LADY “O”

{ SHIFT+CONTROL{ LADY “O” } } YOU ARE ENOUGH. A SCATTERED JIGSAW PUZZLE

BY NICOLE HEROUX WILLIAMS I PHOTOS BY NSP STUDIO BY OMENESA ORUMA AKOMOLAFE

is 2:16am. I just finished tidying my room. You should have seen it before now. My panties were on the floor. My work uniform was rumbled on the floor. My books, purse, papers, were all scattered on the floor. It seemed like I lived on the floor. My dresser was cluttered with an unopened bags of white bread, slices that I hadn’t touched. There were lunch boxes on there too(these ones were clean, thank God). My sachets of tea and chocolate cream, were all on this same dresser. My tooth paste, my devotional book, my tracts, my wig, cups, vitamins, ranch dressing and of course Mom’s picture graced the mirror. She was the only thing that made sense in this nonsense.

My shoes were neatly arranged, and that’s because this weather has had me wearing only 2 shoes(Work shoes and Tennis shoes). Meanwhile, the bed was covered with pencils, crayons, books, journals, more panties, braziers, pictures, old mail, new mail, clothes, my pink journal, an old remote control to a tv I own in Nigeria. Chargers and Headphones, mom’s funeral notes, a stroller, my cds, and many other things that I had been looking for, they were all on this bed. Okay! Maybe that’s not a problem. Afterall, I justifiably work an ants schedule. When I come home, I crash. So it’s not a problem. Do you know what the problem is, or was?

I got home yesterday evening from work, and I laid myself on this disheveled unkempt mess. At first I laid on top of all that jargon, talked

on the phone for a while, laughed and even allowed a friend into the room. I was not embarassed at this embarrassment. It was okay to me. After she stepped out. I continued my conversation on the phone, until I fell asleep. In the middle of my nightmare(because I couldn’t be comfortable being cushioned by crap), I used my tired legs to shift all the junk to the side, and continued to sleep, this time for about 15 minutes. Hunger pangs woke me up.

Did I tell you I had a gallon of apple cider on the dresser? Well, I took the apple cider into the kitchen and sleepily got some ice to drink with it, and ate 2 Jamaican crackers. As I laid back in the bed and talked on the phone for a few minutes, my friend insisted that I sleep. I kept telling him that I was no longer sleepy. I honestly didn’t understand why the sleep had suddenly cleared from my eyes, but he got off the phone to sleep, be ause that’s what normal people do at such hours of the night. This was the problem. I was not fazed by this tornado in my room. It seemed normal to me. But not for long.

As soon as I got off the phone, I put on my piano tones on pandora, to help ease the melatonin. I turned off the light, I still couldn’t sleep. Then from no where, I heard myself utter these words, “GET UP AND CLEAN THIS ROOM NOW.” I spoke to myself as if I was my mother. I then got up and said it again, but this time, I sounded like a Captain on a ship. “CLEAN UP THIS ROOM RIGHT NOW.”

““Love Your Negatives. Love your disease”. This did it for me.”

I went to sweeping, cleaning, hanging, putting away, ripping, tearing, stocking, assembling, pasting, bed making, pillow puffing, and thrash throwing. As I was doing this, I realized that the demon in my room was a reflection of my mind. I had decorated my room with my perceptions. It was the status of my present life, the tag and label of me. A scattered jigsaw puzzle. Not only is it a puzzle that I have to figure out, it is also scattered. Good Lord!

Nonetheless, my unease and uncomfortability was a symbolism that I am in a place of transformation. I am no longer comfortable with disorder. It no longer comes natural to me. I cannot ignore it. I cannot pretend like it’s not there. I cannot sleep on it. I cannot drink with it. I cannot lay by it. I cannot lie about it. I can’t even push it aside. I have to get rid of it. Rid of what? Rid of the clutter in my life, the clutter in my mind. It is an operation that has been in progress, for months now, and this is the end result. Change! Alignment! Reformation!

Sometimes because we don’t see the steps we are taking to be large leaps, we think we are not making any progress at all, but we really are, as we are becoming what we tread through. We definitely are. I have been working on myself for quite a while now, and I have tried to be devoted and true. Once in a while, the old me tends to pop up and will reflect in my words or mannerisms, or even in my lack of self care. However it is only a sign that I am growing. A crescendo is taking place. This is not the end of the song. It is only an interlude.

As I was cleaning, I was listening to Louise Hays on YouTube. She mentioned, “Love Your Negatives. Love your disease”. This did it for me. I reconciled that if I kept seeing my negatives as smelly bad things, I would remain in a condemnative state, which will repel and deter me from fixing them in the first place. It would be very hard for me to change them, and it will give me a defeatist outlook on my life. On the other hand, if I accept my negatives, and admit that I created those negatives as defense mechanisms to cope at some point in my life, then I can applaud myself for doing the best I could at that place in time, but stem the courage to also admit that they may not longer serve me now, because I am no longer that person.

Having an untidy room was one of them. It was an extension of my inner tiredness. My weakness to keep pushing. My dying zeal. My settling and unsettling. But the process did not allow me to stay stagnant. This is what it showed me this morning. The river is flowing, and everything in it is bound to flow with it. That’s where I am now. There is a flooding taking place in my life, and the disorganization, the reshuffling, is for a stability that is to come. A permanence. My uncomfortability this early morning has now made me very comfortable. It’s 2:45am. Goodnight.

IN A NUTSHELL

1. Don’t ignore your signs of tiredness. They speak, and they speak loud.

2. Develop a routine to clean and tidy your room every day, including the room your heart lives in. Your body.

3. Always make your bed.

4. Get rid of the clutter in your life. (Toxic relationships, bad habits, negative patterns).

5. Don’t look down on your negatives. They saved your life at some point.

6. Work on who you would want to become, and simply become.

7. Don’t get comfortable with mess. It smells. Take out the thrash.

8. Tell yourself the truth and believe it.

9. Always put things where they belong. Put them in their rightful place.

10. There is a reason for everything you do. There is a reason for what is, for what was, and for what will be. Pay attention.

#Omenesa Oruma-Akomolafe