ION Arizona Magazine by ION Arizona

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GRAND OPENING

MESA

PHOTOS at www.IONAZ.com

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you better work

scottsdale

PARTY CAM

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ION: The Perfect 10 (Years)

fter 10 years, 120 issues and over one million copies later, I feel that we now create one of the best local publications in the county. This is the magazine I envisioned 10 years ago. Sorry it took so long!

One of our most popular features in every issue is our sexy photo spreads. Every month, we feature some of the hottest men and women in the state. This month we bring you the best of the best. There were hundreds throughout the years and many of them are featured on our cover montage on page 66. One of our favorite models is Santiago, who is featured on this month’s cover, who’s appeared on the cover three times now. The most exciting article we have now is our celebrity interviews. We have personally interviewed everyone from Lady Gaga to Charo, John Waters to Cloris Leachman. We have some the best quotes from these interviews on page 40. What better way to celebrate our 10 year anniversary by interviewing the raunchiest fag hag in comedy, Lisa Lampanelli? She really loves “the Gays”. Check it out on page 28. Over the years, we have had many contributors that have dedicated their time and talent to help create ION Arizona. Other than myself, our longest lasting contributor is Jackson David Kelly. Jackson

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started writing our ION Music article before the Apple iPod was ever invented. He is now partner in the popular Bliss/Rebar restaurant and bar. When I moved to Arizona in 1998, I didn’t know a soul or knew where any gay-friendly businesses were. So I decided to create a guide for the community. One that would bring businesses, non-profits, organizations and people together. Not an easy task. I wanted ION to be the face of our community — not the voice. I wanted to show that being Gay is not only okay, but fabulous. That you can have fun, be sexual and a productive member of society. I feel we have accomplished our mission. What’s next? What will our community do in the next 10 years? What will we accomplish together. We have come a long way but we need to go further. Together we can. Together we will. Thank you all for 10 great years. I’m looking forward to bringing you the best our community has to offer for another 10 years. Enjoy our 10th anniversary issue! It just gets better!

Jack M. Tesorero - Publisher

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Back to the 80’s

PHOENIX

PHOTOS at www.IONAZ.com

3819 North 3rd Street Ste. #10, Phoenix, AZ 85012

(602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com

ionarizona@me.com

Publisher / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero - Ext. 5 ................. jacktesorero@me.com

ADVERTISING CONSULTANT Bill Knoop .................................................... (602) 301-8457 CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw - Ext. 4 ..................... kbushaw@me.com Editor Deon Brown - Ext. 3 .................. ionazeditor@me.com PRODUCTION ASSISTANT Tom King ................................. ionarizona@me.com PRODUCTION & Artwork SUBMISSIONS ionazproduction@me.com Advertising Sales Jack Tesorero Ext 2 - ionazsales@me.com Photographers:

Michael Fragale Fernando Hernandez

Jerry O’Conner Don Thompson

Cover Photo by Jerry O’Conner National Advertising Representative Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 ContributORS:

Wes Bergman Addison DeWitt Jackson David Kelly C. Edwards

Ted Kirby Kim Ruff Joey Sarandos Paul Sanchez

Published monthly by

1995-2011: 16 Years of Design and Creative Excellence

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee. NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company. Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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Fiesta Fridays ¡Arriba! ¡Andale pronto! ¡Come on down to Roscoe’s on 7th for Fiesta Fridays! ¡It’s more than just a bunch of upside down question marks! Every Friday from 3-9 p.m. you can get muy delicioso tacos for only $2 and $3 cervezas like Corono, Pacifico, Dos XX and Victoria! ¡It’s like the Cinco de Mayo every Friday! 4531 N. 7th St. Phone: 602-285-0833. RoscoesOn7th.com. See ad on p. 10

icepics 5th Anniversary Join in the fun for the Second Anniversary for icepics videobar! Tuesday, July 19 get ready for the ride of your life — it’s Mustache Ride! The hottest music and the hottest party in town returns for one night at icepics! Pandora DeStrange and her cast of Gender Outlaws return on Sunday, July 17 for The Follies! 3108 E. McDowell Rd. Phone: 602-267-8707 Check out more in the ad on pp. 8-9

Drag Wars In a galaxy not all that far away ... Jet over to BS West July 1617 for weekend long marathon of drag shows, competitions, auctions, strippers, and a slew of other crazy events! Every thing from sumo wrestling, an obstacle course, drag races, “Family Feud,” pie throwing and more! Benefitting Project Hardhat and other charities. For info or to sign up contact Mike Fornelli at Mike@BSwest.com. See the ad on p. 12

Dancing With The Bars It takes two to tango. And Waltz. And Rhumba. And ChaCha. And Samba. And don’t forget the forbidden dance — the Lambada! Your favorite bartenders, owners — and ION Arizona editor — and others are raising money for Joshua Tree Feeding Program on the dancefloor! This SWAY Event happens on Sunday, July 24 at the Wyndham Hotel, 50 E. Adams in downtown Phoenix. Get your tix in advance at SWAYevents. com. See the ad on p. 38

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Gay Nights Las Vegas God bless the gangsters who made Las Vegas into the fabulous oasis of fun — mixed with a little gambling and equal amounts of sin — into the town it is today. Experience Gay Nights Las Vegas for four fabulous days from August 4-7 at the host hotel, Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino. Sexy pool parties, Zumanity, and what would Vegas be without performances by an Elvis impersonator? For more info, reservations, and special offers visit GayNights.com or text “GAYNIGHTS” to 69302. See ad on p. 17

JULY 2011 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE EVENT LOCATION CITY Sundays Brunch Friends Phoenix Mondays Find-a-Mate Bar1 Phoenix Weds. B Buddy Night FLEX Phoenix Weds. Big Gay Challenge Apollo’s Phoenix Fridays Fiesta Fridays Roscoe’s Phoenix 1 Mustache Ride Friends Again Phoenix 1-4 4th of July Weekend Friends Again Phoenix 2 Grand Ol’ Opry AGRA Benefit Charlie’s Phoenix 3 Independence Day Party Karamba Phoenix 4 Annual Firecracker Show Charlie’s Phoenix 4 Karaoke Contest Karamba Phoenix 9 Jell-O Wrestling Charlie’s Phoenix 9 Stoplight Party BS West Scottsdale 14-19 5th Anniversary Party icepics Phoenix 15-16 XXXmas in July Dick’s Cabaret Phoenix 16-17 Drag Wars BS West Scottsdale 16 Xmas in July Anvil Phoenix 17 Mr. Charlie’s Artie Party Charlie Phoenix 23 White Party Karamba Phoenix 24 Dancing With The Bars Wyndham Hotel Phoenix 30 Toga Party BS West Phoenix AUGUST 4-7 Gay Nights Las Vegas Las Vegas, NV

the leathermen

D O W N T O W N

P H O E N I X

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thursdays & saturdays

Garden Flashlight Tour You might overlook what’s right here in our own backyard. In this case it’s the Desert Botanical Gardens. Every Thursday and Saturday night at 7 p.m. you’ll have the opportunity to wander through the succulents and agaves and see what makes desert nights special. You might even steal a chance to smooch amongst the saguaros. Nestled in Papago Park, you’ll find it at 1201 N. Galvin Pkwy. For more info call 480-941-1225 or visit DBG.org

Prowl & Play at the Zoo How about a little Bungle in the Jungle? Well, that’s all right by me! Escape civilization for one night and discover why the Phoenix Zoo is one of the nation’s top zoos. On Saturday, July 9 from 6-9:30 p.m. you can enjoy animal meet ‘n’ greets — just like at the bars — and sign up for a guided night hike, and visit the Squirrel Monkeys! All for only $6. 455 N. Galvin Pkwy. Phone: 602-273-1341. Visit PhoenixZoo.org for details.

MLB All*Star FanFest & Game If you love getting hit in face with balls on and off the diamond, you’ll love this! It’s an interactive baseball theme park and the largest baseball fan event in the world featuring exhibits, attractions, seminars, autographs sessions and more on July 8-12 at The Phoenix Convention Center, 100 N. 3rd St. The Big Game will be at Chase Field on July 12. For tix and info visit MLB.MLB.com

JULY 2011 ION around town listings DATE EVENT / LOCATION CITY Mondays Th & Sat 4 8-12 9 9 16 21 26

Birds in the Desert Botanical Garden Flashlight Tour - Desert Botanical Garden Fourth of July Fireworks MLB All*Star Fan Fest - Conv. Ctr & Chase Field Prowl & Play at the Phoenix Zoo Vietnamese Top Model Contest Winter in July - Phoenix Zoo Taste of France - Wild Horse Pass Resort

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Phoenix Phoenix Valleywide Phoenix Phoenix Talking Stick Resort Phoenix Chandler

Lisa Lampanelli Tough Love from the Queen of Mean: The ION Interview and a Big, Fat, #@$% Disclaimer. By Deon Brown 28

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Warning:

The views expressed in this interview do not necessarily reflect those of ION Arizona, its staff or parent company. But they’re pretty %#@*kin’ funny!

alling all cornholers! And any other disenfranchised minority based on race, creed, color, or sexual orientation. Take the best (or worst!) of Joan Rivers, throw in a little bit of Don Rickles and whaddya get? A good, Italian fag hag from Jersey who’s got an opinion on everything. And everyone. And just wait ‘til you hear them. Lisa phoned in to talk to ION Arizona about her fans, her “Tough Love” Tour, married life, Mrs. Dog the Bounty Hunter and, of course, Lucy. And if you’re sitting in the front row reading this interview, get ready: she’s comin’ after you. ION: Why do you love your Gays, and what makes us love you? LL: Oh my god, I love ‘em! I’m tellin’ you right now, Gay men are the only people who have never gotten offended at my jokes. Gay men. Lesbians are another story; they can be a little bitchy. Thank you, homos! But here’s what I think: Gays probably love me because they sense that I’ve felt like an outcast in my own time; I never felt like I fit it. I felt like a minority, also. I asked the Gays that’s what they thought and they said, “No, we just like mean girls.” (Laughs) I don’t know if there’s a bigger reason than that, but, hey! as long as the checks keep clearin’ I’ll take it!

ION: Tell us about “Tough Love.” LL: It’s the Comedy Central special I did. It is faaabulous! It’s dirty and raunchy and as you know, insults every race, creed, color and sexual abomination ‘cause that’s my job. Put it this way: don’t play it for grandma if you don’t want her to have another stroke. If you do want her to have another stroke so you can get the house, go ahead. ION: Are there any sacred cows? Anything off limits? LL: No. My own rule is if I can make it funny, I can joke about it. I don’t care what the subject matter is, how racially charged or if it’s about September 11, AIDS, if I can make it funny, I’m gonna do the joke. If I can’t make it funny, I’m not gonna do it ‘cause that’s not my job. But there’s no actual thing, like, “Oh my god! I won’t talk about that certain subject because it’s taboo!” Nothing’s off-limits. ION: Who do you have in the crosshairs? LL: It’s really funny, because you get in all these little battles on Twitter. It really pisses me off because I make jokes. These are called jokes, and they’re funny. I’m sorry. You don’t get paid a good amount of money for a living for this many years by doing comedy that isn’t funny. So I make a joke, for instance, about, say, oh, I don’t know, that cunt who’s married to Dog the Bounty Hunter and she gets all upset about it and gets her little Christian July 2011 www.IONAZ.com 29

Army to come after me. It’s called a joke, bitch! I kinda little annoyed with her right now. Because I’m the type where I back off and try not to hurt people’s feelings, but when your followers start saying my followers should get AIDS, that’s goin’ a little bit too far. Those kinda people like that, who think they’re semi-celebrities but are really only riding the coattails of their ex-con husband, I say, “You know what? They need to be made fun of even more than I already did.” That’s the stuff. People who take themselves too seriously and really aren’t even celebrities — they’re all goin’ down. ION:Does Lisa Lampanelli ever apologize?

LL: Not for jokes. I apologize in my life all the time. I’ll be, like, “Oh my god! What did I do? Are you mad at me?” But in my real life I’ll never back off a joke. I remember about a year ago I Twittered a joke about Christina Applegate’s lack of tits or something. It was a funny joke that was really not making fun of her. God forbid you make fun of breast cancer — these fuckin’ cunts come outta the woodwork — but you can make all the AIDS jokes

“Gay men are the only people who have never gotten offended at my jokes. Thank you, homos!” you want, ladies. Everybody’s comin’ after me, they’re really mad about this joke, I got thousands of hate letters. And my mind says, “Do you wanna take the joke off the Twitter or apologize?” and I’m, like, “Fuck, no!” You have to stand behind your jokes ‘cause, then what happens? They next joke they’re gonna yell you down, then the next one. Never explain, never complain. ION: Do you have any good stalkers? LL: Helloooo! No. I think it all happened when I got married; they don’t have a chance with this bitch no more. But I am gonna be protested in a few weeks by the beloved Westboro Baptist Church. The “GodHatesFags.com” assholes. So I’m really excited about that. Just to counteract their protest I should get probably get ordained as a minister and perform Gay marriages right in front of them just to really make ‘em see Hellfire and Brimstone! So other than that

nobody’s even bothered to come and find me, so I’m a little offended. ION: You’re a celebrity roast favorite. Are you expecting to be roasted anytime? LL: I hope! When you watch the roasts, they usually turn into a roast of me. I think, “Thank god! Now I’ve become more famous and powerful! I can buy more Toyota Camrys and fake Gucci. I hope one day there will be a roast focused solely on me. That’s like the greatest honor you can have as a comic. ION: How’s married life with Jimmy Big Balls?

would chime in — in a negative way. I’d say, “My fag friend says this ... my fag friend says that ...” and he’d says, “Does this Gay friend have a name? Because maybe you should call him by that.” And I’m, like, “This guy likes Gays!” I was so relieved, because I would’ve had to have dumped him. Even after I fucked him once. ION: Is it hard being “Lisa Lampanelli”?

LL: You know what? So freakin’ easy. Seriously. I’m smart enough to not get married ‘til I’m 49. I already know what a pre-nup is so I got him to sign that real quick. You date enough bad boy retards in your life and you go, “Okay. Now I date somebody who’s nice and cool.” And it helps that he’s cute, too. Cause you know, girl, we need some cuteness in our lives. And the fags love him! You’d be really proud of me; my first phone conversation I felt him out to make sure that he was Gay friendly. I’d say 99% of my friends are Gay guys. He was so cool ‘cause I kept sayin’ the word “fag” just to see if he July 2011 www.IONAZ.com 31

LL: The spotlight always finds me and I’m the center of attention. I think I’m a big ham who likes attention all the time. I wouldn’t do it if I wasn’t having fun. I’m so needy and want the love so bad from these people that I just can’t not do it. I can’t just “phone it in.” But in the airport some guy came up to me and said, “Hey could you insult me? It’ll make my whole trip to New York worthwhile?” I said, “Oh, go home to your wife. I’m sure she’ll do a better job, you fuckin’ douchebag.” But that’s really cute. I don’t mind at all. I mind it when people don’t know what I do and go, “Hey! I gotta funny Jew joke

for you” or “a funny fag joke” that I’m, like, “You don’t get why I do comedy this way, so maybe you should just keep movin’.” ION: If you weren’t the Queen of Mean what would you like to do? LL: Oh my god! I don’t know! I think I’d just be living off my parents so I didn’t have to work because I was never good at being in an office, having a day job. You know what I’d probably do? This is so Gay! I’m very organized — like the homosexuals — I’d be a closet organizer for people. I would have them come out of the closet, and then I’d organize it for them. Now that’s actually a great idea! I’m gonna write that down. ION: Finally, do you love Lucy? LL: That’s weird you mention that! I was in Universal in Orlando and there’s this whole I Love Lucy museum! I was so excited! Why do you ask? That’s so weird! I just love her! One of my sitcom pilots was called I Love Lisa. Just like in the show her husband was the “star,” but she was the freakin’ star of that relationship. It’s always about me and Lucy, that’s what I gotta say! ION: I could talk with you for hours. LL: You lucky bastard!

COMERICA THEATRE Get a little bit of Tough Love from Lisa Lampenelli on Saturday, August 6 at the Comerica Theatre at 8 p.m. You know you wanna f*@!kin’ go! Visit LiveNation.com or call 602379-2888 32

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American Idol Live Despite failing ratings and a lackluster season — and no Gay stripper scandals — not to mention no Simon nor Paula, this forgettable year’s songbirds are touring the country again and belting out tune after tune with all the vocal pyrotechnics you’d expect. They’ll be singing their hearts out on Sunday, July 17 at the US Airways Center at 201 E. Jefferson St. For tix call 800-745-3000 or go to TicketMaster.com

Bob Dylan We can’t understand a word he says, either, for the life of us, but this ancient Jewish American Folk Rock singer is still goin’ at it. It’s hard to realize this now, but his music revolutionized the American music landscape and supported Civil Rights, Justice, and Freedom for all. See Dylan on Monday, July 18 at the Comerica Theatre, 400 W. Washington. Call 602-379-2888 or visit LiveNation.com for tix. The answer is blowin’ in the wind.

Katy Perry & Robyn This little brunette firework brings her “California Dreams Tour” here to Arizona for tweens, prepubescent boys, and college Gay guys to rock out with their Peacocks out. Better than that, Swedish nightingale Robyn will be dancing on her own — so why not join in the fun? Bring your Teenage Dreams to the Comerica Theatre on Wednesday, August 3 at the Comerica Theatre, 400 W. Washington. Call 602-745-2888 or visit LiveNation.com for tickets.

JULY / AUGUST 2011 ION Concert Calendar DATE 1 2 15 15 15 15 16 17 18 18 24

ARTIST LOCATION Smashmouth Talking Stick Resort The Commodores Talking Stick Resort Chris Isaak Celebrity Theatre Jagged Edge & Bel Biv Devoe Celebrity Theatre America Talking Stick Resort Rockstar Energy Mayhem Ashley HomeStore Pavilion Rev. Horton Heat Marquee Theatre American Idols Live US Airways Center Bob Dylan Comerica Theatre Ben Folds Marquee Theatre Journey, Foreigner, Night Ranger Ashley HomeStore Pavilion

AUGUST 3 Katy Perry & Robyn 5 Hippiefest 5 Kid Rock & Sheryl Crow 5 Blood Sweat & Tears

Comerica Theatre Comerica Theatre Ashley Home Store Pavilion Wild Horse Pass Casino

PHONE 480-850-7777 480-850-7777 602-267-1600 602-267-1600 480-850-7777 602-254-7200 480-829-0607 800-745-3000 602-379-2888 480-829-0607 602-254-7200 602-379-2888 602-379-2888 602-254-7200 877-840-0457

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by Jackson David Kelly jacksonkelly@cox.net

Yo, DJ! What’s New? In addition, check out new albums from Lloyd, Incubus, Ultra Weekend 7, Joss Stone and Colbie Cailat.

check out “Cardiac Arrest” as well as “Rocket Scientist” and “Crystal Meth Christian.” GRADE: B+

Beyoncé 4

September Love CPR

Beyoncé suffers the same fate ala Brit and Gaga with the album leak, but shows no apology for this album’s diversity. Though some of the tracks show brilliance, 4 is full of mid-tempo ballads that lack cohesion. As usual, top notch creatives were assembled: Kanye, Babyface, Tedder among others, but perhaps the narrowing down of the 72 tracks proved most difficult. If you hadn’t believed Sasha Fierce was put to rest before, this album seals the deal. Track of choice here is a tossup between “Countdown” with its marching and commanding force and the traditional R&B sound of “Love on Top” while “End of Time,” “I Care” and “1+1” all give great support. GRADE: B-

The Teddybears Devil’s Music

It’s hard to imagine this is their sixth album since their last gave them superstardom visibility. But The Teddybears do it again and create an album that is a perfect continuation of Soft Machine. If you haven’t heard of them before, think of them as a hip indie rock band crashing with Daft Punk, with a swagger and creativity that is their own. As expected, Devil’s Music is full of collaborations with the likes of Eve, B.O.B., the B-52’s, Cee Lo and Robyn. Arguably, “Cho Cha” is the standout track here, but also

The Swedish artist most known for “Cry for You” is back hoping to find a similar ride. As expected, September features non-stop Europop and Eurotrance tracks that are full of bleeps and electronified techno chords à la Eiffel 65 meets O-Zone. If that’s your thing, this album is up your alley. However, dance music has evolved and many will find this trite and ten years out of touch. Vocally she sounds great, but lyrically and musically, Love CPR needs a little CPR. Download the single “Music,” as well as “Intimate Connection” and “Something’s Going On.” GRADE: C

Blondie Panic of Girls

If the Cars, Duran Duran and OMD can do it, why not Blondie? This their first album since 2003, Debbie Harry and company bring their sense of punk, pop and rock back to 2011. Though no standalone track has the fierceness as “Maria,” they give it a good go by appealing to their fan base. The only slight criticisms are the odes to the Caribbean Reggae as well as an attempt to be bilingual in a few of their tracks. I don’t anticipate this to part the sea or create another “Heart of Glass,” but its fun to hear this iconic band still trying to survive. Check out the singles “What I Heard,” “Mother” and “Girlie Girlie” GRADE: C+ July 2011 www.IONAZ.com 37

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April 2011

Christopher Titus Join in the Titus Neverlution! Christopher Titus’ mother was manic depressive, killed her third husband and then herself. He was beaten by his father all his life. Still, he thinks this is funny. You may remember him from his own show on FOX earning him an Emmy nomination. Catch him live at Stand Up Live at CityScape, downtown Phoenix. 50 W. Jefferson St. Call 480-719-6100 for info and tix or visit StandUpLive.com

Hairspray Who doesn’t love the heartwarming story of fabulous fattie with a rock ‘n’ roll soul stuck in a town without pity? This modern day Shakespearean tale set in the 1960s with prejudice, love and saddle shoes will be at the Scottsdale Desert Stages Theatre, 4720 N. Scottsdale Rd. For tickets and more info visit DesertStages.org or call 480-483-1664

Cinderella Rodgers & Hammerstein, those words ‘n’ music guys who brought you South Pacific, The King & I and Oklahoma! also gave us this one about the cute girl with ugly stepsisters, a glass slipper, and Prince Charming. Put them together and what have you got? Bibbidy-bobbedy-boo! Catch it Broadway Palm Dinner Theatre, 5247 E. Brown Rd., Mesa. For tix go to BroadwayPalmWest.com or call 480-325-6700

JULY 2011 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE EVENT LOCATION 8-10 Christopher Titus Stand Up Live-CityScape 8-8/7 Hairspray Scottsdale Desert Stages 12-21 Lunchtime Theatre Herberger 15-17 Aries Spears Tempe Improv 15-23 New Works Festival Phoenix Theatre 15-8/27 Little Shop of Horrors Hale Theatre Ctr.-Gilbert 21-23 Darrell Hammond Tempe Improv 22-23 Norm Macdonald Stand Up Live-Cityscape 23 Jason Latimer Magician Talking Stick Resort 28 Ladies of Comedy Comedy Spot 28-30 Jim Breuer Tempe Improv 29-31 Patrice O’Neal Stand Up Live thru 8/6 Cinderella B’way Palm Dinner Theatre 8/6 Lisa Lampanelli Comerica Theatre

PHONE 480-719-6100 480-483-1664 602-254-7399 480-921-9877 602-254-2151 480-497-1181 480-921-9877 480-719-6100 Scottsdale 480-945-4422 480-921-9877 480-719-6100 480-325-6700 602-379-2888

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A Little

Bit of History Repeating The famous. The near famous. Okay, and the not-so-famous. Everyone had something to share with ION Arizona readers. Interviews with A-listers, D-listers, everybody in between as well as our own local hot shots graced our pages as ION grew over the past decade. Many interviews were funny; some were insightful and touching, sharing something unique. John Waters. Charo. Chelsea Handler. The Dumpster Divas. Even an ION one-on-one with then-budding ingenue Lady Gaga. (continued next page)

(continued from previous) Each one of these glimpses into these not-soprivate lives couldn’t have been done without the care of our dedicated editors, reporters and contributors through the years. Special thanks go out to our experts for their amazing interviews and especially for their passion: Corey Blanchette, Ted Kirby, Kevin Bushaw, Deon Brown, David Salcido, Craig Rubin, Micky Chance, Eric Hendrix, and Evelyn Edwards and many more. ION Arizona is proud and grateful for your contribution.

And now, here’s the best of the best. “Mine would be the 80 mm Howitzer. I’m a long range attack.” Shiny Toy Guns keyboardist Jeremy Dawson when asked “What kind of shiny toy gun are you?” April 2011 #118

“Get a grip, people! The ultimate government takeover is about Civil Rights in the bedroom!”

Lynda Carter

about Government, Gays and marriage April, 2011, issue #118

“Define what ‘fabulous’ is for you and don’t let someone else define it for you.”

Brent Ridge of “The Fabulous Beekman Boys” March 2011, issue #117 42

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“Young kids are being bullied and committing suicide because of things that happened to all of us growing up. Anybody who recognized any flamboyant type of inclination — we got it. But I know that we’re inspiring the children.” About RuPaul’s Drag Race February 2011 Issue #116 “I feel for people who don’t have survival skills or the ability to make things happen quickly. That’s part of the ultimate test of a Higher Energy or God saying, ‘Can you get through this?’ If you make those sacrifices and persevere, you’re gonna win. If you quit, you won’t. You’re out of the game. You’re done. But if you keep persevering, you keep going, you’ll succeed. That’s the bottom line.” Fashion designer Santino October 2010, issue #112

Rice discusses how to succeed.

“We’re trying to send a message to people who see us to express themselves. Celebrate your life! It’s kind of like a ministry for us. We’re sort of like Dumpster Missionaries.”

Dmentia Divinyl & Jenna Talia

The Dumpster Divas December 2010, issue #114

“What’s really remarkable are the people who’ve contributed their talent. AIDS Walk is a beautiful day to be out; young, old, Gay, Straight - all walking for those who can’t. It really shows the best of Phoenix.”

Barbra Seville about “Barbra Seville’s Wonderful 100” team at AIDS Walk Arizona. September 2010, issue #111 “Find a way to align your unique talents with an unmet need in the world and the rest is cake. Well, maybe not cake, but definitely much more purposeful and fulfilling.” YouTube hit, fitness expert, spiritual guru and shirtless hottie Davey Wavey’s advice for people. August 2010, issue #110

“I think I am. I call it ‘A Filth Elder.’ It’s different than in the old days when parents found their kids with my movies and they called the police. Now they bring their kids to me and ask, ‘What do I do with ‘em?’”

John Waters on being a role model “I watch almost no television. I think TV is for pornography.” – John Waters “She makes Straight boys wanna be Gay.” – John Waters on Lady Gaga. July 2010, issue #109 “Friends and family, a glue stick and Kiss Nails.”

Tammie Brown from RuPaul’s Drag Race: season one, naming things she can’t live without. April 2010, issue #106 Brent Corrigan Adult film star - April 2010 Issue #106 “To heal people on a widespread scale, but I would want to be able to do so without recognition. Oh, sure, it would be amazing to be able to turn invisible, fly or even shape-shift into all kinds of animals. I fail to see how fulfilling those things would be in the end. I have always felt the need to make a positive impact on the world. I guess I’m going about it in a strange way, working the adult industry.” What his super power would be. “Never forget that there’s so much more to be had than a great paycheck and a good time. Don’t float through life and expect that you’re going to be just fine. Conserve water and try to remember to recycle.” Advice to young Gay men. “It’s an insult to Mother Nature not to get out and enjoy her good company regularly. This world is full of natural, breathtaking wonders and it’s a shame that so many of us, particularly young people, are embarrassingly out of touch with it.” 44

www.IONAZ.com July 2011

“All these kids and their moms want to take pictures. But I still just feel like David.”

Raven

Finalist from RuPaul’s Drag Race: Season 2 about celebrity. May 2010, issue #107 Hunter: “We hate him, but we can’t let him know because we have to be on his website. Everytime we see him we have to be, like, really, really nice. Then he walks away and we’re, like, ‘Fucking fat bitch!” Jessica: “If we were driving down the street in my Mini Cooper I would totally thrown my iPhone at his big, fat face.”

Jessica and Hunter about ridikidonk celebrity blogger and big mouth Perez Hilton. March 2010, issue #105 “We’re not talking about which fork goes where anymore. This is about knowing what to say and do when you’re faced with homophobia; how to come out of the closet in a compassionate way. I actually think that GLBT manners and morés are changing our community - and our Straight friends - even faster than the government or the courts. “Mr. Manners” Steven Petrow about GLBT etiquette today. February, 2010, issue #104

“They are beautiful. America is the best country in the world, believe me, but when are you going to grow up? Discrimination is out of my vocabulary. I am a great fan of these fabulous, beautiful people. In America they call them ‘Gay,’ but I no see them as a Gay, but as a person. Why they even have the title ‘Gay,’ I don’t understand.”

Charo about her Gay fans. January 2010, issue #103 July 2011 www.IONAZ.com 45

“They ask, ‘Are you or have you ever been a prostitute?’ and I think that’s quite a good question to ask anybody entering your country. It should be asked more often.” Actor/singer Alan Cumming about his proficiency exam for U.S. citizenship. November, 2009, issue #101 “I like to find a way to connect with people in a way that’s uplifting, that makes us feel — as I do — that we’re all in this together. There’s the possibility that I can say something that eases the burden of somebody’s day. To be funny, that’s my number one goal. That’s the beauty of this art form.”

Paula Poundstone on comedy.

October 2009, issue #100

“Something really horrible happened in my life and I turned it around and made it into something really positive. I’m trying to teach people, ‘Don’t make a near-death experience change your life. Do your changes, do what you want to do; find your passion and make those changes now.”

Glenn Douglas Packard, TV reality star, choreographer and Splash Bash! host about how a serious farming accident changed his life. July 2009, issue #97 “A bad boy is actually someone who has a good heart, is responsible, takes care of people and does the right thing. But that’s just one idea; you can take it however you want to. If you want it to be your anthem for your search for a bad ass kind of guy, then rock on with your bad self!”

Derek Perry

of Splash Bash DJs and music artists The Perry Twins about their single, “Bad, Bad Boy.” June 2009, issue #96

“Love! Love is like — really, really — like a medication and you’ll be amazed what that does when people love others. When you love, you tolerate. When you love, you accept. When you love, you respect. You don’t find that often.” BeBe Zaharah Benet, winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race, season one. April 2009, issue #94

Lady Gaga “The Fame is about how anyone can feel famous. Pop culture is Art. It doesn’t make you cool to hate pop culture, so I embraced it, and you hear it all over The Fame. But it’s a sharable fame. I want to invite all of you to the party. I want people to feel a part of this lifestyle.

Lady Gaga

about her first album. March 2009, issue #93. “I’d actually love my own comic book one day. I’d slap the shit out of the Riddler! We’re all superheroes in our own way. We all have that special gift that we share with everyone else.”

Lady Gaga

about her choice of superpowers. March 2009, issue #93.

“I was raised with certain ideas about what the Bible says. Now, as an adult in a whole new world that I didn’t even know existed, I definitely have different perspectives. I’m very much not a poster child for anything perfect, organized, or cookie cutter. I have my own beliefs and I don’t know all the answers. Nor do I like to impress them on anybody else.”

Katy Perry

about her Christian upbringing. March 2009, issue #93 July 2011 www.IONAZ.com 47

“I’ve done it with clowns, so sex with Santa Claus isn’t out of the question.” Adult film star Nick Piston about the prospect of doing porn with a Santa Claus. December 2008, issue #90

Lady Bunny’s

Drag queen

“The abundance of foreskin!” On her favorite thing about living in New York City. December 2008, issue #90 “Puerto Ricans. Which is why I will never leave New York; it’s the capital of Puerto Rico.” On what turns her on. April 2006, issue #46

“Everyone should have a Lesbian build their house. And then stay for a few months to discuss and talk about how the house made them feel.” Stand-up comedian Jennie

McNulty November

2008, issue #89

Chelsea Handler

Comedian and talk show host November 2008, issue #89 “I’m conflicted, to say the least. I love pork and I love polygamy.” On her Jewish and Mormon background. “Suck it forward.” Advice to Gay men

“If I’m going to be one-dimensionalized, it’s an honor to be considered “angry,” because anger has been swept under the carpet so much regarding to women it’s flattering. To the extent that people want one word or a moniker, I’ll take it. I’ll take whatever one you want to throw my way. It’s a projection anyway.”

Alanis Morissette

about being labeled “Angry.” October 2008, issue #88

Jesse Archer

Actor, writer. August 2008, issue #86 “I’ll meet someone at a bar and if they’re hesitant about coming home with me for sex, then I say, ‘I just want to cuddle‘ — which is a total lie and never happens.” On whether it’s okay to lie for sex. “If you are a stereotype, embrace it! That doesn’t mean that you can’t be an exceptional stereotype, right?”

Hal Sparks

Actor/comedian August 2008, issue #86 “Love is a big word. We’re friends with benefits.” When ION asked, “Do you love Lucy?”

“Chang chang. Wo de zhongwenhai xuyao lien xi hen duo keshi wo keyi shui yidian dian de xiao hua.” Telling a joke in Mandarin Chinese.

“Most of my Gay fans come up to me and say, ‘I don’t just love you, I want to be you.’ I’m just assuming it’s the eyeliner.”

Pat Benatar about her Gay fans. March 2008, issue #81 July 2011 www.IONAZ.com 49

“Mel Brooks called me ‘Iron Tits.’” Veteran actress Cloris Leachman about working on Young Frankenstein. February 2006, issue #80 “I like makeup, so I wear it. I like music, so I make it. I like dick, so I suck it. There’s not one thing anyone can do about it.” Arizona musical/performance artist and fab freak Geoffrey Paris January 2008, issue #79

Rod from “Avenue Q”

on Gay marriage. October 2007, issue #76

“Shouldn’t all marriage be Gay? If you’re not happy, why get married? I say, “Glitter and be Gay!”

“People read those words ‘Gay’ and ‘Lesbian’ over and over. That’s neutralizing and naturalizing. He helps people realize, ‘You know, those Gay guys down the street with their two kids — they’re really just fine. They have the same problems I do.’”

Melissa Etheridge

November 2005, issue #53

“Set high goals, work hard, don’t wish things were easier, wish you were better. Make yourself better and you can accomplish whatever you want. Maybe even become mayor.”

Neil Giuliano, former Mayor of Tempe’s

advice for young people. May 2004, issue #35

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www.IONAZ.com July 2011

by Kimberly M. Ruff kimberlymruff@yahoo.com

O n June 21 , summer officially began which means two things for us as we atst

tempt to cool down: lots of impromptu pool parties and many afternoons spent in icy cold theaters watching blockbusters. This season, like every summer since I started writing for ION Arizona, is no different as we’re greeted with another slew of sequels. Let’s see what’s in store:

Cars 2

Starring: Owen Wilson, Larry the Cable Guy, John Turturro, Eddie Izzard, Michael Caine Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson) and the doggedly loyal tow truck Mater (Larry the Cable Guy) reunite in Cars 2, where they take their friendship overseas to compete in the World Grand Prix. Rather than focus primarily on Lightning McQueen as the first film did, this time we follow Mater as he inadvertently steps into an international spy ring. Now, he’s torn between his duties helping McQueen win the upcoming race and his newfound mission. Michael Caine co-stars as Finn McMissile, Eddie Izzard as Miles Axlerod and John Turturro as Francesco Bernoulli. Release Date: In theaters now

Previews theories is, of course, the moon landing. Due to the remarkably similar imagery found in 2001: A Space Odyssey, skeptics argue that science-fiction writer, Arthur C. Clarke, and British film director, Stanley Kubrick, were responsible for staging and filming the entire landing in a sound studio. Despite the sheer volume to the contrary, now filmmaker, Michael Bay, takes a completely different approach is his strictly fiction third-installation in the Transformers franchise: the 1969 moon landing did happen, but it was to explore the 1961 crash of the Transformer’s Ark. Fast-forward 40+ years later, and the war between the Cybertrons and the Autobots is in full effect. Now they must advance to the moon to reclaim their forgotten technology, unearth new ones, and save themselves. Also, Shia LaBeouf returns as Sam Witwicky, who helps his shape-changing scrap metal homies and nurses a broken heart. Release Date: 06/29/2011

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Tyrese Gibson, John Malkovich, Frances McDormand, Ken Jeong One of America’s most popular conspiracy May 2011 www.IONAZ.com 53

www.IONAZ.com May 2011

by Wes Bergman wesobergman@yahoo.com

You Win Some... Hobo with a Shotgun Miral (2011) Starring: Rutger Hauer, Molly Dunsworth, Gregory Smith, Brian Downey, Nick Bateman

In the same manner that Snakes on a Plane gave American audiences a title that leaves little to the imagination, Hobo with a Shotgun is about just that – a hobo with a shotgun. In a script that feels like the writers started with the title and then built a plot from there, Rutger Hauer (Blade Runner) plays a down-on-his luck transient who moves to Hope Town to start over. But Hope Town is inappropriately named, and is terrorized by Drake (Brian) with his two ruthless sons, Ivan (Bateman) and Slick (Smith). After witnessing a series of torturous, murderous and degrading acts perpetrated by this sociopathic family, the hobo scraps his plans of starting a landscaping business in favor of being a one-man vigilante in order to restore justice, dignity and peace to Hope Town. Let there be no mistaking – Hobo with a Shotgun is never going to find its way on AFI’s Top 100. However, it’s going to find a very comfortable home in the “Cult Film” section of mom-and-pop movie rental shops alongside other classics like Evil Dead, Pink Flamingos, and The Toxic Avenger. So if you appreciate campy, absurd cinema, this is your cup of tea. Assuming you don’t actually drink tea. Release Date: 07/05/2011.

(2010) Starring: Willem Dafoe, Freida Pinto, Vanessa Redgrave, Omar Metwally, Yasmine Al Masri

Directed by Academy Award nominated director, Julian Schnabel (The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Before Night Falls, Basquiat), Miral is an ensemble piece that focuses largely on seventeen year-old Miral (Pinto, Slumdog Millionaire), an orphan raised by Hindi Husseini (Hiam Abbass, Amreeka) in an orphanage in war-torn Jerusalem. Assigned to teach at a refugee camp preceding the Intifada Resistance, she falls in love with a dedicated political activist (Metwally, Munich) and must decide between the revolutionary action of her lover or educational approach of her mentor. Release Date: 07/12/2011.

July 2011 www.IONAZ.com 55

flagstaff pride

Photos by Tom King

Diamond Crystal Awards ArizonaDrag.com honors the men & women of drag in Arizona with the Diamond Crystal Awards featuring Raven from RuPaul’s Drag Race. It all happens on Friday, July 8 at The Rock. $10 tickets available at ArizonaDrag.com

JULY 2011 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE

TIME LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S)

Fri. 1 & 15 10:00pm Sun 3 8:00pm Sun 3 6:00pm Wed 6 9:00pm Fri 8 7:00pm Sat 9 8:00pm Sat 9 7 & 11pm Sun 10 7:00pm Sun 10 8:00pm Thurs 14 9:00pm Fri 15 & Sat 16 7:00pm Sat 16 & Sun 17 Sun 17 8:00pm Fri 22 10:00pm Sun 24 8:00pm Fri 29 10:00pm Fri 29 7:00pm Fri 29 & Sat 30 7:00pm Sun 31 7:00pm Sun 31 7:00pm

The Rock Scandaleyez with Savannah Stevens Apollo’s Afeelia’s House of Bunz The Rock ArizonaDrag.com’s Showgirlz The Rock Dragtini with Felicia & Friends The Rock The Diamond Crystal Awards with Raven Friends This One’s For the Girls The Rock Dragalicious with Raja BS West The Big Hair Ball Apollo’s Tequila Nights with Tyra Marie The Rock Glamazon with T.C. Taylor Multi-Gen Events Center American Icons Live AmericanIconsLive.com BS West DRAG WARS Apollo’s The Cougar Cabaret The Rock Genderfuct Apollo’s STRUT Fundraiser for Mr. Arizona/Mr. Wild West The Rock Lady Christian’s Trailer Trash Revue BS West King of the Desert M.I. Review Show Multi-Gen Events Center American Icons Live AmericanIconsLive.com Apollo’s Barbra Seville Special Fundraiser for Miss Gay Arizona America BS West King of the Desert Pageant

Mondays Tuesdays Tuesdays Wednesdays Wednesdays Thursdays Third Thursdays Fridays Fridays Fridays Saturdays Saturdays Saturdays Saturdays Sundays Sundays

Apollo’s BS West Karamba Cruisin’ 7th Charlie’s Karamba Trinity Friends Cruisin’ 7th BS West Cruisin’ 7th The Rock icepics Charlie’s Charlie’s Karamba

9:30pm 8:00pm 10:30pm 10:30pm 10:00pm 10:30pm 10:00pm 10:00pm 10:30pm 9:00pm 10:30p 10:00pm 10:00pm 9:30pm 8:30pm 10:30pm

Drag Bingo Stars of Tomorrow with Kendra St. James Savannah Moussier Steppin’ Out with Judy & TC Claudia B. & Company Ruby Reynolds Inferno with Ruby Reynolds Freaky Fridays with Celia Putty Devina’s TGIF Elements 7 Deadly Sins - followed by Mandi BoomBoom Host Mia Adams The Barbra Seville Show The Chane Jordan Show Pussy’s Patio Show Pussy LeHoot & Friends Diamond’s Show July 2011 www.IONAZ.com 57

www.IONAZ.com July 2011

I’m No Stranger in Paradise

e’re always looking for the grill next door. Just a hop, skip and a jump away on the Metro Light Rail you’ll find the new culinary Garden of Eden right next door in Mesa, at the recently inaugurated Paradise, a nightclub, bar and restaurant for casual dining and drinks. The atmosphere is sleek, sophisticated and oh-so-chic, while still classy, comfortable and welcoming. Brightly upholstered contemporary furnishings, a muted paint palette and a creative floorplan give Paradise visual appeal, and a downright cool place to dine. Paradise’s menu starts off with 11 appealing appetizers ranging from $5$9. “Bar Food” staples like Chicken Wings are available along with inventive noshes, like a Mozzarella and Gorgonzola Quesadilla and seared Ahi Tuna Sliders. Their tender Sirloin Sliders are flame broiled and served with spicy chipotle mayonnaise. Two different Soups of the Day are served, with most made from scratch and in-house, including a popular Cream of Mushroom Soup. Six plentiful salads explore a variety with a mixture of greens available in half- or full-orders.

Eight different sandwiches and burgers, including a blackened chicken wrap and a Veggie Burger are right at home on the menu, all around $8 or $9 served with your choice of waffle fries or salad. Basta! Don’t forget the pasta! Five signature pasta entrées pepper Paradise’s menu, all around $10 each and served with salad and garlic bread. The Tortellini Three Formaggia is a winner with perfectly prepared tortellini filled with a ricotta, parmesan and mozzarella blend of cheeses and blanketed with their bianca (white) sauce and fresh basil. For only $2 more you can add grilled chicken, or $4 for salmon.

July 2011 www.IONAZ.com 59

Three specialty dishes are offered: chicken, beef and fish. Moonshine Chicken, a plump breast topped with creamy mushrooms and a Kentucky whiskey sauce is a real crowd pleaser, while the Bistro Tender features three sizable, thick beef medallions prepared to order and topped with sautéed mushrooms and a rich, red wine sauce. Note: the roasted lemon and herb potatoes help steal the show instead of being the ho-hum side note that spuds usually are. These entrées range from $11-$15. The menu was created largely by Rigo Neri, the muscled, handsome, tattooed General Manager, and he’s always eager to see that things are, well, like Paradise. The staff couldn’t be better. Our server, Brittney, was a living doll. Paradise features Happy Hour every day from 3-7 p.m. and an additional “Never Too Late” Happy Hour from Sunday to Wednesday, 10 p.m. to midnight. In addition to drink specials you’ll also have the chance to graze on eight “Small Plate” offerings that will

www.IONAZ.com July 2011

stave off your hunger pangs before the kitchen closes for the evening. The main menu is not available after 10 p.m. but you’ll still have plenty of lighter fare to choose from. Getting there on the Light Rail is easy. Getting home is even easier. On weekdays the last train leave around midnight. Fridays and Saturday nights, about 2:30 a.m. Why sweat the traffic? And Paradise wants everyone to drive responsibly. You might say it’s a little bit of Heaven on Earth at Paradise. Last we checked the only people who were thrown out of Paradise were Adam and Eve. Certainly not Adam and Steve, or Madame and Eve.

1749 W. Main St. at Sycamore Phone: 480-464-4721 paradisebaraz.com Sun-Wed: 11 a.m.-midnight Thurs-Sat: 11 a.m.-2 p.m

July 2011 www.IONAZ.com 61

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www.IONAZ.com July 2011

SWAYâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Anniversary party

The Vig

PHOTOS at www.IONAZ.com

2001-2011

Celebrating 10 Years of Awesomeness

www.IONAZ.com July 2011

Santiago Peralta October 2007 February 2008 April 2009

July 2011 www.IONAZ.com 69

Matt Woods July 2001 July 2008 Fun fact: this photo is from the first photo shoot ION ever did! Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s never been printed in color before!

www.IONAZ.com July 2011

Rebecca Hollis of Mirage Entertainment

December 2007

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Robert Ansick February 2002 May 2010 72

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Jamaal Pittman March 2009 May 2010

Jojo Halko May 2010 74

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Michael Delcore October 2009

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Luke Palentine June 2010

Mat Tomcyzk December 2010

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March 2008

Marc Chatow 78

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www.IONAZ.com July 2011

Vol. 5, Issue 2

JULY 2011

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

“I Hate You!” New York Grants Gay Divorces OUTRAGEOUS!

NEW YORK CITY — Scant days after New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo signed New York’s Gay marriage bill into law, Gotham City’s churches, chapels and City Hall was flooded with more Gays than a Tea Dance on Fire Island in July and more Lesbians than Home Depot on a Saturday. Each one with a band of gold waiting for a special ring finger.

I’ll be able to retire in Boca Raton, Florida in two years with this kind of money coming in!” “I can’t believe it,” wept Bruce St. LaCroix, an Upper West Side florist. “I gave that queen the best years of my life! And then he cheats on me with a go-go boy from the Village!”

OUTRAGEOUS!

“I can’t believe it!” screamed Marge Peterbaugh, a field hockey coach at Gertrude Stein School for Girls. “I gave that bitch some of the best days of my life! And then she cheats on me with a spot welder!”

The bottles of Dom Perignon champagne was still fizzy at every Adam and Steve’s reception hall. The cans of Miller ANY RESEMBLANCE TO High THELife TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL were still cool at every Madame and Eve’s This legislation has been a boon to a sagging apartment complex clubhouse when every economy with all the weddings, receptions lawyer’s phone began ringing in the Empire and parties. Now they are complemented by State with a message that began with four the divorces being filed in record numbers. little words: “I want a divorce!” “This is great! I mean, terrible. Terrible and great,” enthused Aaron Kornblau, attorney-atlaw with Kornblau, Kornblau and Kornblau, LLC. “I’m on the dockets at City Hall for the next six months straight with Gay divorces!

“It’s boils down to one magic word,” said Judge Judy Scheindlin. “Alimony. And ratings, too.” The no-nonsense TV judge will devote next season broadcasting Gay and Lesbian divorce hearings.

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

www.IONAZ.com July 2011

OUTRAGEOUS!

Arizona Sponsors Barbeque! OUTRAGEOUS! Everyone Invited! OUTRAGEOUS!

PHOENIX ol’ fashioned, — “When all-American life gives you barbeque for lemons, make everybody? lemonade,” Well, except saidRESEMBLANCE Gov. Jan the illegals, ANY TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY for ACCIDENTAL Brewer during of course. And an exclusive by illegals we interview. “So mean Mexicans. we decided, If you’re, say, ‘When your Canadian and state is White but illegal, consumed that’s okay with wildfires, because nobody have a barbeque!” The recent Wallow can tell. Just don’t say, ‘out.’ or ‘about.’” Fire consumed more than 50,000 acres in eastern Arizona, while an inferno raged Thousands of pounds of hamburger, hot in the Chiricahua mountains swallowing dogs, buns and gallons of ketchup, mustard, up 348-square-miles of once majestic mayo along with truckloads of onions, forestland. The fire in the Huachuca ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL tomatoes and relish are being sought along ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL Mountains in southern Arizona consumed with lots of napkins. more than 42-square-miles as it raced southward. “These fires are spreading through the Indian reservations, so we’ll have plenty of fry “These events are always challenging,” bread and mutton,” said one fire incident said a member of the the Governor’s staff. deputy and chef. “It’s moving toward “With the effects of Arizona’s SB 1070 Mexico, and if they want to pitch in with crushing the state’s tourism in an already some refried beans and chili rellenos, that’s lousy economy, we’re brainstorming here. fine. But as long as they keep it on their side So what could be more fun than a good of the border.”

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL July 2011 www.IONAZ.com 85

OUTRAGEOUS!

Ex U.S. Rep. Weiner in a Pickle

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

QUEENS, New York — The cocksure representative Anthony Weiner (D-NY) resigned in an early withdrawal from his term after the “sexting” scandal ANY in a RESEMBLANCE Zippergate controversy.

TO THE TRUTH IS

“I thought of going into business — Tony’s Porksicles, The Jolly Pink Giant, The Porridge Pump, Tony’s Turkey Baster, The Purple TRAGICALLY Porkchop, ACCIDENTAL The Ramburglar, Mr. Salami, The Shiny Banana. Different restaurants and snack shops,” the cocky Weiner said. Weiner always hoped to be a member of the White House Executive Staff.

“The past few inches — I mean, ‘weeks’ have been awful. I never saw it coming. So to speak. I clearly overshot my boundaries. So to speak. I just couldn’t stick it out. So to speak,” ANY TO TRUTH IS IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL said RESEMBLANCE the disgraced “Now I wake up ANY RESEMBLANCE TOTHE THE TRUTH TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL congressman. “My every morning career just petered — I’ve always out. So to speak. I feel like a real ding-dong. been an early riser — hear the rooster crow, So to speak. I feel like this has all been a ‘Cock-a-doodle-doo!’ and even though I’m bunch of baloney. So to speak.” a little stiff and I know things will be hard for a while, I just keep pushing. I hope my The disgraced politician’s career is in ruins, wife can take it all. I relax by playing the especially after a week of grueling jokes on organ,” he shared. late night talk shows.

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL July 2011 www.IONAZ.com 87

ON Arizona is happy to introduce C. Edward’s comic strip, “Abel Boddy,” the adventures of the hedonistic, devil of a guardian angel here to guide temp-employee, earthbound Howard through life — but he’d rather just cruise guys. Join Abel and Howard along with their eclectic group of friends every month. Check out the hilarious archives of the gang’s adventures at AbelBoddy.com for more laffs.

July 2011 www.IONAZ.com 89

www.IONAZ.com July 2011

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BS West

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1804 Bethany Rd. - Phoenix (602) 1560W. E. Osborn Rd.Home - Phoenix (602)242-5114 266-0477

Pumphouse II PARADISE BAR 22. NEW!

4132W. E. McDowell - Phoenix (602) 275-3509 1749 Main St. Rd. - Mesa paradisebaraz.com

Retro Bar 23. Plazma

3114E.E.Osborn Cactus Rd. 1560 Rd.- Phoenix - Phoenix

(602)266-0477 493-0355 (602)

The Rock Cactus 24. Rainbow

4129 N. Ave.Creek - Phoenix 15615 N.7th Cave Rd. - Phoenix

(602)971-1086 248-8559 (602)

25. The Rock Rainbow Cactus 26. Roscoe’s

4129 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

Incognito Karamba Kobalt

Roscoe’s

Velocity

2424 E. Thomas Rd. - Phoenix

1724 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix 3110 N. Central Ave. - Phoenix

4531 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

15615 N. Cave Creek Rd. - Phoenix

4531 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

2303 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 955-9805 (602) 254-0231 (602) 264-5307

(602) 285-0833

(602) 248-8559 (602) 867-2463

(602) 285-0833 (602) 956-2885

27. Trinity Nightclub (Thurs) 1420 N. Scottsdale Rd. - Scottsdale infernonights.com Wild Card

28. Z Girl Club Z Girl Club

Recommended

801 N. Arizona Ave. - Chandler

4301 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix 4301 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

(480) 857-3088

(602) 265-3233 (602) 265-3233

July 2011 www.IONAZ.com 91

IONBAR GUIDE PHOENIX

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

Apollo’s

Frat Dance Night 10pm 2-4-1 well/dom 50¢ draft refills

$5 red cup/50¢ refills 10a-10p Karaoke 9pm

$5 red cup/50¢ refills 10a-10p Male Strippers 10:30pm

Bar 1

Friday Happy Hour 4-7p 10a-4p $1.75 well/ bud draft

Saturday $2 dom bottle 6-9p 10a-4p $1.75 well/ bud draft

$2 Brown Bagged Beer 10a-4p $1.75 well/ bud draft

Happier Hour 3-6:30p 2-4-1well $5 martinis-$3 all beer & h wine

Brunch 10am-2pm $4 Bloody $3 glass or $10 mimosas pitch

Sunday Chill 2-7pm 2-4-1 alcohol / $10 bucket beer

BS West

ELEMENTS Illusion Show Mandi & the Boom Boom Boys

2-4-1 everything all night Go-go dancers - A new tradition

Karaoke 9pm $1 Miller Lite drafts

Charlie’s

$3 pitchers/2-4-1 well/dom 2-7p $1 Happy Hour 7-9p/Afterhours

$3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 12-7p $1 Happy Hour 7-9p/Afterhours

Volleyball 4-7pm, NEW 3-4-1 $3 Long Islands, $3 pitchers

NEW! Claude’s

2-4-1 Well / $1 Off Every. 2-8p Reverse Happy Hour 11-2am

Beer Bust 2-8pm $1 draft, $2 pitchers, $1 off bottle dom.

$2 Bloody Mary / Mimosa 10a-2p Booze & Cruise 2p-close 2-4-1

Club Sultra

Happy Hour All Night $4 Wine/$5 Martini/Shot Special

$4 Lng Islnd / Adios M.F.$5 Afterhours ‘til 4 Free before 1

Cruisn’ 7th

TGIF - Devina 10:30 pm

AZ Leathermen Strippers 4:3 New Show Hostess Mia Adams

Morning Madness 1st & 3rd Sun $3 Svedka cocktails 7p-close

Dick’s Cabaret

2-4-1 VIP Dances 7pm ‘til 9pm

Off the Hook Tons of Prizes & Giveaways

2-4-1 Cover Charge, Dances & VIP Wristbands

$3 Pomegranate Presses Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

$3 Bottle Beer & Tequila Shot Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

$3 Brunch Drinks 50% off bottles of wine

R Bliss / ReBAR

R FEZ

FRIDAY

Sunday Brunch $10 10am-2pm

FREE Hot Appetizer Bufet 5-8pm

Friends Again! icepics

MEAT - Hot Go Go Dancers $2.50 dom / $3 well / $4 Lg Isl.

The Chane Jordan Show! $4 SKYY cocktails 10pm

Show Tunes Sundays 2pm-8pm 2-4-1 drinks

JJ’s Male Revue

Stripper Auction $$ Dances

2-4-2 VIP Dances

Karamba

Vaquero Fridays 9pm-11pm Reverse Happy Hour $2 drinks

Top 40 Saturdays 9pm-11pm Reverse Happy Hour $2 drinks

Top 40 Sundays Diamond Show $3 Pitcher Beer Bust

Roscoe’s 10:00p- 1:00a

Cruisin’ 7th | Plazma 4:30p - 7:00p | 10:30p - 1:30p

The Leathermen

R Maizie’s

Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

Happy Hour Brunch 9a-2p 3-6pm Everyday

Brunch All Day Closes at 4pm

R Mi Patio

Fridays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Saturdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Sundays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

R NEW! Paradise Bar

DJ Rebel X 2x1 You Call It Well, domestic & draft 10-mid

Guest DJs 2x1 You Call It Well, domestic & draft 10-mid

$4 Mimosas & Bloody Mary Magdalenas

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm- Open 2-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm-Open 11-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

R Roscoe’s*

The Leathermen! Great Happy Hour

Happy Hour 10am-7pm Free Darts All afternoon

Make your Bloody Mary Bar $8 Lg Isnd Pitch. $3 Beer Pitch.

R Switch

Fri: $3 House Margaritas Open from 11am-Midnight

Sat: $3 House Cosmo Martini Open from 10am-Midnight

$3 Sweet Tea Vodka Lemonade $3 Breakfast Carafes Open @ 10

R Ticoz

Fridays 1/2 off Coronas all day Happy Hour 3-6:30pm

Saturday 1/2 off well vodka Brunch 10a-3p - HH 3-6:30p

Sundays 1/2 off Sangria Pitch Brunch 10a-3p - HH 3-6:30

The Rock

Trinity Nightclub Z Club

R 92

FULL MENU

INFERNO: The only 18+ Nightclub every Thursday! Fridays FREE Hot Wings! DJ Tsunami 9p-2a

* LIMITED MENU/TIMES

www.IONAZ.com July 2011

Saturday DJ Rebel X 9p-2a

Trash Disco with Truett John Breen 8pm-Close

FREE PROJECT HARD HAT CONDOMS

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

Drag Bingo 9:30 2 for 1 u-call-it all day/night

Live Cabaret Show 8 pm $2 off any martini

Happy Hour All day / All night

Karaoke 9:30pm

Monday $5 Martini and Manicures

KAROKE $2.50 wel, dom 10a-4p $1.75 well/ bud draft

$1 OFF in your undies/leather 10a-4p $1.75 well/ bud draft

Thursday 2-4-1 U Call It 10a- cl 10a-4p $1.75 well/ bud draft

Student Salvation Mondays $20 Plate of apps + bottle wine

Twofer Tuesdays $20 2 burgers/fries/2 dom beer

2-4-1 Wednesdays 9pm-close 2-4-1 on ALL drinks

Thirstday Thursdays $4 AMF, Lng Islnd/ Skinny drink

W.H.O.R.E. Service Industry $2 dom $3 well $4 bombers

Stars of Tomorrow Show with Kendra St. James $4 Skyy

2-4-1 All Day and All Night A valley tradion!

Alternative Night w/Shane Ecks $2 drafts

Underwear Party 8-cl 1/2 price 2-8pm $3 pitch. 2-4-1 well/dom

2-8p $3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 8p-Close 2-4-1 cocktails/dom

2-8p $3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 8p-close $3 Pinnacle

2-4-1 All Day! Cocktails and beer

2-4-1 Well / $1 Off Every. 2-8p Reverse Happy Hour 11-2am

Karaoke 9pm

Steppin’ Out TC Taylor hosts 10:30 pm - $2 domestic

AZ Leathermen Strippers 10:30 pm

2-4-1 Cover Charge, Dances, VIP Wristbands

Amateur Night Starts at 10pm

Wacky Wednesdays $5 Cover and almost everything else

Stripper Karaoke

$3 Burgers $ Margaritas Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

‘tini Tuesdays $3 Martinis Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

$20 Any Bottle of Wine Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

$3 G Spots Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

Martini Club $5 Pinnacle Marti. Get your Club Card, 10th is 25¢

2-4-1 Thursday Well & Domestic Plus different top shelf selections

Monday Night Karaoke 9p-1a $4 Pinnacle Cocktails 9p-close FREE Poker Tournament 7pm and 10pm

GLEE starting at 7pm 2-4-1 drinks during the show

Karaoke starting at 9pm $3 well/$2.50 dom./$4 martinis

2-4-1 in undies beer/well 9p-cl $3 Three Olives Thursdays

2-4-2 VIP Dances

Amature Night 9p

Off the Hook Hump Night

Industry Night

Karaoke Mondays DJ Ramon $2 drinks & $3 Pitch. Beer Bust

Salsa Tuesday Savannah Show $2 drinks & $3 Pitch. Beer Bust

Top 40 Wed. Barbra Seville $2 drinks & $3 Pitch. Beer Bust

TEJANO Ruby Show $2 drinks & $3 Pitch. Beer Bust

The Leathermen perform at Roscoe’s, Cruisin’ 7th and Plazma!

Cruisin’ 7th Ruby Reynolds 10:30p - 12:30p

$4 Bistro Burgers 4-10pm $10 off of all Bottled Wines

Pizza/Wine Special Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

BBQ Short Ribs Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

$3 Mexican Beers Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

Mondays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Tuesdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Wednesdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Thursdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

$4 Margaritas

$5 Signature Martinis

$5 Smirnoff Cocktails

DJ Tsunami 2x1 You Call It Well, domestic & draft all night!

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm- Open 2-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

Monday Pool Tournament 2-4-1 beer & well 7pm-close

2 for Tuesdays 2-4-1 drinks all day

Wednesday All Day Happy Hour

Thursdays 2-4-1 7pm

Mon: $3 House Chard and Cab Open from 11am-Midnight

Tue: $3 Drunken Italian Sodas Open from 11am-Midnight

Wed: $3 Sangrias Open from 11am-Midnight

Thur: $3 Caipirinhas Open from 11am-Midnight

Mondays 1/2 off Mojitos HH 3-6:30pm - Open 11am-Mid

Tuesdays 1/2 off Sangrias HH 3-6:30pm - Open 11am-Mid

Wednesdays 1/2 off Margaritas HH 3-6:30pm - Open 11am-Mid

Thursdays 1/2 off draft beer HH 3-6:30pm - Open 11am-Mid INFERNO THURSDAYS 18+ The hottest, biggest dance club

$4 Wells / $4 Long Island / $4 Adios MF Mondays DJ Spinna 9p-2a $2.75 pitchers

Tuesdays 2-4-1

Wednesdays 2-4-1 Karaoke with Nikki Knowels

$5 Martinis ALL DAY! Minute to Win In 7-9pm

ION ARIZONA July 2011 www.IONAZ.com 93

by Addison DeWitt

“Start spreadin’ your legs!” Everybody’s giddy and gay since the The Empire State’s legislature approved Gay marriage just scant days before their Gay Pride, just 42 years after the famous Stonewall Riots that started GLBT activism. The excitement was so great you could hear the sound of bottles of “Poppers” poppin’ from the Upper West Side down to the mythical Avenue Q. Not quite as fabulous and not so funny at all was TV’s so-called “comedian” Tracy Morgan who quipped about stabbing Gay children. Now he’s joking about retarded and crippled people. He’ll never get on the Jerry Lewis MDA Labor Day Telethon at this rate. And I just may boycott 30 Rock, too, until he takes some Sensitivity Training Courses. Because, as you know, I know all about sensitivity.

A big, hearty congrats goes out to Miss Celia Putty, who as une femme d’une certaine age and after years of self-imposed retirement from the powder puff, won the Miss Gay Arizona America Pageant! It’s hard to believe that I’ve been writing this column for ION Arizona since December 2003. That’s almost eight years, chickadees. I’ve been celebrated and I’ve been denigrated. I’ve been cheered and jeered. I’ve been I’ve been praised and, yes, I’ve been put down. I’ve been vilified and — whatever the opposite of ‘vilified’ is. I’ve been lauded and alot of the time I’ve been loaded. But as Oscar Wilde once quipped, “The only thing worse than being talked about, is not being talked about.” I’ve seen ‘em come, and I’ve seen ‘em go. But I only want to be on your level, darlings. And it’s been uphill for me the whole way. That’s a compliment, by the way. Just in case you couldn’t tell. It’s buried in there somewhere. I promise you.

But here, as we celebrate ION Arizona’s tenth anniversary, I’d like to thank you all pubicly —I mean, publicly — for being such If you’re looking for underwear, you might good sports. Well, most of you have been try searching for your scanties online good sports. Some of you have been real at WhiteyTighties.com, who recently sponsored an underwear fashion show and pills. Mostly ex-boyfriends, though, whom I tried my best to humiliate on these pages. auction at B.S. West. Just make sure you And sometimes I succeeded. don’t visit TightyWhities.com. I don’t want to give it away, but that site has nothing to Was it worth it? do with underwear, except for taking them You betcha. off. I was shocked. Shocked, I tell you! I did, however, see a familiar face. And he Tell Addison all about your experience with wasn’t wearing underwear, either. Thank his ex-boyfriends and let him know whether god! And it took me two hours ‘til I pulled it was worth it for you, either. He can be mine up again. reached at RumorHound@aol.com July 2011 www.IONAZ.com 95

www.IONAZ.com July 2011

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

Mom was right: never talk to strangers. In an attempt to be friendly you’ll overextend yourself and get mixed up with a real piece of work when you say, “Hi, how are you?” one night. That’s a mistake. Big mistake. Probably a Scorpio. Run.

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20

There’s a fence that needs mending. Smoke that peace pipe. Bury the hatchet. Kiss and make up with an old friend. Things might not ever be the same again, but you’ll rest better at night because it wasn’t your fault, anyway; he was the jackass. That’s a Sagittarius for you.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

not so little, or very white. Make a clean breast of the situation and you’ll be celebrated for it. Tell a Taurus.

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22

You’re knee-deep in a sticky situation with family. An unexpected revelation surprises you, but not nearly as much as they’ll be when you tell them something you found out. It’s almost like Murder She Wrote, but without any blood. A Scorpio helps you spy.

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23

Your gift of gab gets you in hot water. Remember, loose lips sink ships. Your “Radio Free AZ” reputation for broadcasting everything you hear has repercussions. On the bright side, this means a Taurus listens to everything you say. And a Leo. And a Libra ...

You’re Devil-may-care attitude makes people swoon. You’ve got admirers far and wide throwing roses at your feet. Don’t get caught up in too much of your own publicity because there’s somebody up in the Peanut Gallery who’s been dying to get your attention. An Aquarian wants your autograph.

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20

In a world full of artificial flavors, coloring, emulsifiers and monosodium glutamate, it’s refreshing to know that you’re all natural. For the most part. Hair dye doesn’t count, but a fake tan does. Still, your genuine fabulousness shines this birthday month. An Aries falls for you.

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22

Surprise yourself. Learn something new. Bake cookies. Draw. Send a friend a card — in the mail. Enter a contest. Go skinny dipping! Don’t let your fussiness get in the way of a good time. Throw caution to the wind this birthday. You amaze a Capricorn and a Libra.

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22

Someone comes for advice. Take this Something you’ve been avoiding catches up with you. It might be a parking ticket, an old library book late fee or a little white lie that’s 98

www.IONAZ.com

July 2011

Feeling like your life is a reality show? Part Survivor, part Amazing Race with a little bit of Real World thrown in, but without the sex? Things are challenging, but it all calms down mid-month. An Aquarius helps you cross a spiritual finish line. Be gracious in victory.

You have a certain animal magnetism that has everybody looking for a little “bungle in the jungle.” Just make sure that big game safari doesn’t turn into a wild goose chase, or you’ll be a monkey’s uncle. A Cancer has a big bazooka just for you.

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

You and your big mouth. Your silver tongue fails you when you need it most. A little tact goes a long way. A long, flowery oration obfuscates the obvious. Translation: Say, “Oops! Sorry!” to a Libra and a Scorpio.

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

You’re a sparkler! It’s kinda like everything goes, “Ker-POW!” when you walk on the scene. Be careful you don’t blow off somebody’s fingers or put out an eye in the process. Speaking metaphorically, of course. You sizzle ‘n’ snap with a Capricorn.

July 2011 www.IONAZ.com 99