YOU ARE ENOUGH. THE NEED TO BELONG: TYPES OF BELONGING

BY NICOLE HEROUX WILLIAMS I PHOTOS BY NSP STUDIO

Have you ever felt the need to be a part of something? To Belong? Beyond a desire or want, but a deep seeded need, like your life depended on it?

Last month we took a bit of a detour to talk about Belonging. A topic that has been consuming my focus for quite a while. This time, I want to delve into the different ways we desire and often times, need to belong. These will vary greatly person to person and even between instances for each of you.

We humans are social creatures, and a fundamental part of our psychological makeup is the need to belong. It’s a natural human desire to feel connected to something or someone. And that’s what belonging is - feeling like you’re a part of a group or a community. There is significant evidence that a lack of belonging can lead to a range of mental health issues, including anxiety, depression, substance abuse and suicidal ideation. So, it’s important to understand the need to belong to self, in relationships, and in the community.

Belonging to Self

In order to truly belong, we must first have a strong sense of self. This means having a solid feeling of personal identity and self-awareness. It’s about knowing who you are, your values, and your unique qualities. It is what allows us to navigate through life’s challenges and stressors with resilience.

So, how do you belong to yourself? How do you develop a strong personal

BY AMY BLISS

identity and self-awareness, especially if you don’t feel particularly connect to self. There are 3 places to start: self-reflection, personal growth and self-care.

Self-reflection is an important tool for developing self-awareness. It involves examining your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and understanding how they affect your relationships and your personal growth. Self-reflection can be achieved through meditation, journaling, seeking guidance from a therapist or coach, even plant medicine journeys. It helps you to identify your values, beliefs, and goals and to stay true to them. When you have a better understanding of your own needs and desires, you are better equipped to form healthy relationships with others.

Next is personal growth: working on improving your skills, abilities, and knowledge. By pursuing personal growth, you can develop a better understanding of your strengths, weaknesses, goals and desires. The things that drive you. Learning new skills and expanding your knowledge builds self-confidence and awareness. Personal growth can be achieved many ways, including attending workshops, reading books, taking classes, traveling and exploring other cultures and many more.

The last one I want to talk about today is self-care, another critical component of belonging to self. It involves taking care of your physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing. Many people continually put the needs of others before their own. This is especially true of woman, as we have been conditioned to take care of everyone else first and to believe that putting yourself first in any way is selfish. However, when you prioritize self-care, you demonstrate self-love and respect for your own needs. Some common self-care practices include getting enough sleep, eating well and exercising, what I call “me-time” (participating in hobbies, massage, long bath, mani/pedi, etc.) and setting boundaries in your relationships. In addition to maintaining your overall health and wellbeing, self-care makes you feel more positive and productive. And, when we take care of ourselves first, we are in a much better position to take care of others.

It’s all connected…developing a strong sense of self is the foundation of building healthy relationships and creating a positive impact in the community, the other 2 areas of belonging I discuss here.

Belonging in Relationships

Now let’s talk about belonging in relationships. This is the sense of being accepted and valued by the others in your life…family, friends, romantic partners, co-workers. It’s about building connections with people who support us and who we can support in return. Healthy relationships are an essential part of our lives and these connections are strongest when there is when there is a foundation of effective communication, empathy and boundaries.

Effective communication is listening, understanding, and respecting the other person’s point of view, even, or especially, when you don’t agree. It also involves expressing your own thoughts and feelings in a clear and respectful manner, without blame or accusation. When you communicate effectively, you can build deeper connections with others, and you can resolve conflicts in a constructive way.

An essential component of belonging in relationships is empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others…put yourself in their shoes, see things through their eyes. When you practice empathy, you are more able to connect with others on a deep emotional level, and you can offer support and care when they need it. Empathy is a critical component of healthy relationships, and essential to building trust and intimacy.

Finally, boundaries. Setting boundaries means defining what behaviors and actions are acceptable to you and what are not. It means communicating your needs and expectations in a clear and assertive manner. And it means holding firm to them once they are set. This is not to say that boundaries cannot change. But this change should be accompanied by communication and explanation on why you are shifting them. The most common complaint I hear from clients is how unsettled and sometimes unsafe they feel when people they are closest to do not hold solid boundaries. It can feel like you are walking on quicksand or on eggshells. By setting and holding boundaries, you can protect your own wellbeing and avoid unhealthy relationships.

And when we are solid in ourselves and feel confident and supported in our personal relationships, we can truly open ourselves to belonging in community.

Belonging in Community

Belonging in community is the sense of being part of something larger than yourself. It’s about connecting with people who share your values and interests, and working together towards a common goal or purpose. This can be incredibly empowering, and can give us a sense of purpose and meaning in our lives.

There are many ways to belong in a community and you probably participate in far more communities than you realize – the company you work for, a spiritual community, your neighborhood, city, and country, volunteer organizations, your or your children’s school, the list goes on. By participating and belonging to these groups, you connect with people who share your interests and work together to make a positive impact on the world. Being part of a community can give you a sense of belonging, purpose, and fulfillment that is difficult to achieve on your own.

Belonging in a community also provides a sense of accountability. When you are part of a group, you are more likely to be held accountable for your actions, be encouraged to do your best and push beyond your own limitations. Being part of a community can also provide opportunities for personal growth and development. You can learn from others, gain new skills and knowledge, and explore new perspectives. It can also provide a sense of validation and recognition, which can boost your self-esteem and confidence.

Belonging is not just about fitting in with others. It’s about finding your own unique place in the world and making meaningful connections with others. By prioritizing your own personal growth, building healthy relationships, and being part of a community, you can achieve a sense of belonging that will enhance your overall wellbeing and help you to live a fulfilling and purposeful life.

Note from Amy: Yes, I’m switching gears. While I am still very passionate about men’s work, as I delve deeper into Belonging, it all falls under this umbrella. So with that comes a column name change. And, if you’ve been following me, thanks for hanging in there with me on this one…I know it’s a bit dryer than my other articles. I needed to lay some groundwork so next time we can dive into the juicier bits of how we belong and the lengths we will go to in order to belong.

Amy Bliss, JD, MBA, is the founder of Amy Bliss Consulting, where she coaches and consults people, leaders and businesses on the power of belonging in the work place and in life. She also offers Leadership Coaching and Processing for Leaders. For more information, please visit amyblissconsulting. com and to connect, please email her at amy@amyblissconsutling.com or schedule a Discovery Call at https://amybliss.as.me/ You can read more about her men’s work at https://thewarriorcore.com.