Russell Grant Magazine - Nov21 (FIREWORK1121)

Maxine (Leeds) asks “I have been increasingly noticing that a person I consider to be an important friend has gradually become quite distant, behaving in ways that are unpleasant, disloyal and even underhand. She arranges things that exclude me and even tries to distance me from others in our friendship group. I’ve tried justifying, ignoring and making allowances for what’s going on by telling myself that she’s preoccupied or depressed, but it’s becoming too obvious and stressful to ignore. I’m hurt because over the years I’ve been a good friend, taking her to concerts and theatre shows, significantly extending her social interests and circle. I work full-time and am busy with a successful career, whilst she has professional qualifications that she’s never used, choosing to stay at home since the birth of her children thirty years ago.

I’ve never considered this to be an issue, though it’s been made clear to me and others that my full life and many interests tend to irritate her at times.”

Therapist Susan’s reply: There are no guarantees that everyone in our inner circle will stay in our life and it can be a tough realisation when a good friend or longstanding relationship is discovered to be harbouring disdain or even contempt for us and our life choices.

Prior to this, have you occasionally noticed subtle cues, prompting you to reflect on the relationship, perhaps causing you to either become silent or try harder with them? If attempts to talk things through resulted in them becoming openly defensive or difficult, maybe even followed by an unenthusiastic apology, you may have to question if you really want to live this way. Will you always have to tolerate being treated badly to ensure that your inner circle runs smoothly?

There are times when a person's actions are so divisive that they can cause a split in a friendship group, forcing others to take sides. If you feel that you’re the catalyst for this