ION Arizona #141 by ION Arizona

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HOMORODEO.COM PARTY

BAR 1

MORE PICS AT TMEDIAPROMOTION.COM

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3819 North 3rd Street Suite 26, Phoenix, AZ 85012

(602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com

ionarizona@me.com

Publisher / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero .............................. jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw ........................................ kbushaw@me.com Editor Deon Brown ....................................... ionazeditor@me.com COPY EDITOR Austin Head PRODUCTION & Artwork SUBMISSIONS ionazproduction@me.com Advertising Sales Jack Tesorero ............................................... (602) 750-1164 Danny Catt, Regional Sales Director ............ (520) 429-5905 ionazsales@me.com ADVERTISING CONSULTANT Bill Knoop ..................................................... (602) 301-8457 Photographers:

Fernando Hernandez Jerry O’Conner Danny Catt Scotty Kirby Devin Mitchell ABOUT THE COVER:

ION Arizona readers and fans chose their favorites bartenders to model for this month’s cover in a close contest via Facebook. It was shot on location at Harley’s Bistro by the talented Scotty Kirby, photographing for ION for the first time, turning out twin covers in one day under deadline. Enjoy! National Advertising Representative Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 ContributORS:

Wes Bergman Addison DeWitt Jackson David Kelly C. Edwards

Ted Kirby Albert Rivas Kim Ruff Paul Sanchez

Published monthly by

Equality is my policy. I’ll treat you and your partner with respect and without judgment. I can help you save on car, homeowners, renters, life insurance, even retirement products. Call me today to get all the discounts you deserve. Hector Cerda (480) 999-7222 hectorcerda@allstate.com

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1995-2013: 18 Years of Design and Creative Excellence

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee. NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company. Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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Tiger Heat! Get some bungle in the jungle at Tiger Heat every Wednesday 2-4-1 night at Oceans7 OPENING March 27th where they’ll be spinning the best of hip-hop! Check out the Elements Dance Crew and the hot ‘n sexy go-go boys & girls. Got a birthday? Enjoy a free bottle of champagne or wine for parties of six or more. Great news! It’s 18+! Come see us at 1420 N. Scottsdale Rd. Call 480-302-1114 or Visit Oceans7AZ.com

Roscoe’s Chili Cook-Off Chili today ... hot tamale! Want to try the best chili west of the Pecos and this side of the Rio Grande? Head over to Roscoe’s on Saturday, March 16 starting at 11 a.m. and sample chili benefiting those hot jocks with the Cactus Cities Softball League. Pre-sale tix are available at Roscoe’s. 4531 N. 7th St. Phoenix. Phone: 602-285-0833

St. Patrick’s Day You’ll find a four-leaf clover—and maybe a lucky leprechaun with a big “shillelagh” (if you know what we mean!)—on St. Patty’s Day. Even if the Irish aren’t so big on the Gay thing, it’s a day when everybody’s Irish! And sexy. Like Colin Farrell. Check out the ads for your favorite bar and see what special treats they’ve got in store for you laddies and lasses!

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Bar with Benefits Weekend Apollo’s is the place to be March 22-24 when they pull out all the stops for a weekend of fun benefiting Joshua Tree Feeding Program’s Pet Assistance Program. Friday: Employee Turnabout Show. Saturday: Adopt-a-Pet Party Raffle at Karaoke and Sunday: the Sexiest Bartender contest! 5749 N. 7th St. 602-277-9373 p. 66

Pornopalooza Leave it to that sweet little girl from the Midwest—with a very dirty mind—to bring the sexiest men—like Marcus Mojo—in XXX movies from Next Door Studios to town. Mandi Boom-Boom is your hostess and she presents another fabulous Pornopalooza on Saturday, April 6. Enjoy 2-4-1 all night! Plus, there’s Fleshjack and DVD giveaways. Yay! VIP passes available! It all happens at BS West, 7125 E. 5th Ave. Scottsdale. Phone: 480-945-9028

MARCH 2013 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE EVENT LOCATION CITY Weds Team Trivia The Rock Phoenix 2, 3 Art Detour Downtown Phoenix Phoenix 3 Moda Provacateur Tucson Convention Center Tucson 9 HRC Dinner Sheraton Downtown Phoenix Phoenix 9 Red Party Karamba Phoenix 10 Gay Day Renaissance Fair Apache Jctn. 15-16 White Party Dick’s Cabaret Phoenix 15 Bearracuda The Rock Phoenix 16 Gloria Trevi After Party Karamba Phoenix 17 St. Patrick’s Day Your Favorite Bar 21 Eric Himan The Rock Phoenix 22 Desert Overture FLASHBACK ASU West 22-24 Bar with Benefits Weekend Apollo’s Phoenix 22-24 IBT’s Spring Street Fair 4th Ave. Tucson 27 Tiger Heat OPENS (weekly) Oceans7 Scottsdale 29-/41 White Party Palm Springs Palm Springs 29-30 Under the Big Top Phx Ctr. for Arts Phoenix 30 Phx Men’s Chorus: ABBA Indian School Hall Phoenix APRIL 3 Gay Skate Great Skate Glendale 5 Splash Bash The Phoenix Place Hotel Phoenix 5 Wendy Ho The Rock Phoenix 6 Phx Pride Parade 3rd Street south of Indian School 6-7 Phx Pride Festival Indian School Park Phoenix 5-6 Under the Big Top Phx Ctr. for Arts Phoenix 6 Unity 2013 The Pressroom Phoenix 7 Phx Social Club Pool Party Saguaro Hotel Scottsdale March 2013 www.IONAZ.com 15

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SARAH PEACOCK

ERIC HIMAN

BLACK CARL

THE VERONICAS

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Join the Phoenix Social Club for an amazing pool party at the fabulous Saguaro Hotel, a Joie de Vivre Hotel in Scottsdale. Enjoy our own DJ spinning our music beats, exotic drink and food treats prepared especially for YOU!

Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;lll have plenty of room to spread out as the entire Picante pool area is set aside for us. Come out to see your old friends and be seen by new ones. Make a splash at THE largest pool party in the desert and spend the last day of Arizona Pride weekend enjoying this phenomenal resort!

The hotel has also extended a special room rate of $109/night for Fri., Sat. & Sun. nights (4/5 - 4/8). Call (480) 308-1100 to make reservations. Mention you are with PSC group. Two night stay will have a reserved poolside day bed. (while supply lasts, entry fee applies)

www.jdvhotels.com/hotels/arizona/saguaro

Phoenix Social Club is a fun-loving not-for-profit organization organizing new opportunities for gay people to socialize and build a more cohesive community. Find more info at www.PhoenixSocialClub.com

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iF WE DO iT MiKE MUNiCH by Deon Brown 22 www.IONAZ.com photos by Devin MitchellMarch 2013

“Does it” at Splash Bash

This is the story about a little boy

from Minnesota who dreamed about the bright lights and the big city and seeing his name up in lights. He worked really hard. He behaved. He studied. He rehearsed. And rehearsed. And rehearsed some more. One day, when he was 19-years-old, he packed up the car and one suitcase and he drove to Hollywood. He went out there a little nobody. And he’s gonna be a star. His name is Mike Munich. “I always knew Minnesota was too small for me. Minnesota could not contain Mike Munich! I needed to conquer the world! “ he kidded, remembering his decision to move. “When I was 12 was when I realized I wanted to work in entertainment. I grew up with the MTV/TRL generation of Britney Spears—she was my driving force,” Mike said. “I was rushing home from school to watch TRL, mimicking the video, taping it and learning the choreography. That’s what I was doing in my ‘tweens.” Now 26-years-old, Mike Munich has worked with some of the greats, even the Mother Monster herself: Gaga. He danced and she humped him for the music video for “Alejandro” and helped

carry her into the 2011 Grammys in the “Magic Egg.” He’s also part of “Vocal Adrenaline” on Glee and The Advocate magazine easily picked him as one of their “Forty Under 40” in 2012. He’s worked with Christina Aguilera, Ke$ha, Adam Lambert, appeared on the American Musical Awards, the Academy Awards ... the list goes on. Pretty glamorous. But who is Mike Munich? “I’m very much a free spirit. I don’t make many apologies for who I am. That’s definitely part of the message I want to convey through my music, my performance and my art—especially to the younger generation,” Mike believes. “Part of my vision is coming from a Gay man— someone who’s lived it, gone through it, and experienced the bullying—and teaching kids, loving them and giving them an outlet to see that you can be whatever you want and do whatever you want and achieve what you want as long as you’re true to yourself and not afraid to explore yourself.” Munich always pushes the envelope when he entertains. He’s always stretching and experimenting. “I love creating concepts for music videos and bringing them to life. March 2013 www.IONAZ.com 23

That’s my favorite part—and the most frustrating. I’m lucky enough to have such supportive and creative friends, like Marco-Marco and Joshua Miller,” he acknowledges. “I do a show once a month called ‘The Rouge Follies.’ It’s very interactive. My character is ‘Rainbow Mike.’ I’m running around like Faggot Supreme! I do one number in heels. It’s fun and kitschy, sexy, funny, weird, uncomfortable. It takes you on a journey all over the place. “I think it’s important to have fun. I think that’s a problem in the Gay community. It’s hard enough; we’ve all been bullied. We’re all damaged goods. We’ve been hurt. We’re insecure. There becomes a selfhating mentality where everyone is trying to overcompensate. The best body, the best job, the most money, the best vacation. People tend to hide behind those things. A pretty face and a sexy body is a dime a dozen here, and I try to be conscious of every element.” Becoming the Next Big Thing and life as a Pop Star in the Making isn’t easy. Especially in Hollywood. Mike Munich has it down to a science and an art.

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“There’s nothing ordinary about the life I lead. A lot of my job entails going out and being active in nightlife. I’m kind of on permanent

vacation. I support myself as an entertainer by dancing, modeling and singing. It’s a great life—but there’s a trap.; it’s very easy to get lost. I keep myself project oriented. This city is hustle, hustle, hustle. Personally, it’s not my thing—but I don’t think anybody really likes to do it.” Mike Munich’s style has large degree of eye-catching panache, verve, and moxie—mixed with his own sex appeal. Lots of it. “I’ve spent the past couple of years exploring my style, my fashion and my art. Some things work and some things don’t. You have to try to figure it out and not be afraid. Sometimes I dance like a woman in the club. I’ll lipsych to all the songs. I’m fine wearing Daisy Dukes and sequins, but I’ve tamed it down. I’ve been going through a ‘re-branding’—keeping things more accessible to people. Less glitzy and glamorous. Then I have my moments when I really want to do something bold or crazy; it’s all in my closet.” Secrets to creating your own personal look? “Sometimes you have to go all the way left and make really crazy choices and some mistakes to discover your style. Then you refine it. It’s a constantly evolving thing. Now I’ve run the gamut from Party Girl, to Circuit Queen, to Sober to Intellectual. I get bored very easily. My problem is waiting for what’s next; wanting more! This was what I always wanted. It’s been a long time coming.” Mike Munich plans on

pulling all the stops out at Splash Bash. “I always try my best to bring an element of fun! I bring a lightheartedness and a sense of understanding. I try to bring the message of unity. I just want to shake everybody and say, ‘It’s not that serious! Lighten up!’ It’s important to be comfortable, express yourself, not apologize and second guess what you’re doing.” You’ll never second guess Mike Munich. Ever.

“Beat the Beat” with special guest star Mike Munich at the Tan United Splash Bash, the pre-Pride Kick-Off Party presented by ION Arizona on Friday, April 5 from noon-8 p.m. at Phoenix Place Hotel + Suites, 3600 N. 2nd Ave., just north of Osborn. Mike Munich’s music is availlable on iTunes. Check out MikeMunich.com for more! March 2013 www.IONAZ.com 25

Head FOR the

HollywooD Hills! It’s Jessica & Hunter! Tinseltown’s Brat Patrol Crash Splash Bash! Again!

Hunter: I’m literally bathing in self-tanner every night in preparation for Splash Bash. I had one rib taken out.

Jessica:

I’m only drinking kombucha and then eating and spitting kale chips ‘til I get there. I’m going to Tijuana to get a couple of ribs removed and get my uterus taken out so I can fit in a size quadruple zero. And I have a tramp-stamp on my lower back that says, “Juicy.” ION: What’s on your Bucket List? by Deon Brown 26 www.IONAZ.com

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J: Hunter and I have a suicide pact: we’re killing ourselves before we’re 30. Because by then you’re, like, Done-ville anyway. Like, no one should be alive past 30. For suresies I wanna be in the Bad Girls’ Club and reach my goal weight of 80 pounds. H: I want to be the color of a Dooney & Burke bag, circa 1987. Dark gold and cognac brown. I want people to think I’m Kanye West. With blonde hair. I wanna get married to a wealthy, old guy and adopt Thailand. J: I wanna punch Anne “Garbage” Hathaway in her horse teeth. Right in her Carrie Bradshaw veneers.

it in a Nicki Minaj English accent and they’ll be super impressed. If that doesn’t work, latch on to a super hot female like Jessica and say, “Oh, we’re on the list,” and walk in. If all else fails, just resort to the H.J. J: Or just go straight for the H.J. ‘Cause I just wanna get into that party A.S.A.P. and get shit-faced. Or go to Home Depot and get a worker person to shoot you with a camera and tell them you’re shooting for a reality show. You’ll get swept right in. ION: What’s in the ideal swag bag? H: Lube. Something flavored so you can use it as a cocktail rim. J: Piña Colada flavored lube. Or Trader Joe’s Wasabi Edamame flavored. ION: Why do you two get kicked out of parties? H: Ewww! I know! It looks like someone took a handful of Chiclets and jammed them in her mouth. We’re just jealous. ION: Any suggestions how to get “behind the red rope” at parties? H: First of all, you act like you know everybody in line. Say, “Hi darling!” Do

J: What? We don’t get kicked out! The party gets thrown outside. Sometimes the cops get involved and they like us to party in their vehicles and in their jail’s drunk tank. Sometimes the after-afterafter parties at Cedar’s Sinai Hospital— where you get your stomach pumped— are amazeballs! H: We may have possibly been escorted out from Zac Efron’s party. We March 2013 www.IONAZ.com 27

J: I regret that I didn’t get my nails painted hot pink with the black French tips; instead I got them painted black with the hot pink tips. ION: Rumor has it that you were spotted at the Boutique that Deals with Artistic Materials of an Adult Nature across the street from the hotel last time you were here. H: We went to get some video head cleaner. The theaters there are really cozy. have a problem: we can’t keep our hands out of his pants. ION: Do you have any trouble with TSA at the airport? H: I take medication for that. It’s all cleared up. I haven’t had any breakouts. ION: You’ve been called “celebrities” and “trendsetters.” Some people also call you “‘ho’s,” “skanks” and “douchebags.” J: And .... you’re point? H: All the best people are skanks and ho’s and douchebags. Look at Kim Kardashian. It’s a compliment. ION: Any regrets? H: I regret I didn’t finish that bottle of Grey Goose last night at that private party for Brandi Glanville. I regret that we only got 240 cc’s of Botox injenctions. I want my face to look like a frozen melted candle—like Nicole Kidman’s. I’m still blinking. It’s terrible. 28

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J: Video Head Cleaner is a mixer. It goes great with Birthday Cake flavored vodka. Hunter stayed longer. When he left there he had on nothing but a pair of man-Spanx. When he came dragging back to the hotel room he was bleeding from his asshole. He says it was a bad asshole-bleach job. ION: Name something at Splash Bash that you look forward to. H: Phases of the Bathing Suit. You show up in board shorts. You move on to a Speedo. You have cocktails and change into a thong. That’s a “must.” J: Phase Four is one Swarovski crystal placed on your urethra. Come see Jessica and Hunter get shitfaced, arrested and thrown out of the Tan United Splash Bash—hopefully. A pre-Pride Party presented by ION Arizona! Friday, April 5 noon-8 p.m. at The Phoenix Place Hotel. 3600 N. 2nd Ave. at Osborn. No Cover from noon-1 p.m. $10 thereafter. Be theresies or be squarezies. Or something like that.

Saturday, March 30th, 2013 Saturday, April 6th, 2013 C.A.R.E. 5th Annual March for Equality AZ Frontrunner's Pride Equality 5K - Casa Grande Walk/Run - Tempe Town Lake Phoenix Metropolitan Men’s Chorus Canyon’s & Echo’s “Dancing Queen” - Memorial Hall

Phoenix Pride Parade - Step off at 10am

Wednesday, April 3rd , 2013 Gay Pride Skate - Glendale Great Skate from 8pm-11pm Benefiting Pride Scholarship Program

Sunday, April 7th, 2013

Thursday, April 4th, 2013 ECHO's Readers Choice Awards - Copper Blues

Phoenix Pride Festival - Noon - 9pm VIP After Party Rooftop at Lustre

Phoenix Pride Festival - Noon - 9pm Friday, April 12th, 2013 Aunt Rita's Foundation Savor Life Soriee - Phoenix Art Museum Friday, April 19th, 2013 GLSEN’s Day of Silence

Saturday, April 20th, 2013 Friday, April 5th , 2013 Miss & Mister Phoenix Gay Pride Finals Phoenix Pride Comedy Slam Phoenix College Bulpitt Auditorium - Memorial Hall ION Arizona's Splash Bash Phoenix Place Hotel

phoenixpride.org

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Wendy Ho at The Rock Okay. She’s not really a “drag queen” per se. But she sure has what masquerades as the heart and soul of a real drag queen. Who? It could only be Wendy Ho. Singer. Rapper. Truth-Teller. And, well ... ‘Ho. The Queen of Sass & Crass is one hot bitch. She’s a hilarious mash-up of street and trash, headlining all over at a lot of very far away places, serving as an inspiration to drag queens everywhere who can’t sing their own music, so they use hers. Catch Wendy Ho at The Rock on Friday, April 5 at 10 p.m. 4129 N. 7th Ave. Phone: 602-614-4154 Get tix in advance at TheRockDMPhoenix.com

FEBRUARY 2013 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE TIME LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S) Fri 8 10:00pm The Rock Juke Joint Sat 9 10:30pm Karamba Red Party with Miss Ruby Sun 17 10:30pm Karamba Rosio Durcal Tribute with Miss Ruby Fri 22 9:30pm Apollo’s Employee Turnabout Show Fri 22 10:00pm The Rock Birthday Massacre with Pandora DeStrange Fri-Sun 22-24 ALL DAY IBT’s IBT’s Street Fair Show with Janee,, Catia,, KiKi, DiVa and more! Fri 29 10:00pm The Rock Lady Christian’s Trailer Trash Revue Sun 31 10:0:30 Karamba Selena Tribute with Diamond Dallas Sun 31 12:00pm The Rock 3rd Annual Easter Brunch with Barbra Seville Fri 4/5 10:00pm The Rock Wendy Ho with Phoenix’s Most Outrageous Singing Queens Sat 4/6 10:30pm Karamba Pride Party with Miss Ruby Sun 7 10:30pm Karamba Lineysha Sparx from RuPaul’s Drag Race WEEKLY SHOWS Mondays 9:00pm The Rock It’s Bingo, Bitches! with Kendra & Aimee Mondays 10:00pm Charlie’s Barbra Seville w/ Strippers! Mondays 10:00pm Apollo’s Naughty or Nice Bingo Mondays 9:00pm The Rock “It’s Bingo, Bitches!” with Kendra Katoure & Aimee V. Justice Wednesdays 9:00pm IBT’s Viva La Diva with Janee Star Wednesdays 10:30pm Karamba Girls of Karamba - Adrian Galiano, Karime Lizaldi, & Celeste Montiel Wednesdays 10:00pm Charlie’s Claudia B. & Company Thursdays 10:30pm Karamba Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds Fridays 9:00pm IBT’s Absolutely Flawless with China Collins Fridays 10:30pm Cruisin’ 7th Miss Dottie Pepper Fridays 9:00pm BS West Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers Saturdays 9:00pm IBT’s Starrletts with Janee Star Saturdays 10:30pm Cruisin’ 7th The Fabulous Mia Inez Adams Saturdays 10:00pm The Rock The Barbra Seville Show Saturdays 10:00pm icepics The Olivia Gardens Show / A Touch of Soul with Maraya Jordan Saturdays 9:30pm Charlie’s Pussy’s Patio Show 1st & 3rd Sun. 12:30pm Cruisin’ 7th Sunday Morning Madness with Miss Dottie Pepper Sundays 8:30pm Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot & Friends Sundays 10:30pm Karamba Diamond’s Show March 2013 www.IONAZ.com 33

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april 23 & 24 asu GammaGe ticKets at asu GammaGe & asuGammaGe.com 800.982.arts (2787)

Groups 15+: 480.965.6678

C e l e b r at i n g a l i f e a n d m u s i C d e vot e d to t h e st r u g g l e fo r f r e e d o m & h u m a n d i g n i t y.

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Photo by rameen gasery

a nati on ... hi s st or y in sp ir ed th e wo rl d! hi s m us ic in sp ir es

Frankie & Johnny The one night stand ... who won’t leave! An aging waitress and a short order cook find love—for a few, scant hours, anyway. Except for one thing: the lovestruck Johnny, with the gift of gab, won’t leave. Maybe these “losers” will find a little bit more. This bittersweet comedy from Nearly Naked Theatre plays Thurs-Sat through March 9 at the Little Theatre at Phoenix Theatre, 100 E. McDowell Rd. For more info and tix call 602-254-2151 or go to NearlyNakedTheatre.com

La Cage aux Folles Who can resist the hilarious story of Albin and Georges, the owners of St. Tropez’ outrageous drag cabaret where Albin stars as the fabulous Madame ZaZa. When their son gets engaged to a conservative family’s daughter, the feathers begin to fly. Sound like The Birdcage? It is! But with fabulous music! Phoenix Theatre, 100 E. McDowell Rd. Phone: 602-254-2151 PhoenixTheatre.com

Sandra Bernhard Madonna’s rumored brief Lesbionic fling with the beautiful Bernhard years ago made her the Topic of the Moment. The pithy, bitchy, catty Bernhard developed material for this one-woman (plus a small band) show called, “I Love Being Me, Don’t You?” where she pulls all the stops out with a Performance Art pastiche of singing, humor and lots of social satire. Saturday, March 16 at the Scottsdale Center for the Performing Arts, 7380 E. 2nd St. For info & tix call 480-994-2787 or go to ScottsdalePerformingArts.org

MARCH 2013 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE EVENT LOCATION 1-31 Buddy Holly Story AZ B’way Theatre 5-10 Memphis ASU Gammage thru 9 Frankie & Johnny Nearly Naked Theatre 8-9 Jim Belushi & Chicago Improv Stand Up Live 12-13 Fiddler on the Roof Mesa Arts Center 3-4/7 La Cage aux Folles Phoenix Theatre 14-17 Fiddler on the Roof Orpheum Theatre - Phx 15 Shakespeare: World of Sports Scottsdale Ctr. for the Arts 15 Paul Reiser Wild Horse Pass 16 Sandra Bernhard Scottsdale Ctr. for the Arts 20-4/7 Wicked B’way in Tucson 22-5/9 The Foreigner Desert Stages Theatre 22 Chris Tucker Celebrity Theatre - Phx thru 23 Private Lives Mesa Arts Center 29 Don Rickles Wild Horse Pass - Chandler 28-14 The Sunshine Boys AZ Theatre Co. 4/4-4/5 Spamalot Comerica Theatre

PHONE 623-776-8400 480-965-3434 602-254-2151 480-719-1600 480-994-2787 602-254-2151 800-745-3000 480-994-2787 877-840-0457 480-994-2787 520-903-2929 480483-1664 602-267-1600 480-644-6500 800-840-0457 602-256-6995 800-745-3000

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4/25/12

DRAG SHOWS • MEN OF STRUT • GOGO BOYS UNDERWEAR NIGHT • SHOW TUNES • KARAOKE

Always something going on...

Let your voice be heard.

For the latest Events, Show Times, and Drink Specials visit

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2-4-1 HAPPY HOUR

4:00-8:00pm EVERY DAY on almost EVERYTHING!

MARTINIS 10:00AM8:00 PM

602-267-8707

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CMY

Members vote at the Annual Meeting to decide the Board of Directors, receive monthly email updates and invites to members-only events and membership drives, discounted Insurance through Mutual of Omaha and a complimentary One Voice Community Center T-Shirt.

Visit www.1vcc.org for full details today!

One Voice Community Center serves as a cultural focal point, uniting LGBT individuals and organizations, and reinvests in the community by providing vital educational, social, and wellness programs in the Metro Phoenix area.

4442 N. 7th Ave. Phoenix, AZ 85013 602.712.0111 www.1vcc.org | info@1vcc.org Living without fear, shame or isolation.

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by Austin Head

Step Right Up to Under the Big Top! Hold your

hats and hallelujah! Big Top’s gonna serve it to ya! The circus is in town, but it’s not your everyday dog-andpony show. Under the Big Top is so torrid, so twisted, that no one should be sitting at home twiddling their thumbs when this debauchery rips through the Phoenix theatre scene. With his nationally recognized skills as a choreographer and director, dancer extraordinaire and risqué promoter, director David Garcia (of Mustache Ride), sends you on a devious journey through all three rings replete with pasties and scantily clad performers galore! Telling the story of a tormented, young girl who struggles for freedom from the Ring Master and the only life she knows as a carnie, Under the Big Top takes a sexy, dark look at the underbelly of a circus gone awry. This will be the first foray for Pyrrah Sutra and Lady Fontayne, co-founders of Scandalesque. Normally they find themselves on stage in these spectacles acting as producers. “The whole show is an extraordinary experience; I can’t wait for Phoenix to see it!” says Pyrrah, “We’ve been working for weeks pushing this show above the par of our past productions. With David at the director’s helm, Under the Big Top will definitely be a

pièce de résistance and not to be missed.” All this goes down at the Phoenix Center for the Arts complete with an exclusive and secluded VIP area where they will be treated to a personal “bevertainer” (an entertainer serving beverages) with the first drink included in the ticket price, including interaction with the emcees and private balcony seating. With a wildly talented cast of Scandalesque performers and David Garcia’s magnificently choreographed stage production, patrons will experience a full spectrum of emotion starting with the opening of the show including a drug induced orgy and raunchy comedy from the hilarious emcees. Next, be enticed by the delightful Burlesque Balloon Beauties, terrified by the eerie, killer mermaids and then relaxed by whimsical nymph clowns dancing on the moon. Expect to be enchanted by beautiful cirque acts, dynamic dancers, spectacular fire arts and more! Enter Under The Big Top with curiosity and exit with exhilaration!

Phoenix Center for the Arts 1202 N. 3rd St. March 29 – 9 p.m. March 30 – 6 p.m. & 9 p.m. April 5 – 9 p.m. April 6 – 6 p.m. & 9 p.m. 18+ to enter. Bar w/ ID Tickets available at Scandalesque.com

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Rev. Charles Coppinger 1964-2013 The gentle and loving heart of Charley

April 4 & 5

8pm Comerica Theatre www.ComericaTheatre.com 1-800-745-3000 www.montypythonspamalot.com 42

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Coppinger was stilled on February 13. Charley’s enormous capacity for Love and Caring knew no bounds. Among his many accomplishments he served as an Chaplain and Ambassador for the Community Church of Hope and Chaplain for the Arizona State Legislature and Hospice of the Valley. More than that, Charley was a Friend to all. “And the day came when the fear of blossoming was less than the fear of remaining held tightly in the bud.”

Natalie Merchant The 10,000 Maniacs may be gone, but you really only need the one, brilliant Natalie Merchant. She joins the Phoenix Symphony to perform music from her latest album, Leave Your Sleep on Friday, March 15. She adapts the poetry of e.e. cummings, Ogden Nash, and others into songs influenced by bluegrass, chamber music and folk. A “must see.” Phoenix Symphony Hall 75 N. 2nd St. For tix call 800-776-9080

Eric Himan Sexy. Hot. Tatts. Muscles. Hot. Talented! And hot! Who knew Gay folk-rock music was so friggin’ cool? Come dig the sexy Oklahoma boy Eric Himan on Thursday, March 21 at the Rock! 4129 N. 7th Ave. 602-248-8559

Desert Overtures Phoenix’s premier GLBT and their Allies present a musical celebration of past, present and future with their spring concert, “Flashback.” Friday, March 22 at 7:30 p.m. at ASU West Campus, at La Sala Ballroom, 4701 W. Thunderbird Rd. in Glendale. Admission is free, but a lovely contribution is gladly accepted! Go to DesertOverture.org for more info. See ad p. 78

ABBA “Can you hear the drums, Fernando?” Don’t miss the Phoenix Metropolitan Men’s Chorus crowd-pleasing “Dancing Queen: The Best of ABBA” on Saturday, March 30 , 7 p.m. at Memorial Hall, Steele Indian School Park. Mamma Mia! Get your tickets early at PhoenixMensChorus.org. Guaranteed to sell out! See ad p. 93

MARCH 2013 ION Concert Calendar DATE 15 16 16 17 18 20 21 21 22 23 24 24 30 APRIL 1 3 4

ARTIST LOCATION Natalie Merchant Symphony Hall - Phoenix Gloria Trevi Celebrity Theatre - Phoenix Muse US Airways Center - Phoenix Flogging Molly Tempe Beach Park - Tempe Owl City Crescent Ballroom Janis Ian Rhythm Room Eric Himan The Rock Gin Blossoms The Venue Desert Overtures ASU West La Sala Ballroom Flyleaf & Drowning Pool Marquee Theatre - Tempe McDowell Mtn. Music Fest Hance Park - Phoenix Kenny Rogers Talking Stick Resort - Scottsdale PMMC: ABBA! Memorial Hall/Ind. Schl. Park

PHONE 800-776-9080 800-469-0301 800-745-3000 800-888-8489 602-716-2222 800-745-3000 602-248-8559 480-945-5551 see ad p. 78 480-829-0707 TicketFly.com 800-745-3000 see ad p. 93

Soul Asylum Soul Asylum Aaron Carter

520-740-1000 602-716-2222 480-970-0500

Rialto Theatre - Tucson Crescent Ballroom - Phoenix Martini Ranch - Scottsdale

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by Jackson David Kelly jacksonkelly@cox.net

Yo, DJ! What’s New? Dido – Girl

Who Got Away

Dido is back after five years and four albums in a career that was initiated by Eminem. Though “Stan” catapulted her to superstardom, Dido’s always had the chops to stand alone. With no pressure, Dido creates a record that reflects fun and that newly found freedom. Working with Rollo & Sister Bliss as well as producers behind Lana Del Rey, Colbie Caillet, P!NK, and Bruno Mars, this album combines dance, dubstep, ambient, hip-hop and folk into one. First single “No Freedom” proves safe but it’s the sultry “Let Us Move On” that screams perfection. Find other great support in “Blackbird,” “Go Dreaming” and the title track. GRADE: B+

Mika – Origin of Love

“Better late than never!” this album from 2012 deserves your attention. Had I known, this would have made my Top 3 of 2012. The “Grace Kelly” crazed artist grows up and offers an album that’s mature, fun, and nearly perfect from start to finish. Part Robbie Williams and part Owl City, Origins sounds current. “Stardust” is this sets jam with its dance-ready beat and a hook that says, “anthem.” Also, find great fun in “Celebrate,” A Pharrell Williams mid-tempo classic and the infectious “Love You When I’m Drunk.” Then there’s the pure and almost angelic “Underwater”— just plain divine. GRADE: A-

Bajofondo – Presente

Bajo-who? For something completely different, this is a “must.” From Grammy and Oscar winning Gustavo Santaloalla, this group of Uruguayan and Argentine masterminds mix up Latin, electronic, hip-hop, jazz, folklore and classical styles to create electro-tango. It’s intuitive, sultry and irresistible. Part instrumental, part lyrical, this album is sure to turn your next pool party into a sexy soiree. “Pide Piso” is just perfect with its haunting piano riffs and an almost dubstep bassline while “Oigo Voces” and its ode to the Beatles a capella style oozes with sophistication. Then there’s the head-scratching “Olvidate” that sounds right out of a futbal stadium. GRADE: B+ Hot off the press! Artists and Bands that have tentative albums for 2013: Beyoncé, Eminem, Arcade Fire, Queens of the Stone Age, Faith Hill, Lil’ Wayne, Yeah Yeah Yeah’s and Lady Gaga. Expect new stuff from: Depeche Mode, The Mavericks, Kate Nash, David Bowie and Justin Timberlake. Also, PSY is in cahoots to record a “Best of” album with new tracks à la Gangham Style which will include an English version of that song. To all those that added Korean to their list of languages spoken phonetic style will now get the chance to find out what they’ve been mouthing. February 2013

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by Wes Bergman wesobergman@yahoo.com

The Sessions The Perks of Being a Wallflower Starring: Logan Lerman, Emma Watson, Ezra Miller, Mae Whitman When The Perks of Being a Wallflower came out last year, I was suspicious. I’ve seen my fair share of high school films and guessed that this would be yet another formulaic storyline that employed typical tropes; in this case, The Shy, Cute Bookworm who befriends a Campy Gay and falls in love with his Manic Pixie Dream Girl/Fag Hag friend. While there are those aspects, Perks is much more. Charlie, (Lerman, Percy Jackson & The Olympians: Lightning Thief) a high school freshman, struggling with shyness and depression brought on by a traumatic incident that occurred in his youth, is thrown a lifeline in the form of Sam (Watson, Harry Potter franchise) and her Gay step-brother Patrick (Miller, We Need to Talk About Kevin.) The real beauty of The Perks comes in the cast. Watson shines as Sam, and understandable as the object of unrequited love while balancing it with sincerity and empathy (typically, the MPDG role is so wrapped up in having her “one original moment” she doesn’t seem aware of other people unless she can use them as a subject for a crappy art project or whatever.) Similarly, Miller’s Patrick avoids the cliché of spitting one-liners as the Gay supporting character, instead adding a wonderfully rich subplot with his clandestine relationship with a closeted gay football player. Available on Blu-ray, DVD.

Starring: John Hawkes, Helen Hunt, William H. Macy Based on the experiences of journalist, Mark O’Brien, The Sessions tells the (largely) true story of a severely disabled man who enlists the help of a sexual surrogate to lose his virginity. In 1955, Mark O’Brien (Hawkes, Winter’s Bone) contracted polio, leaving him confined to a wheelchair and on an iron lung. He went on to graduate with a degree and began a career as a poet and journalist. A Roman Catholic, O’Brien enlisted the help of a priest (Macy, Shameless) and Cheryl Cohen-Greene (Hunt, As Good As It Gets), a sex surrogate, to overcome his shame and embarrassment about his disability. While the film and the journalist’s original article about the experience have a literal and figurative “happy ending,” the faithfulness of the film’s adaptation of this ends when narrating the aftermath. It also neglects to mention that O’Brien had experienced both romantic and sexual feelings for both women and men, a fact that would resonate with our readers and add depth and dimension to a frank discussion about romantic love and sexuality. It’s a film worth watching. Available on DVD and Blu-ray.

Top Gun Starring: Tom Cruise, Val Kilmer, Kelly McGillis, Anthony Edwards Two words: Volleyball scene. A classic. Available on Blu-ray 3D and 2D. March 2013 www.IONAZ.com 51

www.IONAZ.com March 2013

by Kimberly M. Ruff kimberlymruff@yahoo.com

Jack the Giant Slayer Starring: Nicholas Hoult, Eleanor Tomlinson, Stanley Tucci, Ian McShane, Bill Nighy, Ewan McGregor Based on the “Jack and the Beanstalk” and “Jack the Giant Killer” fairy tales comes a new fantasy/adventure film by director, Bryan Singer (The Usual Suspects). Nicholas Hoult (Warm Bodies) stars as Jack, a young farmhand, who unwittingly opens a gateway to the world of Giants by way of his magic beanstalk. This reignites a centuries-old war between humans and Giants, as the Giants attempt to reclaim the land they lost so long ago. Now Jack must fight to preserve his way of life and save Isabelle (Eleanor Tomlinson), the Princess. I don’t know about you, but this makes me hopeful that there’s a gritty reboot of Mario Brothers in the works. Release Date: 03/01

Stoker Starring: Mia Wasikowska, Matthew Goode, Nicole Kidman When India Stoker’s (Wasikowska, The Kids are Alright) father dies unexpectedly in an automobile accident, her previously unknown uncle, Charlie (Matthew Goode, A Single Man), promptly moves in with her and her emotionally unstable

mother, Evelyn (Kidman, Rabbit Hole). Though quite charismatic and charming, it’s not long before India begins to suspect her uncle of ulterior motives. A psychological horror written by actorturned-screenwriter, Wentworth Miller (actor, Prison Break) and directed by Park Chan-wook (director, Oldboy), the film is stylistically similar to Alfred Hitchcock’s thriller, Shadow of a Doubt, although their storylines take different paths. It received largely positive reviews at its premiere at Sundance and garnered praise for its abundance of subtle clues to the mystery that lies just beneath the surface. Release Date: 03/01

Oz the Great and Powerful Starring: James Franco, Mila Kunis, Michelle Williams, Rachel Weisz, Bruce Campbell In this prequel to the 1939 Technicolor classic The Wizard of Oz, Oz the Great and Powerful stars James Franco (Howl, Milk) as Oscar Diggs, a smalltime circus magician scratching a living in Kansas before he is whisked away to the magical Land of Oz. There, his marginal talents as a sleight-of-hand artist suggest fame and fortune for citizens who are ripe for the taking ... until he meets the witches—Theodora (Kunis, Black Swan), Evanora (Weisz, The Brothers Bloom), and Glinda (Williams, My Weekend with Marilyn). Faster than you can say, “Abracadabra!” Diggs must transform himself not only into the Great and Powerful Oz, but also into a better man. Directed by Sam Raimi (Evil Dead) and co-starring Bruce Campbell, it’s certain to be an exciting film. Release Date: 03/08

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by Albert Rivas arivas3@gmail.com

his month it’s all about Revenge. And lezbihonest: we all love an eye-for-aneye. “When I was a child my father was framed for a crime he didn’t commit. Before he died he left a roadmap for revenge that led me to the people who destroyed our lives.” Spoken by Emily Thorne, born Amanda Clarke played by Emily VanCamp, who I’m surprised can show such range after being so dull in Brothers & Sisters. Now here is the part where it gets confusing. Amanda Clarke has switched identities with former cellmate Emily Thorne (Margarita Levieva). Actually, that wasn’t that confusing. Emily’s father, David Clarke (James Tupper), was falsely accused for taking down Flight 197 by the Graysons and his former friends and colleagues. Victoria Grayson (Madeleine Stowe) had an affair with Clarke; she’s as vindictive and ruthless as they come. Conrad Grayson (Henry Czerny) is the head honcho of Grayson Global and the male version of his wife. No show isn’t complete without a love triangle and this geometry has poor Emily at a crossroads from Daniel Grayson (the very attractive Josh Bowman, her enemies’ son) and her first true love, Jack Porter (Nick Wechsler). This is where the 3-way gets awkward: Jack is now married to Amanda Clarke, thinking that’s the Amanda Clarke from his childhood.

This show is plagued with identity crises, infidelity ... and Daniel’s sister: Charlotte Grayson (Christa B. Allen), the love child of David and Victoria who is Emily’s halfsister. Everybody knows that before you destroy lives you need a good tech-savvy ally and that’s Nolan Ross (Gabriel Mann). He describes himself “about a 3 on the Kinsey scale.” Will Emily keep her secret plan or will she be a victim ... just like her father? You can watch Revenge on Sunday nights on ABC and the first season is streaming and steaming on Netflix. Now, a man that has his own revenge—against NBC—is Joel McHale from Community. Season 4 premiered in February after an uncertain fate, floating in limbo since October. Then again, a show filled with inner turmoil is also a way to get attention by getting rid of the series creator, Dan Harmon followed by the vocal Chevy Chase. The premise of the show is Jeff (McHale), a former lawyer, is attending Greendale Community College after being disbarred for lying about his education. He joins other students in a Spanish study group who all come together as campus misfits. Show stealer is Abed Nadir (Danny Pudi), and the one to watch. He reminds me of Zoey Deschanel, only more adorable and dry humored. If you love pop culture references and a narcissistic sexist, this is your show. The homage to Law & Order and the paintball gun war will have you laughing so hard you might pee your pants a little bit. Community airs on NBC on Thursdays. March 2013 www.IONAZ.com 55

www.IONAZ.com March 2013

Culinary Dropout S

Is too cool for school.

am Fox is crazy. Crazy like a—well— ”fox.” With Fox Concepts restaurants dotting the culinary landscape, you can’t go far without finding one of his kitchens’ cooking. Zinburger, NoRTH Italian Farmhouse, Sauce, True Food Kitchen, Olive & Ivy, Arrogant Butcher, Modern Steak, Wildflower and Blanco Tacos + Tequila. They’re sprouting up like portobello mushrooms. His latest “gastropub,” Culinary Dropout, not only has a location in chi-chi Scottsdale (natch!) but one in viva Las Vegas, inside the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino. The latest Dropout is part of a burgeoning campus called, “The Yard.” After pouring $8 million dollars into the gigantic 53,000 square foot facility, another Dropout debuted. Culinary Dropout has a pleasing, tasty (if largely unadventurous) menu. Think “comfort food” with a little twist. With an uncomfortable price tag. An attractive antipasti menu featuring meats, veggies and cheeses kick off the event with prices from $2 for bread & olive oil and (yikes!) $13 for Iberian Ham, a Spanish delicacy.

The 11 entrées prove to be a hard choice; prices range from $13 for Meatloaf served with familiar friends, mash potatoes, gravy and green beans. The highly touted Fried Chicken gives you a rather puny breast, leg and thigh for $16. Ours was served room temperature along with the mashed potatoes and a biscuit. If it was hot, it would’ve been heavenly—but still expensive. I wish I knew the secret to the breading, however. Cast your line for the delish Rainbow Trout, de-boned, beautifully filleted, prepared with plenty of butter and daintily topped with French green beans, a few caramelized shallots and toasted almonds. A nicely sized fish, but it looked a little lonely on an even bigger platter. A spoonful of Rice Pilaf or a polenta would helped justify the whopping $19 they reel out of your wallet. Try out a few nibbles available at Happy Hour for a fraction of the price on Monday-Friday, 3-6 p.m. A tempting Brunch Menu is available Saturdays & Sundays, 9 a.m.-3 p.m. The Yard will also house Little Cleo’s Seafood Legend, opening March 20.

Shared plates include brats or black mussels ($12) and their fabulous Soft Pretzels & Cheese Fondue for $10. Seven different sandwiches can be yours. Turkey Pastrami is served on a pretzel roll with Swiss cheese and coleslaw for a pricey $13. Nice. But not necessarily a bargain. A French Dip with shaved prime rib, fontina and au jus is a wallet-busting $17. Six different salads are featured; the Winter Salad ($12) with sweet potato, apples, farro, pomegranate, black kale walnuts and goat cheese is something you’ll find yourself craving. March 2013 www.IONAZ.com 57

One draw for The Yard will be the never-ending patio, stretching as far as the eye can see. McDonaldâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s has a PlayHouse with a JumpJump and slides for AD/HD brats. Dropout has the same thingâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;except for hipsters. Pingpong tables, cornhole, bocce and tetherball will keep you occupied while you wait. And wait. And wait for a table. On busy nights you can expect a 2-hour wait. At least. Parking is a challenge, but valet is free. The Yard is still worth a look/see. But watch out: look at your wallet. See it disappear. 5632 N. 7th St. - Phoenix Hours: Monday-Thursday 11 a.m.-10 p.m., Friday 11 a.m.-midnight, Saturday 9 a.m.midnight, and Sunday 9 a.m.-10 p.m.. Phone: 602-680-4040 FoxRC.com

His long board is almost as fun as ours.

www.IONAZ.com March 2013

Lunch. Dinner. Late Night. Weekend Brunch. Online Reservations @ blissonfourth.com • 602.795.1792 blissrebar

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More Bliss In Your Life 33 New or Enhanced Menu Items. More Vegetarian, Entree & Brunch Selections. Plus Your Regular Bliss Favorites.

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$4 weekend cocktail carafes 10am-3pm

Weekend Brunch specials on Saturday & Sunday 10am-3pm. Daily Lunch specials & drink specials too! Lunch. Dinner. Late Night. Weekend Brunch. Reservations @ fezoncentral.com or 602.287.8700

Fresh Food, Classic Drinks, Casual Comfort. SwitchofArizonA.com 602.264.2295 fezoncentral

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www.IONAZ.com March 2013

Have a Gay A

Olde Tyme Photos by Jerry O’Conner Art by Kevin Bushaw | Text by Deon Brown

re you goin’ to Scarborough Fair? Forget that! Come ye merry lads and lasses! Hie thyself hence and get thee to the Arizona Renaissance Festival & Artisan Marketplace, celebrating 25 years of cheers, beers—and giant turkey legs! Enjoy comedy, acrobatics, games, jousting, arts & crafts and more! 12601 U.S. 60 near Apache Junction. Forgeteth thee not, dudes and damsels,

Gay Day is Sunday, March 10. Visit RoyalFaires.com/Arizona for more information.

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Barely Balanced

“If you become a doctor folks

will face you with dread. If you become a dentist they’ll be glad when you’re dead. You get a bigger hand if you can stand on your head! Be a clown, be a clown, be a clown!” Acrobats Big, Medium and Small (Jimmy, Cameron, and Margret) are the zany, flexible buffoons who defy gravity, leaving you amazed and begging for more! Did we mention they’re sexy/hot, too? Check out BarelyBalanced.com for more!

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Hey Nunnie Nunnie Meet the nuns from the Sisterhood of the Wailing Soul. You’ll find the rosary rattling antics of Mother Redempta and Sister Philomena Claire of those comical mackerel snappers “Hey, Nunnie Nunnie” are positively “habit” forming! All the mirth, none of the sin. Better than church! Visit HeyNunnieNunnie.com for some of their ungodly fun!

www.IONAZ.com March 2013

The Tortuga Twins “W

e sail the ocean blue! And our saucy ship’s a beauty!” The raucous Tortuga Twins, D’Angelo, Raphael and Scaramouche, are three rowdy buccaneers who’ve been swashbuckling at the Arizona Renaissance Festival since 2004. Don’t miss their racy “Rated R” show at the end of the day. Find out more about those plucky pirates at TortugaTwins.com. Aargh, matey! March 2013 www.IONAZ.com 65

Ye a rs of Cheers!

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Vol. 7, Issue 2

March 2013

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

Pope Elmo asks, “Can you tell me how to get to Vatican Street?” OUTRAGEOUS! VATICAN CITY, Rome — The sudden announcement of the resignation from the Throne of St. Peter by His Holiness Benedict XVI rocked the world, especially to the nearly 1.5 billion Roman Catholics across the globe.

puppet, either. The College of Cardinals is proposing a pope with an untarnished reputation, untouched by scandal nor with controversy. The search has extended beyond St. Peter’s Basilica and might end in a shabby, Lower East Side neighborhood in Manhattan on a road called Sesame Street. The fuzzy, lovable, red, fun-fur covered Elmo is a candidate for the next pope. ACCIDENTAL

OUTRAGEOUS!

The Pope cited failing health as the impetus for bowing out since his election on April 19, ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY 2005. Pundits “Elmo is the perfect Pope!” said one Cardinal. speculate that escalating rumblings of the “Who can resist him? Children certainly love Benedict’s role in masking rampant child him—just as much as he loves them. You abuse worldwide play a role in his sudden might say he can’t keep his hands off of them.” swan song. As Joseph Cardinal Ratzenger, he was appointed Prefect of the Sacred The new Pope is expected to be seated before Congregation, when as “Grand Inquisitor” Easter Week. suspicion arose concerning priests’ pedophile cover-up.

OUTRAGEOUS! Rome is looking for a pope who’s not just a

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL May 2012 www.IONAZ.com 79

I am a friend, a Latino, and a peer educator. And I am living with HIV.

José (center) has lived with HIV since 2001. Get the facts. Get tested. Get involved. Visit ArizonaHIVAware.com.

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OUTRAGEOUS!

Horse Meat: It’s What’s For Dinner!

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

U.K.—The scandal galloping across Europe shocked the world when it was revealed that horse meat was found mixed into beef dishes sold across the ANY RESEMBLANCE continent.

Meat Helper,” a specially developed prepared mix that will help thrifty households stretch their horse meat skillet casseroles and covered dishes. “We think our

Lippizaner Lasagna TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

Grocer’s freezers featuring preprepared foods, like meatloaf or Shepherd’s Pie, are being recalled across the United Kingdom, France and Sweden, unable to support the 100% beef claim used in ANY TOTO THE TRUTH IS foodRESEMBLANCE labeling. ANY RESEMBLANCE THE TRUTH

and Clydesdale Casserole fill a real void in prepared dinner entrées,” said one anonymous development chef in Betty Crocker test kitchens. “Our rich and savory Pony Pies are sure to be a big hit, and our Chincoteague TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL is perfect! Our IS TRAGICALLYChili ACCIDENTAL Burro Burritos are a big hit already!”

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Manufacturers of various packaged foods including a pasta and speciality seasonings and spices are often sold in prepared boxed mixes. These frequently help “stretch” meals for families on a budget.

Test kitchens are developing Quarter Horse Quiche, with only one-fourth of the calories and saturated fats.

OUTRAGEOUS!

Horse meat. It’s what’s for dinner!

Coming soon consumers can look for “Horse

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HOTEL CONGRESS

RETRO GAME SHOW NIGHT SHERATON HOTEL DOWNTOWN PHOENIX

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by Addison DeWitt

Please arrive early for best seating and fondling. Enjoy a cock.Tail during the show. And please: remember to tip your waiter! And stripper!

rends come. Trends go. Remember the Generra “Hypercolor” t-shirts from the early 90s. No? Maybe your big brothers or sisters do. Or your parents. Remember LMFAO? Last year’s neon frame sunglasses? Sorry. Out. But from the “What On Earth Are They Thinking?” File: Meggings™.

I thought these were a Fashion Crime Against God & Nature. That was until I saw them on (and off of) Tucker Scott (A), d-d-d-dreamy Go-Go Boy Extraordinaire. Now I’m a Meggings™ fan. They look much better on ... on the floor, that is. (Oh no I didn’t!) (Prepare for the clever segue of this column.) Now let’s get to the real meat and potatoes of things. And, yes. I’m talking about Cal. And Brody. And Adonis (B). Oh, garçon! One order of Trouser Trout, and one order of Tube Steak, and one Cream Filled Meatstick. Plus six orders of potatoes on the side—well, under, actually. I like the Yukon Gold, Red Rose and Pink Eye potato varieties the best. Without jackets, please. (See how seamless that was? And it just got kinda dirty, too. Rawr!) I love going to this Beef Buffet every Thursday night at BS West, 10 o’clock p.m. I like the VIP dances—they make me feel like a little “whore d’oeuvre.”

Head Weenie Wrangler (there I go again! Head ... Weenie. Get it? Do I need to explain it to you?) Mandi Boom Boom and her cohostess Kiki Andrews (C) (formerly Vermont since the Witness Protection situation I just made up) say, “Be our breast!” I mean, “Guest.”

So-called ladies and gentlemen of the jury: I take this opportunity to present Penis Proof! Well, almost. This is a family magazine, after all. Of sorts. Kinda. Anyway, Miss Kiki Andrews is an actually a real, live boy! As evidence I present a (urine) specimen as Exhibit A: a very nearly surreptitiously procured snapshot of sneaky Kiki using a urinal—in the Men’s Room! A-ha! This is exactly what those nitwits at The Center for Arizona Policy warned us about, people! What’ll it be next? Dogs living with cats? Mass hysteria! Do you have any idea how long it took to get everything that was plucked, shucked and sucked re-tucked into fourteen pair of pantyhose and Forever 21 jeans? I’m not sure, either, frankly. Ask Kiki. I really don’t know. Really. You can see that it’s the little things— well, and the whoppers!—that get me through the day. And night. And that’s not counting the Corbin Fisher videos. Or the AstroGlide. Or the FleshJack (thanks, Mandi!). But they sure help. A lot more than the old Generra Hypercolor t-shirts, that’s for sure. March 2013 www.IONAZ.com 97

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www.IONAZ.com March 2013

Maybe it’s the luck of the Irish, but

you’re on a winning streak this month! The Vernal Equinox on March 20 gives mixed messages. Blonde or brunette? Top or bottom? Spit or swallow? Try a bit of everything.

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

A lucky penny, horseshoe, four-leaf clover, rainbow and maybe even a unicorn lend unexpected good fortune this month. If it’s your birthday you’ll win a prize. It may be in a contest, or in your personal or professional life. Hopefully, it’s worth money.

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20

You feel pressured into something that makes you uncomfortable. This might be at work, school or at home. Maybe even in bed. Just relax. Breathe through your nose. Unless you’re in bed. Expect luck with a gamble.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

You’re wildly creative nature keeps the public guessing. Sometimes it’s entertaining. Sometimes it’s a little surprising. The world loves you for the shock value alone! Good luck happens early this month.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

You just may find a fluke of good fortune falls in your lap later this month. You may discover someone exciting wanting to dive into your lap, too. Best to keep this a secret, or everybody else will want one.

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22

You’ll be kissed by Kismet late in the month. Seriously. Someone named “Kismet” will kiss you. Just kidding! However, you’ll experience some much needed serendipity that boosts your self-confidence. Not that you need it.

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22

You may not find a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but you may get dinner and a

movie with somebody you’ve had your eye on for some time. This happens late in the month, so be patient. It’s worth it.

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22

You will find a magic field of four-leaf clover around the corner! Early in March a stroke of success will benefit your current circumstances after a recent spate of misfortune. It may happen at work or at home. You deserve it.

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23

Eat your Lucky Charms! You’ll find metaphorical marshmallow treats in your life that give you magical powers! Well, not really. But there are some surprises among the daily vitamin and mineral fortified oats of day-to-day living.

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23

It’s not like you can just wave your magic wand and say, “Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo.” Well, you can. But it doesn’t work. Hard work does. A favor is repaid. Finally!

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20

A mischievous leprechaun throws you off track with a trick. Not the good kind of “trick,” either. Follow your instincts and you’ll be on the right track in no time. A reward comes your way soon.

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

You reap what you sow. The roses of success are yours when you earn a hard won victory. This involves money, a promotion, or sex. Maybe all three. Sometimes strings are attached. Sometimes handcuffs—if you’re really lucky.

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

It’s like you won the Irish Sweepstakes, the Lottery, the Kentucky Derby and Bingo—all at once! You’ve got the Midas Touch, but be careful where you stick your finger. Birthday? Expect a special gift—but save the receipt. Just in case. March 2013 www.IONAZ.com 99

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