All Abroad August 2012

2/

Aug 2012 issue number 13

or

www.allabroad.es

! ee fr

6”

All Abroad Expats in Spain present:

The story of LIFE IN SPAIN... and other stuff!

Steve Haynes

Mr Grumpy

The ´Abogados¨

The Sheriff

Michael Saliba

Andrea Burns Mystic Monkey

Dave Bull and more!

nia e Z a L o t t n a c la A n a r st from G a o c e h t : R E V O L L A G nd! o y e b NOW SHOWIN d n a n o d n o H , o s el to Pino u ig M n a S o t m o r f d n & inla

Photo: Los Arenales Beach, Alicante

THE TARDES... ...and THE DOCTOR

BULLY JOINS THE Yup, I am very pleased to announce that I shall be represent-

I´ve been chatting ot some confused spanish

Elysse -winning something! John Terry, it ap ap-

people this month who cannot work out where

pears, is just mis-understood…a bit like say say-

and when morning/evening/afternoon startand

ing ´50 shades of Grey´ is a light romp and I

Life carries on as normal for All

end for Brits. It´s simple, as I explained we do it

discovered the amazing (and worrying) fact that

Abroad Magazine but I’ve taken

by the clock (pretty much) – morning is up until

Spain has (pro-rata) 6 times the amount of

midday wher we start the afternoon and after

politicians as Germany (who, by the way, can af-

about 6pm we´re into the british evening.

ford them) plus over two thousand regional poli-

Now, highly unsurprisingly, your spanish day

ticians and, the best for last folks, over 74,000

revolves around food. Morning or ´Buenos

councillors and mayors!

with the team at Coastrider

dias´can be said until lunch is eaten (so pos-

Now…if just a small portion of those council-

for two reasons. 1. They carry

sibly any time up until 4 or even 4.30pm) and

lors/mayors (without mentioning Señor Camps

then similarly the afternonn continues on until

and his 50,00€ worth of ´free´suits) were to

the evening meal has been muched and we are

say, be dipping their hand in the till – that´s

then allowed to call it evening (even though this

an awful lot of spare change dissapearing from

could well be 10pm or later by now).

the towns´ cash drawers. Lucky that doesn´t

woods: Gran Alacant and Santa

It´s a very simple example of the basic differ-

happen…eh?

Pola. (I could add La Marina to

ences betwwen us brits and the spansih – we

And finally, it´s August and it´s gonna be hot

watch the clock and they keep an eye on the

so i´ve taken some medicval advice from the

dinner table, I think I know who´s got it right…

local doctor aboyut how best to deal with it.

I´vce also spent this month explaining why we

Dr Lorenzo advises that we find some shade

call the sea ´choppy´when it´s a little rough

and rest up, preferably with a drinkto keep us

give me a call on 606 540 408 or

– but has nothing to do with a knife, or chop-

hydrated – any drink is fine, water, juice, beer,

contact me on dave@coastrider.

ping and what the phrase, ´burning the candle

cocktails apparently…so have a great month. I

at both ends´ means…although one look at my

should point out that Dr Lorenzo passed on his

sorry face explained iot better than I could have

wisdom late at night while (temporarily) hugging

done, I think.

me before sliding down and coming to a rest on

In a month where us Brits got excited about

the floor where he rested his eyes and dribbled

feel so welcome (I held out for

cycling for the first time and found an unlikely

for a while…

the Jaffa Cakes in all meet-

hero named ´Wiggins´ to cheer on – if only for

ing The Coastrider Newspaper in Gran Alacant and Santa Pola.

the opportunity to join, what I believe, is the top news and publicity team on the Costa.

I´ve had offers from all the other newspapers but I wanted to work

balanced and interesting news RELEVANT to living in Spain and 2. They look after their readers and have the strongest presence by far in my neck of the

that list too).

So…if it´s local news you´d like to get reported or you really need a good value advertising package –that works! -for your business,

net and I’ll be more than happy to come and have a relaxed chat with you.

Good luck, thanks to all the Coastrider team for making me

ings…)

the fact that a Brit was riding up the Champs

l

Dave Bul

BOOK SIGNINGS- at THE CARD PLACE

Dave will be signing copies of his book on expat life this month!

7th August at Benimar and the 10th August at Punta Prima - come along and have a laugh!

ABOGADOS · BARRISTERS SOLICITORS · TAX ADVISORS Any legal problems?

965 480 737 / 606 056 282 info@pellicerheredia.com

contact us on: 96 669 5141 - 606 540 408 - ask@allabroad.es

3

PERFORMANCE & DIESEL CENTRE Motor Engineers of Guardamar and Santa Pola

JAGUAR

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We also carry out pre-ITV inspections and take cars for the actual ITV tests.

Mark, the owner, has more than 25 years experience as an Engineer, and is joined by Technicians Steve, who is a Ford trained Master Technician, and Tom, who is Mercedes trained, so you can be assured you are being served by the best in the area.

The Centre’s reputation is built on expertise and quality of service, and many of its customers are referred by word of mouth recommendations.

The centre opens weekdays from 9am to 6pm (no Siesta) Saturday mornings 10.00am - 2.00 pm.

Find us at C/Ferrers 90, Pol. Ind. Santa Ana, Guardamar

966107606 or 647162821

And now: C/Marineros 41, Pol. Ind. IN-2, Santa Pola

965078505 or 647162821

Or for a friendly chat or any advice you may need, please do not hesitate to give us a call:

www.englishgarage.com info@englishgarage.com

Daily specials served

12.30pm - 2.30pm

T.TIME SPECIAL

Central Bar

The

served 6.30pm - 8pm

Daytime & evening menu

Plaza De La Villa 32, Hondon De Las Nieves Tel. 96 548 0681

ALWAYS AVAILABLE

Menu changed often

YERS DARTS PLA ENTLY URG REQUIRED NOW!!

Register SEE US IN COME AND HONDON setting! in an idyllic THERES...

NTY OF ALWAYS PLE

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FUN AT

AR! CENTRAL B

Fish n Chips

SUNDAY CARVERY

Roast beef, turkey & pork €6.95 Choose a starter or dessert for just €2.00 more Home made soup, pate or tuna salad Home made desserts, Cheesecake, Fruit Crumble, Chocolate cake Reservations recommended

2 DART BOARDS (players wanted for fun knockout nights and possible league players) newly recovered pool table Private function room available upstairs (Seating for 40 plus) Outside covered terrace

4

EVERY FRIDAY 12.30pm - 2.30pm & 6.30pm - 9.00pm lightly battered cod, chips & either mushy or garden peas

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QUIZ NIGHT IS BACK! EVERY WEDNESDAY 8PM

Pre quiz meal €5.00 served 6.15 - 7.45pm

Summer opening hours

Bar Open 10am till late Tuesday - Saturday Sunday 10am till 7pm - Closed Mondays

Tuesday to Saturday Kitchen open: 11.00am - 3.30pm & 6.00pm - 9.30pm

WE DON’T CLAIM ANYTHING MORE THAN TO BE ’ORIGINAL’

QUALIFIED GESTORA

Fiscal help...

Est. 1991

CHANGES TO THE

HEALTH INSURANCE COVER

FOR EU- RESIDENTS

Spanish probate / Inheritances Spanish Wills Conveyancing Notarial deeds Fiscal representation Property taxes Power of attorney

Visit our new webpage for more detailed information: www.andreaburns.es

R

ecently, the Spanish Government has passed

a new law to face a necessary structural reform of the National Health System

prove your income as a pensioner (or other) you will have to obtain a form that certifies your benefits (social security) situation when moving within the EU.

with the fundamental aim to make it more solvent and viable. And the application of

Private sales contracts

the same is to be

Change-over of utility bills

with the utmost

Planning permissions

Spain. Also, it is essential to provide proof of income. In order to

implemented

The form in question is called the S1 (formerly E 106, E 109 and E 121). It is useful for crossbord e r

urgency.

workThe aut o n o m o u s regions have granted health cover in the past without taking into consideration the European legislation regarding insurance matters and this has put at risk the solvency of the national Health System in Spain.

EU-residents are affected by the modifications and those that have applied for a residence certificate recently will have experienced it first hand.

EU-residents are now requested to provide proof of a private health insurance that will cover them in

ers, pensioners and civil servants and their dependants.

The forms are valid if you legally live in an EU country, irrespective of your nationality.

However, every citizen of a EU member state has the right to the residence for a period exceeding three months if he or she is employed or self-employed in Spain, or if he or she has sufficient funds for himself/herself family members to not become a burden to a social assistance in Spain during the period of the stay.

Please

visit

www.andreaburns.es

for more detailed information about our services or call 96 6697824.

Avenida AmĂŠrica, 32, GRAN ALACANT 96 669 7824 OFFICE@ANDREABURNS.ES

- BUT IT’S FLATTERING TO BE COPIED - ALL ABROAD!

5

G.A. BENIDORM BUS

AGENCIA DE VIAJES CV-m86-A

y a d s e n d e W y r e v E & Friday!

1st Trip Friday 22nd June - Last Trip Wed 5th Sept

Ticket Outlets & Benidorm Bus Stops in Gran Alacant 9:15am

STOP Opposite WEBSTERS Sports Bar

Centro

Optica CENTRO OPTICA MON-FRI: 9.30am-13.30 Tickets + 17.30-20.30 Sat 9.30am-13.30

STOP

QUICKSAVE every day: 8.30am til 9pm

Quicksave

TERRA MITICA (Theme Park)

Tickets

Webster´s Tickets WEBSTER SPORTS BAR Mon - Fri 10am - 2:30pm & 7pm - 1am.

Sat & Sun 1pm - Late.

SUENO AZUL

9:20am

CORK & BOTTLE BAR (UPSTAIRS @ CARABASSI) 7 days 1pm - 2am.

Cork n Bottle Tickets Tickets

STOP 9:25am

AQUALA

NDIA (W ater

Sezadu SEZADU CAFE BAR (FORMERLY BAILEYS BAR) 7.30am til late

Park)

Hole in the Wall Tickets HOLE IN THE WALL BAR (MASA SQUARE) 7 days 1pm - 2am.

Consum/LIDL

9:10am

STOP

MUNDOMAR

(Sea World)

RM

BENIDO

6

Beach, T

ket

day Mar

ednes own & W

              

  

‘aving a

laugh...

                             

               

            

The

3-6pm every weekday

SHERRIF´S

GAG

of the month!

The Story of Adam & Eve’s Pets Adam and Eve said, ‘Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now, we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.’

And God said, “I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.”

“Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, ‘Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.’

And God said, ‘I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.’ And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.’

And God said, “I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT ......

To be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased..

And Dog was happy.

And Cat .. . .

Didn’t give a s*** one way or the other.

Our own contributors - experienced for expat info

7

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Compensation from a road traffic accident is also

If you have retired to Spain and stay in the country

exempt from the tax office but again – it’s worth

more than 183 days then you too must declare your

declaring it anyway.

income here and not in the UK. You will also benefit

Anyone receiving unemployment benefit (up to scheme anymore.

from the special International Treaty between Spain

15,000€ - who’s getting that much..?!) is also free

T ABOUT EARLY RETIREES

HE VALENCIA VOLUNTARY SCHEME?

S

But it is very important to clarify that since the

law enacted, thestill authorities have not signed and was the UK. There are an awful lot of people liv-

from deductions.

more someone who wouldinlike ing in agreements Spain but stillso declaring their incomes the UK

How?

which could beby missing out onvolunsaving a to get means health that assistance paying the

Entitlement to health assistance.

Prescriptions: depending on your income (You To make sure you don’t need to pay tax on your

lot of money just because

will let them know you income income, or indeed reduce your bill when at the transferring end of the fi-

they don’t realise that they can do their declaration

nancial year, it’s highly recommended that you speak your pension and going to the INSS).

here and take advantage of the fiscal benefits such

to someone who 10%.If is experienced in the Spanish tax For pensioners your income is: - under

tary scheme must know that it´s not possible anymore.

More changes will probably come in the next

as inheritance tax for residents, or just paying less

months few aspects of the law will be detaxes, foronce example. cided.

Anyway people already paying will get a Why? Obviously Spanish government taxeshapand, letter withthe any important changeneeds that may

system – or you could end up paying more than you

18.000euros/year you have to pay maximum 8 need to!

€/month.

Pedro told me that there are often an array of options

Between 18.000 and 100.000 you´ll pay maxi-

for people to reduce their tax bill (or even pay nothing

if you are receiving an income you need to be legal.

mum €/month. at all) if18 their case is looked at professionally and

Even if you know there will be nothing to pay – you’ll

with an experienced For pay example, someone More than 100.000eye. you´ll maximum 60 who €/

get yourself in the system (which, trust me on this

has their parents living in the same house can have month.

pen, giving them time to face the new situation whatever it would be.

one, only make life easier) so when the day comes

WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR PENSION ONCE that someone (we’ll call him ‘Johnny Foreigner’) BE RETIRED? dies in Spain YOU´LL Johnny’s family will have a simple task

certain funds deducted from their end of year tax bill

*Out of Spain you would have to use the Euroas can anyone who has perhaps had to adapt their

pean Health Insurance Card. house for disabled access.

dealing with the fiscal (the Will etc.) matters than

As ever, with any tax office, things are a little more

someone who has never gone into the system.

For further information, could contact complicated than we’d likeyou but by dealing with our

Exceptions

About Pedro & Ignacio

Office at in 965480737 email us at someone the know itor often works outinfo@pelfar simpler

To keep it simple (remember it’s me writing this…)

(and less expensive) to have someone who knows licerheredia.com

here are some exceptions to the rule of ‘Having to

what they are doing look after those (very) important

The two spent a year at Southampton Institute of international law so it’s no surprise that they speak English so well. Later, having studied law together at Alicante university, Pedro and Ignacio teamed up and formed the highly successful Pellicer & Heredia Solicitors (based in the same building as the British Consulate) and using their understanding of British people have built a firm of three offices (so far) with a fourth opening in Ciudad Quesada very soon –and all the staff speak English, very handy.

1. Transfer your pension to Spain asking the NHS in the UK for the S1 (old E-121).

2. Bring the S1 document to the INSS (Instituto Nacional de remember la Seguridad getearlier it regisdeclare’ but alsoSocial): what I said about

fiscal matters that can often become an expensive

tered (= stamp). there being no harm (only benefits) in getting into the

nightmare in the wrong by hands ours.of the Unidad Information supplied the–chief

system.

3.

Go to your Primary Care Health Centre If you earnde less than de 22,000€ annually (from one em(=Centro Salud Atención Primaria) with

From my own yexperience, theConselleria fee chargedde to Sanimake de Afiliación Validaciónmy declaration was less than Pedro managed to dad.

ployer and are already having tax deducted) or (if you

reduce my tax bill after showing me exactly what I

have incomes from several place) that none of those

could and couldn’t claim and therefore the cost of

the S1 and get a SIP card.

4. You must cancel your voluntary scheme by exceed 1,500€ annually.

doing it properly has cost me nothing…in fact I’ve

sending a fax to Mrs. Paqui Pérez, chief of the If you have received profits from shares or dividends

made a little on the deal, now…do I declare that…?

Unidad de Afiliación Validación - Conselleria de of less than 1,600€ peryyear (this even applies if you

If you have any questions or queries about the

have, for -example, sold a car for a profit privately).

Sanidad Fax: 966 478 324.

upcoming ‘Renta’ and whether indeed you should be

Salaries or incomes below 11,200€ (usually pen-

declaring your income – call either Pedro or Ignacio

sioners) are exempt but remember also that if you

and they’ll put you straight. And the benefit for All

are employed your employer is obliged to deduct a

Abroad readers is that they’ll give you first consulta-

minimum of 15% from your wage packet to withhold

tion free – so what have you got to lose apart from a

person and you won´t need to pay the voluntary for the taxman here in Spain. If that does not happen,

headache from those piles of paper!

Then you´ll have the entitlement as any retired

Their doors are always open – even if you´re not sure if you really need a lawyer – so pop along and see them in Avda de Naciones, Ciudad Quesada – or one of their other local offices.

965 480 737 / 606 056 282 info@pellicerheredia.com

ABOGADOS · BARRISTERS SOLICITORS · TAX ADVISORS Any legal problems?

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Mr Grumpy v

&

Whether using social me-

Why is this, I wonder? – Is it really nec-

dia to network for business

essary to prove to people that you hardly

purposes, or just to keep in

ever speak to that you have successfully

touch with somebody you once borrowed a bottle of Tippex from two decades ago

procreated?

I also think it would be a useful idea for Facebook to have a built in test or some

e h t g n i l l o r r Rr

“rr’s”

When Mrs Grumpy and I first moved to Spain 7 years back, little did we imagine that we would end up living with a hyperactive chainsaw.

Or at least that is what our house sounds

and haven’t seen since, there

kind of mechanism that can judge your

are seemingly as many dif-

degree of sobriety before posting any-

ferent ways to use the plat-

thing. I, for one, know that some of those

form as there are pointless

photographs I posted of me in the late

are making here clearly annunciate each

1980’s with a corkscrew perm are some-

and every word and syllable correctly, and

where out there in cyberspace for all to

as such they must be practising the “rr” one

applications on the site.

see, and will doubtlessly come back to Seriously, if another person “throws a

haunt me when I am rich and famous.

a cocktail” with them, I body.

And what is all this “Branch out” crap that I am inundated with at the moment?

Love them or hate them, it seems that everybody has an opinion about Facebook.

‘Scrabble?’ – You must have waaaaay to much time on your hands (either that or you are in the office and supposed to be working). And what’s wrong with the traditional board game anyway?

And since when was ‘unfriended’ a real word anyway?

spoken rule’ is that anybody with kids has to feature them somewhere in their avatar / profile picture (Guilty as charged...)

– It must be a mandatory requirement somewhere in their terms and conditions.

stage in her education where her teachers

hell of a lot, because that is all she is doing at home at the moment.

My ‘Public Information’

Weetabix (not a pretty sight) she is run-

and ‘Status’: The Mrs

ning up and down the corridor rrrrrolling her

didn’t speak to me for

rrrrrr’s and terrrrorrrrising the dog. In short,

a week when I refused to acknowledge that we ‘were in a relationship’ together. Why?

she is over-emphasising the “rrrrrrrr” in everything she says - English AND Spanish.

I was also wonderrrrrring if this was just some special treatment that the teachers singled out the Brrrrritish kids for, or if the

It was as though I had

kids of other nationalities (Native Spanish

issued

Included) were subjected to this aggressive

divorce

pro-

ceedings without telling her (figuratively speaking, of course, given that we are not married). Why do I need to validate whatever relationship

“rrrrr-ing”?

The frustrating thing here is that her “rr” is clear and perfectly understood, however, she is still struggling to pronounce her “r” in English, and sounds like a slightly smaller

I may or may not have with Facebook

and more effeminate Jonathan Woss when

before it becomes ‘real’? - What if I am

she attempts this (If that is something that

playing the field? – There doesn’t seem to

you can bear imagining ?).

be an option to enter ‘Polygamous’.

Another thing that seems to be the ‘un-

My 4 year old daughter is obviously at the

If she isn’t practising whilst she is eating her

snowball” at me, or “invites me to share am likely punch some-

like over breakfast most mornings.

Rant over. I’m now going to poke somebody and browse like a stalker

I’m left wondering if this is something typical of most British kids being taught in a foreign language at school – i.e. not taught to pronounce an English “R”?

through the profile information of

I also hope she grows out of it before the

people that I barely know...

inevitable Monty Python / Life of Brian jokes begin.

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‘aving a laugh...

A woman checked into a motel on her 40th

MURDER AT TESCO Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a strange, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie.’ Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Tesco Supermar

ket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

‘ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ Tesco

birthday and she was a bit lonely.

She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a coin off his welloiled bum.

She figured, “What the heck, nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call.”

“Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?”

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, “Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one... no, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I’m ready! Now how

is ou call th y e v e li e I do b arka thing a B

does that sound?”

THE 11TH HUSBAND...

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to “Please be gentle; I’m still a Virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been mar married ten times?”

“Well, husband 1 was a Sales Rep Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

“Husband 2 was in Software Serv Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

“Husband 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

“Husband 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

“Husband 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

“Husband 6 was from Administra Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

“Husband 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...

“Husband 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

“Husband 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

“Husband 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it...God I miss him.

“But now that I’ve married you, I’m so excited”.

“Wonderful” but why? asked the husband “You’re a POLITICIAN.

He said, “That sounds absolutely This time I KNOW I’M going to get

fantastic, madam, but you FIRST

screwed.”

need to press 9 for an outside line..”

New Studio Text/Telephone Number 602 592 425 www.realll.webs.com Listen Live - www.realradio.torrevieja24.com or via website Advertising - Call The Sheriff On 637 325 106

contact us on ask@allabroad.es

11

14

Be Original - ALL ABROAD! -TEL. 606 540 408

Pointless Things

ADVICE INFO NEWS TIPS

I consider myself a pretty normal/average kind of person, and on balance I’m guessing that there must

2) Cushions / Candles / Pot Pourri: It

Spanish

drives me insane when I have to rear-

sover-

range the furniture before I can so much

eignty,

as sit down in my own house. This is a

would

‘woman thing’ – right?

but then

that logic

surely have to apply to Spain’s enclaves in North-

ern

Africa as well?

be quite a few of us out

3) Camp TV presenters: No I’m not be-

there.... ( ? )

ing Homophobic; I’m being Mince-o-pho-

9) Turron: Ok, I get it. You have a glut

bic. One’s choice of sexuality means little

of Almonds and Honey - that doesn’t

to me, but I can see no relevance or point

mean you should invent a new sport

in every second TV “Celebrity” being as

whereby you can try and remove your

camp as a row of pink tents at a mardi-

own teeth as quickly as possible by eating

gras (And yes, I’m talking about you;

something indigestible.

Graham Norton, Alan Carr, Dale Winton,

10) Almond biscuits: Oh joy, more

Brian Dowling, Paul O’Grady...)

Almond stuff. I wonder if anyone has ever

However, as time goes on and I am getting gradually older (yet my boyish good looks still seem to linger), my patience and tolerance dwindles and there are seemingly more and more things that I just don’t see the need for. Then again, this could always be just down to me being a miserable bugger.

My tally of ‘pointless things’ about life in

been able to get one of those Christmas4) Sailing / Cycling/ Motorsports: I

almond biscuits anywhere near their

can see the appeal of such a sport when

mouth before it turns to dust.

you are actually participating in it, but as

Spain (and Life in general, I suppose) is

spectator? Seriously, these are all just

11) Horchata: I have worked it out -

by no means limited, and I find myself

modes of transport - what next? - ‘Bus

the preference for tiles in almost every

subconsciously adding to this list in my

Catching?’

Spanish home means that Polycell in

head

5) Non Alcoholic Beer: I think this one

Spain have to find another outlet for their

speaks for itself.

wallpaper paste.

6) Smileys / Emoticons and Abbrevia-

12) Fireworks : Ok, I’m not adverse to a

tions on Texts: Either pick up the phone

few fireworks at the odd fiesta, but when

and Speak to your friend like in ‘Ye Olden

Spain is entering its 5th year of financial

dayes’, or don’t be lazy and type your

crisis I can’t really see the benefit in each

message in full. I spent 7 long years at

two-donkey village have a couple of lav-

Grammar School and feel particularly ag-

ish displays every year.

grieved when I receive a “lol”.

There are bound to be a few more that I

on an almost daily basis: 1) Champagne: Does anyone who drinks Champagne on a regular basis actually like it, or are they either A) Pretentious or B) In possession of more money than sense? Especially when you can buy a bottle of Spanish Cava from Mercadona at 2 Euros a bottle and not tell the difference.

have forgotten, but I’m sure I can pontifi7) Wine that costs more than 2 Euros

cate about them at a later date

a bottle / 5 Euros a bottle in a restaurant: Come on, the snob in all of us hopes that out host / guest will be able to notice and appreciate the difference that we ourselves can’t.

8) Gibraltar: Not the place - the arguments that it causes. Let the people who live there decide who should govern them. I can understand Spain claiming that Gibraltar is geographically part of Spain and should therefore fall under

15

16

YOUR COMPUTER

All you need to know about PC´s

Got a question? Ask Steve at ask@allabroad.es with Steve Haynes of Mike Cavender of Torrevieja wrote in this month asking:

Silver Surfers are doing their shopping online

women,

with

males

sites as – if not more – important as

forking out an average

their physical stores to cater to this

onof £127.93 on the web each month on

group, and should be developing sites

line, compared to the £105.42 spent

that are easier for these older people

online by women.

to navigate – for example, by having

More than six in ten said they shop

large-text options and obvious navi-

online because it’s convenient while

gational markers.”

over half (53 percent) also said you

Silver surfers are the UK’s biggest online shoppers with 86 percent regularly purchasing goods on the web, says Research by the developer of website design software revealed that more

get better value for money on the web.

“When it comes to the UK retail environment, the majority of stories are

FACEBOOK GETTING MORE POPULAR WITH SILVER SURFERS Oldies scaring off the youngsters from Facebook

all doom and gloom about local and

A study this week suggests that while Facebook is growing in popularity, its users are getting older.

than a third (36 percent) do the majority of their shopping online, rather than on the high street, with six percent predicting all of their purchases will be made on the web in the future. Meanwhile, those aged 25 to 34 are least likely to shop online, with 13 percent of this age group saying they never buy goods on the internet.

On average, Brits spend 2.4 hours a week shopping online compared to 1.2 hours spent browsing on the high street. More than one in ten (12 percent) claim they spend more than five hours a week shopping online but just two percent say they spend this much time on the high-street. However, while the average time spent browsing is higher online compared to the high-street, the average spend isn’t.

Basekit says just £116 is spent online per person per month compared to £126 on the high street.

Men are bigger online spenders than

national stores struggling to keep

A report released by iStrategyLabs show that while the number of Facebook’s US high school and college-age users declined over the past six months, its popularity among the 55-and-older crowd is booming. In fact, the number of 55-and-older Facebook users showed staggering growth - 513.7 percent - in the past six months, the digital consulting firm said.

afloat during these difficult financial times. However, our research shows that Brits are still keen shoppers with people spending many hours a week shopping,” said Chris Winstanley, VP, Marketing, Basekit.com.

“Brits are increasingly taking that shopping behaviour online, and it’s not just young people. With silver surfers now the UK’s biggest online shoppers,

This isn’t a new phenomenon for Facebook.

In March, Hitwise reported that the social network’s audience of people over the ripe old age of 35 increased by 23 percent in February compared with the same month last year. While Facebook was first launched to serve college students in the States, over the past year or so the network has expanded to include many middle-aged people.

retail outlets must consider their web-

For more help and advice call in and see us or contact us using the details below: contact Steve direct on info@iber-tech.com or 96 671 8705

ALL ABROAD! - original ideas...

17

GET QUO A TE 18

ALL ABROAD! - all our own ideas.

TEL. 606 540 408

SUPPORTING EXPATS Mark Phoenix Murphy

FREE Screening for People Who Have …

PROBLEMS WITH ANXIETY, STRESS PANIC ATTACKS OR PHOBIAS! The trials and tribulations that push us through life, have a ten-

thoughts. Any one of those symptoms can make life hard and

dency to stay with us for the duration. History has its own pecu-

if you believe you’re suffering with one or more of them, then

liar way of ensuring we never forget, until in some cases it can

Mark Phoenix Murphy, Dhp MIAPH MNRAH is there to help.

damage the present. Life is too short to be merely surviving and living day to day, we need to enjoy it the to max and if at times,

The local hypnotherapist and psychotherapist will be conduct-

we need a helping hand, then there’s no harm in that, is there?

ing free screenings at his clinics in VIllamartin, Javea, Albir and Camposol. A screening takes around thirty minutes, during the

Thousands of people in the UK and Spain, will suffer from anxi-

process, you’ll be able to talk freely with Mark, knowing that

ety disorders at some point in their lives and in over 70% of

you are participating in a a private and confidential discussion,

those cases, the disorder will remain untreated. Symptoms of

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an anxiety dis-

and in a relaxed and safe, registered clinic.

order

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sleep-

lessness,

excessive

Mark’s enthusiasm about his participation in this programme is

worry,

fatigue,

obvious, “The statistics are shocking; there are people out there

panicky feelings,

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irritability,

dif-

where to go and don’t believe effective treatment is available.

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These free screenings educate the community and let sufferers

centrating,

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racing

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heart,

Within 12 sessions, we typically see excellent results. It’s no

tension

quick fix, we aim to go to the root cause to ease a person’s

fear of a

anxiety.”

partic-

Mark has been treating people with anxiety disorders for many years and is perpetually training to ensure that he’s kept upto-date with the latest techniques. “Quite a few people, who attend these free screenings are or have already had some kind of treatment, but they’re not satisfied with their progress or are just looking for a second opinion. The beauty of a free screening is that those thirty minutes can educate people about alternative treatment. If they’ve gone down one path, are unhappy with the results, this can open their eyes and let them know that there are other options out there for them,” he continues, “It’s actually rather upsetting when you consider how many people just put up with anxiety disorders. That’s no way to go through life. In a few sessions, I can help them to conquer their problems; which is why I became what I am. Why

ular object or tion,

should anyone suffer needlessly when it’s totally unnecessary?”

situaand

As you can imagine, these appointments are filling quick-

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ly, so phone Mark today on

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unwanted

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AUGUST 2012

with

Who am i..?

Hugging has rarely been worse starred with problems of accoutrement inter lockage which may prevent swift disengagement any time soon - watch those dangly necklaces in particular - Saturn suggests you dress all month as if hugging Russell Brand is imminent.

1950s fashions are well starred this month, especially clothing that women wore in Alfred Hitchcock movies, particularly the glamorous gloves with which they would point to things that could be a clue or might not be.

You had better heed his comments as it’s Fathers Day in the USA and UK this month, Australians and New Zealanders can say what they want Father’s Day there isn’t until September 2nd this year and will be under a different planetary aspect.

Power ballads, upbeat (but without violins) country music, and slow rock music are your lucky music’s this month, and until a solar storm forces you to change radio channels later in the year.

The last half hour of weddings is your lucky social period all month - it was the last 45 minutes all of last year and the first part of this.

Your destiny is like a performing seal who is nicely full with fish but is prepared to jump through the hoop one more time for his public.

Gifts with bows continue to be mediumly starred, especially at the 15% unwrapped stage where paper cuts are still a very real danger and yet using scissors seems over kill and they are not readily available anyway in those exciting moments immediately after being given a nicely wrapped gift like that...

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Low budget documentaries (exclusive to the internet) will be your preferred source of views on most subject this month especially on religious subjects and eating mushrooms.

Bargain bin documentaries under [put your earth currency here] 1.56 are also well starred.

Board games - the actual physical board-and-counters kind and any computer simulations - are well starred this month as EA Sports begins a new sponsorship deal with Planet Mars from 16th of the month.

Benidorm to Almeria + 45km radius inland

Nodding off to sleep in trains, busses and planes are well starred this month, including for all pilots and drivers of said vehicles especially during dusk on the 19th-23rd of the month.

You will decide to vote NO in some kind of referendum or other vote this month, even though the planets are determined to influence you otherwise. Be alert to repeated pencil breakages/loss, butterfly ballot (including actual butterflies) type incidents or frozen screens / Space Invader type games on electronic voting systems.

“There’s no such thing as a free lunch”, “You get what you pay for” and “Never bungee jump on a full stomach” are your planetary inspired agony column type tips and tricks this month.

Michael Saliba

eltatts@hotmail.co.uk Tel. 965 071 220 - 666 907 456 www.dmfplumbing.com

My name is Michael Saliba. I’ve been an avid fan of Premier League Football, and admittedly in particular Chelsea, over the last ten or so years. I’ve been watching every ‘Match of the Day’ and like many of us football fans, I complain and shout and scream at my TV often when the football’s on.

I was born in Plymouth in England, but I moved to Alicante at a very young age. The Spanish got me into football, and from there I chose Chelsea. Still, I am passionate about the Premier League as a whole, and I find the Relegation Battle just as fun to know about and watch as the Title Race.

I will be bringing monthly updates on the Premier League. I’ll offer my thoughts and predictions about the games throughout the season and any of the brilliant moments that the Premier League never fails to throw up.

August update

So pre-season has started and I’m excited. It’s the time for us to have a quick peek at some of the new signings and at some of the teams.

Let’s start off with the Premier League Champions, Manchester City. They’ve had a mixed pre-season consisting of a loss, a draw and a win. It’s all just pre-season, though, and that must be remembered.

After years of spending vast amounts of money, they haven’t signed anybody… yet! There’s one name on the end of everyone’s tongue right now.

Robin Van Persie: 48 appearances and 37 goals. The Arsenal striker has just one year left on his contract.

As I’m writing this, City, United and Juventus have lodged bids for the Dutchman. It’s hard to understand exactly what’s going on there. Personally, I see him leaving for Juventus. I don’t see Wenger selling to his rivals (again!). Juventus seem to be an outfit that he would fit in best with. They need a striker. After all, would ‘RVP’ want competition from the likes of Balotelli and Aguero, or Rooney and Welbeck? No, and that’s why Juventus will get him.

Now, to the Champions League holders, Chelsea, who have had a busy summer already. With the 32million pound signing of Hazard, plus the signing of Marin, it looks like Roman Abramovich wants to retain his Champions League. Hazard and Marin showed skill in their first matches, admittedly, only in pre-season friendlies.

Meanwhile, Manchester United has signed midfielder Kagawa. He was a stand-out performer in Borussia Dortmund’s success last season, and United fans will be hoping that he can repeat his achievements again to take back the title.

Elsewhere, you have Arsenal with good signings to add to their squad. Both Podolski and Giroud are promising players. While I believe that Podolski will come good, what about Giroud? Will he suit the Arsenal style? That waits to be seen.

Onto Liverpool and while they have added striker Borini to the team, the big news is the situation of Andy Carroll. Will he head back to Newcastle? It would be an odd move, considering that Newcastle has two brilliant attackers. However, the Englishman is not known for his touch, or his control. That is what Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers looks for in a player. We’ll see how that story evolves.

Thanks for reading. I’ll be back again for the start of the Premiership next month.

21

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37 23

L A S I ¨ A G ¨ N I E C A L P T THE HOTTES

- looking (& f t an ac Al an Gr in or ay M a Plaz

FUN FOR

ALL

AT THE PLAZA!

Young, and young at heart fill the square Again in August the square will be buzzing to the live music and the good number of people getting down there to join in the party atmosphere - young and old!

With live enetertainment throughout August you´ll have plenty to look forward too!

Along with great people enjoying themselves (whether working or patronising) you know you can rely on a good time at the PLAZA!!

ENTERTAINMENT IN AUGUST !LIVE! MUSIC EVERY WEEKEND!

4th August Andy Jones Sat 11th The SOUNDZ Sat 18th EXODUS (T.B.C.) Fri 24th The SOUNDZ Sat 25th LIVE MUSIC (band

E QUAR S S E M ra u TI Irish Pub & Resta nt

Plaz

GAMES

RIDES!

t.b.c.)

+ Every FRIDAY DISCO with Tony Hall Stay cool in the hottest place to be!

Now…staying cool in the hottest month (and in the hottest place to be of course – Plaza Mayor!) is not easy but who can resist a good curry at any time? And from Gran Alacant´s original Indian restaurant Saffron who have been keeping customers happy in Gran Alacant (and many from beyond) with the finest Indian grub around! Try their buffet on a Sunday – superb!

Or, since you´re beside the seaside, how about traditional (and tasty) fish and chips from the friendly Maureen and John at Darby´s Fish and Chips?

Traditional fish and chips cooked as they should be (on a range) and served (and delivered if you so wish) by the busy couple every day of the week.

24

Still, if it´s hot you may well have alcohol is on your mind? (or if it´s col warm or even warm-ish) then just opposite you have the choice of two typically comfy English Bars serving cool drinks on hot days: Michelle and Pete will give you a warm welcome at Rumours which has j been taken over and refurbished (with a new name too) by the sunniest couple in Gran Alacant. Here they´ll always greet you with a smile and probably a good laugh too!

Now established, the newest bar, The Hole in the Wall, has quickly made reputation for service and a good pint (wine or beer take your pick!) and already helping to draw the crowds into the square with its tasteful déco and again a warm and friendly welcome from all from their staff and the customers!

If it´s a little of the Gaelic brogue your missing then you must pop in an

you’d likeown to feature your TEL. business or 408 businesses in a s ALL ABROAD! If - all our ideas.

606 540

LSO THE COOLEST!

(MASA Square)

GRAN ALACANT

! feeling) good for Summer

What´s happening in the Plaza?

This fabulous square is a great place for families, or those on their own perhaps, to rest up, take some refreshment and meet some friendly people. All it needs as we´ve said before is a little TLC (ok, some bricks too) which the businesses have already in motion (pop along and see for yourself the improvements that have been made) - As I said last month: rather than battle with each

za

other, the businesses have sat down and agreed to make the place welcoming to all, the steps are now safe, a disabled ramp is now available and the whole area has a new and exciting buzz about it.

But don´t take my word for it- why should you? and as with most things – the proof of the pudding is in the eating (or the curry, fish and chips, burgers – I could go on…) so you really should get down there and try things for yourself, and meet a great bunch of people who are working very hard to give us a nice place to go and do things…like drink, eat and be merry! Bless them I say!

Why not give the businesses that are working so hard in

S!

ld,

just t

ea d is or eir

nd

9th June!

The story so far

Plaza Mayor your support as they go through the process

& INTERNET CAFÉ

of fixing up what is now one of the best places to visit in

8 Ball Pool

Daily Specia

or s, cod chip all & Sm dock s or a had y pe ns, sh a mu d be ad & re bake of b kled e pic ic sl er, butt n onio

ls

Gran Alacant.

5€

Larg had e co d fru dock or it cre sala & chip d a wit m, se & ic s, ha e rv bee sm ed win r, gla all ss dri e or c of nk an of

10

€

FREE DELIVERY ON ORDERS OF 10euros OR MORE

Opening times Monday - Thur sday Friday & Saturday 4pm - 11pm 1.30pm - 11pm Sunday 4pm 10.30pm Eat inside, outs ide or Take awa y Tel. 96 669 707 0

LIVE!

Coming soon: Xmas stock. Place your orders for all your Xmas goodies, i.e. Turky, Hams Gammons, Cakes, Sweets, Crackers etc

August!

Call in and see us for details GRAN ALACANT see Gavin at Times Square who will relax you with his wonderful food before serving you the finest pint of Guinness around, and that’s before I’ve started on his talking skills! - Tasty grub is very much on the menu here.

Services

Plaza Mayor

Although not always high on your list when going out for an evening, if you have pets you´ll notice Gran Alacant’s busiest vets are here too – what better place to get Rex (that’s the dog I’m talking about…) shaved for summer while you wait outside, in the shade, with a glass of sangria maybe?

Silvia and Isabel at FAB, no, it´s not anything to do with Thunderbirds (Foreigners Advisory Bureau) are always running around looking after the fiscal side of things for expats and if you´re new to Spain or you have to deal with Spanish bureaucracy, trust me talk to these ladies first!

STILL aroundTEL. spread like this - just the givecheapest as a call on advertising 606 540 408 or 96 669 5160

606 540 408

25

2 BIG PAGES of

PUZZLE FUN!!

Word riddle Riddles - Answers below 1.A farmer challenges an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician to fence off the largest amount of area using the least amount of fence.

The engineer made his fence in a circle and said it was the most efficient.

The physicist made a long line and said that the length was infinite. Then he said that fencing half of the Earth was the best.

The mathematician laughed at the others and with his design, beat the others.

What did he do?

2. A man is sitting in a pub feeling rather poor. He sees the man next to him pull a wad of £50 notes out of his wallet.

He turns to the rich man and says to him, “I have an amazing talent; I know almost every song that has ever existed.”

The rich man laughs.

The poor man says, “I am willing to bet you all the money you have in your wallet that I can sing a genuine song with a lady’s name of your choice in it.”

The rich man laughs again and says, “OK, how about my daughter’s name, Joanna Armstrong-Miller?”

The rich man goes home poor. The poor man goes home rich.

What song did he sing?

3. Inside each set of the following words, there are a pair of smaller words. By putting & between them, lo & behold, you’ll make a familiar phrase. For example, “Thighbone/Swallowtail” conceals “High & Low.” 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Skyrocketing/Trolleyman Thermometer/Apoplexy Delaware/Bordering Surprised/Trashiness Throughout/Stumblebum

Across

1. Sock 5. Yiddish ‘trash’ 9. Less 14. ___wolf 15. Van Morrison’s homeland 16. Make the innocent look guilty 17. Like poultry allowed to forage 19. Most populous English-speaking country 20. Alchemist rewrites Charles Dickens classic 22. Wane 23. Nice summer 24. Snake 27. City in the Evergreen State 31. School grp.

34. Decorated 36. 4,840 square yards 37. Art supporter?

39. Alchemist rewrites Alexandre Dumas classic (with ‘The’) 42. Mission San Antonio de Valero 43. Merit 44. Friend 45. Abbreviation in an ad 46. Withhold 49. Humor magazine 50. ___ -mo 51. Me in Montreal 53. Alchemist rewrites Ian Fleming classic 61. Seventh month for Moslems 62. Fine china 64. Saudi’s neighbor 65. Draft status 66. SAS is based here 67. Parking spot and corner office, perhaps 68. Season to be jolly 69. Enthusiastic exclamation

Down

1. Grp. with panda logo 2. Cowboy’s concern 3. ___ code 4. Irritate 5. Like some dads 6. Peal 7. Hence 8. Sailboat stabilizer 9. “Desert Storm” aircraft 10. Bert’s buddy 11. ___ vs. Roe 12. Author Ludwig 13. Scan 18. BBQ favorite 21. ___ Shannon 24. Draw a bead on 25. Climb 26. ___ colony 28. Pains’ partner 29. Doctor 30. Four: prefix 31. Sacred song 32. Inventor Nikola 33.

Synthetic resin used in paint 35. Like a night light 38. Doctors org.

40. Lacking certain defences 41. Unfriendly 47. ___ voyage 48. Zilch 50. Was offensive, in a way 52. Nome dome 53. Something on stage 54. Feeble 55. Not open, not closed 56. Stratford-Avon connector 57. California lake or park 58. Priceless?

59. ___ does it 60. Stir up 63. Negatives

Across

1. Penny pincher 6. Change for a five 10. Opposite of dele, to a typesetter 14. Refrigerator brand 15. Pepsi or Coke 16. ___ Alto, Calif.

17. 2002 DiCaprio/Hanks movie 20. Former partners 21. Butterfingers 22. Alternative to 15Across 23. Garden bloom 25. “Come in!”

26. Some figures in The XFiles 30. Many millennia 32. Draw a bead on 33. “___ out of it!”

34. Soybean curd 38. Old Glory 41. Private eyes, slangily 42. Ship’s pole 43. J.F.K. often used his: Abbr.

44. Out of one’s everlovin’ mind 45. Corner fold 46. Thick 50. Cabbage, on a wiener 52. Shows disapproval 54. Hit up for, as a cigarette 55. Island of Napoleon’s exile 59. “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” line 62. The “A” of U.S.N.A.: Abbr.

63. Attend 64. TV news source 65. London’s ___ Gallery 66. Itar-___ (Russian news agency) 67. Greek Z’s

Down

1. Nutmeg spice 2. Giant-screen theater 3. Fill 4. Envelope extras: Abbr.

5. “Go, team!”

6. 70% of the earth’s surface 7. The contradiction to 17, 38 & 59 across 8. Assistant for Santa 9. Utters 10. Reject 11. Unspoken 12. Make very happy 13. Laser printer need 18. Pitiful cry 19. Dentist’s request 23. Cats and dogs 24. Breadmaking need 26. Speedy 27. Dentist’s request 28. Apple computer 29. Home now for NASA’s Spirit and Opportunity 31. Choose, with “for” 33. Nosh 34. Triangle’s sound 35. The Andy Griffith Show boy 36. Greek cheese 37. Brezhnev’s land 39. Te ___ cigars 40. Hilarious thing 44. Late filmmaker Riefenstahl 45. Russian parliament 46. Half a tone above C 47. Author Jong 48. Jack Sprat’s diet 49. Stockholm native 51. Detroit products 53. Army N.C.O. 55. Scottish Gaelic 56. Gave temporarily 57. “Ali ___ and the 40 Thieves” 58. Old Gremlins and Pacers 60. Feathery scarf 61. Neutral area, for short

Answer 1. The mathematician made a small fence around himself and declared himself to be on the outside.

2. Happy Birthday 3. 1. Rock & Roll 2. Mom & Pop 3. Law & Order 4. Rise & Shine 5. Rough & Tumbl SOLUTIONS:

26

It's a toughy!

a toughy!

ALL ABROAD! - allIt'sour own ideas.

Word: DEVIOUSLY

TEL. 606 540 408

RED? all BORED? all BORED? all BORED? all BORED? all

BORED? all BO all BORED? all BORED? all BOR

all BORED? RED? all BO all BORED? all BORED? all BO

D? all BORED? all BORED? all BORED? all BORED?

Word riddle Riddles - Answers below

1.It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time. This little test should help you get started.

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria is that defines if a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub.”

1. Sitter’s headache 5. Profound 9. Spanish mistress 14. Baby ___ 15. Old Icelandic literary work 16. Off __ (periodically) 17. “Aha!” 18. Take __ (swim) 19. Don’t mind __ (yes) 20. 1951 Bogart/Hepburn Oscar winner 23. Director Sidney 24. Part of E.U.: Abbr.

25. Skewer 28. Beautiful Girl author, Elisabeth 32. Linguist Chomsky 33. Harder to find 35. Citrus drink 36. Box that debutted in 1951 40. Wave in Juarez 41. “Either it goes __ (ultimatum) 42. __-sci 43. Polynesian painter 45. Hunt in France 47. Classic British sports car 48. Org. 50. 1951 novel that introduced Holden Caulfield (with “The”) 57. Big dos 58. Martian prefix 59. “African Queen”, for example 60. __ imports (home furnishings chain) 61. End for a gang or mob 62. “___ Karenina” 63. Pharaoh’s land 64. Peruse carefully 65. Poverty’s wardrobe

Down

1. Londoner, e.g.

2. Charge 3. Suit to __ 4. Site of Bowie’s last stand 5. Worrywart’s words 6. Dog on “Frasier” 7. Decree 8. Nickname of author who penned “The Old Man and the Sea” (1951) 9. Rum cocktail 10. Show off a flag 11. Falco of “The Sopranos” 12. Connecting point 13. Soon, old style 21. Common suffix 22. Israeli desert 25. Umknown, abbrev.

26. Dough 27. Island nation in the Pacific 28. Biscuit that turned 39 in 1951 29. Some Sony products 30. They’re adored 31. __ Meenie (Bieber song) 33. Bridle part 34. Math subj.

37. Lives 38. Extended family 39. It may be under your thumb 44. Big car mfg.

45. 7-Eleven, e.g., briefly 46. Sound of surprise 48. __-ground missile 49. Curl one’s lip 50. Superhero accessory 51. Not worth ____ (valueless) 52. Deuce topper 53. Coarse file 54. Gossip columnisy Barrett 55. Yin’s opposite 56. Flight data, briefly

Okay, here’s your test: 1. Would you use the spoon?

2. Would you use the teacup?

3. Would you use the bucket?

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would choose the bucket, as it is larger than the spoon.”

What was the director’s response?

So, how did *YOU* do?

A man in a restaurant asked a waiter for a juice glass, a dinner plate, water, a match, and a lemon wedge. The man poured enough water onto the plate to cover it.

“If you can get the water on the plate into this glass without touching or moving this plate, I will give you €100,” the man said. “You can use the match and lemon to do this.”

A few minutes later, the waiter walked away with €100 in his pocket. How did the waiter get the water into the glass?

Answers below

SOLUTIONS:

1. Rocky hill 2. Pay dirt 3. Field 4. Places 5. Catcalls?

6. Let loose 7. Interest group, abbr.

8. Nymph who missed Narcissus 9. Hindu god, ‘The Destroyer’ 10. San Diego players 11. Smokey to Simone 12. Family ___ 13. Reasonable 18. Happy ___ 19. Actor Joseph Gordon-___ 22. Imitative 23. Like Brussels lace 24. Wheat meal 26. Matured 29. Stopping place 31. 60s draft dodger, perhaps © 2006 dave fisher 33.

Tying 34. U.S. acquisition of 1867 35. Trusted guide 37. Tear 38. Stockholm’s airline 41. Containing copper 42. Flightless bird 47. To a great degree 49. You ___ would!

(Sure!)

51. Greek letters 53. One is Halley’s 55. Ash, for instance 56. Longest river in Spain 57. Open a crack 58. High ranking NCO 60. ___ Brockovich 62. A Gershwin 63. Future flounder 64. ___ 60 (stat) 65. Sought election

Across

Answer 1. “No,” answered the Director. “A normal person would pull the plug.

1. Usage fee 5. Ponders 10. Nursery items 14. Nabisco product 15. Son of Cain 16. Halo 17. Keep out of...

20. Hawkeye State 21. Supervise 22. Gee preceder 25. It stretched from Germany to China 27. Map abbreviation 28. “___ de Lune” (Debussy) 30. The first of a famous trio 32. Religion founded 5th century AD 36. Telephone (slang) 37. A meal 39. Beer type 40. Do not puncture...

43. Janis ___ (singer) 44. Overthrows 45. Fog 46. Part of a brooch 48. Actress Winger, to friends 49. A swindle 50. Globe 52. Il ___ (Mussolini) 54. Needlefish 55. Fatigues 59. Mechanical repetition 61. ...are closer than they appear 66. Not written 67. Concur 68. Small amount 69. Rowboat 70. Commence 71. Night light

Down

2.First, the waiter stuck the match into the lemon wedge, so that it would stand straight. Then he lit the match, and put it in the middle of the plate with the lemon.

Then, he placed the glass upside-down over the match. As the flame used up the oxygen in the glass, it created a small vacuum, which sucked in the water through the space between the glass and the plate. Thus, the waiter got the water into the glass without touching or moving the plate.

You can try this experiment at home with appropriate supervision.

Across

What do the following words have in common?

Assess Banana Dresser Grammar Potato Revive Uneven Voodoo If you take the first letter and move it to the rear of the word, you get the same word when read backwards.

ORED? all BOR.ED? all BORED? all BORE Easy...ish

It's a toughy!

Word: ELKHOUNDS

27

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BARGAIN BASEMENT!? and now the GOOD NEWS!

Looking for a property in Spain?

– why not bag yourself a bargain in La Marina?

Dave Bull talks to La Marina estate agents IPG and discovers some great properties at even greater prices on the Urb’.

This property is very close to all amenities, on a corner plot, 3 beds, 2 baths, furnished, and the added bonus of a community swimming pool. The villa

Property prices have steadied but some people still want to sell

is on one level , so if you want to be

up and move on, and quickly, and that means that there are some

within walking distance to shops and

great properties to be had – at very reasonable prices.

restaurants, with the added bonus of a pool, then this could be for

And although some of the newspapers are full of doom and gloom

you :- Urb La Marina: REF 615 149,900€

here on the Costa Blanca there is always some good news for expats (and plenty of sunshine!) to make the most of. For example

Urb La Marina : Want more

in La Marina, which – by the way – have some of the most beautiful

space? We are offering

beaches on the coast, there are bargains to be had!

this beautiful 3 bed 2 bath,

Sold Subject to

detached villa, on a 500m2

contract

plot, Quiet location, Furnished, Beautiful landscaped gardens,

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with a irrigation system. Solarium. Carport for off road parking.

Viewing is highly recommended. Ref No 548 199,000€

views, Furnished, in very good REF 611 How about a holiday home

condition throughout viewing

in the sleepy Spanish village of

recommended.

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REF: 591

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29

€179

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31

32

‘aving a laugh with...

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols: It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3,000 years old The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn’t lie to you.

4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It’s of vital importance to note that these four women do not know each other

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of The night.”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said:

rest of me life, sitting in church

"Ths is a woman. We can see these people held women in high

beside me wife.”

esteem.

“Oh, that is very nice indeed,

You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a

John!” Mary said.

donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them

The next day, Mary ran into one

till the soil.

of John’s drinking buddies on the

The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to

street Corner. The man chuckled

help them."

leeringly and said, “John won the

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they

prize the other night at The pub

seek food from the sea.

with a toast about you, Mary.”

The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I

they were evidently Hebrews.

was a bit surprised myself. You The audience applauded enthusiastically.

know, he’s only been in there twice

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room

in the last four years. “Once I had

and said,

to pull him by the ears to make him

"Idiots...Hebrew is read from right to left... It says: 'Holy Mack-

come, and the other time he fell

erel, Dig The Ass On That Chick"

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39

ALL the

MARKETS

GIG GUIDE

on the COSTA BLANCA! Monday Markets

Thursday Contined...

Javea (Xabia) Llocnou de Sant Jeroni Pego Playe de Bellreguard Rafelcofer Rojales San Javier Tavernes de Valldigna Villajoyosa Xixona (Jijona)

Agres Callosa d’En Sarria Cox Denia Elche Formentera Granja de Rocamora Ibi La Nucia Llocnou de Sant Jeroni Orihuela Parcent Petrer Penaguila Monover Real de Gandia San Pedro del Pinatar Santa Pola Sax Xeraco

Friday Markets Albatera Alfaz del Pi Almoines Banyeres Benejuzar Beniarres Benidoleig Crevillente Daimus Denia (Rastro) El Verger Finestrat Gata de Gorgos Granja de Rocamora L’ Alfas del Pi Monforte del Cid Montesinos Moraira Muro de Alcoi Oliva Onil Petrer Pilar de la Horadada Rafol d’ Almunia Tibi Torrevieja Villalonga

Tuesday Markets Alicante (Rastro) Aspe Altea Barx Bellreguard Benijofar Campo de Mirra Castalla Elda Jalon (Xalo) Orihuela Palma de Gandia Piles Rafelcofer Relleu San Fulgencio Tibi Villalonga Xeresa

Saturday Markets

Wednesday Markets Ador Albatera Alcoy Alqueries Almoines Banyeres Barx Benjema Beniaries Benidorm Benilloba Benitachell Biar Callosa de Segura Calpe (Rastro) El Campello Elda Guardamar del Segura La Font d’en Carros La Mata Muchamiel Monforte del Cid Novelda Orba Ondara Petrer Polop Potries Rotova San Miguel de Salinas Teulada

Thursday Markets Agost Agres Albatera Alguena Alicante Aspe Benidoleig Cocentaina Hondon de los Frailes

40

Alcoy Alicante Almoradi Alqueria Banyeres Bellreguard Benifairo Benissa Callosa d’En Sarria Calpe Castalla Castell de Castells Catral Elche Elda La Font d’En Carros La Romana Gaianes Hondon de las Nieves Novelda Ondara Pedreguer Playa Flamenca San Vicente del Raspeig Salinas Relleu Santa Pola Xalo (Jalon) Rastro

Welcome to another month of great

where she has

entertainment here on the Costa’s,

supported many of the top named

a few months ago I had the privi-

acts that have been brought out

lege of going to see a female artist

from the UK, and now as well as

here called Dee and I must say she

still working at the Lounge Bar she

was absolutely brilliant.

has decided to spread her wings

Dee is a fantastic fun loving singer/

further a field and is performing up

entertainer with a powerful voice

and down the Costa Blanca in many

singing songs from the seventies

venues in most areas. What I found

right

through

the

great about Dee was that

modern day and most

as well as having a bril-

of her songs are mixed

liant voice she has a great

by

interaction with the audi-

her

music

very

to

talented

producer

hus-

ence making sure every-

band Paul, she has been

one has a good night and

a

constantly

professional

now

for

many

singer

changes

her

years

songs to suit all tastes, so

working in many coun-

if you get the chance then

tries including UK, Ger-

I

definitely

recommend

many, France, Greece, Italy, Malta,

you going to see this lady perform

Turkey, Tunisia, Bosnia, The Ascen-

as you wont be disappointed.

sion Islands and she even worked

If you’re a bar or an entertainer and

in the Falkland entertaining the

want to appear in the gig guide or

British troupes for ‘The CSE’ (Com-

you have any events coming up that

bined Services Entertainment).But

you would like me to tell everyone

now she’s has been singing for us

about then please contact me by

here on the Costa Blanca for the last

email on mandy@starsinbars.org or

six years and four of those she has

call me on 685302529 or just visit

spent working as the resident sing-

my website www.starsinbars.org

er, compare and show coordinator at the Lounge Bar in Torrevieja

Sunday Markets

Algorfa Benidorm Benijofar Campoverde El Campo de Guardamar Elche El Zoco La Nucia Lliber La Marina Pedreguer Verger Villajoyosa

ALL ABROAD! - all our own ideas.

TEL. 606 540 408

…just another day for me then…

THE DAY I GOT TO MOUNT TOSSAL you. Perched on the side of the

need of refreshment, like I was

Another Sunday and itchy feet.

hill the fortress provides views

and with the best views of all,

I wanted to get out again and

up and down the coast and on

the Café Monte Tossal (not too

after a wise couple of sugges-

a clear day, and it could be my

imaginative there) offer diners

tions from readers the week

eyes are going but let’s say,

and drinkers the perfect place

before I thought I’d ask the

for my piece of mind, it wasn’t

to eat while looking down on

question again and the little

clear that day, you can see all

the whole of Alicante. Any-

known San Fernando Castle in

the way across the valleys to

where else and this would be a

Alicante was a tempting idea

Aspe, and further.

glass fronted ‘bistro’ charging

from one. With a glance at

your card with enough zeros

Google Maps and the motorbike

The fortress itself is an inter-

to give you vertigo but here a

(and me) loaded up with lap-

esting place, even if there isn’t

menu del dia with these views,

top, cameras, writing stuff and

actually much too it and with

nine euros, not bad eh?

a cold drink I headed off to find the shy

Below the bar the

‘brother’ of Castillo

Parque Monte Tos-

Santa Barbera.

sal slides down the

Standing proudly atop

mountainside, literally,

of Mount Benacantil,

with children’s play

the castle of Santa

parks, roller skating

Barbara is one of

rink, crazy golf and a

the most formidable

skateboard park for

medieval fortresses in

the more energetic and

Spain. Up at the top

some landscaped gar-

visitors enjoy superb

dens (with real grass!)

views of the city and

where you can walk in

those in the know

the shade or the sun

will tell you to take a

with your backdrop

good look at the castle from El

the Spanish never too keen

being Alicante city stretching

Postiguet beach. Here you’ll get

to invest time and money in

down to the shoreline.

a whole different image look-

a lot of their heritage around

ing back at you, as the carved

the country, the place is a bit

It’s a huge area and a good

stone projects out from the

tatty. Having said that the

place to take the kids to keep

wall, in the shape of a human

good thing about the Spanish

them amused for an hour or

face known as the Moor’s Head.

not doing much about the odd

two, or somewhere to go and

castle or relic is that they leave

spend some quiet time too

But today my visit is to a lesser

them open to explore. Tunnels,

amongst the trees and green

known fortress not so far way,

stairwells and hidden nooks and

lawns that spread out below

the Castillo de San Fernando

crannies will keep the most fas-

the cliff-top café bar.

guarded Santa Barbera castle

cinated family member busy…

from the west on a hill almost

and while dad’s off exploring,

Getting there

as high as Mount Benacantil

the kids will love it too.

Google maps ‘Castillo San Fernando’ is the best way or…

known as Monte Tossal. Both built at the beginning of the

It still amazes me that almost

if you find your way to Hercules

19th century they offered

two hundred years ago they

football stadium (Rico Perez) in

protection for the town from its

could build something as strong

C/ Foguerer José Romeu, Ali-

two highest hills.

and lasting as this when I can’t

cante just head upwards from

manage to keep a shelf up lon-

there and you can’t go wrong.

I wound my way up the road

ger than a few weeks…

Alternatively you can call on

that leads away from the home

After searching (and hiding) in

+34 965 20 00 00 and find out

of Hercules football club (Rico

the tunnels and walkways of

(in Spanish) more information.

Perez stadium) and towards the

San Fernando castle (the waiter

second highest point in Alicante

insisted it is a ‘fortress’; point-

city, Monte Tossal. The first

ing across the valley to Santa

thing you’ll witness is Alicante

Barbera castle and saying, ‘now

(all of it) spreading itself before

THAT is a castle!’) you’ll be in

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Virgen del Remedio (Our Lady of Remedy) - early August, celebrations honour the Patron Saint, with ‘Alborada’ concerts, a procession along the main streets, and ‘Feast Day’ on August 3rd. The festivities also includes the Port Summer Festival.

Virgen del Socorro - between the 5th and 8th of September, the Virgen del Socorro (Our Lady of Succour) festival in Alicante is wildly fun. You can watch a cooking competition where cooks really get into the spirit of the display, there’s another parade, street stalls, live music, and lots of games you can join in. If you like dancing, this festival is the one to attend.

Buñol One of the most craziest Spanish festivals is La Tomatina, Tomato Festival in Buñol near Valencia which is the world’s biggest tomato fight.

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46

PLUMBING & HEATING SOLUTIONS

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Classifieds

Place your FREE classified ads (up to 25 words) @

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GENERAL

Wheelchair for sale folding good condition lightweight 125euros Quesada 966717851

For Sale Computer Desk Computer desk hardly used, need the space 15€ tel/text: 622 03 35 82 GLASS COMPUTER DESK Ikea, with sliding keyboard panel. v.g.c hardly used. 50€

Two Calor Gas Heaters With Regulators - €40 Each - Fortuna - 650 788851

Ikea Bookcase Light Wood €15 - Fortuna - 650 788851 Ikea Light Wood Dvd Stand €10- Fortuna - 650 788851 White Extendable Table/Small Drawer & 4 Whicker Effect Chairs - €60 Fortuna - 650 788851 Ikea Light Wood Computer Desk With Top For Disks Etc €30 - Fortuna - 650 788851

Breville Slow Cooker 3Ltr New Wanted To Purchase Mobile €20 Tel. 693525799 Homes/Wooden Chalets-Anything Considered - Call 650 Oak Veneer Writing Bureau 788851 1930’S - €20 - 650 788851 27’ Tv-Built In Dvd €40 Tel. 693525799 Sky Boxes From €30.00 Tel. 650 788851 Computer Desks - Large €50 - Small - €25 - Fortuna, 650 788851

200 BUSINESS CARDS = 35€ 24 hr turnaround Tel. 606 540 408 Electric Induction Glass Hob, Excellent Condition, €150 Fortuna - 650 788851 4 Newell Posts For Staircase Cost €108 For €20 Tel. 693525799

Hp Printer + 4 Colour Ink, 3 Black Ink - €45 - Fortuna - 650 Situation Vacant Manager Required For Under 788851 Performing Football Team.

Must Be Able To Travel, Own Car Essential And Be Prepared Generator 2.6 Kva Briggs & Stratton Brand New Cost £800. To Talk To Press. Not Results Orientated At All. Contact The Oo Accept €350.00 Fa (Stands For Football AssoTel. 676 079996 ciation Amongst Other Things..)

Hp Scanner €15 - Fortuna - 650 English Language Not A Necessity.

788851 Complete Excercise Gym €200 - Fortuna - 650 788851 One 1.4 Mtr Portugese Prime Satellite Dish. In Very Good Order And Complete With Lnb And Fixing Bracket. Reason For Sale Is The Need To Provide Two Take Offs. Price 100 Euros 966716400.

Set 12 Wood Carving Chisels €15 Tel. 693525799

Golf Clubs 12 In Bag Dunlop €35 Tel. 693525799

VEHICLES

2X Clio 5 Door A/C.. 2002..

Exc Condition.. Great Car..

Ring For Details. 619 726 480 Bmw 323 Ti Compact Evo M 2001,Itv 2013,Manual,170Hp,Full Bmw Evo M Pack,Blistein Pss9 Coilover Suspension, Jbl And ,Custom Colour Coded Head Lining,17 Inch M6 Rims,Twin Stainless Exhaust,In Extremely Good Condition 5750€ Tel. 603142786

Peugeot 1.9 Diesel 1997, Right Hand Drive on Spanish plates, - fully imported and legal with all paperwork.

1 Years ITV, brand new tyres, brand new front & rear brakes, regularly serviced.

1650 euro ono 966699511

or leechappell@live.co.uk Peugeot 307Hd 2.O Estate 2004 One Owner Since New V.G.C. Diesel Elc Windows Sunroof Stereo 6,150€ O.N.O Tel. 606 540 408

Breaking Opel Corsa 1.2 Most Parts Avail Tel: 633193156 Fortuna Ford Mondeo Estate N/S/R Light Unit Complete 30€ Tel: 633193156 Fortuna Harley Davidson. 2003 Anniversary Road King. 24,000 Klms, One Owner.

F.S.H Over 2000 Pounds Of Extras.Tel. 966 699 465 11,995 Euros Ono Mazda Mx5 2.0 Litre. 6 Speed.

2005, One Owner. 26,000 Klms Only. Metalic Red. Spanish Plates. Lhd.As New 12,995 Euros Ono Tel. 639 545 694 Yamaha 1600 V Twin Wildstar Only Done 8,000M As New €5,000 Tel. 693525799 Piaggo Nrg, 50Cc, Water Cooled Special Scooter, 1,400Kms From New, Black/ White, Itv 2 Years, Tax Paid, Excellent Condition €695.00 Tel. 650 788851 Suzuki Intruder 125 V-Twin 900Kms, 2005, Mint Condition, Metalic Blue, Extras €1795.00 Tel. 650 788851 5000 LEAFLETS 125€ A5 FULL COLOUR DOUBLE SIDE PRINTS 135g glossy paper Tel 606 540 408

Seat Marbella 1997 White Immaculate Condition. Itv One Owner Great Basic And Cheap WANTED Runaround. Only 950€ Tel. 680 198 990 SPORT WANTED LONG TERM RENT in Gran Alacant by famPicton 4.5 Sportboat With Landrover Freelander 1.8I 5 ily of four. Min. 3 beds. 2 bath.

Trailer, Needs Fairing And Door A/C Electrics Alloys 608 293 596 Engine.

650E O.N.O. La Marina Tel: 3295€ Tel. 634 377 276 MOTORCYCLES/SCOOTERS 666029666 any age or condition but must Range Rover Vogue 3.0 Tdi have papers. *Fibre Glass Dinghy 3 Man Cash paid. Tel. 606 540 408 Fits Ib Riif Racj 4Hp Engine Or Fully Lopaded Blue Pearl 16.995€ Oars €380 Tel. 693525799 ask@allabroad.es Tel. 634 377 276

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