Good-bye, Love. Good-bye, Joy. Hello, Travis McElroy.

Good-bye, Love. Good-bye, Joy. Hello, Travis McElroy.

By Aaron Kozak

REVISIONS BY (Kozak, 07/01/09)

Aaron Kozak 5716 1/2 Camerford Ave Los Angeles, CA 90038 (323)877-5999

“Do not internalize the industrial model. You are not one of the myriad of interchangeable pieces but a unique human being, and if you’ve got something to say, say it, and think well of yourself while you’re learning to say it better.”

-David Mamet, True and False: Heresy and Common Sense for the Actor

2.

ACT ONE - SCENE ONE Lights up.

A trendy apartment, every flat surface bejeweled with useless decor from stores like Pier-One Imports and Bed Bath and Beyond, obviously owned by clean girls. On the small coffee table at center stage, in front of the couch, a newly filled bowl of jelly beans awaits hungry hands.

LINDA walks though the front door, crying, dressed in scrubs, holding several rented DVDs of “Sex and the City: Season Four.� The amount of mascara running down her face broadcasts the extended duration of the crying spell. She sits on the couch, next to the jelly beans, sniveling uncontrollably. This builds to heavier crying. She grabs a handful of jelly beans, shoving them into her mouth, crying as she chews. She grabs the phone, composes herself, and dials.

LINDA (Sniveling through the conversation.)

Hey. It's me. I'm sorry. I really messed up and I'm sorry.

That's all I can say. I'm sorry and I love you. And if I could go back in time or something, I would, but I can't do that, Tom! I'm not magical, Okay?! The only thing I can say is that I'm sorry and that I messed up and that I love you and that I would go back in time if I could. Okay? Call me whenever you get this.

(Breaking down.)

This is Linda.

She hangs up right before the complete breakdown. She devours another handful of jellybeans. Regaining composure, she picks up the phone. She dials.

3.

LINDA (cont'd) (Feigning happiness.)

Hey, Daddy. Fine. Mmm-hmmm. Can I talk to Mom, please?

Thanks. Love you, too.

She pulls a Kleenex out of her purse and furiously wipes her nose, waiting.

LINDA (cont'd) Hi. Me and Tom are fighting.

Linda breaks down. She stops.

LINDA Friends is on four more times tonight. Oh. That’s a funny one. Okay, well, just call me when it's over, I guess. No, it's fine. Bye. She hangs up, instantly breaking down.

Sadly, she inserts the DVDs, crying the entire time. She walks off-stage into the kitchen, still crying, and reenters with yoghurt. She turns on “Sex in the City," which pacifies her aggressive bawling down to light sniveling. She opens her yoghurt as she watches. She starts crying again. KELLY enters with a chic department store bag. Essentially, she is a walking Cosmo Magazine, complete with skirt, heels, and a trendy shirt. Very attractive. Linda regroups.

KELLY Oh my God, you will not believe what just happened to me on the set today. I don't even know how to put it into words.

Really. It's so, just, like, unbelievable, you know? I was sitting around waiting to shoot, and this guy walked up to me and was like, "do I know you?" And I'm like...

(Noticing the TV.) ...are you watching Sex in the City?

4.

LINDA Yeah.

KELLY You rented it?

LINDA Yeah. This is the forth season.

KELLY Oh, I know what season it is. I can't wait to watch this! Do you have any idea how much I love this show?! A LOT! Kelly watches diligently for a few seconds before returning to her story.

As the tale unfolds, Kelly mixes a cosmopolitan. Linda never listens to the story, lost in the television.

KELLY Oh, yeah. My story. So, anyway, this guy walks up to me and is like "Do I know you" and I'm like "Do I know you?"

Because, seriously, I didn't recognize him and he wasn't hot or anything...

Kelly retreats to the kitchen for ice.

KELLY (Off-stage.) ...but it turns out he saw me at one of my showcases and he was like, "I really think you'd be great for my new movie that I'm doing." It's one of those feel good girl movies, I think. Like Notting Hill.

Kelly re-enters.

KELLY You know? With the guy and the girl and he wants me to be the girl! Isn't that unbelievable?!

She notices her bag.

5.

KELLY (cont'd) (Crossing to the bag.)

I also got this really great shirt, and it wasn't on sale or anything, but it spoke to me. I had no choice. You don't just run into a shirt like this everyday, and it's the same day that I met the producer guy. It can't just be a coincidence.

It's God, or someone, telling me that I'm going places. Big places. And I think I saw Jessica Biel wearing this shirt in Cosmo. And it matches my skirt.

She falls into the chair, by no standard, lady-like. Kelly remains oblivious to Linda’s state of being, while Linda has yet to make eye-contact herself.

KELLY (cont'd) What a great day.

She notices the jelly beans.

KELLY (cont'd) Oh my God. This bowl was completely full when I left today.

Urrggh! Who ate my Goddamn jellybeans?! I always pay for them, and always end up eating the shitty ones! Yellows and blacks and...GOD! Why do I have to live with such fat whores?!

Linda breaks down. Kelly stares for a moment.

KELLY (cont'd) Sweetie, are you crying?

LINDA (Crying.)

No. KELLY (Insensitively blunt.)

You have mascara all over your face.

Linda starts crying heavily.

6.

KELLY (cont'd) (Obligated.)

Oh, honey come here.

Kelly holds Linda, offering comfort, while concerned with unsightly mascara stains. Linda cries heavily in Kelly’s lap. Kelly looks at the jelly beans.

KELLY (cont'd) Eat some of these. You'll feel better.

Linda takes a handful of jelly beans.

She eats them, crying through the chewing process. Kelly judges her, slightly, but maintains support. Linda calms down as Kelly pats her on the back.

KELLY (cont'd) (sweetly.)

What'd that asshole do to you?

LINDA He didn't do anything. It was me. All me.

KELLY Oh, he had to do something, Sweetie.

LINDA He really didn't.

KELLY Something.

LINDA (On the verge of breakdown.)

No. Kelly lifts Linda out of her lap.

7.

KELLY (Very serious.)

Okay, Linda. I can't help you, if you can't help yourself.

There is no way you're going to win back the power if you don't find something to blame him for. I'll try to steer you in the right direction, but this is one of those things a girl has to figure out for herself. It's part of being a woman. Now, what did he do?

LINDA Nothing.

KELLY Why are you making this so difficult?! It’s not. The possibilities are endless! Tell him that he’s immature, or closing himself off, or that he...I dunno...doesn’t call you enough or something. And these are right off the top of my head, Linda!

LINDA I cheated on him.

Kelly laughs. Stops.

KELLY (Shocked.)

Wow. When?

LINDA Two nights ago.

KELLY Wow. Good for you.

LINDA What?

KELLY You just found a guy and...wow. That is so unlike you. really impressed, Linda.

I'm

JESSICA enters, carrying an Express bag identical to Kelly’s.

8.

Jessica is well dressed, attractive, but ultimately, plain featured in reference to Kelly. She wears black framed glasses that sit on her slightly immoderate nose.

KELLY (cont'd) You have to tell me who it was?

JESSICA Who was what?

KELLY Our little roomie here shacked up with some guy two nights ago.

JESSICA Wow. With who?!

KELLY She hasn't said.

JESSICA I hate to ask what Tom thinks about all this?

LINDA He won't talk to me.

KELLY Men can be such ass-holes. That’s why I just don’t tell them.

Jessica crosses to the bar, mixing a cosmopolitan.

JESSICA I won’t to lie to you, Linda. You’re in a very precarious situation. Have you found a reason to blame him yet?

KELLY That's what I said!

LINDA No.

9.

A beat.

JESSICA I say, for now, don't worry about it. Tom is a reasonable guy. He'll calm down.

KELLY You should sleep with his best friend.

The two girls look at Kelly.

KELLY (cont'd) To make him talk to you.

JESSICA (Very serious.)

Linda, time often finds a way of fixing problems like these.

Just give him his space for a little bit. Let him milk the broken heart shit for as long as he needs the attention, and soon, he'll be ready to work things out. And if not. Well, then you should sleep with his best friend.

LINDA (sadly.)

Okay.

Silence.

KELLY (Sudden excitement.)

I have to tell you about my greatest day ever! And I really mean it this time, Jessica. The Greatest. Ever. I was on the set and this guy walks up to me and was like "Do I know you?" and I'm like "Do I know you?" and he's like...

JESSICA Hey, that's a nice bag you got there. Brilliant minds think alike, eh?

She shows Kelly her own bag.

KELLY Oh, you went there too! That's so funny!

10.

JESSICA Yeah. What'd you buy?

KELLY That's the climaxic part of my story. This guy saw my audition tape and wants me to be in his movie about a guy and a girl and guess who he wants me to be?

JESSICA The girl?

KELLY THE GIRL! JESSICA (masking her bitterness.)

That's great, Kelly. I'm speechless. Congrats.

KELLY And then I bought this amazing shirt!

JESSICA Oh yeah?

KELLY God spoke to me through it.

JESSICA Of course he did.

She pulls the shirt from the bag, holding it up to her body.

KELLY Whaddya think?

JESSICA It's nice.

KELLY Nice? Nice doesn't begin to describe it. It's divine. Yes. That's the word. Divine.

(MORE)

11.

KELLY (cont'd) Because God interventioned in my life, divinely, and said "Kelly, this shirt is so you!" I'm sure you probably think that's crazy, but it can't just be a random event. Not after what happened to me earlier today with the producer. This shirt is my own personal gift from God.

Jessica pulls the same shirt out of her bag. Kelly stops talking, stares at the shirt, still smiling.

JESSICA Brilliant minds.

KELLY (Trying of laugh off the pain.)

That's so funny. We bought the same shirt. Isn't that funny?

Jessica laughs with her. Pleasant hatred.

JESSICA Yeah, I guess so.

KELLY Yeah. Funny.

JESSICA Yeah.

KELLY Yeah. And you know what's going to make it funnier? When you take it back.

Kelly stops laughing before Jessica catches on. Kelly smiles.

JESSICA (Serious.)

Did you really mean that?

KELLY (Still smiling.)

Every word. Take it back.

12.

JESSICA Why? KELLY I walked in the house with it first. I claimed it. It's my shirt.

JESSICA That's stupid.

KELLY We're always in public together, Jessica. What are they going to think when they see us wearing the same shirt?

JESSICA That we both have exceptionally good taste?

KELLY Take back the shirt!

JESSICA No. KELLY Take it back!

LINDA What if I got the shirt, too? Then we could all three have it. Like a special roommate shirt. We’d match.

KELLY Did you hear that? Did you hear what Linda just said? Please, take back the shirt. I am begging now.

JESSICA But I really like this shirt.

KELLY (Quiet. Earnest.)

Okay. I'm out of options.

(MORE)

13.

KELLY (cont'd) We have known each other for a long time, roommates since college, and, as much as I hate to do this, if you don't take back that shirt, we're not friends anymore. Okay. Not friends. So, it's time to choose: me or the shirt.

JESSICA (Instant.)

The shirt.

KELLY (Folding her shirt.)

Okay, that really hurt my feelings.

JESSICA Oh my God. I think you've developed an unhealthy attachment to Express!

KELLY Oh, yeah?! Well, I think you developed an unhealthy attachment to my jelly beans, you fat whore!

JESSICA Oh, come on. That's not fair. Linda is fatter than I am!

Linda, depressed, lowers her head.

KELLY Take. Back. The shirt.

Jessica sighs.

JESSICA Fine. Whatever. This is immature and not worth the effort.

Take your fucking shirt, if you want it so damn bad. I'll be the bigger person, like always.

KELLY Don't you mean the fatter person?

JESSICA Yes, Kelly. I mean the fatter person.

14.

KELLY Okay.

(Pause. Complete 180.)

Are you sure you don't mind?

JESSICA Yeah. I'm sure.

KELLY You’re the best. Give me a hug.

Kelly hugs Jessica.

KELLY (cont'd) Lets not fight over stupid things like this ever again, Okay?

Kelly touches Linda's face, wipes the tear residue off her hands, subtle disgust.

KELLY (cont'd) Okay. I'm going to go take a shower. Then I'm going to hit the gym. Then I'm going take a shower again. Kisses!

Kelly kisses Jessica’s cheek followed by a quick raspberry, exits.

JESSICA (Slight Laughter.)

She is such a bitch.

Linda doesn't say anything.

JESSICA (cont'd) I called Kelly a bitch. Isn't that funny?

(No response.)

You're killing me, Linda.

Giving up, she sits back. She picks up the DVD case, and instantly, spots the TV.

15.

JESSICA Hey! This is the forth season! Did you buy this?!

LINDA Yeah. Well, rented it.

JESSICA So, it's ours. To watch. Whenever we want?!

LINDA Well, for the next week. Yes. JESSICA (Emotional.)

That's incredible. I mean, really. I think I'm going to cry.

She watches diligently for a few seconds. Linda, lost in trancelike depression, begins to snivel. Jessica grabs the remote, turning off the TV. JESSICA (General Patton-esque.)

Alright. That’s enough.

She stands.

JESSICA Linda, get your ass off that couch. Wipe off all that frickin’ mascara. Slip on a sexy outfit, and don't be afraid to borrow something from me or Kelly because the three of us are going out, getting filthy drunk, and staggering around aimlessly from bar to bar! Oh, yes! We're going to dance and laugh and flirt and drink free girly drinks until we have no choice, but to show our tits to every scratching crack head on Hollywood Boulevard! My God. It will be beautiful.

Alright, meet back here in an hour! Good luck, soldier.

(Slightly judging Linda’s appearance.)

You've some work to do before then.

She exits. Silence. Linda, sadly, grabs the phone. She dials.

16.

LINDA Hey, Tom. It's me again. Please call me back.

Black.

17.

ACT ONE - SCENE TWO The next morning.

Lights up on Jessica and Linda, both planted on the couch. Jessica, still in her pajamas, profoundly hung over, sits with her head laying back. Linda eats yoghurt, sniveling a little more with each bite. Jessica looks at Linda, raising her head, revealing the pair of sunglasses she’s opted to wear in the house. Frustrated, she lowers her head back again. After the third bite, Linda breaks down again. Jessica rubs her forehead, not raising her head.

JESSICA (Sitting up.)

Sweetie, maybe you shouldn't eat the yoghurt right now. It's making you feel bad, while also making me feel bad.

Linda places her head into her hands and sobs.

JESSICA What can I do? I want you to be happy, and to not sit around crying like you have been for this entire morning. What can I do? I'll do anything?

LINDA I don't know.

JESSICA That's not a good answer because your crying makes me feel like I should stick a sharp object into my brain, so that I can no longer feel anything. Okay, sweetie? So, lets do a little thinkin’ outside the box, and come up with a pleasant distraction for you.

Kelly runs into the room, throwing on a robe.

18.

KELLY There's a guy in my bed right now.

JESSICA Everyone but me seems to be getting action these days. Why is that?

KELLY There's a guy in my bed right now. Where did he come from?

JESSICA Maybe God sent him to you.

KELLY Please do not treat this like a joke. I am having a crisis right now.

Kelly rubs her forehead.

KELLY (cont'd) May I have some of that aspirin...

Linda tosses the aspirin. Kelly struggles with the child-proof cap.

KELLY (cont'd) Thank you. Okay. Let's all try to remember what happened last night, why I came home with this random guy, and most importantly, why you let me come home with this guy.

JESSICA (Smirking.)

You two looked like you were having a good time. I didn't want to spoil the fun.

LINDA I tried to stop you several times.

KELLY Urrgh! I knew I shouldn't have gone.

19.

JESSICA You're forgetting that we went bar hopping for Linda. If you were able to take ten seconds out of your busy schedule to think about someone else...

KELLY She was the driver.

LINDA I didn't mind.

JESSICA That's not the point, Kelly. Maybe you should stop and listen to me before making the conversation about you.

KELLY Why are these damn things always so hard to open?

Kelly throws the aspirin bottle.

KELLY (cont'd) Well, shit. I'm gonna go.

LINDA Where?

KELLY Audition. Tell whatever his name is that I had to leave because I had some emergency, and that I'm married or something.

Kelly exits, re-enters.

KELLY Clothes.

She runs back into her room.

LINDA I tried to tell her last night that this would happen. I did.

You heard me.

20.

JESSICA Sure did.

LINDA "You'll regret it in the morning" I said. "You always do."

She wouldn't listen to me.

JESSICA She's been that way since college. That's why I just don't say anything anymore. After a while, you learn to love seeing Kelly in these awkward circumstances. It's like your own real life “Sex and the City.”

Kelly runs back in, partially dressed, several items in hand. She falls over.

KELLY He's waking up! I gotta go! Make up something good! Tell him I have crabs!

JESSICA Why do we have to talk to him? I hate conversing with your random hook ups. It freaks me out!

KELLY PLEASE! I'M SO LATE! JESSICA This is the last time.

KELLY Yes. Last time. I promise. Thank you so much. I love you.

Kelly looks towards her room, panic.

KELLY Call my cell when he's gone.

LINDA Have a good...

Kelly runs out the door, slamming it.

21.

LINDA ...time.

JESSICA I did it again. I took it right up the ass.

Linda rubs her hands together, prepares for the dirty work.

JESSICA This part always sucks, but that's the price you pay for entertainment! Okay, here's what we'll do. We’ll break the news to him right when he walks out. Rip the band-aid right off, you know? Open the door. Say "Good-bye!" He's gone like that. Deal?

LINDA Yeah.

JESSICA It’s a plan.

A beat.

JESSICA Hey, I'm sorry we made you drive last night.

LINDA Oh, It's OK. JESSICA No, it isn't. It was a shitty, selfish thing to do, and I am really sorry.

LINDA I really didn't mind driving.

JESSICA You are too damn nice, you know that? If Tom doesn't give you another chance, his loss. I mean that.

LINDA Thanks.

22.

JESSICA I'd give you a hug right now, but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna throw up. Yup. She stands, walks to the trash can, stops, and heaves. The vomiting is very loud.

JESSICA It's funny how much your tolerance drops after college.

Heave.

JESSICA You're just not as cool anymore, you know?

Burp. Heave. TRAVIS MCELROY enters from the bedroom, fully clothed, wearing a superman T-shirt and jeans. He watches Jessica bring the vomiting to a big finish.

TRAVIS Hello.

JESSICA Hi. I'm throwing up.

TRAVIS Hi, Throwing up. Nice to meet you. I'm Travis McElroy.

He smiles. Linda laughs. He looks at Linda, laughing with her. He looks at Jessica.

TRAVIS (Pointing to Linda.)

She gets it.

Jessica throws up again. Travis crosses to her, looking down into trash can.

23.

TRAVIS Wow! That’s really gross!

LINDA Let me get that for you.

She crosses to Jessica, collecting the vomit filled trash bag. She turns to Travis, holding the vomit between them.

LINDA Hi, I'm Linda.

TRAVIS Hi, I'm Travis McElroy.

He shakes her hand.

LINDA Hi, I'm Linda.

He smiles. The hand shake continues.

TRAVIS Hi, I'm...

LINDA Travis McElroy. Got it.

Linda looks down at the bag of vomit, stops the handshake, exits into the kitchen. Jessica moves to the couch.

JESSICA Well, you're probably wondering where Kelly is. She says she's sorry, but she had to go, uh...

Travis sits next to Jessica.

TRAVIS I'm sorry. What's your real name?

24.

JESSICA Jessica.

TRAVIS Hi, Jessica. Very nice to meet you. I didn't really think your name was throwing up.

JESSICA Yeah, well, Kelly...

TRAVIS What do you do?

JESSICA Excuse me?

TRAVIS What do you do? With your life, I mean.

JESSICA I work at Nordstrom.

TRAVIS What’s that?

JESSICA (Awkward.)

Clothes. Selling clothes.

Linda re-enters.

TRAVIS Have you always had an interest in retail?

JESSICA For as long as can I remember.

LINDA Jessica is an actress.

TRAVIS Oh, really? Well, that means we have a lot in common.

25.

JESSICA You're an actor?

TRAVIS No. I'm a screenwriter. I act in here.

He points to his head.

TRAVIS In my imagination.

Travis pokes his skull more times than necessary. Silence.

JESSICA Okay. Well, that's...

(She trails off.)

Kelly had to leave. She has crabs. I'm sorry to break the bad news to you, but when those little bastards start gnawing away, you just gotta go...

TRAVIS Yikes. Well, do you know when she'll be back?

JESSICA Later.

TRAVIS (slightly disappointed.)

Oh. LINDA You're a screenwriter?

TRAVIS Sure am, and if I had to guess, I'd say you're an actress also.

LINDA No. I'm not. I work at dermatologists' office.

TRAVIS Well, that explains your pretty face.

26.

LINDA Thanks a lot.

TRAVIS No problem. Should I just wait here for Kelly?

LINDA You can wait if you want to.

JESSICA I wouldn't. If I were you, I'd go the emergency room. There's no telling what fun things you’ve contracted. Syphilis. The clap. It’s Lets Make a Deal down there.

No response.

JESSICA (Dry.) The game show. What’s behind door number one. Syphilis.

TRAVIS That sounds like an awful game.

(He catches on.)

Oh wait, you think we...

He points to the bedroom.

TRAVIS (cont'd) In there?

(Laughing.)

Noooooooooooooo.

JESSICA So, nothing happened between you two last night? At all?

TRAVIS (Nervous laughing.)

Well, a gentlemen never tells, but lets just say I'm not made of stone.

JESSICA So, something did happen?

27.

TRAVIS Just kidding. A gentleman never tells.

JESSICA (Aside to Linda.)

Is this guy serious?

LINDA (To Travis.)

So, what kind of stuff do you write?

TRAVIS Well, mostly I write for television. Science Fiction. Hey, I don't suppose I could maybe borrow some aspirin.

Jessica sighs and picks up the aspirin bottle.

JESSICA Here ya go, champ! Borrow all you want. Just make sure we get it back.

TRAVIS I don't think I can do that. Those cosmopolitans are something else. They make you all warm and tingly inside.

Sort of like Christmas. Except instead of getting presents, you're getting wasted. And you're not around family. You're around total strangers. Strangers that love you.

LINDA Do you make a lot of money as screenwriter?

(Catching herself.)

Not that it matters. That might've been a rude question. I'm sorry. I was just curious.

TRAVIS I've written a spec pilot for a television show that I'm hoping will get picked up soon. So, I’ll let you know once I find out.

LINDA What's it about?

28.

TRAVIS (Wide-eyed excitement.)

Do you really wanna know?

JESSICA It's eating us up inside.

TRAVIS Wow. Okay. Well, let me pitch it to you! That's what you do with an idea. Pitch it. Okay. Okay. Basically, it's about this single father and he's trying to raise his three daughters as a single parent. He's not alone though because his best friend and his brother-in-law are both living there too. So, it's like they all work together to help raise the girls. Together, you know. Giving them advice and stuff. And it all takes place on a giant space station during an intergalactic war between Earth and some undiscovered planet light years away.

Dramatic pause.

TRAVIS It's futuristic fantasy laced with good, wholesome family values.

LINDA That sounds nice.

TRAVIS You really think so?

LINDA Yeah.

TRAVIS Thanks! I also write new episodes for old shows!

JESSICA Old shows?

TRAVIS Yeah. Cancelled ones. I've got new episodes of L.A. Law, Seinfeld, Star Trek: The Original, of course.

(MORE)

29.

TRAVIS (cont'd) Different Strokes. Would you believe that I added two full seasons onto M*A*S*H? Well, you better believe it because I did! I even brought back Radar for the first season finale.

He died next season though. Aneurysm.

He looks at Jessica, who stares him down. Long silence.

JESSICA What do you really do?

TRAVIS I'm sorry?

JESSICA How do you live here?

TRAVIS In my spare time, I work at Toys R’ Us. I just transferred to the Los Feliz store! It's nothing fancy like a Nordstroms or anything. It just sells toys. But it has it's perks.

JESSICA What perks could Toys 'R' Us possibly have?

TRAVIS Employee discount. Duh. JESSICA How stupid of me.

Jessica crosses to the bar.

TRAVIS And It's fun, you know, being surrounded by...fun, I guess.

That's what we do, really! We sell fun! Everyone at one point in there life has loved a toy. Try and deny that- IF YOU CAN! And it’s nice because I get to be at the center of that love.

It’s my positive contribution to the world.

LINDA That's beautiful. It honestly makes me wanna work at a toy store.

30.

TRAVIS I think they're hiring.

JESSICA Linda, can I talk to you over there? By the trash can? Where I threw up?

LINDA Okay.

JESSICA Uh- you said your name was Travis?

TRAVIS Yeah, Travis McElroy.

JESSICA Right...well, Travis McElroy, I need a few moments with Linda.

She grabs Linda.

TRAVIS Oh, go right ahead. I'll just sit. Right here. On this couch.

He smiles. Warm.

JESSICA (Crossing to the trash can.)

Have a good time with that.

She pulls Linda along.

JESSICA Linda, you don't need to make small talk anymore. I have a headache, and this guy is kinda creepy.

LINDA He's so sweet though.

JESSICA Sure. He is sweet, and very congenial, so was Hannibal Lecter.

31.

Travis reaches for some Jellybeans.

JESSICA (to Travis) DO NOT touch those jelly beans!

TRAVIS Sorry.

LINDA Okay. I'll tell him to leave.

JESSICA Thanks.

LINDA Mr. McElroy, I think we're gonna...

TRAVIS Mr. McElroy? That's my Dad's name. Just call me Travis. Or if you’re one of the bold ones, Sir Lipsalot...

(He laughs, picking up “Sex and the City.”)

Sex and the City? Is this a pornography?

JESSICA Get him out of here!

LINDA Well, Travis, I think it's time for you to go.

TRAVIS Oh. Alright. Well, it was really nice meeting you both.

Disappointed, he crosses to the front door.

LINDA Well, would you like some breakfast, first?

JESSICA Oh, come on!

32.

TRAVIS Sure. That’s badass!

LINDA You want an omelette or something?

TRAVIS Do you have any waffles?

LINDA Oh, yeah! We have three different kinds, in fact! Buttermilk, blueberry, and something else...Jessica, what was the other one?

JESSICA I hate you.

LINDA Cinnamon, I think.

TRAVIS I'm feeling a bit buttermilky today, so how about buttermilk.

JESSICA Buttermilky?!

Jessica holds back vomit.

LINDA Okay, one sec.

Jessica crosses to the couch. She puts in "Sex and the City" and pouts.

TRAVIS Do you always watch pornography during breakfast?

JESSICA Um. Okay. This is Sex and the City. The best show on television. Probably ever. You should know this, Travis.

Especially, if you wanna be a writer?

33.

TRAVIS I am a writer.

JESSICA And you're doing a great job.

She goes back to watching TV. TRAVIS What kind of acting do you like to do?

JESSICA Well, as of late, I've found an interest in acting like someone isn't bugging the shit out of me while I'm trying to watch Sex and the City!

TRAVIS Is that a method?

JESSICA What?

TRAVIS Like, a method. You know, Marlon Brando. A method.

JESSICA I don't know what to say to that.

TRAVIS Marlon Brando was an actor.

JESSICA I know who Marlon Brando is.

TRAVIS Oh. Do you like movies?

JESSICA Yeah, who doesn't?

TRAVIS Have you ever been in a movie?

34.

JESSICA Yeah. Nothing big. Student films mostly.

TRAVIS That's badass!

JESSICA It's not that badass. I still work at Nordstrom.

TRAVIS Have you even considered that sometime in the next million years, one of those movies could be picked up by scientist or aliens or something. You'll be remembered.

JESSICA You haven't living in L.A. very long, have you?

TRAVIS I moved here three weeks ago.

JESSICA I hate new people.

TRAVIS What are you working on right now?

JESSICA I need you to stop talking to me.

TRAVIS Sure thing.

They watch “Sex and the City.” Travis laughs, loudly, high-pitched, irritating Jessica. Linda walks in.

LINDA Hey, whaddya want on your waffle?

TRAVIS Is sugar okay?

35.

LINDA I guess so.

She walks back out.

JESSICA You put sugar on your waffles?

TRAVIS Have you ever tried it?

JESSICA Yeah, when I was seven, but then I started living within the realm of common decency.

TRAVIS Oh, well, it's really good. You can try some of mine.

JESSICA No, thanks. I'm already having trouble. Sugar coated waffles are the last thing I need.

TRAVIS Trouble? With what?

JESSICA Oh, life in general.

TRAVIS Like, at Nordstroms?

JESSICA That's a big part of it.

TRAVIS What's the other part of it?

JESSICA Why do you ask so many questions?

TRAVIS Because I only get vague answers.

36.

Jessica laughs.

JESSICA Sorry. I don't really know you, and you just hooked up with my roommate. And I'll probably never see you again.

TRAVIS You'll see me again. Me and Kelly will be here all the time!

JESSICA You and Kelly?

TRAVIS Yeah!

JESSICA Good luck with that, Travis.

Linda enters carrying waffles.

LINDA Two buttermilk waffles with sugar!

She hands them to Travis.

TRAVIS Thanks. You'll have to come over to my apartment sometime. I have lots of waffles.

LINDA Yeah, sure.

JESSICA Woah! Hello there!

She lifts herself up.

LINDA What is it?

JESSICA Sitting on my cell phone. (into the phone.)

(MORE)

37.

JESSICA (cont'd) Hello? Oh, well hello there, you? What are you doing? Well, that sounds like fun. Me? Oh, well, me and Linda are sitting here, chatting with our new friend, Travis McElroy. Does that name ring a bell? Well, I guess it wouldn't. You wanna come over and meet him? OK. OK. That’s great. Bye.

Jessica hangs up the phone.

LINDA Who was that?

JESSICA Kelly.

TRAVIS What'd she say?! How are her crabs?

JESSICA Oh, they're just fine. She was calling to let me know that she won't be home until later tonight because she just got a call from her new producer friend, and they're going to have a business dinner.

TRAVIS Well, that's great for her. I know how excited she was about meeting that guy, and God giving her that shirt and stuff.

She told me that story six times last night.

JESSICA Everything falls into her lap. It’s amazing. Best auditions, best meetings. It took me a year and half of extra work to get one union voucher. She does one crappy horror flick, and they buy her in. It’s like bizarro world out here.

TRAVIS Like Superman!

JESSICA (Confused.)

Uh, yeah. I guess.

(Moving on.)

I just really feel like I deserve to work.

(MORE)

38.

JESSICA (cont'd) I’ve done theatre since I was five, twenty years of acting, and I’m still not getting any good parts, and I just hate how she always...

(Flustered silence.)

Good for her.

Jessica grabs a handful of jelly beans.

Silence.

TRAVIS (Genuine.)

There are lots of parts you could play in my movies. You don’t even have to audition.

A beat.

JESSICA Travis, you seem like a nice guy. Honestly. But you're the kind of guy who gets eaten alive here, so I hope you're more prepared than I was because it blows, man.

Jessica stands.

JESSICA I've gotta go do something productive. Work out or something.

It was nice meeting you. I didn't mean to come off as a bitch, but...well, maybe I'll see you around someday.

TRAVIS You will. I'll be back here to see Kelly.

JESSICA Oh, right. Kelly. I forgot.

She exits. Black.

39.

ACT ONE - SCENE THREE Lights up.

Kelly and PATRICK, seated outside an upscale Beverly Hills Cafe, look through their menus.

Kelly is wearing an extremely low cut dress. Patrick, designer jeans, a sports coat, and a Red Sox hat. He stares at her chest over the menu. She looks up.

KELLY This is such a nice restaurant.

PATRICK God, you have great teeth.

KELLY Really? Thank you.

PATRICK Do you know what the first thing I look for in a girl is? The most important thing?

KELLY Teeth?

She smiles, showing her perfect teeth.

PATRICK Close. Her pussy.

He laughs.

PATRICK Just kidding. There’s a certain feature in every always consider first. Not for the random fucks, for the real women. The ones that make you feel, The ones you could settle down with for marriage (MORE)

woman that I I mean, but you know? or whatever.

40.

PATRICK (cont'd) They have to live up to a certain standard. It isn’t a high and mighty thing.

KELLY Not at all.

PATRICK It’s just the truth. Why shouldn’t I get what I want out of life. I have a lot to offer.

He looks over his shoulder at the waitress, turns back.

PATRICK I’m so fucking hungry! The Vegas Roll here is phenomenal, but the God damn service is just wretched. It’s like we’re in North Korea or one of those other shit holes.

(To the waitress. Very rude.)

Can you take our order, please? Thank you.

The waitress walks up.

WAITRESS Hi, my name is Crystal. I’ll be your server.

PATRICK Well, Krista, I would like to order now.

WAITRESS Crystal.

PATRICK Ok, I’m so hungry that I honestly don’t care what your name is? In fact, lets not talk about it. If you let me call you Krista, I will overlook this afternoon’s slow service. I’m happy. You’re happy.

WAITRESS So, I’ll get a bigger tip?

Silence.

41.

PATRICK (Enjoying the banter.)

You bet your ass you’ll get a bigger tip. I’m going to go out on a limb here. You’re an actress, aren’t you?

WAITRESS Yeah. I’m a dancer also.

PATRICK (Smiling.)

No way. A dancer also? I can’t believe it! That’s fucking perfect. Listen, I’m casting a feature with this new hot director, just won the Jury Prize as Sundance. Jesus Christ is chomping at the bit to work with this guy, okay? The thing is, they want an unknown in the lead. An actress, who’s a dancer also.

WAITRESS Really?

PATRICK Really.

Kelly remains polite, but jealous.

PATRICK Can I be honest with you?

WAITRESS Yeah.

PATRICK I really think you’d nail this role. Right out of the park. I don’t suppose you’d be open to quick audition?

WAITRESS (Nervous excitement.)

Sure? Absolutely. Let me see, uh, I don’t work tomorrow or the next day, so I’m totally free then, or whenever. What’s a convenient time for you?

PATRICK How about right now?

42.

WAITRESS Excuse me.

PATRICK (Excited.)

Yeah. The whole movie takes place in a restaurant, so this is the perfect moment for your big audition.

Patrick picks up his water glass, takes a quick sip with out slowing his momentum.

PATRICK All I need you to do is act like a waitress, while you take our order. Then you can dance back to the kitchen and tell Dishwasher Pedro that these glasses are muy insanitario. I would like a glass of scotch, and the lady here would like a cosmopolitan. I would also like a Vegas roll, a spicy tuna roll, Cali roll, are you going to write this down because I really don’t think you’re going to remember it all, a Philly roll...

The Waitress, shocked, shaken, begins writing down Patrick’s order.

PATRICK Sweet shrimp, two miso soups, some edamame, and since your service is so damn slow, I’m also going give you the heads up on desert. I want that big chocolate mound thing with ice cream...

WAITRESS The Choco Rocko.

PATRICK Thank you.

WAITRESS (Small.)

I’ll have that right out for you.

The waitress walks off.

43.

PATRICK (Calling after.)

Don’t you stop dreaming, Krista.

(To Kelly.)

Never stop dreaming.

Pause.

KELLY Thank you for ordering for me. Most men don’t do that nowadays.

PATRICK Do you wanna hear what I look for in woman or not?

KELLY I’m sorry?

PATRICK What I was talking about before. The most important thing to look for when choosing the woman you plan to settle down with.

KELLY Oh yeah!

PATRICK Well, it’s something my grandfather taught me when I was like six years old. About how he met my grandma, why he decided to marry her and not some other skank. He said to me, “Patrick, when choosing a woman to spend the rest of your life with, the woman you’re going to wake up next to every single day after going to bed with her every single night for the rest of your life; there is only one thing you must consider.

A beat.

PATRICK The legs.

KELLY Your Grandfather said that to you?

44.

PATRICK The best advice, to date, that I’ve ever received. Think about it. When a woman gets older, the face goes, it wrinkles up, gets flaky. They get flabby behind the arms. The stomach goes. The ass gets that cottage cheese shit behind it.

Gravity works it’s way from top to bottom. You can try to fight it off with diet, exercise, surgery; doesn’t matter. It will pull you down to the grave kicking and screaming. The hair. The smell. You ever smelled an old lady? Terrible stuff. The conversation dwindles, turns into nagging, hearing the same voice constantly bitch at you about the electric bill. That isn’t going to keep you around forever. Can’t let good sex make a decision for you ‘cause it’s gonna go too, and it’s not gonna come back. And if it does, it won’t be as good as it used to be, mainly, due to the aforementioned issues. Only one thing matters.

Patrick, solemn, sips his water.

PATRICK The legs.

(Slow and serious.)

That’s what you look for. Because that’s the last thing that goes. After that, you’re nothing. Just old. I hope I never see that day.

Pause.

PATRICK (Yelling.)

CAN I GET MY FUCKING SCOTCH, PLEASE?!

Black.

45.

ACT ONE - SCENE FOUR The lights come up on the trendy apartment. Linda and Jessica are both watching “Sex and the City.” It’s a very intense dramatic moment that has engulfed the attention of it’s two viewers. After a few seconds, Jessica turns it off.

JESSICA I need a cigarette.

LINDA Aidan was a nice guy. I really liked him so much. I would’ve married him.

JESSICA You can’t fault Carrie. Look at her! She’s a beautiful, successful women living the coolest life ever. She can’t get married. Not now. He should’ve sucked it up waited.

LINDA Yeah, I’m just saying. If I were in her shoes.

JESSICA Girls like you and I, we can never fully understand the essence of Carrie. She’s too profound. We would have married Aidan, but we are not interesting people. We can’t afford her shoes.

LINDA I think you’re interesting.

JESSICA I sell clothes. That’s not interesting. Anyone can sell clothes. Carrie can do anything. I wish her life was my life.

A depressing silence.

LINDA I think I need to call Tom again.

46.

Linda reaches for the phone.

JESSICA HOLD IT! Lets not go crazy here. You’ve been doing so well. I don’t think I even caught you crying once within the last twenty-four hours.

Jessica shoves the jellybeans into Linda’s face.

JESSICA (cont'd) Do you need to eat some of these?

Kelly walks enters through the front door in workout attire, catching Jessica red handed with the bowl.

JESSICA Oh! Hey, stranger! Where have you been for the last week?

KELLY I’ve been here.

JESSICA No, you haven’t. And I know this for a fact because I have no social life.

KELLY Well, I’ve been going out with Patrick a lot.

JESSICA Who’s Patrick?

KELLY Oh, that’s the producer guy I met. He’s been taking me around, introducing me to people.

JESSICA Oh. KELLY Yeah. I got new head-shots.

47.

Kelly hands an envelope to Linda.

LINDA Wow. You look great.

JESSICA Those are really good.

KELLY Yeah, Patrick knew a guy. A genius really. Works wonders with a camera.

JESSICA How much?

KELLY Patrick had some special arrangement with him, so I dunno...

JESSICA So, they were free?

KELLY Yeah.

A beat.

JESSICA You’re sleeping with him, aren’t you?

Kelly groans.

KELLY I knew you would think that. You are so jealous. I can tell, I mean, it’s so obvious. Why can’t you just be my friend, you know? Be happy for me? Patrick is a nice guy who thinks I have potential. That I could go places.

JESSICA (Laughing.)

Yeah, down his pants.

48.

KELLY You don’t even know him. He’s helping me because he wants me to succeed. That’s what friends do. They help each other.

They don’t sit around predicting failure. I am sorry that your career flopped out here, and that you’re having to work at Nordstrom, but that is not my fault. You don’t go out, you don’t audition, you don’t meet people...

JESSICA Okay, I was kidding around, but I’m glad to know what you really think. You get one shitty movie and all of sudden you’re God-damn Uta Hagen. You’re one of the laziest people I know, and you only work because you’re good looking. Because of the little nose job that Mommy and Daddy paid for.

KELLY I paid for half of the nose job. The other half was my graduation present. And I am not lazy! I go to the gym three times a week. I do pilates AND yoga! I don’t drink coffee or smoke cigarettes. I love soda. Did you know that about? I love it. So much.

(Emotional.)

I used to drink Dr Peppers all the time, and ice cream, and taco bell; but now, I pass with out question because it’s worth it. To me. So, yeah, maybe my looks are what have gotten me where I am, but I still earned it. Every damn callback. I earned. And when I get to wear a million dollar outfit for my Emmy, or Oscar, or whatever I get...I’ll have earned that too. So, don’t tell me I’m lazy. You act like you deserve to be in this industry more than I do, but I’ve given my whole life over to it. Think about that, okay?

Silence.

KELLY Great! Now, I have to re-cleanse.

Kelly moves towards the front door. She opens the door. Travis McElroy is standing there.

TRAVIS Hey, Kelly! It’s me! Travis McElroy!

49.

She slams the door in his face.

KELLY Oh my God, what is he doing here? I’ve been ignoring his calls all week. Didn’t anyone explain to him that I’m not interested? Or at least lie to him?

JESSICA Whoops.

LINDA Maybe you should talk to him. He’s a really nice guy.

KELLY Do you think he knows I’m here?

LINDA You opened the door.

KELLY Shit. How do I get out of this?

JESSICA I’m not gonna make that poor guy stand out there.

KELLY What? NO! Don’t open the door!

Jessica opens the door. Kelly hides.

JESSICA Hey, Travis. What’s happening?

TRAVIS Hey, Jessica! I got you something.

He hands her a book.

TRAVIS It’s a book.

50.

JESSICA Oh, is that what this thing is?

(Reading the book.)

An Actor Prepares.

TRAVIS It’s a method. For acting. Like Marlon Brando. A method book.

JESSICA I know what it is.

TRAVIS We talked about it last time, so I thought you might like it.

You can take it back if you want. There were lots of different ones, but this guy had the hardest name to pronounce, so it seemed like the best choice.

JESSICA I’ll keep it. Thanks.

TRAVIS Oh, good. STELLA! STELLA! You remember when Marlon Brando did that? That was so good. Maybe there’s something in the book about how to do that.

JESSICA I dunno. It’s been a while since I’ve read it.

TRAVIS Is Kelly here?

Yes.

JESSICA She’s hiding from you.

KELLY

Traitor bitch.

TRAVIS Hey, Kelly! I hope I’m not intruding.

LINDA You’re not intruding at all.

51.

TRAVIS Hey! Didn’t see ya over there! Hi! LINDA Hi. KELLY Hi, Travis. Ummm. Before this goes any further...

He pulls out a single red rose.

TRAVIS I got you this. I didn’t have the opportunity to thank you for the wonderful evening, so this is the thanks. It’s got thorns on it.

He raises his finger, which has a large bandage awkwardly wrapped around it.

KELLY Yeah. About that. I think it’s fair to tell you...

Kelly’s cell phone goes off.

KELLY One sec.

(Into phone.)

Hey, Patrick! Oh, sure. Yes, now is a great time! Yeah. No problem. I would love to! Okay! I’m on my way!

She hangs up.

KELLY Patrick just got me an audition for a short film with James VanderBeek!

TRAVIS Right now? That’s awesome.

KELLY I gotta go right now. Wish me luck.

52.

TRAVIS Good luck. I’ll stop by later tonight. Maybe we can watch a movie or something?

KELLY I can’t.

TRAVIS Tomorrow night?

KELLY I’m busy.

She hands Travis the rose before crossing to the door.

JESSICA (Sincere.)

Hey. Break a leg.

KELLY Thanks.

TRAVIS THURSDAY NIGHT?!

She almost responds, but doesn’t. She exits.

TRAVIS Geez, she’s busy. I didn’t even really get to talk with her.

I guess that’s what happens when you date an actress.

JESSICA Maybe Kelly isn’t your type.

TRAVIS Oh, she is. I don’t wanna jump the gun because I’m trying to play it cool, but I think she might be the one. I’m not the romantic type or anything, but...

LINDA I thought the rose was very romantic.

53.

TRAVIS Oh, thanks. It was nothing, really. I don’t usually buy into the whole love at first sight thing, but every time I look at Kelly, I feel this intense burning inside of me. It’s unreal.

Like something out of the movies. I don’t know what it is about her.

LINDA She’s very attractive.

TRAVIS I know she’s attractive, but that’s not it. There’s something else. I can’t put my finger on it exactly, but then again, I’m not sure I want to. Why analyze it? It’s the best feeling I’ve ever felt, and I’m just gonna savor it. I know we’ll be together. I’m, absolutely, one hundred percent positive.

Black.

54.

ACT ONE - SCENE FIVE A callback. Kelly walks onto the stage with four other girls. The director is seated somewhere either in the house or in the very front of the stage. He is very professional. Patrick is seated next to him.

DIRECTOR Thank you, ladies, for joining us. I know we’ve called you back a lot, but I promise this is the final step of the audition. You all seem so qualified for the role. It’s really a shame we can only pick two. The parts won’t require much memorizing...

Everyone laughs.

DIRECTOR Seriously, though, I promise it will be handled very professionally, and stay within the area of good taste.

(Moving on.)

Something to consider. The threesome scene is a crucial event in the overall plot. I’d go as far as to call it a major turning point. It’s going to lead us into the climax where Gina breaks it off with Grant because he’s a cheater. That’s some serious supporting role action, ladies. Especially, for having no lines.

PATRICK And Grant, of course, will be played by the always brilliant James VanderBeek. Cha-ching. Money in the bank, ladies.

DIRECTOR (To the girls.)

Yeah, well, if our additional funding comes through. But, I’m feeling pretty good about our chances.

(Moving on. Uncomfortable.)

Anyway, since this will require pretty graphic nudity, we just need to, ummm, before we do any more readings, at this point, we need to see you...

55.

PATRICK (To the girls.)

It’s his first nude scene, so he’s shy. We need to see your breasts, and we need to see you asses. We want clean. We want toned. We want sexy. This threesome scene needs to average no less than one million yank-off’s per hour on MrSkin.com.

(To the Director.)

You may continue.

DIRECTOR Thank you.

(To the girls.)

Yeah, so. We need you, ladies, naked together, in rotating pairs, to see who we like the best. Is that okay?

PATRICK (To the director.)

Of course, it’s okay. These ladies are professional actors.

(To the girls.)

And they will be paid as such. Cha-ching. So, if you could, please, strip down, and move into pairs.

They do so.

Silence.

DIRECTOR Wow. PATRICK You all look amazing.

The girls smile, improv “thanks,” “thank you.”

PATRICK I fuckin’ love Hollywood.

Black.

56.

ACT ONE - SCENE SIX The trendy apartment.

Linda eats a handful of jelly beans while watching “Sex and the City.” She looks at the phone. She picks it up.

She dials. There is a knock at the door, startling her into a hang up. She crosses to the door and opens, revealing Travis McElroy.

TRAVIS Hi! LINDA Hi. Come on in.

TRAVIS (Entering.)

Thanks. Is Kelly here?

LINDA No. I’m sorry.

TRAVIS We’ll she be here soon?

LINDA I don’t know.

TRAVIS We were supposed to watch a movie tonight.

LINDA Maybe she just forgot.

TRAVIS Yeah. She probably did. I’m sure she has a lot on her plate, right now. The actor’s life. I just wish I could sit and talk to her for a little bit. I didn’t even care about the movie.

I was just using that to get her to spend some time with me.

Even if we didn’t talk.

(MORE)

57.

TRAVIS (cont'd) If we just watched the movie like planned, that’d be fine, too. I’ll take what I can get at this point. Do you like movies?

LINDA Sure.

TRAVIS What kind of movies?

LINDA Oh, well, I really don’t want too. It’s embarrassing.

TRAVIS Come on. Tell me.

LINDA I like Disney movies.

Travis laughs.

LINDA (cont'd) Jessica makes fun of me all the time for it. She tells me I’m too old, and that Walt Disney turned in his writers as communist during the blacklist era, and that he’s child molester fascist, but I don’t care. They’re my favorite.

They’re happy, and fun, and colorful, and there’s great songs and fairies and things. I really love that about them.

Please, don’t laugh at me.

TRAVIS I’m not laughing. I love Disney movies. They’ve been hit and miss as of late, but you gotta give ‘em the earlier ones. One hundred and One Dalmations, Peter Pan. LINDA I always liked The Little Mermaid.

TRAVIS I saw that like four times in the theaters. Aladdin? Ummm...

58.

LINDA The Lion King?

TRAVIS The Lion King! Yeah! OH! Beauty and the Beast!

Pause.

TRAVIS That was always my favorite.

Linda grabs a handful of jellybeans.

Travis glances at her.

TRAVIS We could watch a movie, if you want. I brought Jaws.

LINDA I better not. It too scary.

TRAVIS Oh. OK. Well, I also brought all of the Superman movies.

LINDA I like Superman.

TRAVIS You do?

LINDA Yeah. He’s...super.

TRAVIS He sure is. So, you wanna watch it with me?

LINDA Yeah. Okay.

TRAVIS Okay! Well, let me go get it out of my car. I’ll be back faster than a speeding bullet! Like Superman! Actually, it’s gonna take me a little bit because I had to park really far away. WOOSH!

59.

He flies out of the apartment in a Superman fashion. Linda laughs. She looks at the phone. She picks it up.

She dials.

LINDA Hi, Tom. It’s me, Linda. Again. I just wanted to tell you that I’m not gonna call you anymore.

The title song from “Beauty and the Beast” begins playing here, and continues through the scene transition.

LINDA I want to work things out, and I want you to forgive me, but that can’t happen if you won’t talk to me. So, this is the last one. I love you so much, and I never meant to hurt you.

Honest. I’ll understand if I don’t hear from you again, and if that is the case; I hope you find someone that makes you very happy. Like you made me happy. Goodbye, Tom. Black.

End of Act One.

60.

ACT TWO - SCENE ONE

The lights come up on Nathanadus' Lair, also known as Joey's Uncle’s basement in Hancock Park. ROMULUS, VANKOR, and NATHANADUS stand around a table topped with candles, note-pads, books, and snacks.

VANKOR This is bull crap and you know it! How come every time I play with you guys, you always make me fight a freakin' Red dragon?! That is so stupid. You know that it’s immune to my flaming hands. My powers are useless.

ROMULUS It’s your own fault. We told you at the beginning. This campaign involved fighting red dragons. We told you that.

You’re the stupid one. Why would anyone pick flaming hands and the fireballs? They’re like the same thing! You’ve built your whole arsenal around fire.

VANKOR YOU BETTER SHUT YOUR FREAKIN’ MOUTH! ROMULUS Don’t get mad at me. You’d never get anywhere with out me and my ancestral blade.

VANKOR Ooh. Ancestral blade. Wow! You’re a freakin’ samuri, alright?! Of course, you have a blade. You’re nothing special. With my powers I can take over your mind and make you do whatever I want.

ROMULUS We’re in the same campaign. You can’t do anything to me.

(To Nathanadus.)

Isn’t that right?

They wait for Nathanadus' ruling.

61.

NATHANADUS (A terrible lisp.)

That is correct. Game rules.

VANKOR Whatever, Joey. Maybe you should quit putting us up against red dragons! That’s the problem.

(To Romulus.)

He’s on some sorta power trip ‘cause, all of sudden, he’s got this neat hat and cape and...whoah! He's so important! Geez!

NATHANADUS DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I AM THE DUNGEON MASTER! OKAY?! DO NOT CALL ME JOEY, I AM NATHANADUS! Pause.

NATHANADUS And if you don’t like the way I play, or if you have a problem with my new cape, you can leave, okay? Seriously.

Because there are plenty of other half-lings we can find to fill your place. They’re not hard to come by.

Silence.

VANKOR Whatever. Lets fight the freakin’ dragon, alright?

NATHANADUS Okay. Vankor prepares to attack the Red Dragon. Your fire spells won’t work.

VANKOR I know that. Thank you for telling me again though. Instead, I will use the LIGHTNING BOLT! HAH! Vankor rolls.

VANKOR TWENTY-THREE! Nathanadus consults his note-pad, discreet.

62.

NATHANADUS No effect.

VANKOR Are you serious?!! What’s his level?!

NATHANADUS You can not know. For you do not possess the note-pad.

VANKOR This is ridiculous.

NATHANADUS Now, it’s the dragon’s turn, and he is going to shoot fire at you. What is your save reflex?

VANKOR Ten. NATHANADUS He’s got eleven.

Vankor, frustrated, walks away from the table.

NATHANADUS So he does...

Nathanadus rolls a bunch of D6’s.

NATHANADUS Forty-two points of damage VANKOR Well, I hope you’re all happy. I’m negative three and OUT OF FREAKIN’ HEALING POTIONS! Vankor looks down at the table.

VANKOR Romulus, I believe the classy thing to do would be to give me one of yours.

63.

NATHANADUS It doesn’t matter. You can’t drink it. You’re out cold. The dragon has mortally wounded the Rogue Vankor and now, we must wait for the cleric to come with his healing powers.

VANKOR Whatever. This is so stupid.

CODY enters the room wearing a high school letter jacket.

CODY (To Nathanadus.)

Hurry the fuck up! It’s been fifteen minutes!

NATHANADUS The game is almost over!

CODY My Dad say you have to drive me places.

NATHANADUS I don’t have to do anything because I am a grown up and this is America.

CODY You’re gonna make me late to football practice.

VANKOR Who cares?! I'm about to get killed by a red dragon and I'm a level nine!

(Holding back tears.)

If I die, it's gonna take forever to create a new character.

CODY Aren’t you like twenty-two years old?

VANKOR YOU BETTER SHUT YOUR FREAKIN' MOUTH!!

CODY Man, you are so gay.

64.

Cody heads to the door.

NATHANADUS (to the others.)

Just because I live in my Uncle’s basement in Hancock Park, doesn’t mean they get to make me their slave, you know? I pay rent.

Travis enters. Cody stops.

TRAVIS Hey, Cody. How’s it going?

CODY You’re a loser.

TRAVIS (Unaffected.)

Alright! See you later!

Cody exits.

NATHANADUS Ah, the cleric has arrived, just in time.

ROMULUS Hey, Travis.

TRAVIS Hey, Mikey. How’s that spec script?

ROMULUS It’s coming along. I’ve got a meeting with Creative Artists this week.

TRAVIS That’s awesome! Congratulations!

ROMULUS Thanks, buddy. It could be nothing, but you never know. We finished another draft last night. I would love for your to read it if you get a chance.

65.

TRAVIS That’s badass. E-mail it to me. I’ll totally read it.

NATHANADUS Please, let us stay in-character while in the lair of Nathanadus.

ROMULUS Oh, sorry.

VANKOR You’re late.

TRAVIS Sorry.

VANKOR Have you forgotten that you’re only one with healing powers?

With out you, we’re screwed. You’ve messed everything up! I am so mad at you.

TRAVIS I’m really sorry, guys. I was with a friend.

Everyone freezes.

ROMULUS (Slightly hurt.)

You have other friends?

TRAVIS Yeah. In fact, I was wondering if we you might have room for another player.

VANKOR The game is almost over.

NATHANADUS (Ominous.)

McElroy The Terrible, you know that we’re always open to new heroes. But they must be warned. It is no simple task facing the unthinkable terrors that lie ahead.

(MORE)

66.

NATHANADUS (cont'd) Evil is about, but there is always a place for one who seeks the treasures that come with victory. It is a long and treacherous road through the dungeons of our imagination.

TRAVIS It sure is. So, can she play?

NATHANADUS The problem is...she'll have to make a new level nine character. She won't know what weapons or skills to pick, and I'll have to help her through all of that while you guys just sit and watch...

Pause.

NATHANADUS Wait. She? It’s a girl?

TRAVIS Yes. VANKOR You brought a freakin’ girl to Nathanadus’ Lair.

TRAVIS Yeah.

ROMULUS Wow. TRAVIS Is that bad?

NATHANADUS Well, it’s just...I mean, I’ve never...uh...I’m not sure.

ROMULUS LET HER IN! NATHANADUS I dunno.

67.

ROMULUS LET HER IN! ROMULUS JOEY, I REALLY NEED THIS, OKAY! IT’S SO HARD TO MEET GIRLS IN HOLLYWOOD, SO JUST LET HER IN! LET HER IN!

NATHANADUS Well, I just, my room is messy, and...I just wasn’t prepared.

Ok! Alright!

Alright! ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! ALIGHT! Silence.

NATHANADUS

Bring her in.

TRAVIS Awesome.

Travis exits.

ROMULUS Are you gonna make a character for her?

NATHANADUS I was thinking that I'd just use one of the NPC's I was gonna bring into the game. She can be...

He sifts through several character sheets.

NATHANADUS The monk!

VANKOR But how is she going to fit into the story? It has to make sense. She can't just appear. There has to be a logical reason for her to come into the story, remember? Game rules.

NATHANADUS We’ll make a door.

68.

ROMULUS Yes, a door.

VANKOR A freakin’ door.

Pause.

VANKOR She’s probably a dog. I’m serious. Think about it. Any girl that would come play D&D with McElroy the Terrible, I mean, she’s probably not a super model or anything.

Linda and Travis enter together. The others freeze.

TRAVIS Hey guys, this is Linda.

LINDA Hey. A "deer in headlight" response from the three nerds.

LINDA I’m Linda.

NATHANADUS Oh, yes. Well. Uh...

(In character.)

Welcome to Nathanadus’ lair. I am Nathanadus. I am the dungeon master.

LINDA Oh, that’s so cute.

NATHANADUS Um, yes. Perhaps, you would like some refreshments before we move forth on our magical adventure of the mind. Cheetos, perhaps?

69.

LINDA I love Cheetos.

Travis and Linda move into the table.

ROMULUS My name is Romulus.

NATHANADUS (Tapping his finger-tips together.)

Me must first give you a name. We shall call you...

Pause.

NATHANADUS Nefariel.

ROMULUS That’s a very pretty name.

LINDA Thanks.

ROMULUS My name is Romulus.

NATHANADUS Okay, so you guys escaped the dragon. I assume you wanted to do that anyway. Romulus dragged you away and then McElroy the Terrible healed you. Now, you're in the same room as before, but a new door has appeared.

Nathanadus plays mood music on his boom box.

NATHANADUS What do you do?

TRAVIS Open it.

70.

NATHANADUS Behind the door, we find Nafariel the Monk, who has been trapped in this dungeon by a vicious monster. You must speak to her.

TRAVIS (To Linda.)

Now, when I talk to you. I’m not really Travis, Okay? I mean, I am Travis, but not really.

He clears his throat.

TRAVIS (Assuming a new voice) (voice.)

Hello, what is your name maid?

(Dropping the character.)

You have to talk here.

LINDA Oh, Linda.

TRAVIS Nefariel the Monk.

LINDA Oh. TRAVIS (In character.)

Nefariel, you are in grave danger. Come with us. Your pretty face will give us great pleasure on our arduous journey.

LINDA (In character.)

Alright.

TRAVIS Okay.

LINDA (Amused.)

I will.

71.

NATHANADUS THEN IT SHALL BE SO! Nefariel the Monk will join us on our quest as we have found her behind the magical door!

VANKOR She probably doesn’t have stunning fists or anything!

NATHANADUS Now, we enter the next room. The door is locked and may only be opened by true loves first kiss.

VANKOR That is the gayest thing I have ever heard.

Nathanadus moves towards Linda, shoving past all obstacles, including Vankor as he speaks.

NATHANADUS (Struggling.)

Nefariel must choose her true love and, with a single kiss, we may find our way into the next room of mystery. Choose wisely.

Romulus raises his hand.

ROMULUS Pick me! ME! LINDA I dunno.

NATHANADUS YOU MUST! Or...

(Searching.)

We’ll all be...swallowed by the green...death that trails behind us!

Romulus shoves past Vankor.

ROMULUS YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!

72.

Linda kisses Travis as the music on the boom box swells. Nathanadus, sadly, retreats.

ROMULUS CHOOSE AGAIN! NATHANADUS (Defeated.)

The door opens.

Vankor slaps the boom box causing the music to shut off.

VANKOR What happened to you guys?! You used rules, our way of freakin’ life, and this game that gave us so much for a even gonna make out with us, or show anything! THIS IS MADNESS!

to be dedicated to the now, you’re compromising freakin’ girl that isn’t us her boobs or

Nathanadus, furious over the boom box, scowls at Vankor.

NATHANADUS Behind the door, we find a level fifteen Red Dragon!

VANKOR THIS IS B.S.!! I HATE THIS FREAKIN’ GAME AND I HATE ALL OF YOU! Cody enters.

CODY HURRY UP! VANKOR HE’LL BE OUT IN A FREAKIN’ MINUTE! GEEZ! Black.

73.

ACT TWO - SCENE TWO The trendy apartment.

Jessica walks in through the front door. She is dressed up, having come from an audition. She tosses her purse to the side and kicks off her shoes.

She migrates to the couch and turns on “Sex and the City.”

JESSICA Well, Carrie. It looks like it’s just you and me. What fun and interesting things will you do this episode? I can’t wait. Your life is so great. Oh, you wanna know what I’m doing? With my life? Oh, well...I just waited like three hours in line to audition, and I didn’t even get to read.

Because I’m too fat and ugly. And you know what, had I been cast in the role, I would’ve played a women who sells clothes. That’s it. The only pertinent quality of the character is that she sells clothes. Isn’t that funny, Carrie? Shit.

Linda and Travis walk in through the front door.

LINDA Hey! How’d the audition go?!

JESSICA I’m too fat and ugly to sell clothes.

TRAVIS But do you do sell clothes.

JESSICA Irony is a bitch. I didn’t really have a chance in the first place, so I guess it’s not that big of a deal.

TRAVIS You always have a chance.

74.

JESSICA Of course I do! We all have a chance for something to do anything at any point at any time, sure.

TRAVIS You must feel like you have some chance. Otherwise, why would you even go out?

JESSICA Because I have no choice. I have nothing else. I have Nordstrom.

TRAVIS If you keep trying, eventually, it’s going to work out for you.

JESSICA Let me explain something to you.

(She picks up the bowl of jellybeans.)

You see these jellybeans?

TRAVIS Yes. They look delicious.

JESSICA Shut up and let me make my point. How many would you guess are in here?

LINDA Oh! I love doing this! Ummm...two hundred and fifty.

TRAVIS Three hundred and fifty!

LINDA It can’t be that many.

TRAVIS I dunno. Look at it! That’s a big bowl!

LINDA How about three hundred twelve?!

75.

TRAVIS Three hundred thirteen!

JESSICA Stop guessing! I don’t know how many there are! I was just...

(Regrouping.)

I’m trying to explain something and these jellybeans are serving as an educational device, Okay? The number isn’t important. Let’s say eight hundred.

TRAVIS There can’t be that many. It’s a big bowl, but eight hundred..

JESSICA There are eight hundred jellybeans in this bowl, okay?! You two can count the beans all you want, once I have said what I need to say! Alright? There are eight hundred jellybeans. We are at an audition for jellybeans.

LINDA What are they auditioning for?

Silence.

JESSICA The Young and Restless. So, anyway, all of these eight hundred jellybeans are desperate for work. They support themselves with shitty jobs like Nordstrom, Starbucks, whatever they can get. Some former jellybeans, now a tootsie roll, decides that they only want the red and the orange. So, everyone else heads back to their pissant lives, while the red and the oranges remain. From there, they decide “this orange jelly bean is better looking than this other one,” which by the way is almost an exact replica. They cut and cut and cut and the beans go back to work and they make the remaining beans show their breasts and finally we have...

(She holds up one jellybean.)

Candace. Candace then goes to the set, says her one line, yadda yadda yadda, and then she goes back in the bowl.

(She drops Candace back in the bowl.)

I’m not even a red or an orange. I’m a yellow. One of the inadequate seven nintey-nines. Chance means dick to me.

76.

TRAVIS You’re forgetting one very important fact about the other seven hundred and ninety-nine jellybeans.

JESSICA What’s that?

TRAVIS They sure taste good.

JESSICA That’s what I get for trying.

TRAVIS I brought something for you.

JESSICA Is it another acting book?

TRAVIS It’s a script.

He pulls a rolled up script out of his back pocket.

JESSICA What is this?

TRAVIS It only two me a week and half to write it. I stayed up all night finishing. There’s no aliens in it though. It’s a romantic comedy!

LINDA I thought you said you weren’t the romantic type.

TRAVIS Well, something recently inspired me! Or someone I should say.

(He looks at Linda and smiles. Linda smiles back.)

Will Kelly be around any time soon?

77.

LINDA Oh, I don’t know.

TRAVIS Well, I’ll try again later. But you should read that script.

It’s only a rough draft, but I think you’d be perfect for the main girl, and if I have any say in the casting...

JESSICA You won’t, but I appreciate it.

TRAVIS Well, if I do. I better go home and sleep. Thanks for playing D&D with my friends, Linda.

LINDA Thank you for inviting me.

TRAVIS You’re a real fun girl.

LINDA Thanks.

TRAVIS Bye! He exits. Linda puts her head on the door.

JESSICA You like him.

LINDA No, I don’t.

JESSICA Oh, Linda. The eyes never lie. Or the back of your head never lies. That creepy little man has charmed you to the core.

LINDA It doesn’t matter.

78.

JESSICA Why? Because of Kelly. She doesn’t care. I promise you. She’s way too shallow to invest in a guy like Travis.

LINDA Yeah. Maybe.

JESSICA Not maybe. Definitely.

Kelly blasts in through the front door, making out with Patrick. They realize they’re not alone.

KELLY (Fake nice.)

Oh, hey! I didn’t expect you two to be here.

JESSICA We live here.

KELLY Right. This is Patrick. My friend.

JESSICA Very nice to meet you, Patrick.

Jessica holds out her hand. Patrick struts around like he owns the place, judging everything.

PATRICK MAN! This is definitely a chick place.

JESSICA Chick place?

PATRICK You know, with all the girlie shit everywhere.

JESSICA Well, we keep our neon beer signs and whack off magazines in storage.

79.

PATRICK (To Linda.)

What’s your name, Sweetheart?

LINDA Linda.

PATRICK You look like a Linda.

LINDA Thanks.

PATRICK Yeah.

He continues to look around the apartment.

PATRICK So, what do you two girls do?

KELLY Well, Linda works for a dermatologist.

PATRICK A dermatologist. That explains your pretty face.

LINDA Well, thank you.

PATRICK Maybe you should go work at a gym, too.

He laughs.

PATRICK (CONT’D) I’m just joking.

(To Jessica.)

And what do you do?

LINDA She’s an actress.

80.

PATRICK An actress? What kind of actress?

JESSICA An out of work one.

PATRICK Well, it’s your nose.

Jessica’s eyes open wide.

PATRICK (CONT’D) That’s why you’re out work. I know a guy that does great work on noses. Seriously, like half the girls you see on TV go through this guy. Even if you just got it scraped a little.

JESSICA No, thanks.

PATRICK You might be a little too tall.

JESSICA Are you always this polite?

KELLY Patrick just wanted to see where I live.

JESSICA Yeah, well, he’s seen it.

PATRICK Can I get a drink?

KELLY Sure. I’ll make it.

PATRICK You got anything that isn’t a faggot drink?

Jessica looks at Kelly and smiles.

81.

KELLY Maybe. I’ll see what I can find, or you know what, I’ll run down the street and get something.

PATRICK You do that, sweetheart.

KELLY Okay. Be right back.

She runs out the front door. Patrick sits down, making himself at home.

PATRICK This is a comfortable couch. Make a great casting couch, if you know what I mean.

(He laughs and looks towards Jessica) You know what I mean, I bet.

JESSICA So, Kelly tells us that you’re a producer.

PATRICK A real producer. You can’t just call yourself a regular producer because half the dumb shits here think they’re producers.

LINDA What have you produced?

PATRICK (Looking at the “Sex and the City” case.)

Look! Sex and the City. The show that polluted the minds of half the female population in the U.S. JESSICA What do you mean by that?

PATRICK It’s garbage. Crazy female propaganda. It confuses women, makes them think this a good way to live. These girls are glorified tramps.

82.

JESSICA What?!

PATRICK It’s not even that funny. It’s trite. It’s appeals to women with uninteresting lives that sit, and watch, and think, “man, I wish this was my life.” It’s sad really.

Jessica glares at him. He doesn’t notice.

PATRICK It’s women like the ones on this show bringing down our society as a whole. Destroying our way of life. Our economy.

Everything. I’m not trying to be offensive to women, or anything, I love women. This is just fact. If women stayed at home, raised families, there would be more jobs, and therefore less guys out of work. We wouldn’t have to worry about people not making enough money because the worker would be in greater demand. They’d raise minimum wage, sexual harassment suits would decline. We wouldn’t have all these kids running around like criminals, tagging cars and whatnot, raping and murdering, joining gangs. They need someone there to keep an eye on them. Keep the family unit stable. Maybe then there wouldn’t be so much moral decay. That’s all I’m saying. This show sucks.

Kelly runs in through the front door.

PATRICK That’s what I like about you, you’re fast!

KELLY (To Patrick.)

Oh, umm. I, uh, problems. Female problems. I’ll get it though, don’t worry.

Kelly pulls Linda aside.

KELLY I made it outside and Travis saw me. I think he’s coming back here. Help. Please!

83.

Patrick taps his nose at Jessica.

JESSICA Your friend here seems like a real nice guy. He’s about three seconds away from getting his nuts ripped off.

KELLY (To Linda.)

I really need you to stop him. Be honest with him. Tell him I think he’s a loser.

LINDA He doesn’t deserve that. He’s a sweet guy, who happens to think he’s in love with you.

KELLY Why would he think that?

A beat.

KELLY Oh my God. LINDA Yeah. He loves you. I know you think it’s crazy, but you should think about that before rushing to tell him he’s a loser. He loves you.

Linda heads towards the door.

LINDA (CONT’D) Come on, Jessica. We’re leaving.

JESSICA You don’t have to tell me twice. We’ll go do some girlie shit. Nice meeting you by the way.

She extends her hand to Patrick. They shake. She squeezes his hand hard enough to make him wince slightly. He tries to play it cool. They exit.

84.

PATRICK (Rubbing his hand.)

Those are your friends?

KELLY Yeah. I went to college with Jessica. Linda, I met through Jessica.

PATRICK Jessica, she’s the uh...

He taps his nose.

KELLY Yeah.

PATRICK What a grip? She’s an actress?

KELLY Well, yeah.

PATRICK She’s gonna have to get two agents. One for herself and one for that big fuckin’ nose of hers. Jesus Christ.

KELLY I’m sorry. I need to go talk to someone real quick. I’ll get something to drink while I’m out. It shouldn’t be more than a few minutes.

PATRICK Well, I got some things at the office I gotta...

KELLY No! Stay!

She cajoles him into a chair, kneeling down between his thighs.

KELLY I just need five minutes. You can, uh...there’s magazines and stuff. Be right back!

85.

A hasty exit. Patrick picks up the bowl of jellybeans. He sifts through a handful, only keeping the red ones. He picks up Travis’ script, which is sitting next to the bowl. He looks at it. His eyes open a bit. After a few seconds of reading he starts laughing.

Travis walks in through the front door.

TRAVIS Excuse me?

PATRICK Yeah?

TRAVIS Is Kelly here?

PATRICK She ran out. Needed to talk to someone. She’ll be back in five minutes.

TRAVIS Oh, great! I’ll just wait here.

He walks over to the couch and sits next to Patrick, who is still reading the script. Patrick laughs.

TRAVIS Which part are you laughing at?

PATRICK I’m only on the second page. You can tell a lot about a screenplay in the first few pages. They’re so important because they set the course for the rest of the movie. I read that in a book.

TRAVIS Oh, I know. That’s the hardest part of writing anything.

Getting started, I mean.

86.

PATRICK (Uninterested.)

Oh, you’re a writer?

TRAVIS Sure am. I wrote that.

A beat.

PATRICK You wrote this?

TRAVIS Yeah.

PATRICK It’s a strong beginning, I’ll give you that. Very rarely do I laugh out loud at anything. What’s your name?

TRAVIS Travis. Travis McElroy.

PATRICK Travis McElroy. That’s a good name. Easy to remember.

TRAVIS Well, I’ve always been able to remember it.

Pause. Patrick laughs.

PATRICK That’s clever.

TRAVIS Thank you.

PATRICK So, what kinda movie is this?

TRAVIS It’s a romantic comedy.

87.

PATRICK A romantic comedy? You don’t look like the romantic type.

TRAVIS Well, that’s why I’m a writer. You don’t have to look like anything. No one sees you.

Pause. Patrick laughs harder.

PATRICK That’s funny. Real funny. Travis McElroy, my name is Patrick Nelson, I’m a producer.

They shake hands.

TRAVIS Oh, you’re the producer Kelly was talking about. It’s very nice to meet you. She really appreciated you getting her that audition for the movie with James VanderBeek.

PATRICK Well, hopefully she’ll still appreciate it when she finds out she didn’t get it. She needs breast implants. She was damn close though. If she’d just get those implants, I’m telling you, she’d go places. It was a short film, anyway.

TRAVIS Oh, that’s too bad. Well, what about that other movie? She said you had a movie about a guy and girl, and you wanted her to be the girl.

PATRICK Yeah. Well, she’s gonna need to get those implants before then, but there’s time. We don’t even have a script.

TRAVIS How can you have a movie if there’s no script?

PATRICK Oh, dude, it’s so easy. You find a guy that gets the women all moist and tingly. One of your Ewan Mcgregors, Hugh Grants, or we could even go ethnic. That sells these days.

(MORE)

88.

PATRICK (cont'd) Mos Def or someone. Oooh! One of them Mexican types maybe.

Antonio or Benjamin Bratt...

TRAVIS James Velasques.

PATRICK Who the Hell is James Velasques?

TRAVIS A friend of mine from Oklahoma.

PATRICK (Clueless.)

Uh, yeah. So anyway, you match one of them up with some chick. A hot up-and-comer with big tits. And BAM! Millions!

That’s Hollywood, baby! THAT IS MONEY! Who gives a shit about the script?

TRAVIS Sounds exciting.

PATRICK It is! I wouldn’t wanna do anything else. Travis, do you believe in destiny?

TRAVIS I dunno. Maybe.

PATRICK I take destiny very seriously, Travis. Very. Seriously. Now, I’ve only read the first two pages of this script, but I have a feeling, a strong gut reaction. It can’t just be coincidence that, after deciding to produce a romantic comedy, I happen to find a script laying next these fuckin’ jelly beans that is what?!

TRAVIS A romantic comedy!

PATRICK (Gathering excitement.)

A romantic fuckin’ comedy! That’s not coincidence! No, sir!

(MORE)

89.

PATRICK (cont'd) That is God, my friend. God has sent me this script. He is saying, “Green light it!” He’s tellin’ me this script is goin’ places. You might think me crazy, but I know this isn’t a random event. This is God.

TRAVIS Wow. God, sure loves to support the arts.

PATRICK Yes, he does. Travis, I want to produce this script. Let’s make this movie.

Patrick offers a handshake.

TRAVIS Wow! Sure!

Travis shakes his hand.

PATRICK FANTASTIC! I’ll draw up the contracts! You will not regret this. You’re going to the top, McElroy! All the way! We can get Lindsey Lohan to play the girl.

TRAVIS Actually, I know the perfect girl for it.

PATRICK She’s hired! God is telling me to trust your judgement! And if you want to pick the girl, you pick the girl, alright! I’m going to take this script to my people, get the ball rolling, and, us two, we’re going to make lots a money.

He extends his hand. Travis shakes it.

PATRICK I’ll be in touch.

He runs towards the door. Kelly walks in.

KELLY Where are you going?

90.

PATRICK Gotta run. Business. Oh, I forgot. You didn’t get the part ‘cause your titties are too small, but I’ll give you a call sometime and set you up with my friend in Century City. He’s squeezed almost every schnogg in Hollywood. Great to meet you, Travis. I mean that.

He runs out. Kelly looks at Travis.

Silence.

TRAVIS I’m sorry you didn’t get the part. I don’t think you should get implants though. I really like you just as you are. I wouldn’t change anything.

KELLY (Furious.)

What did you say to him?

TRAVIS I was just talking with him.

KELLY He left!

TRAVIS He needed to talk with his people! I just...

KELLY Can’t you take a hint?! I’ve avoided you for a week and a half!

TRAVIS I’m sorry about your crabs.

KELLY What?!

TRAVIS Jessica told me. It’s okay. It’s not important to me.

KELLY I’m sorry I gave you the wrong impression, Travis.

91.

TRAVIS Patrick read my screenplay and is going to make it into a movie. That’s why he left. I didn’t mean for it to happen. He found it on the coffee table, and he said it was perfect for the romantic comedy he wanted to make. I’m sorry.

KELLY Your screenplay? You’re a screenwriter?

TRAVIS Yeah. I told you that.

KELLY Oh. And he’s making your movie?

TRAVIS Yeah. I guess so. It’s kinda funny how it happened. He said it might cast Mos Def, and some other names. And I get to pick the girl. Oh, Hugh Grant! That was one of the names!

KELLY Hugh Grant? Oh my God. That’s unbelievable.

Linda and Jessica walk through the front door.

TRAVIS Hi! LINDA Hi. KELLY I thought you were going to find some more girlie shit.

LINDA I forgot my purse.

JESSICA Where’s your friend?

92.

KELLY He left, and guess what?! He’s going to produce Travis’ movie.

JESSICA Whatever.

KELLY I swear. He found it on the coffee table and loved it. He’s gonna put Hugh Grant in it.

JESSICA Wow. That’s incredible. Good for you, Travis.

TRAVIS Thanks. It all happened so fast.

LINDA I’m so happy for you, Travis.

Kelly interlocks arms with Travis.

KELLY And I get to be the girl. Patrick said Travis could pick the girl! And he picked me! Can you believe it?! I’m gonna be in a movie with Hugh Grant! I gotta go call my Mom. Give me a kiss!

She kisses Travis on the lips.

KELLY (CONT’D) I’ll be right back.

LINDA You told Jessica she could play that part.

JESSICA So, I guess you two must’ve worked things out.

TRAVIS Yeah. I guess so. I told her that I was okay with her having crabs and that seemed to make her real happy.

(MORE)

93.

TRAVIS (cont'd) You were so right, Jessica. I’m just glad that’s all it was.

I was starting to think she didn’t like me.

JESSICA She doesn’t like you, Travis! She’s using you!

TRAVIS (Laughing.)

No, she isn’t.

JESSICA Travis, there are things you don’t know about women. We act under a strict code that keeps us from revealing the powers that we possess. These powers have broken down the walls of oppression throughout the course of time. They have saved us.

We work. We vote. And while most use these powers for good, there are some who choose to use them evil. Kelly, is the Lex Luther of the female population!

TRAVIS (Angry.)

You’re wrong! Did you see what she did before she left?! She kissed me! And you know what, she told me she loved me.

JESSICA No, she didn’t!

TRAVIS (Growing angry.)

She sure did! She sure did! The night we met! She said she knew at an instant, the moment she saw me, and I felt the same way. Love at first sight. We both had it. And we did things that people don’t do when they’re not in love, okay? I don’t think it’s appropriate to go into details, but I can for sure, I know she loves me!

A beat.

TRAVIS (Quiet, guilty.)

I didn’t think it was right for me to tell you without asking her.

(MORE)

94.

TRAVIS (cont'd) I wanted to be a gentleman because that’s what she deserves, but now our relationship is out in the open, so that’s the truth. We’re in love. She told me. She told me herself.

Silence.

JESSICA I can’t believe she said that to you.

TRAVIS Well, believe it! Because she did!

Kelly runs back in.

KELLY I just left the longest message of my life! I must’ve sounded crazy!

JESSICA You’re a bitch.

KELLY Excuse me?

JESSICA There is no excuse for you.

KELLY What are you talking about?

JESSICA I wonder. You get wasted. Tell some innocent guy that you’re in love with him, so he’ll hang on your every word, listen to your dumbass drunken stories about clothes and nonsense. Then you can’t even muster up the gall to tell him the truth the next morning, once you’re done using him for own sick needs.

You’re a nasty little bitch.

KELLY Okay. This jealously thing. It’s gotta stop. It’s sad really.

You should apply all that negative, destructive energy to something positive. Like sit ups. Then you’ll have a career like I do.

95.

JESSICA LISTEN TO YOURSELF?! What has happened to you?! You’ve always been an arrogant twat, but now you’re going crazy!

TRAVIS Everyone needs to calm down! We’re all friends here!

KELLY She’s not my friend! She sits there waiting for bad things to happen to me! It’s been that way since college, and when things go well for me, it’s always the worst thing that’s ever happened to her! She should be happy that I’m gonna be in your movie!

JESSICA First of all, he told me I could be in the movie. He said the part was perfect for me.

KELLY Did you say that to her?!

TRAVIS Well, yeah.

KELLY But I’m your girlfriend!

JESSICA Remember what I said about powers, Travis?!

LINDA (To Travis.)

I really like you!

Freeze. Silence.

LINDA (CONT’D) (Awkward rambling.)

A lot. I’m not usually this bold, I guess, is the word. I’m not the type of person that really does this kind of thing.

This is like one of those movie moments where, you know what I’m talking about? Movie moments? This is like that. Wow. I’m not good with words.

(MORE)

96.

LINDA (CONT’D) That’s why I’m not a screenwriter, but I really want you to like me. Like you do with Kelly. Where it burns, you know, inside. Because I feel like that with you, and I know I haven’t said anything until now, but I really mean it and yeah...

Pause.

KELLY You’re just on the rebound! Those aren’t real feelings!

(To Travis.)

She just cheated on her boyfriend. She’s emotionally unstable.

TRAVIS (To Linda.)

Really?

LINDA It’s not like that, exactly!

KELLY Everyone here is so jealous! Jealous of my career! Jealous of my boyfriend! Come on, Travis! Let’s go to your place! We can talk about the movie and what I should wear.

She drags Travis towards the door.

JESSICA Linda is a great girl, Travis!

KELLY Travis, I love you!

Travis and Kelly kiss. He looks at Kelly. He looks at Jessica and Linda.

Linda smiles.

TRAVIS (To Linda.)

I’m sorry.

They exit. Long pause.

97.

JESSICA Eaten alive.

Jessica plants herself on the couch.

JESSICA Shit.

She becomes startled by the vibrating cell phone on which she sits. She answers. Linda sits down by the bar.

JESSICA (On the phone.)

Hey. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. No, it’s no problem. Can you give me like thirty minutes? Alright. Bye. She hangs up.

JESSICA (Holding up the cell phone.)

Nordstrom.

She stands.

JESSICA They need me to cover a shift. Another day in paradise.

She moves towards her room. She stops, looks at Linda.

JESSICA I’m really sorry, Linda. This is a twisted place.

Jessica exits.

Linda plants herself on the couch. She picks up the bowl of jellybeans, removing a yellow. She returns the bean to it’s bowl. She looks at the phone.

Picks it up. Dials.

98.

LINDA (Into the phone.)

Hi, Tom. It’s me, Linda. Please call me back.

She hangs up. She turns on “Sex and the City.” Silent tears.

Black.

99.

PLAYWRIGHT’S NOTES

I, first, want to acknowledge the assistance of a good friend and great actress, Amy Vorphal, who was instrumental in the creation of the Dungeons and Dragons scene. I am forever grateful to her.

This is not a bitter play about Los Angeles. This is a play about bitter Los Angeles. These are real people that exist in countless forms across the city. Even though I actually wrote the initial draft one year prior to moving here, I’ve found it to be shockingly accurate in certain places, and again, this is not bitterness. It’s just my personal observation. I love Hollywood, and I could not imagine myself anywhere else at this point in time.

This

is

play

about

loss;

loss

of

innocence,

loss

of

integrity, loss of humanity, loss of love, loss of joy. It’s about cold,

harsh truths

in life,

and not

just in

the

entertainment industry. It’s an absurd realism, three girls waiting for Godot while dreaming of Moscow amongst a shallow culture enslaved by lust and vanity, a city feeding itself on broken dreams. It can be a very cruel theatr. The drama should side-swipe the audience, and should by no means be down played because “this is a comedic play.” This is not a comedic play. This is a story. It’s also cruel in the sense that it reveals to mankind a heavy burden; that our beautiful popular culture is built upon the sacrifices of the plain, and while it’s easy to blame the entertainment industry for

100.

force-feeding us a self-concept that is both unrealistic and, at times, unhealthy; the true blame lies with ourselves, in our human nature. This play isn’t about changing an industry, but rather a society, a task few playwrights accomplish in their lifetime. It would be silly of me to expect some kind of Beaumarchais revolution, but I hope those who encounter this play, especially those in the entertainment industry, find comfort in facing these

truths head-on with upmost

acceptance. Embrace the obstacles before you with a spirit of adventure. Never forget that your only priorities in life are love and joy, and it’s up to you to make those things for yourself. Otherwise, you’ll end up exactly like the people in this play. Thank you for reading. May God save the theatre.

Aaron Kozak July 1st, 2009