the
BUMPER ANNUAL book
OOOH...! I SAY!
of
bad jokes! ! E L I SM
Read ‘em & weep...! ...although they’re not all bad...
FREE!!
even with bits to colour in... ...for you know who...!
re o m
Tales from the campo...
For the jokers...by the jokers
Light travels more quickly than sound, which is why some people appear to be bright until you finally hear them speak. An optimist is an individual who falls off the top of the Empire State Building and says, after fifty floors, “So far, so good!�
Interesting Ads and Signs. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!) Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why...
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet..
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it. This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last
He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.' She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?' He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.' She will be eligible for parole in three years.
Stock up and save. Limit: one
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? ' 'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is allpowerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and Up after.
'You dumber than buffalo. It means someone stole the tent.'
See ladies blouses. 50% Off! Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops! Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! For sale: A quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Tales from the seaside... Deep Heat
A guy on holiday walks into the local pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I’ve never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny... you know...keep me hard.” The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardsboard box marked with a label ‘Viagra Extra Strength’ and says, “Here, if you eat this, you could pole vault around town for the next 12 hours” The guy says, “Gimme three boxes.” The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man’s penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. The man says, “Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat.” The pharmacist replies, “You’re not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?” The man says, “No, it’s for myarms, the girls didn’t show up.”
Breast Day
A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the desk clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and, as he does so, he nudged his elbow into her breast. They are both quite startled, so the man turns to her and says, "Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me." She replies, "Sir, if your d**K is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 436."
TORREVIEJA
Two old ladies from Torrevieja were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, “Hey that’s a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?” The other old lady said, “It’s a condom.” “A condom? Where do you get those?” The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived in Gran Alacant, the old lady with all the questions went into the chemist and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, “What size do you want?” “One that would fit a Camel.” Two men met each other on the beach at Majorca. One looked at the other and asked, ‘Are you brown from the sun?’ ‘No,’ replied the other, ‘I’m Smith from The Times.’
Two little East End kids were paddling in the sea at Southend. 'Cor,' said one, 'look at your feet. They ain't half dirty.' 'Well, we didn't have no 'oliday last year.' There are always fortune-tellers at the seaside. Two of them met on the front at Frinton one sunny summer day. 'Lovely weather,' said the first fortune-teller. 'Yes,' said the second. 'It reminds me of the summer of 2010.' An elderly woman went to her doctor, complaining about not being able to hear out of one ear. The doctor then took his penlight, looked in her ear, then took his tweezers, reached in, and pulled something out. After examining the object for a second, he exclaimed, "Well....it seems you inserted a suppository into your ear...". The old lady thought for a second, then responded "Gee....I guess that explains why I can't find my hearing-aid...!".
wo seagulls were flying over the beach at a seaside resort one boiling hot August Bank Holiday afternoon. Every way they looked, there were so many people there wasn't a speck of sand to be seen. 'Ah,' said one to the other contemptuously, 'takes all the skill out of it, doesn't it?'
Before Viagra
One day, little Johnny is walking home from school in La Marina. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the front step without any pants on! So he goes up to his grandpa and says “Grandpa, do you realize that you’re not wearing any pants?” His grandpa replies “Yes Jimmy, I do.” Jimmy then says “Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?” His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds “Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt to long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma’s idea.”
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens…. Bob Hope
'Holy Trinity'
'Respect'
The Holy Ghost, Jesus and God decide
Paddy and Sean were on the 8th green by the road at Ro-
to have a day off and play golf. Holy
manby golf club when a funeral cortege passed by as they
Ghost steps on the tee with his silver
were about to play. Paddy removed his cap bowed his head
driver, puts his silver ball on a silver tee and creams his drive 300yds. down the middle of the fairway. Jesus then gets on the tee with his golden driver, puts a gold ball on a gold tee and does the
The police
are called to
a house and find a woman holding a golf club and
and stood in reverence as the cortege passed by.
standing over a blugend
Sean remarked to Paddy as the procession passed, I didn’t
male on the floor, the police
know you were that religious Paddy??
ask is that your husband?
I’m not replied Paddy but I lived with her for 36 years so you
yes she says, then they ask
have to show a little respect, dont you.
is he dead? yes she replies, then they ask is that a 5
same as the Holy Ghost. God pulls his
iron you hit him with? yes
worn and battered old wooden driver
she replies, then they ask
from his bag, steps on the tee and puts
how many times did you
a dirty, cut and scored ball on a broken
hit him? she replies maybe
wooden tee. He takes a mighty heave
4,5,6,7,8 times she replies,
at the ball and slices it. Just then, an
oh bugger it put me down
Eagle was flying by and caught the
for a 6 she says
ball in it's beak and carried it towards the green, and dropped it 20 foot from
A man’s alarm goes off at 5.00am He casually whispers into his wife’s ear – “intercourse or golf course?” His wife does not flinch an inch when replying – “don’t forget your sweater.”
the pin, whereupon a Hedgehog then pushed it with it's nose into the hole. Jesus then turned to God and said "Aw c'mon Dad it's only a !&*%^$£ friendly game!!!
One day, a scotsman went playing golf. After standing a while on the green he asked the boy standing Someone died playing golf... Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful!"she said, to which Fred replied "You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry." Four men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every Sunday morning, until one of them passed away. The other three asked the club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out the foursome again. "No problem," answered the pro. "But, you have to understand," one of the guys, named George, explained, "that Moe, who died, was like our eyes. We're all getting some cataracts, and have trouble seeing the ball. Moe's eyesight was perfect, and he was our spotter." The pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others returned the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient looking gentleman, named Bert. "How old are you?" George asked. "I'm ninety-four," Bert responded. "Fabulous," said George. "But how's your eyesight?" At this, Bert blew up. "Don't insult my eyes," he yelled. "I may be old, but I've got 20-20 vision. I have eyes like an eagle. Don't insult me!" "Okay, okay," the others said. "Let's play golf." George was first on the tee, and he hit a long, low drive, that faded significantly after about 200 yards. He turned to Bert. "Did you see where it went?" he asked the ancient one. "Did I see where it went? I told you not to insult my eyesight. Of course, I saw where it went. I've got eyes like an eagle!" Bert yelled. "Okay, I'm sorry," said George. "Where did it go?" Bert dropped his head, and muttered, "Sorry,I forgot."
beside him: "You are my caddie for today?" "Yes," answered the boy. "You are good in finding lost balls?" "Oh yes, I find every lost ball!" "Okay, boy, then run and search for one, then we can start!" 1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART. 2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP. 3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! . 4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING. 5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER. 6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE. 7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, PLEASE LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU. 8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS. 9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING TO GO. 10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES. WELL DONE - NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.
“God,” said Adam, “Why did you make Eve so beautiful?” “So you would love her.” “But why did you make her so dumb?” “So she would love you.” Married life is full of excitement : * In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. * In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. * In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
ou slept omen have y w y n a m w o ed me, “H My wife ask with?” the ing. With all rl a D u, o y plied, “Only I proudly re s awake.” others I wa M to 8 PM urs are 10 A o H g in it is V Hospital
What Happens When You Fall In Love With A chef? (You get buttered up.) A chauffeur? (You get taken for a ride.) A gambler? (He cheats on you.) A telephone operator? (He gives you a phone-y line.) A trashman? (He dumps you.) A clockmaker? (He two-times you.) A pastry cook? (He desserts you.) A shoe salesman? (He walks all over you.) An elevator operator? (He lets you down.) An artist? (He gives you the brush.) A jogger? (He gives you the run-around.)
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, But definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy. ‘Congratulations,’ says the nurse to the new parents. ‘Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?’ The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, ‘Well, two Wong’s don’t make a white, So I think we will name him... Are you ready...? ...Sum Ting Wong
er, “I to his daught Murphy said ’clock.” o’ en me by elev want you ho ’m no ut Father, I’ She said, “B know, “I , id !” He sa longer a child me by want you ho that’’s why I eleven.” Parent A woman got JOKE on a bus hold ing a baby. The bus driv said: “That’ s the ugliest er baby I’ve ever se en.” woman slamm In a huff, the ed her fare the fare box into and took an seat near th aisle e rear of th e bus. The man seat ed next to he sensed that r she was agit and asked he ated r what was wrong. “The bus dr iver insulted me,” she fumed. The man sym pathized and sa id : “Why, he’s public servan a t an things to insu d shouldn’t say lt “You’re right, passengers.” ” she said. think I’ll go back up ther “I e and give him a pi ec “That’s a go e of my mind.” od idea,” th e man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”
Love is grand... ...Divorce is 80 grand to the frantically in A man speaks is pregnant, and her wife phone, “My two minutes ns are only io ct contra child?” the rs is her fi t th s “I ” t! ar ap idiot!” the s. “No, you doctor querie his is her *husband*!” “T man shouts.
2 It Comes to Us All…
‘aving a laugh...?! On a Plumber ’s truck: “W e repair what your hu sband fixed.”
Men who la ck female supervision ...
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.” Her neighbour asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The little silver haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.” Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table... He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we ” m door: “Push. Push. Push. nitytoRoo Mater Ondo,awe’re not going be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.” He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh “Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
REPLACEMENT WINDOWS Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them. Hellloooo,............just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year,,, Helllooooo? It’s been a year, so they’re paid for, I told him.. There was only silence at the other end of the line, So I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.. Call 679 096 309 and ask for Little B, I’ll be waiting..... see bottom of page
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party... The Wife had a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice looking woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished , naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would offer for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: ‘Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.’ - ‘Did you dance much ?’ - ‘I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys and we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.....!
Sign over a Gynec ologist’s Office: “Dr. Jones, at yo ur cervix.” At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
‘aving a laugh...?!
Harold, R: TEACHE a person you call g when what do on talkin s p e e k o wh ger interre no lon people a r ested? A teache : D L O R HA
Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Roger, Again he is ready for more ‘action’. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more ‘action’. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger..’ Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: ‘You mean I’ve been here already tonight?’ The moral of the story: Don’t be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer’s has its advantages.
TEACH ER: always Glen, w get so hy do y dirty? GLEN: ou closer W ell, I’m to the g a lot round than yo u are.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog.
Millie, give TEACHER: me a sentence starting with I. I is.. MILLIE: No, MilTEACHER: lie..... Always say, ‘I am.’ All right... MILLIE: r of the lette h nint the am ‘I alphabet.’ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn’t punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
Glenn, how do you TEACHER: spell ‘crocodile?’ K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’ GLENN: that’s wrong No, R: TEACHE Maybe it is wrong, GLENN: it. but you asked me how I spell Maria, go to the map TEACHER: ca . and find North Ameri is. it re He MARIA: Now class, ct. rre Co TEACHER: ? ca eri who discovered Am Maria. CLASS:
TEACHER: DONALD: TEACHER: DONALD:
THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH
Who said there were no good stories in the newspaper anymore! PERTH - An SAS trooper collecting toys for children was stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter in east Perth . The ‘Toys-R-Us’ Store Manager told ‘The West Australian’ that a man was seen on surveillance cameras last Friday putting a laptop under his jacket at the store. When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee, pulled a knife and ran toward the door. Outside were four SAS Troopers collecting toys for the “Toys For Tots” program. Smith said the Troopers stopped the man, but he stabbed one of them, in the back. The cut did not appear to be severe. The suspect was transported by ambulance to the Royal Perth Hospital with two broken arms, a broken leg, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions and assorted lacerations including a broken nose and jaw... Injuries he apparently sustained when he tripped whilst trying to run after the stabbing. One of the Troopers said, “He was a clumsy bastard.”
Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? HIJKLMNO What are you talking about? Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
His & Hers Road Trips HERS
1. Pulls off at wrong exit. 2. Opens window. 3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer. 4. Arrives at destination presently.
TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS... 10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelete. 8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving?’ 5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male. 3. You're counting down the days until menopause. 2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
HIS
1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it’s the correct one. 2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he’s right. 3. Drives an extra five miles just in case. 4. Finally rolls down window. 5. Picks his nose. 6. Pulls up to a McDonalds. 7. Gets three hot dogs, a large coke and a burger. 8. Asks foreigner behind counter how to get back onto the highway. 9. Gets back into car. 10. Farts. 11. After he closes the door. 12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-Eleven. 13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because the pimply 17-year-old 7-Eleven cashier said it was. 14. Almost hits a deer. 15. Curses the night. 16. Curses you. 17. Curses the dog. 18. Stops by the side of the road. 19 Takes a leak. 20. Still taking a leak. 21. Almost done. 22. I think. 23. Returns to car. 24. Drives and fiddles with radio. 25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again. 26. Admits he didn’t want to go to Xmas at your sister’s anyway. 27. He hates your sister. 28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel. 29. He had to look up pernicious. 30. Couldn’t find a dictionary. 31. Finally found a dictionary. 32. Couldn’t spell pernicious. 33. Seethes at the memory of it all. 34. But she is laughing inside. 35. And of course you’re still lost.
Any questions boys...?
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND... 10. Cats' facial expressions 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds 7. Fat clothes 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time 5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell 4. Cutting your hair to make it grow 3. Eyelash curlers 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made 1. OTHER WOMEN TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY... 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9 Look in a mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do the splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too. 1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
SATAN
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?” The man says, “Yep, sure do.” Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?” The man says, “Nope, sure ain’t.” Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?” The man says, “Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”
Men...! Women Speak in Oestrogen - Men Listen in Testosterone When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots”. Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, “I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know that there’s always a chance for us.” This is known as the “I Hate You / I Love You” drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need. Sex: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. Maturity: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading football cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. Magazines: Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman’s body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. Handwriting: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “g’s”. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note. Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a sausage and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let’s not talk about how many days he’ll wear the same socks. Leg warmers: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she’s walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the theatre.
MAN JOKES One day God called Adam to him and said: “Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?” “The good news,” replied Adam. “Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain.” “OK..” said Adam warily. “And what’s the bad news?” “I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time.” Why are men so bad at sex and driving? Because they always pull out with no thought of who else might be coming. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough. How can you tell if a man is really well hung? When you can just slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. What do men and tights have in common? They’re both apt to cling, run, and never fit properly between your legs. What is the real difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. Why do men like smart, sexy women? Opposites attract. Why is psychoanalysis so much quicker for men than for women? Men don’t need to be regressed back to their childhood. Why are well-dressed men always married? Because their wife chooses their clothes for them. What do you call a man with only half a brain? Gifted. What do a beer bottles and men have in common? They are both empty from the neck up. Why can women never find their way to a man’s heart? Because they aim too high. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them. Why don’t women talk during foreplay? They don’t have enough time. How does a man show a woman that he is planning for the future? He buys ten cases of beer.
The Man Rules Finally , the guys’ side of the story. We always hear “ the rules” From the female side.... Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! 1. Men are NOT mind readers. ( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE) 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 3 . Sunday sports, It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 4 . Crying is blackmail. 5 . Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 6 . Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 7 . Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 8 . Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 9 . If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. 10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 11. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself. 12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.. 13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 15. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 16. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.. 17. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear. 18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really . 19. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey. 20. You have enough clothes. 21. You have too many shoes. 22. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 23. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
It all began with an iPhone . . . March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone . He just loved it. Who wouldn’t? I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad. My daughter’s birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.
VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES --- REVISITED How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry It! What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. What are the three fastest means of communication? 1) Television 2) Telephone 3) Telawoman
What should you give a woman who has everySeptember came by thing? so for her birthday A man to show her how to I got my wife an work it. iRon. It was around then that the fight started . . . During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: “MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyEdinburgh” When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital... Once upon a time, A Prince asked a Beautiful Princess... “Will you Marry Me?” The Princess said “NO!” And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotchand had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. THE END
What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won’t do what she’s told I married a Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.. It’s called a Wedding Cake. Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
get your own back next month ladies...! send your ‘men jokes’ to ask:thejungledrums.com
...and we’ll print the best!
N O Y R R CA
! G N I K JO One day a father was on his way
During a recent flight to Alicante a pilot was seated next to a young
home to Pinoso when he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday.
mother with a babe in arms. When
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and
the baby began crying during the
asks the sales person, ‘How much
descent for landing, the mother be-
for one of those Barbie’s in the
gan nursing the infant as discreetly
display window?’
as possible.
The salesperson answers, ‘Which
The pilot pretended not to notice
one do you mean, Sir? We have:
and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related stuff she had. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, “Gosh, that’s a good looking baby...
Work Out Barbie for €19.95, Shopping Barbie for €19.95, Beach
This is mythical and deep. Truly beautiful... A Guardamar man asked an American Indian what was his wife’s name. He replied, “She is called Five Horses.” The man said, “That’s an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?” The Old Indian answered, “It old Indian Name. It mean... NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!
Barbie for €19.95, Disco Barbie for €19.95, Ballerina Barbie for €19.95, Astronaut Barbie for €19.95, Skater Barbie for €19.95, and Divorced Barbie for €265.95’. The amazed father asks: ‘It’s
FLIES A woman walked into the kitchen of her home in La Marina to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie
“What are you doing?” She asked.
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother
€265.95 and the others only
explained that her paediatrician said
“Hunting Flies” He responded.
€19.95?’
that the time spent on the breast
The annoyed salesperson rolls her
would help alleviate the pressure in
eyes, sighs, and answers: ‘Sir...,
the baby’s ears.
Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s
The pilot sadly shook his head, and
Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s
and he sure was hungry!”
in true pilot fashion exclaimed, “And all these years, I’ve been chewing gum.”
Furniture, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made with Ken’s balls.
“Oh! Killing any?” She asked. “Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied. Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell them apart?” He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”
‘aving a laugh...?!
My prayer for 2012 is for A fat bank account & a thin body. Please don’t mix these up like you did last year.
Penguins Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go? Wonder no more ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: “Freeze a jolly good fellow” “Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
A man in a London supermarket ... ...tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he’ll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager ‘Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.’ As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, ‘And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.’ The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, ‘I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?’ ‘ Liverpool , sir,’ the boy replied. ‘Well, why did you leave Liverpool ?’ the manager asked. The boy said, ‘Sir, there’s nothing but whores and footballers up there.’ ‘Really?’ said the manager. ‘My wife is from Liverpool .’ ‘You’re kidding?’ replied the boy. ‘Who did she play for?’ il Mickelson, “You are A gushy reporter told Ph is synonymous with the spectacular, your name know your way around game of golf. You really secret?” the course. What’s your holes are numbered.” he “T , lied Mickelson rep
An Italian MaMa son Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her er. dinn for y Anthon ate, He lives with a female roomm
Maria. l, his During the course of the mea how ice not but help t ldn’ cou her mot is. ate mm pretty Anthony’s roo , Over the course of the evening , she ract inte two the g chin wat while e mor was e started to wonder if ther ate mm roo his and y between Anthon than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, what Anthony volunteered, “I know ure ass I but , king thin be you must mroo just are I and ia Mar , you mates.’’ e to About a week later, Maria cam r you e sinc er “Ev ing, say y Anthon n bee I’ve mother came to dinner, bowl. unable to find the silver sugar do it, k too she e pos sup ’t You don you?” her, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email e.” sur just to be email: So he sat down and wrote an Dear MaMa, take I’m not saying that you “did” ; I’m se hou the sugar bowl from my it. take ” not “did you not saying that n bee has it that ains rem fact But the e her e wer missing ever since you for dinner. Your Loving Son Anthony Several days later, Anthony rehis ceived a response email from MaMa which read: Dear son, p I’m not saying that you “do” slee that ing say not I’m with Maria, and you “do not” sleep with her. was But the fact remains that if she ld wou she , bed N sleeping in her OW . now by l bow ar sug the have found a MaM ing Lov r You
A hippie gets on a bus... ...and spies a pretty young
nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: “Can we have sex?” “No,” she replies, “I’m married to God.” She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: “I can tell you how to get to have sex with her !” “Yeah?”, says the hippie. “Yeah!”, say the bus driver. “She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God.” The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. “I am God,” he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. “Have sex with me.” The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. ‘God’ agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. “Ha-ha,” he cries. “I’m the hippie!” “Ha-ha,” cries the nun. “I’m the bus driver !”
What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with... The other is used to carry groceries.
AT LAST... After 60 years of intensive research, staff at the Centre for Strategic Military Studies, have finally determined why Germany lost World War 2...
SCHOOL
1970 vs. 2010
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school. 1970 - Crowd gathers. Johnny wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best mates for life. 2010 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Mark started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs Scenario: Robbie won’t Keep still in class, disrupts other students. 1970 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Headmasterl. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie’s parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability. Scenario : Billy breaks a window in his neighbour’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
The Pope v The Rabbi Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they’d have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a ‘silent’ debate. On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy. Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, ‘First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. ‘Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. ‘I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. ‘He bettered me at every move and I could not continue.’ Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he’d won. ‘I haven’t a clue’ the rabbi said. ‘First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. ‘Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.’ ‘And then what?’ asked a woman. ‘Who knows?’ said the rabbi. ‘He took out his lunch so I took out mine.’
1970 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 20010 - Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Government psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Scenario : Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school. 1970 - Mark gets glass of water from Teacher to take aspirin with. 2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario : Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Guy Fawkes, puts them in a model airfix paint bottle, blows up an ant’s nest. 1970 - Ants die. 2010- Police, Armed Forces, & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, MI5 investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario : Johnny falls while running during break and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him. 1970 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
at a restuarante near you
Michelangelo’s David visits the USA
Customer: Waiter, what's your name? Waiter: George, but everyone calls me pool cue. Customer: Why do they call you that? Waiter: Because I work much better with a tip.
Waiter: Are you the filleted mackerel, sir? Customer: No, I'm the lonely sole with an empty plaice waiting for someone to fillet.
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Angry Customer: You're not fit to serve a pig. Waiter: I'm doing my best sir.
Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British. Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
A guy goes into a restaurant / lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in ... Just don't start anything."
A London bond trader parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he’s getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off. More than a little distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: ‘My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it’s at the panel beaters it’ll simply never be the same again!’ After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. ‘I can’t believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,’ he says. ‘You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else in your life.’ ‘How can you say such a thing at a time like this?’ sobs the Porsche owner. The policeman replies, ‘Didn’t you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.’ The banker looks down in horror. ‘BLEEDING HELL!’ he screams........’Where’s my Rolex????....
A SPANISH Teacher was ex-
plaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (THIS GETS BETTER!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('elcomputador'), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won. (again)
Europe English The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, ‘What a great chest you have!’ He tells her, ‘That’s 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.’ He takes off his pants and the blonde says, ‘What massive calves you have!’ The body builder tells her, ‘That’s 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby.’ He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran Out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, : I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!
20 Zens...part two 6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. 8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you. 9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Te a c h h i m h o w t o f i s h , and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
Five rules for men to follow for a happy life 1. It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh. 3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you. 4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It’s very, very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
RETIREMENT BONUS
So what have we learnt in 2,055 years ? “The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance.” - Cicero - 55 BC ... Evidently nothing
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, ‘But we don’t know anything about each other.’ He said, ‘That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.’ So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, ‘That was incredible!’ He said, ‘I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along.’ So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, ‘That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?’ ‘No,’ she said, ‘I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey!
The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000... The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with £96,000. The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, ‘From the tip of my penis to my testicles.’ It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop ‘em,’ which he did. The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief’s penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!’ he suddenly exclaimed, ‘Where are your testicles?’ The Old Chief calmly replied, ‘ The Falkland Islands’
JD QUIZ You are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? Answer: if you answered that you are first, and then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are in second place! Try to do better next time. Now answer the second question, but don’t take as much time as you took for the first question, ok? Second question: if you overtake the last person, then you are....? Answer: if you answered that you are second to last, and then you are..... Wrong again. Tell me sunshine, how can you overtake the last person?? You’re not very good at this, are you? Third question: v ery tricky arithmetic! Note: this must be done in your head only. Do not use paper and pencil or a calculator..try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20 .. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total? The correct answer..... Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100... If you don’t believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you’ll get the last question right.... Maybe... Fourth question: Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ??? 2. What is the name of the fifth daughter? Did you answer nunu? No! Of course it isn’t. Her name is Mary! Read the question again! Okay, now the bonus round, i.e., a final chance to redeem yourself: A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a Pair of sunglasses; how does he indicate what he wants? It’s really very simple he opens his mouth and asks for it... Does your employer actually pay you to think?? If so do not let them see your answers for this test!
The population of this country is approximately 60 million. 32 million are retired. That leaves 28 million to do the work.. There are 17 million in school or at Universities. Which leaves 11 million to do the work. Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government. Leaving 3 million to do the work. 1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan . Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work. Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work. At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit. Leaving 512,000 to do the work. Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are, Sitting on your arse, reading jokes. Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own?
A little girl asks her mum, ‘Mum, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block?’ Her mum replies ‘No, because she is on heat.’ ‘What does that mean?’ asked the child. ‘Go and ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.’ The little girl goes out to the garage and says, ‘Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.’ He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said ‘Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.’ The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.. Surprised, Dad asked, ‘Where’s Lulu?’ The little girl said, ‘She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.’
STORMIN’ NORM’ In a recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was classic Schwarzkopf. The General said : “I believe that forgiving them is God’s function. OUR job is to arrange the meeting”
‘aving a laugh...?! Lesson 1: ent Course naagem e Ma nut lift. 5 Mi d a Nun t offere A pries
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. She got in and crossed her legs, The priest nearly had an accident. slid his hand up her leg... After controlling the car, he stealthily 129?’ Psalm mber The nun said, ‘Father, reme ging gears, he let his hand chan But, . hand his ved remo t The pries once again said, ‘Father, rememslide up her leg again. The nun ber Psalm 129?’ r but the flesh is weak.’ The priest apologized ‘Sorry siste d heavily and went on her sighe nun the ent, conv the at ing Arriv way. t rushed to look up Psalm On his arrival at the church, the pries r up, you will find glory.’ furthe , seek and forth 129. It said, ‘Go Moral of the story: job, you might miss a great If you are not well informed in your opportunity.
Dear Sir, On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought, ‘What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?’ Mike.
5 Minute Manag ement Course Lesson 2:
A sales rep, an adminis tration clerk, and the ma nager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Gen ie comes out. The Gen ie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’ ‘Me first! Me first!’ say s the admin clerk... ‘I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a spe edboat, without a care in the world.’ Poof! She’s gone. ‘Me next! Me next!’ say s the sales rep. ‘I wan t to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masse use, an endless supply of Pina Colada s, and the love of my life. ’ Poof! He’s gone. ‘OK, you’re up,’ the Gen ie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’ Moral of the story: Always let your boss hav e the first say.
Some sod’s just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.
‘please send clothes for all those poor ladies on... granddad's computer. Amen!’
Breaking News: The UN has said that if they capture Gaddafi they will put him where he can do no harm to anyone - up front for Sheffield United The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster and ten hens... ...which he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up... "No, no" he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up. "No, no" he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up. "No, no" he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?" ' Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. The priest fainted.
Amen..
LIFE IS SHORT, BREAK T E RULH ES...
THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?' The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.' The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?' The Aussie said 'One!' The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?' '£124,237.64p.' The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?' 'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.' 'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.' 'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4 x 4?' 'No, no, no... He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... ' Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
“Experts have warned that it could take years of work by experienced professionals to clean up after the volcano. That’s why Mum’s gone to Iceland.”
Funny how some one here Blow their top over nothing. I woke up this morning to find every surface in the house covered in a layer of dust and a foul stench of sulphur in the air. No change there then, I’ve been married to the bone idle slob for 20 years.
Q:What’s the difference between the Iceland Volcano and Cheryl Cole? A: The Volcano is still blowing Ash.
FA cup final prediction Ash-ley Coal scores the winner against Pompeii..
the It was of the h last wis conomy dic e Icelan s be s ashe that it er v o d sprea . e Europ
I see that America has declared war on Iceland. Appa rently they are accu sing them of harb ouring a “weapon of ash eruption”.
The n an Unio Europe ked for as actually eir alphaut th b , h s a de c sn’t inclu bet doe er C. the lett
Fir Icela st bank nd goes r upt, t sets itself hen it o That ’s an n fire. insu ance scam r!
The Gerine Lufman airl s id it plan thansa sa ghts. e some fli to resum there are so ly Apparent France mans in many Ger w that the right no t vernmen French go red surrende
Sky News: rvices Emergency se could ey th id ra af were torrent a by be swamped lieve be I ” e. ic of melted rm te is the technical ”. “water Your mum’s so she fat when ted a m re c t go ban to d a they h from s e n la p ll a r flying ove europe.
Welcome to Iceland. We’re currently doing a bit of construction – please pardon the dust.
tuUnfor nks tha , ly e t na ods, er Wo be to Tig n a c gin no vir o throw t d n fou lanhe Ice into t lcano o v ic d
“The volcanic ash from Iceland disrupted air travel all over Europe. Everything’s grounded. Commercial flights. Private jets. The only thing still flying — Toyotas.”
It was the last wish of the Icelandic economy that its ashes were spread all over Europe.
There’s no volcano in Iceland. Chuck Norris is just having a barbecue.
Q: What the a did ir say to plane the v olca A: Sh no? ut up ash-h , you ole
BBC News “Europe faces prolonged air chaos”… Ermmm, how can there be air chaos when we are all stuck on the ground.
I think it’s too soon to make jokes about the Icelandic volcano… we should at least wait until the dust settles
An eruption in Katla (the volcano next to Eyjafjallajökull) will be a lot harder on everyone, except on those who have to pronounce it.
The agains odds a bom t there bein b on a g a milli plane o two bo n to one. A are gainst mbs, th million e odds m a time y illion to one re a ou fly, . take a Next and cu bomb t the o Benny dds. — Hill
PUZZLES ‘No, no Iceland , no send us . We said all your cash’
Eyjafjallajö – nam kull e the pe d when rs about on writing it fell on the asleep ir keyboard .
Icelandic Volc thoug ano? I ht th e was comin dust g fro Man m Cit phy c y’s troabine t!
Solitions
from page 19
Easy Soduku
Hard Soduku
Wordoku
Volcan in Icela o nd… What n Earthq ext uake Asda? in Crossword 1
On one particular flight the pilot had hammered his plane into the Alicante runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a “Thanks for flying Difficult Jet airline.” In light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed. Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked conspiratorially, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no Ma’am, what is it?” Did we land or were we shot down?”
Crossword 2
or the jokers...by the jokers
Tales from the campo... Light travels more quickly than sound, which is why some people appear to be bright until you finally hear them speak.
How many paranoid people does it take to change a light bulb? OMG! Who wants to know!? Who's asking questions!?
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, and another two change it right back again. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. But the light bulb must REALLY want to change. How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? One. All it takes is one to get under your feet and cause you to trip as you're changing it.
What is long, hard, and full of seamen? A submarine
With the same old new jokes we’re th carrying on the Campo tradition wi inlots of fun...all tucked rather neatly side The Jungle Drums...
Come on in...and ’ave a laugh! An optimist is an individual who falls off the top of the Empire State Building and says, after fifty floors, “So far, so good!” The word “politics” is made up of “poli”, which is Latin for “many”, and “tics”, as in “bloodsucking insects.” Isn't Disneyland a trap for people run by a mouse? If everything seems to be going well in life, you’re probably
Have you heard about the new “Divorce Barbie”? It comes complete with all of Ken's stuff.
overlooking something.
oooooaaaar
Why is that whenever something is transported by car, it's called a “shipment”, but when something is transported by ship, it's called “cargo”? A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder. A mans car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow. Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story."Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied."Oh! I wouldnt listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesnt know a thing about cars."
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once." A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice." After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."...... The farmer said, "That's once."
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theatre followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye."
MEN ARE LIKE
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
A man once asked God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God answered: "So you would love her." "But God," the man asked, "Why did you make her so dumb?" God replied: "So she would love a wanker like you."
WELL HUNG
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Blenders. You need one, but you’re not quite sure why. ... Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips. ... Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long. ... Commercials. You can’t believe a word they say. ... Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory. ... Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. ... Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it. ... Curling Irons. They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair. ... Government Bonds. They take way too long to mature. ... Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. ... Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. ... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. ... Parking Spots. The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small. ... Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while. ... Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
There were 11 people hanging on to a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one woman. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech on how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men. ……All of the men started clapping. Top 10 things men know about women: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10
One day God called Adam to him and said: "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?" "The good news," replied Adam. "Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain." "OK.." said Adam warily. "And what's the bad news?" "I only gave you enough blood to oper ate one at time. Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? A: They already have boyfriends A. What's the difference between a hedgehog and a fancy sports car? Q. The hedgehog has pricks on the outside.
Priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available. Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed. Nun: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. Priest: You're probably right... get up and get your own blanket.
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be 3,500 euros for small one, 6,500 euros for medium, and 14,000 euros for large. The man was sure he wanted a large,but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather have a new kitchen."
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes. Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. Did you hear the one about the baby that was born in New York? It was half male and half female. It ws born with a penis and a brain.
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris? Most men have no trouble finding a bar. What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what? Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A: It changes their blood type.
THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE TO BE ENJOYED BY All PARTIES! While walking down the street one day a “Member of Parliament” is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. ‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter.. ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’ ‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the man. ‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.’ ‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the MP. ‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’ And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. ‘Now it’s time to visit heaven.’ So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. ‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’ The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’ So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the MP. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?’ The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning... ... Today you voted.’
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “how do you determine whether or not a retiree should be put in an old age home?” “Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the retiree and ask him or her to empty the bathtub” “Oh, I understand,” I said. “a normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup”(stupid!). “No” he said. “a normal person would pull the plug - do you want a bed near the window?”
Perfect Brian
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels She asked ‘’What’s on TV?’’ I said ‘’dust.’’ And then the fight started. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘’I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.’’ I bought her a set of bathroom scales. And then the fight started. After retiring I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I told the woman that I was sorry but I would have to go home to fetch it. She said, ‘’ Unbutton your shirt’’. So I opened my shirt revealing my silvery chest of hair. She said, ‘’ That’s proof enough for me’’, and processed my application. When I got home I told my wife what had happened, then she said, ‘’ You should have dropped your pants, you might have got disability too’’. And then the fight started. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat at a nearby table My wife asked, ‘’Do you know her?’’. I said ‘’Yes, she’s my old girl friend. I heard she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and hasn’t been sober since’’. ‘’My God!’’, said my wife, ‘’Who would have thought a person could go on celebrating that long?’’. And then the fight started. I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know sometimes you just get so stressed and little things seem funny. Yeah well I couldn’t believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and shouted, ‘’I AM NOT HAPPY!’’. So I looked down on him and said, ‘’Well which one are you then?’’ And then the fight started. My wife and I were watching ‘’Who wants to be a millionaire’’ while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘’Do you want to have sex?’’. ‘’No ‘’, she answered. I then said ‘’Is that your final answer?’’. She didn’t even look at me this time simply saying, ‘’Yes’’. So I said, ‘’ Then I’d like to phone a friend.’’ And then the fight started.
Q. Why do women have breasts? A. So men will talk to them.
I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
Marriage Humor Wife: ‘What are you doing?’ Husband: Nothing. Wife: ‘Nothing...? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’ Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiry date.’ Wife : ‘Do you want dinner?’
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, “Perfect timing. You’re just like “Brian! Passenger: “Who?” Cabbie: “Brian Perfect. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time.”
Husband: ‘Sure! What are my choices?’
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Wife: ‘Yes or no.’
Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’
Cabbie: “Not Brian . He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Girl: ‘We ll that’s because we aren’t married yet.’
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Son: ‘Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian , he could do everything right.”
Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’
Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’ Son: ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap..’ A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’ ‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’ A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’ He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humor!’ Husbands are husbands A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. ‘What was that for?’ the man asked. The wife replied ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’. The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on’. The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. The wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’.
Passenger: “Wow. Some guy then.” Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Perfect.” Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?” Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I’m married to his bloody “widow”
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.” She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?” A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.
Tales from the campo...
Ugliest Kid Ever
I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a policman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the policeman , reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this Little Johnny goes to school, and tissue, and here's a banana the teacher says, 'Today we are for the chimp
going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multisyllable word?' Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!' Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.' Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
The Neighbour's Kid An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of roll in his hand. Old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape." Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back, "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by going home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says, "It's a pussy willow." Old man says, "Wait up!.... I'll get my hat."
A little boy runs into his house and asks, ?Mum, can little girs have babies?? The mum answers, ?No, of course not.? The little boy runs outside, yelling, ?It's ok, we can play the game again!?
A country doctor went way out to Pinoso to deliver a baby.It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby." Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"
TALKING TRIPLETS
There were three babies in a woman’s womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up. The first one said “I wanna be a plumber.” The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, “So I can fix the pipes in here, it’s kinda leaky.” The second one said “I wanna be an electrician.” The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, “so I can get some lights in here, its dark!” The third one said, “I wanna be a boxer.” The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, “Why in God’s name do you want to be a boxer?”
He replied, “So,” he said proudly, “I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us
la marina beach A mother and father took their 6 year old son to the nudist’s beach at La Marina As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the sea but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
re o m
Tales from the campo...
For the jokers...by the jokers
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’ The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’ The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’ ‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’ The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’ The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’ The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens!’
Why don't women need a watch? There's a clock on the stove. Why do they call it PMT? Cause mad cow disease was already taken.
Why did the woman cross the road? It doesnt matter, why was she out of the kitchen in the first place
Q. Why do women have breasts? A. So men will talk to them.
THE WOMAN POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who’s not a creep. One who’s handsome, smart, and strong. One who loves to listen long. One who thinks before he speaks. One who’ll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he’s rich and self-employed, And when I spend, won’t be annoyed. Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand. Oh, send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean. I pray this man will love no other. And relish visits with my mother. If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say it’s not quite as good as his mother’s then adopt a dog. If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want ...then adopt a dog. If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn’t care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies ...then adopt a dog. If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores ..then adopt a dog ! If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn’t care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually ... ..then adopt a dog. BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness .., ....then adopt a cat! Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say... marry a man, didn’t you? Okay, Okay, it *finally* all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before: MENtal illness MENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause GUYnocologist . AND ..... When we have REAL trouble, it’s a HISterectomy. Ever notice how all of the female problems start with MALES???
Bert and Agnes are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary in La Marina. Bert says to Agnes, "Agnes, I was wondering have you ever cheated on me?" Agnes replies, "Oh Bert, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Agnes, I really want to know. Please..." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..." "Three? Well, when were they?" he asked. "Well, Bert, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank manager himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Agnes, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?" "Well, Bert, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation in Elche Hospital, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Martinez came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it! Agnes, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?" "Well, Bert, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be captain of the golf society and you were 17 votes short...?" There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!” Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
The Female Stages of Life Favorite drink: Age 17: Wine Coolers Age 25: White wine Age 35: Red wine Age 48: Dom Perignon Age 66: Shot of Jack with a chaser Excuses for refusing dates: 17: Need to wash my hair 25: Need to wash and condition my hair 35: Need to colour my hair 48: Need to have Francois color my hair 66: Need to have Francois color my wig Favorite sport: 17: Shopping 25: Shopping 35: Shopping 48: Shopping 66: Shopping Definition of successful date: 17: "Burger King" 25: "Free meal" 35: "A diamond" 48: "A bigger diamond" 66: "Home Alone" Favorite fantasy: 17: tall, dark and handsome 25: tall, dark and handsome with money 35: tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain 48: a man with hair (preferably not on back) 66: a man Ideal date: 17: He offers to pay 25: He pays 35: He cooks breakfast the next morning 48: He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 66: He can chew breakfast
After his divorce Mr. Jones realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in- law. One holding hands and ends with evening, while still deep in the jungle, a staggering financial loss. the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
A man and woman were lying in bed one night and the woman said to the man, "I sure wish I had bigger tits." Well the man responded by saying she should rub toilet paper all over them. The woman looked at him and said "Toilet paper, what will that do?" The man said, "I don't know, but look what it's done for your backside."
Throughout our marriage, my wife has always stood by my side. She had to. We’ve only got one chair. I was showing my wife this one. I said, ‘Look at this dear.’ I always call her dear. She’s got antlers growing out of the side of her head. I was woken up this morning by a tap on the door.
I must remember to get the plumber to take it off. There have been times that I have known disappointment, even despair. The public never realised because I was laughing on the outside while I was crying on the inside. Very dangerous that - you could easily drown. A man walked into a bar. Ouch.......
At the Royal Command Performance 1964, Tommy Cooper walks on stage with a heater he says, ‘They told me to go out and warm the crowd up.’ A woman told her doctor, ‘I’ve got a bad back.’ The doctor said, ‘It’s old age.’ The woman said, ‘I want a second opinion.’ The doctor says, ‘OK. You’re ugly as well.’
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes’ wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. “What d’ya want me to do, Doctor?” “Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!” the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. “Mike, you’re the proud father of a fine strapping boy.” “Saints be praised, I...” Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, “Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike.” Soon the doctor delivers the next child. “You’ve a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter.”
20 Zens...part four
“Thanks be to...” Again the Doctor cuts in, “Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!” Soon the Doctor delivers a third
16. There are two excellent
child. The doctor
en. Neither one works
“Doctor,” asks Mike, “Do you think it’s the light that’s
theories for arguing with wom-
holds up the baby for Mike’s inspection.
17. Generally speaking, you
attracting them?”
aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse
....... then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circum-
stances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
20 Zens...part three 11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen. 13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment. 15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Bacon Tree Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says... “Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”
Grey Matters
“Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. “
1- Find the C below.. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below. 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 3 - Now find the N below. It’s a little more difficult. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, your brain is great and you’re far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pork. “Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.” “Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don’ forget.” “Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.” And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, “Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree! “ “Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? “ “Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree... Ees... Ees... Ees... Ees... Ees a ham bush...”
ADIOS!! Unfortunately ‘Campo’ has been unable to survive the recession. Developments, completely beyond our control, have meant that overnight we have had to ‘pull the plug’ on our popular magazine. Because events happened so quickly it was impossible to publish a final ‘farewell’ edition. We would like to express our appreciation to ‘Jungle Drums’ who have gracefully allowed us the space to credit everyone who has been involved with Campo over the past six years: our readers, advertisers, sales team, distributors and and designers: you were part of a unique publishing experience. We are pleased that for the past seventy five months we have brought a smile to thousands of faces. We’ve made people laugh and hopefully helped people through some troubled times.
Peter
We’ve got to thank Anne Robinson for this one ….. Who thinks a Tandoori is a brown door?
NERVOUS..? …WELL IT WAS A bit PARKY…
The TV cameras of Benidorm’s TVCostas came down to Santa Pola last month to record an interview with Dave Bull about his new book It Just Is… Grilled (sort of) by Sales and Marketing director of MASA international, Paul Payne, Dave explained his reasons for writing the book and why expats or anyone interested in Spain will find it a must read. TVCostas, based in Benidorm but covering the whole of the Costa Blanca and beyond are the premier British TV company in Benidorm and can often be seen filming on the streets of the popular resort. Since starting the company in 2010, Paul Blake, Lynn Grigg along with recent team member - sound engineer and editor, Bradley Cullen – have built up a huge video library of life in Spain (especially this region) which captures perfectly the wonderful and sometimes strange country we live in. See Dave Bull’s interview on our website or go to: http://vimeopro. com/tvcostas/videos#/ video/33771646
IT´S ABOUT TIME HE GOT IT OUT..... Dave Bull’s first book about life made simple (not) as an expat in Spain! It just Is… We’ve all said it about what goes on in Spain, either within the expat community itself or maybe the Spanish behaving in a way that perhaps were unaccustomed to, but I’ve heard it numerous times, and I’m sure you have to, ‘Someone should write a book about this!’ so I have… There’s so much interesting stuff (and the odd disaster) that goes on in Spain and we never get to hear about most of it, either because it’s only witnessed by a small number or the press just can’t dedicate the space to it. For a long time now I’ve been wanting to record some of those precious, and memorable (not always for the right reasons…), moments and tell the story of life as an expat in Spain…my story. You see, things seem to hap
neighbours, friends or even your-
Blanca penning his experiences and
selves..?!
observations on living life as an expat
The book is a humorous look at how
in Spain.
we expats deal with life in Spain, and
Always from his own ‘different’ per-
indeed what the Spanish make of us!
spective, he publishes one of the most
Is Just Is… by Dave Bull is available
successful magazines on the Costa
Amazon in paperback and Kindle ver-
Blanca and has been the Editor of two
sion
regional expat newspapers.
Is Just Is… Also available in paper-
He’s clearly not professionally trained
back in numerous expat shops along
as a writer, but if you really have noth-
the Costa Blanca (please check our
ing better to do, have a read, (and a
website www.allabroad.es for a full list
laugh) about Dave’s experiences at the
of outlets or call 606 540 408)
hands of the Spanish - where he reveals, as ever, in his own unique style
‘If you’re thinking of buying a
just what some of us expats get up to
place abroad you must read It Just
in Spain which in Dave’s case included
Is… full of helpful advice and info’,
getting arrested, getting dumped
as well as a darn good laugh!’
(often) and having a blind date…with
Steve Hall. Founder. thisispain.info
an aunt… Having had his own radio shows and now touring
‘I can honestly say despite be-
with his ‘One Man Show’
ing a bookworm from a young
he is well known on the
age it’s been a while since
Costa Blanca and
a book held my interest,
fast becoming
couldn’t wait for a spare
a recognised
five minutes to read a bit more…’ Ginette Stride, Amazon buyer.
name throughout the expat community in Spain and
‘No mention of the 2008
beyond.
romance with a certain lady with a child maybe in the next book! Good read! Fantastic, we both loved it!’ Anthony Pitt, former Gran Alacant resident.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
pen to me. Sometimes good, sometimes great, often not, but always
Dave Bull has been
interesting. Whether it’s my great
living and working
Dane puppy legging it around the walls
in Spain since 2000.
of the lounge like a biker in a wall
Now a full-time
of death, or the Guardia turning up
writer he lives with
(twice) to arrest me or even the trail
his son, Mitch and
of disappointed women I’ve ;left in my
two dogs on
wake – that’s ‘disappointed’ because I
the Costa
turned up… For readers who have any connection to Spain at all you will be able to recognise some of the characters featured in It Just Is… and possibly your
WIN FREE FLIGHTS! SEE
Letters PAGE
ABOGADOS · BARRISTERS SOLICITORS · TAX ADVISORS s Peace of mind
AVAILABLE NOW!! on 965 480 737 / 606 056 282 info@pellicerheredia.com Amazon.co.uk
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3
des walk Two blon ilding into a bu ink at ... you’d th them f o e n least o seen e v a h ld wou it.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doc-
Phone answering machine message ... ‘If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.’
tor, I can’t feel my legs!’ The doctor replied, ‘I
I went to the butc the oth er day a her ’s nd I bet him 50 quid th at he couldn ’t reach th off the top she e meat lf. He said , ‘No, th e steak are too s high.’
know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off.’
Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says, ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.’
Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom, boom!
‘Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.’ ‘That’s the Tom Jones syndrome.’ ‘Is it common?’
end My fri d in a e drown muesli. f o l rant bow g cur n o r t . As n i him pulled
I went to a seafoo d disco last we ek ... an d pulled a musc le.
A guy goes into the doctor’s. ‘Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.’ ‘How’s that?’ ‘Don’t you start!’
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said, ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s not me so it’s either my Mum or my Dad, my older brother Colin or my younger brother HoCha-Chu. I think it’s Colin.
to the vet. ‘My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’ ‘Well,’ says the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him.’ So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks
‘It’s not unusual.’
in a os sitting Two Eskim hilly. re c kayak we craft fire in the a t li They g k, provin and it san t you for all tha d once an yak e your ka can’t hav it too. and heat
A man takes his Rotweiler
e buy som I went to u o tr ge camoufla other day e th rs e s ldn’t find but I cou any.
his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What, because he’s crosseyed?’ ‘No, because he’s really heavy.’
2 large plastic bags A little old lady was walking down the a street in La Zenia dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, “Madam, there are €20 bills falling out of your bag.”
,
“Oh, really? sod it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.” “Well, now, not so fast,” says the copper. “How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?” “Oh, no”, said the little old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to the Torrevieja football stadium parking lot. On match days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, ‘€20 or off it comes’.
am
or e, -
You tried your best and you failed miserably.
The lesson is ‘never try’...Homer (
Simpson)
LEAVING THE OFFICE EARLY Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss!! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. “No way”, the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday.”
Woman: “Doctor, I don’t
“Well, that seems only fair” laughs the cop. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
ed.
know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me
“Well, you know”, “not everybody pays”.
to a pulp.”
Doctor: “I have a real good
EXPERTS ARE WOR-
medicine for that. When
RIED ABOUT PRESIDENT
your husband comes home
OBAMA’S MENTAL STATE
drunk, just take a glass of
AFTER HE PLEDGED MIL-
sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth
LIONS OF DOLLARS OF AID
o ed
but don’t swallow. Just
TO NORTHERN IRELAND,
keep swishing and swishing
FOLLOWING THE TRAGEDY
until he passes out.”
OF HURRICANE HIGGINS.
JUST MARRIED
y
er.
e at ll,
Two weeks later the
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room
woman comes back to the
and the groom decides to let the bride know
doctor looking fresh and
where she stands right from the start of the
reborn.
marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw
Woman: “Doctor, that
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The bride replies, “I can’t wear your trousers.” He replies, “And don’t forget that! I will always
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, “Try those
time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn’t touch me!”
on!” He replies,”I can’t get into your knickers!”
Doctor: “You see how
“And you never bloody will if you don’t change
much keeping your mouth
your attitude.”
shut helps?”
m
IT COULD BE WORSE...
e
hing
ects.
0)
n (+8)
(+5)
with
+3)
face
(-15)
t rid
y
0)
no
dis-
at
Kids Are Quick
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find Alicante MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered Alicante ? A father passing by his son’s bedMaria. room was astonished to see that his CLASS: bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad.’ With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’ s not only the passion...Dad she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’ GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’ TEACHER: No, that’s wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O. TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘ MILLIE: I is... TEACHER: No, Millie..... Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact Always say, ‘I am.’ MILLIE: All right... ‘I am the that marijuana doesn’t really hurt ninth letter of the alphabet.’ anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and TEACHER: George Washington trading it with the other people that not only chopped down his live father’s cherry tree, but also nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t In the meantime we will pray that punish him? science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand... Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell how to take care of myself. me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? Someday I’m sure that we will be SIMON: No sir, I don’t have back to visit so that you can get to know to, my Mom is a good cook. your grandchildren. TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is Love, Your Son John exactly the same as your PS. Dad, none of the above is true. brother’s. Did you copy his? I’m over at Tommy’s house. CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a TEACHER: Harold, what do Report card that’s in my centre desk you call a person who keeps drawer. on talking when people are no I love you. longer interested? Call me when it’s safe to come HAROLD: A teacher home...
er Moth r io r e p Su nuns ll the aid to a d calle r and s u ell yo e the toge ‘I must t av h e , them ething. W a in the m he all so f gonorr y t.’ eo n s e a v c lderl a con an e tired d i a d,’ s ‘I’m so k Go . ‘Than the back nay.’ t d a r a o nun of ch
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. ‘Tie me up,’ she purred, ‘and you can do anything you want.’ So he tied her up and went golfing.
eis Mar riag onship a relati h one in whic ys is alwa person ther nd the o right, a band. is a hus
A ame an c ing her m o h w e re c way, and e, sc e hom the driv ouse. h to e and in h r t a c to door s, ran in ed the her lung e th mm top of n la o s s. I w She at the g a b ur ted shou , pack yo ery!’ h my tt ey lo n o id, ‘O I pack, a ‘H s and should uff?’ t husb t The ss! Wha untain s . id o e a m n s d r Goo h stuff o tter,’ she c a a t m e b t ou sn’t ‘Doe ‘Just ge
A Polish immigrant went to the DVLC to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters ‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’ ‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked. ‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’
, yFift s ago North as ear s, a n, w y e a e one Jam in m , th an unta y. ing n m i r It’s o d a He na m Arm ic tr are Fabio she oli y the n bas b. r r a e C day d b day i com barb Capello’s first fte a t dra s firs him Army nd manager ed gla En u as s i h ed he into the y is ed On issu oon t and he walks rm y ank n eA sees a large y d an s h er t t ow Arm after air. sh a t ntis h ay, . or. He goes poo on the flo him Tha ll his ond d rush my de b a sec ed r essing room to dr h e u f th t A f to s o straight too the y is his yers and asks a pla n e m th n O man rnoo eth. e Ar confront for the floor?” r e h on e g t *t t e t sh H t af “who’s kin his day, o f ter Crouch a Pe int o o h po T At which n l rs en third e v up and nd e e a ha e s sticks his th ap. has b 1 ye On k str 5 “yeah, but I’m y ys sa r c m o jo !” Ar nf good in the air The rma a He g in mak s egg was r e f e i i r , he f d f Aw o n e ly fast n. udd k e S a h e ore c . t d The E br . em e ki ban nce som o th will to ngland squ hus t n n r i at o i e t t ad y day v h u s n r r P d a u e is fo Africa UL! db om e ne n orp it a South RE ban REF g to !W hanag are h hus t MO e okin , ‘CA OW appy e e o d ; N i g c “ a W o to pu s e M e t r db E ’ the fa i e g u H a h t o a smil T ,’ ces goin !Is r! h! Y RN L eful e s r U U o w a T little h of ones w eon F eve g ‘C ith so are ope”s ARE my em! g! N E C h n h i t R . l aid th k O E urn our coo er! refu WH phans e orY! T ST y butt ! Ca sh! u’re o ICK MAN u LO orget t y go n yo T o e O S m y h O o h T ew ave ys f e r. O ng t f a H m i i e t o w ? o w t l g t Y a e bu The ten y’re RAZ you mor uC The R lis ow LT!’ o E n ? A y V k S R E TE Are HE You uN BUT ow up! T! T ! Yo em. ’t kn SAL urry FUL lt th E E H a R ! H s don T I m o d, CA t e E k . e t i h t e US him thin repl forg alt. Turn You d at mly l e ? e! s on’t r a m u h ’ c a D t I st yo e d? and hen . Us with min usb ew them rong he h eels lik T w ’ salt s ? f ld i ggs t it wor of e wha the ple you u n i o t w c a sho ing.’ ry a ‘Wh driv to f d to ante how w t s ‘I ju
Hmmmm.. A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair. Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it’s been eaten. It’s called a wedding cake. I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said “I love you.” She said “Is that you or the beer talking?” I replied “It’s me talking to the beer.” The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
PARDUN! A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband Could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.” That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.” Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Sue Honey, what’s for dinner?” No response.. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
NOW THERE’S A JOB! Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix” In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels” On a Plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed” On another Plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber” * On a Church’s Bill board: “7 days without God makes one weak” On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts” * In a Non-smoking Area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action” * On a Maternity Room door: “Push. Push. Push.” At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.” On a Taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff” On a Fence: “Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!” At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment” Outside a Car Exhaust Store: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming”
Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. In a Vets waiting room: “Honey, what’s for dinner?” “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!” Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her... “For gods sake Cathy, what’s for dinner?” (I just love this) “Stewart, for THE FIFTH time, CHICKEN!”
In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up” In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait” And don’t forget the sign at a RADIATOR SHOP: “Best place in town to take a leak”
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg”
Two friends are fishing
a thinks that I’m My girlfriend rlstalker. t exactly my gi Well, she’s no friend yet.
near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over
on my d e k c o n ing, hbour k My neig 30am this morn ?! m 2: t 2:30a a door at h t e v e l up beli was stil can you I m i h for Luckily agpipes. B y m g n playi
fat alcoholic hear about the
the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off
His mate turns to him and
with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
the nicest most respectful
Did you transvestite? k and o was eat, drin d to d te an w e All h be Mary.
says, “Dave, that’s one of things I’ve ever seen”
Spent £40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger. Just opened it and some gits sent me a magnifying glass!
Dave replies, “Well we were married for nearly 20 years”
Iw . nig oke m Screwfix o fr k c a b r that d a lette inform me gh ht t up I’ve just ha to d e tt e r g e r y e th . y las os o They said ating agenc d a G y ll a f tu t c a t in a they’re not at yno of G d th An old lady is being examth r s lor e m e f ta g in ia k ined by the doctor. y ick, I’m thin “M s n y sa n o h b o J A ” d r. o d He asks “Have you ever Labra t f ed ot ing of buying a ave “h k . ic o M been bedridden?” s i y sa a t” r a f th “F*** fra st ir She says “Yes, by my first many of the you seen how w id. I w lind” husband.” Wha a owners go b a s p ... bet t’s t ... s Wo ween he di e tri the On man Iron fferen Man calls 9 ? fie n 99 and says Ma ce oth e’s a “I think my na wife is sup er d. I n dead” dI is a er The operat he ro or sa n
ys how do yo He says “The u know? sex is the sa me but the ironing is building up !
r tru o and ctio th n. e
ins
OH DEAR... er eating, another couple’s house, and aft An elderly couple had dinner at t into the kitchen. the wives left the table and wen t out and one said, ‘Last night we wen The two gentlemen were talking, it very really great... I would recommend to a new restaurant and it was highly.’ name of the restaurant?’ The other man said, ‘What is the e of t and finally said, ‘What is the nam The first man thought and though you love? that flower you give to someone has thorns.’ You know... The one that’s red and ‘Do you mean a rose?’ kitchen man. He then turned towards the ‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the last e of that restaurant we went to and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the nam night?’
n
g to my I was explainin that when wife last night t reincaryou die you ge come back nated but must reature. as a different c uld like to She said “I wo cow.” come back as a obviously I said “You’re ening.” not bloody list
THE BOLNDE JOKE... After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, “Well, then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!” The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, “Well, little lady, why don’t you go on and give it a try?” The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.
army for the last 300 years.
Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration
levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was
“SHIT! THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT, TOO!”
factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
Man is a woman’s best friend.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels that she’s the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.” The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.” Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels . The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old
No wait...... sorry....... I’m thinking of wine. It’s wine that does all that. Sorry.
Spanish navy. Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level. John Cleese
FACTS A day without sunshine is night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
An elderly gentleman...
ghs last, He who lau est. thinks slow
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was
m cept fro x e , le b a is inevit Change s. e machin vending young as you feel
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
cteria. Support ba nly culture o e h t e ’r y e Th le have. some peop erely anger m is n io s s e Depr usiasm. without enth
able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that
as
allowed the gentleman to
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement home were sitting on a
hear 100%
bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m
just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’ ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’ ‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
OH DEAR... er eating, another couple’s house, and aft An elderly couple had dinner at t into the kitchen. the wives left the table and wen t out and one said, ‘Last night we wen The two gentlemen were talking, it very really great... I would recommend to a new restaurant and it was highly.’ name of the restaurant?’ The other man said, ‘What is the e of t and finally said, ‘What is the nam The first man thought and though you love? that flower you give to someone has thorns.’ You know... The one that’s red and ‘Do you mean a rose?’ kitchen man. He then turned towards the ‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the last e of that restaurant we went to and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the nam night?’
the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my fam-
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’
A clear con science is u sually the sign of a ba d memory.
went back in a month to
hear again..’
Slim says,
d may The early bir , but the get the worm e gets the second mous e trap. cheese in th
The elderly gentleman
ily yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’
Bartender, I’ll have a Bin Laden” “What’s that?” “Two shots and a splash of water...” innk about...
Something to th
body cares, try If you think no . le of payments missing a coup the speed of OK, so what’s dark? g is coming When everythin e in the wrong your way, you’r lane. s off in the fuHard work pay pays off now. ture. Laziness
ON PICKING AS THE FELL One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- Shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’ ‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’ He yelled back, ‘Liverpool ‘ And they say blondes are dumb... A couple lying in bed. The man says, ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.’ The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you...’ ‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ‘honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’ ‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied. Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumour A man and his wife, now in their 60’s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy! Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death. Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practising to be men. Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy. Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe. Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder ‘Instruction Manuals’
fore e b e i d i Hope ! i get old.. Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. ‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’ A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember… Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks. ‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’ ‘Sure..’ ‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.. ‘No, I can remember it.’ ‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’ He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’ ‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks. Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!’ Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. ‘Where’s my toast ?’
e out walking. Three old guys ar indy, isn’t it?’ First one says, ‘W !’ ‘No, it’s Thursday Second one says, ta o am I. Let’s go ge Third one says, ‘S beer..’
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens…. Bob Hope
'Holy Trinity'
'Respect'
The Holy Ghost, Jesus and God decide
Paddy and Sean were on the 8th green by the road at Ro-
to have a day off and play golf. Holy
manby golf club when a funeral cortege passed by as they
Ghost steps on the tee with his silver
were about to play. Paddy removed his cap bowed his head
driver, puts his silver ball on a silver tee and creams his drive 300yds. down the middle of the fairway. Jesus then gets on the tee with his golden driver, puts a gold ball on a gold tee and does the
The police
are called to
a house and find a woman holding a golf club and
and stood in reverence as the cortege passed by.
standing over a blugend
Sean remarked to Paddy as the procession passed, I didn’t
male on the floor, the police
know you were that religious Paddy??
ask is that your husband?
I’m not replied Paddy but I lived with her for 36 years so you
yes she says, then they ask
have to show a little respect, dont you.
is he dead? yes she replies, then they ask is that a 5
same as the Holy Ghost. God pulls his
iron you hit him with? yes
worn and battered old wooden driver
she replies, then they ask
from his bag, steps on the tee and puts
how many times did you
a dirty, cut and scored ball on a broken
hit him? she replies maybe
wooden tee. He takes a mighty heave
4,5,6,7,8 times she replies,
at the ball and slices it. Just then, an
oh bugger it put me down
Eagle was flying by and caught the
for a 6 she says
ball in it's beak and carried it towards the green, and dropped it 20 foot from
A man’s alarm goes off at 5.00am He casually whispers into his wife’s ear – “intercourse or golf course?” His wife does not flinch an inch when replying – “don’t forget your sweater.”
the pin, whereupon a Hedgehog then pushed it with it's nose into the hole. Jesus then turned to God and said "Aw c'mon Dad it's only a !&*%^$£ friendly game!!!
One day, a scotsman went playing golf. After standing a while on the green he asked the boy standing Someone died playing golf... Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful!"she said, to which Fred replied "You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry." Four men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every Sunday morning, until one of them passed away. The other three asked the club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out the foursome again. "No problem," answered the pro. "But, you have to understand," one of the guys, named George, explained, "that Moe, who died, was like our eyes. We're all getting some cataracts, and have trouble seeing the ball. Moe's eyesight was perfect, and he was our spotter." The pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others returned the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient looking gentleman, named Bert. "How old are you?" George asked. "I'm ninety-four," Bert responded. "Fabulous," said George. "But how's your eyesight?" At this, Bert blew up. "Don't insult my eyes," he yelled. "I may be old, but I've got 20-20 vision. I have eyes like an eagle. Don't insult me!" "Okay, okay," the others said. "Let's play golf." George was first on the tee, and he hit a long, low drive, that faded significantly after about 200 yards. He turned to Bert. "Did you see where it went?" he asked the ancient one. "Did I see where it went? I told you not to insult my eyesight. Of course, I saw where it went. I've got eyes like an eagle!" Bert yelled. "Okay, I'm sorry," said George. "Where did it go?" Bert dropped his head, and muttered, "Sorry,I forgot."
beside him: "You are my caddie for today?" "Yes," answered the boy. "You are good in finding lost balls?" "Oh yes, I find every lost ball!" "Okay, boy, then run and search for one, then we can start!" 1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART. 2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP. 3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! . 4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING. 5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER. 6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE. 7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, PLEASE LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU. 8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS. 9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING TO GO. 10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES. WELL DONE - NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.
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