ION Arizona Magazine by ION Arizona

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DRAG WARS

B S W E S T, S C O T T SDA L E

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JELL-O WRESTLING

CHARLIE’S, PHOENIX

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ARIZONADRAG.com

THE ROCK, PHOENIX

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The Power of 3

hey say good things come in 3’s. We couldn’t agree more. After all, this is our 3rd “Pets in the City” issue. To celebrate our 3rd pets issue we decided to do something we have never done before: Produce 3 different ION covers with 3 different people and their pets! You can see all the covers at www. IONAZ.com.

guessed it, 3rd Street. Phoenix Pride has moved into our old office. We now have 3 offices upstairs.

Pets in the City 3

I want to thank everyone who participated in this year’s “Pets and the City” issue. When we started featuring pets and people 3 years ago, we never anticipated the response would be so great. If you didn’t make it in this issue, there is always “Pets in the City 4” next year. I can’t promise my article will contain many 4’s though.

The ION Trinity

Last month we received so so many positive comments and reveiws about our 10th anniversary issue. Thank you to everyone who called, emailed, Facebooked and texted us. The truth is, ION is mostly created by only 3 full time employees: Myself, Kevin Bushaw and Deon Brown. This dynamic trio works tirelessly every month, on weekends, and late into the night to bring you every issue. We also have 3 talented photographers, 3 hard working distribution drivers and a number of freelance creative writers

I know it’s hot, your electricity bill is through the roof, and you seat belts burns you when you get in the car, but this is why we live here, right? Stay cool, get out and have some fun. Use ION as your guide for all the fun in and out of your community. Take care and be good to your pets.

Gallery 3 The Place to Be Since moving our offices out of my backyard guest house, we’ve had 3 offices all located in the Gallery 3 Plaza on, you

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Jack M. Tesorero Publisher

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www.IONAZ.com

August 2011

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3819 North 3rd Street Ste. #26, Phoenix, AZ 85012

(602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com

ionarizona@me.com

Publisher / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero - Ext. 5 ................. jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw - Ext. 4 ..................... kbushaw@me.com Editor Deon Brown - Ext. 3 .................. ionazeditor@me.com PRODUCTION ASSISTANT Tom King ................................. ionarizona@me.com PRODUCTION & Artwork SUBMISSIONS ionazproduction@me.com Advertising Sales Jack Tesorero Ext 2 - ionazsales@me.com ADVERTISING CONSULTANT Bill Knoop .................................................... (602) 301-8457 Photographers:

Fernando Hernandez Jerry O’Conner Deon Brown Cover Photo by Fernando Hernandez National Advertising Representative Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 ContributORS:

Wes Bergman Addison DeWitt Jackson David Kelly C. Edwards Robert Hofmann

Ted Kirby Peter Lora Kim Ruff Paul Sanchez Joey Sarandos

Published monthly by

1995-2011: 16 Years of Design and Creative Excellence

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee. NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company. Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

www.IONAZ.com August 2011

ABBA Arrival Love ABBA? Arrival from Sweden is authorized and produced by two of the original ABBA members. Premium VIP Packages, Deluxe Concert Packages available. For one night only on Friday, August 12 at 8 p.m. at the Carefree Resort. 37220 Mule Train Rd. For more info visit Carefree-Resorts.com or call 480-5953704 ticket sales.

BS West’s 23rd Anniversary What becomes a legend most? After 23 years it’s BS West. This great watering hole says, “Happy Birthday to US!” on Saturday, August 20 with 2-4-1 all night long. Who needs cake and ice cream? 7125 E. 5th Ave. Scottsdale. Phone: 480-495-9028

Claude’s Lounge Come on over to the newest neighborhood cruise bar for men! Claude’s Lounge celebrates its Grand Opening Weekend from August 19-21 with shot specials, giveaways and food! Come to the Blackout Party on Saturday, and 2-4-1 on Sunday! 4132 E. McDowell Rd. Phone: 602-388-4030

Karamba turns 7 “Feliz cumpleaños, Karamba!” The hottest Latino nightclub in town celebrates with a Superhero Party! Not only that, you’ll have the chance to win tickets to Ke$ha! It all happens on Saturday, Aug. 20. 1724 E. McDowell Rd. Phone: 602-254-0321

Happy Birthday, Roscoe’s! Batter up! It’s birthday time at the Valley’s only GLBT Sports Bar! Join in the fun as they party down celebrating 15 years! 4531 N. 7th St. Phone: 602-285-0833

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HEAT Shake your groove thang at “The Ultimate Gay Dance Party” at The White House on Saturday, August 27 with a “staycation” at the fab W Hotel available, too! Proceeds benefit 1n10. 4225 N. Craftsman Ct. For tix visit HeatPhoenix.eventbrite.com

AUGUST 2011 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE EVENT Mondays Anything Goes Thursdays Amateur Stripper Night Thursdays Karaoke 6 Family Feud/Velasco’s B’day 7 & 21 Yappy Hours 12 ABBA Arrival 14 GLAM: I Love the 80s 19-21 Grand Opening 19-21 15th Anniversary Weekend 20 7th Anniversary 20 Mercury Party 20 Birthday Party 21 Fag TV - icepics 21 Pussy’s Trash Disco Contest 23 Mustache Ride 27-28 Phx Social Club “HEAT”

LOCATION CITY BS West Scottsdale BS West Scottsdale Paradise Mesa Roscoe’s Phoenix BS West Scottsdale Carefree Resort Carefree BS West Scottsdale Claude’s Lounge Phoenix Roscoe’s Phoenix Karamba’s Phoenix Z Club Phoenix BS West Phoenix Phoenix Charlie’s Phoenix icepics Phoenix White House Scottsdale

SEPTEMBER 2-5 White Party 3 AGRA Beach Party 4 Rocky Point Shrimp Boil 4 LatinBoyz Gone Wild 5 Labor Day Karaoke Contest 5 Pussy’s Annual Labor Day Show

Charlie’s Charlie’s Karamba Karamba Charlie’s

Las Vegas Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix

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Birds in the Garden “Why, Henry! Look! It’s a Yellow-Belly Sapsucker!” Yes, if you’re up at the crack o’ dawn you can join birding experts and enthusiasts every Monday at 7 a.m. at the beautiful Desert Botanical Gardens to see many of our fine feathered friends. And remember, the early bird catches the worm! Desert Botanical Gardens, 1201 Galvin Pkwy. 480-941-1225

Arizona Derby Dames “Live fast, die pretty!” If you love bank-tracked style roller derby and watching teams of bloodthirsty women go at it with lots of no-holds barred punching, kicking and screaming, then this is for you! Watch our very own Arizona Derby Dames go at it! August 20 is the playoffs, and it’s a triple header featuring four teams. Doors open at 5 p.m. and bouts start at 7 p.m. It all happens at the Veteran’s Memorial Coliseum at 1826 W. McDowell Rd.

Check out AZderbydames.com for more info.

Hell City Tattoo Festival “Ink-a-dink, a bottle of ink ...” Bust out your best body art—or get some—at this amazing tour of body art featuring seminars, bands, competitions, art fusion experimentation, films and more! It all happens from August 26-28 at the venerable Arizona Biltmore Resort, 2400 E. Missouri Ave. For tix and etails go to HellCity.com

AUGUST 2011 ION around town listings DATE EVENT / LOCATION CITY Mondays 13 20 26-28 18-21 28

Birds in the Desert Botanical Garden Prowl ‘n’ Play-Phoenix Zoo AZ Derby Dames Roller Derby-Fairgrounds Coliseum Hell City Tattoo Festival-AZ Biltmore Payson Rodeo-Payson Events Ctr.

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Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Payson

WHITE HOUSE

FRIDAY HAPPY HOUR

Ph enix Social C ub

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Ph enix Social C ub

SHERATON HOTEL DOWNTOWN PHOENIX

Play, relax and socialize for $95 including a room at the fabulous W Hotel in Scottsdale, the chillest place to stay in the sultry heat of stylish Scottsdale. Four nonstop parties and casual social time. 2 days and 1 night/person

Calendar of Events for August 27 and 28, 2011

Dinner Social 6:30 PM

Wake up to another BIG PSC Sunday Funday pool party; Live DJ spinning the latest dance tunes. This is the BIG PSC Pool Day with the pool reserved just for us!

Sunday, August 28 Pool Party 11 AM to 6 PM

7277 East Camelback Road Scottsdale Arizona

W Hotel

1N10 BENEFIT

HEAT tickets can also be purchased at

Clothing and swimsuits sponsored by

Special effects lighting décor and sound sponsored by

4700 N. Central Ave.

HEAT venue sponsored by

Proceeds benefitting 1n10.org, a community service that helps and benefits GLBT youth.

Buy tickets for only $15.00 http://heatphoenix.eventbrite.com Door price: $20

White House Club in Scottsdale Cool – Modern – Slick 4225 N. Craftsman Ct. VIP table service available

Leave it all on the dance floor at Arizona’s premiere dance party - HEAT. Featuring the latest dance music, stunning lighting, over-thetop special effects, and the hottest dancers and entertainers. Music and production by Nephew and Marc Echeveste will keep you dancing all night long!

Saturday, August 27 9 PM - 2 AM

For more information on Phoenix Social Club, these events and more, visit Facebook Phoenix Social Club Page and “like” us or visit www.phoenixsocialclub.com or e-mail psc@phoenixsocialclub.com

Advertising sponsored by our friends at

Complimentary Limo Transfer Service from Hotel to Heat and Malees sponsored by

Only 2 left: Luxury cabana room for 10. Rentals equipped with misters, LED TVs and full bar service. Available Saturday and Sunday. Contact PSC for reservations and information. $250/day

Pool Parties: Free admittance and chaises Saturday and Sunday, one per registered hotel guest. Without room: $25/person/day.

Indoor W Bar at Pool - Cool down and chill out in the W pool lounge for a casual social mixer. Happy Hour drinks and food specials.

Wind down the weekend at Malee’s Thai Restaurant. Special priced favorite dish three course menu. Reminisce and share your weekend experiences with old and new friends. Discounted hotel rates for PSC members- $139/night for Wonderful King $80/person double occupancy INCLUDING ALL TAXES. Other room types with special discounts. Multiple room nights available. Call W Hotel 480-970-2100 for reservations. Mention Phoenix Social Club for these rates. August 27 lodging deposit is nonrefundable.

Cocktail Social Happy Hour 5PM

W Pool area – Enjoy the company of your fellow Socialites at the W pool and chill to the DJ’s summer beats poolside.

Saturday, August 27 Pool Party 11 AM to 6 PM

FRESH

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GREEK GOD REVUE | COUGAR CABARET

PHOTOS at www.IONAZ.com

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MUSTACHE RIDE

ICEPICS, PHOENIX

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Josh Groban: Straight to You Fans of this handsome, sincere, popera songbird with the raventressed locks and the pillow-dented curls will pull hairs out of their nose and weep when he takes the stage singing his emotional heart out on Friday, August 19 at the US Airways Center. Bring plenty of hankies. You’re gonna need ‘em. 201 E. Jefferson St. For tix call 800-745-3000 or visit TicketMaster.com

deadmau5 Joel Thomas Zimmerman, better known by his stage name deadmau5 (pronounced “dead mouse” in case you didn’t know) performs wearing an iconic electrified mouse head has performed at the 2010 Winter Olympic Games, and brought his electro-trance-house to Coachella and Ibiza, too. Just don’t call him a DJ. He’s so much more. Catch this amazing talent on the music scene on September 1 at the Phoenix Convention Center, 100 N. 3rd St. For tix call 800-745-3000 or visit TicketMaster.com

Sade & John Legend Across the north and south to Key Largo, love for sale ... No need to ask. It’s Sade, singing “Smooth Operator” with heartthrob John Legend. It’s about time! This is a concert R&B/jazz enthusiasts won’t want to miss. Friday, September 2 at the US Airways Center 201 E. Jefferson St. For tix call 800-745-3000 or visit TicketMaster.com

AUGUST 2011 ION Concert Calendar DATE ARTIST LOCATION PHONE 5 Kid Rock & Sheryl Crow Comerica Theatre 602-745-2888 5 Blood, Sweat & Tears Wild Horse Pass 877-840-0457 10 Happy Together Tour Wild Horse Pass 877-840-0457 10 Matisyahu Marquee Theatre 480-829-0607 11 The Decemberists Mesa Arts Center 480-644-6500 15 Death Cab for Cutie Comerica Theatre 602-745-2888 19 Steve Martin Mesa Arts Center 480-644-6500 19 Josh Groban: Straight to You US Airways Ctr. 800-745-3000 23 Michael Bolton Wild Horse Pass 877-840-0457 24 Lil’ Wayne Ashley HomeStore Pavilion 602-254-7500 29 Donny Osmond Celebrity Theatre 602-267-1600 31 Wynter Gordon Martini Ranch 602-513-2195 SEPTEMBER 1 deadmau5 Phoenix Convention Center 2 Sade & John Legend US Airways Ctr. 800-745-3000 2 Kenny Loggins Wild Horse Pass 877-840-0457 3 Kool & the Gang Talking Stick Resort 480-850-7777 6 Kings of Leon Ashley HomeStore Pavilion 602-254-7500 August 2011 www.IONAZ.com 37

Brad Garrett The adenoidal, slightly dopey brother on Everybody Loves Raymond got his big start from television’s Star Search. Since then he’s gone on to play on hit shows like Roseanne, Mad About You, Seinfeld as well as voiceovers in Finding Nemo, Ratatouille, A Bug’s Life and more. He hits the ha-ha stage at Stand Up Live on Friday and Saturday, August 5-6 at Phoenix CityScape 50 W. Jefferson. Get tix online at StandUpLive.com or call 480-719-6100

Lisa Lampanelli Hey, cornholers! You know who you are! The loveable (well, okay, that’s debatable) Queen of Mean comes to town to smash just about every socially acceptable idea of what’s politically correct these days. See her cuss a blue streak on Saturday, August 6 at the Comerica Theatre, 400 W. Washington. Call 602-379-2888 or visit LiveNation.com for tix. See ya, Fuckfaces!

Steve-O This MTV “Jack Ass” favorite daredevil knucklehead brings his “Entirely Too Much Information Tour” to our town full of jackass knuckleheads. If you like “pull my finger” kind of humor, this’ll be right up your alley. Stand Up Live on Friday and Saturday, August 25-28 at Phoenix CityScape 50 W. Jefferson. Get tix online at StandUpLive.com or call 480-719-6100

AUGUST 2011 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE EVENT LOCATION 5-6 Brad Garrett Stand Up Live 6 Lisa Lampanelli Comerica Theatre thru 7 Hairspray Scotts. Desert Stages 9-18 Wacky, Wickedly Wonderful Women Herberger 11 Comedy by the Pound Comedy Spot 11-14 Bobby Slayton Stand Up Live thru 14 Baby: the Musical AZ B’way Theatre 19-21 Remember Patsy Cline AZ B’way Theatre 20-9/10 Oedipus for Kids PHX Little Theatre thru 21 Then There Were None Scotts. Desert Stages Theatre 25-28 Steve-O Stand Up Live SEPTEMBER 2-3 Tracy Morgan Stand Up Live

PHONE 480-719-6800 602-379-2888 480-483-1664 602-254-7399 480-945-4422 480-719-6800 623-776-8400 623-776-8400 602-254-2151 480-483-1664 480-719-6800 480-719-6800

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â&#x20AC;&#x153;Mommie, Dearestâ&#x20AC;?

Oedipus For Kids A Musical for Children. Gone Horribly, Horribly Wrong. Opens August 20th

by Damon Dering 40

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ot off the success of its crazy summer musical, Eating Raoul, Nearly Naked Theatre opens its thirteenth season this month with something that has us all a little worried—a musical called Oedipus For Kids! Yes, that’s correct. Oedipus. For Kids. Just to make sure we weren’t crazy, we did a quickie Google of the internets for an Oedipus synopsis. Yep, that’s the one. Murders his father. Marries his mother. Gouges out his eyes. And this play is for kids? No. In yet another wacky and wonderful twist that Nearly Naked Theatre is known for bringing us, Oedipus For Kids really isn’t for kids. It’s about a children’s theatre troupe (adult actors acting for kids) that decides that adapting the story of Oedipus for the theatre-for-youth stage would be a good idea. Guess what? It really isn’t. What’s even better is that the players themselves are in a bit of a crisis. Two members of the three-person troupe are going through a bitter divorce. And the third member, a young man playing Oedipus, was left unsupervised to write a very, and we mean very, inappropriate script. As the battling spouses get

more and more involved in ruining each others’ lives, the show itself devolves into a whirlpool of “suck!” So if it’s not for kids, who are these “kids” the title speaks of? We are. The show is performed and directed just like the audience is eight-years-old. What’s even better, Oedipus For Kids is directed by Toby Yatso— and that is truly exciting news for fans of Nearly Naked. He was the director of Devil Boys From Beyond, a smash hit last season that had everyone rolling in the aisles as local drag queen (and current Miss Gay Arizona) Celia Putty, along with a bunch of other wonderful drag queens and muscleripped young men, made an “inappropriate” hot mess out of those 50s science fiction movies. The most “wrong” thing about Oedipus For Kids? Well, did we mention that the play they’ve decided to put on for the “kids” is a musical? With songs like “That’s What It’s Like When You Get The Plague” and “My Lover Is My Husband Is My Son” I guess we really shouldn’t have been worried at all. It’s going to be “wrong” in the best sense of the word. Just like Nearly Naked Theatre should be. Visit NearlyNakedTheatre.org for info and tix. August 2011 www.IONAZ.com 41

by Jackson David Kelly jacksonkelly@cox.net

Yo, DJ! What’s New? I’m late saying “Congrats” to ION for turning 10 last month! Thanks to Jack and crew for bringing AZ an informative publication that’s a cut above the rest and for allowing me to write about music for 10 fabulous years. More importantly, hats off to the community and to you, our readers! Now, on to some great music. Additionally, check out Fountains of Wayne, O.A.R., Red Hot Chili Peppers, Barbra Streisand, The Game and Now 39.

David Guetta

Nothing But The Beat Would you believe this is Guetta’s fifth album?! It was only until his collaborations with high profile artists when people took notice. To many this will be treated as a sophomore effort to One Love. Once again, David uses current pop artists to fill disc one – Lil Wayne, Nicki Minaj, Flo Rida, Usher, Ludacris and more. However, it’s the bridge of the second disc that brings Guetta back to his more famous roots of being a DJ. Lead single “Where Them Girls At” shows a mere continuation of the usual with little departure as does the follow up “Little Bad Girl.” Let’s hope people see the magic beyond this commercialism. GRADE: B-

Kelly Rowland

Here I Am Those hoping for a “Love Takes Over” or “Commander” kind of album will be disappointed. Though the super stardom that came as a result of those two anthems would lead one to believe she would go diva, Kelly stays R&B. Despite the opener’s electro, almost Britney-esque sound, the rest follows in predictable manner (minus the final two tracks).

However, the album has moments of fun and catchy hooks. Arguably, “Turn it Up” is the standout track here, but also check out the mid-tempo ballads “Motivation” and “All of the Night” as well as the opener “I’m Dat Chick.” GRADE: B-

Joss Stone LP1

She erupted on the music scene with her debut but then fizzled due to grumblings with marketing and her label. Now that she is free from EMI, Joss finds comfort in this release from her own label. Appropriately entitled LP1, this collection gets great help from Eurythmic’s Dave Stewart. Produced in Nashville, it’s part soul, part twang with a whole lotta blues-ish rock. Recorded in six days, Joss goes a bit Adele-like, but on mega-steroids. Lead single “Somehow” dissolves a bit with its forced sound, but the gritty “Newborn” and “Karma” make up for its shortcoming. GRADE: B

Mat Kearney Young Love

For something different and soothing check out this singer/songwriter’s fifth album. Though not a household name by any sort, Mat’s music has been featured in numerous movies and TV shows and is assuredly recognizable. Part John Mayer and Jason Mraz, his melodic style, moving vocals and uncharacteristic mixture of spoken word breathe freshness into today’s stagnant music biz. Though Young Love is not as complete as City of Black and White, it still resonates well to your ear. Sadly, his last single “Runaway” in not featured here. Check out the infectious single “Mama” as well as “Down.” GRADE: B August 2011 www.IONAZ.com 43

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“Sew what, Bitch?” Project Runway Season 9

by Peter Lora photos courtesy Lifetime Television

here are very few things that unite the real housewives of middle America and Gay urbanites alike, but when there is, most of the time it’s on cable television. The end of this past month heralded the return of the reality television favorite that is Lifetime TV’s Project Runway. Now in its ninth consecutive season, it promises all the challenges, celebrity cameos, heartbreak, tearsoaked chiffon and all the drama that a 45-minute slot of so-called women’s programming can promise.

The first challenge consisted of creating an outfit from pajamas and bedsheets. After surviving cancer, color blindness and several ill-placed piercings, Anthony Ryn Auld seems determined to not only keep sassy scarves en vogue but also win the hearts of the judges and America with his Southern accent and realistic aesthetic. Auld churned out a wearable and en pointe outfit leaving him in the top three and most likely to be the season favorite.

There’s the old adage: keep your friends close and your enemies even closer, Project Runway turns the eternal ally of the Gay man—the “fag hag”—into his competition alongside other styleworshipping queens.

No stranger to excessive bronzer use, judge Michael Kors is known for his chic black-on-black ensembles and no doubt leaving luxury hotel pillow-cases looking like the Shroud of Turin. PR Hopeful Joshua McKinley is tall, questionably dark and handsome. When chosen to continue on the show Joshua shed tears of joy and then joked that his bronzer was running.

As expected, the premiere introduced a bevy of Gay contestants for the audience to love, hate and laugh with while tearing each other apart in their one-on-one interviews. Even in just one episode it was easy to decipher who the favorites were going to be.

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Rice and Christian Siriano. McKinley showed his evil streak when he asked emotional wreckage of a cast mate Josh Christensen if the judges really said they “hated” his creation. Christensen is equipped with Carrie Bradshaw-esque flowers on his lapels, an amazing “brow lady” and an infallible confidence that will surely send wearable art down the runway and stir up some air-able drama. At 57, Bert Keeter initially seems an unlikely threat to the other younger, more fit and well dressed cast mates but don’t be surprised when he assumes the role of season underdog. This man has been in the industry for 30-plus

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years and has assisted fashion legends like Bill Blass and Halston. After having lost friends to AIDS, a partner of 18 years as well as recovering from years of alcoholism, Keeter is determined to live out a dream that only years prior seemed impossible. He managed to send down the winning outfit down the runway and will surely impress with his hope to finally reach the top. We can only wait and tune in to see who is in and who “iz öut.”

Project Runway

Thursdays at 9 p.m. on Lifetime TV COX Communications TV, ch. 724 in HD

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by Kimberly M. Ruff kimberlymruff@yahoo.com

Previews Rise of Planet of the Apes

Starring: James Franco, Freida Pinto, John Lithgow, Andy Serkis, Brian Cox, Apes So we’re all pretty well aware at this point that when Charleton Heston and Mark Walhberg complained in their respective versions of the film, Planet of the Apes, about being manhandled by—you guessed it—“damn, dirty apes” on a foreign planet, they were really giving voice to what Glenn Beck has been warning America about for the past several years: that socialism is on the rise and pretty soon, the world will be overrun by apes. Yes, our world. So it’s no mystery that the Planet of the Apes is Earth, but what still does remain a mystery is how it got to be that way. Well, thanks to a spunky bunch of Hollywood writers, we now know! Partially filmed at Florida’s only tourist attraction, Monkey Jungle (whose tagline is “Where the humans are in cages and the monkeys run wild”) because evidently being a Hollywood writer requires a lot of Imagineering and remarkably little understanding of basic biology (apes are not monkeys), Rise of Planet of the Apes is set in modern-day San Francisco where a group of scientists breed apes with higher levels of intelligence who ultimately decide to overcome their oppression and fight for their independence. James Franco (127 Hours), Freida Pinto (Slumdog Millionaire), and Andy Serkis (Lord of the Rings) star. Release Date: 08/05/2011

30 Minutes or Less

Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Danny McBride, Aziz Ansari, Nick Swardson, Michael Pena From the director of Zombieland (if you still haven’t seen it, you really should), comes the new action-comedy 30 Minutes or Less. Jesse Eisenberg stars as Nick, a small-town pizza delivery guy who spends the bulk of his time getting high and delivery pizzas until he gets kidnapped by two wannabe criminal masterminds, Dwayne (McBride, Pineapple Express) and Travis (Swardson, Reno 911), who decide the fastest way to wealth is by coercing some sucker into robbing a bank for them by strapping a bomb to his chest. Convinced he’s got nine hours until he’s going to blow sky high, Nick teams with his best friend, Chet (Ansari, Parks and Recreation) to accomplish the mission and save his life. If it’s anything like Zombieland, it’ll prove to be a hilarious, fast-paced ride. Release Date: 08/12/2011.

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Movie Previews Circumstance

Starring: Nikohl Boosheri, Sarah Kazemy, Reza Sixo Safai Set in contemporary Iran, Circumstance is a beautifully written and executed film about two close 16-year-old friends, the wealthy Atafeh (Boosheri) and orphaned Shireen (Kazemy), who in classic adolescent fashion buck tradition and social mores by experimenting with sex and drugs in an effort to find themselves. Deeply emotionally and sexually connected, the young women struggle against the rigid theocratic political and social climate of their country, most menacingly embodied in Atafehâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s brother, Mehran (Safai).

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Continued

A former musician/drug addict, Mehran has turned his eyes towards God and Islamic dogma, spying on his family and friends after getting recruited by the Basjis (the morality police). Further compounding the problem is his obsession with Shireen, which grows in intensity and fervor. In true cinematic fashion, Circumstance favors the image over the dialogue, providing the viewer with stirring and sensuous imagery juxtaposed by the grainy blackand-white perspective of surveillance video. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a gorgeous drama and absolutely heartrending. A definite must-see for the film buff. Release Date: 08/26/2011.

by Wes Bergman wesobergman@yahoo.com

Ladies & Tramps Leading Ladies

Starring: Melanie LaPatin, Laurel Vail, Benji Schwimmer, Shannon Lea Smith, Nicole Dionne Tasi (Smith) and Toni (Vail) are twin sisters, but more than that, they’re Camparis—two more women in a matriarchal line spearheaded by their overbearing (albeit, wellmeaning) mother, Sheri (LaPatin). Abandoned by their father at an early age, the Campari women turned their attention to the wonderful world of competitive ballroom dancing, but just as on stage where the lead dancer does all the work to make sure the flashier follower looks good, Toni fades into the background as the dutiful daughter with Tasi getting the spotlight (a not altogether good thing, as it puts her in the untenable position of being the focal point for Sheri). This has always been the way, until ... Tasi’s suddenly a little too big (and getting bigger) to squeeze into her fuschia-sequined number and Toni must step up to the plate. But Toni’s got her own little secret and saving the day means coming out straight, in a manner of speaking. It’s a classic story about finding your bliss by taking a risk and being true to yourself, and while tales of lemonade-making are never unwelcome, it’s not what makes Leading Ladies so incredibly good. What makes this film an utter delight to watch is the dancing—and I’m not just referring to the brilliantly filmed and masterfully performed actual dance numbers (including a

deliciously executed dance number starring Schwimmer). I’m talking about the grace and ease within which all the actors—from Sheri’s dragzilla stage mother to Toni’s wallflowerturned-delicate lead to Tasi’s self-absorbed prima donna—move from sceneto-scene. One particular scene, in which Toni first meets and dances with the effervescent Mona, stands out above the rest. Filmed overhead, it plays out like a slow-moving kaleidoscope with all the extras moving in concert around the beautiful transformation of Toni and Mona as strangers into perfectly suited partners. It’s this rare moment in time, captured perfectly under the camera’s expert eye. Suffice it to say, Leading Ladies was an absolute pleasure, filled with song, dance and—above all—joy. Visit WolfeRealeasing.com to order.

Streetwalkin’ Starring: Melissa Leo, Dale Midkiff, Julie Newmar, Deborah Offner

… And then there was this. Let’s begin by acknowledging the 800-pound gorilla in the room: the only reason why we were given this film to review was because its lead—a young, doe-eyed Melissa Leo— recently secured herself a well-deserved Academy Award for her performance as Mark Wahlberg and Christian Bale’s mother in The Fighter. Otherwise, this “gem” (and I say that facetiously) would be buried so many other “treasures” (again, facetious) whose only function in the grand scheme of things is to help young actors network August 2011 www.IONAZ.com 53

DVD Movie with people in the industry and pad their resume until they happen upon something better. That being said, let’s talk about Streetwalkin’. Leo stars as Cookie (yep, really), a young runaway who is forced out of the home for (I can only speculate) being accused of sleeping with her mother’s husband. After having a breakdown in a bus station where Duke (Midkiff) is hanging out just generally being a badass (we know this, because he litters), she ends up as a prostitute with Duke as her pimp. But, as the saying goes, pimpin’ (and prostitutin’, by proxy) ain’t easy and after Duke beats a fellow streetwalker to death for trying to leave the lifestyle, Cookie aligns herself with another pimp, an act that essentially puts a mark

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Continued on her back. Then it’s a lot of pimp-handin’, trick-turnin’, and a final fight scene that has me pretty well convinced that Duke is the least-stoppable villain in the history of Cinema, given how getting clubbed with lead pipes, run over by a car, choked, punched, stabbed and shot don’t seem to faze him any. Also, Julie Newmar stars and spends the lion’s share of the film walking around in red lingerie (because that’s not obvious hooker gear. “Oh no, officer … I always loiter on street corners in a lace corset and matching thigh highs, waiting for the early edition of the Wall Street Journal to check on my stock options. Hey, got a light?”) Yeesh. Available Aug. 2 from ShoutFactory.com

Freaky Fridays with Celia Putty Little Edie? Judge Judy? Joan Crawford? The Virgin Mary? Yikes! Catch our very own chameleon and fun powerhouse Miss Gay Arizona America 2011, Miss Celia Putty when she brings her wild and wacky “Freaky Friday” act featuring some of the best drag talent in the entire state every Friday night at 10 p.m. to Friends. 1028 E. Indian School Rd. Phone: 602-277-7729

AUGUST 2011 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE

TIME LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S)

Wed. 3 Fri. 5 Thurs. 11 Fri. 19 Sun 21 Sun 21 Wed. 24 Thurs. 25 Fri. 26

9:00pm 10pm 10:00pm 10:00pm 8:00pm 8:00pm 9:00pm 8:00pm 10pm

The Rock The Rock The Rock The Rock icepics Charlie’s The Rock The Rock The Rock

Dragtini with Victoria Bacon, Felicia Minor, & Celia Putty Scandaleyez with Savannah Stevens Glamazon with T.C. Taylor Scandaleyez FAG TV with Dianna K. Shane Pussy LeHoot & Friends Annual Trash Disco Queen and King A Benefit for Celia Putty Diva Down: A Staged Reading Lady Christian’s Trailer Trash Revue Show

Mondays Tuesdays Tuesdays Wednesdays Wednesdays Thursdays Third Thursdays

9:30pm 8:00pm 10:30pm 10:30pm 10:00pm 10:30pm 10:00pm

Apollo’s BS West Karamba Cruisin’ 7th Charlie’s Karamba Trinity

Drag Bingo Stars of Tomorrow with Kendra St. James Savannah Moussier Steppin’ Out with Judy & TC Claudia B. & Company Ruby Reynolds Inferno with Ruby Reynolds

Fridays Fridays Saturdays Saturdays Saturdays Saturdays 1st & 3rd Sundays Sundays Sundays

10:30pm 9:00pm 10:30p 10:00pm 10:00pm 9:30pm 12:30pm 8:30pm 10:30pm

Cruisin’ 7th BS West Cruisin’ 7th The Rock icepics Charlie’s Cruisin’ 7th Charlie’s Karamba

Devina’s TGIF Elements 7 Deadly Sins - followed by Mandi BoomBoom Host Mia Adams The Barbra Seville Show The Chane Jordan Show Pussy’s Patio Show Steppin’ Out with T.C. Taylor Pussy LeHoot & Friends Diamond’s Show

Fridays

10:00pm Friends Freaky Fridays with Celia Putty

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Good “Windsor” Blowing

estaurants, diners, bistros, cafés, restobars, buffeterias. Whatever you wanna call ‘em, I don’t care. As long as I can get something good to eat. There are plenty of great places to eat here in town. There’s also plenty of lousy places. Then there’s a spate of places I think suffer from The Emperor’s New Clothes Syndrome: everybody “oohs” and “aahs.” There’s not really a lot there. Case in point: I’ve never been particularly impressed with Postino. Sorry. It’s primarily populated with $30K millionaire hipster poseurs in skinny jeans, Chucks, cheap H&M fedoras, and nerd glasses ordering wine and waxing, “It’s a domestic wine without any breeding, but I’m pleasantly amused by its naïveté and presumptuousness” before they go out for a night of Jäger Bombs and cigarettes to pollute those palates that were so “sophisticated” a while earlier. Combine this with an underwhelming and lackluster but much vaunted bruschetta (try Cibo’s. Compare and contrast and get back to me) along a staff with a propensity for eye-rolling with lots of sigh-heaving when you ask for most anything— well—you get my drift. Dude. End of rant. For now.

think I can find anything to pick apart. I love it. A lot! The menu is compact, comforting, a little zippy here and there, and totally satisfying. I think I might even describe it as about as perfect as you can get. We fell in love with the Cheddar Fondue appetizer, a platter with helpings of pulled pork, Schreiner’s Landjaeger sausage and wedges of MJ pretzel bread exclusive to Windsor and Postino. In the center of all this you’ll find a generous cast iron ramekin of two varieties of Collier’s aged white cheddar cheese and parmesan, melted and waiting for your greedy little mouth. Windsor offers twelve casual entrées; are all sandwiches, save for a spectacular platter of New

The latest spawn from the Postino machine is Windsor and Churn situated at the mouth of the silk-stocking North Central neighborhood on Central Avenue near Missouri in a fabulously rehabbed post-War shopping strip. And guess what? I don’t August 2011 www.IONAZ.com 57

Orleans Style Pork Ribs. Oh. My. God. These lean, meaty, slow roasted baby back ribs are delicately basted with Artis’ BBQ sauce, so that the deep, smoky pork flavor still comes through. The star of the sandwich menu is the Crab Cake BLT for $15. You’ll have three jumbo lump crab cakes with Tenderbelly bacon, lettuce and tomato with a whole grain mustard remoulade. Lots of crab cakes are filled out with too much cracker or bread crumbs. Not these. The succulent crustacean is buttery, with the taste of its oceanic heritage swimming to the top. It’s served on a fresh French roll. You’ll have your choice of nine different sides. The Mac & Cheese is not to be missed. Rich, creamy and perfect. A personal favorite here is the Chopped Kale Salad, frigging loaded with antioxidants, it’s close to wild cabbage and one of the most nutritious vegetables in the world. Sorry, parsnips. It’s mixed with dried cherries, shredded carrots, corn, and other good-for-you things your mother used to beg you to eat. Now you’ll crave it. A special treat are Windsor’s specialty

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cocktails. Plenty of times when I hear “specialty” combined with “cocktail” it’s something that involves revolting combinations like olive oil, garbanzo beans, cream of tartar, oregano and scotch. Windsor’s eight magic concoctions are creative, yet still perfect! The No. 61 is Mt. Gay Eclipse Rum, House Marmalade Syrup, Fresh Lime and Orange Flower Water served straight up. Try ‘em all, but at $9 it adds up. Fast. But what a treat! Pitchers, wine and well cocktails are only $5 ‘til 5 p.m. so that helps. Oh, and the staff couldn’t be better. See? I can be nice. If you’ve got a sweet tooth, don’t forget Churn, the ice cream parlor next door, with the dairy desserts made on the premises daily. A fabulous finish! I recommend getting to Windsor early. Parking is mostly valet, and the place gets crowded. And, yes. Some things never change. With the same skinny jean “too cool for school” hipsters, so pack your nerd glasses. But their menu proclaims: EVERYONE IS WELCOME. Even the hipsters. Heck, even me.

WINDSOR & CHURN

5223 N. Central Ave. 602-279-1111 windsorAZ.com

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Barbra Seville’s

Wonderful 100

Walks Again! “T

hese boots were made for walkin’. And that’s just what they’ll do ...” Or sneakers. Or sandals. Or even high heels, if you’re Barbra Seville. Because for the third year in a row “Barbra Seville’s Wonderful 100” will be marching through downtown Phoenix with AIDS Walk Phoenix 2011. Richard Stevens, Barbra Seville’s real life persona may not be pounding the pavement in pumps, but by exerting the considerable influence of Phoenix’s favorite “Blonde One,” he’s helped spearhead the top fundraising AIDS Walk Phoenix team for the past two years.

For the third year, this event and fundraising efforts continues to be important to Stevens. The formula is simple: 100 people raising $100 each. Both years it snowballed. Last year’s team raised a whopping $17,104 out of the Walk’s grand total of $340,000. Even pooches are walking for PAWS for the Cause with Barbra’s team. This year, Barbra’s pal Miss Gay Arizona 2011 Celia Putty has promised to walk with the team in full drag (albeit with sensible shoes) if she can raise $1,000. “But the funny thing is, as important as this is to me, it’s become just as important to other people,” Stevens

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offers. He’s quick to credit those who help organize and walk with the Wonderful 100. “The thing that’s most amazing is seeing people who have never volunteered before get involved. Seeing people who have never done anything like this get excited and making a commitment is special.” Even with all the hard work, memories are made. “My favorite part has been at Charlie’s on the morning of the Walk,” Stevens tells. “We have Wonderful 100 volunteers and our committee checking people in, collecting money, handing out shirts; I just watch it all from the DJ booth. I wander around and visit with people.” He laughs, “I kiss dogs and pet babies.” Steven’s revealed that this might be the last year for “Barbra Seville’s Wonderful 100” and that’s what makes this Walk extra special.

“The walkers, the committee, the volunteers have taken an ownership in the Walk in a way I could not have imagined. They will be able to do this on their own year, or even create 100 new teams.” Stevens has upped the ante for Barbra Seville’s Wonderful 100 this year. “Our goal this year is $20,000—gulp! If we reach our goal, we will have raised almost $50,000 in three years.” You can be part of Barbra Seville’s Wonderful 100, too! Everybody’s welcome to join in! Membership drives and fundraising events will be held to raise funds for AID Walk Phoenix 2011. Go to Facebook and “Like” The Barbra and you’ll be alerted when the events are happening. Or, you can go to AIDSwalkphoenix.org/T330172 and register. Come to Barbra’s events!

Wonderful 100 Sign Up & Events DATE EVENT / LOCATION CITY Aug. 2 Aug. 21 Sept. 9 Sept. 10 Sept. 21 Sept. 27

Welcome Back! Switch Yappy Hour at BS West Bar Crawl: Cruisin’ 7th, Friends, Claude’s Car Wash at Plazma with Dick’s Cabaret Dancers Team Turnabout at Karamba’s Team Rally at Bliss/Rebar

5:30-7:30 2-6 p.m. 9-11 p.m. 9 a.m.- 1 p.m. 10 p.m.-12 midnight 5:30-7:30 p.m.

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Photography by Fernando Hernandez & Kevin Bushaw

“Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets.” Who could resist this darling twoyear-old? Lola is crazy about baseball. And Meghan, too.

The goofy Dahlia wandered into Rob Salvato’s home after a wild life on the rough streets of Phoenix. She’s about six-years-old and always has a smile on her sweet face. Robb is co-owner of BS West. August 2011 www.IONAZ.com 65

“Grrrrrr!” Tom raised Leo since he was a baby cub(fish). He loves swimming upside down and has a very healthy appetite. Whole shrimp is his favorite snack.

“Most Likely to be Class Clown.” That’s Spencer, David Mendoza’s happy-go-lucky pooch. What a cutup! You gotta love him! And David, too, of course.

Stella and Piniot (inset) are the rascally Chihuahuas who keep Maizie on the run when she’s not at her popular (pet-friendly!) bistro on Central Avenue.

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AGRA Rodeo enthusiast and Apollo’s Lounge bartender George says his Shih Tsu Whiskey loves dressing up and is available for dating. Preferably big dogs, like Pit Bulls and Great Danes.

The continental Igor, a French Bulldog/Boston Terrier, loves drag queens, Brie cheese, and snoring in Tina’s lap. Tina is the manager at Maizie’s Bistro and loves karaoke.

This Phoenix Power-couple keeps four geese, a yard of chickens, and foster ducks all on their Phoenix lot! There’s a lot of happy honking going on! ...and clucking, and quacking...

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Add two kids, Ayden and Taylor Rae, throw in Bailey, a Black Lab and A.T., a mix, and you’ve got one, big, happy, non-traditional—but loving—family.

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Who owns who? Molli the Dachshund keeps Kevin on a short-leash. They’re a team.

A successful rehab story! Tweeker the cat was rescued from a meth lab by Jeremy. She’s off the pipe, but now she’s addicted to Taco Bell.

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Carley rescued her puppy, Sid, a Dachshund/Terrier mix, from a dog rescue. He nearly didn’t make it! Kendra was adopted by Cooper, and Texas, from Apollo’s Lounge during their Bars with Benefits event. Kendra is the hostess of BS West’s “Stars of Tomorrow” on Tuesday nights. 70

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Shelby is an American Beagle whose nose gets her in trouble. Sevannah is a Lhasa-Poo who’s a great playmate. Both pooches are rescues and found a great home.

Icarus is the black beauty Trenton comes home to after serving at Switch. Icarus was four-years-old this past Christmas.

Rincon and Lennon (pictured) are sixmonth old blood brothers living with Danny’s Family. They are inseparable, love to swim and wrestle!

The lovable Eva, a Pit Bull, is a pussycat trapped in a great, big, rowdy dog’s body. Eva is a great kisser. She can prove it, too.

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“Polly wanna cracker?” Actually, Polly, a two-month-old Green Cheek Conure, likes anything sweet—that’s why he loves Tavit. They eat breakfast together every morning.

An aspiring Hush Puppy shoe model, the darling Millicent is loves the annual St. Pat’s Day Parade and the yearly AIDS Walk Phoenix, too.

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Todd, a Charlie’s bartender and the rambunctious mix-breed Bella love watching Sex & the City. Bella didn’t care for “Part II.” Then again, nobody did.

Ever the favorite, BS West’s Heather Dowd is adored by the marvelously expressive Karmella, four months old. She loves swimming and exploring. Karmella, that is.

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Zeus, 4, is a spotted Husky-mix. He was adopted at a local animal shelter. His pal is Nixon, a one-yearold purebred husky who escaped the cold of Indiana to come live with Chris and Matt, too.

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Chloe

“Top Dog” AIDS Walk 2010

PAWS for the Cause

ets are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. It’s true, our pet friends add so much more to our daily lives. All they ask for is the occasional belly rub, maybe swatting around a toy mouse. It doesn’t take much considering their endless devotion and boundless enthusiasm for anything we do. It’s estimated that there are 400,000 HIV+ pet owners in the United States. Pet owners everywhere tend to have lower anxiety levels and decrease the onset, severity and progression of stress-related health problems. HIV+ pet owners are far less likely to suffer depression compared with those who do not own pets. AIDS Walk Phoenix 2011 is right around the corner. On October 2, you can raise money that will benefit the many HIV/AIDS agencies and their clients in the Valley. But guess what? You can enlist your pooch to walk that extra mile—or so—with you. It’s PAWS for the Cause! This year Mike Oleskow, a partner in After Hours Gallery, is the Chair for PAWS for the Cause. “It adds to the fun and social atmosphere of the Walk. Think about it as a walking dog park with all the dogs on leashes. It’s a great chance for both to be with friends—old and new—while supporting a truly great cause,” Oleskow said. It has become a significant element in the overall fundraising of the Walk. “The dogs alone raised over $17,000 last year and that doesn’t include the registration fees of the owners,” he added. Do you have the underdog, or the Wonder Dog? Register Fido and the top dogs who raise more milkbones—well—dollars, actually, than other pooches can earn some fantastic prizes. Last year, Oleskow and his partner, Russ Haan, enlisted their own rescue, Chloe, who currently wears the crown. “We really got into the challenge before the day of the Walk to see who was going to be

the Top Dog and it was lots of fun,” Oleskow explained. “It was a friendly competition among the top three dogs to see who could raise the most money; while there was some great prizes to be had as well, everyone was doing it for the cause. I hope to continue that atmosphere of fun and a friendly challenge this year for PAWS. “I think the top three dogs raised around $10,000 last year. Not only that, the Top Dog this year gets to be the Glamour Dog for the PAWS poster next year.” Mike found Chloe in the Encanto-Palmcroft neighborhood, and despite an intense search for her owners, she became part of the family. “We thought of calling her ‘Karma’ but it was just too heady for me,” Oleskow laughed about their mixed-breed foundling. “She’s typically found under my desk during the work day.” All healthy, friendly pups on leashes are welcome to be part of this amazing event. Go to the AIDS Walk website at www. aidswalkphoenix.com First, register yourself, and then you can register up to two dogs to walk with you. Click on the PAWS tab AIDSwalkphoenix.org/paws Rest stops and water will be provided along the route for the pups, and even a ride back if they get tuckered out. You can also use templates provided to create your own posters, fundraising cards, and webpage that will help you get the word out about your dog’s participation and help get pledges in their name. The challenge is on! Will Chloe retain her crown as Top Dog or will she pass it on to another pretty pooch? See if your best friend on four paws has what it takes! If you have any other questions about PAWS for the Cause you can contact Mike Oleskow at PAWS@AuntRitas.org

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OUTRAGEOUS!

Amy Winehouse Alive and Well. OUTRAGEOUS! Working at BevMo!

OUTRAGEOUS!

Winehouse, CONCORD, 27, is a model Calif. — employee, Reports of shining during rock ‘n’ initial 30-day roll RESEMBLANCE train ANY TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY her ACCIDENTAL probationary wreck Amy period. Just Winehouse’s the name sudden “Winehouse” but hardly alone makes her surprising a big bonus to death have a store selling been greatly spirituous exaggerated, beverages. experts report. The “She takes too hard-living, many smoke breaks, that’s for sure. She has booze-swilling, pill-pounding, human one, like, every five minutes,” griped coheroin pincushion who refused to go to worker Wendy Ann Peterbaugh. “All these rehab, saying, “No, no, no” TO is rumored toTRUTH ANY RESEMBLANCE THE IS IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL bottles of Stag’s Leap Merlot ain’t gonna be alive and as well as can be expected, jump onto the goddam shelves by itself.” and working at a BevMo! near Fremont, California. Winehouse is also a connoisseur of the many varieties of heroin—black, white, “So far she’s been a valuable asset to brown and tar. [Please note:BevMo! does the company,” reported store manager, not carry heroin, and there’s no such store Kurt Pearson. “She has a vast knowledge called HerMo! - Ed.] of the subtle intricacies of Pinot Noirs, Chardonnays, whiskeys, and Jägermeister.

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

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OUTRAGEOUS!

Debt Crisis Solved! One Big Gulp at a Time

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

WASHINGTON — Endless haggling and infighting among the President, Democrats and hard to please Republicans may reach a conclusion soon to solve the ANY everRESEMBLANCE growing national debt by raising the ceiling and calling for spending cuts to avoid a catastrophic default.

This’ll work. We hope.”

In a bi-partisan agreement, both sides made some concrete decisions. “We going to tax every Big Gulp at every convenience TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY storeACCIDENTAL by $386 dollars each. Americans consume thousands of these from QuikTrips, 7-Elevens, Circle Ks, Big Boy Howdy’s and other convenience stores “Negotiations were and truckstops across at a stalemate,” the nation,” reported said one GOP one anonymous member House committee member. Speaker John “That’s for the ANY RESEMBLANCE TOTO THE TRUTH IS IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL ANY RESEMBLANCE THE TRUTH TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL Boehner R-OH. 44-ounce size,” he “We’ve got to was quick to point raise to 4.2 trillion out. “The 64-ounce dollars. But size will carry an we’ve got some solutions.” These aren’t extra $129 dollars.” going to be easy for Americans to take, but something’s got to be done,” voiced a “This should help us balance the budget in, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-NV. say, oh, another 238 years or so.”

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS! “These are rock-solid solutions,” said one anonymous panelist. “Give it a chance.

Both parties are also looking at taxing Slim Jims.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

Opening Lines by Robert Hofmann

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“P

ick-up lines never work.” Anyone ever tell you that? If someone said that to you, then you’re either fat or ugly. Pick-up lines do work if you’ve got a gorgeous face or abs you can use to wash your laundry. If you’re blessed with a Taylor Lautner face, even the sappiest lines work. “You look familiar.” Yes, I’ve seen you in my jerk-off fantasies. “I love your shoes.” Here, take them! Take me! I love you! “Your place or mine?” Right here works for me, too! If you’re a Greek god any line will work.

often work until you run into someone who’s actually from the country you’re pretending to be from and he calls you out on it. “Are you really from Australia?” I was asked one evening by a native Aussie after “g’day-ing” my way through an Atlantic City bar one night. Instead of answering, I excused myself to the bathroom, hoisted myself through the window, shredding my new $85 D&G shirt on the way, jumping to the alley below into a puddle of what could only have been piss, and spending the rest of the evening obsessively hosing off my ruined leather shoes. Be sure to stay away from lines that refer to bodily functions. “Did you fart? Because you blow me away.” That never works. Or so I’m told. And don’t use anything too blatantly sexual. “Do you have a picture of me in your wallet? ‘Cuz I can see myself in your pants.” Doesn’t work as a pick-up line. And it doesn’t work on a t-shirt either. At least I heard it doesn’t work.

“You’ve got to be careful using pickup lines. They have to be fresh, witty, smileinducing; all those things you’re not.”

But what about the rest of the gene pool? What about you? What will help a poor sap like you land the big one? (You can take “big one” any way you like. And I’m sure you have.) You’ve got to be careful when using pick-up lines. They have to be fresh, witty, smile-inducing; all those things you’re not. You can’t use a line tonight on your paramour-du-jour, then use the same line next week. You might be using the same line on last week’s bestie, and then you’ll be known as “the guy who asks everyone if they know CPR because ‘you take my breath away.’” If I’m gagging just typing it, imagine what the hotties are gonna’ do when they repeat it to all the other hotties at the bar. Gagging on you is not the correct answer. I’ve feigned foreign accents, which

Don’t use the cheesy romantic lines, either. “I must be in Heaven ‘cuz you’re an angel!” That only works if you are in Heaven. (Shirley MacLaine told me.) “You’re a thief ... you just stole my heart!” I might still sleep with you if you use that line, but I will also shove your face so hard into the pillow that I won’t August 2011 www.IONAZ.com 83

be able to hear you utter another word. Always stay away from the traditional lines, too. They’ve been used so often, you just leave yourself open to a verbal lashing. “Wanna go back to my place?” “Is there an extra cot available at the shelter tonight?” “Where have you been all my life?” “Well, I wasn’t born for the first half of it.” “What do you do for a living?” “I’m a scientist. I test STD antibodies on myself.” You’re setting yourself up for failure.

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The best opening lines are simple. Introduce yourself. “Hi, I’m Rob.” If he puts out his hand and smiles, you’re golden. If he turns away from you, you can still save face. Just tap him on his shoulder and say in a loud voice, “I just wanted to ask you when your sentencing is scheduled.” _ Robert Hofmann is the author of three books, Surrounded by Insanity, An Ordinary Madness, and his latest, One Brain Cell Away from Retarded. He lives in Wilton Manors, Florida, with his partner of 16 years and welcomes email from readers at robshof@aol.com.

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ES and Addicted Brands available at TU Collection by Tan United. 4700 N. Central Ave. Ste. 114, Phoenix 602-274-TANU

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IONPHOENIX 1.

Amsterdam

718 N. Central Ave. - Downtown PHX

(602) 258-6122

2303 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 956-2885

Anvil Apollo’s

5749 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

(602) 277-9373

Bar 1

3702 N. 16th St. - Phoenix

(602) 266-9001

Bliss / Rebar

901 N. 4th St. - Phoenix

(602) 795-1792

BS West

7125 E. 5th Ave. - Scottsdale

(480) 945-9028

Bunkhouse

4428 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 200-9154

Cash Inn

2140 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 244-9943

Charlie’s

727 W. Camelback Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 265-0224

10. NEW! Claude’s Lounge 4132 E. McDowell Rd. - Phx

(602) 275-3509

11. Club Sutra

2424 E. Thomas Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 682-5088

12. Cruisin’ 7th 13. Dick’s Cabaret

3702 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

(602) 212-9888

3432 E. Illini Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 274-DICK

14. FLEX Men’s Club

1517 S Black Canyon Hwy - Phoenix

(602) 271-9011

15. NEW! Friends (Again!)

1028 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix (602) 277-7729

16. icepics videobar

3108 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 267-8707

17. Karamba

1724 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 254-0231

18. Kobalt

3110 N. Central Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 264-5307

19. Lush Lounge

2050 N. Alma School - Chandler

(480) 857-9444

20. OZ

1804 W. Bethany Home Rd. - Phoenix (602) 242-5114

21. NEW! PARADISE BAR

1749 W. Main St. - Mesa

paradisebaraz.com

22. Plazma

1560 E. Osborn Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 266-0477

23. Rainbow Cactus

15615 N. Cave Creek Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 971-1086

24. The Rock 25. Roscoe’s

4129 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 248-8559

4531 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

(602) 285-0833

26. Trinity Nightclub (Thurs) 1420 N. Scottsdale Rd. - Scottsdale infernonights.com 27. Z Girl Club

Recommended

4301 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 265-3233

August 2011 www.IONAZ.com 93

IONBAR GUIDE PHOENIX

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

Apollo’s

Frat Dance Night 10pm 2-4-1 well/dom 50¢ draft refills

$5 red cup/50¢ refills 10a-10p Karaoke 9pm

$5 red cup/50¢ refills 10a-10p Male Strippers 10:30pm

Bar 1

Friday Happy Hour 4-7p 10a-4p $1.75 well/ bud draft

Saturday $2 dom bottle 6-9p 10a-4p $1.75 well/ bud draft

$2 Brown Bagged Beer 10a-4p $1.75 well/ bud draft

Happier Hour 3-6:30p 2-4-1well $5 martinis-$3 all beer & h wine

Brunch 10am-2pm $4 Bloody $3 glass or $10 mimosas pitch

Sunday Chill 2-7pm 2-4-1 alcohol / $10 bucket beer

BS West

ELEMENTS Illusion Show Mandi & the Boom Boom Boys

2-4-1 everything all night Go-go dancers - A new tradition

Karaoke 9pm $1 Miller Lite drafts

Charlie’s

$3 pitchers/2-4-1 well/dom 2-7p $1 Happy Hour 7-9p/Afterhours

$3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 12-7p $1 Happy Hour 7-9p/Afterhours

Volleyball 4-7pm, NEW 3-4-1 $3 Long Islands, $3 pitchers

NEW! Claude’s

2-4-1 Well / $1 Off Every. 2-8p Reverse Happy Hour 11-2am

Beer Bust 2-8pm $1 draft, $2 pitchers, $1 off bottle dom.

Cruisn’ 7th

TGIF - Devina 10:30 pm

AZ Leathermen Strippers 4:3 New Show Hostess Mia Adams

Morning Madness 1st & 3rd Sun $3 Svedka cocktails 7p-close

Dick’s Cabaret

2-4-1 VIP Dances 7pm ‘til 9pm

Off the Hook Tons of Prizes & Giveaways

2-4-1 Cover Charge, Dances & VIP Wristbands

$3 Pomegranate Presses Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

$3 Bottle Beer & Tequila Shot Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

$3 Brunch Drinks 50% off bottles of wine

R Bliss / ReBAR

R FEZ

Sunday Brunch $10 10am-2pm

Friends Again!

FREE Hot Appetizer Bufet 5-8pm

icepics

MEAT - Hot Go Go Dancers $2.50 dom / $3 well / $4 Lg Isl.

The Chane Jordan Show! $4 SKYY cocktails 10pm

Show Tunes Sundays 2pm-8pm 2-4-1 drinks

Karamba

Vaquero Fridays 9pm-11pm Reverse Happy Hour $2 drinks

Top 40 Saturdays 9pm-11pm Reverse Happy Hour $2 drinks

Top 40 Sundays Diamond Show $3 Pitcher Beer Bust

Roscoe’s 10:00p- 1:00a

Cruisin’ 7th | Plazma 4:30p - 7:00p | 10:30p - 1:30p

The Leathermen

R Maizie’s

Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

Happy Hour Brunch 9a-2p 3-6pm Everyday

Brunch All Day Closes at 4pm

R Mi Patio

Fridays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Saturdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Sundays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

R NEW! Paradise Bar

DJ Rebel X 2x1 You Call It Well, domestic & draft 10-mid

Guest DJs 2x1 You Call It Well, domestic & draft 10-mid

$4 Mimosas & Bloody Mary Magdalenas

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm- Open 2-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm-Open 11-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

R Roscoe’s*

The Leathermen! Great Happy Hour

Happy Hour 10am-7pm Free Darts All afternoon

Make your Bloody Mary Bar $8 Lg Isnd Pitch. $3 Beer Pitch.

R Switch

Fri: $3 House Margaritas Open from 11am-Midnight

Sat: $3 House Cosmo Martini Open from 10am-Midnight

$3 Sweet Tea Vodka Lemonade $3 Breakfast Carafes Open @ 10

R Ticoz

Fridays 1/2 off Coronas all day Happy Hour 3-6:30pm

Saturday 1/2 off well vodka Brunch 10a-3p - HH 3-6:30p

Sundays 1/2 off Sangria Pitch Brunch 10a-3p - HH 3-6:30

The Rock

Trinity Nightclub Z Club

FULL MENU

INFERNO: The only 18+ Nightclub every Thursday! Fridays FREE Hot Wings! DJ Tsunami 9p-2a

* LIMITED MENU/TIMES

www.IONAZ.com August 2011

Saturday DJ Rebel X 9p-2a

Trash Disco with Truett John Breen 8pm-Close

FREE PROJECT HARD HAT CONDOMS

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

Drag Bingo 9:30 2 for 1 u-call-it all day/night

Live Cabaret Show 8 pm $2 off any martini

Happy Hour All day / All night

Karaoke 9:30pm

Monday $5 Martini and Manicures

KAROKE $2.50 wel, dom 10a-4p $1.75 well/ bud draft

$1 OFF in your undies/leather 10a-4p $1.75 well/ bud draft

Thursday 2-4-1 U Call It 10a- cl 10a-4p $1.75 well/ bud draft

Student Salvation Mondays $20 Plate of apps + bottle wine

Twofer Tuesdays $20 2 burgers/fries/2 dom beer

2-4-1 Wednesdays 9pm-close 2-4-1 on ALL drinks

Thirstday Thursdays $4 AMF, Lng Islnd/ Skinny drink

W.H.O.R.E. Service Industry $2 dom $3 well $4 bombers

Stars of Tomorrow Show with Kendra St. James $4 Skyy

2-4-1 All Day and All Night A valley tradion!

Alternative Night w/Shane Ecks $2 drafts

Underwear Party 8-cl 1/2 price 2-8pm $3 pitch. 2-4-1 well/dom

2-8p $3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 8p-Close 2-4-1 cocktails/dom

2-8p $3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 8p-close $3 Pinnacle

2-4-1 All Day! Cocktails and beer

2-4-1 Well / $1 Off Every. 2-8p Reverse Happy Hour 11-2am

Karaoke 9pm

Steppin’ Out TC Taylor hosts 10:30 pm - $2 domestic

AZ Leathermen Strippers 10:30 pm

2-4-1 Cover Charge, Dances, VIP Wristbands

Amateur Night Starts at 10pm

Wacky Wednesdays $5 Cover and almost everything else

Stripper Karaoke

$3 Burgers $ Margaritas Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

‘tini Tuesdays $3 Martinis Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

$20 Any Bottle of Wine Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

$3 G Spots Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

Martini Club $5 Pinnacle Marti. Get your Club Card, 10th is 25¢

2-4-1 Thursday Well & Domestic Plus different top shelf selections

Monday Night Karaoke 9p-1a $4 Pinnacle Cocktails 9p-close FREE Poker Tournament 7pm and 10pm

GLEE starting at 7pm 2-4-1 drinks during the show

Karaoke starting at 9pm $3 well/$2.50 dom./$4 martinis

2-4-1 in undies beer/well 9p-cl $3 Three Olives Thursdays

Karaoke Mondays DJ Ramon $2 drinks & $3 Pitch. Beer Bust

Salsa Tuesday Savannah Show $2 drinks & $3 Pitch. Beer Bust

Top 40 Wed. Barbra Seville $2 drinks & $3 Pitch. Beer Bust

TEJANO Ruby Show $2 drinks & $3 Pitch. Beer Bust

The Leathermen perform at Roscoe’s, Cruisin’ 7th and Plazma!

Cruisin’ 7th Ruby Reynolds 10:30p - 12:30p

$4 Bistro Burgers 4-10pm $10 off of all Bottled Wines

Pizza/Wine Special Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

BBQ Short Ribs Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

$3 Mexican Beers Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

Mondays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Tuesdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Wednesdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Thursdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

$4 Margaritas

$5 Signature Martinis

$5 Smirnoff Cocktails

DJ Tsunami 2x1 You Call It Well, domestic & draft all night!

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm- Open 2-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

Monday Pool Tournament 2-4-1 beer & well 7pm-close

2 for Tuesdays 2-4-1 drinks all day

Wednesday All Day Happy Hour

Thursdays 2-4-1 7pm

Mon: $3 House Chard and Cab Open from 11am-Midnight

Tue: $3 Drunken Italian Sodas Open from 11am-Midnight

Wed: $3 Sangrias Open from 11am-Midnight

Thur: $3 Caipirinhas Open from 11am-Midnight

Mondays 1/2 off Mojitos HH 3-6:30pm - Open 11am-Mid

Tuesdays 1/2 off Sangrias HH 3-6:30pm - Open 11am-Mid

Wednesdays 1/2 off Margaritas HH 3-6:30pm - Open 11am-Mid

Thursdays 1/2 off draft beer HH 3-6:30pm - Open 11am-Mid INFERNO THURSDAYS 18+ The hottest, biggest dance club

$4 Wells / $4 Long Island / $4 Adios MF Mondays DJ Spinna 9p-2a $2.75 pitchers

Tuesdays 2-4-1

Wednesdays 2-4-1 Karaoke with Nikki Knowels

$5 Martinis ALL DAY! Minute to Win In 7-9pm

ION ARIZONA August 2011 www.IONAZ.com 95

by Addison DeWitt

It’s August, and that can only mean one thing: It’s time to celebrate “Happiness Happens” Month! It’s also National Goat Cheese Month, but that’s hard to correlate with anything. Unless it actually has to do with goat cheese.

can tell everybody you’ve wrapped your lips around Lucinda’s meat!™” What makes it taste so good? Rumor has it her secret ingredient is lipstick. (That’s not true.™) It’s Happiness! “Happiness Happens on your Tastebuds!™” Who is this dark, brooding, sexy Gypsy Guy (pictured middle) who robbed me? Well, he stole my heart, anyway. Good thing he didn’t nick my wallet; nothing’s in it but an old bus transfer. I have a special “Gypsy Happiness Curse” just for him. Look deep into my eyes ... keep your hands off my “Hello Kitty” wristwatch ...

So back to Happiness. I’ve had so much happiness happening within the past month. ArizonaDrag. com celebrated the best of best of our state’s “ladymen” with their first annual Diamond icepics videobar celebrated their Crystal Awards at fifth anniversary with an extra special The Rock. RuPaul’s Mustache Ride! And I confess: I Drag Race veteran drank the Kool-Aid. I think I was crowd-pleaser, Raven, was the Last Living Man On Earth on hand to “wow” the crowds. (or at least on Facebook) to fall We caught her post-show— in love with Canadian Go-Go wigless—in the walk-in ‘fridge Boy, Carter Banks (pictured with Robert St. James. And left). Believe you me, when I left here’s the photo to prove it! I was so happy, I could hardly walk What happens by the chilled fruit out of the bar without people staring at doesn’t necessarily stay near the chilled fruit. No pun intended. Actually, that’s not my happiness which was bursting at the seams. So to speak. true. It was intended. The very next night it was ArizonaDrag. com’s Dragalicious II with the dazzling and brilliant Raja from last season’s Drag Race entertaining the troops. But for me the highlight of the evening was having a jerky-off with the Ol’ Pueblo’s fabulous Lucinda Holliday. Get your minds out of the glitter gutter! La Lucinda’s beef jerky is one of the fabled victuals of story and song. It’s world famous in Tucson, as a matter of fact. Holliday shared some of her dehydrated snacky treat with me quipping, “Now you

Make this August special with “Happiness Happens Month.” If that doesn’t work, it’s also Panini Month. And the Country Club Panini at SWITCH (shameless plug for an advertiser) is highly recommended. I’d like to take this opportunity to invite Gypsy Guy and Carter Banks to join me in a Panini. (Shameless plug for me.) Don’t wear anything. Hey, Happiness Happens! Share Happiness with Addison. Especially if you’re Gypsy Guy or Carter Banks. Write to him at RumorHound@aol.com August 2011 www.IONAZ.com 97

www.IONAZ.com August 2011

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

“And they call it puppy love ...” You can almost hear Donny Osmond singing. You’ve got an infatuation for someone special that has you feeling giddy as a schoolgirl. Make sure they’ve had all their shots, first. A Virgo wants to play “fetch.”

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22

“How much is that doggie in the window?” Too much! The “purebred” you just had to have proves to be a worthless mutt whose bite is actually much worse than his bark. There’s a loving stray who’d love follow you home. Rescue a Capricorn!

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23

What’s new, pussycat? Wooh! Wooh-wooah! You’re likely to tangle with an alley cat from the wrong side of the tracks. You should feel guilty, but it feels so good. You rascal! Share your Meow Mix with a Leo. Who else?

So that’s where those gerbils have been hiding! Who do you think you are? Richard Gere? You have a so-called “secret” exposed that isn’t true. Laugh it off and all rumors will be quashed. A Taurus will be properly cowed when confronted. Damn fool!

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23

You’ve been up to some monkey business that’s more fun than—well—a barrel of monkeys. Too many monkeyshines on the job could land you on The Planet of the Apes. “Yes! We have no bananas!” is what a Libra tells you, but an Aries has plenty!

Cancer June 22 - July 22

It’s raining cats and dogs! Look out! You just stepped in a poodle! This is a metaphor about something you need to pay attention to, in case you couldn’t tell. You may be “pinsched” by a Doberman that’ll leave you black and blue spiritually, mentally or physically. A Leo is involved.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. But wave a vodka martini under a Scorpio’s nose and you’ll be surprised at the outcome when you get more than you bargained for. Things change mid-month with a Taurus.

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

Hush my darlin’! The Lion Sleeps Tonight! Unleash a mighty roar, if it’s your birthday, you big, gorgeous beast, and you’ll prove who’s King—or Queen—of the Jungle. A little wisdom for a Sagittarius in need will help an Aquarian, too. See how wonderful you are?

A mouse never relies on just one hole, sweetie. Take that any way you like. You usually do anyway. Celebrating a birthday? You just might get some lovely artisanal Gorgonzola cheese. Make sure it isn’t set in a trap. You never can tell. Some schizo Geminis are like that.

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www.IONAZ.com

August 2011

Don’t worry, Chicken Little! The sky is not falling! Don’t let Foxy Loxy lead you astray in your quest for the Truth. You know that basket? Don’t put all of your eggs in it. You’ll be amazed when the allegory comes to life this month.

Who’s afraid of the Big Bad Wolf? Not you! No amount of huffing and puffing will blow your house down. Your optimistic spirit is buoyant and you just might meet Goldi-jocks or Little Red Riding-hole on a Tuesday in the form of a Libra or Virgo.

You’re the proverbial Canary in a Coal Mine. An Aries relies on you to chirp out a warning when things are dangerous. Don’t get carried away, however; sing your heart out when the mood strikes you, and shut up when others have had enough.

July 2011 www.IONAZ.com 101