THERAPY COUCH

Maxine (Leeds) asks “I have been increasingly noticing that a person I consider to be an important friend has gradually become quite distant, behaving in ways that are unpleasant, disloyal and even underhand. She arranges things that exclude me and even tries to distance me from others in our friendship group. I’ve tried justifying, ignoring and making allowances for what’s going on by telling myself that she’s preoccupied or depressed, but it’s becoming too obvious and stressful to ignore. I’m hurt because over the years I’ve been a good friend, taking her to concerts and theatre shows, significantly extending her social interests and circle. I work full-time and am busy with a successful career, whilst she has professional qualifications that she’s never used, choosing to stay at home since the birth of her children thirty years ago. I’ve never considered this to be an issue, though it’s been made clear to me and others that my full life and many interests tend to irritate her at times.”

Therapist Susan’s reply: There are no guarantees that everyone in our inner circle will stay in our life and it can be a tough realisation when a good friend or longstanding relationship is discovered to be harbouring disdain or even contempt for us and our life choices.

Prior to this, have you occasionally noticed subtle cues, prompting you to reflect on the relationship, perhaps causing you to either become silent or try harder with them? If attempts to talk things through resulted in them becoming openly defensive or difficult, maybe even followed by an unenthusiastic apology, you may have to question if you really want to live this way. Will you always have to tolerate being treated badly to ensure that your inner circle runs smoothly?

There are times when a person's actions are so divisive that they can cause a split in a friendship group, forcing others to take sides. If you feel that you’re the catalyst for this

Has the time come when you have to accept reality, take stock and accept that their behaviour is their problem? And even if your paths still occasionally cross, safeguarding your peace of mind and not becoming stressed, unhappy or unwell is important.

There may be business or social events when you're still required to rub shoulders with them. It’s important to be the ‘bigger person’, smile and be polite in return. It oils the wheels of any meetings, alleviates tension and allows others to feel better able to relax. But, behind the smile, ensure you mentally distance yourself from the relationship, so providing protection from becoming vulnerable and risking the same thing happening again.

Remember, if you continue to mix with people who don't value, respect or treat you well you're not doing yourself any favours and are missing out on opportunities to find a circle of real friends. Value yourself by walking away, even though it might mean losing your old connections and, perhaps for a time, ending up alone.

When you fill your life with people and things that feed your soul, that bring you joy you'll gradually notice you attract more like-minded people who are supportive and on a similar wavelength to you. When you value yourself, you let others value you too.

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Susan Leigh A.C.H.Qual, M.N.C.H.(Acc), M.S.M.S.(Acc), H.A.Reg from Altrincham,Cheshire, is a counsellor, hypnotherapist, relationship counsellor,writer & media contributor who offers help with relationship issues,stress management,assertiveness and confidence. She works with individual clients,couples and provide corporate workshops and support.

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