KARMA SPEAKS

I’M A CONSPIRACY THEORIST

BY DENISE “KARMA” CLIFFORD

Hi, I have ADHD and I hate when people tell me they can’t focus either. Girl, I see your organized lifestyle, and it isn’t cute when you try to relate. Unless of course you truly do. It also goes way beyond focus and being organized. I recognize there is a large population of individuals who struggle with this condition too, and wish I had known I did as a child. I just thought it was a temporary mindset that I would eventually outgrow. It is not, but growing up being undiagnosed and finally finding out makes things I did make more sense.

In fact I am now learning that it just isn’t ADHD, but in fact other neurodivergent personality disorders associated with it, that I have struggled with my entire life. Females go undiagnosed more so than boys, as for some biological reason females we learn to “mask” to fit in, where boys are labeled hyper or troubled, as they tend to act out more so than twirls. Masking is something I’m sure I’ve become a pro at, and didn’t even know I was doing it. It’s a new term I’ve recently been enlightened with, and now understand why when I express to friends I have social anxiety, they laugh and tell me I’m absurd. As I get along with everyone. Masking is the ability to recognize what traits are socially accepted per experience, and to then mimic said traits. To fit in. It’s emotionally draining and now makes sense why after social events I have to self isolate, sometimes even for days. It’s like recharging my energy. Having ADHD became apparent to me when I started looking for signs and help for my own daughter who I knew was struggling as a child. I didn’t want to medicate her, so I tried to find techniques naturally. In doing so, I realized it wasn’t only my daughter, but myself who needed to find ways to cope and strategies to become organized, to focus and potentially not struggle through the day to day tasks that for most come easy. It still isn’t easy. I still

wonder why I dented for so long that I should be researching for myself.

Every day is Waking up to a different song inside your head. It plays constantly over and over while you contemplate getting up. Along with a list of the days tasks, yesterday’s conversations that your analyzing, memories of making breakfast for kids who are now grown, the noises of the roosters outside crowing, the dog jumping into your face, some unknown clouded sounds that seem to always be existing and fighting for you to hone in on them, the ongoing question if I’m good enough, but also knowing your way bend good. There are never not at least 10 thoughts bouncing around at one time. So just waking up in the morning is where the struggle begins. Coffee, at least there’s that. Sit, have coffee, think about a plan today. If there is not a structured already thought out plan, such as work, then who knows how or what will be of the day. That’s just the way this brain works. I know what needs to be done, but where does one begin, when there are multiple things to do? Sounds easy to most, Just pick one task and begin. To me, an overwhelmed brain makes choosing one thing just not good enough. I want to choose them all, And I want to get them all done at once.

Then there’s the distractions. They are non stop, like being on a train where doors are opening, people are walking by, and the train constantly jostles on the track. I once thought this was how everyone’s brain worked. Holding one conversation while looking at a wall and trying to measure its length in your head and picturing it the color you plan to paint it. Thinking about the next cabinet you are installing in the kitchen and the hay bails you need to get for the goats. All thoughts all at once. All while a jingle plays off on another corner of your mind.

There are days I am super constructive and get so much done and the feeling of accomplishment puts me on high and

“Girl, I see your organized lifestyle, and it isn’t cute when you try to relate. Unless of course you truly do.”

happy place. Yet alot of days where I’ve started things yet nothing seems to have gotten done and I fall into the useless unworthy pit. I try to recognize why this extreme change of behavior happens, but still have no answer. Or a way to even out the productivity.

I cringe when someone calls me, as the phone conversations make me uncomfortable, yet when I call someone it’s ok. I can be alright with a whole day or two alone, yet friends feel I need someone to stop by, so as to not be depressed. When honestly I need solitude to rebalance and shift my energy because I expressed it all in a social outing. I’m learning this behavior is normal for individuals who also struggle with the same disorder as myself.

I’ve lived the majority of life wondering why I don’t fit the normal that wasn’t me. I fear in trying so hard to mask, I never truly got to embrace my true self. I have recently come across individuals who are transparent in the adult diagnosis and how they are now living in their comfort zone, unmasked. Which I too want to begin doing. I cannot Undo all of the actions my disorder held me accountable to, yet I can now understand so much more of the path I choose. The emotions and feelings I held, and the uncomfortable life I was accustomed to, now doesn’t have to be my future self. I don’t have to fit in, or pretend I want to meet out when inside all I want to do is be alone, pet my dog and watch horror flicks. There is nothing wrong with saying no to plans. Or enjoying the company of animals and the great outdoors more than most people sometimes. My healthy mindset requires me to isolate and replenish my energy. I don’t have to be everyone else’s normal, to be content. In fact as long as I’m content, that’s my normal.