SHIFTING THE MASCULINE PARADIGM

YOU ARE ENOUGH. LESSON #4

BY NICOLE HEROUX WILLIAMS I PHOTOS BY NSP STUDIO BY DEVAN ROBINSON

Lesson #4: You do not need to make other people comfortable with your pain.

A habit I had to break over the last few years is the habit I had of hiding my pain. The urge to pretend everything is okay. The fear that if I wasn’t okay, then it meant something was wrong with me. The fear that my emotions would make other people embarrassed or uncomfortable. But, guess what, you do not have to make other people comfortable with your pain.

Think about the common greeting we have here in America.

You run into someone and they say “Hey, how’s it going?” And our ingrained response is “Good, and you?”

From early on we are taught to hide our feelings, because no one wants to say “Bad, it’s actually been a crappy day.” Because we don’t want to bother others or make them uncomfortable with your burdens.

But, it’s not our responsibility to make others comfortable.

If you are sad, don’t hide that sadness just because you think it will make other people uncomfortable. Express it. Cry if you need to.

If you are uncomfortable with how someone is treating you, don’t internalize it just because you think it might embarrass them. Say something. If you are upset, don’t swallow the anger, use it. Figure out what’s causing it and understand it. Be fierce. Don’t be afraid to be angry just because people might think you are too intense or aggressive.

Social conditioning has created this unspoken rule that it is our responsibility to make others comfortable around us. Which then causes us to hide our feelings. But that causes more problems for us. When we keep everything bottled up then we don’t have a chance to actually process our feelings. We don’t learn how to cope or adjust or work through the feelings.

This is how he get stuck in the same patterns. This is how we become unable to move forward.

Don’t keep your feelings bottled up just because the norm is for feelings to stay inside our heads.

Put yourself first. Worry about yourself and understanding your own feelings rather than worrying about how others will react to them.

This is all easy to say, but how do we actually do this? Talking.

Talk about your feelings and emotions.

Communication is the key in this situation. Normally people will tell you to journal about it, but that’s not enough. You need to talk about it. Not only with others, but also with yourself. Words are so powerful, so use them to your advantage. When you catch yourself feeling a strong emotion try talking to yourself in the mirror about it. Ask yourself what emotion you are having, where is it coming from, and what do you want to do about it. Do this without judgement. Not judging yourself for having feelings is a hard thing to do. It takes time, so make sure to practice self-compassion and patience with yourself.

Take some time to get to know you and feel comfortable with your emotions. Once you do, it will be easier not to care about others comfort level with your emotions too.

Warmly, Devan

About the Author

Devan Robinson is the author of “What’s Your Worth? And I Don’t Mean Money.”, motivational speaker, and life coach for female entrepreneurs. She helps women gain confidence and understand their strengths so they can reach their goals without guilt, shame, or fear. When she isn’t working on changing the world, you can usually find her hanging out with her dogs, spending time with her husband, or watching Netflix. If you are interested in learning more about her, check out her website www. developingwithdevan.com

“If you are sad, don’t hide that sadness just because you think it will make other people uncomfortable. Express it. Cry if you need to.”