The Key West Bar Tab Staff P.O. Box 4951 Key West, FL 33041 info@KeyWestBarTab.com
this is what the icons mean: BTP
bar tab preferred
D
dancing
LM
live music
Editor-@-Large Larry Bradley larry@keywestbartab.com
Editor-in-Charge Rodrigo Mendez mendez@keywestbartab.com
Contributors:
Jodi Bombace, graphics
Kerry Hettinger, copywriter
Leigh Pujado, writer pujado@keywestbartab.com
Randy, bouncer randythebouncer@keywestbartab.com
OL
open late
Vinny-K, available for birthday parties k@keywestbartab.com
LB
locals bar
Photography & Illustration by Rodrigo Mendez
S
sports bar
If you would like to advertise in the BarTab, you can reach us at:
Email: Larry@keywestbartab.com Tel: (305) 292 6262
Thank You
OS
outdoor seating
AL
alternative lifestyle
NSO NSA
non-smoking only non-smoking available
NF
no frills
FS
food served
FSL
food served late
U
upscale
OV
ocean view
In this Volume of the Bar Tab... Open Bar. P. 12.
Vinny K. - Racks Them Up. p. 28.
We grab a stool and chill with our favorite bartenders.
Tales from a man who has drank it all and lived to tell the tale.
Cecil and Nicole from Bagatelle Bar Shots. p. 32-33.
The Bar Tab hits the town.
Leigh Pujado. Calls the Shots. p. 23.
Randy the Bouncer. p. 37.
Our ever-sensitive doorman gives advice to all those in need...or not.
WELCOME BACK As we inch our way forward off Duval, we have expanded our bar listings. Along with our stories from Leigh and the always adorable Vinny K, there is some exceptionally good banter coming from the Open Bar this month and Randy is back to give us some heart felt advice and knowledge. The Bar Tab would like to welcome Arthur back from his trip. Make sure to check out their awesome dinner specials and also keep an eye on this place to expand very soon. Bar Tab will keep you posted. Questions? Comments? Contact the Bar Tab at KWBT@keywestbartab.com And now for the legal stuff. All omissions in the Bar Tab are at the discretion of the publisher. All rights reserved & all contents copyright 2004, Flypaper Publishing, LLC.
SEBAGO AD
Duval Tab
Alice’s
The following is a listing of bars on Duval Street. They appear in alphabetical order and no moneys or services were exchanged for the information provided. Need an update? Contact The Bar Tab at KWBT@keywestbartab.com
801 Bourbon LM AL OL LB
801 Duval 294 4737
You can’t get anything you want at Alice’s, but they’ll come close. Alice has returned to her previous location across from La te da’s with a chic new world style menu. Todd pouring Alice’s favorite dirty, stinking, rotten martini (sounds bad, but oh so good). Opens at 6 pm.
Angelina’s Pizzeria
801 offers 3 bars with unique digs. The front bar acts as the main hangout with Tam pouring cocktails. Drag shows upstairs at 9 and 11 pm and also Saloon 1 with Michael & Bill which is not for the timid or faint hearted. Pool tournaments on Saturdays, 4 TVs (all w/ porn), 1 pool www.801bourbon.com
915 Wine Bar
Antonia’s
OS NSA FS U
915 Duval 296 0669
With eclectic decor, progressive world music and innovative photo art, 915 has put its mark in Key West as simply one of the coolest restaurants. Siobhain and Stewart left nothing to chance when they put together a varied tapas menu. Have Alex pour from one of the best wine lists we have seen so far.
1114 Duval 296 6706
NSO FS OL LB U
208 Duval 296 3600
OS NF FSL
Not a traditional bar, but the Bar Tab knights thee one. Best late night pizza on the strip and serving it till 1 am or later. Pinball to play while your waiting for a slice. Drafts x 3, to compliment the pizza of course. Chris at the counter here.
NSO FS U
615 Duval 294 6565
This gorgeous bar-restaurant is one of Duval’s finest. Over 100 bottles of wine and original daily menu creations. Get some tapas and wine at the bar from Mindy to start or let her style you all night long for a great Antonia’s experience. Too crowded for you to eat? Ask about their stylish upstairs dining room.
Aqua D LM AL OL
711 Duval 294 0555
Aqua mixes a dance club atmosphere with live entertainment. Googi, Faith and Eva doing drag shows Tuesday and Thursday through Saturday. Karaoke Monday and Wednesday with Paul serving up drinks. HH: 2 – 8 pm with $3 wells and $2.25 domestics. 6 TVs
Awful Arthur’s OS NF FS
628 Duval 293 7663
Arthur is back from fishing, bringing back fresh seafood to Duval Street. Nicky and Rae pouring two very happy hours 4 -7 pm and 11pm - 1am. Daily food specials Monday through Thursday. Arthur can be reached at (305) AWESOME. 2 TVs, 1 pool, 1 foose
Bacchus at La te da
LM OS FS OL LB U
1125 Duval 296 6706
Alice has moved across the street folks, leaving Bacchus, the god of wine in charge. This Mediterranean style restaurant doubles as a swanky martini bar. Come in and get one of Michael or Amy’s Randypolitan. Three bars to keep us quenched with shows nightly in the Crystal Room and piano bar. HH: Open till 7 pm on beer, wells and wine.
Bagatelle Restaurant BTP OS NSA FS OL
115 Duval 296 6609
Patio and deck seating a plenty, though we advise the venture in and up to the top bar. See Cecil for a grape-Cecil. An excellent date destination, this hip Duval Street dig won’t disappoint. Dishes at lunch are $10 - 16, and dinners around $20. Check out the Open Bar with Nicole and Cecil on page 12. www.BagatelleKeyWest.com
Banana Café
BTP OS NSA FS
1211 Duval 294 7227
The Banana, even though serving only beer and wine, earns their spot in the Bar Tab. Carina’s here serving breakfast and lunch all day. So, you can catch a burger at 8:30 am, or if you’re getting a late start (or heading to bed) try one of their omelets or Key West famous crepes until they closes at 4 pm (5 pm on Sat & Sun).
Bear Bottom Beach Club LM FSL OL
Matt won the duel and is still play piano songs here for our entertainment Tuesday though Saturday. Live music regularly during the week. With an outside dance party going on most weekends. Late night street side food counter here as well.
Bogart’s
900 Duval 296 0637 OS NF FS OL LB Find escape from the swift pace of Duval Street in this east-side bar. Pull up at the bar or kick up your feet on one of their many couches. Mix with the locals and let Sara make you feel at home. Juke with good tunes. 2 TVs, 1 pool
Bourbon Street Pub Beach Bar @ the Pier House
LM OS FS OV
01 Duval 296 4600
Jenine says, “The Pier House punch is magnificent” and the Bar Tab concurs. Sip on some drinks and get some great food or sit ocean side and soak in some rays. Live music Thursday- Sunday evenings. 2 TVs
218 Duval 292 0486
BTP D OS AL OL LB
724 Duval 294 9354
This is the ultimate escape for a guys only night out. Porn on TV, dancers on bar tops, and a pool with a waterfall out back. Monday night at the movies, Wednesday $10 all (wells) you can drink. Buddy, Aaron and Unstable Mable taking care of the boys here. 16 TVs (2 big, 3 with porn), 1 pool (literally)
This month our Bar Tab got
started at Bagatelle with Cecil and Nicole. After the bar cleared and a few cocktails, we had a chance to chat up the duo. BT: Which came first to Bagatelle, Cecil or Nicole? C: Me. N: Which will last longer? Cecil.
BT: Key West working history? N: The whole thing?! Let see, Thai Cuisine, PT’s, Adoby Gillus… (minutes later)… the golf course, Irish Kevin’s and then Bagatelle. But I was never fired..except for PT’s. C: She was let go. I started at Bagatelle... and then I was fired. Then I worked a La Trattoria, then the Meteor and then I came back to Bagatelle. But I was only gone from here for like a week. N: You had two jobs in one week? BT: So what’s your sign? C: Libra. N: Leo BT: New bar at Bagatelle? C: Yeah, the bar used to be over there. BT: What do you think of it?
C: I think it’s great. People like it, too. N: And I look good behind it! BT: Favorite dish at Bagatelle? C: Sesame tuna. N: Tuna timpora salad. C: Oh yeah, that is good. I change my mind. BT: Favorite activity in Key
West? C: Umm… drinking. N: Trying to hook-up [laughs]. C: That’s more of a sport than an activity. I like to scuba dive. I like to drink while I scuba dive. N: Trying to make it to work on time. C: Trying to get Nicole to cover my shifts. That’s my favorite activity. BT: Off Key West? N: I don’t know. I never get to that point. BT: Are you cute as a button? Cuter then a button? Or not as cute as a button? N: Cutter than. C: I’m a belt. BT: Hulk Hogan and Carmen Electra come to the bar at the same time and order the last Heineken, who gets it? Together: Carmen Electra.
BT: Drink of choice? C: Espresso Martini. N: Peppermint Schnapps. BT: Any shameless plugs? C: Yeah, I did Nicole once. N: Yeah, I thought I liked Cecil once.
Cecil & Nicole can be found most nights behind the Bagatelle bar at 115 Duval Street.
The Bull (&whistle)
LM NF OL
224 Duval 296 4490
Crabby Dicks
OS NSA FS S
712 Duval 294 7229
Pull up here daytime for the comedy music of Yankee Jack and stay into the night for either Giene or Dawn to take the stage. Live music all day, everyday. Show Christine, Carol or Marcy your Bar Tab and get 2-4-1 margaritas (or one large) or grab a table and ask Lynn, Vicky or Lucy for Debbie’s award winning Bloody Maria! www.bullandwhistle.com
Crabby’s offers second-story dining for all ages. Wonderful place to bring the fam or the guys for a night out. A horseshoe bar sits in the center with ample room. Scott, Kirby & Kelly keeping your thirst under wraps here. HH: 4 –7 with $1 Buds and Coors drafts, $2 wells and wines, some discounted chow, too. 6 TVs www.crabbydickskeywest.com
Caroline’s
Croissants De France
OS NF FS
310 Duval 294 7511
OS NSA FS
816 Duval 294 2624
An outdoor bar that offers cheap drinks, Caroline’s is also great people watching. Should we say more? We will. This totally outdoor bar/restaurant is awesome if the weather cooperates. Mark regulates the bar at night, Lester holds down the fort during the day. Garrett, Gemma and Matt fill in here too. 2 TVs
This Duval Street café is a bit surprising. From the front it looks like a patio pastry shop, but this remarkable place expands deep behind the shop to offer a great outdoors diing area. Serving a menu with over 100 meal variations, which is unexpectedly uncomplicated. Open 7:30 am till 3:30 pm B&L, reopening at 6:30 pm for dinner.
Chartroom
The Crown Room
BTP OL LB
1 Duval 296 4600, ext 477
One of Key West’s oldest bars. Rumor has it it’s where the Buffets met. In fact, this bar is so popular a few souls have pulled up a stool forever! Opens at 4 pm with Valerie dishing out $2 beers, $3 wells and Bacardi. 2 TVs, 1 popcorn machine
LM NSO U
430 Duval 296 2991
This swanky spot is a nice break from the normal hustle of Duval Street. Grab a table for some excellent food and still keep an eye on the action. Or sit at the bar and enjoy the tranquility it offers while chatting it up with the bartender. Live pianist (that’s a piano player) every Friday & Saturday.
Crow’s Nest
NF OL LB
208 Duval 296 4890
If needed, here’s your spot for sanctuary within the walls of Rick’s. Also a place to throw down at the bar with Les & Donny late night HH: Sun – Thur 12 4am, Fri & Sat 2 - 4 am. Or just come here to watch Durty Harry’s from above. Opens @ 9pm. 2 TVs www.ricks-keywest.com
Durty Harry’s
LM OS OL S
208 Duval 296 4890
Duval’s hidden sports bar incased in the back of the Rick’s mega-bar complex. At night however, the TVs become secondary to the bands that take the stage. Fred’s not missing a beat behind the bar here. 15 TV, 3 Bars www.ricks-keywest.com
Duval Beach Club OS FS OV
1405 Duval 295 6550
Also known as south beach, this place is located at the east end of Duval Street. A bar/restaurant braves the morning light to also bring you breakfast. After that however, it becomes one of the few bars on Key West that has an ocean view with a beach to sip drinks on. Sheila tending here. HH: 4 – 8 pm. 5 TVs (1 big)
Fat Tuesday
305 Duval 296 9373 OS OL “Home of the World Famous Frozen Drinks” direct from New Orleans placed conveniently on Duval Street. Chachi, Dominick & Layne dishing out the brain freeze here and other cold beverages, too. Be sure to ask for your tooter as well. 8 TVs, 2 bars, 1 pool www.keysdirectory.com/fattuesday
Fogarty’s
OS NSA FS OL S
227 Duval 294 7525
Booze loaded slushies at the flying monkey bar served up by Sheree & Matt to cool off us toasted, (HIC) I mean toasty barflies. Try the Dive bar in the back with Stacy & Melissa or cool off inside with Dutch. Massive portioned meals served here as well. 25 TVs (15 in AC!), 3 bars
The Garden OS NSA FS
917 Duval 292 0700
Previously the Lighthouse Café, The Garden has managed to create an upscale and extremely affordable fine dining restaurant. Beer and wine available here. Ask if the “bar” in the back is being seated.
The Garden of Eden
D OS AL
224 Duval 296 4565
Up on top of the Bull & Whistle, this roof top bar has a open view of the customers. This clothing optional bar offers a haven to bask all of it in the sun by day and dance bare by night. Tami and Dora at the bar giving $1 off frozen drinks. Dig in and hang out all night long. 2 TVs
The Grand CafĂŠ BTP OS NSA U FS
314 Duval 292 4740
If you want to check out the action on Duval and still have a great meal, the Grand is the place to be. Tracy and Eric serving some of the best martinis in town, not to mention authentic mojitos and the Grand margarita. Great gourmet lunchs can also be found here. 1 TV
Grand Vin
BTP OS NSA NF LB
1107 Duval 296 1020
This wine shop and bar is a great place to start or end an evening out. Buy a bottle and then either head to the patio for a private table or belly up and get the local scoop. Chris making sure that there’s always happy hours here. Vin also pours some wines by the glass and a few beers as well.
Hard Rock Café
OS NSA FS
313 Duval 293 0230
Rock & Roll music playing non-stop at this multilevel patio bar and restaurant. Upstairs available as well for seating with a bar that unfortunately usually stays closed. Donnell is pouring downstairs for us though. Good grub. Go there, get the T-shirt (Hard Rock Key West) and continue the crawl. 9 TVs
Hot Tin Roof
LM OS NSA FS OV U
0 Duval 296 7701
This is oceanfront dining at it’s finest. Check out the lounge here and have Nick create you a Hot Tintini, then sit back and take in the beauty of this mahogany wooden bar with featured works of local artist Jeff Beal. Live music Thursday & Friday. The Tin Roof opens at 6pm and reservations are recommended. 1 TV
Irish Kevin’s
LM FS OL
211 Duval 292 1262
Once a delivery spot for Duval Street shops, this is now a high energy drinking music spot. Kevin, Kevin & Kevin have the right idea with Guinness chugging contests, tequila poured down your throat on stage, accompanied by constant live music. Daily bar grub specials. 2 TVs (1 huge)
Jack Flats
509 1/2 Duval 294 7955
NSO FSL OL S
Old Key West meets new at this Duval Street bar. Get your face here on game day with a cool bar staff to keep us drinking on the rest of the days. Great grub served late night with Neal and Sean taking serious care of us thirsty barflies. 15 TVs (2 huge), 2 pool, 1 foose, 1 shuffleboard, 1 GT
KW Seafood & Beer Garden OS FS
519 Duval 296 2038
Don’t be fooled by the entrance to this Duval Street seafood restaurant. Journey past the bar into this fantastic city garden. Request the tiki-table for two and enjoy the vast beer list this establishment offers.
KWest D AL OL
705 1/2 Duval 292 8500
The show starts here nightly at 10 pm. Billie pours daily drink specials, Monday $5 Von Goh martinis, Tuesday 2-4-1 Sky cocktails, Wednesday $4 Long Islands till midnight to name a few. Guys, amateur night is on Saturday (with $2 Bud and Bud Lts.), think you got what it takes? 2TVs (1 flat screen w/ nude slide show) HH: Open – 8 pm.
La Trattoria NSO FS FSL
U
524 Duval 296 8118
Some would argue that this probably is the best Italian fare in the Keys. For over a decade now the Vitale family’s restaurant has been a must for locals and visitors alike with their classic and authentic cuisine, as well as an impressive list of wines from every region of Italy. The street side bar is perfect for sipping on your favorite libation.
Lazy Gecko LM FS OL
203 Duval 292 1903
Nothing lazy about this dig. The Gecko’s trying to jumpstart the mating ritual with $2 Tuesdays 9 pm to close and ladies night on Wednesday. B’day celebrated on 5/16 & 6/20 (cheap drinks for you and your friends). Ashling and Pauly in charge here. John spinning hip-hop Saturdays. 5 TVs, 1 pool, 1 foose
Magnolia’s
AL NSO FS OL
722 Duval 295 9336
Catch Darren behind the bar for an awesome happy hour from open till 5. Come and experience his Sexual Saturdays, Wild Wednesday, or for the island party Thursday with 16 oz. Bone Island ice teas for $5. HH: Open – 5 pm with various specials daily.
Mangoes Restaurant
700 Duval 292 4606 OS NSA FS Located at the corner of Duval and Angela, Mangoes has a very classy and relaxing dining patio complete with an outdoor bar. TK serving up the fabulous Mangoritas. Open 11 am - 1 am, 7 days a week. www.mangoeskeywest.com
Off The Hook FS OS NSA
One of Duval’s newest additions, the Hook brings Latin seafood dishes to Key West. Beer and wine only with a bar coming soon. The Bar Tab will keep you informed.
Old Town Mexican Café
Margaritaville
LM NSO FS
500 Duval 292 1435
On a slow day on Duval, this place will still be jampacked. As always recommended, you can grab a stool at the bar. Diane & Jim taking care of you there. The chances of hearing a Buffet tune here are great to absolute. Live bands take over in the night hours.
New York Pasta Garden
FS OS NSA
918 Duval 292 9889
OS NSA FS
609 Duval 296 7500
Passive ethnic décor to enhance your Mexican experience. Beer and wine served with a handful of Mexican beers, but BTs opts for the pitchers of sangria and margaritas. Be sure to get a banana enchilada to wrap thing up.
One Duval
1 Duval 296 4600 OS NSA FS U OV Dine ocean-side at this classy restaurant for breakfast, lunch or dinner. All of which are complemented with a very extensive wine list. Patrick’s the man here. Reservations are recommended.
1075 Duval 292 1991
Little Italy has landed in Key West and is located in the Duval Square plaza. Offering beer, wine and frozen drinks as our favorite refreshments Gloria’s here taking care of you.
Brick oven wood fire Pizza till 4 am
Opera
NSO FS U
613 Duval 295 2705
Sure, they are one of the best restaurants on Duval Street. And we assume getting an “extraordinary” award from Zagat’s is something to peek our interests. But where are the bar stools? What’s up with that?
Origami
BTP OS NSA FS
1075 Duval 294 0092
We like Origami. Offering a high-energy sushi bar and an abundance of outdoor seating, coupled with astounding sushi. Located in the Duval Square Plaza, beer and wine served here as well as a large supply of sake.
Papa’s Restaurant OS NSA FS
217 Duval 293 7880
Papa’s built a side bar and shop for us (so we can still puff), with Bill and Amy taking care of us. Indoor and outdoor seating available for the restaurant serving breakfast, lunch and dinner. 1 TV
Red Garter OL
208 Duval 296 4890
Slim pickings on the dance floors of Rick’s guys? Well then head towards Durty Harry’s and duck into the Red Garter to see all of the beautiful ladies of Rick’s. Private rooms here to get to know each other a little better. 1 Bar, 1 Stage, 1 TV (you’re watching TV)
Rick’s Downstairs LM OS OL
208 Duval 296 4890
Oddly enough, placed below Rick’s upstairs, this part of the Rick’s complex offers a laid back alternative for live entertainment. Karaoke starting at midnight on Tuesday and music throughout the week. Lize keeping drinks full and peanuts flowing here. 4 TVs (1 big).
Rick’ Upstairs
D OL OS
208 Duval 296 4890
The party can start and end here with things kicking off at 8 o’clock and going till 4 am. Hormonefueled crowds raging until the wee hours, DJ’s spinning dance melodies and 2 decks hanging above Duval Street. Pickles and Spencer dispensing drinks. 15 TVs (12 = 1 huge) www.ricks-keywest.com
The Art of Being a Good Customer
A
By Leigh Pujado
s a bartender and member of our Key West service industry, I consistently wish for our customers to leave our bars with a nice buzz and good memories of their bar experience. Basically, I want you to leave happy, and hopefully, return to my bar. But if I’m doing my job and you’re throwing a wrench in the whole operation by abandoning your common sense or by simply being a jackass, well then, the quality of your bar experience will surely suffer. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: It’s never a good idea to piss off someone who handles your food and drink. In order to better equip you on your drinking excursions, I’m offering you the following tips.
SMOOTH TRANSACTIONS • You’ll probably notice that certain customers at really busy bars always seem to get served really quickly. These people are likely regulars and/or notably good customers. When a bar is really busy, the bartender is seeking out people who have their money out and a smile on their face. These people look ready and your bartender knows he or she isn’t going to tie up valuable time trying to figure out what everyone in their party wants to drink. • Don’t scream, pound ashtrays and bottles or flail your arms to get our attention. It’s only food and beverage, not life or death. My bartender friend Emmet from Michael’s says his pet peeve is people who wave him down like their ass is on fire, then have no idea what they want. • Paying for drinks and food should never be an ordeal. Some bars require cash as you order, so try to have your money ready. If you want to run a tab, be prepared to surrender a credit card as collateral. • Only order drinks you intend to pay for. It is uncouth to order a margarita, a rum & coke, three rum runners and a Miller Lite, then when the bartenders says “$31.50 please,” to say, “Well I’m just paying for the rum & coke.” If you don’t intend to pay for your friends drinks, don’t order for them.
• Separate checks are not a constitutional right. Some places will do them, some places will look at you like you have two heads just for asking. Ask before you order. • Bartenders and servers always remember who was a good tipper. Tips are an important part of our income and if you don’t understand why you should have to throw money at service people, just imagine what the bars would be like if tipping were not customary. We could transform the whole American service industry system by increasing all prices to include gratuity. Of course without the incentive of tips, bars and restaurants would likely become employers of clerks and you could get the same kind of human interaction with the sparkling personalities that you already enjoy at the check out at K-Mart.
• If you are romantically interested in the staff, make sure the employee is genuinely flirting back, and not simply being nice to you because it’s part of the job. It’s natural for a man to be attracted to a cute waitress who is fetching him drinks. She’s being nice to you because this her job, not because she wants you to hit on her. • Lots of people hook-up in Key West bars and we think that is a beautiful thing. But please remember that a come-on is an invitation for a date or more and should not be a form of harassment or anything that makes the recipient severely uncomfortable. We don’t like our valued customers to leave our bar because some moron won’t stop hitting on them. • After you have been drinking for a few hours, don’t assume that you are now charming to other customers.
THE HUMAN ELEMENT • It’s great to get to know your bar staff. Ask their names and introduce yourself. Bartenders and servers want to chat with you and exchange jokes or stories. Remember that they are working so be prepared to cut off the conversation at a moment’s notice and not take it personally if the employee dashes off right before you deliver the punch line.
SAY WHAT? • We get a lot of different people from a lot of different places in the bars of Key West. Some people have thick accents, speak little or no English while others just talk funny. Try to speak as clearly and loudly as possible. Nothing drives me more crazy than having to struggle over the noise of the band to hear some guy is practically whispering his order.
SPEAK UP! • Can you pronounce what you drink? It’s Heineken not Heinekens. It’s Miller Lite not Millers Lite. I could do a whole chapter on Bacardi Limon. “Limon,” which is pronounced [Lee - Moan] is a lime flavored rum. “Lymon” is your hillbilly cousin down on the Bayou. • It’s customary to name the liquor first, then the mixer. If you order a “cranberry and vodka on the rocks,” you technically would get a glass of cranberry juice as well as a rocks glass with vodka and ice. It’s a “vodka cranberry.”
COMMON SENSE • Don’t stand in front of the beer taps and ask what’s on draft. • If patrons in full view are clearly eating, don’t ask if food is served. • Don’t ask the staff for drugs or even for info on how to get a bag of anything illegal. We will not risk our job and going to jail just so you can get high. • Please don’t ask us if we live here. We ALL live here. Leigh Pujado, Celebrity Bartender can be seen and admired from afar at the Schooner Wharf Bar. Paparazzis are welcome.
rod’s ad
Rhumba @ Crabby Dick’s
708 Duval 296 1401
LM OS NF OL LB
This sidecar bar to Crabby Dick’s is appreciated by all. Try either their authentic Cuban mojito or stick around for their real deals with Bree (7 – 10 pm $1 Bud drafts, $2 wells and wines). A spacious area in the rear to shoot some stick or settle in on Thur & Fri for Karaoke and Sat with DJ Jimmy spinning house tunes. 4 TVs, 1 pool
Shark Attack
606 Duval
NF
FS OL LM
201 Duval 294 5717
This busy corner bar can supply enough entertainment from people watching alone, but they also complement it with live music all day long. Specialty drinks a plenty served up by Marla and Bonnie. www.sloppyjoes.com/
LM OS NSA FS U
1075 Duval 296 4300
Located in the Duval Square plaza, come here to try Patrick’s “Monkey Nuts” or the provocative Sextini. Tuesday though Saturday drink specials available, too. An elegant menu of largely American-style seafood with an international kick. B&L served 8:30 am – 4 pm, dinner starting at 6 pm. www.squareonerestaurant.com
Sunset Deck
Great position for a pit stop along Duval Street. Fill your drinks here (to-go) or belly-up with Jason street side and find out the local scoop. Want proof of your Key West shark attack? Picture available here. Juices and sodas here too, if you’re into that.
Sloppy Joe’s
Square One Restaurant
OS OV
1 Duval 296 4600
Kicking things off about an hour before sunset and going on a few hours after, the name says it all. Come here to kick back a few and enjoy Key West’s “world famous sunsets”. Make sure to steal a 2-4-1 coupon from security to cash in with Kathleen.
Sunset Pier LM OS FS OV
0 Duval 295 7045
Located on the west end of Duval, this is either the beginning or end of your Duval crawl. A great place for sunsets with shaded fiesta-style seating. Get some of Charlie’s Monkey Love or a Funky Fish from Libby or Sue. Wells $5, $3 & 4 beers food served till 11ish. 3 TVs, 2 disco balls (1 huge) www.oceankey.com
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because there was a homeless guy who just s#*t himself sprawled across the sidewalk! by Vinny K
“W
”
eh! People down here love to bitch about everything. “Don’t keep the bars open until four.” “I can’t see the sunset, because our ship is in the way.” “Don’t drive on the railroad tracks.” Actually, that’s one I tend to agree with. But, whining is a big part of life here in Key West. Who would of thought? I always figured paradise to be a naked Alissa Milano hand feeding me pigs in the blanket while I watch Animal House part two on my 3-d television.
“Weh! I hate the homeless!” Yeah, well there’s another one I tend to agree with. But let’s separate the homeless into categories. There are the dumb-ass rainbow kids, the kids with the dirty dogs on a rope playing hackysack smiling all the time. Yeah, they’re smiling because their parents have more money than God, and their way of getting back at them is to sit on Duval Street and annoy us. Then there are the urine soaked, goat smelling wastes of space that need a dollar for marijuana research. “Weh! I hate the chickens!” My favorite answer to the statement “the chickens were here before you were!” is, “Well yeah, so were the Indians, but when was the last time you saw a freaking teepee”. So as fairly intelligent adults, we should be able to find an entertaining use for both of these annoyances. Oh, sure we could have a good old
fashion bum toss. Or play Rocky and chase a chicken. Heck, we could chase a bum and toss a chicken, it’s a free country. Personally I would pay the homeless to walk the chickens on leashes up and down Duval Street nightly just to see the expression on the tourists’ faces. I think there’s a conspiracy going on. My theory is the bums have been playing possum all these years and have been training the chickens to kill. Soon they’ll have an elite fighting brigade of obnoxious poultry; with us being too drunk and lazy to defend our home, they’ll eventually run the town. (Don’t worry nobody will ever even notice.) Maybe I’m wrong and they’re teaching them tricks to form the Southernmost Chicken Circus. Although cock fights are illegal and bum fights have been done to death, we could match the two up against
each other. Picture the next Bubba Boxing, in this corner a six pound hen and in this corner weighing slightly less, the bum that looks like Santa on crack. Can you say pay per view? I am so pissed at each and every one of you. I can’t believe I’ve lived here nine years and no one told me that there was an island with monkeys just running amuck. So there’s a Monkey Key, sounds too good to be true. It probably is, but the story I heard is too great not to believe. The way I heard it, some guy wanted to bring a monkey refuge to the continued on page 42
Teasers Downtown
BTP D OL
218 Duval 292 0486
Watch out for Teasers. Conveniently in the 200 block of Duval, you can get a private dance with Brooke or go all out and pop a bottle of the bubbly and an invite into the upstairs champagne room. Michelle offering specials at the bar, all day long.
The Top of La Concha OS NSA U OV
Tree Bar
208 Duval
BTP OS NF OL LB Rick’s side of the road bar may save you some nights from having to penetrate the Rick’s complex. Do a walk-by to fill your glass or take a seat and get the local scoop from Barbara and Tommy.
430Duval
296 2991
Located seven stories above The Crown Room, The Top offers one of, if not the best sights in Key West. Pat and Barbra are on top keeping your glasses filled. Best known for their sunset view, La Concha offers just one other place to escape in Key West.
Tropical
OS NF
925 Duval 293 6630
If real fruit daiquiris are not your desire, how about having the sexiest bar staff on the island making them for you? The gilrs of Tropical are here all day long blending things up for you. You can pick up beer and smokes on the fly too.
Virgilio’s BTP
D LM OS OL U
524 Duval 296 8118
The backyard of La Trattoria becomes the best late night locals bar. Complemented with a great covered patio, this is a classy dive bar for fly boys to meet fly girls. Live jazz and Latino music to bring it all home. Jenn, James & Craig pour tall ones here. Good luck Rochelle.
BAR
R SHOTS
The (bull &) Whistle
224 Duval 296 4565 OS BTP OL This comfortable saloon-style bar is conveniently nestled between The Bull and The Garden of Eden. Surrounded by a balcony that makes people watching rival drinking as a past time. Get 2-4-1 well drinks from Cindy, Bobby, Steve or Val when you show your Bar Tab. 1 TV, 2 pool, 2 pinball, 1 foose, 2 darts
Willie T’s
515 Duval FSL LM OS OL 294 7674 Menu includes everything from burgers and salads to lobster and filet dinners. Have an extra buck? Leave your mark at the bar. They also serve late night food till 2 AM, with restaurant seating available as well. HH: 2 free domestic drafts with lunch, till 4 pm. 3 TVs (1 big), 1 pool, draft x 10, 2 Bars
A Bit of an Old & New Town Tab The following is a listing of bars located off Duval. They also appear in alphabetical order and again, no moneys or services were exchanged for the information provided. Need an update? Contact The Bar Tab at KWBT@keywestbartab.com
Alonzo’s BTP OS NSA FS U OV
The bottom part of A&B Lobster House, Alonzo’s happy hour is the best in town for the view that comes with it. Sip on 2-4-1 drinks from Keith and Hannah then relax on the harbor walk. That’s not all of it either! Half off most apps, too. If you stay past that be prepared for one of the best seafood menus on the island. HH 4 - 6:30 pm.
Atlantic Shores World’s Smallest Bar@Ochi
124 Duval NF OL 294 8507 The world’s smallest bar lives up to it name. Blink and you might miss this hole in the wall (literally). This bar, also serving for Ochi Café, stays open well after Ochi closes. Various bartenders playing host here. 1 sign, 2 rules, 3 stools.
700 Front 294 5880
OS AL FS OV
510 South 296-2491
Shores diner is located up front with Liz watching things, but the biggest buzz here is the deck and pool side bar. The music sets the tone for the Shores and get there early to sit pool side. Suit are optional here, so leave the kids at home. Adam and Brad covering the bar here. http://www.atlanticshoresresort.com
Bare Assets
1029 Truman 296 3979
OL LB
Shannon’s watching your drinks here so you can keep your eyes on the ladies dancing at the stage. Assets opens at 4 pm with a happy hour on pretty much all drinks until 8, with nightly drink specials available.
Billie’s Bar & Restaurant LM OS NSA FS OL LB
407 Front 294 9292
Right in Old Town, Billie’s restaurant serves breakfast, lunch and dinner and is just steps away from Mallory Square. The front bar is where the locals hang! Patrick, Lisa, Andy, Zach and Kerry pour’em and keep’em coming till 4 am. 2 HHs 5 - 7 pm and 11 pm - close with $1 drafts and $2 wells. 4 TVs, 3 pool, juke tunes
Brick House 423 Caroline BTP OS NF OL LB S One of the local’s favorites with great local prices, the Brick House could be our new red castle. Watch all your sporting events and music DVD’s on “Big Daddy” Jim’s big screen. Gary manning the bar here, too. 5 TVs (1 big), 1 pool, 1 foose, juke tunes, & 1 big apron
Café Solé 1029 Southard BTP NSO FS U
294 0230
Just a few short blocks from Duval, Café Solé has some of the most authentic cuisine you will find this side of Paris. Fine wine, Sherry and port and beer as well as a pre-sunset $19.95 two course meals offered nightly. Café Solé was rated #1 for food by Zagat 2004 and opens daily at 5:30 pm with brunch on Sundays.
Castaway 601 Southard Bottle Cap Lounge NF OL LB
1128 Simonton 296 2807
Simplicity at its finest, the Bottle Cap has been dubbed by a few the “Cheers” of Key West . Complete with a liquor store attached, Jeremy pouring two separate happy hours 5 – 7pm and 11pm – 1am . 3 TVs, 2 Pool and Juke tunes
NSO FS
292 1121
Castaway is just like being at home, but with someone else to do all of the work. Dishes have been described as comfort food and you’ll know why when you try Pat’s homemade conch fritters and crab cakes. Beer and wine served. Opens at 8:30 am to 3 pm.
Ask Randy... THE BOUNCER
Our readers seek the advice of our ever-caring doorman.
Dear Randy, Why are they called the “Florida Keys”? -Curious about geography
Dear Curious, Who gives a crap you peckerwood. You moved here without knowing, why wonder now? And instead of asking me, pick up one of the many tourist guide books to the Keys & read. You do know how to read, right? That way you don’t sound so much like a fucking tourist. Oh, & by the way, I do know the answer to this question, I’m just plain not going to tell you because I really don’t like you! Now go away. Randy Thanks for helping out again Randy! Ask Randy your inquires at: randythebouncer@keywestbartab.com
Conch Seafood Republic
NSA
LM OS
FS OV
631 Greene 294 4403
This open air bar offers dozens of rums and then some. Plenty of seating at the bar for their 2-4-1 HH 4 to 7 pm . Live music at least every night and be sure to ask about the rum sampler (really cheap!). T-spaz and Robin rum running here. 5 TVs
Captain Tony’s
BTP LM NF OL LB
428 Greene 294 1838
This open air bar offers dozens of rums and then some. Plenty of seating at the bar for their 2-4-1 HH 4 to 7 pm . Live music at least every night and be sure to ask about the rum sampler (really cheap!). T-spaz and Robin rum running here. 5 TVs
Finnegan’s Wake OS NSA FSL OL LB
320 Grinnell 293 0222
This Irish pub and restaurant serves up a great draft selection. Both indoor and outdoor bars with Giene singing karaoke Tues and Wed. Complete with backgammon and checker barrels outback. Denise & John pouring draught here. 6 TVs
Green Parrot 601 Whitehead Street BTP LM NF OL LB
294 6133
Probably the biggest anchor in Key West, the parrothas the best happy hour in town 4 - 7 pm, and drinks stay pretty cheap all night. This and some of the best live acts in town with a bar staff that makes slinging drinks look as easy as drinkin’ ‘em. Heidi keeping the parrot happy here. 4 TVs, 2 pool, 1 dart
Harbor Lights 711 Eisenhower Felice 1101 Truman NSO FS
296 1886
Next to Teasers on Truman, Felice cooks great homemade Italian food for dining in or delivery. Good selection of beers and wine by the glass and bottle poured out by Vic. Free delivery. 1 TV
LM FSL OL LB OV
295 3350
A homey restaurant where the upstairs opens at 5 pm with a great menu and seating over looking the harbor, or stop at the bar for a drink with Joey Bear. The downstairs is causal with great bar food and live entertainment Wed through Sat. 7 TVs, 1 Pool, 1 GT
Hogs Breath
400 Front 292 2032
Catering to a large tourist crowd and somehow remains a favorite for locals. Here’s how. Great bar staff and shucking bar. Great live music. Great grub. Mark here on Thursdays. 3 bars, 6 TVs
Iguana Café 425 Greene OS FSL OL
296 6420
The best all night food on the island, the Iguana is only a half a block from Duval. With a sidewalk patio, you can pull-up and chow down without missing anything. Beer and wine served (for now) and a great internet café next door with Eric.
Kelly’s 303 Whitehead OS NSA FS U
293 8484
Indoor seating available, but since you’re in Key West , be sure to try their spectacular outdoor dining area. Great 4 – 7 pm HH on drinks and some food at their triangular shaped bar. Ask Jennifer or Shane to try one of their micro brewed beers.
Louie’s Backyard BTP OS OL FS OV NSA U
700 Waddell 294 1061
Come for a spectacular dinner, stay and hang out ocean side at the After Deck bar with Alan. Sit back and sip on some of Louie’s passion or their Island Cosmo. Food Served 11:30 am till 2:30 pm and 6 till 10 pm.
Meteor Smokehouse BTP OS NSA FSL OL LB
404 Southard 294 5602
Drink under the treetop canopy at the outside bar. The Meteor has fantastic BBQ dishes. Tom, Ty, Puff and Heidi making Smokehouse Lemonade and their Meteorbalst cocktail. 4 TVs, Juke tunes.
Naked Lunch 6 Charles D OS AL NSA FSL OL
293 9532
In the middle of the 200 block of Duval, Charles Street takes you to the only clothing optional restaurant in the Keys. Piano shows with Dan Tues – Sat. Receive a free well drink with the purchase of most entrees from Alana or Jenn. 2 TVs
Schooner Wharf BTP LB LM OS OL FS NF OV
202 William 292 9520
Spacious marine sides bar where the din of local chatter and live music usually fills the air till early morning. Leigh and Tommy easily keeping up with the locals needs here (no easy task). Make sure to check out Frank Everhart the only Bar Magician in the Keys 6 years running. 2TVs (1 big), 1 upper deck
Shanna Key 1900 Flagler LM NSO FSL OL LB S
295 8880
Barry and Peter have opened their own place where Our Place used to be. Pouring great Ales and great Irish food (try the beer battered burger) and is a great place all times of day. Music on stage Friday and Saturdays and you can find Tara, Wendy, Kristy and Jason behind the bar. 4 TVs, 1 pool, 140,000 Juke tunes
Stick n’ Stein 1126 N. Roosevelt OL LB S
296 3352
OK. Here we go (deep breath in) Stick n’ Stein has 79 TVs, but some say 88, 9 of which are big, a row of token slot machines, 4 bowlingo lanes, 10 pool tables, 4 Golden Tee, with rumors saying 2 more on the way, a wind machine to win prizes in, and karaoke Saturdays at 9 pm (exhale). Macy and FSChrissie behind the bar. HH starts at 11 am , too.
Turtle Kraals 231 Margare Street BTP OS NSA FS LB OV
294 2640
A local and tourist favorite and also home to the turtle races. Great harbor view with Johnny B and the Turtle Kraal tower bar. Go there at sunset for a great happy hour and a view of the city. Some apps served up top, too. http://www.turtlekraals.com/
White Tarpon 700 Front LM OS NSA OL LB OV
295 5222
With water front patio seating this liquor, wine and beer shop doubles and an inviting modest bar along the harbor walk. Claimed inventors of the Key lime martini, Sean and Nicole will prove their knack at creating them. Also offering some Damn Good Food, too.
continued from page 29
Keys. He chose an island near Summerland. Soon after he started this project he lost his funding, but not before bringing a bunch of monkeys to their new home. He eventually left town and left the monkeys alone on this strange island. Now the person who was telling me this story was a little buzzed so it gets a little sketchy. It seems somehow everyone forgot
about the monkeys… until hurricane Georges. (This is where you play the scary music and show the wind pick up.) Now, the monkeys didn’t adapt to their new home and couldn’t hold on to the trees. It was like the Wizard of Oz, monkeys flying all over the place. They washed up as far away as Tampa. I know it’s getting a little far fetched but the guy was very passionate. I hear now when you drive your boat past the island the monkeys throw feces at
you and wave their fists like an old man chasing the neighborhood kids off the lawn. I do have a plan for taking the land back for the humans. First we’ll need to infiltrate, I think the rainbow kids will be perfect for that. They smell about the same, and they can pick bugs from each others hair. I think the monkeys would like that. If that doesn’t work we could build a giant replica of the top part of the Statue of Liberty and really freak out the tourists. Actually, I would love to have a monkey refuge so close since I’m not allowed in Monkey Jungle any more, but that’s a whole other story. We found a “head zoo”. It was during a recent blackout after leaving Rev. Chris and Nigel at Meson de Pepe’s. We wandered into what looked like something out of Alice in Wonderland. It turns out it’s a mural park dedicated to famous residents of the past. There was Hemmingway and
some lady who was wearing a top hat and was a famous candy puller. I’m not sure either. But it is nice to know that if you make a mark in local society, one day if you’re lucky some drunken tourist just might stumble out of a Cuban restaurant and maybe, just maybe, piss on a clay version of your skull. Vinny K can be heard weekday afternoons on Island 107.1 The Keys New Rock Alternative
From the editors... That just about closes another Bar Tab. Make sure to look for your next Bar Tab in June. The Key West Bar Tab can be found all over town with an exceptional amount being found at: Atlantic Shores 510 South Billie’s 407 Front
Bogart’s 900 Duval Bull and Whistle
224 Duval
Cabby Dicks 712 Duval Rhumba
708 Duval
Double Tree Resort 3990 S. Roosevelt Blvd. Grand Café 314 Duval Hurricane Joe’s & Jet Ski rentals 5110 Highway 1
Fogarty’s
227 Duval
Iguana Café 425 Greene La Concha Hotel 430 Duval The Top and Crown Room Meteor Smokehouse
404 Southard
Pier House 1 Duval So, until next time, good drinking, tip well and be sure to grab your BAR TAB.
PS> YOU are the Word on the Street. If you would like to keep us updated on what’s new at your place, please keep us updated at (843) 607 3292 That way we can keep your Bar Tab up to date. If you would like to Advertise in the BarTab, you can reach us at: Larry@keywestbartab.com (305) 292 6262