DINO COMICS by Ryan North <qwantz.com>
Reduce
anorexic Sorority girl who evaporated into fine dust is “still kinda porky,” say friends
entire pantheon of greek gods commits mass suicide over shame of modern “greeks”
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Try not picking up the Daily Emerald for a few days. Admit it, you just read it for 15 minutes in class, do the puzzles then leave it on the chair and the next person who sees it is all like, “lame, someone did all the puzzles already.”
Virus Comix by Winston Rowntree <www.viruscomix.com>
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Greek Ed
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Eugene, Oregon
This Week: Join up with the boys and girls of Tau Wutang Enema (TWE) for a fun romp through kegs, pledges, hazing, bleached blondes, mascara, ketamine, plastic surgery, short skirts, long shorts, popped collars and walks of shame in this special look at extreme Greekiness.
My Near Brush With Death-by-Sorority By Hannah Belair There have been many nefarious cults throughout history – The Templars, The Aryan Brotherhood, Nickleback fans – but the most dangerous and widespread group of them all has gone unnoticed for too long. Widely known as “Sororities,” these groups suck victims into their cults, where they frequently engage in…um…does anyone know what they really do? Probably really mysterious, fucked up shit, that’s what. Being one of those strange females who actually prefers male compadres to female bitches, I cringe and/or regurgitate at the idea of living in a house full of girls. And these are not just any girls. As rumor has it, these are bleach-blonde, lipglossed, daddy-boughtit-and-I-got-it, heel-strutting monsters. Real winners. Somehow I found myself in a recruitment meeting, whispering prayers to all the deities I could remember to protect my humble ass during the ordeal ahead. I was nudged (or more accurately, unceremoniously shoved) into rushing at my dear mother’s request. As she put it, sororities create good resumés, life-long connections, and they have their own cooks (ok, so that last one had me interested). Also, she wanted me to be involved with “more engaging activities than bong hits and beer.”
Edu-Graphic: have you ever been fleetingly jealous of all the skanky ass frat guys get?
Sorry guys, but it’s nothing like this. Thanks mom. Why don’t you round out the conversation by telling me for the umpteenth time how long you were in labor with me? Being the wonderful, tolerant and allaround pinnacle-of-humanity type person that I am, I decided to give these girls the benefit of the doubt, disregard most the rumors and stereotypes, and give them a chance to prove themselves. After all, it couldn’t be as bad as all that, right? Right? See DEATH-BY-SORORITY p. 7
No
Yes
come on, you totally have
be ashamed
Free as in Software
Share a pitcher and a slice with our fearless and valiant staff! Friday, October 17, 5:00pm – 7:00pm at Pegasus Pizza. 790 East 14th Avenue Shout Outs: Samuel Alaimo birthday on Sep 29 (sorry!) To Kevin Kaufman, Brett Christopherson,Teigh Bowen and Elliot Nathan: Thank you for your service to the UO, we won’t forget!
Our Mission The Weekly Enema is published by a couple guys and their friends. We don’t get any money, respect or furtive sexual encounters in the supply closet for doing this, so we are understandably bitter. The Weekly Enema contains only satire and parody, so if you even think about exhibiting moral outrage or taking legal action, then your parents probably didn’t love you enough. Just to be totally clear, we do not assert that anything in this rag comes anywhere close to the truth, facts, medical advice or even good writing. Before you hate, just remember that a whole mess of white dudes died and/ or wrote boring documents so we could have the right to make cruel fun of you and your stupid face. Staff Editor Jackson Hager Publisher Kai Davis Design Jackson Hager Web Master Kai Davis Staff Crube Cuber Biggs Pender Emanon Veen Sunflower Goldschmidt Fake David Frohnmayer Dave’s Secretary at Work Hannah Belair MC EarlyBird B, J and C
Mention this sentence at your local Starbucks and receive a free strange look!
Senior Twitter Correspondent
DEATH-BY-SORORITY from pg. 1
Merlin Mann
As I read the handbook for pledge week, which contained more rules than a friggin’ FBI operation, I tried hard to think positive. Okay, so maybe sororities aren’t as bad as they seem. I mean, sure, supposedly they get their loaded parents to buy them mansions where they can get, well, loaded. But I mean hey, they say they do, like, a LOT of community service. My unsuccessful pros and cons list only got this far: Bad side: Pay close to $6,000 a year to sleep in a bunk bed in a room of screechy freshmen. Good side: Falling off the bunkbed could bring relief in the form of quick and painless death. Bad side: Living in what could be easily be called a “PMS commune.” Good side: Abundance of Mascara! Bad side: Not allowed to have alcohol, drugs or boys in the house (a.k.a supervised like a little bitch). Good side: Easy justification for throwing a temper tantrum when asked to do anything remotely difficult or “icky.” Clearly, the room full of Estrogen was causing my uterus to attempt to strangle my
<twitter.com/hotdogsladies> While I don’t personally believe an alien flew people to Earth on DC8s and invented human pain by bombing volcanos, I agree flying sucks. Short on time? Hand me two 20-dollar bills. I’ll keep one and summarize the self-help book of your choosing on the other. Win win. Days may come when I will look more like Ted Kaczynski than I do this morning; for the sake of my family, I hope that there are not. Sometimes, I do things that will harm my potential appeal to Oprah. It’s one metric that tells me when I’m on the right track. I’d save a couple hours a day if I just started stapling lobster rolls and Narragansets directly to my ass. I don’t get how “Beach Volleyball” is an Olympic sport, but “Pole Dancing,” “Foxy Boxing,” and “Flirty Laughing” aren’t. Probably sexism.
gegege Each time I enter a WalMart, I feel like I’m having joyless sex with America’s alcoholic mom. Again.
101
Life Skills
by Crube Cuber
Lesson 4a: How to Avoid a Spiked Drink Step 1: Don’t let your drink out of your sight, don’t accept drinks from strangers blah frickin’ blah blah. Ladies, you don’t need to read any further than this. Thanks for stopping by.
Lesson 4b: Alternatives to Spiking a Drink Option 1: Grind up a bunch of Roofies and feed them slowly into the air conditioning system. Prepare for an awesome everybody-passed-out-on-the-floor party. Option 2: Simply leave a big bowl of pills sitting out. Mix in crash-diet pills, ectasy, and RU-486 for a night that is sure to end your life as a non-imprisioned person. Option 3: If you are marginally attractive or just bored, spike your own drink and start praying.
Dave’s Secretary at Work
Strike One So I’m on the bus for some Goddamned reason and I am listening carefully to the conversation in front of me, held between this blowsy sulky girl who is clearly dominating the situation and her ‘boyfriend,’ a scrawny looking mess near tears. The following is almost verbatim. Scrawny mess: What do you mean you’ve cheated on me?! Blowsy girl: I cheated on you. Scrawny mess: (sniffling miserably) But.. But.. You cheated on me? Blowsy girl: (almost indignantly) Yes. Scrawny long?
mess:
brain. But it was so easy, so alluring. I felt a strange power sucking me into the vagina vortex, and suddenly the me I always though I was, was gone. My thoughts turned from my escape plan to my clothes. “Ehmygod, I can’t believe I’m wearing these jeans, they make me totally shapeless. I’m totally underdressed. Ahh!! Where did that girl get her boots! I NEED boots like that. They would go fabulously with my green jacket-OHMYGOD IT’S HAPPENING! AHHH, ok focus. Escape route. Just nod and smile when they’re talking. Find a happy place. IMAGINE THE WHOLE COMMENTATOR STAFF NAKED.” My desperate gambit to free myself from the sweet oblivion of sorority thinking had worked. The permanent mental scarring it had taken to break free seemed a small price to pay. I had had enough. I bolted for the door, and ran a good two miles back to my apartment, not stopping until I locked the door behind me. I thought about writing a list of things I would rather do than join a sorority, but none of the multi-hyphenate loathsome sexual practices I could imagine came close. Instead, I wrote this little story. Cause why join the enemy when you can make fun of them instead? Now that is a happy ending.
(tears forming) For how
Blowsy girl: (with a hint of satisfaction) About a year. Scrawny mess: (tears welling up) Ohhhhh noooo. Scrawny Mess pauses to reflect. The boy is a veritable distillery at this point and you can just tell some sort of ultimatum is coming. He masters his emotions and becomes very still. I am expecting him to get all Kung Fu on this girl. Instead, he turns to her, wipes the tears from his eyes and says: “Strike one, Nancy... Strike one.”
XKCD by Randall Munroe <www.xkcd.com>
gegege
Vegan Voyage So Jenn and I are driving through Michigan, which is kind of a dreary state and we stop in some small village or possibly boom town and look for food. There is no way in hell I’m going to find anything vegan so I throw in the towel and get prepared to eat a sweet glass of water and maybe a salad if I’m lucky. We go to the nearest place, which happens to be this completely ramshackle hut. A large sign advertising a 60-oz steak is peeling from above the door. There is some sort of grease pooling near my feet. Jenn and I walk in and it’s worse than I thought. A man who is surely a convicted felon is standing behind the bar, yelling obscenities at the cook, whose outrageously long mullet is sweeping over all the food. I step up to the plate and try my hand at conversation. “Do you have a menu?” “No menu.” I swing again “Okay, do you have anything that isn’t meat?” The cook in the back turns a bleary eye on me. “What does that kid want?” “He wants to know if we have anything that isn’t meat.” The cook turns to me “Yeah of course! We have faux-turkey and mock chicken, and we also have tofu scrambler!” This knocks me for a loop. Jenn and I order a bunch of food to go. As I walk out of the building the cook shouts out after me “Don’t forget you can order from us online!”
Coulda sworn she was 18?
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I Want You
To Write for the Weekly Enema Are you looking for a rewarding job with daily challenges, brilliant coworkers and monetary compensation? Well, the Emerald is always hiring... But if you’d rather spend your time working thanklessly for a no-account upstart humor paper, then we humbly suggest this one. The Weekly Enema is now accepting anyone for the following positions:
Interns!
You’re part of a fast-paced whirlwind of sex, reporting, and drugs best left to Hunter S. Thompson. Just Kidding! You’ll get us coffee, fold our papers, and dress up in a cow suit. It looks good on a resume, we promise. Plus we’ll let you change your title to whatever you want.
Writers!
You really do get to be part of a fast-paced whirlwind of sex, reporting, and drugs. Jokes aside, you’ll get to put your finger on the pulse of the Eugene community, gain journalistic experience, kick ass and chew bubble gum.
Email: Editor@WeeklyEnema.com • 541-728-0929 Slow Wave by Jesse Reklaw <www.slowwavecom>
The Enema Was There On October 29,1929
By MC EarlyBird NEW YORK - Mass riots broke out earlier today as the credit market choked and died on its own corpulence. Plummeting stock prices, which had started falling on Thursday, finally hit rock bottom as millions lost everything they owned thanks to their imaginary money disappearing. Meanwhile, dozens of banks were broken in to, their customers demanding money they thought still
existed. Unfortunately, all the money seems to have disappeared, not just in the United States, but globally. Britain and France both have reported a disappearance, while Germany has started making more to fill the hole. Our reports say that this has caused the wheelbarrow to replace the wallet in Deutschland. Lenin has been quoted as saying, “I told you so.” In order to fix this economic travesty, President Hoover has taken an official stance of: “Let’s see what happens.” Earlier in a press conference, the President said: “We need to see how bad this is going to get before we make any sort of decision. We don’t want to accidentally spend $700 billion right away with little or no oversight in what might turn out to be only a stop-gap measure.” When later questioned about the $700 billion figure, a spokesman for the Presi-
dent said, “We just wanted to choose a really large number.” The fact that that much money didn’t even exist in 1929 went unnoticed. On the street, things are starting to look grim. Millions here in New York are worried about their economic future, with banks foreclosing and millions being kicked out of their homes. The newly homeless seem unworried about interest rates or bailouts and more concerned with where their next meal will come from. In fashion news, “dirt” and “gutter filth” are two hot new Fall trends, and burlap is staging a surprise comeback. The President would like to remind us all that these are trying times, and that anything that may be done to help the country would be appreciated. This reporter thinks that printing more copies of The Weekly Enema would definitely be a step in the right direction.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Leo, your moon is off its orbit today. This might lead to increased anger and a strong temptation to quote The Godfather. Try to resist at least one of these annoying urges.
Sagittarius (November 22- December 21) Sagittarius, today your moon is bumping and grinding with some seriously celestial bodies. So go on, ask that cute girl out, and when she shoots you down remember I write this column after consulting a 5th of Jack.
Heavenly Horoscopes with Sunflower Goldschmidt Aries (March 21 -April 19) Your life has always resembled a movie, Aries. This week, shoot for Animal House over Mama Mia. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your lucky number for the week is ∆.
Gemini (May 21- June 21) Gemini, on her wedding day a blushing bride asked her mother what she should wear on her wedding night. Her mother replied “Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.” She then asked her best friend who replied “Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel.” Confused, she asked her Father what to make of this. “Daughter,” he said, “No matter what you wear, you’ll get fucked.” This week, Gemini, there’s no escaping. Cancer (June 22- July 22) Last night the cards give me a glimpse of your future, Cancer. Ten men with the same name, a man with a gun made of gold, and a James Bond marathon on TBS.
Virgo (August 23- September 22) Today is a day for trying new things, Virgo, so put on some pants, cover up your needle tracks, get out of bed and go to class. Libra (September 23- October 22) Libra, chances are you have had or about to have a birthday. Congratulations, my friend, you now are one year closer to being a responsible adult. Or dead. Speaking of which, McShane’s has $2 wells on Tuesdays, so why don’t we shoot for ‘Responsible Alcoholic’ instead of ‘Responsible Adult?’ Scorpio (October 23- November 21) Cue a mysterious person coming into your life, Scorpio. Just remember, there isn’t any harm in saying ‘No’ unless the question is: “Do you want a herpes vaccine?”
Capricorn (December 22- January 19) Whatever you do, don’t jump.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18) Jump, dude. Just fucking jump already. Pisces (February 19- March 20) Despite what you mother told you, there aren’t any other fish in the sea for your ugly ass. If today is your birthday: hahaha big Sombero!
This is not a student survival guide Warning: Serious Content
This is not a student survival guide. College isn’t something you survive; college is an experience and a journey. You survive a war, you experience college. With that in mind, let me pass on knowledge that I’ve collected in my years here. This is information I wish I had when I started. When you finish reading this you can give it to a friend or keep it, frame it, and put it in your memory box to pull out that one time you need that one bit of knowledge.
Finances: Open up a Remarkable Checking account at Oregon Community Credit Union. They offer the highest checking interest rate: 4.05% per year. Remarkable checking is great since they refund you 100% of ATM fees be it theirs or yours. There aren’t any restrictions on the account, you just have to sign up for e-statements (get them delivered by email, you’ll always be on top of your finances), log into their site once per month (again, make sure you aren’t over drafted or actually got paid), make one electronic deposit or withdraw (paying a bill through bill pay, receiving financial aid or work study pay through direct deposit), and make ten debit card transactions per month of ANY value. If you don’t fulfill these requirements each month, you earn .1% interest (the same amount most any other bank pays on a savings account). The worst that can happen if you don't meet these requirements every month? You just earn the normal interest rate. You can reach Oregon Community Credit Union at 541.687.2347
Credit Cards: Got a credit card? Check to make sure your interest rate isn’t in default because you missed a payment a few months ago. If you request a decrease in your rate and your account isn’t past due, delinquent, or carrying a lot of debt, they can lower your interest rate to the starting rate or even knock off
a few points. Keep track of when payments fall, how much is due and what the terms of the card are. Start a paper calendar or an electronic calendar on Google Calendars so you never miss another payment. Start auto paying the minimum balance through Oregon Community Credit Union or your bank of choice. Even if you plan on paying more, you can always make a second payment. Just get in the habit of keeping your balance low and getting that payment in on time. If you don't have a credit card or just picked one up, keep on top of the payments and don't use it like cash.
Sex: No matter what your personal stance on premarital sex is, get some condoms from the health center. I don’t care if you never plan on having sex, it’s better to have the condoms on hand just in case you, a friend, or a passerby decides to have sex and doesn’t have a condom. I’ve held a female friend’s hand while she had an abortion and a male friend’s hand while he went through an STD. They both are smart people, they just didn't use a condom. Sex doesn't have to scary or bad, it just should be smart and safe.
Safety: Be safe. Yeah, I know, ‘old people’ telling you to be safe at parties. I know the spiel and I don’t want to repeat it, but do try to avoid unsafe situations. If you are uncomfortable, you don’t feel safe, or you are high or drunk, call the Designated Drive Shuttle or Assault Prevention Shuttle at 541.346.RIDE(7433). Their commitment is to get you to home and safety and they have a ‘no questions asked’ policy.
Books: Only under rare circumstances or incredible need should you buy your school books at the University of Oregon book-
store. Don’t get me wrong, the UO Bookstore is great, but textbooks are very overpriced. Ebay has international editions of textbooks that have the exact same information, but are cheaper. Chegg.com and other sites offer ‘text book rental’ where you pay a small fee (generally $20-$40) and rent the book for a term. Amazon has used copies of text books amazingly cheap. Used book stores often have the books you need at a cheaper rate than the UO bookstore, but are quickly picked clean. Register for classes early and get the book list ASAP. You can also borrow a book from a friend, check the textbook out at the library, or see if there is a digital copy available.
Alcohol / Drugs: Have fun with it. Don’t drink and drive and don’t get high around people you wouldn't want to be around sober. Don’t put yourself in an unsafe situation for drugs. If you’re carrying, know that you are at risk for possession. Oregon is pretty liberal, but don’t put yourself at risk of jail time for your friends. I haven’t ever known anyone who was busted for possession in Eugene, but be safe.
Nonesense Comics by Kate Beaton <www.katebeaton.com>
LEFT-HANDED TOONS by Justin & Drew
Beatin’ Up The Mix
<www.lefthandedtoons.com>
This Week:
Dialtone Dialtone is a three-piece band from LA and they just want to rock. The band is made up of brothers Paul and Mike Orea and George Maiale. Paul writes the lyrics and plays guitar, Mike is the drummer, and George plays the bass. Their debut album, No Hang-Ups, was released this summer and can be downloaded at weeklyenema.com/music. Check out their Myspace page at myspace. com/dialtone for tour dates and info. They have a simple straightforward style of “New Wave/ Grunge/Disco/Punk”. The band’s sound is strong. It’s easy to pick out instruments. The drums sound crisp, the bass is strong, the guitar full-bodied. Dialtone is performing at Samurai Duck on 980 Oak Street at 8pm. Want your band reviewed? Email kai@weeklyenema.com
Zeus! In case you forgot this was the Greek issue.
Love Doctor Rick - Breakin the Ice Love Doctor Rick knows that Cool Cats and Groovy Gals like to get it on every once and again. With Love Doctor Rick's Love Column, you'll know that when you flip that groovy switch to on, it'll be on. Love Doctor Rick is certified Sexism free because you know what else was an 'ism'? Nazism. And that ain't cool.
Today's Topic: Do looks matter?
All types of groovy and hoopy froods wonder if they're attractive enough to pull in some groovy and swinging cats. Let the Love Doctor set the record straight and assure you, you are one awesome person. It brings a tear to my eye to tell you that self esteem is not correlated with attractiveness, so buck up, sonny, there's a whole world out there. No matter how much you are or aren't blessed with rippling pecs, washboard abs, and long, flowing, gorgeous locks, like the good doctor [ed note: The Love Dr. most certainly is not], you have an innate quality within you to be outta sight. You just gotta prove it to that apple of your eye.
Guys:
Girls:
It isn't enough to simply put on a collared shirt, grab a $1 pint of PBR and expect to be dripping in women. You aren't going to meet anyone you'd consider dating in bars. You meet cool people at school clubs, classes, book stores, or on the staff of your favorite newspaper. Sure, pretty boys might get more 'dates' than you, but it still comes down to how you can make someone else feel. You have to be an all around interesting person. Take up a hobby, read books, learn a foreign language, learn to cook. Something - anything - that demonstrates higher value to other people.
You have it easier in a strange, sad, awkward way. You can count on numerous drunk 'bros' throwing themselves at you nonstop. On the plus side, you have an endless stream of guys auditioning for, well, pussy. That said, the best way to separate the wheat from the chaff is to immerse yourself in activities where you'll be surrounded by guys who, I dunno, care about their appearance, hygiene, character, mothers, etc. You don't have to worry as much as demonstrating higher value, but it cannot hurt. You'll meet more interesting, and datable guys at a school club than at a kegger. Be groovy -- Love Dr. Rick