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(No, we don’t make them, but Ryan is super nice and lets us use them)
This Week in Canada Mildly Interesting News from a Mildly Interesting Nation
5 Second Review:
Cocaine Just do some coke. Stop sitting there reading this article like a walrus. The sooner you put down the paper, the sooner you can go do a nice, frosty line with a buddy. See the border of this article? It’s the perfect width for cutting out, rolling up, and doing a line with! We’ve even included the little scissors to help illustrate that you can in fact cut out this article and do a line of coke with it. Remember: Cocaine isn’t all fun and games! An integral part of the Cocaine experience is doing a line off a stripper’s ass. Do you know any strippers? If you do, email partytime@weeklyenema.com with their name, phone number and medical history. Better yet, do you have any coke for sale? Email legal@weeklyenema.com!
Are Africanized honeybees in your backyard ruining your credit? See page 2 top left
if you only read one sheet of paper folded in half this week, make it
The Weekly Enema www.weeklyenema.com
Eugene, Oregon
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Want to have a slice of pizza or share a pitcher with our fearless and valiant staff? Our office hours are Saturday, May 31, 2:00pm – 4:30pm at Pegasus Pizza.
(That’s right, we’re going out on a limb and making fun of Canada)
From The Globe and Mail:
The death of a pedestrian on Tuesday has raised the question of how loud is too loud when it comes to listening to iPods and other personal music players. Isaiah Otieno, a 23-year-old student, was killed when he was struck and dragged by a helicopter that crashed to the ground as he was walking to the mailbox. Concern over safe use of headphones is growing.
Our Response:
WHAT THE FUCK?! I seriously want to just punch Canada in the face right now. A helicopter falls out of the sky and hits a pedestrian and we’re not reading about reformations to Canadian safety regulations but rather the maximum safe volume for iPods? Mr. Otieno didn’t hear the helicopter plummeting towards him, but that says more about him than the volume of his music. I’m able to crank my iPod to the max volume and still make out common sounds around me. Maybe I’m a mutant. I was in a car crash a few weeks ago while listening to the radio. Should I be suing the radio station? The DJ? The prostitute giving me road head?
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University Announces Merger with Local Prison To Solve Housing Crisis Yesterday the University of Oregon announced a plan to merge with the Lane County Correctional Facility, elegantly solving a housing problem that was threatening to bust the seam on its already over-sized pants.
The joint facility will house 507 incoming freshmen, taking the burden off the overstressed dormitory system. Each room already has its own toilet along with on-site dining, recreational and medical facilities. “We tossed around some other ideas – renting an apartment complex or using some space in the old hospital near campus – but using the jail just felt right,” President Frohnmayer, aka The FrohnBone, commented early Monday morning. Most University of Oregon students seem cautiously optimistic about the new living space. “I’m cautiously optimistic about it,” said Alex Kelsh, the only student we interviewed for this article. See MERGER p. 2 The new facilities will be far superior to older dorms.
“Sudoku Only” Version of the Daily Emerald Enjoys Huge Popularity There’s a new paper on campus, and it is already more popular than all the other publications put together. After conducting numerous focus groups on how students use their paper, publishers of The Oregon Daily Emerald decided to cut some content that was not connecting with the student body. “We found that students think the opinion pieces are trite, the sports unimportant and the news stale and boring,” said a source close to the Emerald. “We have also known for a long time that no one reads the classifieds or looks at the ads.” In a move that both cut production costs by over 95% and reflects what students are really using the paper for, the Emerald
now consists entirely of two sudoku puzzles on a business card-sized piece of paper. “We had to cut a lot, it’s true, but our mission has always been to do whatever it takes to keep getting printed, and I think we’ve stayed loyal to that,” said our source. Rumors are flying that a companion publication featuring just the crossword puzzle will be released beginning fall term of next year.
The new version better serves students’ needs.
The Enema Was There...
When Gutenberg First Printed the Bible No.
Our Mission The Weekly Enema is published by a couple guys and their friends. We don’t get any money, respect or furtive sexual encounters in the supply closet for doing this, so we are understandably bitter. The Weekly Enema contains only satire and parody, so if you even think about exhibiting moral outrage or taking legal action, then your parents probably didn’t love you enough. Just to be totally clear, we do not assert that anything in this rag comes anywhere close to the truth, facts, medical advice or even good writing. Before you hate, just remember that a whole mess of white dudes died and/or wrote boring documents so we could have the right to make cruel fun of you and your stupid face.
Staff Editor
Jackson Hager Publisher Kai Davis
n a move shocking long-time Christians, Johannes Gutenberg has decided to publish a printed version of the Bible. “It seemed like the right thing to do,” said Gutenberg. “We need to update this franchise and take it in a new direction,” he added while counting his huge stacks of money from corporate sponsors. Various religious communities have been in an uproar since Gutenberg announced that he would be making sweeping editorial changes to what the media is calling ‘The Gutenberg Bible.’ The concern is that these modifications will be at the whim of his financial sponsors and not respect the historic text. When asked about the proposed renaming of the ‘Reed’ Sea to the ‘Red’ Sea, The Vice President of Red Sea Lobster Hut said
MERGER, from p. 1
Students will be able to earn credit toward their degrees through participation in major-related seminars. Auto Theft (Engineering), Meth Production (Chemistry), and The Social Dynamics of Pimping (Business) will be offered during the first term. Additionally, students will be able to defer the costs of tuition and housing by participating in highway cleanup crews. “This seems like a natural step,”
“In these times of uncertainty, we want our customers to know that we can offer the same delicious buffet Moses enjoyed when they visit with their families. All we’re offering is continuity in the world. And a $11.99 All-You-CanEat Shellfish Shabbat Special.” Another proposed change would reframe the famous wine-into-water wedding scene to present Jesus transforming water into wine. When we asked Johannes Gutenberg about this change, he responded “Look, there isn’t anything stating that Jesus wasn’t a bit of a lush! I just don’t think that it’s fair to assume that he couldn’t have transformed the water into wine. We weren’t there! We don’t even know what Jesus actually looked like. Blond? Blue eyes? Have you seen the Palestinians of Bethlehem? Not one of them actually looks like that!” Jesus Christ could not take our phone calls, but promised to return soon.
Sheriff Burg Russer commented. “Have you seen these kids? We’re just giving them a head start. They’re gonna end up here anyway. The average inmate costs nearly $20,000 a year to keep in jail; the average student generates $12,000 of revenue. If we replace all of the prisoners with students, we will save the county over $12 million a year. It really is the perfect arrangement between the University and my department.”
Life Skills 101 Lesson 1: Getting Drunk
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Jackson Hager Web Master Kai Davis Staff
Crube Cuber
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Bapabooie
As far as we know, The Weekly Enema is printed on paper.
Step 1: Steal a prepaid debit card from a grocery checkout. Step 2: Open a tab at your least favorite bar with your unactivated, anonymous debit card. Step 3: Get drunk off your ass and make your escape.
City Unveils Underground Bus System – No One Notices By Crube Cuber A new subterranean bus route was unveiled this Friday afternoon at a Lane Transit District press conference. The route was introduced as an extension to the EmX rapid transit experiment that was placed on Franklin Blvd early last year. “People loved it when we put a bus where a light rail system should obviously go,” said LTD spokesman Andy Vorbara. “That’s why this year we are going underground to put a bus where a subway should be.” “The EmX was intended to be the first public transportion system in Eugene to have traffic light pre-emption,” Vorbara said. “Although that didn’t work out and it’s now impossible to turn left on most of Franklin Blvd, the construction of an overly-complicated and hideously expensive underground
bus system just seems to be the next logical step.” While the EmX rapid transit experiment has been very well received, Vorbara hopes to see even greater results from the upcoming addition. The system is scheduled to be fully operational by the year 2012 and is expected to alleviate some of the aboveground congestion in Eugene. While he admits this system is really “more of a novelty than a solution,” Vorbara wants to make it clear that this wouldn’t be possible if the previous bus-on-tracks program wasn’t such a huge success. The subterranean bus will cover a distance between the University campus and scenic downtown Glenwood. When criticized about having such a short route – just a half mile – Vorbara responded,
Heavenly Horoscopes with Sunflower Goldschmidt
Aquarius The Heavens tell me you might be tempted to drop your EMU food court paycheck on a handle of Hood River Gin and won’t be able to stop yourself from sending dozens of text messages to that ex of yours who totally said he still wanted to be friends but was definitely all over that skank at that party the other night and you just want to know are they dating or what. The stars tell me it’s a good time to suppress those impulses. There will be other nights for facebook stalking your ex. Do your homework instead. Pisces Pisces, Pisces, Pisces – the Heavens tell me you’re going to feel the need to seek out a little validation today at work, at home or with friends. It’s a sensitive, emotional time for you and you’re going to need some support and affection. My advice to you is this: peel yourself away from whatever shoulder you’re whimpering on and grow a pair. You best drop that needy shit before you get your weepy ass whupped, son. You feel me? Shit. Aries You are fit to burst with constructive energy today. According to the stars, a career in the entertainment industry is a strong possibility
right now. I hear the Silver Dollar Club is hiring. The stars give you an edge over any other applicant, and you have more talent in your little finger than any Thurston dropout has in their entire crackedout body. Taurus Today your heart is happy and your communication with young people is excellent. So blow off another dinner with your girlfriend for the multi-table beer pong championship where you will totally be dedicating each successful shot to your buddy’s super-hot little sister. You’re clearly in no danger of being misunderstood. Gemini Today you have an A+ attitude, you’re extremely well focused and you’ll even have the chance to make a new friend! In plain English, prepare to get more ass than you know what to do with. Boys, girls, farm animals, whatever sex parts you’re looking for, they will be thrust upon you with a vengeance. Better invest in some condoms, day-after pills, and liquid latex. Cancer Today is a day of charity and good deeds. You might even help someone without realizing it. Like,
“Eugene can only afford to waste a certain amount of money on a project like this and we are already stretched pretty thin as it is. Unfortunately, the budget only allows for the construction of a single lane, so either the bus engineer will need to drive backwards half the time or we’ll have to float the buses back up the Millrace on a barge.” When asked what he thought about such a system in Eugene, confused University Junior Alex Kelsh responded, “What?” “Eugene is ready for this” stated Vorbara when questioned about the necessity of an underground bus system. “I’m sick of hearing about how Eugene is just a big town. Those hot shots in Portland are going to see what a big city we really are when our fancy new bus-way system is finished late and over budget.”
say, that girl who sits behind you in your philosophy class. I bet she’s really a very honest, dedicated student who just gets a little scatterbrained sometimes and forgets a test she has the next morning. You understand. So if you could just tilt your scantron slightly to the right...Thanks. Leo Well, Leo, the Heavens tell me that your ability to put your experiences into words is evident today. Congratulations, Captain Obvious. You know how to talk about shit you’ve seen. We’re all very proud. Virgo Talk about a mandate from Heaven: I’ve been told to warn you, Virgo, that you’re going to have lots of free time starting today and you should undertake some kind of project to keep from becoming a lazy bum. The stars suggest growing your own herbs this summer. Apparently, the good smells have healing properties you should take advantage of. I fully agree. In fact, when your herbs are ready you should let me come over and smell them for myself. Besides, sharing is, like, way good karma. Libra The stars tell me you ought to just relax, Libra. It may be the end of the term with finals looming, but this is a horoscope. You know, a prediction of your future based on a bunch of giant rocks and balls of gas spinning through space?
You should obviously just do what some chick on her Macbook – I mean, uh, the Heavenly Bodies tell you to do. Scorpio Today you’re feeling extra motivated and unwilling to settle for anything less than the best. Boyfriend forget your three-month anniversary? Dump him with a text message! Professor give you a D on your midterm? Devastate his professional and personal life by accusing him of sexual harassment! Go for it, Scorpio! Today the stars have your back. Sagittarius Today you’re stress-free, motivated, healthy and your love life is finally what you’ve always dreamed of. You know what this means? Prepare for a shitstorm, starting tomorrow. You’ve reached the top and there ain’t nowhere to go but down. Treat today like it’s your last day on earth, because when you wake up tomorrow and realize how wrong everything suddenly is, you might just kill yourself. Capricorn Today you’re advised to be wary of the activities you engage in. For example, a well-executed, drug deal is a fantastic way to make a quick 200 dollars. However, a shady, poorly-planned drug deal is a great way to land your ass in jail. Use your common sense and today should be a good day.