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Affirmations Spotlight
Lizz Baarman Therapist, LLMSW
How long have you been with Affirmations? I've been at Affirmations for about a year now. I started August 2023 as an intern and then was hired as a therapist after I graduated in May.
What is Affirmations to you? To me, Affirmations is a safe place where I can be myself and not feel judged. I always feel very accepted and understood at Affirmations.
When you’re not working, what do you do for fun? When I'm not working, I like to read, care for my cat and my plants, play board games with friends, go to concerts and go camping.
What’s something you want everyone to know about Affirmations? I would like people to know that Affirmations can help them with almost any problem they're having. I want people to know that there are people at Affirmations who care about them, and that they're not alone in these problems they're going through. There is a community available to them at Affirmations.
If you had to teach a class on one thing, what would you teach? If I had to teach a class, it would probably be on communication in relationships and how to effectively communicate with partners, friends, and family. Or I could teach a class on the the deeper meaning in song lyrics!
Understanding Ethical Non-monogamy
We are in a monoganormative world where monogamy is the gold standard. We’ve been taught that monogamy is the only acceptable relationship style and any other choice is problematic. This is not true for everyone as demonstrated by the number of gay men who have chosen an open relationship.
This is an opportunity to begin a discussion about their marital contract and its boundaries, which they have assumed individually, not negotiated together.
Even if couples tell me they are in a monogamous relationship I ask if they have negotiated their monogamy. They often look at me like I have two heads. When I talk with couples, most have not negotiated their monogamy. Often, I receive puzzled looks. They think the question I am asking should only be for those in an open relationship. That’s when I start asking questions like these: Is it okay to flirt with others? Can they have lunch or dinner with a person of the opposite sex? Is it okay to watch pornography? Is masturbating considered a betrayal? Is engaging in cybersex out of bounds? What about a three-way?
Often one partner says, “No, absolutely not, we are monogamous,” while the other partner my say, “Well, I don’t know; that sounds like monogamy to me.”
As sex and marriage therapist Marty Klein says, “Couples fight over contracts they have never made”
This brings up another question: can someone who is monogamous remain coupled with someone who is openly not? Sometimes, one partner may find monogamy too confining while the other expects and is happy in a monogamous relationship.
In our sessions, I encourage couples to talk openly and honestly about their relationship – is it truly monogamous? What do they consider monogamous? Do they have a mutually agreed upon definition of monogamous? It might take many conversations to reach a consensus.
If couples are interested in exploring a non-monogamous relationship, we will talk about it the same way we discuss a mo-
nogamous relationship. Mutual consent is essential. I encourage couples to establish a contract of what they will and will not accept in an open relationship. Some partners prefer not to know about their partner’s sexual activities outside the relationship, while others insist on knowing. The rules need to be specific and clear. These types of relationships require a lot of hard work, a lot of honest communication and a lot of trust.
Sometimes one or both partners think the relationship is coming to an end by opening their relationship. That is not always true. Many happy and successful relationships – both gay and straight – have open relationship contracts.
It is important to stay true to your contract.
In our sessions, we also talk about safer sex. When sexually playing outside their relationship, there is a risk of STIs. It’s not realistic to assume the person you are with is telling the truth about being tested for STIs. I always tell my clients to play safely.
We also discuss fidelity and what it means to each person. Some define fidelity by their emotional commitment, not their sexual behavior. Gay male couples in particular, have a different view. They often engage in sexual encounters based on sexual attraction only and not affection. Many straight couples – especially millennials – are doing the same thing.
In summary, as a therapist my role is to support the decision couples make about having a monogamous or open relationship. If the arrangement is working for them, it is not my role to intervene, share my opinion or judge.
I help couples figure out what is right for them. I am impartial, I help couples negotiate their decision and I support that decision. If couples had negotiated which behaviors are acceptable and which are not, it would cut down on the number of couples who come into my office because their unstated contract had been violated.
Joe Kort, Ph.D., LMSW AASECT Certified Sex Therapist & Supervisor of Sex Therapy
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Hookup from Hell
I can’t decide whether not dating is the best thing ever, or the absolute fucking worst. I’ll never work that one out in my brain. Dating is inescapable. There are differences, of course, between first dates, second dates, hookups, “date night”, Tinder dates, and Hinge dates. Which ones are worth it?
The fear and yet desire of pursuit of whatever it is we’re looking for, whether it’s love or just a roiling good time.
The latter can be – shocker –inanely difficult to find. The reason I say that is one time at a family thanksgiving my sister had her boyfriend come, only to know her ex fiancé was staying at my grand parents, we showed up early as we usually stay with them and unfortunately found them fondling each other in my grandpas back shed. If that can happen to them it could happen to me, or you!
