CAMPUS THE COMIC PRESS née THE WEEKLY ENEMA IS A YEAR OLD! THANK YOU FRIENDS, FAMILY, FANS, AND HATERS. IT’S BEEN A WONDERFUL YEAR.
COMMUNITY
WORLD
ASUO PREZ SAM DOTTERSKATZ DISSOLVES ASUO STUDENT SENATE: “SENATORS NOW HAVE DIRECT CONTROL OVER THEIR RESPECTIVE MAJORS.”
MAY IS NATIONAL MASTURBATION MONTH! CELEBRATE ALONE OR WITH A SEXY FRIEND! MORE INFORMATION ON PAGE 6!
YOUR CAMPUS NEWSPAPER
Thewww.thecomicpress.com Comic Press
Eugene, Oregon
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Volume 2, Issue 11
Free! For Now!
University of Oregon to Require On-Campus Smoking By Collin Gerber In a surprise move roundly supported by the entire University administration, ASUO President Sam DottersKatz has issued a mandatory “Smoking -Only” legislation to be enacted during certain hours on campus. In response to rampant complaints by students and others regarding the “need” to ban smoking on campus, Dotters-Katz has required the hours of 4 p.m. to 9 p.m. to be “SmokingOnly” in an effort to “lower the pussification factor of the University’s image,” as Dotters-Katz stated in a press release. Anybody on campus -- whether for classes or otherwise -- must have some sort of lit smoking implement in hand and in use during these hours or risk disciplinary action from the Department of Public Safety. Dotters-Katz reminisces on a time when smoking signified an air of “dignity and class, and smokers were not looked down upon, but instead were revered for their rogue masculinity or coquettish feminine grace.” Smoking advocates of the University and neighboring community support the decision and hope to see other campuses adopt similar policies. “Hopefully, this will be a big leap in the fight against rabid anti-smoking activists who believe the world is theirs
to interject their personal tenets on pub- vice is not included in the budget for the lic and private property,” said student new legislation. and local smoker “I think it’s stuMcLane Muller. pid. The way they The approach force you to smoke to this policy was or you can’t be on an interesting one, campus. This isn’t Dotters-Katz adcreating freedom, it mits. He believes is limiting my own that saturating the as a non-smoker,” area with people exsaid Ocean-Trail ercising their right Rainbowlove, Euto smoke in the face gene local and outof freedom-limiting spoken anti-smokcomplainers will ing advocate. Upon stifle anti-smokers’ issuing this statepresumption that ment, Rainbowlove their convictions was apprehended are more important by public safety and than others’. Smoktazed until he deing-Only advocates cided he wanted a Classy! hope that in time, cigarette. this regulation can be nullified, as the “Overall, this measure will make university community is likely to see that the masses aware of the freedoms that the U of O is an equal opportunity institu- we are all supposed to have. Plus, it will tion and all legal forms of entertainment eliminate the unfortunate stereotype of and/or personal enhancement should be so many U of O non-smokers as being tolerated. ‘little bitches,’” Dotters-Katz said. Furthermore, the campus will be furCollin Gerber would like you to nished with more ashtrays and cigarette light one up depositories, as increased janitorial ser-
Muffins in Hamilton go up 2 pts, Students Indifferent By David Vengel
Campus politics is our thing and To fully comprehend the situation whether or not you give a shit about we must look into the history of points muffins and associated problems with and how they came to this university in muffins you will read this article because the first place because it would be exthis is the only newspaper on campus. tremely boring to do so and you have We decide what’s cool. Most our staff nothing else to read. are journalism majors. We smoke cigaThe point system was invented by rettes and wear trench Sir Billings Welcoats. But enough about ty the 4th in Bosus, back to muffins: ton Mass., 1870. You may be thinkWhen asked ing “muffins go up 2 why he created points?” and “is this rethe system by a ally happening?” The Boston Globe answer is yes, this monreporter he stated strosity is actually occur“I was just mad ring and 2 points is like at the world and 2 fucking dollars so it’s I just wanted to like a really big deal if really confuse you eat muffins. The depeople…yay.” bates over the extremely Welty wanted a controversial increase in point based sociThe muffins in question price for muffins has been going ety in which paper money on for weeks now and as you are no longer existed. He was unaware, the comic press has had full, soon run out of town and became a travunfiltered, and unbiased coverage of eling salesmen. this contentious atrocity (thank god for Welty was run out of countless thesauruses or I would have put “bad towns across the country and nearly thing”). murdered several times before he ended
up in the small logging town of Springfield Oregon, in 1876. This was the year the University of Oregon was founded and Welty jumped on that like a beezy on a shoe sale. Welty made his last point based system sale to the university before he died of gunshot wounds in 1877. The university still uses his point system today. The fact that muffins are going up without hardly any protest is exactly what Welty would have wanted and he
was kind of a douche. It is important to keep the monetary value of points to cash value in sight. Ignorance is bliss and it also leads to indifference. Indifference is what gives the point system its power to manipulate. Voice your opinion on this issue today at the University Office of Student Life! Or write the current University president.
In This Issue! Beards!
Ads!
Sorority girl bloggers!
Comics!
Craigslist Haikus!
More drinking!
We tell you where to drink!
Masturbation!
We tell you to drink with us!
Things people should say to David before he dies!
We tell you how to survive a hangover!
And much, much more!
Our Mission The Comic Press is published by a couple guys and their friends. We don’t get any money, respect or furtive sexual encounters in the supply closet for doing this, so we are understandably bitter. The Comic Press contains only satire and parody, so if you even think about exhibiting moral outrage or taking legal action, then your parents probably didn’t love you enough. Just to be totally clear, we do not assert that anything in this rag comes anywhere close to the truth, facts, medical advice or even good writing.
Cast of Characters Publisher Kai Davis Editor-in-Chief Jackson Hager Editors Sierra Warren Isha Rainbowlight David Sopkin Contributors Josh Clark Carolyn Eide Jordan Eddy Collin Gerber Tony Havens Curtis Haley Abby Kuhn Mical Lewis Jake Sauvageau Alayna Shulman Margie McArdle Isha Rainbowlight Aryan Sarparast David Vengel Sierra Warren Syndicated Writers Dave’s Secretary at Work Merlin Mann Christian Lander Nick Douglas Comic Artists Kate Beaton John Campbell David Malki ! Randall Munroe Ryan North Jesse Reklaw Andy Rememter Justin & Drew Wes & Troy
Our last issue of the year comes out Thursday, May 28th!
Senior Twitter Correspondent
5 Second Review: Campus Bars by Kai ‘Danger’ Davis
Merlin Mann
twitter.com/hotdogsladies Me: Where’s the stamp machine? Post Office: Took it out. M: Why? PO: It lost money. M:YOU’RE cheaper than a metal box? PO: I guess. Debit or credit? “Is this your first time dining with us?” I always say “Yes.” Just on the chance it’ll lead to an elaborate spanking ritual or free cake. Mobile phones are the new cigarette. “10 Minutes till Bedtime” is “Lost” for toddlers. (Spoiler: Hamster with red balloon = Locke)
Junior Twitter Correspondent
Nick Douglas twitter.com/nick
I can’t tell if I’m flushing several roaches down the drain, or one persistant roach. Ladies! Dinner at my place? Remember the Arrested Development episode where you realized you’d never see any sitcom this good until your death? You have a tattoo that proves you’re Jewish? How retro. Idiot neighbor asks me how many time you hit “popcorn” to nuke a turkey. It’s twenty-nine “beverage”s, you cretin.
Letter from the Publisher We’re at the end of a long road, friends. One year ago two good friends were drunk on a couch and decided to bring something to the University of Oregon that they felt was missing. After we sobered up, we spent a long night in the J-School Brainerd Lab hammering out the first issue of The Comic Press née The Weekly Enema. And here we are. One year later. It’s been a crazy road and I’m nearing my end on it. I’ve been privileged enough to meet some wonderful people, a few listed to the left, who have been kind enough to contribute financially, emotionally, or authorially to this paper. The Comic Press and The Weekly Enema have always been in a state of transition and I think that this summer will be no different. From the form to the content to the name, this paper continually undergoes transition. It
isn’t perfect - I’m the first to admit that we have a lot of growth left to accomplish - it’s always been a labor of love among friends. That’s where you come in. Next year The Comic Press will be a University club and we’re always looking for good people to come in, hang out, bullshit, and write some original content. We’ve had a great staff this year and I know there are more great people lurking around campus. So take a risk, come down, say hi, have a beer - have two beers - and make some friends. Kai Davis would like to remind The Comic Press off to a friend if you think they’d enjoy it.
you to pass this copy of
<3
Volumes can be written about where you should get a pint on a Tuesday night. In fact, volumes are being written this for our next issue. In the mean time, enjoy this graduating Senior’s hard-earned thoughts: Taylor’s: Outside of cheap alcohol and enough people to snap you out of your S.A.D.D. bullshitery, why would you go here? I’ll tell you: Alleged sluttery. Passed down alongside fake IDs is the knowledge that if you throw enough alcohol around, eventually some lucky girl will touch your penis. They have decent drinks and the bartenders aren’t afraid to go stiff if you lean on them. Go, but bring a sober friend to wingman for you. Rennie’s: My mom still tells me stories of going to Rennie’s when she was at the U of O. According to her, it used to be a relaxing bar with great food, inhabited only by graduate students. Now its a loud bar with okay food, semi-frequent bar fights, and every 21er on campus. Pro Tip: They suck at carding. Order a decent beer and don’t act like a tool and you just might get away with it. Note that Rennie’s has quickly become the watering hole of choice for the Oregon Daily Emerald, Oregon Commentator, KWVA, and DuckU staff in addition to the of-age campus student government staff. If you’re looking to break into campus journalism and aren’t above a little networking, buying CJ and Vincent [Oregon Commentator]; Allie, Ashley, Alex Tomchak, and Robert [ODE], Lyzi [KWVA], or David Saed Georgieff [DuckU] a pitcher or three is always a solid bet to get your foot in the door for a position. If politics is your game, the campus politicos are often found sharing a table and a frosty pitcher after ASUO Senate meetings (Senate meets at 7pm every Wednesday in the EMU conference room on the third floor next to the Oregon Commentator office). Oh, and The Comic Press is often there too. Max’s: is chill. They used to only serve beer, which was awesome, but now they’ve added some hard spirits, which is also awesome. Trivia night, great beer, free popcorn / peanuts, decent music, and a flannel wearing hipster crowd all add up to compelling reasons to make this bar your campus home away from home.
The Comic Press Suggested Reading List
Wait. Forget the hipster part. Kai Davis, Comic Press Publisher @ninjakai on Twitter, is graduating in 5 weeks. If you see him around, feel free to give him a hug and buy him a pint. He’ll tell you funny stories.
and
In the meantime, he’s working on a tell-all happy hour guide for Eugene. Read it in our final issue of the season, coming out May 28th.
Page 2, Bitches
The Comic Press
Soap
Silent But Deadly Aryan Sarparast So you’re in the Science Library study- socially inept kid on campus, you commit ing like a tool for tomorrow morning’s exam social suicide and sniff your forefinger. But and then it hits you like a sack of dead pup- something is wrong... very wrong. Your pies: eating two Chipotle queso burritos was hand does not smell like any of the normal a bad choice. scents of feces, bile, Throwing small scrotum-juice, funAsian women and gus, blood, rust, or computer science nail polish remover; majors aside, you it smells like an onion slide tackle into the that’s been eaten, memen’s bathroom uritabolized, defecated, nals and kick down eaten again and then the stall door. Ass vomited all over ancheeks make sweet other onion that’s been love to the hepatitis marinating in a can of infested toilet seat onion paste. For the until they shamelessrest of your godforly spew feces forth saken day inside of the from a seemingly library studying for endless black hole. 11 consecutive hours, The Sloan brand toiyour hands will smell let smokes a ciga- Carson’s hoff soap leaves you with that of subterranean roots. rette and tells your ass The upside? There minty ‘hoff’ feeling. cheeks that she’ll call isn’t one, aside from the them later but really has absolutely no such knowledge that everyday your hands will intention. So, you give her best friend geni- wreak of onions not only when you’re in tal warts and she starts whining about her the Science Library but also when you use “poor broken porcelain heart.” (This is not a any of the bathrooms on campus. That’s metaphor. Also, that whore deserved it). right folks; nearly every single bathroom on All this occurs in about 3 minutes and campus uses the same shitty brand of soap 15 seconds in human-time, which leaves that the university buys from third world just enough time to wash your hands and Costco-knockoff stores for a quarter of a incur a fine on the textbook you checked cent per gallon. out. You try to adjust the tap but it fucking But hark! There is salvation, and I’m breaks off on the “cold” setting and, just to willing to tell you that it resides within the put the proverbial icing on the shit-cream walls of Carson. cake, the broken soap dispenser ends up disAryan Sarparast needs to wash his pensing all over your new watch. hands. Since you’re quite possibly the most
By David Vengel “I hope you’re happy with your decision. You’ll never do better than me. Your never gonna fuck this again. Oh yeah… don’t fucking call me.” “No! don’t push that! Oh my god! Oh my god!... I can’t believe you just fucking pushed that!” “I love you.” “This is your line up. Pick whichever one you want. Just remember that each one has her own rules and restrictions.” “How the fuck did you survive that?” “You’re doing the right thing man… you’re doing the right thing (tears)… good luck god dammit… good luck…” “Congratulations, man. I underestimated you… we all did.” “You’re banned for life!” (I want to hear this twice). “The guy over there says dinner is on him. He loves your work and he wants to thank you.” “Hey… aren’t you that guy who’s banned?” “Do you swear to tell truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God”? “So was I your first black chick?” “Holy shit! I can’t believe you just injected that directly into your bloodstream on a dare. Are you ok?”
Craigslist Haikus
“All haiku wording taken from actual craigslist.com casual encounter/personals ads.” by Collin Gerber
Gal looking for love Extremely obese smoker Good income a must
You: Jewish, cute, drunk. We cabbed back to Chinatown. Passed out instantly.
-Vancouver, BC January 3, 2009
-Washington, DC January 21, 2009
Girl seeks WoW player Fuck me while I go on quests I’ll play my druid
Eyes met in the store You: In vibrator aisle Lurk elsewhere, creeper
-Los Angeles October 14, 2008
-San Diego November 10, 2008
You dropped your bible And I saw your thong. Let’s leave The pope out of it.
To the guy I caught Masturbating in his car Maybe we can meet?
-Denver May 16, 2007
-San Francisco March 25, 2005
Hate to do laundry Come by and do it for me You’ll get a blowjob
I wanted to talk But I had to take a shit. E-mail me sometime
-San Francisco October 3, 2005
-New York City February 26, 2009
I love ingrown pubes It means that those little bumps Are not some VD.
Where are my tranny sluts with that fat ass? You host. And send some pictures.
-Denver September 22, 2008
-Pittsburgh March 26, 2009
TheComicPress.com
Page 3: Menswear
Joseph Palmer: Beard Wearing American Hero!
In 1830, at the age of forty-two, a quiet, unobtrusive, God-fearing man named Joseph Palmer moved to Fitchburg, Massachusetts. Normally, such an event would have caused no great stir in the community, the newcomer would have settled down and been accepted, and life would have gone on as before. Only one thing prevented matters working out that way - Joseph Palmer wore a beard. And in 1830, beards were not worn in Fitchburg. Had he been merely passing through or stopping off for a few days, he would undoubtedly have been merely an object of curiosity and perhaps some thoughtless finger-pointing. But he had come to stay, to settle among these people, to become one of them; and this was intolerable. The unthinkable had happened - Fitchburg was harbouring a
non-conformist. Derision changed to outrage and outrage to anger. Palmer’s windows were repeatedly broken, and the culprits were never found. Women crossed the street to avoid him, and their sons threw stones at him. Even the Reverend George Trask admonished him; and eventually, all else failing, the Church refused him communion. Shortly afterward, Palmer was set upon in the street by four men, who threw Palmer down, injuring his back, and attempted to shave him. Palmer managed to drive off the assailants with his pocket knife and was thereupon arrested, beard and all, for unprovoked assault. When he refused to
pay the fine, he was imprisoned for a year in Worcester. But this was not the end of his story. In prison he nourished his beard and wrote letters, which he managed, with the help of his son, to smuggle out. The letters protested that he had really been imprisoned not for assault, but for wearing a beard. They were published in various newspapers, the case was widely discussed, public opinion shifted to his side, and Joseph Palmer and his beard became a cause célèbre. After a time, he became such an embarrassment to the local constabulary that they suggested he forget the whole thing and go home. He refused as a matter of principle, saying that if they wanted him out, they’d have to carry him out. And that is what they finally had to do. Before he died in 1875, Joseph Palmer had the satisfaction of seeing practically the entire male population bearded, including the local clergy.
SLOW WAVE by Jesse Reklaw
<www.slowwave.com>
Have you hugged your beard today?
Sorority girl has like
The Worst Day Ever OMG, today has been like, so sketchballs. I mean, it started out great. I woke up in the sleeping porch and felt this epic sense of gratitude for how lucky I am. Seriously, kids in like, lesser fortunate countries don’t even have real beds to sleep on, and I mean, neither do I until I become an upperclassman. But I get to make lasting social connections and find a good husband this way. And my sisters are totes awesome. Except for this one bitch who tried to hook up with my friend Jessica’s exstepbrother’s cousin, and then he totally rejected her, but now she changes the story and says that SHE blew HIM off. I’m pretty sure she blew him, but not blew him OFF, lolz. But it’s OK, because she doesn’t know that we all hate her, so I don’t have to deal with any of the drama of actually confronting her. Ugh, I hate drama! I mean, we ARE sisters, after all, so that would not be cool. I’ll just post her picture on thedirty.com. Or Hot or Not…is that still around? IDK, I would put her picture there, but then if she saw it, the few desperate losers who might actually rate her high would give her this big ego and she’d never shut up about it. I mean, a lot of people think she’s pretty, but I just do not get it. She wears cheap-ass Wet n’ Wild foundation where you can totally see the line on her jaw because she doesn’t blend. Gross! Well, actually, one time when I was going through her stuff, there was a bottle
WITH
NEWS SPORTS COMEDY
of MAC foundation. Whatever, I bet it’s like, not even hers, and she probably found it empty somewhere and poured her cheap foundation into it so it would look like she actually has money. She would. She totally would. Anyway, I went to see my academic advisor because the president of my sorority had to have a talk with me about my GPA. Okay, I remember them talking about GPAs during rush week, but I didn’t think they actually meant it! WTF?! So yeah, she told me that if my GPA doesn’t go up after this term, I’m going to be on probation! Can you believe that? How am I supposed to do good in school when I don’t even know what I want to do with my life? Ew, I so don’t want to graduate. That song “I Love College,” by Asher Roth totally describes my life right now. I don’t want to think about the real world and responsibility and all that stuff. I finally LIKE school now that I’m in college, and they’re trying to take that away from me by measuring my scholastical aptitude? That is not even why I wanted to go to college. I’m just glad to be where I am right now with my sisters and all, you know? I mean, my parents would have made me go to college even if I didn’t want to because they wouldn’t have their daughter working in some poor person job. Daddy says he wouldn’t even give me my inheritance if I didn’t graduate. Which kind of doesn’t make sense if you think about it, because if
DUCKU
I didn’t finish college, I would need more money, you know? But he said something about the family name and asked me if I wanted to be like George W. Bush, and I was just like, no, I want to continue waxing my eyebrows, k thanks? Plus, I heard that presidents age like, way faster than regular people. I mean, I think I would be a good president, and it might even be kind of cool, because you’re like, way famous, and I’ve heard you barely even have to do any work. That’s why you have a Cupboard or whatever, and you fill it with nerds who try to overcompensate by telling you what you should do. So actually, maybe I wouldn’t want to be surrounded by people like that… Anyway, I don’t know what I want to be like, career-wise, but Daddy says he wants me to go into business. I don’t know, that might be cool. I mean, most of the guys I know are Business majors, and they’re all totally chill. But the only thing I can really see myself doing is PR, like Samantha from Sex and the City. She has great clothes, an awesome apartment in Manhattan, and guys worship her! Plus, she gets invites to all these exclusive parties and even throws her own sometimes…Hang on, someone just knocked on the door. BRB. OMG, so that was the guys from Zeta Phi Alpha, and they totally got us with water balloons! It’s not even warm outside, and now the foyer is all wet, and my hair is totally ruined, but I love those guys! They are so funny. Now I’m feeling a lot better. That’s why I love Greek Life. You just have all these people who are really there for you. They must have known I was feeling down, so that’s why they did that – to cheer me up. I don’t care what any losers say about frat guys, they are sooo sweet. OK, I’ve gotta go! Me and Chelsea are going to bake some cookies for them because what they did was so nice. Lataz!
Looking for another reason to procrastinate? Tune in to UO’s only student run show. Hilarious sitcoms, dramatizations and local news all presented by students just like you.
Edu-Graphic:
In Eugene Wed. 10pm Channel 23 In the dorms Thurs. 9pm Channel 16 Busy? Watch it online! ducku.uoregon.edu
Oh Shit, it’s Page 4!
The Comic Press
KaitLilifneofaBl’sogaholWor l d Wooo! ic@blogspot.com! by David Vengel!
Hey guys. Sorrrrrrry I haven’t posted in so long! So Mike texted me again. He’s been texting me like every weekend since I blew him three weeks ago. I was so drunk and it was after I got in a fight with Tyler. Tyler and I are like basically nothing now and since Mike lives with Tyler has to be like all DL about calling and texting me. Mike’s text read “Hey, what’s up?” I feel like I can just see the smirk on his face. His text basically says “hey, remember when you blew me?” And I have to be nice to him because I know he’ll tell Tyler if I’m like a bitch or whatever. The worst part is that like everyone in the house knows about this. I know Chloe is the one who told everyone… She is such an anorexic whore, literally! Like everyone in the house has to make her eat dinner. Even her parents call her daily to make sure she is eating; I know because we used to be roommates. Everyone knows she has been throwing up since the 10th grade. Chloe and I were like best friends when we were roommates in the dorms. We had a bunch of classes together and rushed the same house. Then she started dating my ex-boyfriend. It only lasted like less than a month but I know she fucked him like a million times. We still have to hang out all the time because we have all the same friends and live in the same house. I always have to pretend we are still friends, most people don’t even know I hate her. So anyway, at the bars like three weeks go, Mike and I got in a fight.
It was stupid because we were barely even dating. He was like “you can’t read my text messages!” And I was like “I was just seeing what time it was” Which was a lie because he was texting all night and I wanted to see if it was with other girls. Anyway, It blew up because he was texting other girls and planning to meet up and I read it. So Chloe was talking to Mike, Tyler’s uglier roommate. She saw Tyler and I fighting and I swear I saw her smile. Chloe would fuck like any guy, but I knew she was jealous that I was dating Tyler. I know I’m hotter than Chloe and everyone in Tyler’s house loves me. Basically I walked up and started talking to Mike right in front of Chloe. Like I said, I was already really drunk. Mike bought me a drink and Chloe got really jealous. I whispered into his ear that I wanted to blow him and when Chloe was looking we left. The next day Chloe is telling everyone I blew him which is a total lie because she didn’t actually know I did anything with him. So anyway, now Mike is texting me all the time. I gotta go get ready for tonight; it’s my little sorority sis’s birthday dinner. 21er baby! Whoo! Then we’re going out. I’ll probably just wait awhile and then text Mike back “fine, how are you?” Ill just let him start the flirting and wait for him to ask me what I’m doing tonight. I might let him meet up with me.
MAY IS National Masturbation month No, really! It is!
<www.harkavagrant.com>
Music that doesn’t suck
Heaven and Hell Collin Gerber Is it 1981? Is my TV bombarded with the likenesses of Tom Selleck and Don Johnson? Are we heralding the joyous beginning term of our movie star turned President? The answer is no to all of these (except for the second one; I like TV Land), but you would not think so listening to the latest release by ‘80’s power metal legends, Heaven and Hell entitled “The Devil You Know.” What started out as Black Sabbath when Ozzy Osbourne was on one of his many hiatuses, Ronnie James Dio (Rainbow, Dio, “Holy Diver”) heroically took the helm of lead vocals for the legendary heavy metal band in 1979. The sound they created was so powerful, and a departure from their Ozzy sound, that a new name had to be given. This is the first studio album put out by Dio with the members of Black Sabbath since 1991. It retains every ounce of 80’s metal mastery that was present during the golden decade, with proficient modernization. The majestic, lingering wails of Dio over the brutal shredding by the legendary Tony Iommi show why this, true 80’s metal, is still alive, while its more-popular-at-the-time, mousse laden, male mascara, hair “metal” counterpart is deader than Bret Michaels’ hopes of douche redemption. Nothing is sacrificed to appease a new generation of music listeners, as the metallic brutality
transcends years and decades, and ushers in a majestic return to when metal was heavy and leather pants were rampant among the sword wielding hordes. The single off the album, “Bible Black” is representative of all that this genre is known for, with melodic harmonization, powerful riffs and shredding solos. Show your support for the revitalization of an epic era of Heavy Metal, and check out “The Devil You Know.”
Listen to Collin Gerber DJ on KWVA 88.1 FM! Monday: 10-11pm -Punk Rock/Psychobilly”Creeper Madness” 11pm-12am - Metal“Slaughter on the Dancefloor”
TheComicPress.com
Page 5. If you enter the Temple, turn to page 12
Friends,They’re Better Than Pinkeye by Abby Kuhn There are many things in life that suck. Bad opening acts at concerts, non-violent stalkers who really give you no reason to feel special… Twitter. One thing that never gets old however is friendship. You can laugh you insignificant asshole, but friends are more important than some lame joke you tell yourself at someone else’s (completely oblivious to your existence) expense. Who else can you drunkenly trample over repeatedly and then force to sift through your own urine to find your house keys when you’re more fried than an egg soaked in Jagerbombs? Where will you go when the final button of your shirt pops off and your embarrassingly flash everyone at the bar? Friends are also the same people who will be there to explain to you how you got pinkeye from everyone you slept with on Friday night. You see, rock bottom isn’t so bad if at least while you’re down there you get to see the familiar faces of your comrades staring blankly back at you. Mutual bad decision-making is the most common way to make
friends, and who else can laugh about all of your shortcomings with you as your reach a higher and higher level of incoherence? In fact they are the safety net for you when that bad habit of yours consumes you. Everyone knows the people who you probably associate yourself with will help you keep right on going even when you really, really shouldn’t. Whether it be driving recklessly, health insurance fraud, or just plain old lying to the police, those people you spend so much time with will be there for you when nobody else will find it’s even remotely funny. Friends are the replaceable version for your actual family and you don’t even have to support them when they start going downhill. When the orderlies finally roll the respirator into the bedroom at the end of their life that is your social cue to leave, and nobody will really even be that furious at you. Bloodlines are overrated anyway. The whole thing about water being less thick than family ties is bullshit. If you scull for water deep enough you will find some pretty thick ties,
Reflections... Today I was walking across campus on my way to class while listening to my MP3 player. I was in a fairly crowded area, and I farted. I’m not sure if it made a noise due to the headphones I was wearing. It made me wonder if this is a frequent problem in an iPodwearing society. Normally I know how to react to my farts, but this one caught me by surprise. My reaction is based on the sound made by my ass. If there is no sound, I make no reaction. I scanned the faces around me for clues. They offered none, and made me seem suspicious I decided to pretend that nothing happened and continued on my way.
Josh Clark
There are some mysteries in life that are best left unsolved. If you watch television, you’ve no doubt seen the ads explaining the importance of preparing yourself for the upcoming transition to digital broadcasting. You may even remember the federal government promising forty dollar coupons for fancy new digital converter boxes a while back. I fell victim to their ploy and sent away for my coupon, glad to get any free money from the government that I could Eventually I got a gift card in the mail, and set off to buy my shiny new box, eager to see the “crisp, clear picture” and hear the “dynamic sound” of this new televi-
or at least some deep running cases of West Nile. In the years that you spend here on earth there will be a lot of people who waver in and out of your life and while friends may be some of those people you let go or who run screaming to the hills for a break from your terrible social skills, the memories are probably better than actually living them. Another plus of actually being somebody’s friend is that it makes you look cooler than you are. Yeah, people actually like to listen to me and sometimes we even get seen in
public together. Also, while friends shouldn’t be treated like an accessory, they totally are. Want a new personality? Get new friends. Need to feel smarter, more superior, or better looking in any way possible? Pick out a few bad apples that will say anything to have you stick around and there you go with a sparklingly new and pompous ego. The people who you come home to don’t need to be there for you all the time, but their desperation does, and with friends there is so much dejection to go around that nobody needs seconds. Filling your time by listening to your friends boring stories that make you feel like your day actually meant something in comparison to theirs, well that’s priceless. And much less painful than calling your mother. Abby Kuhn would like to remind you to hug a friend today.
We Blog Cartoons by Dave Walker
<www.weblogcartoons.com>
sion. When I arrived at the store, I was disappointed to find that the cheapest converters cost sixty dollars. This was quite an investment just to make fun of local news and that chubby princess in the car ads... was receiving substandard programming worth that kind of money? I thought about all the great things twenty dollars would get me: half an eighth of weed, a case of beer, a large pizza... or perhaps a joint, a 22, and a couple slices. The possibilities were endless. In the end, I decided to buy the stupid thing, because I was already at the store and I had two of the three previously mentioned items at home.
Pedialyte: Nectar of the hung-over gods by Carolyn Eide Getting plastered on a Friday night is always a great way to start the weekend but what if your weekend was cut short because you were too hung-over to accomplish anything, including more drinking? Well you know what the experts say, or just raging alcoholics who don’t mind chugging booze all the time, the best remedy for a hangover is another drink! Fuck it. You already feel like shit, but you felt great before you felt like shit, now you just need to return to the moment when you felt the best from drinking too much alcohol. Pedialyte, the cure-all drink for douche bags who think they can hold their liquor, is actually the second best thing for someone suffering severe head pounding and humiliating flash backs of their behavior from the previous night. Not only does it taste delightful, (because I had to try some before producing this piece) but apparently it’s good for you. Who would have thought? It has less sugar than soda and Gatorade, but includes electrolytes to help get your ass into gear so you can rage again in a few hours. Suffer, but if you know what’s good for you, drink the nectar from the hang-over gods. Page 6, not that you asked
The Comic Press
Commemorate the people working towards better visibility of queer issues on our campus! Visit our site and vote for: • Outstanding Student • Outstanding Faculty • And More!
Queer Ally Coalition Award Show When Where Cost
June 1st @ 7pm EMU Fir Room Free!
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Page 7. Move along, nothing to see here
Y
HELP US DRINK BEER (SERIOUSLY)
The Comic Press is celebrating its 1-year anniversary this Friday. We’re looking for dudes and dudettes with an interest in drinking beer to meet us at Rennie’s at 7:00pm. You’ll get to drink beer with the awesome team of University of Oregon students and graduates that produce this fine periodical that you’re currently reading!
Meet us at Rennie’s, Friday, May 15th, at 7:00pm. (21+ only unless, well, you know)
Questions? Email: Kai@TheComicPress.com
LEFT HANDED TOONS by Justin & Drew <lefthandedtoons.com>
TECHNO TUESDAY by Andy Rememter <www.technotuesday.com>
DINO COMICS by Ryan North <www.qwantz.com>
you land, high fives, a final kiss, and kapow! PROBLEM SOLVED
XKCD by Randall Munroe <www.xkcd.com>
Sad?
Reduce!
Lonely? Slightly aroused? Wondering where you can tell your friends they can pick up the latest copy of
The Comic Press? Well, we can help with all one of those! On Campus!
In Person!
Allen Hall! The School of Music and Dance! Lillis School of Business! The Law School Lobby! In EMU Box 17 by the Fir Room! The PLC Courtyard! Allen Brothers in the Library! LLC Common / Dining Area!
Generally every other Thursday in front of the EMU!
Our final issue for the year comes out on May 28th!
It was the funniest 6.5 seconds of my life, although as usual like 80% of it was just Tom and Ray’s gasping, hacking laughter.
Page 8. Can it be over so soon?
Try not picking up the Daily Emerald for a few days. Admit it, you just read it for 15 minutes in class, do the puzzles then leave it on the chair and the next person who sees it is all like, “lame, someone did all the puzzles! The Comic Press