ION Arizona January 2010 Issue 103 by ION Arizona

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Karamba

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2010

Happy Days are Here Again! To say 2009 was a tough year for most on page 34. Also, join ION at the Dodge people is an understatement. Fortunately, 2010 shows signs of hope and promise. The economy is improving, the stock market is on the rise and houses are slowly selling. One of the great things about our country is that the economy is cyclical. It will always bounce back. You just have to be prepared for the down turns, which many of us were not. This year is very special milestone for me. On January 1st, JMT Designs, Inc. the parent company of ION Arizona, celebrated 15 years in business! Like marriage, a majority of new businesses fail in the first five years. How have we survived and even thrived? We have a talented, loyal and hardworking staff with shared committed to creativity and design excellence. We hold ourselves to a higher standard. As proof, we have joined the Better Business Bureau, a great organization of businesses with a common goal of business ethics and excellence. Recently, we have formed many alliances with mainstream entertainment venues, national and straight owned/ gay friendly businesses as well as many local non-profit organizations. Today we help promote the Dodge Theatre, ASU Gammage, Jobing.com Arena, Mesa Center for the Arts and Chandler Center for the Arts. ION was lucky enough to interview Charo this month, the fabulous Latina entertainment icon of the last four decades, who will be performing one night only at Chandler Center for the Arts on February 13. Read her interview

Theatre January 16 for Kathy Griffin.

ION has always encouraged you to have a fun, safe night out on the town. Over the years law enforcement has cracked down on DUIs. This month we are excited to announce that ION has partnered with Discount Cab to be our exclusive transportation company. Discount Cab offers a unique program called FREE RIDE BACK. They will drive you back to your car the next day for free. Some restrictions apply. See their ad on page 14 as well as on our Bar Specials Guide on Page 90. While most of you pick up ION at one of 150+ locations around the state, many readers are now viewing the entire magazine online and on their iPhone. Now we are everywhere. People read us throughout the United States, Canada, Mexico, Brazil, Europe, Australia and even Saudi Arabia. But last month we received a letter from a reader in Cuba (in Spanish!) Niorge Beltran - if you are reading this, thank you for your letter and good luck finding Mr. Right. We love to hear from our readers in and out of Arizona. Send a letter at ionarizona@ me.com. I personally read each letter. I love a new year. Like a new lover, you can take better care of this one then you did the last one. What will you with your new year? What will you do different? What will you improve in your life, your friendships and your community? January 2010

Jack Tesorero Publisher / Founder www.IONAZ.com 17

ION ARIZONA STUDIO 3819 North 3rd Street Ste. #10, Phoenix, AZ 85012

(602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com

ionarizona@me.com

Publisher

Jack M. Tesorero - Ext. 5 ........... jacktesorero@me.com CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw - Ext. 4 ..................... kbushaw@me.com Editor AND CONTENT CZAR Deon Brown - Ext. 3 .................. ionazeditor@me.com PRODUCTION ASSISTANT Craig Rubin ................................. ionarizona@me.com IONAZ.tv Director Mike Chesworth ...................... chesworthmd@me.com PRODUCTION & Artwork ionazproduction@me.com Advertising Sales Jorge Suarez, Ext 2 ..................... ionazsales@me.com Photographers:

Jerry O’Conner Kurtis Scholz

Don Thompson Michael Chesworth

Cover Photo by Jerry O’Conner & Kevin Bushaw National Advertising Representative Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 ContributORS:

Corey Blanchette Wes Bergman Addison DeWitt Jackson David Kelly

Ted Kirby David Alan Maxey Kim Ruff Paul Sanchez

To Grow your business, call (602) 308-4662 Published monthly by

a JMT Designs, Inc. company

PRINTED IN THE USA

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee. NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company. Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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1995-2010: 15 Years of Design and Creative Excellence

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Jessika Murphyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Show

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Forbidden’s Birthday Blowout Seems like only two years ago Forbidden opened its doors for the first time. Hey! It was only two years ago! They’re celebrating January 15-16 with penny drinks from 8-10 p.m. plus a buffet, Barbra Seville’s spectacular, the new Dynamite Divas show, DJ, dancing and more! 6820 E. Fifth Ave. in Scottsdale. www.ForbiddenAZ.com. Phone: 480-994-5176

Lambda Car Club Int’l. Move over, Barrett-Jackson! The Lambda Car Club Int’l. is sponsoring “FantAZy Island,” the regional invitational January 15-16. During this fun-filled weekend the community can enjoy the Car-Tiki Car Show, a tour of the Hall of Flame, a banquet, silent auction and entertainment. So get tuned up and we’ll see you at the Embassy Suites at I-17 and Greenway. For more info and registration visit www.AZgayCar.com

Southwest Leather Conference If you live the Leather Lifestyle or an enthusiast, join in the camaraderie of this unique event with over people from all world for the eighth year January 22-24. This conference merges leather, spirit and more. Exciting new elements are being added to celebrate this year’s conference. For more info and online registration visit www.SouthwestLeather.org

Sacha and the Bivas Join the sexy, sultry Sacha Sinclair as she plays hostess for a unique drag show featuring BS West’s Mike Fornelli, Kobalt’s Bryon Wiley, Lee from Apollo’s and Mike Jacobs from The Rock as they shoehorn their way into a gown and learn how to walk in heels. It all benefits the Gay Pride Foundation. The magic happens at Apollo’s. 5749 N. 7th St. Phoenix. Apollos.com Phone: 602-277-9373 22

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Desperado Film Festival Just like Norma Desmond said, “Just us, those cameras, and all of those wonderful people out there in the dark.” Come to this fabulous GLBT film festival to enjoy four feature length films and a host of short subjects with special guest speakers. Proceeds to benefit Paradise Valley Community College P.R.I.D.E. Club. 34th St. and Cactus. www.DesperadoFilmFestival.com Box Office: 602-787-7738

Miss and Mister PHX Gay Pride It’s the Miss and Mister Phoenix Gay Pride Pageant! Who’ll win? A bevy of beauties - nine, to be exact - and three “dudes” vie for the coveted title. The event’s extra special guest star, the amazing Nina Flowers from the first season RuPaul’s Drag Race, will be on hand to wow the audience with her amazing talent. And it all takes place at the luxurious Wyndham Downtown Phoenix. 50 E. Adams St. www. PhoenixPride.org. Phone: 602-277-7433

januaRy 2010 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE EVENT & LOCATION CITY Check out bar and nightclub ads in this issue for daily & weekly specials! 8 FindFred.com at Forbidden Scottsdale 10 That Time of the Month at Apollo’s Phoenix 14-16 Lamda Car Club Int’l. Phoenix 15 Pajama Party at Babylon Phoenix 15-16 2010 VIP Card Party at Dick’s & Dick’s II Phoenix 15-16 Forbidden 2nd Anniversary Party Scottsdale 16 Gay Mafia Party at BS West Scottsdale 16 Kathy Griffin - Dodge Theatre Phoenix 16 icepics 2nd Anniversary Blowout Phoenix 17 Sasha & the Bivas - Apollo’s Phoenix 17 MLK Day Party - Karamba Phoenix 22-24 SW Leather Conference Phoenix 23 manads.com Launch Party - Pumphouse Phoenix 23 VIP Appreciation Party at Babylon Phoenix 24 Drag King Fundraiser - Apollo’s Phoenix 29 Fetish Bash at Babylon Phoenix 29-30 Desperado Film Festival - PVCC Phoenix 31 Miss Gay Arizona USofA - Wyndham Hotel Phoenix February 6-3/28 Renaissance Festival Begins 6 Miss & Mister Phoenix Gay Pride Phoenix 7 Superbowl Parties at bars everywhere! January 2010 www.IONAZ.com 23

Silent Saturday They didn’t need voices then. They had faces. Experience the real magic of silent movies the way they were meant to be seen: with an audience, in a glamorous theatre, on a big screen. And with one, big, honkin’ Wurlitzer pipe organ pulling all the stops out. See the hilarious Everyman Harold Lloyd in Safety Last at the Orpheum Theatre on Saturday, January 9 at 7 p.m. 203 W. Adams St. Visit www.SilentSundays.info to find out more.

Phoenix Fear Film Festival If you like getting scared shitless, then hightail it over to the MADCAP Theaters for the 3rd Annual Phoenix Fear Film Festival on Saturday, January 23. See teenage slasher flicks, tales of supernatural terror, psychological horror and, of course, lots of bloody gore. Yikes! 730 S. Mill Ave. For tix & details visit www.phxfearfilmfestival.com

Barrett-Jackson Classic Car Auction Looking for Hitler’s 1936 Duesenberg? An Isotta-Fraschini convertible? A ’65 Mustang? A Yugo? You can find ‘em here – well, maybe not the Yugo – at the world famous Barrett-Jackson Classic Car Auction at WestWorld in fancy Scottsdale January 18-24. Great for celebrity watching, too! 16601 N. Pima Rd. Phone: 480-663-6255

January 2010 ION around town listings DATE

2 3-7 7-10 8-10 9 thru 10 14-24 14 15-17 15-17 16 16 16 18-24 23 24-25 30 24

ARTIST / EVENT LOCATION

Fiesta Bowl Parade Central Phoenix Arizona Bach Festival Phoenix Arizona National Horse Show - Westworld Scottsdale Arizona Home & Garden Show Phx Convention Center Silent Saturday - Orpheum Theatre Phoenix Zoo Lights at Phx Zoo Phoenix World Music Festival Valleywie Annual Rockin’ ArtWalk - various galleries Scottsdale Maricopa Cty Home & Garden Show - State Fairgrounds Phoenix Carefree Art & Wine Fest downtown Carefree Glendale Glitter & Snow downtown Glendale Multicultural Festival Chandler Public Library P.F. Chang’s Rock ‘n’ Roll Marathon Valleywide Barrett-Jackson Auto Auction - WestWorld Scottsdale Phoenix Fear Film Festival - MadCap Theatres Tempe Antique Market - AZ State Fairgrounds Phoenix Walk ‘n’ Roll Dog Walk - Town Lake Tempe

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Riverdance Who doesn’t love Riverdance? Who? This show-stopping troupe of Irish step dancing was a worldwide phenomenon back in the mid-1990s. Ladies – and more than a few men – swooned over the golden tressed Sir Michael Flatley: the (former) Lord of the Dance. Still, they can dance a pretty good jig. Come see them shake it at the Orpheum Theatre on January 26-31. Visit www.ticketmaster.com for tickets or call 602-534-5600 for more information.

Heart “Ooooooh Barracuda!” The legendary sister and lesbian magnets Heart will be making their way through Arizona on January 31, and they are ready to get “Crazy, Crazy On You”! Just try to understand, try to understand, they are a magic band. Head on over to watch the magic happen at Desert Diamond Casino. 1100 W. Pima Mine Rd., Sahuarita. For tix call 520-294-7777.

New Found Glory Watch these pop-punk veterans take the stage with Saves The Day, Hellogoodbye, and Fireworks on January 31. This 10 year anniversary show will be a pop-punk explosion, and it’s all going down at the Marquee Theatre. 730 N. Mill Ave.,Tempe. Get tix at 480-829-0707 or visit luckymanonline.com

January 2010 ION Concert Calendar DATE

ARTIST / EVENT LOCATION

2 Patti LuPone Phoenix Symphony Hall 5 Sonic Youth Marquee Theatre 17 Johnny Mathis Phoenix Symphony Hall 23 Slayer & MegaDeth Dodge Theatre 26 The Bled & Strike Anywhere The Clubhouse 26-31 Riverdance Orpheum Theatre 29 CaliZona West Coast Tour Celebrity Theatre 30 Herb Alpert & Lani Hall Scottsdale Center for the Arts 30 AFI Marquee Theatre 31 New Found Glory Marquee Theatre 31 Heart Desert Diamond Casino February 5 George Strait & Reba 13 Charo

US Airways Center Chandler Center for the Arts January 2010

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by Jackson David Kelly davekjackson@cox.net

Yo, DJ! What’s New? Happy New Year! As usual, January is slow for music, but there are a few albums to find. In addition to these, check out material from Omarion, Vampire Weekend, Three 6 Mafia, Ashley Brown (the new Disney/Broadway superstar) as well as a career spawning 3CD set from Enigma (remixes and 11 unreleased tracks). Until Sade’s new release in February (her first since 2000), continue finding solace in your bests from 2009!

Allison Iraheta Bust Like You

Plain and simple –– this is the best packaged album to come from American Idol in years. Part Pink, part Avril, part Etheridge with a hint of Gwen, Allison proves why she should’ve been in the top two. On lead single “Friday I’ll Be Over You,” Allison gives us a radio perfect tune that’s current and fun, much in the vein of Clarkson’s “Since You’ve Been Gone.” Other tracks of note include the rock jamming “Holiday” as well as the mid-tempo gems “No One Else” and “Just Like You.” And then there’s the eerie “Scars” where she flexes her talent as well as channels the sound of Pink. Overall, this is an album of greatness.

Ke$ha Animal

She was introduced on Flo Rida’s “Right Round” and now she’s huge with her smash “Tik Tok.” Her debut, described as “fun, unapologetic, rowdy, quirky humorous electro pop magic,” looks to continue her wave of success with her infamous unusual speak singing.

Second single “Blah Blah” with 3OH!3 fits perfectly with its Atari pong-like soundtrack while “Stephen” provides the only ballad and speaks of her obsession with a boy. And then there’s the clever and cheer-like song of “Dinosaur” where she complains of trolls. Other tracks of note include “Animal,” “Backstabber” and “V.I.P.” By and large, this is definitely as fun as it gets.

Katherine McPhee Unbroken

After coming in second on American Idol in 2005 and securing a contract with RCA, she now finds a better home with Verve. Her sophomore release is very stripped down with hints of Paula Cole and has moments of brilliance in a softer side of Katherine. Lead single “It’s Not Right” is a beautiful mid-tempo ballad with a refreshing and haunting piano riff while “How” and it’s “They Say” drop in give great support. The only slight drawback is the album’s dependence on ballads like the ghostly yet stunning “Say Goodbye.” But when offset with the tracks mentioned as well as “Keep Drivin’,” Miss McPhee has great reason to celebrate.

TOP SINGLES of 2009 #1 – Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” #2 – Imogen Heap’s “First Train Home” #3 – Madonna’s “Celebration” (Benassi remix) #4 – Matt Alber’s “End of the World” #5 – Kelly Rowland’s “When Love Takes Over” #6 – Pink’s “Please Don’t Leave Me” #7 – Muse’s “Uprising” #8 – Snow Patrol’s “Just Say Yes” #9 – Chicane’s “Poppiholla” #10 – The Noisette’s “Never Forget You” January 2010

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Miss & Mister Gay Pride 2010 An It’s

the Miss and Mister Phoenix Gay Pride Pageant! Who’ll win? A bevy of beauties - nine, to be exact - and three “dudes” vie for the coveted title. The event’s extra special guest star, the amazing Nina Flowers from the first season RuPaul’s Drag Race, will be on hand to wow the audience with her amazing talent. And it all takes place at the luxurious Wyndham Downtown Phoenix. 50 E. Adams St. www.PhoenixPride.org. Phone: 602-277-7433

JANUARY 2010 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE

TIME LOCATION

Second & Fourth Wed. Tuesdays 10:30p Wednesdays 10:00p Wednesdays 10:30p Thursdays 10:30p Thursdays 9:30p Thursdays 10:30p Last Friday 10:00p Fridays 9:30p 3rd Thurs. 8:00p Saturdays 10:00p Saturdays 10:00p Saturdays 10:00p Saturdays 9:30p Saturdays 10:30p Sundays 8:30p Sundays 10:30p Sunday 8:00p Sunday 10th 8:00p Sunday 17th 8:00p Sunday 24th 8:00p Sunday 31st 8:00p Sunday 31st 6:00p

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Pumphouse II What a Drag... Pun Intended hosted by Savannah Karamba Susana’s Show Charlie’s Claudia B. & Company Karamba Diamond Dallas Hosts... Pumphouse II Hot Bodz Male Revue w/ Savannah Amsterdam Icons Live w/ Kiki Vermont Karamba Susana’s Show Cherry Lounge Scandalous w/ Scandalesque BS West Elements Forbidden Ruby ‘n’ Friends The Rock Diamond Dolls with Mya McKenzie icepics The Follies Comedy Drag Show Forbidden The Barbra Seville Show Charlie’s Pussy’s Patio Show Pumphouse II Hot Bodz Male Revue w/ Savannah Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot & Friends Karamba Galilea’s Show Apollo’s TTotMonth show with Afeelya Bunz Apollo’s TTotM Show- With T.C. Taylor & Dottie Pepper Apollo’s Sasha Sinclair with bar owners as drag queens Apollo’s Drag King fundraiser Apollo’s That Time of the Month show with Barbra Seville The Wyndham Grand Ballroom Miss Gay AZ USofA Pageant

To add your drag event, e-mail dates, times, locations & pics to kbushaw@me.com Included events must be 1) Charity Benefit OR 2) Located at an ION Arizona Advertiser

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WELCOME! We would like to welcome the following businesses to the ION Family!

• • • • • •

Discount Cab US Bank Skye Dinner Theatre Renaissance Festival Tangible Tanning Who’s Next Barber Shop

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Charo

Cuchi Cuchi!

by Deon Brown

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er passport says that she’s María Rosario Pilar Martínez Molina Moquiere de les Esperades Santa Ana Romanguera y de la Najosa Rasten. But we know her as the exotic and outrageous Charo, known for her zany talk show antics and her vivacious Las Vegas performances. She sat down to chat with ION about her new show, how she started in show business, television, and more. Charo is charming, warm, crazy, and tremendously funny. She’s also devoted to making music – she’s been voted The Best Flamenco Guitarist in America – twice. You may not know that she is also the Vice President of the National Muscular Dystrophy Association, fluent in Spanish, English, French, Italian and Japanese as well as a loving wife and mother. Charo is exactly like you would imagine. We’ve tried to capture Charo’s unique conversational style here. The only things missing are the rolling r’s and soft, Castilian lisp of her native Spain. Feel free to insert your own “cuchi, cuchis.” ¡Arriba! Charo: !Hola! ¿Como estas? ION: ¡Muy bien, gracias! ¿Y usted? I’m recording our conversation ... Charo: ¡No problema! What conversation you wanna hear? In English, in Spanish or in Spanglish? ION: We better do it in English. That’s about the extent of my Spanish! We’re very excited to speak with you! We’ve watched you on TV for so many years; we feel like we know you. Charo: I am so glad to talk to you! That is exactly how I feel, too! I feel like

I know you, too! Do you know your DNA? Your grandparents, what country they come from? From Spain or South America? ION: No, England. Germany. I’m a Gringo. Charo: Okay! You are muy Gringo! ¡Mucho gusto! Okay, now listen, I am now recording a CD for England. And to my surprise, they understand my English excellent! They got a lot of fun with my English and they’re a beautiful audience. They love flamenco music! You’ve got to see my show! You got to see it! It is all Latin! The audience want what I do the best. And what I can do the best is from when I was listening from my mother when she is breastfeeding me ... Flamenco, beautiful, beautiful music, that I love also. I studied under Andres Segovia. So, I figured it out: if the audience remember the “cuchi cuchi” boolsheet, that it’s okay, because the “cuchi cuchi” show me the way to the bank. Here’s the situation. They remember that. I never think about yesterday. I think about today and tomorrow. And this resonates with the audience. Because that’s what I am: I am a musician at heart. I am ever down or depressed, I don’t do drugs; I pick up my guitar and make music. Make music, play Flamenco that is in my DNA. Then, I am no more ‘deprimado,’ I am, ‘Cuchi! Cuchi!’ ION: If you weren’t Charo, what do you think you’d be doing? Charo: That’s a good question! Thank you for asking. (Pauses thoughtfully) I would be, definitely, a doctor. No doubt about it. A doctor. Medicine is one of my secret passions. And I would be a January 2010

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very compassionate doctor because I love people. I’m not a doctor because we did not have the money. My family, they pay for my education. In Spain, if you are rich, even if you are a stupid person, somehow you graduate. If you are poor, but brilliant, you go nowhere, because you will not get an education. So what was next? My other passion, music, I audition and that is why I get to study with Andres Segovia. I do not take one peseta. I do my best. Years later when I come to America, to the casino, I want to play Flamenco. The

producer, he say, “No Flamingo!” I say, “No! No! Flamenco!” He think I mean the bird! Then, I learn, “Cuchi, Cuchi is in. The guitar is gonna wait.” And I did wait. For a long time. I would like to introduce this beautiful new show of Latin music to my American audience, believe me, will enjoy to the maximum, and will talk after and will not forget. Because I wanted to use my experience of year after year after year of performing. ION: You were on The Love Boat a record breaking eight times as April Lopez! What TV show would you like to guest star on today? Charo: We are now due for a good sitcom! The reality programs continually ask me more than you can imagine because of my record with VH1 and The Surreal Life they approach me with a reality show. But the reality show right now are tacky and stupid. But I think it’s time that the networks bring a beautiful, beautiful a show for the whole family to enjoy, to really laugh, with a good writer, and not in a disgusting, or offensive way. I want one that will not embarrass my son, who is beautiful, to watch and be proud of me all my life. ION: You were the Celebrity Grand

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Marshall for San Francisco Gay Pride. You also starred in an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Your Gay fans love you! Can you comment on that? Charo: Well, let me tell you: the great ‘Hollywood,’ the town we are in right now, I can tell you, Hollywood would not be Hollywood without the talent and the emotion and the extra care of the Gays. They are beautiful. America has to grow up. It is the best country in the world – and believe me, I travel, but when I come back to America, and since I was young, young, young, I love this country. When are you going to grow up? Discrimination is out of my vocabulary. When America grows up and clean up her act, it will be a privilege to live here! It is getting better! But I am a great fan – a great fan – of these fabulous, beautiful people. Why do they even have to have this title? In America they call them Gay, but I no see them as a Gay, but as a person. I don’t know how to explain it any better. Why even have the title, ‘Gay,’ I don’t understand. ION: You are an outspoken opponent of bullfighting and a member of PETA. Tell us more.

Charo: Oh, yes! But the story here is when I came back to show my boy Spain and the bullfight, it came to me like a flashback, ‘These people are barbaric!’ Right? They are sitting and applauding, they torture – for 55 minutes – this beautiful animal. I cannot believe it. These are not the Roman or Greek times! I apologize to my son, yes, I’m Spanish by birth but this is embarrassing. I have been all my life fighting against the bullfight and I am glad that PETA agrees with me. That is why I did a video against the bullfight. It’s very clever; it is a story about a little baby bull named Manolo, He is scared because he is dreaming that when he grows up he’s gonna get killed like his father and grandfather. So he escape to Hollywood where to his surprise he sees that there is a new generation who are not killing bulls anymore. Right now, I am not kidding we are about 75 or 80% of everybody, including Italy, against bullfighting. So I do something good! The bulls will never know! Manolo live with me here in Beverly Hills. Nobody knows, except the neighbors! He thinks he is human and I am the mother! He lives now at a ranch and he is so happy! He is so cute! He’s got big eyes, small nose – he looks like a me a little bit! (Laughs)

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ION: Tell us a secret about Charo. Charo: You know, people ask me all the time, “When are you going to write a book?” and I say, “Why? Everybody already know!” I never fool around with people. I never had the time; I was too busy. Not because I am some kind of saint. I never have any kind of scandal, I’ve never been arrested, I never take drugs. It is gonna be the most boring book in the history of writing and put everybody to sleep on the second page! But am a chocolate addict! I will work for chocolate! And people can see it! Over Christmas and Thanksgiving I eat boxes and boxes! I look like a chocolate in high heels!There is no

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good gossip. The National Enquirer and everybody, they like me and there’s nothing they can write. Actually my life has been dedicated to my family and my career. There was no time for me to be fooling around. ION: What’s more important: Money, Love, Food, or Cuchi Cuchi? Charo: What a question! That’s an excellent question! That is very ambitious! To me, everything is important! Love is number one. Money is second ... Food and ... Cuchi Cuchi! You can see the fabulous Spanish Bombshell performing live on Saturday, February 13 at 7:30 p.m. at the Hale Center for the Performing Arts at 4132 E. Pecos Rd. in Gilbert.

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VIP SAVINGS RESTAURANTS / BARS / EVENTS

FORBIDDEN $5 Forbidden Martini ANYTIME! BAR 1 Select Half Price Drinks on Sunday ION ARIZONA MAGAZINE $10 OFF Splash Bash cover INCOGNITO 2 for the price of 1 all drinks Z PIZZA 10% OFF SERVICES BOXER’S MEN’S SALON FREE haircut by Adrian only (First time customers only) 20% OFF all services with Adrian FAST SIGNS ON CENTRAL 20% OFF (in-store products) LOS OLIVOS HAND CAR WASH $2 OFF any car wash 15% OFF complete detail OPEN WIDE DENTAL $50 OFF new clients SEMONE ROCHLIN, D.O. $500 OFF ALL Surgical Procedures RETAIL DRAGONFLY BOUTIQUE 10% OFF GREEN WOODPECKER 10% OFF Flowers (excludes tax and delivery charges) 10% OFF Merchandise non-sale (excluding food, drinks and cards) ROOT SELLER 15% OFF Merchandise (excludes books, music, DVDs, supplements & consignment art) UNIQUE URBAN BOUTIQUE 10% OFF Merchandise (excludes books, music, DVDs) HOTELS BLUE MOON RESORT - VEGAS Buy two nights get 3 nights CLARENDON HOTEL 10% any room type booking DOUBLETREE HOTEL - TUCSON 10% any room type booking Must book directly with the hotel. Certain black-out dates and some restrictions may apply. Offer based upon availability. ADULT* ADULT SHOPPE 20% OFF Merchandise FASCINATIONS 15% OFF merchandise DICK’S CABARET $5 OFF admission (mon-thurs) $5 OFF wristband (mon-sat) SECRETS 20% OFF Merchandise* *Must be 18 or older. Excludes rentals. In-store purchases only

MORE TO COME!!!

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Some restrictions apply. See store for details. Not valid with any other offer or sale items.

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August: Osage County C’mon down and meet the Westons! This dysfunctional family includes an absent father, a drug-addled mother, a marriage unraveling and a family approaching total meltdown. This Tony Award and Pulitzer Prize-winning play is the kind of scathingly funny play you’ll be talking about for months. Catch it as ASU Gammage from January 5-10. 1200 S. Forest Ave. in Tempe. For tix go to www.ASUGammage. com or call 480-965-3434

Jason Alexander as Donny Clay Imagine motivational speakers Tony Robbins, Deepak Chopra and Dr. Phil all rolled into one, single, chubby little ball of fire and you’ve got Seinfeld’s Jason Alexander as Donny Clay. Be part of the hilarious tool of enlightenment and change. Where is it? At the Celebrity Theatre, of course! 440 N. 32nd St. Phone: 602-267-1600

Kathy Griffin Eternal D-Lister and fag hag funny girl comes to the Dodge Theatre to spill the beans about everybody who’s a train wreck in Hollywood or destined to crash and burn. Catch this carrot topped chatterbox and the Dodge Theatre at 400 W. Washington St. in Phoenix. For tickets call 602-379-2888 or visit www.LiveNation.com

January 2010 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE EVENT LOCATION

5-10 5 7 7-23 8-2/21 9 10 14-17 14-24 16 thru 17 22-24 22-2/7 22-2/13 23-2/13 28-30 29-2/7

August: Osage County ASU Gammage Madea’s Big Happy Family Dodge Theatre Unsinkable Molly Brown B’way Palm Dinner Theatre Julius Caeser Mesa Arts Ctr. Gypsy AZ Broadway Theatre Jason Alexander as Donny Clay Celebrity Theatre Gershwin by Ira Chandler Ctr. for the Arts Norm MacDonald Tempe Improv Fathers & Other Strangers Kathy Griffin Dodge Theatre Ain’t Misbehavin’ Herberger Theater Mike Epps Tempe Improv Shipwrecked! Herberger Theater Fuddy Meers Phoenix Theatre [title of show] Herberger Theater Mike Birbiglia Tempe Improv 25th Putnam Cty. Spelling Bee

PHONE

480-965-3434 602-379-2888 480-325-6700 480-641-7039 623-8400 602-994-ARTS 480-782-2680 480-921-9877 602-258-6128 602-379-2888 602-265-6995 480-921-9877 602-265-6995 602-274-2432 602-622-2823 480-921-9877 480-965-6447

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ARIZONA GAY VOLLEYBALL

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by Kimberly M. Ruff kimberlymruff@yahoo.com

Movie Previews Leap Year

Starring: Amy Adams, Matthew Goode, Adam Scott Loosely based on the Bollywood film, Jab We Met (2007), Leap Year is the story of Anna (Adams, Sunshine Cleaning, Enchanted), who travels to Ireland to propose to her boyfriend, Jeremy (Scott, Stepbrothers, The Aviator), on February 29th. According to an Irish tradition, if a woman proposes to a man on leap day, the man is obligated to accept. Sounds like a sure thing, except …a storm threatens to derail Anna’s plans, until she enlists the help of a surly innkeeper (Goode, Match Point). Will she get to her boyfriend in time to pop the question? Or will the events leading up to the critical moment make her rethink her plan? After looking at the pictures of the two male leads for a considerable amount of time, I’m going to bet on her ultimately pairing with Goode’s character, as he is far more amiable looking than Scott. Sorry, fella. Release Date: January 8, 2010

Youth in Revolt

Starring: Michael Cera, Portia Doubleday, Ray Liotta, Steve Buscemi Based on the 1993 novel by C. D. Payne, Youth in Revolt tells the angst-ridden story of hyper-intelligent and woefully under-sexed Nick Twisp (Cera, Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, Superbad) who meets Sheeni (Doubleday, 18), when his mother and stepfather decide to go on vacation to a religious Mobile Home Park in order to dodge embittered, swindled sailors. While Nick is certainly awkwardly smitten with Sheeni (Cera’s trademark character trait), he opts to woo her by breaking the law, and has to adopt alter egos in the form of the French François and the female Carlotta to avoid the fuzz. Like the novel, which is told through a series of mixed documents like journal entries, letters, and other correspondence, the film is a cinematic collage – images of a tumultuous, confused, frightening and equally thrilling life glued, taped, and stapled together. If you enjoy the pop cultural smorgasbord that typifies modern cinema, you’ll dig Youth in Revolt. Release Date: January 8, 2010. Comments? Reach the writer at kimberlymruff@ yahoo.com

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by Wes Bergman wesobergman@yahoo.com

DVD Movie Review Kathy Griffin: She’ll Cut a Bitch

Be Mine

I’m going to reveal something shocking to you, my beloved readers: I’ve never been acquainted with Kathy Griffin until watching this stand-up special. Sure, I’ve seen a few episodes of Suddenly Susan, and I remember the gravelly voiced redhead making an appearance hither and thither, but never watched My Life on the D-List, and never saw her do stand-up. Thanks to the best job in the world that gives me carte blanche to be a snarky queen about free screeners, I finally became acquainted with Ms. Griffin and I must say – I like her, a lot! Her hour-long special is, based on my limited understanding of her comedic style, much of the same – anecdotes from her various Hollywood activities, including her experiences at the Emmys, finally meeting her idol, Cher, and living with her aging mother. Her candor, warmth, and wit makes her a great stand-up comedienne. While she frequently admits her style of humor has rubbed celebrities the wrong way, there is absolutely no malice in her teasing; if anything, Griffin’s observations are on the absurdity of Hollywood and she acknowledges her own contribution to the mix. In addition to her hour long special, Griffin is currently on tour and slated to appear at the Dodge Theater on Saturday, January 16th. Get tickets while you still can!

Recently released by Ariztical Entertainment, Be Mine, is the charming tale of how a chance encounter and a conspiring group of well-meaning friends are able to help facilitate a budding romance even in the face of virginity and crippling shyness. Romantic dreamer, Mayson (Selon), has been holding out for the right guy, hoping and praying that the first kiss is as electric as it’s claimed to be. When the handsome Reiley (Welch) buys the last chocolate scone at Mayson’s favorite coffee shop, he wonders if there’s any decency left, until he runs into Reiley again at his friend Eric’s Valentine’s Day Party. Will he be able to overcome the shyness that has precluded him from making an honest connection, or will he once again begrudgingly opt for solitude? It’s a lowbudget film, but if you’re able to get past some of the technical pitfalls that accompany a limited budget, you’ll appreciate the storyline that is as old as yours truly. Kendra Thomas, Chris Greene, and Becky Johnston co-star. (Side note for you reality TV whores: you may remember Johnston as “Buckwild” from VH1’s Flava of Love and I Love Money 2.)

Starring: Kathy Griffin

Starring: Dan Selon, Kendra Thomas, Jared Welch, Becky Johnston, Chris Greene

Questions? Comments? Reach the writer at wesobergman@ yahoo.com

NEW LOCATIONS! You can now pick up ION Arizona at these great locations:

• UPS Store (7th St./McDowell) • Central Ave. and Encanto • Nu Towne Saloon • Babylon Showclub • Starbucks (Park Central) • Fascinations (North Scottsdale) • Fascinations (South Scottsdale)

You can also download this and past issues at www.IONAZ.com 50

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SKYE Dinner and a Show Long before Muriel’s Wedding, The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert and Mamma Mia! ever existed, the music of Anni-Frid Lyngstad, Björn Ulvaeus, Benn Andersson, Agnetha Fältskog from Sweden topped the charts between 1972 and 1982. We all know them as ABBA. Though they broke up long ago, their catchy music with it’s soaring melodies still sells between two to four million albums a year. If you miss ABBA and wish you could their music performed live, now’s your chance! Anne Davies and Chelsea Faulds sing, while an eight piece band led by Terry Davies back them up. Together, they form the tribute band, ABBA Fab, hailing from Liverpool, originally,and will perform on February 4 & 5 at 8 p.m. at Skye Supper Club. ABBA Fab belts out the best of the best from those fabled Swedes of long ago in a lush supper club setting, reminiscent of yesteryear. ABBA Fab performs with a multi-media production chronicling the meteoric fame of the quartet. Clocking in at around an hour or so, the time flies. And if you love ABBA, you’ll be in good company.

You’ll be offered a delicious menu while you sit back and enjoy the show in the spacious, beautifully appointed club. Note that most seating is “community style” – meaning you’ll be a a trestle table with several other parties. Intimate banquettes seating approximately six are available, too. Award-winning Chef Scott Tompkins created the inspired menu for Skye. Consider starting out with the Atlantic Calamari, breaded in parmesan breadcrumbs and deep fried, and served with roasted tomato and sweet ‘n’ sour sauce. Seven other choices, including oysters – either on the half-shell, or served Rockefeller – are available. Most are around $10. A variety of salads and two soups – including a luscious bowl of Lobster Bisque – are available. Make it a special occasion and try their ten gourmet entrées. Five are beef, one chicken, two seafood, a rack of lamb and one pasta make it a difficult choice. Prices range from $16$34 here. An excellent option is the Pre Fixe Three Course Dinner, for $46.95 per person. The Chicken Marsala with spinach fettucini and daily vegetables is a smash, January 2010

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featuring a large, very moist breast of chicken classically prepared. You can’t go wrong with the Petite Filet - a succulent seven-ounce filet mignon with whipped potatoes and daily vegetables. Dessert gives you the option of Crème Brulée or a cake they call Chocolate Decadence. They’re not kidding. The venue also includes Raymond’s Martini Bar, with live entertainment. You can always schedule a private event at Skye and create a custom menu with Chef Tomkins, too. Can you hear the drums, Fernando? Head over to Skye for the ABBA Fab show and you will. Sun-Thurs 3-1 a.m. Fri-Sat 3-2 a.m. Happy Hour 3-6 p.m. daily Restaurant Hours Dinner 5-10 p.m. Open ‘til 11 p.m. Fri & Sat. Lunch: Mon-Sat 11 a.m.- 2 p.m. Skye Fine Dining and Live Entertainment 16844 N. Arrowhead Fountain Center Peoria, Arizona 623-334-0010 www.skye-restaurant.com

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Ion holiday party

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Desperado Film Festival “You know what your problem is? It’s that you haven’t seen enough movies. All of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.” According to Steve Martin, that is. He ought to know. He’s in movies. The first annual Desperado Film Festival promises a wide variety of GLBT themed movies that just might answer some of Life’s riddles. Other films just might pose a few riddles, too. But if you like movies with a Queer focus – or if you just love movies – you won’t want to miss it. Alan East, Chair of the festival told ION, “Desperado is planning two days full of films and fun. We’re combining great films, special guests, and lots of student and staff support to build the festival into an annual event. One surprise is that the short film A Belch Can Ruin A Wedding is a festival premier and was made right here in our city by the Phoenix Metropolitan Philharmonic Ensemble.”

The Desperado Film Festival marks an important milestone within our community, and in academia. East elaborated, “Celebrating GLBT films on the Paradise Valley Community College campus recognizes the achievements of filmmakers, allows for a strong sense of inclusiveness for gay students and displays sincere Community College outreach for the metro Phoenix GLBT population. Also, the festival will provide a wonderful opportunity for the PRIDE student club and Student Life to be involved in campus life in a more active way.” Four special guest speakers will be speak in a Q&A Forum after the feature films. Proceeds from this event, the campus club, P.R.I.D.E. (People Respecting Individuality, Diversity and Equality), will establish the PVCC Rainbows

GLBT films are growing in importance. East explained why. “Film as an art form enlightens and provokes thought. It engages people, stimulates conversation and challenges people to see the world in new ways. A GLBT film festival has the capacity to broaden minds, strengthen tolerance and breaks down stereotypes in a comfortable environment for the masses.” January 2010

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Big Gay Musical

Scholarship. Providing access to education is critical to the success of the college’s youth. Paradise Valley Community College excels in leadership building, educational support, and career opportunities. Opening these possibilities for Phoenix LGBT youth is their goal. Giving an opportunity to gay and lesbian students to view films that reflect their culture as well as be part of the process of creating an exciting event like this will empower and strengthen their character. This is a great leadership opportunity for the GLBT students of Paradise Valley Community College’s P.R.I.D.E. organization. All films will be screened in the fully equipped, state-of-the-art Center for the Performing Arts at Paradise Valley Community College at 34th Street and Union Hills at the east end of campus.

DESPERADO FILM FESTIVAL TICKETS & INFO Box Office: 602-787-7738 For more information visit DesperadoFilmFestival.com 62

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Embrem Entertainment 2009 Saturday, Jan. 30, 8 p.m. Paul & Eddie have just begun previews for the new Off-Broadway musical. Their lives strangely mirror the characters they are playing; can sexuality & faith mix?

Hannah Free

Ripe Fruit Films 2009 Saturday, Jan. 30, 5 p.m. Hannah and Rachel grew up in the same small town, where traditional gender expectations eventually challenge their deep love for one another, yet they maintain their love affair.

AMANCIO…Two Faces on a Tombstone

Downtown Loft Studios 2009 Saturday, Jan. 30th 2:30 p.m. Amancio Corrales immigrated from Mexico to Arizona. Gay and Hispanic, he dreamed of one day being a performer in Las Vegas, but his life was tragically cut short .

Patrik 1,5

Here Films 2008 Friday, Jan. 29th 7 p.m. Göran and Sven adopt a Swedish orphan, Patrik 1,5 but he’s not the little boy they were expecting and in comes a 15-year-old homophobe with a criminal past.

Short Films:

Saturday, January 30th 12 noon A Belch Can Ruin A Wedding - 2009 Director David M Ice / Festival World Premier Little Mel and Studly Doright meet and “tie the knot” in the state’s first gay marriage. But will the dastardly Rev. Fred Belch foil the happy couple’s plans? Will true love win out? 25 Random Things I Did During My Big Fat Lesbian Depression - 2009 A comedic look at one lesbian’s journey of recovery from an unreal break up using the framework of social media to poke fun at some of the crazy, yet personal things we do in life.

Temperatures rise and pants fall when Millie and her gay dad negotiate their complicated family dynamics. Buttery Top - Cotton Lover Films 2009 A jug of wine, a loaf of bread - but wait - what kind of bread? A comedy about a first date with extra baggage. Dancing to Happiness - 2009 Anna and Helen, two women living in different worlds and normally would never meet, until they enroll in the same salsa course. A Lesbian fairytale depicting the possibility of overcoming social borders. Make A Mate - 2009 What matters most to you when picking a partner? Does it matter what gender your partner is as long as they are a great human being? Wouldn’t it be nice if we had some control? Sombrero - 2009 James and Raymond are two men looking for a connection in life. They meet for a blind date in a Mexican restaurant. But as they learn about each other, their rocky date takes an unexpected turn toward the absurd.

Daddy’s Big Girl - 2008 Millie, a plus-size girl has some major minuses in the personality department. January 2010

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Ad Compliments of

0 1 20

January 29th and 30th, 2010 Paradise Valley Community College’s Center for the Performing Arts 32nd Street and Union Hills Phoenix, AZ Q&A’s, special guests, and one world premier from right here in Phoenix! Box Office: 602.787.7738 Features include Amancio Hannah Free(with Sharon Gless) The Big Gay Musical Patrik 1,5 and a short film series Check out our website for film schedule, descriptions, and more.

www.IONAZ.com January 2010

www.desperadoﬁlmfestival.com

The Miss Gay Arizona 2010 USofA Pageant Sets the Stage for Local Beauties

here’s nothing we like more than a contest. Throw in some sequins, a few feathers, false eyelashes, red lipstick, lots and lots of rhinestones, and some of the best talent in female illusion from across the country, and you’ve got yourself the Reina del Sol Pageant – for contestants over the age of 40 – and the stellar Miss Gay Arizona USofA Pageant. The theme of this year’s pageant is “Egyptian Beauty ... Ascension to the Throne.” Maybe it’s Maybelline, but a lot more goes into competing in a pageant than you might think. For the talented drag queens who compete and qualify for this glamorous pageant, the big,

Miss Gay Arizona USofA 2009 Mya McKenzie

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juicy crown and the prestige awaiting them are worth the hard work. If they win, the winner and first alternate of both pageants will go on to represent Arizona at the National Pageant in Dallas, Texas in May. The winners of the National Pageants will reign over the entire USofA system for a year, traveling all over the country performing, promoting the USofA system, and overseeing all of the preliminary pageants for next years’ contest. That adds up to a lot of “man hours” in high heels for these gals. Behind the scenes, copromoters Mike Fornelli and Corey Ham work to guarantee a professionally produced spectacular that has won awards as Preliminary of the Year for the past two years. Not bad for a pageant franchise that’s existed for just three years. Fornelli explained what this pageant means. “The winner is expected to represent Arizona at the National level to the best of her ability. She will also be expected to attend, promote and oversee all USofA events held here in Arizona. Giving back to the community is so very important, so she will also hold fundraisers over the course of her reign, and help groom new girls in preparation of next years’ pageant season.” Miss Mya McKenzie, the reigning Miss Gay Arizona USofA described her experience, saying, “It was amazing! It also showed me how important the First Alternate position is.” McKenzie received the title when the winner withdrew for health reasons. She also encourages the contestants. “Always strive

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to be the best and never say, ‘I can’t,’ because the next Miss Gay Arizona USofA could be the next Miss Gay USofA.” ION asked Fornelli how pageants impact the GLBT community. “These pageants are important because they helped put Arizona on the map in the pageant world. This recognition brings big name out-ofstate talent to the Valley, as well as allowing our Arizona talent to be invited to perform and represent Arizona in other parts of the country. This benefits the gay community everywhere entertainment-wise, fundraising-wise, and by having symbols of excellence that give them a voice all over the country,” he said. This year’s audience can expect some amazing talent and breathtaking beauty and grace in the art of female illusion, Fornelli guarantees. “In the words of Tina Turner,” he said, “It’s simply the best.” Tajma Hall, Miss Gay USofA at Large 2009 and Lucinda Holiday, Miss Gay AZ USofA at Large 2008 will act as the pageant’s Mistresses of Ceremonies. After the contestants spectacular performances, the interviews, costuming, and a lot of hard work, there’s only one Miss Gay Arizona USofA. We asked Mike Fornelli what his favorite part of the pageant is. “The crowning! The crowns are stunning! Sheldon McMeekan is the

Miss Gay Scottsdale USofA Nevaeh McKenzie Miss Gay Scottsdale USofA First Alternate Kayla Krawford

Miss Gay Phoenix USofA First Alternate SachĂŠ Van Cartier * Miss Gay Phoenix USofA Olivia Gardens

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Western regional Director for the USofA system and a nationally qualified tabulator. He calculates the scores, so I never see them - barring any technicalities. I find out who wins at the same time you do. I love being surprised! The prize packages for the winners both total over $2,500.” At press time local contestants who’ve qualified to compete in the pageant are Neveah and first alternate Kayla Krawford in addition to Olivia Gardens, who serves as Miss Gay Phoenix and first alternate Saché Van Cartier. The irrepressible Masquerade will compete in the Classic. More ION asked Fornelli if he would venture to make any predictions who’ll win the crown. “Hell no!” he answered. “Although I will say that these girls are not playing; they are amazing, and best of luck to everyone! It will be a tough job for the judges.” The suspense is killing us. We hope it lasts forever. The pageant will be a double crowning in the Grande Ballroom of the Wyndham Downtown Phoenix on Sunday, January 31st at 6 p.m. Tickets and tables are available through Mike Fornelli and Corey Ham by e-mailing Mike@BSWest. com or they can be purchased online at www. BrownPaperTickets.com/event/90901 Sponsorship packets are also available at Mike@ BSWest.com. For more information, and photos of the Arizona USofA pageant system, go to www. myspace.com/missgayarizonaUSofA

Miss Kobalt Masquerade Photography Jerry O’Conner Art Direction Kevin Bushaw *Photograph by Brian Collins January 2010

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T H E L E AT H E R M E N

P h oto s - J e r ry O ’ Co n n e r | A rt - K e v i n B u s h aw | M a k e u p - A n to n K h ac h at u r i a n & Da n i M a h M o d e l s a r e D e r i c k , G ag e , K e n , Z a n e , R i c k y, S e r g i o & Rya n | L e at h e r p r ov i d e d by O f f C h u t e To o T h e L e at h e r m e n a r e a g o g o da n c e t r o u p e f o u n d e d i n O c to b e r ‘ 0 8 by G ag e a n d D e r i c k ( p i c t u r e d A b ov e ) January 2010

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Vol. 3, Issue 10

JANUARY 2010

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

B.S. West to Celebrate Founder’s Day SCOTTSDALE – Picture it. Sicily. 1918. A young peasant boy stows away on an steamship headed for the New World. While on board, he mixes gin, carbonated water and lime juice, creating the first Gin Rickey. He also invents the Harvey Wallbanger, Pink Squirrel, Sloe Comfortable Screw Against the Wall, and the Mafia. All but one is a cocktail. As an added bonus, he gives passengers a small bullet to redeem for another drink between 2-8 p.m. on weekdays, calling it, “Ora Contento” or “Happy Hour.”

That young entrepreneur was none other than Benidetto Salvatore Westolini. This handsome, Sicilian, bachelor bartender’s fashionable watering hole has been a favorite speakeasy ever since. Who was that young man? Records reveal that his name was changed when he became a citizen to the more American sounding “B.S. West.”

OUTRAGEOUS!

And his bar? Researching business records and liquor licenses of yesteryear show that the this very same tavern still stands in downtown Scottsdale today, greatly remodeled and named after it’s namesake. Owner Mike Fornelli, who Living briefly in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, bearsIS anTRAGICALLY uncanny resemblance to the ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH ACCIDENTAL this enterprising young man set up a small, ancestral barkeep of long ago is proud of his but popular saloon in the West’s Most forefather, B.S. West. Western Town, a sleepy little hamlet called Scottsdale in the young state of Arizona. “I’m thrilled with this discovery, our rich Attractive, single young men and Mama’s heritage, and our Founding Father, B.S. Boys from miles away would congregate West. We look forward to celebrating here to listen to songs like, “Let’s Square Founder’s Day very soon. And I promise Dance” by the day’s songbird Grandma nobody will get whacked. But you may not GaGa and make out in the parking stable. remember much the day after.”

OUTRAGEOUS!

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OUTRAGEOUS!

Obamas Crash Party. Family in Uproar OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

FALLS CHURCH, Va.- An ordinarily quiet Virginia community just beyond the Beltway of Washington, D.C. was shocked and surprised when Pres. and Mrs. Obama unexpectedly crashed a birthday party reception for Mrs. Annie Culpepper, 68, visiting from Omaha, Nebraska.

Mrs. Starr was only planning on twelve guests, but the President and First Lady’s arrival threw a wrench into the works. “We didn’t invite them! We don’t have enough cake or snacks for them,” said Starr. “They told my nephew I called them personally, but that’s not true. We can’t figure out how they got in here.”

OUTRAGEOUS! “I couldn’t believe it!” said her daughter,

ANY TOwork THE TRUTH TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL Mrs.IS Culpepper’s grandson, Orville, who is Trudy RESEMBLANCE Starr. “I went to so much organizing this party, sending out invitations, making sure everybody had somewhere to sit, punch, and a piece of cake. Next thing you know, in waltzes the President and his wife, like they own the place! I gave my nephew, Harlan, a copy of the guest list, and he was supposed to check them off as they came in. He said it was his sister’s fault, that it was her job. I don’t know how this happened!”

on the high school wrestling team quietly escorted the First Couple out of the house without incident.

Neighbors suspect that Pres. and Mrs. Obama schemed to get into the party so that they could get their own reality show that takes place in the White House. Uh ... wait a minute ...

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

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OUTRAGEOUS!

Tiger Woods Opens Strip Club Chain OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

WINDERMERE, Fla. – Tiger Woods, the once fabled golden boy of that exciting game of golf announced that he is on hiatus. He hopes to repair his marriage, which is in shambles after a string of infidelities with loose women of ill repute was reported.

Miss California USA Carrie Prejean, the bustiest Christian in America.

Investors in Wood’s venture include “The Love Gov,” South Carolina’s Governor Mark Sanford, Late Night host and philanderer David Letterman and the whore with a heart of gold,

The new gentlemen’s entertainment clubs will be sponsored by condom manufacturers Durex, LifeStyles, Trojan and Kimono as well as Viagra.

OUTRAGEOUS!

Former Wood’s sponsor Electronic Arts video game “Tiger Woods PGA Golf Tour” have been pulled. Execs promise the game will be revamped and marketed as, “Tiger Woods’ Big Divot” where players can pit their skills, seeing who Major sponsors like, AT&T, Gillette, Nike, can bag more waitresses, promoters and other Gatorade and others have dropped the ANY RESEMBLANCE TO resulting THE TRUTH ISwithin TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL skanks allotted time. “The more holes you philandering golfer from their rosters, can get your wood in, the better,” said one game in the loss of hundreds of thousands of dollars in developer. income for the famed duffer. In order to recoup the loss of income, Woods announced that he’ll Upper Deck, the promotional manufacturer of be opening a chain of strip clubs along the Eastern Seabord called “Tiger’s Hole-in-One “bobble heads” is re-“tooling” the Woods’ figure to create a new “bobble” feature that will wiggle. Strip Joint & Driving School.”

OUTRAGEOUS!

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Make Yourself a Better Catch Before you jump into the dating pool, you might want to take a look inward first. Knowing who you are, and what you want to work on helps make you a better catch – and ultimately, a better date. So get out your TO DO list. No one’s perfect. We all have flaws. A few of these tips might help.

Give Reality TV and US Magazine a rest and pick up a novel, news magazine, or read an online newspaper. The more you know, the more you’ll have to talk about on a date. Most people will say intelligence is attractive. It’s probably in the top five of qualities most singles are looking for. If you’re informed and well read, you’ll at least seem smart, and you can avoid those awkward pauses in conversation during a date. If you can’t bring yourself to read, buy a pair of Gucci glasses with clear lenses – and pretend to be smart. Illusion is everything.

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CONTROL THE DRINKING AND SMOKING

You might think an ashtray mouth is OK or a funny drunk is cute, but it probably won’t lead to finding a quality mate. That cute guy won’t think you’re as attractive when you slur your words and blow smoke in his face. Leave the cigs in the car. And with a few less drinks you won’t have to wonder if you had beer goggles on the night before, when he calls you the next day.

BE POSITIVE

You may blame your parents for screwing up your childhood, still be angry with your ex, or hate your boss, but no one wants to hear your complaining. Negativity is a big turn off if you’re trying to attract a quality date. Save the moaning for the therapist’s chair or your closest friends. Your friends probably don’t want to constantly hear your negativity either, but at least they’ll understand. A positive attitude and a few kind words go a long way to making you a better catch.

STOP SLEEPING AROUND OR AT LEAST STOP TALKING ABOUT IT So you’re constantly hooking up. We all have needs. But if you’re known as the guy who’ll sleep with anyone, eventually no one will want to sleep with you. A little discretion goes a long way and your potential dates don’t want to hear ALL the intimate details of your many encounters. Let your date find out for himself that you’re a stud, instead of hearing that you’re a slut.

VOLUNTEER No matter how bad you may think you have it, there’s always someone less fortunate than you. Call it karma. Whatever you give, comes back to you in greater returns. And who knows, maybe you’ll meet that perfect date in a soup kitchen line or at a charity event.

LEAVE SOMETHING TO THE IMAGINATION If your stack of porn is larger than your TV, you’ve probably killed your sexual imagination, and set your standards way too high when looking for a mate. Drop dead gorgeous, hung like a horse with 8 pack abs isn’t a very realistic standard. Porn stars mate with porn stars anyways. And those provocative photos you have posted online probably won’t leave a potential mate wanting more when they’ve seen it all before meeting you. Leaving something to the imagination will make you more attractive and a better catch.

Post your online or voicemail profile for FREE on Megamates and Gaymates. Our phone dating line and online dating website offer singles a fun, interactive place to call, chat, and connect. It’s free to setup and maintain a mailbox or online account, free to record a public message and free to browse other caller’s profiles and messages. Call 1-888-MEGAMATES, use FREE code 7286 or visit us online at www. gaymates.com © 2008 Progressive Computing LLC January 2010

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IONPHOENIX 1. 1.

Amsterdam Amsterdam

718 N. Central Ave. - Downtown Phoenix

(602) 258-6122

2. 2.

Apollo’s Apollo’s

5749 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

(602) 277-9373

3. 3.

NEW! Bar 1 Babylon Showclub

3613 Buren, Phoenix, AZ‎ 3708 E N.Van 16th St. - Phoenix

(602) 306-1000‎ 266-9001

4. 4.

1 BSBar West

3702 St. --Phoenix 7125 N. E. 16th 5th Ave. Scottsdale

(602) 266-9001 (480) 945-9028

5. 5.

BS West Bunkhouse

7125 Scottsdale 4428 E. N. 5th 7th Ave. Ave. -- Phoenix

(480) (602) 945-9028 200-9154

6. 6.

Bunkhouse Cash Inn

4428 7th Ave. - Phoenix 2140 N. E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

(602) (602) 200-9154 244-9943

7. 7.

Cash Inn Charlie’s

2140 E. Camelback McDowell Rd. 727 W. Rd.--Phoenix Phoenix

(602) 244-9943 (602) 265-0224

8. 8.

Charlie’s Cherry Bar

727 Rd.Rd. - Phoenix 1028W. E.Camelback Indian School - Phoenix

(602) (602) 265-0224 277-7729

9. 9.

Cherry Bar Cherry Lounge

1028 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix (602) 277-7729 Every Thursday starting January 11th - Mill Ave. in Tempe

10. 10.

Cherry Lounge The Chute Men’s Club

Every Thursday at 9pm on Mill Ave. in Tempe 1440 E Indian School Rd. - Phoenix (602) 234-1654

C11.

The Chute Men’s Club Clarendon Hotel

1440 E Indian School Rd. - Phoenix 401 W. Clarendon Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 234-1654 (602) CLARENDON

12. 11.

Club Vibe Club Vibe

3031 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix 3031 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 224-9977 (602) 224-9977

13. 12. 14. 13. 15. 14. 16. 15. 17. 16. 18. 17. 19. 18. 20. 19. 21. 20. 22. 21. 23.

Cruisin’ 7th Cruisin’ 7th Dick’s Cabaret Dick’s Cabaret Dick’s II The Door Flex Private Men’s Club Forbidden Forbidden Homme Homme icepics videobar icepics videobar Incognito Incognito Karamba Karamba Kobalt Kobalt OZ NEW! Nu Towne

3702 N. 7th St. - Phoenix 3702 N. 7th St. - Phoenix 3432 E. Illini Rd. - Phoenix 3432 E. Illini Rd. - Phoenix 2438 E. McDowell - Phoenix 1126 N. Scottsdale Rd. - Tempe 1517 S Black Canyon Hwy - Phoenix 6820 E. 5th Ave. - Scottsdale 6820 E. 5th Ave. - Scottsdale 138 W. Camelback Rd. - Phoenix 138 W. Camelback Rd. - Phoenix 3108 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix 3108 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix 2424 E. Thomas Rd. - Phoenix 2424 E. Thomas Rd. - Phoenix 1724 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix 1724 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix 3110 N. Central Ave. - Phoenix 3110 N. Central Ave. - Phoenix 1804 W. Bethany Home Rd. - Phoenix 5002 E Van Buren St, Phoenix, AZ‎

(602) 212-9888 (602) 212-9888 (602) 274-DICK (602) 274-DICK (602) 437-DICK (480) 967-DOOR (602) 271-9011 forbiddenaz.com forbiddenaz.com (602) 266-0875 (602) 266-0875 (602) 267-8707 (602) 267-8707 (602) 955-9805 (602) 955-9805 (602) 254-0231 (602) 254-0231 (602) 264-5307 (602) 264-5307 (602) 242-5114 (602) 267-9959

22. 24.

Plazma OZ

1560 E. Osborn Rd. - Phoenix 1804 W. Bethany Home Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 266-0477 (602) 242-5114

23. 25.

Pumphouse II Plazma

4132 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix 1560 E. Osborn Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 275-3509 (602) 266-0477

24. 26.

Retro Bar Pumphouse II

3114 E. Cactus Rd. - Phoenix 4132 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 493-0355 (602) 275-3509

25.

The Rock 4129 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix Radisson Phoenix City Center 3600 N. 2nd Ave. - Phoenix Roscoe’s 4531 N.N.7th St.Creek - Phoenix Rainbow Cactus 15615 Cave Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 248-8559 (602) 604-4900

15615N.N.7th Cave Creek Rd. - Phoenix 4129 Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 248-8559 867-2463 (602)

28. 29.

Rainbow Cactus The Rock Velocity Roscoe’s

2303 N. E. Indian Rd. - Phoenix 4531 7th St.School - Phoenix

(602) 285-0833 956-2885 (602)

29. 30.

Wild Card Velocity

801 N.E.Arizona Ave. - Chandler 2303 Indian School Rd. - Phoenix

(480) 956-2885 857-3088 (602)

30. 31.

Z ZGirl GirlClub Club

4301 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 265-3233

26. 27. 27. 28.

(602) 285-0833 (602) 867-2463

January 2010 www.IONAZ.com 89

IONBAR GUIDE PHOENIX

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

Amsterdam

Amsterdam’s Signature Night Happy Hour 4-7pm

FRIDAY

Dance - No Cover! $3 Smirnoff cocktails until Mid.

Arts, Industry & ION VIP Night 1/2 price drinks *KARAOKE*

Apollo’s*

Comedy Clips 6pm Karaoke 9pm

$1 Bud Light Drafts 2-8p Karaoke 9pm

$1 Bud Light Drafts 2-8p Male Strippers 10:30pm

NEW! Babylon

Friday 8pm - 4am Saturday 8pm - 4am NEVAEH Host’s Amateur Stripper

Sunday 8pm - 2am

BS West*

FUBAR with Elements 9:45p $5 you call it drink & $3 beers

2-4-1 everything all night Go-go dancers - A new tradition

Karaoke 9pm $1 Miller Lite drafts

Charlie’s

$3 pitchers/2-4-1 well/dom 2-7p $1 Happy Hour 7-9p/Afterhours

$3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 12-7p $1 Happy Hour 7-9p/Afterhours

Volleyball 4-7pm, NEW 3-4-1 $3 Long Islands, $3 pitchers

Cherry Lounge Mill Ave. - Downtwon Tempe Dick’s Cabaret

2-4-1 VIP Dances 7pm ‘til 9pm

Off the Hook Tons of Prizes & Giveaways

2-4-1 Cover Charge, Dances & VIP Wristbands

Dick’s II

$1 Dances at Midnight

Tons of Prizes & Giveaways

2-4-1 Dances

EZ Happy Hour 4-6:30pm 2-4-1 well, draft, beer & marg.

Uncorked Sundays 50% off bottles of wine

Forbidden

Fresh Fridays 21+ no cover / 18+ $8 cover

The Barbra Seville Show & no cover 80s dance party

Sports Beer Bust & BBQ + Trash Disco / $1 drafts

icepics

MEAT - Go Go Boys/Strippers $3 Wells, $4 Lng Isl., $2 Dom.

The Follies 10pm Great SKYY Drink Specials

Legendary Show Tunes Sunday $3 Wells/ $1.50 Drafts

Incognito

Progressive Soulful House 2-4-1 Drinks Afterhours until 4 DJs UNITY & SOCIAL-Afterhours DJ Tsunami & Grown and Sexy

Diverse:City Local DJs 8p Industrial, electronic & undergr.

The Leathermen

Velocity 10:30p - 1:30a

Cruisn’ 7th | Plazma 4:30p - 7:00p | 10:30p - 1:30p

Velocity 9:00p - 11:00p

R Maizie’s

Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

Happy Hour Brunch 9a-2p 3-6pm Everyday

Brunch All Day

R Mi Patio

Fridays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Saturdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Sundays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Karamba

Fridays $4 Pitchers

Saturdays $4 Pitchers

Sundays with Galilea $3 pitchers

Pumphouse II

Bottoms Up Fridays 2-4-1 all drinks

Hot Bodz Male Revue Hosted by Savannah

Sundays $1.50 Well & Domestic

The Rock

Karaoke @ 10 Poker @ 7 $5 Martinis 7pm-midnight

Diamond Dolls Mya McKenzie $4 Bomber/$3.50 3 Olive Drinks

Rock your Funday Sunday Tea dance, DJ, specials, food

R Roscoe’s*

All Star Grill Specials Great Happy Hour

All Star Grill Opens at 11am

$8 Sunday Brunch $8 Long Island Pitchers

R Switch

Fridays Open from 11am-Midnight

Saturday Open from 11am-Midnight

Sundays Open from 11am-Midnight

R Ticoz

Fridays Open from 11am-Midnight

Saturday $1 brunch drinks Open from 11am-Midnight

Sundays $1 brunch drinks Open from 11am-Midnight

Live Soul/Motown Happy Hour 11am-8pm

Show’s at 10pm Happy Hour 11am-8pm

Tucson’s All Day Party Happy Hour 11am-8pm

R FEZ

TUCSON R Woody’s R 90

FULL MENU

* LIMITED MENU/TIMES

www.IONAZ.com January 2010

FREE PROJECT HART HAT CONDOMS

DRINK RESPONSIBLY. Discount Cab: Yellow Cab: AAA Cab:

MONDAY

602-200-2000 602-252-5252 602-437-4000

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

Martinis & Manicures $5 Martinis

Arts, Industry & ION VIP Night 1/2 price drinks

College Night 1/2 price drinks with student ID

Divas Live! $3 Diva Shots during the show

All Day All Night 2 for 1 U Call-It Open-Close

‘Tini Tuesdays 2-4-1 Call Martinis Open-Close

Jock Night Wii Challenge $4 u-call-it

Karaoke 9pm Happy Hour 8-8 $2.75 well/dom

Monday 8pm - 2am $2 dom./$3 import/$5 Martini

Tuesday 8pm - 2am $5 U-Call-It

Wednesday 8pm - 2am 2-4-1

Thursday 8pm - 2am NEVAEH’s Drag Show

W.H.O.R.E. Service Industry $2 dom $3 well $4 bombers

Community Benefit/Fundraiser Book you event @ bswest.com

2-4-1 All Day and All Night A valley tradion!

Karaoke 9pm $2 drafts

Underwear Party 8-cl 1/2 price 2-8pm $3 pitch. 2-4-1 well/dom

2-8p $3 pitch./2-4-2 well/dom 8p-Close 2-4-1 cocktails/dom

2-8p $3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 8p-close $3 Pinnacle

2-4-1 All Day! Cocktails and beer

until 1am Scandalesque Burlesque Show 2-4-1 Mill Avenue - Tempe 2-4-1 Cover Charge, Dances, VIP Wristbands

Amateur Night Starts at 10pm

S.I.N. Bring Your Dancer ID and get VIP Pricing

Hot Studs All Night Long $5.00 Off with VIP Keychain

2-4-1 Dances

ION VIP Night

Amatuer Night Wack Wednesdays

ION VIP Night

M3 Mondays 2-4-1 signature margaritas

Svedka Tuesdays $5 Svedka Tuesdays

Late Night EZ Hour 10-mid 2-4-1 well, draft, bottle & marg.

Closed Mondays Open Tuesday-Sunday 4p-2a

Am Idol Happy Hour 4-9pm Karaoke w/ Brad 9pm

Am Idol Happy Hour 4-9pm Team Trivia 8pm

Inferno Thursday 18 + night $4 wells, $4 Hornitos shots

Comedy Night 2-4-1 well / beer (8p-2a)

Mustache Ride First Tuesday 2-4-1 well / beer

Karaoke $4 martinis & Lng Isl. $3 Well/$2 Domestic Bottle

HOT ASS Best ass wins $100 2-4-1 well / beer (8p-2a)

Closed

Industry Night 2-4-1 Specials “The Men of Incog” Male Review

The World Club 18+ Dance party + afterours until 4a Cruisin’ 7th 10:30p - 12:30p

Charlies 10:00p- 1:00a $3 Bistro Burgers $10.00 off of all Bottled Wines

Tuesday Night Fish & Chips Wednesday BBQ Short Ribs Selected Beers $3 Starts @ 5pm Selected Beers $3 Starts @ 5pm

Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

Mondays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Tuesdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Wednesdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Thursdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Closed

Tejano Tuesdays $2.00 Drinks All Night

Wednesdays with Diamond $2 Drinks All Night

Thursdays with Susanna $3 pitchers

Mondays 2-4-1 7-close

Tuesdays Dart tournament

Wednesdays 2-4-1 well & domestic

Hot Bodz Male Revue Hosted by Savannah

Lady’s Night Free pool $1 Miller Lite Drft, $4.50 Bomb.

Guys Night Out Happy hour all day long

Industry Night $2 Well & Domestic $3 Bombs

Poker Night $3.50 Long Islands $1 Off Draft Pitchers

Monday Pool Tournament

2 for Tuesdays 2-4-1 drinks all day

Wednesday All Day Happy Hour

Thursdays 2-4-1 7pm

Mondays Open from 11am-Midnight

Tuesdays Open from 11am-Midnight

Wednesdays Open from 11am-Midnight

Thursdays Open from 11am-Midnight

Mondays Open from 11am-Midnight

Tuesdays 11am-Midnight

Wednesdays 11am-Midnight

Thursdays 11am-Midnight

Karaoke Happy Hour 11am-8pm

Carribean Party Happy Hour 11am-8pm

Wet & Wild Party Happy Hour 11am-8pm

Thursdays Happy Hour 11am-8pm

ION ARIZONA

www.IONAZ.com January 2010

IONTUCSON

CLUBS, RESTAURANTS, AND NIGHTLIFE

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Ain’t Nobody’s Biz Colors Howl at the Moon IBT’s Miguel’s Mexican Restaurant Venture-N Woody’s Yard Dog

2900 E. Broadway 5305 E. Speedway 915 W. Prince Rd. 616 N. 4th Ave. 5900 N. Oracle Rd. 1239 N. 6th Ave. 3710 N. Oracle Rd. 2449 N. Stone

(520) 318-4838 (520) 323-1840 (520) 293-7339 (520) 882-3053 (520) 887-3777 (520) 882-8224 (520) 292-6702 (520) 624-3858

445 S. Alvernon Way 5335 E. Broadway Blvd. 5900 N. Oracle Rd. 204 S. Scott Ave. 3800 E. Sunrise Dr.

(520) 881-4200 (520) 745-2700 (520) 887-4800 (877) 670-9022 (520) 742-6000

ACCOMODATIONS & LODGING 1 2 3 4 5

Doubletree Hotel at Reid Park Embassy Suites La Posada Lodge and Casitas Royal Elizabeth B&B The Westin La Paloma

January 2010

www.IONAZ.com 93

www.IONAZ.com January 2010

by Addison DeWitt

Last month I witnessed the mass exodus of nearly every gay boy under the age of 30 leaving Phoenix to see Lady Gaga in San Diego. It was like seeing Moses leading the Israelites out of Egypt. I didn’t go. I didn’t need to. I could sit in the comfort of my mobile home at the WonderVu Trailer Court and see pirated video of the concert posted for broadcast on Facebook over and over and over again by every queen who went or wished he went. Instead I stayed here. So I could report everything I know – which admittedly isn’t much – to you. I know you’re riveted. That tall, dark and handsome Syrian beauty Eric Nashawaty celebrated his birthday at Babylon where the go-go boys spirited him up on stage for a “Pole Dance” he’ll never forget. And neither will they, I bet. Word on the street is that Eric is single and is looking to comingle. (Hey, there’s only a few words that rhyme with ‘single’ that make sense.) For the Holidays most of us get gifts like a shirt, a bottle of cologne, a book, or gift certificates. I got crabs one year, but that’s a different story. The winner of The Best Christmas Gift Ever In The Whole Wide World goes to the oh-so-scrumptious Eric Shorter. His boyfriend, Ryan McCarthy, the humpo-licious day bartender at Charlie’s, got Eric an albino rat. His name is “Sprite.”

Isn’t that what everyone dreams about getting? Kids, I think the moral of the story is this: don’t tell Ryan when, say, your birthday is. You might get a garter snake, a salamander, or some other kind of creature that you won’t be expecting. But if you’re lucky – and that’s a big “if” – it might be a gerbil. (“Oh, no he didn’t!” you say. Yes. I did.) The Phoenix Metropolitan Men’s Chorus and their Philharmonic Ensemble staged a spectacular holiday concert which was sold out. Lending a hand – actually two – was their sign language interpreter, the divine Alex Chambers (pictured). I’d like for Alex to interpret “Love Is A Many Splendored Thing” all over my sweaty body with his strong, soft, warm, supple hands. (Yes. I did. Again.) After one performance the chorus and the entire audience sang “Happy Birthday” to Apollo’s own Lee Revelle. I remember when the entire community of the WonderVu Trailer Court sang it to me. Not the same, I can tell you. Not quite the same. The PMMC’s next big concert is the weekend of June 25-27 when they’ll be performing an entire concert of Elton John music. Why on a weekend? Because everybody knows that “Saturday Night’s Alright for Fightin’.” A little Elton John humor there. Okay, January 2010

www.IONAZ.com 95

and a fabulous drag show. very little. But plan on seeing it. We hear that the darling Teddy Gandert was in the Big Apple scratching “New Year’s Eve at Times Square” off his Bucket List. But what we’re really dying to know, Teddy dear, is did you get to scratch CNN talking head, Gloria Vanderbilt’s oh-so-eligible bachelor Anderson Cooper’s goldplated bucket at midnight? If anybody could, it’s you, Teddy. As a celebrated, award winning journalist, you can imagine that my New Year’s Eve schedule is packed. The invitations poured in from Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, the Olson Twins and the Jonas Brothers. But where did I go? Where? I’m telling you, I stayed here right in my own hometown and rang in the New Year with my friends at Pumphouse. Of course, the fact that they had the fabulous Ranger Dale pouring tankardsize 2-for-1 drinks behind the bar, a delicious late night buffet, hot strippers,

www.IONAZ.com January 2010

Speaking of fabulous drag ... the Party Penguin of the Month is Pumphouse’s Drag Queen in Residence, the original, one-of-a-kind, one-and-only, irrepressible Savannah Stevens! Whether she’s performing as Cyndi Lauper, her amazingly uncanny Cher, a spot-on Reba McEntyre, or that wacky Amy Winehouse, the chameleon-like Savannah gives it her all and makes everybody feel right at home at Pumphouse. If only my home had strippers, drag shows and a full bar. But I do have a DVD player, some blue movies, one of my mother’s old half-slips, a brassiere and some Kool-Aid. Hey, it’s a start. Throw your New Year’s Resolutions away. Who are you kidding in the first place? You’re still gonna sleep around. I just wish I knew someone who could teach me erotic American Sign Language. If only I knew somebody ... somebody ... Any ideas? If so, e-mail Addison at RumorHound@aol.com

January 2010 www.IONAZ.com 97

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22 Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

A secret will be revealed this month. But it just might be about something you did that you don’t necessarily want everybody to know about. But you’ll find the damage control will bring you a reward you weren’t expecting. See? It all works out.

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20

Play Indian chief this month and you’ll get heap big wampum. Just don’t get scalped in the process. Send out some sexy smoke signals and you’ll discover that someone wants to spend some time in your teepee with you. Show ‘em the peace pipe.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Both of your faces are gorgeous, Gemini! If somehow you can get both of them to agree what to have for lunch, you’re off to a good start. I recommend the Turkey and Swiss, with a hot Aquarian on the side.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

The New Year brings many opportunities for you. It could be getting in a bar fight with a drag queen or winning an amateur stripper contest. Whatever it is, you better make sure there are no cameras around to capture the moment.

Leo July 23 - Sep. 22

Something great is in store for you! It may be a parade in your honor. You’ll find that you have a bigger fan club than you imagined. And not just on Facebook. In real life, too. Honest!

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22

You’re a born entertainer. You’re kind of a cross between Liza Minnelli and someone else, we’re not quite sure who. You’re the life of the party, but please don’t dance around with the lampshade on your head anymore.

www.IONAZ.com

January 2010

The New Year has given you pause to consider your finances. Pay off a debt. The sky’s the limit – but don’t go overboard. Kiss a stranger on the lips. You’ll be pleasantly surprised at what happens.

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov. 23

Your sense of adventure leaves everybody thrilled. You may swing in on a vine, like Tarzan, or storm through the door Rambo style. Your swashbuckling zest for life amazes even your harshest. A certain starryeyed blonde is putty in your hands.

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23 Even when you’re drunk, nobody’s gonna believe that you’re the rightful heir to the throne of England. Curb those little white lies and concentrate on honesty. Oh, but everybody totally believes that story about you and the bartender, though.

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20

Your caring warmth and genuine empathy has everyone believing that you’re Oprah. You can drop the act, because those in the know have you figured out. Maybe it’s too much sugar. Maybe it’s a mild case of schizophrenia. But if you go to the Dept. of Motor Vehicles you’ll snap right out of it. We love the real you.

Aquarias Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

Your imaginary friends are worried about you. Your flight to the Aurora Borealis was canceled, but a quick road trip to the West Coast is in the picture this year. And maybe with a kookie Gemini.

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

You don’t have to know everybody’s business. If you play your cards right, everyone will tell you everything you want to know. Make sure you keep one or two nuggets of info to yourself. And don’t pick your nose, because – no, you’re not paranoid – everybody really is watching you.

January 2010 www.IONAZ.com 99