SECRETS OF HAPPY FAMILIES

By Christa Melnyk Hines

Happiness can vary depending on personal circumstances, of course. But why does it seem like some families are happier and more resilient, despite the obstacles life throws at them? Here we explore eight secrets of happy families.

1. They hang out together. Happy families have a strong sense of connection. Real connection can happen in as little as five minutes a day. Sit next to each other during homework time; cook together; read at bedtime; chat in the car.

Positive interactions in the first part of the day can carry kids through the their day, so create calm, cheerful mornings by prepping the night before or getting up a little earlier. Connecting during the first 30 minutes of the day and the last 30 minutes before bed is particularly important in helping family members feel calm, grounded and loved. So snuggle and cuddle in the morning; and don’t rush it! In the evening, stick to a bedtime routine, which should include reading with your kids and reflecting on the day (talk about things that went well, but also things that didn’t).

2. They cheer for each other. Celebrate your kids’ interests and praise their efforts rather than focusing on the outcome (positive or negative):

“I love watching you play!”

“I like how you colored this!”

“I can tell you really concentrated and gave it your best effort on your math test. I’m very proud of you!”

When we praise our children, their self-esteem increases. Increased self-esteem leads to good behavior.

3. They seek fulfillment. Material possessions like electronics and toys might bring fleeting joy, but not lasting contentment.

We can’t teach our kids to know true happiness if we ourselves are looking to external sources to feed our own joy. This includes relying on others for validation, which can lead to unhealthy behaviors like peoplepleasing or obsessing over ”likes” on social media — both of which can lead to feelings of unworthiness and shame.

Research suggests that children who grow up to be happy adults are encouraged early on to engage in activities they enjoy and that help develop their strengths. Foster their innate sense of curiosity and explore a variety of activities with your kids, ranging from hobbies to volunteer work. The intrinsic rewards of participating in activities that deliver personal gratification contribute to positive self-esteem and confidence.

4. They eat together. Research shows eating dinner together can lower the potential for substance abuse, teen pregnancy and depression. Kids who dine with their parents are more likely to have higher grade point averages, increased self-esteem and even stronger vocabularies. Turn off the TV; put away smartphones: be fully present and engaged at dinner.

5. They show affection. Families today face a lot of stress. One simple, proven antidote is to hug more. An eight-second hug is one of the easiest ways to simultaneously give and receive self-care. An eight-second hug releases oxytocin and other stress-relieving “feel-good” hormones. Hug your babies. Hug your kids. Hug your partner. HUG HUG HUG!

6. They goof off. Play and laugh together so your kids get to experience you as human. Sing unabashedly together in the car; make up zany songs when it’s time to brush teeth; exchange riddles or jokes (the sillier the better!); jam to funky music in your living room, make funny faces to defuse tense situations.

Follow your child’s lead. Play dolls or Legos or do a craft together. If your child likes to ride bikes, explore new trails together. Schedule a family board game night (or play video games together, but in moderation).

7. They create community. Not all parents can rely on extended family to provide positive emotional and practical support. In that’s the case for you, focus on building friendships in your neighborhood, at church or through your child’s school or extracurricular activities.

8. They honor emotions. Empathize with your child when they’re upset; listen and validate their feelings; help them verbally label their emotions. Avoid taking your child’s behavior personally or rushing to fix their problems. Given the opportunity, kids can often peacefully problem-solve and negotiate with siblings and playmates without parental interference.

Kids who learn to self-soothe move through negative emotions faster. These same kids also tend to form stronger friendships, which is another key to long-term happiness.