media sources printing repeat material to save in hard economic times
media sources printing repeat material to save in hard economic times
Eugene’s comedy newspaper
Thewww.thecomicpress.com Comic Press
Eugene, Oregon
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Volume 2, Issue 8
The Comic Press Was There:
The Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre By Alayna Shulman - Alayna@thecomicpress.com
Later, Emperor Capone was as The date is February 14th, 1929. ing he had a carton of cigarettes to trade excited as a Vestal Virgin awaiting The tension between Chicago’s North for a prison cell with a less homoerotic her somber destiny in anticipation of and South sides finally erupts in an orgy warden. Damn Romans. Luckily for another earlyof bullets and ethnic slurs. But how did him, he’s off to the morning execuit all go down? The Comic Press was pits any moment tion. Nothing there. now to be exWait, that’s the massacre of like the sound Early in the morning, one of Al Caecuted for secretly Saint Valentine, not the Saint of two ravenous pone’s henchmen gets a telegram from marrying ChrisValentine’s Day Massacre… lions ripping a the famed mob boss instructing him to tians against the History is confusing. man to pieces whack the clerk who delivered it to him orders of Emperor to start the day. as a test run before the actual killing Claudius. Wait, Wait…I got that spree. This man happened to hold a that’s the maswrong, didn’t I? Emperor Capone probsecond job as a stockbroker’s assistant sacre of Saint Valentine, not the Saint ably just had him beheaded. on Wall Street, and would never be able Valentine’s Day Massacre…History is Finally, Claudius’ men surround to complete the urgent filings he was to confusing. have done by September of that year… Back in Chicago, ol’ Bugsie and his Moran’s gang, about to open fire. They On the other side of town, Bugs pals head down to the Clark Street ware- try to pitch some kind of a plea bargain involving a lifetime supply of cannoli, Moran, house to but the Italian gang members become leader of close an even more enraged because they prothe North impornounce it “ca-NAH-li” and proceed to Side’s tant open fire. Irish gang, business Now that’s going out with a bang. awakes deal. from a Word For more information on the massacre frightening had it of Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre and dream that there was other legitimate historical events, please an annoysome An Example of a 1929 Dollar Bill consult the February, 1973 issue of ing and bargainMad Magazine. slightly basement manic cartoon character will be named hooch waiting for them, though some after him in the not-too-distant future. think he was actually just in it to experiAlayna told me she’d kill us if I told The day’s already off to a bad start. ence the beauty of Chicago’s industrial anyone she was a mobster. ohshit. Meanwhile, Saint Valentine is wish- district in the early morning sunlight.
Ultimate V-Day Candy Rankings By Mical Lewis - Mical@thecomicpress.com Sweethearts: What the fuck? Who even likes these things? For that matter, what sorry sack of shit gives these to people? Do you really expect me to pay any attention to you when you won’t even spring for a moderately decent Valentines Treat? These things should be used to draw on sidewalks. I say again: What the fuck?
Personalized Message Anything: Almost tolerable. The acceptability of this gift depends on two things: the actual sweetmeat itself and the message written on it. But mostly the message. Anything with “wuv”, puns involving animals or anything also written on a sweetheart merits a swift kick to the balls.
Remaindered Halloween Candy: Really? Remaindered Halloween Candy? It’s bad enough that these sweets aren’t even for the right holiday, but they’re also 4 months old. You expect 4 month old bats, ghosts and witches to get you anywhere with any one? Asshole.
Chocolate Roses: Nice try; real roses would have been better…and probably tastier. Truffle (s): As long as a pig didn’t dig this out of the ground with its gross snout, this is a perfectly acceptable Valentine’s Day gift. It should have been a box of truffles though. Milk Chocolate ones. Full of alcohol. Anything from Sweet Life: Well done. A gift like this one shows that you both care about me and local businesses. Thinking with your big head, will ultimately leave the little head satisfied.
Hershey’s Kisses: Okay, at least these candies have a vague association with the holiday, being called kisses and all, but the chocolate is cheap and the packaging is garish. This gift is worth a half-second of consideration as a possible hookup followed by swift and vicious rejection.
Chocolate Heart Box: Don’t even think about it unless it costs more than $50.00
Anything “Valentines Edition”: Lameass cheapo candy with a red box and some hearts on it won’t even get you onto the field let alone anywhere near first base. The lack of forethought in this candy gift disturbs me.
Heart Lollipops: Are you trying to make me look like a porn star? Because I am way too hot to be a porn star and you are too ugly even to be a guy in a porno. Go fuck yourself-- I know it’s what you’re best at.
Image By Kalyan Neelamraju
Home-made, from scratch treat: This is worth at least a date or two. I mean, come on! Someone takes the time and effort to plan out and create a tasty delicacy just for you and you wouldn’t give them a chance? By the way, I’m allergic to nuts. Chocolate mold of your genitals: Done. Mical would like to remind all potential suitors that it isn’t size that matters, just chocolate content.
Printed on recycled hippies!
Valentines Day Paraphernalia: Another form of Ipecac by Abby Kuhn Abby@thecomicpress.com While color schemes may appear to be the objective of candy and toy makers during February. It is quickly discovered that the amount of nausea induced after ingestion of any loose parts or secret ingredients is what truly brings couples and random strangers together in bouts of regretted partaking. The comfort in this situation is the smiling face of a Technicolor zoo animal that will end up sporadically yelling obscenities about how much it “lurrrrrves” you and the amount of attention it would give you had it only the chance. Lucky is the recipient to indulge in tinny sounding recordings of “Wild Thing” and the Love Story theme song emitted through even shittier speakers wedged in between the thumb and forefinger of a teddy bear. Whilst shopping for love propaganda many lovers might find redundancy in their purchases. I mean, how many times can a combination of red and pink be used to articulate love? A whole pseudo affectionate bunch apparently. Red is for roses, pink is for all of the rashes felt the next day after the paid for or otherwise negotiated one night stands, and purple of course is reserved for all of the black eyes and bruises suffered by cheating spouses who naively thought their sweeties would believe a late night at the office was a plausible excuse to come home after 3am. Sorry romancers. Any way you slice the unbaked cookie dough next year as you watch P.S I Love You alone, there is no candy-gram that will make you forget what a waste of money you made this year trying to simulate real tenderness. This may seem harsh, but after hours of sifting though kilos of sweat soaked candies and cards the whole charade appears to be less and less the fault of big business commercialism, and more the fault of America’s sly stupidity wrapped up in glittered cellophane. But damn don’t we look cute when we fake appreciation for gluey sugar cookies and rub-on tattoos. The joke is officially on us.
Edu-Graphic: How likely you are to accept my sexual text message advances completely
not at all
10 8 6 4 2 0 Days before Valentine’s
Our Mission The Comic Press is published by a couple guys and their friends. We don’t get any money, respect or furtive sexual encounters in the supply closet for doing this, so we are understandably bitter. The Comic Press contains only satire and parody, so if you even think about exhibiting moral outrage or taking legal action, then your parents probably didn’t love you enough. Just to be totally clear, we do not assert that anything in this rag comes anywhere close to the truth, facts, medical advice or even good writing. Before you hate, just remember that a whole mess of white dudes died and/or wrote boring documents so we could have the right to make cruel fun of you and your stupid face.
Cast of Characters Editor-in-Chief & Design Jackson Hager Publisher & Web Master Kai Davis Layout Joshua Vincent Copy Editing David Vengel Contributors Hannah Belair Josh Clark Jordan Eddy Collin Gerber Abby Kuhn Thomas Kramer Mical Lewis Jake Sauvageau Alayna Shulman Margie McArdle Aryan Sarparast David Sopkin David Vengel Syndicated Writers Dave’s Secretary at Work Merlin Mann Christian Lander Nick Douglas Comic Artists Ryan North Randall Munroe Jesse Reklaw Justin & Drew Kate Beaton David Malki ! Wes & Troy Andy Rememter Contact! Editor@thecomicpress.com Publisher@thecomicpress Ads@thecomicpress.com
Senior Twitter Correspondent
Merlin Mann
twitter.com/hotdogsladies It’s amusing that our neighbors went to ivy league schools but can’t get their head around how trash gets to the curb. Maybe it’s a WIZARD! I don’t speak Hindi, but I’m pretty sure my cabdriver is either securing financing for a startup or planning to have me whacked. Man. Real estate people have *really* nice skin. Y’know those idiot teenagers who show up late on Halloween with no costume demanding free candy? Yeah. That’s pretty much the internet now. It’s amazing how many people show their jealousy of my Boba Fett shirt by pointing and pretending to barely stifle a laugh. It’s sad really.
Junior Twitter Correspondent
Nick Douglas
BONUS POINTS! Looking to earn extra points for that fighter jet the comic press is giving away?
twitter.com/nick
I mean just because I once went home with a lady twice their size does not mean I now get to have a date with two 120-pound girls.
go into any business advertising with the comic press, tell them you saw their advertisement, and send us a photo of your team in the store or a copy of your receipt!
Say hello to my little friend. Seriously, you can’t snub him just because he’s a dwarf.
Send all pictures to firesquid@ thecomicpress.com
Ouch. I thought a “titty twister” would be something *much* more fun. Hey, let’s make our secret CIA names for fun! You take your social security number and add your mother’s maiden name. Then send it to me!
Letter From The Editor: Run for the ASUO. It’ll Fuck Them Up. Jackson Hager - Editor@thecomicpress.com The deadline for running for a seat in the ASUO approaches soon and I want you to run for President. Why? Because of the following reasons. Running for the ASUO is like running for a political seat in your high school; it doesn’t mean shit and it’s just a popularity contest. Drew ‘Thunderlove’ Cattermole ran for President one year ago to exploit this one flaw. He spent no money on his campaign and still got votes. Goes to show how much people know. His platform was to offer Magnum condoms in the health center and increase the Presidential stipend. Right now I have about three people all ready to run for president of ASUO in order to fuck with the system, and I need more. How crazy would that be if there were 20 candidates? It would be like the California recall election, yet another popularity contest. You should run because not only is it free, but there are only a few required meetings. Just hand in the application, go to two meetings, and then sit back and rake in the votes. If you e-mail me, I’ll even print out the application and drop it off at your house personally. I’m doing this for a few reasons. One is that I want to increase campus involvement in ASUO, but also increase ASUO involvement on campus. How many of you know who the ASUO president is right now? (That should be all of you. See our profile of Sam Dotters-Katz: Thunder God in Issue 2.6) I mean, out of a school of 20,000 people, I bet less than half. Last year around 3,000 students voted. The winning team (Sam Dotters-
Katz and Johnny Delashaw) won with an astounding 15% of the student body’s support. This year I hope more students vote. In closing, run for ASUO, get a buddy to be your VP. It’s free, it’s fun because it’s so stupid, and you’ll regret not running. I will have a link to the application up on the site as well. (And now a message from the ASUO Communications Director) The Associated Students of the University of Oregon (ASUO) are hosting two information sessions this month about ASUO elections and available positions. Before being bombarded by campaign fliers, handouts and T-shirts, students can come learn about the ASUO election process and how to get involved. “These sessions are really the kickoff for election season,” said ASUO Elections Coordinator Aaron Tuttle. “A large turnout at these events will hopefully mean a broad field of candidates for ASUO positions.” Both sessions will be held in the Gumwood Room of the Erb Memorial Union (EMU) on the following dates: -
February 10, 5:00 p.m. February 25, 6:00 p.m.
For More Information Contact: Andrew Plambeck, ASUO Communications Director asuopub@uoregon.edu, 541.346.0627
all teams will earn double points towards their team score this month!
Need to register your team? Send a team photo and your awesome team name to us at firesquid@ thecomicpress.com!
Don’t You Just Hate... … When the economy tanks? …When your ex-girlfriend has a hot new boyfriend? …When the cops raid your house for heroin and it’s your third strike so you have to bail out the second story window? …Those times when you need ten thousand dollars in cash, any car, and plane tickets out of the country? … When you’re trying to take a piss and the toilet seat keeps falling down because something is obstructing it? … When you can’t stop laughing and it’s really, really inappropriate? … The look on your dad’s face when you tell him you’re going to clown college? …When you realize “wow… these are my friends”? … Thinking about how simple and easy high school was both socially and academically and how hard you made it for yourself?
Page 2, Bitches
The Comic Press
Sudents Earn Money for Penis,Vagina
This Week In Science
From TheComicPress.com by Josh Clark - Josh@thecomicpress.com
With Dr. Hager
Dear Dr. Science, how does an infant have the coordination and strength to use a bow and arrow? -Straight Shooter Not many people know it SS, but infants have been used as weapons of war for millennia. The ancient Romans built their ballistas and catapults out of infants until they discovered wood early in the 4th Century AD. in more modern times, Reputable studies have shown infants to be nearly capable of landing stealth bombers.
Day of Valentine (in japanese haiku form) by Jake Sauvageau
these are haikus of the charming and beguiling day of valentine. I am at your door to pick you up for our date with bad gifts in hand. Chocolate heart box filled with love, nougat, and creams guess I want you fat. Long stem red roses cost a shitload of money and die in a week. Stuffed animal dolls like the sixty on your bed should have bought cat food. Cupid has my heart. or perhaps my credit card arrows are not cheap. Let’s go out tonight same night as everyone else we eat near the john. I drink heavily to make you more attractive I’m twelve beers in. nope. Food is terrible the waiter is an asshole I eat my grand slam. Back to your abode. Candles are fire hazards but now you look good. The clothing comes off you have had liposuction you never told me. you have syphillis? I will not tell anyone as long as you don’t. I have to leave now five ‘o clock morning meeting you know how it is. I go to my house I can’t wash the shame off me I am a sad man. It stings when I pee your image burns in my mind please God make it stop.
Duckies?
Dear Dr. Science, why is the still-beating heart of a homeless man less attractive to my lover than a heart-shaped box full of your earth candy? -Nonplussed in New Jersey Did you know that the heart is actually one of the least delicious organs in the human body? While many cultures have long traditions of consuming the hearts of enemies, this is merely a gastronomic test of manliness closely resembling eating at Burrito Boy, although more socially acceptable. But I have the feeling that none this matters to you, NiNJ, because you are a crazy person who would probably huff their own poo if they weren’t afraid of toilet snipes.
According to a recent article on dailyemerald.com entitled “The Highest Price1,” many students nationwide are turning to prostitution to help with the rising cost of higher education. This news is shocking and disturbing for two reasons: I have not once been offered money for sex, nor have any fly bitches asked me to pimp them. As my student loans grow into an insurmountable mountain of debt, the prospect of financial security is extremely tempting. Sadly, I have no idea as to how one gets into the profession. Do I need a resume, or would a craigslist
posting with a picture of my boner be enough? As usual, the Emerald gives none of the useful information that I seek, focusing only on the morality of the issue. Fuck morality. I can’t believe I spent last term slaving away in the dungeon that is Central Kitchen, making minimum wage, when I could’ve been pulling twenty bucks per handjob. Article by Meredith LaFrance published on 1/26/09 1
Josh Clark has the coolest hair of any Comic Press Writer.
Dave’s Secretary at Work
grin, and then says “fucking carrots!! So it’s christmas and my family is Bahabdiuaghf(*pa#hioh bhahah ahahaplaying ‘scattergories’ and everyone is hahahahahahahahaha” and laughs like drunk, especially my step-uncle Eick. a goddamned demon king for nearly a He’s just raving drunk. It’s crazy. Somefull minute. Once he’s one rolls the letter settled down we move ‘f’ and we all spend on. The next category 2 minutes trying to is ‘things you find on fill out the blanks. the beach’ or someThe timer dings and thing, and when we get we go around tellto Rick again we are ing each other our given this conspiratoanswers. rial wink and nod, The first categoand then he screams ry is ‘vegetable’. We out “fucking towels, all go around and we man!!! Bbahahahahget to drunk step-Unhaha uahdiuahiuhaiuh cle Rick who looks ahahahahaha” and at us all smugly, again we are unnerved digs up this wide Fucking Rabbits
by his crazed lunatic laughter. This goes on for several rounds! It gets tired really quickly! Finally, around round 7 or 8 we get to the category ‘occupation’. We go around and give each other looks of dread as drunk Rick’s turn approaches. Finally it’s his turn. We brace ourselves for the inevitable ‘fucking doctor, man!!’ Or ‘fucking bus driver shit yeah!!’. The tension is terrific. Drunk step-uncle rick clears his throat, shoots us a maniacle look, and then says quietly and calmy ‘forensic scientist’ and then gives a calm nod to the person on his left. He then gets up, walks into the kitchen, and falls down all the stairs into the basement and passes out.
Stuff White People Like
Christian Lander - stuffwhitepeoplelike.com
Black Music that Black People Don’t Listen to Anymore All music genres go through a very Along with Jazz, white people have relevance. No, there are literally thousands similar life cycle: birth, growth, mainstream also taken quite a shine to The Blues, an art of white people who are giving their all to acceptance, decline, and finally obscurity. form that captured the pain of the black ex- keep old school Hip Hop alive. With black music, however, the final stage perience in America. Then, in the 1960s, a Even as you read this, white people are is never reached because white people work bunch of British bands started to play their telling other white people about the golden tirelessly to keep it alive. Apparently, once own version of the music and white people age of Hip Hop that they experienced in a a music has lost its relevance with its intend- have been loving it ever since. It makes suburban high school or through a viewing ed audience, it becomes MORE relevant to sense considering that the British were the of The Wackness. white people. ones who created The Blues in the 17th If you are good at concealing laughter Historically speaking, the music that Century. and contempt, you should ask a white perwhite people have kept on son about “Real Hip Hop.” life support for the longest peThey will quickly tell you riod of time is Jazz. Thanks about how they don’t listen largely to public radio, bookto “Commercial Hip Hop” stores, and coffee shops, Jazz (aka music that black peohas carved out a niche in white ple actually enjoy), and that culture that is not yet ready they much prefer “Classic to be replaced by Indie Rock. Hip Hop.” But the biggest role that Jazz “I don’t listen to that plays in white culture is in the commercial stuff. I’m more white fantasy of leisure. All into the Real Hip Hop, you white people believe that they know? KRS One, Del Tha prefer listening to jazz over Funkee Homosapien, De La watching television. This is Soul, Wu Tang, you know, not true. The Old School.” Every few a months, a Calling this style of white person will put on some music ‘old school’ is conJazz and pour themselves a sidered an especially apt glass of wine or scotch and tell name since the majority of Oh, dude, you weren’t at the 1994 De La Soul tour? themselves how nice it is. Then people who listen to it did so It’s like I don’t even know you anymore, man! they will get bored and watch while attending old schools television or write emails to other white Today, white people keep The Blues such as Dartmouth, Bard, and Williams Colpeople about how nice it was to listen to going strong by taking vacations to Mem- lege. Jazz at home. “Last night, I poured myself a phis, forming awkward bands, making What it all comes down to is that white glass of Shiraz and put Charlie Parker on the documentaries, and organizing folk festi- people are convinced that if they were alive Bose. It was so relaxing, I wish I had a fire- vals. Blue and Jazz music appeal mostly when this music was relevant that they place.” Listing this activity as one of your to older white people and select few young would have been into it. They would have favorites is a sure fire way to make progress ones who probably wear fedoras. But that been Alan Lomax or Rick Rubin. Now the towards a romantic relationship with a white doesn’t mean that young white people aren’t best they can hope for is to impress an older person. working hard to preserve music that has lost black person with their knowledge.
TheComicPress.com
Page 3: Menswear
Heavenly Horoscopes with Sunflower Goldschmidt
Aries Sometimes it’s a good idea to take things slowly—Why not let your partner get aroused before you fuck them?
Cancer I think that the very next person to make a joke about tumors or genital crabs is ripe for a stabbing.
Taurus This Valentine’s Day, try a chocolate mold of your genitalia as a gift to your sweetheart. Anything is better than the power-rangers cosplay you arranged last year.
Leo Did you know that Saint Valentine is usually depicted with roses and birds? Neither did I.
Gemini Bad Gemini! Penises do not go in ears! NO!
Ever just relax down on your bed and think to yourself what it’d be like to go down to Home Depot, or perhaps even Lowes Home Improvement, buy a 7.3 inch cylinder of glass with a diameter of 10cm and gently place it
Libra We don’t wear green, crotchless spandex bodysuits in polite society, Libra. No, we don’t. Scorpio Valentine’s Day Costume Ideas—Nudist, female condom, Captain Jean-Luc Picard or a gelatinous cube.
Aquarius Bitch, you should be sucking my dick right now. After all, it’s a meal and a work out.
Sagittarius So this guy’s friends arranged for a prostitute to show up on his 70th birthday as a joke. She arrives and knocks on the door. Upon opening the door, she says to him in her breathiest voice: “I’m here to give you super sex.” To which he replies “I’ll take the soup.” Take the soup this time, Sagittarius, take the soup...
Virgo Look, being attentive to details is one thing, but obsessing over the length of your partner’s toenails is completely unreasonable. Obsess about the length of their pubic hair instead. into your urethra while your penis is flaccid, and then hit your dick with a fucking hammer while you’re erect, shattering the glass which would consequentially create a wound wide enough to release the allocated blood from your erection? If
Capricorn Don’t even think about it.
you answered no, or you just vomited in your mouth, then you might want to put this paper down because this article is not for the weak. In the form of a very amusing “would you rather” game, I present to you…
Pisces Not every stain on your partner’s ceiling is semen, just most of them.
SLOW WAVE by Jesse Reklaw
<www.slowwave.com>
THE PAIN OLYMPICS!
by Aryan Sarparast - Aryan@Thecomicpress.com
Would you rather have one of your eyes scraped out with an ice-cream scooper laced in rubbing alcohol or be kicked in the face by a horse and survive? Would you rather be soluble in water or have your throat bleed violently with each breath of air? Would you rather accidentally sign up for a reenactment of 2 girls 1 cup or go hunting with Dick Cheney?
Would you rather have Chuck Norris walk in on you having sex with his mother or bitch-slap Vin Diesel after telling him about how much you hate “The Fast and the Furious”? NIGHTMARE MODE (FOR MEN) Would you rather have your scrotum burned with a molten hot cow-brander or have your penis split down the middle with a pair of rusty safety scissors?
NIGHTMARE MODE (FOR THE LADIES) Would you rather pleasure yourself with a phallic-shaped device made of razor blades or with a butt plug made of barbed wire? We totally misspelled Aryan’s last name in our previous issue. Sorry, buddy. Aryan’s writings are also featured in the Oregon Voice’s Winter issue!
Nonsense Comics by Kate Beaton <www.katebeaton.com>
Food Review:
Tasty Thai Campus by Alayna Shulman - alayna@thecomicpress.com Though its name oddly brings to mind a sort of Southeast Asian gingerbread house made of pan-fried noodles and banana leaves, Tasty Thai Campus is actually a promising new addition to the slew of campus-adjacent eateries that feed so many off-campus students and meal point-lacking Freshmen alike. Conveniently located across from Dough Co. and next to Subway, this place is an undiscovered gem amongst a sea of campus favorites and uninspired chains. I walk in and order a plate of my favorite Thai specialty – Pad Thai. At only $5.95 during lunch hours ($7.95 for dinner), this is a considerable deal, especially consid-
ering that it comes with your choice of meat for that price. I receive my order within 10 minutes (if not five), presented to me on a surprisingly gourmet-looking plate with fresh cilantro strewn about artfully. It’s not the best Thai food I’ve ever had, but for the price, the speediness of the service and the convenient location, it’s definitely worth a stop between classes for a quick lunch. Tasty Thai Campus also has a unique customized menu akin to Much Gusto – “Tasty Thai Express.” You choose your carbs, veggies and protein, then pick out a sauce from such delicious concoctions
as lemongrass cilantro sour cream and chipotle orange sour cream. Perfect for those less adventurous eaters who may not relish the idea of going for the culinary gusto and trying an exotic new dish right away. In addition to their broad menu, Tasty Thai Campus also has a drink for just about everyone, including milk and bubble teas for around $3.00, Thai iced tea or coffee for $1.95, domestic and imported beer and wine, and pots of hot jasmine tea for only $1.00. So, if you’re looking for a quick meal in a relaxed atmosphere and are growing sick of the Qs (Qdoba and Quizno’s), Tasty Thai Campus is the place to be Tasty Thai Campus is located at 1308 Hilyard Street and is open Sunday-Thursday: 11:00-9:30 and Friday-Saturday: 11:00-11:00.
Oh Shit, it’s Page 4!
The Comic Press
Pictures for Sad Children by John Campbell <www.picturesforsadchildren.com>
Music That Doesn’t Suck With Your Host: Collin Gerber collin@thecomicpress.com
This Week: Babymakin’ albums throughout the decades
Valentine’s Day is a day of exploration; of yourself, and, if you’re lucky, of a partner. Should the mood (or opportunity) strike, here are some musical suggestions if you want to add a generational twist to the whole experience. 1970’s Led Zeppelin’s Houses of the Holy (1973) is an intense musical experience that is almost sexually gratifying simply by itself. It is deeply layered, complex and has a range of song styles. Opening with the rambling tune of “The Song Remains the Same”, it almost seems to follow a sexual progression, becoming slightly slower and more melodic with “The Rain Song” and “Over the Hills and Far Away”, then blowing up again with “The Crunge” and D’yer Mak’er.” Finally,
But seriously folks... We love making The Comic Press. We really do. The fact is we can’t do this without the support of our advertisers and we can’t get the support of advertisers without you.
The Best Valentine’s Day Ever
By David Vengel - DavidV@thecomicpress.com It’s Thursday February 14th, 2008 (ValI look for something to eat in my refrigentines Day of Last Year). I wake up at 10:30 erator. There are four tallboys of Milwauam, make a bowl of cereal, and brew a cup kee’s Best on the top shelf; I start drinking. of coffee. I turn on the TV and flip through I try to read a novel for my English class but the news channels. There are reports about a I can’t concentrate. I can’t believe Rachel vigilante group retaliating against Mexican hasn’t called me. I feel like shit. I start to drug gangs and a terrorist attack in Russia; I wonder if I’m depressed. I WebMD “depresthank god that I live in America. I continue sion”; There are over 4,000 results. “Screw flipping through channels and stumble upon it”, I close my computer. the View. I think about how hot Elizabeth I turn the TV on and watch the second Hasselbeck is. I imagine her naked, mastur- half of the movie “Valentine” on HBO. bate, take a shower, and get ready for class. Spoiler Alert: “Valentine” is about a high I get to my statistics class at noon. My school outcast who gets rejected by every mind wanders… Man, Tina Fey is such a girl he asks out. Ten years later, after getting MILF. I think about Tina Fey nude with her ripped at the gym and having plastic surgery glasses on. How did Charlie Sheen marry to disguise himself he begins dating one of Denise Richards? I wonder what Charlie is the girls who he asked out in high school. like in person… Before I can One by one he sends her and answer these questions and her friends threatening valenmany more, class is over. tine cards before he violently I walk out with Rachel, the kills them. It’s the worst movie girl who sits next to me and I have ever seen. who I had been out with once It’s now after 10pm and I before. I ask her what she is have given up hope of doing doing that night. anything that night. I’m finishShe responds “probably ing my fourth tallboy when she watching a movie and drinkcalls. ing by myself”. She’s crying; it turns out I pretend to laugh. She she went out with some other says she will call me later guy who was an asshole. She and we will figure something asks if she can come over and out. talk. After a few more classes and the gym, I’m a little drunk at this point and it gets I get home at 6pm. I keep thinking about the best of me. Rachel, I wonder what we will do tonight. I respond “you blew it bitch! Better I think about Rachel naked. I masturbate to luck next year” and hang up the phone. Girls Gone Wild: Doggy Style, a Girls Gone I lie down and think about everything Wild video in which Snoop Dogg takes that’s happened. Why did I let this day get control of the camera and records relatively the best of me? Why couldn’t this have just unattractive college age girls who didn’t get been a normal Thursday? Why does society enough attention as children, lift up their put so much pressure on people to get toshirts during Mardi Grass. I’m disgusted gether for this bullshit, Hallmark, holiday? with myself. I take another shower. I start to feel bad for Rachel. She probIt’s now 8pm and Rachel still hasn’t ably takes this day really seriously and she called. I start to worry a little; it’s Valentines is obviously having an even worse day than day-night and I’m by myself. me. I almost call her… then decide not to.
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and gratifyingly, mellowing out with the fantasy-laden and rich sound of “No Quarter” followed by a celebratory listen of “The Ocean” makes this album perfect for that special time. You could maybe even give your undercarriage a bit of a blowdry and feathering job to really authenticate the generational mood. 1980’s Prince’s Purple Rain. I really hope this one doesn’t require much convincing. Bonus points if you enter your own situation in a purple jumpsuit and Seinfeld-ian Puffy Shirt. 1990’s There really is no other choice than the accompanying soundtrack to one of the cinematic gems of the decade: Space Jam. It is not difficult to disregard the fact that this is a kid’s movie starring beloved childhood characters and even Michael Jordan, when the velvety sensuality of R. Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly” caresses your bedroom ears. Carnally accompanied by Seal and Salt-N-Pepa on other seminal tracks of unadulterated 90’s hip-hop, this album brings every evocation of your youth and transforms it into every sexual indulgence that you could want. Just try and keep your composure when the Barry White and Chris Rock classic duo (wtf) of “Basketball Jones” starts playing; it is the test of a true Valentine’s Casanova.
in The Comic Press. Heck, buy something if you have the spare cash. It’ll let that advertiser know that someone is reading this fine newspaper and maybe they’ll decide to renew their ad. At the end of the day the staff of The Comic Press puts this fine paper out because we enjoy writing it and we hope you enjoy reading it. Thanks, The Comic Press
The Comic Press Awesome Poll of Sheer Win! This Week: Vaginas vs The Internet Which is more confusing?
Vaginas! The Internet! Vote by email! Email polls@thecomicpress.com with your vote as the subject of your email. Virus Comix by Winston Rowntree <www.viruscomix.com>
Page 5. If you enter the Temple, turn to page 12
Point/Counterpoint Valentine’s Day
Amazing Super Powers by Wes and Troy
<www.amazingsuperpowers.com>
By Jake Sauvageau & Vanessa Jake@thecomicpress.com
Foreword: You may have noticed that there is only one credible author for Point/Counterpoint this week. Normally, my fellow author would debate with me over the subject of the week, but he has come down with a severe case of Chlamydia. So, my ex-girlfriend Vanessa, who has been the counterpoint to my point for the last two years, will provide insight and commentary. Enjoy! Question: Why does Valentine’s Day suck/rule? Jake: Valentine’s Day sucks because it has been commercialized. Originally designed for a couple of Roman martyrs, it has been transformed by assholes like Hallmark and flower and chocolate companies. Vanessa: So says the guy who’s never bought a flower or a box of chocolates. Yeah, like you need more chocolate, fatass. What did you just say? You heard me, harpy. Maybe you’d get a gift if you’d stop demanding we go out to an overpriced restaurant just you could get seen by your social climber girlfriends, get blitzed and not give me any when we get home. First of all, my girlfriends are not social climbers. How could I explain to them why I was with you? Second, I did give it to you. I always gave it to you on Valentine’s Day. Yeah, it’s always the first time of the new year, unless you count 1:30 am on New Years Day after 18 body shots. With other guys. And I hardly think that laying on your back constitutes as you giving me anything. Are you sure you’re a writer and not an anesthetist? Because anytime we had sex, I couldn’t feel a thing. Well, if I was a doctor, I’d be a surgeon. Maybe then I could remove that stick that’s been jammed so far up your ass. Yeah, well, God knows you’ve tried to get up there to find out. I keep telling you: You’re barking up the wrong tree. Well, I only bark because it’s the only language that you understand. Really, I thought all those grunts and bodily noises you made when hanging out with “your boys” was your language. How’s it go again? Oh, yeah. Grunt, burp, grunt, fart, scratch your crotch, grunt. Yeah, well, at least my buddies understand and accept me the way I am. More than I can say for the succubi you hang out with. Are you really angry because my girlfriends want me to do better? Want me to succeed in life? And how’s that? By suggesting that you date frat boy douchebags with cargo short pockets full of roofies? Telling you that Sex in the City is a good TV show? Are your girlfriends the ones that suggested you go to Everest College?
Actually, she’s 51… Hey! Point: Vanessa. Yes, as in, “Point Vanessa into the direction of the nearest bar, so she can get free drinks all night from dirty old men missing teeth and smoking through their throats.” Yeah, well, when was the last time someone bought you a drink? Actually, at Snafu last week, but I think he had the wrong idea… Still, he probably would have done more for me than you. You know, it wouldn’t kill you to use your mouth once in a while. For what? Seriously? You don’t know? No, I know, but I mean, for what? I know Chihuahuas with bigger ones than you. What? You told me that it’s not the float of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean! Yeah, that’s what we all say to guys like you. Seriously, it’s like a mini Christmas light down there! Ever consider the fact that maybe you don’t do anything to make it any bigger? Well maybe the girls at the Silver Dollar can do it for you! They seem to know who you are! Hey! Trixie and Candy understand a man’s needs. And you’re just pissed that they gave you two thumbs down on amateur night. Even the DJ thought you sucked. And he’ll fuck anything. Oh, I know. Did you really think he took me to his van to pick out music? You fucking whore! And by the way, I want my black concert tee and my TV back. And don’t forget the fucking remote!
Why work for The Comic Press?
Yeah, you would need the remote. God forbid you should get off your ass… For anything. And I guarantee the remote button is the only button you can find.
Kai@thecomicpress.com
Oh, yes, that mythical G-Spot. I think yours is right underneath… China. Is that why you’re always hitting the Chinese buffet? Well if someone knew how to cook more than toast maybe I wouldn’t have to go somewhere to eat. Eating your cooking is like me vomiting up McDonald’s, eating it back up, shitting it out, and baking it into a casserole.
Your Publisher: Kai Davis
Why do we do this? A question poised and pondered only during our least lucid moments. For me, its the idea of community. We - a band of students, semi-students, and graduates - came together and made something different that hadn’t ever been seen on campus before. We invested our time, our mind, and our hearts, and in return we produced this: The Comic Press. And then you came. You, with
your determination to peruse the jokes and articles we put together every two weeks. You, with your desire to be part of the community and share us with your friends. And You, with your ability and drive and want, who became part of this. So Thank You. Thank you for the quiet moments when you think of us. Thank you for letting us make the world a little funnier and a little weirder. Thank you for your laughter.
No, you have all sorts of talents. Like your ability to guzzle a rack of beer, and then trying to fuck your girlfriend’s best friend. Did she say no? Fuck you. She did, and she will again.
Okay, first of all, Everest College was a fantastic experience that gave me skills for life.
You know what? You can kiss my ass, and so can Valentine’s Day.
Like what? Typing and boss fucking? Two words: Not accredited.
At least we agree on something.
Yeah, like your school is much better. Second, at least frat boys appreciate a girl enough to tell her she’s pretty. Yeah, nothing more authentic or romantic than having a guy bombed on Taylor’s Tuesday night dollar wells telling you he thinks your sexy. You could be a syphilitic 53-yearold whore and he’d want to fuck you. Isn’t your mother a 53-year-old whore?
Also, we do it for the babes. Carry out special, anyone?
Page 6, not that you asked
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So You’re Broke at McDonald’s
5 Second Review Birth Control By Mical Lewis - Mical@thecomicpress.com Valentine’s Day is almost here so we asked Mical Lewis, long time Comic Press / Weekly Enema associate and writer, to take a look at some of the various options for sexual protection this holiday season Remember: Sex is a game that you can play with or without a partner, but just like dodgeball, its best to play with protection. Condoms: Found in the “Family Planning” section in every grocery store, the condom is probably the most used form of contraception, but don’t quote me on that. Not always sexy, but pretty effective as long as you put in on right; see the delightful illustrations on the inside of the box for details. Female Condom: It’s an inverted condom: a little latex sleeve that fits inside of a vagina. It’s about as hot as it sounds about as stylish, but it’s as effective as a traditional condom. While it allows gals to share the condom-bearing responsibility with their partners, it’s a little too strange for me. IUD: These used to be scary, copper doo-dads that caused all kinds of horrible problems, but technology has advanced pretty far since the 70’s. Now we have Mirena (mirena-us.com), which is smaller, plastic, and allows us to be free from worry every time we want to jump some guy. It’s proven to be 99.8 % effective and works for up to 5 years. The effects are easily reversible, should you decide (goddess forbid) to become fertile again. Mirena provides smaller and steadier doses than the pill. Of course this excellent little gadget doesn’t protect you against HIV/ AIDS or other sexually transmitted disease—only babies. Some say that there is a chance of uterine scarring with this product, but hell, there’s a possibility of uterine scarring when you walk out of your front door into a poorly placed fire poker. All of this fabulous protection can be spendy, so go to Planned Parenthood or the University Health Center and talk to the lovely and talented nurses there to get a better price. The Pill: What can I say? It works as long as you remember to take it every day around the same time. I have mixed feelings about the pill. It’s very available and somewhat low maintenance and works well - as long as you remember to
take it. If you skip a few days or don’t get your new pack in time all hell breaks loose; your body goes through withdrawal and your emotions go on a huge roller coaster—no fun for anyone. Did I mention you have to remember to take it everyday? For all that, it’s still effective and comes in several inexpensive varieties and flavors. Dumb Luck: Do I actually have to say it? I mean it’s even got “dumb” right there in the name. But since I know that it actually is important to say the words: Play the slots often enough and you will eventually win big, if you catch my drift. Unless of course you have a condition that makes it impossible for you to have children, in which case have all the sex you want, just avoid all those pesky diseases. Spermicide: It comes in many forms, all of which need to be shoved way (yes, all the way) up there to be effective. This anti-baby substance must be applied within half-an hour of sex to work well and must be left inside of the vagina for 8 hours after sex, so don’t douche until after that. Pretty inconvenient, if you ask me, but it’s out there. Also, it pairs well with condoms to augment effectiveness. On a side note, those “spermicidal lube” condoms are more expensive, have a shorter self-life and are exactly 0% more effective, studies say. Diaphragm: I’m sorry, I just think this one is ridiculous, so I apologize to those diaphragm-devotees out there. Seriously, girls, a rubber dome that fits over the cervix with the express purpose of holding spermicide in place? Seriously? How would you know if you’ve put it in the right place? And what if it gets dislodged during sex? I suppose the spermicide would protect you then, but I don’t feel that this is as reliable, or easy, as a condom or the pill. Abstinence: This is, of course, an option. Apparently people actually achieve this and claim to be happy about it. I don’t know how. I just love cock too much. Pull & Shoot: Doesn’t work. Most guys exude small beads of ejaculate as they get aroused, so there’s sperm wiggling around inside of you regardless. This is foolhardy and don’t let ANY guy talk you into this—he’s a guaranteed asshole.
By Hannah Belair - Hannah@thecomicpress.com The moment has arrived. You’re at McDonald’s, you’re ripped out of your mind, and you want a triple cheeseburger, fries, and a coke really, really bad. Suddenly you reach in your wallet and realize that you only have two dollars on you. Quit cussing and don‘t panic. I happen to be neighbors with a modern, Jewish, male Suze Oreman (minus the freakishly white teeth). My compadre long ago discovered ways to cheat McD‘s, a source of outrage among broke, hungry stoners. Those greedy bitches say something’s a dollar, tax you an extra twenty pence, and then give you a hamburger the size of Kevin Federline’s dick, with noticeably more infectious diseases. But, never fear, I’m here to tell you how to outsmart Ronald McDonald and tell him where he should put his smile. The first method I have is the Joe Thompsonã (copyrighted to protect the über-originality). Order a McChicken sandwich and double cheeseburger, both from the dollar menu. Then open up both halves of the cheeseburger, put the McChicken sandwich in the middle, and vertically smash it repeatedly until it’s all mashed into one. I’m betting that right now you have the same priceless expression on your face that I did when I first heard this. But my friend assured me that “yeah it’s kinda gross, but dude I swear it fills you up.” So for all you males out there who have an appetite rivaling Oprah’s, relax. You won’t be hungry after this, trust me. For anyone whose dignity prevents
them from resorting to such odd tactics (in other words, for anyone who doesn’t have the munchies), you can always try the Fattie Method. No, not the burgers, not the joints, but the obese muddafuckers who make their rounds everyday. Simply eat something partially, but DON’T eat more than half. Bring it up to the counter, and demand a replacement order because your food is cold. Act irritated or annoyed, so that all they’ll care about is shutting you up. This is tried and true, because really, if YOU were making minimum wage at McDonald’s, would you give a shit if someone was cheating your asshole corporate bosses out of a couple bucks? Exactly. But if nothing on the dollar menu suits you to combine into new creations, or you still don’t get your fill, then here’s a tip: don’t ever throw out a receipt again. Why? Because all you have to do is bring it back the next day to complain. It can be as petty as saying you didn’t want ketchup and they put it on there. Company policy says they have to give you a new order. Sometimes, if the employee is gullible or careless enough, you don’t need a receipt, but you might as well just not be a retard and save your receipt. This isn’t neuroscience here, buddy. So there you go. You may be unemployed or paralyzed or a fugitive of justice (bummer dude), but you’ll never go hungry at McDonald’s, or any fast food venue, again!
Valentine’s Day Candy Explained By Josh Clark - Josh@thecomicpress.com Our thin-obsessed culture may glorify extreme methods of achieving the ultimate in physical appearance, yet for some reason we also partake in the purchase of mass quantities of calorie-laden chocolates and candy hearts every Valentineís Day. Perhaps this custom hearkens back to our countryís early days when fat chicks were a highly treasured commodity, and women were a piece of property to be transferred from father to husband. Our society has come a long way since then, and we no longer subject women to such treatment, preferring instead to simply hold them to an impossibly high beauty standard that determines their worth as a human being. So, why do we shower the very people that we hope to keep anorexically thin with sugar on February 14th? What does it all mean? Is it a conspiracy that goes all the way to the top officials at Russell Stover? Perhaps. But I propose a simpler answer:
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The men of this country are giving the women candy to make up for the 364 days a year when they are expected to feel guilty every time they eat anything that’s not a dry salad. Are the males of America feeling remorse for the pressure placed on women to look like they’re starving? Of course not. They are motivated by only one thing, and that is the desire to get it on. This is the sole reason for every sugary treat distributed on Valentine’s Day. They might as well come with a card that says “let’s fuck.” If you really want to impress that special someone, you should stop beating around the bush and get something a little more direct. Make a mould of your penis and fill it with fine imported chocolate. The chocolate says “I’m classy” and the penis says “but not too classy to not do it right here on the floor.” It works every time.
Please send all phalic gifts to: Josh Clark (care/of The Comic Press) PO Box 51433, Eugene, Oregon, 97405 USA
Yes, this is a chocolate penis.
Page 7. Move along, nothing to see here
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Techno Tuesday by Andy Rememter <technotuesday.com>
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Reduce
Try not picking up the Daily Emerald or their shitty new magazine for a few days. Admit it, you just read it for 15 minutes in class, do the puzzles then leave it on the chair and the next person who sees it is all like, “lame, someone did all the puzzles already.”
Page 8. Can it be over so soon?
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