THERAPY COUCH

BW (Derby) “I always felt that children would be an automatic part of my life as I got older and more settled in my life. But now I am with a partner who has grown up children of his own. He doesn't want to start another young family. I feel torn as I love my partner and want to spend the rest of my life with him. What can I do?” Therapist Susan’s reply: The decision about whether or not to have children can be an area of heartbreaking conflict in relationships. It is surprising how often couples fail to discuss this major issue, often waiting until they are seriously involved in their relationship. Discovering each other's hopes and dreams for the future, views on important matters like children should be an important part of learning about each other as they develop a long-term relationship. But a relationship can come to an important crossroads when one person is found to be infertile or voices their lack of desire to have children. The next step means that one person has to make a major compromise or walk away from the relationship in order to try to find a solution elsewhere. Sadly, there is no straightforward answers to this problem. There are some questions that can help you clarify how you feel:

- Might there be alternative ways that would enable you to satisfy your desire for children? Some people find that working with children, even in a voluntary capacity helps a little. Other people find that by doing this it simply serves to reinforce their desire to have children of their own.

- Would your partner relax his firm stance if he realised how much having your own children means to you? - As his children are older is there the potential for grandchildren with whom you could find some satisfaction and comfort?

- Would you rather be childless and with him than single and looking for a new mate? If the answer to these questions is 'no' then there has to be a discussion about where the relationship goes from here. Remember that if you do end your relationship with him there is no guarantee that you will find another suitable partner, and if you do there is no guarantee that he would want children or that you would be able to have them. Unfortunately, children are not conceived just because we want them.

Linda (Derby) “My mother gave me up for adoption when I was a baby and now that I am having my own family I want to know about my background. I can't understand how she could have given up her child. It's something I would never consider doing. I am struggling to come to terms with this problem. Can you help?”

Therapist Susan’s reply: Unexpected pregnancies provided rather different options twenty or thirty years ago when you were conceived. Times have moved on and being sensitive to what might have been happening in her life when she was pregnant with you has to be taken into consideration. Here are some thoughts on the subject: - You don't know what her situation or her options were when you were born. She may have been in a difficult relationship or perhaps no relationship at all at the time. Her financial situation may have been precarious. Her age, stability of circumstances and future prospects must have all played their part in her decision to place you for adoption. - Appreciate the life that her decision has given you. Blood ties are only one part of parenting. Value the parents you have had. They really wanted a baby and were fortunate enough to be blessed with you. They have done their best to be good parents and that was only possible because your birth mother felt that she couldn't be a good enough mother and wanted you to have what she felt unable to provide.

- There are organisations that will help you trace your mother, if both parties are willing.

The Salvation Army does a good job in tracing relatives and may be able to help you. Counselling is often recommended as a way of preparing for what may be discovered about your mother. Some people are convinced that by discovering their roots everything in their life will be made right, that they will obtain answers to lots of issues and questions. Often that is not the case. Sometimes disappointment has to be faced.

The life you have lived has contributed to your being the person you are today.

Yes, you may not find the answers to your questions but now is the time to appreciate the person you have become. The lessons you have learned through your experiences can support you as you settle into building a strong family unit of your own.

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Susan Leigh A.C.H.Qual, M.N.C.H.(Acc), M.S.M.S.(Acc), H.A.Reg from Altrincham,Cheshire, is a counsellor, hypnotherapist, relationship counsellor,writer & media contributor who offers help with relationship issues,stress management,assertiveness and confidence. She works with individual clients,couples and provide corporate workshops and support.

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