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LIVING CREATIVELY WITH ADHD BY LISA WAGNER
An Artist’s Journey Towards a Self-Loving Perspective For over five decades I have lived with ADHD, yet wasn’t fully aware what “my problem” was. I felt inadequate, stupid and fearful of what would happen once I was an adult on my own? If I didn’t have someone there that could take care of the things I couldn’t remember, would I ever be able to succeed? It tortured me for decades, even though I met my amazing husband in high school and luckily, he was the yin to my yang. Not everyone is as fortunate. Especially women in my age group. Thankfully, there are solutions today that can help us live fully and successfully while shoring up our own sense of self-love. In school, I couldn’t concentrate no matter how hard I tried. I was daydreaming, missing half of what others, especially teachers, were saying. I believed I was intelligent but yet couldn’t do as well in school as my fellow classmates and friends. I’d understand the subject matter and then would bomb the test.Teachers continually inquired, when they knew I was capable, why was it that I couldn’t score well? I wished I understood it or had an answer. I hated myself for not being able to concentrate or stay awake while I studied. Or I would study for days (or months for year-end exams) and hours the night before a test and get a “C.” I would sit in class questioning my worth as others got their test back with huge “A’s” written on them while I grappled with my continued lagging or inability to comprehend the subject matter. Could I be anything or anyone that others would respect if I couldn’t compete with my peers? All dark stories also contain a bright side. 346
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Ask me to do art, poetry or writing and you couldn’t get me to stop. I got A’s on every essay project and I made beautiful pieces in my art classes and in my own time. I was enchanted with the process; this is also known as a “state of flow” or “serendipity.” It felt like I was finally being allowed to do what I loved so much that it made me leap with joy or ache when I’d have to do science class work. (Especially Chemistry!) When I think back to that time in my life in the 70’s and 80’s, I see a girl who was misunderstood and needed an adult to recognize the “why” of my poor performance and lack of concentration outside of the creativity arena. It makes me tear up every time. (Even now as I type this.) She wanted someone to see her, hold her and find a solution to her shortcomings/gift. Yes, they can coexist! People with ADHD tend to be highly successful and incredibly hardworking. They have to be in order to get ahead. They find those workarounds and customized solutions that fit how their brain works. The Amen Clinics, founded by Dr. Daniel Amen, studies brain health through brain imaging and says on his website that the “National Institute of Mental Health has found that 5.4% of adult men and 3.2% of adult women have ADD/ADHD, and other research has shown that only about 20% of them have ever been diagnosed or received treatment. This condition is often overlooked in females because their primary issue is inattention, and they are less likely to exhibit the disruptive hyperactivity that is so often seen in males with ADHD.”* ADHD patients lack blood flow to their brain’s frontal cortex, where focus and planning occur.
The harder they attempt to concentrate, the more the blood flow is restricted to that area. When I read that, it was a huge lightbulb moment for me. The more I study, focus, try to remember tasks, etc., the worse I do. It’s as if I cut off all ability to create or do the task at hand. You can forget memorizing anything either when I push too hard. It floats away like a feather in a 40mph wind. When I think back to those formative years in school, I never recall hearing about girls having ADHD or ADD. Not a single one! Yet, many of us were underperforming, causing frustration, depression and even worse concentration due to their emotional state. My personal coping mechanism was to doodle in my notebook rather than acknowledge that I was completely lost. More report cards than I care to recall said things like, “Lisa would do better if only she’d apply herself.” or “Lisa is continually daydreaming in class and lacks focus.” Of course, my parents were frustrated with me and wished I could “just apply myself.” They knew I was capable and smart but were lost when it came to my mediocre performance and low effort grades. I wished I understood it too but there wasn’t any help available to guide them, doctors, teachers or myself towards a solution. Two years ago, at the ripe age of 53, I thankfully solved the internal mystery of my life. I was listening to a podcast by Chalene Johnson. She spoke about her struggles and then her management of her ADHD symptoms after her diagnosis later in life. She spoke about how women our age were what was considered the “lost generation.” No one really knew that girls
