ION Arizona #130 by ION Arizona

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For the latest events, specials and show times, visit:

/icepics • www.icepicsvideobar.com

SATURDAY SHOWS @ 10pm

A Touch of Starring

Maraya Jordan

APRIL 7th & APRIL 21st

$ 00

APRIL 28th

SPECIAL EVENT: SATURDAY APRIL 14

Miss Gay Arizona USofAAt Large 2 012 P R E - S h o w

Featuring Delorian Chase and Miss Gay USofA at Large Desiree DeMornay

FRIDAY the 13th PARTY

COCKTAILS DURING SATURDAY SHOWS!

SUNDAY, APRIL 29th @ 8:30pm

STRUT FAGTV visit

THE MEN OF

imperialcourtaz.org for info!

Divas After Dark SUNDAY APRIL 22nd @ 8:30pm

ALL-MALE REVIEW $4 SToLI DRINKS!

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NOCHES DE KARAMBA

ST. PATRICK’S DAY

DIAMOND & KEVIN SOTO

BARBRA’S WHITNEY HOUSTON TRIBUTE 12

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KARAMBA

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PORNOPALOOZA

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BS WEST

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What Does Pride Mean to You? One question we asked our interview subjects this month is, “What does PRIDE means to you?” We got some great answers! Here is what Pride means to me: Like my father, I am a very proud man. But as a kid, I wasn’t proud of my feelings about being Gay. After years of depression and suicidal thoughts, I decided to embrace who I was and to hell with anyone who didn’t like me. Today, I couldn’t be more proud of myself, this magazine, our community and how far we’ve all come. Which brings me to Phoenix Pride: a week-long celebration of being free and proud ending with a massive two day festival. I couldn’t be more proud of the Splash Bash Pride Kick-Off Party which has become more than the original ION anniversary pool party started back in 2002. It has become it’s own mini all day festival with swimming, dancing, beach volleyball, games, contests, and now a new main stage with a full line up of live entertainment including American Idol finalist David Hernandez. This year we decided to spice things up even more and bring Make Me a Super Model first runner-up and PLAYGIRL centerfold model Ronnie Kroell to host

the event. We’re also bringing back our favorite “amazeball weblebrities” Jessica and Hunter to co-host. Come to Splash Bash and meet them in person! You’ll see Ronnie along with Jessica and Hunter in the ION Arizona parade float and in the festival itself. I’m also very proud of how far ION Arizona has come from it’s humble beginnings in 2001 with only 48 black and white pages. This issue has so much great content including the entire Phoenix Pride program that we added 32 more pages for a total of 132! Thank you to everyone who has contributed to this issue as well as the last 10 years. I couldn’t be more proud of all of you! Enjoy this expanded Pride issue entitled, “We are the ChampIONs.” Hope to see you at Splash Bash, the Pride Parade and please stop by the ION booth at the festival and say, “Hi!” We’d love to meet you! Be good to each other. Take pride in your yourself and your community. Play safe, get tested and have fun!

Jack M. Tesorero April 2012 www.IONAZ.com 19

3819 North 3rd Street Suite 26, Phoenix, AZ 85012

(602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com

ionarizona@me.com

Publisher / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero .............................. jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ........................................ kbushaw@me.com Editor Deon Brown ....................................... ionazeditor@me.com PRODUCTION ASSISTANT Tom King ............................................ ionarizona@me.com PRODUCTION & Artwork SUBMISSIONS ionazproduction@me.com Advertising Sales Jack Tesorero ............................................... (602) 750-1164 Danny Catt, Regional Sales Director ............ (520) 429-5905 ionazsales@me.com ADVERTISING CONSULTANT Bill Knoop ..................................................... (602) 301-8457 Photographers:

Fernando Hernandez Jerry O’Conner Devin Mitchell Deon Brown Cover photo by Jerry O’Conner National Advertising Representative Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 ContributORS:

Wes Bergman Addison DeWitt Jackson David Kelly C. Edwards

Robert Hofmann Ted Kirby Kim Ruff Paul Sanchez

Published monthly by

1995-2012: 17 Years of Design and Creative Excellence

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee. NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company. Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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Phoenix Saguaro Cup Batter up! It’s time for the Saguaro Cup Sports Festival—the premier softball tournament in the Southwest! If you’re a pitcher—or a catcher—you won’t want to miss out April13-15! Games are at sports fields valleywide. For more info visit SaguaroCup.com

Pet Pride Festival Put your pooch in his or her finest and take him for a turn down the “cat”walk for the Pet Pride Festival! Enter Fido in a variety of contests and win prizes It all benefits a variety of animal rescues & agencies. Visit PhoenixPetPride.com for details. It all happens at Apollo’s. 5749 N. 7th St. Phone: 602-277-9373

Bar1 Heel Party Whether you plan on wearing a fetching pair of Jimmy Choo peep-toe pumps with a low vamp, your Manolo Blahnik ankle-straps, or even your mom’s old stilettos, you won’t want to miss the second annual Heel Party at Bar1 on Saturday, April 14 at 9 p.m. Enjoy drink specials. Think how great your legs will look in heels! 3702 N. 16th St. Phoenix Phone: 602-266-9001

UNITY Dance Party Work your groove thang, baby! Put on your dancing shoes and head over to the Madison Events Center to celebrate with DJ Joe Gauthreaux, Frenchie Davis and Kim English for the biggest dance party of PRIDE Weekend! Saturday, April 21 at the Madison Event Center, 441 W. Madison St. Go to DirtyBoyProductions. com for more info. 24

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Phoenix Social Club Pool Extravaganza Spend a day of fun in the sun at the fabulous Montelucia Hotel & Resort with your friends and make it a Gay Pride Sunday with the Phoenix Social Club and you can be part of the chic & elite set, too! Meet new people and make friends! Prizes & more! Sunday, April See page 98 details.

Dining Out for Life Grab your knife, fork, spoon and get ready to dish, dish, dish! Make your reservation for a meal at your favorite participating restaurant for Dining Out for Life with proceeds benefiting Southwest Center for HIV/AIDS. It happens on Thursday, April 26. For a full roster of restaurants and businesses participating check out DiningOutForLife.com/Phoenix

APRIL 2012 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE EVENT 6 6-9 13-15 13 14 14 14 17 19 20 21 21-22 22 26 27 28 29

LOCATION

The Pübes The Rock White Party Phoenix Saguaro Cup www.SaguaroCup.com Girlicious Apollo’s WETT Party Woody’s Heel Party Bar1 Pet Pride Festival Apollo’s Mustache Ride icepics Melrose Garden Party Melrose/7th Ave Splash Bash former Radisson City Centre UNITY Dance Party Madison Event Center Phoenix Pride Steele Indian School Park Phx Social Club Pool Extravaganza Montelucia Hotel Dining Out for Life Stache Bash IBT’s Superhero vs Villain Party BS West Men of STRUT icepics

CITY Phoenix Palm Springs, CA Phoenix Tucson Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Scottsdale Valleywide Tucson Scottsdale Phoenix

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Ronnie Kroell A Passion for Pride

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H andsome Ronnie Kroell, 29, runnerup star and fan favorite from Bravo TV’s reality show Make Me A Supermodel (2008), heart-thumping PLAYGIRL magazine centerfold (June 2010) and star of the comedy series Eating Out 4: Drama Camp and thriller Into the Lion’s Den (2011) also proved to be one of the most popular models and personal profiles of ION Arizona ([Not Just] Another Pretty Face, September 2011). Since then, Ronnie relocated from New York City to Los Angeles to pursue his passion for acting, and still staying involved in a variety of other projects and helping others. “But I love LA!” Ronnie told ION. “I’m taking acting classes and a couple of entrepreneurial projects going on. I’m developing a new brand of water that’s in the works; it’s gonna take a little time to get off the ground but I’m very excited about that.” Ronnie will be filming Scrooge & Marley, a Gay version of A Christmas Carol (“A new kind of a Holiday film, for a new kind of family”), in his native Chicago soon. “We just signed Bruce Vilanch to play the part of Fezziwig. I will be the Ghost of Christmas Past.” Ronnie tells about the comedy writer, “Bruce is a dear friend; he’s so funny! We’ll go to film screenings together He’s always whispering in my ear little funny comments. If the film is bad it’s great to have him sitting next to you!” “When I go out and about it’s interesting to me: everyone’s famous and I hardly ever know if they’re famous or why

they’re famous, but out of all the celebrities I’ve come to know, Bruce is really one of the most down to earth and honest. I really value that, especially in a town with a lot of façades and you’re trying to figure out what’s real and what’s not,” Ronnie said about The New Hollywood Squares center square cut-up. Just like anybody, developing real and lasting friendships are important to Ronnie, especially in the dog-eat-dog world of Hollywood. “I’ve been very blessed to be surrounded by such great friends,” Ronnie believes. “I do my best to really connect with people for who they are and try to show them it’s okay to be who they are with me, because I don’t want to get to know your fake personality. I just want you to be who you are; I want to see what you’re all about. If we don’t click, we don’t click. Not everybody gets along, but be yourself with me.” The Big Apple vs. The Big Orange. “L.A. is more laid back community as far as business goes. In L.A. they’ll sugarcoat things or skirt around issues. I can meet up and talk business over a margarita and in New York nobody has time for that. New Yorkers are more honest and blunt about things. It’s a ‘gogo-go’ mentality,” Ronnie learned. “One thing that remains the same is there’s a ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy— in modeling and acting. It’s unfortunate that your personal orientation still prohibits you from getting work. There’s so many closeted people in Hollywood and they’re not coming out; it’s a very April 2012 www.IONAZ.com 29

photo by Shawn Adeli

among these incredible business people, to learn and have that experience!” Ronnie learned more about the Stonewall Riots of 1969.

courageous and very dangerous thing to do. Now for the Miss America Question: What does Gay Pride mean to you? “When I really, truly understood Pride was in 2009—the 40th Anniversary of Stonewall. I hate to admit it, I didn’t really know anything about Stonewall to be honest with you. We’re not taught that in school. “I was invited by the NGLCC [National Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce] to speak at the New York Stock Exchange, because we were going to be ringing the closing bell. They asked me if I would speak about the anniversary of Stonewall. How exciting to be 30

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“I did some research and hunted down an incredible man who participated the riots. He sat down with me on Christopher Street outside of the Stonewall Inn and I interviewed him about his experience and how difficult things were 40 years ago. They didn’t let that fear stop them from being trailblazers. They didn’t care what happened to them but they knew that they weren’t gonna take that any more. There was really no choice. “Today as Pride comes around it’s really important to remember those who’ve allowed us to celebrate; they have lifted us up to this point. I always find it important to reflect about the people who have made it possible for us.

photo by Adam Bouska

Eventually I want these labels to be finally stripped away, it’s frustrating— especially as an American who sees so many different other important issues we could focus on as one American community but we get so distracted about superficial arguments about ‘rights’ that we shouldn’t even be having anymore. Pride is an opportunity to get exposure in a limited window of time; it’s important to remember how to maximize and leverage that window of opportunity. That’s how I feel,” he concluded simply. Ronnie will be ION Arizona’s “Sexy Grand Marshall” and our special guest star at the special Pride Kick-Off Party. Guests should wear their sexiest swimwear and practice their best supermodel style on the catwalk: Ronnie will be judging our very own “Make Me An ION Supermodel” Contest for prizes. Fierce! He’ll also be in the parade and at the ION booth at the Festival. “I am so excited, you have no idea! I’ve never really been to Arizona, number one. And number two, my boyfriend is from Arizona! I’m very excited to hang out with you for the weekend and celebrate!”

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et ready, kids! The pickled, potty-mouthed brats of Tinseltown, Jessica & Hunter, are packing up their tanning butter, beach towels—and a couple of handles of Smirnoff—and heading to Phoenix to party poolside at Splash Bash and crash Phoenix Gay Pride Parade and Festival with ION Arizona. Again! The Gruesome Twosome of the Hollywood Hills phoned in a “soops exclyusive” interview with ION. Sheesh! What did we get ourselves into? Let’s find out ... ION: Some people think you might be a bad influence. Hunter: Bad influence on what? I can’t imagine! If it’s some boring, Mormon school marm, then probably. But we’re all about celebrating, having fun—and looking good doing it. Jessica: That’s ridikidonk! We’re only good influence on people who have priorities in life, like partying, shopping, celeb-stalking and partying.

Jessica & Hunter

ION: Who are you currently stalking?

H: I’m currently obsessedicles with Snooki’s unborn baby! Those gin-soaked raisins of ovaries of hers can squeeze out a new Jersey Shore member! I can’t wait to meet it! It’s just floating around in its amniotic fluid, a.k.a. beer and a margarita!

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J: Oh my god! I’m gonna name my baby

Margarita! I read about it in US Weekly! It’s, like, the new Google. Just US Weekly it and see if it’s fact or fiction. We lurve Snooki’s baby! We haven’t met her yet, but I think it has a mug shot already and we cannyot wait to party with that drunk little fetus when it falls out of her open vagina! ION: Who do you like better, Mom or Dad? J: Hunter’s mom is soops cool. My mom is, like—unfortunately, this is really embarrassing (like, you’re not gonna print this or anything? Right?) Hunter and I were watching our fave reality show, Hoarders, (which is disgustoids!) I haven’t talked to my mom in years and years and cut to this hoarder holding up a picture of her daughter and it’s me! My mom is a 500 pound shut-in on Hoarders! H: I was dead on floor! Her mom is as big as the house she’s buried in, sitting in a pile of medical diapers and a mountain of National Geographics! J: There are, like, dead, frozen-looking cats underneath her! They needed a crane to get her out—they just burned the whole house down. She tried to call me but I blocked her. H: That’s blackmail that I’m using against Jessica getting her to pick up the bar tab. ION: Jessica, some fans suspect that you’re a drag queen. Hunter, rumor is you’re a hermaphrodite. J: Honey, I am all woman! I’m wearing a vodkasoaked tampon to prove it! Extra large, sweetie! Hunter April 2012 www.IONAZ.com 35

has pec implants that look like tiny, little Asian A-cups so I can see why people get confused. H: That was the size my doctor prescribed for me! I am all boy—although I do have a mangina. ION: Jessica, do you wear the Water Bra? H: More like a Bone Bra! J: No, honey, a Patrón Bra! Double-D all the way! ION: If you were stuck on a desert island with the Kardashians, who would you eat first and why? Khloe doesn’t count just because she’s fat. H: We wouldn’t eat her anyway, because we’re on a low-fat diet. We’d need her to climb up trees and knock down the coconuts for us. Hel-lo?! She’s built like a gorilla! J: I would wanna eat Kourtney. She’s, like, the unimportant, boring one, so who

cares? So we’d kill and eat Kourtney, but Khloe and Kim, obvs—because they have their own reality shows—we would keep in case the paparazzi come by so we can get our picture taken. H: I prefer eating Kendall Jenner now. I know she’s not an official Kardashian. You could take her out, roast her and eat her. She’s as thin as a board—there’s not an ounce of fat on her. Really sweet eating. She’s basically beef jerky. Plus, we need Kim do our eye makeup, Khloe to get our coconuts and Kourtney’s gotta tell everyone what to do and be a bitch about it. It’ll be a new reality show on VH1. We’ll be on at, like, 1:16 a.m. for about ten minutes. ION: You’ll be working with “Make Me A Supermodel” contestant Ronnie Kroell at Splash Bash! J: We’re obsessed-icles for days about him! He’s hot as balls! Right, Hunter? H: Yes! Eating Out:1,00,000,002: Drama Camp! He’s so adorbs! His body is to die for! ION: Did you watch Ronnie’s Andrew Christian underwear commercial? H: We have that in common! Made an Andrew Christian commercial, too! We’re wearing underwear under seven pairs of Spanx, jeans, pantyhose, everything to cover it all up. I’m 132-pounds right now so I feel a little Fat. I looked at a loaf of break at Trader Joe’s yesterday for a half-hour. I’m feeling pretty guilty about that. ION: What does PRIDE mean to you? H: It’s an amazing time when everyone in the community can get together and communicate with people who don’t yet understand that there is a place for all of us here! And on top of that it means drinking yards and yards of frozen Cosmo-hitos!

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J: Although I don’t play on the team, I respect you! I lurve all things Gay! I don’t have many straight friends—they’re basically all Gay. I so proud to be an honorary Straight Ally! I love Pride because it’s such a ferosh time to whip out your fiercest outfits and just strut around all day looking like hot shit and get shitfaced and have fun!

New App

works offline !

H: We’ve been plucking, tucking, fluffing and waxing for weeks now in preparation for Pride in Phoenix, Arizona!

dance, drink, eat,sleep, shop, meet … events, maps and more …

ION: Hunter, you’ll be happy to learn that the official sponsor of Splash Bash is Tan United!

Updated monthly

H: Oh my god! I hope they pay me in Mystic Tan! ION: Final question—and it’s a tough one: In most small-scale, non-industrial societies, social organization is based largely on _________? H: Getting in the club, into the VIP Room and bottle service! J: What language are you speaking? Russian? I don’t understand ... ION: We’ll look forward to seeing you at the Tan United Splash Bash Pride Kick-Off Party on Friday, April 20 from noon-8 p.m., you two, and remember: what happens in the maid’s closet at the Radisson, stays in the maid’s closet at the Radisson! J: I have a tramp stamp that says that exact quote!

24,000 listings in143 countries worldwide, making it the most famous travel guide for gay men! www.spartacusworld.com

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MARTINIS & MANICURES

AMSTERDAM

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www.sedonapride.org PSSSTTT....

DiD you hear? SeDona haS So much GoinG on! follow Them on facebook & Tw iTTer To keeP uP an D GeT involeveD !

Great Arizona Dog Show Come catch the premiere pedigree and purebred pooches at the Great Arizona Dog Show! Terriers, spaniels, hounds and more will all compete for Best of Show in this competition of Man’s Best Friend! Top vendors will be there, too. It all happens at the University of Phoenix Stadium, April 5-9. 1 Cardinals Dr. in Glendale. For more info visit AZdogshow.com. $10. Arf!

Scottsdale Culinary Festival Food, glorious food! Hot sausage and mustard! Get out your knife & fork, it’s another feeding frenzy! The Scottsdale Culinary Festival and the Great American Picnic comes to town April 17-22. The Travel Channel’s piggies Andrew Zimmern & Adam Richman will be on hand at the Scottsdale Civic Center in Old Town. For tix & info visit ScottsdaleFest.org

Randomonium Tempe’s very own Four Peaks Brewery celebrates its 15th Birthday with an extravaganza featuring grown-up carnival rides including a zip-line, fabulous delicius gourmet food trucks, really loud live music and—of course—lots of Four Peaks craft beer as well as margaritas & sangria if you hate beer. $40. For tix and info visit Randomonium.com

April 2012 ION around town listings DATE EVENT / LOCATION CITY

thru 5 5-9 7 12-15 13-17 17-22 17 20-22 21 21 22 27-28 28 30-5/1

Phoenix Film Fest - Harkins Scotts. 101 Scottsdale Great AZ Dog Show Univ. of Phx Stadium Glenda Wingstock - Mesa Amphitheatre Mesa Arts & Flowers - Phx Art Museum Phoenix Maricopa County Fair - AZ State Fairgrounds Phoenix Scottsdale Culinary Fest - Scotts. Civic Ctr Scottsdale Talk Cinema - Scotts. Ctr. for the Arts Scottsdale AZ Tattoo Expo - Mesa Convention Ctr. Mesa AZ Derby Dames - Veteran’s Coliseum Phoenix Randomonium - Tempe Beach Park Tempe Earth Day World Phoenix Improv Festival - Herberger Theatre Phoenix Dining Out for Life Valleywide Tempe Festival of the Arts - Mill Ave Tempe April 2012 www.IONAZ.com 45

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NIGHTFUSE.COM PARTY BUS

PHOENIX

More PHOTOS at www.IONAZ.com

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Photography by Don Thompson Text by Deon Brown

veryone has a story. Some stories start on the other side of the world. Some start right here in Arizona. This year’s Prismatic Pride profiles show the very best our community has to offer, and just some of the people who make us extra proud.

athan works at SKY Engineering/Renewable Energy where he created a GLBT friendly work environment. He works with the Human Rights Campaign and he’s also on the Board of Directors for Equality Arizona. Nathan was a team captain for Barbra Seville’s Wonderful 100 for the Phoenix AIDS Walk. His goal for 2014 is to run for State Representative in the newly created District 24. All these things make Nathan our Rising Star of 2012!

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ucker up! Who would’ve figured that a couple of little kisses at the Phoenix Sheraton could create such a commotion? Kenyata and Aeimee proudly chose to rise above the fray. Still, their experience made headlines everywhere, and it’s now helping foster diversity and better understanding about the GLBTQ community.

he unstoppable Bob Hegyi: the Man, the Myth, the Legend! Since 1960 he’s been on the vanguard in Arizona for GLBTQ Rights. Bob founded Phoenix’ first GLBT community center, acted as our state’s AIDS Trust Fund Director in 1985, and an Honorary Phoenix Pride Grand Marshal in 2008. He is the volunteer receptionist at Southwest Center for HIV/AIDS. Bob is a Force of Nature and a fixture at any dance party with his tambourine, finger cymbals or fan. Lucky Bob lives with his partner, Mel Reese.

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ounded by Joe Dugandzic in 2010, QTalk Arizona has nine distinct podcast series in their network. QTalk is the only Gay podcast network in Arizona and one of the largest by in-house content in the nation, partnering with several local organizations to expand their outreach.

Pictured top row, Bradly McComb, co-host of TechnoBabble; Clayton & Marnie of The Show with Clayton McKee; Jacob Barros, 52

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host of KarCast. Next row: Dr. Dina Evan of The Dr. Dina Hour, Sundays at 2:30pm. Second row down, Claudine Wessel of Queers! Eat, Drink and Be Fabulous, Joe Dugandzic, host of Joe & Babe, TechnoBabble and Queers!, Seth Anderson, original host of What the Hell is Going on in Arizona? Sundays at 4pm. Front row: Babe Caylor, co-host of Joe and Babe, Saturdays at 1pm, Nathan Treanor, host of Nathan OUTloud and co-host of Queers! Learn more and listen at qtalkaz.com

he fabulous Alex from OZ Bar and Shelley from Cash Inn Country contributed their time and talent winning the annual Sexiest Bartender Contest at Apolloâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Lounge and helped, in part, to raise over $46K for 1n10.

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he lovely, new First Lady of Phoenix credits the memory of her late brother who was Gay and inspired her to stand up to bullying of all kinds and creating a platform to keep kids safe. She is a strong advocate of the arts and supports local, independent merchants and restaurants, believing in local sustainability. Mrs. Stanton is a successful lawyer; she and her husband, Phoenix Mayor Greg Stanton, have two beautiful children, Trevor and Violet, who will never be bullies!

F or 25 years Julie has been an GLBTQ activist around the world—

even helping organize the first Gay Pride Parade in Tokyo, Japan and creating women’s retreats there, too. Her contributions to Equality Arizona, H.E.R.O., No Longer Silent, GLSEN, 1n10, Q-Speak Theatre, the Maricopa Community Colleges’ OUT & UP Scholarship Program and Chancellor’s Advisory Committee, volunteer spirit and too much to list here make our superhero someone to sing about! Laurel Whitney is her partner.

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he dedication to the GLBTQ community of Phoenix—not to mention their outstanding talent— made Grecia Montes D’Occa and Jensen Dean an audience favorite and the judges’ choice to be chosen as Mister and Miss Phoenix Gay Pride.

oki is Mr. Phoenix Leather 2012 and an active member of the Phoenix Boys of Leather and serving as Treasurer. He is co-producer of the Hot ‘n’ Wild fundraiser for Logan’s Playground (a child watch center for pediatric HIV/AIDS) and member of the Planning team for Waxa-Bear, Stuff-a-Turkey (benefiting Logan’s Playground and Joshua Tree Feeding Program.) Loki also volunteers for Arizona Humane Society fundraisers and the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. “My life is pretty busy, but I’m always looking for more opportunities to help my community and share my passion and heart”

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Welcome to the 2012 Phoenix Pride Parade and Festival!

A very special “Thank You” goes out to all of our VOLUNTEERS, COMMUNITY PARTNERS, GENEROUS SPONSORS, EXHIBITORS and this FABULOUS COMMUNITY for your continued support of Phoenix Pride. And as always, THANK YOU to the members of the Phoenix Pride Board of Directors, Festival and Parade Committees and everyone who has volunteered in any capacity to help make our events a huge success. We celebrate and promote the history, diversity and future prosperity of the metro Phoenix LGBTQ community because we were “BORN THIS WAY”! FEEL IT, LIVE IT, BE IT! PROUD! HAPPY PRIDE to one and ALL! Sincerely, Brandi Sokolosky Brandi Sokolosky Executive Director, Phoenix Pride

QVEGAS.COM

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Florence + The Machine Hey, kids! Looks like Dog Days are Over! Good ol’ Florence brings her Machine with her and sings her ”lungs” (yes, I went there!) out on Friday, April 20! You can catch this carrot-topped English indie gal and her band at the Comerica Theatre at 400 W. Washington in downtown Phoenix. Tix at LiveNation.com or call 602-379-2888

Yo-Yo Ma Nobody to “toy” with, the fabulous cellist Yo-Yo Ma’s career is always evolving in a desire for personal and artistic growth and renewal. He performs with pianist Kathryn Stott, Sergio & Odair Assad for an evening of Latin American music. Sunday, April 22 at the Mesa Arts Center, 1 E. Main St. Call 480-644-6500 or go to MesaArtsCenter.com for details & tickets.

The Rat Pack Is Back! Ah, the good ol’ days in Vegas! Gambling, prostitution, the Mafia ... well, most of it hasn’t changed. But way before Wayne Newton had a foothold, the town belonged to Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Sammy Davis, Jr. at The Sands Casino. They may be takin’ a dirt nap now, but you can relive the magic with these vocal impersonators on April 26 at the Mesa Arts Center at 1 E. Main St. in Mesa or April 27-29 at Symphony Hall. 75 N. 2nd St. in Phoenix.

APRIL 2012 ION Concert Calendar DATE 2 13 13-15 14 20 22 22 24-29 26 27 27 27-29

ARTIST LOCATION Dev with Wynter Gordon Martini Ranch Eddie Vedder Comerica Theatre Orfeo et Eurydice - AZ Opera Symphony Hall Kansas Wild Horse Pass Casino Florence + The Machine Comerica Theatre Engelbert Humperdinck Wild Horse Pass Casino Yo-Yo Ma Mesa Arts Center Green Day’s American Idiot - ASU Gammage The Rat Pack! Mesa Arts Center Celtic Woman Comerica Theatre Roberta Flack Wild Horse Pass Casino The Rat Pack! /w Phx Symphony Symphony Hall

PHONE 800-745-3000 602-379-2888 602-266-7464 877-840-0457 602-379-2888 877-840-0457 480-644-6500 480-965-3434 480-644-6500 602-379-2888 877-840-0457 602-262-7272

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www.IONAZ.com April 2012

Green Day’s American Idiot Sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll! Really loud rock ‘n’ roll! The youthful malaise of the Prez Bush #2 Era is set to the punk(ish) music of Green Day. The plot: parental restrictions and a pregnant girlfriend push angst-riddled kids into the big city. Fortunately they have guitars and leather jackets! See it all unfold April 24-29 at ASU Gammage, 1400 S. Forest Ave. in Tempe. Visit ASUGammage or call 480-965-3434 for tix & info.

Wanda Sykes She’s appeared in movies and TV sitcoms and you all know her and love her as That Sassy Black Girl whom we all secretly wish was our BFF. Out & Open, Sykes brings her own sarcastic, bad-ass self to town Friday, April 27 at the Celebrity Theatre, 440 N. 32nd St. in Phoenix. Call 602-267-1600 or visit CelebrityTheatre.com for more info & tix.

The Altar Boyz This hilarious musical about a struggling Christian (and one Jew) boy-band trying to make it in the Big Apple and preach the Gospel of the Good Book while avoiding the evil temptations abounding in The Big City. Not only that, it stars the handsome Stephen Serna and the delicious Ben Whitneybell. Hallelujah! PTL! Reserve your pew at Desert Stages Theatre, 4720 N. Scottsdale Rd. Tix: 480-483-1664

APRIL 2012 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE EVENT LOCATION 6-7 Cedric the Entertainer StandUp Live thru 15 Body Awareness Actor’s Theatre 6-22 Ragtime Mesa Arts Ctr. 13-22 Ain’t Nothin’ but the Blues Black Theatre Troupe 13-5/12 How to Succeed in Business Desert Stages Theatre thru 15 Body Awareness Actor’s Theatre 17-22 Motherhood: the Musical Mesa Arts Ctr. 19-55 Much Ado About Nothing SW Shakespeare Co 20 Craig Ferguson Wild Horse Pass Casino 20-5/17 Tarzan: the Musical AZ B’way Theatre 24-29 Green Day’s American Idiot ASU Gammage 25-20 Dream a Little Dream Phoenix Theatre 27 Wanda Sykes Celebrity Theatre 27-28 Wayne Brady StandUp Live 28 Sarah Vowell Scotts. Ctr. for the Arts thru 5/20 The Altar Boyz Desert Stages Theatre 5/4-5/5 Dana Carvey StandUp Live

PHONE 602-719-6100 602-253-6701 480-644-6500 602-258-8128 480-483-1664 602-253-6701 480-644-6500 480-641-7039 800-840-2457 623-776-8400 480-965-3434 602-254-2451 602-267-1600 480-719-6100 480-499-TKTS 480-483-1664 480-719-6100

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WTF Happened with

Willam?

Drag Race SCANDAL! by by Deon Deon Brown Brown 78

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he LOGO TV juggernaut RuPaul’s Drag Race left audiences gasping last month when Season Four’s controversial frontrunner Willam was unceremoniously disqualified, dismissed and dissed by the legendary Drag Superstar herself under thinly veiled threat of scandal. Huh? What happened? What’s the tea, girlfriend? ION Arizona had a chat with Willam Belli about his experience Drag Race, Mama Ru’s shocking dismissal, and his new haute couture Fashion Guru, Phoenix’s own David Sheflin, and that pesky Phi Phi O’Hara. “I’m flattered that there’s any interest in me at all,” Willam said. “I feel like such a novelty but it’s so much fun!” ION: Did you feel like you showcased your best looks? Anything you regret not wearing? W: I had one gown—not designer, but really pretty—and one Bob Mackie piece I wanted to wear. I was really happy with my outfit selections; I wouldn’t have changed anything that I wore the runway. Even the dress that I didn’t wear panties with. (It’s Patricia Fields. Dida Ritz said, “That’s a cute top, girl!” and I said, “This? This is a dress!” The shoes were Miu-Miu.) I couldn’t wear panties because it’s a sheer dress with sequins; panties would’ve looked stupid. I didn’t expect to lip-sych, either. I didn’t learn any of the words—I just

danced around, flashing my cookie. I call it my ‘Pants Off, Dance Off.’ ION: Now, about RuPaul’s decision ... W: You can’t buy this kind of ‘Dirty Little Secret’ press! I love it! Working with Ru was one of the best times of my life, second only to working with Ryan Murphy of Nip/Tuck; that was my favorite job ever. I have no ill feelings toward anybody on the show. I broke all the rules and I admitted it to everybody. Nobody came and said, “We heard about this.” Nobody tattled on me. It was me saying, “I broke these rules.” ION: Okay, what was it? W: I had a late term abortion. (Laughs) When I win the New Now Next award for ‘Most Addictive Reality Star’ I’m gonna tell everybody. ION: You’re such an advocate of The Power of Positive Thinking. W: I read the first three pages of Dianetics and I thought, “this Scientology shit has got to go,” but they do have some good ideas. ION: Phi Phi O’Hara: Friends or foes? W: We are ‘phine’—spell that with a ‘ph!’ It was a game; she was playing how she wanted and I was playing how I wanted. April 2012 www.IONAZ.com 79

photo by Mathu Anderson LOGO TV She’s very protective of her career and her image; I don’t begrudge her at all. She did appear a little angry at times. We both have similar upbringings from abuse in our past and troubles as kids. It’s strange that PhiPhi would say I’m so talentless and the only thing I can do is buy shoes. Just wait ‘til you hear me sing, girl! I don’t mind being kicked off—er, ‘disqualified’—I won a singing and dancing competition, hands down. And it wasn’t that Latrice and I were the ‘least bad,’ we were the best. I hope everybody gets to a place where I am where I am so healed, so good and so cool with everything. I choose to accept joy and not dwell on the past. If someone calls me a loser? That’s cool. ION: What are you working on? W: I don’t think there’s enough activism in my generation. I volunteer at the Gay/ Lesbian Center here in town; I wish activism was as prevalent as Deisel Jeans. Right now I’m focusing on my music. I have a song called, “Chow Down at Chick-Fil-A.” It’s my protest song about Chick-Fil-A’s Christian-right attitudes. These people hate us! This 80

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90-year-old billionaire in Atlanta wishes I was not on this earth because of what I do in the bedroom with the man I’m married to. His Spicy Chicken Sandwich really did give me ‘sting ring.’ I had diarrhea. Too spicy. Too spicy! ION: What would you like readers to know about you? W: I used to be a really fat kid. I was over 200 pounds at 5’3” when I was 13. Maybe I show my body and take a lot of pride in my appearance is because I didn’t look so good for over half of my life. ION: Local fashion curator and style maven David Sheflin is slated to collaborate with you and dress you with selections from his collection of classic vintage couture. W: I’ll just let him make me his Barbie doll! ION: What Barbie would you be? Malibu Barbie? First Lady Barbie? W: I’d be left out on the porch in the rain. Put in the dog’s mouth. I’d be a little tore up. Probably no panties on. Plastic genitalia parts out. I’d be the kinky Barbie, the one that looks like, ‘Oh, she had a good time last night!’ I’d be that Barbie. The one you can’t get a brush through her hair.

Saturdays at icepics Get a little glamour in your life! Saturday nights are a little bit more glittery at icepics videobar! The fabulous Olivia Gardens and Friends light up the stage April 7 & 21. A very special event happens on April 14 with the Miss Gay Arizona USofAat-Large 2012 pre-show. Get a “Touch of Soul” on April 28 with Maraya Jordan. $4 SKYY Vodka cocktails during the shows! 3108 E. McDowell Rd. 602-267-8707

APRIL 2012 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE

TIME LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S)

Sun 8 2:00pm Apollo’s Sun 8 8:00pm Apollo’s Sun 8 11am & 1pm The Rock Thurs 12 9:00pm Roscoe’s Fri 13 icepics Fri 13 10:00pm The Rock Sat 14 icepics Sun 15 8:00pm Apollo’s Tues 17 10:30pm Karamba Fri 20 10:00pm The Rock Sun 22 8:00pm Apollo’s Sun 22 Karamba Sun 22 7:00pm The Rock Fri 27 10:00pm The Rock Sun 29 8:30pm icepics Sun 29 8:00pm Apollo’s

Baskets & Bonnets Imperial Court Show Tequila Nights with Tyra Marie Barbra’s Easter Brunch Show Gong Karaoke with Phaedra Imperial Sovereign Court Friday the 13th Party An Evening in The Cage with the Gender Outlaws Miss Gay Arizona USofA at Large 2012 Pre-Show Project Hard Hat Benefit Savannah’s Spring Break Show An Evening with The Outlaws Cougar Cabaret Diamond’s Special Pride Show ArizonaDrag.com presents ECLIPSE Lady Christian’s Trailer Trash Revue Men of STRUT Barbra Sevilles That Time Of The Month Show

Mondays 9:00pm Tuesdays 8:00pm Tuesdays 8:00pm Tuesdays 10:30pm Wednesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 10:30pm Wednesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 10:30pm Wednesdays 10:00pm Thursdays 10:30pm Fridays 9:00pm Fridays 10:00pm Fridays 10:30pm Fridays 9:00pm Saturdays 9:00pm Saturdays 10:30p Saturdays 10:00pm Saturdays 10:00pm Saturdays 9:30pm 1st & 3rd Sun. 12:30pm Sundays 8:30pm Sundays 8:30pm Sundays 10:30pm 2nd Sunday

Ru Paul viewing party/drag bingo Kendra’s Big Top The Stage is Yours with Mia Inez Adams (sign up by 7:30) Salsa Tuesdays with Savannah Moussier Viva La Diva with Janee Star The End Zone with Carlita Jackson Barbra Seville Open Wide Wednesdays Steppin’ Out with TC Claudia B. & Company Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds Absolutely Flawless with China Collins An Evening with The Outlaws Miss Dottie Pepper Elements 7 Deadly Sins - followed by Mandi BoomBoom Starrletts with Janee Star Mia Inez Adam’s Saturday Night Madness The Barbra Seville Show The Olivia Gardens Show / A Touch of Soul with Maraya Jordan Pussy’s Patio Show Sunday Morning Madness with Miss Dottie Pepper FAGtv with Dianna K. Shane Pussy LeHoot & Friends Diamond’s Show Happy Hour with Susan Artemis

Apollo’s BS West Cruisin’ 7th Karamba IBT’s Roscoe’s Karamba The Rock Cruisin’ 7th Charlie’s Karamba IBT’s The Rock Cruisin’ 7th BS West IBT’s Cruisin’ 7th The Rock icepics Charlie’s Cruisin’ 7th icepics Charlie’s Karamba Woody’s

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by Jackson David Kelly jacksonkelly@cox.net

Yo, DJ! What’s New?

his month find new material from The Mars Volta, Rascal Flatts, Nikki Minaj (reloaded), Bonnie Raitt, Jack White, Monica, Train, SWV, Morgan Page and Neon Trees as well as these …

DEV

Night the Sun Came up While making a splash worldwide, DEV hopes to land a spot in your IPod with a stateside release of hew debut. Though many compare her style to Ke$ha, she’s that plus Lily Allen and M.I.A. all while being smarter, vocally superior and stronger lyrically. The catchy “Dancing Shoes” with its drive with the top down feel shines best here. Also of note are the lead single “In the Dark” with its Robin S/Nightcrawlers sax flashback and the bubbly “Me.” Then there’s the orchestral midtempo song “Perfect Match” with its almost perfect juxtaposition of this album in one. GRADE: B

Jason Mraz

Love is a Four Letter Word Its’ been four years since “I’m Yours” owned the charts. This time, Jason gives you something more personal, melodic and chilled. Gone are the instant hooks that made you hum and present are the mellow songs that sound like lullabies. There are a few mid tempo songs to keep you movin’, but overall this album screams, “introspective.” Lead single “I Won’t Give Up” proves soft with its lackluster appeal as does the featured “Woman I Love.” It’s the lush and more produced “World As I See It” where we get saved. One thing’s for sure, however; Mraz live with this material will surely breathe instant love. GRADE: C+

Adam Lambert

Trespassing Not winning American Idol was the best thing for Adam. While “Entertainment” was good, it was too much of everything. This time, Lambert shows better cohesion. Though lead single “Better Than I Know” sounds safe, it’s unlike the rest of the album and offers a great intro to the rest of his project. As expected, Adam’s vocal range and prowess is most impressive. Tracks of choice prove to be “Cuckoo” with its bass pumping, electropop sound as well as the somber and dark “Underneath— this albums’ “Soaked.” Also find greatness in the stylistic “Broken English,” the collaboration with Bruno Mars and the Pharrell meets Queen title track. GRADE: B

Dar Williams

In the Time of Gods. For something different, check out the newest release by what The New Yorker has esteemed as “One of America’s very best songwriters.” This, her ninth album all at the mature yet insightful age of 45, delivers big time. Combine folk and bluegrass with the likes of McLaughlin, Shawn Colvin, Paula Cole and Sheryl and you get the idea of what this pioneer is all about. Too many tracks to mention, but “Write this Number Down” finds the perfect balance between a haunting guitar riff and Dar’s soothing vocals all while “Summerchild,” “Light & Sea” and the somber “I Will Free Myself” all give amazing support. GRADE: A

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www.IONAZ.com April 2012

by Kimberly M. Ruff kimberlymruff@yahoo.com

Stay for the Pie Titanic (1997)

American Reunion

Starring: Kate Winslet, Leonardo DiCaprio, Billy Zane On April 15, 1912, the largest ship afloat, the passenger liner the RMS Titanic, sank in the North Atlantic Ocean after colliding with an iceberg, costing the lives of 1,517 souls—nearly 70% of her passenger capacity. 85 years later, the tragic tale of her ill-fated maiden voyage was brought to life by director, James Cameron (Avatar). In this fictionalized account, Kate Winslet stars as Rose DeWitt Bukater, a wealthy member of high society betrothed to Billy Zane’s Cal Hockley, who meets and falls in love with Jack Dawson (DiCaprio) on Titanic’s transatlantic journey. One of the highest grossing films of all time (until the release of Avatar twelve years later), Titanic and its heartbreaking love story are among one of the most easily recognizable and equally oft-parodied films of all times. On the 100th Anniversary of the original disaster that inspired the disaster movie that catapulted its two leads into the limelight (and led to a lot of people saying to my publisher, “Hey, Jack, you know who you look like?”), Titanic returns to the big screen. Will it tank, or will it make as big of a splash as it did back in 1997? (Oh yes, you bet those puns were intended!) Release Date: April 15, 2012

Starring: Jason Biggs, Alyson Hannigan, Chris Klein, Seann William Scott, Tara Reid Thirteen years ago, American audiences were delighted and entertained by a young Jason Biggs as Jim Levenstein pleasuring himself with the aid of a homemade pastry in the name of sexual exploration (at least, for his character) and comedy (for us). Within minutes, we began calling attractive older women “MILF”s, tearing out pictures of Tara Reid and Shannon Elizabeth from the nearest magazine to tape the inside of our lockers, and quietly speculating on how exactly a female would derive satisfaction from inserting a woodwind into her nether regions. Shortly thereafter, society as we knew it collapsed. Since such time, there have been eight total installations in the American Pie franchise, four of which (including this one) focus on the original cast. And surprisingly, since not a whole lot has come to pass for any of them since their decision to be caught in flagrante delicto in a teen sex movie, they’ve all agreed to return. Luckily, if you’re fans of the Christopher Guest recurring cast list, Jennifer Coolidge and Eugene Levy also return, so at least there’s that bit of silver lining. Release Date: April 6, 2012

April 2012 www.IONAZ.com 85

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www.IONAZ.com April 2012

by Wes Bergman wesobergman@yahoo.com

The Christine Jorgensen Story Starring: John Hansen, Oscar Beregi, Jr., and Other B-Movie Actors One from the Vaults: In February 1953, Christine Jorgensen, a native New Yorker and former U.S. soldier, returned from Denmark a woman. Six months earlier, Jorgensen had left the states for Sweden as George, but after a fortuitous stopover in Denmark, met Dr. Christian Hamburger who would end up taking her case and seeing her through her lifechanging sexual reassignment surgery. While she was by no means the first male-to-female transsexual, her case is groundbreaking: she was the first transsexual to engage in hormone replacement therapy— a huge part of the transformative process, and she was easily the most unabashedly public transsexual, which was revolutionary at a time when the phenomenon was new and not well understood. Her strength and bravery did a lot for the community, and for that, she is a true hero. Unfortunately, her journey and strength of character don’t exactly translate in the 1970 film, released on DVD last October. Both, biographical and fictionalized for narrative cohesion, it lacks all of the raw power of that era’s films and instead comes across as an

Trans & Trans Ed Wood-esque 1950s B-Movie. In fact, it would have been better had they simply changed the title of Glen or Glenda to George or Christine. Still, it is the only film we have thus far to depict (however inaccurately) the life of Christine Jorgensen and that alone makes it worth seeing.

American Translation (2011) Billed as the French equivalent of Bonnie & Clyde, American Translation also boasts a couple entrenched in a psycho-sexual relationship, a missing moral compass and a crime spree, but that’s where the similarities end. Pierre Perrier plays Chris, a self-involved, utterly despicable hedonist on par with the protagonist in American Psycho who revels in seducing—and then glory killing—Gay male prostitutes. Entre Aurore (Brochere), a FrancoAmerican trust fund baby with serious daddy issues who starts up with Chris if for no other reason than to spite her father. After she discovers Chris’ dark secret, she does what any rational person does: she marries him. I’ll drop the sarcasm and cut straight to the heart of the matter—unless you appreciate gratuitous, utterly pointless nudity, this movie isn’t worth the time. And again: what’s up with the title? It feels like a musician releasing an album entitled, “Untitled.” Something’s missing. Alongside a decent script, of course. April 17, TLA Releasing April 2012 www.IONAZ.com 89

www.IONAZ.com March 2012

ummer’s nearly here. Maybe you can’t make it to Miami’s South Beach, sipping mojitos surrounded by suntanned hotties in an exclusive cabaña at the Raleigh, the Delano or the Carlyle hotels. You’re in Phoenix, Arizona! If you can’t make it to Ocean Drive, you can always take a trip down to Central Avenue to the freshly inaugurated, cool, casual Miami Café, next to Amsterdam and presenting a chic, stylish dining option for downtowners. The menu is fresh and refreshing. Simply presented, everything is genuinely chosen with special attention to honest ingredients and preparation. Nothing frilly. Nothing outlandish. Very satisfying!

Miami Café Help yourself to one of five Paninis on your choice of focaccia or ciabatta. Our favorite is the Caribbean Jerk Chicken, featuring a generously-sized, deliciously spiced (not spicy-hot) jerk chicken breast grilled with pepper jack cheese, pineapple and red onion, served with a ramekin of a mindboggling carrot salad (I wish there was more, hint, hint!) Most panini are only $8.50. Not bad at all. You won’t leave hungry. Eight different 12-inch stonefired pizzas round out the menu. The Crab & Artichoke pizza, starring starring their special, seasoned crab mix recipe spread on top of a white pizza with artichokes and finely minced scallions. Not fishy, but you’ll definitely be picturing yourself by the seaside with this beauty.

Five salads are available. The tropical Miami Mango with avocado, oranges and fresh, creamy mango rest on a bed of baby lettuce and topped with raspberry vinaigrette. Another great choice is the Goat Cheese & Pear, including tomatoes, cranberries, candied walnuts in a spring lettuce mix with balsamic dressing. Miami Café’s salads are large and generous, and only $8, except the House Salad at $7. Add chicken for only $3. April 2012 www.IONAZ.com 91

gourmet, but with the modest price of $12 it’s the most expensive. Ask about

Definitely

The Little Italy ‘za is generously studded with premium mozzarella, pepperoni and sliced Italian Sausage. A carnivore’s favorite, modestly priced at only $9. If you’re Vegetarian, Miami Café has several kind-to-animal options with a Vegetarian Panini and several different pizzas, so everyone has a choice. In addition to Amsterdam’s top-shelf bar, you’ll also have a thoughtfully chosen wine

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April 2012

list. The café is capably managed by the charming César Rodriguez. Ask about Chef Specials. Word is a Sunday Brunch is on the way. That’d be the icing on the fabulous Lemoncello Cake they serve. Enjoy sidewalk dining during our too-brief spring. You may be rewarded when a sexy jogger sprints by—just like at Miami Beach—and at a fraction of the price. 714 N. Central Ave. Sun-Thurs. 4:30 p.m.-midnight Fri & Sat. 4:30 p.m.-2 a.m. 602-258-6122

April 2012 www.IONAZ.com 93

by Rob Hoffman

She knew everything. She knew what to do when I broke my arm. She taught me how to read. She taught me to not fall for my sisters’ dirty hide-and seek tricks.

adore Easter. Spring has arrived. Flowers start to blossom. You can even smell the freshness. And I didn’t even mention the candy! Chocolate bunnies, jellybeans, chocolate eggs, creme-filled eggs, marshmallow peeps, dark chocolate, semi-sweet chocolate, milk chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate. When I was a child, my mother would buy three large Easter baskets for me and my two sisters. She would fill those things way above the brim with all sorts of chocolates and candies and leave them for us on the dining room table, where the Easter Bunny always left the baskets. “Why does the Easter Bunny leave the baskets on the dining room table, mom?” I asked one year. “Why does he leave them there and not in our rooms or something?” “Well,” my mother replied, “he doesn’t leave them in your room because he’s afraid he’d wake you, and if he saw you, then he’d have to kill you.” “What?” I asked, incredulous. “Yes, you see, if anyone sees the Easter Bunny, he has to kill him. Same goes for Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, too” my mother declared. I never stayed up late again on Christmas Eve, the night before Easter, or a night I lost a tooth. It’s a wonder I haven’t spent decades in therapy. Of course I believed her. She was my mother. 94

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April 2012

Ann: Here, Robert, hide in the closet. Barbara will never find you! Me: Okay, Ann! An hour later, I’d still be in there. Closet. Figures. So when my mother told me that the Easter Bunny and Santa and the Tooth Fairy would kill me, I believed it! I spent many a holiday eve trying to force myself to sleep, sweating through my pajamas as the hours ticked by, wondering if this was the night I’d get stabbed by the Easter Bunny or hacked to death by Santa Claus. It always made the actual holiday that much sweeter. If I woke up, I knew I’d made it through the night, so I’d get to celebrate not only with a basket of candy, or a load of toys, but also with the knowledge that I had several more months to live. Unless, of course, I lost a tooth.

I didn’t realize my mother was stealing my

chocolate for years. Then one day after Easter, I came home and I was going to my Easter basket to sneak a little chocolate. I tiptoed through the kitchen and turned into the dining room and there was my mother, chewing on something. She turned and saw me, and I froze in my tracks. My mother froze in midchew. I was caught trying to sneak candy before dinner. I was dead. My mother didn’t say anything. She just stood there looking at me, so I said, “What are you eating?” “Nuffin’,” my mother said around a mouthful of something. “Nothing?” I asked, unbelieving. My mother shook her head and tried to slyly chew what was in her mouth. “If it’s nothing,” I demanded, “let me smell your breath!” My mother turned on her heel and fled the room, saying between chews and chocolate, “Get out of here!” After that day, I took to hiding my candy in various parts of the house. Of course, I’d have to change my hiding place every so often because my mother would find my stash and I’d find myself a couple of Hershey bars and some candy kisses short of what I’d left there. _ Robert Hofmann is the author of three books, Surrounded by Insanity, An Ordinary Madness, and his latest, One Brain Cell Away from Retarded. He lives in Wilton Manors, Florida, with his partner of 16 years and welcomes email from readers at robshof@aol.com.

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This award-winning resort is nestled at the foot of majestic Camelback Mountain. Enjoy a day of Kasbah pool fun, & our own DJ dance tunes. Belvedere Vodka and food specials. Drawings for prizes provided by Montelucia and Belvedere Vodka. Make it a gay pride weekend by booking special rate of $175/ night inclusive of resort fee (free internet, gym) and self parking.

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Call (888) 627-3010, ask for reservations and mention PHOENIX SOCIAL CLUB to receive this incredible rate Saturday 4/21 (limited supply) or Sunday 4/22 Phoenix Social Club is a fun-loving not-for-profit organization which organizes new opportunities for gay people to socialize and build a more cohesive community in Phoenix, Arizona. Find more info at www.PhoenixSocialClub.com

nything worth having is worth fighting for. Without a struggle, without a few bruises, you’ll never know Victory. You’ll never know what PRIDE is really about. Only then will you realize that you are a ChampION. April 2012 www.IONAZ.com 99

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Our goals are for every client to know that they have been provided with the best quality photography services available. Our objectives are to employ the best professional practices with honesty and commitment. To develop partnerships with clients, so they know their photography needs are being met. To apply our working knowledge and experience to each job so that every job is a success for our business and our clients. We strive to be an educated, proper and respectful representative of the photography industry.

www.thompsonimage.com

Hoodie, Shorts, and Warm-ups available at TU Collection Gatorade Water Bottle & Towel Available from Sports Authority

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Board Shorts from TU Collection Austin Headâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s outfit his own.

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Photography by Jerry Oâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;Conner | Direction by Joey Sarandos & Kevin Bushaw | Art by Tom King & Kevin Bushaw Special effects, hair and makeup by Courtney Leavitt | Austin Head Self-styled Clothing available at TU Collection & Sports Authority. Special Thanks to TU Collection at Tan United, Guitar Center, Rob Salvato, and Mike Fornelli. Models are Ricky from BS West, David, DJ Urban and Austin Head. 106

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APRIL 2012

Vol. 5, Issue 11

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

Sheraton Will “Kiss ‘n’ Tell at Phoenix Pride OUTRAGEOUS!

manages Sheraton Hotels. “We’re totally PHOENIX—Sheraton Hotels slogan asks, down with the Gays! We’re gonna have “Who’s taking care of you?” That’s what Gay kissing, Lesbian kissing, even Bisexual the GLBT community is wondering. In kissing for those folks who can’t make addition to their hospitality, room service, up their mind! Heck, we might even have evening turn-down service with mint on a drag queen or two who’ll give you a your pillow at night, the hotel chain giant smooch—if that’s what blows your dress surprised Valley of the Sun residents of the up. We’ll have lots of hot guys and gals on GLBT community when they promised hand with a tube Chapstick in one hand and a “Gay Kiss ‘n Tell Booth” at this year’s ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL a bottle of Listerine in the other!” Sheraton Phoenix Pride at Steele Indian School promises, “We want to be your Kiss ‘n’ Tell Park featuring a four-star kissing booth. Hotel! Wait ... let me rephrase that ...” Execs The downtown Phoenix hotel was subject say that there may even be a few beds in to scorching criticism after a spate of back of the booth for the extra-amorous. negative press concerning their treatment of same-sex guests who chastely shared The Maricopa County Public Health affection in their dining room. Services will have a tent next to the Sheraton’s Kiss ‘n’ Tell Booth to test “It’ll be spectacular!” gushed one for Mononucleosis and distributing free anonymous Public Relations representative Herpecin Lip Balm. of the Starwood Hotel Group, who

OUTRAGEOUS!

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Come see what weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re all about with one month of fRee SWImmInG! Visit us online for swim locations, swim times and to find out more about the Sunfish.

www.phxsunfish.org Support the Sunfish at Pride, April 21-22, by visiting our Beverage Booth!

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OUTRAGEOUS!

Old Jersey Now “New Whitney”

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

TRENTON—In a surprising announcements, New Jersey’s morbidly obese governor George Christie announced that state’s legislature elected to change ANY RESEMBLANCE the name of the state from ‘New Jersey’ to ‘New Whitney’ to honor the memory of the late pop singer who died this past Feb. 11.

with her thenhusband.

“The old nickname of ‘The Garden State’ will be expunged,” said New Whitney’s representatives the State TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLYfrom ACCIDENTAL Bureau of Tourism. “Now we’re known as ‘The Crack is Whack State.’ All license plates will reflect this.” The state motto ‘Liberty and Prosperity’ officially changed “We were to ‘It’s Not Right, overwhelmed But It’s OK.’ with the news A statue of the of Houston’s famous songbird ANY RESEMBLANCE TO TRUTH IS IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL sudden passing,” will be erected on ANY RESEMBLANCE TOTHE THE TRUTH TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL said an anonymous representative from top of the State House in Trenton and the the Governor’s press corps. “Due to her MTV reality series focusing on reprobate enormous contribution to music, it only ‘Juiceheads’ and ‘Guidettes’ will be retitled, seemed right and appropriate to change the Whitney Shore. name of the state to ‘New Whitney.” Opponents of the state’s controversial name Houston’s tremendous vocals and colorful change wanted to rename the state after life provided plenty of fodder for tabloid, Jersey-born Broadway/TV actress Bebe newspapers and television, including the Neuwirth calling it, “New Neuwirth” just zany reality show Being Bobby Brown because it sounds funny.

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

OUTRAGEOUS! Tin Man, Grinch, Baboon Report on Cheney’s Heart

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

FALLS CHURCH, Va.— Former Vice President Dick Cheney, 71, received a heart transplant at Inova Fairfax Hospital recently after being on a donor’s list for nearly two years. Cheney suffered from a history of heart events.

indication of even wanting one.”

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

The conniving Grinch, who once stole Christmas, underwent cardiac rehabilitation enabling his heart to grow three times its original size in one day. His research reports, “The son-of-a-bitch never, ever had a heart. Not IS even a small, black one,” he said. His Celebrated experts in the field of THE Cardiac ANY RESEMBLANCE TO TRUTH TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL findings are also recorded and confirmed in Replacement Surgery and Therapy, Tin the noted Whoville Journal of Medicine. Man, Grinch and a baboon all weighed in on the transplant surgery for the greedy, nasty, vicious, mean-spirited Veep Cheney. The great-grand-baboon descended from the primate whose heart was transplanted into “Reviewing the patient’s charts and cardiac Baby Fae in 1984 issued a series of grunts and shrieks that sounded a lot like, “Ooog, history,” said Tin Man who received a ooog, ooog! SKREE! SKREE! SKREE!” 17-jewel Swiss movement heart in the Banner Emerald City Hospital, “I find it which nobody really understood, but it difficult to see any evidence that he ever certainly did not sound like any kind of an endorsement of the procedure to us. had a heart to begin with. He shows no

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

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IONARIZONA 1.

Alpha Boys Cabaret

1702 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

Amsterdam

718 N. Central Ave. - Downtown PHX (602) 258-6122

2303 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 956-2885

Anvil Apollo’s

5749 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

(602) 277-9373

Bar 1

3702 N. 16th St. - Phoenix

(602) 266-9001

Bliss / Rebar

901 N. 4th St. - Phoenix

(602) 795-1792

BS West

7125 E. 5th Ave. - Scottsdale

(480) 945-9028

Bunkhouse

4428 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 200-9154

Cash Inn

2140 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 244-9943

10. Charlie’s

727 W. Camelback Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 265-0224

11. Club 24

2424 E. Thomas Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 334-1462

12. Cruisin’ 7th 13. Dick’s Cabaret

3702 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

(602) 212-9888

3432 E. Illini Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 274-DICK

14. FLEX Men’s Club

1517 S Black Canyon Hwy - Phoenix

(602) 271-9011

15. Friends

1028 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix (602) 277-7729

16. icepics videobar

3108 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 267-8707

17. Karamba

1724 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 254-0231

18. Kobalt

3110 N. Central Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 264-5307

19. NuTowne Saloon

5002 East Van Buren St. - Phoenix

(602) 267-9959

20. OZ

1804 W. Bethany Home Rd. - Phoenix (602) 242-5114

21. Plazma

1560 E. Osborn Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 266-0477

22. Rainbow Cactus

15615 N. Cave Creek Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 971-1086

23. The Rock 24. Roscoe’s

4129 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 248-8559

4531 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

(602) 285-0833

25. ZOAN (formerly Z Girl)

4301 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 265-3233

26. IBT’S See map on pg 120

616 N. 4th Ave. - Tucson

(520) 882-3053

27. Woody’s See map on pg 120 3710 N. Oracle Rd. - Tucson

Recommended

(480) 374-3222

(520) 292-3702

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4th AVE street fair

IBTâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S

Photos by Danny Catt

April 2012 www.IONAZ.com 123

IONBAR GUIDE PHOENIX

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

Alpha Boys

Dollar Dances Specials all night

2-4-1 VIP Dances

Amsterdam|Miami

Happy Hour $3 Smirnoff/$2 Beer Food served until 2apm

Kiki Vermont $3 Smirnoff Food served until 2apm

Karaoke 1/2 OFF for Arts & Industry

Apollo’s

2-4-1 well & domestic 4pm-10pm

$5 red cup/50¢ refills 10a-10p Karaoke 9pm

$5 red cup/50¢ refills 10a-10p Male Strippers 10:30pm

Bar 1

10a-4p $2 well/ Bud Lt draft HH 4-7 $2.50 well, bottle & draft

10a-4p $2 well/ Bud Lt draft $2 dom bottle 6-9p

Shirtless Sundays! $1.25 Bud Light draft w/ shirt off

Happier Hour 3-6:30p 2-4-1well $5 martinis-$3 all beer & h wine

Brunch 10am-2pm $4 Bloody $3 glass or $10 mimosas pitch

Sunday Chill 2-7pm 2-4-1 alcohol / $10 bucket beer

BS West

Elements Show 10pm $3 u-call it beer & $5 cocktails

2-4-1 All Day and All Night Go-go boys, extended patios

Karaoke with Brock @ 9:30p Drink Specials

Charlie’s

$3 pitchers/2-4-1 well/dom 2-7p $1 Happy Hour 7-9p/Afterhours

$3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 12-7p $1 Happy Hour 7-9p/Afterhours

Volleyball 4-7pm, NEW 3-4-1 $3 Long Islands, $3 pitchers

Club 24

2-4-1 Well 3-10pm Open 3pm-2am

2-4-1 Well 3-10pm MALE STRiPPERS! 8:30pm

Cruisn’ 7th

Dotty Fridays 10:30 pm 2-4-1 Well 6-9pm

Stripper Saturdays 4:30 pm Fabulous Mia Saturdays 10:30

Morning Madness 1st & 3rd Sun $3 Svedka cocktails 7p-close

Dick’s Cabaret

2-4-1 VIP Dances 7pm ‘til 9pm

Off the Hook Tons of Prizes & Giveaways

2-4-1 Cover Charge, Dances & VIP Wristbands

$3 Pomegranate Presses Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

$3 Bottle Beer & Tequila Shot Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

$3 Brunch Drinks 50% off bottles of wine

R Bliss / ReBAR

R FEZ Friends

Sunday Brunch 10am-2pm $12.50 Mimosa & Bloody Mary Specials

H.H. FREE Appetizers 5-7pm Freeky Friday w/Celia Putty

icepics

MEAT - Hot Go Go Dancers $2.50 dom / $3 well / $4 Lg Isl.

Drag Show $4 SKYY cocktails 10pm

Show Tunes Sundays 2pm-8pm 2-4-1 drinks

Karamba

Vaquero Fridays 9pm-11pm Reverse Happy Hour $2 drinks

Top 40 Saturdays 9pm-11pm Reverse Happy Hour $2 drinks

Top 40 Sundays Diamond Show $3 Pitcher Beer Bust

R Maizie’s

Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

Happy Hour Brunch 9a-2p 3-6pm Everyday

Brunch All Day Closes at 4pm

R Mi Patio

Fridays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Saturdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Sundays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

OZ Bar

Karaoke w/Miss Gina 9pm-1am 2-4-1 Every Day 6am-2pm

2-4-1 Every Day 6am-2pm Texas Hold’em 8 &10pm

L.A.D.S Bingo 1pm & 3pm $1 draft Bud, BL, Amberbock all day

The Rock

$3 Well/Dom All Day/Everyday! $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

R Roscoe’s*

Fiesta Friday $3 Cervezas Roscoe’s Dancers @ 10:30pm

Happy Hour 10am-7pm Free Darts All afternoon

Make your Bloody Mary Bar $8 Lg Isnd Pitch. $3 Beer Pitch.

R Switch

Fri: $3 House Margaritas Open from 11am-Midnight

Sat: $3 House Cosmo Martini Open from 10am-Midnight

$3 Sweet Tea Vodka Lemonade $3 Breakfast Open @ 10

R Ticoz

Fridays 1/2 off Coronas all day Happy Hour 3-6:30pm

Saturday 1/2 off well vodka Brunch 10a-3p - HH 3-6:30p

Sundays 1/2 off Sangria Pitch Brunch 10a-3p - HH 3-6:30

Happy Hour 5-9pm DJ Spin 9pm-Close

Happy Hour 1 5-9pm DJ Spin 9pm-Close

Happy Hour 5-9pm $5 Heel Lifter w/ John Breem 9p-cl

IBT’s

Flawless Fridays China Colins Karaoke 5-8pm

Saturday Starlets w/Janee Starr

Cheap Ass Sundays Karaoke 4-close

Woody’s

Happy Hour w/ Susan Artemis Second Sunday Special Brunch

Happy Hour 11am-8pm

Happy Hour 11am-8pm Karaoke 4pm-2am

Zoan

TUCSON

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FULL MENU

* LIMITED MENU/TIMES

www.IONAZ.com April 2012

FREE PROJECT HARD HAT CONDOMS

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

Closed Mondays

Closed Tuesday

Amateur Show 9pm

2-4-1 VIP Dances

Martini Mondays $5 Martinis & $5 Pizza

Margherita Pizza & 2 Margaritas only $15

Dinner for 2 Salad, Pizza and Btl Wine $15

Show Night: Kik Vermont $3 Smirnoff & $3 All Beers

Drag Bingo 9:30 2 for 1 u-call-it all day/night

Live Cabaret Show 8 pm $2 off any martini

$2.75 Happy Hour Prices All day/all night

Karaoke 9:30pm

Monday Beer Bust $1 Bud Light draft 4p-close

KAROKE @9pm $2.50 well, dom bottle & drafts

Student Salvation Mondays $20 Plate of apps + bottle wine

Twofer Tuesdays $20 2 burgers/fries/2 dom beer

$1 OFF in your undies/leather 10a-4p $2 well/ Bud Lt draft

2-4-1 U Call It 4pm- close

2-4-1 Wednesdays 9pm-close 2-4-1 on ALL drinks

Thirstday Thursdays $4 AMF, Lng Islnd/ Skinny drink

I Love My Wii - Games all night Stars of Tomorrow 8:30p $2 domestic beer / $3 well $1 Off Beer / $2 Off Call

2-4-1 All Day and All Night Go-go boys, extended patios

Amateur Strip Night w/ Mandi $3 u-call it beer & $5 cocktails

Underwear Party 8-cl 2-4-1 2-8pm $3 pitch. 2-4-1 well/dom

2-8p $3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 8p-close $3 Smirnoff

2-4-1 All Day! Cocktails and beer

2-4-1 Well 3-10pm Open 3pm-2am

2-8p $3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 8p-Close 2-4-1 cocktails/dom

2-4-1 Well 6-9pm

2-4-1 Well 6-9pm Karaoke 9pm

Steppin’ Out TC Taylor hosts 10:30 pm - $2 domestic

Strippers 10:30 pm 2-4-1 Well 6-9pm

2-4-1 Cover Charge, Dances, VIP Wristbands

Amateur Night Starts at 10pm

WTF Wednesdays $5 Cover and almost everything else

Stripper Karaoke

$3 Burgers $ Margaritas Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

‘tini Tuesdays $3 Martinis Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

$20 Any Bottle of Wine Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

$3 G Spots Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

Monday Night Karaoke 9p-1a 2-4-1 8am-2pm (M-F)

NEW: Meatgrinder 9p Dating Game w/ Celia Putty

NEW: AMIGOS Go-go boys/DJ $5 Latin Inspired Drink

2-4-1 Thursday Well & Domestic ALL DAY

FREE Poker Tournament 7pm and 10pm

GLEE starting at 7pm 2-4-1 drinks during the show

Karaoke starting at 9pm $3 well/$2.50 dom./$4 martinis

2-4-1 in undies beer/well 9p-cl $3 Three Olives Thursdays

Karaoke Mondays DJ Ramon $2 drinks & $3 Pitch. Beer Bust

Salsa Tuesday Savannah Show $2 drinks & $3 Pitch. Beer Bust

Top 40 Wed. Barbra Seville $2 drinks & $3 Pitch. Beer Bust

TEJANO Ruby Show $2 drinks & $3 Pitch. Beer Bust

$4 Bistro Burgers 4-10pm $10 off of all Bottled Wines

Pizza/Wine Special Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

BBQ Short Ribs Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

$3 Mexican Beers Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

Mondays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Tuesdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Wednesdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Thursdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

2-4-1 ALL DRINKS, ALL DAY! In-House Dart League Tour. 8p

Dart League 7pm In-House Cash Pool Tour. 9pm

2-4-1 Every Day 6am-2pm Texas Hold’em 8 &10pm

$3 Well/Dom All Day/Everyday! $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm- Open 2-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

Monday Pool Tournament 2-4-1 beer & well 7pm-close

2 for Tuesdays 2-4-1 drinks all day

Wednesday TRIVIA @ 9pm All Day Happy Hour

Gold Fish Races @ 9pm 2-4-1 7pm

Mon: $3 House Chard and Cab Open from 11am-Midnight

Tue: $3 Drunken Italian Sodas Open from 11am-Midnight

Wed: $3 Sangrias Open from 11am-Midnight

Thur: $3 Caipirinhas Open from 11am-Midnight

Mondays 1/2 off Mojitos HH 3-6:30pm - Open 11am-Mid

Tuesdays 1/2 off Sangrias HH 3-6:30pm - Open 11am-Mid

Wednesdays 1/2 off Margaritas HH 3-6:30pm - Open 11am-Mid

Thursdays 1/2 off draft beer HH 3-6:30pm - Open 11am-Mid

Happy Hour 5-9pm S.I.N. 2-4-1 for service indstry

Happy Hour 5-9pm 2-4-1 9pm-Close

Happy Hour 5-9pm Karaoke @ 9pm

Happy Hour 5-9pm Beer Bust $2.75 Pitchers

Reverse Happy Hour

Taco Tuesdays Only $1 Beer & tequila specials

Viva La Diva! w/ Janee Starr Whiskey Breath Night

Therapy Thursdays 2-4-1 Karaoke 5-8om

Happy Hour 11am-8pm

2-4-1 Tuesdays

Margarita Day & Night $4.50 Margaritas

Craft Beer Night AZ Breweries $3 & FREE pool all day/night

ION ARIZONA April 2012 www.IONAZ.com 125

MEET

AL REMEN!

Phoenix

602.993.4567 Tucson

520.791.2345 FREE CODE: IONAZ Other local numbers:

1-888-634-2628

E FRtoEListen

& Reply to Ads!

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REWARDS

1-888-MegaMates

www.MegaMatesMen.com

24/7 Customer Care 1(888) 634.2628 18+ ÂŠ2011 PC LLC 2124

by Addison DeWitt

veryone is so territorial and so proprietary about everything these days. Mine, mine, mine. So in an effort to keep what’s mine as mine and prevent any more pesky lawsuits, I’m copyrighting, registering and trademarking everything I can. And I do mean everything©®™. From the “True or Falsies Files‎”© ... It came from Facebook: “Fantasia Sexton (pictured) and the King of the Queens™ Edward Castro (pictured) were seen necking in the DJ booth of famed Rock Phoenix showroom.” Now, I don’t know if this is true or not, but let’s just say that it is. Just for fun. I love it! “Necking.” Gee whiz! I haven’t heard of anybody “necking” since I got caught past curfew where I live at the WonderVu Trailer Court® by the Shuffleboard Court. I won’t tell you exactly what I was doing. But that was back when Barbra Seville was still a toddler in her playpen in Ohio wearing Kanekelon® synthetic hair pigtails and gold lamé diapers.

And won’t that be a surprise? Speaking of surprises, it was no surprise to see Craig Rubin with his pal, the al dente Tony Carusone (pictured) at Apollo’s for the Sexiest Bartender Contest. What was a surprise, however, was Craig’s proud announcement, “Tonight I’m wearing underwear.” And now, Craig, the whole world knows, too. You can thank me later, dear. Rumor is Craig is soon to be heading for the Bright Lights of West Hollyweird soon. With or without his underwear. Probably without, I’m guessing. Just leave me Tony, won’t you, Craig?

Think of it this way, Edward: if you play your cards right with Fantasia, you’ll be knee-deep in Moons Over My Hammy® (ask for the hash browns with cheese) at Gay Denny’s® where ‘Tasia masquerades as a waiter™. I say, “Go for it,” Edward! You might even get some extra Pancake Puppies© if you make it to second base. Then you can tell me exactly what makes her WonderBra© so—well—wonderful. (I’ll bet it’s Kleenex®) After that you’ll find out just exactly what Victoria’s Secret™ really is. April 2012 www.IONAZ.com 127

Forget cancer research. Forget global warming. Forget world hunger. With all of the technology at our fingertips why, oh why, can’t Maybelline© come out with some

by Addison DeWitt

Champagne-Proof Great Lash Mascara®, pretty please? What do you do when you’re the d-d-d-dreamy Anthony Luna and splash a little Dom Pérignon™ (actually, it was probably something crappy, like Tott’s©) in your eye during brunch in extra-fancy Scottsdale while you’re drinking Mimosas with your pinky finger out and your makeup starts to run? You cry. That’s what. The problems Gay boys face today. Interesting Factlet:

128

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Anthony also likes to arm wrestle girls. Yes, girls. That’s actually kinda hot. He also rollerblades to the bar so that’s why I’m trademarking The Extraordinary Anthony Luna™ and making him the Party Penguin of the Month.© Any trademark or copyright infringement may incur legal action. However, I do accept bribes and offers of sexual favors. Really. Try me.™ _ Send your trademarked comments to Addison at RumorHound@aol.com

April 2012 www.IONAZ.com 129

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

Your ambition is boundless, especially concerning a job opportunity. Push yourself. You’re good at being pushy. If it’s your birthday you’ll be reconciled with a “frenemy.” Not really. Face it: you really don’t like this Virgo.

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20

Your leadership skills are put to the test and you feel a little like Moses looking for the Promised Land, except with much better clothes. If it’s your birthday you’ll save the day for a Scorpio, Aquarius and a Cancer. Holy Moses, you’re good!

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Did you look over your shoulder? Check under the bed? Delete everything in your e-mailboxes? Look, we’re not saying you’re paranoid, but somebody actually might be following you. Why would anybody do that? Don’t answer. A Libra is listening in.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

talking about your dog, either. An Aries winks. A Gemini blinks.

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22

All the world’s a stage. You’re in the spotlight this month and not sure if you know your lines. Ad lib each scene and you’ll win an Oscar. You’ll make an Aquarian laugh until they wet their pants.

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23

A shift in the cosmos has you asking many questions. “Who? What? Why? When? Where?” Who do you think you are? Nancy Drew? If you want to solve a mystery ask a Scorpio. They’re always full of secrets. The truth? Not so much.

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23

Lay off the Starbucks for a change. You’re so over-caffeinated you’re wired for sound. AM/FM and UHF. You’re heading for a crash unless you take some special “me” time. It’ll be a lot more interesting if you involve Libra.

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20

A watched pot never boils. You’re monitoring something or someone too closely and won’t receive any results. So relax. Take your mind off of it. Watch some TV. It drives Capricorns crazy when you hover like that.

Planetary alignments, astral guides, lunar phases, blah, blah, blah. You follow no rules this month and your astrological whirlpool throws your personal life out of orbit. It only feels like a mess, but a Pisces helps your sort it out.

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

You left your underwear at somebody’s house after a wild night’s romp. Guess what? You may have left your dignity behind, too. Big deal! Your devil-maycare attitude and je ne sais quoi creates a legend. Especially among Sagittarians. They live for this!

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22

An admirer lures you into their web—and bed—by whispering sweet nothings in your ear. Snap out of it! The affections of a loyal, trustworthy pal are worth more. No, I’m not

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Too much drama in your life forces you into an Emotional Yard Sale, this month only! Everything under $1 or Best Offer! Get rid of crap that’s bogging you down. Or give it to a Gemini. They’ll make a gift basket out of it for a Leo!

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

You feel like Rip Van Winkle and you just woke up from a long coma. America elected a Black man? Ugly Betty is canceled? Who won Drag Race? Snap out of it! Your batteries will be recharged in no time with the help of a Libra.

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