36 minute read
MY BLISSFUL IMAGE
depression robbed me of 4 years of my life! It robbed me of being the best mom and wife I could be. I can not get that back! I never want to be in that state of mind again. I make it a point to make sure my weekly self care needs are met. I still struggle with anxiety daily. Once in a while depression makes its way back into my life and tries to hold me hostage. Sometimes PTSD makes an unexpected visit. My mental health battles are never completely over, however I’ve learned how to manage them in a healthy way. Some battles are harder to overcome & for those I heavily lean on to my support team.
Many people feel that seeking assistance from a mental health care provider is not for them. If this is your belief, there are alternatives. It is not the end of the road. Connect yourself to a support group. Nowadays there are so many online! Surround yourself with people that you feel may be able to add value to you. Go on a spiritual journey, learn a different skill, pick up a different hobby. Get out of your comfort zone and try new things. Always keep in mind that self-care is not a luxury, it’s essential!
SORRY I’VE OFFENDED YOU
BY DENISE “KARMA” CLIFFORD
I’m so sick and tired of hearing about how offensive everything is to everyone lately. When are people going to stop searching for reasons to be offended and just understand life is made to be offensive. It’s how we grow and learn and become strong enough as individuals to weather the storms of life. Mankind was not created equal, that’s just science. And so sometimes, we need to learn how to be offended for real.
So, let’s talk about the individuals who seek out the offense in every sentence, every word or action. The ones standing just on the edge waiting to pounce on words and reconstruct them in a way to convince you that you are offensive. Like for instance that one time I was announcing for a local all female sport, And I called them ladies, ladies. Let me reiterate here too, All female sport, says it right in the title of the nation wide organization.
And even though this sport is inclusive to men transforming themselves to women, it’s still considered an all women sport. My opinion on the inclusion is irrelevant. Even when I participated, I too competed right alongside these once men, now women athletes. My opinion never mattered and I truly didn’t care. As for me, I competed with boys and men my entire life. Yet other women spoke of the unfairness of it, But that is neither her nor there. For me, I didn’t care, I just loved to compete, and especially win. Especially winning against a boy.
But that is not today’s topic. Apparently when I spoke of the ladies as an announcer to an all woman sport, I am offensive. I received an email the next day from
the committee who keeps the peace to inform me of my offensive language, and how I needed to publicly apologize as well as express how I would refrain from such offensive language in the future. I honestly had to reread this email, about ten times as there is no way calling women ladies is offensive. If that’s the case then the world truly has gone to shit.
You can bet I hopped right onto my laptop to reach back and let them know how in fact I would not do as they requested. My response was not what they wanted to hear, and I am true to self and so I said what any gal like me would say. I let them know I’d be sure to continue to call them ladies, ladies. And no, I wasn’t sorry for a thing. I knew at that point I would be resigning as the announcer, and would resign, in person. At the next game. After announcing for them ladies. But Then the world shut down, and isolation of interactions began. And social media justice warriors became the new pseudo hero of the day. And yet again, karma offends the weak minded.
How is this so? You ask. Well unbeknownst to me, the offended are always lurking and looking for ways to be offended. Twisting what you say and conforming it into an offense. When it truly isn’t. But I can be offensive, I know how. Yet this was not one of the times I choose to offend. Apparently a month after a post I shared on my personal social media page, I was going to receive yet another email. The peacekeepers, or easily offended as I’d like to refer to them, had joined together to twist a meme I shared into an offense which again they were going to request my apologies, why it was wrong and how
I would not do such an offensive thing again. The email never made it, as my good friend and president of the ladies league reached out and asked me to go get coffee. Restrictions were now lifting and so we could meet up have a coffee and discuss what I did so wrong toward the league. What was so offensive this time around. Apparently when I shared a meme of kids throwing tantrums that said “Remember these kids?” And then adults doing the same stating “they grew up now.” Was offensive enough to three individuals who were asking for a public apology and how I’ve learned my lesson.
I laughed and asked my friend to let them know and I quote to %#%# off. I expressed how if any of these soft skinned cowards would have personally engaged in a private conversation with me, and ask me about how the meme pertains to me, they would have learned a little something about Karma. Something along the lines of how I stand behind the rule of disciplining children as to make for adults who don’t feel entitled. How I’ve raised not only my 3 children, but over the years countless other children. How one of the greatest rewards is watching a child flourish into an independent self sufficient thick skinned individual.
Who knows the difference between being offended, and searching for the offense to play the victim. That the meme actually didn’t pertain to one of them, and the fact that they wanted to claim I offended them. So yeah, I learned my lesson. The lesson that the few months since I’ve heard this, and the label they have put on me as to having offended them, I’d like to let them know what being offended truly is. It isn’t a meme, that means something totally different to me than the agenda and label you placed upon it and me to feel sorry for by me calling you a lady onthe track? Or is it the fact that you’re a middle aged housewife pretending that one day you will actually be as good at the sport as your daughter is? That the midlife crisis of wanting to be cool at an all women’s sport, yet only good enough to pretend to the kids as a half rate coach who never actually played the sport, and never will make that first rate team.
Or is it the ethnic card I could throw at you and make funny Innuendos about dirty knees and such. And straw hats and rice patties.
These types of things would be offensive, for real. But I did not take it upon myself to go ahead and let your words of “Karma offended me” ring true, as I’m not an offensive person.
But now I suppose you can read this and now you can claim I’ve offended you. And now it would be true.
yourself. Me offending you would go a little like this.
Your upset I called ladies, ladies? Is it because you in fact take offense because you’re more of a man than the female version of yourself you married, and he follows you around like a scared little housewife jumpin whenever you say so? Is it because you in fact are a man in transition? Is that why you were offended
BEAUTIFY ME
BY GABRIELLA ROSE FIEDERLEIN
Are you struggling to find the perfect minimal morning and night skin care regiment? We are talking ten minutes or less. BeautifyMe has Licensed Medical Skin Care Aestheticians who have great recommendations for clients who don’t know where to start.
Whether you may have dry, oily, or normal skin that have flaws, we need great and easy products that can not only fix our flaws, but also our confidence and life! As a Licensed Skin Specialist, we know how important it is to have a full on regiment, and do recommend treatments from a medical spa but for those who can not, that’s why they sell DIY products/machinery! We see so many advertisements through social media or paid posts from influencers that advise us to try out products that for the most part are not good for us- but seem like it because of the person that posts it.
We fall for it because we support that celebrity or influencer without realizing what the ingredients functions actually are! They have all of these long and intimidating names-each ingredient- yet don’t realize how important they are. People question when they buy the advertised product after using it for a month or so, they ask themselves… “why did it make my skin worse when it worked for him or her?” The answer is because it is not what your skin needed, in fact, it is the opposite. Most likely that influencer or celebrity didn’t actually use that product at all.
When you realize the concerns you decide to take action in taking care of, find a local licensed specialist and ask for their opinion! Do NOT ask Google questions. When you discuss the importance of good products, ask the specialist what types of ingredients would benefit you? There is no need to hesitate when they name all of these ingredients or products, we only need to focus on the most important! When you learn about those specific ingredients, find a few products that contain those ingredients! Before and after a long busy
day of work I like to feel great, and fresh. Cleansing, toning, serums, moisturizer, eye cream, SPF is my morning routine.
The trick is to remember, thinnest to thickest for the application process. Cleansing, toning, serums, eye cream, retinol is my night routine. Cleansing without toning doesn’t promise you that your face is completely clean. I like to take a cotton ball, applying the toner and then softly start with my forehead and swipe outwards throughout my whole face. You will notice the extra oils that are being cleansed away. Now you are probably wondering what I use. My skin type is a combination of dry and oily with hormonal acne as my condition. In the winter, I have more dry skin where when summer arrives, my face tends to be a bit oily in my t-zone. A t-zone is the areas of your brows, in between, and your nose, with the areas underneath your eyes. Because of that, my products change.
My regiment remains the same. In the winter (combo/dry) I start off with the medical skinbrand PCA Creamy Cleanser. Benefits include leaving the skin smoother and firmer, soft and supple. Next, a toner. I LOVE witchhazel. Witchhazel is a natural ingredient that helps to tighten the skin, and is an antibacterial. You can buy any brand of this, your whole regiment doesn’t need to be contained of the same brand for every product, otherwise you might go broke! Next up, serums! When my skin is dry I love to use pure hyaluronic acid. It is the number one ingredient for your skin that helps with hydration.
There are several hyaluronic acid serums but most are mixed with these extra ingredients that might not be necessary and can do more harm than good. I use the serum with the brand Provence Beauty. Creates change and the price isn’t scary! For an eye cream, I really use a retinol based eye cream at night to prevent aging and a hydrating eye cream in the morning for a brighter complexion and hydration. I usually buy an eye cream from any brand that has fewer ingredients and none
that has the opposite effect of what I want. Even Neutrogena, or Olay! A retinol no matter what is going to be on the more expensive aside out of everything else. When your skin is dry, the retinols you would look for are ones that would help conditions like aging, rosacea, acne, or hyperpigmentation and sun damage. The retinol that has changed my life is the PCA retinol.
I switch from the “Intensive Clarity Treatment” for acne, and the “Intensive Aging Treatment” for anti-aging effects. Retinol is a true game changer but ONLY for the night time. When you apply it in the morning-don’t- and you walk out into the sun, it can cause more skin damage by burning your skin at a more increased rate than normal. In the summer (combo/oily) I start off with the medical skinbrand “PCA BPO 5% Cleanser”. Benefits include exfoliation benefits, an antibacterial, calming and soothing of acneic skin. The next step might sound absolutely dangerous and insane to you, and I can promise you that no other specialist would agree, but for a toner I use pure acetone. Yes, you read that right. Acetone. It disinfects.
After a nice cleanse, I take the deepest risk of an extreme second cleansing of the extra debris and oils. This has always worked for my skin type of combo/oily and will 100% work on just oily skin. My acne went down, my skin is cleaner, disinfected (LOL), and next a serum. Provence Beauty Collagen Serum. Our skin is already made of collagen so why not apply more for extra revival. Not only will your skin be glowing but collagen increases the natural elasticity of your skin. Elasticity means stretchiness. For example, take your pointer finger and start from the bottom of your cheek and push up! That movement is elasticity. When it is nice and smooth, that means you’re hydrated but when you see fine little lines, you need hydration! The same goes for an eye cream, anyone that is good for hydration! Make sure that none of your skincare products contain fragrance.
Though it might smell delicious, it will only dry out your skin. For a moisturizer I use and recommend “PCA ClearSkin Moisturizer”. I have never enjoyed extremely heavy moisturizers so the ones I use and recommend feel light on the skin and does not contain oil. Benefits include reducing discoloration due to breakouts, it targets ingredients that balance moisture level, contains plant extracts that purify and calm the skin. For an SPF, I love a good weightless protection. I normally use the Neutrogena Clear Face Sunscreen Lotion SPF 55.
Not only is it light weight but it is oil-free, non comedogenic, and non greasy. That means no clogged pores or excess shine! Additionally, once a week I would add in a mask for whatever extra benefit I’m interested in and once a month I would perform a chemical peel on myself!
The closest medical grade chemical peel that is sold to anyone and everyone without a license is from the brand “The Ordinary” and is also sold at Ulta. I 100% recommend, and after applying, I leave it on for half an hour. When it is time to remove the product, I grab a cold wet soft wash cloth and instead of swiping it off roughly feather it softly off. It is a stronger peel than expected so if you remove it roughly, it might burn a bit. Now reading all of this, it sounds like a lot but in reality, it takes under ten minutes for both of the morning and night regiments. For people who like to add more, a microdermabrasion or dermaplaning service once a month will produce beautiful results. Doing the small things to take care of yourself both internally and externally increase self confidence in the end. My ultimate advice is take this advice.
Take what you read and put it into action. Invest in your skin with good products, because what you put on your skin is what you get out of it. Just like the saying “you are what you eat”. So eat well. Self confidence can not be beat so continue to take care of your skin. Help BeautifyMe Beautify you! For daily inspiration and beauty tips, please follow @BeautifyMe247 on Instagram!
{ TRUTH TEA WITH TALENA SKYE } “THE SPIRIT OF ENTREPRENEURSHIP”
BY TALENA SKYE
SPILLING THE TEA FROM A GODLY PERSPECTIVE
What does the bible say about creativity? As God created man, and since we were made in His image, we can interpret this as we are little creators just as God created us which is considered a creative act. The creative spirit is certainly favored by God and man. Some may not know this, but our gifts and talents are given to us by God. He gives us creativity, talents and witty inventions to help us on the path to our destiny in life. Whatever profession we are in life, can be the catalyst to our God given destiny especially when we use our abilities for good to make the world a better place! I remember when I started my career in teaching. I loved working with children helping them to become better little people. Before my professional career, I used to babysit many kids in the neighborhood and would set up my house as a classroom. I remember pretending to be my little brother’s teacher by giving him lessons in reading, math, spelling and much learning as at the age of 2 years old.
When my brother entered preschool, he knew far beyond what the teachers were teaching at the time. By the time he entered kindergarten, he was super smart! My mom was so proud when she visited his teacher and the teacher said to her...”You have a smart little boy!” My mom replied, “My daughter is his teacher lol! It was during that time I realized I wanted to teach. I went to college to achieve my credentials in Early Childhood education. I attended many classes and workshops to help me stay updated in my teaching methods. My favorite teaching areas
are reading and music education. The love for these areas of teaching led me to becoming a licensed business owner of Kindermusik. I also started my own business, Reading Reaps Rewards Early Childhood Enrichment Program. I attended Kindermusik University. Kindermusik is the world’s leading provider of music-based education for children from birth through age seven. Reading Reaps Rewards help me teach what I love while becoming a role model for children. I partnered with Hudson Play in Jersey City, NJ, a physical development and fun place for kids. Due to the economic results from Covid 19, the business is in danger of closing which puts the partnership in jeopardy!
Life during the pandemic has made it such a struggle for businesses to stay in operation. I am hustling, pushing, reinventing many aspects of my business to stay in operation. I love teaching children and helping them grow in learning. Helping children become the best they can be, while developing confidence to succeed, is the best feeling ever. It far exceeds any paycheck. As we are in the new wave of doing thngs to stay afloat in business. I opted to give online teaching a try. Virtual teaching has been a huge challenge however, hard work and determination has kept me in the loop of operating businesses and for that, I am thankful to God!
www.readingreapsrewards.org @ReadingReapsRewards-Instagram
www.cherese.kindermusik.com
{ WELLNESS 360 } IMPORTANCE OF CORE STABILITY
BY BETH PARRY
Core stability may be the most crucial component in your exercise program. As we age, we begin to lose the battle against gravity. Our muscles start to become flaccid, our spine starts to wear and tear, and our posture slowly begins to fight gravity. As these things happen, our body works harder to keep ourselves upright, causing back pain and chronic fatigue. If we can improve core strength correctly, we can reverse or completely cure our low back pain. Having a strong core improves our pain levels, posture and improves our balance. These components are an essential part of aging. Before we dive deeper into strengthening your core, let’s first eliminate the myths surrounding core strength.
1# COMMON MYTH:
I am going to get 6-pack abs. While you may be developing your abs underneath the surface, you will not get a flat stomach by doing these exercises. Having definition in your stomach is accomplished by a strict diet, cardio, strengthening, and genetics.
#2 COMMON MYTH
Your core is just the stomach muscles. Your core actually consists of your pelvic floor, diaphragm, glutes, back stabilizing muscles, and your multidimensional layers of abdominal muscles. Strengthening just the stomach muscles leads to muscle imbalances causing postural dysfunction and chronic pain.
#3 COMMON MYTH
You can “target” your low abs. Guess what? There are no “low abs.” The muscles you are working on when Targeting the “low-abs” are your hip flexors. While these are important muscles to strengthen, they can become imbalanced, causing excessive pulling on your low back. Having a strong core is about bringing balance to your body. When strengthening your core correctly, there is no reason to “target” your ab work.
#4 COMMON MYTH
Sucking in your gut is protecting your spine. I see this a lot. I cue someone to brace their core, and they end up holding their breath and their rib cage flares. Bracing the core is more than pulling in your belly button. Bracing the core is like blowing up a balloon. When you begin to blow the balloon, notice your stomach. Hold that contraction and continue to breathe in and out smoothly. This will take practice!
The key to building an appropriate core routine is consistency and form. Because low back pain is so common, I keep my core routine with the spine in a neutral position. This means no crunches, no back extensions, and no rotations. If I am working with someone one on one, I can better evaluate the reason for their back pain, and I can advise more appropriately. Let’s discuss 2 of my “go-to” core exercises when I am developing a fitness program.
BRIDGING:
These are great exercises to build your glute strength, decreasing low back pain, and improving your posture.
• Lie down on your back with your knees bent and feet close to your glutes.
• Slowly engage your glutes and press into the heels of your feet.
• Lift your butt off the floor and toward the ceiling.
• Keep your knees stable and hipwidth apart.
• Hold for 2-3 seconds and return to the floor.
• Complete 3 sets of 10
PLANKING:
Planking is an exercise that can be done by anyone if modified correctly. It is a great exercise to engage your entire core at once. The quality of your form is the most crucial part of the plank.
Modifications for a plank: • Beginners: Hands on an elevated surface like a chair or countertop. Starting on the floor but on your knees.
• Advance: Hands on the floor or forearms on the floor.
• Play around with the modifications to find the right starting position for you
Here is the appropriate way to complete a plank.
• Start at the top of a push-up position.
• Engage your core, squeeze your glutes, and press your body away from the mat.
• Keep your neck in good alignment by looking about 6-12 inches in front of your hands. • Keep your shoulders stacked over your wrist. • Tuck your tailbone under and drop your hips into a nice straight alignment.
• Engage your core by pulling your ribcage and your pelvis toward each other. This is not a significant motion, just a slight adjustment.
• Start by holding this position for 10 seconds and increase your time working up to a minute or more. . You are guaranteed to see these exercises in almost all of my classes, physical therapy sessions, or online programs. These can be completed at any age, weight, or gender. When done correctly, they are a gamechanger in your core strength. If you are looking to build your core and unsure where to turn, Wellness 360 has multiple options. We can guide you through online programs, blogs, YouTube videos, group fitness classes, or individual physical therapy. We have virtual or in-person options for all. Check us out at www. wellness360fitness.com.
PURPOSE
A phone call with a girlfriend the other day made me stop and think about life.
We were chatting and catching up when she blurted out that she was at cross-roads. She was questioning whether she should shift back and embrace her underwhelming job and ride out the next ten years, or ‘dig in’ and do something different with her life, somewhere else, and really get inspired.
We have been care-takers for decades and now in our fifties we struggle with our new role; how to take care of ourselves.
The past year has made it a whole lot easier to want to hang up career ambitions and coast into retirement. Working from home, living in sweatpants, and not having to wear makeup has simplified our chaotic life. It is no wonder with ten years to the finish line we are wrestling with our purpose.
It took a year-long break from the rat-race to get us thinking about what is next.
Did getting time at home, kill our ambition? Striving for the corner office seems sort of silly now that there are no longer any more offices to go to.
Thirty years ago, my generation of women entered the workforce fueled by the idea of ‘having it all’.
BY ROBIN DEWIND
In the end, all it was, was exhausting. Sexism in the workplace was inherent and overlooked.
Being invited to share a late-night soak in a hot tub by a married boss made my stomach turn.
Having my earrings taken off my desk and held hostage by an older colleague who promised to give them back only if I met him in the parking lot after work made me afraid.
The casual rear-end squeeze by a respected judge who wanted to know if I needed a “news tip” was shocking and insulting.
Looking back, sadly the impact was minimal in comparison to the daily pressure of needing to succeed.
Three-decades of constantly trying to prove my value in a competitive work-culture that required long hours while juggling a family and a personal life was honestly harder to manage. We hang on to the paycheck and cling to vacations. Our job never really ends because home and kids are what we love but by the end of every day we are out of gas and left feeling guilty.
Ironically, the pandemic has given us an opportunity to fill up the our tank. Sitting in a Zoom meeting, listening to the boss drone on about the “the team” and all the “great work” being done during this “difficult time” is enough to make anyone ponder their future, especially women over fifty. We have already listened to enough for a lifetime.
The pandemic has already pushed so many in our demographic checkbox out of their careers. If you are lucky enough to have a good job you feel like there is a target on your back, simply because of your age.
Our career pathway to retirement is coming up short. 55 is now the new 65 for women in the workplace; an emphasis on youth, beauty, and technology is taking over.
Despite our experience, and wealth of knowledge, we are left feeling invisible.
Do not let it.
Pivot.
Instead, get inspired by the opportunity that is being presented.
We have worked, raised our kids, and now we are left with what to do with ourselves. It is okay to be a little afraid of what is next. Early retirement is fine, I think learning golf could be fun. But if you are not ready to go to the pitcher of martini’s just yet, think about making a change.
If you are unhappy, bored, terrified, marginalized, unemployed, (or want to be) then start small; interview, network, change your hair, take a class, reconnect, write, read, invest, learn something new, just start!
I say this with knowledge and experience.
Three months shy of my 50th birthday. I was replaced by someone half my age and a third of my salary.
It was not a pandemic, but it felt like a tsunami.
I spent so much energy trying to hold on to my salary that I lost my focus, my job, and my self-worth. I was told by my general manager to “pursue new opportunities.” It was a simple budget cut. All those years of loyalty, working hard, and sacrificing went away during a fifteenminute conversation in an upstairs office while my replacement was getting an employee of the month award downstairs.
I took my severance papers and left and never looked back. I was heartbroken. I thought I had lost my purpose in life. The idea of starting my career over was debilitating. I cried, prayed, and beat myself up for weeks.
Eventually, instead of looking in my rearview mirror, I chose to look forward where the view is a lot bigger. It was a ‘networking coffee’ with an acquaintance that changed my perspective. He said, “what do you want to do now?” I automatically replied, “tell stories.” He simply said, “then do it, figure out how.”
Sixteen months of rejection and
after being told I had “too much experience”, I finally took his advice and created my own business. I found balance for the first time in my life. It was not easy or cheap, but it was freeing.
I am a professional storyteller and clients hire me to help them share their stories through video. I am my own boss I work from my home and more importantly I am my own person.
I do not think my girlfriend is alone in her dilemma. I will always choose inspiration over stagnation.
The need for balance and purpose is tugging at all of us these days. We have been given the chance to take a breath, to be home, see our kids, know our neighbors, and enjoy the simple things in life like a beautiful day or a good cup of coffee without being rushed. Breathe in and consider what you want for the first time in a long time.
Learn who you are, what you are good at, what you love, and how you want to contribute.
It is not too late to live a life with purpose.
INTIMACY VERSUS ISOLATION
BY WILLIAM KELLY, LCSW-R, DIPLOMATE IN SEX THERAPY
April is child abuse prevention month. While an awareness month helpfully allows us to bring attention to an issue that is often overlooked, in the field of sex therapy we are considering the consequences of child sexual abuse all year round.
The overwhelming percentage of sexual harm done to children comes from people those children know and trust. The adult or adolescent engaging in sexual harm are like most other persons involved in criminal activity. They do not want to get caught. And if caught, they want their victim or victims to deny that the sexual abuse happened.
To achieve their goals of sexual gratification without criminal consequences, the sexual offender “grooms” the child. Grooming can be defined as establishing a high degree of trust, creating a special and secret intimacy, and treating that child with often unlimited regard. Gifts, special favors, being treated as an equal by an adult are often part of this process. Intimidation arrives in the form of dire outcomes if their secrets are revealed. Loss of seeing the person, letting the child know that s/he will be responsible for bad things happening, or that the child will be blamed and sent away add to the sexual offender’s sense of safety. The sexual offender, despite claims to the contrary, takes his or her time to gain mastery over their child victim(s). The defenses that, “my hand slipped,” “I was drunk, I don’t know what happened…” are seldom accurate or true. Most sexual offenders, again with an eye to their own safety slowly cross physical boundaries with their victim(s). They are gauging whether the child will protest or expose the offender’s behavior. When no repercussions to the offender are forthcoming, more boundaries are crossed.
At the same time the sexual offender is grooming the child, s/he is grooming the family, the caregivers and others who supervise the child. Sexual abuse occurs out of sight. Out of the sight of the public, and out of the sight of supervising adults. The sexual offender must gain the trust of the family and others in order to have that child out of sight. The violation of trust for that child is profound. Not only does the sexual offender break the bonds of trust, but the adults with the responsibility to guard and protect the child betray the child.
The public generally thinks sexual abuse is about a sexual act or acts. In children, as with many adolescents and adults sexual abuse is much more profound. The process of grooming often mirrors the process of courtship. It mirrors the development of a mutual and trusting intimate relationship between two older adolescents or adults.
Survivors who were sexually abused through the process of grooming find themselves confused, angry, and wanting to isolate when they are faced with the potential of a mutual intimate adult sexual relationship. When they try to push themselves into sexual contact with their adult partner, fears of sexual inadequacy, barriers to abandonment to sexual pleasure arise. For the partners, the observed behaviors are bewildering and lead to estrangement.
For some survivors, they watch and are aware that their bodies are responding physically to sexual scenarios, but that they are not there. They are spectators; not emotionally or at times sexually connected with their partner.
Erik Erikson wrote the Eight Stages of Psychosocial Development. Early adulthood to the 40s Erikson defines as the Stage of Intimacy versus Isolation. If a person has successfully emerged from adolescence with a good sense of self, then one begins the next step of sharing her or his life with others. When the previous Eriksonian stages have been altered in negative ways, pursuing solid long-term relationships becomes problematic. Often, instead of the development of intimate relationships, people report being isolated emotionally and an enduring sense of loneliness.
For survivors stumbling from childhood to adolescence to adulthood carry the weight of mistrust, shame and doubt, guilt, inferiority, and role confusion. These states collide with the new task of forming intimate relationships. The survivor finds oneself isolated, even when surrounded by intimate friends and partners.
Moving from victim to survivor is a journey that requires tenacity and guidance. Action comes in the form of self-exploration with the help of others prepared to do this work. An acknowledgement that sexual abuse may have had an impact, and that the building blocks of one’s psychosexual development are altered, are essential tools of the journey. For many, sex therapy can be the agent of positive change on this journey.
Sex therapy is a form of behavioral therapy generally combined with psychotherapy. The sex therapist, working with the client or the client and partner endeavor to unmask the triggers that bring fright and anger rather than connection and pleasure. The sex therapist looks to change the default from isolation to intimacy. Giving mastery to the individual over their boundaries, while at the same time reclaiming their own sexuality, their sexual pleasure and sexual identity.
Intimacy versus isolation. We can help you take back that which was taken. William Kelly, LCSW-R, DST has been in the field of sex therapy for over 40 years. His practice includes the treatment of sexual functioning problems, addressing sexual behavior issues/sexual compulsions, supporting persons in the process of gender transition, and sexual identity integration. He has been adjunct faculty and lecturer for numerous universities on topics associated with human sexuality.
SEX*
*NOW THAT WE HAVE YOUR ATTENTION...
Announcing Western New York’s first comprehensive resource for sexual and relationship wellness and menopause medicine.
Introducing the Rochester Center for Sexual Wellness where sexual medicine specialists and certified sex therapists offer a holistic approach to sexual and relationship wellness.
Offering confidential and open-minded care to people of all genders and sexualities that is specifically designed to help YOU meet YOUR GOALS. Also, featuring a nationally certified menopause medicine specialist to help make mid-life your BEST LIFE
CALL US AT 585-865-3584 FIND OUT MORE AT WWW.ROCHESTERCENTERFORSEXUALWELLNESS.COM
SEPARATION AND DIVORCE
THE MOST SUPPORTIVE PROCESS-
We all get married thinking that we will stay together forever. When that turns out not to be the case it is common to feel anger, fear, sadness, distrust, and confusion. It is also possible that you will feel relieved and hopeful about the future if you are the one seeking the divorce. Either way, you need to be informed. Everyone you talk with will have their own stories about divorce (“divorce” will also refer to “separation)”. You may talk to family, friends, therapists, financial advisors, etc. You may have no idea where to turn or what options are available.
When you are faced with or are contemplating Separation or Divorce, the best advice I can give is talk to a Collaborative Law Attorney. Collaborative Law will provide you personal support, legal advice, and peace of mind that you are going to have control over what is happening in your life. You have choices and you have an opportunity to reduce conflict which will benefit you and your children.
Many Collaborative Attorneys give free initial consultations, some charge an hourly rate. Whatever the case, your time and money will be well spent meeting with a professional who can give you insight and information regarding your personal circumstances. What is a Collaborative Law Attorney?
BY JULIE V. MERSEREAU
and Matrimonial attorneys who know that there is a better way for couples to separate and divorce. Most of us have had years of experience in court-based litigation models of divorce and have decided to work in a process that is constructive and not destructive to families. We are dedicated to keeping couples out of court and to empower them to make their own informed decisions about what is best for their family and themselves.
What is Collaborative Law?
The collaborative law process is a thoughtful reasoned approach to resolving separation, divorce and parenting issues that gives all parties a voice and keeps the couple out of court. It is a supportive private and voluntary process that empowers you to resolve your conflict without a judge making decisions for you. The collaborative process offers you a safe, dignified environment to reduce conflict and minimize its impact on you, your children, your family, and your lives.
Collaborative Law is a successful and supportive process for the following reasons:
• Benefits Children- You and your collaborative team address the specific challenges children face when parents divorce. Parents, not the courts, decide what is best for their children.
• Provides Individual Support- Each collaborative attorney is an advocate for their client guiding them to reach a balanced agreement for optimal results.
• Focuses on the Future- Divorce is both an ending and a beginning. Collaborative law helps you transition to the next stage of your life with less conflict. Since most divorce agreements involve issues that will change over time, particularly if you have children, it is critical that you have an agreement that will be durable over time and can be modified without needing to go to court.
• Reduces the Cost of Divorce - Legal Fees are a significant cost in a divorce yet the legal aspects of a divorce, while critically important, are not the only things that matter. One way to reduce the cost is to think in terms of effective use of any divorce professional in your case. Your Collaborative Attorney helps you understand the law and your options and aid in negotiating a settlement. A Non- Collaborative Attorney who contributes to conflict through arguments, lengthy letters or motions may increase conflict, making it harder for you to reach a settlement and much higher cost.
• Use of Neutral Professionals- While divorce is overall a legal process, there are emotional, financial, and other issues that are more effectively addressed by other professionals. Employing financial neutrals, child specialists, mental health professionals, coaches or mediators to target your specific concerns, clears the way to
