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Lambda car club
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PHOENIX / SCOT TSDALE
Photos by Gregg Edelman, Mark Nowery, Larry Huber, Richard Ridley, & Roger Samonek.
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3819 North 3rd Street Suite 26, Phoenix, AZ 85012 (602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com ionarizona@me.com Publisher / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero ............................................ jacktesorero@me.com
CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ..................................................... kbushaw@me.com Editor Deon Brown ................................................... ionazeditor@me.com COPY EDITOR .......................................................... Austin Head GRAPHIC DESIGNER ......................................... Angel Jimenez SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR ..................... Stacey Jay Cavaliere PRODUCTION & Artwork SUBMISSIONS
ionazproduction@me.com Advertising Sales Jack Tesorero, .......................................................... (602) 750-1164
jacktesorero@me.com
Danny Catt, Regional Sales Director ......................... (520) 429-5905
ionazsales@me.com
Photographers:
Fernando Hernandez Danny Catt Scotty Kirby Sean Kapera Franklin Diaz National Advertising Representative Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 ContributORS:
Stacey Jay Cavaliere Addison DeWitt C. Edwards Ted Kirby
Peter Lora Paul Sanchez Miss Tiger
Published monthly by
1995-2015: 20 Years of Design and Creative Excellence Š 2015 JMT Designs, Inc.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ
All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee. NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company. Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.
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Welcome to the Great Outdoors!
ou’ve got to love Arizona this time of year. Forget the coming summer heat, this is the time to get out and enjoy this great state. Enjoy the Great Outdoors! As I write this, Arizona is hosting the NFL Pro Bowl, the WM Phoenix Open, and the NFL Super Bowl. The cities of Phoenix, Glendale, Scottsdale and our community are doing a great job welcoming the millions of people who are visiting our state. I hope you got out and enjoyed some of the excitement surrounding these incredible events or the action itself. This time of year is when our community really shines. Sports are a huge part of our community. Whether you play or you’re a spectator, you can’t deny the energy that sports bring. From volleyball with AZGV, skiing in Flagstaff at Snowbowl, swimming with the Phoenix Sunfish, flag football with the Phoenix Hellraisers, playing kickball with the Friends with Benefits league, softball with the Cactus Cities and don’t forget about the sexy cowboys (and a few cowgirls, too) competing at the popular AGRA Rodeo weekend. Check out our Spring Sports Preview on page 29. If sports aren’t your thing, we’ve got more. Frank Marino, the legendary Las Vegas 16
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female impersonator and headliner for nearly 30 years returns to Phoenix with his “Divas” to Talking Stick Resort. Check out the great interview on page 32. We rarely review a restaurant twice, but one of our favorite restaurants (and loyal advertiser!) has a new location and an updated menu, so we just had to. Check out the new FEZ review on page 53. We are excited to announce that we are promoting the first annual “ION Day” at the Arizona Renaissance Festival on Sunday, March 8th. We have worked for this partnership for almost 10 years. We will be giving away free tickets all month on our website and our Facebook page. Check back often! Get out, enjoy our weather, support your community and read this issue cover to cover. Be good to yourself, to your friends and family. That’s all I ask.
Jack M. Tesorero Great Outdoors Lover
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Resurrection Get ready to dance until the sun comes up! Brazilian Gustavo Scorpio burns the house down with his own high energy circuit, tribal and progressive house music at this month’s Resurrection on Friday, February 13 from 9 p.m. ‘til 4 a.m. the next morning. It happens at the Press Room, 441 W. Madison St. in Phoenix. Discount tickets available at EventBrite.com. Start planning now for legendary DJ Manny Lehman on Friday, March 13. (See ad on page 2)
30th Annual AZ Gay Rodeo If you can rope ‘em, you can ride ‘em! It’s time for the Arizona Gay Rodeo! Watch the Pole Bending, Barrel Racing, Bull Riding and more! Catch these Bronco Busters February 13-15 at the Corona Ranch & Rodeo Grounds, 7611 S. 29th Ave. at Baseline Rd. in Laveen. For more info info visit AGRA-PHX.com or check out p. 20 Don’t forget the HomoRodeo. com rodeo kick-off party at Stacy’s @ Melrose on Friday, February 13.
Red Party Celebrate Valentine’s Day and true love with the super-sexy Andrew Christian underwear studs Pablo Hernandez and Kevin Benoit. Nothing says “I Love You” better than AC underwear giveaways and other prizes! !Muy caliente! Where? Only at Karamba! 1724 E. McDowell Rd. in Phoenix. See ads pp. 8-9
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Fresh Brunch Just like Whitney Houston, we believe that children are our future! Teach them well and let them lead the way. So make plans now to attend the 6th Annual one•n•ten Fresh Brunch on Sunday, March 1 from 10:30-2 p.m. at Marriott Camelback Inn Resort, 5402 E. Lincoln Rd. in Paradise Valley. All proceeds benefit programs helping Valley LGBTQ youth. For tix go to onnten.org. See ad p. 54
ION Day at the Renaissance Festival Let us party like it’s 1499! Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, lads and lasses, because Sunday, March 8 is the premier of ION Day at the Arizona Renaissance Festival and Artisan Market! Compete in the ION Pageant at the Royal Pavilion at 2 p.m. where contestants will be judged on Costume, Personality & Regality! Win prizes! The Renaissance Festival runs from February 7-March 29. Take the US 60 and keep driving past Gold Canyon. See ad p. 43
FEBRUARY 2015 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE
EVENT
LOCATION
5 7-3/29 7 7 8 11 11 13-15 13-15 13-15 16 13 13 14 15 19 20 20 27 28 28
Juan Gabriel After Party Karamba Renaissance Festival Off US 60 Blush & Bashful Ritz Carlton Bachelor/Bachelorette Auction Stacy’s Willo Home Tour Willo Neighborhood Mini- Rodeo Charlie’s Mr. Karamba Vaquero Karamba AZ Gay Rodeo Corona Ranch Rodeo Weekend Charlie’s Rodeo Weekend Aqua Survivors Brunch Charlie’s HomoRodeo.com Rodeo Kick-Off Party Stacy’s Resurrection The Press Room Red Party Karamba Tumbleweed Fundraising Party Stacy’s Chinese New Year Karamba Fuego Latino Karamba Bearracuda The Rock Fire Ball IBT’s SKYY Vodka Flavor Launch Stacy’s Back to Camelot Bunkhouse
1 5-6 5-8 7 8
Fresh Brunch ION Snow Bowl Ski Trip SW Leather Sir/Boy Contest Melrose on 7th Ave Street Fair ION Day at the Renaissance Fair
MARCH
CITY
Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Laveen Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Tucson Phoenix Phoenix
Camelback Inn Resort Paradise Valley Snowbowl Flagstaff see ad p. 12 Phoenix East Gold Cyn. February 2015 www.IONAZ.com 19
Ride ‘em Cowboy!
Arizona Gay
Rodeo 30th Anniversary
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i-yi-yippee, yippee yay! Git along, little dogies! It’s time for the 30th annual Arizona Gay Rodeo! The sheep’s in the meadow and the cow’s in the corn! Finish up your chores, put on your go-to-meetin’ clothes and get ready to kick up your heels!
Rodeo School
For all of you “greenhorns” who are breakin’ your boots in, Rodeo School is a great way to learn the ropes! It’s only $20 per student, per event. Events include Chute Dogging, Steer Decorating, Calf Roping on foot, and Steer Riding. Each student is guaranteed two “go’s” in each paid event, and additional “go’s will be allowed if time permits. Lookin’ for another challenge? A Barrel Racing clinic is also available for $50 per person.
Party Bus
Party Bus $35 tickets include Rodeo Admission, a genuine, commemorative t-shirt that’s bound to be a collector’s item, $10 worth of Rodeo drink tickets, transportation to and from Corona Ranch,
refreshments and fun on the bus with lots of other cowpokes!
Singin’ & Dancin’
The best darn barn dance y’all can find this side of the Rio Grande! You’ll enjoy singing, line dancing, clogging, two-stepping along with menfolk dressed up ladies’ finery–drag, that is–all weekend long! Yee-haw! Hometown buckaroo David Hernandez from American Idol will be on stage on Saturday, February 14 around 2 o’clock to sing for you! It’s better than the Grand Ol’ Opry! AGRA Rodeo 2015 February 13–15 HOURS: Friday 5 p.m. ‘til close Saturday and Sunday Gates open at 9 o’clock a.m. The Rodeo starts 10 a.m. Corona Ranch and Rodeo Grounds 7611 S. 29th Ave. (29th Avenue and Baseline Road) in beautiful Laveen, Arizona! The Arizona Gay Rodeo is an IGRASanctioned Rodeo.
AZ Gay Rodeo 2015 Events Listing DATE
2/11 2/13 2/14 2/14 2/14 2/14 2/15 2/15 2/15 2/16
EVENT
Mini Rodeo Rodeo School AZ Gay Rodeo Grand Entry AZ Gay Rodeo Party Bus AZ Gay Rodeo Return Bus AZ Gay Rodeo AZ Gay Rodeo Party Bus AZ Gay Rodeo Return Bus Survivors Brunch
TIME
LOCATION
9:30pm Charlie’s Phx Registration 9am-10:30am Corona Ranch 10am Corona Ranch 1pm Corona Ranch 11am, 12pm, 1pm, 2pm Charlie’s Phx 6pm, 7pm, 8pm, 9pm Corona Ranch 10am Corona Ranch 12pm Charlie’s Phx 6pm Corona Ranch 11:00am Charlie’s February 2015 www.IONAZ.com 21
TUESDAY NIGHT KARAOKE
FOR MORE PHOTOS VISIT IONAZ.COM
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BAR 1 PATIO BAR + TEQUIL A LOUNGE
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DESPERADO FILM FEST
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PVCC
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FwB KICKBALL
STEELE PARK
PARTY CAM
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AZ Gay Volleyball & Desert Volleyball Alliance
Phoenix has two amazing Volleyball Leagues! DVA plays mainly indoor and hosts open play every Thursday and Saturday, and AZGV plays mainly outdoor. AZGV Open Play dates are February 2 and 9, and the following Mondays and Tuesdays are League play. Both leagues offer multiple divisions for different skill levels. Visit DesertVolleyball.com or AZGV. org for more information! Everyone is welcome!
Cactus Tennis Alliance
Get your shorts and polos ready! Drop-In Tennis is held Friday and Sunday evenings at Phoenix Tennis Center. There is a $8 court and lights fee. Winter play starts at 7pm on Friday nights and 5pm on Sunday nights. Check out their site for more information. Visit cactustennis.org
Phoenix Storm Rugby
New members are always welcome to play with these guys! Their Spring Season is already underway, but it’s not too late! Recently, they’ve partnered up with the Camelback Rugby Club to have combined practices and even more fun. Visit PhoenixStorm.org for more info.
Phoenix Sunfish Swim Team
The Phoenix Sunfish is a proud member of International Gay and Lesbian Aquatics. The team addresses all abilities from novice to former collegiate. To join, you should have at the least a minimum grasp of the front crawl, a.k.a. “Freestyle.” We can teach you the other strokes over time. The best way to see if the team is right for you is to come to a practice and swim! Practices are Monday and Saturday at the ASU SRC and Thursday at the Christown YMCA. Go to PhoenixSunfish.org and find out more.
Cactus Cities Softball League “Take me out to the ballgame!” Registration for the Spring Season has already begun! New players can join up until rosters close on February 22. Play happens Sundays, February 8, thru May 3. Don’t miss their upcoming events the Chili Cook-Off Saturday, March 21 at Roscoe’s on 7th and the Saguaro Cup, April 17-19. Visit CactusCities.com for more info. February 2015 www.IONAZ.com 29
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Victoria “Porkchop” Parker She’s survived having acid thrown in her face, a shooting, and she’s blind in one eye. But the queen’s a survivor, bitches! And Victoria “Porkchop” Parker is a great queen! A pioneer from “RuPaul’s Drag Race” season one, (and the first one eliminated, sadly) Miss Parker is tops in her field, a multi-crown pageant winner and beloved by fans everywhere. She’ll be at IBT’s in Tucson for the Fire Ball on Friday, February 27 and again on Saturday, February 28. Drink specials all weekend! Come back for brunch on Sunday. (Betcha Porchop will be there!) IBT’s, 616 N. 4th Ave. 520-882-3053 IBTsTucson.com
FEBRUARY 2015 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE
TIME LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S)
Fri 6 & 13
10:00pm The Rock
Barbra Seville’s Girlie Show
Sat 14
9:00pm
2 Girls 1 Cup
Mon 16
1:00pm
28 & 29
Kobalt Charlie’s
Pussy LeHoot’s Survivors’ Brunch
TSR
Divas starring Frank Marino
Mondays
10:00pm Charlie’s
Claudia B Hosts Nearly Nekkid Men
Mondays
10:00pm Apollo’s
Naughty or Nice Bingo
Tuesday
10:00pm Karamba
Wednesdays 9:00pm
IBT’s
Wednesdays 9:00pm
Kobalt
Wednesdays 10:30pm Karamba
Savannah Moussier’s Show Viva La DIVA Garden Variety Revue with Olivia Gardens Karamba Girls - Adriana Galiano & Karime Lizaldi
Wednesdays 10:00pm Charlie’s
Nevaeh’s High Heels & Halos
Thursdays
Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds
10:30pm Karamba
Fridays
10:30
The Rock
Special Event Rotating Drag Shows
Fridays
9:00pm
Plazma
Freaky Fridays with Celia Putty
Fridays
9:00pm
IBT’s
Absolutely Flawless with China Collins
Fridays
9:00pm
BS West
Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers
2nd Saturday 9:30pm
Kobalt
Celia Putty
Saturdays
IBT’s
Starrletts with Janee Star
9:00pm
Saturdays
10:30pm Cruisin’ 7th
The Fabulous Mia Inez Adams
Saturdays
10:00pm The Rock
The Barbra Seville Show
Saturdays
9:30pm
Charlie’s
Pussy’s Patio Show
Sundays
8:30pm
Charlie’s
Pussy LeHoot & Friends
Sundays
10:30pm Karamba
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Frankly,
My
Dear....
Celebrity Impersonator
Frank Marino
stars in “Divas� at Talking Stick Resort
For over 30 years Frank Marino has been Las Vegas’ longest running headliner. He’s staged over 25,000 shows for 10 million people. Not even Wayne Newton can touch that record. A famous scandal erupted when he was sued by late comedian Joan Rivers for five million dollars when he mimicked her act on stage, a staple in the show. (She later dropped the charges and the two became close friends.) Frank Marino packs up his heels and wigs and is heading for Arizona with his “Divas.” Frank spoke to ION Arizona about his career and a living in high heels in Sin City. ION Arizona: After more than 30 years, what keeps you going? Frank Marino: I feel very lucky that I’m actually doing something I love. I see so many people going to work and doing things they don’t enjoy. I feel very blessed that I can say I love what I do. I want to do it as long as I can. ION: What’s your favorite thing about “Divas” and being Frank Marino? FM: I love being able to use my creativity every day. Whether it’s something I’m producing in the show for somebody else or myself. Whether it’s something for the monologue, a brand new gown or a new pair of shoes, every day there’s something I can’t wait to try in the show. The anticipation, being creative and working with twenty of the most creative people I’ve ever met in the drag business.
My favorite thing about being Frank Marino? I can still fit into the same pair of earrings that I did on opening night thirty years ago. ION: Do you ever have a bad day? FM: I have lots of bad days, but I’ve never had more than one bad day in a row. ION: How did Joan Rivers’ death affect you? FM: I haven’t even grasped it that she’s gone. Instead of doing an impersonation of Joan now, I tell the audience it’s a tribute for an icon that was more like a family member to me. I was lucky enough to be invited to the funeral and shiva at Melissa’s house. I was going to take the Joan Rivers act out of the show, but Melissa said, ‘If anybody would want you to continue, it would be my mom.” ION: More than 10 plastic surgery procedures, totaling more than $100,000 How did you keep up with Joan’s faces? FM: Everybody always wanted to know, if Joan had an operation would I be running to the doctor to have the same thing done? I said, ‘Up until the point when she got her hysterectomy.’ Keeping up with the Joneses is one thing. Keeping up with the Kardashians is a real bitch. ION: You have an expensive career. FM: I don’t think the audience realizes February 2015 www.IONAZ.com 33
shoulder pads. Styles that would never be worn these days. I hold on to my favorite stuff; you can’t let go because it brings back a memory of a really good time. ION: What do you do with your old gowns and dresses? FM: I’ve given some to charity to auction off, I’ve given some to museums to archive, I’ve given some to friends and cast members, but I’ve definitely kept my favorites. ION: Together for over 20 years. you got engaged on stage. Are you married yet? FM: No, because he’s not willing to sign the pre-nup. He hasn’t finished reading it yet—it’s four inches thick. He thought he was reading an opera, it was all “Me, me, me, me, me!” ION: Give us one tip about what it takes to be married to a drag queen. the amount money it takes to put on a performance for a single person—I’m not even talking for the whole show, but a single act. It all starts with the records, cassettes, CDs, DVDs—whatever it takes to learn an copy and emulate your character to the costuming, makeup, the wigs. It’s a job where you’ve never got everything; those people are growing along with you so have to constantly change.
FM: If you wanna have the last word in an argument, it better be, ‘yes, dear.’
ION: You must have a vast wardrobe.
FM: When I have a night off, I utilize Las Vegas as a tourist. I’ll go to different shows—I just love to see what’s new and exciting—whether it be the performance value, the lighting, staging or choreography. You gotta go with the times and the only way you learn is what new and exciting things are out there. I’ll combine that with a fancy
FM: I’ve actually saved a lot of stuff; it’s strange when you’re looking around and see something you wore in the 80s that you didn’t realize how much fashion changed, then you see these tremendous 34
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ION: What would you like people to know about you that might surprise them? FM: If you came to my home, you would not find one piece of drag, eyelash or high heel. ION: What entertains you?
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restaurant; that’s what entertains me. I live my life as a tourist, living in the Entertainment Capital of the World. ION: How do you want to be remembered? FM: Being one of the people who took a very obscure profession, put it in the mainstream and let people know that you didn’t have to work for $25 a night in a gay bar to be a female impersonator. ION: What can your audience here in Arizona expect from Divas? FM: I’m bringing the entire Vegas show, which I never really do. I’m bringing Kenneth Blake—a native of Arizona and where he got his start. We’re gonna bring everyone from Katy Perry to Cher. Totally high energy show and six of the hottest male dancers I’ll could find that I’ve been looking for over the past thirty years. That’s one of the good things about being a producer: I get to handpick the fruit, just like in the market! I love what I do. No only do I feel blessed to live where I want to live, but to do what I want to do and to be somebody who is recognized is just that much more. I feel like I’m living a dream and I just hope I 36
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don’t wake up from it. Is that the best ending you ever had from a story or what? (Laughs)
Divas You won’t want to miss “Divas” starring Frank Marino on Friday, February 27 & Saturday, February 28 at 8 p.m. Talking Stick Resort, 9800 E. Indian Bend Rd. in Scottsdale. For tickets call the Box Office 480850-7734 or visit TalkingStickResort.com
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Pluto In the wake of a violent tragedy at a local college, a single mother struggles to reconnect with her withdrawn son as mysterious forces threaten to invade the kitchen including a talkative three-headed dog, a radio gone haywire and an animated refrigerator. Time is running out for mother and son. Feb 20- March 7 at Stray Cat Theatre, 132 E. 6th St., at the Tempe Performing Arts Center. Get tix at StrayCatTheatre.org or call 480-227-1766
Fifty Shades of Felt What happens when your life is ruled by sex? Sure, it happens ... but with puppets? What is this plush-covered hold that sadistic lothario Christian Grey has over the naïve co-ed, Anastasia? It ain’t Sesame Street, that’s for sure! This hilarious theatre is a “must see!” Presented by the All Puppet Players, February 6-21 at the Playhouse on the Park at Viad Corporate Center, 1850 N. Central Ave. at Palm Lane. For tix call 602-254-2151
Divas with Frank Marino The legendary Frank Marino brings the longest running show in Las Vegas to Phoenix! His cast of spectacular female illusionists are the spitting images of Dolly, Cher, Britney, Reba ... and all the other show biz greats! Did we mention his smoking hot dancers? Friday, February 27 at the Talking Stick Resort, 9800 E. Indian Bend Rd. Get your tix at TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000
FEBRUARY 2015 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE EVENT LOCATION PHONE 5-22 Five Presidents - AZ Theatre Co. - Phx 602-256-6995 6-8 Eugene Onegin Arizona Opera - Phx 602-266-7464 6-26 Fifty Shades of Felt Playhouse at the Park/Viad Ctr. 602-251-2151 6-27 Conviction Black Theatre Troupe 602-253-6980 8 Dancing With The Stars Comerica Theatre 4 & 8 p.m. 800-745-3000 thru 15 The King & I AZ B’way Theatre 623-776-8400 17-22 Dirty Dancing ASU Gammage 480-965-3434 20 Trailer Park Boys Fox Theatre - Tucson 520-547-3040 20-21 Mo’Nique StandUp Live - Phoenix 480-719-6100 20 Jim Jeffries WIld Horse Pass - Chandler 800-WIN-GILA x 7370 20-3/7 Pluto Stray Cat Theatre - Tempe 480-227-1766 21 Trailer Park Boys Celebrity Theatre - Phx 602-267-1600 22 Lily Tomlin Del Webb Center - Wickenberg 928-684-6624 25-3/22 Anything Goes Phoenix Theatre 602-254-2151 26 Brian Regan Tucson Music Hall 800-745-3000 27 Divas starring Frank Marino Talking Stick Resort 800-745-3000 28-3/21 Romeo & Juliet AZ Theatre Co. - Tucson 520-622-2823 MARCH 1 Suzanne Westenhoefer StandUp Live - Phoenix 480-719-6100 6 Jerry Seinfeld Comerica Theatre - Phoenix 800-745-3000 February 2015 www.IONAZ.com 39
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Kodo One Earth Tour Nothing will prepare you for this breathtaking spectacle featuring the ancient taiko drumming techniques and pulsating wall of sound. The rolling thunder of their drums and athletic display comes to Arizona! TUCSON: Sunday, February 8 at Centennial Hall, 1020 E. University Blvd. Tucson-Theatre.com or call 800-430-8903 ● MESA: Tuesday, February 10 at Mesa Arts Center, 1 E. Main St. MesaArtsCenter.com or call 480-644-6500 for tickets.
Steve Aoki Join the legendary record producer Steve Aoki in his “Neon Future Experience.” The show features 3-D LED mapping, visual lighting arts, futuristic themes and EDM. TUCSON: Wednesday, February 18 at Rialto Theatre ● SCOTTSDALE: Thursday, February 19 at LiveWire, 7320 E. Indian Plaza. 480-970-1112 or visit LiveWireAZ.com for tickets.
Phillip Glass Perhaps the most influential composer today, you won’t want to miss this musical experience. It’s as if you’ll be hearing music for the very first time. Glass presents new work and his complete set of piano etudes on Saturday, February 28 at ASU Gammage, 1200 S. Forest Ave. in Tempe. For tickets call 480-965-3434 or visit ASUgammage.com
FEBRUARY 2015 ION Concert Calendar DATE 5 6 7 8 10 13 14 14 15 18 19 19 22 25 28 28
ARTIST LOCATION PHONE Juan Gabriel US Airways Center - Phoenix 800-745-3000 The Oak Ridge Boys Wild Horse Pass Casino - Chandler 800--WIN-GILA x 7370 The Oak Ridge Boys Desert Diamond Casino - Sahuarita 520-297-7777 Kodo Drummers Centennial Hall - Tucson 800-430-8903 Kodo Drummers Mesa Arts Center 480-644-6500 Marilyn Manson Marquee Theatre - Tempe 480-839-0707 Gabriel Iglesias US Airways Ctr. 800-745-3000 Englebert Humperdinck Wild Horse Pass - Chandler 800--WIN-GILA x 7370 Gladys Knight Fox Theatre - Tucson 520-547-3040 Steve Aoki Rialto Theatre - Tucson 520-740-1000 Bob Seger Gila River Arena - Glendale 800-745-3000 Steve Aoki Livewire - Scottsdale 480-970-1112 Suzanne Vega Fox Theatre - Tucson 520-547-3040 Joshua Bell Mesa Arts Center 480-644-6500 Jim Brickman Orpheum Theatre - Phx 800-745-3000 Philip Glass ASU Gammage - Tempe 480-965-3434 February 2015 www.IONAZ.com 41
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Aural Fixation
by Peter Lora pintelonegro@gmail.com
Mark Ronson Uptown Special
In a way, Mark Ronson is the Wizard of Oz: venerated, considered a master among his peers, but truthfully, like the fictional sorcerer, what seems like magic to most is really much more simple, common and tangible. Mark Ronson has always foreseen the value of nostalgia, helping propel Amy Winehouse to stardom by producing her 2006 critically acclaimed 60s girl group throwback album Back to Black. A year later Ronson released Version, a collection of funkified covers of alt-rock songs featuring rising talents like Winehouse, Lily Allen and Santigold. What Daft Punk’s Random Access Memories did with the glittery Nile Rogers Disco at task, Ronson is attempting to do with funk and his latest Uptown Special. Opening with Stevie Wonder’s signature harmonica buzzing, it feels like the score from an 80s sitcom. Kevin Parker of Tame Impala is featured most heavily on the album with the yacht psychedelia of “Summer Breaking,” “Leaving Loz Feliz” and the ethereal disco of “Daffodils.” “Uptown Funk,” a collaboration with Bruno Mars, accurately borrows from the groundwork of funk masters like James Brown, Gap Band and Cameo. The best surprise is the appearance of a long forgotten Mystikal on the incredibly fun rap/ funk hybrid “Feel Right.” Uptown Special is cohesive but for all the possibilities of funk and its glory days, the album is shallow on concept.
Björk Vulnicura Björk has been many things throughout her 30 year, nine album career. Virginal and
curious on Debut, patriotic and in ecstasy on Homogenic, a tribal warrior on Volta and the mad scientist of 2011’s Biophilia. The Björk of Vulnicura, is heartbroken, vulnerable and above all else, a woman. On what might be her most intimate and personal work, Björk chronicles her “wound and the healing of the wound” caused by her split with long time partner and the father to her daughter, artist Matthew Barney. In an almost operatic, string-laden template, Vulnicura opens with “Stonemilker.” The orchestration is simple and beautiful, the lyrics about the loss of communication between two lovers. On “Lionsong” she sings, “Maybe he will come out of this loving me.” Heard is a tinge of the Pakistani singer Abida Parveen and Arabic rhythms that Björk admires. In “History of Touches” she recalls, “All the f*cks we had together.” “Black Lake,” the musical apex of the album is heart-wrenching, transitioning from aria to digital soundscape by co-producer Arca. On “Atom Dance” Björk duets with queer artist and visionary Antony Hagerty. The conclusion to this palpable and much anticipated return to Björk’s signature sound is “Quicksand” with the accepting lyrics, “When she is broken she is whole.” Panda Bear
THE DL SONGS TO DOWNLOAD ARTIST SONG Björk Lionsong Mark Ronson Feel Right feat. Mystikal Panda Bear Boys Latin Jazmine Sullivan Forever Don’t Last FKA Twigs Pendulum Sia Elastic Heart Sleater Kinney Bury Your Friends Purity Ring Begin Again The Weeknd Earned it Kelly Clarkson Heartbeat Song February 2015 www.IONAZ.com 43
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ionazeditor@me.com
The Case Against 8
As justice marches on and federal district courts are overruling bans against “gay marriage” and currently 36 states allow for legal same-sex marriage (although still 14 states enforce same-sex marriage bans), it’s already making the landmark “Prop 8” ballot proposition in California created by opponents of same-sex marriage back in 2008 a fading memory. Five years in the making, directors Ben Cotner and Ryan White captured all of the drama and legal machinations behind Prop. 8 and what it took to overturn it. They followed the unlikely team of boxoffice quality attorneys Ted Olson and David Boies as they took the first federal marriage equality lawsuit to the Supreme Court in 2010. Together, they worked to reverse the voter approved ban on samesex marriage in California. The same day the justices also issued a more dramatic decision that found the federal Defense of Marriage Act discriminatory to same-sex couples, triggering legal challenges in every state banning gay marriage. A “movie within a movie” with footage and first-hand reportage, the documentary follows the very real plaintiffs Jeff Zarrillo and Paul Katami with Kris Perry and Sandy Stier who fought to make their marriages “real” in the eyes of the courts. Premiering in American theaters and on HBO in June, 2014, the documentary film is intense because it’s real. Some critics complained that the doc also retains just
Laws & Ladies enough “Hollywood” in the production to make it more sellable. While that may be true, it’s nearly impossible to keep a dry eye when word comes down that Prop 8 is overturned and the emotional couples are rushed to their City Halls to be married. Winner of the Directing Award for U.S. Documentaries at Sundance Film Festival, the documentary is now available on DVD with deleted scenes included in bonus features. Available now through Amazon. com, $17.99
Girls, Season 3
Created, written and produced by Hollywood’s chubby wünderkind, Lena Dunham, Girls focuses on the misadventures of aspiring writer, frumpy Hannah Horvath and her immature bunch of girlfriends who seem to get no greater joy out of life than sitting around, carping and criticizing everything and everyone around them. Including each other.
This season, Hannah lands what everybody else would consider a dream job with GQ magazine but refuses to sacrifice her lofty writing ideals despite the free snacks. She also interviews Patti Lupone—every show tune queen’s dream—about a bone density supplement. A season highlight is the “all girls” weekend at a fancy beach house that gets even girlier when Hannah’s gay bestie Elijah (the fabulous Andrew Rannells (Book of Mormon) brings his bitchy gay friends along to crash it. Love it, hate it, or love to hate it, Girls is weirdly addictive. If only Dunham would keep her clothes on, for chrissake. Available now. $25.99 MSRP February 2015 www.IONAZ.com 45
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ionazeditor@me.com
The Voices
Ryan Reynolds, Gemma Arterton & Anna Kendrick What could possibly be wrong in a movie with the “feel good” premise of a peppy, dorky (and super hot) guy named Jerry (Reynolds, The Proposal) who has a Disney-esque duo of a talking dog and cat at home? Well, except that Jerry is mentally ill. And when he stops taking his meds he has this Jeffrey Dahmer-like quality of chopping off the heads of girls who treat him shabbily and storing them in the refrigerator. And these heads talk to him, too. Let’s hope Lisa (Kendrick, Pitch Perfect) doesn’t fall that dazzling smile. Let’s hope Reynolds has lots of shirtless scenes. Opens February 6
Fifty Shades of Grey
Heads & Fails propensity for wearing grey. Fifty shades of it, coincidentally. What happens when doe-eyed Ana gets sucked into the greedy clutches of this obsessive/ compulsive modern day Charles Foster Kane? Is Ana his long sought after “Rosebud”? And who’s really the freak between the sheets? Initial casting considered reuniting Twilight lovers Robert Pattinson and dead-eyed mouth-breather Kristin Stewart for the films sex maniacs, hardly a surprise as writer James crafted the novel as piece of fan fiction inspired by the series. Expect lots of whispery dialog, panting and steamed-up camera lenses. Gays will love the theme song, “Haunted” by Beyoncé, coming soon to a drag show near you. Opens February 14
Last Five Years
Anna Kendrick, Jeremy Jordan
Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan
Jazz hands up for a movie for Broadway show tune queens everywhere!
Nothing says, “I love you” on Valentine’s Day quite like a movie about an illicit affair with bondage, domination and a little bit of sado-masochism thrown in just to spice things up.
This film adaptation of the Tony awardwinning James Robert Brown story is a musical deconstruction of a love affair and marriage taking place during a five year period.
Based on the runaway best-selling chick-lit novel by E.L. James, this erotic, titillating movie tells the story of Anastasia “Ana” Steel (Johnson, 21 Jump Street), a naïve literature student in college with a propensity for wearing frumpy, cat-lady cardigan sweaters and her poorly styled hair bangs. She falls for the mysterious, American Psycho-like Christian Grey (Dornan, Marie Antoinette), a filthy rich lion in the business world. He has a
The two-sided love/break-up story is told in song by Cathy Hiatt (Kendrick, Into the Woods) and Jamie Wellerstein (Jordan, Broadway’s Newsies). Both actors are Tony award winners. You may need to be a true Broadway fanatic to truly love this, but we adore Kendrick, so who cares? Opens February 13 February 2015 www.IONAZ.com 47
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he modern-day suburbs surrounding Phoenix is a sea of stucco houses with red-tile roofs where everything is the same. Look closer and Phoenix boasts a variety of historic neighborhoods developed during the early part of the last century before World War II. The Willo District is one of the jewel-like neighborhoods you’ll still find in an almost storybook village setting. The Willo is located at between McDowell road and Thomas, and 1st Avenue to 7th Avenue, Willo boasts great amenities, including walking distance to light rail, art museums, terrific restaurants, coffee houses, and, of course. of downtown Phoenix. Once a far away suburb from the hustle and bustle of downtown Phoenix, the Willo lay on the northern outskirts of town. In the early 1920s, Home Builders, a residential construction firm, built 41 homes in the Bungalow style. During the 1930’s the Period Revival movement brought tremendous variety in architectural styles, including Tudor Revival, Greek Revival, American Colonial Revival, Spanish Colonial Revival and Pueblo Revival. Construction in later years often featured an architectural design that would
eventually become what we know today as the Ranch Style house. Now is your chance to get all HGTV and take a self-guided tour of about a dozen beautifully decorated and restored homes in this very special neighborhood on Sunday, February 8 from 10 a.m.4 p.m. Vendors line the streets of Monte Vista and Holly Streets selling food, arts and crafts, clothing and jewelry and live music. Tickets are $18.54 pre-sale (includes fees) or $20 at the door. Tickets sales and Will Call are located at the intersection of 3rd Avenue and Monte Vista. Will call opens at 9 a.m. on Sunday morning. Bring a Photo ID and you will be given a wristband and a brochure with a map and information about each home on tour. Free parking is at the Arizona Central Credit Union, 2020 N. Central Ave. Willo Home Tour For more information and to learn more, please visit: WilloHistoricDistrict.com or email at Contact@WilloHistoricDistrict.com
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FEZ’s Fun Facts T
hey say that there are three constants in life: Change, Choice and Principles. It’s true. Just look at Phoenix restaurant favorite FEZ, for example. Tom Jetland and his partner Mark Dillon helped pave the way for dining along Central Avenue when they opened casual dining hotspot Switch, weathering the seemingly endless construction of the Metro Light Rail around 2007. Nearly ten years ago they opened FEZ further up the avenue to great acclaim and Mark Howard joined their business partnership. A staple on Central Avenue, the FEZ menu attracted everybody.
kitchen, they’ve raised the stakes and added a few new dishes— including a steak. We like to start off with the Casa Azul Wedge salad. Back in the 1960s wedge salad was a class act on every table, long before kale or radicchio came on the scene. This far out bit of Mad Men style nostalgia features a thick wedge of Crisphead (the proper name for “iceberg”) lettuce, tomatoes, red onion, Danish bleu cheese, champagne bleu vinaigrette instead of the traditional Caesar or Thousand Island dressing and—get this— lots of thick bacon chips. $8.95 half/$10.95
And just like the “Change” our President Obama is so fond of, it was time a time for FEZ to make a change as this new year began. The long vacant Portland’s Restaurant near Roosevelt Street—and on Central Avenue—was instantly available. After a chic, cheery, mid-century/postmodern inspired remodel and design by Rocco Menaguale, FEZ made themselves at home in a popular neighborhood. Most importantly, parking is plentiful!
Among the menu’s “Savory Signatures” is the light, tasty FEZ Lemon & Pomegranate Grill Plate. Choose from grilled salmon or shrimp ($18.95), grilled ($14.95) or crispy chicken ($15.95) served in refreshing lemon and pomegranate sauce, a scoop of pistachio rice and roasted vegetables—ours included fresh red bell pepper and zucchini. This dish is not just a healthier choice, but one you’ll come back for. We couldn’t help but wish there was more of the delicious rice to accompany the plentiful, perfectly prepared veggies.
FEZ still recognizes how important another one of those “constants” is: That’s “Choice.” Sure, FEZ kept their crowdpleasing favorites like the Casablanca Chicken Sandwich, their fabulous flatbread “kisras” and other sandwiches and burgers—plus the popular Lamb Sliders which everyone loves. Now, with a bigger
Another fab “change” we welcome on the entrées is the addition of the savory Bacon Mushroom Hamburger Chop Steak ($14.95). You get a juicy, generously sized grilled, lean, Angus burger with spiced, deep fried potatoes and seasonal vegetables topped with a delicate, creamy velouté mushroom February 2015 www.IONAZ.com 53
creamy Strawberry Mousse; plenty to share! This, along with a Marscapone Cheesecake, Creme Brûlée and others are made fresh daily exclusively for FEZ. $8.25.
sauce, topped with crispy, fried onions and plenty of chopped bacon. Go a little crazy and add bleu cheese for $1.50. If you like, you can substitute chicken for no charge. Make the dish into a “Surf ‘n’ Turf” event by adding shrimp for market price. A favorite “choice” is a “constant” Go Green Pasta for $13.95. Treat yourself to a large dish of penne pasta topped with a zippy pesto sauce with lemon, spinach, spring vegetables (ours included red bell pepper and zucchini), tangy feta cheese, and comes with a slice of toasted, garlic baguette. Rich and delicious. Easy to share or take home leftovers. You can also add grilled chicken, shrimp, gyro strips or salmon for a nominal fee. Gotta sweet tooth? For dessert we chose the Tutti Frutti—always a surprise, fruitinspired dessert. We had a decadent, thick,
The “Principles” of an inspired menu, fresh ingredients loaded with taste, a warm, friendly, inviting atmosphere with an attractive, affordable price-point round out those three constants in life. Fortunately, a few of the “Constants” at FEZ that we’d never opt to “Change” were imported because of their “Principles.” Like restaurant manager Tim Lott (who migrated from Switch) and bar manager Kirk Lubbs as well as our very handsome, helpful and charming server, Nicholas. He could certainly talk me outta wet clothes and into a FEZ dry martini anytime, especially on Tini Tuesday. Choose FEZ. I hope they never Change—too much. They have Principles. See? Three constants! Bam! FEZ 105 W. Portland St. on Central Ave. Call 602-287-8700 for reservations FEZonCentral.com
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CORNELIS HOLLANDER
It has to be a Cornelis Hollander...
www.CornelisHollander.com 4151 N. Marshall Way, Scottsdale AZ 85251 480-423-5000 800-677-6821 Custom Designs Available PROUDLY MADE IN THE U.S.A.
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Photos by Scotty Kirby Direction by Kevin Bushaw Models are Christian, Levi, and Jeff. Thanks to Todd Wyckoff at Charlie’s. Select Merchandise available at the Snowbowl Sport Shop Special thanks to Jason Stratton, Ksenia Hartl, the Ski Patrol, Heather Ainardi & The Flagstaff Tourism Board Visit ArizonaSnowbowl.com 64
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#Winter Wonderland A
rizona is full of unexpected surprises all across our state. And just two hours north of Phoenix, one of America’s hottest cities, we’ve got a snow lovers’ sports paradise up in the high country of the Mogollon Rim. Easily accessible with clear roads, Arizona Snowbowl offers a fun, affordable and extensive run for all levels of skiing and snowboarding. Recently, the ability to make man-made snow created an extended season for skiers and snowboarders who are looking to hit the slopes!
Where to Eat After opening in 1975, The Horsemen Lodge quickly became a popular hangout for Babbitt cowboys. The steakhouse—named “Horsemen” in the effort to pay homage to the ranching lifestyle— is decorated with authentic cowboy attire, memorabilia, and artwork. The Horsemen Lodge doesn’t just offer a hearty, cowboy-inspired menu, but it also offers an overall Southwestern experience. The night before we hit the mountain, we visited the Lodge for steaks, salad, and some amazing cornbread. Choose between several styles of finishing your steak, and tackle a great salad bar filled with goodies. The friendly wait staff made our lively get together memorable and fun.
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The main event during winter in Flagstaff is Snowbowl. Now, with the safe, clear roads and plenty of snow on the slopes you’re ready to go!
Adventures on the Mountain with ION What could be better than a ski trip to Flagstaff? How about a ski trip with all your friends? ION Arizona is booking a bus trip to Flagstaff March 5th and 6th. We’ll depart Phoenix and stay the evening in Flagstaff Thursday night, ski all Friday, then be back in town that night! For more information email ionarizona@me.com, or check out our website ionaz.com.
FOR MORE INFO: FLAGSTAFF CONVENTION & VISITORS BUREAU FlagstaffArizona.org ARIZONA SNOWBOWL arizonasnowbowl.com HORSEMEN LODGE 8500 U.S. 89, Flagstaff (928) 526-2655
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SHERATON HOTEL DOWNTOWN PHOENIX
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Vol. 8, Issue 11
February 2015
OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.
ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL
Gays Crash Homophobic NFL via Super Bowl Halftimes
OUTRAGEOUS!
NEW YORK CITY – Professional sports is still a giant bulwark against homosexuality. No greater barricades exist than those at the National Football League.
Janet Jackson, Justin Timberlake, Madonna, Nicki Minaj, Beyoncé along with Destiny’s Child. This year is no different with gay icon Katy “I Kissed A Girl” Perry headlining the game’s midway point.
OUTRAGEOUS!
Investigative reports reveal that gays are slowly but surely making headway finding chinks in the armor of the NFL.
Of course, yawn-inducing ultra-straight acts like Kid Rock, Tom Petty, Bruce Springsteen, and IS RedTRAGICALLY Hot Chili PeppersACCIDENTAL have also held the ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH same stage. Then there’s transvestite-like Steve “Oh, we’re taking over, girlfriend!” said Tyler from Aerosmith. one anonymous source working at NFL headquarters. “Have you seen the Super “Before you know it we’ll have teams like Bowl halftime show entertainment lineups the California Cob-Gobblers or the Rhode since 2000? We got this,” he snickered. Island Rump Rangers playing in stadiums everywhere,” grumbled one homophobic It’s true. Most of the halftime acts since the new millennium feature tope entertainers executive. “Today it’s Michael Sams playing. with a sizable gay following: Christina Tomorrow it’ll be the entire Los Angeles Gay Aguilera, Tina Turner, Toni Braxton, Britney Men’s Chorus.” Spears, Mary J. Blige, ‘N Sync, No Doubt,
OUTRAGEOUS!
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OUTRAGEOUS!
Gay Marriage Comes to OUTRAGEOUS! Dixie, Y’all! OUTRAGEOUS!
Bobby Bodean’s mama, Montgomery, ALA. Wilbur Anne Culpepper – The nation was was said, “I always told his Pa, rocked when another ‘Honey, that dog won’t federal judge moved ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL hunt. All growin’ up Bobby to overturn the ban Bodean and his cousin on same-sex marriage Horace Harley always discrimination. And, were foolish for each other, jumpin’ Jehoshaphat, playin’ ‘Gone With The it happened deep in Wind,’ arguin’ over who was the heart of Dixie, gonna be Scarlett O’Hara y’all. That grand and and all.” great bastion of the Old South we know The happy couple plans on as Alabama is poised loading up their pickup truck to recognize gay with their pack of Blue Tick marriage. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL Hounds and Fabio, Matisse, Marky-Mark, Sir Barks-AWedding bells are ANY TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL Lot, Whitney, Britney and ringingRESEMBLANCE Bobby their Pekingese, Stinkpot, a Bodean Culpepper case of imported beer and from the town of moving to Mobile. Screamer and his cousin, Horace The grooms are registered at Cabela’s and Harley Winchester of Lick Ankle. They’re Pottery Barn. planning a June wedding in a small church in Needmore, Alabama.
OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!
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OUTRAGEOUS! Hairdressers, Florists Are Closeted Straight Men.
OUTRAGEOUS!
OUTRAGEOUS! ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL SAN FRANCISCO—The world of professional sports is rocked with rumors of closeted gay athletes playing side by side with straight teammates, too afraid to come out of the closet and step into the locker room. NBA pro Jason Collins and NFL hero Michael Sams’ disclosures of homosexuality surprised fans everywhere. Figure skating champion Brian Boitano, not so much.
Other professional straight males are afraid of the ramifications of revealing their true sexual identity.
OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!
“As a flight attendant my passengers depend on that extra care and bitchiness that only a gay man can provide,” said Mark Sands. “I call everybody ‘honey’ from First Class to Coach. If they knew that I had a wife and kids they’d ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS me.” TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL report The “Trickle Down Theory” has turned the Other professions commonly ACCIDENTAL associated with tables in the everyday workplace. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY gay men’s careers put straight men’s secret “I’m a hairdresser at Crops & Bobbers in lives in jeopardy. At Back to the Fuschia Flowers, Alan Porter is afraid that his female Houston,” said Bobby Mark Pilcher, 38. clientele would turn on him if he came out of “I’m a straight man and I’m afraid my coworkers and clients will find out I like the straight closet. girls,” he revealed. “If those gals knew I “You can bet your asters they’d take their was giving them a double-process and that I business to Plant Parenthood if they ever found didn’t like dudes it’d ruin me.” out.”
OUTRAGEOUS!
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V
alentine’s Day is just around the corner. For some of us, it’s a night of tawdry sex in a hotel room that charges for every 15 minutes ... and for others, it’s just another box of cheap chocolates, raggedy teddy bears and a night of disappointment. Speaking of disappointment, this week’s Favorite Bitch is all about the Cupid’s arrow leaving bitches with sore behinds and sorry-ass significant others! Dear Miss Tiger, My man cheated on me a few weeks before Valentine’s Day. He thinks buying roses will make up for it. Help! — Tiago Dear Bury Your Relationship And Put His Roses To Good Use, On St. Patrick’s Day … He got lucky with every drunken slut at the bar. He’s hopped in & out of more beds than the goddamn Easter Bunny. On the Fourth of July his fire cracker exploded ... in someone else’s hungry hole. He’s everyone’s Boo on Halloween. And he puts the ’Ho-’Ho-’Ho in Christmas. Why the fuck should Valentine’s Day be any different? Dear Miss Tiger, I’m seeing a married dude on the DL. He bought neon pink fishnet panties and asked that I wear them when we hook up on Valentine’s Day. I’m not femme in the least bit. I told him, “Hell no!” and now’s he’s upset! — Salvatore
Dear He Didn’t BUY Those Panties … They Belong To His Wife, Be glad his fetish is a pair of hooker panties. He could’ve asked you to put on a pair of Depend Undergarments! Dear Miss Tiger, My fiancé has many bad habits, including forgetting about Valentine’s Day. He assures me that he’ll change once we’re married. Should I trust him? — Jasmine Dear Does Your Wedding Planner Give Refunds? There are two things that straight men don’t change: 1. Their underwear on a daily basis. 2. Anything and everything else. Dear Miss Tiger, Me and my man were on our way to dinner. We got into a fight on the bus. He jumped out at the next stop and left me. I was lost in the middle of nowhere. What should I do about our relationship? — Kenny Dear Your First Mistake Was Dating A Motha’ Fuckah Without A Car, Get new dick and get a fucking map so you can find your way back home, hunty! Got SiriusXM? Need advice about this kind of bullshit and more? Call me during the Derek and Romaine Show and let’s kiki! February 23rd 7pm MT • OutQ Channel 106. Miss Tiger - Advice Columnist • SiriusXM radio personality ... and everyone’s #FAVORITEBITCH Website FavoriteBitch.com Facebook/Twitter MissTiger Advice ask@misstiger.com February 2015 www.IONAZ.com 93
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by Sean Kapera @ Synergistic Studios SynergisticStudios.com
Alexander Garcia, Jr.
FOLLOW on instagram @SynergisticStudios
Actor, Model, Personal Trainer New York, Phoenix, Los Angeles AlexanderGarciaJr.com February 2015 www.IONAZ.com 95
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by Addison DeWitt
I
t’s all very easy for me to sit here in my Ivory Tower here at the WonderVu Trailer Court and investigate everyone who’s a hooker or porn star or having orgies and not inviting me, then tattling about it. But sometimes I forget about you: my fans who’ve been reading my column for almost 50 years now. You are real people out there. People with needs, wants and desires. You’re not just some sort of disembodied penis that I think about at night when I’m in bed with a handful of AstroGlide in one hand and a dried out bottle of poppers in the other while I’ve got my VHS player going with an old Jeff Stryker (A) movie from the 1980s. No. You’re special to me. Why do I bring this up? Darlings, I’ll tell you why. Recently, a (now ex-) reader took umbrage at my unique, awardwinning reportage [He’s never won an award for this shit. — Ed.]. During the latter part of the 20th century I might–or might not–have written some things in a blind item to which he took exception. Maybe it was about him. Maybe it wasn’t. This has been festering and percolating for years it seems with a certain disgruntled so-and-so. Recently, I was soundly declaimed about this little so-called “issue.”
Did I: 1) apologize 2) purse my lips 3) roll my eyes 4) purse my lips and roll my eyes at the same time? It’s a trick question. I did all four things. At the same time! Oh, now, we all get a little buttA hurt over something once in a while, now don’t we? So I got a little “Come Uppance.” I hope that makes you happy. I just goes to show you: never underestimate the power of the blind item! Here’s another blind item. I hope I don’t get in trouble for it in another 15 years from now. Tthe Right Reverend B Barbra Seville united a (now former) escort and porn star and his husband in holy-ish matrimony. Lesson: Why buy the cow when the milk’s free? I love a good contest! I was at The Anvil for some hot, sexy, he-man fun when they held a “Best Ass Contest!” (B) Because we live in a puritanical state, you can’t show too much skin. Sadly, the contest was canceled because nobody was wearing underpants. Lesson: What if you were in an accident? Or in a “Best Ass Contest”? Exciting news! Our own genius photographer Scotty Kirby made a music video with “PocaGaGa” Coco St. James to RuPaul’s single, “Geronimo.” (C) It came as a big surprise when Big Chief Drag Queen RuPaul herself tweeted about their video to the world! Look for it on YouTube today for a “Mini Ha-Ha!”
C
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F
ebruary is all about Love. The conjunction of Venus and Mars on February 22 show the two dual worlds embracing in the western sky at nightfall. Just like the goddess of Love and the god of War, expect some celestial and spiritual explosions with your own unions here on Earth. Let your emotions run free. Fight, then kiss and make up.
ask, “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?” You find yourself in a passive/aggressive position because someone is baiting you. They won’t buy the cow if the milk’s free.
Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22
“Love Is A Many Splendored Thing.” You’ve had a few trashy experiences with love in the past, now you’re ready to find out why it’s splendored. You also have to look up “splendored” to find out what it really means.
Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23
Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20
The Beatles sang, “All You Need is Love.” This month you’ll need a little extra moola to finance that so-called “love.” Someone is whispering sweet nothings in your ear while their hand is in your purse.
“Why Do Fools Fall In Love?” This is tough, because you do not suffer fools gladly. You have to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on you. Well, someone does get up early. Don’t feel foolish. Just let it happen!
Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20
Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23
“Lookin’ For Love in All the Wrong Places.” You’ve been searching for a little affection without any luck. Cheer up! You’ll be back in the saddle again. Don’t ask too many questions.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Take a lesson from the Material Girl herself when you demand, “Justify My Love” from someone. Just ask them to “Open Your Heart” and you’ll find out that they really are “Crazy For You.” Madonna always has the answers.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
It’s true. Just like The Supremes sang, “You Can’t Hurry Love.” It’s kind of like making a hard boiled egg. That’s the only analogy I can think of. Take it or leave it. Love has a little surprise for you.
Leo July 23 - Aug. 22
The age old question: “Why Do Fools Fall In Love?” That and, “Don’t Cha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me?” Someone is intrigued with you and goes out on a limb to prove it. Don’t disappoint them.
Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22
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You’re gettin’ all Whitney on us when you sing, “I Will Always Love You.” Someone has you hitting all the high notes and your chin even wiggles when you sing, too. You decide, “I Wanna Dance With Somebody Who Loves Me.” Just like Whitney.
Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20
You’re feeling a little bit like Tammy Wynette when rough times have you determined to “Stand By Your Man.” (Or “Woman,” depending). Country songs area all about weathering the bad times. And beer. It all works out.
Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19
You might as well face it: You’re “Addicted to Love.” If it’s your birthday you get all Barbra Streisand and feel like “A Woman In Love.” Even if your a man. We have a little Streisand inside of us. Admit it.
Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20
When the others turn you off, I’ll be turnin’ you on. Why? Because “Love Will Keep Us Together.” You might discover a Captain to your Tenille. If it’s your birthday you’ll discover a little wildlife and get some “Muskrat Love.” The 70s were great for music.