willingness to help others is inspiring.

These include Southwest Center for HIV/AIDS and their Night for Life Gala, Director for Cox Charities, Actors Theatre, and Friends of Animal Care and Control make him a shining example of service. We asked him about his service: “Why I volunteer: My mother encouraged (forced!) my siblings and me to do volunteer work at a young age. Later I realized that being a ‘member’ of a community meant more than simply living there; I became determined to do something that would have a positive impact on the lives of others. I’ve since worked with a variety of non-profits and political causes which aim to do just that. The reward has always been greater than my investment,” David believes.

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Justin Owen

Phoenix Pride & the Phoenix Pride LGBT Center “Happy Holidays from Phoenix Pride& the Phoenix Pride LGBT Center!”

Justin, Dani, Joshua & the entire Phoenix Pride Family “I am honored and blessed to be able to serve the community every day in my role as Executive Director. We’re excited for 2015 as it rings in Phoenix Pride’s 35th Anniversary. I can’t wait to see everyone at our events and at the Community Center to help us celebrate this milestone! —Justin Owen

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Zach Reedy & They’re everywhere you look! The unofficial Ambassadors for Downtown Phoenix, Zach and Travis also make their home in the heart of the city where Travis is the General Manager of CityScape Residences. Zach

Travis Shumake keeps his nose in the books, studying Law at the Sandra Day O’Connor School of Law. Together, the two founded Downtown Neighborhood Association.

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Empress Miss Demeanor and Emperor Bill Mitchell of the Imperial Court, Reign IX “Happy Holidays from Our Royal Family to Yours.�

Members of the not-for-profit Imperial Court give generously of their time, talent and

effort to fill the royal coffers every year. Their magnanimity, beneficence and riches help deserving youth continue their college education by the grace of the Bryon Wiley Memorial Scholarship fund. This year they have almost $10,000 in the Royal Treasury.

That is the gift of giving.

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The Twisted Peacock Ricarda Cassada, Calvin Cassada, Thomas Davis, & Jamel Ortega “Have a colorful X-mas!”

“I have always been a member of this colorful community and The Twisted Peacock will be a representation of all my experiences. It’s a hub for the colorful, friendly and interesting. A friendly, neighborhood gay bar.” -Jamel Ortega

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Ben Boe & Ian Likwarz Ian and Ben are repaving the road to

downtown Phoenix with fun! These boys have taken on the impossible and don’t plan on stopping any time soon. They’ve spent 13 years together with seven of those in Phoenix. Ian and Ben are

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“Happy Holidays!

2015 Here We Come!” adventurous entrepreneurs who run a chain of successful mattress stores and are renovating run-down buildings into warehouse/loft private nightclubs. What’s next? Ian said, “We’re just getting started!”

Marc Reid, Jeremy Schacter & Gabriele Bertaccini Co-chairs for Red Brunch an Aunt Rita’s Foundation event

“Wishing everyone the best of the season!”

“There is a generation gap between what our community faced with HIV/AIDS in the 80s & 90s and the younger generation. Our goal is to shed some light on the history of HIV/AIDS and how we, as a community, can come together to battle the disease,” said Jeremy Schacter

Marc was co-chair of Southwest Center for HIV/AIDS Night for Life Gala. “I love spotlighting AIDS charities and bringing the AIDS quilt back to Phoenix.”

Celebrity chef Gabriele works tirelessly, donating his time and talent to dozens of charities across the Valley for fundraising events. “Bringing people together with food makes memories. That’s what it’s all about.”

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Ryan Conley & Jake Jamison These two bon vivants certainly have a joie de vivre! Fun follows them everywhere they go. You’ll spot them both at just about every fundraiser and manning the HRC booth at festivals. A Valley native, Jake is a corporate lawyer. He loves all things Arizona and is passionately supportive of his state.

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Ryan just graduated with his Masters of Business Administration and works with international students at the University of Phoenix. He dedicates his time volunteering with the Human Rights Campaign as the Volunteer Engagement Co-Chair.

Mesha Davis & Cindy Quenneville Southwest Center for HIV/AIDS “Best Wishes to all our friends and family!”

“Being at Southwest Center allows me to help those living with HIV/AIDS. Having lost an uncle was very confusing for me as a teen. He was shunned from the family and forgotten, but I remembered him. No one deserves to be cast aside at a time of need. Southwest Center offers that place of welcoming and understanding

and embraces all. This is what makes me fulfilled and happy to go to work every day.”

—Mesha “The Center is my ‘home away from home.’

I love making a difference in people’s lives and know that the work at the center changes lives. Thank you for welcoming me to the community.”

—Cindy

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Cornish Pasty Company

ornwall, the rugged, westernmost county in jolly olde England is the ancestral home of the bad boys from Gilbert & Sullivan’s operetta, The Pirates of Penzance (“Hurrah for the Pirate King!”) the fabled Jack the Giant Killer grew his Monsanto-esque beanstalk in the hardy landscape with astonishing consequences.

Subterranean kingdoms once housed a treasure in coal. Mining the fossil fuel was arduous, dangerous work offering a rather bleak living (along with a pretty shitty end, frankly) for miners who made a career out of digging the black ore out of the Earth. But if there was one meager reward for this backbreaking work, it had to be in the county’s legendary, handheld, mouthwatering “pasties.” Take a sheet of pastry dough, fill it with just about anything and you’ve got a portable entrée Think of it as the ancestor to the “Hot Pocket.” Except not frozen, microwaved, loaded with preservatives and nasty.

Cornish miners could easily tote these mouthwatering meals down into the bowels of the earth without needing silverware or cutlery. The crimped pastry crust provided a handy “handle” for miners to hold the pastry without dirtying the whole shebang with their no doubt grubby, arsenic contaminated mitts.

Champagne, France or Kentucky Bourbon must actually be from Kentucky. It’s quite specific and a real honor. Not to mention grounds for a lawsuit if someone abuses it.

The pasty’s origins are venerable, dating back to the 13th century. Flash forward to 2005. Founder, Cornish native Dean Thomas opened the original site in a teensy, tiny little place about the size of small mine shaft in Tempe. He’s since expanded that site and opened several others.

Now. The pasties. The Cornish Pasty Co. has 37 different ones to choose from. And you can’t go wrong. “The Oggie” (original) models itself after the traditional pasty: steak, potato, onion and rutabaga. They serve this baby with a rich, lip-smackin’ red wine gravy.

Think about the British stand-by “Bangers & Mash.” The flaky, golden pastry is stuffed with homemade pork and sage sausage, red wine gravy, grilled onions and, of course, mashed potatoes. Good, honest, stick-toyour-ribs food.

Stretch your culinary tastebuds to the outer reaches of the realm of the

It’s no wonder that the legendary Cornish Pasty has PGI (Protected Geographic Indication) status in the EU. Just like true champagne must be from

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Pot Pie, Cheese Steak, Salmon, Shepherd’s Pie, Carne Adovada, Pesto Chicken, Chicken Greek ... it’s “Around The World In 80 Pasties.”

British Empire and remember the Raj with “Lamb Vindaloo” with tender lamb, piquant curried potatoes and a very spicy vindaloo sauce, served with a cool, refreshing mintyogurt dressing or tahini.

Note: see that word “spicy”?

I’m not kidding. It’s got a heat that creeps on you without masking the variety of genuine flavors and goodness.

Looking for something from the shores of Britain’s long lost American Colonies (with a Jewish twist)? You can’t get more New York-y than “The Reuben” with pastrami, corned beef, homemade sauerkraut and Swiss cheese, served with outstanding housemade 1000 Island Dressing.

Choose from a motherlode of other pasties with something to suit anybody. Chicken

Whereas most restaurants cater to the Vegetarian crowd with a paltry carrot and a celery stick here and there, The Cornish Pasty Co. features 12 different, inventive pasties sure to satisfy the pickiest of palates. Quorn© vegetarian chicken, and veggie ground beef substitute for the real cluck ‘n’ moo, as well creative turns with veggie standbys like eggplant and portobello mushroom.

Pasties are available half-baked, dude.

That’s in case you want to take ‘em home and fire ‘em up later, fresh out of the oven.

Passing on a pasty? You won’t regret the swingin’ Sausage Salad for $9.95. A giant plate of lots of homemade sage pork sausage on a bed romaine lettuce, roasted red peppers, mushrooms, cherry tomatoes, onions and feta cheese with a spicy mustard cream dressing.

Soups from scratch shouldn’t be passed by. I’m a big fan of the thick, earthy and creamy Mushroom, Walnut & Spinach soup- $3.75/cup; $5.50 bowl. If you’re looking for traditional sides, they’ve got you covered with Baked Beans with a big bowl of stewed navy beans in a zippy homemade tomato sauce for $2.50. The baked Broccoli & Cauliflower is always a winner for $4.75. Hardcore anglophiles can opt for the veddy, veddy British Mushy Peas for $3.75.

Dessert time! Blimey! You can’t go wrong with the Banoffee Pie. A large graham cracker crust, rich, gooey caramel filling with fresh whipped cream and bananas. It’ll serve a king’s army for only $6.50 Don’t worry about using a blasting cap in your wallet to pay for these riches; All of these pleasing, plump ‘n’ portly pasties are under $10. Your Royal Treasury won’t be depleted. While you’re there, treat yourself to some grog on tap plus some tasty seasonal beers! The Shandy or a pint of Pear Cider shouldn’t be missed. This is a perfect place for a rendezvous during the cooler months.

Rumor’s had it for years that The Cornish Pasty Co. is planning on opening up a location in downtown Phoenix on Monroe Street near Central Avenue and we sure wish they’d hurry. Our favorite location is in Old Town Scottsdale, near Main Street and Goldwater Blvd. with a stunning patio and where the service excels over the Tempe location where sneering hipster servers seem mildly annoyed that you’re there. And the music sucks, too. (Incidentally, we love the little lass named Colleen in Scottsdale.)

Just as Shakespeare said in Richard II, “This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England.” Except he forgot the pasty.

Stupid Shakespeare.

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ou won’t find any bright copper kettles or red woolen mittens here, but Miss Mia Inez Adams lists her own favorite things for ION Arizona readers in this Holiday Gift Guide! “Alright everybody!

One! Two! Threeee! Look under your seat! You get a gift! And you get a gift! And you get a gift!”

Mia Inez Adams can be seen in “Saturday Night Madness” every Saturday night at 10:30 p.m. at Cruisin’ 7th, 3702 N. 7th St. in Phoenix. Look for her pageant “Miss Gay Supernova USofA Newcomer” coming February 22, 2015.

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Ice Ball Maker

“You’ll get the coldest balls in town with this, baby.”

The rage across the cocktail nation is the Spherical Ice Ball Maker made with solid aluminum body construction. No electricity required, making you the perfect 2.6” sphere for a fabulous cocktail, melting slower. Some models are upwards to $1,000, this is a more affordable model from Sharper Image. Comes with ice slab mold, drip pan.

Check out SharperImage.com $399.99

Aura Breathalyzer

“Better to be safe than sorry! This gift is perfect all year ‘round!

It’s a life changing and life saving idea—just like a condom or a quarter to call your mother. Better than a $10,000 DUI and so convenient.” This compact breathalyzer incorporates law enforcement-grade electrochemical fuel cell sensor technology and is widely accepted as the best for consumers. $160 Aurabreathalyzer.com

Une Bobine

“This little gizmo satisfies a multitude of my technological and communication issues. It even makes my sex life just that much better, too.” This handy gadget is a cable, dock, tripod all rolled togethr into the world’s most flexible iPhone charger. Une Bobine replaces your traditional dock with a stand that can be positioned. Optional car kit for GPS use. Just think how handy this will come in for FaceTime! Available for iPhone 5/5c/5s, 6 and 6 Plus. Funded with Kickstarter. Available thru Amazon.com for $29.95

“Ostrich Head” Pillow

“I see you. I see you. I can still see you.” Sure, you’ll look like a dork, but this blocks out stimulus around you in airports, offices, noisy hotel rooms or your trick’s house. The original Studio Banana Ostrich Pillow is available at Bed, Bath & Beyond for $99.99 each or try KlearGear.com for an alternate version for $29.98.

The less idiotic looking Ostrich Pillow Light is $39.99

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Vapor Vortex

“Tired of ‘no smoking’ signs and you want to fire up? Satisfy your oral fixation and put this in your mouth, honey!” It’s not smoking, it’s vaping! Here’s a cleaner way to enjoy it. Select what suits your needs from a variety of starter vaping kits, atomizers, e-hookah, e-liquids and more. Three convenient Valley locations. (See ad on page 116) VaporVortex.com

d.r.a.g. Book

“My world, and you’re welcome to it, honey.

Lipstick, lashes and ladyboys.” A stunning coffee table book filled with lush portraits of the top names in female illusion—”drag queens,” that is—by the best photographers today. A must have for any queen or panty sniffer. 180 pp. 11” x 11” at Amazon. com or BookTheFilm.com $39.99

Bling Press-On Nails at Boom Boom LaRue’s “Next time you find your hands around ‘that person’s throat’ make sure your nails are bedazzled!” Perfect pizazz for a party—or a show. Available in gold, silver or hot pink. 24 for $24.95 at BoomBoom LaRue 3606 N. 16th St. Phoenix. 602-265-3441

Swarkovski Skull Beads & Earrings

“For Goth girls or boys or anybody who needs a little bling. Or when you need to send a specific message.” .925 sterling silver with Swarovski skull beads ($40) and pierced earrings ($45) are perfect for a little “Nightmare Before Christmas” sparkle! Available at Chamilia.com

Whitney Houston Live: Her Greatest Performances

“Girl, when I’m in the bathtub I put on some Whitney and just soak it all in. I get so emotional, baby!” These live performances from 1983 to 2009 showcase Whitney’s talent. You get a CD with 16 live performances and a DVD with 18 unforgettable performances. Available on iTunes and Amazon.com for $13.99

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Brand X

Customize your very own t-shirt with the hashtag phrase of the minute. Dudes, make your underwear more marketable and work for you with “Home of the Whopper!” printed on it. Baseball caps, tanks, hoodies, sweatshirts, koozies, coasters, jigsaw puzzles and anything you want customized for you, your company, team or your #bestie can be done at Brand X!

CUNT(EEZ)

“These shirts have ‘See You Next Tuesday’ written all over them. Literally and figuratively.” Skot Video created these scandalous tees as an homage to his personal goddess, Madonna, and are guaranteed to get attention, that’s for sure. For the Material Girl in all of us. Tees, tanks, totes, sweats & more. Very cunty. $19.99-$59.99 Check out WhatsTheTee.net

Looney Tunes Platinum, vol. 3

“I love cartoons! Bugs Bunny tops the list when he’s crossdressing and kissing the other fellows. I love Bugs, but I’m not getting a tattoo anywhere.” Laugh out loud with this Blu-ray release of 50 alltime classic Warner Bros. digitally remastered and restored animated shorts plus commentary & alternate audio tracks. $44.98 SRP

Rentboy.com Mini-Calendar

“By hook or by crook—or by checkbook.

Love’s for Sale at Rentboy.com.” Warm up your bed with the company of their pleasure all year long. Get the very “cheeky” x-rated Rentboy.com Players 2015 26-page full-color mini-calendar at Amazon.com $7.99

Slot Machine from Colson Gaming

“Luck be a ladyboy tonight! Everyone’s a winner!” Bring a little bit of Las Vegas right into your home with a genuine casino slot machine starting at only $499 from Colson Gaming, locally gay owned & operated suppliers of slot machines, gaming tables and accessories. Visit their showroom at 3819 N. 3rd St., Ste. D in Phoenix.

602-633-6444 ColsonGaming.com

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SHERATON HOTEL DOWNTOWN PHOENIX

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December 2014

Vol. 8, Issue 9

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

Drag Queens Without Borders Helps Global Uglies

OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS!

PHOENIX ‑ In a world ravaged by pestilence, disease, war and starvation, the glamorous drag queens of the world are helping the poor, the sick, the marginalized and the disadvantaged help themselves. How? One sequin at a time.

“I heard about this and said, ‘Whitney Houston, we have a problem!’ What these bitches need is a little bit of glamour in their ratchet lives,” said founder, Eureka Seeman. “Sure, penicillin and a well-balanced meal are one thing, but can they ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL really compare to the feeling you get with your first set of Ardell lashes, a lace-front wig or a Drag Queens Without Borders took their cue from the medical profession’s philanthropic custom-made corset?” arm, Doctors Without Borders, who travel the globe to offer their services to those living Local volunteers Smelma Fingerz, Pariah Carey and Claire Fuxtable dedicate long hours to in third world countries with no access to professional healthcare. Often these villages helping those less fortunate. “Well, we want to go to Sierra Leone someday and help those poor, ol’ rely on superstitions and antiquated shamans or witchdoctors to cure very real issues like ugly Ebola girls out and give ‘em a pageant and a drought, starvation and now Ebola. tiara, but for now we’re just gonna take an Uber to Apache Junction and show ‘em how to use a glue gun to make a dress.”

OUTRAGEOUS!

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OUTRAGEOUS! Mrs. Claus Claims: “Cosby Cooked My Christmas Goose!”

OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS! ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! NORTH POLE - As one of America’s favorite stars endures a barrage of sexual assault claims, yet another victim steps forward: the world’s beloved Mrs. Santa Claus.

those Cagney & Lacey stars. I can’t remember if it was Cagney or Lacey. Mr. Cosby snuck up and said, ‘Hey! Hey! HEY! How would you like to try my Jell-O Pudding Pop?’ and I told him, ‘Sir! I’m a married woman!’ and the next thing I knew, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL The adored wife of ol’ Saint Nick sustains he pinched me! Right in the middle of my daily duty!” bruises from the incident that occurred over 27 ANY RESEMBLANCE TO years ago.

She tearfully recounted the THE tale for TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL ION Outrageous News readers in an exclusive Elves on the scene substantiate the accusation is true, citing that her husband, Santa, was working interview detailing the abuse. overtime that night.

“Well, ‘twas the night before Christmas,” she “I even heard the Coz tell her, ‘I’m gonna glaze remembers. “I was on the set taping ‘A Very Cosby Christmas’ with the comedy legend. I your ham for you,’” testified Sprinkles the Elf. “It was on the set kitchen making my Huxtable was disgusting!”

Ham for the guest stars, Delta Burke, Tony Further investigation pending.

Danza, Joan Collins, Ron Perlman and one of

OUTRAGEOUS!

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OUTRAGEOUS! Sarah Palin to Join Cooper, Griffin for CNN New Years Eve Broadcast

OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS! ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL NEW YORK — CNN shocked the public with its announcement that Gov. Sarah Palin, Vice Presidential running mate with POTUS hopeful Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) will join wild cards Anderson Cooper and comedian Kathy Griffin as co-host for New Year’s Eve coverage in Times Square this year.

about working with Cooper. She replied, “Oh, Cooper’s a little pooper—that’s a little joke I like to make! I’m looking forward to it!”

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! “I’m goin’ rogue for CNN,” said Alaska’s

The evening’s running commentary is known for Griffin’s often risqué repartée with Cooper.

How will Palin hold up to their ribald humor and scrutiny?

ANY RESEMBLANCE TRAGICALLY “YaIS know, like I always say,ACCIDENTAL you can either sleep Caribou Barbie. “I think it’s a TO matchTHE made TRUTH in heaven, and I’m a Christian, ya know,” she kidded.RESEMBLANCE “I always admired that Kathie Lee ANY TO THE Grifford when she was on the Alive! with Reginald Philbin show years ago. She’s a great mom and wife; she’s kinda my idol so I think we’ll get along great! She’s such a little stinker!” she enthused.

in the cabin or run with the huskies! I was a journalist TRUTH IS too.”

TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL Palin is looking forward to sharing the stage at Times Square with her co-hosts.

“Can I see North Korea from the Empire State Building?” she asked.

OUTRAGEOUS! CNN is often critical of Palin’s conservative and often baffling outlook on national and world affairs. Reporters asked her how she felt

We’re sure you can, Sarah. We’re sure you can.

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nce you’ve managed to polish off the egg nog, clean up, the family leaves and you’ve finished bitching about who gave shitty gifts, who was a hot mess and who you wish would’ve stayed home, settle in with Miss Tiger and a Hot Toddy. It’s about people with problems Those problems don’t get put on hold just because it’s Christmas!

Dear Miss Tiger, I’m in college and my mom forces me and my boyfriend to sleep in separate beds when we visit. We’ve been living together for two years!! Any advice?

— LeAnn Dear Silent Night, Look, don’t nobody’s mama wanna be changing sheets and be reminded that their little princess’s tiara is tarnished! I suggest you shut the hell up; it’s better to be sexually frustrated for a weekend than broke and payin’ your own tuition. NEXT! Dear Miss Tiger, There’s a sexy teller at my bank. He flirts with me and I’m feeling him too! Should I invite him over for some holiday cheer?

— Ben Dear Invite Him Over For Some Direct Deposit, And when he gets there, pull down your Andrew Christians, spread your ‘checkbook’ and hopefully his ‘deposit & withdrawal’ will have your pelvis bouncin’ like a rent check after Christmas.

NEXT! Dear Miss Tiger, My daughter and her wife stayed with

us last Christmas.We awoke to sounds of a banging headboard and my daughter screaming. This is a sensitive subject. How do we discuss this so that it doesn’t happen this year?

— Bonnie Dear Try Writing To Kris Jenner, The only thing that’s sensitive is your daughter’s va-jay-jay! If she’s bold enough to fuck like she was in her own apartment she can surely handle having a house dropped on her ass. NEXT! Dear Miss Tiger, I bought Christmas gifts for my boyfriend and all he got me was a card!

— Jason Dear I Hope It Was At Least A Hallmark, If you would’ve waited to deep throat his candy cane until AFTER CHRISTMAS maybe you’d be counting presents instead of counting paper cuts. NEXT! Dear Miss Tiger, What should I get my best friend? He’s gay and very picky.

— Yvette Dear There’s Only One Thing A Queen Won’t Return For A Store Credit, And that’s a goddamn dildo! (The gift that keeps on giving - literally.)

Happy Holidays, Hunties!

Miss Tiger • Advice columnist • SiriusXM radio personality ... and everyone’s #FAVORITEBITCH Website FavoriteBitch.com Twitter @ MissTiger Advice ask@misstiger.com December 2014 www.IONAZ.com 123

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by Sean Kapera @ Synergistic Studios SynergisticStudios.com

Antonio Casian, Model, Phoenix, AZ FOLLOW on instagram @SynergisticStudios

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by Addison DeWitt

T

hey say that marriage is a commitment and A a time honored institution. And I agree. Anybody who gets married should be committed and belongs in an institution. (Ba-dumpum!)

With the federal court’s ruling of marriage equality, the lovely Diane Russell and Hope Bouse (A) decided make an honest woman out of one another in a truly touching ceremony where they were Hymeneally coupled, parsonified and conjugally matrimonified by the Right Reverend Doctor of Divinity, Vicar (B) Richard Stevens D (popularly known as Barbra Seville) a fully ordained E man of the cloth. Sometimes he’s a lady of the cloth, too. Together, they pledged their troth, and what Richard hath joined together, let no bitch tear asunder.

Or asover. Or asideways.

But just mere hours into their beautiful marriage, poor, poor Hope was driven to drink (C) and was seen hitting the bottle pretty hard. Hope, honey, a fifth of Early Times hidden inside a brown paper bag isn’t going to solve anything. Believe me. I know. (Try two bottles.)

C

Another nascent love affair is budding amongst the wedding wedding guests: That handsome Jay Ward has that pompadorable Dusty “I ♥︎ Britney Spears” Brinsmade (D) singing, “I, I, I Wanna Go, Go, Go, All The Way-ay-ay.”

(Like he hasn’t already! I bet he’s “fast.”)

B But in a self-fulfilling prophecy: once the bloom is off the rose good ol’ Dusty will be getting pifflicated with our friend John Barleycorn here: (E) Pabst Blue Ribbon! Dusty! Really now!

How could you!? PBR?

See what happens when you jump the broom, ladies and gentlemen? Put on your seat-belts and look out for cops, because it’s a one-way ticket to Gin Town.

I’m just joshin’! I want you crazy kids to be happy! Get outta here, now! Go make some babies! Errr ... well ... You know what I mean.

The (take a deep breath) Grand Canyon Performing Arts Phoenix Metropolitan Men’s Chorus (now I’m dizzy ...) presented their annual Turnabout Show Fundraiser where members of community who usually wear pants and sometimes claim to be “NonNegotiable Tops” put on a little lipstick, a wig and a dress, act all girly and do drag.

From the “I’d’ve-Never-Believed-It-If-IHadn’t-Seen-It-With-My-Own-Two-Eyes” File: ION’s very own, publisher Jack Tesorero, looking quite coquettish in a chic champagne silk charmeuse blouse paired with a chic, black crêpe de chine skirt performed a duet with ECHO magazine’s December 2014 www.IONAZ.com 127

F

Assistant Publisher, Bill Gemmill, (F) opting for a red jersey knit sweater top with 3/4 sleeve and black skirt, looking remarkably like my Aunt Lottie (who was quite a looker, let me tell you.)

They were the best sister act I’ve seen since the Olsen Twins. I think they’ll go places. Look for them to headline Phoenix Pride 2015 on the Main Stage.

And then there’s this: found in the Classifieds under “Position Sought:” “If you’re looking for someone to clean your kitchen, look no further!

Efficient and capable. Excellent cook! Tossed Salads are my specialty! I’m Tops.

References upon request. Put your big business in my hands.” Gasp! I didn’t realize that dear Stacy Louis (G) was moonlighting as a domestic! Lock up your valuables. That’s all I have to say.

Studio audiences at The Rock were held in rapt attention with Barbra Seville’s Drag Race for over a month in a false fingernail-biting competition with Luna Love St. James crowned in a very tight 128

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race with the talented Miley Mitchells.

Look for an exciting cruise coming this summer with Barbra Seville’s “Drag Stars at the Lake” with a your favorite queens performing on the Dolly Steamboat Sightseeing and Dinner Cruises at Canyon Lake.

(I totally made that up. But it is a good idea. Sort of. No?) And when God shuts one door because you don’t pay your bills and screw people over He always opens another. Look for the late beleaguered icepics as it shakes its tail feathers and is re-hatched as The Twisted Peacock with some of your favorites behind G the bar. I heard through the grapevine that sexy Canuck Luke is gonna be shakin’ his groove thang for us, too. That’s exciting.

We’re looking forward to the bar they called Friends Cherry Bar Friends Zorfs as it transforms once again into Diablo’s later this month! I can’t wait!

So eat up your figgy pudding, boys and girls!

And have a safe H and sexy holiday season. Ask someone to marry you. Ask me. With enough eggnog under my belt I just might say, “Yes.” Actually, I probably will say yes.

I

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Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22

T

he New Moon on December 22 will define the the next six months. This is a time to create a Cosmic List and order your priorities, big and small. Jupiter shines bright on the 11th, illuminating your consciousness. So don’t screw it up, buster. The Winter Solstice occurs on December 21 at exactly 4:03 p.m. in Arizona. Equal parts of sunshine and shadow gives you a chance examine the big picture, so enough with the navel gazing. Look around!

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

Who needs mistletoe? You’ll find yourself kissing anyone you can get your lips on.

What’s a kiss between friends? And a friend between kisses? The lines of distinction are blurred when things go beyond kissing.

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20

Have some eggnog! And throw in lots of extra “nog.” You’re gonna need it. You’ll get a big surprise for the holidays. Someone blurts out big news. Well, it’s certainly news to you. It ends up for the best.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Don’t freak out when visions of sugarplums dance in your head. You’re not having a bad trip, but your creativity reaches new heights.

A bright idea you’ve shared at work is implemented and you’re kind of a big deal.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Feelin’ Scroogey? Has the Grinch got your goat? A minor setback gives you a case of the blues and you’re a little‑well‑“crabby.” A good deed makes your heart grow two times bigger this month.

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22

Do you hear what I hear? You need to listen up. Word on the street is that you’re starting a new venture. It may be a job, a move or maybe a pony! Well, okay, not a pony. But expect something special to happen.

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Joy to the World! You should expect some good news that will have you singing, “Go Tell It On The Mountain.” This may be a promotion at work or an improvement at home. Negotiation is necessary.

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22

Oops! Those scales Libras hold show a few extra holiday pounds—there’s just more of you to love. You’re invited to every party— and every buffet. Now see what happens?

Hello? Jenny Craig?

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23

You’ll be spreading your holiday cheer this season, honey, and that ain’t all. You may be feeling a little too full of love for your fellow man (or woman), just make sure you keep it in check.

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23

Santa’s making a list and checking it twice.

Congrats. You made the cut. You hit the motherlode with gifts this month. Don’t look for the price tag for once. Your birthday brings a far away visitor.

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20

It’s not the gift‑it’s the thought that counts.

Really, though. The gift actually does count. Between the holidays and Capricorn birthdays you’ll be cleaning up. Consider sharing the wealth.

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Of course, everything is wonderful year ‘round for Water Bearers, making lemonade out of lemons. Make eggnog out of eggs this month. Can’t put them all in one basket.

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

Nobody expects a “Silent Night” with you around. You’re like Adele and dominate the airwaves wherever you are. That’s always true. Sometimes it’s important to use our “inside voice.”