HER EDGE

{ HOPING & COPING } RECOGNIZE, RESPECT, RELEASE

BY MELINDA FINN

In all my years of dealing with cancer, both within my own body and with others suffering from it, I developed a system to cope with it that has proved to be alarmingly effective. There is so much that goes on in the mind of a cancer patient. The whole world loses its shape. It’s incredibly overwhelming. The patient is t the only one suffering however. The caregivers are also. Getting a cancer diagnosis forces the question of mortality. A question nobody enjoys confronting. That’s how I can up with the three r’s as a way to carry people through the troubled waters.

The first one is recognize. You have to recognize the emotions you are feeling and not deny them. It’s easy to deny emotions it see them as negative. Or even deny a situation because it’s too overwhelming. But denying those feelings can only make things worse as they will linger until you can’t ignore them. I really wouldn’t recommend that. There’s too much to deal with for that to happen. So instead of ignoring how you feel, own it. Say it out loud. If you’re feeling angry or anxious or sad or scared - whatever it may be. Declare it! You will be surprised at how liberating that is. Just saying it out loud, whether it’s to yourself or to others, is a giant relief. A relief you need and deserve.

Which leads to the second step, respect. Although these feelings are considered negative, they’re really not unless you hang onto them. That’s why need to respect them for what they are. These are not just emotions or reactions, they’re instincts. They’re meant to be temporary. They are there to put you on high alert! Warnings to get you to be aware and pay attention. Respect that. We, as humans, have a built in alarm

system. So be aware! Pay attention! Do some research on whatever you’ve been told. Talk to cancer agencies or other friends or family members. Advocate for yourself. You know your own body better than any physician because you’re the only one living in it. If you think your doctor is missing something, demand attention to it. Doctors are incredibly busy people with a plethora of patients. Sometimes they slip. That’s not that their fault, they’re human. It is up to you to make sure you’re being heard.

Perhaps the most difficult “r” is release. Sounds easier than it may be. Because these emotions are temporary, you need to let them go. If you hang on to them, just like a delicious fruit, it will become rotten. Try to imagine a rotten fruit. What do you think would happen if you ate it and put inside of your body? Your body now needs your full on attention. Positive energy will help you get ready for battle and armor you to fight the enemy - cancer. People have different ways of releasing these feelings. Find yours. For me, it’s writing in my journal. For others it’s some kind of physical exercise. Some watch a sad movie and cry it out. Others watch a funny movie and laugh it out. Whatever you need to do - do it! Cancer is one thing that’s going on your life. You are made up of many, many things. Don’t let this disease own you or it will.

The unofficial fourth “r” is repeat. This may not be the only scary, shocking thing you hear on your journey. Repeat the three “r’s”! It’s remarkably liberating! You have so much to live for. It’s worth fighting for, trust me. Trust you!

THE WEDDING DRESS

I have not been invited to an out-oftown wedding in years. My girlfriend’s daughter was getting married and she invited me and another friend to come as guests. She did not say it, but it was implied; significant others are staying home so us girls can have some fun.

My married friend jumped at the idea. The three of us spend hours on FaceTime laughing and talking about fashion. Both of my friends work in retail, and it is what bonded us from the beginning.

I would shop and they would sell. One night, we decided to meet in the mall after work for a glass of wine (another common denominator) to talk about cloths. We have been buddies ever since.

The wedding was in Delaware in an affluent area with upscale venues, restaurants, and hotels so my friend and I saw this as a girls get-away weekend and a chance to up our shopping game.

I had six-weeks to get ready for the three-day extravaganza, and I could not find anything to wear.

I attempted to order from my go-to shops first, but sizes and styles were limited. I perused every store at the mall, stalked Instagram, Pinterest, and YouTube nightly looking for inspiration. Desperate orders on Amazon left me heading to the UPS Store each week with returns.

With proms and weddings already underway, I was about three weeks too late. This was supposed to be fun, but I felt like Goldilocks; everything was too

BY ROBIN DEWIND

tight, too short, too tacky. Would I have to resort to wearing the boing black jumpsuit that was hanging in my closet from the last “event” I attended?

Why was shopping suddenly so hard? I have two large closets full of jeans, blouses, blazers, and work dresses. Have I forgotten how to get really dressed up?

It was my last stop with a week to go before the event and I found myself back at Von Maur; not in the younger trendy section downstairs, but up upstairs, where the ladies shop. In the last week I had morphed into “mother-of-the-bride” mode and convinced myself that my days were numbered when it came to feeling stylish ever again.

With a half-an-hour to go until closing, a salesperson who was at least ten years my senior said she liked one dress of the five dresses I tried on. “That dress fits you like a glove and it’s so appropriate.”

I flinched.

My inner voice was telling me to run as fast as I could to get away from this woman who offered no real fashion sense of her own but was trying to convince me that that my dress was good enough. I felt so beaten down by own thoughts of feeling too old for sexy and trendy that I took her compliment right to the register. The dress was comfortable, and I did not even have to contort my body to get into shapewear to camouflage my middle-age middle. It was simple, safe and on sale.

Maybe I was growing.

With my remaining time, I bought jewelry, shoes and decided not to spend the money on a purse, I knew I had an old one in my closet. The task was over, and I headed home. My 17-year-old fashionista daughter who is hip, cool, and effortless took one look at my decisions and simply said “no.”

I replied, “it’s classic.”

She quipped back, “it’s frumpy.”

The “F” word; boring, drab, the opposite of fabulous.

I was stuck at a style crossroads, and I did not even know it until I saw myself in the mirror looking like I was heading to a press conference rather than a swanky country club wedding with a cocktail in hand.

Maintaining your sense of self and style is tricky after age 50. Our bodies do not always cooperate, daily responsibilities stack up and our self-confidence gets diminished every time we pull on a pair of exercise tights to go to Wegmans.

We do not even realize we have gotten retail lazy until we are taking advice from strangers who clearly do not see staying current as anything beyond being ‘age appropriate’.

While I was shopping all those weeks, all I could think about was what I ‘couldn’t’

“Instead of dressing my age, I am choosing to celebrate the years it took me to finally get to a place where I am quietly confident with myself.”

or ‘shouldn’t’ wear rather than celebrating the chance to feel comfortable in my own skin.

In every mirror I saw the flaws and not the beauty. For the first time my age was bothering me more than my dress size, and it had to stop.

The next day my daughter and I found a small boutique that was not bridal, formal or a department store. It was upscale, unique, and elevated. Six items hung in my dressing room, all fit, all were stylish but one, made me feel like I was myself again.

No sucking in, special bras or Spanx needed for this colorful, flowing dress that indeed, fit me like a glove.

Instead of dressing my age, I am choosing to celebrate the years it took me to finally get to a place where I am quietly confident with myself.

Someday I will have to thank my daughter for her vision; she saw me more clearly than I did.

And yes, I am grateful for the woman in the department store, who reminded me that age is just a number, and you do not have to settle or be safe or worse, appropriate when it comes to your own personal style.