All Abroad December 2011 by DAVE BULL

A SHORT POEM You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, You laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied Your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Today when I awoke, you were gone; I searched for you but to no avail, Only the sheets bore witness to last night’s events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making It all the more difficult to forget you.

Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you... Poxy mosquito.

Poxy mosquito.

A BIT LIKE DR DOOLITTLE? Can is start this article by congratulating Peugeot for manufacturing what must be one of securest motorcycle storage spaces (under the seat) in the world. I’ll explain in a bit. Firstly of course festive greetings to all our readers who, if I know anything about All Abroad readers, will be warming up for Christmas and New Year rather nicely by now. I must also thank Elena Pei Shi Chen from BSA school Alicante who won our competition to design this month’s front cover – I’ll be seeing her at the school this month with her prize. Right, the motorbike seat then. I’d gone to Elche to meet someone and after buying a few bits from a local supermarket I headed back to the bike. As I fumbled in each pocket (gradually getting more anxious and doing it faster and faster) it dawned on me – with a hail of swear words – that I’d locked the keys under the seat with my helmet when I’d slammed it shut. After appraising the situation to find a methodical way of solving the problem for about two seconds I tried shoving my hand through the tiny gap I saw beneath the seat in the hope of forcing it upwards. Have you ever shut your hand in a car door? That is what it felt like as the seat didn’t budge an inch (and I could have sworn it actually ‘bit back’). So there I was in

the middle of Elche on my knees with my hand stuck under the seat and making a kind of whimpering noise. Time to get the

bus. I headed towards the bus stops but as I approached and saw one that would be heading in my direc-

WIN FREE FLIGHTS!

tion, my sense of adventure kicked in (or common sense was kicked out?) and I decided that it was such a nice evening (it was about 6pm by now) I would walk the 18 kilometres home. It’s not easy carrying groceries in a plastic bag while trying to keep up and brisk pace so I decided that I’d have to sacrifice the edam cheese and Magdalena cakes that I’d bought to lighten my load (by ‘sacrifice’ I mean I was going to transfer the load from outside of my body to the inside as I was hungry by now). That just left me the fruit juice and the red wine… Glass is heavier than plastic, so I began on the wine. This was at the 12 kilometre marker and my pace was still good – two hours in and about one to go – but then (thanks to the Swiss Army supplies store) I opened the wine. That helped and soon after I was chatting away with wildlife, and trees, as I strolled along. I reached the bottom of Gran Alacant (that’s where I live so that was handy…) a little over two hours later – looking for a recycle bin. By now I was in very good spirits following all that walking and had even managed to make up several songs about ‘the lights of Gran Alacant are a shinin’ (that’s it) as I’d approached and seen my home on the hill. My son came down and picked me up to save me walking up the long hill but for some reason wasn’t too happy with me shouting to all the lampposts, ‘I’m home!’

By Dave Bull

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ADVICE INFOTIPS NEWS

warning!

by Mr Grumpy www.tumbit.com

ADSL AT THE SPEED OF A SLUG

SCAM

ON THE cOSTA!

Dear All Abroad Warning.......Scam against older men. Women often receive warnings about

Before I go any further I should per-

(he) installed some kind of booster-

haps point out that I am not what you

thingy which worked perfectly.

may call a ‘Tecchie’. I am confident

Now, the fact that the bodge-job of my

that I can master my DVD player, I can

set up, combined with the distance that

even send text messages (not bad for a

my line ran from the post, combined

37 year old), and admittedly I struggle

with the distance that my post was

when it comes to downloading films or

from the main exchange, combined

music from the net.

with the fact that we are in fact living

So why on earth would I need ADSL

in Spain, all meant that my 1 meg con-

Broadband at 1 Gazillion Megabytes,

nection was in fact closer to about .1 of

or whatever it is that the providers in

a Meg. Which naturally means that my

the UK are offering these days? Does

internet speed is painfully slow.

it mean that I will be able to down-

Only yesterday we had a downpour,

load my Spam e mails even quick more

which for some unknown reason meant

of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t

quickly? – Thousand of their clients in

that my ADSL (but not the telephones,

be naive enough to think it couldn’t

the UK must now be able to place their

oddly) went down for about 8 hours –

orders for Viagra at break-neck speed.

bit of a problem when you work from

I had lived in my rural finca, about

home – so I had to de-camp to the local

happen to you or your friends. Here’s how the scam works: Two nice-looking, university-aged girls

2kms out of town but not ridiculously

bar and set up office there. In the Town

will come over to your car as you are

remote, for about 3 years, surviving off

they have a 6 Meg connection, which

mobile phones etc... when I decided to

apparently means that on a good day,

look into getting a landline (and from

and when there is no rain and the wind

packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your wind-

then on, ADSL) .My neighbour had

is blowing in the right direction, they

about 4 lines with Telefonica, and as

can expect 3 Meg, and I must admit

their line ran across the foot of my gar-

that the speed is noticeably better.

den – about 30 foot from the end of my

Apart from the obvious benefit of be-

Finca itself, I was confident that this

ing able to place their orders for Viagra

wouldn’t be a problem.

much quicker, this means that they can

This isn’t the time or place for me to

also get Live British TV streamed!

spell out exactly how things panned

All this for ‘just’ 60 Euros (Plus calls,

out for me, but those of you who have

Plus IVA, Plus Window tax etc...) per

ever had the misfortune to have had

month.

dealings with Telefonica will not need me to go any further.... let’s just say it

the hell does that compare to service

wasn’t exactly quick or easy.

providers in the UK who are offering

(This is perhaps where I should plug

‘bundles’ of 20 –odd TV High Definition

my previous Blog The Joys of dealing

TV Channels, Telephone Landline, Mo-

with Telefonica.)

bile, 20 Meg ADSL etc... All for about 40

Once I eventually managed to secure

Quid per Month?

my 1 Meg connection (or at least that’s

I appreciate that Spain’s Infrastruc-

what it was sold as) and connected my

ture isn’t as advanced as the UK and all

router I found that

the other stuff, but when the likes of

Fin the walls of my Fin-

Telefonica are investing in other com-

ca were too robust

panies in other countries (Such as the

for the WIFI signal

UK’s O2), why can’t they get the basics

to work through.

right in their own country?

So with the aid and

I look forward to full de-regulation, if

advice from one

and when that ever happens, until then

I will be posting my orders for Viagra

Techno-

geek friends I bought

and

to China.

protecting themselves at shopping centres and in dark car parks etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven’t heard about it. A ‘heads up’ for those men who may be regular customers at Brico House, Mercadona, or even Aldi. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim

shield with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It’s impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ but instead ask for a ride to McDonald’s in Santa Pola. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also November 1st & 4th and again today. So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant. So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.) Please take this seriously and pass on to your older male friends. Kind regards Peter

- BUT IT’S FLATTERING TO BE COPIED - ALL ABROAD!

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Est. 1991

SOLD THE CAR

Fiscal help... Spanish probate / Inheritances Spanish Wills

& RECEIVED A ROAD TAX BILL?

i Andrea,

In February 2010, we sold our car.

Hi Chris,

Conveyancing

This year we received the suma bill

If the baja (cancellation of the registration) is registered properly at

Notarial deeds

for the road tax. We had no idea we were liable to pay this and found out

Fiscal representation

that we were still the registered owner

Property taxes

fore liable for such payment.

Power of attorney

of the car on 1st of January and thereWe spoke several times to the buyer and she said she did not have the

the traffic office and shows up as such in their records (this can be checked out at the traffic office by requesting a report that is obtained by paying a reasonable administrative fee) you will be alright.

Private sales contracts

money to pay for the transfer or pay

Nonetheless you might not be en-

for the ‘suma’. We tried to help her

tirely happy with the idea of Mrs. X

Change-over of utility bills

as much as we could but took advice

still driving around in that car. The

from a company that deals with car

temporary baja is usually used to

transfers etc. and decided to have a

take the car off the road and stop

temporal ‘Baja’ put on the car as we

having to pay road tax.

Planning permissions

were worried about Mrs X driving the car whilst it was still in our name! We

A solution would be to have the car

gave Mrs X a chance to do the trans-

scrapped. Along with the original of

fer before putting a Baja on the car but she refused. The Baja was dated 11th April 2011. My problem is can Mrs. X carry on driving the car although it has a Baja put on it? And it is still in my name. What happens if she gets parking

the baja the car can be towed away and scrapped. With the document from the scrapyard the car can then be cancelled for good with the traffic office. To avoid getting into such a situation in the first place it is always

fines or something worse? Is there

advisable to sign a sales contract

any way we can force her to register

between the buyer and the seller.

the car?

There are standard contracts avail-

It has been a very stressful and wor-

able on the Internet that can be

rying time trying to deal with this. How

used, if required, to clarify own-

can we resolve this very worrying

ership to the authorities at a later

problem for good?

date.

Chris D.

Andrea Burns.

Avenida América, 32, GRAN ALACANT 96 669 7824 OFFICE@ANDREABURNS.ES

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BY MALCOLM PALMER In a notable change from my usual style of wildlife holidays, I succumbed to the demands of ‘she who shall be obeyed’ and booked a cruise on the Western Mediterranean – my first experience of this kind. I was less than enthusiastic. We had the great good fortune, then, to be recommended onto Royal Caribbean International, and so it was that we found ourselves boarding the ‘Adventure of the Seas’ on a sunny Sunday morning in Valencia. Seen from afar, the ship looked vast – from close quarters, it (can’t bring myself to use the pretentious feminine pronoun) looked awe-inspiring. Security was impressively thorough, (memories of the ‘Achille Laure?’) but we were soon installed in our spacious cabin, complete with balcony, and off to explore the ship. More a floating city than a ship, really, with a Commercial Centre, more bars and restaurants than you could count, a casino, a huge theatre, three swimming pools, and an ice-rink, for crying out loud! As we manoeuvred out of the tight dock, the Skipper announced that winds of up to force eight were predicted for the next thirty hours, and suggested that susceptible folk should start swallowing pills. My wife duly obliged, but, having ‘enjoyed’ trips from Penzance to the Scillies on the dreaded ‘Scillonian’ – when secondhand tomato skins filled the air as the old tub pitched and rolled, with waves above the masthead, I decided I was made of sterner stuff. In the event, movement was relatively slight, causing little more than a bit of drunken weaving as we walked around. A full day at sea gave me a chance to look for birds. Nothing! Zilch! Diddly-squat! Until, that is, we arrived within an hour of the Sardinian coast, when, out of gathering dusk, two immaculate adult Eleonora’s Falcons appeared from nowhere so suddenly I almost missed them. Next morning we were safely docked in Civatavecchia, and booked on a sight-seeing trip to Rome. Apart from the many Hooded Crows, there was little to excite the naturalist in me, but Rome was new, so, even though the Pope seemed to be unaware of our visit, and hadn’t invited us in for a coffee, I made do with buying fridge-magnets and taking too many photos. Another short hop saw us in Livorno, from where we were to make the trip to Pisa. Amazingly, I saw an Osprey and a Great White CORY´S SHERAWATER

Egret on the way, then…..more photos, and, to me, the revelation that the famous leaning tower (I saw people sacked for building things plumber than that) wasn’t only leaning, it was banana-shaped! The short visit enabled us to spend a few hours around the pool on board,

ON BOARD SHOPPING

then we were setting sail for Ajaccio, the Corsican capital. Nice

town!

Napoleon’s

birthplace, but you knew that, of course. The island would repay

a longer visit, cloaked with pinewoods, but

not a lot in the way of wildlife, even after a couple of local ‘Pietra’ beers – 6.4% stuff! Soon we were off again, for our longest time at sea, all the way to Málaga. This time, the sea was a mill-pond, and, with Ibiza off the starboard bow, (getting into this nautical stuff, eh?) a couple of Willow

CAMAROTE

Warblers and a Yellow Wagtail came aboard, the a school of dolphins kept pace with us. Málaga was hospitable as ever, full, however, of feral Monk Parakeets, but with the cheapest seafood imaginable. On the short hop around to Valencia, I finally saw a nice Cory’s Shearwater – not before time! I have to report that my wife is a true convert to cruising – and I’ll go along willingly, thanks to the amazing service, food and atmosphere on ‘Adventure of the Seas.’ Royal Caribbean offer a wide range of cruises, all over the world – and I, for one, am inclined

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Tel. 96 543 23 50- toldospenalver@terra.es - www.toldospenalver.com

Number

Words to take note of at Xmas Simple Spanish

with Vicki

nbelievably Christmas is almost upon us once more, where did 2011 go? The avertisements on British Television start more or less in September so by the time

ber. This is a massive National Lottery that has taken place since 1812, and the winning tickets take 3 hours to be drawn and the numbers sang out by pupils of the San Illdefonso School. This

New Year´s Eve, or “Nochevieja” (literally “old night”) is a fabulous celebration in Spain. It is considered to be good luck to wear red underwear on this night. The New Year is welcomed in with

Christmas day actually arrives we have had enough of it

is broadcast on the television, and Spain more or less comes to a halt as everyone watches the draw and hopes to strike it lucky just in time for Christmas

“Cava” (Spanish champagne) and the 12 chimes of the clock at midnight are counted in while trying to eat one grape for each, representing good luck for each month of the year, if you manage to do it!! It helps if you use seedless grapes! Celebrations go on to 5 or six in the morning, so don´t start too early the night before...

One thing I love about Spain is the resistance to this total hype and early planning, though over the last few years this area has become more commercialised as far as Christmas is concerned, due to the influence of all us expats. However, you can still shop in the Habaneras in Torrevieja or even

Christmas is a family celebration in Spain. On Christmas Eve, or “Nochebuena” (literally meaning “good night”) all the family get together in the evening for a special dinner which starts late

Nuevo Condomino in Murcia in relative peace and

and goes on to the early hours of the morning. If

Day) is the day that gifts are exchanged in Spain,

quiet as long as you go in the morning or early afternoon, and not after 5 pm!! When I first arrived here over 14 years ago it was a struggle to find Christmas trees and decorations before the 25th, and we will see that in fact the

they are religious, they will attend midnight mass, known as “La Misa del Gallo”, or rooster mass, as it was supposedly the rooster that announced the birth of Christ. Christmas day itself is quite low key, with few presents exchanged as the main day for exchanging gifts in Spain is actually the Epiphany,

traditionally being the day the Three Kings gave Jesus their gifts. Chidren polish their shoes on the evening of the 5th and leave them outside, hoping to see them filled with sweeys the next morning. Most towns have Kings Day parade on the early evening of the 5th, when the Three Kings roam

Spanish traditionally celebrate Christmas in a very different way as Spain is a predominantly Catholic country, whether practicing or not,

the 6th of January that we will look at later. However, “Papa Noel” or Father Christmas is definitely more in evidence these days than previously. Box-

the streets in floats and throw out sweets to the crowds. Make sure your children have a carrier bag to collect them in and watch out for tiny but

Christmas is essentially a religious festival rather than a commercial one. The nativity scene, or “Belén”, is a huge tradition, and most Spanish houses will contruct their own nativity secene,

ing day, the 26th, is business as usual in Spain and is not celebrated nor is it a Bank Holiday.

fearsome Spanish “abuelas” who will shove you out of the way to get sweets for their grandchildren. “La Rosca de Los Reyes”, a traditional ring-shaped cake is eaten, the next day containing

buying new figures each year and passing them down through generations. The Nativity scene displayed by the Ayuntamiento in Torrevieja Town

“El Dia de Los Innocentes” or The Day of the Innocents has bloody roots, as it was the day that Herod supposedly slaughtered the children of Ju-

plastic figures which bring luck to the person who gets them in their piece.

Square is legend, and is a “must see” item. “Belén” is also a popular girl´s name in Spain.

dea. However, it has become a day of pranks and practical jokes, with bogus news stories in the papers etc, similar to April Fools day, so don´t believe everything you hear on that day!!

Vicki Riley has taught Spanish to Expats for over

Another imprtant event , though not so ethereal, is the announcement of the winners of “El Gordo”“the fat one”or “big one”, on the 22nd of Decem-

The 28th is the next essentially Spanish fiesta.

January the 6th, or El Día de los Reyes, (King´s

12 years. Based in San Miguel de Salinas, she offers semi-intensive classes, online courses and books and CDs for home learning. For full details email info@elprincipecentre.com, Tel. 965 999 047 or visit the website www.elprincipecentre.com.

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George Clooney By Suzanne Manners

and the Mountain Goats

ach morning at 7.30 my son and I catch the

olence but has found it difficult to be taken seriously

bus to school. To while away the time we invent

and is written off as a harridan who couldn’t get a

nicknames for our fellow passengers. There is

man anyway (the fact that she is gay and wouldn’t

Bear Man (who snuffles and grunts continuously),

want one is apparently irrelevant). Fellow feminist

Trouser Lady (who wears a variety of brightly co-

and ‘man-hater’ Naomi Klein on the other hand, who

loured trousers) and Woman with Sullen Teenager

looks like a Playboy Bunny, appears on talk shows

(no explanation needed). Some time ago Karl Marx

and is listened to with reverence and a certain lazy

joined us at El Altet, and thus began another bick-

eyed wandering on the part of the male interviewer.

ering session with my son who insisted that Karl

Simone De Beauvoir, who was a gifted writer and phi-

Marx (the passenger not the philosopher) was in fact

losopher, lived with Jean Paul Sartre for many years

Santa Claus. He had a valid point and I was forced

and suffered enormously every time he strayed from

to concede (if only to shut him up) which leads me

the path of monogamy (which was often, due to a

to the age old question of why in a western society,

bizarre game invented by female philosophy stu-

which is noted for its suspicion of strangers, we al-

dents called “Have you kissed Jean Paul yet?”). When

low a fat man with a dodgy beard to break into our homes and eat mince pies (Though why a communist

Fiesta Time ! Lifestyle & Expofiesta 2011 Exhibition The Lifestyle & Expofiesta 2011 Exhibitions– at the IFA Exhibition Centre near Alicante Airport on the 4th, 5th and 6th November, proved to be a great success, the organizers SOL Productions now have the final statistics from the event showing that the combination of the Lifestyle, ExpoFiesta, Tourism and Culture exhibitions worked very well in drawing in the crowds, final visitor count was just over 16,000 visitors during the 3 days. The Friday and Saturday proved to be very International with ex-pats, and the Sunday being a superb day out for the Spanish.

94 companies exhibited in the Lifestyle Exhibition totaling 160 stands with English, International and Spanish busiasked why she remained with him, De Beauvoir nesses. would shrug her shoulders, in that way the French

such as Karl would do this is beyond me).

do so well, and exclaim that he was a great man

Okay so Santa leaves presents in our stockings, but

and great men need their freedom. Which was, to all

let’s face it, he’s a man and the likelihood of him

intents and purposes, a get out of jail free card for

even remembering to buy a present let alone actually

old Jean Paul and his fellow mountain goats? ‘I stray

wrapping it and placing it lovingly at the end of a bed

therefore I am’. Of the two, it is well documented that

is as about likely as my son offering to do the wash-

Simone was the more talented (and attractive) and

ing up. Now, if Santa looked like George Clooney

perhaps some of Jean Paul’s behaviour (and his exis-

then I could understand the whole Christmas thing.

tentialist beliefs) can be attributed to this imbalance.

If it was Father Clooney who clambered in and out of

To be fair to the Tree frog if you lived with someone

your chimney once a year then women all over the

who suffered silently with your indiscretions and still

world would be wearing the stockings not hanging

served you onion soup and red wine at the end of

them above the fireplace, and never mind a mince

the day, wouldn’t you misbehave? Let’s face it girls,

60 Spanish companies made up the ExpoFiesta exhibition and 40 companies made up the Tourismo and Interplural – The Cultural/ Interplural event, provided awareness of products and services of the many different foreign nationals who reside in our region, providing activities including workshops as well as a huge gastronomical tasting experience, with samples of the best and most typical dishes from more than 20 different countries.

course meal and a bucket of champagne for Father

This was also an ideal time with Christmas just around the corner for everyone to stock up for the Christmas wish lists men are often the way they are because we allow them to be. I have been a woman all my life (apart and stocking fillers!

Clooney and the hope that he would fill your stock-

from the night I drank too many Tequila slammers

ings with a little more than a tangerine and a tin of

and thought I was a multi-storey car park) and I still

Quality Street.

don’t ‘get’ us.

pie and a carrot for Rudolf, nothing less than a five

So, while pondering whether the Father of Commu-

“Nietzsche my darling of course you can stay out all

nism and the Father of Christmas were one and the

night...your favourite pyjamas? The ones with Darth

same my mind flitted to the question of beauty and

Vader on...consider them washed...no of course your

attraction.

ideas are not silly...you’re a very clever boy and such

Why do all the world’s great thinkers look like Hima-

a superman...”

layan Mountain Goats (except for Jean Paul Sartre

But hold on girls, I’m not blaming us for all the

who resembled a rather large Amazonian Tree frog)?

world’s ills, after all only a man could have come up

I know that beauty is only skin deep (although in the

with a petulant philosophy of life such as Nihilism

case of Monsieur Sartre beauty fell flat on its face be-

(“why should I pick up my socks and put them in the

fore it got anywhere near his skin) and that one must

laundry basket, there’s no God and we’re all going to

never judge by looks alone, but why is it perfectly ac-

die anyway ... can I have some more of those choc-

ceptable for men to look like congealed lumps of cold

olate muffins?”) but what I am saying is, that you

Christmas pudding and still be successsuccess

get the men you deserve (so that explains why I am single). In my opinion Simone and her fellow goat herders need slap around the face and a good shake.

ful and desirable while women who are less than perfect are overlooked and derided? Andrea Dworkin, a very intelligent and incisive feminist thinker, was pilloried in the

male

press

dominated

because

she

was overweight and refused

wear

makeup (although I

suspect

even

Besides if you’re the type of woman who’s likely to be forgiving of male foibles then at least choose one who’s nice to look at. The other Simone (Sigornet) had Jean Paul Belmondo to cry over (and various other Jean Pauls and Alains...she was a woman

I, personally would like to thank you individually for your support and look forward to working with you all again in the future. Kind Regards Gina Marks

Alyou’ll think you’ve landed on the page for Al paca producers.

a slick of mascara while awaiting Fa-

his contract responded “But there is no

bit of rouge and

The event organizers, SOL Productions would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who participated in the event, especially our main sponsors White Knight Glass Curtains, SOL Productions ‘The SOL Bar’ sponsors 2020 Tel and Playa Flamenca Viajes as well as all of our collaborating media companies who promoted the event. THANK YOU. We hope the professional organization and event combination will now take the exhibition scene here on the Costa Blanca to new heights.

who did not believe in suffering alone). Next time you’re surfing the web, Google phiphi losophers or great thinkers and believe me

I will leave you with my favourite Christmas joke, courtesy of the great Marx (Groucho) who when asked to sign a sanity clause on

she dabbed on a

This year was also the first time with FREE ENTRY to the Lifestyle exhibition, again adding to the success of the event.

ther Clooney). Ms

sanity clause”

Dworkin has spent

Merry Christmas to one and all and to

her life writing about

Monsieur Sartre, a Hoppy New Year.

rape and domestic vi-

Mystic Monkey ‘Uuuummmmm...’

WHAT GOES DOWN…

DECEMBER 2011

FANTASY FOOTY 2011-12

It’s a nose-to-the-grindstone month this month, although, of course, as a bossy Aries-ian, the nose doesn’t necessarily have to be yours. Your month will be chockfull of things to delegate - do not hesitate to push your impressive Aries ass about to achieve your goals. A contract which gave Microsoft rights over all creative work authored by you while using their software (which you agreed to when you clicked Agree without reading all of the clauses when installing Microsoft software in 1998) is set to reduce your income this month by over a third. This month, raw apples, lemons, oranges, mango, passion fruits, kiwis, strawberries, raspberries, grapefruits, but not cranberries, are out of favor with most of the planets. Conversely, pies or cakes which include these fruits as an ingredient are really well starred. Latin American dictators will, at times, make things awkward this month, especially ones that speak in Spanish and point violently when delivering their speeches. Be particularly wary of South American related commemorative plates which arrive unexpectedly in the post.

SOLAR RINGS FOR POOLS

(Keeps pool warmer)

only

A visit to a zoo, a leisure park, or a sleazy motel, will all end messily. Ensure bottled water is on hand and a rag to mop your furrowed brow. Fortune readings will be only 13% accurate throughout the month. Ensure to cross-examine any clearly vague predictions demanding dates, times and colors. Soft chewy toffees and baby dogs are badly matched this month, unless you want to do that thing where you put toffee around a mutt’s mouth so that when the dog licks his own lips you pretend they are talking by throwing your voice.

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Over the Christmas season you will see a movie and review it completely wrongly to friends at a social occasion. Your overheard comments will be deemed so newsworthy that your review will be mentioned mockingly on a local radio breakfast show. An argument with an advocate of Intelligent Design, whom you meet in a restaurant around the 19th, is set to provide moments of high drama on your spiritual debating plane for most of the month. The planets will contrive to fill your head with ludicrous Big Bang arguments as a Christmas season treat for them.

page 22

It must be said that Dive Academy Santa Pola must be good…they’ve hit the bottom of the league table and managed to stay there (presumably they must be holding their breath by now?)I called in to see Damon at the dive centre on the port in Santa Pola and asked Damon what his strategy was. ‘Well, it’s not a sprint - is the first thing I’d like to say and, being a Derby fan, I am obviously used to disappointment so it’s not too bad but come the end of the season we’ll be smoothly rising to the top – like any decent diver would!’ So there you have it, and with All Abroad just above the Dive Centre Damon can probably be confident that it won’t be his team resting on the bottom come the end of the season. Back to the top and Raymond Wilby is starting to get fitted out for a sheepskin coat while Old Tom Byrne (isn’t that a drink?) is just 23 points behind with cameraman Brad Cullen focusing on third spot for now. The ladies are giving the guys a run for their money too with Shirley Wood, Enda Fallon and Caroline Wilkinson all doing well. So who will be top at Christmas? And who will decide that after a poor start perhaps they should sack themselves? Good luck and watch out for Damon’s late charge…

Your skills as an impersonator will provide your friends with moments of mirth this month as, for reasons known only to the gilding on Mars’s upper-cusp, the planets have contrived to get the person you are sending up to sneak up on you from behind in mid impersonation. Jupiter’s continued journey along the ancient, invisible, line of Ka, suggests problems with electrical equipment which use water, such as dish washers and washing machines. This translates in your reality to doors becoming unlocked after the midnight hour has struck, especially on the hotter cycles. Knock twice on all doors after 10th as you are at risk of a disturbing occurrence involving a man with a white beard trying to pull his sack over a shoulder. Your attempts at shaving on the 7th will be fraught with difficulties whilst Jupiter transgresses a nipitent plane Hallucinogenic drugs are poorly starred before the 7th, but after 15th home based binges (including orgies) are well starred - ensure you have completed any yet-to-be-finished festive season decorations before starting.

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Questions & ANSWERS

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Silver Surfers: The Old Are Getting Younger!

When most people consider holidays for the elderly, there is a tendency to associate the market with steering clear of the internet. After all, the over 60s stereotype is characterised by technophobia and a lack of interest in internet shopping. However, like many stereotypes, this one too has recently been shattered by a recent study that lists internet surfing as the most popular hobby for the over 60s.

this affluent market remains relatively untapped. Variety and Activity Contrary to the stereotype again, research suggests that pensioners are not only interested in ‘cruise websites” and bingo trips. Edutainment (educational entertainment trips), adventure travel and other more active holidays are becoming more popular with this niche market. I am not sure if the silver surfers are actually surfing too but the buzz is that the old are definitely getting younger - and their choice of holiday is reflected in this trend.

The survey, undertaken this year by AXA, reveals that internet activities are now the single most cited hobby by British pensioners. With over 40% of respondents listing internet usage as a hobby, web surfing edged out the more ‘typical’ elderly hobby of DIY and Gardening (39%) and was significantly ahead of ‘walking and hiking’ at 28%. What is of note to us travel marketers though, is that 28% of them also listed travel as a hobby. When it comes to the holiday industry, there are two characteristics of the Silver Surfer market niche that should be of interest to marketing managers.

Tech News:

Buyer Beware The younger market is characterised by trend following. If something is fashionable, it is easier to get the herd to follow. For the older consumer, however,

How Much Did You Say? You think the rain is bad in Spain at the moment? Well I am afraid that computer fans are being affected worldwide by the rain. Due to immense flooding in the Thai region three of the major hard drive producers have had to close their factories until flood waters have receded. At the moment HDD prices have increased by around 50% especially for smaller computer builders, so don’t be surprised if you are looking for a hard drive to be quoted much more than you were expecting. The hard drive market is expected to stabilise within the next 3 months which means that the Christmas trade may be affected by the shortage and high price of hard drives!

they have literally been around the block many times and they are not as easy to manipulate. For this reason, while we are used to the shopping adage of ‘buyer beware’ when catering to the older markets, I think that a more appropriate adage would be ‘seller beware’

Oooh That’s Cheap! On the bright side to the HDD crisis DDR3 RAM is at an all-time low meaning you can have a new DDR3 system with a large amount of memory for very little extra on the price, just make sure you get a 64 BIT windows installation to take advantage of over 4GB of RAM.

Thanks, and if you have any questions please contact me at the email address below. Steve.

Disposable Income Disposable incomes amongst the retired is on the rise, and with so much free time left after a long career, holidays are a popular target of this unallocated disposable wealth. With less pressing requirements and more income than the standard 18-30 market, its strange that

Have you got a computer problem that you need some help with? if so either write to us here at the magazine or contact Steve direct on info@iber-tech.com or 96 671 8705

XBOX Kinect is coming to Windows PC’s For those of you out there who have experienced the Kinect controller on your XBOX 360 and wish it could control you PC well there is good news, Microsoft is currently developing the Kinect for Windows which will allow you to use your hand gestures and body movements to control your PC. Just think Tom Cruise in Minority Report! I personally can’t wait for full gesture control its going to be amazing!

Steve Haynes

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Email: ask@allabroad.es Twitter: @allabroadmag Web: www.allabroad.es Or call us on: 606 540 408 Failing that: send a pigeon

YOU’RE ALL THE SAME…

Dear All Abroad, As you are an English magazine I write to you to see perhaps if you have an answer for us non-English people who cannot understand why you must be so noisy, always when you have drunk beer I think. In my country we handle our beer very well and do not need to fight and shout when we have had several. But my question again is to you because we do not understand it when other countries are not like yourselves? Clem. Via email. Hi Clem, There’s nothing like being objective and fair is there? And your letter is neither, naff off. Ed.

ROUND ‘EM UP

Dear Sir, A big thanks to All Abroad for recommending the TV people to us. They were extremely friendly and efficient (which was a vast improvement on our last experience) and having someone who will not be ‘gone’ tomorrow is reassuring at last. Have many other people had horrendous experiences with TV people who have said one thing and then done another? My husband and I twice have been the victims of less than honest ‘tradesmen’ who insisted that their TV system was the one for us, only for it to either repeatedly fail or pack up totally the next day! I’d be interested to hear from anyone who has suffered the same nightmares. Angela. Name & address supplied. Hi Angela, Firstly you’re welcome and secondly these cowboys should have a catchphrase…’TV – for a few dollars more’ Ed.

Dear All Abroad,

Since moving to Spain about 6 years ago, we have found many British flags flying upside down (al rebe). This occurs about 50% of the time, so it seems to be pot luck on the correct way to fly the flag. Even many British companies get it wrong! You would have thought the manufacturers would make the material with the correct loops and tags to ensure it can only fly the right way up! So what do we do about it? Well here’s a bit of history for you and if you are flying the Union flag over your building just check on the following: When King James VI of Scotland ascended to the English throne, thereby becoming James I of England, the national flags of England and Scotland on land continued to be, respectively, the red St George’s cross and the white St Andrew’s cross. Confusion arose, however, as to what flag would be appropriate at sea. Because of our sea-faring

prowess, many flags were flown on the bowsprit of a ship, known as the jack in sailors terms, hence Union Jack. On 12 April 1606 a proclamation was issued: “All our subjects in this our isle and kingdom of Great Britain and the members thereof, shall bear in their main top the red cross commonly called St George’s Cross and the white cross commonly called St. Andrew’s Cross joined together according to a form made by our heralds and sent to our Admiral to be published to our said subjects.” This new flag joining the red cross of St. George (on a white background) with the white diagonal cross of St. Andrew (on a blue background). So from April 1606 the flag looked like this:

insult to the crown). Moreover, theoretically it is still a criminal offence both in the UK and throughout the commonwealth, even today, to fly the flag upside down.

The modern flag appeared when Ireland was joined to the United Kingdom in 1800. The new flag included the diagonal red cross of St Patrick (on a white background). This cross probably came from the arms of the powerful and largely pro-English Fitzgerald family, and was used to complete the slightly asymmetrical modern design, which looks like this:

For those of you still very much confused, here is a quick quiz for you. Which of these flags is flying correctly and which is flying upside-down?

The flag is flown with the wider diagonal white band uppermost nearest to the flagpole (or hoist) to show that Scotland’s white banner was in the union before Irelands red diagonal, and the narrower diagonal white band uppermost away from the pole. The flag is flown on government buildings on: Anniversary of the Queen’s Accession - 6th February Birthday of the Duke of York - 19th February St David’s Day (Wales only) - 1st March Birthday of Prince Edward, Earl of Wessex - 10th March Commonwealth Day - 2nd Monday in March Queen’s Birthday - 21st April St George’s Day (England only) - 23rd April Coronation Day - 2nd June Birthday of the Duke of Edinburgh - 10th June Queen’s Official Birthday varies each year - in June Birthday of the Princess Royal (Princess Anne) - 15th August Remembrance Sunday varies each year - in November Birthday of the Prince of Wales - 14th November Queen’s Wedding Day 20th November St Andrew’s Day (Scotland only) - 30th November Flying the flag upside down is a naval sign of distress and is known as ‘lese majeste’ (an

So come on the Brits, let’s get our flag flying correctly and remember James Robertson Justice in the film “Those Magnificent Men in their Flying Machines”, whose comment before the start of the race was “The trouble with these International events, is that they attract foreigners!”. Our personal feeling is that since 1800 was over 200 years ago, who really cares if Scotland joined the union before Ireland. We believe the flag should be made symmetrical, so the problem does not exist in the future.

Correct answer is B

Pets In Spain

The Pets In Spain team are here to help abandoned animals in Spain and others in need of re-homing. If you are looking to adopt a dog or cat, or need to find a home for one, or if you simply want to know more about taking care of your pet in Spain, this is the web site for you.

Julia

was found abandoned in a small village and had made her way onto the motorway before being rescued. She is approx 1 yr old and vaccinated. Julia is a little nervous around adults but is outstanding with children. She loves her tummy tickles and will roll around all day long if it means keeping a child happy. Call: 693 100 712

from the website

www.allabroad.es

WALKING THE DOG

A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney Along the way. The flight attendant explained that There would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted To get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was Blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and Could tell the lady was blind because her Guide Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her Throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before Because the pilot approached her, and calling her by Name, said, ‘Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost An hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?’ The blind lady replied, ‘No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.’ Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill When they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane With a Guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered.. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines! True story... Have a great day and remember... ...THINGS AREN’T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

Bimbo is 6 months old, he is medium

size dog and very friendly. He is vaccinated, good with other dogs and cats and is house-trained. Call: 659 274 573 . is a 6 month cat is in need of a loving new home as she is still living on the streets. She is ginger and white with beautiful amber eyes, she is very friendly and seems to get on with other cats, she is desperate for human contact and a loving lap to curl up on. Call: 660 832 360 . To view more animals for adoption go to

Candy

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Roaming around this old town Dave Bull resisted the urge to do it as the Romans did all those years ago and left his sandals at home for a visit to LA Romana

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‘Very welcoming and truly beautiful’ is often how La Romana is described and so it’s no real surprise to find that it has become increasingly popular with foreigners looking for somewhere traditionally Spanish, yet open to modern ideas. The village itself is an international mix of businesses and residents with Spanish and British bars an English supermarket, bakers, butchers, hardware, furniture and electrical shops and if that’s not enough ways to spend your money, well there’s also an excellent Saturday market for fresh fruit and vegetables. With around 2000 residents year round, La Romana (which translates to, surprise, surprise, “The Roman One”) is sits beneath the sierra del Reclot mountains in a valley and when you go, stick your nose in the air and have a sniff would you? You’ll notice that you’re surrounded by air rich in the scent of grapes from the lush vineyards blended with the aroma of the nearby almond and olive groves.” La Romana, like its neighbour, Pinoso is traditionally an agricultural place but don’t let that give you the impression that it’s behind the times as in addition to two chemists, the village has its own surgery and doctor, and in nearby Novelda there is a 24-hour clinic with the main hospital in Elda (just 20 minutes away). Local Spanish are very up to date and understand the need for successful integration and acceptance of other cultures, and in La Romana the locals have embraced the large number or permanent residents from other countries who now call La Romana home. Spanish and foreign residents interact on the streets of this quaint rural town, all enjoying the warm climate and the alfresco dinning which I haven’t even mentioned yet... “Uvas de Mesa Aledo”, is a variety of eating grape sought by exporters for tables across the whole of Europe and its only available locally. You may well have tried some or even the local wine from the supermarket chains in the UK who import wine from La Romana vineyards to sell at a healthy profit. But you, being a local, (even if it’s only for the day) can enjoy the benefit (and headache later) of purchasing direct from the Bodegas for as little as 60 cents per litre, not bad eh? If you can get to the towns fiestas each August it is an amazing event which the villagers take a whole year to prepare for and in September the Mayor gives a thank-you to all the towns- people for their work in the vineyards with free Paella in the Park followed by a party. If you like the outdoors the La Romana has a fair bit too offer on that score too with plenty of beautiful walks and cycling tracks, and several horse riding stables nearby. Artists and writers often visit the area for the tranquillity it offers and that -getting away from it- feeling can be really experienced amongst the valleys and mountains. Not far away are the bigger towns of Novelda and Aspe where large supermarkets and shops can be found if absolutely necessary and the city of Elche is just 20 minutes down the road and offers plenty to explore.

ALL ABROAD! - all our own ideas.

TEL. 606 540 408

...We still wear sandals Alicante is only 30 minutes if you feel the need to go clubbing or just a stroll through its old streets.

PINOSO

For those looking for the real Spain and an idea of true Spanish rural life, Pinoso has that and more. Pinoso, which is also known as Pinos, is tucked away amongst mountains on the Murcia/Valencia border sitting 450 metres above sea level. The stark landscape of the region offers a contrast between the green pine groves of the Sierra del Coto and the white soil of the vineyards...

Whereas the town of Pinoso used to be a fairly modest place in terms of income with agriculture being its main employer, these days with the arrival of foreigners to live in and around the small town it is a relatively prosperous place with all the modern amenities you-d expect, including a medical centre and modern schools. For those with a thirst (and let-s face it, we-re always thirsty out here!) there is a good variety of restaurants and bars British, Spanish or other (good Indian restaurants are not far too). The large sports centre which sits at the entrance (or exit) to town boasts outdoor and indoor swimming pools, tennis courts, football pitches and a gymnasium. But for those, like me, who prefer to look at beauty rather than try and make it by getting fit, there is always the escape to the hills surrounding La Romana. Just a short distance from town the local council have encouraged visitors by providing landscaped and picturesque picnic areas with static barbecues, seating areas and running water, tucked away amongst the pine

forests but with good access. The famous Pinoso vineyards produce highly rated red wines from the Monastrell grape and Ros-, White and Fondill-n desert wines are also produced and form part of the -denominaci-n de origin- wine area of Alicante. If you want to experience some fun and real tradition the August is the month for you with the local fiestas running the 1st to 10th and recommended by visitors as -not to be missed.Not far away is the spa town of Fortuna with its hot springs, swimming pools, steam rooms and massage facilities, another great place for a day (or even a few days) break and Alicante is less than 45 minutes by road.

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fruits and veggies. Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least an hour a day.. Go for a swim.. Take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can. Get plenty of rest. OR Take the doctor's approach.. Think about it... When you go for a flu shot, what do they do first? They Clean

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Christmas in Spain, technically falls twice. You have the traditional Christmas on the 24th/25th December and the Three Kings in January. For most Spaniards, there are three main stages to Christmas, starting with Christmas Eve (Nochebuena) which is very much a family affair. The evening may start at home but often ends up with a party in a hotel, club or disco with friends and family. It is likely that every generation of the family is represented. The party will go on all night. Cava (a fizzy chanpagne) is the most popular drink at Christmas with millions of bottles being sold. The family Christmas Eve meal is one of the most important meals of the year for a Spanish family and the housewife will be busy preparing the traditional fare for most of the day. It will consist of many courses of fish and meat.

Nativity displays (Belens)

Every town and most churches will have a ‘belen’ which is a nativity display. Some of them are very impressive and can cover massive areas. Some are animated and illuminated and draw huge crowds. Christmas Day (December 25th) This is a fiesta day in much of Spain, so all banks and shops are closed, probably to recover from the night before. Christmas Day in Spain is one of the quietest of the year. Anyone wanting to eat out on this special day will have to book well in advance.

The Three Kings

The next important day is the 6th January or Three Kings Day (Los Reyes). This is the day that the Three Kings arrived in Bethlehem, it is also the most important day for the children as the Three Kings in effect replace Father Christmas for Spanish children (although Santa is becoming popular). They arrive overnight on the 5th January, traditionally riding horses but often arrive by boat or even helicopter. The Kings will leave presents for the children during the night. Parents encourage children to write to the Three Kings with their gift requests. Every town and city in Spain will have a procession on the night of 5th January where tons of sweets will be thrown from the passing floats, much to the joy of the children (and adults). We visited Malaga to watch the Three Kings arrive by boat and Fuengirola where they arrived in a helicopter (2011). They were then part of a procession of hundreds of decorated floats that weaved their way through the city, well into the night. Most of Malaga turned out to watch them. The whole event is covered live on the local television. The atmosphere is electric. Through all our travels of Spain, we have yet to see a fiesta with such enthusiasm. On the morning of the 6th January you can only imagine the excitement of the children as they rip open their gifts. The three Kings are: Gaspar has brown hair and a brown beard (or no beard!) and wears a green cloak and a gold crown with green jewels on it. He is the King of Sheba. Gaspar represents the Frankincense brought to Jesus. Melchior has long white hair and a white beard and wears a gold cloak. He is the King of Arabia. Melchior represents the Gold brought to Jesus. Balthazar has black skin and a black beard (or no beard!) and wears a purple cloak. He is the King of Tarse and Egypt. Balthazar represents the gift of Myrrh that was brought to Jesus. Myrrh is a perfume that is put on dead bodies to make them smell nice.

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El Gordo (the fat one) is the common name for the Spanish Christmas lottery. Drawn each year just before Christmas, on the 22nd December, it has the largest prize fund of any lottery in the world and some really annoying kids... Whilst Spain spends more per head on gambling than anywhere else in the world it is not because they are habitual gamblers but simply that the Christmas lottery is a tradition in which the whole nation partakes. Tickets Each ticket comes with a religious Christmas scene that is changed every year. A short description of the event follows and collecting losing lottery tickets is actually a hobby in Spain. Unlike many modern lotteries in which you choose numbers and hope to match 3, 4 or 5 numbers, El Gordo is still run along the lines of a traditional raffle in which you buy a ticket with a number already printed. Match the number on the ticket to that drawn and you win 1st prize... sounds simple? In actual fact it’s not, surprised? To start with there are 85,000 different numbers and you do not buy a ticket rather a tenth of a ticket - told you it wasn’t simple, however have a look at the list below. There are: 85,000 numbers from 00001 to 85000 Each number is given to 180 “Series” Each “Serie” is divided into 10 “Decimas” Each “decima” costs €20 Becoming a little clearer now? Altogether this brings in a total El Gordo prize fund of 3,060,000,000€, that’s over 3BILLION Euros! El Gordo prizes! With over €3 billion in the pot there’s a lot of money available for prizes... Well not exactly as like any good government the Spanish government takes 30% for themselves! This leaves “just” €2.142 Billion for prizes. A lot of money for prizes but then El Gordo has

a lot of prizes... 13,334 different prizes to be exact! Again a quick list is easier to explain than a narrative: 1st Prize - €3,000,000 per “serie” (€300,000 per “decima” applies to all) 2nd Prize - €1,000,000 3rd Prize - €500,000 TWO 4th Prizes - €200,000 EIGHT 5th Prizes - €50,000 1,774 6th prizes of €1,000 That’s the “Principal prizes” out of the way but there are also a whole host of secondary prizes on offer: 2 x €20,000 for the numbers either side of the 1st prize 2 x €12,500 for the numbers either side of the 2nd prize 2 x €9,600 for the numbers either side of the 2nd prize 99 x €1,000 for the numbers with the 1st three numbers that match the 1st prize 99 x €1,000 for the numbers with the 1st three numbers that match the 2nd prize 99 x €1,000 for the numbers with the 1st three numbers that match the 3rd prize 198 x €1,000 for the numbers with the 1st three numbers that match the 4th prizes 849 x €1,000 for the numbers with the last two numbers that match the 1st prize 849 x €1,000 for the numbers with the last two numbers that match the 2nd prize 849 x €1,000 for the numbers with the last two numbers that match the 3rd prize 8499 x €200 for the numbers with the last number that match the 1st prize

balls representing the prizes. Over the course of the morning prizes and their corresponding numbers are drawn. By this means the tension lasts longer as the 1st prize, el Gordo, is not necessarily the 1st number drawn. The culture From around mid-September onwards, when the 1st el Gordo tickets go on sale, clubs, societies, bars, offices and factories choose a number. This number will be purchased by everyone belonging to that organisation. The reasoning being that everyone can share in the joy or anguish that the 22nd December brings. With €20 being a large amount, and as a means to raise funds, many organisations produce parts of “decimas”. For example a charitable organisation will sell tickets at €2.50 in which €2 goes to the cost of the “decima” and €0.50 to the charity. Other organisations such as Unions and Bars will sell the tickets at €2.50 and not cover a donation. oh...and good luck! (and if you win - i’ll be your friend...)

The Draw On the morning of the 22nd of December each year Spain pretty much comes to a halt and the normal noise and chatter is replaced by the sound of children singing... Why? It is one of the strange traditions that each year children from a junior school are invited to “sing” the numbers as they are drawn. El Gordo is drawn from two very large spherical cages. In one a ball for each number from 00001 - 85,000 is placed and in the other 1,787

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It seems to me that Spanish children have got it easy. Favoured with elastic bedtimes, fiestas, Father Christmas as well as the Three Kings they are also blessed with what must be one of the easiest languages to learn to read. My son is working his way through his first Spanish reading book. It’s so easy. He can sound out the letters one at a time and they actually sound like a word. OK, the book itself might be rather uninspiring and I’ve yet to spot the story but he is able to sound out the letters on the page and READ. Contrast this with his English book. As a teacher I’m well aware of the importance of keeping his English skills going as well as his Spanish if he is to be truly bilingual. But, boy is it tough going. Carol Vorderman might be smiling blissfully from the front of this ‘KS1 English made Easy’ practice book, but I’m not and neither is my son. In fact he is completely bemused and baffled as I try to explain, “Now, the ‘o’ sounds can be made by ‘oa’ as in ‘boat’ or ‘o_e’ as in ‘pole’ or ‘ow’ as in ‘row’. Got that?” No. And come to think of it, I’m not sure I have either. Why on earth must it be so com-

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plicated? Learning to read English requires a suspension of logic and the ability to cope with any number of variations that transfuse a language that refuses to do as it’s told! (or should that be towld or toald or toled?). The coalition government at the moment is keen on making international comparisons. But it hardly seems fair to compare us internationally when the tools we are working with are in no way comparable. It’s no wonder that it takes children learning to read in English a little longer. In fact, I’m surprised that anyone ever masters it at all!

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHs A teacher asks her class, ‘If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?’ She calls on little Ralphy. He replies, ‘None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.’ The teacher replies, ‘The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.’ Then little RALPHY says, ‘I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?’ The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ‘Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.’ To which Little RALPHY replied, ‘The correct answer is ‘the one with the wed-

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ding ring on,’ but I like your thinking.’

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHs (Part 2) Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. ‘Why?’ asks the father? ‘The teacher asked ‘How much is 2x3,’’ I said ‘6’, replies RALPHY.

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1. Carry with difficulty 6. Get out! 10. Chances 14. St. __ Girl (German beer) 15. Canal 16. Nota ___ 17. The A in E.A.P. 18. Buster, perhaps 19. Part of Veni, vidi, vici 20. Imitating Little Bo-Peep 23. Asp has one 24. __ roll 25. In and of __ 28. Lao __, father of Taoism 29. God in Gaul 31. Norma __ (Field movie) 32. Spend a night 35. Transportation sector 37. Abu __ 39. Imitating RinTinTin 42. Bury 43. Wing-like 44. “September ___”, Diamond song 45. Street equipment? 46. Fashion designer, Michael 48. Western hemisphere grp. 50. __-sack 52. United 53. What Bo-peep wants to hear 56. Imitating Mr. Ed 60. Disagreeable person 62. Hands-on item 63. Lavigne 64. Round up leaves 65. French 101 verb 66. Present or past, e.g. 67. It could be gray 68. Butters 69. Often used key

Down

1. “The final frontier” 2. Signs of sainthood 3. Humdingers 4. Panache 5. Piebald ponies 6. Medicinal shrub 7. Steep rugged cliff 8. Affected manners 9. The IT guy 10. Off-Broadway awards 11. Eagles hit 12. Incriminating evidence, perhaps 13. Baste 21. Deal with ashes 22. Classical work 26. It happens every birthday 27. Play possum 28. Moppet 29. Deli offering 30. Russian figure skater, Klimkin 32. Tail sound 33. Big toy maker 34. Edible thistle 36. Lab medium 38. Certain cuts 40. Annoying one 41. Swedish money 47. Creature often eaten raw 49. Open the window, maybe 51. Divided nation 52. Looks for bikinis 53. Ripped off 54. Seeds in a salad dressing 55. “The War of the Roses” author, Warren 57. A bit 58. “Cheers” regular 59. Hot spot 60. Feminists burned it, maybe 61. Kind of propeller

3. A magic wish-granting rectangular belt always shrinks to 1/2 its length and 1/3 its width whenever its owner makes a wish. After three wishes, the surface area of the belt’s front side was 4 cm2. What was the original length, if the original width was 9 cm? 4. Four angels sat on the Christmas tree amidst other ornaments. Two had blue halos and two – yellow. However, none of them could see above his head. Angel A sat on the top branch and could see the angels B and C, who sat below him. Angel B, could see angel C who sat on the lower branch. And angel D stood at the base of the tree obscured from view by a thicket of branches, so no one could see him and he could not see anyone either. Which one of them could be the first to guess the color of his halo and speak it out loud for all other angels to hear?

Answers:

Across

1.Twins - solution The two babies are two of a set of triplets.

1. Londoner, e.g. 2. Charge 3. Suit to __ 4. Site of Bowie’s last stand 5. Worrywart’s words 6. Dog on “Frasier” 7. Decree 8. Nickname of author who penned “The Old Man and the Sea” (1951) 9. Rum cocktail 10. Show off a flag 11. Falco of “The Sopranos” 12. Connecting point 13. Soon, old style 21. Common suffix 22. Israeli desert 25. Umknown, abbrev. 26. Dough 27. Island nation in the Pacific 28. Biscuit that turned 39 in 1951 29. Some Sony products 30. They’re adored 31. __ Meenie (Bieber song) 33. Bridle part 34. Math subj. 37. Lives 38. Extended family 39. It may be under your thumb 44. Big car mfg. 45. 7-Eleven, e.g., briefly 46. Sound of surprise 48. __-ground missile 49. Curl one’s lip 50. Superhero accessory 51. Not worth ____ (valueless) 52. Deuce topper 53. Coarse file 54. Gossip columnisy Barrett 55. Yin’s opposite 56. Flight data, briefly

2. One-Way Street - solution She was walking.

Down

2. A girl who was just learning to drive went down a one-way street in the wrong direction, but didn’t break the law. How come?

3. Belt - solution The original length of belt was 96 cm

D? all BORED? all BORED? all BORED? all BORED?

Riddles - Answers below 1.Two girls are born to the same mother, on the same day, at the same time (Edit: of course, not both at once - one right after the other - you know what I mean ), in the same month and year and yet they’re not twins. How can this be?

4. Christmas Tree - solution There are 2 possible solutions:

1. Sitter’s headache 5. Profound 9. Spanish mistress 14. Baby ___ 15. Old Icelandic literary work 16. Off __ (periodically) 17. “Aha!” 18. Take __ (swim) 19. Don’t mind __ (yes) 20. 1951 Bogart/Hepburn Oscar winner 23. Director Sidney 24. Part of E.U.: Abbr. 25. Skewer 28. Beautiful Girl author, Elisabeth 32. Linguist Chomsky 33. Harder to find 35. Citrus drink 36. Box that debutted in 1951 40. Wave in Juarez 41. “Either it goes __ (ultimatum) 42. __-sci 43. Polynesian painter 45. Hunt in France 47. Classic British sports car 48. Org. 50. 1951 novel that introduced Holden Caulfield (with “The”) 57. Big dos 58. Martian prefix 59. “African Queen”, for example 60. __ imports (home furnishings chain) 61. End for a gang or mob 62. “___ Karenina” 63. Pharaoh’s land 64. Peruse carefully 65. Poverty’s wardrobe

You know you’re getting old when... ...a doctor, not a policeman, tells you to slow down. and remember...everyone has a photographic memory. Some of us just don’t have film.

1. if angels B and C had aureole of the same color, then angel A must have immediately said his own color (other then theirs), 2. if angels B and C had different colors, then angel A must have been silent and that would have been a signal for angel B, who could know (looking at angel C) what his own color is (the other one then C had).

Across

Word riddle

RED? all BORED? all BORED? all BORED? all BORED? all

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‘aving a laugh...?! A dysle xic m an walk s into a bra

With a lim

ited THE PORCH inventory A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. “Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch” he said. “How much will you charge me?” Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about £50?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?” “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?” he responded. The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.” A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already??” the startled husband asked. “Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it to her along with a £10 tip. “Thank you,” the blonde said, “And, by the way, it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.” invisible woman. n invisible man marries an k at either loo The kids were nothing to It’s sad when a spider can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can SOMETIME S TOO Two friends are fishing near a MUCH TO D RINK ISN’T bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two ENOUGH. Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says,” Dave, that’s one of the nicest most respectful things I’ve ever seen “Dave replies,” Well we were married for nearly 20 years “

lls Suicidal twin ki ! ke ta is m by sister

Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty department. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was...

tomania, I have klep , it gets bad But when r it. fo g in th e I take som

I may be schizophrenic, But at least I have each other. In Memoriam With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Cokey”, died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

DejaMoo: The feel ing that you’ve heard this bull Heaven is Where: The Police are British, The Chefs are Italian, The Mechanics are German, The Lovers are French and It’s all organized by the Swiss. Hell is Where: The Police are German, The Chefs are British, The Mechanics are French, The Lovers are Swiss and It’s all organized by the Italians.

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my shortterm memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

RULES OF LIFE 1 Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 2 The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list. 3. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong. (I have to remember this one) 4 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 5 War does not determine who is right - only who is left. *** 6 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 7 Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t. 8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; To steal from many is research. 9 A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. 10 Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent

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‘aving a laugh...?!

“OLD” IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

An expat in Spain goes into a restaurant and orders the house special. The meal is absolutely delicious, so he asks the waiter what it is. “The ball are a bulls testicles”, says the waiter, “cooked in a special sauce after the animal has died at the local bull fight.” The expat returns to Spain the next year on his holidays and goes to the restaurant to order the fantastic dish again. After he’s eaten he asks the waiter why the balls are so small this time. “Well” says the waiter, “sometimes the bull wins

xy babe catches your "OLD" IS WHEN. A se r opens the garage eye and your pacemake door.

Subject: What Is A 710? A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, ‘What is a seven-hundred-ten?’ She replied, ‘You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.’ She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked, ‘Is there a 710 on this car?’ She pointed and said, ‘Of course, its right there.’ The mechanic fainted. If you’re not sure what a 710 is...check under the bonnet! ter”

“all-nigh “OLD” IS WHEN..... An wee means not getting up to

“OLD” IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Choose one, I can’t do both!”

S OF R STAGE THE FOU LIFE: anta lieve in S 1) You be Claus. e in n’t believ 2) You do . us Santa Cla anta Claus. S re 3) You a like Santa k o lo u 4) Yo Claus. SUCCESS: At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants. At age 12 success is . .. . Having friends. At age 17 success is . .. Having a driver’s licence. At age 35 success is .. .. .... ..having money. At age 50 success is .. . . Having money.... At age 70 success is .. .. .. Having a drivers license. At age 75 success is . .... . Having friends. At age 80 success is . .. .. Not piddling in your pants.

LE OVER 50 EXERCISE FOR PEOP a comfortable on Begin by standing ve plenty of ha u yo surface, where room at each side. g in each hand, With a 5-lb potato ba aight out from str s extend your arm them there as your sides and hold to reach a full long as you can. Try . ax rel n minute, and the t you can tha d fin l u’l yo Each day t a bit longjus hold this position for s, move up ek we of er. After a couple . to 10-lb potato bags bags and then o tat po -lb 50 try Then where you to t eventually try to ge g in each ba o tat po b can lift a 100-l s arm straight hand and hold your nute. (I’m at mi l for more than a ful this level.) nt at that After you feel confide ch bag. ea level, put a potato in “OLD” IS WHEN...... You are cautioned to slow down by.... The doctor instead of by the police.

HOW PEOPLE THINK...

Analysis of the above picture can tell us a lot about how different people think. - For young men, it’s a picture of a lady with a nice arse but only the most observant will notice that she is crossing a street. - The really observant will notice that she is wearing a thong. - For older men, she appears to be a respectable woman with a nice arse - on her way to work. - The perverts among them will imagine her naked. - Wiser men will ponder the presence of mind of the Photographer to take the shot in the face of such beauty and be grateful that they shared it with humanity. - For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way. - The other half will think she is a slut but wonder where she bought that blouse. - Older women will imagine the misery that the woman’s arse will cause by the time she reaches 50. - But only children, the extremely intelligent and the celibate will notice that the taxi is being driven by a dog.

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