ION Arizona #152

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FWB KICKBALL

INDIAN SCHOOL PARK

SUNDAYS AT 10AM

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BEARRACUDA

THE ROCK

SEE MORE GREAT PICTURES AT IONAZ.COM 10

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WANNA RIDE?

MALE REVUE

EVERY SATURDAY 10:30 PM 1560 E. OSBORN RD. 602.266.0477 : PLAZMA

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3819 North 3rd Street Suite 26, Phoenix, AZ 85012 (602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com ionarizona@me.com Publisher / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero ............................................ jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ..................................................... kbushaw@me.com Editor Deon Brown ................................................... ionazeditor@me.com COPY EDITOR .......................................................... Austin Head GRAPHIC DESIGNER ......................................... Angel Jimenez SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR ..................... Stacey Jay Cavaliere PRODUCTION & Artwork SUBMISSIONS

ionazproduction@me.com Advertising Sales Karrington Valenzuela ............................................... (480) 760-3073 Shane Martos ............................................................ (206) 769-3845 Danny Catt, Regional Sales Director ......................... (520) 429-5905

ionazsales@me.com

ADVERTISING CONSULTANT Bill Knoop ................................................................. (602) 301-8457

Photographers:

Fernando Hernandez Danny Catt Sean Kapera

James Carden Scotty Kirby Franklin Diaz

National Advertising Representative Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863

DRAG SHOWS • MEN OF STRUT • GOGO BOYS UNDERWEAR NIGHT • SHOW TUNES • KARAOKE

Always something going on...

ContributORS:

Wes Bergman Stacey Jay Cavaliere Addison DeWitt Jackson David Kelly C. Edwards

Published monthly by

For the latest Events, Show Times, and Drink Specials visit

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Ted Kirby Albert Rivas Kim Ruff Paul Sanchez Miss Tiger

1995-2013: 18 Years of Design and Creative Excellence © 2014 JMT Designs, Inc.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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Advantage: Arizona

ne of the greatest advantages of living in Arizona in February is playing sports outside in the warm weather in the south-central part of the state and then grabbing your snowboard and driving a couple of hours up to the north for a fun-filled winter wonderland vacation. The pines, snow and hospitality await.

ION Arizona took a group of friends up to Flagstaff courtesy of Arizona Snowbowl, Little America Hotel and the Flagstaff Convention and Visitors Bureau. First stop, Little America. A great way to experience the great north before, during and after your Flagstaff adventure. Nestled in the towering pines and minutes from charming downtown Flagstaff. Later that night we were treated to a wonderful dinner at the new Brix restaurant.

The next day we hit the slopes.

This year Arizona Snow Bowl has the advantage of creating their own snow regardless of the weather. We took our skis and snowboards and headed for the mountain where we had the time of our lives. I’m not going to lie, the snowmobiles helped us get to some great locations not accessible to most skiers.

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I want to personally thank Jason Stratton at Arizona Snowbowl,Heather Ainardi from the Flagstaff Convention and Visitors Bureau, Little America Hotel and everyone at Brix for their hospitality. I can’t wait to go back! Advantage: Flagstaff.

Only in Arizona can you be a ski bunny one day and a cowboy the next. Then a volleyball star. Maybe a softball jock. Kickball is booming. Don’t forget about swimming with the Phoenix Sunfish. All in February. Advantage: Winter sports in Arizona.

It’s Oscar season! Eat like the stars! We have a great interview with TV and Sirius radio personality Frank DeCaro, author of The Dead Celebrities Cookbook. You can also learn about the upcoming AGRA Rodeo School.

Advantage: ION Arizona.

Because you love and live in Arizona, because you support and donate time and money to your community, because you use ION Arizona as a window to your community, there’s another advantage: You!

Jack M. Tesorero Publisher

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Show Tune Saturday “Sing out, Louise!” Ah, the roar of the greasepaint, the smell of the crowd! If you feel a song comin’ on come to Kobalt for their all new Show Tune Saturday! I’m sure the guy who always sings songs from “Les Miz” will be there. Fun for Broadway queens everywhere! Much better than “Cats.”

Starts at 7 p.m. Kobalt is in Park Central Mall, 3110 N. Central Ave. Phoenix. 602-264-5307 KobaltBarPhoenix.com See ad p. 25

Red Party at Karamba Passion is the fashion! Wear your best red outfit and win cash prizes while the sexy Karamba dancers put you in the mood!

Come in like a wrecking ball, because hostesses Diamond and Ruby will be giving away 10 tickets to the Miley Cyrus show! Saturday, February 8 at Karamba, 1724 E. McDowell Rd. Phoenix. 602-254-0321

Blush & Bashful Enjoy a special evening with members of the Grand Canyon Performing Arts and the Phoenix Metropolitan Men’s Chorus. This event will help benefit Mulligan’s Manor. A cocktail reception, silent auction, gourmet dinner will also feature entertainment by the amazing Kristine W and will be hosted by fabulous Tom Simplot. We’ll see you February 15, 6 p.m. at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel, 2401 E. Camelback Rd. For tix & info visit BlushandBashful.org See ad p. 34

Moda Provocateur When Tucson salons get together with local boutiques and models for a celebration of style, fashion and compassion—watch out! This 11th annual event benefits Southern Arizona AIDS Foundation (SAAF). The stylish evening features dance performances, a fashion show with a design contest and more. The event of the year is Sunday, March 2 at Tucson Convention Center Grand Ballroom, 260 S. Church Ave. Tucson. For info & tix go to SAAFmoda.SAAF.org or call 520-628-SAAF See ad p. 97 22

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White Party & Blackout at AQUA Ladies! The Her HRC Program is for women building their community and learn about LGBT civil rights. Check out hrc.org/herhrc for more info and come to AQUA for the White Party Sunday, February 16 4-6 p.m. Everybody! Get ready for the Blackout Party on Friday, February 28 and get ready to check out the fun at AQUA, 1730 E. McDowell Rd. See ad page 24

FEBRUARY 2014 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE

February Thurs.

Sat. 8 8 12 14-16 14 14 14-15 15 16 16 17 22 28 28 March 1 2 8

EVENT

2-4-1 All Day / Every Day Retro DJ Dance Party Show Tune Saturday Red Party - Miley Cyrus Tix The Renaissance Festival Begins Mini Rodeo The Arizona Gay Rodeo Black Out Party Valentine’s Day Party Customer Appreciation Party Blush & Bashful Carnaval Latino White Party Rodeo Survivors’ Brunch SeduXXXtion Bearracuda Blackout Party

Empress Ball Moda Provocateur Party with a Pisces

LOCATION

OZ The Rock Kobalt Karamba Beyond Cold Canyon Charlie’s Corona Ranch The Rock Karamba Dick’s Cabaret Ritz Carlton Karamba AQUA Charlies’ The Bar The Rock AQUA

CITY

Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Laveen Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix

Bus Crawl Begins @ Stacy’s Phoenix Tucson Convention Ctr Tucson ZOAN Phoenix

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Miss Cosmopolitan America 2014 Pageant Ready for some glamorous bungle in the jungle? Come to the Miss Cosmopolitan America Pageant honoring Tyra Marie for a “Brazilian Safari” on Sunday, March 9 at Phoenix Theatre, 100 E. McDowell Rd. The doors open at 5 p.m. and the pageant begins at 6 p.m. Special guest star, the legendary Miss Sherry Vine will entertain guests with her unique, hilarious send-ups of popular music, only the way she can! Brought to you by Boom Boom LaRue’s.

For more information call 602-665-3441 or visit BoomBoomLaRue.com

FEBRUARY 2014 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE TIME LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S) Sat Feb 8 6:00pm Charlie’s Miss Gay Phoenix America 2014 Sun March 9 6:00pm Phoenix Theatre Miss Gay Cosmopolitan America 2014 Mondays 10:00pm Charlie’s Barbra Seville w/ Strippers!

Mondays 10:00pm Apollo’s Naughty or Nice Bingo with Lezbein & Eryka D. Knowles Tuesday 10:00pm Karamba Savannah Moussier’s Show Wednesdays 9:00pm IBT’s Viva La DIVA Wednesdays 10:30pm Karamba Girls of Karamba - Adriana Galiano, Karime Lizaldi, & Celeste Wednesdays 9:00pm Kobalt 2 Girls 1 Cup with Celia Putty & Guest Wednesdays 10:00pm Charlie’s Nevaeh’s High Heels & Halos Thursdays 9:30pm The Bar Showtime at the Bar with Ian and Barbra Thursdays 10:30pm Karamba Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds Thursdays AQUA Maniqiues with Tyra Marie & Sasha Bratz Fridays 10:30 The Rock Special Event Rotating Drag Shows Fridays 7:00pm OZ Ruby Reynolds with the Boys of OZ Fridays 9:00pm IBT’s Absolutely Flawless with China Collins Fridays 10:00pm Cruisin’ 7th The Barbra Seville Show Fridays 9:00pm BS West Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers 1st Saturday 9:30pm Kobalt Taylor Made with TC Taylor & Special Guests Saturdays 8:00pm OZ Saturday Night Showgirlz with Ruby Saturdays 9:00pm IBT’s Starrletts with Janee Star Saturdays 10:30pm Cruisin’ 7th The Fabulous Mia Inez Adams Saturdays 10:00pm The Rock The Barbra Seville Show Saturdays 10:00pm icepics The Olivia Gardens Show / A Touch of Soul with Maraya Jordan Saturdays 9:30pm Charlie’s Pussy’s Patio Show Saturdays 9:30pm Zorf’s BeDazzled 1st & 3rd Sun. 12:30pm Cruisin’ 7th Sunday Morning Madness with Miss Celia Putty Sundays AQUA Siluetas with Susana Sundays 8:30pm Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot & Friends Sundays 10:30pm Karamba Ruby’s Sunday Follies February 2014 www.IONAZ.com 27

MISS GAY ARIZONA USOFA

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THE VENUE

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by Jackson David Kelly jacksonkelly@cox.net

Yo, DJ! What’s New? The Fray

Helios On their fourth release, the “Over My Head” band is ready to electro-rock your audible senses.

Teaming up with the infamous Stuart Price (Madonna, The Killers) and Ryan Tedder (Adele), The Fray is taking comfortability and pushing that to uncharted territory. Electronic instruments, amassing choruses and drum samples are just a few things to look forward to. Lead single “Love Don’t Die” is the quintessential opening with an almost folk, toe-tapping beat. “Hurricane” follows suit with a driving sound that’s almost EDM. As for the rest, expect much of this to be “club”-esque, as much as you’d associate with The Fray.

Grade: B

Empire of the Sun

Ice on the Dune Somehow this gem slipped past me.

Originally released last year, fans of electronic house take note, because this will be an instant classic in your iPod. Take the softer side to disco add some downtempo house, a bit of Daft Punk, some dubstep and a pinch of Fleetwood Mac to understand the makings of this album. The title track grooves with a midtempo bassline perfect for a cross country trek while “Old Flavors,” “Disarm” and “DNA” are absolutely perfect with their upbeat, chipper quality. The pseudo ballad “I’ll Be Around” encompasses a sliding guitar sound that’s mesmerizing.

Grade: A+

Royksopp

Running to the Sea Known for their Geico caveman song “You Remind Me,” this all new collection of songs becomes their fifth release, dating back to 1998. Known for their house, electronic ambient synthpop, this go around the group experiments and bends the rules.

“Running to the Sea” starts with a haunting sound while juxtaposing the ethereal lush vocals of Susanne Sundfor. This sets standout “Something in my Heart” emotes a longing not heard in music anymore. The Impressibles falsetto vocals heard in that track are also bravely heard in the acid-jazz track “2013.” Grade: B+ Look for other new music from: Silversun Pickups, Eric Church, Broken Bells, Toni Braxton/Babyface, Cibo Matto and Suzanne Vega.

In other music news, everyone’s favorite “Glee” diva Lea Michelle, a.k.a.

“Rachel Berry,” is set to release her debut album next month. Though much is quiet, lead single “Cannonball” should please fans.

To tempt you even further, most of the album was written by the dazzling Sia. ‘Til next month …

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Bring It On: the musical Two squads. Two schools. One mission: claim the title at the National Cheerleading Championships. The world of competitive cheerleading meets the cutthroat rivalries of high school. How do you learn to be true to your team and to yourself? It’s got to get ugly before it gets pretty.

Spirit fingers! February 20-23 at the Orpheum Theatre, 203 W. Adams St. Phoenix. For tix go to Phoenix-Theater.com or call 602-262-7272

The Whale 600 pound Charlie’s boyfriend is dead, so he’s eating himself to death in his crappy apartment in Idaho. He’s desperate to connect with his estranged, angry teenage daughter. Starring Nearly Naked Theatre’s Damon Dering as “Charlie.” February 14-March 1 from Stray Cat Theatre at the Tempe Performing Arts Center, 132 E. 6th St. in Tempe. Go to StrayCatTheatre.org or call 480-227-1766 for tix.

Other Desert Cities Christmas at the conservative Wyeth home takes a dark turn when prodigal daughter Brooke returns home announcing that she’s publishing a memoir dredging up a tragic event: the suicide of her renegade brother.

From AZ Theatre Co. Tucson: thru’ Feb. 8 at Temple of Music & Art, 330 S. Scott Ave. 520-622-2823 • Phoenix: Herberger Theatre, 222 E. Monroe.

602-256-6995 or go to ArizonaTheatre.org for tickets.

FEBRUARY 2014 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE EVENT LOCATION 4-6 The Wizard of Oz ASU Gammage 6-8 OUTLOUD: stories from the Gayborhood Phx Ctr for the Arts 6-9 Ralphie May StandUp Live - Phoenix 7-16 Boesman & Lena Black Theatre Troupe thru 8 Other Desert Cities - Tucson AZ Theatre Co. 13-3/2 Other Desert Cities - Phx AZ Theatre Co. 14-15 Whitney Cummings StandUp Live - Phoenix 14-3/1 The Whale Stray Cat Theatre thru 16 Seven Brides for Seven Bros. AZ B’way Theatre thru 16 August: Osage County Mesa Encore Theatre thru 16 Ain’t Misbehavin’ Phoenix Theatre 20-23 Bring it On: the musical Theatre League at the Orpheum 20-3/22 The Submission iTheatre Collaborative 25-3/2 The Wizard of Oz UofA Centennial Hall 28-3/30 Kiss Me Kate AZ B’way Theatre MARCH 1 Debbie Reynolds Chandler Ctr. for the Arts thru 2 Tribes Phoenix Theatre thru 9 Dial M for Murder Desert Stages Theatre

PHONE 480-965-3434 602-702-0111 480-719-6100 602-258-8128 520-662-2823 602-256-6995 480-719-6100 480-227-1766 623-776-8400 480-644-6500 6002-254-2151 602-262-7272 602-347-1071 520-903-2929 623-776-8400 480-782-2680 602-254-2151 480-483-1664

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One appointment. Expert doctors. Convenient services.

Lanterman Photo 602.577.1640

Mark A. Wyse, M.D.

Ira H. Ungar, M.D.

Kate Montgomery, FNP Allan Goldman, D.O. David Francyk, D.O.

T.E. McCauley, M.D. Charles Levison, M.D. David Anderson, O.D. Andrew Racette, D.O. Optometrist

Because caring for your health has always been our passion, we’ve made the following services conveniently available in our office.

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Walk-ins welcome | M-F 7 a.m. to 5 p.m. and Saturday 7 a.m. to noon.

Open late on Monday and Wednesday until 7 p.m. and Thursday until 8 p.m.

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Panic! At the Disco Too weird to live, too rare to die ... Panic! At the Disco motors down from their home in Las Vegas with super sexy, hot front man Brendon Urie to rock out at the Marquee Theatre at 730 N. Mill Ave. on Friday, February 14. For tix go to LuckyManOnline or call 480-829-0707

Imagine Dragons These heavy-hitting alt-pop-rockers take their radioactive sound and emotional demons on the road with their “Top of the World” tour. Join up with all the cool kids at the U.S. Airways Center, 201 E. Jefferson St. in Phoenix on Monday, February 17. For tickets go to TicketMaster. com or call 800-745-3000.

Miley Cyrus Little Hannah Montana grew up, but she still sticks out her tongue. Like, all the time. Watch Billy Ray’s little twerker come in like a wrecking ball for a party in the U.S.A. at her Bangerz tour on Thursday, February 27 when she crashes into the U.S. Airways Center, 201 E. Jefferson St. in Phoenix. For tickets go to TicketMaster.com or call 800745-3000. She’s just bein’ Miley!

FEBRUARY 2014 ION Concert Calendar DATE 7 7 11 14 14 15 16 17 18 19 19 24 27 28

ARTIST LOCATION George Strait & Martina McBride U.S. Airways Ctr. Alejandra Guzman Comerica Theatre Zappa Plays Zappa Celebrity Theatre Valentine’s Super Love Jam U.S. Airways Ctr. Panic! A The Disco Marquee Theatre Demi Lovato Jobing.com Arena The Temptations Wild Horse Pass, Chandler Imagine Dragons U.S. Airways Ctr. B.B. King Fox Theatre - Tucson Roberta Flack Scottsdale Ctr. Clint Black Higley Ctr. for the Arts The Pixies Comerica Theatre Miley Cyrus U.S. Airways Center Gloria Trevi Celebrity Theatre

PHONE 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 602-267-1600 800-745-3000 480-829-0707 800-745-3000 800-WIN-GILA x 7370 800-745-3000 520-547-3040 480-499-ARTS 480-840-0457 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 602-267-1600

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by Kimberly M. Ruff kimberlymruff@yahoo.com

The Monuments Men Starring: George Clooney, Matt Damon, Cate Blanchett, Bill Murray, Jean Dujardin If I can give you one reason you must see The Monuments Men, it’s the cast. Like the Nazi warehouses depicted in the film overflowing with priceless works of art, this film is packed with some of the greatest acting talent today. The cast is worth the price of admission alone, but you won’t just have to settle for that—it’s also an interesting and true story. Based on the book of the same name by Robert M. Edsel, the picture is set during WWII, focusing on an Allied Forces platoon with seven museum directors, curators and art historians who are tasked with going into fallen Nazi Germany after the war’s end and return the priceless works of art stolen by those nasty Nazis to their rightful owners.

Directed by George Clooney (Up in the Air, The Descendants) who also adapted Edsel’s book for the screen, he stars as George L. Stout, an American art conservationist and museum director who was a member of the Allies’ Monuments, Fine Arts and Archives division (MFAA) alongside Metropolitan Museum of Art director James Rorimer (Damon, The Informant.) Working with Rose Valland (Blanchett, Elizabeth), a member of the French Resistance, they must recover the plundered art. Bill

Murray (Lost in Translation), Jean Dujardin (The Artist), Bob Balaban (Moonrise Kingdom), and John Goodman (Argo) co-star as members of this elite, hypereducated platoon. Release Date: February 7

Robocop Starring: Joel Kinnaman, Gary Oldman, Michael Keaton, Samuel L. Jackson, Abbie Cornish In this remake of the 1987 film of the same name, Swedish-American actor Joel Kinnaman (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo) stars as Alex Murphy, a Detroit police detective whose brush with death results in his becoming the first human-robot prototype, RoboCop. Set in 2028, OmniCorp’s usage of UAVs, or drones, has proved wildly successful in foreign affairs, but they need to apply the same concept to the home front to improve their bottom line. Introducing RoboCop: a human-robot hybrid who possesses all the instincts, heart and dedication of an innercity police detective without any of that messy flesh-and-bone business that makes human beings such a liability in the field.

Something special for the ladies who were married to the preRoboCop meat bag: all the animal you want combined with all the machine you need. It’s a win/win! The only problem for his creators? Despite all that steel and wiring, RoboCop’s still not a drone. Abbie Cornish, Michael Keaton, Gary Oldman & Samuel L. Jackson co-star. Release Date: February 12 February 2014 www.IONAZ.com 41

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DESPERADO FILM FEST

PVCC

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by Wes Bergman wesobergman@yahoo.com

Enough Said (2012) Dallas Buyers Club

(2012)

Starring: Matthew McConaughey, Jared Leto, Jennifer Garner Based on a true story chronicling the evolution of Ron Woodroof from homophobic Texas rodeo cowboy to smuggler of life saving medicine for AIDS patients.

Diagnosed with full blown AIDS in 1985 and given a one month life expectancy, Woodroof (McConaughey, The Lincoln Lawyer) is treated with AZT through a clinical trial assisted by Dr. Eve Saks (Garner, Alias) but finds that the antiviral only exacerbates his symptoms. After chancing upon two unapproved medicines—DDC and the protein Peptide T—and discovering that they help, he hatches a plan to smuggle the drugs from Mexico and sell them to other AIDS patients. Together with Rayon (Jared Leto, Fight Club), an HIV-positive trans-woman, they form the Dallas Buyer’s Club providing the medicine for the cost of membership. Meanwhile, Dr. Saks learns that AZT does more harm than good and tries to end the trial.

Written by Craig Borten, who interviewed the real-life Woodroof before he died in 1992 and directed by Jean-Marc Vallee (C.R.A.Z.Y.), Dallas Buyers Club is an inspirational film about how even in our darkest times we can find light. Worth every single bit of the Oscar buzz it’s getting, this film is an absolute must-see. Available on Blu-ray with DVD, Digital HD & Ultraviolet February 4

Starring: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, James Gandolfini, Catherine Keener, Toni Collette “And now for something completely different!” Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Seinfeld, Veep) stars in this romantic comedy from writer/director, Nicole Holofcener (Friends with Money). Louis-Dreyfus plays Eva, a professional masseuse and divorcée who is invited to a party hosted by her married friends, Will (Ben Falcone) and Sarah (Toni Collette) where she meets Marianne (Keener, Being John Malkovich), a self-described poet. Later she’s introduced to several friends of Will’s, including Albert (the late Gandolfini, The Sopranos.) Afterwards, Albert contacts Eva and they begin dating.

Meanwhile, Marianne schedules a massage and the two eventually bond over their distaste for their respective exes.

As you can imagine, it’s not too terribly long after that when Eva puts two and two together and realizes that the ex-husband her new client’s been trashing-talking is Eva’s new beau. Now she must reconcile her fledgling feelings for Albert with the negative things she’s heard about him— something easier said than done.

Though relatively simple in structure and somewhat predictable, the real gem in this 2014 Golden Globe nominated picture comes from the authenticity of the cast. Now available on Blu-Ray

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by Albert Rivas arivas3@gmail.com

T

his month I’ll focus on FX’s animated series. First up is Archer, in it’s fifth season. Sterling Archer (voiced by H. John Benjamin who also voices Bob on Bob’s Burgers) is a selfcentered secret agent for ISIS, International Secret Intelligent Service. Archer is a relentless womanizer who’s also a raging, functional alcoholic. Not to mention he’s very attractive—for a cartoon character.

I love Sterling’s mother, Malory Archer (Jessica Walter from Arrested Development), the owner and director of ISIS. She’s a gin-soaked, passive/ aggressive bitch who constantly micromanages her team. Top agent Lana Kane (Aisha Tyler) is beautiful and tall with freakishly large hands; she’s the voice of reason in the group. You’ll hear her voice over the others and sympathize with her frustration from being surrounded by morons. Comptroller/field agent Cyril Figgis (Chris Parnell) has big problems performing under pressure. Mentally unstable heiress Cheryl/Carol (Judy Greer) has an erotic asphyxiation fetish and sexually harasses her coworkers. Pam (Amber Nash) is probably best described as the fat punching bag of the cast. As a one-night-stand for Sterling Archer, he describes her as a “chupacabra of dicks.”

Ray (Adam Reed) is a former Southern baptist minister, openly gay (and currently paralyzed) analyst and field agent. He’s the sassiest bitch after Malory. Archer is 007 meets a Real Housewives Reunion Special with some action-packed scenes

Animated Assholes and so many backhanded compliments you’d think this was RuPaul’s Drag Race.

Season 5 opens with the FBI shutting down ISIS with the revelation that Malory has been operating without the permission of the U.S. Government the entire time. She manages to avoid criminal charges for the organization by making a mysterious phone call. Unemployed and largely unemployable—the crew is put to work helping Mallory sell 20 tons of cocaine she amassed during her tenure with ISIS. Recently premiered Chozen (not much creativity when coming up with series titles at FX, it seems) is about a gay ex-con white rapper who wants to get back in the business. Chozen (Bobby Moynihan) is the so-called “hero” after having been sent to prison by his former band mate, Phantasm (Method Man).

Chozen feels like Archer’s embarrassing sibling who’s been locked up in the attic.

There’s no stand out characters and the jokes seem forced and stale. Yes, he’s gay but not even a musical number with buff bears could salvage the premier for me.

Ricky, the Latino (voiced by Michael Peña) cannot be understood—hey, I’m Mexican and even I have a hard time understanding him with his accent.

I’m know my love for TV has often been expressed here, but not even after two bottles of wine did I find this show funny. And after two bottles of wine everything’s funny to me. The majority of time I was uncomfortable and wanting Chozen to end so I could get up and fetch even more wine. It’s way too forced and wanting a gasp factor when all they got was a pity sigh. Both can be seen Monday’s on FX. February 2014 www.IONAZ.com 47

e m i T r Osca Perfect Time is the

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by Deon Brown

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arch 2, 2014 marks the broadcast of the 86th Annual Academy Awards.

You might want to say it’s “Oscar Meyer” time. Hollywood’s cinema history could be about food. How about Liz Taylor’s Who’s Afraid of Virginia Ham? BUtterball 8 or Cat on a Hot Tin Roof Sundae? Have you seen Pacino’s Hot Dog Day Afternoon or Christmas gem Miracle Whip on 34th Street? The Philadelphia Cream Cheese Story is a classic. You can’t forget Silence of the Lamb Chops or Orange Pulp Fiction.

Frank DeCaro, the flamboyant movie critic for “Jon Stewart’s Daily Show,” Sirius XM Satellite radio personality and cinephile knows all about Tinseltown’s tastiest treats and the stars who knew their way around a kitchen.

DeCaro wrote The Dead Celebrity Cookbook: a Resurrection of Recipes from more than 145 Stars of Stage and Screen featuring dining delicacies from the dearly departed.

“I decided I’d rescue the recipes of dead celebrities in a way that was modern and remind people that these people were brilliant,” DeCaro explains. “A celebrity chef was a celebrity who just happened to cook, as opposed to a chef who happened to be a celebrity.” It was a time when convenience foods were considered ‘modern’ for a lot of these recipes.

“There was no shame opening a can of cream of mushroom soup or Lipton Onion Soup mix.

That’s what the future promised us! TV dinners!”

DeCaro laughs. “Now you play with your phone while you’re eating.”

Dramatic actors, comedians, Broadway and TV stars— like gay faves (well, except for Betty White) such as the very dead Blanche, Dorothy and Sophia from “The Golden Girls” had a favorite nosh. Even anorexic singer Karen Carpenter ate once upon a time.

“Gilligan’s Island” star Natalie Shafer (Mrs. Howell) made an easy Tuna Salad. Gay and lesbian celebs like Paul Lynde, Rock Hudson, Andy Warhol, Agnes Moorehead, Robert Reed and transgender Christine Jorgensen have recipes inside.

“I cooked as many dishes as I could and modernized them. You really have to translate the directions with some of these recipes.” DeCaro slaved away February 2014 www.IONAZ.com 49

over a hot stove to make some work. “In so many of them the methodology is spelled out in such an awful way I had to do a little bit of archaeology to figure them out. In some cases it was, ‘What the hell is this?’

They’d say to cook something at a higher temperature or time you know isn’t gonna work. I made them make sense so you really can cook them.”

DeCaro has been collecting celebrity recipes—living and dead—for over a decade.

He started buying anything with a celebrity recipe, searching in flea markets, bookstores and yard sales for old fan magazines, microwave oven instruction manuals, ladies’ club pamphlets and grocery store fliers with a star’s recipe.

“Every once in a while I find something like ‘Mary Wickes’ (White Christmas, 1954; Sister Act I & II, 1992 & ’93) Jell-O Salad,’ or some cockamamie, obscure actress and I’ll get excited!

It’s a little piece of culinary history to go along with a celebrity.

“But when you collect something you’ve gotta do something with it. I wanted to get people in the kitchen, but I also wanted people to discover the work of these people. When you see which recipe a celebrity submitted, it humanizes them.”

DeCaro believes that there’s a logical evolution from the stars of yesteryear to the celebrities today. “If you look at CeeLo Green in a sequined get-up and don’t make the connection CeeLo to Elton John, Elton John to Liberace then you’re just kinda dumb. If Lady Gaga can know who all these people are, so can you.”

Any favorite dishes?

“I love is Harriet Nelson’s (of early TV’s allAmerican sitcom The Adventures of Ozzie & Harriet fame) Chicken and Rice Bake. It’s so homey. Yes, there’s three cans of cream soup. This should come with a defibrillator.

But on a night when most of the country is gripped by a polar vortex winter storm you could do a lot worse than that,” DeCaro recommends.

Some stars were more comfortable in the kitchen than others. Zany redhead Lucille Ball made dinner reservations better than actual dinner. One of her favorite dishes she made she gave the appalling, very un-PC name “Chinkee Goodee.”

Creating a fabulous Oscar dinner party menu is fun and easy using DeCaro’s cookbook.

Need suggestions?

e n i r a h t Ka epburn’s H

s e i n w o r B Ingredients:

• 2 one-ounce squares unsweetened baker’s chocolate

• 1 stick unsalted butter • 1 cup sugar • 2 eggs • 1/2 teaspoon vanilla • 1/4 cup flour • 1/4 teaspoon salt • 1 cup chopped walnuts

Melt chocolate and butter in a

heavy saucepan over low heat.

Remove from heat and stir in sugar. Add eggs and vanilla and beat well. Stir in flour, salt and walnuts. Mix well. Pour into buttered 8-inch baking pan. Bake at 325° for 40 minutes. Cool and cut into squares.

“Cook the recipes of Oscar winners. Start February 2014 www.IONAZ.com 51

s ’ l l a ille B

Luc y Night nda h

Su

s a l u Go

Ingredients:

• 2 bunches green onions, chopped • 2 large green peppers, chopped • 1/2 clove garlic, chopped • 2 pounds ground beef • 1 large can solid packed tomatoes • 1/2 pound small egg noodles.

Sauté

onions, green pepper and garlic until tender. Brown meat in butter, then add sautéed ingredients. Add tomatoes with juice and simmer slowly.

Add salt and pepper to taste.

During last 30 minutes of cooking, add cooked, strained egg noodles.

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out with a passed hors d’oeuvre with Claudette Colbert’s (It Happened One Night, 1934) Cheese & Olive Puff. You can have Ann Bancroft’s (The Miracle Worker, 1962) Che-Cha Pasta, it’s quick and easy. Shelley Winters’ (Diary of Anne Frank, 1959; A Patch of Blue, 1965) Caesar Salad. She wasn’t just the fat lady from Poseidon Adventure, she was an Oscar winner, too. You can do a buffet; you can do Joan Crawford’s (Mildred Pierce, 1945) Poached Salmon.

Even with two cups of mayonnaise it’s totally worth doing. Try costume designer Edith Head’s very rich Chicken Casa Ladera. Or you can do Elizabeth Taylor’s (BUtterfield 8, 1960) Chicken with Avocado and Mushrooms.

No matter what, you have to end with Katharine Hepburn’s (Guess

Who’s Coming to Dinner? 1967; The Lion in Winter 1968; On Golden Pond, 1981) Brownies.

The best brownies ever. If you only buy the book for that recipe you’ve got your money’s worth.”

(Surprise! We have it here!)

Drinks? Inspired by Sunset Boulevard (1950), DeCaro imagines a great libation: the “Joe Gillis Cocktail” ... that’s shots and a splash. (Watch the movie and you’ll get it.) Bottom’s up!

The party doesn’t have to end when the Oscars are over.

“Call in sick to work the next day. You can make Bette Davis’ (Dangerous, 1935; Jezebel, 1938) Red Flannel Hash and Greer Garson’s (Mrs. Miniver, 1942) Capirotada which is sort of like French Toast. Have a glamorous morning!

There’s room for improvisation with most dishes.

“The best things about the cookbook is that you can change the recipes any way you want to, because they’re dead. What are they gonna do to you?”

Unless you’re afraid of maniac Joan Crawford’s ghost, not much.

The Dead Celebrity Cookbook is available on Amazon.com for under $20.

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here are some things in Phoenix that you can always depend on. The Arizona Biltmore. Easley’s Fun Shop. A sale at Macy’s. And, God bless ‘em, Macayo’s Mexican Kitchen restaurants. And now the Johnson family who still owns and independently operates 14 Macayo’s restaurants in the state and two in Las Vegas is branching out in the restaurant world. Their new culinary avenue is imaginative, delicious and you’ll be surprised. The Milagro Grill is—well—kind of a new “miracle” in ethnic cuisine.

With for over 40 years in the business, (family lore holds the legend that a Swedish Johnson ancestor was warned by Pancho Villa to get out of Mexico) they know Mexican food. The Johnson clan has a way of saying, “!Ole!” with mole.

I Believe in Miracles!

influences. Everything you order is made on the premises—the chips, salsas, tortillas.

Everything. The staff is warm, friendly and knowledgeable. Chances are Brynn Johnson will be there. This family is “hands on.”

Nearly a dozen “Entradas” (appetizers) make deciding a fun challenge. The Guacamole ($9) of avocado, serrano chile, onion, a bit of cilantro, cotija cheese and lime juice is still traditional, but with extra “zip.” Add Dungeness crab for $4 and make it “único.” (pictured top) The creative Camarones Dulce gives you a small plate with fresh, firm, beer battered shrimp, sweet aioli, pickled chile and cilantro nestled in cool, crispy iceberg lettuce cups for $10. You can’t go wrong. (pictured center) A “must” for $9 are the generous Tostadas Costilla. (pictured below) Big chunks of tender, juicy, beef short

Nestled in an small, upscale shopping center near the Arcadia, The Milagro Grill created a sophisticated, imaginative menu. It’s not the often Americanized Mexican food you typically find on many menus in the Southwest. This menu offers a unique fusion of Latin American, European and South American February 2014 www.IONAZ.com 55

rib is served on top of a delicious potato purée with an incredible pickled chile, pasilla pepper barbeque sauce and sweet aioli. Served on a hot, corn tortilla, it’ll amaze your tastebuds.

A fun surprise is the PB & J de Puerco for $10 served as a corn taco (pictured top), it’s stuffed with pork belly, tomato jam, peanut butter and arugula.

Sweet and savory, This will be an instant favorite, recalling the childhood after school snack, now all grown up with some international sophistication.

Sample their ten different styles of Milagro Grill’s award-winning tacos. (Hey, these awards come from New Times and The Arizona Taco Festival. Those awards really do mean something!) A favorite is the Chile Verde ($10)with braised pork, tomatillo, guacamole, romaine, Oaxaca and Menonita cheese and pickled onion with corn tortillas. Prices range from $9-$14.

You won’t go wrong!

Platos Fuertes—that’s Éntrees—present eight choices. Tops is the Salmon. A gorgeous seared filet is brushed with a guava glaze served over smashed fingerling potatoes along with delicate orange segments with slivers of rich Serrano ham. Another gem you won’t want to pass up is the Costilla, that’s t-bone steak meat marinated in pasilla pepper barbeque, peanuts, jalapeño bacon, cabbage, horseradish, topped with taro chips and all resting on a generous bed of outrageously good grits. (pictured center) Both dishes are worth it at $19.

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Brunch brings out 11 dishes.

The traditional, homey Chilaquiles with corn tortilla chips tossed with tomatillochile salsa and cheese is topped two gorgeous eggs. (pictured left) Choice of chicken, pork or steak and priced $8, $9 and $11.

There’s no shortage of miracles here. Several soups, salads and creatively prepared flatbreads are available. Five different Tortas (sandwiches) with roasted pork, burgers, skirt steak, chicken or grilled mahi-mahi are available and can even be served burrito style. $10-$12.

Don’t forget to start your visit with one of their astounding handcrafted cocktails. The Bloody Mary will surprise you with a hint of agave nectar and a splash of grapefruit juice. The Sangria is refreshing, with just a dash of raspberry rum. Ask them to surprise you. Finish with their Churros—a religious experience that you have to try. (pictured below) You’ll marvel at the Milagro Grill, where dining is, yes, I’ll say it: a religious experience. You’ll think you died and went to Heaven.

4280 E. Indian School Rd. Suite 101 602.773.5814 MilagroGrillAZ.com

P

portland’s

www.portlandsphoenix.com

602.795.7480

Parmesan Fries

LGBT friendly since 2001 105 W Portland St PHX 85003

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2014

A Collection of Local Independent Favorites

5

Top FEZolutions

u Experience a G-Spot (at least once a week) v Get Happy Everyday 3-6:30pm; 2-4-1 well, beer & margs w Get FEZ’d at Lunch - fast, friendly service & split checks welcome x Try our NEW Delivery Service fezoncentral.com • 602.287.8700 y Relax at Weekend Breakfast 10am-3pm w/$4 brunch drinks fezoncentral

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This New Year, keep it simple.

Order Delivery, Takeout & Reservations via mobile device or desktop

Fresh Food, Classic Drinks, Casual Comfort.

SwitchofArizonA.com 602.264.2295

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by Brittany Pennington

I

Same Love at the Grammys

ON Arizona introduced Brittany Pennington, a local, part-time model for MTV and make up artist in October 2012 when she submitted a thoughtful photo feature and essay titled, “Too Pretty to Be Gay” for National Coming Out Day. Brittany described her relationship with her partner, Sally, and their struggle for acceptance. We are proud to follow up on their story.

For a year my partner Sally and I planned our wedding. We hired a wedding planner, but we were discouraged when members of Sally’s family didn’t approve. We thought of eloping. Then, about a month ago, I answered a talent casting call on Craig’s List about a wedding ceremony taking place at a huge event—we did not know it would be at the Grammys until the day before. We had to keep this mysterious wedding a secret for a whole month; I couldn’t wait for the world to know when we found out we would be married by Queen Latifah, live on the 2014 Grammys to Ryan Lewis and Macklemore’s song “Same Love” with Madonna joining in.

When we walked down the aisle I could see some of the biggest celebrities in

music crying. Keith Urban was crying, Paul McCartney was crying. These people were crying at our wedding!

That’s when it really hit me: Love is love, and love is so beautiful! Katy Perry, one of my big inspirations, was standing two inches from me as I exchanged rings with Sally—she was crying, too. I will never forget that moment.

It’s one thing to follow a celebrity whose music or movies you like, then when you see them showing emotion for something that is so important to you is just such an overwhelming feeling of joy.

There was so many beautiful couples in the ceremony—gay and straight. As part of our wedding gift we all received tickets to the Grammys’ After Party. I was so excited to go and meet people! I was even more excited when hundreds of people were coming up to all of us and asking to take there pictures with us. People described this as “historic,” and “monumental.” They were so touched and happy to see this. Many of the people saying these words were straight. That’s when I realized the World may have discrimination but there are people all over who are rooting for gay people.

I am so happy and blessed to have had this amazing experience and get to marry Sally, the love of my life forever, in front of the world, live, on television.

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Spring Sports Photos by Fernando Hernandez & Scotty Kirby 68

Leagues & Teams Guide

www.IONAZ.com February 2014

Bump, Set & Spike on the Sand!

It’s like beach volleyball, but without the beach! Everyone’s welcome at The Arizona Gay Volleyball Association– they play every Monday (6-Man) and Tuesday Night (4-Man) at Steele Indian School Park with Spring, Summer and Fall seasons. Hurry, the Spring season’s open play dates are February 3 and 10 from 6-10pm.

That’s the best time to find a team! Fan faves like the Karamba Cobras (pictured left) and many other sponsored teams are always looking for the next big thing. Could it be you? Find more info at AZGV.org

Get Crazy on the Court!

The indoor counterpart to AZGV, Desert Volleyball Alliance plays at different dates and times. A member of The National Gay Volleyball Association, they participate in a special player rating system. You can find out more, and register at DesertVolleyball.com

Mens’ Roller Derby Men’s roller derby is relatively new, but it is played at the international level just like womens’ is. Get in on all the action at Broadway Rec Center in Mesa. Visit PhxDerby.com for more info

Just Keep Swimming!

The Phoenix Sunfish is a registered team within United States Master’s Swimming, part of the Arizona Master’s Local Masters Swim Committee and is a proud member of International Gay and Lesbian Aquatics. PhxSunfish.org

February 2014 www.IONAZ.com 69

Spring Sports Cactus Cities Softball League It’s time for Spring Ball! The Cactus Cities League started in 1993 and has grown to immense proportions.

An adult slowpitch softball league in Phoenix, Arizona predominately for gays, lesbians and anyone dedicated to promotion of the amateur athletic experience for persons of all skill level and abilities. League play takes place almost every Sunday (except as noted on the schedule) at Cesar Chavez Park (35th Ave. & Baseline Rd.) for the Open and Women’s divisions. They host a National tournament and Saguaro Cup every year in April. Visit CactusCities.com and SaguaroCup.com

Grab it! Flag Football After successfully hosting Gay Bowl (The Super Bowl of Gay Flag Football) in Phoenix this past October, The Phoenix Hellraisers / Phoenix Flag Football League is a hugely popular sports league.

You can find info at PhoenixFlagFootball.com

The Phoenix Frontrunners Go, go, go! The Phoenix Frontrunners are dedicated to supporting our community in health and education by promoting the adoption of a healthy lifestyle through running and walking.

Whether GLBT identified or GLBT allied, you’re welcome here! Visit PhxFR.org for their awesome website and information.ß

FwB Kickball Run around the playground with a bunch of your friends kicking a big, red ball and yelling your head off! Kickball is here! It happens every Sunday morning at Steele Indian School Park in Central Phoenix. How fun is that? it’s not too late to join in! Every 10 a.m. at the park.

Childish behavior tolerated and encouraged.

No fighting, kids! FWBkickball.com

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29th Annual

RODEO

February 14-16, 2014 7611 S 29th Ave Laveen AZ, 85339

(29th Ave and Baseline Rd)

agra-phx.com

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d y a to e R

Ride!

Ramping up for the Arizona Gay Rodeo at Corona Ranch Photos by Fernando Hernandez, Scotty Kirby & Kevin Bushaw February 2014 www.IONAZ.com 73

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“Rodeo is a competition, but it’s all about having fun, and the friends you make are friends for life...”

“Rodeo School is just what it sounds like. They explain everything about the events. It’s like an open door to a whole new family. You can go in without knowing anything and they’ll help you out!”

- Dan Oldenburg Mr. AGRA 2013

Pussy LeHoot

February 2014 www.IONAZ.com 75

Rodeo Schoo l = is M Learn Basic Tri s + Make New F riends

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ss ixie

T A O F N I g T r E o .

G A-PHX AGR

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o t y d Rea

! e d i R 2014 AZ Gay Rodeo

Schedule Highlights

Weds 2/12 9:30pm

Mini Rodeo at Charlie’s

Thurs 2/13

Fri 2/14

12:00 noon Afternoon 11:00am 6:00pm 6:00pm 6pm - 9pm 10:30pm

RV Park Opens Horse Check-In Rodeo School Dance Hall Entertainment Shuttle Service Begins Rodeo Registration Last Shuttle leaves Rodeo

Sat 2/15

9:00am 9:30am 10:00am 10:00am 1:00pm 1:30pm 11:30pm

Gates Open First Time Contestant Mtg. Shuttle Service Begins Rodeo Begins Grand Entry Dance Hall Entertainment Last Call at Corona Ranch

Sun 2/16

9:00am 10:00am 10:00am 1:00pm 1:40pm 8:00pm 10:30pm 11:30pm

Gates Open Shuttle Service Begins Rodeo Begins Grand Entry Dance Hall Entertainment Awards Ceremony Last Shuttle leaves Rodeo Last Call at Corona Ranch

Mon 2/17 11:00am 1:00pm

Survivors Brunch at Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot’s Survivors’ Show

Corona Ranch • 7611 S 29th Ave Laveen, AZ • AGRA-PHX.COM

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“LET’S SHRED!”

“It’s time to hit the slopes! It’s all downhill from here, babe!

And that’s a GREAT thing!”

Photography by Scotty Kirby Direction by Kevin Bushaw Models are: Scotty, Tony, Dakota & Laura Special thanks to Jason Stratton, Ksenia Hartl & Ski Patrol B.J. Boyle and Jon Gauld Selected Apparel Available at Arizona Snowbowl Sport Shop February 2014 www.IONAZ.com 83

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“It doesn’t matter what skill level you are, Snowbowl has runs for all skill levels, and it’s a great place to learn how to ski!”

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Out & About A

rizona is full of unexpected surprises all across our state.

And just two hours north of Phoenix, one of America’s hottest cities, we’ve got a snow lovers’ sports paradise up in the high country of the Mogollon Rim. Easily accessible with clear roads, Arizona Snow Bowl offers a fun, affordable and extensive run for all levels of skiing and snowboarding, too.

Recently, the ability to make man-made snow created an extended season for skiers and snowboarders who are looking to hit the slopes!

Where to Stay Guys, snuggle up with your boyfriend!

Ladies, bring your girlfriend! Make reservations for The Little America Hotel in Flagstaff where they welcome GLBT guests. Set in the middle of a 500-acre private forest, the rooms at Little America offer beautiful views of the Coconino National Forest’s Ponderosa Pines—the largest in the continent. With amenities including a seasonal, heated outdoor pool, a fitness center, wireless internet and more, this well-known, cozy lodge is a landmark, perfect after a day on the slopes, or after night out on the town.

LITTLE AMERICA HOTEL 2515 E. Butler Ave. Flagstaff, AZ 86004 928-779-7900 Flagstaff.LittleAmerica.com

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in Flagstaff, AZ

Where to Eat Discover Brix Restaurant, located in a historic 1896 Carriage House.

A fabulous wine bar with a menu that features seasonal, farmfocused, organic, sustainable ingredients for contemporary gourmet cuisine. Enjoy a delicious cheese plate, selections from their extensive wine list and entrées with creatively prepared pasta, a wild mushroom risotto, pork shank, duck breast or grilled ribeye this winter.

BRIX RESTAURANT 413 N. San Francisco St. Flagstaff, AZ 86001 928-213-1021 BrixFlagstaff.com

While You’re There ...

Enjoy a stroll through downtown Flagstaff.

Merchants, shopkeepers, bars and diners are gay-friendly. Enjoy the hometown atmosphere and a glimpse into an important town in the history of Arizona.

The main event during winter in Flagstaff is Snow Bowl. Now, with the safe, clear roads and plenty of powdery, man-made snow with a solid thirty inches for skiing!

FOR MORE INFO: FLAGSTAFF CONVENTION & VISITORS BUREAU FlagstaffArizona.org

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SHERATON HOTEL DOWNTOWN PHOENIX

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reveille men’s choir

Moda

Not Your Grandmother’s Fashion Show! ms and

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Sunday March 2, 2014 Tucson Convention Center Grand Ballroom 260 South Church Ave.

For Information and Ticket Prices visit

www.saafmoda.org or call (520) 628-SAAF (7223) TITLe SPonSorS:

Udall Law Firm, LLC

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G3 PARTY

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LET’S GET

PHYSICAL T

imoteo sportswear caters to stylish men who seek the ultimate in comfort and design.

The label is the brainchild of Timoteo Ocampo, a former women’s wear designer who helped launch the BabyPhat brand with Russell Simmons and Kimora Lee. In 2002, Timoteo set out on his own, manufacturing out of his West Hollywood studio select fashion pieces for men.

Within a year he was producing a full line of product including underwear, swimwear, denim and sportswear. This winter he unleashes his next generation of fitness gear, available in stores everywhere and online at Timoteo.net Photos by Tom Cullis | Styling by Timoteo Ocampo and Marius Cigaral | Model is Darrell All clothing available at Timoteo.net

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February 2014

Vol. 8, Issue 1

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

Local Youths Lost in Foam Party Melee OUTRAGEOUS! Popular Scottsdale SCOTTSDALE “d-bag” Zane — Police and Barrows, 26, nightclub was among those personnel are counted among the perplexed.

“Missing” after the When “WHEN,” evening of sudsy a swanky revelry. Barrows nightclub in was a regular at posh downtown ‘WHEN’ since Scottsdale threw ‘WHEN’ was a foam party on ‘SINCE,’ before a recent Saturday it was ‘ABOUT’ night, a total about five years of 521 guests ago when ‘ABOUT’ was about the best club were accounted for throughout the evening, in town called ‘BEST.’ Before that it was according to the records of the club’s doorman, who uses a state of the art manual ‘BEFORE’ where it built a solid reputation on foam party suds. tally counter to count guests. At the end of the night, however, only 516 exited when “I don’t know what happened to Zane,” sobbed high tech security monitoring footage was ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL Tarisha LaBarbera, 22. “He was a d-bag, sure, reviewed. and he disappeared with four skank-‘hos.”

“We don’t know what happened that night at Investigation is ongoing.

‘WHEN,’” said Lou Chance, club ‘WHEN’ manager. “The last time anything like this Because of the incident “WHEN” is rebranding happened was when ‘WHEN’ was called and will be called “BECAUSE.” ‘ABOUT’ about two years ago.”

OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS! ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL May 2012 www.IONAZ.com 115

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OUTRAGEOUS!

LED, CFL Bulbs Means Lights Out for OUTRAGEOUS! Easy Bake Oven

for a dinner PAWTUCKET, party of ten R.I.—Research in her Easy and Development Bake Oven,” department execs said Cynthia at legendary Thompsonchildren’s toy Burr of Chevy maker Hasbro, Inc. announced Chase, Md., ANY TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL “After 48 that RESEMBLANCE the federal hours in the government oven it was mandated LED barely room and CFL light temperature. bulb requirement She’ll never effective January 1, 2014 ruined make it onto the Food Network sales of the famous Easy Bake at this rate.”

The bulbs can’t even cook a biscuit or a simple Oven. The children’s oven used incandescent sugar cookie. bulbs as the element to create baked goods.

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

can we convince little girls that their “Reducing wattage from 100 down to ten ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH “How IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL place in American society should be as a makes it impossible to bake anything,” said one anonymous Hasbro exec. “The little oven could

married, pregnant and barefoot woman in the

high temperature could also make casseroles, quiche, soufflés, even the technically challenging Veal à la Prince Orloff for experienced chefs.”

asked Conservative Decent American Family Values director Mary Ann Congreaves. “They’ll grow up thinking they can be doctors, lawyers or even astronauts!”

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL kitchen if the Easy Bake Oven disappears?” make not only cookies and cakes, but THE the sky TRUTH

The required low wattage bulbs now leave only a cold, wet, sloppy mess of batter on the miniature cookie sheet.

In other news, a low carbohydrate and transgender tuber threatens the future of Mr. Potato Head.

OUTRAGEOUS! “My little Jennifer tried to make Beef Wellington

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL February 2014 www.IONAZ.com 117

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OUTRAGEOUS!

U.S. Gay Jocks Nix Fugly Olympic Duds OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

suitable for lesbians are proposed for the out SOCHI, Russia — Fashion’s runway politics and proud competing athletes in defiance of invade the Winter Olympics. Gay and Lesbian Russia’s anti-gay legislation.

American athletes traveling to Russia to compete in the 2014 Winter Olympics expressed horror ANY TO THE TRUTH “Oooooh!

IS TRAGICALLY They said, ‘It ACCIDENTAL looks much better on,’” and RESEMBLANCE dismay when the U.S. Olympic Committee said one anonymous male figure skater. “I said, revealed the official Ralph Lauren uniforms ‘On IS what, bitch? On fire?’” ACCIDENTAL resembling an old lady’s crocheted ANY RESEMBLANCE TOafghan.

THE TRUTH TRAGICALLY “Girl, those things are ratchet!” said one male ice dancer. “I am not wearing that hot mess for the Parade of Nations!” he sneered with a snap of his little fingers.

The fashion concious French Team sneered, “We thought they were competing for the nation of Ugly Christmas Sweaterland.”

Project Runway fashion guru Tim Gunn advises, “Olympians, make it work!”

OUTRAGEOUS! Alternative uniforms featuring lots of spangles and sequins for the gay men and sturdier fabrics

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL February 2014 www.IONAZ.com 119

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i, loves! It looks as if folks are happily airing their linens (and privates) out all over public clotheslines. This month your Favorite Bitch is doing the dirty laundry - literally. And ya know I had to wash this load twice and dry these bitches’ bullshit on high heat. I especially enjoyed the reader who was on his knees at the laundromat ... and it wasn’t because he dropped some quarters! Enjoy, hunties!

Dear Miss Tiger, I can’t afford expensive clothes. How do I look good on a budget?

— Gina

Dear Maybe He’s Lookin’ At You Like That ‘Cause He Wants Some Head Too, What the fuck do you expect? There he was, minding his own motha fuckin’ business, drinking a Dr. Pepper and counting quarters ... and then you went and gave him a show in which he didn’t have to deposit any of those goddamn quarters.

Find yourself a new laundromat, or better yet, find a man who has his own washer & dryer!

Dear Miss Tiger, My boyfriend Armando has a cute face and I want his body to match it. He won’t lay off the fast food! How can I get him to control his eating habits? His ass is getting too big for his jeans.

— Greg

Dear At Least You’re Writing For Advice And NOT Boostin’ Couture All Over Phoenix Shopping Malls,

Dear Jenny Greg,

Look, boo—A sprinkle of good smelling powder, a squeaky clean pussy and freshly shaven legs go a long way. Once you’ve managed to accomplish that, you’ll have no problem with finding a motha fuckah who can afford to buy your ass those expensive clothes! NEXT!

P.S. You sound like a skinny White bitch who needs to eat, so do us all a favor and choke on Armando’s chorizo and shut the fuck up!

Dear Miss Tiger, Me and my boyfriend were washing clothes at the laundromat. His wet underwear turned me on so much that I decided to take him behind a vending machine and give him head.

We weren’t aware that an attendant was there. Now the guy looks at me funny when I do laundry. Any advice?

— Justin

Look here, bitch, I love me some big fat ass—so stop hating on Armando. A lil’ junk in the trunk is a good thing ... as long as he can still close the goddamn trunk!

Need advice? Write me or ask your questions during The Derek and Romaine Show on SiriusXM OutQ Channel 109 February 10th 7pm MT. It’s Favorite Bitch ... LIVE and ready for bullshit!

Miss Tiger Advice columnist • SiriusXM radio personality ... and everyone’s #FAVORITEBITCH Website FavoriteBitch.com Facebook / MissTiger Advice ask@misstiger.com February 2014 www.IONAZ.com 123

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by Sean Kapera SeanKaperaPhotography.com

Lonnie Wilborn Phoenix, AZ Personal Trainer, Model and Actor (Behind, ModelMichael Hanserd)

AS SEEN IN:

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by Addison DeWitt

F

orget the Super Bowl. Forget Presidents’ Day. Forget Valentine’s Day. Please.

Forget National Bird-Feeding Month. (I’m not kidding.)

I’m soops excited! Why? Because the venerable A department store Nordstrom is “proudly launching” (there terminology, not mine) a shoe collection created by none other than Sarah Jessica Parker, the Talking Mule (A).

B Evidently Nordie’s just discovered her shoeaholic TV persona, Carrie Bradshaw, the Talking Mule from the long gone cable series “Sex and the City.”

Culture Vultures all over the Valley flocked to the R. Pela Contemporary Art gallery. Mr. Robrt Pela is also a theatre critic for New Times and KJZZ National Public Radio. Rumor has it that the fabulous Pandora DeStrange (B) once threatened to kill the curmudgeonly Pela for panning one of the fabled AZ Gender Outlaw’s shows. What was he expecting? Shakespeare?

Anyway, the astonishing, brilliant, eccentric and somewhat artistically schizophrenic Paul Wilson (C) debuted his show, “I Am Not Myself These Days” wherein his unbridled passion for JFK assassin Lee Harvey Oswald, vintage toasters and ladies’ handbags at Pela’s gallery in Phoenix.

And they say Art is Dead.

True story: SJP C told the New York Daily News, “I love the smell of diapers; I even like when they’re wet and you smell them all warm—like a baked good.” Parker’s innate fashion sense (what sense that is, I have no idea. Have you seen her get-ups?), allure and old, foot-like sex appeal will bring in shoppers. Good luck with that.

Clint Eastwood’s legendary detective had “a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world,” he liked to brag in the movies. That ain’t nothin’ compared to the Weapon of Ass Destruction that our very own “Dirty Harry” is packing (D). I highly suggest you go to Zorfs where he works and introduce yourself to Harry. Tell him I

And they accuse me of not reporting the hard news. Bah!

D

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by Addison DeWitt

Oh, brother, Sister! sent you. Here’s Harry on New Year’s Eve, waiting to bring in 2014 with a “bang.”

These are the pix that missed the deadline.

Nobody can dance like the booty-poppin’ Nevaeh Sweetness with Brett Alexander (E). Not even me. Well, maybe if I tried ...

E

F

Talk about a “bad habit” ... did I catch one of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, Sister Navi Ho trying to break her vow of chastity with our very own Ted Kirby? (F)

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The next “Hot Guy of 2014 I Want to Meet:”™ is the tall, devilishly handsome David Ugorowski (G). I’m just crazy about Polish Sausage, you know! I like to go to FEZ, where David works behind the bar, and stare and stare while I sip one Pink Squirrel (H) after another.

G “Yoo hoo! Set ‘em up, David!”

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Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22

W

ith the AGRA rodeo blowin’ into town you’re liable to meet a mighty fine bronco buster who’ll leave you with an achy-breaky heart—and an itchy-twitchy crotch. If you’re drinking doubles you might be acting single; be careful or you’ll wake up with a burnin’ ring of fire. And it burns, burns, burns!

Rednecks and Pabst Blue Ribbon don’t mix.

You’ll win a trophy!

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

Sing, “Ki yi yippee, yippee yay!” Looks like the lone prairie ain’t gonna be all that lonesome for you. You caught the eye of a visiting cowpoke. You may get a roll in the hay, but not much more than that.

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20

Looks like trouble’s brewin’ out in the North Forty. Keep an eye out on your prizewinning livestock because a cattle rustler has their eye on something that belongs to you, pardner.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

This land is your land. This land is my land.

Time to stake your claim, buckaroo. It might be time for a little homestead out in the wild West to call your own. You’ll break in a bucking bronco, too.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Mama, he’s crazy! There’s a fox in the henhouse. It’s someone you know. Get out the ol’ Smith & Wesson double-barrel shotgun, because this varmint needs to be taught a lesson.

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22

There’s a gunfight at the OK Corral, pilgrim.

A friendly game of cards takes a not-sofriendly turn. If you have an ace up your sleeve, pardner, now’s the time to use it.

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There’s only two things you’ll see on the back of a bull: a fly and a fool. Your reckless behavior has others questioning your smarts and book learnin’. Is your risktaking adventurous or just plain stupid?

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22

Don’t squat with your spurs on. You’ll learn a lesson the hard way this month. Your experience leaves you wiser. A tight pair of Wranglers works in your favor.

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23

You’ve run into some out of town jasper who’s vampin’ you with their big city ways.

You didn’t just fall off the turnip truck.

Prove that that you’re not just some dumb, country hick. Here’s your one chance, Fancy, don’t let me down.

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23

They call you “The Whore Whisperer.” That frisky pony in the corral was rode hard and put away wet by a few other cowboys before you and ain’t quite as tame as you think.

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20

You’ve got friends in low places but remember, the good guy wears a white hat, the bad guy wears a black hat. Who will you be? Someone says, “Hi ho, Silver, away!” and saves the day. Is it you?

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

Time to make hay while the sun shines. In other words, get your chores done now. A birthday celebration sees you singin’ “That Silver Haired Daddy of Mine” when you fall for someone older. Will this May-December romance last?

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

Whoa, nellie! You need to be reigned in!

You need a little R&R in the pasture to rest up after the rodeo. Birthday fun sees you gambling in the saloon and a late night game of Strip Poker where everybody wins.