25 minute read
HIP HEMP
YOU ARE ENOUGH. IN THE PINK
BY NICOLE HEROUX WILLIAMS I PHOTOS BY NSP STUDIO BY ANGELA DUNCAN & DEBB CHAPMAN
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I had been receiving free samples of In The Pink products through a company Hip Hemp for several months, essentially as a test agent from late 2016 into 2017. The founders had decided by feedback which three oils made of natural ingredients, essential, and hemp oils they would produce for sale.
After 6 surgeries for reconstruction years after a mastectomy, finances were slim for purchasing and freight costs. I found the company was actually very close to home and hoping to save on the shipping charges, I gave them a call. Angela answered and shared that it was not a retail facility but, she invited me to stop by.
So, in October of 2017 I walked into a warehouse of two companies with very stocked shelves and Hip Hemp looked like it was on the roll. We chatted about the products and how I was invited to try them when I visited the owner, Mary Jane Haake, at her tattoo studio.
Reconstruction can take you just so far with surgeries and there are ways to create the illusion of “normal” covering scars and or artistic decoration. My plastic surgeon had suggested this and referred me to MJ to explore at the very least a 3D tattoo of a nipple.
It had been breast cancer and as we looked at examples of her work and talked, she asked about the additional ramifications, loss of estrogen, menopause, vaginal dryness, and my experiences. She then shared she was starting a company of all natural ingredients including essential and hemp oils for women dealing with these same issues. And she sent me home with a sample of the perles to use nightly for the vaginal dryness and oils to use as a lubricant or moisturizer for my skin. especially since I am also a swim instructor. If you’ve repeatedly spent long hours in a pool, you know what I’m talking about, and it might be true for you too as a competitive or general lap swimmer. Something to consider.
I walked into the warehouse to make the purchase and to meet Angela, the representative of the company and as “they say” she was (is) the chief cook and bottle washer. If you follow this magazine, you have previously met Angela.
I do not know where this came from except maybe thinking I needed another part time job, but before I left, I told her she was going to need me. Self -promoting is not usually in my wheelhouse. She acknowledged the company was possibly looking to hire in the coming new year.
However, a few weeks later, she called to ask if I was serious and would I come in for an interview. As of last week, I hit my 4-year anniversary and am so thankful for a job that has helped me weather many things including the pandemic. Other jobs disappeared.
The breast cancer showed its ugly face in 2000. I had noticed a slight shape change in my left breast and have always described the intuitive feeling as gray. At 44 I wasn’t overly worried but called to set up a mammogram nevertheless which was scheduled for August 17th. I was at the front counter of Sellwood Pool here in Portland Oregon when I received a call. I crouched down to hear better as the nurse relayed there was an abnormality, and I would need to have another round of tests. It was fortunate that I was already low to the floor because for a moment my knees were not holding me. possibly have caused the change in the shape of my breast. I was very fortunate this was caught so early even though everything that followed still had to happen. So, if you understand that gray intuitive feeling about anything involving your body, relationships, your family, or anything else…pay attention! This was very specific for me although I realize some of the other examples may take time for clarity.
Yes, I would need to see a surgeon and that was arranged for early September. A funny thing about how vivid parts of that day remain twenty-one years later.My male friend at the time went with me to the appointment and seemed a bit “off”. I could not determine if he was troubled for me and what my circumstances would be or if he was troubled for himself. I had heard stories of folks not being able to cope with their partner’s disease.
We had time after the appointment to go for a ride and I took him for a hike to a waterfall on the Washington side of the Columbia Gorge. It would put us among trees and near water which would temporarily ease the newfound turmoil. The hike started out great and both of us enjoyed the welcome of the trees. He was mostly on the road with his job and seldom had time for a visit in a forest. The day had so many twists to it.
Somewhere in the hike his conversation changed to mostly about his first wife and missing the family unit of being together. I empathetically let him talk but he seemed to be taking this to a deeper level. Eventually, however, I wanted to say “enough already”.
Did I mention that I had seen a surgeon that morning about cells that looked ominous, and a biopsy was needed, in some ways changing my life forever??? Sarcasm can be so cathartic!
After we reached the waterfall, we decided to head further up the mountain enjoying the warmth of a late summer day. Finally, we reached a clearing which provided a beautiful vista and a great resting stop.
He stood staring off... into the distance, maybe taking it all in or not seeing it at all. And that’s when he made his announcement… He had learned that although he had sent the money to his second wife for the divorce, they were still legally married. The payment had gone elsewhere but she was ill and needed him to help her, along with his insurance to help her with the medical expenses.
Hmmm…Suffice it to say what she really needed, while he was out on the road, was his money for drugs and motel rooms with men. This twisted novel doesn’t end there but it does have to be set aside. I had loved him powerfully and had not known or expressed these feelings in other relationships.
Another story needing a moment here is that on July 1st while giving a trail ride in Colorado, my sister was thrown from her horse and her right thigh was shattered. It happened to be the same leg she had a congenital birth defect and had already had multiple surgeries. How incredible though that she had been able to ride horses at all! I tell you this because it was just weeks before my diagnosis.
We grew up in a small village in New Hampshire and I sincerely hope you know what that small town community feels like especially in a time of need. My folks never had any extra money, but our local church rallied together to raise the funds for sending Mom to help Nan out during her first weeks of recovery. Mom wasn’t comfortable around larger animals, but she took on the chores of caring for not only a horse but also a huge gray bull. The dog and cats were easy, and they always accompanied her to the barn making sure she got it right. In time, Mom returned home.
And as I said, it was merely weeks later, I would need Mom also. I was headed for a biopsy to define these cells and again the church helped towards this journey. So many “Thank You’s!” rest forever in my heart.
Sharing the in-depth experiences is a challenge. First, you may have been through this. Second, you may have this waiting for you and third, some of it remains too raw even now. Surgery was scheduled for Thursday September 21ST and on the Sunday before, I bravely walked in the Race for the Cure wearing signs of celebration for friends and family. And one “for my left breast going into surgery on Thursday”! Don’t ask me why I still have that pink sign but, at that point I was staying focused on a good outcome and that just maybe it was nothing.
To prepare for the biopsy the radiologist had to pinpoint the exact location of the questionable cells for removal. It was a long arduous morning, and it took ten mammograms with needles to reach the spot. They were very close to the chest wall. At the final stage I went into shock (maybe anaphylactic) when dye for the surgeon was injected. The nurse and I were then alone in the room, and I started asking for cold wet clothes for my neck. She also stepped out to ask for more help and I must have been a terrible color because it was many minutes before they let Mom join me.
About Saturday with an ice pack in tow we headed west for the rest of the weekend. You know the solace and strength the Oregon coast can share if you have ever been this way. We explored and traveled to both familiar and new places but both of us grew very quiet on the return trip on Monday afternoon. We knew I was supposed to hear the results late that day and indeed when the doctor called, I had to sit down, while Mom busied herself in another room.
The cells were precancerous and Stage 0. The treatment would be the same with further surgery needed as well as determining where it may have spread. There are so many Blessings in finding these things out, regardless of where, in their very early stages. Please have your screenings regularly as it really does matter. I was encouraged to have a second opinion from a highly recommended physician and in short, he was a better choice for me. The lumpectomy and lymphadenectomy were scheduled for Nov 1st. I tried to convince Dr P. not to remove all my lymph glands under my arm as I had learned of a less invasive procedure. I was a swim instructor and knew this could change my ability to do so. The new method was on the cusp of becoming the preferred practice, but he was going to stay with his plan.
I am beyond thankful that again the church helped fund my Mom’s return and a younger sister came along for a few days. I didn’t get to stay the night at the hospital (although later learned my insurance would have covered it). So, my sister had to drive us home in my old car that did not have adequate heat to clear the windows, in the rain, the dark, and in a large unknown city. It was amazing to feel how many bumps, turns, stops, and fast braking it took to get there!
Over the weekend and again with ice packs, a friend drove us to the coast so Janice could see the Pacific Ocean and some very large rocks. We made it to a favorite beach of mine and got her through a tunnel under a mountain to a very secluded beach I have always called “The Planet of the Apes” (You’d have to see it to know what I mean) but
not without her turning a strange color of green herself. The time there was very short and although making the whole trip was not my best choice for the day, I’m not giving it back.
Mom was able to stay several more days and was a huge help as we navigated the pain and drains. Throughout all of it I tried to spare her from seeing my wounds and the times I cried in the shower. She was tougher than I gave her credit for, but I tried to protect her all the same. My mobility did not let me dress the wounds, but I would place the gauze before I needed her help with the taping.
I believe laughter is hugely important to the healing process and I encourage you to find ways to help you get there. Videos were a great choice, and a particular one came to mind, “Waking Ned Devine” (Go ahead and try to find it and then maybe play it over to catch the Irish speech. Or listen fast!) and we crowded maybe 5 of us into my small bedroom to watch it on my VHS. Others helped too.
Throughout these surgeries a friend was giving me Rieke treatments to assist the healing and she would create a peaceful setting for me on the floor, with candles, and quiet. My house rabbit had to be right in the mix and snuggled next to me during her time there. We laughed but even though she had her own rabbit I think I was the only person she treated with a funny bunny in the session. I’m certain it helped in every way including having the drains removed sooner than expected.
I had to have one more lumpectomy in Dec to get to clean margins. As usual, the anesthesiologists came in to begin the sedation beforehand but, it was a little over an hour later when they saw me dancing as I called my folks from the nurse’s station to report the good news. My minister took me home and I must have still been under the influence of my guys as I talked nonstop the whole way. I felt a little bad for her later. Grin.
Radiation started in late January after I had healed enough. I was teaching swimming and was ready two weeks into the treatment when the session ended. I was given thirtythree days of Monday through Friday but fortunately only needed one day off to let my skin rest. My time spent on this went so much better than other stories I have heard.
By late March I was able to go for a Volks walk, with a friend at the coast although the wind was a challenge to my lung, chest, and energy. Small victories of returning to my normal were important. And at the end of April, I traveled again with one of my marching bands to San Antonio, Texas for their Fiesta Flambeau celebration and parade. Just at the point I felt I could not play my flute or carry my music any further we turned a corner to find our busses waiting for us. What a great place to celebrate my forty fifth birthday with friends and to feel my strength returning.
Life went on. I resumed my multiple jobs, played in both marching bands, worked huge biking and walk events and kept up with my annual mammograms until…2006 when the radiologist found a spot of concern. I visited with my surgeon from 2000 although Dr P. could not do anything due to my insurance other than share his opinions. His radiologist read the results and they concurred I should wait for six months and then be rescreened. There was a possibility it would resolve itself.
In March of 2007 I went for the follow-up mammogram and indeed the concern was still visible. A biopsy was required, and I learned a mastectomy would be my only option if cancer had returned. I asked to wait until after April when I would once again march in the celebration in San Antonio in front of a mere 700,000 attendees. It is a lovely time to visit Texas and have a break from the dark and dampness of the northwest. I would not be healed enough for all the aspects of traveling and participation if I had the biopsy beforehand. I was told to go and have a great time. “Viva La Fiesta!”
Tests were done in early May and on the 15th, I went for another visit with my new surgeon. The diagnosis? Yes, to cancer and that there were actually two types. I thought I would be fine going to this appointment alone which as you can surmise was clearly a mistake. I struggled to stay focused and absorb the details for sharing with family and friends, also waiting for the results. The obvious main element of the conversation and although I was semi-prepared for was that a mastectomy was the only choice… other than do nothing. Repeating radiation was could not even be considered.
Yes, I felt like I was in a Charlie Brown classroom where the teacher was talking but it was difficult to fully comprehend what was being said. The surgery was scheduled for June 22nd, and I was assured I would be given an anti-anxiety medication, because of my previous experience, for the nuclear test that would happen before the surgery. This test was to check whether the cancer had spread into my lymph nodes this time.
That didn’t exactly happen, and I must have looked like a petulant and defiant brat on my bed that morning. The doctor had not placed the order and I was so fearful of the reactions my body had been through in 2000 that I would not let them proceed. I was going to lose my left breast that day regardless of the results of having the nuclear medication injected into it. I sat there with my legs crossed and my arms
s over my chest – protecting it, protecting me. All of this was holding up everyone’s schedule and they scrambled to call the doctor for the order. Why do the tears come to my eyes these many years later as I revisit what was happening and my efforts to advocate for myself?
In the meantime, there was a very kind man working the reception for that medical wing and he was able to bring Mom in from the waiting room and she stayed until the sedative arrived and the injections would begin. I had been worried about her due to her medical concerns and navigating the hospital for the cafeteria, etc. It was a comfort to both of us and just maybe I needed a knight in dress shirt and slacks that day.
A resident sat with me as I lay in a half of a tube with the diagnostic machine overhead. She wanted to know my story and understand my fears and even without her name, I will never forget her. I lay there with a portable CD player, from my sister, Nan and listened to her gift of offering me strength for the day. “Celtic Women”. Eventually I fell asleep as the screening repeatedly crossed my body. The mastectomy happened a few hours later and my new normal arrived. Many lymph nodes had been excised years before and the surgeon was not able to locate anymore through this sinal node testing. Again, a test or surgery I didn’t really need. Mom and I did some day jaunts after a few days, and I had to leave most of the pain medications behind as she was not comfortable driving. She was there to help me, and I wanted to share time in a different way than just medically.
I have shared many details and have left so many out maybe to protect you or maybe me, as I said earlier. The omitted elements are primarily the physical recoveries but as many of you know there are emotional ramifications not always clear from the start. There are a few I am willing to share, and I expect anyone having a mastectomy may have experienced similar issues. Each recovery will stand alone as unique as the individual and perceptions of what that healing includes. Some of the printed information does cover what to expect along the way. I had read about the loss of balance in the early stages of the progression to recovery. I am a small breasted woman and did not believe I would have that challenge. My swagger in the first few days rivaled a “drunken sailor”.
Another one happened when I was able to spend more time in the water. It was amazing how much it helped with the swelling and mobility. But, gliding is a special focus of mine for teaching some segments of strokes and I use it as a form of meditation before the work begins. I would set off in my streamlined position only to have my body roll to being face up (single breast up). I found this to be concerning and very humorous. As mentioned, I am very small but when the sick one was removed down to the chest wall it took some getting use to the sound and temperature of swallowing beverages. I don’t think this was covered in the printed materials.
I was fortunate this time to have started acupuncture including right up until the day before surgery as well as maybe two days after. I know it clearly helped the recovery process. Medication is a great asset for pain management but please consider these alternatives for anything you are recovering from or everyday life in general. At that time, I was not able to have reconstruction and be absent from work for any lengthy period. My main job was as a para educator in special needs for the school district and my summer job kept me busy on the deck of the pool overseeing the lesson program. In addition, I worked other jobs to supplement my income. Three weeks after surgery I was at the pool and still not completely healed when an instructor became ill. I had to take her lessons. I knew it would hurt, but I was very gentle entering and with my movements. In those moments, I clearly understood a change the water had provided and that my body was going to recover by using the water. Still, I was also thankful that it was only for one or two classes.
At some point I was fitted for a prosthesis and thus began the trials of what type of bra would work for it. Some days while hurrying to dress it went flying across the room or when I accidently put it in backwards one day and went to work. The dent was notable, but laughter helped. It was supposed to make me look normal but there were times I disliked having to be so aware of where it was or where it was sliding to. And it did not work in my bathing suits.
The next huge stage was meeting the oncologist and what the possible adjunct therapies would be. Tests were done and, on the day, I would learn whether I would be having chemotherapy or not I took friends with me to his crowded little exam room. They were a representation of my life … work, church, and marching bands. I had been alone when I received the cancer diagnosis in May, and I just needed every one of them. On the chart presented I was on the very low mid-range, and it was deemed that I was not a candidate for that therapy. I was placed on an anti-estrogen however and slammed me into menopause. Speaking of friends, I want to acknowledge there were so many who supported me through both cancer journeys from every aspect of my life. The cards, phone calls, gifts, hugs, emails, and prayers have meant so much. One clearly knew my power color and the red scarf she gave me helped my strength on some tough days in the very
y beginning. I will be indebted to those folks for the rest of my life. And I am beyond thankful to the friends who helped Mom fly to Oregon and for all of her incredible help. And as with my male friend from the first journey there were others who just could not handle being a part of any of it, which made me sad but, were not the people I should have spent energy on. They sit in the same category as the friends who doled out platitudes like it was a sugar treat. Most of us start out taking a few minutes to an hour at a time but I still want to scream when I hear “take it one day at a time”. I think that person really couldn’t handle what my truth was… even now.
Some people have a person whom they live with, and that person stays all the way through providing support both physically and emotionally including at times financial support while time is needed for healing. And there are those of us on our own and not held in the darkest part of the night when the fears of the huge monster are the hardest and tears need to be shared. We are not caressed and shown that we are still beautiful and desired. That’s the way it is for some of us but make no mistake we are strong, and we pull ourselves up because of our own strength and that outside support from so many beautiful people.
The years passed before I could even think about reconstruction for a variety of reasons. This is a completely different story with challenges that were in so many ways harder along the way. Maybe someday I will share but there are so many methods, and I am mindful that your journey has likely been different. I will wait.
It took place in 2016 and required the 6 surgeries I spoke of at the beginning. I have something that works without the prosthesis, its warm, and it keeps me balanced in the pool. Wonderful!
Not everyone is as fortunate as I have been. Friends and family have passed from this insidious disease although they were so strong throughout. None of us knows what we face down the road. Once diagnosed you always have it with you . One thing I would like to impart with you regardless of what you are facing is something that came to me clearly…
“Blessings are coming your way you NEVER knew you needed!”
Pay attention! It may not be gray.
PS. I have taken both grammatical and literary license on purpose. Missing her
{ SHIFT+CONTROL{ BEAUTY BY DR J } } WHAT DOES BEAUTY MEAN TO YOU?
BY DR. ANIKA SIMONE JOHNSON
Beauty is commonly described as a feature of objects that makes these objects pleasurable to perceive such objects include landscapes, sunsets, humans, and works of art. But what does BEAUTY mean to you? The six-letter word has many definitions. Depending on your specific lens, how you view yourself and the world. It is said beauty is the eye of the beholder. Beauty is more than appearance; it is more than the outer layer. We have all heard many times that beauty is skin deep but is it also deeper than that. Beauty is not always about our outside looks, but it also includes our personality.
Beauty is not only what the media portrays as a stunning symmetrical face or thin physique. How many times have you encountered a beautiful person to the naked eye and experienced their bad attitude? Beauty can be described in various ways.
Beauty could mean a summer breeze on a hot day, a food dish you have prepared for the first time, or a newborn baby you have created out of love with your significant other. How can we embrace our beauty and beauty standards in the world today? Let’s dive into it!
Beauty to me is self-love and inner/ energy reflecting from the inside out of a healed spirit. Bodacious, Effulgent, Ambitious, Unique, Tenacious, and Youthful is how I describe what Beauty means to me!
Bodacious: be bold, to go for all the things you desire without hesitation, fear, or doubt. You have what it takes to conquer your dreams and goals.
Effulgent: shining all the brightness from the smiles, positive energy, and inspiration to those who cross my path. I am the champion of goodness, and you are too.
Ambitious: always have intrinsic motivation to be successful and the desire to achieve your goals.
Unique: remaining confident in your authentic self, focused on being your best self, and knowing you are not in competition with anyone else. Let’s face it, there is no one like you and that is a beautiful thing.
Tenacious: showing determination and persistence by any means necessary. Simply because you deserve it, you can achieve and ultimately maintain it.
Youthful: exuding enthusiasm to take better care of your mind, body, and spirit daily.
So, what does BEAUTY mean to you? Drop it in comments on IG @allthingsdr.j.beauty or FB: All Things Dr. J. Beauty.
Be sure to visit us for more Beauty highlights via www.drjbeauty.com
