18 minute read
BLACK WOMEN VOICES
THE WOMAN CODE (S)
THE UNWRITTEN AND UNSPOKEN RULES OF FEMALE FRIENDSHIPS
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A friend’s intentions are not always honest. Recently, I conducted useful research on the Do’s and Don’ts of a healthy friendship. This is not about how we act when relationships are going as expected or not, but how we respond when there is a concerning situation that may arise during our long-time friendship. The way we respond, however, when friends show signs of insecurity, clues of exploiting the friendship, blaming the victim, hostile avoidant personality and problematic personality traits, and covert and bad mouthing you behind your back while smiling in your face. Astonishing, were the research results.
Research Questions:
The overarching questions guiding the research, revealed some interesting results.
● DO’s and DON’T’s of a good friendship.
● Whether the rules are implicit or explicit?
● What does it mean to have shared values in a friendship? Is it necessary after 20-30 years of a friendship to develop a shared value system - if a shared value system was never developed?
● Is it safe to say, verbal codes substitute or contradict verbal communication?
BY DR TUNYA GRIFFIN
Nonverbal codes include but are not limited to: facial expression, eye contact, time management, silence, space touch, senses, tone and intonation?Types of Non-Verbal behaviors
● The importance of knowing your friends dislikes and likes
● Where are the boundaries (verbal and non-verbal)
● Love Language between girlfriends with husbands, people they date, and exes?
● Proper decorum: how do you conduct yourself in the presence or not in the presence of your girlfriends: boyfriend, exes, or husband? Heather Day,
After reading In a piece for Thought Catalog, Heather Day, a writer and lecturer at Southwestern Michigan College, recalls a similar experience. During high school, she and her friends publicly shunned another friend who had slept with her exboyfriend. The girl begged for forgiveness, but all attempts at reconciliation were ignored. The humiliation and heartbreak was so painful, she ended up moving away to live with her father. Years later, as a remorseful adult, Heather realizes that her friend was wrong,, but that a very human desire to feel wanted- no matter how old a woman may be, but etiquette 101 with friends, hands off of my man, my money, my exes, my husband and or the like. Reverend Raquel Alston shared, You and I have an established friendship. In our friendship, I get to learn your core values, your standards, because it comes out when we communicate or through your body language. I should not have to sit down with you every six months or year to ask how you feel about friendship or marriage. Moreover or how do you feel about people treating you wrong? Because it is not only how you treat me, but how you treat other people.
Through observation, I get to learn more about who you are, which is beyond speech. And I think this is for everybody. Let’s consider this is even in marriages - you are no survelincing your marriage in that manner (6 month check-ins with a list, 1 year, 3 and 5 years). Maybe in the honeymoon stage, but at some point you are not doing that at all. It comes out that in a friendship there’s a covenant agreement that we are going to be friends, through the good and bad times. Moreover, for me, friendship is important! If we can’t trust one another, then why would we need to be friends. Friendship is all about making each other better people. It’s a journey that we take and we have to commit to that journey no matter what comes our way.And the most important thing is that we must keep communication with one another going even when things get rough.
Blind Guides - Leadership held to a higher standard:
At its core, The Woman Code is a code of “ethics” that demands ultimate loyalty to one’s sister, blood or not, religions or not, grafted in or not, above all else, including parents, significant others, law enforcement, maybe even God — there is nobody above the “Woman’s Code.”. The term typically conjures up images of sorority sisters, pledging allegiance to one another.
Reverend Raquel noted, “Do not follow blind guides - Leadership - friend or not should be held to a higher standard. Appealing to the “different standard rule or assumption argument is a way of wiggling your way out of a problem you created as a friend. Moreover there are plenty of things bad friends can do that will not commit nor adhere to the “Woman’s Code” verbally or not, but keep in mind some of these things socalled friends do is closely connect to deception, and manipulation. How do you measure it? I heard you stated, Dr. Tunya that you asked your pastor friend specific questions and she deflected. I would think it’s safe to say, deflection is a form of manipulation and deception. In hopes to take advantage of a friend, and with a specific aim to exploit the friendship.
Let’s talk research results!
Research Results:
I turned to 10 clergy women and 10 clergy men and 5 non-clergy men and women. The results were astounding, over 99 percent agreed that verbal or not friends should abide by certain established norms in most relationships especially if the goal is to sustain and preserve the friendship. 0.05 percent of the other respondents, mostly clergymen did not want to answer the question. I must admit, I wasn’t shocked at all that certain male members of clergy e did not answer, because the church, in particular, the black church struggles with the don’t do as I do, but do as I say. This duality of practice is never consistent with what Scripture teach about holding bad leaders accountable even if they are your friends.
The greater percentage agreed that she was way out of line. However 0.05% of her friends appealed to the (1) shared values argument and the (2) assumptions argument.
In response, the question Black Women’s Voices #BeBrave project respondents asked, “Is there a decline of Pastoral and Personal Integrity? And is there any honor among friends?” Holley Moore notes, “There are several factors which can contribute to a decline, or erosion of integrity.
Surely those engaged in “people business,” recognize that respect for integrity must be earned and is therefore given to us by others. When we make mistakes and then try to cover them with distortions of the truth, or by blatant lying, integrity suffers a mighty blow as the truth is eventually revealed. People under the spiritual leadership of a pastor need and should be able to trust the pastor. Rarely, if ever, should members be given cause to wonder about a pastor’s character.
Webster’s Dictionary defines personal integrity as “the quality or state of being of sound moral principle; uprightness, honesty and sincerity.” In ethics workshops and seminars for many years, I have what I refer to as an operational definition of integrity: “consistently adhering to a discernible set of moral values in making daily choices.” What this means, literally, is that you and I are what others see; say what we may, we are still judged by our daily actions.
When we deviate from generally accepted notions of what constitutes “right” and “good” and, as Christians, when we act apart from Scripture, our integrity erodes. Sadly, in some instances, a pastor may not recognize when his credibility is in a downward spiral until it’s too late to overcome the negative view congregants may hold for him. This would seem especially true when a pastor has become so accustomed to distorting or otherwise manipulating truth that the line dividing truth from untruth has become obscured.”
The Cardinal Rule
As rule breakers know, the punishments for not abiding verbal or non verbal rules of decorum among friends, the consequent are swift and severe.
My friend Anita learned this harsh lesson while playing a game with a group of her girlfriends. On her dare or dare not cards pointed “dare” to a man who happened to be the object of one of her girlfriends’ affection. Their innocent “dare kiss” ultimately signaled the kiss of death for her friendship with that girl, who accused Anita of betraying her. Not satisfied by her sloppy apology, and grace beads that offer no grace at all, but
rather gall for a vinegar mix. Bad friends, and their damage, lies in their subtlety to deceive others - like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, or a deep kiss from Judas with over 74 million people believing the sitting president is not the real president. Moreover the way they can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not me, it’s them.’ They and others that have tasted their vinger with gall can have you questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’.
If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.
Being able to spot a friend-enemy and their harmful behaviour is the first step to minimize their impact.
The Recovery Process: Orientation, Disorientation, New Orientation Shauna and Walter Brueggerman thoughts are helpful here when thinking about when a long-term friendship ends up in the dumps. “ When you are in the throes of a crisis (friendship crisis), it can be life changing and mind altering, and all together transforming. When something shatters as you know it, it can challenge everything you think you know about yourself and your friend.”
I have pulled together a helpful summary from a few different sources that capture Brueggeman’s thoughts on the matter. I have found this framework quite helpful and very true to life. Brueggemann has developed a way of categorizing the Psalms and bringing them into our own personal lives, in this case, the framework can be helpful when deciding to keep your long term friend or throw the relationship in the trash. Moreover if your are a Christian woman the process of deciding whether the friendship is worth keeping or not adds another dynamic to the challenge of making a sound and wise decision. Here’s why? Most Christians enter the thinking process using a forgiveness model. What’s problematic using the forgiveness model is, (1) concluding what the decisions should be rather than allowing the facts about the relationship speak for itself (2) the foreignness model at times may not allow the friend that a was harmed space to critically think about the pain and harm caused by a bad friend, because the default mode as a Christian is set to “forgiveness” is the goal. However my recommendation is that Christians seek wise counsel before making a decision. If wise counsel is not pursued then it can lead to further exploitation and abuse at the hands of the bad friend.
Walter Brugerrman, in his book entitled Praying the Psalms can be helpful when making final decisions.
Walter Bruggerman, suggests that the psalms reflect two very basic movements in everyone’s life.
The first is the move into the “pit”. It happens when our world collapses around us and we feel that there is no way out of the deep hole into which we have sunk. The second is the move out of the pit into awelcome place. We suddenly understand what has happened and who has brought us up out of the pit. Brueggemann further suggests that human beings regularly find themselves in one of three places: a place of orientation, in which everything makes sense in our lives; a place of disorientation, in which we feel we have sunk into the pit; and a place of new orientation, in which we realize that God has lifted us out of the pit and we are in a new place full of gratitude and awareness about our lives and our God.
Using these three “places,” Brueggemann suggests that life has a rhythm as we move from one place to the next. He believes that psalms match those places and the surprisingly painful and joyful moves we make. In short, there are psalms of orientation, disorientation, and new orientation. Recognizing that different psalms match these three places in our lives can help us identify psalms that fit our personal lives. The same stages can be considered when a friendship or any other types of friendships First stage,
Orientation – in which we consider the world and our place in it Torah – in which we consider the importance of God’s revealed will Wisdom – in which we consider the importance of living well
Narrative – in which we consider our past and its influence on our present Psalms of Trust – in which we express our trust in God’s care and goodness The next state, is the stage of Disorientation - It is the state where one Laments in which we/I express anger, frustration, confusion about the experience of God’s absence (both communal and individual laments)
Penitential – in which we/I express regret and sorrow over wrongs we have done (both communal and individual penitential psalms)
The Third Stage Reorientation
Thanksgiving – in which we thank God for what God has done for us/ me (both communal and individual thanksgiving psalms)
Hymns of Praise – in which we praise God for who God is
Zion Psalms – in which we praise God for our home Covenant Renewal – in which we renew our relationship with God
Lastly, keep in mind that you should always “Though the tenets of A Woman’s Code may vary from group to group, there is one rule that is universal:
Mates are off-limits. Whether you were born a thousand years ago or yesterday, this law ranks supreme among all others — unfortunately, it is also the law that is broken the most often.”
BeBrave Journal Invitation:
Surrounding yourself with honest and loyal people is imperative to maintain a happy and healthy friendship. Every woman who has had a close girl friend or group of close girl friends knows there are some things loyal friends just do not do.
Bad advice is like bad medicine - It will never work or cure your aching soul What emotions do you perceive as negative/positive with your girlfriends What is your love language for yourself and do you know your friends love language
What are you doing to hold yourself and your friends accountable
How do you cope and respond when you feel things that you find challenging? How to navigate the sisterhood of women, to build collaboration rather than competition
BEING GROUNDED
Who would think being grounded would be a good thing? I suppose it all depends on how you interpret the words. When you read the title, what were your first thoughts?
Perhaps it made you think of your younger years. When you were grounded from doing something, for doing something you shouldn’t have.
In that case, how would that be a good thing? If anything, it may have been good for the person doing the grounding, but certainly not good for you!
And yet, now that you are older, you realize it isn’t so great for the one doing the grounding either. I hated grounding my kids. Because of their actions, not only did they not get to do what they wanted but it limited me as well in making sure I followed through on disciplining them.
Let alone them making you feel like the bad guy when you’re trying to teach them there are consequences for their actions. That hopefully they will learn from a couple of groundings to prevent much more severe consequences life can and will throw at you later.
So no, this article is not about being grounded in that sense. Then again, when you first read the title, you may have interpreted it as “being grounded” to what is listed in the Collins English Dictionary:
“If you say that someone is grounded, you mean that they are sensible and reasonable, and that they understand the importance of ordinary things in life.”
BY TAMMY VREELAND
Gee, one can only hope that those horrible groundings we received or gave out led to such a well-rounded person, right? Sort of ironic twist, to tie those two meanings together, don’t you think?
But what if I told you, it is actually something entirely different? That it literally means being grounded. As to you have your feet on the ground. Bare feet.
It’s a thing, believe it or not, and it’s quite interesting. This time of year, we all start feeling better. Why? Mainly because we are out in the sun and having fun.
When you are out on that beach, soaking up the sun, it feels good! For one, it is it a stress reliever, because obviously you are enjoying yourself.
And, I’m sure by now, most of you know what I am going to say next. It also gives you vitamin D. I knew it did, but it wasn’t until I started writing this article that my research revealed to me how? How do you get vitamin D from the sun?
It’s quite interesting. When the sun’s rays hits cholesterol in your skin cells, it provides energy for vitamin D synthesis to happen. But what does that have to do with being grounded?
I wanted to get your mind thinking about how good you feel on the beach. Most of us think the extra burst of vitamin D as being the culprit.
But what else feels good at the beach? Of course, the water itself. Whether it be fresh water or salt water. Cold or warm, it refreshes us from the hot sun.
But what else do we find ourselves doing at the beach? Curling our toes in the sand, or even walking on the beach barefoot? And this, my friend, is the grounding I wanted to write about!
If you stand on the ground barefoot, you are grounding yourself. It too can be good for you, like the sun’s rays.
Not something we really think about and unfortunately have gotten away from. Remember growing up running out the door with no shoes on?
The feel of the grass under your toes? I do. Back then, I didn’t think twice about not wearing shoes! I didn’t worry about the bugs, the rocks, or whatever else I may step on. I just ran and enjoyed the freedom.
You don’t see much of that today, other than on the beach. Maybe, we are missing out on something that is so simple yet beneficial?
When was the last time you went outside barefoot and it wasn’t at the beach? Seriously, no sandals, just bare feet on the ground? In the grass or dirt, not on a deck or patio. Your answer might surprise you.
Now what if I told you, scientists say that walking barefoot helps you absorb negative ions from the earth? Allowing you to have a vast supply of electrons from the surface of the earth.
barefoot on grass, dirt, or sand? Actually, there are quite a few!
It can help in preventing insomnia. Reduction in inflammation. Helps you improve your mental well-being. Regulates your heart’s health. And to be honest, I don’t know how or why, but it says it’s good for your eyes too?
They did say the color green is a soothing color that helps calm your mind and reduces tension. Research showed by walking barefoot in the grass can reduce stress up to 62%. If that’s the case, I might be ditching all my shoes!!! Seriously, who of us couldn’t use 62% less stress? takes a half an hour of exposure so it is recommended thirty minutes daily.
When will you start noticing a change? Some report benefits in the first 24 hours, others a noticeable change after a few weeks. Of course, grounding does not cure disease, but it does restore your natural electrical balance which can help reduce stress and inflammation.
Bottom line is while we are at the beach, we are walking around barefoot. Who knew that was actually grounding you and contributing to your well-being?
Why not apply that more in our lives? Allow the kids to run free on the grass. It’s good for them! Why not rip those socks and shoes off and run right along with them! Soak up those ions just like you do vitamin D!
Or, after a stressful day, either from work or life itself, kick off those shoes and go get your mail. Take the dog for a walk around the yard. Whatever, just let those little toes be free and feel the ground underneath!
Even at night, take the time to walk outside barefoot. Look up and see the beautiful stars we tend to forget and feel the earth below.
Being grounded isn’t always a bad thing, or the sensible thing, but simply feeling the earth below us and allowing it to restore our energy in a stressful world.
