The lit tle guide to fulfilment

fulfilment work book

The little guide to

fulfilment

Living a lighter life doesn’t just apply to what’s going on outside – it’s about what’s going on inside, too.

H

appiness, contentment, fulfilment – whatever you call it, you’d probably agree that attaining it is one of our ultimate aims in life, so we’re giving you a helping hand with our step-by-step guide to finding ways to feel more fulfilled and enjoy your life. Starting today!

Illustration hArriet stanes

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fulfilment work book

What is P

fulfilment?

hilosophers, thinkers and scientists have debated the concept of happiness for centuries. It’s generally thought to be a positive mental state of wellbeing ranging from contentment to intense joy. As it’s a completely subjective concept, some believe that happiness is elusive and perhaps not the best word to use to describe wellbeing. ‘Everyone goes from being happy to sad all of the time. It’s more useful to talk about fulfilment,’ says psychotherapist Mandy Cassidy. ‘You can be happy without being fulfilled but if you live a life true to your values, you’re more likely to be fulfilled in the long term. Then you will feel happier more often.’ Psychologists believe that you can develop skills and methods that help change the way you think so that you are more likely to feel content or fulfilled.

The science

Scientists know only the basic processes of what happens in the brain and body to make us feel happy or content. They think neurotransmitters, types of chemical that help relay signals from one area of the brain to another, are mostly responsible. Your brain orders these neurotransmitters to be released at certain times. They increase or reduce electrical charges that affect your emotions and hormone levels. There are a number of neurotransmitters which affect your mood:

Melatonin: A hormone produced by the brain when it gets dark, and which is responsible for your body’s waking and sleep cycle. Too much melatonin can make

you feel lethargic because your body’s internal ‘clock’ has been disrupted. Not enough melatonin can cause insomnia.

Oxytocin: A hormone whose release is triggered during childbirth and breastfeeding, and boosts feelings of love and contentment, and reduces anxiety. Serotonin: A chemical produced in the brain and gut that helps regulate mood and appetite. If you have low levels of serotonin you are more likely to feel tired, not be able to sleep, crave some foods and experience low moods. Dopamine: A chemical which can make you more talkative and excitable, which is stimulated by exercise and vitamin C. It affects the brain processes involved in movement, emotional response, and your ability to experience pleasure and pain. Endorphins: Chemicals that naturally block pain signals from the nervous system. They can enhance the immune system, relieve pain and reduce stress. You produce endorphins when you exercise, when you’re in pain, during sex and when you laugh.

did you k now

Serotonin and sweet stuff When you eat sugary or starchy foods – carbohydrates – the level of serotonin your body produces increases. The effect is immediate but only lasts one or two hours. This is because carbohydrates trigger the release of insulin into the bloodstream, which clears blood vessels of all amino acids (the building blocks of protein) except tryptophan, which makes serotonin. As time goes on, it takes more and more carbohydrates to get the same ‘feel good’ result. So you’re likely to put on weight if you’re eating to chase that good mood.

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fulfilment work book

What are

your values?

What are values? Values are your blueprint for a fulfilled life, like a compass that’s guiding your life, even though they are often functioning outside of your awareness. For example, if you feel distress about your weight, then it’s likely that some of your values aren’t being honoured or are in conflict in some way. Values are intangible and are internal motivators.

What you value determines how you think and feel about the decisions you make and the actions you take. This can apply to letting go of weight, and to weight management. Values are usually expressed in one or two words, such as: friendship, health, integrity, honesty, peace of mind, service to others, power, safety, freedom.

Exercise 1:

Establishing your values Getting in touch with your real values – rather than other people’s values – will motivate you to lead a more fulfilled life. The actions we take in our lives reflect our values. Establish what’s important to you.

Value Friendship

How it makes you feel

List your top five values below and, next to them, write down how they make you feel. Order the values by importance and list the problems you experience in trying to fulfil them – like the friendship example below. Then think of some ideas for how to overcome these problems.

Conflict

Solution

Connected, like I belong

Not enough time to see friends

Spend less time watching TV in the evening so I’ve got time to catch up with friends

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fulfilment work book

Set goals based on yo ur

values W

hen you set goals that reflect your values you’re more likely to achieve them. ‘We tend to be much better at setting goals in our working lives than in our personal lives,’ says psychology expert Mandy Cassidy. ‘Goal setting is simply stating, “This is what I want to do and how I am going to get it.”’ In order to achieve our goals we need to be motivated. There are two different types of motivation…

Exercise 2:

Internal motivation

This is when the motivation to achieve your goal comes from within. This motivation is your own. It’s something you choose to do for yourself, not for anyone else. Internal motivation involves exploring, learning and seeking challenges for the sake of it, where satisfaction comes from doing the activity and not just for the results. An example would be doing an evening class because you’re interested in the subject.

External motivation

This is when your motivation to achieve something is imposed from outside by other people, such as family, friends, doctors or your boss. External motivation means something that you think you ‘should’ do, or doing something for others – perhaps to gain their approval – doing something that’s not your own choice. For example, losing weight because your doctor told you to. People who experience high levels of fulfilment and satisfaction in their lives tend to have a high degree of internal motivation. How could you move your current motivation further into this area?

difficulty e th s ee s t is im s ‘A pes nity; in every opportu tunity the oppor an optimist sees culty’ in every diffi rchill Winston Chu

Visualise achieving your goals The more you see what you want in the future, the more you’ll be living it. Every day, commit ten minutes when you wake up and ten minutes before you fall asleep to visualising how you’ll feel when you achieve your most important goals. When you’re relaxed and semi-awake, your subconscious mind is far easier to work with. Visualise yourself in a position where you’ve achieved what you thought was important. If it was to lose weight and wear a show-stopping dress, then see and feel yourself walking into a room, feel how confident you are, imagine all the admiring glances you get from friends and family. Put yourself in a state of total belief, where you already have what you want. This will connect you to your goals through the power of the subconscious mind.

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fulfilment work book

‘Happin state o ess is a f activ Aristot ity’ le

Realistic

t hinking T

o live the best possible life, it’s key that we think realistically and don’t let ourselves get overwhelmed by ‘crooked’ thoughts. For example, if you’re on a weight-loss plan, have a ‘bad day’ and get upset, ask yourself why. Is it because you think it’s impossible to lose weight? This is quite an unrealistic outcome – and an example of crooked thinking (see p48). If you can identify these crooked thoughts, it’s easier to disregard them and take necessary action, such as saying to yourself, ‘I’ve lapsed today but I will get straight back on my plan.’ There are three processes you can go through to reframe your thinking and be realistic in the face of overwhelming emotions:

1

Think about what happened: If you lapsed and

ate a pack of biscuits while on a weight-loss plan, think about how it made you feel. Allow yourself to experience what you felt.

2 Reconstruct the situation:

Ask yourself if you learnt anything as a result of eating the pack of biscuits or gained a new insight into yourself or others. What will you do differently next time?

3 Gain perspective:

Think about what the experience looks like in the wider scheme of things and how you’ll feel about it a year from now. Yes, you may have lapsed today but that doesn’t mean you’ve failed – you can still reach your goal.

Exercise 3:

Check out your beliefs Think about a recent event where you felt overwhelmed emotionally. For example, the last time you gave up on a diet, or got upset when someone commented on your weight. Write down how you thought and felt at that time. Then, reassess the situation, applying our three-stage process. ......................................................................................................................... ......................................................................................................................... ......................................................................................................................... ......................................................................................................................... ......................................................................................................................... ......................................................................................................................... ......................................................................................................................... ......................................................................................................................... ......................................................................................................................... ......................................................................................................................... ......................................................................................................................... ......................................................................................................................... ......................................................................................................................... .........................................................................................................................

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fulfilment work book

Fulf ilment &

food

W

e can easily confuse pleasure for happiness. Pleasure is the result of a sensual, physical feeling – such as eating. But searching for pleasure is not always the way to achieve lasting fulfilment. So, in the case of food, eating too much can lead to obesity. For many of us, food fulfils an emotional need and we can misuse it because we’re actually seeking happiness or fulfilment. Some examples of this are:

Exercise 4:

Discomfort eating People talk about ‘comfort eating’ – eating foods you enjoy to cover up challenging feelings you’re experiencing. Try reframing this as ‘discomfort eating’ and ask yourself: what is the discomfort you want to avoid? If it’s boredom, for example, what can you do to change this? Keep a food diary and note how you felt before you started to eat to pin down what you were actually hungry for.

Day

When

Monday

In front of the TV at night

Social eating: When someone visits

us in our home, we generally offer them a drink, without asking if they are thirsty. It marks their arrival into our home. At weddings, when people pass from being single to attached, the change is marked with a special cake. We can use food and drink to deal with our anxiety around transitions or changes in our lives.

Ritual eating: Food is part of all of our cultures and religions, and we use it to help celebrate or mark occasions. Often we might be too afraid to tell our loved ones that we don’t actually want to eat the food they’ve prepared for us because we think it will offend them and affect our relationship. Medicating with food: Certain foods can make us feel better in the short term because of the way they are broken down by the body (see p34). We can also eat for psychological reasons. We medicate our feelings of loneliness, isolation or fear with food but it won’t make us fulfilled because we’re not addressing why we have these emotions in the first place. 38

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What you ate Crisps and chocolate bar

How you felt before you ate Bored, stressed

Were you hungry? If not, why do you think you wanted to eat? No. I’d had a bad day and needed to talk to someone.

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ers h t o e k l ma and faith l i w y happ s courage ” s i r e ev y. ha “Whoo. He who ish in miser er to happy will never p rank F e n An

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fulfilment work book

5 steps to

fulfilment There are practical things you can do to make yourself feel more content. Combined, they can help you become more fulfilled for more of the time something for 1Dosomeone else

Studies have shown that people who believe they are happy are also the most likely to behave in an altruistic way. Research has also found that people who experienced a happy event in the last hour were more inclined than others to come to the assistance of strangers. Try performing five acts of kindness beyond what you’d normally do in any given day – anything from opening a door for a stranger to giving blood.

2 Get moving

Not exercising is like taking a depressant. That’s because we were made to be active and when the need is not fulfilled, we pay a price – often with our mental health. Exercising releases feel-good chemicals in our body, like serotonin and dopamine, which make us happier. We feel less stressed, tense and tired, and our immune system gets a healthy boost. Get moving every day and build up to 150 minutes every week. To motivate yourself, write down how you feel before and after you exercise.

experience work as a calling when you do what you want to and feel fulfilled by it. To figure out what this might be, start by identifying three things: what provides you with a sense of purpose, what you enjoy doing and what are your strengths.

with the past or the future, we forget to enjoy the present and live in the now. To do this more, try learning new things, concentrating on one thing at a time, and devoting your full attention when engaged in conversation with others.

4Live in the now

5Simplify your life

‘Flow’ is a state of intense absorption and involvement with the present moment. You might have experienced it when you were so busy chatting to your friend, reading, writing or dancing that you forgot about the pain in your back, or that you were hungry. Flow is a natural high which is pleasurable and fulfilling. It’s also a positive, productive and controllable experience. When we’re preoccupied

Commit to being less busy. At the same time, make space for things you believe are meaningful and pleasurable, whether that’s spending time with family, gardening or focusing on a project at work. Learn to safeguard your time, say ‘no’ more often – to people as well as opportunities. It means prioritising and choosing activities that you really want to do, and letting others go.

3 Find your calling

Psychologists such as Tal Ben-Shahar believe that people experience their work in one of three ways: as a job, a career or a calling. A job is something you do as a chore for money and a career is more motivated by power and prestige. You lighterlife.com

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fulfilment work book

Gaining

perspective R

emember, no one is content all of the time, even though they may seem to be. What’s key is knowing we can develop ways and approaches to overcome life’s problems so that we’re more ready to deal with them when they arise. Living true to your values and learning to manage unhelpful thoughts and feelings can help ensure you live a much more fulfilled life.

Read back over your answers in this workbook and use the space here to come up with: Ten concrete things you can do to feel more fulfilled (for example, ‘Do 30 minutes of exercise three times a week’) Ten daily reminders of things to bear in mind each day (for example, ‘Think realistically’)

Make a note to read your list every day, or at least each week.

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‘Most people happy as theayre about as their minds tmoake up b Abraham Linc e’ oln

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