Worthy of (Your Own) Forgiveness

No one can berate and beat us up better than ourselves. Why is it that we can offer others second, third, tenth, or what seems like a million more chances, but we cannot offer the same to ourselves? If Jesus, in all his divine perfection, can forgive us repeatedly for the mistakes we make, who are we to not be able to forgive our imperfect selves for imperfect deeds?

Vanessa Carpenter explains what self-forgiveness looks like.

When we experience hurt from others, we tend to develop tunnel vision and view life and circumstances only from a negative and self-centred point of view--making forgiveness a challenge. When that hurt comes from within, it makes forgiveness that much more difficult. We can find self-love exclamations and affirmations everywhere and repeat them, yet we prove we don’t really love ourselves when we cannot forgive ourselves. Part of self-love is being able to forgive ourselves for things we regret doing.

So, how do we accomplish this? How can we handle and conquer the little voice in our heads that whispers, with malice, the notion that we are unworthy of our own forgiveness?

There is a tendency in all of us to hold ourselves more accountable than we do others. Perhaps we think that we must remember the mistake so that we don’t forget and repeat it again. However, when God forgives us, the Bible states that He remembers our sins no more (Jeremiah 31:34).

This does not mean that God forgets, but because He forgives us, He chooses not to remember the sin anymore. He won’t remind us of our sin after He has forgiven us of it. He forgives everyone who believes in Jesus Christ and has a relationship with Him.

Forgiving yourself is not about forgetting. It is about not bringing the offence to your mind, in negative ways. Forgiving yourself means letting go of the offence you are holding against yourself so that you can move forward with God and in life. If God has moved forward, shouldn't we do the same? To continue to ruminate on our mistakes opposes Philippians 4:8 which tells us to dwell on whatever is true, honest, just, pure, lovely, and admirable. Unforgiveness is not on that list.

Proverbs 16:25 says, "There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death". The energy it takes to harbour anger, hatred, and resentment towards ourselves is exhausting. Every bit of energy we attend to dwelling on regrets, robs us of the energy we could use to become the person God wants us to be. Forgiving ourselves does not erase the mistake, it does not justify our mistake, and it is not a sign of weakness. Forgiveness is a decision that takes courage and strength, and it provides an opportunity to become a victor instead of remaining a victim of our own mistakes.

Unforgiveness is also a form of pride. Whenever we establish a higher set of standards for ourselves over others, that is pride. When we can find it within ourselves to forgive others, but not ourselves, we are inadvertently saying that we are less capable of making a poor decision than others. We are somehow wiser, more insightful, more careful than others, and therefore, we are without excuse and should not forgive ourselves. Proverbs 16:18 says, "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall". Not forgiving yourself will bring self-destruction, but forgiveness will bring peace.

Forgiving ourselves is also important for those around us. It is a well-known fact that hurting people hurt others. The longer we avoid forgiving ourselves, the more negative we will become, and therefore, the more likely we are to hurt others. The reality is that we cannot change what has happened. The mistake has already been made. However, we can make a different choice from the present onwards. Forgiving ourselves will change the direction of our lives. It will allow us to live as God intended us (His children) to live.

Forgiveness is an extremely difficult process. The enemy has a sneaky way to whisper negative thoughts into our minds, and sometimes we truly believe his lies! We must hold onto the promises of God and His Word, to overcome those negative thoughts and feelings.

When we begin to ruminate on the sins we have committed and the enemy tries to make us feel that we are unable to be forgiven because we have done too much for God to forgive, we should remember 1 Peter 5:7: “Cast all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you” and Psalm 103:10-11: “He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear Him.” We can forgive ourselves because God has forgiven us.

We should not hold hatred in our hearts towards ourselves and our mistakes because “there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). We, who are saved, should not condemn ourselves, because Christ has redeemed us. We can live in peace and victory in Christ. Unforgiveness, on the other hand, dims that hope and light. Think about it for a moment. The Apostle Paul tells us that “if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new” (2 Corinthians 5:17). If we continue to condemn ourselves after receiving the grace and forgiveness of Christ, aren’t we, in a way, denying the faith and the work that Christ came to the Earth to do, to save us from our sins (Hebrews 6:6)? In no way am I condemning any of us when I say this.

I know how difficult it can be to forgive yourself and not remind yourself later about the mistake, ruminate on it and wonder if you are really forgiven. Sometimes when we have trouble forgiving ourselves it is because we feel that God hasn’t really forgiven us. When I feel like this, I remind myself that God has already gone to Calvary and forgiven me of ALL the sins/mistakes I have or will ever make and that He had decided to give His life for mine before the foundation of the world was ever set. I remind myself that He loves me and will never leave me, and I don’t have to believe the lies of the enemy. He is already defeated; he just hasn’t come to grips with that reality yet.

Forgiveness takes practice; reminding ourselves, verbally, that we can forgive ourselves because Christ has forgiven us first. Sometimes we need to say it aloud to ourselves every day, or even every hour, until we begin to believe it. And when that little voice comes into our minds trying to convince us that we are not forgiven by God and so we can’t possibly forgive ourselves, we can run to God and reflect on His promises and Grace and release all guilt or shame and rest in the forgiveness of God which will then lead to us to completely forgive ourselves.

To throw off that guilt and shame and make things right in our lives (especially if our mistake has hurt someone else) we must ask for forgiveness and then allow the healing process to begin. When we begin to think of the mistake, we can mentally wrap it in a ball of good thoughts and feelings and throw it away. Scientists have found that those who have difficulty forgiving are more likely to experience heart attacks, depression and high blood pressure, as well as other health issues. We want to live healthy, fulfilling lives and forgiving ourselves is a way to be mentally and even physically healthy.

HOW TO ATTACK GUILT, SHAME AND UNFORGIVENESS

Forgiving ourselves is not a neverending good day/bad day situation. At some point we will arrive at a turning point. Mistakes should be taken as lessons learned and not as selfcondemnation. We all make mistakes and forgiving ourselves is as close as we will come to a reset button. It’s ok to reset. It’s ok to forgive yourself. Below is a checklist to reference when those feelings of guilt, shame and unforgiveness arise. Try it! Though forgiveness won’t be easy; it will definitely be worth it!

1. Acknowledge your mistake. Denial is not your friend, so take responsibility for your actions. Process your feelings. Whether they are positive or negative, acknowledge your feelings so that you can do something about them. Be compassionate and empathetic towards yourself. Give yourself a break and a chance to become a better person as you learn from the mistake.

2. Remind yourself that you are not the sum of your mistakes. Life is not perfect, and neither are you. You are still breathing, which means that you still have an opportunity to do better and be better.

3. Separate your self-worth from your past mistakes. You are not what you did in the past. Your identity is not rooted in your mistakes; no matter what society may try to get you to believe.

4. Write a new chapter in your story. You can choose to ruminate on your past mistakes or you can choose to write a new chapter in your life’s story, where you learn from your mistakes and use it to benefit yourself and others.

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