ION Arizona #97 July 2009 by ION Arizona

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Live Your Dream Eight years ago I was living a nightmare. In 2001, my advertising agency I started in 1995 was failing. But my love for Arizona was growing. So I decided to create a magazine that was literally named after the idea of focusing on this great state: Eye on Arizona. Then we shortened it to IONAZ, which was later changed to ION Arizona. Now we just call it ION. But before all this, I saw my own mortality when my mother passed away at the young age of 41. I was only 14. Thrust into adulthood, I had to cook for myself, wash my own clothes, work a part-time job, go to school, and try to enjoy extra curricular activities. Oh yeah, at the same time I was questioning my sexuality. After I graduated high school, my ﬁrst girlfriend died at 18 in a car accident. Since then, over 20 people close to me have died prematurely. Personally, I have had several death threats. I had to obtain an order of protection, I’ve had people slander and libel me, I’ve had many competitors try to take us down and I’ve had many, many material items taken from me. But they never took my dignity, my passion for excellence or my love of this state. It just made me stronger. One thing I learned from all of this was to not only enjoy life, but realize that there is a sense of urgency when living it. It is easy to sit and do nothing or work a boring 9-5 job. It is harder to say, “I can’t wait. I want it now!” So we started ION because we wanted to promote Arizona as THE place to

live, work, and play. But we also wanted people to feel good about being gay. As we celebrate our 8th year publishing ION, I want to thank all the people who have helped us get to where we are today: My past business partners, all the sexy models, our writers, editors, photographers, salespeople, assistants, make-up artists and all the businesses that advertised with us I say from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU! We still make mistakes. Last month we published an ad for Splash Bash as a place for everyone, but unintentionally and unfortunately we offended our friends and members of the AfricanAmerican community. The image we chose was an error in judgement. ION is accepting and inviting, not the other way around. We are very sorry. We apologize to everyone. My goals for the next eight years are simple: Continue to grow and improve ION, to help people feel good about being gay, to promote Arizona and the many gay and gay-friendly businesses that support us and our community. And not get bogged down with all the drama in our community. As we celebrate eight years of publishing ION, people ask how I’m doing now, I conﬁdently say “I’m living the dream.” My dream. What’s yours? Are you living it? Time is running out. Jack M. Tesorero Publisher

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ION ARIZONA CENTER 3819 North 3rd Street Ste. #10, Phoenix, AZ 85012

(602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com

ionarizona@me.com

PUBLISHER Jack M. Tesorero ....................... jacktesorero@me.com CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw - Ext. 4 ..................... kbushaw@me.com EDITOR AND CONTENT CZAR Deon Brown - Ext 2 ................... ionazeditor@me.com PRODUCTION ASSISTANT Craig Rubin ................................. ionarizona@me.com PRODUCTION & ARTWORK ionazproduction@me.com ADVERTISING SALES Jack Tesorero, Ext 1 .................. jacktesorero@me.com PHOTOGRAPHERS:

Jerry O’Conner

Don Thompson

NATIONAL ADVERTISING REPRESENTATIVE Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 CONTRIBUTORS:

Corey Blanchette Wes Bergman Addison DeWitt Jackson David Kelly

Ted Kirby David Alan Maxey Kim Ruff Paul Sanchez

TO GROW YOUR BUSINESS, CALL (602) 308-4662. Published monthly by

a JMT Designs, Inc. company

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED PRINTED IN THE USA All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee. NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reﬂect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company. Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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TENT CITY WEEKEND

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Retro Wednesdays at Karamba

Put on your boogie shoes for Retro Wednesday’s Disco Night at Karamba Nightclub! There’s no cover, $2 drink specials, a $3 beer bust and DJ Melo, New Times Best Latin DJ. Don’t miss the Diamond Show! Hasta pronto at 1724 E. McDowell Rd. Phone: 602-254-0231 or visit www.karambanightclub.com

“Wicked” Cabaret at Cherry Lounge “How could a good little girl like you destroy me and all of my beautiful wickedness?” Destroy Hate! See a cabaret performance featuring cast members of the ﬁrst national tour of Wicked at Cherry Lounge & Pit at 411 S. Mill Ave. in Tempe on July 13. Doors open at 6 p.m. $35 beneﬁting Marriage Equality USA. Tix at Off Chute, Too, Unique on Central, & Changing Hands. This event is This event is 21+. For info e-mail arizona@marriageequality.org

Dick’s 2nd Anniversary Dick For two years we’ve been watching those weenie-waggin’ hotties at Dick’s Cabaret, Phoenix’s premier, one-and-only pecker palace! Come celebrate with $1 table dances from 7 p.m. to 1 a.m. on Friday and Saturday, July 17 & 18 at the original Dick’s at 3432 E. Illini in Phoenix! Win fabulous giveaways and prizes that come in a big “package!” 602-274-DICK. www.dickscabaret.com

1Voice 80’s Bowl-a-Thon “Hello? Do you have 15 pound balls? Then how the hell can you walk?” Dress in 80s duds and come to the 4th Annual Bowl-a-Thon beneﬁting the 1 Voice Community Center on Saturday, July 25 from 6-8 p.m. at the AMF Squaw Peak Lanes at 3049 E. Indian School Rd. with an after party at Kobalt. Best of all, there’s prizes! Register with hostess Afeelya Bunz by July 20 at rvz480@msn.com 22

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Forbidden Pirate Party Yo ho, ho’s! And a bottle of vodka! Hoist the mizzenmast and shiver me timbers! It’s a Pirate Party at Forbidden on Saturday, July 25. Walk the plank at 6820 E. 5th Ave. in Scottsdale. There’s NO COVER, mateys, and no keelhauling! Phone: 480-994-5176

Diamon Diamonds, Decadence & Divas Pearl! Ruby! Opal! I’m not talking about the jewels ... I’m calling drag queens! If you have any bling laying around, put it on for Diamonds, Decadence and Divas where you can catch drag queens and kings performing. This Phoenix Pride beneﬁt event supports the GLBT Scholarship Program, so come to the Steele Indian School Memorial Hall July 25 at 7 p.m. Go to www. www.PhoenixPride.org for info & tix.

JULY 2009 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE

EVENT & LOCATION

CITY

Weds.

Disco Night at Karamba

Phoenix

3-5

Military Party - BS West

Scottsdale

Fabulous Phoenix Fourth - Steele Indian School Park

Phoenix

This is H.O.W. 4th of July at Cruisin’ 7th

Phoenix

11 & 12 Drag Wars 2009 at BS West

Scottsdale

The Men of Charlie’s Annual “Artie” Party - Charlie’s

Phoenix

Wicked Cabaret Performance at Cherry Lounge

Tempe

White Party at Forbidden

Scottsdale

17-18

Dick’s Cabaret 2nd Anniversary

Phoenix

17-19

Latin Rhythms Festival

Chandler

Foam Party at Forbidden

The Wett Party with T.J. Hawke - Woody’s

Tucson

Diamonds, Decadence.... - Ind. School Memorial Hall

Phoenix

80s Bowl-a-Thon - Squaw Peak Lanes

Phoenix

Pirate Party at Forbidden

Scottsdale

29-8/2

Cirque Du Soleil “Saltimbanco” - Jobing.com Arena

Glendale

Scandalesque at Cherry Lounge & Pit

Tempe

31-8/2

Maricopa Cty. Home & Garden Show

Phoenix

Downtown

Scottsdale

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ION PRIDE GALA

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Tori Amos Always a favorite with the ladies, the talented Tori brings her Sinful Attraction Tour to town. Expect her to sing her customary, uplifting songs about pornography, homophobia, misogyny and masochism. Good times! Her song sets are known to change nightly, so expect some surprises. Maybe she’ll even wear panties. See her at the Dodge Theatre, 400 W. Washington. For tix call 602-379-2888 or visit www.LiveNation.com

American Idol Tour Sure, you’ll see the winner, what’s-his-name, so-and-so, what’s-herface, and the dude who wears the hat, but you know everyone really wants to go just to see the ﬂamboyant, super-gay hottie Adam Lambert. Who knows? Maybe he’ll hook up with last year’s Idol wannabee David Hernandez after the show. Idolize at the Jobbing.com Arena 9400 W. Maryland Ave. in Glendale tix at 800-745-3000 or at www.TicketMaster. com

Pat Benatar, Blondie, The Donnas Rock out to legendary 80s songbirds like heartbreaker Pat Benatar, punk rockers Blondie with Debbie Harry and their modern proteges, The Donnas. Experience all the angst and agita of 80s rock and modern day kicks! This night to remember all happens at the Dodge Theatre, 400 W. Washington. For tix call 602-379-2888 or visit www.LiveNation.com

JULY 2009 ION CONCERT CALENDAR DATE

ARTIST/EVENT

LOCATION

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Jay-Z Beyonce “I AM ...” World Tour Yes & Asia 311 Unity Tour w/ Ziggy Marley Michael McDonald & Boz Scaggs New Kids on the Block & Jesse McCartney Blues Traveler & Eek-A-Mouse The Fray Il Divo Marilyn Manson, Slayer & more death rockers Jewel Rock ‘til We Drop Tour Tori Amos - Sinful Attraction Tour American Idol Tour Tool Aerosmith & ZZ Top Pat Benatar, Blondie & The Donnas

Dodge Theatre US Airways Center Dodge Theatre Dodge Theatre Celebrity Theatre Dodge Theatre Celebrity Theatre Dodge Theatre Dodge Theatre Cricket Wireless Pavilion Mesa Arts Center Celebrity Theatre Dodge Theatre Jobing.com Arena US Airways Center Cricket Wireless Pavilion Dodge Theatre

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FLAGSTAFF PRIDE

THE GREEN ROOM

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Photos - Jerry Oâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;Conner | Art - Kevin Bushaw 32 -WWW.IONAZ.COM July 2009- Kyle Tuttle | Makeup - Jessica Joseph Direction Joey Sarandos-Durisek | Hair

1n10 is a social-support program for LGBTQ youth from ages 14-22 that offers unique programming and special events. With the help of our community, 1n10 proves that not only is it important to volunteer and educate youth, but you can have a great time doing it! 1n10‘s mission is to empower the LGBTQ youth and their allies through representation and education paired with a vision to breakdown inter-community barriers and build bridges to create a foundation and growth of leaders both in and outside of 1n10.

something fun and interesting to do. 1n10 keeps LGBTQ youth moving forward and the programs are designed to be sustainable for years to come. Their fantastic “Rebel Yell: Music Arts and Activism” festival attracted over 500 young people for an incredible community experience. Festivus Fantasticus, Drag 101 and their annual Fall Festival and Thanksgiving dinner along with many other fabulous programs attract over 250 youth per week into 1n10 programs. Their newly launched Summer Workforce program helps several young people develop job skills to help keep them abreast in a stressed economy. Director of Programs Michael Weakley said, “1n10 has become a place that LGBTQ youth want to attend every week. Our commitment to interactive programming, incredible special events and our annual OUTdoors conference as well

1n10 meets every Thursday night from 7-8:30 p.m. at The Community Church of Hope at 4121 North 7th Avenue, and every Tuesday night from 78:30 p.m. at the Westside Communtiy Center/Boys and Girls Club in Tempe at 715 West 5th Street. Every week is something different: whether it’s a game night, a guest speaker, entertainer, or a volunteer organized program, 1n10 keeps it fresh and new by constantly providing youth with July 2009 WWW.IONAZ.COM 33

as Rebel Yell music festival ensure that we stay creative, motivated and focused toward the goal that each LGBTQ young person will be accepted and valued for who they are and how they express themselves.”

This summer 1n10 will kick off a fundraising campaign where they hope to raise $100 for 100 youth in 100 days. Please contact Micheal Weakley, Director of Programs for more information at

And this fall, 1n10 is introducing OUTdoors! Youth Leadership Conference which will bring LGBTQ youth ages 13-22 all over Arizona together for a weekend ﬁlled of activities including a ropes course, leadership training, teamwork building, safe dating practices, and more! OUT-

coordinator@1n10.org . Keep an eye out for 1n10 because the Valley LGBTQ youth movement is ﬁred up and ready to launch!

doors! takes place October 23-25 at Camp Sky-Y in Prescott, Arizona. For registration info contact Kado Stewart at 928-451-5661. This is in collaboration with Prescott Pride Center and Americore/VISTA program.

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Learn more about 1n10 and what they do. Visit

www.1n10.org for more information or call

602.475.7456

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Written by Jackson David Kelly davekjackson@cox.net

Yo, DJ! What’s New? July proves quiet on the music front. In addition to these selections, ﬁnd new material from Daughtry, Moby, Wilco, Maxwell and a new Imogen Heap at the cusp of August.

Rob Thomas Cradlesong

Originally this album was to feature a more worldly sound. However, after a commercial wakeup call, Matchbox 20’s frontman gives in and releases an album that is evenly balanced. As proof, initial single “Diamonds” sings contemporary, while “Fire on the Mountain” drives drums; “Getting Late” twangs country as “Someday” croons balladeers. And then there’s the MMM bop of “Give me the Meltdown,” the song that utters bubbalicious. Not as good as his ﬁrst and perhaps not as catchy as his recent songwriting, but this album will still keep the faith faithful.

LMFAO

Party Rock (7/7) Foo and Sky, uncle and nephew say they’ve created the next genre of music. As to what it is who knows. However, think of it as electronified, funktified Hip Hop, ala Benni Benassi meets Lil Wayne. They made a splash last year with their EP containing “I’m In Miami Bitch” and since, they’ve worked with the Black Eyed Peas, Kanye West, Chris Cornell and Lady Gaga. Now, they are poised to release their first full length. First single “Shots” gives you a perfect sample to their distorted world and to what will be 2009’s most talked about album. Though it’s not my “cup of tea,” many will jump on their bandwagon.

Jordin Sparks Battleﬁeld (7/21)

Much in the way Kelly grew from her first release to Breakaway; Jordin repeats a similar maturity and shows why she deserves to make records. Though first single “Battlefield” is a bit rushed, “Vertigo,” the electrifying Lady Gaga-esque track, makes up for any shortcomings. It’s pulsating and catchy beat will surely move your feet. In addition, find solace in “Walking on Snow,” a bubbly pop masterpiece. And for you sappy ballad fans, never fret; for you get your money’s worth with “Faith” and the rock infused “Let It Rain.” It’s so good to know America picked the right winner one out of two years.

A-ha

Foot of the Mountain A-who you say? The band most noted for their eighties classic “Take on Me” returns with their best effort in nine years. Responsible for influencing the juggernauts of Coldplay and Keane, Morten Harket finds great range in his voice and showcases an album full of eighties nostalgia with a 21st century flare. Lead single and title track opens a bit dry, but songs “Riding the Crest” and “Bandstand” make up with their dreamy electronic, toe-tapping edge. Then there’s the mid-tempo lullaby “Nothing” that builds to a crescendo of much praise. Perhaps this release proves inconsequential; but to those naysayers, YOU are missing out. In other music news, Whitney Houston’s new album is definitely set for a tentative release of September 1st. I say definitely tentative since it’s been in the works for the past two years. Arista, Ne-Yo and Ms. Houston however all claim the new album of upbeat material is ready. After 25 years, let’s hope the diva has some tricks up her sleeves! Until next month… July 2009 WWW.IONAZ.COM 37

VIP SAVINGS RESTAURANTS / BARS / EVENTS

FORBIDDEN BAR 1 ION ARIZONA MAGAZINE INCOGNITO WILD CARD Z PIZZA

$5 Forbidden Martini ANYTIME! Select Half Price Drinks on Sunday $10 OFF Splash Bash cover 2 for the price of 1 all drinks 15% OFF Food Purchase (excludes Happy Hour appetizers) 10% OFF

SERVICES NEW! BOXER’S MEN’S SALON FREE haircut by Adrian only (First time customers only) 20% OFF all services with Adrian ENCANTO FAMILY DENTISTRY 10% OFF any dental procedure (Excludes Zoom! teeth whitening) FAST SIGNS ON CENTRAL 20% OFF (in-store products) LOS OLIVOS HAND CAR WASH $2 OFF any car wash 15% OFF complete detail OPEN WIDE DENTAL $50 OFF new clients SEMONE ROCHLIN, D.O. $500 OFF ALL Surgical Procedures RETAIL DRAGONFLY BOUTIQUE 10% OFF GREEN WOODPECKER 10% OFF Flowers (excludes tax and delivery charges) 10% OFF Merchandise non-sale (excluding food, drinks and cards) ROOT SELLER 15% OFF Merchandise (excludes books, music, DVDs, supplements & consignment art) UNIQUE URBAN BOUTIQUE 10% OFF Merchandise (excludes books, music, DVDs) HOTELS BLUE MOON RESORT - VEGAS Buy two nights get 3 nights CLARENDON HOTEL 10% any room type booking DOUBLETREE HOTEL - TUCSON 10% any room type booking Must book directly with the hotel. Certain black-out dates and some restrictions may apply. Offer based upon availability. ADULT* ADULT SHOPPE 20% OFF Merchandise FASCINATIONS 15% OFF merchandise DICK’S CABARET $5 OFF admission (mon-thurs) $5 OFF wristband (mon-sat) SECRETS 20% OFF Merchandise* *Must be 18 or older. Excludes rentals. In-store purchases only

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Some restrictions apply. See store for details. Not valid with any other offer or sale items.

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INFERNO PROM

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by Kimberly M. Ruff kimberlymruff@yahoo.com

Movie Previews

Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs Starring: Ray Romano, John Leguizamo, Denis Leary, Queen Latifah I’m not going to lie to you, my beloved readers, because you’re too good for that. I love, love, LOVE Ice Age! I saw the first Ice Age in the theater on a lark and I have been hooked on the clever writing, the slush-mouth of Leguizamo’s Sid the Sloth, and the charming story of three unlikely friends forming their own, odd family. It’s beautiful. Suffice it to say, I am absolutely jazzed about their third installation, Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs. Never you mind the totally illogical overlap of dinosaurs and mammals, I anticipate another fun, witty ride in 3-D! Continuing off the groundwork laid in Ice Age: The Meltdown, Manny (Romano) and Ellie (Queen Latifah) are expecting their first child, which makes Manny anxious and Sid envious of fatherhood. So envious, in fact, he decides to hijack a couple of dinosaur eggs in hopes of making them his children. Little does he know, they have a very angry, very protective mother… Release Date: 07/01/09.

banks at a time when banks had let the American people down. He fought the FBI at a time when Americans bucked nontraditional law enforcement. He ﬂaunted his exploits and was cheered for it. Public Enemies unapologetically displays this and at no better time than when Americans are in the midst of the “worst ﬁnancial crisis since the Depression” and skeptical of the capabilities and intentions of our government, banking system, and intelligence community. One cannot help but wonder who will become our generation’s John Dillinger. Release Date: 07/01/09.

Brüno

Starring: Sacha Baron-Cohen Sacha Baron-Cohen, infamous for his ten minute nude chase scene in Borat, brings another alum from his irreverent sketch comedy show, Da Ali G Show, to the big screen in Bruno. An Austrian, gay fashionisto, Bruno dons hot pants and dye streaks as he takes on the unsuspecting world of models, high fashion, and style in this socio-political satire. Is it as fake as his ass-to-Eminemface scene at the MTV movie awards? That’s for you to decide. Release Date: 07/10/09.

Public Enemies

Starring: Johnny Depp, Christian Bale If the point of Michael Mann’s Public Enemies was to lionize John Dillinger, it was very wise indeed, for him to cast the enigmatic Johnny Depp as the charismatic Depression-era bank robber. Dillinger, after all, was one of those interesting characters in American history who earned wide-spread acclaim for bad behavior because his behavior was directed against unsympathetic institutions and people. He became a sort of Robin Hood to the general public; he robbed May 2009 WWW.IONAZ.COM 43

THANK YOU!

Thank you, Robert Foster and staff for the memories.

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by Wes Bergman wesobergman@yahoo.com

DVD Movie Review Pedro

Starring: Alex Loynaz, Justina Machado, Hale Appleman, DaJuan Johnson In 1994, MTV did something remarkable with their third season of The Real World. Among the seven strangers picked to live in a house was an openly gay, HIV positive AIDS educator, Pedro Zamora. Zamora, who emigrated from Cuba when he was eight, discovered he was HIV positive when he was only 17-years-old. Rather than view his disease as a death sentence, Zamora saw it as an opportunity to educate others and used his placement in The Real World house as a chance to reach the widest possible audience. It worked. From the pimply-faced adolescent struggling with his own sexuality to the President of the United States, Zamora’s indomitable spirit and tireless efforts were felt by many. We watched with dismay as Zamora grew more fatigued and frail; we witnessed, with great pleasure, as Zamora’s friendship with Sean Sasser blossomed into a genuine affair of the heart, and when the cameras stopped rolling and the last episode aired, we learned with the greatest of sorrow that Zamora, at the disturbingly young age of 22, died of complications in his hometown in Miami, Florida.

timeless documentary complete with fresh interviews with those who knew him best, MTV decided to make a biopic. Casting total unknowns and partnering with screenwriter, Dustin Lance Black (Milk), Pedro gilds the lily where no gilding is needed. Admittedly, I was moved at points, particularly by the acting of Justina Machado as Mily, Zamora’s sister and biggest advocate, who remains a pinnacle of strength as she watches her beloved little brother die, but I couldn’t help but feel MTV missed the mark by choosing to romanticize an already compelling story. Perhaps they felt they couldn’t sell the message unless it was tied up in a pretty red ribbon. If that’s the case, they fail to realize most of us were already sold.

Coraline

Starring: Dakota Fanning, Teri Hatcher, John Hodgman, Ian McShane Written by Neil Gaiman (Stardust), Coraline is a complete trip, if by “trip” I mean the “acid” kind. Dakota Fanning, mini-

In 2008, MTV did something fairly foolish with this amazingly beautiful story. Rather than use footage from various speaking engagements and Zamora’s time on The Real World to craft a thought-provoking, July 2009 WWW.IONAZ.COM 45

JULY MOVIE OPENINGS DATE 1 1 10 10 15 24 31

MOVIE Public Enemies Ice Age:Dawn of the Dinosaurs Humpday Bruno Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince The Ugly Truth Funny People

goddess of every movie requiring remarkably precocious children, voices Coraline, who moves with her parents (Hatcher, Hodgman), to a big, old house full of mystery. Intensely lonely and incredibly curious, Coraline discovers a parallel universe behind an old door; there, everyone is the more likeable version of themselves, except that they have buttons for eyes. After multiple trips to this parallel universe, her “other mother” urges her to stay in exchange for her eyes, but

RATING

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R PG R R PG R R

Coraline soon learns that the kindness was only a trick and the request for eyes would damn her to spend all eternity trapped in this other world. Coraline must use her wit and tenacity to outsmart the “other mother” and free not only herself, but other less fortunates who came before her, before it’s too late and she loses everything. Questions? Comments? Reach the writer at wesobergman@yahoo.com.

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DRAG WARS In a galaxy far, far away, there is a bar just west of Scottsdale Rd. Cross(dress) over to the dark side July 11 & 12 for Drag Wars 2009 at BS West. This 48 hour festival of Drag features giveaways, raffles, contests, and more! There will be so many Drag Queens they could fill the Death Star. Ladies, make sure you tuck in those light sabers! This event is a charity benefit for SAAF, Camp Incredible & Drag for a Difference. 7125 E. 5th Ave, Scottsdale. (480-945-9028)

JULY 2009 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE

TIME

LOCATION

SHOW / PERFORMER(S)

Sat. & Sun. 11th & 12th BS West DRAG WARS 1st & 3rd Tues. 10:00p BS West Tranny Shack Tuesday with Kiki Vermont & Saellah V. 2nd & 4th Tues. 10:00p BS West Mya & Naomi Tuesdays 10:30p Karamba Susana’s Show 3rd Wednesday 10:30p Pumphouse II Amateur Drag Contest hosted by Savannah Wednesdays 10:00p Charlie’s Claudia B. & Company Wednesdays 9:30p Wild Card Divas w/ Kiki Vermont & Friends Wednesdays 10:30p Karamba Diamond Dallas Hosts... 3rd Thurs. 8:00p Forbidden Ruby ‘n’ Friends 2nd & 4th Thurs. 9:00p Wild Card Drag B-I-N-G-O w/ Angel Rogers First Thursdays 10:30p Pumphouse II Savannah’s School of Scandal Thursdays 10:30p Pumphouse II Hot Bodz Male Revue w/ Savannah Thursdays 9:00p Incognito Divas After Dark with Dianna K. Shane Thursdays 9:30p Amsterdam Icons Live w/ Mya McKenzie & Kiki Vermont Thursdays 10:30p Karamba Susana’s Show Last Thursday 10:00p Cherry Lounge Scandalous w/ Scandalesque Fridays 9:30p Forbidden Fuego Fridays with Miss Ruby Saturdays 9:30p Charlie’s Pussy’s Patio Show Saturdays 10:30p Pumphouse II Hot Bodz Male Revue w/ Savannah Saturdays 10:00p Wild Card Diamond Dolls w/ Kiki Vermont & Mya McKenzie Sundays 8:30p Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot & Friends Sundays 10:30p Karamba Galilea’s Show 1st Sunday 8:00p Apollo’s That Time of the Month w/ Afeelya Bunz 2nd Sun. 8:00p Apollo’s That Time of the Month w/ Dianne Daniels & Miss Dottie 3rd Sun. 8:00p Apollo’s That Time of the Month w/ Chané Jordan Last Sun. 8:00p Apollo’s That Time of the Month w/ Barbra Seville To add your drag event, e-mail dates, times, locations & pics to kbushaw@me.com Included events must be 1) Charity Beneﬁt OR 2) Located at an ION Arizona Advertiser

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January 2009

Wicked

Long before Dorothy dropped into Oz unannounced, The Wicked Witch of the West was your ordinary, plain girl with greenish skin who was once friends in boarding school with Glinda, the Witch of the North. Throw in a love interest, a little bit of hocus-pocus, and - presto change-o! - you’ve got yourself a hit Broadway musical! It plays through July 26 at ASU Gammage, 1200 S. Forest Ave. Tempe. Tix: 480-965-3434. All the “Popular” people will be there!

Black River

In the spring of 1981, a young man and a young woman come to a small town in Georgia, from very different places and for very different reasons. The worlds they’ve left, the world they ﬁnd, and the worlds they cannot leave behind collide in this compelling play, full of poetry, drama, and vivid characters, from a fresh Phoenix voice. This is part of the New Works Festival, helping to shape a new play. See it at the Phoenix Theatre, 100 E. McDowell Rd. Tickets: 602-254-2151

Original Gay Comedy Night

The Comedy Spot Comedy Club at Scottsdale’s The Venue is presenting an evening of laugh out loud and proud queer comedy with the man NBC News calls, “America’s Prince of Pride,” master entertainer Jade Esteban Estrada. They say Estrada’s destined to become one of the world’s most groundbreaking personalities. Catch him on Thursday, July 23. 7117 E. 3rd Ave. Phone: 480-945-4422

JULY 2009 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE thru 3 thru 3 thru 5 8-29 10-12 10-8/9 17 & 18 23 thru 26 thru 31 thru 8/1

EVENT Blood Brothers April Ann Wait Until Dark Disney’s Beauty & the Beast Black River Jekyll & Hyde Rob Little Original Gay Comedy Night Wicked Disney’s Jungle Book, Jr. High School Musical: On Stage

LOCATION Nearly Naked Theatre at Phx. Theatre Hale Centre Theatre - Gilbert Scottsdale Desert Stages Theatre Hale Centre Theatre - Gilbert Phoenix Theatre Scottsdale Desert Stages Theatre Comedy Spot Comedy Club - Scottsdale Comedy Spot Comedy Club - Scottsdale ASU Gammage B’way Palms Dinner Theatre - Mesa B’way Palms Dinner Theatre - Mesa

PHONE 602-254-2151

480-483-1664 480-497-1181 480-483-1664 480-945-4422 480-945-4422 480-965-3434 480-325-6700 480-325-6700

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Wasabi?

Find out at Hana Japanese Eatery The Land of the Rising Sun has given us so much for which we are grateful: origami, Godzilla, karaoke, Hello Kitty, lots of tiny, hand-held electronics, sake bombers and their delicious food. True, many Occidental palates haven’t been cultivated to appreciate the subtleties of this ancient and venerable Oriental cuisine. But relax. For over two years Hana Japanese Eatery has been educating Phoenix’s fast food poisoned tastebuds to great acclaim. Manager Lori Hashimoto promises that Hana will break in Japanese food virgins gently and cites consistency as one of their greatest strengths. Believe me, there’s something for everybody here. Expand your culinary horizons and lengthen your vistas. There’s plenty to choose from on the menu at Hana -and it’s all Fuji-tastic! Everything Hana serves is fresh and prepared to order. Thirsty? Hana is BYOB --and there’s no corkage fee. Wine and sake only, please. Kazuto Kisihino, formerly of the celebrated Ayako of Tokyo at Biltmore Fashion Park, his lovely wife Kay, and a capable staff are at your service. Start off with the tasty Poki Chips, delicious crisps topped with marinated crab, cucumber, spices, sesame oil, soy sauce. I’m sure the exact combination is an ancient secret passed down for generations. Light, fresh, and summery -- it’s a perfect way to start your dining experience. Another perfect addition to your dining experience is the arrestingly handsome server, Nick. I’d like to see him served up tempura style with some sticky rice on the side and a teeny bit of wasabi. But I digress. If you like calamari, you’ll love the Ika Kara Age - sweet butter marinated squid breaded to a crunchy ﬁnish. You’ll get a generous portion for only $6.95.

Or try the Gyoza - Japanese Pan Seared Dumplings -- also known as potstickers. Choose from pork or vegetable for $6.50. A delicately battered plate of Tempura of okra, shrimp, asparagus, squash or other seasonal veggies is also available. If you’d like to get a full meal, try one of their nine different Bento Boxes. Hana offers a wide range, featuring choices of beef, chicken, pork, grilled New York steak, salmon, Ahi tuna, or even sashimi. The Tonkatsu is a lean ﬁlet of pork covered in golden break crumbs. Each Bento Box is served with salad, sticky rice, and assorted side dishes. For lunch these range from $8.95-$15.95 for the midday meal. Hana also has six different noodle entrees with Udon, Soba, Yakisoba, and Ramen noodles with combinations of pork, pan fried or lightly battered shrimp with vegetables, served with a green salad priced right around the $10 mark for lunch. They also have a few Hana Specials with chicken, beef, or

Don’t miss dessert. And no, Nick is not on the menu, sadly enough. Hana has six different, ﬂavorful desserts. A “must” is the Hana An Mitsu, it’s aloe jello accompanied with mandarin oranges, red bean paste with - yes - a cherry on top. And don’t get me started about whom I’d like to put a cherry on top. But I bet you can take a wild guess. Starts with “N.”

vegetables that are bound to please. Now for the sushi. Oh, for the uninitiated, now don’t start squirming and wrinkling your nose. Your server -- hopefully the raven haired Nick -- will steer in the right direction. A “must” is the Spicy Tuna Roll, seasoned with Asian hot sauce. If you’re a little more adventurous, go for the Flying Fish Egg nigiri. You’ll have rice wrapped with nori (dried seaweed) and topped with a mound of roe -- in France they call it “caviar.” Rick Hashimoto is the sushi chef with 23 years experience. The sushi and sashimi is remarkably reasonably priced.

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Finally, you know that ubiquitous disclaimer every menu has about The State of Arizona warning diners about consuming raw or undercooked seafood, shellﬁsh, etc.? Then maybe you’ll want to try the attorney’s favorite sushi: Sosumi.

Hana Japanese Eatery 5524 N. Seventh Ave. (at Missouri Ave.) 602-973-1238

Tues-Fri: 11 a.m.-2:30 p.m., 5-9 p.m. Sat & Sun: 5-9 p.m. Closed Monday. www.HanaJapaneseEatery.com

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Vol. 3, Issue 3

JUNE 2009

�� OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

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Stars Scramble to Escape Grim Reaper HOLLYWOOD — Tinseltown’s best and brightest are heading for cover as they frantically seek to escape the icy hand of Death, who’s wicked scythe is cutting a wide swathe through the Entertainment Capital of the World lately.

First, Natasha Richardson went, then the foghorned voice of Bea Arthur was stilled. After that, David Carradine pleasured himself to death in a Hong Kong hotel. Then it was second banana Ed McMahon. Charlie’s Angels star Farrah Fawcett became one herself only to be one upped by the King of Pop, Michael Jackson on the same day. Weird.”

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Turner Classic Movies’ in-house “instant fan” and motion picture host Robert Osborne said, “When will the madness end? Some of Hollywood’s Statistics and Probability experts don’t biggest celebrities have tumbled into the expect the death count to end anytime grave, like dominoes. At least we’ll have �� plenty of retrospectives to broadcast. That soon. “Look, Elizabeth Taylor ain’t gettin’ any younger and, personally, if I were makes my life easier.” any of the other Golden Girls or Cloris Leachman I’d watch my back. Or my hip. A Who’s Who of Hollywood decided You know what I mean.” to take that final dirt nap under Death’s daisy blanket in barely a month. Meanwhile, Russia mourns the passing of legendary Soviet actor, Oleg Yankovsky. An expert from the Hollywood Coroner’s Office confided, “We don’t understand. Oleg who?

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Madoff Sentence Harsh. Will Emerge Richer Than Ever. NEW YORK CITY – After an elaborate ﬁnancial scheme defrauding investors of more than 13 billion dollars spanning decades, a U.S. District court judge recommended that aging Ponzi schemer Bernard Madoff, 71, forfeit more than $170 billion in assets and spend 150 years in prison.

landscaped acres, in a private, nine-room suite with only two bathrooms, dish network television, internet access, a private chef with specially prepared menus, a personal gym with a trainer and dry cleaning services.” All expenses are paid. Not by him, of course. By taxpayers.

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Here, Madoff will spend the rest of his days

�� “We want him to pay through the nose for writing his autobiography and a series of this,” said one insider for the prosecution. “Sure, he’s losing all the New York co-op, the places in Montauk and Palm Beach, jewelry, art – all of that! But we’re cracking down on this kind of proﬁteering.” The future looks bleak for the swindling chairman. “This is no picnic,” said court sources. “He’ll be in a maximum security federal prison located on over 160 lush,

books about investing as well as working as a free-lance ﬁnancial consultant for Fortune 500 companies. “We want to send a clear message to white collar criminals out there that crime doesn’t pay. Well, not nearly as well as when you get caught after, say, ten or twenty years or so. Then the returns are pretty sweet after that.”

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�� Faux Designer Duds Take Runway By Storm

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TIJUANA– The Editor-in-Chief of global economic fashion magazine, downturn has Vague, Hanna left fashionistas Wintower said, and the style “I simply adore conscious public the cost-cutting scrambling for couture available! haute couture, I couldn’t live �� millinery, shoes without the opera and fashion length fun-fur mink accessories to coat I bought for stay chic and only 2,000 pesos in sharp. Ever Tijuana!” escalating costs for exclusive Cleveland society lines like Gucci, celeb and motel Louis Vuitton, heiress London Burberry, Polo, Sheraton (pictured Versace, Calvin center at Tijuana Klein and others Fashion Week) see profits fawned over her dropping daily. Findi baguette purse and jewelry Clothes horses by Van Peel and everywhere are Arcleff. “My little looking to faux designer label knock-offs dog Stinkerball fits in my new Donney and in Hong Kong, Mexico and Taiwan to fill Pork kelly purse perfectly! That’s cool!” �� the void at a fraction of the price of the real thing. Celebrity wannabees and social climbers all over the world are reserving seats for “We’ve got every important label the fashion show this winter in Nogales, available,” said one anonymous Hong Mexico. Kong manufacturer. “There’s Dulce & Giovanna sunglasses, Channel handbags, The public can look for these new fashions Colvin Kline jeans, Airmini – underwear . and accessories at a Park ‘n’ Swap and better If you’re looking for just the right wallet or flea markets everywhere. clutch, try the Lois Villeton collection!”

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glenn douglas packard by Deon Brown

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“Hi, ho, the derry-o the farmer’s in the dell.” But he didn’t stay there. Glenn Douglas Packard was raised on a dairy farm and studied Dairy Farm Management in college. After a life-threatening tractor accident and almost dying, Glenn pursued his real love: dancing, taking his ﬁrst lesson at 21-years-old. After a stint in the boyband twONEty (21), he choreographed, danced, and performed for and with show business luminaries including Michael Jackson, Pink, Missy Elliott, Usher, Nelly Furtado and legendary icon Liza Minnelli. Glenn currently co-stars on celebreality show Brooke Knows Best as Hogan’s sizzling gay bff along with gal pal Ashley Menendez. Glenn talked with ION Arizona about his life, ideas, goals, his new, sexy boyfriend, Daniel Miagany and answered our quirky questions. Despite life in the spotlight, Glenn shines through as a polite, friendly, funny, thoughtful, deeply caring man and devoted friend who cares about family and those around him. Glenn proved to ION Arizona why he’s America’s Favorite Fudge Packard. ION: You grew up on a dairy farm in Michigan. You were in a boy band, you’re an Emmy nominated choreographer, designer, entertainer and celebreality show tenderoni. Now you’re milking applause instead of milking a cow. From Holsteins to homos. Glenn, compare and contrast for us.

make things happen for myself. If they open the doors for me, I gotta walk through it. But I’m enjoying the responsibility I have now, being kind of a role model to young gay men and women out there. ION: This season on Brooke Knows Best, you visit Cape Canaveral. You’d like be an astronaut. If you were stuck in a Survivor meets Real World reality show in outerspace, who would your co-starring astronauts be? GDP: I wanna do that really bad! My costars? Candis Cayne, [Starbbooty, Dirty Sexy Money] for sure. We’ve been friends for a long, long time - since our New York City days. She would be entertaining us the whole entire time. I’d definitely have to go with my new sex symbol boyfriend, Daniel Miagany. I’d have to take Sandra Bullock - I just love her to death. Definitely going to bring Mom, ‘cause I always want to take her on trips with me, the cast of Big Love. And Chelsea Handler. I really want to be on her show! ION: You wouldn’t bring Janice Dickinson or Joan Rivers? GDP: Oh my God, I do not need that kind of drama! One person I’m definitely not bringing is Spencer Pratt, that’s for sure! ION: There is an episode of Brooke Knows Best where you agree to date a girl if Brooke and Ashley do, too. As a gay man, wasn’t this trickery disingenuous?

GDP: (Laughs) That’s great! Oh my God! There’s a big difference! Milking cows ... that lifestyle is very wholesome and pure. The entertainment business is different than the farming life. It really is like The Beverly Hillbillies. I’ve gone from being a country boy to being all of a sudden in the spotlight in city life and Miami life. It’s two different ends of the spectrum but at the same time I’m so glad the way I was brought up. I really was a small-town farmboy. Then, the next thing you know, I’m traveling the world, in a boy band, dancing. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I’m out here right now trying to July 2009 WWW.IONAZ.COM 81

GDP: People have taken it both ways, deﬁnitely. It’s true. Afterwards we let the girls know. It was unfortunate that they were part of an experiment, but they were excited, actually, although my girl was a little disappointed. (Laughs) She was hoping she was gonna be a regular on the show, I think, and be my girlfriend. She planned on going over to the penthouse; she was planning on coming up and staying. That’s why I kissed her at the car, because, I thought, “If she comes over I’m gonna end up having to take her to my room and I can’t say, ‘no’ because I gotta play the part.” I put a poll up on MySpace: “Who’s the better kisser? Brooke, Ashley or Glenn?” So much of it’s edited; we talked a lot about the kiss me, Ashley and Brooke -- what kind of a kiss we were gonna deliver, and I told them, “I’m gonna deliver an Oscar award winning kiss.” Or hopefully I get the MTV award next year! ION: You were inspired to dance after surviving a near-fatal farming accident. You were also engaged. Which was more frightening? GDP: (Laughs) Being engaged to a woman was very frightening, but being engaged was actually really amazing. I want to be engaged; I want to be married. I’m a very family oriented man. Being engaged to a woman was probably the scariest thing because I realized I was doing the wrong thing. 82

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Nearly losing my leg was extremely scary because I almost had it amputated. But it changed my life for the better; it basically ended up taking me to, and being the person I am now because of my near-death experience. ION: You have a very decent, spiritual side to you. GDP: Thank you so much. A lot of people still haven’t really learned that about me and haven’t talked much about that. They always want to talk being gay, but there’s so much more to me and my story. I went to Michigan in one of the episodes where I give this whole speech in front of our school to inspire young kids. I stood up there for 45 minutes and told my story. I mentioned a little bit about the gay topic and of course they used that for the show. But the real facts of my story was that something really horrible happened in my life, and that I turned it around and made it into something really positive. It took a near-death experience for that to happen to me. And I’m trying to teach people, “Don’t let that happen to you. Don’t make a near-death experience change your life. Do your changes, do what you want to do; ﬁnd your passion and make those changes now.” There’s a lot more to me; I’m really excited. I’m the kind of person who loves helping people. I’m getting lots of e-mails from young, gay men who are scared to come out and are going through those things. Even though I’m in it so much, involved with being in L.A., New York, and Miami. There are so many people - even in adulthood - who are still really, having problems. But I’ve really been able to

embrace that, too. There’s more to me than just being gay. ION: Rumor has it that you’re a bit of a prima donna, Glenn. You addressed this by throwing a “star ﬁt” in a self-parody on YouTube. Has celebrity affected you? GDP: Anybody who knows me and loves me - my family and my close friends -- they all know what kind of person I am, for sure. The limelight, and the spotlight, right now, has only made me a determined person. It has made me somebody who wants to get further in my career. So if that makes me come across as a “diva,” that’s not what it is. I’m just really striving hard to get where I want to be. ION: Glenn, you’re a hot biscuit! Have you had any good stalkers? GDP: I have, actually! I’ve had some really interesting proposals. I’ve had a lot of guys wanting to ﬂy me to stay with them. Somebody who has a ranch somewhere asked me to stay with him for a week. I’ve had a lot of female offers, which I didn’t really mind. The craziest one probably, are young boys who say, “I would love for you to spank me.” Where are their parents? It’s kinda sad. Because young boys don’t have a place to meet others their own age who are going through what they’re going through tend to go on the internet, I guess. On my MySpace blog I told all the young boys they had to stop leaving me those messages because I thought it was really wrong.

the international stage you’re yearning to dance for? GDP: Madonna. I really wish I had the opportunity to work with her. She really inspired me a lot with her freedom of speech and just being who she is, kind of telling everyone else to “fuck off.” I would have loved to have worked with her at one point in my career. And I have an appreciation for country music now. I want to work with country music artists! ION: You’re starting a recycled clothing line. Does that mean that we can buy a pair of your very own underwear? GDP: Dear God! “They can be yours, too, for the low price of $9.99! And if you act now, you get a free pair off socks! I won’t wash the pair that I’m wearing right now!” Ashley’s really into the “Green” movement; she inspired me. I have all these clothes that I need to start doing stuff with, so I started taking my clothes and “funk-a-fying” them - which was taking pieces of a tie, adding it to a sweatshirt, taking a pair of jeans and putting the pocket on my t-shirt and doing the same thing with vests and other t-shirts. I realized that this is something I could probably do for a lot of people - they could send me some of their clothes and I

ION: Tell us a secret about yourself that you’d like our readers to know. GDP: (Pauses) I wanna give you something good ... Probably, if I wasn’t in the business, I would be a fat girl. For sure. I wish I could just eat what I wanted, not have to go the gym all the time. I’m secretly a fat girl. I would just love to be home, taking care of the kids, the house, and tending to my husband when he gets home. ION: You had a command performance to dance for Mohammed VI of Morocco. So a Queen danced for a King! Anyone else on July 2009 WWW.IONAZ.COM 83

could “add a piece of Glenn” to their clothing! It became this thing, so it’s a clothing line I started called, “Funk-A-Fy.” I’ve always been a creative person. I’m really attracted to people who are really creative, too. Something I love to surround myself around. ION: You have a boyfriend - model and Club Papi dancer Daniel Miagany. Do you know how many gay hearts you’ve just broken? GDP: Oh, no! Not as many as he’s probably just broken, that’s for sure! It’s been eight months and going strong! A relationship’s very new to him. If you know much about me you know that I wear my heart on my sleeve and I’m a sincere kind of guy. We’re working on a really sexy calendar together. That’s what he does, and I thought, “Why not?” He’s on a couple of episodes coming up. ION: You’re developing a comic book series with co-star Ashley Menendez called “Team of Heroes.” Glenn, if you were a superhero, what what would your superpowers be? GDP: There’s so many! Hmmm ... I’m a comic book freak, deﬁnitely! Actually, my characters have all these powers - I don’t want to give any of them away. I’m excited!

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I’m six degrees of separation away from Joe Quesada, editor-in-chief at Marvel Comics. Next month I’m going to New York with Ashley, and this person is setting up a lunch meeting. I’m so excited, you have no idea! I’ve been doing this kinda my whole life - this business - a long time, meeting all these big names. But the only time I get starstruck is when I see someone who’s in comic books! I’ll wait in line to have them sign a comic book for me. But my power? You know what I’d love to be able to do? I wish that I could be invisible Daniel Miagany & sometimes. Glenn Douglas Packard And that’s because sometimes I want to know the truth about people and I don’t know if I get the truth out of them, and think that if I were invisible I would know the truth -- and it would set me free. ION: Okay, Glenn ... Hogan Knows Best, Brooke Knows Best. Tell us, who really knows best? GDP: Hmmm ... My mom! You know what, that’s the honest to goodness truth! And I’ll send her a copy of this. But my mom knows best! That’s for sure! Catch adorable Mama’s Boy Glenn Douglas Packard on Brooke Knows Best on VH1 every Sunday at 10 p.m. or visit his website at www.GlennDouglasPackard.com or on MySpace to ﬁnd out more to ﬁnd out what makes him tick.

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THROUGH THE DAY...

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IONTUCSON

CLUBS, RESTAURANTS, AND NIGHTLIFE 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Ain’t Nobody’s Biz Colors Howl at the Moon IBT’s Miguel’s Mexican Restaurant Venture-N Woody’s Yard Dog

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ACCOMODATIONS & LODGING 1 2 3 4 5

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MORE PICTURES AT IONA Z.COM

PUMPHOUSE II

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by Addison DeWitt

Yikes! It’s a grim landscape on the entertainment landscape with celebrities dropping like ﬂies. It’s especially amazing when the only man who could bring the Internet and Twitter to its knees with the announcement of his death, the self-proclaimed King of Pop, Michael Jackson proved that he still has the mojo. From Neverland, to Foreverland! The greatest challenge the morticians faced was giving the ghoulishly macabre Gloved One the appearance of having once been alive. Let’s all drink a toast of Jesus Juice to the late, great Jack-o. The Phoenix Pride Gala honoring our communities Best and Brightest was a grand success. I was happy to see that the Grim Reaper posted a stay of execution for the legendary Elizabeth Taylor with her friend Debbie Reynolds (pictured above) who attended the event. Nice to know that Deb doesn’t carry a grudge toward Liz for stealing her ex-husband, Eddie Fisher. All of you Kiddies in Klubland have a reason to rejoice! I hear that Amsterdam’s Steven Rogers has purchased the derelict building that once housed lesbian pussy palace, E Lounge on 7th Avenue’s self-styled “Melrose Curve.” Can’t wait for the golden touch! In days gone by the boozerie was Al E. Gator’s and then Foster’s, some aging queens may remember.

Speaking of that ... we’ve been seeing yesteryear’s bar own Jay Foster squiring Kobalt’s Ron Rogers and his everchanging mohawk of many colors out and about. Do I smell a new romance for Ron in the air? ION’s legendary Splash Bash at the Radisson City Center was a success with hundreds of satisﬁed readers (except for one hairy old sourpuss) attending. Some of those guys woke up on Sunday morning just slightly more satisﬁed than others, walking a little funny out the front door. Highlights included an Oscar award winning temper tantrum thrown by Mark Leeper that was better than anything Faye Dunaway could’ve ever done! Under the direction of Marc Gaston (and if you knew what I’ve heard, who wouldn’t want to be under Marc?) Those merry music makers at the (take a deep breath!) Phoenix Metropolitan Men’s Chorus (exhale) presented the best of the past with a concert “Grande Chansons du Passé.” Those little songbirds sang their hearts out, and I think I’m unanimous when I single out sexpots Alan Cooley and the most-ut Zachary Kocher who pounded away on taiko drums dressed in not much more than a skimpy Japanese fundoshi (which is an Oriental cross between a jockstrap and a diaper, except sexier. Unless, or course, you have a weird thing for guys in diapers. July 2009 WWW.IONAZ.COM 95

Maybe you do. I don’tt want to know.) for The Mikado medley. Honey, you boys can bang my taiko drum anytime. But I cannot urge the community enough to see one of the (not such a deep breath this time) PMMC (I love acronyms!) concerts. These talented trilling little titwillows work their treble clefs off for our entertainment. And besides that, Second Tenor Mike Scoﬁeld is just so darn hot I could bite him. Bite him hard! Just you watch me. And this month’s Party Penguin is ...

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Nathan Gilligan! Why? We can’t ﬁgure it out either, really, except that he’s just about as wacky, goofy, nutty and crazy as you can get and still stay on this side of the law. That we know of. Let’s just hope that this doesn’t make him too famous. Because if you’ve been watching the news you see what’s been happening to famous people these days. Addison DeWitt reads the obituaries and takes taiko drumming lessons. Send your gossip to Addison in care of this magazine or to RumorHound@aol.com

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Sea Goat and make it through the wilderness. Just make sure you have on clean underwear.

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

Libra Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

Never underestimate the power of the word, “No.” Your easygoing way makes greedy people think you’re a pushover. Stand up for yourself, sweetie! Put on some bright, shiny root beer ﬂavored lip gloss, pucker up that pretty puss and tell the Virgos, “No!” But if you meet a Pisces say, “Yes!”

Nothing’s completely good or bad, right or wrong. Your scales may need adjustment this month. Concentrate on weighty matters that concern you, your friends, your social calendar and, of course, your shoes. A sweet Gemini will appreciate your judgement.

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20

Buy some incense, wine and scented candles because this month everybody wants to spend some quality time with you, if you know what I mean. It’s your devil-may-care charm. And your cologne. You’ll have a Scorpio begging for more this month.

Yikes! Watch that stinger, bitch - unless it’s a Vodka Stinger. Your criticism can wound a potential champion in your corner. So, chill, baby. Keep your tongue in check. Do a body shot off of a Capricorn who appreciates your sarcasm. Just don’t go too far. A little goes a long way.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Sagittarius Nov. 23-Dec. 23

You know the way you punctuate every sentence with, “Y’know? Right?” It’s starting to annoy us. But those funny stories you tell? We like those a lot. So more funny stories, and less “Y’know? Right?” You’ve got a Capricorn who’s a really big fan. Y’know? Right?

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Oh. My. God. You just totally hit the “G” Spot. Somebody’s gonna be showing you their “O” face this month. A lot. It’s a combination of that thing you do with your tongue and your cute toes. And that juicy rumor everyone heard about how you look naked helps, too. Two Aries, a Taurus and three Leos want to know if it’s true.

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22

Hey, Leo! Around the 15th there’s an Aquarius who wants to play Lion Tamer and throw you the meat. Take ‘em up on it. Show them who’ll be holding the whip and the pistol at the end of the night. Grrrr! It’ll be more fun than a three ring circus.

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

Touched for the very ﬁrst time? We doubt it. But this month signals a rebirth for you. A Capricorn will make you feel shiny and new. Kinda like Madonna back in the 80s. So hunt down that

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July 2009

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov. 23

You feel like trapped in a goldﬁsh bowl lately. And you’re the kind with the bulgy eyes and huge lips that look like Angelina Jolie. Don’t worry. You’ll be scooped out of that aquarium by a sexy Virgo this month. Show your sparkle and you won’t get ﬂushed down the toilet once they’re tired of you.

Capricorn Dec. 23- Jan. 20

Sometimes you’re the hammer. Sometimes you’re the nail. Enjoy life! Be the social creature that you are! Get hammered and I guarantee you’ll get nailed, you little Can Eater! But don’t get behind the wheel.

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

There’s a hole in your bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza. Time to patch up something that needs mending. Team up with a Gemini and it’ll be a snap! You look so cute together. But cut your bangs. Everybody hates ‘em but won’t tell you.

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

Something smells ﬁshy around here, or else this is Red Lobster. Remember, you reap what you sow, so watch it with those tall tales you’ve been telling, pal. A Cancer helps you make a decision about plaid vs. stripes. That’s what the stars say. You ﬁgure it out.

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