ION Arizona #128

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GRAND OPENING

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WATERING HOLE

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GRAND OPENING

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WATERING HOLE

PARTY CAM

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3819 North 3rd Street Suite 26, Phoenix, AZ 85012

(602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com

ionarizona@me.com

Publisher / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero .............................. jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ........................................ kbushaw@me.com Editor Deon Brown ....................................... ionazeditor@me.com PRODUCTION ASSISTANT Tom King ............................................ ionarizona@me.com PRODUCTION & Artwork SUBMISSIONS ionazproduction@me.com Advertising Sales Jack Tesorero ............................................... (602) 750-1164 Danny Catt, Regional Sales Director ............ (520) 429-5905 ionazsales@me.com ADVERTISING CONSULTANT Bill Knoop ..................................................... (602) 301-8457 Photographers:

Fernando Hernandez Jerry O’Conner Devin Mitchell Deon Brown Cover photo (Cowboy) by Lupine Enterprises, LLC. Cover photo (Volleyball) by Jerry O’Conner & Kevin Bushaw National Advertising Representative Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 ContributORS:

Wes Bergman Addison DeWitt Jackson David Kelly C. Edwards

Robert Hofmann Ted Kirby Kim Ruff Paul Sanchez

Published monthly by

1995-2012: 17 Years of Design and Creative Excellence

© 2012 JMT Designs, Inc.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation.

Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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The All American Male Revue There’s nothing better than watching a hot man rip off a pair of tear-away pants and shake his moneymaker in your face. Scream like a girl! Everybody else is!

Catch it in the ballroom of the Radisson Hotel at the Ft. McDowell Casino on Saturday, February 11 at 8 p.m. 10424 N. Ft. McDowell Rd. Tickets available at TicketMaster.com. See the ad and get a coupon for $5 off admission on the inside cover.

Blush & Bashful Those talented folks at The Grand Canyon Performing Arts presents this special event benefiting the Trevor Project.

RuPaul’s Drag Race fabulous winner Raja and runner up Manila will entertain. Enjoy cocktails, a chic, high end auction and a divine dinner on Saturday, February 11 at the Hyatt Regency Downtown, 122 N. 2nd St. For more info and tix visit PhoenixMetropolitanMensChorus.org See ad on p. 32

Let’s Rodeo

“Home! Home on the range!” Forget the deer and the antelope! You’ll get your chance to play with the cowboys & cowgirls at the 27th Annual AGRA RoadRunner Regional Rodeo at Rawhide at Wild Horse Pass in Chandle February 17-19. So saddle up your horse and ION will see you there!

For more info visit AGRA-Phx.com.

See ad p. 74 Feb 17-19

Mardi Gras Parties!

“Throw me somethin’, mister!” It ain’t N’Awlins, honey, but you’ll get a taste of the Big Sleazy right here in your own hometown when your favorite bar and clubs celebrate Mardi Gras! You want beads? You’ll have to earn ‘em! You’ll see ads for the best parties in town here in ION Arizona! “Laissez-les bon temps roulez!”

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ReMIXED at Zoan There’s only one way to party—and that’s the SWAY way! You won’t want to miss REMIXED, the official grand opening MIXer at Zoan on Friday, March 2 at 7 p.m. It’s FREE! RSVP@SWAYevents. com to get on the VIP list! Zoan is at 4301 N. 7th Ave. Phone: 602-265-3233

Möda Provocateur Party Tucson style a this year’s Möda Provŏcateūr, a new kind of fashion show where Tucson’s salons, boutiques and models come together for a celebration of style, fashion and compassion. It’s a fabulous fundraiser for Southern Arizona AIDS Foundation (SAAF).

This night of fashion and glamour takes place on Sunday, March 4 in the Tucson Convention Center Grand Ballroom, 260 S. Church. For more info and tix visit SAAFmoda.org or call 520-628-SAAF

FEBRUARY 2012 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE EVENT

LOCATION CITY

Saturdays 2/5 2/9 2/11 - 4/1 2/11 2/11 2/11 2/15 2/17 - 2/18 2/18 2/19 2/17 - 2/18 2/17 - 2/19 2/20 2/21 2/21 2/26 2/26 MARCH 3/2 3/3 3/4 3/4

icepics Phoenix Roscoes Phoenix BS West Scottsdale BEYOND Apache Junction Ft. McDowell Casino Ft. McDowell Hyatt Regency Phoenix Karamba Phoenix Charlie’s Phoenix Dick’s Cabaret Phoenix Friends Phoenix Karamba Phoenix BS West Scottsdale Rawhide Chandler Charlie’s Phoenix icepics Phoenix Everywhere!

Phoenix icepics Phoenix Phoenician Resort Phoenix

Beer Bust (4-9pm) Super Bowl Sunday Eric Himan Renaissance Festival Begins The All American Male Revue Blush & Bashful Red Party Mini-Rodeo Dick’s Customer Appreciation Volley Del Sol Kickoff Party Carnavale Latino - XXXPozed Heaven & Hell Mardi Gras Road Runner Regional Rodeo Rodeo Survivors Brunch Mustache Ride Mardi Gras Parties Men of STRUT FRESH Brunch

ReMIXED Zoan Phoenix Wizard of OZ Party Friends Phoenix Moda Provocateur- Stand By Me Tucson Convention Cntr. Tucson Gay Day at the Renaissance Festival BEYOND Apache Junction February 2012 www.IONAZ.com 21

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DICK’S CABARET

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CRUISIN’ 7th

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BEARRACUDA

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THE ROCK

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GAY SKATE

GREAT SKATE GLENDALE

Arizona Renaissance Festival Ah, the good ol’ days ... burning people at the stake. Plague.

Beheadings. Killing people because they don’t believe the same way you do. Well, some things never change. But you can still party like it’s 1599 at the Arizona Renaissance Festival, though!

Take the US 60 East, just beyond teh Gold Canyon Golf Resort.

It’s open every Saturday and Sunday from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Feb. 11 through April 3. Visit RoyalFaires.com for mor info or call 520-463-2700

Diamondbacks Fan Fest “Hey, batter batter batter—swing!” If you’re an athletic supporter of our boys of summer you won’t want to miss the D-backs Fan Fest! Autograph and photosessions, ballpark tours, giveaways, shopping and more! So if you’re a pitcher or a catcher, we’ll see you February 11 from 11 a.m.-3 p.m. at Chase Field at Bank One Ballpark, 401 E. Jefferson St. For details call 602-462-FEST or visit Dbacks.com

Arizona Strong Beer Festival Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder! This event is for craft beer lovers who enjoy a good head—of strong beer, that is, with a higher alcohol content and discovering new boutique breweries. And getting shitfaced in the process.

Enjoy top-notch food vendors’ fine comestibles and enjoy live music, too!

Saturday, February 18 at Indian School Steel Park, Central Ave. & Indian School Rd. from 1-5 p.m. Visit ArizonaBeerWeek for more info!

FEBRUARY 2012 ION around town listings DATE EVENT / LOCATION CITY

thru 5 3-5 10-3/17 11 11 11-12 11-4/1 12 17-19 18 18-19 22-26 24-26 25 25-26 MARCH 2-3 3

Phoenix Open - TPC Golf Course Scottsdale Chocolate Affaire downtown Glendale Exotic Art Show - Alwun House Phoenix Parada del Sol Parade downtown Scottsdale Diamondbacks Fan Fest - Chase Field Phoenix VNSA Book Sale - State Fairgrounds Phoenix AZ Renaissance Festival Apache Junction WILLO Home Tour & Street Fair Phoenix Gold Rush Days Wickenburg AZ Strong Beer Festival - Indian School Park Phoenix AAA Travel Show Phoenix Convention Ctr Int’l. UFO Congress & Film Fest - Ft. McDowell Casino Scottsdale Fountain Hills Great Fair Fountain Hills Jr. League Rummage Sale - State Fairgrounds Phoenix Matsuri Festival - Heritage Square Phoenix Parada del Sol Rodeo - WestWorld Melrose Ave. Street Fair Classic Car Show

Scottsdale

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Lenny Kravitz Once known as “Romeo Blue,” Kravitz co-wrote and produced Madonna’s “Justify My Love” and may have have even “done it” with Madge. Sexy, amazingly talented, a musical genius, Kravitz is huge in France, where he is an Officer des Arts et des Lettres. Catch this sexy man at the Comerica Theatre on Sunday, February 12. And he’s really sexy. 400 W. Washington. For tix visit LiveNation.com or call 602-379-2888

Toni Braxton The gorgeous, Grammy award winning R&B singer-songwriter, “Dancing with the Stars” competitor and star of “Braxton Family Values” pulls out all the stops when she takes the stage on Saturday, February 17 at Talking Stick Resort, 9800 E. Indian Bend Rd. in Scottsdale. For tix call 800-745-3000

Glen Campbell “Hi! I’m Glen Campbell!” Recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease, the ol’ Rhinestone Cowboy who played guitar and sang about his hometown with “By the Time I Get to Phoenix” calls it quits in the music biz with his Farewell Tour on Sunday, February 18 at the Comerica Theatre 400 W. Washington. For tix visit LiveNation.com or call 602-379-2888

FEBRUARY 2012 ION Concert Calendar DATE ARTIST LOCATION 3 George Strait & Martina McBride US Airways Ctr. 10 Oak Ridge Boys Celebrity Theatre 10-11 Mormon Tabernacle Choir US Airways Ctr. 11 Neil Sadaka Wild Horse Pass Casino 12 Lenny Kravitz Comerica Theatre 14 Kenny G Celebrity Theatre 17 Boyz II Men Wild Horse Pass Casino 17 Toni Braxton Talking Stick Resort 18 The Darkness Celebrity Theatre 18 Franki Valli & the 4 Seasons Talking Stick Resort 18 Glenn Campbell Comerica Theatre 25 Megadeath & others Comerica Theatre MARCH 2 Red Hot Chili Peppers Jobing.com Arena 2 Los Lonely Boys Chandler Ctr. for the Arts 7 Peter Frampton Mesa Arts Center

PHONE 800-745-3000 602-267-1600 800-745-3000 877-840-0457 602-379-2888 602-267-1600 877-840-0457 800-745-3000 602-267-1600 800-745-3000 602-379-2888 602-379-2888 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 480-644-6500

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D-List Diva!

Kathy Griffin

Shoots the shit about Gloria Vanderbilt, her new show, and eating Khloe Kardashian.

by Deon Brown photo

by Mike RuizFebruary 2012 36 www.IONAZ.com

Pictured top: Gloria Vanderbilt & Anderson Cooper; pictured below Anderson & Kathy

Kathy Griffin’s shoot-from-the-hip/take-

no-prisoners style of stand-up comedy has made her the darling—and the pariah—of Red Carpets and talk shows everywhere, not to mention the best part about CNN’s New Year’s Eve with the dreamy Anderson Cooper. (As well as a bit of a loaded gun. “Hey! I don’t come to your job and knock the dicks outta your mouth!”)

ION Arizona had an opportunity to chat with the raucous redhead.

ION: We don’t believe in censorship, so you can say whatever you want!

KG: Oh! Fuck! Let’s do it! I played at the Dodge. Now it’s the Comerica? Good god! What’s the matter with this country? You can’t even name a theatre after a car company anymore?

ION: Nope! Hey, your Gays love you.

We also love your New Year’s Eve cohort Anderson Cooper. Why don’t you two get married and take over the world?

KG: Seriously! Where is our Brangelina moment? When can he and I just plan our world domination and takeover?

He’s gotta quit doing his other side jobs, because I really consider Anderson Cooper’s main job to be my sidekick

on New Year’s Eve. Then those other little side shows, Anderson Cooper’s 360 and his daytime show—he’s either gotta stop doing them or just on the weekends.

I will say—and this is a fun fact that only a Gay man can understand: yesterday I was emailing Anderson’s mom—Gloria Vanderbilt—about the best face cream you can possibly buy.

I was reading an article about some old timey face cream called Lazlo, and they were saying “and Gloria Vanderbilt even uses it!” So I emailed her, “Whaddya think about this face cream? If anybody knows how to maintain her beauty it’s you,” and she’s, like, “Kathy! I’ve got a brand new face cream.” So just to let you know, in my mind, I’m a Vanderbilt. I’ve lost my mind and think of myself as Kathy Vanderbilt.

ION: You can even wear Gloria Vanderbilt Jeans, maybe?

KG: Do you know she doesn’t have a one pair? It’s the oddest thing! I have this bizarre fantasy of finding a pair of her jeans for her on eBay or something and made into a sculpture for her.

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Continued

ION: Will anybody be blacklisted from it?

ION: Tell us about your upcoming weekly TV talk show.

KG: This is very exciting! Starting April 10 I’m launching a weekly, hour-long talk show called “Kathy!” and it stars Kathy Griffin! It’s a hybrid of everything from unexpected moments that you’ve come to expect from my stand-up, which is pretty raw and uncensored, chatty elements of shooting the breeze with pals and nothing is off the table. So the good people at Bravo have said, “We want you to be uncensored and no holds barred. I said, “Perfect.” So we’ll try to make people laugh every Tuesday night on Bravo.

ION: Ellen DeGeneres likes to dance before her show. What will your schtick be? Will you strip?

KG: I’m gonna start the show fisting, and end the show fisting. Maybe a prosthetic, maybe a human ... we’re working out the kinks of the show. This will be hopefullly as far from the Ellen show as you can get only because Ellen’s show is during the day, it’s family friendly; this show may be a little dirty. I cannot guarantee that I’m going to be dressed for any of it. I might be, I might not be; You know me. I don’t know anymore.

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KG: No. Well, wait a minute ... I’m not sure if Elizabeth Hasselbeck [The View, Survivor] wants to be on the show, it’s gonna be awkward, I’m not gonna lie.

No one’s gonna be blacklisted, unless my 91-year-old alcoholic mother tells me to. I can guarantee you already that she’s going to be the most popular element of the show whether she’s sober or drunk on a box o’ wine.

ION: Do you have any “dream guests?”

KG: You know, I really like the idea of having real people as opposed to celebrities because if I have celebrities I can’t really make fun of them or their friends. If I have real people like Howard Stern who talks to Robin and Baba Booey, then you can let it rip!

We’ll see how it shakes down, if celebrities come to the show and have a good sense of humor and stuff. My first priority is always the audience.

ION: What would you like our readers to know about you that might surprise them?

KG: How much I love Phoenix! By the way, it’s one of my favorite destinations to play. If I have a couple of days off I go there and hang out. I was playing there a long time at the Tempe Improv and one of the cocktail waitresses would

Pictured top: Kris Humphries; pictured below Kourtney, Kim & Khloe Kardashian

drive me to and from the show and told me, “Oh, I forgot to tell you, I don’t have air conditioning.” This is in June.

I would do two shows a night with actual back sweat which, of course, turned into ass crack sweat. What a pretty, pretty image for your readers to remember!

What I would want your readers to know is that I am now in an air conditioned environment and I promise they won’t have to look at my ass crack sweat when I’m walking away. I’m gonna be clean ‘n’ tidy—but my mouth is gonna be filthy.

ION: If Mattel made a talking Kathy Griffin doll, what would she say?

KG: It would say, “Suck it” or “Holy fuckballs” or “Tip it,” as an homage to my mother, and “I want a hug” just to throw somebody off.

ION: If you were stuck on a desert island with the Kardashians, who would eat first?

KG: Oh boy. Well, I would eat Khloe, then I wouldn’t be so hungry.Then I would sneak that adorable Kris Humphries on the island. I watch that show and do not understand why she dumped him. I’m not saying he’s the sharpest pencil in the box, but she’s kind of a nightmare; I’d eat Khloe and fuck Kris Humphries.

ION: If you were a superhero, what would your superpowers be?

My powers would be to cause reverse Tourette’s where I could get celebrities to swear compulsively without knowing how or why. I would definitely have power where I could be thought bubbles over celebrities’ heads so we would know what they’re really thinking as opposed to the b.s. they might be telling us. And naturally I would fly. You gotta throw in fly.

ION: You’re no longer D-List.

Is there a new D-List?

KG: Just when I thought I was off the D-list, I was reading my twats on Twitter, and someone twatted me and said, “Oh my god! Tina Fey just gave you a shout out on the Screen Actors’ Guild Awards!” I wrote back, “What’d she say?” I got flooded with many, many, many responses from people saying, “Oh. Never mind. She made a joke about Kathie Lee Gifford.” So, I don’t know that I’m completely off the D-List but I’m clearly trying. As long as there’s a Kathie Lee Gifford in this world, I’m gonna have D-List moments. I kinda hold them near and dear to my heart, so I just responded, “Well, that’s gotta be in my act.”

ION: What makes you laugh?

KG: Today I read that Kim Kardashian wants to start a Bible Study Group. with her friends. I laugh picturing it. I February 2012 www.IONAZ.com 39

Continued

laugh picturing what outfit she’s going to wear. I laugh thinking about how they’re going to deal with her sex tape. Celebrities and public figures give me so much material, I cannot get to the microphone fast enough.

Things that aren’t supposed to be funny. Most of the shows on TLC make me laugh really hard. I don’t know that people on Toddlers & Tiaras know that they’re doing a comedy show, but I know that they are. A lot of shows are unintentionally funny and I watch all of them.

ION: Supposing a sex tape of Kathy Griffin surfaced. Who would be in it?

KG: It’s like a revolving door here, not unlike my own vagina. A few years

ago I’d say Levi Johnson.

Today I’d have to say Kris Humphries.

He’s the perfect person to be in a sex tape with. He’s got a great body so the Gays would be happy. I’m open to all comers. If you know what I’m saying. I have an open mind and an open vagina!

ION: We love you! Tell Anderson Cooper that we love him, too!

KG: Awww! Done and done! I hope you have a great time at the show! Bring lots of Gays! Grindr is gonna blow up! _ Catch Kathy Griffin live either at The Tucson Music Hall on Thursday, February 16th, OR the Comerica Theatre in Phoenix on Friday, February 17 at 8 p.m. Get your tix at LiveNation.com or call 602-379-2888

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Last Days of Judas Iscariot This wicked, expressionistic fantasy is set in a time-bending, darkly comic world between heaven and hell, using flashbacks to an imagined childhood and a courtroom in Purgatory who call for an amazing array of witnesses including Damon Dering as Satan. Brought to you by Stray Cat Theatre, February 17-March 3 at the Tempe Performing Arts Center, 132 E. 6th St. For info & tix visit StrayCatTheatre.org or call 480-634-6435

Fran Lebowitz Writer, social commentator, celebrated Oracle of Opinions and wickedly funny, New York gadabout (and Lesbian) Fran Lebowitz is a modern day Dorothy Parker who expounds about celebrity culture, gender, race, Gay rights, smoking, tourists and strollers. One of the really brilliant— and bitchy—personalities of our time. Catch her pithy point of view March 1 at the Scottsdale Center for the Arts, 7380 E. 2nd St. For details & tix visit ScottsdalePerformingArts.org or call 480-499-TKTS

Patti Lupone She’ll always be Evita Perón but don’t cry for her, Arizona! The stage legend comes to town with her show, “The Gypsy in My Soul,” where she’ll be belting out the best of Broadway from Gypsy to Anything Goes, and her own personal and pop favorites on Saturday, March 3 at Scottsdale Center for the Arts, 7380 E. 2nd St. For details & tix visit ScottsdalePerformingArts.org or call 480-499-TKTS

FEBRUARY 2012 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE EVENT LOCATION PHONE 2-4 Ralphie May StandUp Live 480-719-6100 3-3/4 The Pillowman Scotts. Desert Stages 480-483-1664 9-26 Hitchcock’s 39 Steps AZ Theatre Co. 602-256-6995 thru 11 Brigadoon B/way Palm Dinner Theatre 480-325-6700 thru 11 Annie Get Your Gun Scotts. Desert Stages 480-483-1664 15-3/11 Wicked ASU Gammage 480-965-3434 17 Erotic Poetry & Music Festivus Alwun House 6020-253-7887 17-19 Frank Caliendo StandUp Live 480-719-6100 17-3/3 Last Days of Judas Iscariot Stray Cat Theatre 480-634-6365 thru 19 Singin’ in the Rain AZ B’way Theatre 623-776-8400 23-26 Mitch Fatel StandUp Live 480-719-6100 24 Midsummer Night’s Dream Chandler Ctr. for the Arts 480-782-2680 thru 26 Run for Your Wife B’way Palm Dinner Theatre 480-325-6700 MARCH 2-3 Gazillion Bubble Show Mesa Arts Ctr. 480-644-6500 1-3 Pauly Shore StandUp Live 480-719-6100 1 Fran Lebowitz Scotts. Ctr. for the Arts 480-499-TKTS 3 Patti Lupone Scotts. Ctr. for the Arts 480-499-TKTS 9 Lily Tomlin Mesa Arts Ctr. 480-644-6500 February 2012 www.IONAZ.com 43

Be My Valentine

by Rob Hoffman photos by Devin Mitchell Artistic Concepts by Courtney 44 www.IONAZ.com February 2012Leavitt

I

have the same problem every year at this time: what do I get for my Valentine? We’ve been together now 17 years and I’m stuck. Early on it was easy to buy him gifts. His wardrobe was a Gay nightmare: garish sweaters, shoes a decade old and underwear that I had to remove from his body immediately to avoid involuntary vomiting. So after I started discretely discarding his bad clothes and wretch-inducing footwear, I gifted him with Kenneth Cole, Doc Martens and 2xist. It was a simple time, and I was glad to do it just so I didn’t have to make excuses for him at cocktail parties. “Oh, he just got home from his job at the circus and didn’t have time to change.”

“Sorry he’s dressed like that, but his house burned down and cheap fabric was all that we could salvage from the rubble.”

Later on, when my boy had finally learned to dress himself, I gifted him with traditional gifts: flowers, candy, lube, edibile underwear, and handcuffs. It was a happy time. I didn’t have to make excuses anymore, just reservations and a strong martini.

But now it’s hard. The gifting, I mean, you pig. He doesn’t need anything.

Another Movado watch or a new

pinkie ring just doesn’t fly when you’ve already done that. Oh, I’ve tried cutesie gifts like those hard, heart-shaped candies, but the sentiments are too sappy. “Be Mine.” “Choose Me”. “I Love You.” (Excuse me, but I just threw up a little in my mouth.) Those things would sell like hotcakes if they said things like, “Eat Me.” “Suck It.” and “Would You Like To Go Home With Me, Get Dirty and Have Orange Juice in the Morning?” I’d buy a truckload. And if Colgate marketed them, I’d invest. I can’t give him things I would give to

a guy I just started dating, like a love potion or an inflatable love doll. After 17 years, he’s supposed to love me already and the inflatable love doll would just be there to do my job. Pun intended.

Here are the gift ideas I rejected for this year: a cat (he already has five, and I’m not a fan of pussy.) A wok (we don’t have one, but I don’t eat Chinese.)

Rogaine (a tad insulting.) A gift February 2012 www.IONAZ.com 45

Shot on location at Switch Restaurant & Bliss/Rebar.

Dress Designs by Levi Elliot.

Models - Christopher Valles, Mike Chavez, Nicole Roberts, Kyle Hilow, Courtney Leavitt, & Mahiba Falatoon.

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certificate for Botox (more of a gift for me, since I’m the one who has to look at him) and breath mints (again, for me, and a teeny bit insulting.)

So, I was stuck. And then I thought about the whole concept of Valentine’s Day. It should be sharing something romantic, maybe a little naughty, maybe even shameful. Breakfast in bed? A little extra nookie? A dirty cake? A lap dance? A strip tease? And then it dawned on

me. Valentine’s Day. Who, I want to know, made up this romantic, even sexy holiday with the initials VD? Now that’s something no one should give. _

Robert Hofmann is the author of three books, Surrounded by Insanity, An Ordinary Madness, and his latest, One Brain Cell Away from Retarded. He lives in Wilton Manors, Florida, with his partner of 16 years and welcomes email from readers at robshof@aol.com.

love is bliss Every Day of the Week $5 Monday Fiesta

$5 margaritas • $5 two tacos w/chips & salsa • $5 cheese nachos

$10 Tuesdays

$10 any sandwich, side salad or slaw, choice of domestic bottled beer or house wine

20% Off Wednesdays

20% off bill until 9pm • 2-4-1 all drinks 9pm – close

901 north 4th street phoenix, arizona 85004

602.795.1792 blissrebar

@blissrebar

blissonfourth.com

On Valetines Day February 14 Entrée, Dessert & Wine Specials full menu also available

Reservations Online or 602.795.1792 February 2012 www.IONAZ.com 47

Sherry Vine

by Deon Brown 48

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So, what’s a nice, Jewish girl like Sherry Vine doing in a place like Phoenix? A one woman show at The Rock peppered with her below-the-belt humor and her fabulous parodies of songs today.

“I can’t wait to get back,” said Sherry. “The last time I did a show at The Rock was with Joey Arias. The first time I came out there I did a show with Barbra Seville— God love her!” she gushed.

Keith Levy, the man behind Sherry Vine, talked about his growing up. “It’s kinda cliche, but I was definitely one of those tortured kids in school. I figured pretty early on that I can make people laugh so they won’t hit me.

But I’ve always performed. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. It was a pretty clear path for me.”

Sherry spent Thanksgiving in Ireland. “This was a dream audience!

There was a group of ten young, Gay boys in the front row who knew every word to every parody. They were so excited. And I’m a fan of foreskin!” she confided. “That’s one part of my show that’s based on reality.” She’s not kidding.

“They young Gays now are so YouTube savvy and they’re quoting AbFab. The idioms, the slang, the street-talking. My ex-boyfriend was from Poland. He learned most of his English from watching The Golden Girls. He’d say, ‘Let’s go out on the lanai.’ I’m, like, ‘What? It’s a “porch.” You got that from Rose.’”

If a secret sex tape of Sherry Vine was revealed, who would Sherry’s co-star be?

Soccer Team. As long as we’re talking fantasy and not reality,” Sherry joked. (Or was she?)

Can’t get enough Sherry Vine? She’s coming to your living room soon!

“I’ve been working on a TV series that’s premiering February 24. It’s called She’s Living for This on Here! TV. It’s a total old school variety show like Carol Burnett, Sonny & Cher or Donny & Marie. We’ve got incredible guests—Joey Arias, Lady Bunny, Justin Vivian Bond. I’m really excited. It’s really a dream come true!”

What turns Sherry on? She admits, “I am a severe fan of drag. That’s why I love performing at The Rock, especially with all of their queens.

That makes me so happy; if it’s lip-synching, trash drag, glamor, I like old school— beaded gowns, lip synching to Whitney—I love it!”

Pandora DeStrange said, “Of all the drag performers on the planet, Sherry Vine is one of my absolute favorites! She is a True Triple Threat: she can sing, she can act, she can dance and creativity just oozes out of her! She has been so supportive of The AZ Gender Outlaws and our unique approach to expressing ourselves through drag. We can’t wait to terrorize the masses with her once again!”

See the spectacular Sherry Vine on Friday, February 17 at 10 p.m. at The Rock, 4129 N. 7th Ave. $20 for VIP Meet ‘n’ Greet. Reserve your table! Call 602248-8559 or visit TheRockDMPhoenix.com

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RuPaul’s Drag Race Viewing Party “Hey Squirrelfriends!” “Gag on the eleganza!”

“Sick’ning!” “Werk it!” Sheesh! That bitch has more one liners than a pin-stripe suit! Zoom on down to Apollo’s every Monday for their RuPaul’s Drag Race Viewing Party. “Gentleman, start your engines, and may the best woman, WIN!” Sponsored by ArizonaDrag.com. 5749 N. &th St. 602.277.9373

FEBRUARY 2012 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE

TIME LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S)

Sun 5 Fri 3 + 10 Sat 11 Sun 12 Sun 12 Tues 14 Fri 17 Mon 20 Fri 24 Sun 19 Sun 26 Sun 26 Wed 29

8:00pm 10:00pm 6:00pm 6:00pm 8:00pm 10:30pm 10:00pm 4:00pm 10:00pm 8:00pm 9:00pm 8:00pm 10:30pm

Apollo’s Arizonadrag.com Presents Showgirlz The Rock An Evening with the Outlaws Hyatt Regency Blush & Bashful with Raja and Manila Luzon BS West Miss Gay Metropolis with Celia Putty Apollo’s Tequila nights with Tyra Marie Karamba Valentines Day Show The Rock Sherry Vine Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot’s Rodeo Survivor Show The Rock Lady Christian’s Trailer Trash Revue Apollo’s Cougar Cabaret Cruisin’ 7th Miss Gay Supernova with Mia Adams Apollo’s Barbra Seville’s That Time of The Month Show Karamba Barbra Seville’s 1st Anniversary Show

Mondays Tuesdays Tuesdays Tuesdays Wednesdays Wednesdays Wednesdays Wednesdays Wednesdays Wednesdays Thursdays Fridays Fridays Fridays Fridays Fridays Saturdays Saturdays Saturdays Saturdays Saturdays 1st & 3rd Sun. Sundays Sundays

9:30pm 8:00pm 8:00pm 10:30pm 9:00pm 9:00pm 10:30pm 9:00pm 10:30pm 10:00pm 10:30pm 9:00pm 10:00pm 9:00pm 10:30pm 9:00pm 9:00pm 10:30p 10:00pm 10:00pm 9:30pm 12:30pm 8:30pm 10:30pm

Apollo’s BS West Cruisin’ 7th Karamba IBT’s Roscoe’s Karamba The Rock Cruisin’ 7th Charlie’s Karamba IBT’s The Rock Friends Cruisin’ 7th BS West IBT’s Cruisin’ 7th The Rock icepics Charlie’s Cruisin’ 7th Charlie’s Karamba

Naughty or Nice Drag Bingo with Eryka Knowles & Clayton Kendra’s Big Top The Stage is Yours with Mia Inez Adams (sign up by 7:30) Salsa Tuesdays with Savannah Moussier Janee Star & China Collins The End Zone with Carlita Jackson Barbra Seville Open Wide Wednesdays Steppin’ Out with TC Claudia B. & Company Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds Janee Star & China Collins Pandemonium feat. the AZ Gender Outlaws Freaky Fridays with Celia Putty Mia Inez Adam’s Friday Night Follies Elements 7 Deadly Sins - followed by Mandi BoomBoom Janee Star & China Collins Mia Inez Adam’s Saturday Night Madness The Barbra Seville Show The Chane Jordan Show Pussy’s Patio Show Sunday Morning Madness with Miss Dottie Pepper Pussy LeHoot & Friends Diamond’s Show February 2012 www.IONAZ.com 51

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by Jackson David Kelly jacksonkelly@cox.net

Yo, DJ! What’s New? Finally! You’ll be excited to hear about

new material coming from The Cranberries, Leonard Cohen, Lacuna Coil, Lamb of God, BT, Van Halen, Paul McCartney, The Fray, Air, Goldfrapp (greatest) and Of Montreal.

Check out these fresh and unknown must have’s. Be daring and try something new!

Gotye

Making Mirrors

After winning almost every major Aussie award in 2011, Gotye makes a splash stateside. Add equal parts Peter Gabriel, Sting and Kate Bush, throw in a dash of Radiohead and blend on low with amazing hooks and a slant of artistry to understand what will surely be one of 2012’s bests. Arguably, “Giving Me a Chance” is this set’s standout track with its haunting, ethereal, yet uplifting sound, while lead single, “Somebody,” featuring Kimbra showcases intelligent alternative pop. Then there’s “In Your Light” with its hand-clapping, feel good/chirpy sound will bring you cheer.

Just plain brilliant. GRADE: A

Lana Del Rey Born To Die

Though quite different from Adele and Amy, fans of both should take notice in this sensation. Described as the “gangsta” Nancy Sinatra, Lana’s sound is likened to the before mentioned with a hint of M.I.A and Duffy to boot. She can be characterized as moody but nothing short of genius. While most female artists are praised for their higher octaves, its Del Rey’s lower inflections that give you chills. “Video Games” as well as the title track resound with an eerie beauty that is indescribable, while “Diet Mountain Dew” and “Blue Jeans” give the

listener a quirky, yet soulful look into this one of a kind artist. GRADE: A-

Chicane

Thousand Mile Stare

Chicane’s fifth album proves to be full of influences of his yesteryear, most notably “Behind the Sun.” Deemed as the electronic artist that offers the listener a pulsating aural sound while invoking a deep emotional connection, Thousand is a journey back to why electronic music is so relevant. Originally offered as a three-disc collector’s box set, the initial album is now available. Tracks of choice prove to be “Playing Fields,” the instrumental “Fin de Jours” and the pulsating trance of “Deep.”

Take refuge in the title track with its lush piano riffs as well as first single “Going Deep” and its “Faithless”-like echo. GRADE: A-

Mike Tompkins

A Capella Covers

Enough indie reviews?

Then check out this internet sensation and eye appealing artist.

Tomkins’ twist: he recreates popular songs all with one instrument—his mouth. Using strange sounds and clicks to recreate musical instruments all layered and harmonized with his own vocals, the music of Adele, Katy Perry and Rihanna has never sounded more interesting. Though a lot can be attributed to post production, what he does is nothing short of amazing fun.

Moreover, his seemingly fun personality and facial expressions make Tompkins astounding. “Paradise,” “PYT,” “Dynamite” and “Forever” emerge as the best. GRADE: A. February 2012 www.IONAZ.com 53

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MEAT FRIDAYS

More

icepics

PHOTOS at www.IONAZ.com

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by Kimberly M. Ruff kimberlymruff@yahoo.com

Big Miracle Starring: Drew Barrymore, John Krasinski, Kristen Bell, Dermot Mulroney, Stephen Root The story of news reporter, Adam Carlson (Krasinski, The Office, Brief Interviews with Hideous Men) in a small-town in Alaska who recruits his ex-girlfriend, Rachel Kramer (Barrymore, 50 First Dates, Ever After), a Greenpeace volunteer to help rescue a family of gray whales trapped by rapidly thickening ice in the Arctic Circle. Based on the true story of Operation Breakthrough in which an Inuit hunter, Roy Ahmaogak, discovered a trapped family of whales in the Beaufort Sea near Alaska in 1988.

Using a chainsaw to cut a path in the ice leading to open water, his efforts gained attention, first on the local, then national—and international—levels.

Eventually, the U.S. State Department contacted to the Soviet Union requesting the help of two icebreakers. What makes this story so richly beautiful is that when this happened, the U.S. and the U.S.S.R. still had a – pardon the pun—chilly relationship, but set aside their differences to do something

A Couple of Fishy Stories unequivocally good. An inspirational story, presented with the joint accompaniment of Barrymore’s gorgeously expressive eyes. Release Date: 02/03/2012

Perfect Sense Starring: Ewan McGregor, Eva Green, Connie Nielsen, Stephen Dillane Something inexplicable is happening across the globe: the entire world’s population is being systematically destroyed by a mysterious epidemic that disables them, one sense at a time. The strange pathogen that is crippling humanity is only the backdrop for a race-against-the-clock love story starring Ewan McGregor as Michael, a chef, and Eva Green as Susan, an epidemiologist who happen to meet and fall in love while the rest of the world falls to pieces around them. Perfect Sense isn’t a microbiological thriller on par with Contagion or The Hot Zone. If you’re a fan of movies where time seems to stand still for the love that is shared by two people, then this film is right up your alley. If, however, you just want to see a bunch of people wrestle with a strange illness, you might just get sick yourself.

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H

e’s been in your living rooms millions of times. Smiled out at you from billboards and magazine ads. Entertainment Weekly selected him as “One of the Most Intriguing People” of 2002. Since the early years of this millennium, Verizon’s “Test Man” has asked America, “Can you hear me now?”

Now we’re hearing a lot more from Paul Marcarelli, 41, the man who brought the earnest, winsome, gentle and— now admit it—nebbishly sexy “Test Man” to life, helping shape one of the great ad campaigns for the past decade. Openly “out” as a Gay man since he was 19-years-old, this past autumn, Marcarelli revealed his orientation nationally with the release of The Green, a film he wrote and produced starring Jason Butler Harner (John Adams, Changeling, Alcatraz), Cheyenne Jackson (30 Rock, United 93), Julia Ormond (Legends of the Fall, Sabrina), Illeana Douglas (Cape Fear, Six Feet Under, Ghost World).

We Can Hear You Now

Paul

Marcarelli

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The Green explores what happens when a Gay couple leave New York City in search of elusive “greener pastures.” Michael Gavin (Harner) a teacher, is accused of sexual impropriety with a student from a dysfunctional, broken home. Michael’s position in the community and his relationship with his partner, Daniel (Jackson), is threatened when a mortifying “secret” from his past surfaces. What is salvaged?

What is sacrificed?

The eternally luminescent Ormond is his compassionate Lesbian lawyer, and the brilliant Douglas provides as much emotional support as she can while facing a crisis of her own.

“We put all of our hearts and souls into this film,” Marcarelli said as he discussed the challenges of being a Gay filmmaker.

“Any time you set out to create something that is Gay in theme you are making something inherently political. You’re perpetually in this push ‘n’ pull with the subject matter that you’re putting out there. You want to create something that is responsible and you feel accountable what you’re putting out into the culture, but you also want to tell the best story you can tell.”

Could a movie like this have been made five or even ten years ago? “The subject matter is really timely and very much ‘of the moment,’” Marcarelli gauged. “Certainly five years ago that wouldn’t have been the case.

A changing set of new social morés and conventions propel the story and the characters in The Green. “It casts a light on the very unique—I would say courageous—position one finds oneself in when one is the only Gay person on the block. I think when you’re not living in the Gay ghetto, the urban center where differences are celebrated and considered part of the fabric of a culture, places outside, it’s a very different front line of the battle for Gay rights, Marcarelli speculates.

“It really is the front line confronting these subtle forms of prejudice and bias every single day.

There’s a unique kind of insecurity that it engenders when you know that you do not share the same rights and privileges of the people living on either side of you on the street. It makes it hard for you to ever feel that your foothold in the world is very secure.

That engenders a kind of paranoia, and that’s very much a part of the film is the tension that you notice,” he said.

Marcarelli’s riveting script is convincing, natural, and still possesses a very real poetry as the actors unveil their characters’ prejudices and still reveal their fears and strengths.

“I was an actor first, for many, many years—I still make my living as an actor—I know what it feels like to receive a script that’s filled with exposition that’s clunky or unbalanced or unnatural dialogue and trying to find a way to make it your own,” he said. “I write the way I hear people speak. Butler Harner is such an exquisite actor. We handed him a page and a half of monologue which is almost unheard of in a film. In the very first take it was February 2012 www.IONAZ.com 59

and jetsam of a packrat’s emotions and life with Clutter, due out early 2013. this exquisite, letter-perfect delivery. It was an absolutely beautiful moment for him, Julia and the camera. It was beautiful work. It was one of those moments you hope you have one or two of them in your career.”

Next, Marcarelli sifts through the flotsam

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“It’s a dark comedy about a compulsive hoarder and her complicated relationship with her grown children,” he announced.

“Debbie Harry from ‘Blondie’ will be playing the hoarder. We’re thrilled to have her. We know that she possesses this very singular form of expression that’s exactly what this calls for.”

And of course there’s Marcarelli’s iconic persona as the Verizon Test Guy, who inaugurated “Nerd Chic” a decade ago with his thick-framed horn-rim glasses, chinos and windbreaker, touring America asking, “Can you hear me now? Good!” Marcarelli greets questions and jibes about Test Guy with a generosity humor and aplomb.

Test Guy even appeared in the middle of the Super Bowl and Jane Lynch tweeted her picture with him during the 2011 Emmy’s opening musical spectacular. As the Verizon Test Guy since the budding years in the first decade of the new millennium you’d think he’d feel like a pop cultural icon.

“I really don’t; I certainly recognize the resonance of the campaign has had and continues to have in a lot of ways.

But very early on I built in—I don’t know if it’s a neurotic response or if it’s professional behavior—a very healthy removal from all of it and it’s had very little effect on my ego. I don’t spend a lot of time dwelling on it. I don’t know how I feel; it’s like asking someone how their 30s felt. The job has been my entire 30s, so I wouldn’t know how to separate the two, really,” he speculated.

Yellow journalism muckraker TMZ conducted an online poll asking “Who’d You Rather [Do]?” Jared from Subway, or Test Guy, whose persona beat out the Subway’s former fatty 88% to 12%.

“That’s hilarious! I had no idea,” he laughed. He hastened to point out, “I don’t spend much time with TMZ. That’s very flattering; it’s good to know I still got it!”

I asked Marcarelli a battery of questions about the adorable, imaginary engineer: Did he ever give any thought to Test Guy’s life? What’s his name? Where does he live? Does he have any pets? Boxers or briefs?

“I didn’t really build a whole lot of backstory there,” he sportingly admitted. “I will definitely say that I gave a lot of thought to the work I was doing; I tried to bring as much consciousness as I could to it at the moment. But I’m gonna leave some of that as a mystery,” he teased.

What about the famous grey windbreaker?

“I think the uniform is locked in a closet somewhere,” he shrugged. “I absolutely do not have one.”

Will we see Paul Marcarelli in front of the cameras?

“I really don’t know! I’m still very much under contract to Verizon and the [Test Guy] character will appear from time to time. Whether or not I’ll take an acting role I’m not sure, I’m so focused on the work I’m doing right now with writing, producing and filmmaking. This what keeps me up at night, what I do all day long.”

Here’s the $64,000 Question: If you were to write the final five words for Test Man’s appearance, what would they be?

“I don’t intend for it to ever end; I don’t like to think about it. Okay ... ‘Test Man Will Live Forever.’

The Green is available on iTunes, Amazon, Wolfe Video & TheGreenTheMovie.com

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by Wes Bergman wesobergman@yahoo.com

Doctors & Patients Over the Edge (2012)

The Love Patient (2011)

Starring: Danny Bedford, Sean Hart Jason (Bedford) has been in a bit of a funk. A med school dropout, he works as a photocopier repair man, but bouts of insomnia bookended by strange blackouts have been keeping him out sick from work and loafing around his London flat. Meanwhile, the city is being terrorized by the most prolific serial killer in English history.

When he wakes to discover a corpse in his bed, he enlists the help of the object of his affection—his good natured coworker, Richard (Hart). Together they play pathologist and forensic detective, stoking Jason’s dormant passion for medicine and, of course, Richard. Is Jason getting all Fight Club on it and moonlighting as a ruthless killer when Richard thinks he’s asleep? Billed “daringly unique and sexy” by TLA Releasing, Over the Edge is neither, and as an act of compassion on par with shooting an irreparably wounded horse, I’m going to spoil the ending and tell you that Jason is not the killer, but it does little to explain Richard and his completely blasé attitudes about the dead body languishing not 10-meters away in the other room while they make out in the kitchen.

Toss in a couple of deeply uncomfortable close-ups of their Baby Jane-esque nextdoor-neighbor as she gives a long-winded crazy cat lady analysis of the serial killer’s genius that seem to span the entirety of the 74-minute run time, and the only thing that’s “over the edge” is the audience.

Starring: Benjamin Lutz, John Werskey, Madison Gray, Jackson Palmer Paul (Lutz) is the gay equivalent of Mad Men’s Don Draper—he’s a talented ad executive who relies heavily on his charisma and good looks to bend others to his will. For the most part, it works—except with his heartbreakingly lovely ex, Brad (Werskey).

For reasons not explicitly stated in the film, Brad left Paul nearly 10-months ago and the fact that he cannot, under any circumstances, woo Brad back is eating him alive.

Well, almost any circumstances.

When Paul’s best friend, Gabe (Jerry Ter Horst)—an oncology doctor—is threatened with losing his cancer clinic, Paul offers to bail him on one condition: he help him fake having cancer so he can use the looming threat of an impending death to get Brad back. It seems to be working until the whole house of cards threatens to collapse and Paul must come to terms with the fact that he’s terminally selfish and a chronic manipulator and just like cancer, it takes a lot of treatment to go into remission. For the lion’s share of the film you’ll continuously cringe when he plays sick like a grade school boy trying to stay home from class, but empathy for Paul’s desire to win the unabashedly sincere Brad back will keep you watching. A charming romantic comedy with a deeply gratifying resolution.

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LUV2LUV@FEZ Celebrate Feb 13 & 14

Chef EntrĂŠe, Wine & Dessert Specials Both Days Full Menu Also Available

Reservations 602.287.8700 Lunch. Dinner. Late Night.

Weekend Brunch. fezoncentral.com

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Eating Humble Pie

umble Pie usually implies retribution and abject humiliation for an error. Being fed a serving of humble pie? Well, it ain’t a good thing. However, at the cunning little pizza parlor called Humble Pie, you’ll actually look forward to eating it. A lot.

Humble Pie is one of the recent additions of bistros and cafés peppering what was becoming a rapidly deteriorating section of the boulevard and adding to a collective of unique, independent restaurants who embrace the neighborhood and are definitely out to make friends our of customers.

The friendly, brick dining room with a ceiling opened to the rafters is, well, “humble.” But the menu! Hardly. From a choice of eleven starters you owe it to yourself to try the crisp, tempura-fried green beans with whole grain mustard aioli ($7.95) or the ramekin of assorted olives roasted in-house for $3.95 are really something special. I kid you not.

pizza? Picky eaters can choose from burgers with a selection of toppings, or four grilled sandwiches. Pasta lovers will adore four choices creative entrées available, including a satisfying, brickthick, piece of traditional Lasagna with Meat Sauce for $11.95. We’re dying to try “Our Way” Mac & Cheese with mini penne pasta, aged white cheddar, fontina, pancetta & bread crumbs. All ingredients Humble Pie offers Express Lunches Mon.Fri. with different combos of pizza, soup, salad or sandwiches, Happy Hours, and the on Mondays get half-off select bottles of wine.

In the words of the Israeli Prime Minister, “Don’t be humble. You aren’t that great.”

Except at Humble Pie they are.

2333 N. 7th. St. 602-229-1289 HumblePieUSA.com

Now. On to the pizza. All pies are 11-12 inches and baked to perfection in their wood-fired oven. They feature 22 different pizzas to choose from, six of which are veggie-style. The most popular pizza Schreiner’s Sicilian Sausage, according to our waitress.

However, don’t miss out on the inventive Prosciutto & Pear Pizza with Gorgonzola, fresh pears and topped with arugula. Pizzas range from around $11.95 to $13.95. Hey, don’t gripe about them being “a little pricey,” they’re so totally worth it.

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PVCC

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February 2012

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WEEKE N D February 17-19

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xcitement is building as the second annual Volley Del Sol draws near. Desert Volleyball Alliance, Arizona’s indoor volleyball league, is proud to be producing their second NAGVA (National Gay Volleyball Association) tournament.

Twenty-one teams from all over the country will be descending on the Phoenix Metro area to compete during Presidents Day Weekend.

It starts with the Registration Party on Friday, February 17 at 6:30pm at Roscoe’s. The teams sign in, hang out, grab a couple drinks, and mingle with other tournament players. On Saturday morning, February 18, late registration and the tournament will be held at Arizona State University’s Student Recreation Center.

Come to Friends Bar on Saturday night, February 18 to the Seeding Party, when tournament brackets are announced and you’ll have the chance to meet players from cities across the country and some of our friends in Canada. Sunday morning they’re back at ASU for the Tournament and afterwards, the awards ceremony.

from all skills levels are encouraged to participate in the DVA’s Regular Seasons.

Two levels of league play—one for beginners and intermediate and another for Intermediate and Advanced players. Both leagues play at the Sports Club at City Square, 4000 N. Central Ave. at Clarendon Ave. DVA expects this next season to begin mid- to late May and interested players can always check on the DVA homepage for updates.

DVA does not discriminate; anybody can join! Reyes kidded adding, “There are no requirements for teams to have LGBT players, but if you want to have a great time it’s highly reccomended that you do.”

Desert Volleyball Alliance information and info on the Volley Del Sol can be found at

desertvolleyball.com This event is sponsored in part by ION Arizona.

Eric Reyes, DVA’s Commisioner, pictured explained, “Many of the organizers had played in NAGVA tournaments across the nation and we wanted to share the great experiences that we had with gay organized power volleyball in our hometown. This tournament was one of the main goals of DVA and one of the reasons for its creation.”

Join in the fun! Volleyball players February 2012 www.IONAZ.com 69

Join us for the 2012 Summer Season coming in May B Division: Wednesday's A Division: Thursday's See website for more details www.desertvolleyball.com Drop in on Saturdays for $5 Open Gym at Sports Club at City Square 4000 N Central Ave # 110 Phoenix, AZ 85012

Arizona State University SRC February 18th-19th 2012 8am-7pm

*Times may vary

Come watch teams from across the country compete in the 2nd annual Volley del Sol tournament and join us on Saturday, February 19th for an evening fun at Friends.

Check out www.desertvolleyball.com for more details Augustin G Lozano CPT, LMT Structural Therapist 70

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Phoenix Sunfish Gay & Lesbian Aquatics Club You don’t have to be Michael Phelps, but it helps! Sunfish members participate in community fundraising events, drowning and prevention awareness, coached workouts and social camaraderie in and out of the pool. The team is structured to accommodate a variety of swimmers and a range of age groups. Competitions take place here and abroad, too! New members are alway welcome! Find out more at PhxSunfish.org

AZ Gay Volleyball Association Join in the rowdy fun with the folks at AZ Gay Volleyball, Arizona’s Gay & Lesbian Volleyball Community! Nobody’s excluded from the game. If you’re looking for a great social outlet, and most of all, fun, then you’ll definitely fit in! Games are played at Radisson City Centre and at the Indian School Park! It all starts this month. Check out AZGV.org for more information.

FEBRUARY 2012 ION SPORTS LEAGUES & EVENTS DATE SPORT OR EVENT LOCATION WEBSITE Mon Sunfish Swimming ASU SRC phxsunfish.org Weds Hellraisers Flag Football Practices Washington Park phoenixflagfootball.com Thur Sunfish Swimming Christown YMCA phxsunfish.org Sat Sunfish Swimming ASU SRC phxsunfish.org Fri + Sun Phoenix Tennis Alliance Open Play Phoenix Tennis Ctr. phoenixtennisalliance.com 2/18 - 19 Volley Del Sol - NAGVA Tournament ASU SRC DesertVolleyball.com 2/6 + 2/13 Open Play for AZGV Steele Park AZGV.org 3/11 New Player Freeze Deadline for Cactus Cities Softball cactuscities.com 4/13 - 15 Saguaro Cup (Softball) Phoenix, AZ saguarocup.com MAY Desert Vollyball Summer Season Sports Club DesertVolleyball.com

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It’s Nice to SHARE

HARE Nightclub and Ultra Lounge, Las Vegas’ newest gay hot spot is celebrating their official grand opening on Saturday, March 3 with a star-studded red carpet of celebrities from Las Vegas and afar, including Angel Porrino, Josh Strickland and Laura Croft from E!’s TV hit “Holly’s World,” Penn and Teller, Josh Flagg and Madison Hildebrand with Bravo’s “Million Dollar Listing,” and Jai Rodriguez with Bravo’s “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” SHARE owner and Las Vegas local Michael Crisp said, “Remember when Vegas had the reputation for courtesy, respect and great customer service?

We’re bringing that back at SHARE.” Celebrity photographer Adam Bouska and partner Jeff Parshley from the NOH8 Campaign will “Share the Equality” and make you feel like a star as they photograph grand opening guests and celebrities for their now iconic marriage equality images. Beginning at 9 p.m. the first 100 guests will receive complimentary photos courtesy of SHARE, but the shoot will continue until 11:00 p.m. with your taxdeductible $20 contribution going towards the NOH8 Campaign. Afterwards, sparkling stars from many Vegas shows will walk the red carpet and strike their own pose for NOH8.

SHARE has the hottest staff in Las Vegas and promises you’ll be impressed by their friendly service as much as by their Diesel skivvies. SHARE is the only Gay nightclub A D V E R T I S E M E N T

in Las Vegas with an adult entertainment license and VIP booths for private dancing upstairs in the ultra lounge. Guests can get a little more personal with SHARE’s sexy go-go boys beyond merely leaving a big tip.

The $7 million stand-alone club is divided into SHARE Nightclub downstairs and the Ultra Lounge up. The nightclub’s unique dance floor has plenty of space to party while providing a friendly intimacy.

Cabanas with sheer drapes keep you in the party while allowing for little more intimacy.

Upstairs guests can enjoy the luxurious modern Vegas retro privacy of the Ultra Lounge and bar and VIP private booths. Ask a shot boy how he can make your experience a little more “sharable.”

SHARE has something for you every night of the week with Happy Hours and daily specials. Stop off after work with a friend for two-for-one cocktails in the Ultra Lounge on Wednesday evenings.

Tuesdays is Karaoke Night for those who need to channel their inner Lady Gaga and Thursdays is Drag Night with star drag performers from across the country. The sweetest night in Las Vegas will be Sugar Fridays at SHARE. What’s your flavor of boy? “Sugar” is going to be Charlie and the Chocolate Factory meets Candyland meets Alice in Wonderland. Sugar is pop night at SHARE. It will be all about Top 40 and pop remixes. Don’t miss “SHARE Saturday” and see and hear great headline performers and music from top international DJs.” SHARE the experience online at ShareNightclub.com.

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Ready to Ride with the Men of HomoRodeo.com Photos by Lupine Enterprises, LLC.

G iddyup, buckaroos! The

Arizona Gay Rodeo Association is hosting the annual RoadRunner Regional Rodeo February 17-19 at Rawhide. The cowboys at HomoRodeo.com have been volunteering and sayin’ “Howdy” to broncobusters at IGRA sponsored gay rodeos from sea to shining sea—and every prairie in between.

So saddle up the ol’ cayuse and join in the fun, pardners!

Mosey on down to the ol’ watering hole at Bar1 on Friday February 17th-- where you can meet the woolly-bully cowpokes from HomoRodeo.

com’s very special calendar, “Cowboy Outlaws” There’ll be plenty of vittles, firewater, drink specials and prizes.

Best of all, you’ll get a chance to say, “Howdy” to some the rootin’-tootin’ hunks from the 2012 charity calendar and pick up one of the few remaining calendars of your own. Proceeds from their hot ‘n’ steamy calendar go to charity, too So saddle up! We’ll see you on Friday, February 17 at Bar1 at 3702 N. 16th St. in Phoenix.

For more information and details check out HomoRodeo.com February 2012 www.IONAZ.com 75

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The Men of HomoRodeo.com

Photos by Lupine Enterprises, LLC. February 2012 www.IONAZ.com 77

Road

Runner Regional Rodeo February 17th - 19th 2012 Rodeo Weekend Schedule

Friday, February 17 Contestant Registration - Rawhide Branding Iron Room - 6pm - 9pm HomoRodeo.com MEET-n-GREET / Model Recruiting - Bar 1 - 7:00PM - Midnight Country Idol Finals - Rawhide Entertainment Pavilion - Starts 8pm.

Saturday, February 18 Rodeo Events – Rawhide - Starts 8am Rodeo Shuttle Runs to/from Charlie’s All Day Sunday, February 19 Rodeo Events - Rawhide - Starts 8am Awards Ceremony - Rawhide Entertainment Pavilion - Starts 8:30pm Rodeo Shuttle Runs to/from Charlie’s All Day Monday, February 20 Survivors Brunch - Charlie’s - 11am 78

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OUTRAGEOUS!

EPA Declares Sequin Forests Endangered

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The fashion world became a little less sparkly when the Environmental Protection Agency announced that Earth’s amazing Sequin Forests ANY RESEMBLANCE are threatened due to sequin harvest mismanagement and forced sequin overproduction.

Sale and export of sequins is being severely curtailed.

TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY

with escalating demands for cocktail dresses, clutches and evening gowns.

Drag queens and female impersonators ACCIDENTAL are particularly hard hit by the controversial measures limiting sequin sales.

“Girl,” said Felicia Fallopia “The sequin of Beaverton, demand of today is OR, “I gotta much, much higher pageant to go than it was, say, in to, and I ain’t 1972RESEMBLANCE when most got enough ANY TRUTH IS IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL ANY RESEMBLANCETO TOTHE THE TRUTH TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL things were avocado green or harvest gold (expletive deleted) sequins for my (expletive and really ugly. Even then the nation’s deleted) gown. Nobody wants to see a queen Polyester Prairies nearly disappeared,” without any bling!” said EPA Administrator Lisa P. Jackson.

Sequins are also a primary food source for Sequin Trees flourish in a delicately dwindling herds of Unicorn, an endangered controlled environment and require a species. Fourth Grade girls everywhere will special fertilizer of glitter and rhinestones. be heartbroken should they become extinct.

The out of control harvesting to keep up

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

OUTRAGEOUS! James Cameron to Direct

“Costa Concordia”

DiCaprio & Winslet Star OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

HOLLYWOOD— How do you top Titanic, the highest grossing film of all time? If you’re writer/director and RESEMBLANCE co-producer ANY James Cameron, you follow it up with another monstrously epic motion picture that will leave audiences gasping.

Get ready for Costa Concordia.

TO THE TRUTH IS

peeling the seemingly indestructible steel hull away and it begins sinking, audiences discover what true love is all about. Again.”

Cameron expanded.

TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL “Totally original. Boy gets girl, boy loses girl when big boat kinda sinks.”

The sure-fire blockbuster will star Leonardo di Caprio and Kate Winslet as the starboard-crossed lovers on the big boat.

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

Cameron is enthusiastic about the new project “Cameron’s opus has and elaborated.

‘Oscar (Maybe!)’

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL “Picture it: Italy. written all over it!”

2012. A poor, gushed one studio peasant boy insider. “How can we in search of his fortune is a stowaway go wrong?” aboard the Italian cruise ship, Costa Concordia. While on board he meets Songbird Celine Dion is slated to record a wealthy socialite who is unhappily the picture’s them song, “My Heart Will engaged to a menacing Wall Street Go On A Little Bit More” and you’ll hear it tycoon. When the mighty ship hits a reef, everywhere for the next two or three years.

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

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February 2012

February 2012 www.IONAZ.com 89

90 90 www.IONAZ.com www.IONAZ.com February February 2012 2012

IONARIZONA 1.

Alpha Boys Cabaret

1702 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

2.

Amsterdam

718 N. Central Ave. - Downtown PHX (602) 258-6122

3.

2303 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 956-2885

4.

Anvil

Apollo’s

5749 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

(602) 277-9373

5.

Bar 1

3702 N. 16th St. - Phoenix

(602) 266-9001

6.

Bliss / Rebar

901 N. 4th St. - Phoenix

(602) 795-1792

7.

BS West

7125 E. 5th Ave. - Scottsdale

(480) 945-9028

8.

Bunkhouse

4428 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 200-9154

9.

Cash Inn

2140 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 244-9943

10. Charlie’s

727 W. Camelback Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 265-0224

11. Club 24

2424 E. Thomas Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 334-1462

12. Cruisin’ 7th

13. Dick’s Cabaret

3702 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

(602) 212-9888

3432 E. Illini Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 274-DICK

14. FLEX Men’s Club

1517 S Black Canyon Hwy - Phoenix

(602) 271-9011

15. Friends

1028 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix (602) 277-7729

16. icepics videobar

3108 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 267-8707

17. Karamba

1724 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 254-0231

18. Kobalt

3110 N. Central Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 264-5307

19. OZ

1804 W. Bethany Home Rd. - Phoenix (602) 242-5114

20. Plazma

1560 E. Osborn Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 266-0477

21. Rainbow Cactus

15615 N. Cave Creek Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 971-1086

22. The Rock

23. Roscoe’s

4129 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 248-8559

4531 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

(602) 285-0833

24. ZOAN (formerly Z Girl)

4301 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 265-3233

26. IBT’S See map on pg 90

616 N. 4th Ave. - Tucson

(520) 882-3053

27. Woody’s See map on pg 90 3710 N. Oracle Rd. - Tucson

Recommended

(480) 374-3222

(520) 292-3702

February 2012 www.IONAZ.com www.IONAZ.com 91 91

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February 2012 www.IONAZ.com 93

IONBAR GUIDE PHOENIX

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

NEW! Alpha Boys

Dollar Dances Specials all night

Dollar Dances Specials all night

2-4-1 VIP Dances

Amsterdam

Signature Night

One Woman Show Kiki Vermont $3 Smirnoff Cocktails

Karaoke 1/2 OFF for Arts & Industry

Apollo’s

2-4-1 well & domestic 4pm-10pm

$5 red cup/50¢ refills 10a-10p Karaoke 9pm

$5 red cup/50¢ refills 10a-10p Male Strippers 10:30pm

Bar 1

10a-4p $1.75 well/ Bud Lt draft HH 4-7 $2.50 well, bottle & draft

10a-4p $1.75 well/ Bud Lt draft $2 dom bottle 6-9p

Shirtless Sundays! $1.25 Bud Light draft w/ shirt off

Happier Hour 3-6:30p 2-4-1well $5 martinis-$3 all beer & h wine

Brunch 10am-2pm $4 Bloody $3 glass or $10 mimosas pitch

Sunday Chill 2-7pm 2-4-1 alcohol / $10 bucket beer

BS West

The Elements Show 10pm Dance Party $5 u-call-it Drinks

2-4-1 everything all night Go-go Boyz / Extended Patio

LOCKER ROOM / Karaoke 9:30pm $2 Draft / $3 Marys & Screws

Charlie’s

$3 pitchers/2-4-1 well/dom 2-7p $1 Happy Hour 7-9p/Afterhours

$3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 12-7p $1 Happy Hour 7-9p/Afterhours

Volleyball 4-7pm, NEW 3-4-1 $3 Long Islands, $3 pitchers

NEW! Club 24

2-4-1 Well 5-10pm

Open 5pm-2am

MALE STRiPPERS! 8pm 2-4-1 Well 5-10pm

Cruisn’ 7th

Friday Night Follies with Mia 10:30 pm

AZ Leathermen Strippers 4:3 New Show Hostess Mia Adams

Morning Madness 1st & 3rd Sun $3 Svedka cocktails 7p-close

Dick’s Cabaret

2-4-1 VIP Dances 7pm ‘til 9pm

Off the Hook Tons of Prizes & Giveaways

2-4-1 Cover Charge, Dances & VIP Wristbands

$3 Pomegranate Presses Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

$3 Bottle Beer & Tequila Shot Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

$3 Brunch Drinks 50% off bottles of wine

R Bliss / ReBAR

R FEZ

Sunday Brunch 10am-2pm $12.50 Mimosa & Bloody Mary Specials

Friends

H.H. FREE Appetizers 5-7pm Freeky Friday w/Celia Putty

icepics

MEAT - Hot Go Go Dancers $2.50 dom / $3 well / $4 Lg Isl.

Drag Show $4 SKYY cocktails 10pm

Show Tunes Sundays 2pm-8pm 2-4-1 drinks

Karamba

Vaquero Fridays 9pm-11pm Reverse Happy Hour $2 drinks

Top 40 Saturdays 9pm-11pm Reverse Happy Hour $2 drinks

Top 40 Sundays Diamond Show $3 Pitcher Beer Bust

R Maizie’s

Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

Happy Hour Brunch 9a-2p 3-6pm Everyday

Brunch All Day Closes at 4pm

R Mi Patio

Fridays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Saturdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Sundays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm- Open 2-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm-Open 11-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm-Open 11-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

R Roscoe’s*

Fiesta Friday $3 Cervezas Roscoe’s Dancers @ 10:30pm

Happy Hour 10am-7pm Free Darts All afternoon

Make your Bloody Mary Bar $8 Lg Isnd Pitch. $3 Beer Pitch.

R Switch

Fri: $3 House Margaritas Open from 11am-Midnight

Sat: $3 House Cosmo Martini Open from 10am-Midnight

$3 Sweet Tea Vodka Lemonade $3 Breakfast Carafes Open @ 10

R Ticoz

Fridays 1/2 off Coronas all day Happy Hour 3-6:30pm

Saturday 1/2 off well vodka Brunch 10a-3p - HH 3-6:30p

Sundays 1/2 off Sangria Pitch Brunch 10a-3p - HH 3-6:30

Happy Hour 5-9pm DJ Spin 9pm-Close

Happy Hour 1 5-9pm DJ Spin 9pm-Close

Happy Hour 5-9pm $5 Heel Lifter w/ John Breem 9p-cl

IBT’s

Flawless Fridays China Colins Karaoke

Saturday Night Starlets w/Janee Starr Karaoke

Cheap Ass Sundays Karaoke

Woody’s

Happy Hour 11am-8pm

Happy Hour 11am-8pm

Happy Hour 11am-8pm Karaoke 4pm-2am

The Rock

NEW! Zoan

TUCSON

R 94

FULL MENU

* LIMITED MENU/TIMES

www.IONAZ.com February 2012

FREE PROJECT HARD HAT CONDOMS

MONDAY Closed Mondays

TUESDAY $5 COVER all night!

Martini Mondays $5 Martinis

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

Amateur Show 9pm

2-4-1 VIP Dances

$1 Beer Wednesdays $1 Domestic Beer

Show Night: Kik Vermont $3 Smirnoff & $3 All Beers

Big Gay Game Challenge 7:30 Happy Hour All day / All night

Karaoke 9:30pm

Drag Bingo 9:30 2 for 1 u-call-it all day/night

Live Cabaret Show 8 pm $2 off any martini

Monday Beer Bust $1 Bud Light draft 4p-close

KAROKE @9pm $2.50 well, dom bottle & drafts

$1 OFF in your undies/leather 10a-4p $1.75 well/ Bud Lt draft

10a-4p $1.75 well/ Bud Lt draft 2-4-1 U Call It 4pm- close

Student Salvation Mondays $20 Plate of apps + bottle wine

Twofer Tuesdays $20 2 burgers/fries/2 dom beer

2-4-1 Wednesdays 9pm-close 2-4-1 on ALL drinks

Thirstday Thursdays $4 AMF, Lng Islnd/ Skinny drink

Anything Goes Mondays 9pm $1 Draft / $3 Well / $4 Bomber

Stars of Tomorrow Show $1 Off Beer/$2 Off Call/$5 Well

2-4-1 All Day and All Night A valley tradion!

Amateur Strip Night w/ Mandi $1 Shots / $2 Draft / $3 Well

Underwear Party 8-cl 2-4-1 2-8pm $3 pitch. 2-4-1 well/dom

2-8p $3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 8p-Close 2-4-1 cocktails/dom

2-8p $3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 8p-close $3 Smirnoff

2-4-1 All Day! Cocktails and beer 2-4-1 Well 5-10pm

Karaoke 9pm

Steppin’ Out TC Taylor hosts 10:30 pm - $2 domestic

AZ Leathermen Strippers 10:30 pm

2-4-1 Cover Charge, Dances, VIP Wristbands

Amateur Night Starts at 10pm

WTF Wednesdays $5 Cover and almost everything else

Stripper Karaoke

$3 Burgers $ Margaritas Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

‘tini Tuesdays $3 Martinis Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

$20 Any Bottle of Wine Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

$3 G Spots Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

Monday Night Karaoke 9p-1a 2-4-1 8am-2pm (M-F)

NEW: Meatgrinder 9p Dating Game w/ Celia Putty

NEW: AMIGOS Go-go boys/DJ $5 Latin Inspired Drink

2-4-1 Thursday Well & Domestic ALL DAY

FREE Poker Tournament 7pm and 10pm

GLEE starting at 7pm 2-4-1 drinks during the show

Karaoke starting at 9pm $3 well/$2.50 dom./$4 martinis

2-4-1 in undies beer/well 9p-cl $3 Three Olives Thursdays

Karaoke Mondays DJ Ramon $2 drinks & $3 Pitch. Beer Bust

Salsa Tuesday Savannah Show $2 drinks & $3 Pitch. Beer Bust

Top 40 Wed. Barbra Seville $2 drinks & $3 Pitch. Beer Bust

TEJANO Ruby Show $2 drinks & $3 Pitch. Beer Bust

$4 Bistro Burgers 4-10pm $10 off of all Bottled Wines

Pizza/Wine Special Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

BBQ Short Ribs Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

$3 Mexican Beers Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

Mondays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Tuesdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Wednesdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Thursdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm- Open 2-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm- Open 2-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm- Open 2-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm- Open 2-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

Monday Pool Tournament 2-4-1 beer & well 7pm-close

2 for Tuesdays 2-4-1 drinks all day

Wednesday TRIVIA @ 9pm All Day Happy Hour

Gold Fish Races @ 9pm 2-4-1 7pm

Mon: $3 House Chard and Cab Open from 11am-Midnight

Tue: $3 Drunken Italian Sodas Open from 11am-Midnight

Wed: $3 Sangrias Open from 11am-Midnight

Thur: $3 Caipirinhas Open from 11am-Midnight

Mondays 1/2 off Mojitos HH 3-6:30pm - Open 11am-Mid

Tuesdays 1/2 off Sangrias HH 3-6:30pm - Open 11am-Mid

Wednesdays 1/2 off Margaritas HH 3-6:30pm - Open 11am-Mid

Thursdays 1/2 off draft beer HH 3-6:30pm - Open 11am-Mid

Happy Hour 5-9pm S.I.N. 2-4-1 for service indstry

Happy Hour 5-9pm 2-4-1 9pm-Close

Happy Hour 5-9pm Karaoke @ 9pm

Happy Hour 5-9pm Beer Bust $2 Pitchers

Reverse Happy Hour

Taco Tuesdays Only $1 From Chef James Espino

Viva La Diva!

Janee Starr & Special Guests

Therapy Thursdays 2-4-1 Go-go Dancers 10pm

Happy Hour 11am-8pm

Happy Hour 11am-8pm 2-4-1 Tuesdays 9pm

Happy Hour 11am-8pm

Happy Hour 11am-8pm

ION ARIZONA February 2012 www.IONAZ.com 95

MEET

AL REMEN!

Phoenix

602.993.4567 Tucson

520.791.2345 FREE CODE: IONAZ Other local numbers:

1-888-634-2628

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by Addison DeWitt

Lucky readers! It’s my annual “Love Stinks” column where I commemorate the Valentine’s Day when back in 1993 my “true” love ripped out my still beating heart and smashed it on the ground while he laughed in my face ... laughed, I tell you! A few short weeks later he moved in with a Circle K clerk and they’re still together, I hear. Well, I showed him!

I’ve stayed single, ever since!

I think I just may write—and star in—in a way-way-off Broadway production about my story called “Addie Get Your Stun Gun” about stalking and hunting down an ex until he slaps a restraining order on you. Not that that actually happened to me.

Well, not quite.

But you know could star in it? The very handsome Stephen Serna (pictured top), whose fine baritone got him cast as sharpshooter Oakley’s love interest, the sexy Frank Butler, in Desert Stages production of Annie Get Your Gun, through February 11. (By the way, that was not a paid announcement nor my own nonsolicited semi-pseudo-quasi-celebrity testimonial.) My favorite highlight of the show is the song, “You Can’t Get a Man with a Gun.” Which isn’t always true. Just ask the sextacular hotshot Joshua Fourrier (pictured below) (who makes me a little

weak in the jaw, if you know what I mean), the personality behind QTalk Arizona’s Compete Sports (and a real dish at Dish Network!). Seems Josh recently wandered into the wrong Circle K at the wrong time for a Slim Jim and a Big Gulp when an robber held up the inconvenient store, the cash register’s receipts, four packages of Little Debbie’s Snack Cakes, a bottle of Mountain Dew and a copy of the weekkly rag The Slammer.

Hey, I wonder if this is the same Circle K where my ex’s crazy boyfriend works?

We’re dying to know: did the thief make off with your very, very lovely family jewels, Josh, darling? It must’ve been chaos!

And this is the worst part of the story.

After the stick-up, our brave, slightly shaken (and still very, very attractive) Josh left thirsty with no Diet Coke when the store closed after the cops came.

Next time come to the Wonder-Vu Trailer Court, where I live. I’ll keep a six-pack in the ‘fridge just for you, sweetie. Right next to the half-&-half and the bottle of Poppers.

Just kidding! Just kidding! I don’t have any half-&-half! But I do have some very nice, juicy deli meat for you. Wink, wink!

Everybody agrees that my bratwurst is the best. After all? Who doesn’t love a good ol’ sausage fest?

But for your bravery, you win “ION Party Penguin of the Month®,” Josh! Our hero! _ If you’d like to sample or swap sausage meat with Addison, send him a photo and a description of your favorite way to grind sausage to RumorHound@aol.com February 2012 www.IONAZ.com 97

98

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February 2012

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

“Daisy, Daisy! Give me your answer, do!”

Someone special pops a question to you.

Will it be THE Question, or something like, “Is this contagious?” A Virgo thinks your cute. A Cancer thinks you’re cuter.

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20

Somebody needs to hear you say, “I love you,” and they’ll be eating out of your hand. Whisper something dirty in their ear and watch them go mad with desire. Hint: Aquarians have filthy minds. Show ‘em your privates. In public.

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22

A silly infatuation you have risks turning into an scary obsession. No Facebook Stalking for you! One night on the town will distract you and you’ll channel this energy into the corral a hot, eager Taurus. Or maybe a Capricorn.

Or a Leo.

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23

Somebody who two-timed you once upon a time comes back. You’ve wised up; but you’ll still probably have a roll in the hay for old times’ sake. Who can turn down a freaky Aquarian?

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23

Nothin’ says lovin’ like something from a very high priced department store. Like Barney’s. Splurge for your honey because you’ll get something great in return. Maybe you can put a dollar amount to it, maybe not. A Libra is watching, so do something dramatic.

“Still waters run deep” describes you. However, a casual date unleashes the power of the mighty Kraken in your stormy, emotional seas. And that’s a good thing, matey. So batten down your hatches! Smooth sailing with a Pisces mid-month.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20

You wear your heart on your sleeve. Now you’ve got gravy on it and a little butter, too.

Later this month someone will sweep you off your feet. Maybe for a little while, maybe longer. Don’t overanalyze it. Enjoy the attentions of a Sagittarius.

You’ll be wined and dined because someone wants to get to know you, despite your stubborn, contrary nature lately. So don’t screw it up. We don’t wanna hear about it later, okay?

An Aries is always fun!

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22

This month you’re a real wildcat between the sheets, Leo. Meow! Maybe it’s the Friskies in your bowl, but every alley cat in wants to play with your weird toy that has a feather, a bit of foil ribbon and a bell tied to a stick. Even Libras! Whatever! Go for it!

You’re always a little kooky. Your birthday might find you dancing with a lampshade on your head. What else is new? Romance comes knocking at your back door—wink, wink—even if it’s temporary, you’ll have a great story to tell in the locker room about a Virgo.

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

Admit it, you were the kid who drew hearts and smiley faces on your notebooks when you had a crush on somebody. Even if you’re a boy. You haven’t changed much, you sentimental fool. Someone makes your heart go pitter-pat. Probably a Libra.

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www.IONAZ.com February 2012

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

Enjoy a month of Liz Taylor-size excesses.

Your “larger-than-life” approach to living is extravagant and admirable. If it’s your birthday, you’ll possibly do something that keeps people talking for weeks to come. It comes as no surprise to close Scorpio, of course.

February 2012 www.IONAZ.com 101