Modern Manners RE AL SIMPLE’S E TIQUE T T E E XPERT, C ATHERINE NE WMAN, OFFER S HER BE ST ADVICE ON YO UR LOVE Q UA N DA R I E S.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for four years. My mother has been asking when we will get married. While my boyfriend and I are pretty sure we will at some point, we just don’t place the same importance on marriage that my mom does. Recently she has been getting pushy and even brought it up publicly. My boyfriend is at his wit’s end. How can I politely tell her to leave us alone?
P O R T R A I T BY S A R A H M AY C O C K
C. C.
Parents pressure kids about marriage for all kinds of reasons: because they want to imagine that their future is settled; because they want grandkids; because they want something fun to look forward to or to brag to their friends about; because they presume that marriage is the only proper path for a serious relationship. If you know your mother’s agenda, you might tailor your response to it: Reassure her that your partnership is healthy or that marriage is on the horizon; tease her gently about wanting a grandchild; encourage her to throw a big dinner party where her friends can casually meet your boyfriend. Maybe your mother imagines that she’s being subtle—and you can point out her mistake. “Mom, believe me, we know that you want us to get married. But pressuring us publicly is not going to speed things along. If anything, it’s making my boyfriend kind of nervous.” But make this last
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point only if you absolutely must. Surely your mother has your best interests at heart, and approaching her with compassion and understanding is preferable to emotional blackmail. Reassure her of your happiness and encourage patience— in her and your boyfriend both.
About Catherine The author of Catastrophic Happiness (out in April) and Waiting for Birdy, Catherine Newman has shared her wisdom on matters ranging from family and friends to happiness and pickling in numerous publications. She gets advice from her husband and two opinionated children in Amherst, Massachusetts.
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Is it rude to ask my husband to shower or brush his teeth before sex? I’ve been married a long time, and I love him unconditionally. But these little things still make a difference for me, even if the request kills the mood a tiny bit. Should I just get over it? S. P.
In the heady first days of a sexual relationship, all those natural love drugs—happy neurochemicals like dopamine and oxytocin—let you smell the world through rose-scented glasses, so to speak. But this changes over time unfortunately (your unconditional love notwithstanding), and morning breath just starts to smell like…morning breath. So try this: Don’t nag your beloved or suggest that he stinks. Instead, muster good sexual courtesy by spinning your desire into something steamy: “Let’s take a shower together first,” you can suggest, popping a Tic Tac in each of your mouths. If you frame the request more as playful foreplay than hygienic drudgery, he will surely feel more excited than repulsed. And as my own husband just pointed out, reading over my shoulder: “If it’s shower or no sex, he’s definitely going to want to shower.”
