10 minute read
MANIFESTING YOUR TRUE PURPOSE
{ SHIFT+CONTROL }{ MANIFESTING YOUR TRUE PURPOSE } LIVING CREATIVELY WITH ADHD
An Artist’s Journey Towards a Self-Loving Perspective
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For over five decades I have lived with ADHD, yet wasn’t fully aware what “my problem” was. I felt inadequate, stupid and fearful of what would happen once I was an adult on my own? If I didn’t have someone there that could take care of the things I couldn’t remember, would I ever be able to succeed? It tortured me for decades, even though I met my amazing husband in high school and luckily, he was the yin to my yang. Not everyone is as fortunate. Especially women in my age group. Thankfully, there are solutions today that can help us live fully and successfully while shoring up our own sense of self-love.
In school, I couldn’t concentrate no matter how hard I tried. I was daydreaming, missing half of what others, especially teachers, were saying. I believed I was intelligent but yet couldn’t do as well in school as my fellow classmates and friends. I’d understand the subject matter and then would bomb the test.Teachers continually inquired, when they knew I was capable, why was it that I couldn’t score well? I wished I understood it or had an answer. I hated myself for not being able to concentrate or stay awake while I studied. Or I would study for days (or months for year-end exams) and hours the night before a test and get a “C.” I would sit in class questioning my worth as others got their test back with huge “A’s” written on them while I grappled with my continued lagging or inability to comprehend the subject matter. Could I be anything or anyone that others would respect if I couldn’t compete with my peers?
BY LISA WAGNER
Ask me to do art, poetry or writing and you couldn’t get me to stop. I got A’s on every essay project and I made beautiful pieces in my art classes and in my own time. I was enchanted with the process; this is also known as a “state of flow” or “serendipity.” It felt like I was finally being allowed to do what I loved so much that it made me leap with joy or ache when I’d have to do science class work. (Especially Chemistry!)
When I think back to that time in my life in the 70’s and 80’s, I see a girl who was misunderstood and needed an adult to recognize the “why” of my poor performance and lack of concentration outside of the creativity arena. It makes me tear up every time. (Even now as I type this.) She wanted someone to see her, hold her and find a solution to her shortcomings/gift. Yes, they can coexist!
People with ADHD tend to be highly successful and incredibly hardworking. They have to be in order to get ahead. They find those workarounds and customized solutions that fit how their brain works. The Amen Clinics, founded by Dr. Daniel Amen, studies brain health through brain imaging and says on his website that the “National Institute of Mental Health has found that 5.4% of adult men and 3.2% of adult women have ADD/ADHD, and other research has shown that only about 20% of them have ever been diagnosed or received treatment. This condition is often overlooked in females because their primary issue is inattention, and they are less likely to exhibit the disruptive hyperactivity that is so often seen in males with ADHD.”* ADHD patients lack blood flow to their brain’s frontal cortex, where focus and planning occur. The harder they attempt to concentrate, the more the blood flow is restricted to that area. When I read that, it was a huge lightbulb moment for me. The more I study, focus, try to remember tasks, etc., the worse I do. It’s as if I cut off all ability to create or do the task at hand. You can forget memorizing anything either when I push too hard. It floats away like a feather in a 40mph wind.
When I think back to those formative years in school, I never recall hearing about girls having ADHD or ADD. Not a single one! Yet, many of us were underperforming, causing frustration, depression and even worse concentration due to their emotional state. My personal coping mechanism was to doodle in my notebook rather than acknowledge that I was completely lost.
More report cards than I care to recall said things like, “Lisa would do better if only she’d apply herself.” or “Lisa is continually daydreaming in class and lacks focus.” Of course, my parents were frustrated with me and wished I could “just apply myself.” They knew I was capable and smart but were lost when it came to my mediocre performance and low effort grades. I wished I understood it too but there wasn’t any help available to guide them, doctors, teachers or myself towards a solution.
Two years ago, at the ripe age of 53, I thankfully solved the internal mystery of my life. I was listening to a podcast by Chalene Johnson. She spoke about her struggles and then her management of her ADHD symptoms after her diagnosis later in life. She spoke about how women our age were what was considered the “lost generation.” No one really knew that girls
were almost as likely to have the same diagnosis. We weren’t actually just daydreaming. We were just as lost in thought as the boys were, only most girls didn’t have behavioral issues. It was a calling card we lacked that led to our being left behind. As she spoke about how her life had looked prior to her diagnosis, it felt as though she was talking about me. I heard myself in life path and in all of the behaviors and frustrations; piles of stuff that had actual meaning, lateness due to perception of time, daydreaming, ideas swirling around in our heads like they drank a gallon of coffee, lack of focus, hearing conversations around her but not the one she was having with her husband, family members or friends, all over the map conversations because “Squirrel!!”, forgetfulness and exhaustion. There’s an actual name for this type of brain:
Inattentive ADHD, which is one of seven different types.
Chalene then spoke about how she went about not only getting diagnosed but also with her journey towards staying focused and developing hacks. They helped her harness the goodness that comes out of having a brain that is continually creating and working, even when the owner of it would love some peace and quiet. She developed a daily journal (Push Journal), that helped her plan her day with a three month-long focus called a “Push Goal,” that you work towards each day. You get to check the tasks off as you go along, which creates a huge sense of accomplishment for me. Then, if I do any of the extra tasks, I feel like I’m a rockstar! It made such a huge difference in my anxiety level and my self-confidence. I could physically see how hard I was working and that I had actually stayed on-task. I was accomplishing my big goals by piling up all the little ones.
Having an amazing doctor I called promptly after listening to that podcast. She diagnosed me and put me on a low dose stimulant that made a world of difference. I have also been blessed with an amazing therapist that has given such sage and loving advice throughout the years. She taught and encouraged me to speak to myself more lovingly, with a gentleness you’d use with your inner child. While meditating, she asked me to imagine that innocent little thing just wants to be loved, seen and heard. They want to feel like you are their soft place to fall. Beating her up isn’t going to allow her to be willing to try, to make mistakes and grow as a person. It was such a powerful act.
Shoring up my inner child and being her best and kindest cheerleader bolstered her ability to be vulnerable without shame or angst. She can rest and know that no matter the outcome, she is loved and seen as enough. Her inner voice can be one that finds humor in her missteps and then an ability and willingness to find solutions or have the bravery to walk away and move onto something that resonates more deeply within her soul. What a beautiful gift that has been in my life and has allowed me to leap and not waste time, breath and sleep about what is to come.
I can now walk more confidently into the unknown because I believe I am capable of greatness.
It also reminds me I am worthy of things like rest, success, joy, laughter and contentment that I hadn’t felt before. There is a place in my heart now where all is divinely right and good. I can focus on what IS working. The positive things in my life can shine brightly without feeling a need to dull themselves down because they now know they can be a beacon of light for others who aren’t quite there yet. That’s a gift! To know you’re not like everyone else because you were born with this superpower that just needed someone to hold the reins and guide it to smoother but also challenging pastures because you made it this far without falling off and dying.
If any of my story resonates with you, I want you to know this: ADHD has been at times, hard, depressing, challenging but most of all, strengthening. It showed me that we are all perfectly capable of living a life that may not look like someone with a “normal” brain. Instead, it has these gems along the way that you can now look back on and have empathy and kindness towards. It has also helped me become the person and artist I am today. My ideas are allowed to flow through me and onto the paper. They may lie there for a few days, months or even years before they come to fruition but that’s perfectly fine.
Everything in life is showing up for us and becomes ready at a divine right time. Learning to trust the process of our life’s work and all its ebbs and flows while incorporating things like journaling, meditation, garnering knowledge about our inner workings and noticing when we are out of alignment with love allows us to live in our light. Spreading it to others in my classes, through these articles and in my daily life is an honor and a privilege. Living in that gratitude for who I am and what I am here to in service to others is profound and causes me to wonder how
incorporating things like journaling, meditation, garnering knowledge about our inner workings and noticing when we are out of alignment with love allows us to live in our light. Spreading it to others in my classes, through these articles and in my daily life is an honor and a privilege. Living in that gratitude for who I am and what I am here to in service to others is profound and causes me to wonder how I could possibly be so incredibly blessed?
But I’ll happily take it and run like the wind with it and so should you! It is here awaiting your willingness to allow and trust. You were built for greatness and nothing but your own fear can hold you back.
*https://www.amenclinics.com/conditions/ adhd-add/
